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polaroid-steam-room · 11 days

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@polaroid-steam-room : 'Something with Imposter and Nagito, maybe talking about identity stuff? At least I’d feel like it’d make for a unique and kinda comforting convo between the two! Ok this ended up way less comforting than you probably wanted I'm sorry AHGUAEGHUEG m(__)m. I do want to explore that type of conversation with them post canon, buuuut i want to save it for a later date hehe :3c but! I still thought they could've had an interesting dynamic in game, especially in the first chapter. I realised its kind of weird Imposter didn't see through Komaeda's ruse, all things considered, so explored that instead. I hope it still sort of hits what u wanted!!!!!!!! thank u for suggesting these two. Getting into Imposter's head and thinking about them a bit more seriously was acc rlly fun!! <3 I hope u like it <3

There was comfort in control.

Maybe that comfort was the reason they chose to wear someone as commanding and imperious as the Ultimate Affluent Progeny.

Komaeda Nagito was a nebulous personality. Most of the others had been easy to read from the second they said ‘hi’. Even someone like Hinata Hajime, who had forgotten so much more about himself than the rest of them had, was an open and well-worn book to them. They could’ve perfected his presentation in a second, even without knowledge on what his talent was. But Komaeda had been a bit more difficult than that. He was elusive, keeping to himself if he wasn’t keeping to Hinata’s side.

Normally, unless completely necessary, they wouldn’t bother themselves with trying to untangle a knot as tightly wound as someone like Komaeda. But, with this whole ridiculous mess of a so-called ‘killing game’ they’d been unwillingly entered into…Well, you need a knot to tie a noose.

Komaeda stood off to the side, leaning against a wall, seemingly content to watch the party pass him by. Every now and again, they’d catch his eye twitch towards a table at the back of the room, next to where he stood. It seemed habitual; protective. The way someone would keep watch of their belongings they left at their table at a cafe when they went up to the bar to order.

Again, perhaps in any other situation, they wouldn’t find reason to worry over something so unobtrusive. But from what they could see, there was no reason Komaeda should be so pre-occupied with an empty table. In a situation like this, quirks like that were the most important to keep on top of.

“Komaeda, have you eaten?”

Komaeda acted surprised, even though there was no way he couldn’t have noticed their approach. Muggy eyes wide and blinking clear as they quickly snatched away from that empty table once more.

“Oh, hello Togami!” He smiled gently, and tittered a laugh, “Of course I’ve eaten! How could I pass up the opportunity to try food made for us by an Ultimate like Hanamura?”

They held out a plate towards Komaeda, so filled with food it was a strain to hold with just one hand, “Have another plate, you need it.”

If his back wasn’t already backed against a wall, they were sure Komaeda would’ve taken a step back, “I’m okay, really!” he pleaded, hands up in polite rejection.

“It wasn’t a request.”

They shoved the plate into Komaeda’s chest, and on instinct he grabbed it. He regarded it tentatively, an awkwardly stiff tilt in his shoulders.

“Ah, Koizumi was right. You really are forceful.” He laughed lightly, relaxing a little. Togami wouldn’t react to such a pointless statement, so neither did they. Then, with a tilt of his head, the brightness that on the surface seemed characteristic to Komaeda returned, “But I guess it is to be expected of such a capable leader.”

But Komaeda’s brightness was just that. Surface level. He was good at it. Obviously very practised at it. He wasn’t surprised that no one else seemed to have noticed. Even Togami, they were certain, wouldn’t have noticed. Togami would find him distasteful, annoying, and someone so completely not worth his time that even finding these two words to describe him would be more effort than Togami would believe he deserved.

In any other circumstance, he would’ve stuck to his guns with this characterisation. If he let his own beliefs and intuition bleed into his act, it would reveal the act for what it was. If there was one thing, they could confidently say about themselves, it was that they were good at what they did. The fact that even Hope’s Peak had figured them out to bestow them the title ‘Ultimate Imposter’ was shocking. But he supposed that only spoke to the capabilities of an academy like Hope’s Peak. But this was simply something he just couldn’t ignore.

They would be the first to admit that they had been out of character. If faced with this same situation, they were certain that the real Togami’s actions would have been exactly opposite of their own. Togami was ruthless, selfish, cold, and above all else, a horrible loser and an even worse winner. To someone like Togami, the only thing that really mattered as much as his family’s name was winning. Togami’s, historically, didn’t lose. The Togami heir would not be the end of that streak. No, the real Togami in this situation would be the exact person Monokuma would want in his game, because Togami would play to win, and would not take even a second to care for the people in the game with him.

