ilovedyinginside

[ilovedyinginside]

The new new low

Tw: depression, anxiety, abuse, coping

Today is a new, new low.

My partner whom, as known for, has been doing horrible and shady stuff lately and I am trying to run away from, has now decided I must visit them during every work break, as often as possible. I no longer get full days off at home to just be human. If I dont do this home life gets worse. Im so angry. Im so sad. Ive sobbed a lot today.

Short entry. I just feel defeated. Im so alone. Help me.

[ilovedyinginside]

Im afraid of what is next, I’m afraid to even think about it.

TW: relationships, abus3, nsfw(? Kinda) and trauma

As everyone knows, the other night, days ago now, was terrible. Things got worse since then, however, it was not because of the situation in which I prior talked about. My landlord kicked us out for two full days, with no notice on a holiday, because he decided he wanted to insulate and foam the ceiling, which is highly bad to breathe in if you dont wear the proper equipment and have ventilation, so everyone got thrown out of their homes the day after easter (holiday for my state) and needed to go somewhere else overnight.

Me and my partner have no family here, so we drove hours with our pets to get shelter because many hotels near us wont take pets.

It was insane, exhausting, and frustrating, and the whole time I was already dealing with the horrors of what I had learned a few days prior. I was so disgusted and scared, and then anxiety whipped me to a point where I couldnt even cry, because my partner was so very angry about the apartment, i did not feel at all safe bringing up anything that had happened. It was not a good time or a safe time to do so, and I know that now.

But when will be the next time?

Im scared there wont be a time to leave, to run, to bring it up, because god knows that I had courage before, and now its gone, because everything bad had to happen at once.

Im scared, frustrated, and I dont quite know what to do next, because anything I do feels… wrong. Like a bad idea, that could get me killed, but thats just my bpd brain talking.

Im paranoid now.

[ilovedyinginside]

Tonight went very badly, and Im not sure what to do anymore.

Tw: relationships, nsfw, s3xual content

Tonight I did something I have not done in a long time. I went through my wifes phone to see if anything was going on, because shes been staying up all night recently and forcing me to go to bed as soon as 9 pm hits.

She was using an AI app to do role play, which normally who cares tbh, its like porn for some and I have no issues with porn. However, she truly did something so disgusting and disturbing, i really cant talk much about it here until I am out of this situation and household and no longer with this person.

Im scared because i trusted this human and all they did was abuse me emotionally until this point. Im so horrified and upset. Im so disgusted with myself. I saw every single sign and was heavily gaslit into thinking i was insane. I feel so sick and awful, i truly hate my life.

Someone please, anyone help me.

[ilovedyinginside]

No resolution.

Tw: depression, anxiety, bpd and body issues

My brain has yet to let up, Im so tired. Last night I went to bed alone, cold and sad, and woke up to a strange… ‘situation’—- i wouldn’t really call it that if i had a better word for it, but something felt off, and i cant be sure what happened, but the ideas my mind came up with quickly put me into an anxious and depressive state of mind.

I hid in the closet to cry, mainly due to the fact that my wife had only just gone to sleep, and I didnt want to wake her back up and make her upset or tired, but i ended up waking her anyways with my lack of presence in bed. I feel bad about that, truly, but she forgave me and we went to bed.

Still, i cant shake that feeling I had. While im not sure if the scenario my head felt was happening was real, i will never have the answer, and thats ok, but it hurts, and its scary.

My sadness and frustration often end up with no closure, which is very….frustrating. I rarely get the answers i need and, usually when i find out the truth myself, ive done something ‘wrong’ or intrusive in the process, making me the bad guy for wanting some info or closure every time. It makes me depressed as shit, but theres very little i can do or say to fix it now.

I may write a post on that later, the fact that I can never truly fix anything, but for now im just glad i got to talk about it. Thanks again everyone, for letting me.

[ilovedyinginside]

I don’t know how to control the intense and raging anxiety inside my body. I don’t know why my mind can’t be convinced that people care when they truly do ! Where is the point in this life when you can’t even feel the warmth of others? It’s not fair.

[ilovedyinginside]

TW: Childishly drawn but, still pictures of bl4des, cu7s, etc.

I never got to make vent art when i was in middle school. Mainly because my mom looked through my bag and all my notebooks religiously, and the few times i did write poetry or draw something near strange, she attempted to punish me in odd ways like making me spend time with my religious grandmother for bible study. I never minded hanging out with my grandma, but my want to vent out my frustration was still there, and I ended up picking up worse habits at the time than just drawing shitty emo/scene girls on my notebooks or whatever.

Its best to not dwell on it, because now i am an adult, and i can make shitty vent art with no quality whenever i want. I never cared about it being good, this is exactly what i wanted, to feel like a kid, and its been so long since ive drawn that i kind of draw like one too. I dont care

It makes me happy.

[ilovedyinginside]

Introductions.

My name is Mik, I am 22 Years Old, so MDNI, please.

Pronouns: It / its

Likes: HKIA, Drawing, watching ATHF, horror movies, and arg horror. Writing and poetry are cool also, but im not very good at either of those things. I love to read, but i have a hard time due to dyslexia. Music makes me feel like i may not be dead.

Mental Health: I have been diagnosed with BPD, PTSD, and ASD, which encompasses most of what symptoms I have. EDNOS is large, but mainly secondary to the rest, as I do believe it was caused by my PTSD, which plagues me much more.

DNI: minors, creeps, or anyone who wants me to kms because of my disorders or pronouns or any of the other million things you could hate about me. Trust me, id love to, but I cant.

Currently, this blog is just to keep myself from going insane. I have major panic attacks every day, multiple times a day. Furthermore, i am heavily medicated and monitored by my doctors, but even thats doing little to make things easier. My hope is that this will give me a good place to ease my stress.

Thank you for stopping by.

[ilovedyinginside]

[ilovedyinginside]

Yeah

[ilovedyinginside]

Actually one of my favorite images on the internet

[ilovedyinginside]

[ilovedyinginside]

This is going to be a more personal blog where i can just kinda talk at a screen, or whoever wants to participate. I dont really look to talk to random people much, as im happily married and generally speaking, very awkward at making friends anyhow, so this is more of a blog to just vent and talk about my frustration with my mental health. Its been a long ride to this point as is and theres still a long way to go, so i hope that by the end, i feel a little less crazy. :)