#//also forgive the other tags im just... trying to get my art out there

[seeminglydark]

Forgive me if this is weird to say, but as someone who really struggles to get attached to his own ocs out if fear of seeming cringe (and trying really hard to break out of thar) I really admire how much you unabashedly love your characters and how much it shows in your art

hahaha its not weird to say at all, I actually also struggle with this. I get a lot of self embarrassment and feel cringe about the fact that i draw the same things all the time, i dunno if that helps to hear. Sometimes I even refrain from posting things for a few days, or i wont post them in places like patreon or my patreon server or something cuz i have this fear of 'Oh Not Again.'

I think what helps me is remembering that first and foremost, I created my ocs for ME. I draw them for me. everything I do, its for me, coping mechanisms, self therapy, working through issues, or just for fun and aesthetic. They are extensions of me, and loving them is basically learning to love me. I put the care i should have been giving myself all this time into them, and it weirdly helps with my own self love journey, cuz honestly I feel pretty cringe most of the time and like i dont belong in most spaces. My ocs ease that, its a way of putting my heart and thoughts on paper so to speak.

These days i tell myself if people get bored, or dont want to see characters, or think im cringey, they have the freedom to unfollow. The internet is a vast place. When people are jerks about it, which I'll be honest, has happened WAY less than my brain tells me it will, i ignore and move on. No one has to be here. Has it happened? Yeah once or twice maybe, but compared to the positive messages I get its really rare. it's more that i think the rejection hurts us more when we hear it, I combat this by keeping a document where I've copy pasted all the comments/tags/dms that made me feel good, that way i can read through it and remind myself most people that are here love what i do. i like to think thats why people followed me.

And you know what, its so hard to separate ourselves from what people think of us, so remember the good things, cuz its incredibly rewarding that theres people who DO wanna be here. That love them maybe just as much as me. That feeling is WAY Bigger than the cringe feeling. The fact that i CAN be obsessive and cringe and people are on this ride with me? Holy Shit like I cant even describe how good that feels.

Create first and foremost for you. Thats the win, right there. And if it so happens others want to walk that road with you, well you've already won by creating so thats just a really cool bonus. Remember the kind interactions you have with people.They mean so much more than the negative ones. Love your ocs cuz they are a part of you in some kinda way and you deserve that love and care too.

-RJ

[bayfuzzball7050]

INTRODUCTION POST AND RULES 🔥🔥🦾🦾🦾🦈🦈

More under the cut :P

Hello bitches, bros and non binary hoes 🦾🦾 The name’s Andrés or Diego. Call me whatever ya want, idc

So

I’m a Trans Guy, he / him and if you don’t know me a they / them it’s ok I don’t mind that much. NO SHE HER IMMA BEAT UR ASS

☆ I got that dawg in me (asd) actually pls be patient im a little slow on some things

☆ Artist

☆ Art requests are currently closed!!

(for when I open them: I draw anything but nsfw/kinks and proship stuff)

☆ Writer (no fanfic here tho)

☆ don’t ask for pics you ain’t getting em

☆ if I use emojis, be aware that most of the time it’s ironic

☆ I make a lot of kys/kms jokes, if you’re not ok with this, please don’t follow

☆ i LOVE spammers, spam likes, reblogs, whatever as much as you like :3 (if ya want to like no pressure)

☆ if ya wanna be mutuals just ask I don’t mind I’ll just check yo vibe and that’s it

Art tag: #my art

Post tag/reblogs where I add something: #momazos diego

BY THE WAY!!

☆ I usually don’t add tw (tho I dont post stuff with heavy themes often if I’m honest like I rarely do it) But if anything, be wary

☆ I also always have my notifications off so please don’t feel bad if I don’t answer a dm or anything of the sort

☆ please excuse me if I reblog/like artists who are proshippers, I don’t tend to check blogs before interacting🧍🏽(I’ve gotten myself blocked many times because of this)

☆ also like if they problematic in general like idk if maybe someone I reblogged has been in a big ahh controversy or summ so uhhh forgive me

So, I think imma make(try) a dni list but ik it’s ultimately useless cuz like I can’t force ya and im not your dad plus I’m too lazy to look through every blog that reblogs or likes but uh blocklist ig???

It’s just basic dni criteria, but like if ya wanna read ig?

SHIT THAT GETS YA BLOCKED ‼️‼️

(some of these are oddly specific)

☆ zionists, racists, homophobes, ace exclusionists/phobes, antisemits (guess that’s how you say it???), conservatives, mofos who discriminate/hate minorities in general

☆ Proshippers, Comshippers, anti-anti’s and profiction mfs

Why, you may ask? Horrible past experiences with these mofos and *other* bad experiences that ain’t really related to ‘em but remind me of so like if ur a proshipper just block me and move on I don’t want y’all around. Not rlly into the discourse and prolly never gonna post abt it but yeah

no Patrick, im not against the portrayal of fucked up things, im against the portrayal of those things as a type of pornography.

☆ On a similar note, I HATE LOL1C0NS AND SHOTAC0NS KYS…NOWW

☆ ON ANOTHER SIMILAR NOTE! even if I do hate proshippers, autoshippers/selfshippers are cool like hell yeah you go marry your blorbo 🔥🔥🔥

☆ Transphobes / TERFS

I think the whole ‘Im trans’ shit explains it well enough 💀

☆ SWERFS can also go fuck themselves

☆ Misandrists and radfems too like why you here 💀 when I first hear the term i thought it was about the most radical females 🤙 but dude…these girl be saying some bogus about other chicks!

☆ Transmeds/Truscums/anti-MOGAI mfs get the hell out of here I hate you like Imagine gatekeeping gender cuz someone doesn’t fit your idea of what a trans person is thats stupid af 😭😭

☆ Transid, “Transabled”, "transracial" are not welcome. I support trans people, MOGAI in. You support racist, ableist and ageist views and stuff of the sort, kindly fuck off and educate yourself.

☆ Radqueers in general actually

☆ NSFW agere blogs (SFW agere it’s cool I don’t mind)

☆ pedos/MAPS I want you hanging on the STREET

☆ Paraphilics in general

☆ Misgendering kink blogs cuz WHY THE HELL ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME¿ AND IM TRANS WTH¿¿

☆ kink blogs in general actually ☠️

☆ Pro-ANA or Pro-MIA mofos y’all please seek therapy

☆ swifties.

To be honest I don’t check the blogs of most people who reblog or like but- Ricky…Ricky when I catch you Ricky-

(I mostly notice when I get followed but- anyway 😻)

THIN ICE:

☆ Giomis shippers

Why? Cuz not all of them are proshippers but a vast majority is and giomis kinda weirds me out💀ik the age gap small but still it’s kinda….

☆ dsmp fans

As much as I enjoy the Fanart and maybe the roleplay was interesting I have like personal beef with the fanbase and creators

☆ Hannibal Fans

The franchise is fire but I also have beef with Hannibal fans cuz for some reason most of them proshippers

☆ MHA fans for the same reason as Hannibal fans

☆ Same with South Park

☆ Same goes for Homestuck fans

☆ Same goes for Steven Universe fans. It’s mid btw

☆ ONE PIECE fans, y’all didn’t do anything wrong it’s just that I haven’t caught up with the show 😭😭

☆ NSFW blogs (as in porn/smut)

ANYWAY

Languages I speak:

☆ Spanish (mother language)

☆ English

☆ A tiny bit of Italian

FANDOMS IM IN (but I forget sometimes 😿)

☆ JJBA (what I post about mostly (going insane over this))

☆ LOST MEDIA. (Believe it or not, im also going insane over this.)

☆ Berserk

☆ Madoka Magica

☆ ikigusare (best virtual girl band ever fr fr)

☆ Gorillaz

☆ Good Omens

☆ Moral Orel

☆ Dorohedoro

☆ My Little Pony

☆ Sonic fandom

☆ Undertale / Deltarune

☆ Breaking Bad / Better Call Saul

☆ El Cuarteto De Nos

☆ Azumanga Dioh!

☆ Vocaloid

☆ Project Sekai

☆ D4DJ

☆ Food Fantasy

☆ FNAF (grrrr I love fnaf,,)

☆ Emo / Scene / Scemo (I just don’t have money for clothes nor the patience to make a blog only for that 😭😭)

☆ actually like another shit ton more but I can’t remember 😔

Socials:

☆ Reddit u/BayFuzzball7050 (old account, permanently banned)

☆ Reddit u/BayFuzzball404 (Current Account)

☆ ofc Tumblr

☆ Wattpad and AO3 but we ain’t talking about that 🤫🧏‍♂️

☆ @bayfuzzball7050-art is my art blog (reblogs from here)

☆ …

☆ also I might or might not have a questionable side art blog (collect my shitposts)

☆ ALSO! recently opened a Pixiv :3

☆ And NOW I HAVE AN ARTFIGHT! (sea foam)

Dis me btw

[averageclawcodeenjoyer]

Alright so as far as introductions go, I guess I should probably make one before I get too far into this.

HERES MY ABOUT ME POST!

My name's Leonardo, and you can call me any version of that that you want (Leo, Leon, Leonard, Nardo[my favorite], either way, it's all the same to me.) My pronouns are He/Him. I am an artist, author, animator, and a DEDICATED CLAWCODE ENTHUSIST (Hence the name)

I am also VERY autistic and don't get tone a lot, so tone tags are very important to me, especially when there's joking or sarcasm involved.

Ahem.

I know the Spiderverse Fandom isn't particularly alive (SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP) but I will try to post often, even if it's just a shitpost here and there. I really want to help feed into the ClawCode brain rot since the content for these two is SEVERELY FUCKING LACKING. So. If you have requests for things, I will probably end up doing them! My asks are always open, and I'd love to hear from anybody. I don't have any friends that love them the way that I do 😔😔

I have not had Tumblr before! Which is a little insane, so I'm new to all of this and learning how everything works. Please forgive me if I don't know the proper etiquette on this app lmao. My friend has been guiding me through all of this and told me to make an About Me post, so that's what I'm doing.

Here are some tags that will frequent my posts!

Yapping Hour - Will either be used for headcanons, or short stories/ideas/other ClawCode related crap. It's just going to be a general tag that will probably go on most of my posts from here on out.

Slur Gallery - Will be of the art I post of them, be it ship art or other :3 because everybody deserves a gallery of slurs to look at. AND JUST LOOK AT THEM!

Earworm - Is the tag I'll use when there's music involved, like songs that remind me of them (and the heavy analysis that goes with it **COMING SOON**), or animatics that I'm working on, or just anything that has to do with a song. Edits, artworks, the whole shebang.

Talkaholic - This will ALSO be used for mini stories/facfics, but more often than the yapping hour. So if you wanna read my writing of them that's what you can find it under.

Offline - will be under posts like these, where it isn't directly related to anything, just random blocks of text or other art that I feel like posting.

Oil And Water - THIS tag will be about the fanfic I am currently (excruciatingly slowly) writing! It doesn't have a happy ending and is meant to be a HEAVY angst story, like hurt/no comfort or very little comfort. I have one chapter out currently but will be working on more soon (and will make a separate post about it! But I will link it here as well. MOTIVATE ME TO WRITE IT /HJ)

Prowler Party - Is what I'll put on ALL of my posts as an extra way to help find me if one so desires d=(^o^)=b

OOC - On the chance that I might make something intentionally out of character, I will put this beneath it. I know a lot of people don't like mischaracterization, or incorrect portrayal of a character, but sometimes it's really fun to write, so I will be including that was well.

I think that's all that I can think of right now (I'm running off of an hour and 40 minutes sleep), but things may change or be edited in the future. But for now, I'll be signing off.

Shipwrecked - THIS WILL BE ABOUT MY SELKIE/SIREN AU BECAUSE IM ACTUALLY NOT OKAY ABOUT IT AND NEED TO SHARE MY INSANITY

HELLO AND THANK YOU TO THE WARM WELCOME I'VE RECIEVED!!

