storynookofabun - Tumblr blog

[storynookofabun]

You'd think for someone who can write quite eloquently I'd be able to verbalize just the same But I can't I can type these words all day long, twisting and manipulating them into submission But when I speak it's their turn My tongue stumbles over my brain and no one understands But I can't explain Typing and writing mean erasing and adjusting Verbalizing is permanent you only get so many do overs I'm struggling to find my words because my heart and my brain are at an impasse with my tongue But what kind of a reason is that in the real world? I speak and I can see the questions forming in their eyes I speak again and the questions are replaced by confusion and impatience I stutter and frustration is rising I excuse myself I silence myself

[storynookofabun]

It's funny how we always fit no matter the position we're in Literally and figuratively They weren't lying when they said you can fall deeper in love The smell of your hair, the warmth of your skin Your laugh and your grin

[storynookofabun]

It's heart palpitations and racing thoughts while carrying conversation It's going through social gestures and cues with precision so you don't see what's askew I'm anxious My thoughts rain down like a sudden unexpected storm Where you don't even smell the coming rain or feel the warning winds I'm anxious Existing in two spaces at once Here in my head and in reality Coaching myself to wellness and thinking myself into madness I'm not well and yet I am

[storynookofabun]

Life

Where on Earth am I going with you? It feels like I’m spinning aimlessly and all my attempts to steer you in a direction always fail. I think that is what is most difficult, trying you hardest, always placing your best foot forward and it still not being enough. I think it’s crazy to be told that you’re overqualified, as if with the way millennial life is going that I’m expecting to be paid much or would make much fuss over a few cents or dollars. Staying positive through out all this especially after so long starts to grind on you. You’re tired of greeting every challenge and rejection with a smile and positive attitude. Promising yourself not to be upset and just work 10x harder to achieve your goals. Rejection is never easy, but maintaining a happy mindset in the face of so much negativity is what is difficult. 

[storynookofabun]

That's my face

[storynookofabun]

When I was a kid...

I loved cookies and milk. Chips ahoy cookies and milk to be specific. As usual, one day I spotted a brand spankin new box of cookies and thought why not. I must have eaten half the box by the time I went outside to play. After some time, I puked on my mom's prized tulips. I tried hosing them off and did a pretty great job. She never could figure out why so many rodents were eating them.

[storynookofabun]

When I was a kid...

I had heard of other children having imaginary friends and decided that I should have one too. I modeled it after Bugs Bunny because he was cute,funny and mischievous, much like myself. I called him Bugs for short and soon we were in full swing. We had to cut our friendship short when my mom saw me by the water fountain not drinking the water I was dispensing saying “drink up Bugs, I know you’re thirsty”. I had a series of psych evaluations after that.

[storynookofabun]

When I was a kid...

I had a fondness for peanut butter at some point...ok fine, it was more of an obsession at one point. I could sit with an entire jar for a good portion of the day and get it to about halfway. i know disgusting to some of you and probably nothing to other pb lovers. Anyway, I had a weird thought one day to just feel the pb. It started innocently enough, a spoonful into my hand and quickly escalated. My mom eventually walked in on me smearing it down my face and whooped my ass so hard that to this day I dislike peanut butter.

[storynookofabun]

When I was a kid...

Before I had siblings I had grown rather fond of being the center of my parents’ universe.

Until my brother showed up.

There were talks of a new baby, but as far as I was concerned it meant more adult gibberish. When they decided to have the baby shower I figured it was yet another party in favor of my greatness. I was a kickass kid, who everyone adored why not?

Well the why not was my little brother and I figured this out once everyone was ignoring me. I kept tugging on people’s arms and asking for things but they were too busy surrounding my mom’s fat belly.

Whatever. There were presents and obviously they were meant for me. I tore one open: a blue onesie, gross I hated the color blue didn’t they know this? Second: something called nipple pads that claimed to soothe aching nipples, what even were those and why would they be aching?

By the fifth present: a rattle, I was so unnerved. These were baby things and frankly I was insulted. Well that wound was about to be rubbed with salt when my dad discovered what I had done. I was scolded and scooped away from the gifts.

Couple months later, the brat came into my life. When they brought him home I peered into his crib. How ugly. This little pink thing with a scrunched up face. I told them, again not understanding, that I did not want him especially in my room and for them to take him back.

Imagine my joy when they scolded me again and told me “he’s here forever”.

[storynookofabun]

Been away

And now I’m back, prepare yourselves.

[storynookofabun]

Prompt # 1 | 3/12/15-3/19/15 You have a superpower, but this power is also your greatest fear. What is your power? How do you use it? How does it use you?

  “You’re so manipulative!” she teases me while shoving the pillow in my face. I love hearing her laugh, nothing is more infectious than the way her voice rings out in that melodic tune she hates so much. I smile in response remaining quiet, content to interact this way for eternity. However many minutes have passed we are both unaware having both fallen into syncopated silence. A glance at her ridiculously hot pink cat wall clock reminds me that I have to go if I want to be on time for work. Sighing in frustration I need not say word to her, she already knows and gets my shoes and coat ready.

