hellopatrickduff - Tumblr blog

[hellopatrickduff]

Loneliness

Dull stab

I have been alone during the plague

I risked death to play soft ball

I risked other peoples lives to see my friends

So that I wouldn’t be alone

What does that say about me?

I know I’m not invincible

That ended with the knee problem

But I need others to tell me I’m good

So I can ignore the bad

I drove drunk a lot

I used white privilege to get away with it

I just wanted to go home

Being fucked up is an oxymoronic conundrum.

First you feel fucked up, like you’re not normal,

Then you get fucked up, and wanna feel normal again

But what was I before the first shot?

I was lonely

Sitting in a room

Just like now

I could jerk off but what for?

I know what happens at the end!

A mild orgasm does not change the fact that I am an extrovert who is dependent upon others and their response to my decisions.

If I scream right now no one says anything

No one cares

Are you reading this and relating?

I mean are we destitute?

Determined to read lips through a paper mask and receive half the response for a full load of trouble?

For the thought?

I gave a lot for that exterior response

Perhaps I took an intellectual risk

Pondered the political correctness of the joke

Maybe it was a quirky comment of the state of generality

I want full what I give God dammit

I don’t make enough bread to eat that shit sandwich

I feel like I have a front row seat to that sandwich hitting the fan

I was raised by a drunk ogre who taught me to feel as though I may be punished for a tear

But boy were those eyes wet when he was dying

Wasn’t man enough to tell me either

Maybe I should be alone

I don’t know what to do with stimulation

I hold onto it like a galactic rose

And can’t deal when the rose wants to go away

Or needs to leave

Can’t you come home with me

I could water you and sing Pavarotti

Maybe your pedals could create new universes

A dusty nebula of stars surrounds you as your sun implodes

And then once again I am in that room

Older

With nothing but a slit of sun

And your ashes joining the rest of the dust

Fighting tears and feelings

Getting ready for the next round of chronic discontent

Looking in a mirror

Realizing I imploded years before I saw you

Someone doesn’t need to see that.

[hellopatrickduff]

Music

Love is a note

Even B

Love is both sound and time

Joy is finding the right note in the moment

Tantalizing infantaliation

Small grooves toward the groovy

Of a record that makes your mind go elsewhere

And see the sunshine of the immortal beloved

Or rise to the dancing bear occasion

Time measured in tone

Pitch expressed in a particular timbre

Lovely people

Dancing in a faceless malaise

Not for sex or profit

Not for any reason

Other than the celebration's anticipated climax

And like a roaring tiger

The many roar into one

Lights flashing

Titillating tempos increase

I'm almost there

Please don't stop

Just a few more scales

Oh my God

Please keep going

Pause...

Boom

Time, taste, sight, and sound

Become one

In infinite variations of eight

Concept to complete

[hellopatrickduff]

Boom

I am an ostrich

I eat my young

And fight and fuck for fun

I am affraid

I am increasingly concerned

And anxious of my ignorance

I am a tree stump

Damaged

But ensconced by my roots

I am starving

Growing more and more fatalistic

In the things other people tell me are bad

I am an optimist

Basking in the lovely glow

Of mushrooming cloudiness and black water rain

I am not that important

Satan is a good salesman

He says I am God

I am powerful

But I died writing this

And this line too

Life is a series of lies we tell ourself to justify the stinging regret living costs us.

We tell ourselves we are okay

We tell ourselves we are not enough

Which is it?

I like gray

Like some people like to be choked while they orgasm

Tingle in their toes to nose

Eyes rolled pure white

Head devoid of worry and oxygen

Letting go

Yet still holding on

Sky Daddy,

Flip the switch.

Stick a spork in me

I'm done pretending I don't care

Too much fun isn't fun

The opposite of what all this says is also true.

