#/like YES this is another one rooted in my past life experiences

[newfound-selfship-archived]

sometimes it’s nearly 2 am and i feel rly impulsive after recording a song, but my nervous energy absolutely outweighs my impulsivity

and so y’all are left with this post, wondering what in the goddamn i recorded and why i’m nervous LOL

[sirensplayhouse]

REVISION 101

now as we’re all aware revision has become quite the popular topic in the loass community as of late. for why ? I have no idea, but just like everything else y’all are confusing the everlasting hell out of it and each other. so sit back and relax because class is back in session with your favorite sirengodmother 🤝🏾

re·vi·sion (/rəˈviZH(ə)n/)

noun

the act of revising; the act of changing or correcting something, or the thing that has been changed or corrected

y’all know how if you bombed a test or assignment you’d be given the chance to revise it after school or sumn ? yea 🤝🏾

“Changing your life means changing the past. The causes of any present evil are the unrevised scenes of the past.” - Neville Goddard excerpt from ‘The Law and the Promise’

y’all seem to have this deep rooted belief that revision is anything but natural when in fact it is completely 100% natural. when you revise your going back into your imagination and rewriting how you want things to be.

y’all also seem to believe that manifesting presently and revising are on two different levels, and I’m here to tell you it’s not✋🏾

ok so siren since you’re saying all of this and it’s going in one ear and out the other , how do I revise ?

well glad you asked🤭revising is no different than manifesting in the present. (nie reread that until it’s engraved 🙂) the same way you’d affirm/visualize or do whatever that helps you manifest you can do it to revise. remember it all starts within you, in your wonderful human imagination

the past is never and will never be set in stone you can literally revise whatever you see fit.

success stories you might not think have anything to do with revision but they do

• diploma

• revision success stories

• revised parents

• revised never having an infection

• revised exams

• eye color change

•job

• appearance

• body change

• revised the date

• revised a death / another one

• parents

• another razzle dazzle

now there are some success stories missing I know someone asked me to tag revising a birthday and that’s somewhere on my page deep in the archives🧍🏾‍♀️

ok so you wanna revise/manifest your dream life ? lol what’s stopping you then ? revising that you’ve always lived your dream life is nothing hard. however you choose to manifest whether it’s through affirming, visualizing, scripting, etc, doesn’t matter.

if you’re using affs affirm in the past tense “ I have been living my dream life (for however long)”, “I manifested my dream life (so and so long ago)” , “ I have always had my db/df (or whatever your manifesting / revising”

if you’re visualizing then visualize a scene in where the past has been rewritten to what you want it to be. Neville in ‘The Law and the Promise’ spoke of a woman who revised a life long back injury that she had endured, simply by visualizing herself back in the past and revising the events that caused her injury.

“To revise the past is to re-construct it with new content. Man should daily relive the day as he wished he had lived it, revising the scenes to make them conform to his ideals. For instance, suppose today's mail brought disappointing news. Revise the letter. Mentally rewrite it and make it conform to the news you wish you had received. Then, in imagination, read the revised letter over and over again and this will arouse the feeling of naturalness; and imaginal acts become facts as soon as we feel natural in the act. This is the essence of revision and revision results in repeal.” - Neville Goddard

when you’re revising something you’ll have all the memories of it and the experience. for example I revised always having my back dimples pierced, and when I woke up the next morning I saw them. I had all the memories of going to get them done and I remembered how it felt to get them done.

some anon knowledge for y’all

also for the girlies that want to manifest always living (ie; revising😑) their dream life and manifest never manifesting it ? pleaseeeee 😭yes it’s possible but like I said that’s literally revision

now that we got all of that cleared😮‍💨I sincerely hope (and I’m manifesting strongly) that everyone who was confused about revision or had reserves about it completely understood /understands everything I’ve written here. because idk how many more revision questions I can take🫠

[adrianlikesdinos]

while it is funny to think and joke about, i think the genuine belief that Erik's wife and daughter were used for the main purpose of trying to erase Cherik is just such a truly awful take. there is no contextual evidence to even back up the claim, by the end of the movie Erik still choses Charles yet again.

