samthuh

[samthuh]

December 9, 2017 The last letter he sends will never receive a reply He says I thought if I gave you time you would see the haunted house they’ve locked you in Trap doors open to nowhere, and cobwebs, They keep spinning them but they don’t have to. They got you. His last letter starts the same way an apology wouldn’t His last letter starts with everyone has locked me out and I don’t know who to call home Even though he has never had a home and if he did it was only a roof over his head If there is another after this I won't open it, because I know what I’ll miss He looks older but don’t we all He says he’s dying without you but it is surely the pack a day and tanqueray that are working just as quickly and taste just as sweet It surely does not take long to rot a poisoned thing He says can’t you see how I did all of this for you That I had to humiliate you so when the world did it later it would feel like love I had to tell you ghost stories so you wouldn’t run anywhere but always back into the safety of me That you are the last spinning plate in my house of horrors, all the others lept to escape me They’d rather be in pieces then my presence That if you don’t stay I’m just a ringmaster with rings no one will jump through In the middle of a big top with empty bleachers and no one to pull the coloured cloth lies from my hat No assistants to saw in half That if you leave me there is only one place left for this traveling circus to go, and it’s a one time show, no encore. He writes this letter like I have never known anything other than his tricks, but I grew up a circus kid The first time he turned my heart into ash I watch it disintegrate The second time I notice the lighter in his shirtsleeve The third time I hand him a fake and keep the beating one locked away in my chest Then every time he presses it back together and assure me only he can mend the broken pieces Doesn’t he know the gravity of the biggest pieces pull each other back together and keep condensing until it can pump blood again, I honestly am kind of insulted that he thinks I would keep stepping into rope loops, get pulled upside down into trees so he could make an example of me His last letter says show them my letters, show them how you are the one making a fool of me Did it hurt when they struck you with lightning until your heart stopped How many fingers did they cut off before you said you would stop counting the days I missed you He doesn’t realise I don’t have to look in the mirror behind him to see his cards, He doesn’t know that when the stands are empty, the show is over

HE STILL DOESN’T GET IT (samthuh)

[samthuh]

December 21, 2017 You only saw her once, on the way to the bar She was on the side of the road looking like the a megawatt white strips ad Laughing, she was full of bubbles she couldn’t contain Wasn’t she smiling like this is what she has been waiting all day for Every time you open your mouth, she looks away Every time you say “I feel like…” she looks at her phone You’re not sure if things go unsaid between you anymore Because so many things go unsaid between you now She has an empty brain, empty mouth, no words Six months. Her fingers a swarm, in her glasses, reflection of her phone screen Bee stings she tells someone else, you know who Everything that comes white water rapid sloshing out of your mouth Updates her snapchat story #without you Get in her car she, puts on that song she said she hates Sings along like she can feel you imaging the shape of your fist getting lost in her eyes Asks if you want to go home like she never does, because this time She wants you to get out of the car

You Only Saw Her Once (samthuh)

[samthuh]

