frothingbeerbottles

[frothingbeerbottles]

being a theo decker defender is like yes he's a whiny piece of shit but he's MY whiny piece of shit

[frothingbeerbottles]

Every time someone says Theo is straight an angel loses it's wings.

[frothingbeerbottles]

genderqueer and/or androgynous Boris Pavlikovsky do you see the vision

[frothingbeerbottles]

i used to not think my bpd affected my relationships which was stupid. around january, i noticed that a problem i had with relationships was is when they get too intense, too overwhelming or too critical for my liking is i acted likean animal backed intothe metal of a cage without saying anything about it. i didn’t act on these thoughts of saying something until may sadly. i ignored all of my friends so much to try and get them to leave meand would like them only when the conversation wasn’t overwhelming or they’re trying to get me to do things. other times i was warring with the fact i was unstable, distressed and wanted to make this person or multiple people happy. i did nip if they got too close to the real me after i hit this stage of being overwhelmed constantly.

i didn’t mean to, sometimesan headmate would do it for me and completely fuck upand i didn’t know until tomorrow. alli could ever think about is how people view me but i didn’t want to be viewed by these people anymore. my brian just went “my organs are exposed and yourenot even actually seeing the real me for the way i am.” i would go along with everything each person said and pretend so much while trying to help and it is so exhausting but i used to not be able to bring myself to be like “you’re emotionally exhausting me by being my friend and or trying to subtly demand i do something”. now i can, which i am very happy about. getting better doesn’t mean you have to be exclusively nice, toxic positivity is the worst, you just have to know how you feel and express that.

i always want to be nice to my friends but it’s both a self destructive and toxic habit that i’m trying hard to change.how i felt about people i was meant to trust was “do not ever see me but also don’t leave but leave me alone forever please.” and that was NOT healthy on my end but it also wasn’t evil, i was literally just scared of being seen as something i’m not but scared of being seen for all my mushy parts so i was seen as something i’m not. it’s okay to not be nice if that’s what you feel but not if you’re doing it specifically to hurt someone. it’s okay to take a break from talking to someone if they make you feel distressed, hell it’s more than okay, it’s like the best case scenario.

anyway my recovery journey is long and it’s still going on. i am very glad and or happy for most of the people in and out of my life. some of them did deserve my random retaliation for reasons unrelated to the way i felt about them and more so their actual actions and words towards me, i’ll stand by that. but i was also an asshole in most of these situations, i have never grovelled and just sat down and taken anything, my arguments are a part of me and i’m proud of that. i change only the toxic parts of myself, the anger and the weirdness never goes away.

[frothingbeerbottles]

everyone get more woke now. “remove the t from lgbtq!!!” “trans women/men are less/more oppressed than blah blah blah” “anything other than male, non-binary and female is weird!! you’re making the community look bad” “trans men/women can’t be lesbians/gay”. I don’t think you guys get that the next weird queer over is not your enemy and that being queer is all about variety and fluidity. YOU cannot dictate someone’s gender, YOU cannot choose what orientation people are and YOU cannot gatekeep any label that makes someone happy because “that’s not what it means” or “thats not what the meaning of it says on the dictionary/online” (Both points are stupid and overall weak, the labels never came with requirements, they’re tools, not shackles.) The pupgender therian lesgirlboy with niche kinks to your left is not your enemy, the bigot who’s speeches you think in is your enemy, they do not care if you’re “different from the cringe/bad queers” to them, you’re still just different from them.

If you’re going to be that intolerant of people you ‘don’t want to see’ at pride, stay home, dumbass. You’re not a part of a community unless you accept all of it, not just a bite sized chunk.

[frothingbeerbottles]

I’m not immune to the propaganda. I’d fuck the shit out of that computer and that computer could fuck the shit out of me and I’d let that hvac unit stomp me to death. Don’t even get me STARTED on the couch

[frothingbeerbottles]

Just saw the most atrocious The Goldfinch take on Tiktok, I had to log out.