so I'm here to present my succinct, evidence-based claim: Erik's wife and daughter only worked to further cement his and Charles shared narrative.

in the film, these two girls act as flat characters; very little information is given about them, no character development takes place, and they take up very little screentime. what they add to the films story however is a point emotional attachment outside the world of mutant vs. humans for Erik to settle into, heal, and escape from his previous life as a literal terrorist. unfortunately for die hard Cherik truthers, this means an emotional attachment out side the world Erik shares with Charles. this is a genuine attempt by Erik to remove himself from the cycle of fear and rage he has been a slave to since his childhood, and it really did all work out for him. he had a job, a community, and he was able to create a life perfectly for himself. despite needing to hide his powers, this was probably the best outcome he was ever going to achieve.

but, now that the franchises main antagonist has settled into a life of warmth and comfort, its time for the narrative to get moving again. you cant tell a story without its antagonist. yes, Apocalypse is the main antagonist for this specific movie as he is the source for the majority of the films tension and conflict, but this movie is a part of the over arching narrative primarily concerning Professor X, his X Men, and their arch-nemesis, Magneto. being each others narrative foils and their decades old disputes they are quite literally a package deal, there will never be a Professor X without his Magneto. So, what better way to pull our protagonist his literal other half into the mix than a good old fashioned fridging?

"women in refrigerator's" is a literary trope originally coined in 1999 by comic book fan Gail Simone. this term is used to refer to the trope in which a female loved one is killed, injured, or otherwise hurt in order to further the plot. the trope is one in which women are used as disposable. (there is so much more i could say about the sexism rooted in this fairly common trope but its fairly self explanatory and doesn't pertain to directly to the topic at hand.) once you actually learn about this you cant stop noticing it (ever seen a Disney movie?). it is particularly common in comic books as a heavily male dominated field of media. it is an easy, fast way to get emotion and anger out of a character and gives them the motive to fulfill whatever is needed for the story to continue. in this case, the rage born from Erik's grief lead him to join Apocalypse as one of his horse men. ultimately pushing him towards yet another fated conflict with Charles, the climax of almost any X Men film.

if the writers were truly conscious and concerned with fans perception of Erik and Charles questionably platonic relationship, they wouldn't have used a trope to sling shot the man directly back into his fandom assigned love interest. its incredibly unreasonable to claim a device clearly intended to send him closer to his other half was in an attempt to separate them.

and, claiming that his family was just an attempt to erase Cherik feels like completely ignoring Erik's past experiences with fridging that truly work to build the complexities and tragedy of their strictly canon relationship. this is the second time he has had his whole world ripped away from him. the second time he has turned to rage and violence to protect what little of himself he has left. this is the first time however that he realizes he has more than just a little broken piece of himself left. this is the first time he is able to realize there is another soul out there who can see past the rage he is blinded by. the first time he has had someone who continues to see the good in him.

and this is me looking at this from as unbiased a perspective as i can. this is hardly even subtext. Erik's flashback wasn't stuck in there just because they needed more screen time, everything holds significance. it was blatantly telling us that in that very moment Erik realized he still had Charles, the one person who can actually claim to know someone, the one person who genuinely knows HIM.

[l-in-the-light]

En, on, giri and inherited will

Inspired by @mochiajclayne absolutely fantastic post about akuen, I decided to share my thoughts about how Japanese culture concepts are everywhere in One Piece. Might be unexpected for many, because One Piece feels like such a western type of story on the surface, it's not even set in Japan. But like always with Japanese popculture, no matter if it's Death Note, Silent Hill (especially Silent Hill since it's set in America, and yet it's so Japanese at it's core) or anything else (yes, that includes all the isekais), it's always heavily rooted in Japanese culture.

Let's start with "en", it's mostly referring to relationships between people, understood in a very broad sense of the word, like the environment you live in or the whole society/community, but also relations between things. It's often connected to reincarnation, en is the connection that accumulates through many past lives. I don't have a good link in english about the Japanese concept, but it's mostly the same in China and Korea, so here you go for the last one: Inyeon (Korean equivalement of en) in Korean culture. Like yeah, it will have some differences here and there, but the core concept is exactly the same.

