lowkisdiary-blog

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Prematurely Ready to Move Out

Things I’ll Need (LET ME KNOW IF I FORGOT ANYTHING THIS ALL CAME FROM MEMORY)

Furniture/Bed Room Stuff: 1. Sofa 2. Love Seat 3. Hanging TV Shelves 4. Dining Table & Chairs 5. Bed Frame w/ Storage 6. Dresser 7. Vanity 8. Wardrobe 9. Bed Bench w/ Storage 10. Bean Bag Chair 11. Nightstand/Bedside Table 12. Queen Size Mattress 13. Lamps (floor & table top) 14. Sheet Sets* & Comforters 15. Pillows (regular & body)

Kitchen Stuff: 1. Set of Non-Stick Pots and Pans 2. Cast Iron Skillet 3. Set of Knives 4. Set of Utensils (forks, knives, and spoons for eating) 5. Tubberware Set 6. Dishware Set (cups, plates, bowls) 7. Measuring Cup 8. Blender 9. Keurig 10. Nutribullet 11. Cooking Utensils (spatula, whisk, wooden spoon, funnel, etc.) 12. Ice cube trays 13. Sponges* 14. Dish liquid* 15. Microwave 16. Toaster 17. Aluminum Foil & Plastic Wrap* 18. Various spices & seasonings 19. Salt & Pepper Shakers 20. Dish Rack 21. Ziploc Bags* 22. Flour, Sugar & Rice Containers  23. Paper towels* 24. Oven Mits 25. Food Tray

Bathroom Stuff:  1. Soap (body & hand)* 2. Toothpaste* 3. Mouthwash* 4. Toothbrushes* 5. Shampoo & Conditioner 6. Wash Cloths & Towels* 7. Soap Dish & Toothbrush Holder (if applicable) 8. Shower Curtains 9. In Shower Caddy 10. Toilet Brush 11. Alcohol & Peroxide 12. Q-Tips* 13. Cotton Balls* 14. Face Wash 15. Toilet Tissue* 16. Hand Towels* 17. Febreeze* 18. Flat Iron 19. Blow Dryer 20. Lint Rollers*

Cleaning Stuff: 1. Mop 2. Bucket 3. Broom  4. Dust Pan 5. Vacuum (regular & handheld) 6.Pinesol 7. Clorox Bleach (cleaning spray)* 8. Glass Cleaner 9. Clorox Wipes* 10. Lysol*

Laundry Stuff: 1. Detergent* 2. Fabric Softner* 3. Dryer Sheets* 4. Bleach* 5. Oxiclean Power Pellets

Personal Stuff: 1. Deodorant* 2. Lotion & Body Oil 3. Waterproof/Fire Proof Safe 4. Feminine Hygiene Products* 5. Ashtray 6. Alternating Fan 7. Small File Cabinet/Bin 8. Hangers* 9. Shoe/Purse Rack (if applicable) 10. Baby Wipes*

*Buy In Bulk

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OCD Problems on 4/20

My OCD is maintained by intolerance of uncertainty which means the thought of endless possibilities drives me absolutely insane. I love consistency, order, procedures, steps, reassurance, FINITE things that can be applied to finite logic. It’s crazy because I can have an infinite amount of lists, but it’s something concrete I can look at and work from. I can check off things and feel as if I’m accomplishing all the things that constantly go around in my mind. 

I literally cannot go a day without writing a list. On top of needing all of my possibilities to be tangible, I smoke so much weed I’ve begun forgetting things extremely easily. So, I will be flooding your feeds with a bunch of random lists because putting them on my walls has proven to leave me without enough space for all my thoughts!

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Disappear

Everyday I work so hard to be my best self and be the best person towards everyone else. And everyday I some how end up disappointed in the people around me. My efforts feel thwarted and I just want to isolate myself from everyone and everything. Save myself from all the effort and heart break and let people know what it feels like to live without me ✌🏾

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Spilled Juice

Y'all remember when I told you I knew the exact moment I entered "womanhood?" Well, here's the story: I got my monthly visitor when I was eleven but I never had any of the symptoms. I used to get really hungry the week before and never want to anything the week of but I had no cramps, no mood swings, no bloating. Well one day, about 2 years ago, I had gotten home from class already in a bad mood. Literally everything pissed me off, dropping my keys, struggling to get my clothes off, couldn't find my remote, etc. I decided that it just wasn't a good day so I went to get something to drink before I would take a nap. I returned to my room with a full glass of my favorite juice and spilled it EVERYWHERE. 🤦🏽‍♀️I think that was the last straw because I lost it. I proceeded to cry hysterically in fetal position on the floor questioning why God hated me. When I realized I was crying over spilled juice it only got worse: "Why can't I just be normal? Nobody loves me. What is God punishing me for? What am I doing wrong in life?" (I know I sound totally insane but it gets better) I finally got myself together to clean the mess I had just made when I accidentally spilled MORE juice. I threw a literal tantrum, discarding papers all over the place. I was so frustrated, I just left the mess and went to take my nap. I woke up a few hours later feeling much better but with a whole new mess to clean 🔴. I thought to myself "Well that makes so much more sense. I knew I wasn't such a weak ass bitch." Now, I'm the biggest emotional mess you'll ever meet. I think it's safe to say I miss the good ol' days. 😂 TTYS xoxo -K💜

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I LOVE NUDES😍

IS THERE ANYTHING BETTER THAN THE FEMALE BODY?