Someone called Theo a ‘yapper’ about his mother’s death and said they “went through more when my hamster died in 3rd grade”. Are you outside of your mind?? If your mother died you’d be talking about it and fishing for attention for fucking decades, and plus! it wasn’t just about Theo’s mother’s death, it’s implied that Theo got some kind of brain damage or injury from the explosion given his proximity and the fact he’s bleeding, Theo is confused, scared and is quite literally not thinking right. In addition to that, Theo loses his house and has to live with his friend + is put into therapy for a short while and also being medicated by Ms Barbour (introducing him into drugs) before being brutally ripped from his home and taken across America to which he immediately becomes co-dependent on a drug addict, Theo is not in a good mental state, he’s also very poetic and the lengthy descriptions are just Donna’s writing style. You wouldn’t get over it if your mom got blown up, you’d be fucking screaming off the rooftops to anyone who would listen.

Some people are mentally ill and some people are just mad in the head, these people are just mad in the head.

[frothingbeerbottles]

i’m viewedas weird and evil by everyone around me no matter howhard i try to getpeople to see the real me. might as well move on and not give a shit about these people anymore. iam healing and it’s very nice. might have something to do with the ounce of weed i’m smoking

[frothingbeerbottles]

i am weird and offputting for a reason.i’ll figure it out soon

[frothingbeerbottles]

They did it that night, didn't they

Ah yeas, sweat, sick and a secret third thing

Boris having a bleed in his mouth, theo having metallic taste in his mouth in the morning, boris wearing theo's underwear and smelling of something funny

Okay they drank from the same bottle so it can explain the metallic taste (besides boris gave theo a flat lip), and they already shared clothes although it's the first time theo mentions it but anyway If i wanted to really subtly mention an important moment in the characters' relationship i would do it that way

Always thinking about how theo is an unrelatable narrator with lots of suppressed icky feelings so the book has lots of such hints that tell you more than he does

[frothingbeerbottles]

As a borderline, I love narcissists so much and cannot understand why some people are like “bpd is the result of narcissists/narcissistic abuse” when the term narcissistic abuse was coined by an israel defence solider, who yes, did have npd, but he also blamed his narcissistic tendencies for three counts of securities fraud. He also believes that narcissists “cannot be healed, because they do not exist as real persons, only as reflections” and exist as a false self instead of that just being them or having these be adaptions for survival in stressful situations, all of his takes on narcissists are self-cop outs to demonise other narcissists and make him unaccountable for his actions. And you guys fell for it hard because you didn’t even know that it was made by a narcissist or even the integral history behind it like you guys seem to do with EVERYOTHER thing.

I LOVE it when narcissists are high and low, i LOVE it when they devalue people because they’re being unreasonable or ableist assholes, or even just because they’re being grating and purposefully ignorant and no one wants to say anything. You guys who hate on narcs for being disordered, ESPECIALLY if you have bpd, are just assholes, point blanc. All you want to make a group of people who are already hated on and targeted specifically because they are not your idea of perfect victims which makes you look more victimised in comparison.

TL;DR: you guys fell hard for the term “narcissistic abuse”, clung to it like a baby sloth and didn’t even know the history behind it or that it was made by a narcissist, and you guys definitely don’t know or care what being a narcissist entails or how it forms in people so maybe think twice before you flap your lips and speak up on shit you’re clearly uneducated on. Don’t throw your narcissistic siblings under the bus to get validation from neurotypicals who wouldn’t spit on either of you if you were on fire.

[frothingbeerbottles]

tomorrow i have chemistry exam. not good, i will not revise i will just smoke weed. wish there was something i could do about it

[frothingbeerbottles]

sybau

[frothingbeerbottles]

hey so we’re all in agreement that gender swapping Theo, Pippa and Boris just changes their builds slightly and doesn’t affect the way they look at all right? no? fucking rip my heart out would you??

[frothingbeerbottles]

The Goldfinch book is one wheat mark for melancholic gay teenagers who have no friends

[frothingbeerbottles]

Theo is scared of lightening because it reminds him of the explosion, that’s all folks.

[frothingbeerbottles]

i’m doing the exact same thing rn.. got gsces tomorrow YIKESS

I have finals this week and guess what!! maybe I haven't studied but I finished the first chapter of my fanfic AND yearned a little less than usual. It's a win for me