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[falling-between-the-cracks]

9. Help wanted

July 2022

So today marks Day 21 of feeling off - 3 whole weeks but I have to admit I do feel better in some respects. Rather than carrying the feeling of unease, the air of sadness around with me all day it just casts its shadow over me in the mornings. And I am still yet to release energy from inside of me, the tears that I feel threateningly close to sometimes have not yet materialised.

Two weeks ago this Saturday I sat on a train headed to my friends wedding. And for some reason, that triggered me, I had this unimaginable pressure to just burst into tears and started crying. Now before this I have only ever done this once, in a park in my city whilst I was going through a previous low phase. And so at that time I realised that maybe I do need help. Perhaps I should seek some form of professional counselling.

Since then I have reached out to a counsellor and am due to see him next week. It reminds me of the time I last sought counselling - nearing on three years ago, and how at the time it felt like such a relief, a space for me to vent and air our my inner thoughts and feelings without judgement and for someone to help me navigate my feelings and emotions. And honestly, I think that is exactly what I need right now. I just wonder what it will bring out of me.

[falling-between-the-cracks]

[falling-between-the-cracks]

How I always imagine therapy to help

[falling-between-the-cracks]

9. Searching for an answer

The Empress (reversed): Loss of willpower and strength, lack of self-worth, feeling insecure

Ten of Wands (reversed): Burdened by circumstances, failure to share with others, burn-out

Six of Swords (reversed): Trying to move on but returning to the past, questioning your decisions, can't move on, can't let go, self-sabotage

High Priestess (reversed): Finding it difficult to listen to your intuition, confusion around you, feeling isolated

Page of Swords (reversed): Lack of understanding, loves talking but does not talk much about substance, unsure about future career, overanalyzing

[falling-between-the-cracks]

8. Sh*ts creek

July 2022

I can appreciate I am going through shit currently. Not only am I reminiscing about the past, but I am beginning to doubt the future I had carved out for myself. Every big decision that I was sure of is suddenly confusing me, making me doubt myself. Is this really what I want? Is this really the direction I want to go in? Some of the biggest things I have had to tackle with in the last few weeks (since my current down phase began) have been trying to come to terms with the career I want, the location I want to be in and the future family life I want to live. Each choice, each decision is interlinked and there is a residual fear inside me that if I choose the wrong path that will be the end for me.

For as long as I can remember I have felt like a ticker, I feel like my time has been running out - similar in a way (if I am allowed the comparison) to the analogy of the ticking clock for women regarding childbirth. I feel like I am on a timer and I need to speed along, to reach my final destination. I need to reach the pinacle of my career quicker and quicker and quicker and if I don't - well to be honest I'm not entirely sure what would happen but I know its not something good.

And so being in this confusing lost space, where I feel I can't even trust my brain - having switched from one career path and destination to doing a 180 and wanting a different career path and destination. If I can't trust my brain what can I trust. Which direction am I meant to go in. What do I want and how can I get there. What does my future hold and what choices must I make to get there.

So many questions, yet no answers.

[falling-between-the-cracks]

13. do not beg for what does not want to stay

- Rupi Kaur, milk and honey (to do list (after the breakup))

[falling-between-the-cracks]

7. Endgame

July 2022

This weekend has been tough but also gentle to me. I have had a space to reminisce and think about my past, my present and my future - and which direction I would like to go in. I have had the opportunity to unburden myself of my pains and my aches and my worries and to have my friends try to help me along my way. But it has also been tough because I have found myself going back to you. My thoughts slowly untangling and reaching out to you across the divide, hoping against all hope that I'll see you again. That I'll run into you again. That you'll recognise me and want to stop.

I had a surreal moment when I ran into another of my ex's this weekend. I shouldn't be surprised by the circumstances under which we met - I mean the gays are known to flock to this area but it was still unexpected. I can't seem to come up with any stronger or emotive word than unexpected. Was I sad to see him? No I was not, he made me feel, for lack of a better word, neutral. I never loved him, I don't think I could have ever loved him. Do you think this will happen when I see you? Will you make me feel neutral too?

I am better now. I can feel the sadness ebbing away. It is like the sea meeting the sand. The waves advance and they retreat and they advance again. My sorrow constantly stalking me is more like the waves now, it ebbs and flows but its still there, under the surface, waiting, watching, unwavering.

A thought crossed my mind as I left this weekend. That you can do what you want but I've decided we're endgame. Endgame. What an interesting word. Do I truly believe we are meant to be and will reunite. I wonder what is endgame for me. I wonder when I'll sit and look back and think to myself; I should've worried less, everything worked out as it was meant to. As it was meant to. Maktub.

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[falling-between-the-cracks]

But then also this year has been tough for you. You have faltered, you have mis-stepped, you have fallen, you have been trampled on. But you are still standing and you are still going and I think that speaks volumes.

- Words from me to future versions of myself

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6. Open book

July 2022

I have always considered myself an open book. I feel like I talk straight, I speak openly and I converse freely about what I am going through and wanting to hear about what my friends are also going through.

Yet there's a friend of mine who sees right through me, and never fails to call me out for it. Over a year ago now she called me out for pretending. I remember quite clearly the day we were sat down, the hour nearing midnight when she turned to me and said I was the least open person she knew, the person she least knew about. And again yesterday when I spoke to her again after an age she said the same thing.

And it has made me think and reflect, am I really not sharing what I am going through? Sure, I share the superficial things, I share the funny stories but I do hesitate in sharing some of sadness. Ok maybe most of my sadness. Like my current spate of sadness and low mood. It is very few people who actually know I am going through something. Less than a handful. And why is that? I think a part of me feels like I'm burdening people and I dont want to burden people with my problems. But beyond that sometimes I feel embarrassed of my feelings. I feel like I should not be having these emotions or going through these phases.

I don't know. I don't know what to do about myself or with myself. I feel marginally better today but in all honesty - I don't want to. I want to keep feeling sad, atleast it makes me feel a certain way, and I want to cry, I want to release and I want to heal.

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Why am I like this?

Maybe I'm an old soul trapped in a young body Maybe you don't really want me there at your birthday party I'll be there in the corner thinking right over Every single word of the conversation we just had

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My biggest fear is I’ll never fully heal. That one night destroyed every inch of my heart. And after all this time I’m still missing pieces. I will never be whole again.

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My mental state is: If you give me a long hug I might start crying.

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“If you have to speculate if someone loves you and wants to be with you, chances are they don’t. It’s not that complicated. Don’t waste moments waiting and wondering. Don’t throw away your time dreaming of someone who doesn’t want you. No one is that amazing, and certainly not someone who would pass you up.”

— Donna Lynn

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5. Focus

July 2022

I feel off base, like I'm having trouble breathing, focussing, concentrating, relaxing. I can feel every heartbeat, I can feel every inch of my skin currently and sat here I feel like I'm hyperaware currently. A part of me believes-thinks-hopes that I am getting past whatever funk I'm in, but another part of me is struggling to let go, to move on. I can't move my focus off you. My breath catches everytime I think of you. I keep daydreaming about you.

Am I so broken that after all this time you can still plague my thoughts. Am I always going to be this broken? I can't remember your face, I can't remember your voice, but here I am. Still ruminating in the past.