horribleddiary

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I feel anger against myself 

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AAAAA

Why am I thinking of jealous.  It’s not fun. 

Its not fun.  i know.  its not.  Like.  No way. It hate that so much actually. When jealousy peaks in and says hi. Just because I read about one of your other partners that I feel 200% threatened by but just because I feel like I don;t have the same skill as she does in terms of kink. But tbh she probably doesn’t have the same skills as I do in terms of loving you. Although maybe she does love you. I don’t know. I don’t think she does. She loves her partner a lot more probably and it’s cool too. I think she should probably love you too and I’ll be happy if she does.  But I am feelink threatened still??  Just because I am insecure about my masochism and my skills at the moment.  I am a bit stuck with Sub to be fair. I really don;t want to play with him because I don’t feel sexual with him at all and in general I don’t feel sexual with anyone else than you for now. But I don’t thnk I want to play with him anymore especially since his birthday.  I’m up and down and feeling meh I need to unload this somewhere and this will have to do.  know it’s stupid.  Also it’s so weird not to be kissing Raph at the moment??? Like weiiird. I guess my body got used to it but actually I don’t care so much. But it feels atural t kiss him. And I have a feeling he hated seeing V hit me on Friday and it makes me happy a bit vbecause I still want a revenge on how much he hurt me when he did so. But I know it’s not right and I need to deconstruct this. And I’m happy he has a girlfriend. She is super cool, also. Honestly.  But watching him having sex with them both was just weird especially given the terms of our relationship.  And I felt so fucking guilty.I hated that.  Im still hurt.  ehhh i know A likes me and its cool

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Pelle Swedlund (Swedish, 1865-1947), Gripsholm, 1913. Oil on canvas, 96 x 83,5 cm

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i remember way too many small details about people so i have to act dumb sometimes so i don’t freak them out

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Felt a bit horny the other day.

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J’ai besoin de sortir ça de ma tête. 

Maybe. 

Well surely.

Surely I made my mind up and everything is probably not true or I fucked it up if it was happening.  I don’t really want to be a stereotype but I hate myself a lot right now.  I just hate it when I am stupid. I am stupid. 

I know there is no way to be perfect but its kinda dumb to be flawed like that in front of someone you fancy. Ah ah.  I Feel like im 18 again and it sucks a lot.  I knew when I moved in that I shouldnt think about it. But lately I did and I did too much and I should have let the hope sleep or probably die. 

I know it is hopeless, let’s be reasonable.  But when she did some flirty comments then I stopped taking the pill then I wanted to be optimistic and then I thought mybe I should test the waters but we are past that point now and I am probably too young and too much of a friend. I mean, come on, we are VERY relaxed. And if anything was meant to happen it would have a long time ago or I just fucked it up because you can’t really upset someone when you are willing to flirt with them. 

Im so fucking awkward and I feel like shit and I know I am too passionate or too emotional because this shouldnt take such proportions.  I am just going to disappear for awhile.  Ugh.  I just want her to like me. But at the same time it’s definitely a terrible idea because if she did I wouldnt be able to stop myself and I would like her too much like I already do, when she would probably just not care. 

Fuck fuck fuck 

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It's difficult to explain

It's just difficult to explain now. It's difficult to tell people in a society where diet has become a god that I hate my body and the way it is growing and that I can't do a'ythkng about it and that actually I also shouldn't be doing anything about it. I hate my floppy belly, i hate my wobbly bits on my hips, I hate growing out of my pants and filling clothes I was lost into. I hate gaining weight. And so do most people. Everything everywhere tells us how terrible it is to gain weight, how bad it is to eat cookies especially after such an "indulgent" period like Christmas. Now is supposed to be 'New year, new you' with the whole 'getting healthy' bullshit going on (when really people mean 'getting thinner'). So how do I explain to these hundred of people that I should eat 'more' and even though I am not starving I still need to eat? How do I explain that even though I over ate at Christmas and it makes me feel terrible and disgusted about myself, iI can't go on a diet or on a cleanse? Or better, that I shouldn't? How do I explain that as much as I hate my belly righ now and my growing boobs I shpuldn't be doing abworks and eating 'lean and clean'? How will people not argue with me? I guess I am sick. And i am trying to be reasonable, there. And I know the weight repartition will eventually happen, and I know tons of shit now. But how do I live as a recovering anorexic in such a world? How will I manage with the constant yhoughts when the entire world seems to be supporting those thoughs? How do I not feel terrible when my housemate goes to the gym with nothing in her stomach when I can't go there and I had 5 biscuits and breakfast and lunch? How? I'm just going to have to suck it in. But fuck. Honestly fuck.

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I justwish I had someone to talk to

I’m fat fat fat.  I gained weight and I can’t seem to be able to stop.I eat shit everyday in tremendous amounts. And I just want to die.  I’ve rarely wanted to die so badly.  I know I’m not going to kill myself. But I wiwh I was able to.  I have my illness. I hate it but I love it at the same time. I hate it whe I feel terrible but I hate it as much when I feel good. Because good means guilt and then means bad. There is never a “good”.  And I am never going to be good enough.  I am just going to be fat.  All my life.  I fucking hate that. I fucking hate myself.  And right now I need to take a shower but I really don’t want to.  I just want to lie in bed and look at the ceiling.  Fuck. 

