letters-to-a-listener

[letters-to-a-listener]

4.Jan. 2021 | 01:45 AM

I am unconditionally happy right now. Maybe it'll be gone soon, but that doesn't matter. No reason. Just happy.

[letters-to-a-listener]

25. Dec | 01:22 - 01:27

I just looked back at some of my older letters and now I feel sick. So many things are just so different now and I'm not sure how to feel about most of them. I should appreciate all the changes since change usually means development but I most definitely don't. If anyone reads this and feels like they could help someone get things sorted out a bit, please help me. Or don't, I'm not sure if I can accept help yet

[letters-to-a-listener]

25. Dec 2020 | 01:18

Im overthinking so bad right now and have no-one to talk to since its Christmas and I dont want to bother anyone.

I feel so selfish to talk like that but the presents we all got seem so unfair. Its like the whole family forgets that me and my brother exist. And even among us there are differences. I hate Christmas.

We all got a lot of money and I hate that too... its so neutral. Nothing personal. I miss writing a wishlist to santa and being excited for presents. Now its just this empty, forced gesture. Absolutely unnecessary. If our whole family feels like they don't know us well enough to put some thought into a personal present, they could just leave it.

The other thing is that one of my two best because long time only friends got really drunk today and while she was the sweetest and insisted on loving us and all she later called me the friend of her best friend, so apparently the other one is the best friend. I shouldn't be mad or anything, but it still hit me so bad. I dont think I've ever been someone's best friend and they were both the closest I've ever had to that. Sucks to be me. Haha. Fuck

Oh and my dad hit my sister. Not bad at all, just a light pat with a spoon on her but, he really didn't mean for it to hurt but it did. She started crying and left the room and it breaks my heart to have seen both of them with this shattered look. I feel like she's over it again, she's still a child and was insanely tired and on edge so that was just the little drop that made all the exhaustion from being so excited for Christmas spill over and create this disaster. But my dad seemed so deeply hurt from her backing off. I feel so bad for basically defending him but I love him so much and I feel like I'm the only one here who defends him. He is a good person, who got hurt and lost a lot of himself.

My mom is home alone. On Christmas . Taking care of MY dog because it was too much for me. I feel so guilty eventhough she said we didn't have to. I cant stay at my dads house. Id love to stay for him and my sister, but im just so tired.

Ive been waiting for this moment, where everything shatters inside of me, leading into another low. There's always at least one of those in winter. I don't expect it to come in the moment I feel most alone and fragile. But I guess it makes sense....

I really want to go back home tomorrow but my dad will be so hurt. I hate doing stuff that doesn't feel good just to avoid hurting others. I haven't had therapy in way too long.

[letters-to-a-listener]

09. Sep. | 00:11 - 00:22

Hey, thanks for checking in, I'm ☄still a piece of garbage☄

And as usual I forgot about this blog while doing fine, so guess what the meaning behind me being back is! :D

I wasn't sure if I should write this letter, since I really should be sleeping, but there are too many thoughts in my head.

And mice in our roof, scratching the walls right above my head.... I definitely won't sleep well tonight.

The main reason why I should sleep is because I started school again. It's the third day tomorrow and I'm already done with everything...

It's drowning all of my energy, I can't do shit but the difference to last year is me having a dog now. He's with me for almost three months and I got used to being more active, so doing nothing (BECAUSE I CAN'T) feels gross. Straight up gross. Thinking about it (and the mice) makes me want to throw up.

In addition to me feeling shitty I also might have a job again. On Thursday I'll talk to the boss, but I'll probably need to turn the offer down beause I know it would make me sick to be even more stressed. Even though I would love to make some independent money.

And that's it for today, more tomorrow, if I stay here any longer I will throw up. Literally. I'm scared the mice will fall on my head. Nice :')

[letters-to-a-listener]

06. June | 22:36 - 23:16

Aaaaand I’m back...

Good Evening, Dear Readers.

