batterwitch24601

[batterwitch24601]

It feels like he should still be here. I have somehow jumped timelines and this is a doomed one. The world is ending and all of our loved ones are dying of cancer and other terrible diseases. The wars and riots are rampaging and escalating to apocalyptic levels. The earth is being destroyed and there is not reversing the damage humans have done. Those in power choose to continue killing us all as quickly as they can. The people try to fight back to save what we have left, yet they are murdered in the streets. How can I have hope when there is nothing to be hopeful for? How can I watch as the youth grow into a world that has abandoned them? My cat died and that has made my blood boil. Not just because cancer is terrible and it took my baby boy away. It’s because he is gone and I am not sure if I can hold on to any form of hope anymore. He was my reason why. I will continue to live, but I will also continue to stay pissed off at this world. Save the people of Gaza. They are hungry. They are being murdered. It is a genocide. Free Palestine. 🇵🇸

[batterwitch24601]

The pain in my chest I feel when I think of him is excruciating. I’ll think about how I will never see him again and I can feel the tears begin to form in my eyes. This doesn’t mean I can’t have happy moments, but he still crosses my mind everyday. He was my world and now he’s gone. I miss him so much. It feels like a piece of my heart was ripped away from and now I have to just keep going. 60-80% of cats end up getting cancer, I just never expected him to be one of them. He was so young. He used to be so healthy. The vets would always comment on how big he was, not fat, just big. At his peak he was 20lbs. God I miss him. It is like pure torture thinking that he has been taken from this world. I think about it is so unfair and how it is okay that I believe it is unfair. It doesn’t always have to be a part of the plan or a lesson or a piece of the bigger picture. Sometimes it is just fucking horrible. Sometimes it is the worst thing in the world. It is okay to be upset or angry or depressed or furious because it just isn’t fair. Unfortunately even when something isn’t fair, it doesn’t mean it can be changed. You can feel and let feel these big emotions, but you can’t let them eat you away. You can’t settle on them for forever. It’s not that you have to let go particularly, it’s just that you have to learn to keep moving forward. Over time it get easier coping with the sorrow, but you have to put in the effort. I miss you Archimicarus. I love you so much. There isn’t a day I haven’t thought of you and I just hope you can be here again someday and get all the love you deserve.

[batterwitch24601]

The pain ranges from mild discomfort, as it slightly traces over my memories, to a full blown war against me versus the tears and hyperventilating. Some moments I think of the sweet boy laying next to me. He is calm, and I felt at peace in return. Other moments I see his lifeless body staring back at me, as though it was printed behind my eyelids. I feel this curling pain in my chest as I recall wrapping him in a blanket and covering his face for the last time. I try my best to fight back the tears as I pet the statue of him next to my bed. I try to find answers or messages in anything and everything. I recall every death and tower and illness cards I’ve pulled. I ponder of every dream that I’ve had leading up to the moment. I struggle being in my room where I found him. To some it may seem silly, but to me he was my son. I found him when he was so small and I raised him until he was big and strong. I loved him and stayed by his side until his last moments. His name was Archimicarus and he was my world. I buried him with a stone shaped like a heart because a piece of my heart is in the ground with him. No amount of time was enough, but I try to find as much closure as possible. I had never screamed the way I screamed when I was told the cancer had spread to every part of his body. I will never forget as the only sound I could make was a wailing of true sorrow. Archimicarus, life without you has made me realize why all things must come to an end, because what is the point of living forever if the ones you loved most are no longer here.

[batterwitch24601]

A shitty poem

It wasn’t always like this

Once we were the land of the free

We played with kites

We held hands

We sang songs

It wasn’t always like this

We could stay out until the sun came down

School was full of creativity

We believed we would live forever

It wasn’t always like this

Strangers were simply future friends

We watched cartoons

We climbed trees

It wasn’t always like this

We could be the president one day

We could be astronauts

And ballerinas

It wasn’t always like this

Happiness has turned sour

Hope has become bitterness

Technology has become our enemy

It

Wasn’t

Always

Like

This

[batterwitch24601]

