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Wanda: due to personal reasons, I’m evil now

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Tony: let’s do an ice breaker, when you were younger, what did you guys want to be?

Steve: I wanted to be a firefighter

Nat: I wanted to be a vet

Bruce: I wanted to be dead, like my parents

Tony: and Thor?

Nat: are we just gonna ignore what Bruce said?

Tony: what do you want me to do, talk to his parents?

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Tony: *tells Quill his plan*

Quill: that's great, now rephrase it so it sounds like my idea

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Loki: I got kicked out of the family because apparently I am a “liability” and “weak” and “Loki”. The last one is just my name, but you should hear how my father says it

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Sif: you look good!

Loki: thank you. Of course, I already knew that, but it's still nice to have a second opinion

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Peter: is that a harmonica?

Clint, holding a guitar: yes

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Rhodey: what verb rhymes with dying?

Tony: crying

Steve: lying

Nat: spying

Bruce: multiplying

Thor: sighing

Clint: french-frying

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Fury: you expect me to act like a normal human being? I'm wearing a turtleneck

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Tony: I trusted you... and you... bed bath & betrayed me...

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Scott: *takes a free sample twice* I love robbery and fraud

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*TDW*

Loki, in his cell: trapped. Caught like a rat in a trap. I can't sleep. These dark, dank walls are closing in. I call to you, the spirits of the cell, save me! Save me! How long has it been? The days turn to months...

Thor, standing outside: it's been eight minutes, do you want some tea?

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Bucky: will there be sausage rolls?

Steve, crying uncontrollably: th- ther-

Bucky: Steve. Tony's funeral. Will there be sausage rolls?

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Thor: I made a fool of myself today and I will make a fool of myself tomorrow. Goodnight.

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Steve: self care is actually getting in fights with randoms in dark alleys

Bucky: no, self care is stuff like taking a bubble bath or putting on a lot of makeup if you like it or taking a nice warm nap and stuff like that basically

Steve: self care is the burning heat when rage washes over you. Self care is when you feel the bones crack under your powerful fists. Self care is the fear in your enemies' eyes

Bucky: okay fine, self care is taking your birthday cake just so I can eat the frosting

Steve: if you touch my birthday cake I'll make you eat your hands

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Carol: does this outfit make me look like a lesbian?

Fury: yeah, kinda

Carol: good

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Hope, texting: we're leaving, where are you?

Scott, texting back: hold on, Toxic just started playing

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Loki: the fact that I am constantly saying strange and unpleasant things is just part of my charm