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If you fight, it can get better

If the readership of my blog was much larger, I would still be happy to discuss my experiences in an open and honest manner. I have received positive feedback from having done so in the past (see, for example, my ‘honest CV’ blog post) and I hope it has been helpful to others.

I won’t exaggerate and say that in the last six months my life has been ‘turned upside down’ - because fortunately, I did not suffer from any tragedy, homelessness, financial ruin or other disaster.

But my life is much, much better in pretty much all aspects and I am far happier now than I was six months ago. That is, my work life, my home life, my personal life, social life and health and wellbeing have all improved.

Six months ago, I suffered problems that probably happen to most young adults at some stage. I was looking for work and in a dead-end non-graduate job. I didn’t like the city I lived in. I was recently heartbroken. I hardly ever saw friends because I worked during the evenings and weekends. I was tired, stressed and miserable all at once from a combination of all of these.

I got out of every one of those situations because I fought against them, and I listened to my gut feeling of ‘you need to get out of this mess and look after yourself’. Here’s how I did each one of them.

Work life

When you’ve done what feels like (or maybe even is) the hundredth application for a job that deep down, you’re not sure you even want, or is in the wrong location for you, you need to take a step back. It can be so easy to get trapped in this circle because it feels productive, and it becomes more demotivating with each rejection you receive. Ask yourself:

·        Is this application for something I would honestly find interesting, or is it simply for the sake of being a graduate job/earning money/filling up some time? If any of the latter, don’t waste your time.

·        Would this job be in a location I’m not comfortable with? If yes, don’t waste your time.

·        Would this job cause me to make serious sacrifices to the rest of my life (e.g. it’s a long commute, it goes against your personal values, etc.)? If yes, don’t waste your time.

·        Equally, if your current job provokes a red flag against any of these, it’s time to start looking for another one – despite any perceived ‘awkwardness’ this might entail.

I knew I didn’t want to be in London, yet I kept applying for jobs in London. I knew I didn’t want to be in the civil service or work in advertising, but I applied anyway. I got rejected from all of them. When I applied for a PhD in nutrition at Aberdeen? I got it.

Home life

Whether it’s your flat, your city or both, if you know deep down you hate being where you are, you have to listen to that inner voice. Being able to relax properly is so important to maintaining your sanity, and if you’re not able to do your style of relaxing - be that living in a clean flat, being able to go out every weekend, or having some peace and quiet – you’re mentally not going to be able to get along with your surroundings. This means you’re constantly in a state of anxiety or restlessness.

·        Act on practical ways you can change your situation as soon as possible, whether that’s applying for jobs elsewhere or looking around other flats.

·        Think about what criteria are important for you so you don’t make the same mistake again. For example, if you hate bustle and noise but require being near to a city for your job, think how you could make things work if you lived in the country or slightly out of town.

·        Don’t compromise on key criteria, but don’t make them too picky either (see below).

For me, my key criteria were simply ‘not London’ and ‘a flat no larger than 3 people, where I can have an acceptable level of clutter’.  My criteria used to be ‘living with vegans’, but when that turned out to be a disaster, I realised that less can sometimes be more!

Personal life

When this goes badly, it feels worse than all the other things put together. Whether you’re looking for, trying to improve, coming out of a relationship, or something in between – different things may apply, but these key aspects remain the same.

·        Again, what are your key principles for a relationship? Important yet reasonable things, like - ‘I want this person to be honest about their feelings’ and ‘I want to have some form of contact with them each day’, rather than whether they have a beard or not. Don’t compromise on these but…

·        …give someone a chance to improve. If someone is showing genuine improvement in something (e.g. frequency of contact) that shows they care and are trying – even if it doesn’t yet reach your ideal standard. Be patient – they might be getting there. However…

·        …stand by those principles. If someone is continuously making you feel crap due to their action or inaction, and not showing any clear signs of improvement, you have to let that person go.

·        Your personal health and wellbeing is more important than theirs. Even if you love someone to bits, only they can change themselves. If a situation is draining you mentally and physically, it’s not right for you.

·        No one size fits all. Your friends and family might give you advice but every situation and relationship is different. If something feels right and worth fighting for, go with that instinct. Those closest to you should support you whatever you choose, even if it doesn’t work out in the long run.

Social life

Whether you prefer staying in watching films, going partying every night or somewhere in between, all of these are perfectly normal. But if your social life isn’t matching up with your preferences – or frequency of contact with others – you will no doubt feel a bit miserable.

·        Change any of the above factors if that would help. Perhaps you don’t have friends at work because your personality or values don’t match the ethos of your workplace. Perhaps you’re stuck living in the sticks when you want to be in amongst the action. Or maybe you have a controlling partner who prevents you from having a social life outside of your relationship. Change these things first, then the social life will most likely follow.

·        Do a search for social groups that match your interests, not your friends’ or partner’s. If you’re secretly a gaming nerd, find some fellow gamers. If you’ve always wanted to get involved with political campaigns, do that.

·        Don’t be afraid to say yes, no, or leave certain situations. If you hear someone discussing an event that sounds interesting, be bold and ask for the details so you can go along. If someone wants to make you do a night out on the town when you’d rather be in bed, don’t. And don’t feel bad about staying for a drink or two then leaving. People will appreciate you’ve made the effort (and will probably respect the fact that you’re not a party animal too).

Now I’m working and living somewhere I feel much more comfortable, I’m socialising with people with similar interests and am able to do things I really like doing, including choosing to go to a couple of social events a week while still allowing time to be on my own (getting this balance right for you is really important).

Physical and mental health

These are the cornerstones of living a good life because if you’re not happy, you’re not going to view the other areas of your life in a positive light either. Of course, you can still be happy and live with a health problem. Learning to cope in a positive way through acting out healthy habits for both your mind and body will help you to fulfil your potential, whatever limitations you may have.

·        What are you putting into your body? This encompasses medication, food and drink, booze, drugs, environmental contaminants and probably some other things too. Any of these things can interfere with your wellbeing and impact upon your body too.

·        Try some mental exercise… such as goal setting, learning a new language or develop a skill to boost self-esteem and sharpen the brain, even if other things in your life aren’t going so well.

·        …and some mental relaxation. This can be mindfulness, but it can also be a period of time you set aside, ideally once a day, for ‘me time’ - whether it’s reading a good book or watching something light-hearted to escape your worries for a short period.

·        Do what exercise you can manage: even if it’s just going for a walk, if you feel stressed you’ll most likely feel a bit better afterwards. Exercise can increase your energy and help your brain, as well as being good for the rest of your body, so it’s an excellent all-rounder: particularly if you’re able to enjoy some scenery or listen to some uplifting music while you do it.

·        Try to think positively, but realistically. Accept that you’re not in the best of places right now, but it isn’t all your fault and it doesn’t have to stay this way. Try and do just one or two things each day that give you the motivation to keep going, even if they seem like silly little things. At the end of the day, think about the positive or nice things that happened, such as a nice walk in the park or seeing a friend for coffee. Holding on to those moments should help you remember that life is worth living.

In the last few months, I have increased my consumption of fruit and veg, quit medications, kept reasonably active, set aside time every day for language practice, and kept a ‘one line a day’ journal, where I only write nice or positive things that happened each day.

There isn’t a prescription for becoming happy and fulfilled, but I hope some of these things help you if you are going through a tough time in any area of life. It may be hard to imagine now, but one day you will look back and be grateful for what the experience has taught you, and how it has shaped the person you have become. If you overcome challenges, no matter how big or small, you become a more resilient person, better armed to fight in the future.

[lookingforsomeanswers]

Hi Tilly, I find your posts very insightful... I was wondering if you were interested in working together on a project. I'm a web developer and you have many interesting thoughts — might be a good fit!