Guys, I fucking love ass and titties. All the beautiful shapes, sizes and colors, omg😩 . I walk down the street everyday admiring all the different body types as I see all these beautiful women passing me by. I swear if you catch me staring, I’m not judging, I’m loving😍. And guys it’s not just the bodies, but certain facial features, non sexual body structures, skin tones and hair textures...can I get a Amen?! Now, don’t get me wrong, I love me some 🍆👀....you won’t catch me switching teams anytime soon. However, their is nothing wrong with showing appreciation for my fellow queens and their juicy goodness! We are like...works of art and art should be admired not ridiculed, shamed or judged. 

Not only do I admire the female body, but I also love my own. I empower other women, why not empower myself? I’m so gotdamn sexy. I’ve even taken to referring to myself as a snack because I be looking all kinds of scrumptious. Excuse my grammar, but it was necessary😂.. I love to look at nudes...and I LOVE TO TAKE THEM. I hate clothes. I have since I learned how to take them off on my own. I take selfies just like everyone else, my natural state just happens to me naked...and I’m not going to change that just for you. They’re just boobs...we’ve all seen them. Not everything needs to be made sexual or offensive. I enjoy my body and embrace my sexuality. You don’t have to agree, but that ain’t gone stop me😉   NUDIE POWER💪🏾✊🏾 TTYS cuties. Xoxo

-K💜

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The Curse of a Psych Major

Yes people, I am a 4th year, first semester psychology major so get ready to get READ. Lmao nah jk but seriously sometimes it’s really hard to look at the world with normal misunderstanding eyes. That probably didn’t make any sense so let me clear it up for you.

When I was younger, I got teased a lot for being black and having a squeaky voice and different textured hair. I was the only black kid in all of my schools growing up, which only means I was blessed enough to go to private catholic schools my whole life and get a decent education, however, it was really hard finding an identity in places where no one looked like me. It was also really hard to understand why I was being ridiculed because when I looked out into the world at all the beautiful people, I didn’t see race or gender or any of those differences. I just saw people who deserved to be loved as much as my mom loved me. It got harder to accept myself the more I failed to fathom the realities of the world. Around my freshman year in high school I tried to take my life. I was young so I didn’t know what I was doing but I put up a vague but decipherable status on AIM (lmao y’all remember AIM?) took a hand full of 1000MG Ibuprofen and that was that. Mind you it’s Ibuprofen so all I did was pass out and wake up a few hours later a little disoriented. But BOY was my phone blowing up. All my high school friends were pissed at me for not telling them what I was going through. One of them even threatened to call the cops. I quickly diffused the situation so no police would show up at my home (I didn’t want my mom to know what happened). This however was the moment I decided I wanted to study human behavior. I honestly didn’t want to die. I’m just a very sensitive person who becomes overwhelmed with emotion literally every time I feel something. So I knew if I was going to be able to survive in the world, I needed to understand why people were the way they were and why they did what they did.

Fast forward to now, all psychology majors know the two most important things about being a psychologist: Every psychologist needs a psychologist and never diagnose yourself. 

I’m starting to realize why the former is so necessary. I look out into to the world, at my friends and I psycho analyze EVERYTHING. I go back to the root of every flaw and see how I can fix it. How I can make everyone feel better and live happier. So I’m always trying to help people, “fix” people for the lack of better phrase. My intentions are pure but everyone knows you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped and isn’t ready to be helped. Still, I feel like a failure and that it’s my responsibility to make the people I love happy. To make the world a better place. But that’s a burden too big for one person to carry. Especially someone as sensitive as me.

I’m also starting to realize why the latter is so very important. I FEEL LIKE A CRAZY PERSON. Every time I do something that feels wrong or uncomfortable, every pattern I see, every time I have an emotional break down, I’m always giving myself a new disorder. I guess this also ties into why we need our own psychologists so they can tell us what’s ACTUALLY  wrong if anything. I know I have GAD and social anxiety and that’s probably what drives my catastrophic thinking but I really need a mental break from myself and the world because if I spiral out of control in my own head one more time, I’m literally going to explode. TTYS xoxo

