jemeryl - Tumblr blog

[jemeryl]

As someone overwhelmed at the prospect of reparenting myself, where do I start?

I'm sorry I didn't see this earlier, I've been using social media very sporadically this year. I have a lot of thoughts on this topic to share that are based on my long and ongoing healing journey.

This is going to be a lot of information about something that's already overwhelming, so I've tried to include advice on how to deal with the overwhelm of it all.

Disclaimer: I'm not a mental health professional. With that in mind, these are what i consider the main aspects:

Physical Reparenting (getting your needs met/asking for help)

Emotional Reparenting (understanding what you're going through)

Finding Other Kids to Play With (making healthy connections) (highlighted because it's the one most personal to me!)

1 - Physical Reparenting: getting your needs met/asking for help

I put this at the top because you need to stay alive in order to heal, and sometimes that's all you can manage. That means feeding yourself and your dependents, cleaning, doing laundry, UGH. Your parents didn't teach you how to do any of that, but other people can. And when you don't have the energy to ask, or you feel too ashamed, you have the internet!

A search engine can help you with even the most basic of topics. How do I brush my teeth? How do I do my laundry? How do I make friends?

Importantly, there is now lots of advice on how to do these things when you're struggling. For example: disposable paper plates and cups mean you don't have to do dishes. There are recipes you can learn so you can get a healthy meal with minimum effort.

I've found reddit great for this, eg: mom for a minute and cleaning tips. I've usually found that you can ask anything, even the most embarrassing thing, and people will either give you advice or direct you to where you can find out more.

You can't learn it all at once: focus on one thing at a time and find something that works. Once you've built the muscle memory for that one thing, you can focus on learning a new thing. That way, over time, you can build up your toolbox and turn your attention to other things. Such as...

2 - Emotional Reparenting: Understanding what you're going through

Often when we're abused or neglected, we lack the language to articulate or even understand what we went through, let alone heal from it. Once you understand what happened to you and why you act the way you do, you can start to figure out how to come back from it. This is where you learn to parent yourself emotionally.

There are lots of resources, so find one that resonates with you. Stick with it till you've got what you need from it, then move onto the next.

Here are some resources I've personally found helpful, based on what form of media you like to consume.

Books: From surviving to thriving by Pete Walker, The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk

Podcast: Respectful Parenting by Janet Lansbury. This is aimed at parents of infants and toddlers, but I'm finding it extremely helpful in being compassionate to myself and others when feelings are running high.

YouTube: Heidi Priebe; The Crappy Childhood Fairy. These two make videos on attachment trauma and various things related to CPTSD. Also on specific issues that crop up in our relationships and daily lives. They also are great for recommending other resources that you might find helpful.

3 - Finding other kids to play with: Making healthy connections

Playing is super important, whatever age you are! So many of us were too busy parenting our parents, or we never had anyone to play with, or we only ever got bullied. It's an essential part of childhood development that we missed in some way. This is something I find distinct about reparenting and treating childhood trauma.

This is hardest part by far, imo, but a vital one. Going to therapy is a great step. Devouring content and learning how to meet your basic needs is essential. But I believe true healing can only take place by establishing and maintaining genuine connections with others. Playing is the perfect way to do that!

Connecting with people is easier said than done, so how the heck do you go about it, you may ask? Keep going, gentle reader, because I have got some tried and tested advice for you!

This is the long one, so skip to the bottom for the tldr.

Mental health support groups are great, but spending all your time talking about how miserable you are can get you stuck ruminating and make you feel even shittier. That's something to be mindful of.

I recommend joining a group activity, like a sport, band, or gaming club.

Ideally something you're passionate about, your hyperfixation, even if it feels cringe. A structured activity gets everyone motivated to meet up regularly (something that's very hard to do for the purpose of just hanging out); all the burden of making conversation is taken off because you can all focus on the task at hand; and you have to practice communicating with one another to make it work.

Connecting with people is scary, and you will make mistakes and get hurt. It's important to keep trying anyway.

You will run into people like you, who are suffering and trying to better themselves. They will act out because they can't help it. They'll flake, they'll ghost, they'll accuse you of being abusive because they can't tell if it's abuse, a genuine mistake, constructive criticism, what have you. They sometimes turn into abusers themselves because they're now in a situation where they can punch down and get away with it. That makes people feel powerful in a way they've never felt before, which is seductive.