Boom

[hellopatrickduff]

Goodnight and Bye

Another night alone in bed

I'm not sure if the tears are from the fan

Or the overwhelming ache and isolated dejection

I suspect its the later because my fan is on the right and my tear is on the left

Today my fingers bled

From making love and music for those who will never love me

Not even take me seriously

I have earned these tears

And so I will let them fall and they in turn will let the universe know I am willling

That I am alone and despondent

Overwhelmed with numb feelings of occasional despair

And I may reach feel for someone who knows what its like

And zoom in the sunlight of the spirit and tenderness

And mollify a soul in altruistic care

[hellopatrickduff]

The Yaya's

Itchy

In your diaphragm

Slithering

Towards your heart

Wiggles

In your throat

So you can't speak

And expound on your feelings

And lie in endless joy of the feeling of completion

And looking at the stars in your eyes from joy

And having your heart so full your race turns red

And making love in a used car while your favorite band plays the ballads of the lonely

And leering in the eyes of your lover still wanting more

And aching from the guilt of undeserved acceptance

And discerning the streaks of sweat and tears from your lovers face.

You can't describe the sonder of your soul

And you piss your pants when the news comes on

And the news says it will be sunny,

While the government disintegrates

And our leaders cower for profit

And poor lose more than they ever had.

If I were you

I'd give myself a break

And make some more bread for your shit sandwich

And earn your freedom in the light of the spirit in the lost paradise

Of relative contentment.

[hellopatrickduff]

Empty

I feel alone in a crowd of people

When they talk

All I hear is noise

Jubilant chatter

People laughing so hard

Their eyes shut

Causing lines on their face

That make their eyes look like peacocks

Attracting other mates

Subconsciously saying:

"Look at me."

"Look how fun I am."

"Look at my healthy mind."

I get the joke

Smile

Pretend to chuckle

But make a grievous error.

I look down.

Weak.

Didn't they tell you keep your head up?

Now everyone asks me am I okay?

If the crowd were intelligent they would've asked:

Why do you care?

And then I'd be honest and say I don't think you can SPELL care!

And I'd rise like a phoenix

Lunging at that person

Smashing my glass against that person's skull.

The peices would explode

Causing bits of glass and tequila to fly in the crowds faces and genitals.

And now those peacocks of pleasure

Turn to turkeys of pain,

Stinging, stabbing pain

Then the room cathes fire

As I sit

The crowds screams grow more silent

I am finally in the peace of a burning silence.

And a small smile drapes over my face for once.

My eyes close

Head leans back,

Then ash.

All because I had to socialize...

Some trade-off.

[hellopatrickduff]

What Lies Beyond the Horizon

What lies beyond the Horizon?

What lies beyond truth?

Aren't we all sick of another buzz?!

Another light?

Another notification?

What are we doing here?!

Where's the buzz of existence?

And not just the buzz of a bottle or bag.

Where's the meat of it all?

The meat in our teeth,

The juice in our bones?

What do you feel when you look in the mirror?

Be honest

Is it something other than disdain?

Why did love fuck off?

Where's all the life to fuck on?

It dropped off like the collective testosterone in today's society?

Where'd all the passion go?

Why is passion fueling racism instead of justice?

Collective justice

Remember that?

Me neither...

Why don't we sleep anymore?

Is it so expensive to live we can't afford to rest?!

When's the itch of it all gonna make us scratch?

When's the fire at our feet gonna be the fire in our ass?!

When Jesus stops playing hide n seek?

No

I can't take it anymore

This bloody heart cries for healing

I can't stand this illusion we've accepted

I won't shed another tear of powerlessness

A pain so great

It crushes my soul

The death of freedom can't die voluntarily

Free press mocked illegitimate

Woman made to things

Men no more

I won't let this stance of indecision,

Pervade the collective conscience.

I will not be calm

I will not be civil

Made civilized by a disgusting, distant, disgrace

That expects me to serve

And be grateful!

I don't wanna be tired anymore!

When's the last time you woke up refreshed?

When's all the shit in our souls

Going to be flushed away?

Purged?

Rejuvenated?

Made whole?

Made aware the direness of our situation?

Is what our senses are really all there is?

What makes us feel?

Why do we cry?

Lose of love equals loss of water?