MORE COMIGN SOON

[pastriibunz]

WELCOME TO THE KAI DREWNIVERSE!

“MONSTERS, MAYHEM, AND GODS GALORE! I’VE GOT IT ALL! TAKE MY HAND, AND I’LL TAKE YOU ON AN ADVENTURE YOU’LL NEVER FORGET!”

hi there!!! im pastriibunz! you might know me from the ask blog, @beaniibunzz i ran with my friends, chillibeanos and local-soda-can!

you might also know me for writing the Kai in Hatchetfield series (KIHF Masterpost), an OC insert fanfic series written like a script for the Hatchetfield Saga!

(PS I have an atabook! Leave me some messages!)

but more on that later, i wanna talk about ME >:]

Basic Info About Me:

☆ i think am aroace! 

☆ i'm trying out she/they pronouns!

☆ i have ADD! My friends keep saying i have undiagnosed autism-

☆ i do theater and i was in voice/singing lessons!

☆ i will be Kai Drew’s VA in TKWDLM: Voiced, as well as any other projects she needs a voice in!

☆ my best friends are @chillibeanos, @local-soda-can, and @evnt777!

☆ i like to draw and write!

And that’s me! i was kinda scrambling for things to add, so forgive me if it’s boring. But, i just wanted to get through it so i could get to the fun part. now onto my blog!! :D

i have a lot to say about this silly little blog!!!

note: my ask box is always open! fill it up with whatever your heart desires!

Things To Note:

★ I was grounded for a month, I’m back, but not without restrictions. I have 3 hours of screen time on weekdays, and 5 hours on weekends. This is subject to change.

★ Mutuals, please use the tag ‘#pastrii don’t look’ for posts with: anything very overtly sexual that isn’t written in a comedic tone. I am a sex repulsed asexual, and that type of content is very icky for me. :< [contents subject to change]

Content You Should Expect From Me:

★ my art, both silly doodles and full pieces!

★ fanfics/drabbles, mostly angst

★ my brain dumpy thoughts i thought were funny

★ oc insert content

notice how that last bullet point is bolded and italicized?

yeah that’s cause it’s super important

practically all the content on this blog will be about my OC: KAI DREW!

now, who is Kai Drew?

and why the hell is she in a shit ton of random fandoms?

well, Kai Drew is the little goober who’s managed to weasel her way into my brain, and 5 years later, she’s STILL. HERE.

she’s also on tumblr as @shxwstxpper!

she has her own silly little lore (to summarize: adoption, accidental mass murder, is god, and then shes inserted into various fandoms im into) that is super long and silly!!! maybe one day ill write about it. who knows!

so expect lots (if not all) of my content to surround around Kai!

speaking of my content…

Important Tags:

⛤ #kai drew 

⛤ #tkwdlm

⛤ #the kai who didn’t like musicals

⛤ #black kaiday

⛤ #bk

⛤ #npmk

⛤ #nerdy prudes must kai

⛤ #the kai drew and bean power hour

⛤ #kai drew and bean power hour

⛤ #kai drewniverse

⛤ #kai in hatchetfield

Kai Drewniverse Related Fandoms:

✰ Bendy And The Ink Machine

✰ Doki Doki Literature Club

✰ Toilet Bound Hanako Kun

��� Clover 2020

✰ My Hero Academia

✰ South Park

✰ Welcome Home

✰ The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals

✰ Peggy Suave

✰ The Kai Drew And Bean Power Hour!

Non Kai Drewniverse Fandoms:

⛥ Ride The Cyclone

⛥ Chad Chad (Chadlings)

⛥ Danny Gonzalez (Greg)

⛥ Psych

⛥ Drew Gooden (Little Stinkers)

⛥ Kurtis Conner (Kurtistown)

⛥ Jarvis Johnson (Unnamed Fanbase)

Important Links:

✩ TKWDLM Masterpost!

✩ Nightmare Kai-me Masterpost!

✩ Blog Boundaries: Do’s and Don’ts!

and that’s all for now! be sure to stick around to see where Kai’s silly little adventures take her next!

bye bye! :]

[coastxlwaters]

*cough* hullo i hope this isnt a strange or rude thing to say- but as like. a person from the side of sams who likes to ship things, i very much love and appreciate how kind you are!!! some people who dont like to ship things (which is 1000% okay btw, we all have our preferences) are. very big on harassment (and so are some people who *do* ship things, to be fair), but you are just. a nice person!!! ive seen you advocate to leave shippers alone and to not harass them, and that you should just block people you dont agree w instead of pestering them. and i thank you for that a whole lot, sincerely!!!

okay thats it buh bye

-bird

You just made my day, its not weird! I love to get these kinds of things, and yes im against harassing others for their own preferences. I do not like to make my blog about this stuff, and i do follow many shippers! Their art is super cool, and i just avoid the shipping parts they make. I mean, im not a romantic shipper (other than solruin) but i do have a QPR ship of dark sun/solstice x eclipse. I have lost many, many followers and mutuals from that and i dont want other people to have that feeling of dread or sadness when they watch their follower count go down or be blocked by sm they would once call their friend. It really does hurt even if you understand the reason why.

I do draw the line of shipping when it comes to minor x adult though, so i am not some amazing person who has the ability to forgive everything. I appreciate that i have had several asks like this that have made it seem like that, but i am not that great of a person.

I also think there are some that do not ship that go and harass others that dont ship under the disguise of being sm who does ship so it throws more hatred to the ones who do ship and enjoy that. I think that as i have seen it happen many times IRL and in other fandoms. Its a way to make the other side look bad, it usually works.

Im not saying that shippers do not harass, as i have seen some that do, but i am saying both sides are in the fault here.

Im adding this here:

Do. Not. Hate. The. Show. For. Disliking. Some. Ships.

They are real people who also have boundaries and preferences, we understand that yall ship the characters and not the VAs (i mean, some have done that and you really shouldnt do that) but think of it like this.

You and your sibling/close friend (just sm who you dont feel romantic attraction to) make ocs, you post them online. Then people start shipping them. You would get uncomfortable, right? Since a part of your brain is thinking: “but me and my (non romantic partner) dont like eachother like that, but now yall are making this stuff and making us uncomfortable.“

Ofc i feel as if the VA’s could have handled some things better, but we are all human and make mistakes. Just dont bring them into this. So tag your stuff correctly, do not harass, and enjoy the stuff that you enjoy and ignore the stuff you dont. Thats what you call basic human decency, you can be mad at them all you want in your head as long as you dont say it.

Sorry for the long rant, but i cant reblog stuff like this due to being blocked by people who do say stuff like this so i wanted to get this out and on my blog. And i swear to god do not go annoy or harass the people who do say this stuff and saying “why did u block this person!“ they have their reasons for blocking me and others and we should respect them. I have seen people who do this and i dont like it. So dont go harass another person for blocking sm you may think is nice. For all you know i could be a bitch and asshole irl and they know me irl and thats why they blocked me.

Dont harass or get angry at sm until you can see it from their point of view. Since you dont know what they are seeing that you are not.

(but this ask did make my day! Im literally so happy rn cause i try to practice what i preach but smt i feel like i fail or do the wrong thing that makes me look like a hypocrite!!)

[whitepassingpocs]

i feel like a lot of native asks have come through lately, so here’s mine? in short, i feel conflicted about reconnecting as im more than just a couple of generations separated from my native ancestors.

ive grown up my whole life knowing about my indigenous ancestry and while understanding of the specifics was somewhat limited in the past few years ive managed to learn a lot. however despite all this, i feel as though because my ancestors are so many generations apart from me i don't have the "right" to reconnect? however on the other hand i also feel as though my family has managed to keep many cultural traditions, values, and teachings alive and well in our line. there's a lot of things as to why, from how you're supposed to treat elders, to how to hunt and the honor you owe the animal(s), and even so i have relatives who don't use their birth names but go entirely by nicknames they were given/earned later on, etc. i know blood quantum is made up and such but i feel like/wonder how many generations removed you are from your ancestry has to have some sort of significance? right? i am the first generation out of my family who doesn't live on what is our (forgive me for not knowing the correct term) "traditional homeland", im the first to live in a different state, different areas, etc. i feel like if i don't take the steps to try to get back in contact with our indigenous community then the opportunity may be lost for each generation after me, as im the first who is unlikely to be able to raise children in the community the generations before me had because of where i live now compared to my family. it makes me sad to think that i am potentially leaving behind my ancestors, or choosing a future where i don't remember or honor them and their values but at the same time i can't help but feel like it's unnecessary or unwanted for me to try to reconnect because there are other people who are "more native" who belong more/should have the opportunity over me. i feel like just because i want something doesn't mean i should get to have it? i want to learn more about traditions my family lost and be more in touch with traditional teachings, and arts, and so much more not only just for myself but to be able to pass these things on to my children and truly honor where we came from i just feel conflicted as to whether or not it's my place to (have the opportunity) do so and am looking for some guidance from someone who's been somewhere similar or maybe even the same place? i know that nobody can make any choices for me, but i feel like between you and the community you've built here that could potentially help me somehow- whether it be through everyone's own experiences or just links to places where others have been through something similar and i would be incredibly grateful for that. thank you.

tldr: i worry i am not native enough/too far generationally from my native ancestors to bother reconnecting/be worthy of such an opportunity that i wonder if doing so is something i should even attempt or continue to consider. is there some truth to what i am saying or is it just blood quantum related stuff i should unlearn? are there any other people here who have many generations of separation between them and their indigenous ancestors who would like to weigh in with what they did? etc.

hello there. apart from checking out this blog's reconnecting tag for more advice, remember your culture is yours. it's as simple as that. it's not a pie chart or percentage, it's either something you have by blood or it isn't. your culture is yours because your ancestors are yours and their culture is yours, even with time between you. all those generations mean you have an unbroken ancestoral connection that's complicated, not diluted. adding milk to coffee doesn't mean the coffee isn't there anymore. I can't tell you how to live your life but I like to remind people that blood quantum is a colonial measurement that has nothing useful to say about WHO you are. It was the coloniser's tool. to paraphrase a great saying, the colonisers tools will never dismantle the colonisers house. you will never find reconnection in a paradigm designed for genocide. it's YOUR culture, your community and your family's culture - if you approach your learning and reconnection from a place of treating your initial connection as a fact rather than a fraction, that connection will only become stronger. wishing you all the best! If anyone has advice for anon, pls share!

[izzy-b-hands]

34 & 44!

Connie!!! Thank you!! 💖💖💖💛💛!

34. is there a song you know every word to by heart?

This is where the Autism kicks in akdnfkgng, even if I dislike a song (like actively hate lmaooo) if I hear it enough it will be stuck in there, fully remembered, forever. I can't remember my cousin's bdays without it being marked already on a calendar, but if someone asked me to sing any song I hate for karaoke? (Let's go with Blurred Lines because I watch an old Big Fat Quiz ep and guess what they played more than once 🙃): I could do it. It might not sound good, but by god every word would be there.

On the plus side, songs I love also stick in there easily, which means there's also a selection of MCR, anything that's ever been on a Saints Row soundtrack, the entire OFMD soundtrack (literally have not relistened to The Chain because it's been in my head on repeat since I watched it 😂)

Fuck the Autism also kicked in on this answer (and the next im so sorry ilu) what a book, forgive me for these lmaooo

44. you get a free pass to kill anyone, who is it?

Okay so I'm v stoned and got waaay too deep into this question ngl like. considering who and the concept of revenge and vigilante justice and would seeking the other person's death really create an overwhelming sense of fulfillment and peace, or simply mutate the current grief into something twisted and painful that haunts one until their death? Then thinking if I undertook manipulation to ensure the death of someone else but had to spend time in their company as a result am I then no better than them for having taken their hospitality which comes from their horrific actions?