But they just couldn’t sit comfortably in that role. Despite what he knew of Togami, he couldn’t in good faith look these people in their eyes, people that were supposed to be his classmates, all just as confused and lost and scared as they were and tell them that he would throw them all under the bus if it meant getting off this island and getting back to his work.

Luckily for them, for what they and the rest of their class could remember, none of them knew Togami Byakuya. So, none of them would question their motives for trying so hard to keep all of them safe. After all, when all was said and done, could they really claim the title Ultimate Imposter if they couldn’t even perform a personality out of character in a convincing way?

“Fat is important to keep you alive. In stressful situations like this, eating well is especially important. I don’t want you dying for a reason as pathetic as malnutrition, especially not while I am your leader.”

Komaeda chuckled amicably in place of a response, and accepted the plate completely, giving it another nervous once over. They treated him much the same, their eyes scanning him from the toe of his scuffed brown leather shoes (subtly expensive, understated and unnoticeable if you didn’t know what you were looking at) to the tip of the unruly, curly white mop of his hair (unnatural and unhealthy. All the more so when you caught sight of the pale, blushing, strawberry blonde that lingered in the crook of his neck).

“Plus,” They started, folding their arms. Komaeda stared at him innocently, “It must take up a lot of energy, keeping up this facade you’re performing.”

Komaeda tripped; Togami smirked.

He recovered quickly, in the blink of an eye, smiling awkwardly and titling his head with a disarming curiosity, but they didn’t miss the stiffness that returned in his shoulders,

“Ah, pardon?”

“Don’t make me repeat myself.” Togami replied, cool and just slightly irritated. Then, that harsh, blunt cover fell back, and they looked away, “It's not an issue. I understand. More than you’d know.”

Surprisingly, Komaeda actually seemed to back down a little, his guard dropping an inch, his smile turning wiry, “...I’m not so sure about that.”

Despite themselves, they felt themself responding much the same.

The more they thought about it, the more his facade made sense. They thought back to the confident way he tried to speak, the way he shakingly grabbed at the attention of his peers, his grip as perfect and practised as a baby grabbing for its favourite toy. That is to say, it was cack-handed and clumsy, and landed poorly every single time. They thought of how easily he sunk back from Saionji’s remarks, how he accepted them without protest. In those moments, he seemed much more comfortable than any other time they’d seen him. Then there was his attachment to Hinata, someone who, through no fault of his own, was the only true outcast amongst their group. With no idea of what his talent was, Hinata was, unfortunately, a bit lost amongst the rest of them. Who, with nothing else to hold onto, at least had the confidence of knowing who they were, what their role was. Komaeda was optimistic, friendly, and agreeable, even when he probably really shouldn’t have been, and seemed to care very deeply about how he came off to everyone around him. The effort he put in to clean this room for this party at such short notice was evidence enough of that. It was the only time they had seen him nearly brag about something he’d done or speak even close to positively about himself. He was meek and quiet, and overall, just seemed…

Lonely.

Well, that was something they certainly could understand.

“There is comfort in hiding yourself.” They replied, their eyes scanning across the room, checking in on the people happily enjoying the party around them. Oowari and Mioda were being a bit too rowdy and getting shouted at for it by Saionji (Hinata watched them from the sides, laughing a little at what they were doing, but not too much. Maybe he’d have to talk to him about all this as well), “The person I present myself as is never usually the person I really am inside, if I was completely truthful.” Their eyes spared a passing glance at Komaeda. The intense, unblinking stare he levelled them with was unsettling. Togami didn’t feel it, and held it back, just as insistent, “It’s a useful strategy for business. It keeps you separated from your work, makes sure you don’t take anything too personally so you can focus on one, clear goal. The total and complete domination of the Togami Industry, above all others.”

Komaeda blinked widely, his heavy stare not really seeing Togami, before it drifted off to the side, “I suppose.” Then, he was back, bright and chipper, “I can see why the Togami company has historically done so well. You’re going to do amazing, once you inherit it.”

“I know that well enough.” He shot back dismissively, then they relented, softening once more, “But…It’s not easy. The price you pay for that safety is…You can never truly get close to someone.”

They hoped the weight of their stare matched the weight of their words, really made what they were trying to say, as Togami may say it, sink in.

“...What a lonely life.” Komaeda said wistfully. For a moment, his bright eyes turned cloudy, his smile dropped. Like white noise, it was only when it was gone that they really realised how present it usually was. Then, once it returned, it stood out more than it ever had.

