katcarter-316 - Tumblr blog

[katcarter-316]

3:29

so many debts

i can’t even pay back

so much stress

i can’t even lay back

lost n depressed

i can’t find my way back

but u were always right there

to keep me on my path

to get me back on track

ion even know how u would react

if u seen roaring 2020’s kat,

sat down, meeting 20 somethings kat

bottling my emotions, all them i hold in

then bodying a bottle of jack

u don’t know me like that

sippin quarters of bourbon

like they quarter waters or sumthin

cuz im stuck between the border

of being numb n just hurtin

i been searchin n searchin

for an apartment but when i bartend

the money’s uncertain

furthermore my next move

i had to get another job

right after i left two

bouncing back wasn’t hard

just the labor for checks do

really tend to make me pretend i

need this 9 to 5 life, i put my ambitions to the side.. why?

one of my debts

i can’t even pay back

i owe it to myself

to find my way back

w my ideas n creations

like the black excellence ball

im having invalid hesitations

i don’t want to rush n make it

yet i still can’t keep waiting

cuz the fear of failing

or the fear of succeeding

then failing to follow they expectations

at the same time, finding time

to operate it, gather the team that made it

having to be communicative

when i don’t even have the time

to window shop or stop n cop

for the vacation im taking

in my imagination

cuz i owe so many debts

im even distant w my friends

even w some of my family

im so far gone, like im in my own reality

could they all understand: its me?

or would they all just be mad at me?

emotionally in debt, w the people that make me who i am

how can pay it off,

i haven’t even been who i say i am.

i haven’t been who i was

n im fearful of who i’ll become

if i don’t find my path

n if i don’t stay on track

wake up kat.. wake up kat ‘

[katcarter-316]

“holiday spirit”

holiday spirit

more like

chardonnay n mix it

sip it

w prosecco

cuz some memories

i cant let go

my parents separated when they’re married

that separation created damage

maybe that’s why i want a marriage

to have everything that they didn’t have

i want my baby’s dad

to live in the same crib

where our room is w her baby carriage

i want him to be my groom, see

let me not get too carried

away

today

it’s christmas day

n i say this n that

i overreact

holiday spirit

all of it is different

put aside

the ornaments

above where santa’s gifts lives

broken n hurtin families

all the tragedies

the deaths we faced

the people that we can’t replace

memories we can’t erase

my daddy might be mad at me

picked up a habit of smoking cigarettes

i stopped praying

cuz i felt like what i’m sayin

was too much for God to be listening

things even santa can’t grant me

on my christmas list

when mommy tells me i’m just like u

i smell just like u

baby powder n liquor

everytime she cries for u

i cry too

and i swear i’m being strong

daddy, i try to

holiday spirit

my favorite stop & shop

is a local ‘wine & spirits’

things are just different

we used to go to auntie carol’s house

watch movies on auntie carol’s couch

Uncle Ashton & daddy drunk

we don’t know what they talkin ‘bout

open presents

our attention was always present

we always enjoyed each other’s presence

rest easy auntie cleo, uncle John, tia lucé,

auntie muriel, uncle fredrick n daddy dearest

holiday spirit, i ain’t been in it

i try to be, but every year is

harder than the last

often think about the past

n if i knew that last christmas

would be the last

i wouldn’t ask

for gifts n shit to unwrap

i’d just ask to sit

next to u or on ur lap

just hug u n hold u tight

just one more time

holiday spirit

what i look forward to

my daughter n i making christmas cards

decorating christmas stockings

having christmas off

stuffing the stocking

w little gifts i copped and

watching christmas movies

me n her home alone

maybe i have a husband

maybe i have a wife

either way whatever is destined

for once

holidays won’t be a time where i

am working bc i’m hurting

w all these emotions trapped inside

my future i’ll be open

can’t wait

for my son or daughter to open

the gifts that i

got them, knowing that they’ll love them

this day i dream of n work for

but today, i’m gonna work more

christmas hours

time & a half

so i can cut my emotional baggage time in half

i just want a distraction

from everything that has happened

one day, this masking

won’t need to happen

holiday spirit

holiday spirit

enjoy ur holidays

hope u love the gifts ur unwrapping

[katcarter-316]

“4:05” // i wrote this thinking ab my twin flame a week or so ago. they always cross my mind between 4-6am. it’s bittersweet. i decided to jot my thoughts down n this poem came about.