Then I realized the best answer is probably Thomas Hardy or (and hoo boy am I a little scared to note this one hence writing it to evade tags) J./K./R./

The first because I hate having to read his sad sack books and like. I think it would be a mercy to kill him and put him out of his fucking misery. "Because we are to meny" fuck u Tommy Boy that shit destroyed me

And the second because her work was a huge part of my childhood. I loved that shit; I still have merch from my middle school days even that is in storage to be burned later. At one point I had planned a tattoo of a fave line even (I'm glad I waited, but had I gotten it I think now I would just be figuring out a good cover up design. That's just me personally tho cuz like. who tf gets a fun fandom tattoo and then expects This Shit from the author, ya know? I didn't as a kid, planning for that tattoo while I reread the books.)

As a result of who she's revealed herself to be and what she believes, I've cut that part of myself out like a cancer (tearing up the old books and using them for art projects, the merch burning is probably going to be done this or next summer or whenever we aren't in a damn drought with bonfire bans) but bits of it linger, ya know? Like I'll think of a song from middle school and then be blasted with the memory of how I played it on repeat while reading the latest in the series, and then remember Why i haven't been able to listen to the song in years

I wish i could literally erase all of it from my memory, never see the books or merch or the movies (on streaming sites too) ever again. But since I can't, though I keep on trying, I would settle for doing to her what she thinks should happen to people like me

However she also seems like a scrapper and she's taller than me so tbh I dunno if I would be successful or if it would be a mutual fight to the death, but I would be fine with that too. Not a win-win, but not every situation is in life lol

[cxrnxticn]

✿ da rules ✿

Activity: The activity on here will be off and on; so don’t assume I disappeared off the face of the earth if I’m gone for several days. I have a life outside of this hobby, as we all do; so please be patient with me!

NSFW-ish: This is a semi-nsfw blog (tagged #❁ — n.s.f.w. and #❁ — n.s.f.w-ish) with brief mentions of bloody fights, childhood neglect, abandonment issues, and underage exploitation. Chances for naughty stuff are pretty slim compared to my previous activity. While Mari is sexually active, Mun is ace af (and 30+); so I’ll be limiting the dirty details to vague descriptions and fade-outs if it comes to that. Also, if there are any specific tags you need me to be aware of, let me know and I'll be sure to add it! Also also, minors: do not interact!!

Shipping: This is a multi-shipping blog where each one has their own verse separated from the other. Now, when it comes to shipping, chemistry is a thing that makes both romantic and non-romantic relations worthwhile. My muse is not a pro at handling in-depth emotions; so it will take a good amount of time for her to open her heart to someone; so unless we’ve settled on a pre-established relationship, don’t expect her to throw herself onto your muse right off the bat.

Length: You’re not obligated to match my writing length but again, effort matters. For instance, if I write a paragraph, please don’t fart out a single line of dialogue. That’s just poopy.

Initiation: Never hesitate to approach me if you wanna interact! Got any ideas for our muses that tickle your fancy? I offer you consent to invade my inbox, IM me, or just send in a meme. Hell, tag me in a random starter, and I’ll leap with joy!

Discourse: I’m very anti-drama and hivemind. It’s rare for me to take things personally, or get wrapped up in public discourse; so don’t feel like you need to walk on eggshells around me. I won’t bite your head off or use any forms of violence against you for being different from me but I also refuse to put up with harmful behavior. In the end, if it comes down to that, I’ll just block you. ✌

Following Conditions

Mutuals: I only follow mutuals for the sake of seeing their posts as they do mine vice versa. Simple as that lol.

Selectivity: I’m a bit selective. I welcome pretty much all muses as long as they have the necessary details down. The things I look for are clear and concise rules and bios for muses, as well as the consideration of how our muses will interact regarding verses and dynamics. Oh and I judge the Mun’s own character as well, whether or not I see any red flags popping up that could indicate any *sussy* behavior, that will determine my decision to follow or unfollow.

TMI: I will be discouraged from following those who regularly overshare personal information not related to their muses or roleplaying in general. If your rp blog resembles your personal diary, sorry but I’ll likely unfollow. Oversharing is an unhealthy habit; especially when you publicize it to a bunch of strangers. Please be careful with what you share!

Grammar: If you make constant grammatical errors and don’t bother proofreading your posts, I might find it cringe, and be motivated to unfollow you. Sorry but I treat the art of writing with dignity, and I hope you would put in at least some effort as well. If you’re ESL, I’ll be more forgiving but come on, native English speakers, try harder!!

Interaction: If neither of us even bother to reach out to one another for a good while, I don’t see any reason to continue following. Nothing personnel, kid.

F.U.N.: Above all, have fun! Don’t beat yourself up over a late reply or for not seeming as perfect as you wish to be. It’s called roleplay for a reason! Let’s enjoy it in the same carefree manner as the children we once were! 😊

[temporal-roar]

im /gen OBSESSED with the tags you left in my gen 2 kids art omg thank u so much???? ;7;

HAKDJQKDJWLF NO THANK YOU FOR THE AMAZING ART ;w;!!!!

just seeing the caption you left and just how intense the drawings looked made the gears in head go so fast. i really like getting deep into the games and just analyze them JAKEJQLRKW

i know that the stakes get higher the newer the games are, but there's something about the johto story that is so good and you captured it so well with the scenes that you drew. AND THE EXPRESSIONS AUGH. they all fit so well with the situations they are all in. forgive me because im gonna go ramble again. it just that your drawings are so fucking good man /gen!! AND I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS ABOUT THEM 😭😭😭!!! feel free to like skip JQKRJQKRJWLRKWLR

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your ethan art of him looking up determined climbing up the stairs IS SO AAAAAA!!! the intensity of his expression as he looks like he is bracing himself for the toughest battle he's gonna have. having the perspective be from downward angle makes it look like red is actually looking at him which to me makes the entire thing look so intense

the lyra drawing having the most unique angle of them all is amazing. it fits really well with how the ruins are an unexplored, unknown and practically a maze. being inside the ruins all by yourself and then just seeing these pokemon you dont recognize surrounding you is scary and lyra seems surprised as if this was sudden. her togepi is ready to fight the unowns and its so good because i assume it's to defend lyra

now kris's expression says it all, she is trying leave the leave the well as quickly as she can to bring the slowpoke to safety. i mean she's practically running away from a team rocket grunt and zubats. climbing an old ladder with one hand is hard, let alone avoiding getting hit by any pokemon attacks AND getting caught.

the silver one makes me go bonkers AUGH!!!! in both crystal and in hgss there are voltorbs that can be found on floor b1 and electrodes in b2. BUT i would like to think that team rocket has more of the much more dangerous electrodes protecting the machinery in b2. silver is put here risking his life against electrode that in reality are probably faster than sneasel (and sneasels are fastttt) and much more stronger. at this point in the story he battles lance too and he tells silver that he needs to love and trust his pokemon more. which really, pissed him off entirely. aside from that, team rocket as a whole, is something he absolutely hates because of giovanni. so no wonder he gets angry when the protag is out there beating team rocket, leaving nothing for him. silver is doing his part by defeating any voltorbs defending the machinery while the protag is battling the grunts somewhere else. i mean, silver must have been doing something in the hideout until you both meet at floor b3. im so sure he was battling grunts and loose pokemon out there just like the protag was. im so so sure that sneasel at this point in the story is a valuable member of silver's team (i mean, they are his ace after all) and that they trust him well enough to obey him bc silver did take sneasel from their previous owner (which imo good for him, fuck that dude lmao) not too long ago.so there's still a level of trust his pokemon have to him bc he still keeps them regardless if he loses to the protag AND lance. ANYWAS that silver drawing is my favourite, it's absolutely so cool and amazing!!!!!

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AGAIN SO SORRY FOR RAMBLING, the hyperfixation has gripped me. but also it's just that your pieces make me think so much about the johto story and how good it is!!! most people i know disregard the first 2 games for not having "story" that deep as the others but i disagree. i hope i made sense when i ramble i sometimes steer away from what im saying and go in a different path LMAO

if it wasn't any clearer, i LOVE your pieces and i will be rotating them inside my head for weeks now JQKEKQKEJWLR

[boobchuy]

here is the ramble that made me hit tag limit for the first time in the entire *checks calendar* five??? years??? ive been on this hellsite??? they are doing things to my mind.

thinking abt sashanne tonight but honestly has it ever even stopped since commander anne dropped. they are sooooooo skrunklies. little losers.

like ive also been leaning into the popular characterization of anne being mad at sasha and the latter being a loser and just them being idiots and having drama in general. but like sometimes i think abt how these two genuinely care abt each other.

laugh about their first reunion in amphibia all u want, but in the lens of being a teenager/13 (more or less 15 but u get my point) even though its silly its what makes it genuine and theyre happy to see each other again and they dont try to hide that happiness at all!!! like they are literally kids. and they do care for one another!

in the future these reunions no longer have that kind of enthusiasm. theyre more. subdued. anne was suspicious as hell in the second time but the third time had her running into sashas arms once more!!! and thats what i kinda want to psychoanalyze rn like.... anne def deserves to go apeshit and she HAS multiple times and though it would have been nice and awesome to see her still hold some kind of visible grudge/anger towards sasha, theres just something very sweet to me abt how anne will literally just.forgive the people she cares about time and time again.

like, we all know it bites her back in the ass and yeah maybe its not really her intention to be so forgiving in the sense that everyone deserves a second chance and that shes ACTIVELY trying to spread kindness and love all around- to repeat what i said earlier, she is just a kid. yet shes still someone who wants whats best for everyone and would rather have everything be okay rather than dwell on the past. what shes mostly doing is just focusing on another goal in mind, like what mr matt braly said himself, that for the first time in the entire show, she actually has a mission! going back home was more so in the background and wasnt that urgent in previous seasons, and this new one, about saving her friends and defeating andrias, is whats giving her the drive to finish a job, for better or worse.

and in the end of it all, im wondering if she’s ever given herself the space to breathe and process what she’s feeling about all this. i wonder if she’s even stopped to consider that it’s something that she should do! i feel like... annes the type of person to brush off her own emotions and dwell on them by her lonesome unless someone pries, and even then, i dont think it clicks in her head that its important to talk about these things, and not in the way that they dont matter (though if u REALLY want to delve into that then yeah maybe theres a bit of her thinking it isnt important), but i guess... that everything else that is happening, should be the things that are being given attention

sorry for rambling abt annie b when i said this was about sashanne akjdhfkf let me get onto that...

SO. you know that popular surge of angst art of anne being mad at sasha (THOSE WERE SO TASTY BTW. SASHANNE WAS AT AN ALL TIME HIGH). and instead of that we just had anne instantly running to hug sasha!!!!! AND THIS PART. THIS TINY ALMOST UNNOTICEABLE PART THAT I ONLY CAUGHT ON MY REWATCH, THAT LINE. AFTER ANNE CALLS OUT HIS NAME AND HUGS HIM.

“You’re alive!”

THAT IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. this makes me go crazy. the fucking implications. how many nights has this girl spent dreading if her friends are still alive. if she thought that sasha was... in danger, and w her saying in the new normal that she knows marcy, the one she WATCHED get stabbed in front of her eyes, is alive. that she has to be. i just. just how much are you keeping to urself. keeping from EVERYONE.

to go along w me saying that she's not really processed enough about everything that's happened where she has recognized the... issues that comes w being betrayed like three times in one day, I like to believe that... w the few times she's maybe thought abt sashas betrayal, that once she saw him on wartwood that day, all pretense of negativity and hurt were swept away with the relief that he's here and safe and alive. and I think, w that massive burden on the shoulders w having to save two friends, and seeing one of them accounted for, I think she desperately wants to hold onto that bit of happiness and positivity. and why she's so quick to want to believe that sasha has changed for the better

then we go to the part where she accuses sasha of manipulating her again. and we all knew at some point that a moment like that was coming from a mile away, but what really made me lose it was when alex posted the board version. where she’s literally fucking tearing up as she’s saying these things. bc she hates having to admit them, when she missed sasha so much, worried for his well-being, and to think for a second that she was just being fooled again hurt.

so with sasha’s outburst came with another relief, to believe that sasha has changed for the better, with how much she helped wartwood and the resistance. and her to scrape away past hurt w being betrayed, and just. be friends with sasha again.

to add more onto... less serious musings and more headcanon territory lol, with me being an advocate of oblivious and dense anne, i like to think that anne just. loves to cling onto the idea of sasha, both literally and figuratively. like, she wants things to be okay again, and sometimes it just feels surreal to know that sasha’s actually here, and she doesnt have any kind of bad intentions, and that these feelings manifest into her being affectionate as hell

commander anne showed her being the one initiating all these hugs, the second one having her being so excited at the prospect of their relationship being changed for the better that she fucking squealed. this girl, i stg aksdjfhk. but yeah, i like to think that she becomes way more touchy w sasha, whether w hand-holding, hugs or just generally being near sasha’s vicinity. im thinking that these actions dont necessarily register in her head, like she just does them, bc it makes her happy and sasha hasnt told her to stop even if he does still freeze from time to time whenever she does it so... yep :)

[searidings]

fic writer review!

thanks @kg1507 for the tag!