Hi Jasmin, apologies that I've only just seen this! Thanks very much for your feedback. What are your areas of interest and what so you have in mind? Kind regards, Tilly

[lookingforsomeanswers]

Scotland/PhD experience so far!

As many of you probably know, I moved to Aberdeen to start my PhD a month ago, and am now just three weeks into my PhD (time is flying already, though!). I thought it was about time I provide an update on how I’m doing and all things Scotland/PhD.

I must say that it has been an overwhelmingly positive experience so far. I was initially worried I was going to find it a bit lonely and miserable up here, and that I’d be constantly freezing too. That couldn’t be further from the truth, though admittedly the cold weather is yet to properly set in. I really like the city, my department, my colleagues... there’s plenty to do (of course, work keeps me busy!), and Aberdeen is a really nice place to just walk around and explore. So in true blog article fashion, here’s 10 awesome things about PhD life in Aberdeen:

1. It’s actually quite sunny here

It may be chillier than London, but Aberdeen is actually a lot less rainy than other Scottish cities further south. Recently there’s been gorgeous autumnal weather, perfect for walking to the beach or to admire the autumnal colours and brilliant pink sunsets we get here.

2. Harry Potter castles and sandy beaches

As well as lots of granite, Aberdeen also has going for it some awesome architecture (both in the town centre and at Old Aberdeen campus), some beautiful parks, and miles of sandy coastline and golf courses, so it’s the perfect place to get some proper fresh air (something I was definitely lacking in London!).

3. My department

So far I’m really enjoying my department - it’s a nice place to work, and everyone is really friendly. We have lunch together and often wine on Fridays!

4. There’s stuff going on

So far I’ve gone on a night out, watched academics to stand up, gone to my first Scottish ceilidh and had a free walking tour of the city (which I’d highly recommend if you ever visit). I’ve heard there’s plenty of plays/live music happening, which I’m keen to go along to sometime soon.

5. Scotland > England

Scotland has some cool things that England doesn’t, such as shops open all day on Sundays (perfect for disorganised students) and not having to pay for prescriptions at the doctor’s. People are generally more friendly out and about too, though the same unfortunately can’t be said for their driving(!)

6. University support

The impression I’ve received so far is that the university takes the health and wellbeing of its staff and students seriously. I’ve yet to have all my inductions, but so far the overwhelming message has been to not work yourself into the ground and make time to enjoy your time at the university and in Aberdeen.

7. Definitely cheaper than London

Aberdeen isn’t a cheap city (lots of wealthy oil people, etc.), but compared to London it’s not bad. It’s so nice to not lose at least 50% of my income to rent, and not have to pay £6 for a pint. Getting a proper flat with a sitting room seems to be the norm here too, so it feels much more homely. The buses here are quite expensive for individual journeys, but for a day ticket or trip to the airport it’s not so bad. As I’m walking everywhere, I’m not only getting exercise but saving all the money I used to spend with TFL.

8. The airport is handy as

...so no excuse to not come to visit! Seriously though, it’s really good that it’s just a short bus ride away so I’m able to visit further south and abroad more easily. I don’t want to jinx it but so far my experience with the airport has been a good one, and it doesn’t look like a construction site either (*cough* Manchester and Luton).

9. I’ve learned from my previous PhD mistakes

Having already had an experience of being a PhD student, I know what I did wrong last time, which included ending up down a rabbit hole of reading (until I was reading some less relevant stuff), not addressing my training needs early on and not keeping a proper record of my progress. I’m now keeping a ‘PhD journal’ on my computer to record what I do every day, and am already trying to get back to grips with statistical analysis and its associated software. I also plan on having an open and honest relationship with my supervisor so she is aware of any concerns as time goes on.

10. Having a proper day structure 

When you’ve been out of a proper routine - or even a normal working pattern - for a while, it feels really nice to have stability and know where I’m going to be when. Certain areas are still a work in progress - getting up at the same time each morning, being totally focused and productive at work - but I’m sure these will get easier as I continue to settle in. Just knowing I’m not having to look for work or a place to live for a good while is such a relief.

[lookingforsomeanswers]

Hey, I wanted to ask what your view on trans people are. Are you in favour or against the movement?

Erm, trans people aren't really a 'movement'. They're people. I hope that answers your question :)

[lookingforsomeanswers]

Holidaying meets educating

Sorry that I've been away from the blog for so long. Happily, things have turned around somewhat in my life, and recently I've been feeling a lot more positive about my situation. About a month ago, I successfully secured myself an exciting sounding PhD position starting in October, which will also include an industrial placement abroad. I intend on keeping a regular PhD blog during this time where I will detail the highs and lows of research life!

Shortly before obtaining my offer I made the decision to end my temporary job in London so I could concentrate on applications fully. This means I've had an unexpected 'summer holiday' - though without the money to jet all over the world doing exciting things. I've actually felt a bit guilty about this; in the meantime watching my friends working and able only to take off limited time from work or studies. So what have I been doing?

One of the things that actually caused me to end my previous PhD and take some time out was because I wanted to obtain a broader education. I'm someone who's interested in most things, yet my knowledge is woefully lacking in a lot of them. There's also things I've always wanted to do: learn a language, get fitter, read some great works of literature. Knowing that the next few years (and hopefully beyond) will be taken up with academic research in a particular area, I realised there's no time like the present - and may well not be another opportunity for me to educate myself more broadly until I retire (for my generation, that probably won't be until I'm 75 or more!).

Here are some things I've been reading and doing or that are on my reading list. I would love more suggestions, except the list is becoming longer than the time left available to me!

- currently reading: Anna Karenina by Tolstoy (after failed attempts in my youth, I'm finding it fabulous now)

- concurrently reading: The Adventure of English by Melvyn Bragg (wonderful for learning about English history and linguistics)

- The Silk Roads by Peter Frankopan (so interesting, but a bit heavy going)

- learning Dutch (definitely improving)

- learning German (but gave up as it was interfering with my Dutch!)

- on the reading list: Guns, Germs and Steel by Jared Diamond (wanted to read for about 3 years!)

- on the list: both Sapiens and Homo Deus by Yuval Noah Harari (I started Sapiens ages ago while working, but didn't buy it until now)

- generally learning more about history and current affairs through YouTube, newspapers etc. (though current affairs are perhaps best avoided for one's sanity!)

Personally, I think it's a good idea to try and become at least a bit informed about things outside your area(s) of expertise if you can get the chance. Not only does it widen your general knowledge, but it provides alternative ways of thinking about and understanding the world. Learning that the west hasn't always been the centre of trade and development, and understanding how English fits in with other languages, has helped me to appreciate our comparatively small role in the wider context of the world and human history. I'm hoping that being able to consider things from different perspectives will aid me in my scientific career going forward.

[lookingforsomeanswers]

Accepting that ‘perfect’ might not exist

As I’m sure we all do, when I was younger I had a certain naivety about my future life. I thought I would go from education to a set, solid career trajectory, and everything would be plain sailing. Similarly, I thought that somewhere on the way I would meet the love of my life, fall head over heels and the rest would be history.

Unfortunately, life isn’t like that for the majority of us. Over the last couple of years I’ve learned that making decisions in these areas can be extremely difficult – and indeed, one’s options might be a lot more limited than one was originally hoping. You might start off believing the world is your oyster, but when you find out you were rejected from your ‘ideal’ job due to there being tens or hundreds of applicants, it brings you back down to earth somewhat. The reality is, sometimes you have to grasp what opportunity passes your way, even if, on paper, it doesn’t sound perfect, because otherwise you might be waiting forever. So how to reconcile this in one’s mind?

