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To whom do I owe the biggest apology? No one’s been crueler than I’ve been to me.

Alanis Morissette, Sorry to Myself (via music-and-quotes)

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My Mom’s Emotionally Abusive *Trigger Warning*

I’ll start this off with a definition of emotional abuse: “ "any act including confinement, isolation, verbal assault, humiliation, intimidation, infantilization, or any other treatment which may diminish the sense of identity, dignity, and self-worth." (HealthyPlace.com).

My mom is HIGHLY emotionally abusive and has been for years I just wasn’t really aware of this until a few months ago when my boyfriend pointed it out. Like I always knew my mom was different but I figured it was just her drug addiction while I was growing up plus her depression, bipolar and menopause.. Maybe these things contribute to her abusiveness but all in all I can see now how this has been happening for years and I just thought it was us having a toxic relationship, now I’m thinking it’s more then that.

I can see her emotionally abusive behaviours and the way she oftentimes tries to manipulate me. When I got home from school today I was exhausted and had a 4 hour nap (my choice whatever) and my mom pretty much freaked on me, she said “What are you a 94 year old?” And I went out to sit with her to eat my dinner and spend time with her because I told her last night I would have time to spend with her tonight, anyways she wouldn’t let the nap thing go and she kept being bitchy in general, screaming at the dog (whose only a 6 month old puppy so she’s a handful) and saying she wants to get rid of the dog, I feel like she just says that to get a reaction out of me so I make sure not to react anymore, I just say things like “Yeah get rid of her go ahead” when in reality I would be devastated if she got rid of her, but she’s all talk and most of the time she’s just trying to hurt me. So anyways I took my dinner to my room and left her there alone, usually I’d just sit there and take the abuse because I love her and want to spend time with her. My views are changing. I still love her but I don’t really like her anymore and I don’t want to spend time with someone whose always complaining and in a bad mood. I feel bad that she struggles so badly with arthritis (amongst other things) but she talks about it constantly as if she expects me to do something about it, I’ve rubbed lotion and weed oil on her, I’ve helped her with basic shit, even changing her depends for her because I love her so much, but she still brings out all her pain and suffering onto me, I really don’t think I deserve that. Back when I was a kid her being bitchy would really upset me and I would do anything I could to get her into a better mood, it feels really good to just be able to leave her alone at the table now, like she can’t get to me the way she could when I was a kid and I can see through her bullshit now. I really wish my mom was more like other people’s moms, maybe I wouldn’t have turned out so fucked up, who knows maybe I wouldn’t even have BPD. So many maybes. 

And now my stepbrother (and stepdad) have moved back in (although they still spend a lot of nights up north at the trailer since they parked it close to their work), my step dad obviously was always coming back so that’s not really what makes me upset. What does make me upset is the fact that my stepbrother; who sexually assaulted me twice has moved back in, he sleeps on the couch now so it’s nice that he isn’t in the room next to mine anymore but I still can’t stand looking at his face. I really don’t understand why my mom and stepdad don’t take what he did to me more seriously, if I wasn’t drunk they would so they’ve said... That’s seriously fucked up. If I had a kid and she/he was sexually assaulted they would never have to see that person again let alone share a living space with them. Again sometimes it just feels like my mom doesn’t give a fuck. And when I tell her how David (Idgaf about using his real name) makes me feel and what he did she just says how she was molested when she was a kid waaaay worse then the sexual assaults I’ve had to deal with, yeah you shouldn’t really compare shit like that and it amazes me that she can even make that about herself. I remember one year it was my birthday and she kind of jokingly said “well today was the day I gave birth to you so someone should acknowledge that and wish me a happy giving birth day” LOL even my birthday she can make about herself at least for a second. It’s just ridiculous.

I really hope my boyfriend and I can find a place of our own like SOON, preferably yesterday.. But every apartment in Toronto is so expensive and we only have a budget of about $1000 a month plus the apartment has to be pet friendly because of our cats, there are plenty of rooms to rent but we really wanted our own space, even a bachelor. If anyone knows of anything I’d really appreciate some help. I need to get the fuck out of here. 