“4:05”

it’s 4:05, how u crossed my mind

thinkin ab the times

w ur lips touching mine

eye fuckin n little tickles

slowly down ya spine

cuddled up

kissing, fuckin

sippin, then sobered up

maybe smoke a loosie

just to loosen the stress

not for nothing, i don’t feel nothing

when i’m chillin w tess

it’s deeper than pussy

deeper than money

it’s deeper than sex

when i’m w her

it b feelin like an escape

gives me a rush

prolly molly can’t recreate

no need for LSD when DNT

makes me feel like i’m trippin

how i start feelin

when i’m chillin w tess for a day

so DND is where temporarily stay

don’t call me, fuck it

i put my phone away

ignoring them phone calls today

no i’m not being toxic

i mean maybe —

a kiss or two, then we just stop it

cuz i mean i bean outta pocket

but we’re irrational w no logic

truthfully, just being honest

i’m always gonna want it

n i’m always gonna want u

even times when i don’t want to

4:22, oh how i’m thinking of u

still writing its 4:27,

but if i’m telling the truth

i think ab u 24/7

but to let u know? n go against my pride?

pride won’t let me, so i rather hide

my emotions that i’m holding in

like i do be daydreaming n hoping when

we could relive our moments then

my pride gets involved

n the timing is always off

so i just bury it all

like a treasure chest, cuz w tess

everything is golden

i just imagine for a moment

if we made it back together

we were healthy

we were healing

n we did it passed forever

but that damn pride

n that damn ego

sayin:

ego:

welp here we go

pride:

just go talk to other people

ego:

stop social media stalking

pride:

like when ross was clockin

rachel thru the peephole

ego:

just go one some dates,

ur broken up, not ‘on a break’

pride: get tf over her get over it, it’s been a year. it’s her loss.

ego:

like when rachel was tryna get over ross, n went to dinner w mark

pride: just take urself shopping, get ur hair done n b a boss

kat:

yeah yeah i hear y’all all

i don’t know if u can tell it’s

a hole in my heart

i tried to fill it w psychedelics, whiskey, poetry n art

ego:

goofy. there’s a hole in ur asshole too, so what u filling first?

heart:

how do u expect to accept love, without u healing first?

pride:

who let heart in the chat?

but i respect that,

but listen kat..

ur on a journey u should be proud of.

ur healing wounds, ur self love has gotten LOUDER..

ego:

yeah n u can’t stop ur internal hurting

by lovin or bein loved by another person

that’s not how healing works

heart:

it’s a lot of discipline,

it gets lonely,

this process fuckin hurts

pride:

u don’t need love from anyone else besides urself

hello, it’s me pride— sometimes the hardest pill to swallow

kat:

i guess i just want

the idea of something ‘permanent’

not temporary or “borrowed”

4:05-4:47

[katcarter-316]

“ in my feelings ” // few days ago my dumbass decided to listen to drake on his birthday. i ended up writing to few of his songs but this one stayed n hit me in my core of repressed emotions. good, bad n ugly. i’m thankful for each of them n able to write ab things as a form of reflection, release, n healing. to my twin flame, my soulmate n my karmic partner. i love u.

————

kat in them feelings

repressed emotions

chillin, sippin

ima be real w it

write it out, heal n deal w it

do i love u? why i’m writing?

all this poetry, i notice we

ain’t vibing

but i love ya

i don’t need ya

i’m still down for ya, always

DT

do u love me, are u riding?

u ain’t ever gonna find another like me

n u know that

but don’t show that

still i’m down for ya, always

share a mind share a soul

but u knew that

always here, where ima go?

tho sometimes u abuse that

take it for granted, take advantage

but i get thru that

u once been abandoned

granted—

i ain’t one to do that

yet i understand it

but i still get confused at

times i miss ur call, still i call u right back

when u hit my line, still i hit u right back

u leave me on read, when u know ion like that

but i still wait for u to write back

so i can ignore u, n gain the power right back

we had so much baggage

but we still tried to carry on

runnin’ from our issues like a fuckin marathon

things that i share with u

i do not share with anyone

meaning our story

mama’s having us at 40

the rest, ima leave

rest in peace, yeah u know..that one

i can write about it for centuries

our story’s for the books

work in progress, yet a master piece

our story’s for the books

but i’ll end it here, i love u

back into the hook

kat in them feelings

repressed emotions

chillin, sippin

ima be real w it

write it out, heal n deal w it

LT

do u love me, are u riding?

