jennhope12-blog - Tumblr blog

[jennhope12-blog]

I miss you. I want to talk, get together. I’m trying.

I miss a lot of people, important people in my life I’ve always loved being with. I miss going out and I miss talking on the phone ( I’m old do we still do that lol). When I make plans they are genuine, I really intend on what we agree upon. I do. I’ll get the nerve to call you, to make plans. So excited.

But there’s this complicated little thing I expierience .... it starts with a bit of shaking. Nerves...than it’s that rotating knot in my stomach next my heart starts to race than the sweating starts. It feels awful just want it to stop.

And than there’s the voice... telling me I shouldn’t. Shouldn’t call, shouldn’t go. You don’t want me there, I’m not missed. ANXIETY

I’m slowing winning the battle against anxiety. I honestly for years didn’t try, my depression feeding off the anxiety, was just easier to seclude and not try.

But I’m here trying, and I’m winning slowly. Wether it’s a walk for a few blocks just to get out, calling a friend I’ve not seen for waaay to long ( and there’s still a few more of you I need to reconnect with because you elevate me.) And by calling you know I mean texting or instagram 😳

Ivet been telling that little voice to SHUT UP , I’m stepping out of this comfort zone I’ve bubbled myself into and I’m noticing once I get past that knotty,sweating, heart attack speed chaotic condition anxiety creates I’m ok. In fact I’m better than ok, I’m elated. I’m ass kicking top of the world, rocky type shit proud of myself!!

So if I’ve told you I miss you, I want to connect to go and talk. I mean it, I do very much mean it. Be patient with me I’m new to this whole be my own unmasked person not letting mental illness dictate my life!

I am getting there.....turning the tables.

Not being anxieties bitch but instead anxiety being mine!! #anxiety #anxietyattacks #anxietyreco

[jennhope12-blog]

Ok so I’m sure some may not agree with this Rant & that’s more than ok. I respect that.

As a parent myself of 3 children now 14,16,21 (amazing kids I might say ☺️) I can say this picture bothered me. A little fire in my tummy.

What does a parent having BPD have to do with having difficult” children??

I know plenty of parents with children that most would consider “difficult” & they have no mental illness. Just exuberant small humans testing limitations of their parents....NO MATTER the parents.

Now I do understand there are people that do have parents/ have had parents with mental illness and it’s not been a great experience for them not an ideal childhood .There is plenty of symptoms of tons of different mental illnesses that can create a less than ideal parent. I do get it, however everyone ... I repeat EVERYONE can be less than ideal parents doing less than ideal parenting. Not just Mentally I’ll ones.

I’ve had mental illnesses of a variety over my life starting young. All undiagnosed until recently but non the less I had mental illness while raising my kids. I worried about things like this poster. I worried I was contagious or by seeing my behaviour (when I couldn’t wear the mask & that was not very often) they would be just like me. And maybe sometimes I wasn’t the best parent but my kids have always been my number one priority. ALWAYS.. anxiety, depression, ptsd, borderline... ALWAYS.

Flip side having mental illness has also shown my kids to never give up. Never stop fighting. It’s ok to not be ok and it’s ok to talk about it. So two sides to the coin.

So that’s my rant... anyone can be a parent that creates a “difficult” child ( I “” difficult because what does that really mean?). This picture doesn’t capture that.

There’s NO shame in being a mentally ill parent . I’m one and my kids are everything I could ever want them to be. Every circumstance is different.

[jennhope12-blog]

Connections.

Found in the midst of uncertainty and reflection,

Connections to souls lost in the abyss searching like myself,

Capturing my beauty through the eyes of honesty untainted by evils hate,

Belief in the unbelievable easier,

Uncluttered a bit is the path through the darkness leading to tomorrow,

Invisible hands held not seen yet felt,

Clasped strongly with love and acceptance now walking beside me,

My healing journey brought to life by the power of self,

Charged by soulful family never known yet always there.

Connections.

Jennifer Hope (c)

Boldlybpd❤️

[jennhope12-blog]

Just be there!

My heart is tired of fighting,

Tired of asking you to just be there,

I need love and understanding,

Instead I feel you just don’t care.

I’m fighting this war completely by myself,

No love when I’m hurting the most,

But I can’t keep begging you for compassion,

This is me fighting for life and my mental health.

I ask for patience while I heal,

I can’t make you want to care,

But my heart is tired of fighting,

Tired of asking you to just be there!