November 16, 2016 I believe that if the blood that ran in my veins were to pour out the soles of my feet And I was left empty The world would not skip a beat The people still walk to work, they miss the bus They spill wine on the couch and flip the cushions like it never happened If i never happened Maybe there would be places for all the feelings that I’ve felt That were less crowded than my body And every word that came out wrong would never come out at all Would that make everything ok? No I know that. I believe that even when you’re empty When you leave yourself on the bathroom floor too long and you forget what the tub looks like when it’s right side up And not head on the ground That you can still roll to your knees, push your palms into the tiles and drag yourself someplace warmer Someplace softer that lets you rest without reminding you where you were I believe in getting up. In scraped knees. In not forgiving when it takes everything in you not to smile at a single apology I believe in redemption I have to Its the only song that ever played on the radio when i sat in the back seat of my dad’s van, on the way to the beach, With a soft drink in my hand and not enough experience to know that I deserved more than I got. That I deserve more than I got. That sometimes, people don’t get what they deserve but they get whatever comes their way first When you reached into the sky and tugged on my light That I did not deserve what I got. So we sing to the radio. And we sing to our kids. And we sing ourselves to sleep. Sing alone in the car. Sing and run your voice to the ground for yourself. Make the sounds only you can and make them for yourself. You can be a light if you want, You can say the words that would make you so even if you tell yourself in the mirror that maybe this isn’t who you are But you have to know, that somewhere between your heart and your stomach that you live, Right there. And in this moment. And in this timeline that no one will ever care about girls who tried to hard and did things that people said didn’t belong to them That you are the only one who will ever know if they are wrong or if  they are wrong I know what I deserve, and look at my hands when I say I know who I am. I have to believe in progress, I have to believe in change. I believe in making changes everyday that lead to your someday I believe that the aftermath isn’t always going to be messy and It won’t always leave you ahead of where you left off I believe in the change that is caused by the conscience, That you Can Change Who you became when you forgot to check in That you Will Not always be trying to come off as someone else because you are not enough. I believe in the redemption of character, in the rising and the falling and trying your God damn hardest to be other than what you are Other than the blood of the people who reached into the sky and tethered you to a body That the world taught you to hate (remember you came back from that) Other than the mannerisms and maneuvers that leave everyone around you trying to figure out if you even give a shit at all Other than the things you say rashly and in spite of yourself that make you mean and make you shiver and make you cold. I have to believe that the night won’t always come this slowly I have to believe that I can be something other than everything I’ve been I have to. It’s all that is left.

IT’S ALL THAT IS LEFT (samthuh)

[samthuh]

September 23, 2017 I’m a dreamer I have big eyes and I always tuck myself in, splay out my hair like I’m the sun, and close my eyes humming to hopefulness I’m a dreamer, and dreamers were not made to succeed it would seem In quantum chemical analysis It would seem dreamers belong everywhere but that second floor back north corner Only one sink trap for the whole room because we’re cutting costs Quantum Chemical Analysis lab I knew it And within an hour and a half of my first lab everyone else did too Maybe they're wrong All the italicised comic sans posters in the library, script over children from the 80s running through sunflower fields and who are probably like, not that young anymore All the sidewalk chalk graffiti spread by people who whisper this mantra as they ride the bus Everyone including myself, as I write the words again in my journal in 3 different colours and then 6 more times but bigger than 20 times but bolder and overlapping until the page is screaming at me Everyone and everything, even you Canadian hockey God, Wayne Gretzky, And even you little green man from a swamp in a galaxy far, far away Maybe we’re wrong Today, I probably looked careless Today I made dumb, dumb mistakes and today I was reminded that no matter how many times you pre-read and make notes on the pre lab and no matter how many hours of talking yourself up in the mirror it takes you to walk out the door, and get on the bus, and give today another shot Try never makes the cut You know what a lung full of 12M ammonia feels like? Spoiler alert, I don’t think it even makes it to your lungs If you’ve ever been struck with the crippling realization that no matter how hard you work or many hours you put in you will never be as natural or belonging in a place you were never meant to be, you’d know the same feeling You think, God what’s that smell? Oh man I’ve made a mistake and then Oh my God I think I’m gonna die right here right now Try doesn’t matter, life doesn’t care Nobody measures almosts Nobody fills their twitter bio with almost graduated with honours but got like 3 C’s so sue me Or Almost made it to the olympics or Almost fell in love But he was probably a douche I thought I was young I thought I still had time to make myself into something that would finally make me proud The problem is everyday becomes today at some point, and I’m not ready to try again. I’m tired. When I was 8 you would catch me telling people I was gonna go to med school, I was gonna be a surgeon. I would be great. I don’t think I will be. Even last month, quitting the first job I ever had on my way out reassuring the people that I met 3 and a half years ago that yes, I was still planning on going to med school Yes, I’m still exactly who I let everyone believe I was I don’t remember when it started to feel like a lie When my automated response to how my entire life was gonna go, stopped becoming the picture I saw in my head when I thought 5 years, 5 weeks, God, even 5 minutes into my future Even 5 seconds I believe I started lying when I stopped trying but this time I said I would try again but now the try feels like a lie and I have a video on my phone of the day I parked and cried and couldn’t believe that I wanted to die because this isn’t me I never give up I lift everyone up I am the sun, for everyone, I mean atleast I try Surely most of you won’t see me at that size and you may never will And I tell myself it’s fine I can’t make everyone love me I can’t make anyone love me How many pathetics would you say it was if I said try Maybe we’re wrong Never give up You can do anything you set your mind to All you need is a Can Do attitude Aim for the moon, even if you miss you’ll land amongst 100% of the shots you didn’t take Do or do not, there is no try No, there is a try It’s just a bed full of broken promises with a glass mattresses that will cut you while you sleep Hair splayed out Like maybe you're just a freshly cut flower Waiting to wilt, and turn into the thing everyone saw coming but you You saw the sun, you felt it’s rays, everything was good for a while, right? I was there too. Everything was even kinda fine when they took you home, someplace new to lay your petals And now you’re here with the rest of us On the bottom staring up Lying to the people who ask us what we will become, fertilizer Lying to the personality tests so they can tell us, “You’re a tbaf” Last time I was infp, you know, Introverted, Intuitive,Feeling, Perceiving not Try But Always Fail I was lied to by every poster in my high school library Lied to by anonymous taggers and hippy teen bloggers and even P!nk You gotta get up and try, try, try, no Even myself Yoda was wrong because yes, there is no try, but ‘Do’ isn’t always in the cards either

