ladysavoirfaire

[ladysavoirfaire]

The Return Of The Light

As I awoke this morning, the dawn was brighter, more light trickled in through the blinds and the air was a  crisp awakening rather then the bitter cold of the long dark mornings that I have gotten so used to.

My tree stands unlit for the first time since we got it, my fireplace is what brings us comfort now. 

Our home looks as if a party elf tornado swept through, unrelentingly. Small bits of red and green pepper the living room floor, scarfs, pep-ridge farms, and other small trinkets have swallowed the kitchen table, oranges have taken their refuge on the couch and wrappers of silver and gold some still full, some not are spread throughout. 

I am torn, as I feel called. The old calling, that distant voice that can only be found deep in the woods. It speaks to me, come home, come for comfort, to be renewed. 

Yet, it is here that I can sit and be. Where I can contemplate and stay warm in my slippers and pajamas that have kept me cozy all night and it is here that needs tending too and here where I can write.     

[ladysavoirfaire]

Quiet Contemplation

I have been trying my best to always write an end of the year/ new beginning blog post somewhere between December and January. As the darkness has fallen tonight, here in our last hours of Christmas, I cannot help but be deeply reflective.  I sit here, our Christmas tree glowing, the lights from the tree topper whirling in circles on the ceiling and the electric flames dancing over the plastic embers of my small heated fireplace, lost in thought. 

It has been, or at least felt like one of the longest, yet one of the shortest years of my life. I began the year off in February with a divorce after 12 years of marriage, by May I began working. This was also very new, as for those past 12 years I was a stay at home mom. 

Then, I moved. This would be my first move, completely on my own, moving my family and all our belongings into a place that we would call our very own. 

I was forced to overcome my agoraphobia and get over my fear of driving, both of which I ended up doing in a really big way. The first was I drove for almost 2 hours up to the mountains to stay with my sister in a cabin. It was the perfect one night get away and something that we had been needing to do for so long. 

The second one was flying across the state all the way to Arkansas by myself. Both of my layovers were in Denver and were around 4 hours each time. I found myself in absolute disbelief when I did land in Denver. I felt like I was in this weird in between the worlds state. 

One of the first things that I did was ride what I called the human conveyor belt, which honestly I had way to much fun riding. Then I found myself standing in front of an actually Caribou Coffee stand. So I ended up getting a coffee and rode the conveyor belt a couple more times while I rang a friend and laughed way to loud. I am sure I looked like a nut to all the passerby’s. I will have to write another post however, all about the south however, as that is a tale all it’s own. 

When I returned home however my journeys continued and I traveled all the way down to the beach, only about an hour and a half drive, same amount of time and distance as it was when I went to the mountains in the opposite direction. However, it was still something new. I made sure to stop by the goonies house while we were there. 

Now here we are, at the end of December. I put on Christmas here myself, The ham turned out amazing, the stuffing the right fluff, the pies were like candy and we had endless hot apple cider, egg nog and hot cocoa fancy enough for an elf.

Now, my father has been in the hospital and his journey this year has been a very difficult one but it was from seeing him today that put a lot in perspective for me, especially when it comes to following your passion. He is a man who had a hobby and worked a regular nine to fiver that had an idea that turned into a dream that turned into a reality. He has been living his dream life ever since. 

It makes me contemplate what I really want to do with my life. I know that I am a healer, I am an empath, I have the ability to read many forms of divination and practice reiki both in person and distance. I am seeing now as well how there are reiki practitioners in our local hospitals. I have also learned how to cleanse and bless homes and properties. So, there are many options and here I am standing on this proverbial ledge going, okay here I am. I see this vast sea of passion and option, “this is what I do want” I say to the universe. 

What keeps me standing here however is I just don’t know how to put myself out there, I don’t know how to say Yes. I do not know where to start. I must admit however as well that I have been allowing fear to hold me back. So this is my one foot forward, dangling off the edge sending that energy out there that I want this. 

Dear Universe, lets make this happen, I am ready for 2020 to be my year. 

[ladysavoirfaire]

And than, without warning that old familiar feeling returns. A wave of eternal blackness that fully consumes your entire being. At first you resist it, only to realize it is as much a part of you as your very breath.

This slide is more like a deep fall, a deep fall that somehow makes you feel as if you have returned home. On the outside, it looks like suffering and internally maybe there is some of that intertwined, but somehow the light is so much brighter and there is a comfort that you just can’t seem to know otherwise. 

To find someone, willing to not only accept you but willing to dance with you in the darkness is almost a fairy tale. 

