massmetanoia

[massmetanoia]

I was brushing my teeth tonight and thought about how my gorgeous boyfriend with the most beautifully soft sugary chocolate brown curls and stunningly smooth green eyes and super soft cheeks tells me I've done a good job every single day. For one thing for another he has told me I have done amazing, am amazing, am doing amazing, or says well done, good job, and all around cheers me on every single day, at LEAST once. He is my biggest cheerleader, and I will appreciate him and his softness, enthusiasm, curiosity and passion in every life. Meeting him makes me feel like this life has been worth it, and I will continue to never let him go as soon as I find him, over and over again.

[massmetanoia]

I've recently finished reading Kaikeyi by Vaishnavi Patel, and to say it resonated with me is an understatement !! You truly live alongside this ancient Indian princess, and grow with her, learning world truths and feeling that gut wrenching realisation of "oh, this is still a man." when a man you're close to says that one thing and you just feel something in your gut, the fear, the disappointment, the shame.

I love this book and the show of feminism through time, it's relationship to ancient religion and culture, and how progress is not linear, nor responsive to any one person. It explores feminist progression and empowerment in many ways, how female strength has always been present and IMPORTANT!!! If you like Yona of the Dawn, this is something you'll appreciate, (minus the romance aspect), and it will be something you think on and about.

P.s. The ending is bittersweet, but I'm just glad it's not entirely reductive, or punishing to the characters you spend the book rooting for. It's done with elegance, and shows the importance of growth, forgiveness and how change is never stagnant, nor that any one fate is sealed, or any one perspective set in stone. I love the themes of religion, faith, magic and the world-building that comes with it. The mythology is strong in this one, and I'd love any other book recs that involve ancient mythology that isn't just greek

[massmetanoia]

And for my next trick, I'll make all your woes disappear ooohhh ^O^

[massmetanoia]

I often get anxious when I'm having a good time, or enjoying life too much post-recovery. I feel tense and as if I am doing something wrong. By the time I have lived double the years of abuse, hopefully that feeling is gone?

[massmetanoia]

Read the books with the covers you've always been drawn to, watch the cartoons you don't remember the full plot of, but remember always wanting to watch when it was on, buy that magazine with a toy in it. Do the things you loved, in a safe envronment, and feel how your heart coos at your inner child.

[massmetanoia]

Misc entry #2 from years ago, "Fears are constructed they say, but that in itself offers rather little aid in deconstruction. Just knowing is hardly ever enough. Knowing has never been enough. It wasn’t enough to make me truly empathise or care for her. It wasn’t enough to erase the damage, the envy, the guilt. When has knowing been of use?"

The raw resentment and apathy for life that so many teenagers carry haha. If adult me met teenage me and laughed at her resentment, she'd fuck me uppp. I love being older, having hindsight and different outlooks. I know now, having completed my successful course of mental health recovery, that sometimes knowing is just for the purpose of knowing. For being in the know, for being someone who has insight.

Although, I do give her credit, because little did she know that I ended my EMDR therapy by saying I choose to not know further hahaha. I was better than ever before, in a position where I had done some healing, uncovered lots, and chose that it was enough. I knew I would fine leaving some questions unanswered, because I knew there would be no right answer, none to make me feel better or that would improve my soul in any way. Knowledge is usually power, but so can be ignorance.

[massmetanoia]

A misc entry from years ago, "One day, maybe I can journal about my woes, writing poetry and songs while sitting with my legs dangling over a body of water. Maybe it will be windy. Grey clouds, and a raincoat. I would write out my rage, but leave the book open for the rain to consume. I’d watch as my misery dissolves to nothingness - exactly what I crave it to be."

[massmetanoia]

When I was struggling more with my mental conditions, I would listen to stories of recovery and healing from a distance, admiring them as figures I could never achieve. I never realised I never even considered myself to be as worthy, as blessed or as dutiful as any of them. It was only recently, as I'm working now with women in a mental health facility, that I wish so deeply to give them the hope of my existence: recovery is not reserved for the special, the exception or the lucky. I am proof of that, and while I did work hard to get here, it was not nearly as difficult as I thought it to be. My advice would be to measure progress in unconventional ways. Through your recovery or healing, stop and feel the difference in how your chest is less tense before you fall asleep, or how you don't need to lie to protect yourself, or how your hands don't shake when you don't finish your meal. It's coming 🪷

[massmetanoia]

I am a Jack of all trades, and will pursue the arts as messily and freely as I want to. I am slowly unravelling the pressures of perfection, despite how tightly they are woven around my chest. I have a warm, soft home that I have decorated all myself. The furniture has felt my hands, and the walls have felt my weight. I am so proud, and waking up from a CPTSD nightmare set in that falling-apart, undeocrated, cold building, to the instant sights of warm, cute collected displays hand-curated by myself, is something I will appreciate every night. <3 please believe you will get there

[massmetanoia]

When you suffer trauma at the hands of your parents, you will fear that that is parenthood. You do not have to repeat any cycle you do not want to, and you prove that every day you live. Whilst love isn't always all you need, it can easily fuel the automotive that is change.