nothanksbi - Tumblr blog

[nothanksbi]

Some days it's easier to act like you're a friend. Even if I accidentally flirt with you while talking to you, it's easy enough to cover up sensibly. You tease me, I tease you back, I challenge you, you declare that I win - and it's easy enough to tell myself: I was smiling because I was winning, because it was fun.

Today is not such a day. Neither was yesterday.

A tinge of longing keeps hanging at the back of my mind, like it's about to fall off a cliff but refuses to just slip and let go. I ask myself, do I long for you or for the satisfaction of having a lover? Do I long for you or for love? Do I long for you or for the version of you I created in my head? Of course, these are questions I've asked myself about the others before you, too. And the answer has always been, "both." I long for a lover that has your kindness, warmth, ready wit. I long for a love that is simple, clear, calm; a love that you seem capable of. I long for the version of you that you show me, the version of you I have seen, the version of you that might just be the version you really are. Maybe I am too desperate, too lonely, too impatient, too enthusiastic, too straightforward...but haven't I always been?

The question is, do you think I'm too much? Or not enough? Or lovely but not equal to the person of your dreams? Or you've simply never seen me that way, even though I told you I liked you all those months ago?

How many more of "you" must I go through, before I find which one is meant to stay? How much longer before I give up and do something I might regret? When does it end? When does it end? When does it end, so my heart can finally be at peace?

[nothanksbi]

Hey, wasn't I supposed to stop liking you by now? Why did you have to go ahead and make prolonged eye contact with me three times in two hours, then? Of course, three times means something because it's more than zero, right?

It hurts so bad when I look at how things are right now between us. You hardly look at me at all. You don't even talk to me, no more phone calls, no more soft hellos and joking around. One accidental eye contact when something funny happened and we laughed while looking at each other a few days ago - I don't even remember what happened - but that's it. You know I'm around but you don't even say hi, our texts have turned completely dry, I decided I wouldn't pursue you anymore but I can't stop looking and I don't know why. Maybe I'm desperate. Maybe I'm not ready to accept that you don't like me. Maybe I've accepted it but I hate that that's how it is, and I'm hoping something will change. I used to keep talking about how good it felt to be around you; now I keep talking about how you completely ignore the fact that I exist when I'm physically around. Unless you need to interact with me, of course.

Earlier today I saw you hanging out with your buddy again. Yes, the one I keep hoping isn't your boyfriend. You two kept hanging around, you facing the other way, him facing me. Or the crowd in general, because I was in the front row at the corner of the crowd. You were there, but he came to show me where to go. You were there, but he said bye when I was going back home. You didn't say congratulations when I got felicitated this time - no running around the ground this time, no calling out my name and taking a minute to talk. No smile, no handshake, no small talk, no complaining about the Department. Hell, like I said, you didn't even look at me today. And now I'm heartbroken all over again, pretending I'm on the verge of being heartbroken so I can still give myself the illusion that I am still in control.

Once, just once, I need you to tell me to my face what you really feel about me. But do I dare to ask? And do you dare to confess?

[nothanksbi]

Fine, I admit it.

"Love is kind, love is patient, love is..." Blah blah blah. Not when you're desperately craving for it. Not when you see the person you like considering other people as a much more "realistic" option than you. Not when you hardly know the person and they do things which make you swoon and you can never really know if they were actually directed at you or if they're just a very nice person. Not when it's taking you all of your effort to remind yourself that it's actually about the closeness, the relationship, not about this person. Not when you're not even sure if it is love, in a world that refuses to agree on a single definition of love.

The canyon is back again. He casually mentioned dating apps today as something he has been wanting to try out, and I am pissed. I know he's not at fault, I know he isn't obligated to like me back. But right now, I feel like I don't want to see him ever again, even though I'm going to see him in about eight hours.

So all those sweet gestures, those unnecessarily long phone calls where we constantly drifted off-topic multiple times, those times when you waited for me when you absolutely didn't have to, none of those actually meant anything personal, then. In the romantic sense, of course. And you continue to do those things, knowing that I like you.

I don't know if you know, but every time you do it I am filled with new hope. Hope that maybe you are looking at me after all. Hope that maybe waiting for this semester to end isn't such a bad idea after all. Hope that you won't be such a bad idea after all. And more than every once in a while, you do something that makes it undeniably clear that the fact that I like you doesn't even matter, never did, and probably never will.

Fine, then. I'll go away from you, as much as I can.