I’M A DREAMER (samthuh)

[samthuh]

March 21, 2017 Didn’t think you’d be here did you? So surrounded, so close to everything that makes you light But then you're dragged through the floor by yourself Isn’t it hard to believe in being better when your better and two steps ahead trips you when your looking at the sky long enough for you to see everything rush past you It doesn’t stop moving A freight train You know it’s coming when your laying on the gravel, palms scrapped and you can only cover your ears and You can’t even look away You watch it speed up to you and right before it's even with you it slows to an almost halt Life has a funny way of always wanting you to watch it crash past you Makes you watch your carefully constructed realities rip themselves to shreds while it stares You dead in the eyes And then it whirs past you And loose hairs fly into your cuts And all you can do Don’t pick yourself up Bury your head into the crook of your arm, then the ground, then deeper than that Gravel cuts your face Your acne wasn’t helping you out anyway You remember every word you said to him The ones that were embarrassing and rash and weird God, can't you do anything that doesn’t make you out to be a freaking psycho? The texts and the so obvious eye contact ignoring Why pick yourself if you're going to keep putting yourself here How can I stand when I feel so close to the floor The tiles are cold And you're still crying And you're still wallowing in everything that is wrong here Which is, Everything I used to be able to tell myself that I didn’t care And then I could stand and zip up my sweater and go to school because I believed I didn’t care And I can’t even believe that this is all I’ve got It’s nothing It’s less than that And there is nothing worse Is there? He always looks like he wishes he could disappear in the only place he wants to be Didn’t you do that? Don’t you always come on a little too strong? And didn’t you tell yourself everything was going to be fine? And it’s not Fascinating When you’re done throwing the pity party no one showed up to Just get over it We don’t always have time to be soft here You can’t always be soft here There is no time for everyday funerals and no time to figure out if there is enough room in the casket for the parts you forgot to pick on To put on the guest list for a party that is only for standing on a stage in an audience of your pieces, Half wasted on sadness and the water at the bottom of the well you’ve been sitting in Physically still in bed Mentally 6 feet down And telling them all they should go home before you cut them out of yourself We don’t have time for funerals that last three weeks So please pull it together, I’m begging you

EVERYDAY FUNERALS (samthuh)

[samthuh]