treat me sometimes like a side piece

but i love ya

i don’t need ya

but i’m down for ya, always

we share a path, share some planets

we ain’t plan it

cancer moons, share pluto, venus, we reversed saturns

our neptune in capricorn, even downloaded “the pattern”

n co-star just to see what astrology had planted

u were sent to me, maybe too soon

i can’t stand it

we will never be,

now i just gotta accept it

i let u know, i let “us” go

i hope i don’t regret it

but it’s fair i let u know

we could grow, but only if u let it

u tell me done w that, n then i believe u

but ur actions don’t match ur words

7 year sequel

2020 the finale

n i never thought i’d say that

u were the one i wanted to marry

u was by side but not on my side

i fucking hate that

it’s ok, i love u fourever—always

hole in my soul, once again

u made that

kat in them feelings

repressed emotions

chillin, sippin

ima be real w it

write it out, heal n deal w it

AC,

do u love me, are u riding?

my homie, best friend for life we

been thru everything

call me if anything

know i’m down for ya, always

girl u know me, the new and the old me

we go way back, u my fuckin homie

u knew my daddy and my family

u the few that understand me

been watching u n i can see u learning

i just want u happy, we both know u deserve it

growing up, showing love

love u much, in case u haven’t heard it

u taught me about myself

lessons i hadn’t mastered

taught me to trust the universe w questions i couldn’t answer

feels like i knew u in my past life

everytime we link up, vent, drink up

it’s always better than the last time

always opened ur home to me when i needed a break from that “fast life”

tea time, some blankets, some candles

thanking u

for everything that u brought to kat’s life

kat in them feelings

repressed emotions

chillin, sippin

ima be real w it

write it out, heal n deal w it

[katcarter-316]

“trippin’ ” // i just thought of this line... 6am... “therapy lightened the load, but darkened my problems.. feelin like admitting myself into Arkham Asylum” n i freestyled the rest

therapy lightened the load

but darkened my problems

feelin like admitting myself

into arkham asylum

my therapist opened my eyes

but strengthened my habits

that’s why i take strips of acid

n day trips just to mask it

mask my shadow side

everything inside

that’s repressed n somewhat traumatic

not to sound dramatic

but

i’m full of shame n full of sin

i feel like im harley quinn

i rather jump in a vat of acid

when i can’t deal w my mental health

would rather recreate myself

cuz it gets hard to be strong

like if i fail or fall

who’s really there to catch me?

but really, i’m feelin different

for instance

i’m really workin on my healin

just need energy that’s gonna match me

i hate feelin like no one understands me

i go thru dark times too, but it’s like

“who kat? nah can’t be!”

i swear if i could stop overthinking

overdrinking then maybe i’d be

less toxic, but those those options

without them, exactly who would i be?

exactly what would i do?

without the drinks n drugs

u think i give a fuck?

keep it a buck?

what would u do?

who would u be?

if everything wasn’t what u thought that it would be ....?

[katcarter-316]

The most forbidden love tale there is

from stages

and phases

To races

Same sexes

Two dead dads

moms having us at the same ages

Alcoholics

Floating around the states

trying to find our placements

Maybe some day

we’ll be at the same pace

On the same page

people perceived our loving

just to be something

replaceable like nothing

but truth is

they wish they had it

but they just couldn’t grasp it

let’s write a book 1 day?

twin flame

this love’s like a drug

the strongest that’s ever existed

i’m thinking they had to

experience it, not just witness

it’s like if angels fell from the sky

n demons were lifted

n they met right in the middle,

a little forbidden

it’s like the earth moved in reverse

n sorta shifted

it’s like the universe

had a plan when we crossed paths

i take naps

just to dream about us to understand

n we can sit there n say— sit here n blame

Mars n the stars n retrograde

but it’s all alignment n timing

our tomorrows have no sorrows

n we can’t bring back yesterday

so today

it’s demanding

we write for better understanding

in our fairytale journey

on cloud 24 without a landing

fasten our seat belts

bc this flight has been turbulent

we’re on this journey for reason

just not sure of the purpose yet

because we went ....