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

20 as of today :)

2. Whats your total ao3 word count?

303,463 my god i need a hobby

3. How many fandoms have you written for?

only one where the works have ever seen the light of day

4. Top 5 fics by kudos?

they don’t love you like i love you

you and me (and you makes three)

with the birds i’ll share this lonely view

i’ve got a fever, can you check?

run the red out

5. Do you respond to comments? Why/why not?

not on ao3 and it haunts me every day, im the type of person that if i responded to one i would have to respond to every single one otherwise i’d feel mean and i just haven’t done that. BUT i do try to respond to tumblr asks and i read every single ao3 comment and hoard them all like a lustful gremlin make no mistake

6. A fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending

probably i’ll take the desert, you take the coast although personally i think it’s more open-hopeful than angsty, but not your traditional happy ending so

7. Do you write crossovers?

yeah for sure i cross cwsg with coherent plotlines and consistent characterisation it’s a real blast (no i don’t)

8. Ever received hate on a fic?

:) anyone who wants to kick our enemies to lovers arc into full swing and come kiss me on the lips i’m waiting <3

9. Do you write smut?

spongebob no lips smile dot jpeg

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not to my knowledge! wilful ignorance is bliss

11. Ever had a fic translated?

yes! absolutely incredible experience i’m truly so honoured they’re so beautiful

12. Have you ever co-written a fic?

nope! but creating a fic from incredible art in the reverse big bang was an awesome collaboration

13. All time fav ship?

it’s gotta be my fruity little corps, no other ship has gotten 300k words out of me

14. WIP you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

my wip folder is a MESS y’all but the two that will probably never go any further are a rewrite of s2 under the premise that lena has a kid (or does she) and an alternate ending to s5 where lena puts herself between kara and andrea’s kryptonite dagger and andrea actually uses it

15. Writing strengths?

angst, hopefully consistent characterisation, trying desperately to dig through the mess of canon to make some sense of it

16. Writing weaknesses?

way too goddamn wordy, overuse of certain phrases and metaphors, must everything have angst? (yes)

17. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in a fic?

i’d try it if it was for a language i speak fluently and i felt it fit the context, but i’ve never personally felt the need. i have tried my hand at some ham-fisted kryptonian though

18. First fandom you wrote for?

soupercorp babey!

19. What’s your fav fic you’ve written so far?

god i love everything as i’m writing it, so for the sake of them being the most recent and also ones i put a lot of time into while trying to get a coherent narrative and have the motives make sense probably let all your damage damage me and if the lord don’t forgive me

tagging @hrwinter, @i-am-robie and @missluthorwillseeyounow if you haven’t already been tagged and fancy it!

[what-the--curtains]

Not a Piece of Art

Part 2/5 - The Dinner Party

(Javier Peña x f!reader)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Summary: You’re invited to the targets house for dinner, will they see through your act? Or can you keep your hatred hidden for long enough to get the information you need?

Authors note: Thank you for all the lovely comments and likes and reblogs💕❤️! I’ve been feeling kinda bleh recently so I apologize for it taking so long and I’m also sorry if it’s crap but I’m pretty happy with the story line (also there’s gonna be a follow up to this series for sure). Anyways hope y’all are keeping well and thank you for reading!!

Warnings: THIS STORY WILL BE 18+ starting next chapter (minors DNI) . For now it’s just swearing and allusions to abusive relationships

Word count: 5.7k

Tagged: @trash-dino-5000 @diogodxlot @agingerindenial

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You watch the moving trucks hired by the DEA to facilitate your luxurious, but imaginary lifestyle roll up the driveway one after the other. Each truck opened to reveal piece after piece of expensive furniture better suited to the silver screen than your real life adding to the dysphoria you'd been feeling over the past few days. You were now living and enjoying someone else's life, a fact that left an uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach. Though the anxiety you were feeling was likely due to the very real threat of being murdered, and not the lavish home decor you were now in possession of. If there was one thing to be thankful for it was your close proximity to the water, you’d been landlocked for too long. Peace washes over you as you watch the water break against the cliff face. You turn towards the target's house gazing up to the balcony on the third floor. The doors are swung open and a woman in white stands with her arms outstretched on the railing, standing like a queen overseeing her kingdom. You were being watched. You lift your hand up to block out the sun, hoping to get a better look at her, but she's gone by the time you do.

Noticing the overwhelmed look plastered on your face as the trucks arrived Javier decided he would take on directing the movers. Only calling for your help when furniture needed to be placed, as interior design was admittedly not in his wheelhouse.

“You know where that goes?” Javi asks the movers, lighting up a cigarette and placing it between his lips. The movers nod as they lug the enormous mattress inside. He turns scanning the landscape to locate your whereabouts, you'd been all over the place this morning. Whether you were playing into the spacey artist trope or the pressure was finally getting to you he wasn’t really sure. Either way he wanted to make this transition as easy as possible for you, and considering you weren't a field agent it was also his responsibility to keep you safe. He spots you near the walkway that leads down to the ocean, a gentle breeze blows in from the beachfront causing the linen dress wrapped around you to part just above your thigh. There's a relaxed smile etched on your face, resulting in a calm that Javi had never witnessed emanating from you before.

An arm snakes around your waist and you lean into it for a moment before remembering who it belonged to causing your body to instinctively retract. You push back off his chest and watch as Peña shakes his head in quiet frustration before turning back towards the moving trucks. You chew your lip, you knew you had to do better at acting the part you’d been ordered to play. If you didn’t this mission would be over before it even started. Memorizing your alias was easy enough as was adopting the british accent, but acting in love with Peña. That was where it all fell apart, but if there was one thing you knew for sure it was that you did your best work under pressure. You swallow hard as the last few trucks slip away down the driveway. The notion of being left alone with Peña for the first time was an anxiety not even the ocean could sooth. With a deep breath you will your legs to move towards your new home which is currently looking more like a cell. You walk by Peña who snuffs out his cigarette in the dirt before following you inside.

“Why would two people ever need a house this big?” he asks, closing the door behind you, his voice bouncing off the marble walls.

“So they never have to see each other.” you offer, running your hand along the granite countertops.

“That felt targeted,” he says, watching your hands movement intently.

“It wasn’t, at least not intentionally. You notice how this whole back wall is glass? Weird design choice” you remark, trying to open up a civil dialogue with him.

“Probably built it so they can keep tabs on the neighbours” he offers coming up behind you, standing a little too close for comfort.

“Why build a house across from yours if you're trying to be undetected?” you ask, turning around nearly colliding with his chest, huffing at the inconvenience before maneuvering around him.

“If you were a federal agent and a big empty house was available for a stake out would you take it or would you go for the rocky beach or bug infested forest? Keep your enemies close, they expect the feds to show up here, so they make it easy to monitor” he explains, in a surprisingly uncondescending way.

“Hadn’t thought about that” you admit.

“Don’t teach you everything in those fancy buildings with ivory towers” he chuckles, as he sits down on one of the couches.

“Never claimed that they did” you retort “did they bring any food in?” you ask, moving towards the fridge.

“Not sure, figured the kitchen was your domain, can you bring me a beer” Javi says, the subtle misogyny fueling the rage simmering inside you.

“I’m sorry what exactly did your last servant die of?” You snap back.

“What? We’re supposed to keep up appearances” he responds calmly from the couch, feet crossed on the coffee table that cost more than your yearly rent.

“And what exactly is my appearance supposed to be? The domesticated housewife who brings you beer, cooks you dinner and sucks you off?” you respond, rage finally boiling over.

“Well I hadn't asked for that last one yet but...”

“Unbelievable! You can cook for yourself Peña. I'm not your wife and im definitely not your fucking mother”

“You certainly nag like her. Seriously a beer, it's not asking much” he demands.

“You know...” you say opening the fridge and pulling out a beer walking it over to him “I don't know if you’ve heard...” you continue, nudging his feet off the table with your calves as you place the beer down “of these amazing things...” you say, kneeling down, parting his legs and rising up between them, making eyes at him as you slowly run your hands up his thighs. “Called legs!” you state slapping your palms down on his thighs smiling as the growing smirk on his face quickly disappears “You should try using them sometime” you finish standing back up, grabbing the beer from the table and heading back into the kitchen to cook yourself, and only yourself, dinner. You'd managed to stay out of each other's hair for the rest of the evening, but another blowout ensued when it came to figuring out your sleeping situation.

“C'mon you don't have to be such a...” Javi exclaims calmly

“Such a what Peña?” you ask watching him bite his tongue “No please finish that sentence. I’d love to hear what thought provoking and truly innovative ideas you have about me.” You retort

“Just get in the bed” he pleads, lifting up the sheets and motioning his hand towards it.

“With you? I'd rather be shot” you state.

“Keep acting like this and your wish may just get granted sweetheart” he says through gritted teeth, the petulant show you were putting on wearing thin.

“Newsflash Peña! They can’t see us in here, so I think I'll take my chances on the couch” you assumed it was far enough away from the windows to keep you from prying eyes.

“Your fucking funeral” he shouts down the hall, watching you storm off with an armful of sleepwear you'd brought from home. The sleepwear was not flattering nor did it fit into the rich aesthetic you were currently upholding, but at this point, you didn't care. You'd chosen the oversized band shirt and basketball shorts because they hid your body away from prying eyes. Not that Peña would be looking, you hardly qualified as his type. You flop down on the couch rolling your eyes at the beer bottles he’d left there, likely for you to clean up. Irritated you fall asleep, cursing the couch for being inexplicably the most uncomfortable thing you'd ever had the misfortune of sitting on.

Your woken as the doorbell sounds throughout the house startling you so badly that you fall off the couch with a loud thud. “Shit!” you curse realizing it was likely the target. As quick as you can, you strip off your pyjamas and throw on the robe you had snatched in a hurry last night, only just realizing it was practically sheer. You yawn as you open the door to a beautiful woman who you immediately recognize as the target's wife, Helena. Presumably the same woman who you had seen on the balcony yesterday. She looked every bit a billionaire's wife with her hair neatly styled, 6 inch heels and perfect makeup while you, well you currently looked, and smelt, like you’d slept in a sewer.

“Hi im Helena, we saw you move in yesterday, we live next door.”

“We?” you ask squinting into the early morning light as another yawn escapes your lips

“Me and my husband” She says looking past you towards the couch where you had slept. Shit. Peña was not going to let you live that one down. Speaking of the devil, he appears from the bedroom in an open robe, and very thin linen pants, a look that made you realize why so many women were easily charmed by him.

“Cara mia, who's at the door?” he asks, eyes darting to the obviously slept in couch before settling on the beautiful woman standing before him. A woman who'd have his full attention if it wasn't for the transparent robe clumsily wrapped around your body.

“Our new neighbor” you say, refraining from using a cutesy nickname afraid you'd choke on it.

“Forgive my wife, she hasn’t been sleeping well” he says, coming over and wrapping himself around you, kissing the top of your head, before resting his chin on it.

