hidayahchronicles

[hidayahchronicles]

The Shameful Sinner

Today I saw myself as Yunus عليه السلام ,

That the belly of the whale was the entrapment of the deceptions of my mind.

It was the cause of my transgression, that landed me in a place I had wish not to explore.

And the sea was the endless possibilities of what might be planned for me.

All I had to do was recite with sincerity the words of Yunus عليه السلام ;

”لا إله إلا أنت سبحانك إني كنت من الظالمين“

But the words felt heavy on my tongue, despite my heart believing in it so much.

The feeling of shame, yet Allah loves those who repents — so I repent in hopes of Allah جل جلاله bestowing His love upon me, a lowly servant who has strayed away.

-Ummxlayla

[hidayahchronicles]

Sometimes I wonder if women wish they never had children young — as much as they love their child, do they not feel that they missed out on opportunities.

For a while, I made my life revolve around marriage and wanting children. But for sometime the thought of it isn’t very much enlightening.

The older I get, the more I understand the responsibilities that will come with building new relationships like these. It’s not something you can easily walk away from.

I feel lucky to not have been a teenage mom, I express gratitude towards my parents for keeping me in check.

I constantly desired the companionship of a lover, planned my life around whoever he might be in my head.

But I’ve come to realise that I’m young and the opportunities I have now, I might not when I’m 30. That love can always happen— but time has a limit, so I have to stop waiting and putting others before myself and make the most of my youth.

[hidayahchronicles]

I hate that I reply seconds after being left on delivered for hours or the way I free myself when you call.

I hate the giddy feeling I get from you being sweet only to return to your cruel ways.

I hate the way my eyes light up or the unstoppable smile I get when speaking about you.

Most of all I hate they way I prioritise you and I’m not even a priority at all.

[hidayahchronicles]

Dearest Gentle Readers,

It would be preposterous for I to reveal any details about the new season of Bridgeton, fear not for this author is not uncouth.

Although…

I hate to admit that perhaps I enjoyed “Romancing Mr Bridgeton” too a great deal, as Miss Penelope reminds me to a certain extent about myself in an uncanny fashion.

Perhaps it’s the pen name I hide behind, expressing my thoughts in words or for all I know our view on love.

Nevertheless the ton this season, has displayed the truest form of what love looks like in reality, a reminder that love is a decision.

I eagerly anticipate the coming of the new season with much excitement.

Yours Truly,

HC

[hidayahchronicles]

I speak to myself with love, compassion and a sturdiness of a mother.

I wipe my tears away, and encourage myself that this too will past. That feeling is a joy of life whether it is sweet or bitter. Yet I reprimand myself for being naive in a world filled with chaos.

I celebrate my happiness and accolades by myself, hardly sharing them with anyone else. I scream and dance when no one’s lurking around. A sigh of relief from how others expect me to behave, as if I’m bound.

I am filled with rage, love, fear, desire, with fragments of melancholy, ready to detonate at any given moment when a sense of strong emotion overwhelms me — hyperventilating, body shaking, trying to make sense of what is happening, am I dying? Why aren’t I capable of stopping?

There I am again consoling myself, hugging her like a child who fell and scraped herself. I try to soothe her pain, that of blowing over the burning sensation, except with words of wisdom and encouraging her to be vain.

I am who I am, unable to change. I am passionate, I am sensitive, I have so much capacity for love, I feel everything much too intense.

A great deal of vehement can be felt— when eventually I turn my line of thinking into words befitting.

I am the prodigious muse to myself.

[hidayahchronicles]

I’m constantly burdened by the fact that my future is in my own hands and that the failure of me, will me be not living up to my potential I know I am capable of.

[hidayahchronicles]

What is love?

Love is a decision. Choosing to love someone despite their flaws, because you value the rose as a whole even with it’s thorns.

Love is showing up, even when you don’t want too — because the sun rises again after it sets and will continue to do so till time ends.

Love is devotion, where fidelity resides as if they were a religion.

Love is giving — leaving room for ambiguity without reasoning for reciprocation.