-K

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14 Reasons why I Love V-Day

1. Love is everything. Literally. 2. Moms get a day. Dads get a day. Siblings get a day. Everyone gets a day, why shouldn’t your significant other?  3. Spoiling people is my favorite thing to do. I get to go all out, no explanation needed. 4. It doesn’t have to be exclusively for your significant other. Tell your mom, best friend and coworker how much you love them too! 5. Even though it’s a myth, Valentine’s Day was supposedly created to honor St. Valentine who married soldiers even after it was made illegal (and punishable by death) by the king. If that’s not simply beautiful then idk what is 6. If you’re single, no one will judge you for going all out just to treat yourself cause heck, you love you so lets celebrate you too! 7. In today’s society, single people are encouraged to celebrate themselves instead of feel sorry for themselves and that is just the beez kneez! Being single shamed is no fun. 8. It’s hella romantic!! If you’re in a relationship everyday should be a day to show your S.O. you love them, but on V-Day you pull out all the stops! 9. Who doesn’t love flowers? Not a fan of flowers? Who doesn’t love gifts?! 10. Chocolate and candy...enough said. 11. “It’s the thought that counts” is an understatement. The thought is EVERYTHING. If you make an effort to shift away from the cliché and do something meaningful...I love you. And I know your partner will too 12. I celebrate love everyday, but today I’m surrounded by so many people who are doing the same. It’s the best head space to be in.  13. Even if it’s fake and just for the day, I get to see couples out and about holding hands and spreading all their gross PDA. And I LOVE IT. If only it was real and lasted forever. 14. It separates the real from the fake. Those who love love and the people in their lives will have been planning, thinking of others and showing their true colors. For those who just want to stay out of the dog house well...I guess thats why Side Chick Day is tomorrow now isn’t it?!

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I Always Forget About My Period

If you guys read my last post, you know I’ve been having a really rough time for the past 6 months. Well I’ve been in a really depressive state as of late...I hadn’t eaten since Tuesday (I finally ate something substantial last night, lost like 10 lbs in less than a week 😩), I hadn’t been to class since Tuesday, hadn’t moved my car or even left my house. I honestly thought it was solely due to everything in my life going downhill.

Yesterday, I started scrapbooking all my old photos and spent some time with my family and I started to feel better. Yesterday was a really good day honestly, I don’t know what brought me out of my funk per say but this morning...it was back. I woke up feeling incredibly drained and just emotionally stagnant. I feel like I’m stuck on sad (haha get it, like stuck on stupid😂). It literally feels like my permanent mode is sad and nothing can cheer me up, my body feels weighed down my mind feels cloudy and I’M STILL NOT HUNGRY. (If you know me you know this is like...the end of the world. A little fat girl lives inside of me).

Then...my birth control alarm went off and I realized I only had one active pill left. For those who don’t take birth control, that means my monthly visitor will be making an appearance in about 3-4 days. I was instantly annoyed because I knew that’s why my sadness felt so intense. Not to say that I wouldn’t have been sad if my period wasn’t on the way but, it definitely would not have been as overwhelming. For most of my so called “womanhood” I didn’t experience menstrual symptoms (cramps, moodiness, heightened hormones, etc.). I wasn’t until about 2-3 years ago that this shit went AWOL. I even remember the exact moment...but that’s a story for another time😋. TTYS xoxo

-K💜

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Today I’m Kind of Spiraling

On a day like this, I’m incredibly glad I revamped my blog so I’d have a place to air out my thoughts, even if no one actually reads this whole thing. Ever since I had to leave my cushy office job -- thanks to my stupid college schedule -- I’ve been having a really hard time getting back on my feet. I went from $15/hr at 40 hours a week, to $11/hr at 20 hours a week, to 7 hours a week to now nothing. I’m seriously FREAKING OUT. 

I’ve been spiraling for a while now, no motivation to get up and go to class or look for a new job or even find a hobby to make me happy or keep me preoccupied. It seems like everything is just happening so quickly and all at once. For all my fellow control freaks, you can see why this is plaguing me. I’ve always had control over my life. Everything I wanted, I had with no problems or hesitations. I know everyone goes through the stage of life where they sort of lose control of the wheel but...I wasn’t ready. With all my qualities, capabilities, educational background...the world was always at my fingertips and now everything is changing. 

I literally had everything I wanted. I saved up $3,000 in less than 6 months. Used $2,000 for the down payment on my first car. I had a job I was great at where everyone loved me. I was on my way to getting my motorcycle and real estate licenses. I’m a business partner at a start up record label.** I had taken a semester off from school and I was reenrolled ready to take on anything that came my way. I had just returned from Vegas for my 21st birthday with my favorite people in the whole world and now it’s all muddled up.

When school started in September I had to leave my office job. A bus hit my car the day before Halloween on 34th street. A week later, another driver hit the other side of my car so I had to spend $500 of the thousand I had left for my insurance deductible. I had just spent the other half to buy a new lens for my DSLR camera for the record label. So now, I have no money and am forced to live paycheck to paycheck. So much so that I couldn’t afford to keep taking my motorcycle lessons causing my permit to expire. Now I can’t afford to retake the test. So much so that I don’t even have $15 to spare to take my real estate licensing exam. This month is was a miracle that I was even able to pay my car note. 

To top it all off, not only was I already scraping by with 7 hours a week, but my boss just called me this morning telling me not to come to work. Now, I won’t be getting paid on Friday. Can someone please help me see a positive cause...I can’t even see the light of day....

**SB: Totally plugging myself right now but idc. Certified Industries check us out soundcloud.com/certified_ind. Website coming soon. We provide a wide range of services and are always looking for more artists and business partners. Message me for more info. Thanks for listening...TTYS xoxo 

-K