grotesque-illusion

[grotesque-illusion]

curious. I want more friends, but joining servers nowadays is either like getting threatened to be stoned by the town's preacher in the middle of the plaza, or a new layer added to the inferno specifically for the people in one of those servers...ykwim

mental health servers fucking suck ass n I stand by that. I'm not joining those

but like... if there's any cool n more laid back servers that are preferably a bit active, are friendly towards cluster b n systems, don't mind (educated) self-diagnosis,,,, i wouldn't exactly mind joining

promote your server or a server you know...ty.,,,

but keep in mind we're 18 n would probs talk about more mature themes. I don't really like interacting with people that are more than a year younger than me

[grotesque-illusion]

I want an fp,,,, but i want someone who actually gives a shit about me, too. but it's sososo hard to meet new people. I'm so shy, socially anxious, awkward, n whatnot that getting to know people doesn't come naturally. I'm extremely sensitive, n I don't wanna be that type of a burden to anyone, but oh my god, I want to feel like someone actually cares about me the way I care about them........

[grotesque-illusion]

Male BPD culture is not feeling welcome in the BPD community because you're a MAN and BPD is the GIRL DISORDER that GIRLS have and being scared you'll be excluded from this community you're supposed to belong to based on arbitrary factors that don't even matter, ironically mirroring every childhood experience you've ever had.

Bonus points if you're transmasc because merely having this disorder feels fundamentally invalidating to your identity due to how heavily associated with cis women it is!

BPD boys where you at we gotta be more visible

!!!!

-Fandom mod(a fellow bpd transmasc)

[grotesque-illusion]

being crazy in a way that makes you both hyperemotional and unsympathetic is something, because you'll see someone else in a state of total despair/panic, completely understand and relate to what they're going through, and STILL not be able to think anything other than "oh My god, get over it, it's not that serious."

logically, I understand that you need support, but emotionally, your suffering is totally different and way less valid than My own.

[grotesque-illusion]

I miss being an effin bitch. Did I get shit for it? Yea. Was i constantly humbled? Yea. Was i causing trouble n stress? Absolutely. Do i care? Well... not rly??

I frequently got adrenaline from it, got ego highs n attention. Life wasn't boring. It wasn't dull. How could it be with someone like my temper n attitude~? N then it's jus... like that part of me disappeared. The impulsive need to manipulate my way outta a situation, the need to excuse myself cuz ppl don't n will NEVER understand me...

I have ppl i care about now. Sure yea that motivates me to be somewhat good cuz I don't wanna lose them. But it's SOOOO boring n not rly rewarding when it comes to my ego or attention seeking tendencies. Being a good person doesn't give me a reward, it doesn't make me feel good abt myself. It makes me feel weak n soft, so now whenever I want to do somn that ppl would see as... bad??? I stay quiet n criticise ppl to myself

Life is stupid...

[grotesque-illusion]

traitors. all of you. every single one of you

[grotesque-illusion]

🪷If it feels like the darkness is closing in, know that it’s okay to acknowledge the shadows. It’s okay to feel scared or uncertain, but remember, even the longest night gives way to dawn. Hold on to the hope that brighter days are coming, and don’t be afraid to ask for a light to guide you through🪷

idk who sent this over, but thank you????? appreciate it lots 🖤❤️

[grotesque-illusion]

I feel you anon </3 if you see this let me know your username!! I'd love to attack you

HPD culture is participating in artfight and thinking “why has no one attacked me tons of other people are getting attacks” on the first day of the fight as if there’s not more time to get them

.

[grotesque-illusion]

If anyone has sum kinda server or group of ppl then let me in cuz I'm so damn bored n want to meet new ppl

Preferably a server/group that accepts HPD n NPD cuz I hafta deal w both so now you have to deal with me ❤️

[grotesque-illusion]

Why can't people just pay attention to me and compliment me and tell me how much they adore me?? Why do I have to deal w crashes all the damn time n have NOONE willing to help me w them. Is everyone so effing USELESS that they can't do ONE SINGLE THING FOR ME??