Love is selfless, it’s watering the flowers and watching them bloom in beautiful ways, because you hadn’t doubt.

Love is acceptance. Accepting of what is and what will come, never allowing it to wither away, because once you truly love it is impossible to be undone.

Love in all is a crazy concept, not just a chemical reaction in your brain.

Love is beautiful and scary and fills you with emotions worth experiencing.

-Ummx_Layla

[hidayahchronicles]

I think one of the worst things is being stuck between knowing who you want to be — and not knowing what to do in order to achieve it.

It’s easy to throw your thoughts across a piece of paper and unravel them, but to put the plan into action is harder to execute.

I’m told not to overthink and just do, but what do I do when the plan doesn’t work out and doesn’t align with what I want anymore? What do I do if this constantly happens? Because I’m human and I’m allowed to change, it’s part of my nature.

How do I hold steadfast to my goal, if change occurs and swindles my world?

Why am i like this? Thoughts constantly overflowing. It feels as if I transgress myself, with every action I do even if it does align with my objective of becoming better.

Thoughts are overwhelming, and I don’t know what they’re really about; but the feelings they bring along are unsatisfying and uncomfortable the least to say.

I know who I want to be, yet it’s hard to move in that direction.

[hidayahchronicles]

How to find peace :

You want peace?

Start perform your salāh, you will find peace.

Focus on deen and akhlaq, you will find peace.

Leave what does not concern you, you will find peace.

Talk to Allāh, and you will find peace.

But if you forget your prayers and forget your Creator, you will never find peace.

And if you do have peace regardless of not praying, fear yourself. Because perhaps you're getting this worldly life instead of the akhirah. Because only in Allāh, you will truly find peace.

[hidayahchronicles]

“Remember that you were art long before he came to admire you, and you’ll continue to be art even when he’s gone. A masterpiece is still a masterpiece when the lights are off, and the room is empty.”

— Charlotte Beier

[hidayahchronicles]

Be optimistic even in death

Why is wisdom tide to age; and marriage daunting as if it is truly the only purpose of a woman — that too of procreating?

Why is it that we’re fixated on what’s happening in others life, than being blissful of our existence?

Why allow the words of others to consume us in ways that diminishes our souls, that lingers for years?

Leaving the broken pieces of our hearts scattered across the floor, too tiresome to even repair it all.

So when the right one comes along whole, we expect them to accept us all. But all in what if nothing is whole?

Because when two soul meets, it’s too better them both, and not pick-up the pieces to repair one’s soul.

There is comfort in solitude, ambiguity in it also; but how does it nourish the mind when cut off from the Earth — as the human thrives on social mirth.

I admit the world is loud filled with thousands of euphonious tones, a real up whirled, if I do say so.

But no one is asking you to keep up, because everyone runs their own race — so how could you possibly be last?

-Ummx_layla

I've got older but not wiser. I didn't get married. I have no child. All my friends Have their own kids. My mother looks at me: "Why can't you be Like everybody else?" My heart is broken. But I've gotten used to it. Besides, I'm too tired to get it fixed. I find solace in silence, In moments alone, Where I don't have to answer, Or pick up the phone. But the world is too loud. And everything runs too fast I try to keep up, But I'm always the last.

[hidayahchronicles]

Bridgerton, the soirée of multi faced love stories. A lesson beneath the romance I had discovered, and within it I knew what I wanted and yearned for.

It was not the fiery and passionate love that of Daphne and her Duke.

It was not the enemies to friends passion that of Anthony and his viscountess.

Nor was it the love buried deep and embedded within friendship of Colin and Pen.

But it was about finding the peace within the chaos, being able to exchange moments of emotions and being understood within the silence without it being deafening. It was about loving through action and observation followed by effort; all through a blissful silence because their presence alone brought about peace. It was the love of Francesca and John Stirling the Earl.

A love that offered peace, comfort and stability.

[hidayahchronicles]

When I took a step back, and realised that looking after my body is an act of Ibaadah; everything else became easy. I became conscious about what I put into my body physically and spiritually.

