roramuller

[roramuller]

In Heavenly Love Abiding

“I can’t grant you this visa,” he said. That’s it. There was nothing more the counselor officer said. There was no apology for crushing my hopes and dreams. There was only an, “ I can’t”. My heart dropped to the floor and shattered while the embassy guards walked over it to escort me out. I was denied an opportunity for a successful life and left with no money to my name. It was embarrassing. Going to college in the US was my dream and everyone else was living it. All of my schoolmates were starting college abroad while I became a late-night waitress at a restaurant/bar in the small islands of the Bahamas. I was embarrassed. I hated my job. I was disrespected and sexually harassed by drunk men every night. “Aye, little mama, you need a man?”, “Sexiness, come here” is what 40-50-year-old men would say to me. I hated them and I hated that place. I was 17 years old and instead of college, Ruby Swiss Restaurant and Bar was where I was in life. Life sucked. 

Life was such a disappointment. I couldn’t understand why my life turned out that way. I did everything right. I graduated high school with honors and the most awards. I prayed, oh God knows I prayed. How did I deserve such a pathetic life? I was a loser. I thought, “God surely doesn’t love me”. He couldn’t have. If He did, why would He do this to me? I was hurt, I was angry… at Him. God. I didn’t think I deserved that life and refused to live it. I wanted to die.

So, I left my job and I locked myself in my bedroom. I began starving myself. I ate nothing for weeks. The plan was to sleep until eventually I never woke up. I felt so low and I would’ve died. I really wanted to. I was close to completely giving in to death but, it was a bright light and an angelic voice that saved me. The angel sang. Through my mother’s stereo, the angel sang a hymn, “In heavenly love abiding, No change my heart shall fear… Green pastures are before me, Which yet I have not seen… My hope I cannot measure, My path to life is free…” 

I was overwhelmed with emotion. It was Him. God. This was His message to me. Tears welled up in my eyes yet I saw clearly. He did love me. Although I didn’t see it yet, brighter days were before me. I didn’t need to hurt myself or feel pain. My path to life was free. I learned that I just needed to trust God. He had a plan for me. He was reminding me that He was my Heavenly Father and He was there to guide me always. “So don’t worry, because I am your God. I will make you strong and will help you; I will support you with my right hand that saves you.” (NCV- Isaiah 41:10) 

I heard perfectly and was saved by my Heavenly Father. He gave me strength and guidance. That moment in my life has changed me forever. Four years later, I am in my last semester and about to graduate from Principia College in Elsah, IL, USA. I never needed to worry because God was always there to guide me and His sight is never dim. I will always be tremendously grateful for that experience. I wouldn’t be who I am today without it. 

1 In heavenly love abiding,

no change my heart shall fear;

and safe is such confiding,

for nothing changes here:

the storm may roar without me,

my heart may low be laid;

but God is round about me,

and can I be dismayed?

2 Wherever he may guide me,

no want shall turn me back;

my Shepherd is beside me,

and nothing can I lack:

his wisdom ever waketh,

his sight is never dim,

he knows the way He taketh,

and I will walk with him.

3 Green pastures are before me,

which yet I have not seen;

bright skies will soon be o'er me,

where darkest clouds have been;

my hope I cannot measure,

my path to life is free;

my Saviour has my treasure,

and he will walk with me.

--Rhomully 

[roramuller]

Stress

All my life adults told me, “You’re too young to know what stress is”. Knowing what my life was like, I was always confused by that statement. I was pretty sure about what I was feeling because of life. I knew I was stressed. 

My first home as far as I can remember, was not a home at all. My family was homeless. We lived in a shop. Make-shift beds were spread all over the shop’s floor; beds made with rolled-up blankets were enough for a family of four. Cars drove by, shots fired, sirens wailed, the highway was way too close. It was old, unused, dusty, dark... very dark, and cold. The only source of light were the stars peeking through the hole in the ceiling. The air was heavy and musty. Rodents roamed the floors. Each night, my little brother held on to me for comfort as we waited for our parents to return from job hunting. I couldn’t show him that I was afraid too. I was terrified, I was stressed. 

