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Rika - Pokemon Horizons - Episode 56

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(photos by sal_marin)

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Mysterious Repression Nonsense

What happened in the summers I came home from University? Seriously, what?? I can't remember a god damn thing.

...in the "dissociative memory loss" sense, not the "what did I have for dinner last thursday" sense

Thinking about it no longer freaks me out, instead I get grounded,

which means I must have processed those events during therapy and therefore the trauma from them is gone.

But... what the fuck were they though?!?

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Makeup look from the other night. The eye makeup came out awesome, possible next steps are:

A) my haircut could be more dramatic. I'm thinking of getting a silver streak, or silver highlights which looked great last time!

B) next up: learn a more dramatic blush and finally learn how to contour

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This weekend I went to A NO MEN ALLOWED ,SAPPHIC SHIBARI performance.

Must have been 100 lesbians, NBs, heck maybe some cis straight women idk, packed like sardines. Trans women, muslims. Dancing, drinking, sitting in a corner. Highly illegal! Haram af. God save my dirty little soul.

I felt like an imposter but that lessened as the night went on. Looking back, I wonder if a few offhand comments I made could've been seen as aggressive (classic "oh no what if I'm a predatory trans woman" worry). But my friend's partner, who I'd never met before, said I have a very calm, grounding presence. So it must have been okay!!

People move aside from each other. It's safe if someone bumps into you. It's ok if your skirt rides up. Compliments flew left and right. My girlfriend won Best Dressed. They blasted Hot to Go and gave her a crown and sash. I kissed her in front of everybody.

The organizer said she wonders if she's doing enough. But that event felt revolutionary. I think it had the best vibes of any event I've been to. What a huge fucking win!

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Jean hat + stars

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A study from reds references Medusa set.

I wanna talk about what an amazing reference this is. Parts of it look weird and my brain resists because that's not how it was taught anatomy, like, the left torso and hip seem too long, the upper body seems lopsided. It's challenging! Human bodies are so awesome and weird and bendy and stretchy.

What's going on here and why is it so freaking awesome?

Her left scapula must be very rotated towards the camera, which is making the pec, shoulder and bicep on that side look muscular, and bringing that lat round so you can see the side of it (which feels wrong to draw from this perspective !) Her right scapula must be held straight and pulled away from her torso, which is stretching out her pecs on that side and making it feel lopsided to draw compared to the left side.

Her abs are engaged, so they're tilted upwards, but her pelvis is tilted forward, the right side is raised, and it's rotated towards the right, making this fascinating angle and stretching and bunching the muscles in ways you rarely get to see.

Awesome contraposto, the right shoulder held without rotation like that makes the pose surprising and unique. That's not even touching on the bonkers medusa headgear and gorgeous oranges, greens and blues that I'll take a stab at when I have some yellow. Painting this reference made me appreciate it even more tbh.

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...

...it is incredibly funny to me that they inherited their dad's fucking massive hands.

I mean Shouto and Natsuo also have big hands, but they don't look as disproportionately huge as they do on Touya and Fuyumi.

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Playing D&D helped me realize: other people think they can fuck with my boundaries for kicks.

In two totally separate D&D groups, another player had their character coerce and steal from my character. This made me uncomfortable, but I let it slide because it's just a game? What's the big deal, right?

In the first game, my character fell into a spike pit. The other player (K) sat on the edge and said he''d help me out if I gave hima valuable jewel I had. I thought, this is so fucking stupid, I will do whatever it takes to get out of this dumb fucking interaction right this moment.

In the second game, the other player (S) tried to persuade me to take The MacGuffin (the jewel from Critical Role: Netherdeep, if you know), because she doesn't feel worthy of the responsibility. So I said no a few times, but she insisted, and we were stuck arguing, so I thought, whatever, it's just a game, I'm bored, let's move on and sort it out later. But in the next session, S stole the amulet back off me for reasons known only to her?? It's a part of her character's story.

The fact that this happened twice, in completely separate groups, made me feel really unsettled. I didn't like what that said about me: that I attract people who'll violate my boundaries. And if I can't keep my boundaries during something as seemingly trivial as a D&D game, how can I keep my boundaries ANYwhere?

To answer this, I broke the question into three parts:

Why them?

Why me?

How do I stop this?

Why them?

There are other similarities that made it extra unsettling. K and S are both white, older than me, and less emotionally mature than me. They're both deeply insecure, anxious, neurodivergent people. (just like my mom! HMMM)

They both DMed for me for a long time, but they refused to take feedback about how to make their games more fun, so I dropped out of their games. They both felt very rejected by that, and both got kind of weird about it in different ways.