Anyways I’ll probably be talking about my mom’s emotional abusiveness on here a lot so if it’s too triggering for some people please unfollow me I don’t want to upset people. Sometimes I don’t know what warrants a trigger warning but I figured emotional abusiveness as well as sexual assault by my stepbrother would need a trigger warning. If I ever don’t provide a trigger warning and someone feels like I should have please let me know. Also I love how I talk as though I have a million followers on here, I have 3 ahah, hello 3 people. 

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TOO MANY FEELINGS ALL THE FUCKING TIME

I’m such a fucking spaz like literally all the time. 

My boyfriend and I fight all.the.time. and we just started dating about a month and a half ago. Our most recent fight (that ended about 30 minutes ago) was about how I basically only want to watch movies that I want to watch and when its his turn to watch a movie I want to skip his turn... Understandably that would frustrate anyone. It’s just we were watching a movie that he wanted to watch when he asked me “are you ever going to want to watch a movie that you haven’t seen with me?” And I replied “Yes I am right now” and he explained that I didn’t understand the question and I asked him to rephrase it and he couldn’t and said “I can’t find the words to explain the question, are you trying to be this obtuse?” Which apparently I took the really wrong way and started a fight about it which I wasn’t intentionally doing. Anyways now I understand that we he meant to ask me was: am I always going to give him such a hard time about movies and more specifically when he wants to watch a movie of his choosing. Another fight stemmed from miscommunication, that’s how all our fights start. It worries me because if were fighting so much over little things what’s going to happen when we have real issues to deal with?

Anyways so now his ex (I’ll call her Betty) is texting him via my phone (because she blocked him on her phone and for some reason is ok with texting my phone to talk to him which literally makes no sense but whatever) and asked him (I’m going to refer to my boyfriend as Joe on here I think) anyways Betty asked my boyfriend Joe if she could talk with his mom because she’s had a really shitty week and his mom is the closest thing she’s had to a parent (my bf and her were together for 8 years so I’m guessing her and his mom bonded and became close during that time) so he said that she could talk to her. I understand why he said she could talk to his mom and obviously I’m not a sociopath and would want a suffering human being to have resources available to them so I totally get it. It just makes me feel super insecure because I feel like maybe his mom will really enjoy her conversation with Betty and maybe they’ll start talking regularly and maybe his mom will convince him to give it another shot with her because I doubt his mom likes me anymore (for reasons that would take too long to explain right now) and at that point I could see him leaving me for her because why not? She’s more financially stable, not reliant on her parents, lives closer to his mom, has her own place, has his cat, etc, etc, although he’s explained to me that he never wants to be with her again, people change their minds and it probably makes more sense for him to be with her than with me at this point. I feel like that’ll probably dawn on him eventually because I get the way my life works and it sucks. 

I wanted to develop a good relationship with Joe’s mom... But I’m so fucking shy especially when it comes to phone conversations and his mom lives so far away. I guess Betty’s beat me there too, yay. Now I’m imagining Joe’s mom (since were doing this already lets call her Lisa) talked to Betty about me and how I’m not that great and she liked how Betty and Joe were as a couple more than me and Joe, and they’ll have fun shit talking me together. I know I’m being borderline but this is what’s in my head and this is what I’m using this site for. So enjoy my horrible thoughts lol. 

I’ll try to vent on here more. It seems to help. 

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my PD ass on a daily basis

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Is Dating Doomed?

It’s funny I only drank 2 beers tonight and even after that I could feel myself craving the presence.. the touch, of a man. That sounds horrible so let me explain..

 I’ve been single for about 2 years now and it’s like deep down I’m yearning to be in that committed relationship and alcohol brings it out of me sometimes, especially when I’m alone in my room trapped amongst four walls that mock me. It’s not as though I even really crave penetration, more like emotional penetration. Fuck me with feelings. Like I want someone to look at me like they’re scared to lose me,I want to kiss someones entire body and breathe my life into them without it being overtly sexual. I just want to lose myself in another human being and then let them find me all over again, and find the parts of me that I’m scared of even looking at and just having them say “it’s ok you’re perfect to me”. Is that fucked? Am I too desperate for love? I try hard not to be but fuck..