Komaeda understood. They wished they could feel better about that fact. They felt their heart ache, just a little. Even if they had guessed as much, it was another thing to see their suspicions confirmed. Along with the sympathy came a spike of guilt they tried desperately to shake. They tried to remind themselves that they had to treat everyone with a level of suspicion. That is what Togami would do. The logical, clinical response to a situation so incredibly illogical, and what they needed to do to make sure everyone survived. But the guilt persisted, in spite of this logic. Komaeda had been higher than most on their watchlist, nearly higher than even Hinata, (who was the most suspicious out of all of them) only because of his closed off, peculiar demeanour. To suspect someone, just because they were a bit awkward, a bit unconfident, a bit…Different. Maybe it was what Togami would’ve done, but it didn’t make them feel any better about it.

“‘Lonely’ is a pathetic word to describe the feeling.” Togami replied coldly. He locked eyes with Komaeda, and he shifted under his stare, “It’s a living hell.” They replied, a truth in their words so deep and unnatural to Togami, that for a small second, they felt uncertain. It was enough that, despite what he wanted, what Togami wanted, they broke eye contact first. It was dangerous, a little too far. Something in Komaeda’s face changed, and they quickly shifted gears. Togami closed his eyes, and smirked with a confidence they didn’t feel, “If you really wish to see these bonds between us all come to fruition as you say, perhaps it’s something you should consider.”

That piercing look, stripping them like a nail through orange peel, disappeared. They felt it lift like a physical weight. Once it was gone, it was like it was never there in the first place. Komaeda smiled prettily, a slight glimpse of his white teeth peeking through, as he apologised,

“Thank you for your concern, Togami. I’m sorry I made you worry.”

Togami scoffed, “Don’t be stupid.” He scolded him, looking at him down his nose. Komaeda lowered his head, laughing quietly, and the control fell comfortably back into Togami’s hands. It was relieving. It made them stand on his feet a little steadier.

“Ah, of course. I overstepped there, how lame of me.” Komaeda sighed. Then, a hard, serious look grew on his face, much more serious than was needed, “No, you’re absolutely right. I completely understand. It is exactly as you said it.” Komaeda looked at him, but it was…Different. Something disquieting sat in their stomach, like a small stray piece of burning shrapnel. A splinter that broke under their skin as it was recklessly pulled free. “In the end, above all else, your end goal must be your main focus, and you must be whoever you need to be to see that goal through to its glorious end.”

Komaeda’s voice was the same as it ever was, breathy and light. But something was…wrong. Something undetectable, he couldn’t put his finger on it. He just knew something wasn’t right. Carbon dioxide. Silent, odourless. Deadly.

The alarm blared in their head, a niggling beep they couldn’t ignore.

“...And what is your goal exactly?” They asked. Years of practice kept Togami’s voice solid, portrayed none of the uncertainty they felt underneath his skin.

Komaeda smiled. The beeping persisted.

Togami didn’t flinch in the face of intimidation, so he didn’t swallow the nerves that built in the back of their throat.

“To see everyone here working together to make their hope shine brightly.”

Komaeda’s smile didn’t waver. The bright spark in their eye didn’t dim, and no matter how hard they pried, nothing budged. Everything stayed solid, real, genuine.

So why did it all feel so…Wrong?

“Hm…”

That guilt they felt from before resurfaced. What had Komaeda really done to make them suspect him so harshly? Komaeda had been nothing but kind, nothing but helpful, and in his own, solid, truthful words, stated his plan was the exact same as their own. Komaeda had shown himself as nothing but their ally, supported their idea from the start, even while everyone else had cast doubt over it. Now they were suspecting him, because he smiled a bit weirdly? Because his stare was unsettling? Because he was a bit…Different?

The circumstances were getting to him. This suspicion, distrust with no basis, was exactly what Monokuma wanted. Togami wouldn’t play into the hands of someone like Monokuma. He’d win on his own terms. They were inclined to agree.

If there was someone to suspect, it just made this whole awful mess easier. With a place to point their finger, they’d know how to act, know how to win, know how to keep everyone safe.

They changed the batteries in the alarm. Pushed the button to reset. The alarm stopped. They pretended it made them feel better.

Togami huffed a laugh, and they turned away, with one final command, “Eat. You need fat on your bones. The island wind will blow you away.”

“Yessir!” Komaeda replied playfully, his eyes scrunching handsomely as he giggled.

Together they’d stand, divided they’d fall. That was the real truth at the centre of all this mess. It was what they needed to hold onto, in the face of everything else. Despite what Togami may want, they were not going to let any of them turn into murderers.

There was comfort in control. But they would not let that comfort make a fool out of them.