C'mon...

Give me a break!

Give me,

A fuckin break.

Is your life under control?

Or in control?

Did you stop,

Look to the stars,

And ask...

What's the difference?

[hellopatrickduff]

Under The Gun at Group

It is 2:05

Will I complete this poem in time?

Did the topic slip my mind?

And other thoughts been too unkind?

Did I drop the bomb?

Get in on?

Just before I sang my song?

Is there any reason I should write?

Can inspiration help my fight?

Sometime pressure is needed

For late thoughts are often conceeded

I am empty

Restless

And discontented

Writers block

Unrelenting

A dusty trap of valueless neurons

Did I dip my cookies in rotten milk?

While drinking a gallon of silk?

Did I lose the vapors of existence?

While I ever complete this sentence?!

Will I ever touch the ground?

Write a line that's so profound?

Did I take a dip of ranch?

(No fuck ranch, ranch can go to HELL)

Did I start the fight without the bell?

Did I forget to wave the flag?

I messed up, now I need scag!

Dig a hole without a shovel

Did I walk a tight wire without tying my shoes?

A mess I made not so novel

Did I replace my reds for blues?

Oh well

Take your topic and go to hell!

[hellopatrickduff]

Baleful Bob

Slime oozes

A gang-rape of innocence

Whiskey reeks while he calmly blabbers

"If you don't do it, I'll just get it myself..."

Reluctantly, I get him another beer

Confused and five

I drink some

To see what all the fuss is about

First sip

WACK

Instant illness

Soon after

I am recorded while my father beats me with a belt

With a casio tape recorder

Purchased at RadioShack

Dad's favorite store

Perhaps my brother used it as leverage

I've never asked him why he recorded the beating

Strange laughs linger lightly

From a confused youth

Soon

I realized this isn't a game

Soon

Sons sits watching smut

My Father's limp penis tugged by a wasted, wanting hand

After

I realized this was a game

To him

Years later

After a day of vomiting

He lies in bed

Next to his wife

Sobbing after son placing his urine in the toilet

"Boy what a good son huh Polly?"

Weeks later he dies alone in the ICU

The idiots never told me he was dying

I'm the only one who cries at his funeral

After putting the drink down

He dies before he could be a real father

I ate my pain

The grips of gripes seem oh so appealing

But he gave me everything I have

Or will ever have

Taste and tears

Everything

So I cling to what was not explicit

Or intoxicated

Or Ill conceived

Or in a bar

Or beaten into me

Or indoctrinated

By nuns

By their madness

By his crazed father

By child molesters led by Christ

(Who dont actually know who Christ is)

By drunk maternal chaperones

By competition

By failure

A loud persistent failure

Succeeding only in inadequacy

Treated by all forms of abuse

He rests now

He was

His son makes excuses for him

He curses with the Gods in Valhala

He flies in the cosmos of nothing and everything

He crosses his legs and pretends to meditate with Buddha

He does portraits and Mohammad is his muse

He lies in a large inflatable duck with shades, ironic floaties, and a smile on the river styx

He eats bread while Jesus winces

He is free

And so am I

[hellopatrickduff]

The Bat

It is dark

In bed, on my back

Street lights make the white ceiling look grey

I am warm

Safe

And secure

The mattress feels like censored quick sand

Fully sunken in a cocoon of blanket, heat and

Vulnerability

I feel something sharp sink into my left forearm

And then my face

Over

And

Over again

And

Again

High screeching, heart bursting fear

No matter how my arms flair

Or my legs kick

I feel the fangs of evil fall upon me

There is a bat in my room

Trying to kill me.

Suddenly

It flies through the left corner of the ceiling near the window

The blinds shaking;

Torn.

"Ah!"

I turn left to look for my attacker

But see that the blinds are still

My arm and face

Unscathed.

I check my shorts

Neither side fired.

I roll to the right and fall back asleep

"Fuck that shit..."

[hellopatrickduff]

Waiting in Line at Costco During Covid

Yes! A sweat spot, right in front of the exit, three spaces away from the curb facing the street and ultimately the goliath monstrosity.