Law described his connection to Luffy all the way back in Marineford as "akuen". Akuen is basically "en" + "aku" (evil), a connection to someone that is ill or negative in nature. Like your experiences with that person were negative and it might be the complex result of different connections and events leading up to that. It can be because two people are on two different ends of a conflict or because the communites they both lived in or important events in their lives lead them on the path to oppose each other, or it might be because of past lives. The only way to break akuen is dying in such a way that eliminates your life from the reincarnation cycle alltogether. Ouch. But I'm pretty sure One Piece will show us an alternative way of severing akuen connection. One of the greatest things about One Piece is how it takes traditional Japanese concepts and turns them upside down, but in a subtle way.

For example, it takes the concepts of on and giri and instead twists them into a new idea altogether: that of inherited will. Both on and giri are debts you have collected in your life. On by definition is the debt you can't ever truly repay and you're always bound by it, it's the debt to your ancestors, family, also emperor (who was believed to be set on his throne by gods). It's basically the debt you gain simply by being born into a family, cared for when you were a child incapable of doing it yet by yourself. You return it by always taking care of your parents, especially when they grow older, but you can never repay it in full, you will be always bound by it until the day they die. And sometimes, if your parents die before you even are able to start repaying the favour, you will be in a very unfortunate/disgraceful position, because you couldn't fullfill your duty.

Sometimes that debt can be more sinister and as a result of "on" obligation you will be forced to do in your life whatever your parents want you to do. If you dream to become a veterinarian because you love animals, but your parents own a huge company and want you to inherit it as the heir, you're basically morally obliged to fullfill their wish and that's also a form of debt of on. It's really heavy.

In One Piece, Law calls Cora-san his "onjin", using the very word of "on" + "person", signaling his debt to Cora has the nature of on. It's not because Cora-san was his parent or a religious figure akin to an emperor in his mind. It's because he gave Law his life, prolonged it, that's why this debt is an "on". It's very heavy and Law will never be able to repay it in full.

And then we have "giri" which is also a form of moral obligation. It's a debt of gratitude, kinda a favour for a favour, this one definitely can be repaid.

That's one example of it. Another good one is Chiffon's debt to the Strawhats because of Lola. She tells Bege they need to do everything in their might to repay that debt. It's so important she puts her own safety in the second place. In short, it's when someone does something for you, you gain "giri" that will be expected to be repaid. You might have heard that strangers in Japan are reluctant to impose their help on others, that's because they don't want to impose "giri" debt on them, because forcing someone into a "giri" is considered rude/unwelcome. There's one notable exception though: they don't have that problem with foreigners, because foreigners by definition aren't expected to follow the rules of Japanese culture to that extent. Since they're outsiders, it's fine, the giri doesn't apply to them, so it's safe to help them. That's why many foreigners are often offered helped and Japan has such a friendly image in their eyes as the result. If you're interested to know more about on and giri I reccommend Ruth Benedict's The Chrysanthemum and the Sword: Patterns of Japanese Culture. This book gained a bad rep because of the part it played in World War II, but it's still an excellent anthropological study and stays true even today.

And then we have inherited will in One Piece. It's a debt you take over yourself to repay, a debt of gratitude. Sometimes to repay it you will have to make someone's wish or dream come true (Chopper inheriting Hiluluk's dream), to avenge them (Akazaya Nine for Oden), to do things in their stead (Luffy saving Wano in place of Ace). It's basically the same concept as on and giri, but I think it does one revolutionary thing: anyone can inherit the will. It doesn't have to be kids that take it over from their parents, especially when it's a debt that's been carried over many generations (debts like that also exist in Japanese culture). No, anyone feeling like the wish and the passion of it moved their heart can take it on themselves and carry it. That's why we have Coby taking over for Garp instead of Luffy, for example, or Yamato taking over for Oden, despite the two of them having no "on" or "giri" debts that bind them to do that. They do it instead out of their own free will.

