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[lifewithborderline]

Do you ever just feel so alone and empty that you just wanna die so at least someone might care? Probably not. Im just crazy and depressed. I wish someone could care for me. I wish someone would be willing to take the time to love every piece of me. I wish someone would make me feel wanted.

[lifewithborderline]

Trigger warning

Life never fails to throw things in my path when life is going well. My mental health has been up and down and my relationship with my gf has been up and down but more up lately as ive felt more connected and open with her. My relationship with my little sister has been a bit strained as i did not want to be around her jerk of a boyfriend and her girlfriend. But they broke up with her and needed my support so i had her over and we had a great open conversation. She opened up about a flashback she had and had questions about. She said she was about 5 and she was under the table with no clothes on and just me and my dad were home with her, mom came home early and me and dad came out from somewhere else in the house. We talked about how i have very few memories with my dad but i remember that day. I remember before mom left she put a phone in the bathroom bottom drawer and told me if something happened i should call and she would come home. Well i have no memory of what happened until mom came home early and dad freaked out. I know i called her but i do t remember why or what i said to her. I remember being scared. But being scared wasnt a new feeling when i was with me dad. I dont know why i was scared of him either. I have so many memories of going out with my dad but dont remember what happened when i got in the car. Only one memory i have was being pulled over by a cop because we didnt have seat belts on. My dad told me not to tell mom and if i did i would be in trouble and it was my fault that we got caught. So when my mom got something in the mail about the ticket she asked me and told me it was dads fault for not being responsible and i should have told her. Anyway, my sister bringing up this memory led to an immediate migraine. After she left i started crying, part from the pain in my head and part i didnt know why. I ended up having a panic attack but thankfully my partner was able to help get it under control fairly quickly. Many people have told me that i seem to act like i was abused as a kid and i never believed them. But now im not sure. Did i block memories because i was and couldnt handle it? Theres not much information on repressed memories or anything like that that ive been able to find. But looking up things that kids do when they have been abused sexually it was like describing me to a T. I dont know how to process something that only my body remembers and i dont know if i want to know what happened. It brings so many questions up and so much frustration. Nothing gives me answers. Mom doesnt remember, she has had brain surgery and lost a lot of her memories and she probably blocked some too if it was that bad. My little sister has blanks too. My older sisters dont know or wont say anything. And i dont talk to my dad anymore and dont really want to. I had a few really rough mental days but now i just dont know where to go from here. I havent seen my counselor in a while and am waiting for my appt to come up. I feel so lost, and depressed over something i dont know really happened. Its frustrating that i dont want to be at work, i just wanna crawl into bed and stay there. I cant seem to sleep. When i do sleep its that awful surface sleep that i can head everything happening around me and when i wake up it feels like i havent slept. Now it doesn't help that im getting sick.

Sorry that this probably is long, boring and doesnt make sense. But that how my brain is now.

[lifewithborderline]

Im not ok. My girlfriend broke up with me and ive been a mess. I have been not sleeping well and barely eating and doing nothing but working. I am having the hardest time being ok at work. I asked work if i could take a few mental health days because i was at a breaking point. But they wouldn't let me since we are extremely short staffed. I hate taking days off so i will work through everything. So when i do ask for time off or call in sick its gotta be serious and it was. I was struggling with suicide ideation so much and it was looking more and more inviting to not be a part of this world anymore. The only way i got through those 2 last days of work were knowing id see my counselor that Friday after work. My counselor is the best one ive ever had. She doesnt even have to have me answer her question fully or say anything directly, she just knows what i mean and what i feel. She knows how to help me validate my feelings and not feel worthless. Thanks to her and some alcohol i spent the weekend ok. Now im falling again. I just dont know how to stay up. Everything hurts.

[lifewithborderline]

Drive-in restaurants and movie theaters need make a comeback. Im tired of everything being shut down.

[lifewithborderline]

Last night i was folding laundry when i got a text from my mom telling me a 17 yr old girl in my hometown had passed from covid. I couldn't believe it. When we first moved to the small town we lived next door to this family, I babysat this girl many times. Now I visit her grandmother everyday. Today i dreaded the visit with the grandma because i knew she would be grieving and i knew it would break my heart. This lovely grandma told me how it all happened and how the parents of the girl were not able to go to the hospital with her since they were in quarantine. The hospital call the parents and said to get down here now and they were able to say goodbye. I cant imagine how awful it is for those parents and for that while family. Just a week before there was a big debate in my town about mask wearing and how most people just dont follow the guidelines. There were lots of people saying how covid is just the flu and that the government just wants control. I hope those people feel like shit after finding out this poor girl passed. Just because you havent seen the effects of covid personally does not mean its not real. I am sick of people who think they know better than people who devote their lives to studying something. I personally do everything in my power to make everyone around me safe, i wish others would care as much as i do.

[lifewithborderline]

can we talk about how fucking exhausting it is constantly trying to distract yourself from your own mind? not being able to have any real time to relax yourself because you’re so terrified of your own head is so mentally and physically draining and if it’s something you’re going through i’m so sorry and i love you. this is a very real and common side effect of depression/anxiety/other mental health issues and more people need to talk about it.