[grotesque-illusion]

Having both HPD n NPD feels like ppl are ignoring me on purpose 😒 They KNOW I have both. They KNOW I need attention n supply, n yet they don't give me it

[grotesque-illusion]

WAHAHAHAHA I don't think you're evil~ it's only fair to get bacc at them if they triedta be disrespectful cvnts

The only ppl I consider friends are my equals/eps(?). I don't rly care abt the rest as much, but since we've got a connection due to our systems being close I tend to be there for them regardless. Sum ppl I generally don't care abt, others are way lower in (my) hierarchy for me to even want to be associated w em~

I'm unfortunately aware I wouldn't be able to handle having someone close to me who is also a narcissist. I'd pick fights w em cuz I NEED to be better

But also I RLY want someone to think of me as their superior n for sum reason only other narcissists would give me the world if I asked, but I can't give it back

I need someone to worship me n treat me like their God. Treat me like royalty if not the divine. Tell me how much you crave me in all the different ways, send me hornii messages saying how badly you want me. Literally WHATEVER comes to your mind. Jus say it. I will adore it~ ❤️

However, I will treat you badly. I'll love-bomb you n then when I'm bored of ya I'll discard you~. I'll give you special attention n then act like you don't exist unless it's for my personal gain~

I WISH I could provide something bacc sometimes, but unless I already care abt you it won't happen. N cuz we're a system I can't afford to put us in a situation where I'm jus using another person

[grotesque-illusion]

Usually I take anything as a threat or "humbling", even if its somn like a joke. I hate it. 😒🙄 I usedta lash out a lot before, now I'm kinda more calm abt it cuz it's an absolutely pathetic attempt~

There's no proper way for me to know. I'm also always paranoid, I jus kinda end up having a gut feeling that someone is trynna humble me or do damage on purpose. It ends up being 50/50 cuz I'm so stuck in a "everyone is against me" mindset that I refuse to believe someone is jus joking 😮‍💨

I can't rly say any of my "friendships" are properly healthy. There are still times where I pick fights for no reason, lie, get pissed at them, etc. Tho I make it up by communicating or improving my behaviour (as much as i can rly. My symptoms are severe so it's kinda hard)

I'm unfortunately aware I wouldn't be able to handle having someone close to me who is also a narcissist. I'd pick fights w em cuz I NEED to be better

But also I RLY want someone to think of me as their superior n for sum reason only other narcissists would give me the world if I asked, but I can't give it back

I need someone to worship me n treat me like their God. Treat me like royalty if not the divine. Tell me how much you crave me in all the different ways, send me hornii messages saying how badly you want me. Literally WHATEVER comes to your mind. Jus say it. I will adore it~ ❤️

However, I will treat you badly. I'll love-bomb you n then when I'm bored of ya I'll discard you~. I'll give you special attention n then act like you don't exist unless it's for my personal gain~

I WISH I could provide something bacc sometimes, but unless I already care abt you it won't happen. N cuz we're a system I can't afford to put us in a situation where I'm jus using another person

[grotesque-illusion]

Ah, me too hunii~. I jus kinda bare through it most of the time. Unless they tryta """humble""" me 😒

I'm unfortunately aware I wouldn't be able to handle having someone close to me who is also a narcissist. I'd pick fights w em cuz I NEED to be better

But also I RLY want someone to think of me as their superior n for sum reason only other narcissists would give me the world if I asked, but I can't give it back

I need someone to worship me n treat me like their God. Treat me like royalty if not the divine. Tell me how much you crave me in all the different ways, send me hornii messages saying how badly you want me. Literally WHATEVER comes to your mind. Jus say it. I will adore it~ ❤️

However, I will treat you badly. I'll love-bomb you n then when I'm bored of ya I'll discard you~. I'll give you special attention n then act like you don't exist unless it's for my personal gain~

I WISH I could provide something bacc sometimes, but unless I already care abt you it won't happen. N cuz we're a system I can't afford to put us in a situation where I'm jus using another person

[grotesque-illusion]

Hm? I'm not too sure what you mean by that. Care to elaborate~?

I'm unfortunately aware I wouldn't be able to handle having someone close to me who is also a narcissist. I'd pick fights w em cuz I NEED to be better

But also I RLY want someone to think of me as their superior n for sum reason only other narcissists would give me the world if I asked, but I can't give it back

I need someone to worship me n treat me like their God. Treat me like royalty if not the divine. Tell me how much you crave me in all the different ways, send me hornii messages saying how badly you want me. Literally WHATEVER comes to your mind. Jus say it. I will adore it~ ❤️

However, I will treat you badly. I'll love-bomb you n then when I'm bored of ya I'll discard you~. I'll give you special attention n then act like you don't exist unless it's for my personal gain~

I WISH I could provide something bacc sometimes, but unless I already care abt you it won't happen. N cuz we're a system I can't afford to put us in a situation where I'm jus using another person

[grotesque-illusion]

Quick question: how the eff to stop obsessing over beauty cuz I'm about to either kill ourselves or whoever else talks to me next

[grotesque-illusion]

Hi

Completely effing forgot abt this. Hi hunii~ ❤️