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People Like Her

I can't find it in myself to watch her video. One part of me is scared that she'll trigger a part of me that I've fought for two almost three years to beat and the second part of me knows better not to give the views she so desperately needs to validate herself. I've seen a lot of people triggered by Nicole's video and here's what I say to you. Nicole is one those people your parents warn you about. The bullies who put you down to bring themselves up. She needs the likes, views, and subscribers as validation. She like many other “comedians” who lack talent turn to shaming as a way to get attention rather than being actually funny or original.  You know that she is insecure because she can't find beauty in everything around her. People like Nicole are never a reason to relapse. She is close minded, rude, and self-centered. No, i haven’t watched the video but i know enough about people like Nicole to tell you that the strength that has been getting you through every day is stronger than this wanna-be Jenna Marbles. Her hateful and hurtful words are merely a reflection of her lack of kindness and of her need for acceptance. Be happy in your own skin and don’t give her the attention she so desperately needs.

Don’t let someone like her be the reason you cast a shadow between you and the light you deserve to shine in.

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most common thought: damn haha im going to have to deal with that sooner or later

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here's my advice

yes, eat that

no, do not text back the fuckboy

hush, her sex life is none of our business

coconut oil

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I spent three weeks in a mental hospital and what I discovered there I feel like should be put into words.

we are not who you think we are.

the boy with turrets told the funniest jokes

the girl who raked her nails up and down her skin could create the most exquisite drawings

the girl who abused drugs had the wisest soul

the boy with schizophrenia had the biggest heart

the girl who tried to kill herself told the boy with insomnia stories to help lure him to sleep

the boy who wanted to kill himself had the deepest passion for cooking

the girl with slits and scars all over her body dried my tears and told me I was beautiful

the boy with anger issues gave the warmest hugs

the girl with bulimia told everyone every day that they looked beautiful in their bodies

the boy who was a compulsive liar told us that he wanted us all to get better, and that he was for once telling the truth

the girl who almost drank herself to death stood up for anyone that felt they were feeling bullied

the boy with social anxiety made sure nobody sat alone at meals

we are not who you think we are.

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My biggest fear is that one day my kids will be crying alone to themselves at night and I wont know about it

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Trying to better my body

For 4 months I’d eat once a day then for 3 months I just stopped eating altogether and if I ever did eat I’d make myself throw up. Once I started recovery eating was probably the hardest thing for me control, still is. Anytime I get anxious the first thing to go is my dinner. Anytime I worry about something I get nauseous. It’s been a long two years of battling this.

I face(d) 4 problems while in recovery and now; First, is food itself. I hardly ate for 6 months so my body wasn’t use to grease and fatty foods so pizza and nachos and all the things I held so close to my heart now made me sick. After two years my body has adjusted to most foods again but every now and again if I’m anxious I get uneasy with certain items and some foods I can’t eat at all. Second knowing the difference of making myself sick and actually being sick. I just stopped making myself throw up one day. I decided I was going to be better and stopped. I went 3 months without throwing up. Until I got sick during flu season and I was coughing and just started vomiting. I immediately just dropped to the floor and panicked. I called my friend and just cried saying I was sorry for messing up all the progress I’d made and she had to explain to me that sometimes people get sick. I had to learn that our body when sick makes us throw up to get rid of all the bad toxins. and that it was okay to get sick not to make myself sick. If I’m being honest that’s something I still struggle with now because throwing up messes with my head so having good people around me to remind me I’m okay is nice to have. When you don’t eat for 6 months of course you’re going to lose weight. And people will notice. I’m a heavy girl so losing weight is a good thing. When you’re skinny and you lose a lot of weight quickly people notice something’s wrong but when you’re heavy and you lose weight it’s praised. So went through this weird period of confusion because I knew the way I was losing weight was by hurting myself but everyone else was praising me. The third problem was/is telling myself it was/is not okay to lose weight that way. I started making myself throw up to make myself feel better. I always felt heavy from all the burdens I held that throwing up made me a little lighter to get through the day. But once in “recovery” and I started letting those burdens go and people started commenting my figure and things changed. So now I battle feeling like shit or looking like shit. I had to learn love myself all over again. Lastly was/is learning relapse doesn’t mean I’m a failure. The last time I threw up due to nerves was maybe 4+ months ago. It makes me feel like shit every time it happens. The first few times after deciding I was going to do my best to make myself better I just broke down and I’d beat myself up. I would cry for days and just became a mess. Now, when it happens which is not often I still cry but I talk about it. And I move forward. I also fight it a lot more. I have great people around me, people who sit with me in the bathroom while I let the feeling pass. Sometimes that’s all we need, is to let the feeling pass. Sometimes things happen and I want to let go and sometime I can’t hold on but no matter what I give myself tomorrow to do better. I have to fit into a dress by July so I have to start eating healthy. I’ve been feeling pretty shitty about my appearance lately so I just want to love myself again. I’m not going to lie, I get tempted to just throw up all the time. It’s easy. But it’s not right. I get really discouraged because I’m so out of shape now and get winded while walking up stairs and the compliments have stopped because now that I eat again I’m gaining weight. That ‘s okay though I’m going to work it off and when I get those compliments again it won’t sting to hear how hurting my body makes me look better. It’ll feel good to hear that hard work dedication and love for my body has paid off. It’s all about just giving yourself a better chance for a better tomorrow. So if you fall or give into your demons don’t think you’ve failed we all fall down you just got to get yourself back up and go.

