lovefromtheborderline - Tumblr blog

[lovefromtheborderline]

who are you

Looooooool

[lovefromtheborderline]

1.

I am not sure what love is, but I know I don’t feel my scars when you look at me. I am not sure how to tell whether or not something insinuates forever but I know I started dreaming of four leaf clovers and dandelions when I met you. I let you in to my field of sadness. My cavern of sorrow. You illuminated it the way a lantern attracts a firefly in the night; it lights up beauty that can only be revealed within a sea of darkness, I am the firefly. I am not sure how one recognizes their soulmate but I am sure that the sunset meets the mountains half way between eternal happiness and eternal heat. Maybe we were never meant to know the depths of either. But I can say that with every passing day I am closer to meeting the sunset the way your eyes meet me. I know that when I hear words as if they were formed and poured out from my brother’s mouth, I will have found my eternal sunshine. I will know that the heat on my cheek from the sun as I lie in the open grass is the world loving me, as sure as I have felt the hands of God. I am who I am because I see waterfalls. Because I am comforted in the middle of forests. Because I found strength in her when I could not find it in anything tangible. I am me for many reasons and I think the world is beautiful. And I am so beautiful. In a way that she would be so proud of. I can say that I feel happiness and the honesty of a genuine smile. The formation of tears in the best way possible. A good kind of warmth. Thank you, universe. And whatever, whoever, is up there. I am happy.

[lovefromtheborderline]

3.

Heartbreak is real. It is a boa constrictor squeezing the life out of the depths of your chest but sometimes you need a lack of oxygen to learn how to find air. You need cold to find warmth, you need the darkness before light, you need sadness to be happy. And the funny thing is, there are ten million stars for every one we see so maybe sadness as an entity is nothing more than a grain of sand on a California beach. And maybe love is the moon that controls the tide. I’m not supposed to feel love, so I know that’s what this was. But maybe you and I were an experiment of faith; a lab report with nothing but the hypothesis that life turns a shade of summer when someone else is in it. Like the way a balloon is attracted to atmosphere. The air you breathe in at dusk. The desire to be a part of something that truly gives life.

[lovefromtheborderline]

5.

You snore when you’re sleeping. But not like my father. You aren’t inhaling untold secrets and you aren’t exhaling lies. You aren’t sitting alone in a hotel room waiting for someone to call and tell you, “Mistakes are hard. But you don’t have to erase them all.” You aren’t dreaming about the three kids you didn’t see grow up. You’re not noticing that you don’t remember what their first words were. Mistakes are hard. But you let them out through your eyes. You don’t need to wait ten years to admit that your fists graced someone’s face a little too hard. No; you accidentally hit me in your sleep and woke yourself up and said, “I’m sorry.” You held my head to your chest. And no, you don’t believe in karma because you think it would have gotten you by now. You don’t have to fall asleep in a world of fairy tales you’ve created and can’t escape. I hope both of you feel peace. I know that the past scares you. But when I told you, “the boy gets to make the decisions”, you looked at me funny. You told me, “no.”

You are a good guy, in its entire definition and I know you don’t see it, but you are worth loving. I hope you experience your light one day.

[lovefromtheborderline]

I wonder how we ever came to love a world that never promised us anything

[lovefromtheborderline]

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my favourite scene from any movie, ever.

[lovefromtheborderline]

I am okay :)

[lovefromtheborderline]

And the trouble is, the trouble is, she's always searching.

I am filled with more anger and frustration than I know what to do with. I feel like I have been given up on. I feel ignored. And tonight, I noticed that my mother asked her boyfriend if he wanted hot chocolate. My mother makes hot chocolate with milk, and something I remember the most about my time with my dad as a child is that he made my hot chocolate with water. I reminded him of this over Christmas and he said, “how else would you make it?”

My mother never made hot chocolate for my father.

Pluto was excluded from the solar system when it was deemed too small to be a planet. Astronomers determined that in order to be valuable, planets must be big. They must have a gravitational pull strong enough to keep itself and it’s moons in orbit so now my question is, how powerful must a person’s pull be in order to be considered a human being? A loved one? I don’t want to be Pluto. But I want to include Pluto again I think. Because I think my pull is much smaller than those of the eight planets that orbit the sun. I wish my boyfriend loved me. I wish i wasn’t lonely. I wish a lot of things. Maybe I wish my father showed my mother how to make hot chocolate with water.

[lovefromtheborderline]

undefined

my favourite scene from any movie, ever.

[lovefromtheborderline]

"Can you sing to me, too?"

I have been struggling lately to find regular emotions.