Just a Bit of a Rant

I sit here in my chair in front of my computer. I worked today, then went to a couple stores. I am on my 1st attempts of boycotting Walmart. It is a little difficult, but there are plenty of stores around me. My struggle today though was trying to find what I needed. Pretty simple groceries, just some meat and ice cream. I am on my period so I figured some protein and a sweet treat was the right way to go. As I made my way through the isles, I took mental note on the prices of groceries. It seems everyday the numbers go up, yet my paycheck dwindles. Hours are being cut for slow season. I attempt to look for a new job, but to no avail, that is no easy task in this day and age. That is only a fraction of the point I am trying to make though. I am poor and I am unsure on how next month will look so I am trying to save money. I cannot afford meat that is over $10 dollars. I am one person I cannot pay for small scraps that cost so much. I walked to where the even cheaper meat would be and even that was over $10. I could feel my blood begin to boil. Hormones are already raging in my body and not only that I was hungry. I just wanted ice cream and something for dinner. This was not the only thing to set off my temper so easily. I cope with these things on a daily basis. This was just the kind of situation though to overflow my glass. I am an American and of course tensions are high in our country right now. On one side you hear everyday what our new leader has done to make the country a little worse and on the other side you hear what we all must do for some sort of revolt/ or how to be safe when we become the fascist nation we are gearing up to be. I live alone. I have very few friends, my family is scattered across the winds. I feel so alone. I want to fight for freedom and help those in need, but for god's sake I need help myself. I can't afford the most basic of meals. I can't even rely on an egg anymore. I feel as though I should feel some type of gratefulness that I get paid more than my coworkers and that I make more, but they all live with families and have support systems. I pay my bills by myself and I take of everything that needs to be cared for. Work sometimes just feels like a slap in the face. I can't afford to go back to school. I can't eat bread because I have celiac. Gluten free food is so fucking expensive and now food like produce, grains, and meat are just going to continue to rise in price. That isn't even mentioning gas for my car to get to my job that is thirty minutes away. I am just so frustrated and tired. I don't know what to do or where to go. I don't know what this country will look like in the next coming months. I am scared for everyone's lives and safety. I suppose that is where I will end this garbled mess of a rant. I am just trying to convey my feelings. I am trying to put them all into words to see exactly what my brain wants. Maybe I will read this and see my problems are not so bad.

[batterwitch24601]

I live in the United States and the political climate is truly something to fear. It only took a few hours after our new/not new president being inaugurated for him to dismantle probably half or more of the past 4 years of hard work done by the Biden administration. We now have new orders coming into play that put the lives of trans people, immigrants, women in danger. This was all done in the span of a few hours and only a handful of signatures. I cannot imagine the irreparable damage that will be caused in the next 90 days, let alone the next 4 years. I have already spoken and seen many people in our country who are full of fear and dread. Some speak of revolution, while others speak of blending in with the crowd until things improve. We wonder how far it will all go. It starts with the suppression of rights and the propaganda against immigrants. What happens next? Will we truly have to watch Nazi Germany play out in 2025 America? I am scared. I am unsure on how exactly to fight this or even how to just stay safe. How do I make sure my loved ones are protected in this time? How can I help people of color or trans folk? I want to help. I want us all to feel safe and free. I want to be on the right side of history. I am poor. I can barely afford to be on my own or to even feed myself. I watch the number on the scale go down each week. None of that matters. I may not have money to spare, but I have a voice. I have space for people to sleep. I have a warm place and enough rice and coffee for two. Please know I am here for any who need to speak or need help having their voices heard. If you need to escape from your home or your state I am here. I will say I live in a not so safe place myself, but it is safe enough. That is all I have to say for now. We as people must stick together and trust that a better future is somewhere beyond the horizon. Peace and love folks.

[batterwitch24601]

[batterwitch24601]

Stupider things have been done in the name of lesbianism. Don't forget that.

[batterwitch24601]

I talk to the girl once again. My goal in mind is to not break her heart. I would simply like to be her friend. She is beautiful and kind and rather selfless. I have dragged her along in a game of cat and mouse that involves emotions. I don’t want to hurt her. I just want to know her as a person. I want us to be able to confide in interests and hobbies. Perhaps with friendship and a sense that we are truly comfortable with one another, a deeper relationship could eventually bloom into something wonderful. For now I would like to keep things simple. Maybe tell her about my day without fear of messing things up. Tell her what I’m thinking and what my interests currently are. I hope that she can share the same.