I didnt actually work that long on this letter, i just had to change some laptop settings for this letter, so idk, ill just include the time i took for that.

i just looked back on my old letters and a wave of melancoly or somethin hit me... i feel like ive lost so many people on the way. i dont want to call them friends, because looking back they never were what i would consider friends now, but they were still very dear to me and i miss concidering them my friends. cause back then i did.

from this writing group only one person stayed with me, ive never mentioned her before on this blog. ill refer to her as SU. and aparrently S is a pretty good name letter, because SA and SO are still with me as well. but theyll graduate in about a month and move away, so well see, how long.

shit feels weird rn.

the world is so cruel currently and eventhough there is hope in the protests in america for example, it still feels like a fight against windmills. a fight with the right reasons and a fight with kindness and love and the wish for fairness and equallitz and justice, but a fight against so manz people, with so much power and influence and monez. and monez rules the world...

i know i can help the movement from europe, but i still feel extremely helpless. i can sign petitions, i can donate, i can post online and speak offline, but i still feel useless. 

mz mind is swirling, i want to write so much at once, without really knowing what and how and it just doesnt feel right. i guess its as easy as that. it doesnt feel right. 

today is saturday. i felt good, purely or mainly good on two days this week so far. and idk, but that feels like waaaaaaayyyyyyy too little. to all my “friends” i promote, preach living to make yourself and others happy, to be satisfied with yourself and to love yourself, but i know its all just empty words. im not happy, im not satisfied with myself, i feel so ugly, so often and i surely dont love myself.

it feels gross to write these words, since i know i should be feeling differently, and i want to feel differently so bad, but its the truth i guess. 

i feel gross.

maybe ill try to get into witchcraft, ive always been interested in stuff like that and it helps so many people, maybe itll help me as well. 

and ill try to remember to post more often on here, its better to get all those shitty thought out of your head. can only reccomend that.

ill probably write some of it on a piece of paper and burn it, ive done it befor and it felt freeing. 

positive quickie: all my plants are alive!

drink enough water, reader! i dont and its not good, zou probablz dont either. 

DRINK MORE WATER!!! 

thoughts and love go out to all the protesters and fighters for justice, stay safe!

#BLM #NoJusticeNoPeace

https://youtu.be/bCgLa25fDHM

[letters-to-a-listener]

06. June | 22:08 - 22:27

hello hello hello hello, it’s a m*fckng pleassure.

Maybe you can tell, ive been waaaay too often on tiktok lately. my fyp is witchy, alternative, most definitely not straight and i absolutely love it that way.

All in all ive been doing alright i guess. ive had some Pretty bad Panic attacks, some Pretty good days, something still feels off, but Maybe thats normal. 

im seeing another therapist now. sche says we should Focus on working on stuff About my Family, mainly my Father, and im almost certain, that i Need to do that, to fully heal, but im so fucking scared. the more i Think About my Father and my relationship to him, the more i feel like i have to cut him off way stricter than i currently do. it hurts so bad to become Aware of that, because i love him and my half sister and her mother, but my own Health Needs to be first, Right? 

i would love to just move out and get away from here, so i can sort Things out without the subject of the mess being only a couple minutes drive away, but now ive got a puppy to take care of and i still Need to finish School next year...

the puppy is a whole différent Topic. i absolutely love him. it is extremely hard to teach him and sometimes i already feel like giving up, but then he crawls onto my lap and falls asleep and everything About him biting me and my stuff is forgotten.

the only Thing that stays is my doubts, manly concerning myself and my qualities. our Prior dog was amazing. she listened Pretty much Always, was Kind and soft and lovely. im scared i will fail him and mess him up… everyone (mainly  my mom) is reassuring me, that im doing everything Right and even if i made mistakes, one mistake doesnt destroy everything, but im just so used to putting myself down, that its hard to belive it. 

at least im not alone anymore. haha... fuck

bye

[letters-to-a-listener]

02. Feb. | 22:46 - 23:32

Whaddup y'all

Quick summary of my current life: I left the group surrounding the LA Drama stuff (look at my last post if confused), I'm an adult now and got a lot of money for my birthday, I'll start working in a few days and will be traveling this year for sure. So far so good. I'm back in a group with LA, it's not healthy for me, I'll leave soon. And I'm crushing hard. Which is why I'm writing again.