Jenn Hope(c)

Boldlybpd ❤️

[jennhope12-blog]

Today I wore my mask!! Not for me but for others. We celebrated the life of my hubbys grandmother, who passed a few weeks back. Emotional! This morning my mother declared she won’t participate in my recovery because she doesn’t need a shrink and she won’t validate things she never saw. All lies and selfishness but still Emotional! Hubby lost his job suddenly just weeks before my start date! I can’t work .... Emotional! So you see without this mask today I would have been a mess, I was a mess just camouflaged by fenty and Kay von D makeup!! This is still a depressed person. A borderline person. An anxiety filled person. This is still a mentally ill woman trying to be the best her... the best me where this isn’t a masked face... this will be a genuinely happy me!! You can’t tell by merely looking at someone. We’ve learned to be deceiving, to fake it like no other. We know the judgement and stigma and so we protect our pain. We act like we aren’t in any... until we are alone and it all pours out in so many different some horrible ways. Imagine if it’s just ok to be a mess, to be depressed and anxious and look disheveled. This is the work we need done... educating, raising awareness ending stigma.. so one day we can be accepted as we are.

[jennhope12-blog]

Cracking under self pressure!

I’m cracking big time under self pressure,

I expected and assumed far too much,

I’ve broken wide open,

Now the memories are taking over,

My strength and my reason my mind just can’t touch.

I’m cracking under misdirected pressure,

A wanting so badly to just be ok,

Haunted by monsters too real all the time,

Running from nightmares of truth buried deep,

It’s hard for my dream of recovery to stay.

I’m cracking desperately under urgent pressure,

But I’m fighting and I’m fighting hard,

I’m getting weaker in my emotions each day,

But so much stronger in my wanting to just be okay,

My mind isn’t lost or broken it’s just traumatized ,saddened and scarred!

Jenn Hope (c)

(Boldlybpd 💕)

[jennhope12-blog]

Hey peoples!! So no shitting around it’s hard right now. My ptsd nightmares/flashbacks are intense and fresh and so my anxiety is beyond max. My depression has hold and I’ve been hiding and sleeping. I’ve had more than one BPD tantrum and I’m easily triggered and angered. I’m safe though, my counsellor knows and my husband is taking care of me. Even through my detachment and sudden rages he’s got me!! Doing the work got real freaking real last week and I almost walked away, I was so close but I didn’t. I won’t, I’m working on myself and through these traumas. I’ve been keeping super busy, it helps a lot! So I’ve been working on my advocacy here in Edmonton and my speech because I’m super inspired to get out there and share my story my journey. I want you guys to know I’ve been there... like really. I’ve been through all kinds of abuse, all kinds of loses, drugs, alcohol, teenage pregnancy, loss of pregnancy. Multiple suicide attempts. I’ve felt I had to prove how sick I am, how desperate I am. I’ve been medicated wrongly by doctors that just don’t know. I’ve been turned away from the emergency room with a pamphlet and a pill. But I also have found help and medication and recovery. I know there’s hope, the work is hard but there is work that can help!! I’m passionate you guys know someone’s been there. And that helps me on the hardest days!!

[jennhope12-blog]

So the last week was intensely intense. I had always heard our brains could take trauma and hide that away to keep us safe. I myself couldn’t imagine my mind had done this, but it had. An event triggered memories, feelings and a knowledge maybe even a verification that I was abused more than I wanted to acknowledge. I spent 3 days physically ill and my Bpd went off the charts ... it was bad. Hell it is hard and bad. I went in and let some feelings out some memories and now I know the work needed in this area. This work keeps getting harder but I’m ready... I may not feel it some days or in those low moments but I am ready!! I’ve held these traumas too long and now it’s time to release these shackles and set my true self free!!! #trauma #survivor

[jennhope12-blog]

When you start this recovery journey and you’ve already lost so many people you try to hold onto those you still have tighter. But it’s a hard road and the memories and traumas discussed constantly effectba person and those effects can than rub off on your partner. It’s hard to love someone so broken, I know, but it makes this journey harder thinking on top of trying to help myself I have to fight to stay loved. I’m working so hard, trying so hard but I can’t help being effected by so many things I tried to forget. I’m tired of begging for love, acceptance, understanding.... I just need comfort and unconditional love right now... I’m scared I’m going to help myself and lose everything else. Shitty feelings tonight....😔

[jennhope12-blog]

Today was rough!! Hardest yet in my recovery journey. Touched on some intense subjects, awful trauma I had pushed so deep I’d almost forgotten... it’s odd how the smallest thing can take you places you tried to burn away in your soul. I wasn’t ready to go to that place yet but it’s where my journey has put me and so as hard as it is I will do this work. I will learn it’s not my shame, it’s not my fault and I will finally release the pain. It won’t be easy, I’m scared of this place, but I’m ready... as ready as I can get because when is one really ready to admit such pain??!! Tonight I’ve cried, I’ve had my hubby hold me close and I’m now just chilling in my bedroom watching movies. I couldn’t people, just need to work through these emotions alone.