You see, I seem to be trapped in this "I love you and then I don't even like you" phase(?) and I hate that. Why can't I just be "falling in love"?

I often tuck my boyfriend into bed at night before I go back to my dorm to go to sleep. Most of the time, I wait until he's asleep before I leave. Last night, I was scratching his back until he fell asleep, and while I was doing that, he asked me to sing to him. I told him that I couldn't. But next time, I think I will.

I never thought that someone could be soothed by my voice. Or any part of me really. But this boy is showing me so many things. And even though some days I think I don't feel for him at all, I always remember what it feels like when he kisses my forehead when I snuggle up to him, and when he hugs me for the longest time when he's sad. He's a sweetheart, this one. A sweetheart with a rather pessimistic mentality, but a sweetheart nonetheless. And today, when I was stressed out to my max, all I wanted was for him to put his arms around me. That says something; that I associate him with me being calm. He is so peaceful when he's falling asleep. Perhaps that's why I stay so long at night.

[lovefromtheborderline]

MY TUMBLR WORKS AGAIN. (it hasn't been. i'll post soon!)

[lovefromtheborderline]

I think every thing on your wall is a picture of somewhere that is worth travelling, even though there isn't a clear destination. You like shaded trees and open roads and rivers that go on forever and that says something about you. You have a place here. I know that you feel small but I am telling you that the world knows you're here. And I notice you. I know you keep my letters on your bedside table and I love the way you look at me for the longest time, in a way that would make me think you could see the stars in my eyes.

I do not think that we should wonder when love will come. But it is hard not to. I am very confused most of the time. I find myself thinking things like "Who am I to deny him pleasure", and then things like "that is horrible thinking, you know better than that".

Except for I don't really know better. I am scared to be mad at you and scared to say the wrong things and scared to death that you will leave me. So I do whatever you want, even when you don't want me to. I have to try really hard to be my own person in this.

And I. Will. Try. Because I deserve to be happy. But it is difficult because what if you leave me? I have to prevent that from happening at all costs, right? I have to be the best girlfriend ever; the girl of your dreams.

I don't know what I'm even writing about. I apologize for ranting. Blaahhh.

[lovefromtheborderline]

I took a test from my therapist for BPD, and it was weird, it had 300 questions and they made no sense, like it'd ask about the color socks I wore.. But anyways, it came back negative I guess.. But I don't think that's true. I'm almost positive I have it.. What do you think?

Honestly, I think that the person best suited to determine something like that is you. If you identify with a lot of the criteria for the disorder, and you've researched it and stuff, I'd say to go to a different therapist or psychiatrist and talk to them. The fact that you did a test seems a little odd, I would think they'd just ask you about your symptoms and stuff and then diagnose you? That's what happened with me. But yeah I'd suggest going to a different psychiatrist cause in my experience, self- diagnoses are at least somewhat accurate, and a different psychiatrist can tell you other disorders that could be mistaken for bpd too!

[lovefromtheborderline]

It's really comforting to see people actually have BPD and not just me. I was just diagnosed like a month ago and it's an unreal feeling and reading things you've posted, it's just comforting and relatable. Idk why I'm blabbing, but yeah. Thank you.

Thank you so much, that means a lot! This message made me super happy.

Yeah, it’s a weird feeling but honestly for me, it was a happy one. It’s nice to be able to put a word to everything if that makes sense. And I like being able to see the world the way I do; its kind of special I think. :)

[lovefromtheborderline]

If you're borderline, listen to this slash look up the lyrics and tell me you didn't tear up. SHE GETS IT. Biggest Demi fan over here.

[lovefromtheborderline]

5.

You snore when you're sleeping. But not like my father. You aren't inhaling untold secrets and you aren't exhaling lies. You aren't sitting alone in a hotel room waiting for someone to call and tell you, "Mistakes are hard. But you don't have to erase them all." You aren't dreaming about the three kids you didn't see grow up. You're not noticing that you don't remember what their first words were. Mistakes are hard. But you let them out through your eyes. You don't need to wait ten years to admit that your fists graced someone's face a little too hard. No; you accidentally hit me in your sleep and woke yourself up and said, "I'm sorry." You held my head to your chest. And no, you don't believe in karma because you think it would have gotten you by now. You don't have to fall asleep in a world of fairy tales you've created and can't escape. I hope both of you feel peace. I know that the past scares you. But when I told you, "the boy gets to make the decisions", you looked at me funny. You told me, "no."

You are a good guy, in its entire definition and I know you don't see it, but you are worth loving. I hope you experience your light one day.