To be honest, I was very scared, I am very scared to write this because I feel like it makes it more real. I kinda hope it isn't.

This time I'm going to say names (one name) because his name is Sebastian and it seems like I have a thing for Sebastians. And Jakobs. The biggest crushes I've had were on Jakobs and Sebastians. But not the main point. Back to this specific Sebastian.

Really important note in-between: I do shooting for sport, no moving or even alive targets, in closed areas with high safety standards. Please don't think I'm some fun weaving idiot

I've met him the first time a while ago. Probably over a year, maybe two. He was and still is very attractive, could be a little bit taller but that's alright. I met him at the shooting range in our village, my father takes me there quite often, and he let us use his guns every now and then. Ive never talked to him on a personal level, it was and still is always about the sport.

Now in January I turned 18, meaning I am now legally allowed to use bigger guns and so my father took me to another range to try some. Sebastian (S from now on, its shorter and easier to write) kind of organised it, he got us the guns, everything. I don't mean to brag but I'm good at shooting. Maybe better than most, at least good enough to impress him and his friends who lend us the guns. And all of them were either at the army, or at the police, so they all know how to shoot. It was great to see all of them and especially him that impressed.

This weekend my father had a competition in our home club, I trained parallel to them to get used to the situation, having the goal in mind, to participate in a competition one day as well. Later S came with a friend of his, it wasn't planned though. I thought my father had brought both of his guns, so I could train afterwards with the bigger one, but he didn't and that's where the real "problem" starts.

Sebastian offered me to use his stuff. Of course I agreed, I want to get better, so I have to train. The next half hour or so hr showed me different guns, helped me with my posture and aim, was very, very close to me. Looking back at it I'm freaking out a bit.

Ammunition for large caliber guns is expensive. He just gifted it to me. Just said it was a present. I died internally. Extremely insecure about how to react I thanked him quite a few times, then left. I was almost outside, I saw his friend side-hug him, the weird way guys sometimes do it, this proud, exited but also teasing way. And I THINK I heard him (the friend) say something like dream woman. I THINK. And I have to GET IT OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD!!!!

In general it wouldn't be a problem. I'm an adult, he's an adult, in theory no problem. But I dont know how old he is. When I first met him, he was clean shaved, he looked very young, now he has a light beard and looks much older. Not old old, but old enough to maybe be too old for an 18-yeqr-old. But he also may be quite young!

And I have this awful memory of someone wearing a marriage ring but I don't remember clearly who exactly it was. I don't think I've seen him wear one, but I'm not sure. It might have been him but he just took the ring off, when doing something, for what you need precise finger movements? Or it wasn't him and he's young and everything's fine???

Of course I've tried finding him online to see, if I can find his age or his relationship status, but he seems to not exist... No Facebook, no Instagram, no Google results, nothing. Maybe it's good I didn't find him, maybe is bad. I still don't know anything detailed about him, hope something shatters the hopes I am trying to push far far away. And please, make it happen soon...

Feeling better, having that written down. Felt cute relieving, might delete later <3

Hope you have an even better time than me!

Yours sincerely

Ace. (That's me)

p.s.: lonely shout-out to my only follower, hope I didn't lose you with this one-sided crush drama, thanks for maybe caring a bit !

May your sleep be deep and refreshing, your day be light and exciting! Drink enough, get some sun onto your skin and into your heart 🌻💛🌻💛🌻

[letters-to-a-listener]

29. Dec. | 17:25 - 18:30

Dear listener,

It's a low again! Yeah!!!