[nothanksbi]

I've been meaning to write about you again. More honestly, a friend has been telling me to write about you again. I'd love to do that, of course, yet you confuse me so much I'm never sure whether I'm writing because I like you or because I want you to like me back.

Either way, here I am again, because you called me tonight. Once again, it was something you could have told me over text. Once again, you called instead and we ended up talking for much, much longer than necessary. You were so tired it was obvious in your first "hello" - and I'm sort of glad you didn't try to hide it from me. You were so human I wanted to pull you through the phone and hug you tight. But of course, that is not realistic just yet.

So there you were, talking to me on your way to the stationary shop. I pictured you walking with one hand in the pocket of your jeans, the other holding your phone as you talked to me, looking at the road in front of you as you secretly smiled (and then freely laughed) at the things that I said. I pictured you with your hair soft and slightly ruffled, your glasses still sitting on your nose like they had been all day, your t-shirt - white with a pocket on the left, I don't know why - loosely hugging your body, your gait unhurried, like you wanted to stay a little longer, like you didn't want to reach the stationary shop after all. Of course, I might be wrong and you might still be in your formal attire, tired from a long day of work. Of course, this conversation might be just another conversation you've had with someone today. But I like the way it looks in my head, and I like the way it feels to believe for a second that it could be true.

And then...something happened. I shared a moment from my life before, silence followed, and you decided to end the conversation. I worry whether I said too much, or made you feel too much, or you simply got that work call you had been waiting for. I worry I may have pushed you away, just like those others, even though right now you are much more to me than any of them has ever been. We haven't met in more than a week, and I worry it might be a few more before we meet again. And that makes me wonder - do you call me because you're too lazy to text, or because you miss the sound of my voice? Do your conversations with everyone last as long as they do with me? Are we ever going to talk about us after all?

Tell me, what's it gonna be?

[nothanksbi]

I'm too scared to ask you whether you like me, you know.

I've thought about so many possibilities. I ask and you say no, and we have to spend the rest of the semester being awkward around each other - and you're one of the only people I see regularly. I ask and you say no, and I recover from the heartbreak but eventually you do like me, and this time your heart gets broken. I ask and you say no, and you're lying, and we both break in a way we don't know how to come back from. I ask and you say yes, and we can't get together, and it just breaks my heart to have this glass wall between us, and you're the one that got away. I ask and you say yes, and we get together, but we can't tell anyone or you lose things you've worked so hard to earn. I ask and you say yes, and we manage to get together when the grey time ends, and it's time for me to go far, far away.

I don't know why, but I keep imagining things between us ending in doom. I know that cannot possibly be a list of literally every single possibility for us, but the part of the list I see is frightening. Maybe real life holds something better for us; maybe we do get together sooner or later; maybe we don't, and it turns out we were meant to raise each other's standards and then just go our separate ways in life. Either way, the place I am right now feels like it's trembling - and if the trembling doesn't stop soon, I'm going to lose control.

True, I barely know you, and you barely know me. Also true, people often fall in love at first sight and get better futures than people who spend years together before getting married. Do you know what I mean? Does any of this make sense? All I want is for you to just tell me. What is it? Do you like me or not? Do you like me or not? Don't make me ask - can you just tell me? Or is it too much to ask?

[nothanksbi]

You look at me like you know it's going to cause trouble; you look at me when we laugh like it's one of those things in life you never want to let go. You look at me when you talk to the entire group, then you realise you've been looking at me for too long and break eye contact, just to come back to me in a second or two. You look at me when I talk, when I laugh, when I crack the most pathetic joke you've ever heard in your life. You look at me when I'm not looking - I hope you do, because my friend tells me it's true. You look at me like you're curious, like you want to know every detail. You call me instead of text, then stay for much longer than necessary, just because you want to, just because I want to, just because it's nice.

And then when we're alone, you don't look at me and it's the most infuriating thing in the world. You don't say a word yet you match my pace when we go to the parking lot. You don't look at me when it's just us in the elevator - there's this tension in the air between us that seems impossible to tolerate. You don't look at me when you tell me to remind you of something in case you forget, and you always forget, and I always remind you.

You look at me when I call you, but not when we cross paths in the university. You look at me when you tell everyone what happened, why you're sick, but not when someone else reveals these things about you. You look at me when I stare at you because I want to tell you something - you always know - but not when it's time to go.

You look at me less than I dream of; you look at me more than you'd care to admit. And yet, every single time...

...you look at me, and I come undone.