That's why I find "inherited will" a greater concept than on and giri, despite it being almost the same. There's just one important difference here: freedom of choice. Despite sometimes being extremely heavy, on and giri are beautiful concepts, and "inherited will" brings out the best of them while saying goodbye to the most limiting part: it sets you free from the cage of on. It replaces it with unconditional love instead that doesn't imprison you. You have no idea how big such a simple change like this can be.

That makes Law's ultimate quest to find out what Cora-san meant when he wanted him to find freedom even more important.

[damianbugs]

i adore your fic recs your taste is truly >>>> do you have any recs for damian and steph i love them so dearly and i need to read more fics with them :’)

i am so glad you like them <3 and YES!! I DO!! they are so so wonderful. truly the best duo ever and i wish dc hadn't forgotten what an awesome big sister steph was to damian when he first joined the batfam, or how they worked together later on as batgirl and robin !!! i hope you will enjoy these :]

STEPH AND DAMIAN FIC RECS ON AO3

in this quiet company (i forget sometimes, just how to breathe) by emavee

Steph and Damian kill time in Gotham and Damian tries his best not to experience Emotions. Oh, and there's ice cream.

MY NOTES: oh i am so fond of this fic forever. so sweet. stephanie is truly the sister of all time and damian is such a little brother oh wow there are tears in my eyes thinking about the marvelous damian introspection

Nearly-normal-almost-family by glitter_in_my_eyes

Steph hasn't worked with the new Batman and Robin duo long, but she doesn't hesitate to come when they call for backup. Their family's a little rough around the edges, but she'll do what she can to smooth things out.

MY NOTES: if you hear an explosion it's me bursting into a million tiny sad pieces at the thought of the steph dick and damian family dynamic during what was arguably the worst time for everyone. they are so complicated to me and i appreciate the way this fic focuses on that complexity but also the care between them all. so lovely

the spillways of your soul by paperxcrowns

She trips over a root hidden by the snow and swears loudly.

“Do you want them to hear us?” Damian grouses.

She sends him a vicious glare. “You try running in the woods in the dead of winter wearing high heels.”

Damian wrinkles his nose, but thankfully doesn’t make any further comments. Steph doesn’t move for a few minutes and instead focuses on catching her breath.

MY NOTES: only the steph and damian fic of all time. nothing says sibling bonding like near death experiences when stranded in the wilderness. truly my favourite batfam trope.

-> this author also has ANOTHER steph and damian get kidnapped and almost die escaping into the wilderness fic called 'you're just a little bit too much like me.'

do you ever think of me and my two hands by Le_tap_22

Stephanie has never thought, and will never think, of Damian as her child. He’s a child, sure. Bruce’s child, Dick’s child, Talia’s child. But not hers.

He’s her little asshole younger brother. But sometimes when she sits beside him— like now under the soft light of the sun shining through the curtain in the Manor’s library as she watches him write a letter to send to his mother— she feels a deep, almost indescribable emotion well up inside her.

Not for him, but for Talia.

Or, Damian and Stephanie sit together in the Manor’s library, two opposite halves of similar pictures.

MY NOTES: so i never considered this connection before, but after stumbling upon this my entire life has changed forever (very positive connotations). the way talia is written through stephs eyes, and the way stephs outlook on this aspect of her life is written is very special to me and i love this fic a lot

The Not-Babysitter by Hinn_Raven

Steph is volunteered to babysit Damian on his trip to the zoo, much to Damian's consternation. But an encounter with Steph's college classmates might force Damian to admit that things aren't so bad with her around.

MY NOTES: Hinn_Raven is by far my favourite steph writer and i can not recommend this writer enough!!! such a fun protective little brother damian fic

The Stories Between Us by DawnsEternalLight

Sometimes Damian doesn’t mind having someone in the room with him while he paints. When he allows Stephanie to study during one such painting session, he learns something about her past she never should have gone through, and it is his turn to comfort his sister. After all he too has dealt with issues of dying and guilt.

