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“donald trump does a lot for the country!” well gasoline does a lot for tomato soup so excuse me if i still need him to fuck off to purgatory

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Hey kids guess who’s got

✨Crippling Depression ✨

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A short list of things to say to justify whatever Stupid Thing you are doing currently:

- For legal purposes - The gods decreed it - I’m gay

Feel free to add more

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What part of go to sleep at a normal hour don’t you get

So a big group of us is going on this mini vacation right?

There are two rooms, four beds, and seven people. The four guys take one room, the three ladies take the other. The ladies, being reasonable humans, decide sleeping arrangements based on who and who doesn’t kick in their sleep. The guys, being dramatic, are deciding which two of them get beds and then which of the remaining two will sleep in the closet, while the other sleeps on the floor.

Over lunch, as the ladies are telling the guys how stupid that is, the professor on the trip with us is staying quiet, slowly eating his salad with a slightly amused look.

“What?” One of the guys demands when the professor is obviously smirking.

The professor chews his salad. He twirls his fork. “I don’t know about you, but I think there’s something ironic about sleeping in a closet to avoid sharing a bed with another man.”

Ladies and gentlemen and vaguely humanoid shapes of this universe: I present to you the best one-liner I have ever had the pleasure of witnessing

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Consider: a dystopian world where robots have taken over and when doing things online you have to take an “I’m not a human” test

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Alndjdjqndmd I’m fucking dying this is like more coherent than some of his actual rallies

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My high school English prof, trying to normalize sex cause a bunch of seventeen year olds can’t seem to say the word without giggling like dumbasses: sex is a natural part of human existence and it’s not something you should be afraid of discussing

Me, an asexual: okay look I appreciate the thought but could we not label sex as a definitive human trait

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I mad agree with this.

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Being an adult means you and your brother can sleep until one pm only to wake up and make an unnecessary amount of chocolate milkshake for lunch and no one can stop you

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*cocks shotgun* yeah I’m openin’ a’up

Knock-a knock! Open the door! Itsa me!

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What is it about upper middle class white people that they feel the need to put a tastefully ragged, possibly beach-themed, three foot tall sign that says “Welcome” and/or their family’s last name on their front porch. Like. What is the point.

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I love the child so much

Ghost crab

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Ah I love classic children’s tales because they aren’t traumatizing at all - good basic morals like: “adhere to capitalism or you will be burned alive and your remains will be used to construct a more obidient servent of society.”

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me, a gentile, completely engrossed in a very long thread in which several Jewish tumblr users draw on the tenets, laws, and philosophies of Judaism to support their claims in a debate about whether it would be okay for a dragon to light a candle with its own fiery breath on the sabbath

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On today’s episode of Am I Physically Ill or do I Just Have Extreme Anxiety we welcome guest star from Am I a Bad Person or am I Just Really Tired

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people are like “why are you reading fanfic aus if you want a whole new story why not just go get a completely original one?” like no pal you don’t understand. I want new content but I do not have the brainspace to become emotionally attached to a whole new set of people. Like pal. I don’t want meet anyone new. I don’t wanna have to learn people’s personalities and traits and appearances i just wanna jump right into the plot none of this introduction shit