[ladysavoirfaire]

Mind Painting

Sometimes, I wish I could reach inside of me and hold in my hand some magic object that would tell you all that you need to know. Every single thing that could never leave my lips.

A glowing sphere that emanates an ethereal glow, that stains your hands when you touch it, that spills and drips leaving a permanent mark that no matter how badly you want it removed, it stains.

Inside this sphere glows every loss, every failure. It illuminates my darkest fears and brings to light the deep innocence of my heart that I keep hidden. A child like mind set that one can only feel disappointed in oneself for having.

Confused, angry and lost. The moon knows, it glows as I glow, in everlasting dark. Maybe the stars don’t matter, maybe lightening bugs can be drained of their magic. Can you feel it? That deep calling? a calling from the void, an echo that you can never seem to escape. 

There is nothing worse then being a prisoner of your own words, choking on vowels and syllables that block your ability to speak. Leaving you in a silence where the only thing you can do is feel, have you fallen?

How will you ever rise when the earth continues to slip under your fingertips and its as if the sky can never be reached.

[ladysavoirfaire]

Dark Places

Sometimes, life is black and white and it can be easy to get lost in grey scale. I find myself haunted by my past, by what I once was, all the while knowing too what I still could be but looking at these ideas as if they are outstretched, feet from the top of a skyscraper, hovering in mid air. 

Jump it beckons, out here, whispering sweet nothings that will do nothing but cause more pain. 

A song once sung, a voice that could serenade that is now just a haunting melody on the wind. 

Words that fell so fluidly upon their pages, landing softly, effortlessly. Now locked deep within some unspoken vault. As if it is almost a curse to feel, a dark warning that if you do, not to let them out, for you know not the chaos and emptiness they can bring. 

I can walk this grey-scale path, past the out of tune guitar, lost harmonica and forgotten sketchbooks and other empty pages, that lay scattered on my past It is only I and I alone that can walk this barren and haunting path, that so cleverly pulls me back in, cloaked in a false romantic longing

I am entranced, called, locked within only able to hold my head above water for brief colorful moments until I sink within, once more. 

[ladysavoirfaire]

A hard shot of truth

Loss comes in many forms, it could be an ideal, a dream, a project, anything really. It's how we process it, or not, that matters and shapes us.

I don't process things though, not really. I have a tendency to just shut down and run away until I have come to some random place of deflection. Only to reemerge seemingly unscathed.

I am my own haunted house, filled with ghosts of all the lost things that I had once hoped would come to fruition.

This has conditioned me now, to run, to hide within. You can place a silver platter at my feet, full of rare fruits and other coveted delicacies and my eyes may light up for awhile. Long enough to foolishly reach out, wanting to take a bite, but right before my fingers touch their surface I automatically default into convincing myself that these things that lay before me, beckoning me ever closer are lies cloaked in temptation.

Being born and living in a world that gives and takes away, in such cruel fashion makes you finally contemplate giving up and choosing to no longer entertain these fancy foolish thoughts. Maybe I no longer want to try for the diamond in the rough. Maybe its just time for cynicism and a hard shot of truth.

Maybe all white dresses come with a pair of orange pants.

[ladysavoirfaire]

Perception

Sometimes things make sense, like fresh buds on a tree during a soft spring day, a blanket with a cup of coffee when it rains. But sometimes, along with comfort and the things that make sense, comes fear. This is when we just have to trust the universe and know all will be as it should. Be it a box of light or a box of darkness, all are a gift, holding many lessons.

We were not made to be pretty, we were not put here to be porcelain dolls. We were placed here to be ravenous and hungry, to fall, to get cut and to climb, to search and to strive.

Every day can be beauty-filled or not. Perception is one of our most powerful gifts, change your perception, and you change your entire world.

[ladysavoirfaire]

Changes

I never write anymore, not like I used to and not like I should. I remember how it felt, everything was a dream, an inspiration. The way the dark and rainy night felt, mystifying. The way the fog and evergreen tips would dance in the mornings, so refreshing.

I, with my mug and my fire going, or sitting in with the breeze flowing through my hair, my feet in the earth.

I have lost this part of myself. Try as I may, to write, to create, to record or paint. I no longer feel what I once would.

Maybe it is the finality of divorce, the uncertainty of the future, this time of pause and wait. A grey holding that doesn't seem to sway.

My children, how can I give to you that which I never had? How can I lift you up when I have fallen so far? Forgive me, when I forget, when I can't find the colors so abundant in our world. I can promise I will always have a soft smile for you when you need but forgive me otherwise for I know not, anymore, at least for now, what to do.