from phases

and stages

To races

Floating around the states &

trying to find our place in all these places

Maybe some day

we’ll be at the same pace

On the same page

we can write our story,

just not the ending

can’t skip the pages

twin flames —

[katcarter-316]

#12AMINTROY

12AM in Troy, clubtails was my go-to shit

right in the corner store on old 6th

pregame w TIMMY, the bros, n my old bitch

open another can n chug the whole shit

it was always a party

from tequila to barcardi, please

livin our best life any chance we got like cardi b

when we got drunk, we played a lil instrumental

turn it up, spit somethin off the mental

2nd ave, porch in the back, damn

i love the ghetto

i rode my bike in the rain, just to say hello

walkin up the steps,

hearing the bluetooth connect (:

E&J on the living room table, retired the Mr. Boston

skipbo day, who’s the champ? tess n yella never lost it

st. nick playing fortnite me n the girl arguing, we not speakin

left the room came back w a nerf gun, shot her, she started tweakin (:

now we all at war w each other, bathroom n the kitchen

i’m shooting from the sink n of course im still sippin

kitty tryna escape n mind her business

12AM in Troy, oh fuck it, damn, miss it

pissy drunk at the ruck, for fuckin what?

when i hate the outdoors, but of course,

i still showed up

bored as fuck out my mind n out my element

say ima be sober, n i lied,

jameo i love the smell of it

so i take a shot of tequila, no lime,

i’m unimpressed w it

out at the bar to kill some time,

pause my depression shit

shit could get menacing

frightening, find help

sippin reminiscing

before i met ‘em i was by myself

i rather day drink w them n be drunk in the Subaru

than sip d’ussè w no homies, lonely, like i used to do

so i thank u, i do

12AM in troy, oh fuck it, damn i miss u

[katcarter-316]

“spotlight”

tell me exactly what i’m missing

tell me exactly that’s on ur mind

show me how to do things different

if what i’m doing isn’t right

don’t get why you’re so distant

n when we’re together, we just fight

tired of talkin when u won’t listen

so now u got the floor n the spotlight

i

just wanna be be with you

i’ll do anything u need me to or want me to

but

ur too nonchalant for me

like u don’t want me, too

like u don’t want me the way i’m wanting you

i

don’t wanna come off too strong

correct me if i’m wrong

u knew all along

the time i’m on

so now how come

all of a sudden u

hiding n duckin, u

acting like you’re ur not the one

i put my all in for?

all my love, all my time, all my

trust and more?

u got me second guessing

answering n asking my own questions

u got me suppressing

all these emotions

u won’t let me express them

u want me to be like u n repress them

i just wanna address them

i just wanna get my closure

i just wanna move onward

i take 2 steps forward

u come back, i relapse hard

n go 4 steps backwards

tell me exactly what i’m missing

tell me exactly that’s on ur mind

show me how to do things different

if what i’m doing isn’t right

i don’t get why you’re so distant

n when we’re together we just fight

i’m tired of talkin n u won’t listen

now u got the floor n the spotlight

tell me that u don’t need me

baby please release me

don’t text me in a few weeks

complaining that “this ain’t easy”

tell me u don’t want me

please let me do my own thing

don’t call me 4 in the morning

saying “i’m sorry, i was wrong” and

tell me u don’t trust me

baby please tell me this was a ‘lust thing’

a quick fix n fuck thing

that ended up being something

tell me u don’t love me

please tell me that “i meant nothing”

don’t send letters to my apartment

u tainted my soul n left me broken hearted

tell me exactly what i’m missing

tell me exactly that’s on ur mind

show me how to do things different

if what i’m doing isn’t right

i don’t get why you’re so distant

n when we’re together we just fight

i’m tired of talkin n u won’t listen

now u got the floor n the spotlight ....