March 27, 2017 It has been a long time A long couple of years of bathing myself in you can't do its And drying off with the maybe he’s rights Of waking up before the dawn to brush my teeth and trying not to look directly at what I had branded myself with Not enough In the 6th grade I considered myself at least fifth smartest As school got bigger so did the list of kids who were better than me I still bothered to learn everyone’s names Everyone seemed to be able to try harder, to run farther, to dig deeper I seemed to stay the same I have always hated change When I moved out of my house It became my dad’s house It is less than that now My sister used to rearrange her room every couple of months because she hates staying the same She asks why I hate change I wonder what she rearranges in her life now that her room has been the same for over a year Or who it is that has been swapped out for a sleeker, newer version I had the same dream since I was old enough to know dreams were something you chase and never catch I only got new haircuts when my mother wanted something new in my school photos I spent my adolescence trying to blend in because being other made me alone and being alone was scarier than finding anything other than nothing under the bed When I started to hang out with people who cared less about school than I did I cared less I care less I never thought I would be burning through the savings I tucked away for school by being so careless I have missed every single one of my 8:30 lectures in the last month Except the midterm I find myself writing this instead of studying for the lab exam I have tomorrow morning I realised I have no idea where I hope to end up I made a list of my goals I am ready to start to try again And if I’m not ready I’m damn tired of disappointing myself I am crawling back to who I used to be because in the middle of trying to keep everything the same I changed

THE DAY I DECIDED TO START TO TRY AGAIN (samthuh) 

[samthuh]

Take one step One breath One moment to take it all back, do you? Do you pretend you didn’t blush Do you pretend nothing matters and just fall away like your best friends Fall and fall until you realize after all, what Else is there for you now? When you’ve outgrown the growing phase And the awkward limbs don’t bulk And the acne doesn’t fade It scars And it comes back every month even when you think this time it’s gone for sure When you jeans start to reach your ankles And all your favourite sweaters get holes You can replace them And you will But growing out of yourself is so bittersweet Its lost hope It's a lost dream Because now, you can’t dream anymore Nights get shorter and sunsets come faster then you can sprint home from the bus stop Afternoon bleeds so easily into twilight and you spend magic hour on the sixth floor waiting for your own The light is the same, the shadows still slither onto the tables as you start to remember you’ve been daydreaming too long again Please don’t, nobody is coming to see you But please don’t crawl away, just because you’ve been running on dreams this long Doesn’t mean you can’t find another way to fuel yourself Gather the try hard, the old girls you were when you still thought you were Just going to grow into someone new And leave behind the moments that you spent sobbing over someday coming everyday too soon Patch that daydream into a reality or We’re both going to die trying to be something we could never be So, even though you are always on the cusp of change On the edge of your identity, tripping into new phrases and places and people The leaves are dried and waiting for your winter Bury them deep beneath with the moments and the fear Forge your body into who you are in your head, and I promise I will try to follow.

GROWING UP IS GETTING OLD (samthuh)

[samthuh]

SO I GUESS YOU'RE THE HANDS ON MY SHOULDERS, SCREAMING "WHY DON'T YOU GET THIS?" AND I GUESS I'M THE HANDS ABOVE YOUR COLLARBONES, WONDERING "COULD I FOLLOW IF YOU LEFT?

WHAT ELSE COULD KILL ME? (samthuh)

[samthuh]

