deeply-winter

[deeply-winter]

life is just an endless cycle of figuring out what I’m avoiding

and then avoiding it a bit more

[deeply-winter]

I did a complete media fast for a week — no social media, no “fun” internet, no tv, no reading.

The first day wasn’t that bad. I had a few sewing projects to get done, and I actually got them done. The second day I had insane energy, restless energy. I was like a little tornado, running around my house, fixing things, changing things, starting projects I’d been dreading—anything not to feel that boredom.

The third and fourth days were brutal. Not having my phone as a crutch, I had no coping mechanisms when I was too tired or too angry. I had to be uncomfortable and it was so hard not to reach for my phone.

Then things started to change. I had more energy after work. I started drawing—something I hadn’t done in years. I wrote pages and pages in my journal. I planned new sewing projects, worked on my knitting, played with my cat, and just sat in silence, looking at the birds outside my window.

Without other people’s opinions in my head, decisions came easier. I started just doing things, trying them out, instead of constantly over analyzing.

At the end of the week, tv felt overstimulating. I always write with the tv on, and now I can feel how it’s pulling on my attention. I get tired from TikTok so quickly.

It’s three weeks ago now, and my screen time is still below 1.5 hour per day.

I know extreme measures are not for everyone, but if you’re like me and the concept of moderation just does not work for you, give it a try. It’s incredible how much you can reprogram your mind in a week.

Amen

[deeply-winter]

let your impulsive thoughts win

bite the yarn

[deeply-winter]

Hereby dedicating my thirties to undoing all the damage I did to myself in my teens & twenties.

[deeply-winter]

I met my younger self for coffee today.

She showed up five minutes early. So did I.

She brought a book in case she had to wait. I brought my kindle.

She ordered herbal tea. I ordered an americano.

She asked if I managed to leave the north. I said I was trying to come back.

She said she was terrified she’d fall in love. I said that when you meet him, you’ll feel safe. You won’t lose yourself in him.

We hugged. She smelled like the cold.

I hope I can see her again soon.

[deeply-winter]

so turns out my insecurities are profitable.

I don’t want to be sold solutions anymore.

I’m gonna love myself out of spite.

[deeply-winter]

keep promises to yourself

keep promises to yourself and everything else will fall in line

[deeply-winter]

you can’t create what you can’t imagine

your imagination needs to be fed

go out of your comfort zone and find new images, new sounds, new scents and scraps of conversations. find things you’re naturally pulled towards, things that make you jealous, things that captivate you and repulse you and make you feel fifteen things at once.

then start creating

[deeply-winter]

nothing beats the feeling of wearing a hundred hours of your time

[deeply-winter]

I’ve been scrolling back through my old blog on here, back to the first Trump election, and I used to care so much about not offending people.

But I also didn’t write. I didn’t post. I communicated mainly in reblogs and shared memes. I tried not to be problematic and I genuinely think it hurt me and my creative development.

I’m still growing out of my people pleasing ways, but it’s such a relief to not be stuck in that anxious place anymore. To not have to be good all the time.

I’m kinder now, I think, but not as obedient.

[deeply-winter]

the girl in stem/knitting crossover I live for

making your own patterns is fun until you have to actually do the math

[deeply-winter]

the one upside to the quality of clothing taking a nosedive is that my homemade clothes don’t look glaringly homemade anymore.

my handknit cardigan (my first) is miles above the cardigans I saw in my last trip to the mall. It feels deliciously heavy. It’s cozy and soft and so warm. Above all, it fits me perfectly.

anyways, I’m thinking of sewing some pants in the new year, fully inspired by the crooked crotch seam I saw in Abercrombie.

[deeply-winter]

the finishing details always eat up 20% of the time when in my head it should be no more than 2%

[deeply-winter]

I’m realizing that doomscrolling and my obsession with shopping came as a result of being creatively starving

as soon as I started creating more than I consumed, it was no longer impossible to get through the day without being glued to my phone

[deeply-winter]

the clickety clack of metal knitting needles is unmatched

[deeply-winter]

unrealistic knitting pattern wishlist for the fall/winter:

lupin sweater by hanne rimmen

wednesday sweater by petiteknit

levitate wrap by my favorite things

late summer wrap by knitting for olive

arctic light sweater by veronika lindberg

honorable mention to the baby bear suit by knitting for olive. so cute but I have no babies in my life.

[deeply-winter]

remember when they told us that failure is not an option?

I’m learning now that failure is, in fact, an option. Sometimes it’s the best option, the option that allows you to move forward with your life, the option that stops you from being stuck.