[katcarter-316]

“sweep”

lemme sweep u off ur feet and

give u somethin to believe in

i don’t really believe in

wastin time misleadin

i wanna know your story

i wanna know ur traumas

i know u were made for me

but u keep a guard up

i know that u have demons

baby i have ‘em too

and if u let me in

i’ll fight twice: for me n you

i just wanna ride with you

until the end of time

i just wanna die with you

then see u on the other side

sweep me off my feet and

gimme somethin to believe in

don’t really believe in

lettin them in then leavin

u wanna know my story?

u wanna know my traumas?

u wanna be there for me?

but baby i got problems

baby i got issues

n i been tryna solve ‘em

but every time i’m with you

it’s like ur love dissolves ‘em

u know that i been lied to

i been thru some damage

no matter how hard i try to

i’ll never understand it

do u still wanna

sweep me off my feet? and

be the only thing believe in?

u don’t really believe in

being let in, then leaving

i wanna write our story

where we heal ourselves from trauma

i know u care for me

if i’m being honest

i wanna write our story

the one with us together

the one without our worries

where everything is better

u were something like an angel

but but baby where’s your wings?

u lost them being faithful

when they ain’t deserve a thing

and i would give u mine,

right off of my back

onward, moving forward

not worried about the past

i don’t care who was before me

just wanna be your last

in every lifetime, swear i knew ya

present n future

n every single time, i will always choose ya

i will always pick u

don’t ever wanna lose ya

u got me addicted

a passionate prescription

even with the distance

even when ya distant

i remain consistent

cuz my only intent

is to

be swept off of our feet and

be what anyone can believe in

cuz we do not believe in

wastin time misleadin

be swept off our feet and

be what everyone still believes in

cuz we do not believe in

being let in then leavin

[katcarter-316]

DAMN DANIELLE // feb 2016

I much rather praise these Dark Skin Queens than

Praise a white skinned man with lowtop clean Vans

Damn Danielle, back at it with the Ray Bans

Full of melanin, you don’t even need to spray tan

All that melanin, MAC and Maybelline couldn’t top it off

Danielle is going natural, all her hair she done chopped it off

Damn Danielle

I love the Formation of your baby hairs and afros

Using Cantu and Coconut Oil, showing your hair is natural

Damn Danielle

“You’re pretty for a dark skin” but what’s that supposed to mean?

You can’t help your complexion or change your parent’s genes

Damn Danielle

Where ya headin’ over dressing?

With your orange dress, and tan heels

Wait, re-think to wedges

Taking that scarf off after laying down ya edges

Damn Danielle

Back at it again with the hot oil treatments

You deep condition your hair every other weekend?

Damn Danielle

Your skin complements the burgundy lipstick on your lips

The same way those jeans compliment your thighs and your hips

Damn Danielle

You’re super confident with the nudity

Even though to some it’s “porn” not art

like how it used to be

Damn Danielle

Your hair been growing under the weave girl

Showing me the new growth, it’s real

I trust and believe girl

Damn Danielle

You’re so classy, and so respectful

So intelligent, and so successful

Dark Skin Queen, don’t let your crown fall, keep your head up

Dark Skin Queen, keep working hard, keep your bread up

Dark Skin Queen, don’t cave in, don’t let them know you’re fed up

Dark Skin Queen, keep striving, and you’ll be next up

[katcarter-316]

“BARBIE”

i had a barbie

she was real saucy

white bitch like britney

coca-cola n whiskey

line coke up w me

all pink everything

she was so litty

pink ass titties

she only hit me

when she in our city

518 bitty, she sittin pretty

my face her favorite seat

n she got my favorite kitty

peanut or bean, i mean, call her misty

misty day in her prime

hair curly and blonde

dancing in circles, hula hooping

recharging her mind

or it’s blonde and straight

like phoebe buffay

central perk cafe, performing sometimes

barbie singing n playin her ukulele

trippie hippie, poetic, like her name giuseppe

writing poetry n writing her rhymes

i had a barbie

blue eyed shawty

cannot deny it

her aura was godly

since the day that i met her

n her eyes ain’t come off me

to right before i left her

i still feel her lips all on n me

when my daddy died

i drank heavy, an aimless one

bradley, so sadly, shannon

pls pour ginger n jameson

when her daddy passed

kyle n kat on both angles

bottled her emotions

then bodied a bottle of jack daniels

either way we be litty

masking life when it’s shitty

w drugs plus some whiskey

or until our emotions

become to much to hold in

so we might write a poem

we might write a song

just something to grow from

i had a barbie

sometimes she be so savage

sometimes she be a sad bitch

most times she just needs understanding

sometimes i think she’s not meant for me

but she’s supposed to simply reflect from me

letting go of her has been hurting

but sometimes i swear we’re the same person

like we really share a soul, sometimes a mind

like her momma had her at 40, just like mine

sometimes i don’t know, but i just trust time

i lost my barbie.. i miss her sometimes

[katcarter-316]

these are my thoughts before bed..