[jennhope12-blog]

Facing fears and anxiety!! First breakdown in a while brings disappointment!

[jennhope12-blog]

Tears today, first time in a little and now I’m feeling all is coming to the surface. I’m learning so much on my recovery journey and I can’t wait to be on the other side and see how great life can be when I have the tools! Today I had the chance to put myself in the situation to challenge my skills and see if I’m any further along. I chose not to do this and it was a hard choice cause I wanna be ready and I want to challenge myself. I know I’ll eventually have to. But today is not that day, not for me. I’m disappointed because I want to be ready but I can recognize that I’m not and I’m not ready to go backward in anyway. So I cried a bit as I feel guilt and defeat but at the same time pride for knowing I’m not ready yet. I wouldn’t have acknowledged that before... again step forward.

[jennhope12-blog]

Total honesty: I’m worried. I’m worried I’m being challenged too fast by the universe to put these skills I’ve been learning into action in kinda the biggest ways right now. Recovery is partly learning the skills we were never given or never taught properly and then eventually putting them into action. I just thought maybe I’d have more time before I really... I mean REALLY needed to use them. And I know I’m going to fumble a bit because well I’m still new at this but really there’s no choice. The tests have been placed before me on this journey a bit quicker then I hoped. I’m worried I’m going to put a mask back on and just say what everyone wants, do what everyone expects. I soooo don’t want to do that. I’m done with those damn masks..... I’m just worried. I suppose that within itself is a bit of a test!! Deep breath!!

[jennhope12-blog]

Happy Father’s Day everyone!! Dads, step dads, grandfathers, moms pulling double duty... whatever it is that makes you a Dad happy Father’s Day!! Father’s Day is a bit hard for me, it’s a yearly reminder I don’t have anything to do with my biological father. He is a serious drug user... has been since sniffing glue in front of me and my brother at 3. He uses any and everything and has for over 50 years. As a kid I tried to hold on to daddy, but as I grew older and his verbal abuse became worse.. I distanced myself. He’s never met my kids, my oldest now 20 my youngest almost 14. Last time we spoke he told me he was going to kill me and spread my body parts around... of course he was high but I had to say no more. It was too painful to continually watch him kill himself. I have an amazing step dad I gave shit to for the first few years because I was 14 and didn’t trust men. I had already been through so much! But he’s still around over 20 years later so hes my dad and today I celebrate him and my hubby!!! ❤️

[jennhope12-blog]

Hello my people!! Just a little update on your girl here. Meds upped a bit.. so I’m now 200mg Lamotrogine, 40mg Prozac and I’m trying trazadone for my sleep. I’m defiantly more energetic, I actually have a tan already this year!! AMAZING for me. I’m not out in public or anything like around a lot of people it’s mostly walks with the hubby but still it’s huge. My binge eating is under control and my picking is way less, so both of those are positive. Still doing my group therapies and regular appointments with my psychiatrist HUGE NEWS: this morning I got the call for my program orientation and to get my start date finally. It’s been 7 months on the list and I’m just ready to dive in and see where I end up. I’m ready and I’m excited!! You’ll be along for the ride with me as you have been... 18 weeks, 5 days a week of intensive therapies. 🙏🏻💕😊

[jennhope12-blog]

Hey guys!!! I’m still here don’t worry, I’ve just been doing A LOT of work in my recovery and so I’ve been taking time for self care... just some me time. Very important!! I’m super proud of myself guys... I’ve been outside of my house in the sun for 3... count them 1,2,3 days outside!! I know for most people without mental illness are like what why would someone be excited over 3 days of outside?? But if your introverted like me, dealing with mental illness/health like me... you get it!! 3 days, no appointments or things I had to do... just me outside because I wanted to!! I wanted too, holy hell thats a break through for me!! 3 days today but here’s looking forward to more days outside for no reason other than you want to!! 💕💕

[jennhope12-blog]

Video #4 of mental health awareness month!!