They're both A LOT as players: playing characters who act out and are annoying, taking up a lot of spotlight. Other players put up with their characters behaving badly because it's just a game and no one wants to raise a fuss.

They're really hard to communicate with. They ostensibly welcome feedback, thank you profusely for it, and tell you how much they value you as a player and a friend. However, they're actually shutting down because they feel so uncomfortable and rejected, so no further communication or growth can take place. Then, they shut down more and more over time in order to protect themselves from further discomfort (which they bring on themselves as they double down on what they were doing wrong, and I progressively lose my saint-like reservoir of patience).

I don't play ANY games with K any more because it's intolerable. I'm only playing with S now because the GM invited both of us, I'm invested in that game, and I hoped we wouldn't have an issue. Surprise, now we have an issue, and I need to nip it in the bud because the campaign I'm in with S is going long term.

Why Me?

In both cases, as a TWoC, I was the one in the room with the least social power.

I have experienced a lot of exclusion in the intersection of transphobia and racism - even in LGBT spaces. So I've been conditioned to people please and let things slide in order to avoid exclusion.

I'm giving out subconscious signals that they can get away with this kind of shit with me (signals I learned in order to survive my parents). And they're picking up on it and subconsciously doing it. I mean, I bet they never even CONSIDERED doing this to another player.

This shows they ARE capable of listening and respecting boundaries, but they know on some level there are no CONSEQUENCES for ignoring me and breaking my boundaries.

The good thing is: my signals were learned. I can unlearn them!

How can I stop this? (A Work in Progress)

So I'm going to be paying very, very close attention to what behaviors and signals I give in my interactions, specifically with strangers, because I REALLY, REALLY want to ensure I don't pick up a THIRD K or S. How can I weed these behaviours out?

And I'll be paying attention to signals OTHERS give. What SPECIFICALLY are their behaviors that tell me they are unsafe (which I was conditioned by my parents to disregard or even gravitate towards). What are the behaviours that I didn't realize I needed to say no to in the first place?

And, how can I PRE-EMPTIVELY put up a boundary with them? Let them know they can't target me, WHILE they're still working out who they can target?

Then, the next level: Pre-emptively put up a boundary that says, you can't mess with me OR any of my ACTUAL friends. So fuck off and don't even try.

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Very tired so I won't finish this soon but I keep thinking of Fuyumi as Dabi SOOOO here you go

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Playing with my dolls in my mind palace. Making them fight

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made a map for my ACOFAF inspired TSL game! the worldbuilding took a lot of thinking n i feel like it turned out pretty good

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As someone overwhelmed at the prospect of reparenting myself, where do I start?

I'm sorry I didn't see this earlier, I've been using social media very sporadically this year. I have a lot of thoughts on this topic to share that are based on my long and ongoing healing journey.

This is going to be a lot of information about something that's already overwhelming, so I've tried to include advice on how to deal with the overwhelm of it all.

Disclaimer: I'm not a mental health professional. With that in mind, these are what i consider the main aspects:

Physical Reparenting (getting your needs met/asking for help)

Emotional Reparenting (understanding what you're going through)

Finding Other Kids to Play With (making healthy connections) (highlighted because it's the one most personal to me!)

1 - Physical Reparenting: getting your needs met/asking for help

I put this at the top because you need to stay alive in order to heal, and sometimes that's all you can manage. That means feeding yourself and your dependents, cleaning, doing laundry, UGH. Your parents didn't teach you how to do any of that, but other people can. And when you don't have the energy to ask, or you feel too ashamed, you have the internet!

A search engine can help you with even the most basic of topics. How do I brush my teeth? How do I do my laundry? How do I make friends?

Importantly, there is now lots of advice on how to do these things when you're struggling. For example: disposable paper plates and cups mean you don't have to do dishes. There are recipes you can learn so you can get a healthy meal with minimum effort.

I've found reddit great for this, eg: mom for a minute and cleaning tips. I've usually found that you can ask anything, even the most embarrassing thing, and people will either give you advice or direct you to where you can find out more.

You can't learn it all at once: focus on one thing at a time and find something that works. Once you've built the muscle memory for that one thing, you can focus on learning a new thing. That way, over time, you can build up your toolbox and turn your attention to other things. Such as...

2 - Emotional Reparenting: Understanding what you're going through

Often when we're abused or neglected, we lack the language to articulate or even understand what we went through, let alone heal from it. Once you understand what happened to you and why you act the way you do, you can start to figure out how to come back from it. This is where you learn to parent yourself emotionally.