I talked to my friend tonight about his feelings. I always end up lecturing him about things I think I know he is not quite capable of feeling yet. I realize it is not my place to tell people what they should do with their emotions. Not only that but I cannot dictate what people can or can’t feel. That is probably the equivalent to magic or being some kind of cult leader. Regardless of which I have neither abilities. I just wish I could show him what I have gone through and what I have learned and how everything in life isn’t doom and gloom. Perhaps he and I both simply struggle to convey our exact thought process while discussing such matters. It is safe to say I no longer have feelings for him. At all actually. I mean I desire to stay friends with him, but I also don’t want it to be anything aside from that. The feelings I once had for him withered away and after some ups and downs on how I felt about our friendship I have come to the conclusion that he is still an admirable friend. I don’t hate him or feel any animosity. I do just want him to be happy. That’s all really. Right now though he is in quite a funk. I’m just not sure I’m the one to get him out of it. Our friends are moving away and so it kinda feels like it is just him and I in our friend group. I have grown up to be sort of callous about my feelings towards things. Perhaps that is something I should work on. I guess my way of trying to make him happier is by telling him things are not as bad as they seem and I just say that in the worst way possible. I shouldn’t dwell on this stuff. Perhaps that is me saying it to myself. Anyways I just hope the future looks a little more bright. I want people to be happy and I also want myself to be happy. I believe it will eventually happen. We just need to expose some layers.

Until next time.

[batterwitch24601]

[batterwitch24601]

HAPPY NEW YEARSSSSSSSSS

[batterwitch24601]

Perhaps I am afraid of love and commitment. Without getting into the gory details, it is to be understood that the more intense of relationships I have been in were not good ones. There were flaws on both ends making those relationships messy and complicated. I would say my issue was not recognizing the patterns being repeated. Now I am older and have been single for a few years. I have gone on a long journey of self discovery and know there is so much more to discover. Humans constantly mentally evolve and I feel as though I have an epiphany every year at least. Out of fear I push people away. I have lived such a life where that is how my brain protects itself from whatever pain or heartache it believes is inevitable. While one side of my consciousness is fully aware that I am the maker of my destiny, there is still that frightened child who is scared they will get hurt again. My life is a battle of awareness and survival instincts. Survival instincts protect us from danger. They keep us out of situations that our brain believes will give us the game over screen. It’s great for the wild or even a child’s household that is less than ideal. It becomes less useful when you are living a peaceful life or giving a presentation. Suddenly it becomes a hindrance when we try to make relationships or go to a busy store. I self sabotage because I do not want to be hurt again. This may be good if I’m trying to befriend a serial killer, but when I’ve been friends with someone for over a year and they say they will never leave my side I do not particularly want to blow up our relationship. And yet I find myself being rude or frustrating. I try to tell them I’m fine when we are both fully aware I am not. I stop being so comforting. I become a jerk. I know what I am doing, but I cannot control my reaction. I feel like a monster. It’s a conversation I must have with myself and also the friend. Tell them that it is me. It is my fault. Times like these make me wonder if I really have any good qualities or did I just convince myself that I was good once and have yet to show that side of myself in ages. I suppose that is the end of my vent for now. It wasn’t meant to be a vent. Oh well.

[batterwitch24601]

