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pink web graphics, folders, and icons 𑄽♡୧ by Heyvoz (2011)

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Me: please God, my dad just recovered from cancer, can I have a nice rest of the year?

God: lmao, your school tries to get rid of your housing, your classes suck, you get sick multiple times, your car breaks down, your credit card gets stolen, your chronic illness that was in remission returns, your computer breaks down, and half the food you eat now tastes like plastic to you. Have fun with that champ.

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Off but instead of purifying the demons its me getting rid of every sensory feeling I can while makin my way to the lightswitch to finally get my brain to stop trying to tear my eyeballs and skin off

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To the companies of Nintendo and Valve, thank you for being some of the few gaming companies that still produce handheld consoles for me to use. Because sometimes its nice to have something to do while bedridden that isnt just doomscroll or look up at the ceiling, and I live in a space where there really isn't enough room for me to mount a tv near my bed.

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I remember I took a fashion class once to learn how to drape, and I told the professor that while I liked sewing and this is a good general skill to have, I'd probably never use it because I'd never have the money to buy a mannequin.

And she'd look at me funny when I said that. And to some extent I get it. You can get plenty of mannequins for cheap, right? You can even get them on amazon.

But if you're plus sized, thats suddenly a whole different story.

I am relatively small for someone classified as fat. I am someone who generally fits into a 1x or 2x near perfectly. A lot of it isnt even fat, its muscle. Usually my only problem is the items are a little short on me. And yet, even in that classroom, a place where learning should come first and bias should be left at the door, there was one dressform that properly be qualified as my size, and it was still too small. The only one they had big enough had too large a waist and yet not large enough shoulders, but it was the only one we theoretically could build up to be the proper size. We were promised we would be able to pad those dressform to match our figures, but were never given the time.

In order to buy an an average dressform, it only costs about $20-30 usd. To buy one for plus sizes, even an unadjudtable one, the price suddenly skyrockets to over $100. And thats not accounting for the money you have to have to have someplace large enough where you can keep a dressform or mannequin. I took this in college and I can tell you: our dorms were fucking tiny, moreso if you got a single, and unless you and your roommate were both fashion design majors, a roommate in a double probably wouldnt appreciate you taking up the much coveted extra space with a mannequin. Sewing has always been a hobby of mine, but it just became even more clear that semester that there is an inherent class boundary and fatfobia in fashion, and I fucking hate it. I felt miserable in that room even though I usually dont even have any problems with my appearance. I constantly felt like I was being punished for not having a smaller frame. I can only imagine how hellish it would be for someone larger than me, the people who wear 3, 4, 5, 6x and more. How it would feel for the people who have to go specifically to specialty shops or sew all their clothes themselves to find things that will look nice on them.

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A lot of people talk about pokemon edibility, but I dont think I hear enough people talking about what we really need to discuss

Cookie run edibility. Some of these have legitamate reasoning while others were categorized silly, but I feel justified in ny stances.

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PREFACE: I AM A JAIDEN ANIMATIONS FAN, THIS IS NOT MEANT TO BE A HATE POST OR ANYTHING OF THE SORT, ITS JUST MY SUBJECTIVE FEELINGS AND SORT OF MUSINGS

Watched jaidenanimation's new video earlier today, and Im torn. Cause on one hand I feel really happy for her for having made it to 10 years, and I understand the desire to do something else after having done a job for a while, to just relax and be yourself and possibly even rediscover yourself. But also the life she described after youtube is just not a realistic one, even for normal people. Part of the reason the job market is so utterly dogshit is because they work really hard to try and pidgeonhole you into certain positions and actively punish you for going against it. An increasing number of companies are requiring 2-3 years work experience for entry level positions (I wish I was kidding). They don't like it when your most recent job was in a different industry, even if it was for college. And any sort of gap in employment is blamed upon your laziness and lack of work ethic.

And colleges get increasingly pickier about your qualifications and if you should get money the older you are because they want that space youre taking up for some 18 year olds who don't know how to bargain or finacially plan well. My college has a secondary college specifically for "adults" (people over 22). Ive only met about 10 people over 22 in classes, and all of them were seeking masters, doctorates, or work certifications. I have only ever met 2 people over 30 who I took classes with, one seeking a masters while the other was working towards getting a work certification. There are people out there who get bachelors late or second ones after their first set, but they are a rare breed, and often times they either have to have a lot of money on hand or have to be willing to go into debt.

And if you go the self owned buisness route, you have the exact same problem that jaiden complained about with youtube, which is that it never actually leaves your mind, it is always there, a shadow at the edge of your vision.

I just, I dunno, I love Jaiden's content and I'm really happy for her, and I think its kinda sweet she idolizes the simple life. But I also think this video sort of epitomizes the fact that the people who got to make youtube a full time job sort of believe they live in a different world totally separate from ours, and they don't really know what normal is, at least not at the point jaiden's at. It felt like when cottagecore was really popular and people talked about the ideal of "the simple life" or when people were obsessed with van life and a bunch of people then had to come out and say "NO, ITS NOT ALL SUNSHINE AND ROSES". Youtube is a job that changes your lifestyle, but so is... any job. My friend whos gonna start student teaching next semester feels like they can't swear anymore or else theyre gonna slip up. My friend who works as an auctioneer basically has no time for his social life anymore. I constantly have work and college looming in my mind, and I've been repeatedly told to be prepared to dedicate all my time to my work since Im going into a stem field. Its all just sort of a part of growing up and taking on adult life. It's just all work in one form or another. It's incredibly difficult to genuinely retire at a young age now adays so if you want to no longer do a job you're going to have to switch instead. And there is no shame in wanting a job change, but it is always important to recognize what such a change will entail and if you're willing to undergo the hardship you will have to endure to get any sort of reward from it. So... yeah.