As the years went by and I got older, my family expanded but still, we continued to struggle financially. Since the shop, we’ve been homeless again and at one point we even separated because that was the best way to survive. As soon as I turned 13 I got a part-time job at a little girls’ store. I rushed to work every evening after school. During my breaks, I scrambled homework because I knew when I got home I had siblings to cater to. I was overwhelmed with responsibilities. I was stressed. 

Stress comes with life experience. To say I’m too young to know stress is to say I’m too young to experience life, and I’m confident that everyone experiences life just by living. Mind you, I understand completely what they mean. What they mean to say is that I’m a child and I should be experiencing childlike things. However, I was not fortunate enough to have had a joyous childhood or a childhood at all. It downplays my experience and my maturity when some older person replies to my claim of stress with, “You’re too young to know what stress is”. 

Today, I’m 21 years old and in my senior year of college. In my last stretch towards graduation, schooling is made harder due to the Covid-19 pandemic. My learning is challenged as I’m forced to attend virtual classes while living in a noisy and dysfunctional home. I worry about my grades as my academic performance is negatively impacted by this circumstance. I’m stressed. I wonder if I’m old enough to know now.

--Rhomully 

[roramuller]

Your Ugly

Your demons winked at me today. Its menacing grin sent chills to my heart. I was not ready for such an introduction. I was terrified. I shrunk away afraid of the wrath that was brewing. I apologetically begged you to lock your demons away. Please. Please. Please. I don’t deserve its pressure. 

Even though it is now contained within yourself, I don’t know how to forget the image of its darkness. The trauma of it peeking at my fragility still haunts my mind. I don’t think I will ever forget what its glare felt like.

Rhomully 

[roramuller]

Going Home...

Baggage claim is under a tent? The baggage claim is under a tent. I don’t know what I feel right now. “I didn’t know it was this bad,” said Donavin. I met Donavin yesterday. We got stuck in Nassau together. This was also his first time coming home from school since the storm. Now we’re home and it doesn’t feel like home. Home used to be warm, green, and bright with sunshine. My home is brown now. My home is… I don’t know what this is.

I started my travels on Thursday, December 12th. I was flying home. I knew it was going to be a long journey, it always is. I was going to fly into Fort Lauderdale, then into Nassau, and from there I will fly into Freeport. Freeport, Grand Bahama is where I’m from. Freeport, Grand Bahama is my home. 

I flew into Fort Lauderdale at 11:30 Thursday night. I was spending the night at the airport because my next flight wasn’t until 12 the next day. Even so, I was prepared. I’ve done this before. My laptop was fully charged. I was wearing comfortable and warm clothes. I was ready. I found a nice spot by a power outlet and I watched episode after episode of my favorite show, Real Housewives of Atlanta. I did that until an old lady came to sit near me. I prayed to myself, “Please don’t talk to me. Please do not talk to me.”

“Hello,” she said. I greeted her hoping that was the end of it. “Where are you headed?” she asked. I was dreading that question. I didn’t want to talk about my country. I most definitely did not want to talk about the hurricane. I told her I was going to the Bahamas and gratefully she just went on to tell me where she was going, Ohio. 

We sat together for four hours. Out of those four hours, we spoke for only half an hour in which I learned that she has 23 grandkids that she loves dearly. However, she was leaving her 23 grandkids in Florida to spend Christmas with her only sister in Ohio. She is from Ohio and hasn’t been home for 20 years. Her sister is sick and she is afraid this might be their last Christmas together. At that point in her story, she began to choke up. Big balls of tears streamed down her wrinkled face. I looked at her. I stared. She was crying. I felt sorrowful. My heart was swollen with pain. The feeling of loss I suppressed for months finally plunged me into a fit of tears. I cried with a stranger. That lady and I did not know each other, but we cried together, both for our own sadness. We comforted each other and it felt okay. 

