bluebutterfliez - Tumblr blog

[bluebutterfliez]

update: turns out im not a system. come harass me for it.

also update: i fucking hate misogynistic jokes. come harass me for it.

also update: turns out i don’t have “gender dysphoria” and my whole life trying to figure mysef out was a lie. come harass me for it.

also update: there’s nothing i can do. come harass me for it.

also update: i’ll just have to sit here and suffer.

come harass me for it.

[bluebutterfliez]

why the fuck am i so pathetic???? LMFAOOOOO probably over 100 people have access to where i live and everyone constantly harasses me and i’m starting to find out that i might be a system so fuck my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[bluebutterfliez]

i don’t know what to do. i want to talk this out with someone but i’m afraid they’re just gonna harass and hate me. this is genuinely a problem i’m going through.

i’m anti-endo, but at the same time i sometimes believe i’m an endo.

i know it sounds hilarious but i don’t know what to do about this.

i have experienced trauma, but it wasn’t severe, only verbal abuse. it also mostly happened after i was 9 too.

but my identity keeps rapidly changing. not like every 5 years or so, but literally like every month.

i’ve also noticed that it’s very rare for any of these identities to come back. that they just come for a couple months and fade away, never to come back again.

i want to grasp a singular identity. i just can’t. i tried all my hardest to keep one singular identity but no matter how hard i tried i just felt extremely uncomfortable with that identity and switched to another one.

over and over and over.

i lose contact with friends because of this.

i tried everything. nothing worked.

i know for a fact that endogenic systems are harmful but i feel like the term endo best explains what i’m going through. a split identity not caused by trauma.

i don’t know what this exact specific term is.

i feel like if i talk to someone about this that they’re gonna find it funny and hate on me so i hardly ever tried to get help.

but… here i am. confessing it to probably a million people.

i’m just looking for help and support for this weird thing that’s going on with me.

people have told me many times in the past that my name changes too much.

i cant control it.

and my interests and passions change too much.

i cant control it.

i wish i could.

i just want to have a single stable identity that lasts for AT LEAST one year.

either that or i’m just gonna have to mask as one happy person that actually has no clue who they are every month.

[bluebutterfliez]

nobody is there to save me

nobody is there to save me

nobody

nobody

i’m stuck here all by myself

nothing to help me

nothing to keep me safe

in this infinite void of pain

[bluebutterfliez]

i want to be normal

[bluebutterfliez]

oh my god i’ll never be normal i’ll never have a normal life because of my goddamn hyperfixations. NOBODY will ever see me as a normal person ALL BECAUSE OF MY GODDAMN HYPERFICATOONS THAT I CANT CONTROL.

[bluebutterfliez]

my hyperfixations are not normal. my hyperfixations are not normal. my hyperfixations are not normal. my hyperfixations are not normal. my hyperfixations are not normal. my hyperfixations are not normal. my hyperfixations are not normal. my hyperfixations are not normal

[bluebutterfliez]

just gonna self isolate and never talk to anyone ever again because i only just cause problems to get worse hahahaha what’s the point of socializing it’s not even fun it’s tiring i just wanna sew my mouth shut or tape my mouth shut forever or disable my vocal chords because i’m TIRED of causing even more drama just by trying to talk or interact with others

[bluebutterfliez]

can someone just give me a virtual hug please? i’m battling like 3 wars of mental illnesses at once and i’m just so burned out. i feel like nobody is there for me.

[bluebutterfliez]

i love being anxious for the smallest things it’s so fun 🤩🤩🤩 /j

but seriously i fucking hate being anxious for tiny things i can’t even grasp one part of my identity when i’m anxious i always feel like i should be someone else, i mistakened this for DID multiple times, and i don’t know if it is. my hands always feel cold and shivery and sweaty when i know i can’t go back, and sometimes when i’m anxious i don’t even consider myself anxious at the given moment, i just have no feeling. no happiness, no sadness, no anger, just nothing. i even dissociate and be not able to think just for one tiny thing that people could just easily brush off. cant even live life normally with GAD.

[bluebutterfliez]

i was so fucking stressed out yesterday and i don’t know why. i just got mad at the smallest things and kicked chairs and kicked tables and wanted to kick someone who traumatized me back in 7th grade. i cried 4 times that day. i don’t get it. i cant let go of the past. i just can’t. sometimes i think my trauma isn’t enough.

[bluebutterfliez]

30 days clean