There are lots of resources, so find one that resonates with you. Stick with it till you've got what you need from it, then move onto the next.

Here are some resources I've personally found helpful, based on what form of media you like to consume.

Books: From surviving to thriving by Pete Walker, The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk

Podcast: Respectful Parenting by Janet Lansbury. This is aimed at parents of infants and toddlers, but I'm finding it extremely helpful in being compassionate to myself and others when feelings are running high.

YouTube: Heidi Priebe; The Crappy Childhood Fairy. These two make videos on attachment trauma and various things related to CPTSD. Also on specific issues that crop up in our relationships and daily lives. They also are great for recommending other resources that you might find helpful.

3 - Finding other kids to play with: Making healthy connections

Playing is super important, whatever age you are! So many of us were too busy parenting our parents, or we never had anyone to play with, or we only ever got bullied. It's an essential part of childhood development that we missed in some way. This is something I find distinct about reparenting and treating childhood trauma.

This is hardest part by far, imo, but a vital one. Going to therapy is a great step. Devouring content and learning how to meet your basic needs is essential. But I believe true healing can only take place by establishing and maintaining genuine connections with others. Playing is the perfect way to do that!

Connecting with people is easier said than done, so how the heck do you go about it, you may ask? Keep going, gentle reader, because I have got some tried and tested advice for you!

This is the long one, so skip to the bottom for the tldr.

Mental health support groups are great, but spending all your time talking about how miserable you are can get you stuck ruminating and make you feel even shittier. That's something to be mindful of.

I recommend joining a group activity, like a sport, band, or gaming club.

Ideally something you're passionate about, your hyperfixation, even if it feels cringe. A structured activity gets everyone motivated to meet up regularly (something that's very hard to do for the purpose of just hanging out); all the burden of making conversation is taken off because you can all focus on the task at hand; and you have to practice communicating with one another to make it work.

Connecting with people is scary, and you will make mistakes and get hurt. It's important to keep trying anyway.

You will run into people like you, who are suffering and trying to better themselves. They will act out because they can't help it. They'll flake, they'll ghost, they'll accuse you of being abusive because they can't tell if it's abuse, a genuine mistake, constructive criticism, what have you. They sometimes turn into abusers themselves because they're now in a situation where they can punch down and get away with it. That makes people feel powerful in a way they've never felt before, which is seductive.

You might do any and all of these things, but you can learn to fix your behaviour. You will find people who'll establish appropriate boundaries, support your growth, and you will emerge as a healthier, better person.

The key is to find a peer group that is committed to healing together.

This takes time and experimentation, but you are not alone. You will find people of all ages and walks of life who will walk this path with you. This is what all the resources and books are for: learning to identify how to make connections and build a community that's healthy and supportive. Where you will probably fuck up and hurt each other, but will fight to come back from it and fight to grow together. This is where you will build the healthy, enriching relationships you should've have from the very beginning.

You may need to sever unhealthy connections.

It's extremely painful and difficult to cut off a family member, partner, or friend who's bad for you, and this is a whole topic on its own. However, you can develop a sense of when to stay and when to leave, and even though it's hard and lonely, you will be able to find people who are better for you. That will make it easier to know who to commit to in the long run.

TLDR: Focus on the social thing that brings you the most joy.

It takes a few tries to find out what is the best thing for you. Once this is stable, then you can expand your horizons.

Personal example: For this entire year, my main social focus has been keeping my Dungeons & Dragons groups going. I have two games a week on average, so I get to DM and play. Now that that's stable, I can go back to other friendships, and stuff I neglected (such as social media). The people who are worth it are the people who would never hold it against me for going off the grid for awhile.

I hope this has been helpful!

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For @miruyumiweek - late forgot to post to tumblr - day 4 and 5: enemies to lover/firelight!

The idea was that Miruko couldn't bring herself to hurt her lover, so the only way to stop her from destroying the city was to confess her love, promise to change sides, kiss her (and perhaps more??), and slip the quirk cancelling cuffs on while she was distracted

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For @miruyumiweek day 3: Fairytale! It's a Tangled AU with Ryukyu as Maximus and featuring two flavours of transfem Flynnyumi

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For @miruyumiweek 2023 day 2 prompt: Found Family!

I don't know if this counts exactly, but I love the idea of Rei and Fuyumi getting away and being spoiled rotten by the Usagiyamas. Also yes, I HC Miruko's mom as a big bunny who never has to wear pants (why would you have to wear pants if you were a big bunny??) and you cannot change my mind