[lifewithborderline]

When I was fourteen, a mental health specialist told me that if I was older, she would diagnose me with BPD. I told my parents, and they told me she didn't know how to do her job, "you can't have that", so on. I'm ashamed to say it, but I believed them. Fast forward three years, and I looked up the symptoms more out of idle curiousity than anything else, and almost all of them fit. That was a bit of a ramble, so I'm going to get to the point: do you have any advice?

Hello,

Some people don't believe someone could have this because of how BPD is portrayed. We are made to sound manipulative, and crazy. In all honesty its hard to have people reject things because they know so little about it. I hope that doing your research didn't frighten you or that you didn't find the sites that make it sound awful. When I first learned that I had BPD I found websites that made me scared to get close to anyone and made it sound like everyone, even therapists, would reject me. I thankfully had a great doctor that explained that I could live a normal life but that id just feel things deeper than others. It calmed me. My advice to you is to find a support system that will encourage you. Read materials that dont put you down. Be open and educate the people in your life about the disorder. They need to know its not a horrible life sentence. With help of Dbt and/or meds most become stable. Everyone is different though. I used meds for a bit but im better without them. DBT was a life saver for me. Please learn what you can so you can teach others. Thats the advice I have at the moment. Im sorry if that doesn't help. Im always open to messages if you need anything.

[lifewithborderline]

I guess I'd like to know if you have any advice on how to get over people who clearly don't want you in their lives? Like a lot of the time I'm okay, but then I feel the urge to come back, probably because I have literally nobody (I'm very wary of people and as such not good at meeting new people, and the ones I meet I always drive away a few months down the line anyway) and that can be lonely, but it's clear that they wanted me to leave and have no interest in ever seeing my face or hearing anything I say ever again. All they had to say was "You'll crawl back anyway 🙄". Like they don't want me, they hate me at best and feel completely indifferent towards me at worst, they never reached out to me, didn't check on me, they surely wanted to leave me anyway. But some part of me is like "What if you're a dumb bitch and just misinterpreting everything?" and like I know that that part is wrong and just saying shit because it's lonely and wants to annoy these people again even though that'd be selfish because they don't want me there. Plus even if it weren't selfish, I'm in the second to last year of school which means that in a year they'll leave me anyway and never talk to me again and if I got back with these people now it'd hurt me in a year again.

Also I feel like maybe it's important to say that a lot of these fallouts I have with people aren't directly related to BPD (I mean, some are, but not all) but instead to a trigger. I mean, I don't know if I should call it a trigger since technically I don't have diagnosed PTSD or CPTSD, but they're just things that make me remember traumatic memories that affect me a lot to this day and that shaped me as a person, and when I hear the phrase that makes me relive those things I usually get all anxious and my heart starts beating faster and I get hot flushes and I feel like I need to run away, like I need to run away from everything and everyone close to that phrase or it will happen again, like the situation will literally be recreated in real time by these people sooner or later, so I need to run away before it happens, I need to run because I'd rather die than go through all that again. So to others I suppose it looks like I freak out, start crying, either get really angry or look absent and start saying some wild shit (to me the things make complete sense because they're directly related to the things I went through, but I think that it may sound off-topic or nonsensical to others) and then it devolves into me apologising for no reason (my default response to someone doing something to me or blaming me for something is to apologise. In my life I've just learned that that's the best course of action to minimise the harm, along with just being quiet and taking everything), and then I just leave. Usually I don't show myself there / around the people ever again if those people and the place aren't something I have to be around. If it's like, family or school, I usually don't show up for a few months, often I just tell my doc that I feel totally like shit and suicidal and she sends me to a psych ward for like 3 months. I never really told anyone any of that because it's embarrassing. People already think that I'm a lunatic r*tard for having ADHD (not making this up. A part of my family literally thinks that I should be locked away specifically for that, and when I told some of my peers that I have ADHD, they literally said "You're a r*tard ? But you don't look like one! I thought you were smart!"), I don't need people laughing at me because I have some memories that probably wouldn't make others feel the way I do.

I am so sorry that there are cruel people in the world. I could rant about how they are the very thing they are calling you but ill save my breath. First I'd like to point out that you do not need to be diagnosed with PTSD or CPTSD to have triggers. Trauma affects us. Our minds are sensitive and take a long time to heal. It sounds like your trauma leads you to have panic attacks. I used to have that happen to me a lot, its lessened out now so I have maybe one or two a year.

I understand what you mean when you say that the person seems like they don't want you in their life, I've had people do that to me. But in all honesty, its so much better that they aren't in my life. I went through ups and downs when I left/they pushed me away. And I wanted to come crawling back to them. They knew I would and they wanted that because my person was a manipulative b*#$%. I know your person might not be the same as mine but if they don't wanna be in your life then they don't deserve to have you. You are amazing. And no one should be able to take that away from you or make you feel less.