I had a chat with a good friend recently where we summed this up pretty well. Growing up, we are presented with a Disney-like fairytale of how life will be in the future – like I stated above. Deep down, almost everyone wants this fairytale to describe their romantic and career journeys – full of joy and beauty, simple, worry-free, with everything just ‘working out’. But adult life teaches us the make-believe that this really is. This is one of the reasons why I believe our twenties to be a particularly difficult time. We forget that a relationship involves living with the downsides of someone, as well as their upsides – the things about someone that might get on our nerves, and the fact that a relationship itself requires active maintenance to keep it from becoming stale. Similarly, we believe our career will be stimulating and fulfilling every day, full of fresh challenges yet paradoxically a lack of stress. Sadly, it might only be once in a blue moon that we leave work with such a cheery disposition.

But these problems are for the lucky ones. For those looking, the problems can be even more difficult. We’re unlikely to have ‘love at first sight’ work out, or through a moment of inspiration ‘know’ that a particular career is destined for us and be happy with it forever more. And unless we’re exceptionally good looking, funny, gifted and a big social networker, we’re unlikely to have pick of the crop when it comes to partners or jobs. Sometimes we might see the dream job description advertised, but we’re just as likely to get it as date the Abercrombie & Fitch model. Unfortunately, this is true of other aspects of adult life too. We’re living in a house that desperately needs replastering rather than the gorgeous cottage with roses growing up the walls… or we still have bad skin even though we’d told ourselves all throughout adolescence that it would go away when we grow up.

So when should we accept a not perfect option? Or should we carry on searching? There is no right answer, but listening to your gut and balancing this with some logic can be very helpful. If you feel deep down that you’re settling on something that doesn’t feel right, or that you’re not ready to compromise just yet, then you’re probably best to wait a while longer. But if you’ve been trying for perfect (or close to it) for so long that you’re getting tired of waiting, and you get an opportunity that is perhaps not perfect, but not bad either, it might be worth going for. If you decide to go for ‘not perfect’, try not to hold too high expectations and compare it to ‘perfect’. If you do, this will most likely only make you feel worse about the situation, and mean you won’t put in any effort to seeing the positives and enjoying the situation for what it is.

The great thing is that ‘not perfect’ actually can become perfect in the long run. If we foster a positive attitude, go in without expectations, and enjoy an opportunity as much as we can, we’re likely to feel better about it with time. If we try and build on the opportunity to make it better, by putting time and effort into it, we’ll like it all the more. One day, we might even grow to love it and prefer it over ‘old’ perfect – which might not seem so perfect any more. Our tastes change, and we change to adapt to our circumstances. Best of all, we can always take another chance, so if what we settle for turns out to be downright awful, it won’t be the end of the world.

And that, I think, is learning what adulthood is. Over again, attempting to make the best decision with what information and opportunities you have available, compromising, and then trying to make the best of what you have. And that’s much better than finding perfect straight away and just going with it. Through taking the more drawn out approach, we have to constantly learn, think, and adapt – and as we do, we become resilient adults, who will be able to take on future challenges with greater patience, calmness and wisdom.

[lookingforsomeanswers]

Reasons to stay alive

NB Nothing to do with the book by Matt Haig (I haven’t read it). Any similarities are therefore coincidental!

When life feels really, really shit because you have been crushed in some manner, or you feel trapped in a dead end, it can be really difficult to carry on, let alone have any motivation or hope that things will get better. During these times it is easy to stay in bed, not go out, to shirk responsibilities and be a bad friend to others; to be generally lazy and not look after yourself - because what is the point?

There is a fundamental thing you should come back to when you feel like this. This should keep your life going rather than throwing in the towel, and maybe even reinvigorate you a little bit. Which is: marvelling in just how weird being alive is, and even in its darkest moments, the endless possibilities which could occur. I’m going to convince you why.

Have you ever stopped to think, or thought fairly recently, about what is involved in being you in your human body? You have a body which can do crazy things that even science doesn’t fully understand. It can detect its external environment – and itself – in a number of ways: through its eyes, through its skin, and process these things through its brain – either passively, by just accepting what the senses are doing, or actively, by engaging with and forming judgments about these sense perceptions. How weird is that?

The beautiful thing is, you’re unique in how you do this. No one else will see or feel things in quite the same way as you. And with your brain shaped by its unique experiences, no one will ever process these sense perceptions in quite the same way either. You are able to construct your own narrative about what is going on around you. If someone else was perceiving the exact same things as you, they would narrate them differently. And how you narrate your environment (or not) informs how you experience it. For example, if you interact passively, and use your sense perceptions at their minimum, you might just stare ahead, or down at the ground. You can choose to do that. Similarly, you might choose to engage actively, looking all around, listening, feeling, and making judgments. This might cause you to feel calm or anxious, happy or sad. But that’s all on you. You have that choice and power, every second of every day. Isn’t that amazing?

What you notice and your subsequent judgments of it can affect how you act and who you become as a person. If you actively perceive something as unusual, process it as alarming, feel terror, and use this to respond - through calling the police, or alerting others nearby to the situation - you’ve used your uniqueness to act in this way, a way that might be perceived as good by others. Those few seconds might help to define how you view yourself as a person, which might affect how you act in the future. And so we have the power to sculpt and define who we are as human beings.

If that isn’t enough motivation to stay alive, consider another thing about being human in the twenty-first century. Unless you are in particularly bad circumstances, you probably have far more options of things that you can do than you think you have. If you have some free time right now, the typical person can choose whether to go outside for a walk, read a book, or browse the net – to take  a few simple examples. If you choose the former, you can decide your parameters – how much time you will take out, how far you are willing to go, what you feel like doing or seeing – such as seeing some greenery in the park, or going to some shops. Essentially, your choice is endless. You might spot some interesting things or something might happen on your walk that gives you ideas or provides you with an opportunity. If you choose to read a book or browse the net, the options are limitless. You could use the time to get lost in your favourite book or tv series to enjoy yourself. You could start a new novel and begin wondering where the story will take you. Or you could learn new information, like reading about current affairs, learning about world history, or how to say ‘hello, how are you?’ in Japanese. There’s so much stuff out there, you don’t have time to learn or experience it all – so quick, hurry! Use what time you have available!

There are many choices you can make, and the better your circumstances (particularly those of a financial nature), the more you have. You could decide to go to work tomorrow, or not. You could decide you’d actually really like a new job, so you quit, and look for things you believe will make you happier. Or you might decide that you want to go somewhere on holiday soon, so you’ll save up some money, go somewhere new, and use that time to reflect on what you want to do. For those of us who are lucky to have a roof over our head, an income or some savings, none of these are outside the realm of possibility. And each of these things could present us with new and exciting experiences or opportunities. Maybe they will lead us to have really daft dreams, such as ‘I want to move to Hawaii!’, ‘I want to start my own restaurant!’ or ‘I want to be a millionaire in 10 years’ time!’. Then well done. Your brain has done its job of making you a unique human. You now have a goal to aim towards, which might seem really daft or stupid, but probably isn’t outside the realm of possibility – because why, then, would your brain suggest it?

Now is your time to decide how badly you want your daft goal and how much effort you’re willing to put in to move towards it. You might never really go for it because you think it’s daft, and that’s ok - but it might alter your behaviour a bit, by causing you to become more frugal, or more spontaneous. That in itself will bring new experiences and opportunities into your life. Or you might decide that you’re going to go for it as hard as you can, throwing everything at it, because who knows, maybe you’ll become the next Richard Branson?

And that’s the thing. Who knows. Yes, acting towards your dream might be very difficult logistically or financially. Yes, many small businesses fail. Yes, something terrible could happen which destroys your dream. But you don’t know because you can’t control chance, and you can’t control other people. So there is that tiny chance you could be the next Richard Branson, or be able to move to Hawaii. Humans call this hope, and we use it to get through tough times, or just bad days, because we feel that there’s a chance the future could be better. And the future could get better. It all starts with whether you’re going to choose to perceive things actively today; whether you’re going to decide to get up today, or what you decide to read next.

