responsibleforeverything

[responsibleforeverything]

It’s been a while. I don’t have anything to say except that I feel like something bad will happen soon. I always feel like that. Like I’m too happy. I don’t know how to help people.

[responsibleforeverything]

I feel so bad for complaining about life but then I write the most woe is me posts about how much it sucks with a straight face. I don’t think I even feel bad writing this, it’s just writing and FUCK me for acting like it’s anything more. I don’t think I’m desensitised enough to think that wanting to die is fine, but it’s the norm, but I’m too much of a coward to do anytihng. If I was actually down in the dumps I would’ve be dead a while ago. I don’t have any access to guns and my house is too busy to sneak the toaster into the bathroom and run the water but I have thought about it before.

I hate getting better because it makes me think I was faking everything and that I’m just a fake litttle bitch. I hate crying becuase I always get way over the top about it. I hate feeling like my emotions are on a pendulum because I can go from crying and melting down about someone making fun of me (after I made fun of them) to straight faced fantasising about never being born and then laughing about some post online. I HATE feeling like an asshole and I hate enjoying it sometimes. I don’t want to be evil. WHY am I crying while writing this?

I wish I had a reason as to why I’m like this instead of just blaming my autism and ADHD. I don’t want to demonise my disorders even though I advocate for the good and bad of them to be shown. I don’t want to be a hypocrite. I don’t want to realise that I probably have low empathy or selective empathy or whatever the fuck that causes me to be really sad for someone else online but not my own family when I’m saying mean things without even thinking. I hat3 the phrase “everyone makes mistakes” because I make one too many and then I’m the problem. Maybe I am.

I don’t want to talk to someone about this. I just want little emojis in the corner telling me I’m doing a good job at sympathy baiting. I’m tired of wanting to shut up without actually playing my part. I don’t want to go back to therapy. I DONT WANT TO GO BACK TO THERAPY THEY’LL JUST SHOVE MORE PILLS DOEN MY THROAT. I FEEL STUPID AND THIS IS PROBALBY JUST AN EMO PHASE ILL GET OVER IN A FEW YEARS. OR ILL STOP WHINING AND JUST TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT.

[responsibleforeverything]

I just need to be better

[responsibleforeverything]

I don’t think my “trauma” is that bad compared to other people. I don’t even think it’s trauma. I think I just got the bad autism along with ADHD and I’m just messed up. I don’t want to go on a tangent explaining everything that happened to me, but the biggest events I know are being exposed to an unrestricted internet at a young age, my grandpa committing suicide and my uncle dying of cancer just as I got to know him. Everyone’s family dies at some point so why should I be complaining. I just think I’m privileged into getting mad at the slightest inconvenience. I fantasise about getting a diagnosis for some cluster B disorder so I have a definitive answer as to why I can dish it out but I can’t take it. Why I’m so mean and rude all of the time. I want to shut up about everything happening because it’s not all about me but I want it to. I want to be able to cry and feel good without just having to take more meds and be happier. I want someone to take care of me and I don’t want to get a job. I’m lazy. I know I’ll end up dying alone by pushing everyone away from me. I’ll put this all on my vent blog so when I do people can see what I was complains about. I’m sorry for inconveniencing you all instead of making funny polls and artwork. I think I am broken for being different and that people won’t ever understand me. I know that’s a cop out thing to say but I don’t know anymore. Maybe if I wasn’t so scared to say something.

[responsibleforeverything]

I’m such an asshole but I don’t want to say I have another disorder. I probabl y don’t, I’m probably just faking it. Or faking everything for attention. That’s what I always do anyways. I hate almost crying over being bad wt bowling. I hate being a self-centred asshole bed cause of my autism. Maybe it isn’t even because of my autism. I don’t think anyone likes me when I’m sad. I think they just like the idea of me saying “cool post” and moving on.

[responsibleforeverything]

I feel like shit

[responsibleforeverything]

I’m so tired of just being another stupid white American (U.S) and feeling stupid because I don’t know Jack off about other cultures because I wasn’t taught right. I’m literally just a teenager that didn’t ask for any of this, and I guess it’s my fault for not trying to educate myself better, but I always feel awful when I realise there was something big happening that my news sources didn’t dare to mention. I’m tired of hearing that trans teens are being coerced into being such or that autism didn’t exist when my parents were kids, I’m tired of hearing that my disabilities were caused by vaccines and my identity is invalid because I don’t know any better. I hate my country but I feel like if I tried to move anywhere else I would be shamed for it, and even if I wouldn’t I don’t have the money (and I probably wouldn’t when I turn 18).

Is it my fault that everyone older than me supports the idiot in office? Is it my fault for pronouncing Iran and Israel wrong because I didn’t know any better? I thought that I was inclusive and compassionate because I’m pro-socialism, anti-war and I don’t hate anybody for being who they are (race, religion, etc) but now I’m second guessing myself. I don’t want praise I just want to know that I’m not a privileged monster.

[responsibleforeverything]

I guess this is an intro post

- I go by all pronouns

- I am aroace (aromantic + asexual)

- I am a MINOR

- I have autism and ADHD

- I have chronic depression

- I have situational anxiety (I think?)

Failure to respect these things and/or not taking these vents seriously will result in me blocking you. Yes it’s petty, I don’t care.

My normal-ish blog is @hightidejellyfish

[responsibleforeverything]

I feel so awful right now for throwing up on the porch because my family was having a mature conversation with me. My mom is clearly drunk and she was mad saying “the world doesn’t revolve around you” and “I’m just using my disability as an excuse” but I don’t want to say anything since I know it’s a touchy subject. Help I know they care about me but I still feel awful for saying yes to watching a movie with them before chasing my mind. Maybe I just need some anxiety meds so I can forget, maybe I just need to die because I don’t think I’m going to live 60 more years. I hate having ADHD and having my brain being malformed and I hate being autistic and I hate being queer I just want to go to sleep and shut up.

[responsibleforeverything]

My great grandmas dementia is getting worse. She thinks we haven’t seen her since Christmas this year when we’ve seen her 4 times this year and we weren’t even there when Christmas happeend. Fuck I don’t really know her all that well and now she’s not gonna know me anymore. Now I’m paranoid it runs in the family and I’m going to get it. I don’t want to forget I already forget enough already. Fuck fuck fuck

[responsibleforeverything]

Forgot to put this on my alt.

I hate feeling like I have to fix everyone else’s problems before I fix my own. I hate feeling selfish for wanting attention when I post something and obsessively refresh it to see if I get any. I understand that everyone wants attention to some extent but why do I feel guilty when I want some? Is it so wrong to ask if I can talk about something we both like? I hate worrying if I come across as annoying because I see a stranger with problems and I try to go out of my way to help when they probably don’t want it. I don’t want to feel like I’m helping because it makes me feel better, when I know I’m doing it so I can ignore helping myself. Especially when it’s someone I don’t know and/or barely know becuase it makes me look like some kind of lurker/stalker. I should be trying to help myself but I want to help others because I want to see others happy. Maybe if they’re happy then I can be happy too.