MY NOTES: if dc have decided to never bring up war games and what happened to steph then i have no choice but to find the angst in fics. this one is just. amazing. i need it inside my brain forever. there's a specific thing damian brings up about what steph means to him that literally made me tear up and yeah. im so okay about it

Top-Secret Mission to the Library by pennysparrow

Damian needs a book and only the Gotham University Library seems to have it, so he has to ask Stephanie for assistance.

MY NOTES: to end this off here is such a sweet and nice read. so adorable. damian the little guy that you are.

[jungwnies]

hi maeby! its been a while, im sorry this took too long and I don’t know exactly when you’ll see this but know that i’m writing this on december 16 for reference hehe (this will essentially be a 2023 recap but ill try to be as short as possible)

last time i was here i think it was the end of june or beginnings of july and a lot has happened in my life, on august i turned 21 and i also went to the eras tour!! definitely one of the best days ever in my life and maybe top 3 on best days of 2023  🤍

talking about my birthday its little sensitive topic, for the past five years or so my birthdays has kind of been something that I’ve dreaded so much and i'm just the opposite of happy, its like those posts you see everywhere of people crying in their room during their birthdays and this year wasn’t  the exception, this years birthday..lets just say it will be memorable but leaving that aside august was kind of okay

the concert experience may be on of my favorite memories just because it feel so cathartic, it was just so beautiful talking to strangers and us bonding over music and art, listening and singing to my favorite songs, getting to go to a concert for the first time on my own, traveling with my sister (just the two of us) for the first time, all the beautiful pictures and videos and people that i keep with me because of that one experience it just something that I will eternally be grateful for (also, so. many. friendship. bracelets.)

i remember looking back at my life and my lowest points in it and thinking (and hopefully it won’t get too sad) “well maybe someone out there was right, i just needed to hang on a little tighter, cause imagine missing out on this” 

september was filled with delicious food and me going out a little more often

in october was my sisters birthday, so she held a halloween costume party and i got to dress up as an elf/fairy, i also went to one of my best friends birthday party and felt amazing seeing a couple of familiar faces after months, and some of them even years, waiting. also yes, this means i ate a lot of cake on october (my moms birthday was also on this month hah). i also took a ceramic class. i loved it (I made a small bowl :))

november i went out a lot, bought new clothes, bought christmas decorations, studied korean, went to the doctor cause i thought i was going to die (turns out im not, even far from it : im as healthy as a horse) 

and as of december, planning christmas dinner with my mom and sister, got a bad haircut that made me cry so hard and then got it fixed at another salon, had dates with friends, retook ceramic classes (i made two cups, three heart shaped plates and a little jewelry organizer), scheduled one more therapy session before the year ends after months of not going, took more buses this month than in my whole life and i guess im slowly figuring out my stuff a little more. 

i discovered new artists this year, feel in love again  with old ones that I had forgotten about, learned new cooking recipes, got a little more out of the house than last year, made amends with my body and established boundaries even though it hurt :)

turning 21 this year essentially meant a lot, i don’t want to go into more detailed as to not make this any longer but lets just say im planning on getting 21 tattooed on my next year haha

i hope the rest of the year was kind to you, if you feel comfortable to answer with maybe your favorite parts of 2023 would be great! if not just know that i love you and missed dropping by here, hopefully starting 2024 i'll be back here regularly <3<3

take care, stretch, rest all you need, take your time, and remember that im always right here rooting for you and hugging you 🩶🩶🩶

happy holidays :) love youuuuu

-🧸anon

hiii 🧸anon <3

it has been literally so long, i was taking a break from tumblr, honestly i didn't even think i'd come back but seeing this upon logging in literally brought joy to my heart knowing you're still around! :)

i've read everything, from your birthday to your christmas dinner with your mom and sister. starting with your birthday i'm glad that 2023 you had a memorable birthday after dreading it for so many years, and i hope 2024 also brings you joy! onto the concert next, i know exactly how you feel, it's something that you don't feel often and the crowds are just so amazing because it's people who share the same love for the same artist, and it's like you are in your own little world for a few hours. next, september & october, i'm glad it was filled with food and another birthday, it seems so fun to have a halloween themed birthday honestly!! november, i'm glad it was a good month besides the scary doctors visit >.< december seemed to have been a busy month for you, and hopefully your hair is okay now :( hopefully the therapy sesh went well. I'm glad your year was overall not too shabby, and I'm glad that you had a lot of character development. Hopefully 2024 brings you absolutely nothing but joy! 🖤