From the first second, you became a unique human, which brings with it a unique life. And what would be the point of extinguishing it, when life is so short anyway, with not enough time to do all those unknown things that could be interesting and exciting. So you might as well carry on giving it a try. It might end up surprising you.

[lookingforsomeanswers]

The importance of setting intuitive goals (and talking to strangers)

NB - I wrote this article a couple of weeks ago, but due to circumstances have only published it just now. Therefore the timing will be off if you read my previous articles I wrote while I was away, which was around three weeks ago.

On the final day of my holiday last week before travelling back to London I spent the day in Edinburgh before my flight. After a bit of mooching about, I came across a vegan-friendly deli to have lunch in (which of course greatly excited me). While tucking into my (vegan) pizza, a lady sat down at the table next to me and we got talking. Bearing in mind it’s unusual for me to ever have long conversations with strangers, imagine my surprise when it turned out that she was a writer and speaker in well-being and self-esteem – something I aim to encourage through my blog! Particularly as I’ve been going through challenging times myself recently, having a chat with her and listening to her advice was just what I needed. Her name was Patricia and she has a website so you can take a look if you’re interested. I decided to begin reading one of her books, The Secrets of Self-Esteem. Although I’m still reading it, even the short section I read while waiting for my flight home made me feel much more positive, and in the last few days, I’ve managed to be both productive and allow myself to have some much-needed and enjoyed relaxation time. But most importantly, I’ve felt properly happy and calm for the first time in weeks, feeling like I am able to move past recent difficulties and spur myself on to future success and happiness (as corny as that sounds!).

I would say that my self-esteem in general is fairly good – certainly much improved in the last couple of years – but reading Patricia’s book has taught me the importance of aiming to sustain this self-esteem during life’s most testing times, when often we tend to revert back to lower levels as our confidence is typically knocked. It may seem like common sense when you think about it, but most of us forget just how much we are in control of our emotions and reactions to things in life, even if the things themselves may be out of our control (I also read about this in the book Happy by Derren Brown, which I would also recommend for improving self-esteem). Patricia’s book has a series of exercises for the reader to complete as they progress through the book, similarly to the type of thinking encouraged in cognitive behavioural therapy, where you unlearn negative and unhelpful thoughts. For example, she encourages the reader to write down all the things they blame themselves for, and reflect upon how this makes them feel. She then states how this is unhelpful, and that freeing oneself from this blame by being kinder to yourself is essential for moving forward. With this mental space and energy, one can then refocus on something positive and important.

I decided to adapt one of these exercises quite spontaneously earlier today, by making a poster of personal ‘intuitive goals’, which is now stuck to my bedroom wall. Through what I have learned over the last few weeks and by listening to my intuition regarding what is most important to me (something Patricia continually encourages, too) I came up with some ‘happy’ goals for helping me to live well. In the past, when I’ve made any kind of lists of goals I’ve always been far too harsh on myself, giving myself far too much to do and setting unachievably high standards, such as working out every day. This means I’ve berated myself or just been disappointed in myself when I have failed. So this time around, I’ve given myself achievable and even fun goals to properly ensure balance in my life. For example, I’m now aiming to go for a run once a week, and I wrote down how good it makes me feel afterwards to remind myself in the future. Importantly, I’ve ‘scheduled in’ relaxation time too – at least one evening a week where I’m ‘allowed’ to watch TV and do puzzles. In the past I never allowed myself to relax fully as I always considered it a waste of time, but recently I’ve discovered that quite often, after a ‘lazy’ evening I will be surprisingly productive the next day – probably because I feel refreshed.

So if you’re feeling stressed, unhappy or that you are letting yourself down, start being kinder to yourself. Even if you are busy, taking a few minutes each day to relax and focus on what is important to you will be helpful for reorienting yourself, as well as appreciating the good things in your life. I definitely recommend it – as well as checking out Patricia’s words of wisdom, too.

[lookingforsomeanswers]

Holiday by myself: day 3 - sort of lonely

Unlike the previous day, today has been sunny and pleasant, which has enabled me to go for walks along the coast and enjoy the scenery. It has been lovely to get out properly, and undoubtedly it has been useful to be alone with my thoughts, but it has been painful at times too. Yesterday, I kept busy by studying and writing indoors, so instead of writing a post like this I threw my energies into a more academic piece. I therefore concluded the day feeling upbeat and accomplished, despite the downcast weather.

Sometimes having time to think can feel like one's worst enemy, though I have faith that it's helpful to do so in the long run. I feel that giving myself a set time in which to reflect properly - this holiday - will speed up the healing process so I feel better able to more quickly get back to 'normal' life - I'll be able to grab it by the reins. I'm feeling that moving forward, I need to be more proactive, if I'm going to find viable full-time work or studies that I'll love. The good news is that I'm already heading in the right direction through having made applications and connections, so harnessing my determination should help me on to a more successful path.

[lookingforsomeanswers]

Improving real life by applying learning from cognitive dissonance theory

Ironically, when I was a psychology student I hated learning about social or cognitive theories underpinning psychology. If I’m honest, I hated learning about dry theoretical stuff in general. I’d always have to turn on my short-term memory a few days before an exam, cram like there was no tomorrow, then hope I’d be able to retain it in time to write a couple of pages of regurgitated bumf or answer some multiple choice questions (the state of UK higher education, ladies and gentlemen). It’s only recently when I’ve been doing this whole ‘ah, what am I doing with my life?!’ thing combined with ‘why do people think/feel the way they do?’ and ‘I want to come up with/apply to PhDs really related to my interests this time!’ that I started looking again at what psychology was, exactly, and how it could help me in my quest to make people happier, healthier and hopefully do more good in the process.

I was doing some research recently on the psychological theory of cognitive dissonance, which basically states that we feel mentally stressed if we try to hold two or more contradictory beliefs, if our actions don’t align with our beliefs, or if we learn new information which contradicts with a current belief of ours. While reading I came across the following phrase (ok, it’s on Wiki, but it summarises things well):

“People practice the process of dissonance reduction in order to continually align their cognitions (perceptions of the world) with their actions in the real world.”

I would argue that people aren’t actually very good at this (myself included), which explains why as a society we often feel stressed and miserable.

For some reason, even the pessimists among us generally have high expectations in life, in terms of what we want to have achieved both professionally and personally by the time we retire. We also naïvely believe that most days will bring us happiness and fulfilment. And so we constantly feel deflated and demotivated as our ideals continue to mismatch with reality. We expect our partners and family to always act with generosity and love towards us, so our expectations aren’t met when they are busy with their own daily activities or if they direct a cross word towards us. We expect our friends to always lend an ear and their time to our problems, so we find it frustrating when they are unable to meet us, or if we have to listen to their problems instead. We expect our working day to be simultaneously full of excitement and challenge, using all of our faculties, while not veering into ‘bad’ stress. So we feel disengaged if we have to spend the day worrying about reports or engaged in monotonous organisation that doesn’t seem to be directly related to our goal or purpose. Then we envisage sparkling evenings of drinks, theatre and profound talks with friends and colleagues, so we feel disappointed in ourselves when all we have the energy for is to get home and collapse in front of the TV with a simple dinner. Similarly, in the mornings we may expect ourselves to get up at the crack of dawn to make a smoothie and have a successful workout before work, when what may be a more realistic goal is making it on time to work having had a bowl of cereal. All these little ‘disappointments’ with ourselves over the course of a day stack up into ‘I’m such a failure’ or ‘today was rubbish’ – meaning you’re not in a good frame of mind for the next day, either.