my mother will not be proud my grand mother will have to look on another to live vicariously as she so dreams when i was a child i knew my body would not bear it’s own my body would die before such a day could come i would make sure of it i am afraid of the eyes that are framed too nice, too pretty to have good intentions this young i am aware of the consequences, i feel them breath down my neck i would die before i faced them my head is big my imagination cannot be contained within it i will cross the oceans to meet the descendants of people who’s only hope was to have a child not die of disease to pass on a name no one will know them by no one will know me by mine but may know mine from another branch with the buds it nurtures so fresh, so untouched by ignorance so uncurrupted by the absence of light i fear now i will be alone no one will share this unconventional perspective i have branded on the backs of my eyelids each blink reminds me i am not wired right the fresh buds, what is the fuss? we were all once like that unwrinkled, unthinking, learning with every sound and touch there is beauty in what we become in the tired in the face of the rest of our lives they are choose to ignore it to live a life like they are children they let themselves become convinced Christmas is only good when there is a baby in the room who still thinks Santa brings presents down a chimney that doesn’t even connect to the outside of the house who still giggles like the first time while they crawl in and out of the ripped wrapping paper i still see that tree plastic decorated in blinking and glowing plastic lights, like the first time this is grey they let it be no one tries any more they let the wonder slip out of their pockets let it drip unnoticed form their ears it bleeds from their eyes and nose and mouth and they don’t care they let it be the grey and they wonder why nothing feels special any more who did this? who made us old and made us forget what wonder and learning felt like? they did it on their own and no one notices at all i will not be unsatisfied with my life i do not put the fate of my happiness in the hands of others in the hands of my own blood the hands that will know no bodies and know no brains that will no nothing more of its self or anything else then we know of the stars my mother wants a child i will not bear i value myself and i know i would not if i did i don’t think the naivety makes Christmas i do not think their inability to care for themselves make them cute i am naive but i am old, i can talk and walk and it’s not a novel thing any more i don;t understand the pull to create your own person what, to be happy for half of four years? until they can walk and talk and become a reflection of you the person they’ve learned everything from the good and the bad they aren’t so cute when they’re old a prison with no bars what does it matter? why does everyone dream of that? there is beauty even where you have grown tired of what you have created i am not cute to the grown ups any more because i don’t drool and reduce everyone’s names to two syllables how is that supposed to make your five teenagers feel when you say Christmas is different when they’re little because we have been taught to contain our excitement? to internalize our feelings because in the sixth grade you told me you had no time to hear about my day? because even though i haven’t slept in weeks and you never taught us to do chores that one day we are expected to run the household like you have died? i get it five kids is hard five kids feel disconnected and misunderstood because one day you woke up and decided we didn’t need to be taught and scold us for the things we don;t know you haven’t done a damn thing for me for me since there was a war for our affections you don’t teach us don’t worry if we are ok just yell and throw words at us and tell us “you are just like your father” the first time it took my breath away now it’s every second line with you don’t tell me you love me you don’t love me the things you say that are supposed to make me warm and fuzzy inside are just habit a leftover reflex from when you felt we needed you we still do you just are tired of us five kids pulling on your leg five kids that need validation i don’t know about them but i gave my dreams up for you i took my passions in my hands and threw them out the window because you asked me to and since that day i’ve had my head out the window watching them crash into the concrete and split open like a body it’s me every night on the concrete barely breathing can’t escape you i loved you like the sun until you reached down, tugged me off the ground by the collar, looking me dead in the eyes and without a drop of sympathy on your sweaty face told me to grow up i’m sorry i can’t give you what you want i’m sorry i can’t be the daughter you dreamed of seventeen years ago when you held me when you fell in love with the smooth, untouched skin of a new born child a child that made Christmas something else brought the magic back to the everyday rising and setting the child who grew up believing you were every fiber of every living breathing thing the things that felt happiness and felt the rain felt the slap of a mother who got tired of caring and believed that throwing their flesh out the window with all the things they gave up for you when you believed that was love don’t be surprised when i don’t hug you back when i don’t say i love you back when i don’t tell you about my day when i leave the house and don’t tell you where i’m going when i sit on the ground in my closet, arguing with myself that this is what you made me into and i deserve to be away from people who make me feel like i have already died when i refuse to bear the child you have been dreaming of since the first time i forgot to wash my own dishes don’t be surprised when i leave and don;t look back we both know i’m nostalgic but you don’t know what i have become when you left me alone when you told me you loved me don’t be surprised when i tell you i will not bear a child because i love myself and i love myself enough to know that if you wanted a family and this is how it turned out tired of us before we were old enough for that kind of abandonment then whatever child i would have wouldn’t deserve that don’t say you love me when it’s just a reflex don’t say you love me because i’m too old for that, remember? i don’t need you you made sure of that