After that episode of grief, we sat in silence until it was time for us both to go to our respected checkout areas. I was glad to leave her. It got awkward. Remembering that she was a stranger was awkward. I cried with a stranger. 

I arrived in Nassau, Bahamas 3 o’clock Friday afternoon. It was December 13th, another day. I was exhausted. My next flight was scheduled to depart at 5 o’clock that same afternoon. As I approached the checkout counter the lady looked confused. I ignored the look and handed her the necessary documents. She examined them and whispered to her colleague, “She’s another one”. “I’m another what? What does that mean?” I thought. They nervously “Clack” “Clack” “Clacked” at their computer keyboard and exchanged more whispers. They both looked up. They looked at me worried. I said to myself, “Welcome to the Bahamas where the people are weird”. I was wishing they would hurry up. I just wanted to go home. “The last flight to Freeport already left,” said Susie, the lady behind the counter. Her nametag said “Susie”. I looked at the time on my phone, it was 3:45 in the afternoon. I looked at my ticket, it said flight departure was scheduled for 5 o’clock in the afternoon. It was 3:45 in the afternoon. I stared at Susie. 

Susie explained to me, “Because of the hurricane, Freeport doesn’t really have an airport, only a runway. The runway is not lit, so only early flights are flying in, nothing after 3 because it would be too dark”. I stared at Susie. I am exhausted. “Because our airline made the mistake of booking you a flight you can not board, we will reschedule your flight for early morning, take care of your dinner, your hotel room and your ride to the hotel and your ride back to the airport tomorrow morning”. Susie continued apologetically. “So where we eating though?” a male voice from behind asked. I didn’t realize Susie was talking to another person. I did think her eye contact was strange, but I just thought that was her nerves. She was also talking to the young man. I looked at him. He was “another one”. Susie gave us vouchers to eat at one of the fast-food restaurants in the airport and the young man and I ate together. His name is Donavin. 

Donavin is also from Freeport. He was visiting home for Christmas. He hasn’t been home since he started college 3 three years ago. Home wasn’t going to be what he remembered it to be. I’ve seen the destruction of the island on social media and from videos friends sent me. I wondered if he was prepared. 

As we ate, Donavin and I laughed at the fact that our first meal in our country was from an American franchise. It was not the steamed conch, peas n’ rice, coleslaw, and plantains we craved forever. We were disappointed. We were also very tired. “Are you nervous to go back home?” Donavin asked me. “Aurora, Donavin?” interrupted the taxi driver who was to take us to the hotel. If he hadn’t interrupted, I don’t know how I would have answered that question. I wondered if Donavin asked because he was himself nervous. 

We arrived at the hotel at 7:45 last night. We said goodnight and went to our separate rooms. As I prepared for bed I realized I hadn’t slept since Wednesday night. It was Friday night. I was exhausted. I called my family and explained everything. It was a brief call. I wanted to sleep. 

I woke up at 3:30 this morning. It is Saturday, December 14th. I was rejuvenated and excited. I was going home today! It has been a year since I’ve been home. I was missing my family. I was missing the sunshine, the green, the island life. I could not wait to be at home. The time between waking up and boarding my flight went by so fast. I felt the jitters all over as I buckled my seatbelt and sat back into my seat on the plane. That 30-minute flight was the longest ever. I couldn’t get home quick enough. As we began to land I looked out the window. The light butterfly feeling began to feel like heavy rocks weighing down my heart. There was nothing. I did not see the beauty I was used to. I was shocked.

Now here I am waiting for my baggage under a tent. The baggage claim is under a tent. As I stand here I wonder, “Will Freeport ever be what I knew it to be?”. I don’t know what to think or what to feel. One thing I do know, baggage claim is under a tent and my home is not the home it used to be. My home is brown now. 