A few weeks ago I dropped out of school and it felt so amazing! I was constantly smiling, as happy as I haven't been in a while. But a few days ago I was starting to feel the low again. When paying a bit attention to my mind and psyche I usually can feel them coming, but I've never felt it so strong.

I'm used to those lows. That's not the problem, definitely not. The problem was me, hoping again. You need to know, I gave up on hoping to feel better soon. And then I did. And now the low feels darker than many times before. It's not the deepest one, it's quite shallow, but it feels so horribly grey and lonely.

When I was attending school I was forced to see and meet people. I hated it but I had to go. Now I am not and I'm feeling more and more lonely. There are people I could talk to but I'm not brave enough to do so.

The people I could talk to and why I can't:

1. LA: When I first got to know LA, LA was a girl. I think she didn't know in how many dark places I was over the short amount of time we knew each other. She complimented me for being a nice, friendly and helpful person. Something I have only started to hear over the past two years or so, it felt damn good. Then she met this dude (nice but not the type of personality I adore), they confessed their feelings towards eachother and messed a lot up. Not with each other, with the people in our writing group. (I met them by writing RPG btw) The group broke apart. Yay... LA is a boy now and still in a relationship with thE dUdE. He's still an amazing person, I still love him (friendship love, I think) and he continued helping me. I offer my help every now and then but he ignores the offers or declines them friendly. Now, the reason I can't talk to him: I feel horribly selfish and toxic. I feel like I'm using him and fear that people think I'm an attention hoe. I feel like it would benefit my health to stop this RPG and delete the app, pull the break for at least a few days, but I don't want to loose him and it already feels like he's slipping away. I hate it but feel paralysed. Like I can't move without breaking something.

•

2. D: D was a person from this writing group. She's bi, I'd say about 7 years older than me and probably had a really difficult past. She never told me but others say she has severe mental problems.

D was always incredibly sweet to me. Sweeter than anyone before. She told me she had a little crush on her and when I JOKINGLY asked her if it really was just a little one, she told me it was more than she could tell me. (I'm still underage, which makes this statement really weird, looking back to it.) I think I had an emotional crush on her. Maybe an emotional addiction. For a while I probably would've done everything for her and told her pretty much my whole life story, including my mental problems. Then she mentioned, in some context that made sense but I forgot, her political opinion. She wasn't right winged, no nazi bullshit, but conservative. And she liked and supported a conservative party with right tendencies. It made things extremely weird. Political opinions aren't everything, but my opinion disagreed too much with her opinion, to be something irrelevant. The drama that broke apart the group mentioned in 1 started, she was kicked out of the group, contact faded out. A few text, not much. Then - I don't remember why exactly - I was trying to read again her messages, the ones in which she told me she liked me more than a lot. They were all gone. I shattered. I talked a lot to L in that time, he's still pissed at D because of that. I'm quite sure she'd reply, if I'd text her. She'd probably help me. But I'm scared to become addicted to her toxicity. I'm tempted to call her. Or text her, I'm not sure if I saved her number. Especially since I feel horribly ugly currently and I think I'm pretty to her.

•

3. SO: SO was my classmate. She is an amazing person, helped me with many hard decisions and knows how I feel since she battles quite similar mental problems. Or at least I think so, she hasn't told me everything though. I probably could tell her, but I feel bad to only reach out to her, to ask her for help. I don't want to use her.

•

4. LI & M: Two old friends, were my classmates a few years ago. I'm sure they'd love to help me, if they knew I needed help. But they don't know help-needing-me. They know me, trying to hide all my problems and I'm not ready to show them how many I have. I'm not sure, if they'd understand. And I'm scared to scar and destroy one of the few friendship in which I don't have mental problems.

•

5. SA: SA is from the same class SO is. She'd understand me and probably would help me. Her big sister drowned while she was inside for a few minutes. I feel gross fussing over my problems to somebody with a past that horrible.