Kids (samthuh)

[samthuh]

I stare out bus windows like the underpaid extra in every movie you've ever seen I laugh at jokes I don't think are funny to boost someone's confidence I don't have to ask myself why I write It's because everyone likes background noise; the hum that means you aren't alone And no one is going to ask how my day went and mean it

excerpt from an unfinished poem that will probably be titled “REASONS I AM SO ALONE” (samthuh)

[samthuh]

It's Thursday, early morning the sun drifts lazily through sheer curtains there is dust that floats soundlessly, only stirred by our breaths barely awake; barely sleeping This is when I realize we are not simply co-existing as we once had been we are no longer two halves of different wholes just trying to get by, sharing the same home When you roll over to stop my alarm before it can make even a sound You turn to me over hunched shoulders I close my eyes and feel you coming closer, can hear the anticipation in your mouth. It’s early Thursday morning when I hear a whisper that stirs the dust a bit more delicately then our hushed waking and this is when I realize we are not as temporary as our bodies would like us to believe

THE FIRST ONE (samthuh)

[samthuh]

Hang me from the stair well spiralled Lay me in the backyard Reveal your past to me I am no longer unseen Tie me to your longest lies I will choose which ones to light For I have known what lays beneath It is all but a surprise Lavish me with all your loves The ones to trust and ones unspun I have not yet known unconditional Not from the apprentice To throw me far with anger and might And the angry spitting in tongues You slap me left and madness "I will always love you"

TEACHING LOVE (samthuh)

[samthuh]

Is it too much too ask? For you to love me like you mean it even if we’re just going to die anyway?

LOVE IS SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T LAST (samthuh)

[samthuh]

isn't it just the slightest bittersweet? that even though you can roll like thunder, when the lightning strikes, I'll still find you beneath the sheets?

GIVE IT UP (samthuh)

[samthuh]

I didn't know how to say it how to write the right lines how to string together the right rhymes how to get you to stop and think, maybe this time I have something intelligible not negligible, to say I've wasted our words and breathe our patience and then some I tried to tell you how worthless you were how paper cranes weren't worth your happiness when the folds took hours to perfect and the smile melted like bubble-gum ice cream in august heat off your face let me be clear; to me this is real it was never a race to see who would first say how they feel rather two time lines learning to travel in the same time with one another I've never had a lover and you've got lines of other girls who know how a guy like you needs to be held, needs to be touched and felt I'm sorry that I can't kiss you and make you melt make you see light in a dark place make you feel whole from the first taste make you plead guilty to a murder case for another night I'm the day type so maybe I should stop apologizing and you should start analysing just what it was that you did to end up in a land mine like mine where sunset used to make you wonder if good girls were secretly dying, just waiting for someone to make them bad when sunrise brought the revelation that just because I was good, didn't mean I couldn't be had yes, I thought I was clever in a way that made my heart stiff and that I was desirable in a way that drove you mad now here autopilot silences filled with small talk lights out in your room that makes me wanna scream has you trying to talk me into it but no means no and go means go so that's how I ended up, sitting on my counter with my first trip to the lq wondering if I had really needed a mess like you to make me into the girls I saw on tv, tears included staring at the ceiling, knocking back another swing, reminding myself I didn't need trouble but maybe in a hopeless kind of way, without strings attached, I wanted you

MAYBE CROSSING THAT LINE DOESN’T SOUND SO BAD (samthuh)

[samthuh]