[ladysavoirfaire]

Secrets

Sometimes the hidden parts of ourselves speak so loudly, that we cannot help but to listen. What if these secret parts of you however were not meant for everyone, what if these parts were meant for the rare and dark parts of others? 

When these things come up, I tend to push everyone around me away, with the thought that there is just no way that I can be properly understood, or really, even excepted.  It leaves me feeling alone and like I am starving, ready to set the world ablaze and myself free. 

but I don’t want to be......

[ladysavoirfaire]

A Woven Soul

Sitting in a sea of endless energy, creating, destroying then starting once again. An endless dance of art. 

Early mornings; as the night begins to fade and the glow of the first rays of the sun gently kiss your skin. Sometimes you cant help but wonder how many others there are who understand this world that you live in. 

This world that belongs to you, as much as you, to it. A gentle soul that can touch the light in the leaf’s, that can taste the sweetness of the moonlight and who’s soul ebs and flows with the sea. 

When you are blessed with a woven soul, you feel so, so deeply. A depth that can create a physical ache. Feet that cannot bare to be away from the dirt, hands that long for bark and hair that begs to dance in the wind and a heart, a heart that yearns to be touched by the same fire that burns so deep within. 

How free can you be? Will you allow yourself to just flow? Realizing that you were never separate but every cell  part of the whole, that you are the very breath.

Am I speaking to your depths? Do you understand? Feel that stir within, let go, let go. That is your souls calling, allow your fire to ignite within.

[ladysavoirfaire]

There is beauty in this world, for all to see. If one chooses to walk the beauty way, flowers will naturally unfold at your feet and stars will kiss you each night.

I sit here, pictures flowing through my mind, trying to form the right sentance, to choose the correct words to convey what it is I am feeling, without it seeming like I am a mess or don't have my life together.

I am survivor, every day, proud that I have made it this far. Proud that I was able to make the decisions that I was. Finally. After so much time.

Regardless, there are still lines that tether. Every time I see him, when he leaves its as if I have a million paper cuts all over my soul, just sitting there, not understanding how this happened, over come with emotions of saddness confusion and disappointment in myself, thinking that there had to have been some way to prevent this.

But a narcissist is a clever beast, mastering the art of verbal and mental abuse.

I dream of the past, when you could settle on land and just call it your own. I would buy a train ticket for my family and I. Go far away from here and settle in a distant town or in a distant land. Somewhere that would be my own and leave no trace behind.

Dear Universe, I know you are trying to make me strong and I am. I am not breaking down, I may be crawling at the moment but I am still moving forward. I know the important work that needs to be done and even when I see no means to accomplish it, I'm never, not even for a second giving up hope. Just, please help me just a little because I would greatly appreciate feeling a little less scared.

[ladysavoirfaire]

Wolves in people clothing

Trapped inside your den far to long, so happy to have escaped. Yet there are these moments that follow me, these moments that bring you back into my life. Maybe I did not go far enough, maybe foreign lands call me for a reason, a gypsy soul needing to travel and a safety in the distance away from you. 

I can feel once again that magic long buried, stirring slowly. A rebirth out of impacted mud and cement. So long I have waited and now know that this is the perfect time to come back out into the light. 

Fear, is what holds me back. Are there more of your kind? Will I be able to recognize you when your coat is another color or perhaps your body a different shape, will I be able to recognize another wolf when they wear their human suite, perhaps but there is fear they will wear it better then you. 

[ladysavoirfaire]

It Was A Moveable Feast

I remember how it was; I was sitting there on a warm spring day - my bare feet on the concrete floor, the sun shining gently on my skin. Kissed by a cool breeze. My brush gliding along the canvas like silk.

Finishing my Van Gogh; starting my Hemingway, enveloped by the scent and smooth texture of mint on my lips.

It was almost as if, this was the very last time I was truly present in every fiber of a single moment, that beautiful stillness in time.

Closing my eyes I can taste it, almost feel it- how long it has been.

I don't know if it's the coming of spring or my surrounding circumstances but its as if I am reawakening- back to this very moment, where I left myself behind.

I miss my charcol smothered hands, the oil paint that somehow made it's way into my hair, the song of my old typewriter and the eternal afternoons spent on bottomless cups of tea and coffee. Lost in a sea of pages that were willing to take you, anywhere.

[ladysavoirfaire]

Paranormal Truths

For the longest time I have faced an internal struggle between day and night. I have spent half my life awake all hours of the night only to sleep the day after.