Tldr: Jaiden's new 10 year anniversary video reminded me that people really do think the grass is greener on the other side.

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Having dentalwear is weird, cause Ive lost my retainers and cant find them, and so I put on the spares my orthodontist made me way back when, but they don't feel right because the old ones that I was sort of informed were permanent and would help keep my mouth in shape molded to my mouth as much as my mouth molded to it. Like, the outer side of it is too smooth, it hasnt been scratched by me placing it down in random places, or accidentally chewing food with them on, or just general erosion from years of being bathed in saliva and the occasional stomach acid. They feel tight because they havent been put on over and over every day with the teeth having slightly shifted again and again every time in a different position. It feels tight on the permanent wire in my mouth, and I cant remember if these were molded before or after the wire just popped off one day so they had to put it back.

Its just one of those things where you kinda realise how much wear and tear you've given an object.

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My friend who told me a horrible secret thats really bad and mean to the rest of my friend group several weeks ago, and only me: ah man, this is great, I feel such a weight off my chest, I dont wanna burn the bridge but I dont really wanna talk to them again

Me, slowly descending into madness:

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Its weird, seeing something thats been probably one of the longest lasting forms of social interaction in my life slowly crumble.

Ive been in this friend group for 6 years. Which is kind of depressing that some of the longest lasting friendships I have are there, but there you go. Its been that kind of life. And the group was formed as a dnd group. And the guy that was our dm has taken an indefinite hiatus. And I dmed him just to check in and he told me a lot of stuff, including the fact that as of now, he has no intention of coming back, but he'd at least like to remain friends with me.

Its a very surreal thing to be told youre one of, if not the best friend in a friend group. Partially because I have such low self wsteem I'd never believe it. And theres some part of me that wants to believe it could have turned out better, that the group could have all stuck together, but theres a bigger part of me that realises that if I was already the best, theres nothing I could have done to improve the chances of him staying.

Am I sad that I'll never see the end of the campaigns I'd been playing for years? Yeah. But I'd be lying if I hadn't said with the language he said while first taking that hiatus that I hadn't already expected it. He had already given up on his own campaigns. But what I'm hurt more by is that if I hadnt been proactive and reached out, exactly what I feared would happen would, which is that my friend would abandon me, and never explain why he never came back.

Cause hes only told me of his intentions, because I dmed him. He hasnt told literally anyone else. And now Im in this interesting spot where I could break it to the rest of the group but potentially violate this mans wishes, or I stay silent but live with the fact everyone else is living with a hope that is for certain false.

It just sort of sucks.

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shout out to everyone who participated in the january-february mass depressive episode

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I feel constant anxiety my friends dont actually like me. I know I can be a bit finicky at times but it feels like theyre constantly upset with me, and anytime they tell me otherwise just makes me feel worse because either theyre lying or they didnt notice what I did that was clearly a faux pas to me. Maybe its just the autism and the inability to read into things causing me to over read into things, but... Idunno. They were a closed friend group before I came along. I was invited in for dnd. And more and more it feels like a bunch of the people dont really care about the dnd and want to hang out with the other people in person, or add people who wouldnt even be in the campaign, they just want fhe rest of the old friend group there and... I dont know. It feels like Im not wholy welcome anymore. And these are some of the only friend groups I have. And I know if I bring this up they'll either get mad and say Im accusing them of things or they'll try to reassure me and say this has never happened but. Ive been in this exact scenario before. I know how it ends. Outsiders arent welcome. It starts with this and then Im not invited to stuff I could have been invited to, and suddenly I dont know half of whats going on, and then when something convenient comes up to do so they just... break all contact. And I never see them again. Maybe one or two of them will waltz back into my life years later trying to get something from me, but like. I know I dont actually matter to anyone. Thats why I started changing myself for evrry friend group. To become what people want. What people will keep around. But I let the mask slip too far and now no one wants me. Though to be fair, they never wanted the actual, 100% genuine me.

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Fellas, is it gay to enjoy talking to someone about their special interest even though it is not one you share, purely because you know it brings them genuine joy and that joy makes you happy?

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I constantly feel sick these days. I constantly want to cry. My friends rely on me as the therapist friend, they tell me their struggles and I am expected to respond. They only like it when I tell them what they want to hear, giving them the right response. But I dont have a response anymore, they arent asking for questions they want answers to, they dont genuinely want comfort with, they just want something to argue with to make a point. I have outlived my usefulness and am now merely a punching bag. It doesnt help that I have my own problems and I want to tell them, I want to tell them so bad because it was supposed to be a give and take relationship, and its really important stuff that they have a right to know, but I know if I tell them they will then clam up about their problems and they will blame my problems on themselves making their problems worse in a viscious cycle I can not escape from. I have been set up to lose. I constantly feel nauseous. I know the most healthy thing to do in this instance is distance myself from the situation for a couple days, but then they'll think I abandoned them, and that will make the situation infinitely worse. They say happiness is impossible, does that mean they gained no joy from our friendship? In saying that, am I not a failure as well? If I say that they'll say Im being agressive and an asshole. I cant anymore, I just cant, Im teetering on the precipice and the people who I cared about have confirmed what I knew all along, that they dont care ablut me, and are now shoving me in an attempt to get to the cliffs edge so they can leap. Every time I think I can relax they message and signal that theyre about to do something horrible, and all the attention that was going to go into trying to solve my problems is going into trying to plug the ship that the captain is purposefully shooting more holes into. They refuse to seek actual medical help, they dont have the money and they dont wanna go into medical debt. I feel really bad. I dont know what to do anymore. I just needed to make this alt so I could scream into the void.