Rhomully 

[roramuller]

The Woman, The Mirror

Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze. Damn, this is a tough one. Squeeze, squeeze, pop! Shit, that’s going to leave a scar. My face is covered in scars.

 Look up. Look at yourself. Smile.

 I definitely need a teeth whitening and straightening. Maybe, I’ll get some whitening strips when I get a scar removal cream.

 Look up again. Don’t be afraid. It is your face. Smile.

 I don’t look too bad.

 Deep Breath.

 Ow! How is breathing so painful? My breath felt like a thousand swords stabbing me in the back. It felt the same way it felt to find out my “friends” were not my friends. Anyway, I’ll get that checked out. Probably not.

 You’ve been in this bathroom long enough. It’s time to go. Well at least do something with your hair.

I’ll straighten it tomorrow. My hair is too puffy. No, I’ll straighten it on Friday so I can be ready for Saturday. I have so much to do! I’m tired of going through all of this.

Oh no! Don’ t furrow your brow, you’ll get wrinkles. Smile. That’s so fake. Your eyes tell on you. They have no sparkle. Let’s zoom out a bit and take a look at the rest of you. Goodness, you’re so skinny. Actually, you’re not too skinny, you’re slender. You’re thicker than you were weeks ago. All you need is more food, more water, and more gym.

I like yoga. It keeps me lean and it’s relaxing.

Look up. Smile. You’re looking pretty good. Yoga is doing you well. Smile. No, that’s too much. Smile. That’s a bit creepy. Smile. No. Smile. No. Smile.

Oh. I’ll get it sometime. I really must leave this bathroom. They’re going to think something’s wrong.

Who is “they”?

Whoever. Let’s face them.

When the mind is free of any thought or judgment, it is still and acts like a mirror. Then and only then can we know things as they are. (W. Timothy Gallwey)

Rhomully

[roramuller]

A letter to my...

Dear Mr...

I don’t want revenge. I want happiness. We were not good for each other. We did not work out. I understand this and I refuse to fight it any longer. I’m letting go, I’m moving on. I don’t want to make you jealous. I don’t want you to miss me. I don’t want to play anymore games. I am done. We are over. I don’t want you to see my progress. You don’t deserve to see my life after you. You don’t get to see me heal my heart. You are completely removed from my life and I’m never letting you back in. I don’t want revenge. I only care for my happiness going forward without you. Farewell.

Rhomully

[roramuller]

Faith

Tinted glass

Eyeball strain

What I see is not clear

The road ahead is dim

Every corner I take is a risk

My vision has been blurred for a while 

I venture out everyday without clear sight

Not knowing where I go

And when the lights go out

That’s it 

Nothing

Yet, I still make it to every destination

I’m guided by something brighter than light

Something much greater

And I will never stumble 

I will never fall

Rhomully

[roramuller]

Bitch

I hate this inner me

This bitch

Time I plan this murder

Boom boom dead

That’s how I want her

She’s my enemy

This bitch

Time to cut all ties

Snip snip rip

No time for goodbyes

But in reality

This bitch

Time ain’t over

She slick slick

That’s why I keep her

But I hate my inner me

This bitch

can’t let go

She molded me

That’s how I grow

I got to let it be

This bitch

Still got time

Tick tick tock

She’s building my prime

I hate this inner me

This bitch

Gotta stay around

Just for now

Until I get this crown

Then you gots to go 

--Rhomully

[roramuller]

It really is so simple. No overthinking needed at all. It only takes one call, one touch, one look. If it is true you won’t have to profess it with words. It will be felt. Just being present, physically, emotionally, mentally is enough for something genuine. It really is so simple, so fluid, and effortless if it’s right. There will be no question about it. You know when you’re loved.

[roramuller]

God, Are You Listening?