I sit in my living room the day after Christmas (also the second day of Hanukkah). I am thinking about the new year that is soon approaching. There is a sense of excitement as well as nervousness. I have the feeling of time moving horrifically fast and it scares me. I feel lost in a sense that I have no clue what I am doing with my life. I am often told not to worry about it because lots of people don’t know what they are doing with their life, but I am not those people who do care about such things. I actually care rather greatly. I am hopelessly nervous about the idea of having no direction. I also do not want to be where I’m at in life 5 years from now. I don’t want to be barely scraping by or struggling. I don’t want to have to think about having to choose between fixing something or eating or not being able to buy people gifts. I just want to be comfortable. I also want to be happy, but I know that is a harder thing to do. I would also like to mention something more embarrassing or I guess emotionally revealing about myself. This has nothing to do with the previous topic and maybe I’ll get back to that subject matter in a moment. I was dating this girl. She is beautiful and sweet. And I am a piece of shit. I tried dating her twice and I fumbled the ball twice. I guess I was just so nervous and she was too so conversations would often end up dry. I hate nervousness. From myself. Well this is all to say I have this friend who is a guy. I want to preface by saying I never cheated and I believe cheating is wrong so that’s that. I had a crush on this guy friend. I wanted to be over him because let’s face it that ball would never roll. However when I was dating this girl I started thinking about him. He is my friend and we hang out frequently. He is asexual and also just not into me. That is fine and doesn’t really bother me anymore. I was thinking about him (not in an intimate matter really just in a I have feeling for him kind of way). When I started having these feelings I immediately broke up with her. I felt horrible for having these feelings while dating her and honestly just felt nothing. Fast forward to now and I am thinking about her again. I no longer have feelings for my guy friend and I pray that will never resurface again. To be honest I don’t think I want to be with the girl either. I think I wish we had just tried being friends. I wish I could have gotten to know her better. You may call me a shitty person I understand, but I thought I would just air this out.

A continuation of the other conversation. I want to make more money and move away. Maybe even move very far away, but then I wouldn’t see my family much if I did. My sister is always talking about moving anyways. I wish I could just go wherever she goes but honestly that’s just complicated. But perhaps I just need to understand myself and find this deeper me so I no longer feel so attached to being at her side. We are close and I love her but she has a family now and if she wants to move then that’s her right to. I have sometimes thought to move in with my father who lives several hours away. Perhaps I could save up money in doing so. The only thing is I don’t know if that’s in my cards to say the least. Sometimes I just I had some kind of life coach or something. Someone to give me direction and not just tell I’ll figure it out in due time. Maybe I just want some adult figure to tell me what to do for once. I am sick of having to be this mature adult who’s supposed to always be the bigger person. Maybe I just want to be the one who listens. Maybe I don’t want to be some leader or independent. I just want help. If it takes yelling help on the mountaintops for that to happen I guess I’ll do so. HELP PLEASE. Now please send me some kind of guide. Let them tell me some secret life hack I have yet to try to have a better time and I will do it.

Okay I’ll admit this is a little ridiculous. This was more of a tangent than an actually well formed blog post giving you a firm yet obscure update on my life. This may even be too many spoilers on who I actually am as a person. It’s just these are some things I don’t really have anyone else to talk to about. I am more lonely than what may be know. I suppose now you the reader knows. I doubt these are read very far though so that is fine by me. Anyways thanks for reading,

Toodles

[batterwitch24601]

Today is the day before Christmas also known as Christmas Eve. A holiday that is also not really a holiday, but is vaguely revered as one. I am at work baking baked goods. Unfortunately business is slow and we close early meaning I perhaps have baked far too many delicious treats. This doesn’t really matter to me though. I can at least take some home to my family and give some away if it comes to it. I myself cannot eat them, but that doesn’t really bother me. It is similar to working with none edible items after a while. Though they do smell nice. So perhaps it is similar to working with lovely smelling candles. Sometimes I wish I could take a bite of the things I made, but I’m sure the aftermath would be more damning than just being pouty about it.

I very much was and still am sick. I ended up getting a fever and was bed bound for a good day. I have spent a lot of time sleeping it off the past few days so I feel a lot better than the days previous. I do not recommend getting sick during the holidays. It can get rather lonely. To those who are already lonely during the holidays I do apologize. Although I must say that has been me on more than one occasion. I have even had my years where one would possibly never celebrate again, but I usually enjoy getting myself a little something even if it is of little worth. I wrap the item then put it under my tree. So even if I am alone and no one has gotten me anything I still have a little something from myself. It’s something I do to keep myself from being upset. Understandably I know that wouldn’t work for everyone. So I say do what makes you happy. To those of other holidays happy holidays. I have heard something about Chanukah starting on Christmas Day( correct me if I’m wrong) that is kind of fun even if you don’t celebrate both or either. I am not sure how often that happens. I will tag that holiday stuff just in case folks have that kind of stuff blocked but anyways happy holidays and such. Toodles