You might do any and all of these things, but you can learn to fix your behaviour. You will find people who'll establish appropriate boundaries, support your growth, and you will emerge as a healthier, better person.

The key is to find a peer group that is committed to healing together.

This takes time and experimentation, but you are not alone. You will find people of all ages and walks of life who will walk this path with you. This is what all the resources and books are for: learning to identify how to make connections and build a community that's healthy and supportive. Where you will probably fuck up and hurt each other, but will fight to come back from it and fight to grow together. This is where you will build the healthy, enriching relationships you should've have from the very beginning.

You may need to sever unhealthy connections.

It's extremely painful and difficult to cut off a family member, partner, or friend who's bad for you, and this is a whole topic on its own. However, you can develop a sense of when to stay and when to leave, and even though it's hard and lonely, you will be able to find people who are better for you. That will make it easier to know who to commit to in the long run.

TLDR: Focus on the social thing that brings you the most joy.

It takes a few tries to find out what is the best thing for you. Once this is stable, then you can expand your horizons.

Personal example: For this entire year, my main social focus has been keeping my Dungeons & Dragons groups going. I have two games a week on average, so I get to DM and play. Now that that's stable, I can go back to other friendships, and stuff I neglected (such as social media). The people who are worth it are the people who would never hold it against me for going off the grid for awhile.

I hope this has been helpful!

[jemeryl]

For @miruyumiweek - late forgot to post to tumblr - day 4 and 5: enemies to lover/firelight!

The idea was that Miruko couldn't bring herself to hurt her lover, so the only way to stop her from destroying the city was to confess her love, promise to change sides, kiss her (and perhaps more??), and slip the quirk cancelling cuffs on while she was distracted

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For @miruyumiweek day 3: Fairytale! It's a Tangled AU with Ryukyu as Maximus and featuring two flavours of transfem Flynnyumi

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For @miruyumiweek 2023 day 2 prompt: Found Family!

I don't know if this counts exactly, but I love the idea of Rei and Fuyumi getting away and being spoiled rotten by the Usagiyamas. Also yes, I HC Miruko's mom as a big bunny who never has to wear pants (why would you have to wear pants if you were a big bunny??) and you cannot change my mind

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Jiro and mina look like a cute couple

(old art)

[jemeryl]

drew my fav ds9 girlies in silly kpop shirts

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Ascendance

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now that ive got a text tool i wanted to re write my last orc post

[jemeryl]

Inktober Day 18: Rei Todoroki

...

“I found this old photo upstairs,”  Shouto said.  “Did Mom used to snowboard?”

Fuyumi lifted her head.  “Oh, yeah.  All the time.  When we were really little, she used to take Touya and me with her.  You don’t know true fear or exhilaration until you’re zipped into a coat with your brother like a couple of baby kangaroos and you’re rocketing down a mountainside.”

…

Finding headcanons where Todoroki Rei is more than the submissive daughter, battered wife, and ineffectual mother.

And some happy memories for this family because goddamn if they aren’t one of the most depressing collective of messy bitches I’ve ever seen.

[jemeryl]

Icebunny Brigade, assemble!

4 weeks to Miruyumi Week, let's go!

We are also on Twitter. And we have an AO3 collection, so if you submitted a work for a previous year's Miruyumi week, feel free to submit it!

[jemeryl]

I was talking to a younger trans woman today and advising her on SRS stuff. I realised it's been more than six whole years since I had SRS!

It was the best decision for me, and I've never regretted it.

I'm feeling proud of my younger self for having what it took to go through with everything, despite how hard it's all been.

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Lady Sylvia Foxley

A noble only interested in throwing her next wild party and bringing even greater shame to her family commits a drunken heroic act for a fae creature in disguise and bam! paladin.

She’s a little worried about it.

[jemeryl]

copper dragonborn / way of shadows monk / female 

Classical, Shroud, Antique🗝️

for @NirnrootNoises !

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commission for @xurviving !

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three birds

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Things that can be done with one leg

English added by me :)