the random shit up in my head..

seriously random.

with me, i swear no one understands me

i do and say just what i want,

and they call it outlandish

i mean just look at the president

that man would ban gay marriage

n i’m still thinkin bout the woman ima marry

still thinking bout the woman i’m becoming in this society that’s damaged

worldwide asylum

our devices they’re behind them,

where they micromanage

im a pansexual woman of colour

with red dreadlocs and hispanic

also with a dose of mental illness bipolar and manic

so getting a job is hard, mentally unstable i panic

but society can’t tell me no, if i want it i’ll have it

what they cannot see, when i see it i

just grab it

i just hope they still believe in me by the time that it happens

come on for the ride, get ur seatbelt well fastened

this is the time i been waiting for, no more of that practice

this is what i asked of the universe, and now its granted

third eye opened + 2020 vision i been elevating without a landing

pilot of my plane

still

guiding my soul n brain

at night or when it rains

is when i feel my pain

at 3:16am, nights before i lay

i pray the lord; my soul to take

anxiety to take away

i & me, we conversate

i meant conversing in these verses

like i & me aren’t 1 person

like man vs self when i am hurtin

writing when i feel uncertain

but trying to express it

writing out not repressing

internal to external expression

all these thoughts keep me awake

on cloud 16

still

driving this plane

could be driving myself insane

or flying myself to Spain

just to escape the pain

maybe runaway to Paris

maybe go do something outlandish

like have a black/hispanic gay marriage

in this society that’s damaged

these are my thoughts before bed..

the random shit up in my head..

seriously random..

[katcarter-316]

nonchalant

sometimes

i find it

so hard to

react right

i find it

so hard to

laugh

i

got so good

at masking

my sad vibes

i don’t show

emotions

my bad

i

come off like i’m

angry

or upset

sometimes

it gets too hard to

express

my facial expressions

are some what

a bit much

or vacant

i can’t hide

my pain

or my sorrow

i guess i

rather be in my bubble

where i

hold emotions

‘til i’m alone

and lash out

but to

protect mine

i do not act out

keep it all bottled

can’t react loud

cuz whenever i do

i’m the bad guy

so i grew

not to show

the outside

what’s going on

n not show the outside

what’s going wrong

with me

on the inside

sorry if i

come off

a bit nonchalant

sorry if

i been

a lil nonchalant

there’s so much

that has been

going on

constantly

battling

right & wrong

always

forgiving those

who did me wrong

often

turning sorrows

to

poems & songs

hoping

tomorrow’ll be

a brighter one

cuz i

can’t continue

being

nonchalant

i stopped

having

expectations

people

seem to

lack appreciation

understanding

and most of all patience

i’m so

tired of showing

my deepest emotions

cuz then

i’m vulnerable

and open

sometimes

it’s too much

and then i

get all closed in

sorry

if i’m just

to myself

hardly

ever open up

to someone else

partly

cuz i

have trouble asking for help

only

bc i

rather struggle by myself

i’ve had

so many emotional breakdowns

at work, the bar

think i need a smoke break now

when it’s done

i dust off, wash my face

fix my face

n smile again

so again

sorry

if i

come off as nonchalant

being strong

is what i know

what i was taught

i could cry

i could breakdown

u would’ve never thought

bc from jump

i may seem up

but deep enough

i’m still messed up

my only choice

is to come across

as nonchalant

i been thru shit

i been thru stuff

that’s made me weak

that’s made tough

so

sorry again

if i come across

as nonchalant

[katcarter-316]

why is this so painful?

why does it feel like u hate me?

why do u make me feel like i’m not enough??

why do i feel like i’m doing too much??

why u got me blocking you?

why do u make me feel like i’m stopping u?

why do i feel like i wanna crawl up and hide??

why do i want to just ball up and cry??

please tell me why??

why do i even still give a fuck?

why do i even still feel like there’s a chance for us?

after u tell me that u simply can’t with us?

why do i even have the patience for this???

after all, u act like u hate me for it ???

why do i constantly think about you?

and what you do?

who u be with ???

why do i care about where u are ??