[nothanksbi]

I'm so tired of the canyon between us. I'm so tired of the ambiguity. I'm so tired that you won't say a word, at least just yet, at least for a few more months.

Yesterday I saw you looking with curiosity the whole time as I talked to someone while you were there. Today I saw you just enter a room as I left, then enter the corridor as I left. Yesterday I saw you pausing for a split second when you found me in the classroom, but I couldn't look too long or I'd forget what I was writing. Today you almost missed me and didn't even slow down to say hi - so quick I wondered if you wanted to run and hide. What do I believe? You know what I feel. Do you understand? Did I make it too simple, did I not let you in deep enough to make you understand?

My friend says you've definitely got a thing for me, you're just too shy and bound by responsibility to show it out loud. Should I believe her? Should I believe the girl who sees you more than I do, who accidentally matches outfits with you all the time, who charms everyone she meets in a heartbeat? Or should I believe the voice in my head, which tells me I'm being so silly, so obsessed, such a teenager? Shut up, I'm an adult. I've tried so hard not to start wondering if you like me back; it would be unfair - I never really asked you in the first place. But is it a crime to hope?

I don't want to go down the rabbit hole of "has he seen my stories yet? Did he laugh when he saw them? Will he remember what he's seen in my stories, or is he just tap-tap-tapping through?" You're not that guy. You're the nice guy. You pay attention, you remember, you care. Of course you saw them, of course you laughed, of course you'll remember when I ask you - you did when I asked you the last time. That's not the point.

The point is...well. You tell me.

[nothanksbi]

I smile as I write this: You used to be so playful around me, when it was just the two of us. Something's changed, hasn't it?

I've seen you catch me looking at you, and again when I look back to confirm you were indeed looking at me. I've instinctively turned to you when our supervisor brought that mug to lunch and kept filling it up with sambar over and over again - and more than once you've instinctively turned to me too, and we've shared a smile that says everything. I haven't seen you look at me when I called my mother to ask if I can stay longer, but I've felt your gaze on me and your anticipation while you waited for her verdict with me. I've noticed you don't talk first anymore - that one's on me, I'm always trying to fill the silence so you don't find out how I feel while always wishing you did. I've noticed that you listen, you always listen, even when it looks like you didn't. (Yes, I know you laughed when I said "whaaat, that was such a good bad joke!") I've noticed you get all awkward when you couldn't open the fancy lid of the water bottle near me, then you couldn't close it when you were done, and again when you wanted the paan sitting in front of me and didn't know how to ask. I don't even need to say your name when I want to get your attention - I turn to look at you, and I have you less than a second later. You walk me back outside to my car, even though your bike waits for you in the other direction. I'm trying to be realistic, to not read into things too much...but I'm right this time, am I not?

You remind me of the ocean, when it's low tide. Hardly anything on your face, but you're probably burning with life inside. I know, the situations in which we meet don't allow you to show yourself too much. And yet, every once in a while, your eyes meet mine and I can't help the smile spreading on my face anymore. Next time we meet, I'm planning to not be so afraid anymore, to just give you a glimpse of how I feel. Will you take me deeper into your ocean too?

[nothanksbi]

Thrice a week I get to hear the sound of your voice, twice a week I get to see you, maybe once a week if I'm lucky I get to touch you or see you smile at something I say.

It's a new crush, I know, but when has that ever stopped me from fantasising about someone? And no, I don't mean the whole hot sweaty no-nos in bed all day...I mean the sweet nothings that movies and series have romanticised so much only my parents seem to live up to those standards.

You're probably my age, maybe just a few months older - I haven't asked you yet. But somehow you graduated before me and now, of course, you're technically my teacher. I've said this last bit so many times during the last two weeks, hoping this one detail will save me from yet another heartbreak. I've started to reason why you're probably not interested in me (of course you wouldn't be) and why I shouldn't even think about you anymore (of course I shouldn't) and what if, just what if, I let myself feel this fully until, just like in the others, I find enough red flags in you to never pursue you after all.

You're a nice guy. No conditions applied. At least as far as I know you, and that's not much. But you're probably a nice guy to everyone, and I'm just a part of everyone. My (in)significance in your world is unknown to me...maybe I'll just look at you from afar, befriend you, maybe go see you over a cup of coffee (maybe chai?) with friends of ours.

But hoping you'll fall in love with me? What, you think I'm crazy?

[nothanksbi]

Hey, most recent ex-best friend.