I’d argue this thinking perpetuates further too. We expect to find the perfect partner and live happily ever after, so we get into an ‘alone equals unhappy’ mindset, even if we’re only in our twenties and single because we’re busy with a load of other important stuff (like our semi-unfulfilling job). Or worse, we’re so obsessed with finding ‘perfect’ (even if we don’t know what it is), we cast away potentially excellent options (or people), or aren’t able to embrace unknown yet exciting opportunities because we’re unable to reconcile them with our oh so thought-out future plan (forgetting how large a role chance plays in everything). Likewise, we expect to one day have a nice big house that’s ours, so we get into a state if we haven’t even got the money to climb on to the property ladder. Our thinking is often confined by what we always thought would make us happy, so if it’s something that’s very unlikely to happen or we refuse to think outside of this box, we’ll continue to be disappointed that our expectations aren’t being met.

If any of the above rings true with you, then like me, you may be a bit of a perfectionist and unaware of just how hard you can be on yourself. I am becoming increasingly convinced that it is this mismatch between expectation and reality that ultimately leads to us feeling unhappy in the long-term – which gives rise to depression, irritability, anxiety and exhaustion. Sadly, I think one of the problems is that we’ve been brought up in a culture of ‘you can have it all!’ – and for our parents’ generation, I think it was easier to do that. They didn’t have to save £50,000 for a deposit on a flat, or spend 50% of their income on rent. They didn’t necessarily have hundreds of people applying for one job, particularly over-qualified individuals going for graduate schemes or positions in fields such as academia. Nor were previous generations exposed to endless articles at their fingertips on everything from ‘increasing your productivity’ to ‘getting more from your workouts’. Nothing ever feels good enough nowadays.

My biggest problem is that I always think I can do everything. That I’ll have the time to fit in all the things that I’m interested in and that I’ll be able to get good at all of these things. At one stage, I even wrote down a ‘plan’ of how I was apparently going to get all of this done. If I kept myself strictly to x hours sleep and y hours of socialising per week, I would definitely be able to keep up regular exercise, playing the flute, singing, learning a foreign language, watching new films, reading fiction and non-fiction books, improving my general knowledge, following the news…. and then reality showed me that I actually spend two hours a day reading articles about self-improvement I find through Facebook or via email digests. Good job, me!

As Festinger (of cognitive dissonance fame) states, if your expectations and reality are widely divergent – particularly if it’s stuff that matters to you – you’re going to feel a greater amount of cognitive unease. So it’s not surprising that if you make your expectations involve essentially your whole life (which clearly matters a great deal), that you’re going to feel pretty spectacularly rubbish after a while, if it feels like there is a massive gulf between who you are and what you want to achieve.

I think there’s a few ways we can try to mitigate this feeling. One of them is being more realistic about what you’re going to achieve. Perhaps in today’s climate, it’s not realistic to assume you’ll be able to perfectly balance everything to achieve the fairytale life, at least without having a meltdown at some stage. Perhaps think what would happen if you never got the house, the ‘dream’ partner or the ‘perfect’ job. Would life be a disaster? Probably not. You’d still have family or friends, or at least the opportunity to meet or make new ones. If your job was a bit rubbish, you’d still have time outside of it to find and do things you really enjoy. Even if you’re restricted in some sense, you’re probably still free to make choices about other things.

Another thing to do is to try and lower your expectations for yourself, day-to-day. Realistically, most days are not fabulous. In fact, a lot of days aren’t even good. Some days are boring or frustrating. But most days aren’t absolutely terrible either, unless you think they are. So what if you weren’t able to go to the gym or didn’t do anything exciting today. But you may have had a lovely conversation with a colleague and made a tasty dinner. Try and not let the smaller, nice things pass you by, because you were too busy worrying about the big exciting things that may never happen. In fact, quite often it’s anticipation of fun things that end up being better than the thing itself – or if you don’t anticipate something to be good, when it is you enjoy it all the more.

I guess that’s gone a bit away from talking about cognitive dissonance, but I feel like it all connects, and that cognitive dissonance can help to explain quite a lot of our flawed thinking. I definitely think that the mismatch between expectation and reality is at the root of a lot of our frustration and unhappiness. And that building up expectations and worrying means that we’re not able to properly experience and enjoy reality. In order to tackle this, I’m going to start enacting something else we can do to narrow the divide between expectation and reality. That’s doing what I feel. Because theoretically, my feelings should logically follow from my beliefs and goals. If my goal is to read more, then each time I eschew reading for watching TV, I’ll feel bad (a dissonant relationship), but each time I pick up a book, I’ll feel a sense of achievement (a consonant relationship). I’ll learn from the times I act in a dissonant manner, and rather than become unnecessarily frustrated with myself, next time I’ll be more likely to act in a consonant way. This means that over time I’ll be more likely to perform behaviours that match my beliefs to begin with, preventing any dissonant feeling altogether. But by accepting that this is a bumpy road, and that I’ll have to make the bridge between expectation and reality gradually narrower with time rather than all at once, will make the whole thing much easier.

[lookingforsomeanswers]

Holiday by myself: day one - getting some space

For a good while I’ve wanted to get away for a few days on my own. Not because I hate other people, but because I’ve felt like I’ve not truly had any time to myself for a good while. Even when living independently, it’s hard to get some ‘space’ in London, where it’s so busy at all times and everyone seems rushed. So it’s not always easy to get a sense of peace and freedom.

I also had a few personal reasons to go away on my own. Firstly, as a bit of a challenge, because it’s not something I’ve done before. I was also hoping to be able to achieve a balance of rest/relaxation and productivity, such as finally doing some reading, writing or general planning about how I want to shape things in the months ahead. But recently, circumstances in my life had changed and I wanted to acknowledge and see how I would cope with truly being on my own - whether it would make me feel more positive and confident, or just really lonely and miserable. 

I thought the worst thing would be to exert any pressure upon myself during this time, so before I set off I decided I would use these 3-4 days as and how I felt during the period I would be away. I therefore brought an array of materials which I could potentially utilise should the mood take me, including a notebook, puzzle book, my laptop, reading and study books, as well as a good pair of waterproof trainers and other outdoor gear (this is Scotland in April, after all). The day (and night) before I cycled through a mix of emotions - feeling excited, then a bit sad and lonely.

My day didn’t get off to the best of starts leaving London, as in typical Tilly fashion I left a little after I was intending, meaning I felt rushed and had to alter my route to the airport. I then managed to nearly lose my new suitcase a couple of times due to its over-enthusiastic wheels, and was waiting for delays on the line. So it was a good job in a way that my flight was delayed and I was able to calm down while caffeine-ing myself up at the airport (a rather daft combination, when you think about it).

Thankfully, things were pretty straightforward from when I landed until arriving at my accommodation. Once I arrived I realised the evening was now mine to do with what I chose, which gave me a new burst of energy and sense of optimism. After a bit of online research (it’s not in my nature to leave everything up to chance!) I went for a walk around the town, searching for promising-looking eateries. I eventually came upon a Thai place and felt no reticence in asking for a table for one (I’ve done that before at least). However, I was glad that when I checked my phone a couple of friends were online with which to have a brief chat with and fill them in on how my day had been. I was liking the sense of having freedom about what and when I ate, but it was nice to have a bit of virtual company, at least. 

I therefore don’t know whether over the next few days I’m going to grow to enjoy the time spent by myself, or whether I’m really going to miss being around my friends and family and end up speaking to them all the time. Time will only tell, as is the case for many things in life. Recently, I’ve learned just how good a healer time can be, so even if I do feel lonely at times, this comes in waves, with each subsequent one easier to bear than the last. However, I’m going to try and think positive and believe that I will have a fruitful, happy and relaxed time away, so that in a few days I’ll feel truly refreshed and rejuvenated.