if u r safe, if ur home or the bar ??

why can’t i sleep without hearing ur voice?

i don’t have a choice

sometimes i stay up

hearing the birds or the boys

why do u constantly push me away???

after me constantly fighting my way???

after me constantly fighting to stay???

why do u always go out of your way,

to make me feel pain???

so i walk away???

why is it that when i do walk away,

you say you will change,

but you still stay the same???

why do u take all your trauma on me?

all of your trust issues, your PTSD?

why is it u never open up to me?

there’s things i don’t know, just patterns i see

why is it so hard to just let me in??

it’s not sink or swim

i’ll always be around

i’ll never let you drown

i need you to trust me now

why can u ever be honest with me??

tell me it all, the past up ‘til now

why do u do this to me?

why r u making me crazy?

[katcarter-316]

phucket

[hook]

all my issues n my problems, i’m above it

it’s a bittersweet feeling it n i love it

bittersweet to heal n shit, but i love it

in my bag, in my feelings, but fuck it

verse 1¿

tired of

repeating shit, fuck it

tired of

deleting shit, fuck it

tired of

changing me n shit, fuck it

tired of gettin hit

w the blame n shit, fuck it

tired of the games n shit, fuck it

but i keep playin, like fuck it

tired of always changing shit, but fuck it

tired of the phases n shit, fuck it

but i just gotta face the shit, so, fuck it

tired of the grimey shit, but, fuck it

untimely shit, sucks, but fuck it

i been runnin outta fucks, like fuck it

i stopped believing in luck, bruh, fuck it

i be falling in n outta love, like fuck it

been fuckin up my life, like fuck it

great night, bad mornin, igh, fuck it

losing potential wives, like fuck it

worried bout my career, like fuck it

shit still unclear, but fuck it

but

i know the times getting near, so fuck it

[hook]

all my issues n my problems, i’m above it

it’s bittersweet feeling it n i love it

bittersweet to heal n shit n love it

in my bag, in my feelings, but fuck it

verse 2¿

staying up passed 4, like fuck it

double shot, pour more, bitch fuck it

take it straight to the head, like nothing

numb as fuck, i’m just tryna feel somethin’

matter fact, soul dead, so fuck it

been in my own head, but show nothing

nonchalant, i be hurtin, but fuck it

get my feelings hurt, lurkin, but fuck it

masked my emotions, like fuck it

chemist, mix the potions, but fuck it

the duss’ & sprite, shit (yummy)

tequila & pine’, shit, fuck it

[chorus]

all my issues n my problems, i’m above it

it’s bittersweet feeling it n i love it

bittersweet to heal n shit n love it

in my bag, in my feelings, but fuck it

verse 3¿

lil bitch tryna take my soul from me

and i let her take my shit like a dummy

now i’m tryna get it back, in a hurry

tunnel vision but the mission kinda blurry

and she being so dismissive n it’s funny

in my bag, in my feelings, but, bitch fuck it

i been very fuckin patient, but fuck it

dunno what’s the point in waitin, so fuck it

on to the next, like hov, nigga fuck it

but when love is involved

n there’s problems to solve

n u stop n recall

certain hardships n all

it’s a paradox to just run from it all

no text or no call

blocked on facebook & all

but fuck it

i tried to remain

very calm in my brain

cuz it’s mind over matter

in due time, it gets ‘better’

in the meantime, i can’t let up

in my eyes, i look fed up

so cold,

never really mattered the weather

tryna get back n get better

kinda bipolar, short temper

n it doesn’t really matter

so.....fuck it

[hook]

all my issues n my problems, i’m above it

it’s bittersweet feeling it n i love it

bittersweet to heal n shit, but i love it

in my bag, in my feelings, but fuck it

verse 4¿

but i’m alive, i’m alright, so fuck it

i got the light on my side, so fuck it

when i ride, i keep the 9, like fuck it

ok that line, i was lying, BUT FUCK IT

haha

gotta still laugh at my pain, like fuck it

tomorrow’s another day, so fuck it

i got a smile that’ll light a room, so fuck it

i get dull, might need lightroom, but fuck it

few things i could be hateful for, but fuck it

bc there’s so much more i’m grateful for, so fuck it

all the love that i’m given, i’m thankful for, and i love it

all the love that i’ve given, i’m an angel for, and they know it

in my bag, in my feelings, did y’all notice?