The greed slowly faded away; the laziness and procrastination walked out the door too, giving me discipline to move my body even when I did not want to. I understood that for each heart beat, and every sweat that dripped from my body I would be rewarded; as I am looking after my body, an Amanah given by Allah.

Every time I face hardship, and feel like giving up I remind myself that I will not let my Beloved Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم dua’a go in vain. I remind myself that he constantly made dua’a for me and cried for me; how can I possibly disappoint Habeebullah صلى الله عليه وسلم .

A strong body, a strong mind, simply means better and more Ibaadah.

“A strong believer is more loved by Allah than a weak believer, although both are good” -Sahih Muslim

What I desire most in my life is to be loved and to be known to my Creator.

[hidayahchronicles]

I’d come across suitable marriage proposals yet they were all much older than me and came with their own baggage and issues. Despite being perfect candidates for a husband, all I saw was the mistake of my mother that stared me in the eye.

What could a 21 year old possibly have in common with someone 10 years- plus her senior. The frantic thought of drifting away from each other sooner or later made me stop in my tracks and re-think every decision I was to make, always leaving them with high hopes and the thought of possible betrothal to me.

Having lived most of their youth out and ready for settlement, scared me a lot for I am to still live parts of my youth out and I do not wished to be groomed or contained. I admit I craved stability and love much like my mother but I was not to tarnish my life with a repetition of her mistakes. I saw stability and love in older men (as they deemed to be mature and wise), but I also saw my ambitions and accolades dying with them. I’d have to dim my light and extend myself in ways I’m not entirely certain about to be able to be a supporting wife.

Although their words were encouraging and somewhat sounded supportive in aiding my goals and aspirations, I could not entirely believe a single word they uttered for actions meant much more than words. And to find out if they would follow through with their words would be a gamble.

I have lived my life trying to avoid the mistakes of my parents, yet they keep knocking at my door. What I feared most was being deprived from reaching the stars aligned with my dreams and a failed marriage with a broken home.

How am I to achieve living the life I desire and deserve without compromising a piece of myself?

[hidayahchronicles]

When you recognise your value, you cease pursuing other people. You begin to let go of those who don't appreciate your life and who don't value of you.

You know you're phenomenal in every aspect, so you don't listen to people who don't think the same of you. You become increasingly in love with yourself as you come to appreciate every positive aspect of who you are as a person.

You begin to acquire new talents and check your phone less frequently. You flee and live your own reality, avoiding being caught by society's norms.

You're aware of your past and your suffering, and you've come to the realisation that it's what made you the person you are most in love with—a person you wouldn't swap for anything.

You know you’ve succeeded when you know who you really are.

[hidayahchronicles]

Life has come to such that I don’t trust anyone or believe a word people say because all I’ve experienced is broken promises and unfulfilled words.

I don’t trust anyone because people are deceitful when it comes to words even if it is from your own blood nor do I harbour any hate because that would be causing injustice to myself.

From the I love yous to the, I value you to the, I’ll do this and that for you. I’ve totally given up. Where there is no expectation there is no disappointment. But I would be lying if I said i did not feel an ounce of pain.

All my life I’ve taught myself do it yourself if you want it done right. To not rely on others just to avoid disappointment. I’ve learned that actions speak louder and to not trust the sweetest of words.

I’ve been tough on myself and now I’m at the cross road of whether I have shaped myself into a strong person or just broken myself further.

[hidayahchronicles]

The man I marry, I will take him to Jannah with his own pockets. Gardens will grow on his grave and they’ll ask “What has he done?”. -His wife was of Talibul ilm (seeker of knowledge) and May he receive the same reward.

But that will be left between him and his Lord and our progeny to continue.

The man that I marry I will ensure that his rank is high with the Almighty, making sure to remind him of his prayers while we guard our chastity.

All because the foundation we will build will be based on Tawakkul a’lal Allah. And with Allah lies bounty and mercy.

Ameen 🤲🏼.