I step out the door and the freezing wind whips my face mercilessly. Keeping my head down I make my way to my car and jump in before what I perceive as potential frostbite setting in. In an attempt to warm up faster, since the car takes time, I rub my calloused hands together while simultaneously blowing air into them. A car pulls up next to me, honking to see whether or not I am leaving the spot. I raise my hand in assurance that I am leaving and begin to move the car out of the way but am violently thrown to the passenger side.

There is a dull ache on the entire right side of my body, screaming and what sounds like broken glass. My vision is hazy and I see her as a set of triplets rushing towards me. She pulls the door open and I don’t realize that I was pressed up against it until my body falls into her arms. Strange, I was freezing a few seconds ago and here I am as warm and comfortable as when I wake up wrapped around her beneath the comforter on a Saturday morning.

“NO!” I scream and protest and start shoving my hands in her face. Anything, I have to do everything I can do get her off of me. I am in agonizing pain but she has to let go of me. Already I am draining her life energy.  She’s confused and does not understand so she grips me tighter holding me closer to her in an attempt to calm me down. Fuck that guy who crashed into me and makes his way over in his douche bag suede tracksuit and sunglasses in the middle of an overcast winter day. I make a reach for him, hoping to get him instead, but I know I don’t. What was once supple warmth is now shriveled and cold, but still she clings me to her. “Oh what the fuck?!” tracksuit starts shouting repeatedly like it’s his mantra. I drop to the pavement only because her withered body no longer has the strength to hold me up. 

[storynookofabun]

When I was a kid...

I went through a bubble phase. I had so many bottles of various soapy concoctions that I thought there could not possibly be any more that I would need.

Until they released edible bubbles.

I needed it. Problem was that my parents' wallets also knew of my collection and said no. Luckily, my grandmother bought it for me (yes, spoiled we'll discuss that another time)

The only problem with this formula was its viscosity. Whatever they had put in it made the bubbles heavy and they would fall to the floor with a dissatisfying plop. I wanted light bubbles that would float into the air which I could chase and consume. That was the dream.

Here's the nightmare.

I would not allow myself to taste the bubbles until I could get one to float. What felt like hours passed and I became frustrated. My clouded judgement caused me to chug the formula in order to make up for my disappointment. I got so sick I retched all over the driveway. Poison control was called and disapprovingly pointed out the warning label that claimed excessive consumption was not safe.

[storynookofabun]

I will not forgive you

For one day, you will be bitter and shriveled. Your skin will sag and your brittle bones will creak with wear and still I will not forgive you. May your demons haunt you for the rest of your days and keep you company in isolation. I pray you hold on to your anger and insecurities like they are the thinning strings keeping you dangling above the burning inferno of hell. And even when those ties give out and you plummet below.

Still I will not forgive you.

[storynookofabun]

When I was a kid...

I was quite the butterball, I loved food! Everywhere we went I always had something in my hand. Being such a glutton meant that I also quite often, even if it was just a snack.                                                                                             There was a time my mother brought me to her job at the hospital and she was running late tending to some patients. Well I was famished and desperate for food, sure that I would die. Until I remembered that neat little room they had called the pantry. I went and opened up the fridge and saw lots of lunchboxes labeled with people's names. I picked the sandwich named "Miller" and took a bite. Disgusting. At the time, I hated mustard so I spat it out in the trash can and threw the sandwich back in the fridge, angry that the first source of nourishment would be so foul. My mom eventually called for me and we left for real food. She noticed the mustard on my face and saw who I assumed to be Miller and quickly ushered us to the elevator. It was like watching the doors of life closing on me, she slapped the back of my head so hard I bounced off the elevator doors.

[storynookofabun]

When I was a kid...

Potty training was not a hard idea for me to grasp, if I felt the urge I would go and that was it. Except, I was afraid of going number 2 for some odd reason. At such a young age I was having an existential crisis as to where my doo was going and why the toilet needed it.

This would cause a string of multiple repeated events where I became so afraid that I refused to let the toilet have it. I would hold it in. Yes you read that right, I did that. My grandmother noticed this and kept suppositories handy, as she would put it "I see Sa-cha (because she could not say Sasha) turning red in dee corner and chee making dee noise "oo oo" and I pick her up and pop it right in "boop!" "

[storynookofabun]

"It's all in your head, just relax, nothing is wrong"

Please stop these are things I have known all along

I have sung myself to sleep chanting this

I have cried alone screaming this

I know it's in my head and that is the problem

Each bad thought I banish, brings along friends

That drill through my skull bouncing around in my head

It's my insecurities, scenarios and fears coming out to play

They are unwelcomed guests overstaying their stay

They're demons feasting on my flesh

Discarding my stability in a scattered mess

Do you think I can control it? Take a step in my mind

Where every agonizing thought is a fear of how I die

Or how I look at my past with regret

But you're right no reason to fret

Please stop telling me I need to have better control

Because it's getting really old

I never had it to begin with

[storynookofabun]

Can you tell me the very moment you became afraid of the world?

When you realized that evil went beyond the t.v., your closet and beneath your bed

When did you start to fear climbing the trees and running until you were out of breath

Do you remember?

Can you recall the last time you were carefree

When was the last time you woke up without worrying about the errands for the day

I can't remember