I just met you again after almost 7 months. Well, probably more. I'm gonna be honest, I imagined so many things before you were finally in front of me. That even after we fought, we would go back to accepting and loving each other the way we did before. That maybe we would even fall in love, the way it happens in movies. That all would be forgiven, even if not forgotten. But the moment I saw you, I knew we were over.

Why, you may ask. Because we're no longer the people we pledged our friendship to. Because you'd rather hide your feelings under smoke and drugs and drinks than work through. Because you'd rather act cool and unaffected than show you still care. No, you definitely said you still care, and I guess you showed it too in your own new ways - ways I am not yet familiar with. But no, I don't feel your care anymore.

Maybe you don't want me in your life anymore. Maybe I don't want you in mine. At least not the way it used to be. But I know the person that you are, deep inside. I know you're a gem of a person and you don't really deserve the things that broke you so. You never did. And I know I've lost the right to say this, and I know you won't believe me when I say it, but I love you, I really do. I wish, all the time, that I could go back and listen when you were saying things to me. I wish I could prevent your coccoon from ever being built. I wish I could have been the light at the end of your tunnel...but looking at you that day, talking to you that day, I know for a fact that that's never gonna happen. I wish you all the best...but most of all, I wish you love. For yourself, for others, from yourself, and from others. And I hope that will be enough.

[nothanksbi]

I guess I really am too stupid when it comes to love.

Just yesterday we were discussing in class how it's never "love at first sight" but only "attraction at first sight" because love is too deep an emotion to develop at first sight. So I thought, have I found my attraction at first sight yet? And I thought, no - you were my attraction at third sight, and right now you're not supposed to be my attraction at any sight. Because you're taken. Then I heard rumours. And I convinced myself, maybe I had a chance. And I confronted you, the only thing I do best, and ended up re-breaking my own heart. I mean, someone as handsome and caring as you is anyway not prone to just jumping from one person to another.

What was I thinking, trying to grab you the moment I thought you were single again? Who does that? And exactly how desperate am I that I started confronting you by hinting that I think you like me? I'll admit - I'm still too embarrassed to admit this, but still - so far, only three people have actually found me worth pursuing and I even pushed them away. I'll also admit I'm starting to think I'm a fool for believing any romantic love is meant for me. Because let's be honest, I'm always either a little too much or just not enough. Plus always scared of commitment. And out of the 7 billion on the planet, I'm still waiting for my attraction at first sight...and I'm still waiting to be someone's attraction at first sight (of course, they better not be an idiot).

Does any of this make sense? Guess I should stop trying to make sense, and then it will.

[nothanksbi]

Of course you had to start dating someone else.

[nothanksbi]

There's not much new to say, really. So I'll just say what I keep thinking about when I think about you.

I love it, you know, when you send me sunset pictures and videos, when you tell me you thought of me, when you bring me lil trinkets from places you visit. I don't know the reason you treat me so well - do you like me or do you want to keep me in your life platonically? - so I don't know if I should bring you lil trinkets too. I hear rumours of people seriously flirting with you, of you liking them back, but I don't know what to believe. We haven't talked this past week when I was away, but your texts aren't tiny so I know you still want me around. Do you know I care? Do you know I keep telling myself this might all just be in my head? Are you the one or are you going to be just another lesson? Am I attracted to you or just the way you make me feel - is it you or is it the feeling?

Did you mean it when you said - no, insisted, even teased me a bit - that we are going out for a movie that time? Do you see me as me or someone who might just need you every now and then? We instinctively look at each other when there's a dirty joke in the air, I know you look at me sometimes too, but do you...see me?

[nothanksbi]

Must you confuse me so?

[nothanksbi]

There's intimacy in knowing what it feels like to hold your hand. It enlivens me yet scares me - what if you're not feeling the same about it?

As I'm writing this, you're sending me reels nonstop. I know you're thinking about me, I know I now hold an important place in your life. I know I do matter to you, enough for you to ask me how my day was and demand details - something you reserve only for those closest to your heart. And here I am, still afraid to find out what it all means. It's silly, but not unreasonable, because what if you suddenly unveil a secret girlfriend you've been dating for a long, long time? Maybe I'm paranoid, maybe I'm thinking too much compared to how close we really are...and I hope I won't have to continue living in this confusion for very long.

Tell me you like me, tell me you love me, tell me I'm something you've been dreaming and hoping and consciously wishing for. I'll be right here till you do.

[nothanksbi]

Today we held hands again.