Walking, I am then acquainted to a large line of scared, masked nervous wrecks and a tall, lanky worker. He states firmly as I approach the entrance:

"Sir, please go to the back of the line."

I am confused,

"Oh shit..."

I say in my head as an impending doom creeps from the back of my mind, and slivers down my spine, settling somewhere near my stomach and kidneys.

As I walk I start breathing heavily, the ensuing fog from my facemask lifts, coats the lenses of my new glasses, purchased at a different costco just before the eye department shut down.

A short, latino man races me to the back of the line. He cuts diagonally as I follow the cones connected by plastic barricades all the way down to the very back of the parking lot. Tough race old boy, he beats me by at least 10 furloughs.

An intrusive thought of murdering him comes to mind, and my conscience edits it by adding the clause "if he puts his hands on me." Flashes of my hands bloodied by his slowly crushed skull become unpleasant.

"CANCEL-CANCEL, this man is just doing the best he can and probably just trying to provide for his family."

I recommit myself to peace and the thought goes away.

We move slowly, six feet apart. "There better be paper towel man." Leaving would be a luxurious escapade; seems like everyone on the east coast needs paper towel. Not one pack to save my sack.

The minutes move like turtles fucking on glue traps as I grasp my cart handle a little tighter the closer I snake towards the entrance. After 30 minutes I reacquaint myself with the worker and see a sign:

SOLD OUT: PAPER TOWEL

My un-gloved hands touch my tired face. I pull my pocket knife out and cork screw the stern workers left eyeball. The screams give me pleasure as I go in to shop for food I don't need.

I approach my car after shopping with a great sigh of relief, security didn't even bother looking for me. As I reach for my keys I suddenly realize... I don't carry a pocket knife with me.

Never have, never will.

[hellopatrickduff]

The Inner Workings of the Male Pre-Pubescent Mind

What day is it? I hope it's the one where I don't have to go to school. The days where Mom makes those special pancakes and I can watch all the TV I want! Maybe Dad'll come home with Jankees tickets and I can scream at Jeters bat. Dad knows EVERYTHING about New York, He goes there all the time, Delivering fancy packages for Franny. She's nice! She always smiles when I visit her and her big dog. She's Mommy's age and I never knew girls could have nice, curly black hair. She looks like Howard Stern, But girl version. Maybe that's why Daddy works for her?! He likes to laugh at him. Sometimes Franny visits me in my dreams, When I'm not dreaming about Rachel or Allison. Especially Allison, I'll try not to give her anymore peanut M&M's, Mom says she's allergic so she can't eat em. Every now and again my thing gets hard when I think about her. It doesn't hurt, But I feels weird. Sometimes it gets hard when I look at Daddy's magazines. The ones where they have no clothes on and always look angry. I don't like when it gets hard, The only thing that helps is when I close the refrigerator door on it till it goes away. The soft part, I like it. Then when it goes away, I like to go outside and play with my big brother Charlie. He's real old, He's 13! He goes to a different school than me, And doesn't seem to like it. He likes Howard Stern too, And laughs with my Dad. I love my family. The end.

[hellopatrickduff]

Swiss Cheese

Each day, there blooms a new sun

Gold, yellow, orange

Rims of violet, purple, and pink

And each day I look into the mirror

Searching for something.

Someone really

All the petals of the sunflower have flown away.

Heavy breaths of passion

Replaced by the sighs of lonely discontent

Action turned lethargy

Lethal yet lascivious

An unexplained feeling of death

Shrouded by solitude

My company, the thoughts in my head

Sans valve, loins rejuvenated by science

My heart can no longer bare this condition

I have faith in love

But does love have faith in me?

[hellopatrickduff]

Saying Goodbye to Booze and Other Things

I walk through the bar and into a booth

She's late as usual

The hostess is cute but I control myself

We Irish fall in love like racecars use fuel

Fast and quite often

But I'm doing a lot of things I dont want to do these days

MaryJane shows up smelling like her namesake and Tequila

My favorite

Ever since I found out I have some Spanish in me,

It explains my proclivity for Latin liquor

And lots of it...