I know it's alright to get help. But it's so hard when everyone has problems as well, problems that seem bigger, more important, older. It's hard to break out of your old patterns. I try so hard.

Maybe I should call one of those anonymous hotlines. But there are people with calls more urgent and I'm scared to tell everything to a person I don't know. And I don't really know what to tell!

I'll write more letters to you in the future. Clearing my mind is calming. Expect long, probably confusing, weird letters. Hopefully some happy, positive ones, I'm not always a downer.

I hope I don't text D.

[letters-to-a-listener]

14. Oct. | 21:33 - 21:47

Evening, dear reader.

I can't listen anymore. It's just unbearable. We were planning a meet-up on discord and I just had to leave not only the voice chat, I had to leave completely. And sure, I was a bit anxious about this meet-up all along but now? I feel so extremely miserable only thinking about going there! I wasn't even able to help planning because listening to sounds was so horrifying, being there, with all the people will be torturing! I'm so anxious and scared an I guess depressed.

I also don't want to go to school tomorrow. The street next to our house isn't loud but even this is enough to make me wanna burry my head. This weird little noise some chargers make is enough to make me crazy, how am I supposed to sit in school and listen tomorrow!?

Usually I don't do new year's resolutions. Never. But this year I wanted to try to stop doing things that make me feel bad. And here I am.

Thinking every evening "I hate school, I don't want to go there ever again". Thinking "I'd rather die than have to go to school another year". And feeling so miserable!

I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY!

at least a little bit! Is it too much to ask for? A little happiness? A week without completely breaking down? Without having to hold back the tears? Is it really to much?

I hate my life currently. And myself. And I don't even want to hate.

I won't give up, but sometimes (right now) I feel like I have to. Like giving up is the only way I can get through my life without breaking apart.

Fuck.

[letters-to-a-listener]

07. Oct. | 23:32 -23:50

Good Night Listener.

I'm feeling horrible. I don't know why. I shouldn't feel that way, everything is okay. Maybe not good but definitely not bad enough to make me feel the way I feel. I want to tell a person I really like about the way I feel right now, about how weirdly miserable I am, but I'm scared to do so. She says she doesn't mind, but I'm scared I open up too much. The fear just adds another bad feeling to all the other ones.

I don't want to feel that way.

Everything sucks. Probably not, definitely not, but it feels like it does. I don't want to go to school, I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to hear anything. Even this tiny noise coming from my clock makes me crazy. Still don't want to shut it down, I'm not sure,.if complete silence would be any better.

I don't want to cry. Crying should help but it doesn't. Just makes my eyes sting. I shouldn't be that weak, I have a beautiful life with great people in it. So many people have real troubles, real problems and here I sit, almost crying, and not even knowing why! I hate it. Sometimes I hate life. I'm not sure if sometimes is right now. Maybe. I love some people in my life though. I don't want to die, I'd feel to bad for them. And life sure does go on, right? Now we just have to hope for it to get better. I'm scared of the future. Climate change is real, I don't want to live on a destroyed planet. And I don't know what to study. But I have to study, otherwise school would've been for nothing. The worse twelve years of my life can't be for nothing, I have too study.

My eyes are sore, I shouldn't be that much on my phone. And I need to wear my glasses. But being on the phone makes it easier not to think about all the shit going on - in the world and inside of me. Why am I that broken and why does no one notice? I just want to be seen the way I am. But no one notices. I hate it.

I don't want to sleep, I don't want it to be tomorrow. Not another day. I hate it.

I just want to stay in this weird state of mind in the middle of the night when everything pauses. I probably can't, probably shouldn't, but I'd love to. Maybe with a few others, not completely alone. I could try drugs. Probably makes everything worse. And I don't want to start drinking on my own. So just me and my mind. Hate it.

I hope I'll write about something nice one day. Purely nice, without even a hint of being depressed, or whatever you want to call the emotional state I'm in right now. Just peace and happiness. I'd love that. We'll see.

We'll see.

Good Night Listener.