“I find I sleep best when next to my husband” she responds offering Javi a megawatt smile which he returns.

“Maybe if your husband doesn't snore like an elephant” you respond sleepily with a soft laugh. You were surprised how well the british accent rolled off your tongue despite the early hour.

“Mine does as well, shakes the whole house! The things we put up with when we are truly in love are amazing” shes says, reigniting your anxiety “We want you to come for dinner, we've hired a chef” she continues.

“We’d love to, always good to know the neighbours, we like to make sure we're keeping good company” Javi reponds.

“Excellent, lets say, 7:30, be on time, my husband doesn't like to be kept waiting.” The second the door shuts you wiggle out from his grasp and make your way over to the kitchen pouring yourself, and only yourself, some coffee, still tired from the piss poor sleep you'd gotten last night. At least this time it wasn’t because you had to listen to someone having rigourous sex through the walls.

Javier follows close behind snatching the cup from your hands and taking a sip, knowing full well it wasn’t meant for him. He watches your eyes bulge slightly and your jaw tightens before you storm off into the bedroom to change out of the see through robe, much to his dismay.

“We need to go over the plan for tonight,” he says from the kitchen.

“Alright what is it?” you ask emerging in one of the many luxurious outfits provided to you.

“We’ll scout it out, find the room where they keep the paintings nd take the samples you need.”

“Ya” you say “and how exactly am I supposed to sneak in test tubes filled with liquid that traces drugs. ” you ask

“Bring a purse? I don't know. You're the genius you figure it out” he shrugs.

“I could wear a long skirt and strap them to my legs?”

“No they'll know you're hiding something,” he says, shooting down your idea.

“Purse it is then” you respond. “If they come back positive then what?”

“We can figure that out later, but i'll drop hints that the money I've made has been done in less than legal ways, and mention your outstanding knack for counterfeiting. Oh and wear something short tonight” he says “More to see means less to hide” he offers when he sees you glaring at him. “ and no scowling at me while we're in there, unless you really want to blow it” he laughs, your hatred for him almost comical at this point.

“What am I supposed to do when you're being insufferable then” you dig, with a wide fake smile.

“Save them up for later, besides it won't be me in there with you, it'll be my character, who you don’t hate.”

7:00pm

You change into a burgundy dress with an open back that falls well above your mid thigh, its length hardly covering you. You make a note not to bend over throughout the night, as you sling on the high heels that cost more than all your shoes combined. You grab the swabs and plastic bags needed to keep them sterile and stuff them into your purse before slipping on your wedding ring, and exiting into the kitchen.

“Alright, how do I look?” you ask, reopening the purse and re organizing the material inside it. When you finally look up you’re taken aback. Peña's usual attire of tight jeans and button up t shirt’s had been replaced by a stunning velvet pastel coloured jacket worn over top, a partially unbuttoned silk dress shirt and black dress pants. He cleaned up well, very well.

Your prolonged look doesn't go unnoticed by Javi, nor does the way your eyes quickly dart back down to your purse when he meets your gaze. He refrains from making a snarky comment knowing it would only piss you off, and that was the last thing he wanted to do before infiltrating a highly dangerous situation.

“Perfect, hermosa” he says, he wasn’t lying about it either. He knew you weren’t really listening to what he was saying, but god if you didn't look perfect tonight. Pretending to be in love with you would be easy enough for him, he hoped you’d be able to maintain the act as well. He watches as you move gracefully around him in heels that were working exceptionally well at emphasizing your... assets. He averts his eyes when you reach up for a bottle of wine knowing that more than you’d want him to see would be out.

“You know I can speak Spanish, right?” you say, a small smile creeping on your lips before quickly disappearing back into the cold facade you were determined to keep up against him.

“Well, I do now” he laughs, slightly embarrassed he got caught out complimenting you sincerely. He slides on his wedding band and escorts you out the door.

“God how do people walk in these for more than 15 mintues” you mutter, your feet already killing you. You almost regretted pushing Peñas arm away when he’d offered it to you earlier. Approaching the house you feel his hand wrap around your waist and you lean into him in an attempt to take some pressure off your feet. He rings the doorbell, lowering his hand as he hears the heels approaching from down the hall. Lifting up the hem of your dress he begins rubbing small circles over your thigh with his thumb. Any other time and you'd have broken his hand without a second though, but it fell well within the contract you’d had him sign detailing exactly where and when he was allowed to touch you.

“Welcome” Helena says as she opens the door in an equally revealing dress. She leads you through the enormous entrance way and into the main foyer, gazing up you see balconies on each level overlooking the large ballroom area. Your amazement at the house was cut short as you turned to see Peña who was currently only paying attention to Helena's fine architecture. If your eye rolls wouldn't give your true feeling for eachother away, his ogling certainly might. You elbow him harshly in ribs causing his hand to inadvertently dig deeper into your skin. His grip releases as Helena's husband enters into the room grabbing her and kissing her deeply for just long enough that both you and Javier feel uncomfortable.

“Welcome” he booms after separating from Helena, grasping Javis hand in his. You can see the veins in his arm bulge, as he clamps down on Peñas hand in a bizarre play for dominance.

“Here” you say offering him the wine, causing him to release his grip “Your home is as stunning as your wife” you smile as he looks down at the bottle reading its label.

“This one’s from a good year! Neither of our wives were even born then, lucky for us” he laughs, winking at you “We’ll have it with dinner.” he continues, pulling Javi into his side and walking him towards the bar.

Helena smiles at you and raises her eyebrows, rolling her eyes at her husband's behaviour. “Come now, alcohol will get us through the night” she states, leading you down the hallway. You knew her suspicions were high, and it wasn't lost on you that she’d likely shared her feelings with her husband, but she was being remarkably kind, which only added to your concern.

“Drink? What’s your poison, Carino?” Carlos demands of you. He was larger than life in both stature and personality, charming but in a terrifying way.

“I do believe he's talking to you love” you joke, smiling up at Javi earning a laugh from Helena.

“Whiskey, neat.” he says, you couldn't tell if Carlos was amused or upset by your disobedience, but the way Peña was currently pulling you discreetly out of Carlos’ reach made you think it was the latter.

“I usually don't ask twice, but for someone so beautiful and so clever, I'll make the exception. Though just his once” Javis grip around you relaxes and you flash Carlos a smile.

“Gin and tonic, if you don't mind”

“Any preference” he asks.

“Dealers choice”, you say, offering him back the control which seems to cut the tension and it's not long before he’s once again laughing with Javi.

“We're glad to have neighbours again '' Carlos says “especially ones who seem so agreeable.” His approval doesn’t relax you. Approval wasn’t trust and you’re well aware that this was just as much an interrogation as it was a dinner party. Carlos takes a seat in one of the upholstered armchairs gesturing for Javi to join him. Helena nods her head towards the couch and you follow her lead. Your eyes are quickly pulled off her when Peña yanks you down onto his lap.

“Darling!” you exclaim thanking the lord you didn't use his real name by mistake. “I could have spilled this very expensive drink all over this very expensive chair, I'm so sorry! I'd say he's not usually like this but...”

“I understand his need to have a beautiful woman in his arms as often as possible, it's why I'm on my fourth wife!” he boasts.

“I'm hoping i'll stick.” Helenea says, holding her drink up as she gazes lovingly over to Carlos, though something behind her eyes told another story. Perhaps you weren't the only one harbouring a secret hatred. “I'm hoping you’ll both stick as well. Neighbours can be problematic, nosy even, our last ones were before they...moved” Helena says from the couch

“Hard to imagine someone tiring from living in the house. It's beautiful, did you build it?” you ask

“Paid for it, but Helena designed it the whole thing, she's very gifted.” Carlos brags.

“I'd have to agree with that,” Javi says, smiling at her which she returns, a flirtation playing on both their faces. Javis hands may be on you but his eyes were on her and if you were picking up on it Carlos certainly had as well. You jump slightly when the server enters the room to inform the group that dinner was ready.

Javi pulls out a chair for you and you sit down placing your hand on his as he takes his seat next to you. The meal was the best you ever had, five delicious courses each one more decadent than the last.

“You don’t take her out to many five star restaurants? It seems as if she's never eaten such a meal!” Carlos excalims. Evidently you were doing a piss poor job at hiding your delight.

“I'm still getting used to the lifestyle if i’m honest. Though I imagine a meal such as this is still rare, even at the most expensive restaurants” you say before Javi can respond for you, the recovery impressing him slightly.

“You should have seen what she was eating before I met her, back when she was a starving artist” Javi says, as you bring a hand up to rub along the velvet jacket covering his broad shoulders.

“The billionaire and the starving artist, now I must know. How did you come to find each other?” Helena asks.

“My art dealer went to New York and brought back one of her paintings, it came with a photo and after seeing it I knew I had to have her, if she’d take me”

“And how did an old man like him convince a sweet young thing like you to marry him?” Carlos asks.

“No convincing needed, not when he sent thousands of my favourite flowers to my studio before showing up at the door himself. Any man willing to put that much time and money towards meeting me deserves a date. At least in my books and he’s continued to prove himself to me ever since.” You gaze up at him lovingly, so convincing that for a moment even he forgets you hate his guts.

“What are they? Her favorite flowers?” Helena probes, earning a grunt from Carlos presumably displeased with his wifes intrusiveness.

“Sunflowers. They're hard to find in New York, especially in the winter, I had to ship them from California.” Your gaze of faux adoration turns quickly to genuine surprise. How had he known what your favourite flowers were? It wasn't outlined in your character profile and you'd certainly never told him.

“I’ve seen the piece, its beautiful, your wifes very talented,”

“You should see her school portfolio, copies of works that were almost exact replicas of the originals. She possesses the talent of a hundred artists before her”

“You flatter me. Copying is a technique used to learn, but it's no measure of true artistry or creativity” you laugh. “When did you see my work, were you in New York?”

“Oh no I'm an art dealer myself, but I have people go to places for me. Your work was passed over my desk a few weeks ago.” Carlos explains.

“Perhaps I could paint you something then I would finally have a truly unbiased critic” You watch as Carlos slowly nods his head, contemplating your offer.

‘You’ll have to see our art collection, we have pieces here from all over the world” Helena says,

“How long have you been in the business?’ you ask, taking Carlos as a man who liked to show off

“longer than you've been alive” he says winking at you.

“Well I can only imagine what pieces you must have , you've proven to have exquisite taste, in all areas of life.” you smile eyes briefly darting to Helena.

“Helena show her the gallery would you, I wish to speak with my friend here in private”

“Will you be joining us later?” Helena asks, causing him to grunts out a yes before pulling Javi into another room to talk about god knows what. She leads you up to the second floor, each step you take causing a sharp pain to shoot down your foot’s arch.

“You get used to the heels, small price to pay for the lifestyle. Walking around in them in the house for a while helps.” she explains.

“Thank you” you say. “Somedays I dont think I'll ever really acclimatize to the lifestyle.” She leads you into a large room, greek style pillars run through the middle while art from around the world lines the walls. If the pieces were real this room was worth millions.

“How does your family feel about you living here? It must be hard them being so far away in England”

“I uhm...I... don’t have any.” You can feel her eyes boring into you assessing the answer you just gave her. “They passed, when I was 19” you continue turning to meet her gaze.

“I'm so sorry. To lose them so young must have been devastating, but I don't need to tell you that, do I” she says, shaking her head. You nod swallowing hard gazing back to the paintings. “Lucky he found you I suppose, and such a handsome man at that. Many billionaires are.... not.”

“Lucky for us both then” you say, moving along the wall “these painting are beautiful, I envy you being surrounded by such formidable pieces, and only a walk away”

“Yes'' she says, as if she doesn't care. She's watching you intently, trying to suss out where your loyalties lied, your lack of descriptive fondness for your husband suddenly seemed like a poor choice on your part. Before she can ask another question you hear Carlos yell out for her, the noise startling you both, so much so that her hand clamps down on your wrist.

“Duty calls” she says, composing herself and relaxing her grip on you.