I know its lonely not having friends. I suck at making friends. When I moved across the country for this person and for school I had no one. The person treated me like dirt. And I had no friends. Then I moved home and was excited to have my old friends again. Only to see they didn't care anymore. They had made other friends and wanted nothing to do with me. So I get it. But keep trying to make friends. My biggest thing for me is to be open with people about my mental health from the start. That way you see who stays a lot quicker in than if you were to not say anything till you felt attached. It still hurts to see people leave after you tell them but it hurts less. I know there are lots of jerks in this world but there are a few golden people left.

Now to answer your question of how to get over someone who doesn't want you. It is hard. It won't be easy to clear the hurt but its possible. Talking about to someone and explaining all the emotions helps. But when you don't have anyone who will listen or don't have a therapist then writing out everything is the best option. Write a letter to the person and vent everything you feel. Then you can send it or burn it. I did that a few times, and I burnt the letters. Other ways are providing yourself with some self care. Find something that helps you think clearly and calms you. For me its sitting next to the river near my home or sitting in a hot shower for an hour. It can be anything you find helps as long as its healthy.

I dont know if I answered your question or not but basically it will take time but small things will ease the pain. Don't bottle feelings and be willing to forgive. Forgiveness takes time, im still working on it after 1.5 years. But it will happen.

Thanks for asking and if I can help in anyway im just a message away. ❤

[lifewithborderline]

Hello! I am new to this blog, it was recommended to me by a trauma advice blog, and I wanted to ask if this is mostly your personal blog or if people can also asks questions about BPD. I couldn't find any BPD advice blogs on my own so I'm just hoping that the advice blog actually recommended me advice blogs

Hello, welcome to my blog! My blog is sort of both. I answer questions people have about BPD or mental illnesses and at the same time I share my experiences with living with BPD. I'd be more than happy to answer any questions you have. I speak from my own experiences mostly but I have gone to university for psychology, so I do have some understanding in that field. I do not claim to be an expert at all. So I apologize if that is what you are looking for. Feel free to message me or ask another question.

[lifewithborderline]

[lifewithborderline]

My friend who i have been friends with for 14 years decided I am not good enough or righteous enough or something like that, to be in her life. I trusted her. We had talked about the LGBTQ community before and she said she felt so much more love fore them since her mission and so I figured she'd be the most accepting of me. Thats why she's the first one I told. I then gave her space to come to terms with it. Yesterday she texted me saying she can't accept me and that she wants to surround herself with people that help her reach her goals. How can I not help her reach her goals? I can still support her in the church and its not like im a different person. It hurts to see that she is this shallow. I am upset and even more scared to come out to my family now. I had a hard time replying to her messages because I didn't want to get mad and be the one who says goodbye. She wants to push me away because I like girls then she can feel guilty for walking away from our 14 year friendship. Its so frustrating that she is so shallow. I never would have thought that she was like that. Oh well i guess I just need to start my life over and get new friends.

[lifewithborderline]

My life has taken the biggest turn and I didnt see it coming. I grew up mormon and served a mission and was always a goodish girl. The only thing I did that was against church teachings was watch pornography and masterbate. I was fine where I was at until I realized I didnt just like boys. I was in love with my bestfriend and I knew I had to not focus on it and just be good. Then that's whole situation happened when I turned 25. I played not only with a married guy but 2 other guys. I was obsessed with being wanted or needed. I just wanted to be loved. Kissing those boys was gross and I couldn't figure out why so I just assumed I happened upon 3 terrible kissers. I went about my life for almost a year being good. And then I started to see how unhappy I was all the time. I hated myself and I thought maybe finding a guy would help. So on a stupid app I went again. This app made me more upset and I hated myself even more. Then I tried the dating app called mutual. I have never had my self esteem crushed so hard. I got like one match. So school ended and I suddenly had all this free time after work. So I got tinder. Spent a few days matching with guys and then just out of curiosity I started matching with girls. I didnt think I'd actually meet anyone. But I did. I met this girl and we talked for a few days and then she came over. She kissed me and it was like nothing I've ever felt before. It was like all the confusion and anger in me melted away. I was shocked though that I liked it so much. I saw her the next day too and decided I did like girls a ton more than I thought. I had a decision to make. Do I let myself be happy and continue to see this girl or do I accept I am a lesbian but bury it away and continue to be part of the church?

Anyone have any opinions? I'd love to hear all no matter what you think.

[lifewithborderline]

[lifewithborderline]

It's refreshing to see someone with BPD posting about Positive stuff. Very happy to have found your blog! :)

Thank you very much. I try hard to keep life positive and not to bring others down. We all need hope in our lives.

[lifewithborderline]

I feel like this is something I need to remember. I just usually get mad and hold a grudge or just lay on my bed and cry. I know my mental health has improved so much but now it needs to be focused on.

[lifewithborderline]

Therapy helped me so much. But it wasnt always like that. I had to go through so many different therapists to find one I connected with and felt comfortable sharing how I felt. Please dont give up if you dont click with your current therapist. Keep trying till you find the one that will make you feel like you can open up to.

[lifewithborderline]