now onto my year, i guess i'll go with the highlights. i essentially had a relatively good year, i was able to do a lot of things, and uni was not too stressful, but it's a little harder this semester. starting with my august, i didn't do much except get ready for the semester, signed up for my september classes etc etc, it was relatively boring. my september was a little more eventful, i took a marine biology class which was so fun, and i'm not even majoring in marine bio, we got to talk about sea legends and a lot of the lore behind mermaids and other stuff. in october i did the same thing, but i made one of my best friends ever, except uhhh we're not really friends anymore as of recently, but my heart goes to them, they meant alot. in november i built a new computer, a little nerdy but i actually really enjoyed it except i had a mental breakdown trying to do cable management LMFAO 😭😭in december i had a good month, except the basement flooded so that wasn't very slay but regardless it was a good month filled with nothing but holiday spirit and gifts.

now with a short little update on my 2024, because it's been awhile. in january i went back to school for the second semester, and it's been tough i'm not going to lie. i also got a boyfriend so like !?!??! kinda crazy, he's not too bad but like every relationship we definitely have our downs. in february, it was a short month but nonetheless eventful this is the downfall of me and bestie tbh, but it's okay he was like a life lesson or something!?!?! now this month, it just started and it's been great, it's midterm week right now so i'm a bit stressed, but i also suddenly got motivation to go back on youtube and write on tumblr again, so i'm super happy about that :)

i hope 2024 is kind to you and gives you a lot of joy! remember to take care of yourself, just as you always say to me, stretch, rest all you need, take your time, and remember that im always right here rooting for you and hugging you as well! ❤️❤️❤️

have a great year, and i hope to see you again 🧸❤️

[risaho]

Some words. Soda Sip having his not quiet so chilling moments.

Original from Crime and Punishment

"It was all rubbish!" He thought, heatedly and with violence. "Nevevar made a mistake, but he was not what it's all about, in any case…he had an illness… the illness has been running in Chimer's root and the Hortator.. Nerevar was the symptom of it. He is misguided by the daedra just as Dumac, in the opposite direction however…It was not a mer but a prince that I- we - killed! I killed the principle, but I didn't step over it, I remain on the side of it… I preserve it. It was the rational choice. And the way it's turning out… it only seems that I didn't put an end to a live, but start it inevitably…The principle? Why was that imbelicle Alandro Sul calling the tonal architect rude names? They were machine-like mer; They occupy themselves with the grand "self-built god" fantasy… No, reality itself has been given me once and it won't come along again: I don't want to wait for another Azura's Blessing. I want to live my own life, other Chimer need to live their own life, otherwise the oblivion can take it. I mean, look, all I want is not to have to walk past a dying kid, wasting all my power to lift the broken preach he was under! And all have lead to the only one way of the so called "self-built god"…" he suddenly burst into laughter like a crazy mer, "yes, self-built god. That's what I am." he continued, batterning on to the idea with maliciously joy, rummaging about it in it, tinkering with it and amusing himself with it, "if only because of the fact that, for one thing, I am arguing because I obtained and used those useful tools, and because, since the day of Auri-El I've been there… the dragon's fragile wings and even more fragile bodies. and because, because… what an aesthetic louse I am!" He added, grinding his teeth, "because I myself am possibly even more loathsome and disgusting than a squashed louse, and know in advance that I'd tell myself this only after I'd squashed it! Never since the dawn has such a foul and vile plan occurred! Never since Veloth has such betrayal happened!"