“Should I come with you?” you ask, playing into the deer in headlights trope which seemed to have an effect on Helena.

“No, he asked for just me. I don't like to disobey him, he's not a kind man when not listened to.”

“Are you safe here” you ask.

“As long as I don’t cause trouble I should be.” she affirms.

“Well, you're welcome at ours, at any time. If anything happens, even if it doesn't you can stay with us. Heavens knows we have the room.” you say sincerely, the concern coming from you, not your character. Helana nods offering you a soft smile squeezing your hand before leaving the room.

“See how obedient she is, how compliant, she's perfect, don’t you think!” Carlos says

“Hard to argue with that,” Javi responds, giving her a once over.

“And beautiful yes, c'mon you are married not dead” he prompts when Javi doesn't respond immediately

“Very much so” he says, smiling at Helena before turning to Carlos who was intent on showing off his wife in the most demeaning way possible.

“Was there something you needed love?” Helena asked. She was used to her husbands showing her off to other men, but she was growing tired of it. She was involved in her husband's work, primarily in the organization making sure everything ran smoothly, she knew if it didn't she would inevitably be to blame. She valued her life, so she learnt fast, adapted like a pro. Four years later and her husband hadn’t offed her yet. She was a mastermind in a career she had been inadvertently forced into, but a mastermind nonetheless. To her husband she was nothing more than a trophy, but better to be that than a punching bag.

“A word in private” he says, gesturing to her with a come hither motion.

“Your wifes in the art room, up the stair, down the hall to the left, take the drink with you, we won't be a moment” He says, his eyes telling Javi to vacate the room. He lets out a grumble as he closes the door behind him. He shakes his head, swirling the whiskey as he walks towards the gallery. He’d fumbled tonight by not making it clear that he only had eyes for his wife, a hard task considering Helena, who he realized too late was likely meant to see if his gaze could be easily swayed. Which it had. All thoughts about any other woman cease to exist when he walks into the gallery and sees you bent over swabbing a painting. Something about watching you in your element had always been mesmerizing to him. It’s why he was always dropping off files for you, the task could easily be outsourced, but he enjoyed watching you maneuver with ease around the various machines.

“You should be more careful querida,” he says, chuckling as you jump back.

“Watch the door, would you? I've got two more to do” he leans back against the frame, one eye on the door, one eye on you watching as you meticulously swab the remaining paintings. “All good, you don’t think they keep cameras in here?” you ask, closing up your purse.

“No. Cameras are easy to hack.” he says nonchalantly, as he comes over to you stopping at your side looking up at the painting, suddenly understanding people's fascination with art. You grab the drink from his hand and take a sip placing it back down on the empty pedestal propping yourself up along with it when you hear footsteps approaching.

“Come here” you demand, and he does, eyes suddenly darker than before. He stops a few inches in front of you. “Closer” you beckon, wrapping your legs around him and pulling him into you. You drape your arms around his shoulder extending your neck allowing his mouth to graze lightly over the skin just in time for Helena and Carlos to witness it. You push him off you in pretend shock.

“Please, don’t stop on our account” Carlos laughs

“I'm sorry, god these pieces must be worth thousands and here I am sitting on one” you say hoping the act wasn’t too transparent.

“Don’t apologize, a work of art belongs on a pedestal” Carlos says, the complementing causing Javis jaw to noticeably clench. He was a better actor than you gave him credit for, maybe they would buy this relationship after all.

“We should probably be going, once she starts it's hard to get her to stop,” Javi says.

“So that’s how she trapped you” the husband responds, the entire exchange causing you to cringe internally. You hop down off the stool as Javi finishes the whiskey offering the glass to Helena who takes it before leading you towards the front door.

“We must do this again soon,” she says settling into Carlos’ arm

“Perhaps at ours next time?” You offer

“A generous offer, but we prefer to entertain.” He says

“Then I look forward to seeing you soon, especially if another meal like that is in store” As you exit the mansion Javi makes sure his hand is visibly running over your body, but you slap it away the second you can.

“Ouch” he says, shaking out the hand, the rings on your fingers leaving a particular sting on his skin.

“Suck it up” you respond, having had enough of him for the night.

“Cut the shit, your attitude problem is going to get us killed” he whispers through gritted teeth.

“I don’t have an attitude problem. I just have a problem with you” You say, turning to face him and prodding a finger into his chest “ and don’t act like you ogling his wife was helping our case either. Ya I slipped up tonight, but so did you, so shoulder some of the blame you’re throwing my way.”

“Jealousy’s a nice colour on you” he laughs, knowing how riled up it would get you.

“Ha!” you fake laugh “ because it's jealousy and not the fact that your inability to keep it in your pants is going to get me killed.” You exclaim as you enter the kitchen grabbing down a glass and chugging some water before going into the art room where you were storing the testing kits.

You? Jealous? Of what exactly. What did he think he had to offer that would make you want or need to be the subject of his attention. Attention he gave to anything that walked or batted its eyelashes at him. Jesus he was insufferable, you hated that he had this notion that your anger was based on jealousy and not multiple interactions where he'd failed to impress you. Even if you had come off as jealous it was all a part of the act. He had been acting jealous throughout the night, did he think you weren't competent enough to do the same? You had three degrees for fucks sake, you deserve some credit. “Fucking asshole” you mutter, the manifestation of the words helping you to calm down enough to dip the q tips in the liquid, sure enough, they came back positive the paintings had been near drugs, you’d tell Peña about that later. You see the light on in the bedroom as you exit the “art room” and you head towards it determined to get one last punch in before going to bed.

Javier had just settled into the enormous bed he had the luxury of having all to himself, moments away from flicking the light switch when he notices your figure in the door frame.

“Penny for your thoughts?” he asks

“I think he's abusive, the husband you were getting along with so nicely” you spit out, the venom intended to question his character in a hurtful way, but it doesn't seem to phase him.

“It's the job to get friendly with the monsters, doesn't mean I like them” he reasons

“I told her she could come here if anything happened, so we’ll have to hide this stuff a bit better” you remark, turning your failed attempt to get one last dig in, into a valid reason for starting up a conversation.

“Guess you'll have to stop sleeping on the couch then” he smirks. Check mate. Your eyes bore into the bed you had just talked yourself into sharing with Javier Peña.

[o-wyrmlight]

hii i saw u reblogged my drawings and u also wanted ppl to talk to you abt cacao so here's a two in one lol. first tysm for liking my drawings and for getting what i was trying to go for in the "la seine" ones, i got so excited when i saw what u wrote in the tags dfxcx but yea thats exactly it, cacao meets vanilla, they're happy together for a while but then the war happens, cacao loses vanilla and he's right back where he started before he met him. im really looking forward to see more of the story on cacao's side of things, and i do think vanilla's influenced him somewhat in some way. whether that is in being just a bit happier around vanilla compared to the other ancients or just him locking himself in his castle after the war. i dont wanna go full shippy on that theory lol. honestly what i want most though is for cacao and choco to get closure and maybe just maybe for cacao to reunite w vanilla and holly but idk if thatll happen. either way im so excited to have him in the game! and also, the song i used in the "la seine" drawings is "La seine and me" from the movie A monster in Paris :) sorry for rambling i just love dark cacao rn

You're super valid!!! It's super sad in your art that he started off alone and ended up alone. The poor lad. He can use some company.

I honestly really like the idea of Dark Cacao being closest to Pure Vanilla out of all of the ancients just because of how different they are. It's one of those cases of opposites attract', albeit not necessarily with romantic undertones. I also really enjoy them having a very close platonic that's. Surprisingly beneficial to both of them.

I really do hope that at some point, the ancients will end up reuniting. That way we can see a bit about how their dynamic plays out, though that'd probably be an endgame scenario. (Specifically, I really want to see how Pure Vanilla and Dark Cacao interact in canon, but considering Pure Vanilla and Hollyberry didn't meet up again if I'm remembering correctly, the possibility is... Let's be real, it's unlikely.)

But!! I do want to see how Dark Cacao has been handling his remorse for his son. Has he been struggling to keep the kingdom together, or has he been losing himself to remorse and staying within the Black Citadel? And would he forgive Dark Choco, were he to make a return? Will Dark Choco be forgiven? I hope so--though he was the hand that destroyed the kingdom, it wasn't by way of his own mind.

(I shall!!! Look up that song and give it a listen or two!!!)

[rurifangirl]

aight. here somes the ask lore thingie

tw for ppl readin: mention of mental illness, father mention

firstly, how did rui end up meetin the rest of the gang? did they all have sum sort of run in? did they just happen to meet on exident?

also is the father a villain? i remember ya mention him, and was wonderin

and do they have a specific place where they stay? like in a dormstory, a single house, do they live in a single town, or in completly different places?

do any of them suffer from mental/physical illnesses? if they do, how does it affect their life/relationships w others?

Aight, so here we go, be ready cuz shit's long.

(1st part - The Rui n the gang meeting; The Shou meeting) No Tw

Honestly, I also kinda wanted to do this for quite a long time, so I'm gonna firstly talk about how the gang (w/o really mentioning the others name's since they're gonna get introduced soon) met itself and decided to form, and then I'll individually do It in Lyva's and Shou's case, specifically Shou's since i mentioned that his meetin was somethin id have to take care of in another post, so i will rn.

First things first, w the whole gang. Now It wasn't really casually, mainly because Lyva n Rui did meet up, but It was during a special occasion still, that being a really important manifestation in one of the main regions in my oc universe. (They don't have name's yet so pls don't bash me🤡) Them being primarly the Forest, where Rui eventually lives in after all of his past shit, the near-countryside part, where Lyva was living, a pretty much city living on water, where Shou's currently living, and many more, as such the dunes with which I'll introduce Qiran (hopefully tomorrow/today),The sea itself, some High up places and as I said many, many other more. Other than this brief intro, they meet up where Lyva used to live, but mainly because of problems and out of conviniance.

Everyone had something to take back from, so they agreed to help eachother to reach that end, so it's all really planned. Now i won't really go w Lyva, cuz i explained how she met Rui the first time n how they helped her, so I don't need to ramble more on this. Now I'm gonna go w Shou's part though.

This Is more of a note i wanted y'all to know first, cuz i really like how Lyva n Rui met him the first time (cuz the second time was when the gang then all agreed to form n all that jazz.). Basically, Rui n Lyva were out, n visiting new places as such, to prepare themselves further and to try and search for more weapons, cuz they both knew that they'd eventually get in trouble, and even though they still are good, they wouldn't stand much a chance, n since Shou's Place is known for its production they decided to go. N fun fact, there's many funny shit that happends, for example Rui tries to touch a fish, but gets SLAPPED by It. They're still mad >:[. Ajkskdj anyways, some other stuff happends n they just, lose themselves. They had a map ofc but still managed to do so. But Rui was usin It so, I don't really blame em for gettin lost.

Shit happends n they find themselves pratically in front of his shrine/palace. Shou's servitors (cuz he saw everything happend from afar n gave them the okay) brought em in, but rather than makin em idk some tea n just making them recouver, Shou rather put them under some "tests" w/o tellin em, to see if they were any use.

For example he brought them some cups of tea, but before drinking them Rui noticed somethin unusual in the water, so they gave Lyva a sign to not drink It, n as Shou asked as a reason why they just replied that they weren't thirsthy, leavin Shou in a kind of defeated state. Bitch if i love this part honestly, there's so much fun to seein all of their reactions, but I'm gonna go brief rn. So other of this tests pass later n Shou eventually gets upset cuz they're all winnin n seemingly makin fun of him, lettin him in a weaket standpoint, n a fight happends. Even though it's a 2v1 situation he can still manage pretty well, so It ends in a draw. They get to talk after this and get to understand that they don't have to necesseraly be on the opposite side, though Shou Is still unsure whether to belive in that or not.

After they leave him, pratically almost alone w only a bunch of servitors helpin him. He admits defeat n won't show up until the event and yadayada. (Also it's during this weak time of his he'll meet Qiran which i already have plans w so it's all goin to be said bout their relationship in their post.)