[lookingforsomeanswers]

A (very) honest cover letter

Dear service, charity or company I am applying to for a job,

I admit, my CV looks a bit muddled. That’s because choosing one’s educational path and subsequent career can be extremely difficult for people like me! When I was at school, like many, I had a wide range of interests. I found science really interesting, but I also loved playing the flute – and I kind of found social sciences and humanities interesting too. So it was hard to even choose my A levels – particularly when I had teachers telling me I’d be great at other subjects I hadn’t even considered, like English.

Due to the high-performing academic school I went to, my career advice was essentially “go to a good university”. Ideally Oxbridge. Or it was good if you wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer – they could help you with that. Otherwise you were a bit stuck. Having no ardent desire for either of these careers, I applied for psychology and philosophy, because I thought it sounded interesting and was a nice blend of my interests within and outside of science.

Funnily enough, I found myself wanting to veer away from my degree once I’d started it, as I hadn’t been ready to make this commitment. I took a year out from my degree to apply for music college but was unsuccessful, as there are a lot of good flute players. I therefore decided to go back to finishing off my degree. With all my university friends being a year further ahead with their degrees, I struggled to fit back in and make any new ones. My mental health declined and I started developing an eating disorder. This got me thinking about the relationship between food and health from an academic perspective, so it gave me an idea for further study. I therefore applied to a Master’s degree in Human Nutrition. Due to sheer determination to obtain my place, I battled through the rest of my undergraduate to narrowly miss out on a 1st class honours degree.

I absolutely loved my Master’s degree – learning about nutrition from multiple perspectives, including public health and molecular nutrition. I finally felt that I had found what I always wanted to do – a PhD in molecular nutrition, as this was the area I found most interesting. I applied to PhDs in this area from early on in my Master’s, but at that time I lacked the relevant experience. I therefore opted for a laboratory based project to conclude my Master’s degree. I performed so well that my supervisor offered me a PhD opportunity within his research team – but it was a clinical trial based project, rather than in a lab, so I decided to turn it down – a decision I now regret. At the time I suddenly worried that I had nothing lined up for September once I finished my course, so I made a couple of rash job applications, including to a healthcare recruitment company in London. Being a new company, they rang me up for a telephone interview minutes after I had sent in my CV. Not even knowing what I was taking on or considering the implications, I was suddenly moving to London to start the job – because I’d heard how tricky the jobs market was, and I was scared that if I didn’t take this first opportunity, nothing else would come along.

The job could not have been a worse fit. Going from being in a lab to sitting behind a desk making telephone calls all day was a living hell. What’s more, I’d left my boyfriend and other friends still in Sheffield, and was living far out of the city with just a dodgy live-in landlord for company. Therefore, before I went completely mad I quit the job – with my back-up plan being to apply for PhDs once more. In the meantime, I managed to get myself work in a bookshop to tie me over.

I was part-way through applying for lab-based nutrition PhDs (including at the Rowett Institute in Aberdeen, where I closely missed out on a place during my Master’s), when I came across a PhD opportunity involving the microbiome - a topic I had found interesting within molecular nutrition - based in London, that was starting in just two months’ time. I sent in my CV thinking I would not stand a chance, but was invited to interview. As I was so keen to land a PhD opportunity, my enthusiasm at interview paid off over my experience. Sadly, I was woefully unqualified for what the project would actually entail – coding and statistics.

If I’m honest, it was like a part of my brain knew the London-based PhD had been more a ‘PhD of convenience’ than the right fit, as from the beginning I didn’t give the project the 110% I had given my Master’s (where I achieved an average mark of 80%). Looking back, I regret jumping in for this project and giving up on my applications to the Rowett Institute and other molecular PhDs. If I had been successful, maybe I’d be doing a PhD project I loved now. Or maybe I wouldn’t – because this kind of life experience causes you to subsequently question a lot of things. Once I had quit the PhD and started working in a restaurant, followed by a bar as a front of house (where I work to this day), it gave me time to think about what was really important. I realised I wanted to make a difference to the world within my career, if I still had the chance. Having both friends and a partner doing very specific scientific PhDs, I started thinking that maybe this wasn’t the best way of making a measurable, profound impact, because science is as much a game of luck as anything else. When you’re a PhD student, your relationship with your supervisor and work ethos of your lab or research group can play as much of a role defining the success of your project and future scientific career as the actual research you’re doing. What’s more, scientists are seemingly supposed to devote their lives to the job (particularly if they work in a lab), working long unsociable hours in the hope they might get that significant result which will boost their thesis and lead to journal publication.

Having some time out to do a job that doesn’t use my brain much has meant that when I’ve been away from work, I’ve had the time and space to realise just how lost I became in my journey. When I was a little kid, I cared about animals and the environment, and wanted people to be nice to each other. I didn’t care about prestige, money, or looking like a smart alec (though that can feel nice). One of the first work-type, outreach sort of things I remember doing aged 11 was making personalised stickers to sell to my classmates to raise money for the Marine Conservation Society, and emailing businesses like M&S to encourage them not to use unsustainable palm oil, in order to save the orangutans. Where did that girl go? She got lost in a world where academic success defined later life, and then got scared she wouldn’t be able to earn enough money to live. It caused her to run away from what mattered.

Because of this, I’m now looking for something that matters, but I’m still not sure what that is exactly, so I’m open to options. I’m applying to charities, and to working for the civil service, as that might be a way to make a measurable impact. Ideally, I’d love to be able to use my enthusiasm and passion for the environment, or my knowledge about health and nutrition. I keep trying, but I never seem to be much good at those ‘competency questions’. I can’t necessarily think of specific examples where I’ve shown outstanding customer service or made effective decisions – particularly when I have to follow the STAR formula to get enough points to be considered for the next round. That’s too formulaic for me – I’m better at speaking from the heart. But writing this has shown me two things. Firstly, I am finally ready to commit myself fully to pretty much anything where I feel like I’m making some kind of difference – or that I’d be able to get on a career path to eventually doing so. Secondly, it shows that I’ve gone through enough of a jobs-related nightmare that I deserve a chance. What makes me upset almost every day is when I stop and think that I went from being a top-class Master’s student, who potentially could have aced a scientific career, to right now, working in a meaningless job where I don’t even need GCSE’s. I admit that I made mistakes. But I think I’ve demonstrated that these were due either to poor timing or fear. That has cost me dearly, but I hope that it won’t have ruined my chances for a successful and fulfilling career in the future.

Therefore, if any of my words have managed to appeal to anyone, please consider me if you can. I have proved in the past that if I am passionate, I will work extremely hard – and it is my desire to be able to do so. So if you have an opportunity which would inject me with enthusiasm, I believe I could help you.

Best wishes,

Tilly Potter (real name Imogen, but I prefer using my nickname).

[lookingforsomeanswers]

In praise of slowing down

Whenever I feel the urge, I write in my diary. Sometimes this is fairly frequent; other times I go weeks without an entry. Today, I boldly made the claim to myself that right now I am the happiest I’ve been for about two years. This is despite the fact that objectively, some things aren’t too good right now – for example, my career at present looks a bit bleak, and I’m still living in the place which I know I don’t want to stay permanently.

So why can I call myself happy? I’ve learned (over the last few months in particular) that happiness is as much about outlook and how you interpret your circumstances as they are about the circumstances themselves. And I believe the main circumstance which has allowed me to interpret my current situation as not bad, really, is that I’ve given myself time. I believe that particularly nowadays, having time to pause and take life a bit more slowly is completely underrated, and that we often fail to realise just what an impact not being rushed can have on our wellbeing.