#danganronpa #danganronpa fanfiction #ultimate imposter #nagito komaeda #danganronpa goodbye despair #super danganronpa goodbye despair #dr2 goodbye despair #dr2 #dr2 spoilers #not technically #but just in case #holy shit #AHH I loved this so much #yes it wasn’t as comforting but exploring their dynamic like this and from chap one was a great call #Nagito having a very rigid mindset to accomplish what he thinks are for good goals is just <3 #and overall puts Imposter in a very unique light better than what we got from the game!#thank you for writing this and I hope to see more of your work in the future!!#:}#ignore that you got a reblog from another acc I forgot to switch it cuz mobile is dumb XD

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polaroid-steam-room · 1 month

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I've been going through really bad cycles of feeling intensely embarrassed about my writing. More specifically, that people are reading it, when the full honest truth of it is that theres a lot that I've written that I'm not completely happy with anymore. As it is, when you're new to something. The unfortunate reality is that as you grow as an artist you look back on things you've done before and can suddenly see everything wrong with it that you couldn't see before. When that also includes the knowledge that thousands of people have /also/ seen that thing...It's a very consuming level of shame for me. It feels very vulnerable, in a way I really, really didn't consider when I started sharing my writing.

I sat down today to write out a huge critique of everything I'd ever written, as if putting it public could absolve me of some of this shame, because I'm just proving to people who don't like my writing "Look I know!". I don't think anyone is a bigger critic of an artist's work than the artist themselves. I diguised the reason for it as a sort of excercise to improve my writing in the future, if I could just point out everything wrong with it, I wouldn't do it in the future! But really, it was an exercise in people pleasing and self-hatred.

Or, well. It was supposed to be. Thing is, by the time I got to the end of it, and wrote out not just everything bad about my writing, but the things I liked too, the thing that I was left with was...It was fun.

Ok, do I cringe hard when I read back the first few chapters of my fic to the point I simply dont read them anymore? Yes. Do I regret the way I wrote the opening chapters? Yes. Do I think I did a very bad job at portraying the start of Hinata and Komaeda's relationship, and especially Komaeda's reaction to Hinata being Reserve Course? Oh 100%. If I were to re-write it, these are the biggest things I would change, even if the outcome would basically be the same. I would've put a lot more emphasis on the fact that really Komaeda's anger was borne from jealousy at how Hinata is able to act normally despite not being talented, which is what I intended. But in that initial interaction, it really doesn't come off that way, and it bugs me to this day. But the thing is...That chapter, and all the bits that I'm most uncomfortable with, are over 2 years old at this point. I think, really, as it always is, this embarrassment is a good thing. It just means I've grown.

As well as being 2 years old, I wrote it alongside my master's dissertation. Most of my energy towards writing was very firmly elsewhere. Because really, the only reason I was writing it? Because it was fun. And it was fun. I had so much fun writing it, and so much fun sharing it with my best friend. So much fun that I actually ended up finishing it. Which I really didn't believe I would've. Then when I posted it, I had so much fun. Seeing everyone's reactions- I think I was the most excited for chapter updates out of everyone. Even now, a year on, people are making fanart for it??? And discovering it again?? And, somehow, liking it? And it's just baffling to me. To the me now that can see everything wrong with it, it's a bit hard to come to terms with. But...It just makes me so happy. Because really, the most important thing isn't that it was perfect. It isn't what I'd change now. It isn't all the things I did wrong. The most important thing is that...I did it. I actually finished it. I finished it, I wrote every idea I spent so many nights imagining and really, honestly believed would never see the light of day, and it was just so much fun.

By the time I got to the end of this terrible self-critique of my silly fanfiction, I'd actually dispelled so much of the things that were making me so upset, because I realised this simple, honest fact. It was fun. It still is fun. So thats why I keep writing. And I care if it's bad, of course I do!! I want to be good, I want to tell good stories and have an impact and make people feel and make people remember my work- but most of all, it's FUN! And out of everything thats the most important thing. And that's why you keep writing, or drawing, or doing anything at all in this sad, frustrating, unfair life. Because it's fun. And sometimes, amongst everything else, it gets pretty easy to lose sight of that. But I think, from now on, I'm going to try and cling to that in moments where I feel like this again. Okay I do it to be good. But I want to be good because it's fun. That's really all that matters.

#op discovers self appreciation and growth/j #seriously though #it’s very real to feel this even as an artist myself #and you’ve practically said everything that needed to be said #im reblogging this because this would’ve been my exact thoughts 110%#dr2 spoilers #big artist kith for you <333 #i love artists #proud of you #:}#we suffer #but #we are free #and #love freely

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