(2nd part, the father mention.) Tw:father mention

So it's true that w Shou i did mention his father, but I'm not entirely sure bout his involvment honestly. In theory he kind of is a villain itself, even because of his devilish nature, so it's true, but im not sure whether to make him an independent villain or part of a group of them. But rather than that yes, i do want to make him some sort of villain in the end, because that's also part of Shou's agreement to be part of the group. I will make concept art for him so he'll definetly be involved. Not gonna lie, mabye that bastards also involved w Rui's cult too in a way or another but im givin in too many details holy shit I'll never get outta this fuck

(3rd part- where do they live) No Tw

They live in their own homes honestly, but It would be no surprise if they'd all decide to sleep over someone in specifical, though they have their own place. I made some concepts for Rui's intern home, which here It Is 😤 (forgive me for the bad quality but it's 2 am rn 🤡) I made this a while ago but only did Rui's, so I'll do Lyva's, Shou's n the other one's too. They live in different places, for the exception of, atm, Qiran, since I'm gonna say that they're more of a traveller n don't have a stable home.

(4th part- the mental/physical ilnesses) Tw: Self harm and Mental ilness mention

Well, this Is gonna be a ride. They all suffer from Ptsd, which Rui n Shou suffering from It the most. It still affects them all, though in different occasions, so Imma just do them in specifical. (Also because i gotta add some shit to shou that i didn't wanna add because i thought It was too much honestly)

Rui-

It affects them really much. They use crystals n gems to avoid anything going w their past or anything remotely related It, as whenever they feel awful about havin those flashbacks when they still were a child. They never want to talk about what happened, n during their moments It gets really, really bad. Both emotionally and physically, as their body sometimes cannot handle anything so it completely shuts down. They never really got any help for It as Rui's too scared to share bout their experience, both because of trauma itself that doesn't make them say anything even if they wanted to and because of the cults influence, so either way they've got to handle It by their own.

Lyva-

Other than havin to deal w mornin sickness, which Is the least for her, she has to deal w her neglectful childood and how desperate she's always been for litteraly anythin, whether it's related about love,friendship, food, toys, anything. She tried to seek for help and semi found It, but as of now she can't keep up w It and has better things to take care of. It's still really bad overall, but she's hoping for things to get better. Spoiler It really won't.

Shou-

⭕Tw for sh⭕

It's... really fucking bad. I'm gonna get outta this w saying something i didn't want to add because it's really triggerin, but im gonna do It now. So basically, I've mentioned them acting feminenly for his own mother, but i didn't say what would've happened if he displeased her. She would just stare down at him and whispering some awful shit or names. This would happen especially whenever he'd slip off that mask of his or revealed even a tiny bit of his devilish essence. Note that he's still a child here. So, best thing he could to was to "punish" himself, which basically consists of him scratching his arms too much and, i don't really want to continue this, forgive me but it's kind of triggering even for me. But...you can guess what he's doing, since he even to this day still keeps sharp nails. I'm sorry for putting this, but it's another way to show how his mother fucked him up and now suffering from this.

I'm sorry for rushin the last part but i'm not personally vibing w it.

Tags undercut

@a-chaotic-dumbass @spoopy-fish-writes @dopesaladlady @damnfoxx (I'm really unsure bout taggin ya in this ;-;)

If you want your tag removed, dm me cuz it's 3 am at the moment n i may have messed em up. (I'm not gonna recheck tomorrow so that's why)

[thespianbooks]

A Court of Nightmares and Starlight //Chapter 18//

Masterlist

(tags: @thron3ofbooks, @df3ndyr, @courtofjurdan, @art-e-mis, @herondamnn, @the-third-me, @im-still-trying-here, @emikadreams, @paytin77, @mis-lil-red, @sleeping-and-books, @lucieisabooknerd, @amandaraey-sunshine, @easy-p-lemon, @azymondias05, @dagypsygirl, @makeshift-utopia) *bold tags don’t work ;-;

“Only you can decide what breaks you.”--ACOWAR

XXX

A myriad of voices and faces faded in and out of darkness—surrounding me as I fought desperately to make sense of it all. Excruciating spasms ebbed in and out, leaving me unable to focus long enough to figure out where the pain was coming from. Perhaps it was all over my body, but during a particularly brutal wave; when I could hear myself crying out, I knew it came from my core. I saw Rhysand's face in the midst of my agony, his violet eyes like shattered glass and lined with silver—glimmering starlight falling down his face. It was so beautiful, but it seemed the night itself was weighing me down and I couldn't ask what caused him so much despair.

Twilight continued to envelope me, and I couldn't discern it from anything else. From the moment it took hold, it felt as if I were floating—images of concerned faces flashing across my vision every so often as my abdomen continued to throb. I knew those faces, knew their voices, but couldn't recognize anyone but my mate. He was my tether among the stars I drifted along in, until my world went dark once again.

XXX

Sunlight peeked through half-closed curtains—my curtains, I realized, as I made out the details of my bedroom. I blinked slowly as I looked around the familiar settings, my breath hitching in my throat as images of blood and pain came surging back to memory.

You're all right Feyre, it's okay

I turned at the sound of Rhys's voice, even through the bond, as he moved from the chair at my bedside to sit beside me. He looked like hell; his hair a disheveled mess with dark circles under his red-rimmed eyes, face still stained from those beautiful tears I remembered. My eyes went wide as I recalled where the pain had stemmed from and my hands flew to my stomach, gripping the fabric of my dressing gown.

"He's okay," Rhys breathed. His hand held mine, both of ours holding my stomach.

I was still pregnant. My son was alive.

I felt that all too familiar glimmer, my eyes slipping shut in relief as I sobbed. I gripped my stomach with both hands and sobbed again as I felt him move. Rhys bent down to press a kiss to my forehead before pressing his against it gently. He held my face as I cried, relieved, and I moved my hands to grip his shoulders as they shook lightly—his own tears mixing with mine as we held each other.

I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Rhys. I said down the bond, prepared to plead for forgiveness.

"Don't apologize Feyre. You have nothing to be sorry for," he said as he pulled back just enough for our eyes to meet.

"I put him at risk," I whispered as I stifled another sob in my throat. "I-I used my powers, and not even five minutes later I started cramping. I-I shouldn't have-" I sobbed again, and he shook his head, brushing the tears from my cheeks.

"You acted as High Lady. You did what you had to do for our city while I was away," he said, but I could hear the same anger that I held against myself laced in his voice. It was subtle, but it was there.

I opened my mouth to argue, but there was a gentle knock at the door followed by the voice of our healer. "It's me, my lord. I've felt the High Lady wake and need to reevaluate her current state."

Rhys pressed another kiss to my brow and straightened, waving a hand to unlock the door; allowing Madja to let herself in. The dark-skinned female smiled warmly at me as she approached my bedside.

"How are you feeling, lady?" She asked.

I sniffed and did a quick evaluation of myself. I was sore and weary—my usual fatigue exemplified by whatever my body had just been through. "Tired...and aching, but no pain." I answered, deciding that honesty would be my best course of action. I wouldn't take a chance on my son's safety again.

She nodded in understanding. "That's to be expected. You've been through a tremendous few days," she said.

My eyes widened. "It's been days?"

"Just two. You were out after the initial attack, which took place in the afternoon. You slept all day yesterday after Madja healed you," Rhys explained, taking my hand and squeezing it reassuringly—though I could hear the lingering ache in his voice.

"I was able to put you in a trance of sorts, while you healed, in order to allow your body the ample time it needed to recover before you regained consciousness," Madja said, her tone growing serious as she met my gaze.

"However, my lady, the extraordinary use of your powers that day; noble and vital as they were in saving our city, did cause a strain on your womb. The muscles that line the area holding your youngling contracted, causing some minor tearing and bleeding."

I felt Rhys's agony flicker through our bond as he heard the words, no doubt thinking back to what those initial moments must've been like—when I was floating in and out of consciousness and crying out from the pain. "This caused your body to enter premature labor, but I was able to stop it, heal the tear, and stop the bleeding in sufficient time," she finished explaining.

A few more tears slid down my face as I closed my eyes, returning a hand to hold my stomach gently—afraid that even the slightest touch would reopen the wound in my newly repaired muscles. The healer placed a reassuring hand over mine.

"You are resilient my lady. You and your youngling are strong. Not only did you fight for his survival, your healing blood doing what it could at the time, but your youngling did as well. As I was tending to your wounds, I felt the power in his blood attempting to sustain his environment—that healing power you have passed onto him. Part of the agony you felt was not only premature labor pains, but also your youngling restoring the injury to your womb."

My eyes widened at the revelation and I looked at Rhys, who also looked as if this was the first time he was hearing it. "But this does mean you will need to remain on strict bed rest until further notice. My medicinal process will continue over the course of the next few weeks. It is slow, but successful. Your youngling is safe now, but your body and his need this time to continue to rest and recuperate. I also want to ensure that the muscles I repaired remain intact and regain its strength. Allow me to check on that progress now," she continued before placing her hands on either side of my stomach. Healing magic flowed through those hands as I turned to face Rhys.

He squeezed my hand again. He has your healing powers. He...was healing you

I covered my mouth to stifle a sob. Everything she warned us of, all the risks and complications...I've brought them on myself, and on our baby.

Don't say that Feyre. This is not your fault.

Of course it is! I winced as a light spasm flowed through me, but Madja's restorative touch gently dissolved it.

Her weary eyes met mine. "My lady, it is imperative that you do not put any additional stress on yourself at this time. Physically, or emotionally."

I nodded and breathed in a deep sigh, both of Rhys's hands gripping mine as Madja went back to her work. Please Feyre. Don't blame yourself for this

I saw the hurt sparkling in his eyes, the heartbreak, and realized the anger I saw earlier wasn't directed at me. It's not your fault either, Rhysand.

I shouldn't have left you here in your condition. It was a mistake assuming you and Velaris would be safe with the threat of a coup on the horizon

Through the bond, I could feel the remorse he had spent the last two days ruminating in—believing himself to be at fault for my current state. We were blaming ourselves, when in truth the accountability lied in our attackers; each of us having to respond accordingly. A seed of blame still lived in me, because deep down I had known using my powers to such an extent was a risk. I didn't anticipate it causing as much damage as it did, and I would never forgive myself for it. The regret that resided in Rhys, however, was from leaving his pregnant mate behind.

We can't be racked with this guilt, Rhys. We had no idea this would happen. I said through the bond, brushing my thumb along his lightly as I curled against his mental shields.

I saw the inner turmoil he battled with in his violet eyes as he kept himself closed off for the time being, fighting his male-bonded instincts that caused him to be vehemently angry at himself for believing he abandoned his weak and vulnerable mate—all the while trying to convince himself that he hadn't. Finally, I felt him lower his shields and let him hold me through the bond; felt his engulfing warmth and security.

You're right

It was all he could manage as I felt the emotions swirl through him, and on that bridge that connected us, I held him just as securely as he held me.

Madja moved her hands from my stomach with a satisfied nod. "Everything is as it should be, the recovery you made while unconscious was substantial, but for the next week or so, you are to remain in bed and must pass over your duties as High Lady for the time being. I will be in daily to monitor your condition, and after this initial period of strict confinement, we'll see about you returning to some of those duties."

I nodded my understanding and so did Rhys. "I'll make sure she gets more than the adequate amount of rest she needs," he said, voice still strained.

"I have no doubt about that my lord, but you must also allot yourself some time to rest," the healer said, turning her full attention to my mate. "You haven't gotten a wink of sleep since I arrived. I understand your mating bond is very fragile, and I can't imagine the stress you must be under as High Lord, mate, husband, and now the expectant father."

She placed a gentle hand on my mate's shoulder. "You must also take care of yourself for your mate's benefit. Sleep, eat, and allow yourself to attend to your duties as High Lord and turn her care over to the others. They worry for both of your well-being and would be glad to do whatever they can to help."