His long hair was completely soaked with sweats, his lips, which had been quivering, were parched with a twisted smile, his motionless gaze salad fixed upon the ceiling:

Almalexia and Vivec - how can he not realize how much he has loathed them, almost physically? How can he ignore the simple fact he cannot endure their very presence anywhere close to himself for such a long time? How much he loves his long-gone family, how much he loathed his now bounded family and comrade. And they must be the same as he was. "If I am capable of realizing it, then they must be the same as I am." He added, thinking with an effort, as though he were struggling with the delirium that was enveloping him. He rubbed the rag covering him impatiently, in the exact spot Vivec's spear thrusted through Nerevar… he remembered his meek eyes, his half-opened mouth and dry lips… if Nerevar has come back to life again, he shall kill him again, again, and again, that one thing was absolute certain. And his meek eyes… he would turn away from them, he had experience… but he would be met with another pair, which he cannot hide from, that Rhoeas Dagoth… why did she have to go and turn up when she did? He wondered why he hadn't been thinking about her this whole time, as if he'd never even killed her? Why didn't she cry out as Nerevar did? She was sacrificing everything for nothing… the gaze was so meek and quiet… soulless!

[sumire-no-nikki]

September Finally

August is over. What a relief. August is a restless month. The sunshine has lost its novelty, the weather is no longer appreciated and we’re all caught in the in between. The summer bounty has started to spoil. The desire for something new has become more urgent, and it’s all starting to feel like there’s nothing that can be done but let time pass. I think that might be the worst part of it—the passivity. August demands endurance. September provides release.

As I’m typing this, the sky murky, gray with rain filled clouds. A sign of a promising weekend and a refreshing month to come.

What have I been up to this month? I’m flipping through my planner and wow, I have been busy! Most notable thing accomplished is finalising my schedule for the rest of the year, which is very exciting, because now that everything is decided all that’s left to do is wait for them to happen. I can’t wait!!

I am also happy to announce I am out of my reading funk!! I read a couple of books this past month—all outside my comfort zone (plus points for that!) I tend to favor literary fiction, historical fiction and mystery novels, but this month I exclusively read YA fantasy. I have a handful of YA/fantasy books because once upon a time I thought I was falling in love with this girl who liked the genre. Pulling my signature “I-Will-Read-What-You-Like-To-Read-Because-I-Love-You” move™️ I bought these books, eager to get to know this girl’s world. But without going too deep into it for now, I very fortunately realized that relationship wasn’t going to work at all and all I have left of that time are these books that are totally outside of my usual taste. Ah, silly me.

Books read this month:

We Were Liars - E. Lockhart

The Impossible Girl - Lydia Kang (okay this is historical fantasy… so it’s only partially out of my comfort zone lol)

Sky in the Deep - Adrienne Young

Vicious - V.E. Schwab

All these reads got a 3+ out of 5 rating by the way. They’re all solid but I also don’t feel a sense of attachment to any of them so I ended up giving them away. I’m glad I read them but it is also a relief to have tidied up my collection a little bit.

Now, what shall I name my Snow Queen pothos babies? They were sitting in a propagation jar for ages and I finally potted them. The mama plant had some root rot issues so I had to save it by chopping it up. When it gets fuller, I’m going to chop it some more and maybe finally make my pothos medley dream come true. I have five different kinds of pothos in my plant family and I really want to experiment and combine them in one pot.

Speaking of plants, I have to trim the dining room plants for the fourth time this year. They’re growing out of control. I’m going to do that later today while listening to some podcasts.

Oh! Yes, podcasts! I come to you with a recommendation. My usual podcasts are True Crime (yes, I am one of those people I’m afraid), scary stories, history and politics. This one is a Sci-Fi fiction podcast (so I’ve continued the theme of staying outside my comfort zone in August it seems). Anyway, I got an ad for a Spotify Podcast called Case 63 a couple of days ago while listening to Disappeances by Sarah Turney (another good podcast). The ad was compelling enough to get me to check it out and I’m so happy I did. It’s a really short 10-episode story about a time traveler trying to prevent the end of the world. How original! (I am being sarcastic lol). But seriously, it actually got me pacing my kitchen while nervously chewing on a banana. It’s pretty good. I’m not into Sci-Fi at all. I’ve probably interacted with like, four different Sci-Fi media in my entire life but this one was an excellent listen. I’m interested in listening to more similar podcasts. I’ll remember to find more this month.