 I see a lot of my friends and people around me in romantic relationships and wonder what is so wrong with me that I can’t have one? I’m on so many dating sites it’s sad and 99.9% of the guys on there just want meaningless sex while I want a meaningful relationship and of course when you tell guys that they run for the hills because they’re so goddamn terrified of commitment. What’s so deeply wrong with wanting to hold someone at the end of the night? And if finding a decent guy with whom I connect with and am actually attracted to isn’t going to work by using dating sites then what am I supposed to do? Because finding a guy at a bar is equally as shitty if not more.. Everyone says I’ll find someone at school (once I start college in September) but guys aren’t even allowed in my program (working with assaulted women, etc) so how’s that going to work? Life isn’t like the movies unfortunately I’m not just going to be walking around campus one day and drop my books and wham have my dream guy appear out of no where to pick them up for me.. That just isn’t going to happen. I want it to happen. God I want it to happen so badly, and not even just because I’m lonely cause when I’m lonely I could always call a friend, go out and socialize, no it’s because I have so much love inside me to give in that romantic way and I want that great love of my life, I want to be in love but more significantly I want a requited love, sure unrequited love can be oh so poetic but for once I’d like it to be requited and I’d like it to be right. A couple of weeks ago I even started writing a letter to “my future boyfriend” how fucked is that? I’ve been on dates sure but I haven’t met anyone who made me feel anything, not like the lost boy did. I still miss him sometimes, especially during those times where I feel like I’m meeting a bunch of useless jock types that don’t spark any emotion in me other then boredom and apathy.  

Why can’t I meet someone who makes me feel something?!?! It’s starting to really freak me out. And when there’s a profile on a dating site that peaks my interest the guy either doesn’t respond to me (probably because I’m not size 2 and don’t have “netflix and chill” listed as one of my interests) or he ends up being a complete creep who just wants to stick his dick in a hole. It’s pretty damn discouraging. How do people these days find love? Maybe I was born in the wrong era. I’m not really the “giving up” type though so I keep trying, every now and then I’ll get frustrated and delete my accounts but I always end up reactivating them again eventually.. If only to dream. To dare to dream. The sad thing is I’m such a great girlfriend, almost too great actually, hell I can’t begin to tell you all the shit I’ve done for romantic partners in the past, without ever actually getting anything in return. Maybe that’s why I’m so picky now, I’m waiting for someone to give something back to me. Buy me flowers, take me out, mention something you like about me other then my giant boobs. I deserve it, I know I do. Why does dating in 2017 feel like the equivalent of shitting all over your heart, giving it a quick rinse and then doing it all over again? My heart doesn’t belong in a toilet it belongs in love and in safe keeping. Is it Toronto? Or is everywhere like this? Everyone just seems to want friends with benefits, one night stands, people to arouse their twisted fetishes, a sugar mama or daddy, etc.. And quite frankly I’m sick of it. Where are all the genuine people looking to get lost in the world of hand holding and slow dancing? Where are all the romantics? 

Thus concludes my rant of the day, rant of my lifetime.

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Finally

I’m able to actually type on a decent keyboard that doesn’t stick or make me fuck up every 2 seconds. I’m so lucky my mom got this laptop for me.. Now I can go back to a lot of the things I was missing, like gaming (yay sims and WoW) and of course blogging. I really do want to share my experiences with you all. Today’s a good day :) I guarantee you though I won’t be posting in regards to “good days” all the time ha, I mean there is a reason I’m anonymous on here. 

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Gotta start somewhere

I don't know where to start with this blog.. Honestly there's so much to say, or rather type. Lately I've been really trying to focus on myself and not boys (or rather fuck boys) you'd think this would be easy but having BPD I crave being in a relationship. It's like I don't exist unless I'm in a relationship. I'm still missing my lost boy (someone I'll be reffering to a lot) he was the only guy that made me feel alive, like I was just flesh before I met him. But that's not true I'm so much more then these feelings. I deserve to be happy and to be happy I need to love myself first. I'm trying.