The night has always called to me, it's hidden mysteries, its other world. The subjects it dances with, night creatures, paranormal beings.....A viel so thin you can feel it's nearly transparent lining.

For me however the viel tends to vanish completely but instead of running I have chosen to meet it as it has met me, if not to keep pushing the envelope, until I am a very part of it.

I have been lucky to experience more then half of the otherworldly things with others, there is a validation in it. Had so many not been there, I surely would have thought myself mad.

There are gifts, that I believe we all posses if we open ourselves and allow for the information to come, to seek it out.

Recently I have been practicing remote viewing, card and picture guessing.

It's interesting how it happens. For each card pictured above, they each hold their own energy. To me, they each feel different, much like opposite magnets. Only some may be stronger the others, some may feel like a tiny breeze or cold while others tingle and almost feel hot.

Sometimes however it is a flash in your mind showing the picture on the other side, as long as it is a simple image like what is shown on the card above.

I have been blessed to know others like me and I decided to write a little post to let others know they are not alone.

Some think it a curse, to have such insight or to be able to have such feeling, to be able to know what others are feeling or perhaps what they may be thinking and honestly, sometimes I question it myself.

This however, is what makes us unique, what sets us apart and separates us from the ordinary.

If you ever questioned it before take this as your sign, there are deeper layers to this world and paranormal truths waiting to be told.

[ladysavoirfaire]

Tea & Tarot

I remember the days when I would be at my mentors house; many hours were spent over tea and tarot. Conversations about intuition and learning different forms of divination and channeling.

I have to say I miss those days with all my heart.

There is a quiet and peace during those long afternoons that make me recall it so fondly. Eventually I would like to have these afternoons once agian.

I believe one of the reasons I stay quiet or don't just come out saying hey I can read your cards or do distance healing ext. Is because there are so many individuals that do this for either attention or money and I never want to be seen as either.

I have been recently encouraged by many friends however that maybe it was time to share my gifts with the world or at least those around me.

So I suppose for a short while I will step out of my self created shadows and give it a shot.

Eventually I would love to learn to read runes and tea leaves. I would love to hear from anyone else who has learned these skills.

Who knows maybe we can spend our afternoons over coffee and runes.

[ladysavoirfaire]

Learning To Love Agian

This journey has been a long one. Finally it feels like my world is emerging into spring. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and a clear sign that says "peace ahead"

I am learning how important self care really is. It's one thing to talk about it or do it occasionally but to make it a priority is really helping to reshape my reality.

There is so much beauty and inspiration in the stillness, if we only take that time to listen. Maybe as well I am being a bit cryptic, so I will say this; being a mother and a wife is hard.

For the past ten years I allowed myself to get lost in only those roles and I experianced a complete loss of self and became very detached from the realities around me.

I am no longer putting myself on the back burner and from doing this, I am learning as well the invaluable lesson my own children are learning by just watching me.

With the winter break over, we are getting back into the swing of things as well and I am so thankful. There is a peace and stillness that has come back and graced me with its presences.

Something that I have so desperately needed as the last month of 2017 was a huge decision maker and has set the pace for my 2018.

Maybe I will share my new Tarot reading here in post form, for this years outlook once I finally get around to doing it ♡

[ladysavoirfaire]

2018 Beauty, Independence & Grace

I was rereading some of my old posts and I came across a post written at the start of 2017. It said at the end, that 2017 would be a year of changes and creativity.

I am happy to say this was the case. I made the big decision to place my children in school instead of homeschooling. This transition has actually been a beautiful one and I am excited for my youngest to enter into Kinder at the end of the year.

The next big step I took was the co creation and dedication with our podcast. We changed the name, how we presented our show and how we were aiming to turn it into a business. This is still a work in progress but one where we have clear vision and much excitement for in the year ahead.

I also decided that I would go back to school, my course choice? Herbalism. I would love to create a business where, those interested can purchase powdered mixtures, tinctures, handmade jewelry as well as services such as reiki, tarot, the reading of tea leaves and more.

This will take some time as I will wait to enter school when all my children are attending as well. In the mean time I have also decided to seek outside employment.

Honestly, I was hoping to look into all local barns and stables and even the race track as I have always found so much love and inspiration in these locations.

The last choice I made which has been yielding huge results it to finally face the difficult choices that I had been avoiding for far to long and learn how to love myself once more. This relationship journey with myself has been a beautiful unfolding and I know that 2018, especially according the horoscope will be filled with compassion, beauty, grace and independence ♡