If you’re the ‘average’ worker like how I used to be, you probably have very little free time. This average worker rises early, has a long day at work, and then either gets home and does not much or stays out socialising with friends, which as fun as that can be removes any time for self-reflection and tends to exhaust one further for the rest of the working week. Others have to rush home for childcare or other family commitments, which then take up the substantial portion of their weekends. For people without children, weekends are often spent travelling visiting friends and family, or possibly even popping off on a weekend break. As fun as this can be on occasion, I feel this ‘average person’ leaves themselves very little, if any, time to slow down and reflect, and simply enjoy being in the moment.

As well as not having time to reflect, a busy person is also more likely to be a stressed person. Stress wreaks havoc upon our health and our wellbeing. You can have as much money as you want and a loving family around you, but you won’t appreciate these things if you are blindsided by stress. Stress causes you to obsess over whatever is bothering you, or else cloud your judgment and enjoyment of other things in your life. If you are chronically stressed, you’re not going to feel happy – it’s as simple as that.

I feel that everyone should allow some time to think carefully about their priorities and what makes them feel truly happy, while being honest with themselves about this. Is being successful at your career truly the be-all and end-all, or do you privately wish for more time to travel or just simply relax with friends and family? Even if your career is your priority, think about what your limits are – how much you are willing to sacrifice. Are you happy working long hours every day, or would doing this only every other day allow you a greater sense of freedom, or the ability to pursue a hobby you also wanted to?  I can’t give you the answer, because everyone’s priorities are different. It’s also alright for your priorities to change over the course of your life. If this has happened to you, don’t let other people’s opinions affect your decisions – only you are living your life, and you need to make yourself as happy as possible. So if that means taking on more or less work, do so if you can.

In trying to live up to your personal ideal of happiness, the worst thing is to pressure yourself in this regard! Accept that change takes time and if your lifestyle is very different to what you would actually like, this will take a while to enact in a practical manner, but it can be done. One of the things I have found helpful for this is keeping a ‘one line a day’ diary, where I am only allowed to record something happy or successful that happened – whether it’s a nice day out I had, or that I was organised and got some writing done that day. This will help keep you moving in the right direction. If you go from doing none to just a few minutes of your favourite activity a day, it will show you have made progress towards your happiness goals. If you gradually build upon this over time, over the course of a year you’ll probably be engaged with your goals far more than you would have thought possible when you first began. This can be so small, such as waking up 15 minutes earlier to have time to practice a hobby, start looking at new jobs or whatever it is you want to do – even if it’s just fitting in time to chill!

Of course, too much free time can be a curse if you end up becoming lazy and despondent. The way out of this it to always keep your goals in mind and think of ways you can divide up your day to accomplish small, manageable ways towards these. Your successes won’t be the same as someone else’s, so if it’s genuinely an achievement for you to get out of bed at a decent time, be happy with that success, and use it to propel you forward. If anything, I feel more motivated and energised now I have given myself the chance to achieve my goals in my own time, and not berate myself for not making progress more quickly. A positive attitude will help you enormously, and with time you’ll tend to find one small change snowballs into more changes. For example, by being happier through making more time for yourself may also make you more organised, so you get odd jobs done which you’d have otherwise put off or ignored.

In conclusion, allow yourself time and patience to figure things out, take time for you, and be kinder towards yourself. With a kinder and more relaxed mental attitude, you’ll not only feel happier, but have the motivation to make changes which will make you happier still.

[lookingforsomeanswers]

How can we make big decisions?

Sometimes in life we are faced with big decisions which can seem really scary, such as deciding to take a job offer, moving to a new place or making a commitment to a partner. Such decisions can cause us huge amounts of anxiety as we fret over what the right thing is to do and worry about all the things we should consider from different viewpoints. We might consider how such a decision could impact upon our success and happiness, and we are also likely to take advice from others. 

As humans we value the opinion of those who care about us, but also worry about judgement - whether from these same individuals or from society as a whole. It is definitely wise to ask others for their opinion, as you are likely to be biased in yours so may forget to take account of certain important considerations. But choosing which individuals, as well as what advice to take on board is difficult. Those who are least likely to judge you or are able to consider all your interests are the best choice - which may mean discussing with someone who is emotionally removed from the situation or totally independent, such as a distant friend or careers adviser. 

Sometimes it is tempting or easy to make rash decisions when an exciting opportunity arises. For example, it is easy to make the spur of the moment decision to move abroad while feeling thrilled after receiving a job offer. But by being too hasty you may forget the more serious details - will I be able to leave my family behind, or will they be able to come with me? Will the job really make me feel happy and fulfilled? Although it may burst your happy bubble, it is important to factor in practical and emotional issues when making big decisions. In order to do this, you need a certain amount of realism. And this involves being honest with yourself. 

Whether you like it or not, think about what your priorities in life are overall and how you have dealt with difficulties in the past. If you have always been a strong, career-minded person who hasn’t struggled when faced with new environments, making a big move may be perfect for you. But if you privately feel that actually, you need more emotional support, or that career isn’t the be all and end all for you because there are other things you want from life, make this a key part of how to make your decision. It may seem silly or weak to you, but acknowledging you need emotional support or valuing relationships above money or prestige is anything but. 

If you know from previous experience you struggle to be away from those you love, could this time around be different? It could be that the opportunity seems otherwise totally perfect - you feel you’d be so swept up in your new fun life you would miss those other aspects less. But if by being honest with yourself you realise it wouldn’t be enough and that being away would still be an issue, don’t ignore it. In this sense, it is sensible to listen to your gut feeling. It may be that you can’t even put your finger on the problem - it just may not feel quite right. There is likely to be an underlying reason linked to past experiences or situations that you have learned from. 

So in what circumstances should you say yes to the unknown? I would argue you know when it’s right to go for it when it feels like you would be able to battle all those other issues regardless. The difference is whether when envisaging a potential negative that occurs with your new situation you feel a nagging, anxiety-inducing feeling... or if you feel ‘yes, but...’. The latter suggests that when you picture something bad happening or imagine your new situation making you feel stressed or alone, that you would act in a way that makes that better. If you think that you would be able to call a friend and relieve your tension, or make use of your new environment to try something new to take your mind off things, it suggests you possess the coping mechanisms to be able to weather the storm. This should provide you with the confidence to pursue that exciting opportunity, but also the strength to carry on when the going gets tough. But if you feel less like a lion and more like a mouse when confronting such a possibility, maybe you’re not ready for it yet.

If you feel your lack of confidence is holding you back from making a beneficial change, there are ways you can develop this. It may just be a case of talking through various scenarios with those who are close to you, so you can develop a plan and feel more at ease that you won’t be on your own if a negative situation arises. It might also involve doing more research - maybe you feel uncertain because you have several questions, such as the specifics of a job or what’s going on in the new place you’re thinking of going. Finding out such details could make all the difference, even if they seem silly, like ‘is there a coffee shop I can feel at home in’. If you don’t have the luxury of time to find out this information (a deadline you need to make a decision by), either ask if you can delay your decision, or if not, it may be a sign that the timing just isn’t right. If it’s really the right opportunity for you, it or something like it will present itself to you again when you will feel more prepared. Don’t feel pressured by age or peers. Everyone is ready for different things at different times, and just because your friends or family settled into a certain path at a particular age doesn’t mean you have to. 

Finally, the trick is remembering that there is no ‘right’ answer, and having peace that we will make the best decision for ourselves at that time, under those circumstances. This is helpful when we feel we have come to our decision but still have that niggle as to whether we have made the best one or considered things fully enough. Once you have made your decision, stick to it. Remind yourself of the reasons you made it at the time . Even if subsequent information has come to pass that would alter your decision, you didn’t know about it then so don’t beat yourself up about things outside of your control.

