mylittlemesseduphead

[mylittlemesseduphead]

This is not mental health related so if that isn’t your thing stop reading here.

It’s pride month and for those who don’t know I am aroace and for some reason there is always a lot of confusion about what it is like to be aroace so I am going to give you an example being aroace is like being gluten and dairy free at a communal picnic. Most of the time you have to bring your own food to the picnic because the event provider hasn’t made anything suitable and no one else is going to bring anything you can eat either. You also have to spend a lot of time explaining to people why you can’t try their food because it isn’t that you don’t want to but if you do it will make you sick and sure some aroace people are just intolerant and maybe they can have a little bit of the other food before they get sick but some aroaces are fully allergic and any amount of gluten or dairy will make them very very sick. You spend the whole picnic feeling like you don’t quite fit in because everyone is enjoying the same food while you are eating your home made snack and fending off comments like “you’ll build up a tolerance if you just start eating a little bit now” or “my kid couldn’t eat gluten but he grew out of it you must just be a late bloomer” and no matter how many times you say trying this food won’t cure my allergy a well meaning health enthusiast will try and convince you that not eating gluten and dairy is unhealthy and unnatural. No matter how many times the provider says you are welcome to be at the event it never quite feels that way because nothing at the event is made with you in mind even the plates and cutlery have to be separated because any bit of gluten or dairy is end game for you, you bring your own bottle of water or soda to drink because you don’t want to risk something having milk in it and people call you a scaredy cat because you won’t do a toast with them. And sure you might meet one other person who is gluten free or one other person who is dairy free but no one else seems to be able to have neither just like you… you are not like the other allergy people with only one allergy because you have 2 to avoid and then you might find one food on the table you can eat but before you know it someone who wasn’t thinking about you has contaminated it.

This is what it is like being aroace constantly having to explain yourself and your choices and why you can’t just be like everyone else and no one considers you at first thought you are always an after thought anyway it can be isolating and sad at times but if you can find inclusive events and spaces it can be great fun and joy to be able to be yourself.

[mylittlemesseduphead]

Happy autism acceptance month

It has taken me a while to understand how my autism affects me and how to best help it but no matter where you are on that journey i wish you luck and good vibes.

[mylittlemesseduphead]

It's my 8 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

Wow 8 years sorry I haven't been active much lately I am not sure when I will be back to posting but hopefully soon.

[mylittlemesseduphead]

You shouldn't have to sacrifice your physical health for your mental health or sacrifice your mental health for your physical health. You are allowed to be completely healthy and if a doctor wont listen to you about your health concerns then it is time for a second opinion. mental health meds can have some serious physical health impacts and even cause long term health conditions and you shouldn't have to put up with that just because it helps with your mental health.

[mylittlemesseduphead]

For all my fellow ace spec/aro spec people who also have mental health issues this is a reminder that intrusive thoughts are not the same thing as attraction. Intrusive thoughts can make things very confusing but they are not a reflection of your true feelings and desires and just because you have an intrusive sexual thought about someone does not mean you are attracted to them.

[mylittlemesseduphead]

Me not responding doesn’t mean you “won” the argument it means I am choosing to disengage for my own safety.

[mylittlemesseduphead]

I hate the heavy feeling you get when you are depressed. When all your limbs feel weak and heavy like someone pumped them full of lead and it is hard to move and all you want to do is curl up and cry somewhere dark and quiet. When your thoughts feel slow and you can feel yourself sinking into the void. When you try and speak but the words come out too slowly and end up slurring because it is too much effort to speak normally. When you feel exhausted but too sad to sleep so you just lay there listening to the same sad song on repeat. When it feels like you have already failed at life even though you know life doesn’t work that way. When you lay there heavy wishing to disappear because it hurts too much to stay but you are so weak and heavy that you can’t even get up to make yourself disappear.

[mylittlemesseduphead]

Having a psychotic illness is like living in 2 different worlds all the time only sometimes they merge and you can’t tell which bit belongs in which world. It is like the worlds are on each side of a thin line you are forced to walk down and sometimes you fall off the line and into one side or the other and spend some time there and see the sights but then it is back to the fine line to continue your journey never allowed to stay in either for too long and never fully accepted into either because your place is back on that thin line. It is like being held at a distance from everyone and everything because you don’t fit you are not like them in either world you can interact with them but you are never one of them.

[mylittlemesseduphead]

Being told you are treatment resistant is kind of crushing and relieving at the same time. On the one hand it explains why the meds don’t just magically make things go away but it is also exhausting to think you will have to live like this forever never fully being allowed to just exist in either world peacefully knowing it will always be some sort of fight.

[mylittlemesseduphead]

Psychotic people deserve to have their experiences heard and validated just as much as anyone else does.

[mylittlemesseduphead]

Mental illness and dumb are NOT synonymous people with mental illnesses can be highly intelligent but not all people with mental illnesses are super geniuses either. Just like neurotypical people, mentally ill people come in all shapes, sizes and levels of ability. Do not judge people by the stereotypes that plague their condition. 

[mylittlemesseduphead]

It is mental health month

lets hope this year people with things other than depression and anxiety are also included in the discussions. 

[mylittlemesseduphead]

people really love to talk about how strong you are and how resilient you are instead of helping to make a world where you don’t have to be either of those things. 

[mylittlemesseduphead]

It is ok if you are tired and you need a break, if you are sad and need to cry, if you are hurting and need it to stop. You are important, you are loved, you are perfectly ok being yourself. This world is hard to live in and that isn’t your fault you are trying your best and that is the best you can do. You deserve support from others and you deserve to support yourself and your own dreams. If you are exhausted and weary you can take a break you don’t need permission survival is your right the world will still be here when you are ready to come back to it.

[mylittlemesseduphead]

Being severely mentally ill in high school and not knowing what was going on can be kind of traumatic, some of the things I did and said when I was really manic or psychotic in particular were super embarrassing and those memories will haunt me forever. Also being a weird kid and not being able to explain why to your peers at a time when their opinions matter most to you is very isolating. Some of my behavior was very odd or off putting to friends and peers and I didn’t realize at the time and it really had an impact on my ability to make close friendships with them because who wants to hang around or be associated with the weird kid. But is was also draining on the ones that did put up with it and that damaged the friendships I did have. I can’t go back in time but not knowing what was going on and why I keep doing certain things and having certain experiences has left me with some scars.

[mylittlemesseduphead]

If you think your doctor isn’t listening to you, or is minimising your problems or is just a shit doctor, there is a good chance you are right. Doctors are humans too and sometimes they suck at their jobs. It is ALWAYS ok to get a second opinion. You don’t have to put up with shitty care just because they have a qualification.