God, I have been patient. I’ve been open. I was vulnerable and trusting. I’m still waiting on this prayer to be answered. I wish I knew if I needed to wait longer, be a little bit more vulnerable. What is it? Why am I still waiting for this prayer? It has been years of praying the same prayer. You haven’t done anything yet. I wish you would give me a straight answer or just straight up give me what I asked for. How much longer and how much do I need to do for that to finally happen? 

Are you in the process of answering me? Is this guy the guy? Should I think of him in that way? Should I still be patient and open to someone else? What is it? Why won’t you tell me, show me, something!? Are you even there!? Maybe you’re not. You’re not. 

--Rhomully

[roramuller]

The light dances on his skin. His cologne whisks love patterns around him to my nostrils. His beard tickles the crook of my neck as he delights me with kisses. Sparkling teeth appear in a smile brightening his dark strong face. The flexing of his arms encircles me in an adoring embrace. He holds me as if he needs to as if his life depends on it. He doesn’t have to say it. His presence and his actions scream it loudly. He loves me. I’m precious to him.

[roramuller]

Life is going wrong in every way. Happiness seems like a foreign concept. Anger, pain, failure weighs on your heart. You can feel its swelling as it is being squeezed by life’s obstacles. You feel lost with no direction because every look forward, just looks like a dark dead end. You tried everything on your own and nothing is happening. You just want to give up. Give it to God. Just Stand, God has a purpose and He has a plan. 

[roramuller]

Monsters Within

I have so much anger. I’ve been trying so hard to conceal it, control it, destroy it. It won’t go away. It continues to be fueled by the instigation of a stupid girl. If only she knew that I was a beast inside... If only she knew that it is by the grace of God she is still alive… If only she knew how much I’ve struggled with anger and violent outbursts in the past… If only she knew of the number of people I’ve put away… in a hospital... If only she knew how close to snapping her neck I am… If only she knew… 

I grab her by the neck, my claws digging into her dark skin and then I smash her head to the bland concrete wall. I keep smashing her head over and over again, “Bam, Bam, Bam” until I see blood. I want to see blood. That would add some color and character to those boring walls. I want to see the look in her eyes when she realizes that my threats to kill her were filled with truth. Her screams are such a welcoming sound and very encouraging. Her stupid life ends tonight. I want to be the last person she sees. She deserves to die. I told her time and time again “Do not push me”. She scoffed and laughed in my face. Well, I’m the one laughing now. 

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

--Maya Angelou

---Rhomully

[roramuller]

Sometimes I just want to forget the big life of major careers, and fancy lifestyles. Maybe my success comes in the form of a simple life. Maybe my success is just living with my significant other in a humble home in the islands. I would prepare his dinner with my hair tied in a colorful scarf every day. I would float around our comfortable home in a tank top and bright colored skirt getting ready for his arrival. He would arrive home wearing the weight of the long hot day. I would greet him with a kiss that undresses all his stress. We will enjoy each other. Just us.

[roramuller]

Life is Grey

Grey seems to follow me 

Heavy with fog and defeat

Gloomy with clouds and deceit

I am weak

Grey is my day

Lonely with a chance of rain

Cold winds, high levels of pain

I am broken

Grey is my life

Dim with no sign of sunshine

Empty with air quality decline

I am lost 

--Rhomully

[roramuller]

Feelings of defeat and failure have been hovering over me. I woke up, drank some water, turn to the woman in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw. It’s time to let it go and boss up. I need to moisturize, nourish my appetite and buy a sugar scrub. No more time for sulking. It’s time to care for myself like a boss. It’s time to remind people of the Boss I am. I’m back and I’m coming for that money. 

[roramuller]

Untitled

I mended past hurt

I returned to completion

I selflessly gave you a huge part of me

I laid it at your feet vulnerably

You left me there for your pack 

They intimidated and craved me

You gave me up sheepishly

I’m not of value apparently

I thought you loved me

I thought you cared gratefully

Oh how good you deceive

Oh how stupid I am to believe

I trusted you foolishly

You played me so effortlessly

So cold, so cold

I concede

--Rhomully