[lookingforsomeanswers]

On admitting your weaknesses

At work today I finally admitted something to myself. I’d been there less than two hours and managed to burn myself on the milk jug and cut my finger twice (on what, I have no idea) meaning I was running around searching for plasters, sending coffee and milk flying in the process. Then the previous night, I’d tried to be as happy and confident as I could be, but I kept having colleagues asking me if I was ok or that I looked stressed. And I realised - I’m a clumsy introvert trying to do extroverted jobs that involve coordination. Why am I making myself do things I inherently struggle with?

The counterargument I often try to employ is that anyone can do anything if they put their mind to it; it’s all about practice. And yes, maybe if I practiced making coffee enough I would get better at it, and once I’ve greeted a few customers I do start to feel more confident later on. But I can’t practice not tripping over and spilling things. Nor can I really practice the ability to possess a natural, easy character where I’m able to have sarcastic banter with anyone at any time.

Like it or not, there are certain things each of us find easier than others. This is no doubt shaped by our past experiences, but I believe some of it is innate too. For me, I’ve never found writing or music too difficult, and that’s probably at least partly down to having kept a diary for as long as I remember and singing and playing from a young age. Yet despite playing outside and doing artsy things as much as the next kid, I was always clumsy and found practical subjects at school difficult.

Unfortunately, as an adult looking for casual work there is far more available with a steady rate of pay for those who lean towards the more extroverted side or have a practical bent, so I’ve been trying to adapt myself for the time being. But in the long term, I think it’s important to choose those activities you feel more at ease with - both in working life and with your hobbies. For example, you’re not really going to enjoy water-skiing if you’re doing it just because your partner likes it, when you’ve privately always disliked being in water. It’s the same for a job - if you always hated writing reports and essays, doing something practical will mean you will find more enjoyment and satisfaction in your work. 

The great thing is, playing to your strengths means you can still challenge yourself, but you’ll deal with these challenges in a more positive way than if you’re trying to force yourself in an area you’re not so good at. If you feel like what you’re doing isn’t working for you, try to reflect on what you’ve always been better at or enjoyed the most. If a challenge presents itself to you that peaks your interest, you’re likely to feel motivated and exhilerated. But if it was in an area you were uncomfortable with, you’d likely feel stressed and negative about yourself when you don’t make the progress you hope or keep making mistakes. By putting undue pressure on yourself by making yourself stick at something that is a complete mismatch, it is understandable if you feel hopeless and out of control, if each day you feel you are battling against your weaknesses. But it is better to admit your weaknesses than hate them. As much as I get frustrated with myself, wishing I was more of an extrovert, I can only try my best. And if that isn’t good enough, I’m not the problem - my situation is!

[lookingforsomeanswers]

#blog #lifeadvice #writing #blogging #advice

On dealing with difficulty

Sometimes, life can make you feel like a tiny cargo boat caught up in a big storm. You are trying to find something to grab onto, but maybe the bit you are reaching for is going to get thrown into the sea. Regaining control of the ship seems totally out of your control and would surely require someone with far more skill than you. It is easy to feel dispirited in times like this. If you feel like you’ve made a series of mistakes, or that life has thrown you so many curveballs you’ve had to make do with a suboptimal situation, it can lead to you feeling tired and demotivated. And it can even make you ill - physically or psychologically. You’re having to constantly adapt your weary body to the situation - the stress, the uncertainty and the worry that brings. I have learned that the best things to do in this situation is slow down and think. If you act fast, in a rash manner, as it can be tempting to do when you are desperately trying to change your circumstances, you are likely to make more hasty decisions which you could end up regretting too. A good friend recently said to me “regret is an emotion you must learn from. But once you have learned from it let it go, because it no longer has any value”. And after wrestling with this for a while, I realised they are right. You can’t change the past and hindsight is a bittersweet thing. Instead, use your present negative emotions - anger, resentment, discontent - as fuel for your positive fire. So, things suck right now, but what can you do to make it better? One step you can take is talking to or reconnecting with a friend or old colleague for some life advice. Yes, ultimately you’ve got to make the decision which feels right to you, which may not be what other people tell you or want for you. But think about the people who love or care about who you are and just want to see you happier. They won’t judge you for the mistakes you have made or may make in the future. But they may have some ideas, a new way of looking at things or may even give you some good news about how they can help you out. If you don’t ask you won’t get, so don’t be afraid to reach out to people when you are in need - particularly if you know you would have no problem helping them if it was the other way around. If you are feeling particularly at sea or feel no one close to you would be able to help you, seek external help. This is not a weakness - life is difficult at times for almost everyone, and you’re not expected to always go it alone. Depending on your situation, try and arrange an appointment with a careers advisor, a counsellor or any other expert in your particular area of troubles. One of the positives of the online world is that there is a forum for pretty much everything - and generally a phone number if your needs are severe. Sometimes talking to a stranger or professional can be incredibly liberating, as they won’t know you so won’t judge you. Remind yourself that if you act in a positive manner, your current situation is only temporary. With determination and the right help, you can get yourself out of the storm and into calmer waters. It might seem impossible at first, but try to break down what you need to do into small, actionable steps. The first step could be email or call a friend, and arrange a time to meet up. Over time, you can grow that cargo boat into a warship, built to deal with every crashing wave.

[lookingforsomeanswers]

On dealing with difficulty

Sometimes, life can make you feel like a tiny cargo boat caught up in a big storm. You are trying to find something to grab onto, but maybe the bit you are reaching for is going to get thrown into the sea. Regaining control of the ship seems totally out of your control and would surely require someone with far more skill than you. It is easy to feel dispirited in times like this. If you feel like you’ve made a series of mistakes, or that life has thrown you so many curveballs you’ve had to make do with a suboptimal situation, it can lead to you feeling tired and demotivated. And it can even make you ill - physically or psychologically. You’re having to constantly adapt your weary body to the situation - the stress, the uncertainty and the worry that brings. I have learned that the best things to do in this situation is slow down and think. If you act fast, in a rash manner, as it can be tempting to do when you are desperately trying to change your circumstances, you are likely to make more hasty decisions which you could end up regretting too. A good friend recently said to me “regret is an emotion you must learn from. But once you have learned from it let it go, because it no longer has any value”. And after wrestling with this for a while, I realised they are right. You can’t change the past and hindsight is a bittersweet thing. Instead, use your present negative emotions - anger, resentment, discontent - as fuel for your positive fire. So, things suck right now, but what can you do to make it better? One step you can take is talking to or reconnecting with a friend or old colleague for some life advice. Yes, ultimately you’ve got to make the decision which feels right to you, which may not be what other people tell you or want for you. But think about the people who love or care about who you are and just want to see you happier. They won’t judge you for the mistakes you have made or may make in the future. But they may have some ideas, a new way of looking at things or may even give you some good news about how they can help you out. If you don’t ask you won’t get, so don’t be afraid to reach out to people when you are in need - particularly if you know you would have no problem helping them if it was the other way around. If you are feeling particularly at sea or feel no one close to you would be able to help you, seek external help. This is not a weakness - life is difficult at times for almost everyone, and you’re not expected to always go it alone. Depending on your situation, try and arrange an appointment with a careers advisor, a counsellor or any other expert in your particular area of troubles. One of the positives of the online world is that there is a forum for pretty much everything - and generally a phone number if your needs are severe. Sometimes talking to a stranger or professional can be incredibly liberating, as they won’t know you so won’t judge you. Remind yourself that if you act in a positive manner, your current situation is only temporary. With determination and the right help, you can get yourself out of the storm and into calmer waters. It might seem impossible at first, but try to break down what you need to do into small, actionable steps. The first step could be email or call a friend, and arrange a time to meet up. Over time, you can grow that cargo boat into a warship, built to deal with every crashing wave.