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Don’t ever fucking tell someone with depression or anxiety that their feelings are invalid because you have no fucking idea how many times a day they blame themselves for their mental illness and already feel incredibly guilty and if you’re one of those people invalidating our illness then fuck you

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Hey Becs, this is Carlos (UTAP). I finally got to make my Tumblr and i decided to check out your blog. so far i love it, the impact it has on others is great and i just want to know if i can help out. let me know, i'll do my best. love you

THANK YOU! miss you!

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I know it's been a while since you've been on but I just want you to know that you saved my life. Thank you.

well damn. i’m not crying or anything.

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Two Years Later.

it’s been two years since i’ve last posted and do you know what i’ve learned? i’ve learned that people suck, and life sucks, and there is nothing that you can do about it. it’s rare to find someone who is going to actually love you and most people are looking for someone to pay attention to them. can’t really be mad at that because is that not what we want? 

over the last two years i’ve cut myself, made myself sick, and nearly killed myself but i’ve i’ve also never laughed harder, found a new meaning for love, and found out some tricks to ease the pain of this shitty life.

so that’s why i’m back, for now, to share some of that stuff with you. to share whats it’s like to be sick while in recovery and what it feels like to be strong enough to calm yourself from a panic attack for the first time with no one around and how much it hurts to fall and relapse. i am far from “fixed” who knows i might not ever be truly “healed” but i will fight every step of the way and i’ll laugh as much as possible and i’ll love as hard and as best as i can. i hope you’ll join this journey with me again. 

 i will make no promises because for all i know tomorrow i might fall off again and never come back or who knows maybe i’ll be consistent with something in my life. things are going to be a little different this time. it’s all going to be real talk. the good and all of the bad. nothing is certain i can promise you that. but i will do my best to update a couple times weekly. please tell me what you think. but for now i’ll leave you with this 

if i can only leave you with one thing to ponder about let it be a reminder to love. love all things but mostly yourself. sometimes life calls us to be a little selfish and other times it calls us to be selfless. both are important. but in all things we do if we don’t try and love ourselves we’ll never see the beauties of the world. 

today i challenge you to be a little bet different. recently have not been putting make up on and that’s a big deal for me. do something out of your comfort zone try a new food, stimulate your mind and read something new, tell someone you love them. let go of hate and just be free. show yourself some love and smile. until next time....

xobeca

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don’t trust people who don’t get harry potter references

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You are the only one who controls your happiness. If you want to be happy, only you have the power to push all things aside to be happy."

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Do what you want to do, don't let anyone put you down. Only you can choose the path on which walk in this life.

Truth.

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Love this quote..

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2013 will be better than 2012, it has to be.