What is it that makes him tick What makes him think to throw as many daggers as he can my way in a minute What makes me putty in his hands Who put me in his hands There is no gravity; no attraction between us How have we managed to grow like red wood roots; Intertwining and overlapping and spiraling around each others necks Who put him in my hands? He is too sturdy to need a support I am too naive to need a warrior on horse back No one ever died from the knife they didn't see Or at least there was no anticipation And that's all there is now. When will he think it's his place to put me in mine How does he always have the world behind him How do I always end up out of orbit Scrambling for the footholds I'd dug out the last time I forgot I wasn't what he made me into What he twisted and stretched and sewed me into A patchwork daydreamer; weaker by the minute Farther apart by the second A merciless tornado I wasn't this sharp before he decided I needed him Wasn't this tempered before I became your mirror A patchwork daydream became a mudslide of ugly I can scream Doesn't he like it? I can insult him for the things he cannot change How did I end up in his hands? Who threw me into this hurricane? I pray it wasn't me

WHO PUT ME HERE (samthuh)

[samthuh]

I know what I am I fear it in darkness and at dawn when I'm dangling from the edge of a cliff a death drop; I wonder if they will think they knew me well Will they bring flowers? Will they know that I would hate that because things just die things slip away, they get lost  people love and leave and get lost I only ever did two of those things and if they knew me well enough, they wouldn't bring flowers If they really knew me If they only knew I was a glass half empty kind of girl look over your shoulder after three steps when you pass someone, when you pass anyone on the street kind of girl hopeless romantic, twisted conscience, no going back lose your mind, break your bones but never get first place kind of girl I was back round noise; the butt of the joke, always on the wrong side of the table to see the picture so I'll just sip my drink and pretend like I don't care If they think they know me I'm a fucking ray of sunshine shit rainbows, forever the optimist, life-is-full-of-second-chances kind of girl always have your back kind of girl God forbid I ask anyone to look out for me, right? I'll ask how you're feeling and ask if you believe in miracles may as well because if you think you know me, you probably think I believe in unicorns too Let's sing out the windows of your car Let's dance in the rain until we're soaked to our bones then will you think, maybe I need someone to hold the door for me too? You'll have to guess because I'll never tell I know what I am and I'll wish I could burden you with that too to tell you that I want to know everything so don't hint at a grave unless you want me to dig it up, relentless until I reach it I'm a blood hound I'll ask about things I shouldn't, whenever it's most inappropriate I'll do the dirty work I'll hold your hand as you spill your tragedies to me but my mouth will be closed, unable to offer any condolences, any 'I know how it feels' or 'it's okay, it happens' because the truth is, if you really know me you'd know as much as I want to listen to you tear your scars open for me I hate myself for wanting to hear it so badly If you think you know me, you'd think I lived life with a childish zest for the little things If you really know me, you'd know I'd rather distract my self with things that offer instant satisfaction because I know I'll never be able to work hard enough I'll never come first place so nothing is ever worth the long term satisfaction I don't even know if I work myself so hard, go sleepless to prove to everyone else that I'm fine that I'm just tired from the load that I just need a break Or if I'm doing it to prove to myself that maybe this time I'll be first I'll be the one to beat sure, being the best isn't everything But if you knew me, you'd know why I care so much I know what I am I walk the line between what you know and what you think you know but I'm only human, so you've probably seen more then I want you to What do you do with the pieces that were never meant to see the light of day let alone your eyes pretend you didn't see them? (because that's what I would want) pretend you don't care? (because that's what you want) I've been paper macheing this mask together for a long time I know what to do when I see beneath the surface I dig, whether you and I like it or not but nobody is digging up my graves so what is it you do with them? I know what I am I know it's scary to think the girl who would throw herself on the sword for you would tear herself apart for someone who barely meant to ask I know it's unnatural I know not everyone else is as self aware, so I can't blame them for the things I do to myself the things I have done for the parts of myself I sewed closed because they were uncool the parts I shredded because they reminded me of origins and their stories the parts I gave away because keeping them meant I was selfish and no one likes a selfish girl and no one likes a girl who always makes it about her a girl who makes it about everyone else? she's great! but now she has no... substance. try again. and now I'm static again Just as I always was, as I always will be I know what I am I feared it in youth and I will fear it until I'm dangling from the edge of a cliff a death drop; the final one. I wonder if you will think you knew me well and after all this, Do you?

I KNOW WHAT I AM (samthuh)