starziligtt

[starziligtt]

Most of the time, I can't think of anything to say out loud or even write down.

Why?

Because my thoughts are not solid objects.

They're abstract. Untouchable. Stormy. Uncontrollable. Swirling around and tearing my heart into red petals of flowers that withered in silence.

And since silence is what my heart would be when it was torn apart, I prefer to let the silence speak my thoughts itself.

After all, "words are the source of misunderstanding."

[starziligtt]

My self-hatred pours out like blood, though the poet in my head would always heal my wounds.

[starziligtt]

I realized why i've been sticking with my negative thoughts.

It is because, without the pain, without feeling numb, without the constant overthinking, I could never feel anything anymore.

[starziligtt]

Slowly, i am falling back into my forever overthink loop.

Think. Think. And think. And sleep pills. 1 a.m. Turning around. Think. Close my eyes. And think. And open my eyes. 6 a.m.

And tried to write poem.

And failed.

And lost all my poetic words.

Because afterall, pain is not as poetic as us poets often described.

Pain is pain and blood is blood. Nothing more, nothing less. Not a beautiful story with sorrowful whispers, not a cut with blood spilling out beautifully.

You will know.

[starziligtt]

staring at the ceiling,

breathing in silence

i can't sleep tonight -

and yes, it makes sense.

[starziligtt]

Why am I still alive and active on this blog.. huh... :')

[starziligtt]

Can you forgive me?

I'm sorry. I know I'm selfish, I know I'm nothing but a good person. I'm a hypocrite, I don't even care about the others. Like a contradiction, I cannot understand myself anymore.

How do you feel about me? Hatred, disappointment, or disgust?

I will make you feel hostile towards me. You don't need to love me - it is too dangerous, too risky. Please, hate me, harass me before I involuntarily care about you.

Do you hate me?

I hate myself, too.

[starziligtt]

Can you forgive me?

I'm sorry. I know I'm selfish, I know I'm nothing but a good person. I'm a hypocrite, I don't even care about the others. Like a contradiction, I cannot understand myself anymore.

How do you feel about me? Hatred, disappointment, or disgust?

I will make you feel hostile towards me. You don't need to love me - it is too dangerous, too risky. Please, hate me, harass me before I involuntarily care about you.

Do you hate me?

I hate myself, too.

[starziligtt]

Sometimes when I look at you, I feels like you're the raindrops.

Raindrops are fragile and ephemeral, yet strong and beautiful in their own way. Full of mystery, and like the rain itself - you can just disappear anywhere, anytime, like the evaporation of water after rain.

Raindrops and you.

You're both delicate, both beautiful. I see you and I see the raindrops, I hear it dancing on the roof with a surreal melody just like your voice.

You're like the cold raindrops, pouring down, bringing life to my heart before slipping through my hand and vanishing away.

I see you and see the raindrops.

And I always wait for you to return.

[starziligtt]

Can you forgive me?

I'm sorry. I know I'm selfish, I know I'm nothing but a good person. I'm a hypocrite, I don't even care about the others. Like a contradiction, I cannot understand myself anymore.

How do you feel about me? Hatred, disappointment, or disgust?

I will make you feel hostile towards me. You don't need to love me - it is too dangerous, too risky. Please, hate me, harass me before I involuntarily care about you.

Do you hate me?

I hate myself, too.

[starziligtt]

Today I know you're still somewhere out there, silently follow me through this invisible storm. Silently brings me hope. Silence, that's all I receive from you.

But I'm grateful for that fact.

I'm glad that we're still alive.

[starziligtt]

bad words below. skip if you're not comfortable:')

Life's kinda sucks lately. Well, to say it bluntly, LIFE IS FUCKING ME SO HARD.

What the fuck is empathy?? Holy shit stop being ✨freaky✨ for once and leave me alone you weirdo.

-From me,

To life, with love<3 (stfu and go away)

(Not going to be poetic today. Not when I'm feeling like swearing)

[starziligtt]

I swear I'm going to kms one day if this fucking life continues to drown me in grades and useless expectations ughhhh🙏🏻🙄

[starziligtt]

It is Valentine today, does it?

How melancholic it is - memories about the past "one-sided love" pass my mind.

No, it's not love - it's an endless muse. A kind of inspiration that causes my heart to sing, a kind of impulse that makes me want to write down the songs that only a flicker of a lonely star up on the hollow night sky could understand.

Dear mutuals, you may have been chosen as one of my muses - who knows?

Nonetheless, happy Valentine's, darlings!

Tagging the ones (both online and irl) that have some impact on my daily life (I mean I've been stalking you muahahaha 😎):

My besties @yappingyapping , @beyond-the-red and uhmmm....

@mayaspeaks and @generallyelijah 👉🏻👈🏻

[starziligtt]

I meet you on a summer evening- Up the hill where the white clouds float. A sweet sting, I know this is love, The spring comes, and the feelings bloom.

[starziligtt]

It's almost Valentine...

1 day 1 hour 23 minutes left.

[starziligtt]

The pain is what slowly kills me, Though the pain is what keeps this corpse alive.

I am not sane, neither crazy Just that the contradiction is my mind itself.

The ache in my veins wound my soul, Even so, I can not live without a bleeding bruise to remind me that I still exist.