I know, I know, it wasn't even two full seconds, but you can't measure how you feel based on how long something lasts. Recently it's been harder and harder to remember you might just be doing and saying certain things simply because you feel more comfortable around me, as a friend you're starting to really trust. I'm trying to remember all of you instead of just the parts of you which bring butterflies to my stomach, so if I continue to like you, I know I'm not deceiving myself, I know I really do like you just as you are. And today, when I offered my hand and was expecting something of a half-clap awkward handhold, you did exactly what I was secretly wishing for - that you'd just hold my hand like it was second nature. It lasted for hardly more than a second, but it felt like eternity.

I dared not look at you with that stupid grin on my face. I know I've been trying to drop hints, but what if I become too obvious and you find out exactly what you do to me? (And really, what if you find out? Isn't that exactly what I want?) So I offered you my hand and focussed my attention on the dog in front of us, wishing you'd hold my hand and willingly so. I wanted to see if you were looking at me or avoiding eye contact just like I was. I wanted to see if you had turned all red again, the way you do when (I think) you're laughing and blushing at something I said. But I knew if I turned, I'd give myself away.

So when the moment ended, I went straight ahead to pet the dog. And there you were, looking at me, half smiling half trying to hide that smile...that damn smile. Do you know how hard you're making it for me to not fall for you every time we meet? As if that wasn't enough, after we entered the classroom after that, consciously or not, you seemed to stick around me all day till you decided to go back home because college today was shit. It was so hard for me to not turn around and look at you, because you were right fucking there, all cute and grumpy from boredom, red as tomatoes with frustration because (like I wrote earlier) college today was shit. You played with my bottle of water because you were bored. You played with the wheels of my wheelchair too. You looked like you wanted to start a conversation with me so many times, but something held you back. I looked at you all day today...I looked at you till I thought I had reached the limit of being obvious. And all the while I couldn't stop thinking about the way you held my hand almost as soon as we met today.

I know I'm falling, and I can't help it...I don't want to help it. But are you falling too?

[nothanksbi]

The other day I scolded you when you got defensive about the simple four-letter adjective, 'cute'. I agreed with you: you're not the cuddly kind of cute, but so many of the other meanings of it fit you so perfectly!

The way you turn all red and have to press something cold onto your ears to cool down. The way you turn all red when you see me in the room, especially that day when it was just us, for the first time. The way you look at professors like they are crazy when you don't understand something they said. The way you (don't) participate in group conversations, just sit there and look and listen. The way you smile.

The way you smile when someone says or does something stupid. The way you smile when you're thinking of something so offensive you know it'll break friendships if you say it out loud. The way you smile at me when we talk. The way you smile at me when we make the same dirty joke out of thin air and lock eyes across the room. The way you smile when you see someone share precious moments you may never admit to actually having warmed your heart. The way you smiled when someone was hitting on you incessantly and we locked eyes and exchanged an unsaid, implied joke. The way you smile when the college dogs come up to you for pets. The way you smile when the college dogs come up to me for pets. The way you laugh.

The way you laugh when your friends are all teasing each other. The way you laughed when I shared silly stories from my life. The way you laugh in a room full of people - guarded, yet reaching your eyes. The way you laugh with only your friends around - interspersed with nods and head shakes. The way you laughed when it was just us - with your whole body, loosening up, slightly nervous. The way I wish to hear you laugh again, because I've forgotten it and want to hear it for the first time again.

The way you touch my hand. The first time - me offering my hand, grabbing yours and looking away; you slowly tightening your grip on mine. The fist bumps everytime we see each other. The time our hands brushed when I gave you my phone to show you something, then when you handed it back to me. The way I long to intertwine my fingers with those of another - with yours.

The way you care. The way you listened to me when I was going through a tough time and reassured me. The way you kept looking at me from across the room to make sure I was okay, getting better. The way you always help me up the stairs with a grip more sure than anyone else I've met before. The way you respect the limits I set with you about your dark humour. The way you sent me more pictures when I told you the sunset you sent me looked so beautiful. And then another one not long ago, out of the blue, because you thought (knew?) I'd like it.

If I were to tell you, after all this, what I mean when I say you're other kinds of cute, I mean 'cute' is not wrong - it's just not enough for what I think of you. You're heartwarming, thoughtful, silly, kind, sometimes innocent, sometimes intense, adorable, endearing, a warm blanket and candles on a cold, dark, snowy, stormy night. You are not the fireplace - you don't radiate warmth and light like that. You need to see someone really is warm at heart, so you can hold them, comfort them, comfort yourself in the process, to the best of your abilities - and I just think that's a lot of hidden, raw love.