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When someone refers to a food as 'good' or 'bad' based on calorie content

(iwritewhatifeelisaywhatimean)

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My whole body is itching. I want to scratch everything. I want to remove that skin and dig to the bones. I want to reach my organs and rip them off. Please take that weight away. Please please please I need this away.  My whole body is itching. I don’t know what to do. I’m obviously not in a good state.  My whole body is itching, I want to scratch everything. I’m warm and cold at the same time, I want to leave my organs. I want the sky to fall, I want the ground to collapse. I want to run and I want to leave but I can’t barely move. 

My whole body is itching. I want my heart to explode. My brain is already dead. My whole body is itching. I feel all my skin shaking. My whole body is itching. I just want to get out. I just want to go away. I just want this to end.  My whole body is itching. I want to scratch everything. I want my organs to go. I don’t want my stomach to remain.   My whole body is itching. I want to scratch everything. Can I let myself go? My whole body is itching. I’m thirsty and I’m cold. I want to scratch everything. 

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It’s so ridiculous

It’s just so ridiculous.  It is so ridiculous.  It’s ridiculous to the point where when the dietician told me that I wasn’t allowed any form of exercise and that I wasn’t allowed to walk more than 30 minutes per day, I though that I would rather die than not exercise.  It is ridiculous.  I don’t want to die.  I’m just tired and I don’t know what to do and I feel like it would be better to listen to the dietician but at the same time I feel like I am still listenning to the ED without realizing it.  It’s shite.  Complete utter shite. 

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Gngngngngngnrelapsegngngngngngng. Fuck

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Thoughts that come through my mind disconnected

And when I try to connect them I am just really confused. 1- I want to die 2- I'm alright. 3- I wish I was dead. 4- Eating X is not as tough as I thought. 5- I wish Icould just resist hunger as I used to. 6- Why am I not in pain/cold/suffering/stressed/anxious? 7- That body of mine is kinda clever. 8- I need to eat less sugar. I need to eat less. 9- If I want that piece of chocolate Imma have it. Anyway I need to gain. 10- I am not thin enough. 11- I am not skinny. 12- I am not ill. I can't be ill as I eat normally and I am not skinny. 13- I might actually be slim. 14- I better take pictures of my ribcage cause I'm going to miss it when it'll be gone. 15- Why am I so weak towards food now? Why do I let go? It's going to be so difficult to compensate. 16- Actually I can sit down. 17- Why is my body so difficult to destroy and yet so easy to heal? 18- Is this illness really a life? Why do I want that to stay? 19- I like that slender body. 20- I wish I could eat pasta again. 21- I'm going to get enormous. 22- This is not me. And so on and so on... I am so confused at the moment. Honestly. I feel in peace most of the time and eating is less of a struggle (well when I feel like I struggle I feel like a big fraud - as if I was faking it?) but I keep having mixed thoughts. And it's like in quiet happy moments, without even being triggered or anxious that I get most of the suicidal thoughts. I feel like I am faking the disorder and that I am lhing to myself; for my own pride. Like I was prete ding to have an ED but to myself. Is that worry around icecream true? Or am I just pretending? Dunno. Anyway it feels weird. However on a positive note I think my body is a clever machine. Like I fancied some chocolate and allowed myself to eat X squares. I ate my squares and wanted more. I went for more a first time but held myself. "Don't or it's going to end up as a binge and you're going to feel bad" I didn't take it. But then I went again. Actually, I may as well decide for myself. I had the piece I wanted and then... The craving just went. Like he had what he wanted and he just had it and that was ot. No invreased hunger, no binge, no more craving of chocolate for the moment. This last piece was essential. I ate it because I wanted it. And the my body realised that I gave him what he wanted so he just said 'okay we had it now it's fine". If I didn't eat it I would have thought about it a lot. Either as a frustration or as a vitory (for Ana). Now I am just 'relaxed' about it. Also it qhows that the body; even if we feel is a sort of beast that can't be controled, when actually it's fine. Also same time but other side: I am sort of planning a relapse which I both hate and find reassuring. I hope I'll be able to "hold on" to that relapse and at the same time I hope not and I am looking forward to see the dietitcian. This is confusing.

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you will recover :))

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17051) I get so mad when people think i'm okay now because i've gained weight, but I still have the thoughts everyday. I just eat more now. EATING DISORDERS ARE NOT WEIGHT DISORDERS. I wish more people knew this...

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Foods i need to conquer back this year

- cheesy white pasta with ketchup - pasta - cheesy chips - mango - meat - grilled cheese - crêpes - tarte tatin - pizza - work's carrot cake - work's new burger - kfc - Ben and Jerry's ice cream - M&S lemon meringue dessert - rice - white bread - chocolate digestives - houmous - couscous - popcorn - fudge - eating my wafer cone without feeling like I should't - crumpets - scones - english muffins - peanut butter (not the 'healthy' one) - luxury lime&lemon curd yogurt from M&S - hot chocolate - whipped cream - anything with melted cheese - taramasalata, baba ganoush and tzatsiki - potatoes - sweet potatoes - ketchup - anything fried or stir fried - salmon - maquerel - carbs for dinner - sundaes - vegetable massala - real butter - store bought muffins - peas - ham - choucroute - sandwiches - knoppers - full fat yogurts - pies - kebab -

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I dunno what my reasons are

But I feel like I wabt to die. I feel like a big relapse wave is going to hit me. Why I'm I trying to recover? Do I even have something to recover from? Mmmmh