in my bag, in my feelings, but....fuck it

[hook]

all my issues n my problems, i’m above it

it’s bittersweet feeling it n i love it

bittersweet to heal n shit, but i love it

in my bag, in my feelings, but fuck it

[katcarter-316]

"Imagine"

Imagine that

You aint even gotta be dark skin

Just show me your heart's big

Imagine that

You ain't even gotta be the baddest bitch

You ain't even gotta have the biggest tits

Or the fattest ass n shit

Imagine it

picking a soulmate based on appearance

Is the saddest shit, i had did it

On some average shit

And i ended up sad as shit

Imagine it

I was so depressed and it was so tragic

Always out at the bar

With faith in law of attraction

Extra cautious, it happened

Tessa appeared just like magic

Life's like a court

Ball in my hands where it landed

Imagine I

aint shoot my shot

And instead i just passed it

Nah i had to have it

I gotta have it

Tessa felt it too

If we were both rebounds

At least we both grabbed it

Imagine it

Broken hearts melted into one

Like plastic shit

Imagine it

Wandering solo each night at the bar

Smoking a bogie

Hoping that someone helps me end this war

Hoping and hoping

Wishing and wishing up at the stars

Surely but slowly

I stopped wishing, wow here you are

Didnt even know me

Imagine it

I just wanted to be fixed

I felt closer to it after we kissed

Imagine it

I was so lonely

Now all i want is tessa to hold me

Imagine it

I had a girlfriend,

but still living with my ex

Shit was a whirlwind

No sleep or no sex

Not like that mattered

Cuz i was way too stressed

Imagine it

Bro sayin im losing hoes

Tessa came in n i gained a soul

Imagine me staying in

Just to watch Shrek

Not wandering at the bar

Until i figure what to do next

Imagine me missing on bro time

Just to have mo’ time

With this new person

Imagine her coming at the right time

While my heart was hurting

Imagine her being my soulmate

And I'd be w her forever, the whole way

Imagine her being on my mind the whole day

And then at night

Shes still there making sure that im okay

Imagine it

My ex the reason i have sleep paralysis

And i know reading that line

Might make you mad at this

But i had to address it, bc its the truth

Couldnt eat, sleep, or anything

Until i met you

I found my everything

I found it in you

My soul, my purpose, my drive

Everything that i do

Everything that i planned

From my events, to my rhymes

U help me become who i am

Imagine that.

[katcarter-316]

“8:45” I’m white, Kat. I’m white, I’m never gonna be black Kat Do you get that? You understand that? Do you accept that? As I’m looking in her eyes The deepest stare for clarity she’s giving me I stare back a bit longer and deeper And I lean in, and kiss her “Yes, I do” “You’re white, you’re not black, I don’t care. I understand that, I do” “You’re not as ‘creative’ or ‘into fashion’. I understand that, I do” You want cuddles at night and tickles too, I understand that too You want your feet rubbed, toes touched Kitty sucked,sex in the bath tub I fuck w that, I do You’re not anything that I’m used to, and I like it, I do I’m not used to having conversations about what I’m feeling daily But with you, I do I’m not used to having explanations about what how dealing lately But with you, I do You’re everything I’m attracted to Open minded, free sprit connection Some of the things I have with you What makes it better Is it isn’t forced, it’s all natural with you So you being “white” Isn’t at all stopping anything Same way it isn’t stopping You becoming my Everything Matter fact You eat chicken right down to the bone & you keep like 4 bottles of Hot HOT Sauce Right in your home Fuck that You know more lyrics to BIG than I ever will You think you being “white” is a factor still? The thing I’m learning about loving someone unconditionally Is for one Not putting old trauma on the new in terms of what they did to me Acceptance n understanding But more importantly Seeing an imperfect person Perfectly Seeing the flaws in them and still wanting it all with them Seeing the inside n past their faults Never misguide their soul & heart Don’t gain access to the real them And then abandon them Just build a foundation, and heal them By understanding them Just love them on the best days On the worst days Like kiss them hold them, or hug them Without foreplay Kiss from your heart Not your hormone From your soul, from inside If they’re “Home” It can’t hide The feelings between you and I So again I don’t care, at all That you’re “white” Im just happy, the happiest That I get to call you Mine ‘