A proclivity we both once shared

I am transported by her green eyes (that are covered by sun glasses)

Fiery red lips and black hair

A black hole black

The kind you can't escape from

"Late as usual... where you been?"

She says nothing

Not much of a talker today I guess

Lunch time is too early today

"I'm sorry, have I inconvenienced you?!"

She continues texting

Hate when people cant focus on something other than their own feelings and thoughts

A practice magnified by the advent of the so called "smart" phone.

"I can't do this anymore, Mary you're killing me, I can't... fucking stand the persistent pain you cause me and my family and the consequences our relationship. I'm done."

She smirks with a smarmy confidence as the texting continues at a feaverous pace.

"Heh!" But as if I'm not there.

I whisper "Don't you fuck-... dont laugh at me okay? I'm serious this time. I'm through."

She stops texting

Cocks her right eyebrow past the brim of her Ray ban's and from a smirk through her pierced lips, a cold glance take its place.

A mixture of not quite sad and not quite angry expression overcomes her

As she speaks, I am utterly terrified

But I won't let it show

"You smug, fat-faced tub of lard.. how dare you?!"

The waitress saunters over

"Is everything okay here guys?"

"No, three shots of tequila and a rum and coke? Do you serve agur-diente?"

"Jesus Christ MJ you look like you just came from a bar! I knew this was a bad idea, you are totally out of control and I'm done!

"You're not through."

The calmness with which she makes this statement shocks me and manages to recapture my attention.

"You're through when I SAY you're through. But hey... it doesn't have to be this dramatic! Remember the time we went to Bradford's for Wednesday karaoke, and you and I sang Wings of love by whats-his-name. And then we went to the city and drank screw drivers in Central Park and watched the sun rise through the Met water fall?"

"No I dont, as a matter fact but I'm SO glad you had a wonderful time. Take a hint, and go to Hell."

I walk out.

I dont want to walk back in.

[hellopatrickduff]

Igloo

I'm back you rat bastards

You filthy fucks

You aspiring assholes

I've been frozen in obscurity

Wondering why an orange reality star

Hates latinos so much

Wondering when the nightmare ends

Skipping in the hell of the American ego

Relishing the Costco hotdog deal

While managing to have 4 jobs in one year

I've been frozen in Smirnoff Ice

(The worst kind of flavor... self pity)

The sarcasm seeps in my psoriatic membrane

Bill Murray told me I needed self control

But mistook it for self confidence

And so I stood on a stage

And told jokes that weren't funny

Begging for approval to eat

When I had the weight of the world in my stomach.

I met a human exercise Yoda

Who told me to jump

And I asked how high?

Pools of me, sprinkled in the astroturf of psychosis

I sought for music I couldn't play

And girls I couldn't fuck

I read a lot of nothing

And watched a lot of the same

Pick your medium

It's a disappointing distraction

Designed to display a fancy fantasy

But you already knew that didn't you?

I cooked Alaskan salmon

With sriracha, lemon, szechuan sauce

The juice spilling down my fuzzy cheek

And I stood in the mirror with toothpaste on my tongue

And said good night to the rising sun

Even though it melted my igloo

I, still, though it was cooler

I had pictures on Instagram

No likes, just love

[hellopatrickduff]

Sadness

Lonely nights staring into the void The vast realities of existence Is there no more fun? Isn't there something else out there? Out in that void Wondering? Maybe waiting In the hallway of a journey to nothing. The world a grand hardware store And I've no use for for hammers and copies of keys that unlock doors to nowhere. I am lost looking at nothing but my flaws I eat to feel full but I feel so empty in the now The worst thing about happiness is you have to work for it The lazy always suffer from their choices. Tomorrow can't come soon enough.

[hellopatrickduff]

An Energy Unlike Any Other

Love will bite you Love will excite you But most of all

Love is life’s greatest teacher Of which we are all willing pupils.