I frowned as Rhys's shoulders tensed a bit at her words, and for clarification he allowed me past a layer of his adamant walls. There I saw the memories of the time I remained unconscious—how he guarded my side night and day and locked the rest of our family out; physically and mentally. He passed messages through the healer as she was the only one allowed in and out of our room, and the others didn't push—despite how distraught he knew they were over my condition. They tried to bring him food and water, but he remained closed off, locking himself away with me until now.

I shouldn't have shut them out. He admitted through the bond. But until you were awake, until I knew everything would be okay...I just couldn't bring myself to face them or let them near you, or do anything else for that matter

I sighed and squeezed his hand gently. "I'll take care of him, Madja," I reassured the healer.

She nodded. "That's good to hear," she said before turning to her bag of supplies. "Now, I'm prescribing an herbal tea mixture for you to consume twice a day. Once in the morning, and then at night. This will aid in your recovery and work to help you slowly regain more energy. I'm mixing it with your prenatal herbal mixture to continue supplementing your youngling as well." She mixed together the concoction on the spot, using her own powers to brew a cup for me and handed me the mug.

I cringed as I attempted to sit up on my own, but Rhys already had an arm around my back to keep me upright. The healer offered me a wry smile, "You'll continue to be sore for the next few days, so please, take even the slightest movements with great caution."

I nodded and held the cup of tea to my lips, taking a sip. "Thank you Madja, for everything," I said, hoping she saw the sincerity in my eyes.

She nodded again with a slight bow. "Of course, my lady," she turned to Rhys. "I'll go inform the others of the Lady's recovery and return tomorrow afternoon."

"Thank you." Rhys said, placing a hand on her shoulder and squeezing it. She smiled again before excusing herself, leaving my mate and I alone.

I took another sip of my tea as Rhys adjusted himself to sit on the bed, keeping me upright. "The city is secure," he said softly, and my heart skipped a beat. "Your wall of water put out all the flames, and the palace lords were able to arrange for repairs to the damaged buildings right away."

Tears of relief slid down my cheeks as I held my brew at my lips, allowing the steam from the cup to warm my face and keep me at ease. "Our home is safe again...?" I whispered.

He pressed a kiss to my temple. "Everyone is safe, Feyre. Everyone," he reassured. He knew my worry for Ressina and my other painter friends; the younglings we taught in my studio and their parents. The innocent lives I fought and would always fight to protect.

Defender of the Rainbow

I sighed heavily and slowly turned in his arms to meet his gaze. "What happened...in the Mortal Lands? Why did Vassa come here?" I asked, knowing she had not done this willingly.

Rhys sighed as he brushed a loose strand of hair behind my ear, his violet eyes going distant as he recalled the details. "Cassian, Azriel, and I arrived at the queen's palace up in flames. Lucien was doing his best to calm them while he ordered the guards to put them out. He said it happened so fast," he began, and I frowned.

"Beron arrived with one of the generals of his armies, and with the sorcerer who cursed Vassa. We don't know how he managed to find him, but he forced Vassa into her firebird form and cast her to the skies to begin wreaking havoc. He had complete control over her," He sighed as he closed his eyes. "Lucien and Beron had a confrontation before unleashing his army to attack and Jurian took over and led their armies to fight back. We arrived after Beron and the sorcerer vanished with Vassa, and Lucien doing what he could to put out the flames on the palace while Jurian and the mortal forces continued to battle against the Autumn Court army. He had already sent word to Tamlin for help, but we jumped in and started fighting on their behalf until they arrived. We were worried about where Beron would take Vassa next, and I...I had a bad feeling. I wanted to come back to Velaris as soon as possible; wanted to come back to you. Cassian was about to send word to Devlon, to gather our legions that haven't turned yet, when I felt it-"

His breath hitched and I saw his throat bob before he went on, voice hoarse. "I felt a tug on the bond...not from you, but from our son." He touched my stomach with a gulp. "That normal glimmer was a hot spark, a cry for help, and I knew something was wrong. I winnowed back to Velaris immediately, right at your side, only seconds after you collapsed...and then I saw the blood..."

I reached my arms around his shoulders as he collapsed into tears, the memory of me lying in the grass unconscious and bleeding now overwhelming him. I wrapped my arms around him as he buried his face into the crook of my neck, his arms encircling my waist as he cried. Dropping my emptied mug to the floor, I held him—my own tears falling as I buried my face in his hair and rubbed soothing circles on his back.

After a few minutes he pulled back to meet my gaze, a hand going to hold my stomach gently. "I thought I was going to lose you, and our son, and I couldn't bear it. I brought you inside the estate just as Mor arrived with Madja. She knew you would need help, but she was horrified when she saw your condition. I laid you down right there, in the foyer, so Madja could get to work, but you were fading," he squeezed his eyes shut at the memory.

I brushed against his mental shields, asking him to show me rather than tell me of the events that transpired, and he hesitated before letting me in. I saw myself lying on the marbled ground, pale, as the healer had her hands pressed to my stomach—hands glowing with her healing magic. I heard the voices of the others—panicked and yelling as they arrived at the estate. Then I heard myself groaning and whimpering in agony, and I remembered from my own harrowing memories that I thought I had been screaming. Instead, I was on the floor, crying and pleading incoherently as Madja healed me and then met Rhysand's eyes. I looked into my own dull grey-blue eyes and was overwhelmed with a sense of helplessness that my mate had endured.

I pushed away from his thoughts, unable to look at myself any longer and sobbed. "I'm sorry I put you through that Rhysand. I...how can you ever forgive me?"

He captured my lips with his, pleading and adoring and forgiving as he kissed me. "You and our son are safe. That's all that matters to me now," he whispered before kissing me again.

I kissed him back, holding his face and brushing away the tears from his cheek with my thumbs as he did the same. "I would be so furious...how are you not furious with me? How are the others not-" I choked.

He met my gaze meaningfully. "I couldn't be furious with you for doing what you have always done, Feyre. I was scared, I still am, but I spent the last two days praying to the Mother, that you would just wake up."

His thumbs stroked my cheeks gently as starlight danced behind his violet eyes. "I can't tell you how relieved I am that you and our son are safe," he kissed me again. "For that reason, I can't be angry."

I sniffed as I kissed him back, holding his wrists gently as he held my face. "I'll be careful from now on," I promised. "I'll let you coddle and fuss over me all you want."

A tired laugh escaped past his lips and my heart fluttered at the sound, glad to see a smile return to his handsome face. "I'll hold you to that, Feyre darling," he said with quiet amusement.

We held each other; brows pressed together as we moved to stare at my stomach. Our son was quiet, but I could feel his subtle movements. Rhys caressed it gently, earning a kick to his palm and he smiled again. "Still so strong," he whispered.

"He's amazing...and he's still growing," I said as I brushed my fingertips along the expanse of my belly.

"Thank the Mother," Rhys said as he moved down to press a kiss at the apex of my stomach.

I brushed my fingers through his hair as he stayed by my belly, restoring it back from the mess it had been from his stressed hands mussing it up. "I think I know what we should name him," I mused.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Sebastian."

"Sebastian?"

I nodded and ran a hand along the top of my stomach, "It suits him...don't you think?"

Sebastian. Venerable, and strong—which our youngling most certainly was. Rhys's eyes warmed as his hand rested atop mine. "It's perfect."

Our son must've agreed, because rather than a kick of protest under our palms, we felt that intimate glimmer flutter through our bond—strong as ever. Rhys let out a long breath, and I noticed the tension finally leaving his shoulders as he laid beside me; our joined hands lingering on my stomach as we stared at it until we both slipped into an easeful sleep.

[asterythm]

I'm honestly a bit confused on the problem with making fandom related blm art (as long as its not tagged blm and provides links to supporting blm). Could you please explain?

please realize before you read any of this that i am speaking as an nbpoc person who has been mostly off tumblr for the past few days, with the exception of occasional nighttime reblog sprees after my productivity blocker extension times out. i have been doing my absolute best to educate myself as well as possible so as to be the best ally i can be, but i am nevertheless imperfect and i very well may say something wrong. above all, please keep in mind that the voices that really need to be heard and raised up right now are the voices belonging to our bipoc friends, not my own.

also, i’m real tired -- im not saying this to seek pity or make this conversation about myself, just to ask you to forgive any spelling errors/grammar errors/run-on sentences. thanks. ill also definitely be putting a tl;dr at the end, because I can already tell this post is gonna get longggg.

that said, i appreciate that you’re actively seeking to learn, so i'll do my best to explain what i've gleaned based on what bipoc fanders have been saying. for starters, @/hazelmagix put one major issue very succinctly in her post on the matter (tw for swearing, but this is really the Big One):

in addition to the above Big Issue (ie. needing to bring Real Experiences That Real People Are Facing down to the same level as works of fiction), i believe that one of the specific issues that the tss fandom is facing right now came about after @/bleepblopbloop56 drew a lovely piece of art involving a black, trans roman that originally (to the best of my knowledge) had nothing to do with blm. if you’re a part of the fandom and you’ve been on tumblr at all these past few days, you’ve likely seen the results of that, but i don’t know how many people are aware of the full story right now so just bear with me here:

what happened was that some people outside the fandom (mostly bipoc!!!) came across the piece and voiced their discomfort about it (some kindly, but many not-so-kindly), presumably because they thought that the artist was drawing Real Person Thomas Sanders as black, as opposed to a fictional character who is often portrayed in all manner of diverse interpretations. eventually, it got to the point where the artist felt pressured to take their piece down. 

(for clarification, i don’t think it’s ever okay to harass creators to that point, but that’s a whole ‘nother matter entirely. the point is, it was mostly people outside the fandom.)

anyway, the situation ended up sparking outrage after someone else made a post pointing the issue out under the assumption that the attacks had stemmed from racism and transphobia within the fandom (not true). in response, people (predominantly white people, if i’m not mistaken) began to draw art of black trans roman. which would be great on its own, except it didn’t take long for folks to start attaching it to the black lives matter movement. which was less great (see above screenshot). the least great part of all is that so much of it stemmed from spite at the people who had originally been voicing their discomfort about the art -- the same people, mind you, who are not a part of the fandom at all.

not only was this effort misdirected, it was also hurtful because people (again, majorly white) were now using black skin tone and even the blm movement itself as a form of spite. the focus was not on explaining the situation to the original poc outside the fandom -- it was on using art and fandom to appear “woke”, and in the process, ignoring the black voices who were saying they were uncomfortable. and i want to make it explicitly clear that i’m not accusing those who have been drawing bipoc sides of having bad intentions; just that almost all of it has been extremely performative. in using blm for fanart in this way, fanders are taking a real-world issue and turning it into a tool to further our own fandom issue, and that is absolutely not okay. and even when it’s not being utilized for discourse, it can still be extremely insensitive to put real-world struggles side by side with fiction.

my original post about adding resources to fanart was never meant to imply that adding links automatically makes it okay, either. again, i haven’t been on tumblr often and so i had no idea what actual bipoc fanders’ stance on the issue was, and i didn’t want to speak over anyone. what i was trying to say was that if the fandom is going to be so keen on pushing blm, the absolute least that we can do is to actually take the time to educate ourselves on the movement and contribute in other ways as well -- such as signing petitions, donating, et cetera. otherwise, not only is the content performative and potentially hurtful, it’s just plain meaningless.

tl;dr -- 

black lives matter is not a trend for white and nbpoc people to take advantage of so that they can appear “woke”. 

putting fictional fandoms side by side with real life can display an unwillingness to acknowledge the real-world impacts of current events unless presented in a way that specifically appeals to you.

above all, listen to black voices.

(oh, and also: in the interest of raising up bipoc fanders, some wonderful blogs to start with might be @skyscrapersanddandelions, @mxnte​​, @lamp-calm-sanders, and @aleiimm​. however, do not go asking these lovely folks to explain something to you/to provide you further resources. it is not their responsibility to personally educate you. i’m only linking them so that you may support them and -- i really can’t say this enough -- listen to what they have to say.)