[batterwitch24601]

It seems as though I have developed some sort of upper respiratory Infection. Some point last night I noticed the demonic tinkle in my throat. I had prayed it wouldn’t be what I knew it would be. I woke up to a voice that was barely notable as my own. I felt my body weakening the more I moved. I knew it was a slippery slope down an unwanted path. I now sit here on the second half of my double shift that I took for a sick coworker wondering if I myself should have stayed home as well. I pray this will disappear by the holidays for I would rather enjoy to spend time with my family. In the meantime I will work and feel like I need to take a long floor nap until further notice

[batterwitch24601]

The timeline suggests that I get a haircut. You may ponder on what I am suggesting about some timeline, but I will either very likely or very unlikely explain myself. Just know that sometimes when you just know something must happen, you have the choice to either go with the path or go against it. Sometimes I hold the ideology of going against it to disturb the sequences of events, but sometimes it just feels what is meant to happen. Such as I getting a haircut. As of currently I stare at a small manmade lake that sits behind my place of work. The water is pushed by the persistent breeze and mist falls at such a rate that would frustrate anyone with glasses, but is lovely to look at from the safety of some sheltered confinement. The look of autumn is slowly becoming the look of early winter. There is always a sort of shift between the two. It is subtle, but I believe humans are naturally gifted in seeing these types of things. I have had visions of myself wearing a rain jacket with short hair and I am alone searching for mushrooms in the woods. I look happy. I guess winter makes you desperately search for little happy things. I do not want to go to work today, but I must. Money is the wheel that spins the continuation of not only life, but the continuation of its own life. We feed off of each other and suffer the consequences. Regardless of all these ramblings, have a pleasant day!

[batterwitch24601]

Winter Time

Time moves in such a way that it is easy to lose focus on every aspect of your timeline. The internet zaps us away from mature constructive thinking and we are left with mind numbing zombies screeching out catchphrases from videos on the internet. I am sure every generation as had their little thing. If you have read half of the things people said during the 1920's or the 1800's you would think they are as mad as the children of today. At the end of the day humans are as they have always been since the beginning of time I would say. I would still recommend perhaps deleting the apps that have you watching videos to no end and perhaps go outside so you can touch some grass.

All of this to say, when I was a young girl, electronics certainly were not what they are today. There has been such a change since I was a kid I can very much see myself slipping behind on the trends and lifestyles of the modern day. I do not really mind though. I think I would prefer to keep my braincells in tact for whatever duration they will be under my jurisdiction.

I wanted to say a story of when I was younger. It has nothing to really do with electronics at all. I once lived on an island. I will not bother with the name, but it is a fairly popular one in the southern part of my country. The house my family was living in was large, but it was cheaper living due to an assisted housing program. This house did not have central air and heat. Instead it had a window unit in most of the rooms that only sometimes functioned to cool down the house during the brutal summers. Summer is an overplayed story. Summer is hot. It was awful the end. BUT it was the winters that were specifically troublesome. We were poor so it was not so simple to fill every room with a heater small or otherwise. Instead on the winter days that could kill anyone without heat, We were made to all sleep in one room until the coldest days passed. I am one of five children, so we would all be cramped into one of the smallest rooms in the house. There would then be a small heater that had to be plugged into the wall. I remember how cold it would be. I would wear a sleeping gown and be buried under several blankets. I would stay underneath until I couldn't breath to which I would create the smallest hole to get fresh air. Sometimes the small heater would blow into my face and it would feel as though the air was stolen from my lungs. I am unsure if that is normal or not, but who am I to care. My siblings would all be annoyed by sharing a room, but I didn't really mind. Things felt less scary that way. I was and quite frankly still am rather skittish. With this little story in mind I implore you to listen to To Someone From a Warmer Climate by Hozier. A beautifully emotional song that really speaks to those who had to endure weather with little resources for comfort. It gives me a sense of nostalgia and melancholy. All beautiful none the less.

Thank you for listening to my rambles if you decided this was something you felt compelled on reading. Someone like me appreciates those who listen.

Good Night.