I also bought a new iPad Pro and the matching Magic Keyboard in August. I upgraded from an 11-inch to a 12.9-inch model and the difference is great, especially when I have the split screen setup going on. And the Magic Keyboard is definitely better than the Apple Keyboard Folio I had. It comes with a trackpad so it’s basically a MacBook with a touch screen. I was going to upgrade my MacBook too but they didn’t have the one I wanted and it isn’t urgent, so I just stuck with these two purchases. I’m very content. I put an autumn themed wallpaper on the new iPad (can you feel my intense yearning for autumn???) and I’ve just been setting it up little by little.

This entry’s music highlight is from a band called Half Moon Run from Canada (insert Louise Belcher “enough with Canada!!” GIF here lol) and I may or may not see them live soon. It depends on my schedule. This song is the first track from their newest album which is fucking incredible. Somehow when I listen to the album I feel like I’m back in 2013? Yet at the same time this album feels a lot more up to date than their older works. I don’t know how to explain it. I think it’s the vocalist’s voice. It’s very… 2010s emo/punk/indie sounding. When the chorus of this song rolls in I can’t help but bop my head and sing along especially when he goes “… that weight you carry with yaaaa!!” I love it.

Alright. That’s it for now. I leave you with my orange boy tickling the ivories and knocking all my sheet music off the music rack because, you know, orange cat behaviour. And of course my eldest boy is being the mellow gentleman that he is, just lounging in his “penthouse apartment” (because it’s at the top of their cat tree lol).

Smell you later!

[ftl-faster-than-life]

Hiya!

I must say I never looked into Eobarry because I am an absolute sucker for Halbarry. Mostly because I love when it can be fluffy and fun, all of that AND my heart can't handle angst anymore because real life's angsty enough. BUT I hear you and see the dynamic and I see how it could be so wrecked to have this man coming to the past to try and have a way in the life of a man he adores but who rejected him. Eobard's train of thoughts is basically : "I am gonna come to him by travelling to the past, wreck his life so much that I might have a part in Barry's said life and be with him in a way or another." Like. I see it so well, so thank you for this eye-opening experience.

I am soft so I probably won't let myself sail with that ship and HalBarry is my comfort OTP hahhaa but I UNDERSTAND (I mean, I didn't look that much into it so I might be off with my interpretation).

And since I love Hal and Bear (those blorbos) so much, I want them to be happy and healthy (which is kinda a weird thing to want for people that don't exist, but lemme hope for better things in real life by living precariously through characters I relate to so if they manage to get better I might get the hope for that as well. ♡) [oops]

Take care and lots of love to you. It's really fun to hang on your Tumblr ♡

I'm so sorry this took me so long to get around to answering, I'm afraid I just didn't have the focus to do it til now.

I love Halbarry too--you can probably tell by all the Halbarry I post. Their dynamic is incredible, the mutual trust and absolute love they have for each other really shines in every action. Including when they're roasting the hell out of each other. They're a great example of a platonic relationship that has all the earmarks of potential for a really cozy romance. And yes! Eobard wants so badly to be important in Barry's life that if he can't be the best thing to happen to him, he'll be the worst. I think half of the appeal of Eobarry, as things stand in canon, is the tragedy of it. The way it's doomed before it even starts. It's the worst thing that will ever happen to either of them, and it seems as if there's just no way to prevent it.

It's also just fascinating because it's so heavily rooted in time travel--the instigating event which happens at the end of their relationship from Barry's perspective, and at the beginning from Eobard's. Can Eobard be blamed for losing his mind when he sees that he's fated to die at the hands of his idol? No. Can Barry be blamed for killing Eobard in self defense and the defense of others? No. Eobarry's one of those ships where if it were to become canon in the sense of Barry giving in and being with Eobard, the way that Eobard wants (when he doesn't want to kill Barry or be Barry...) I'd riot. I'm glad you're enjoying yourself, take care and I hope things get better for you!

[universitypenguin]

One thing that I love about TPATL is how different characters view Lloyd. Ex: Marco recounted in ch 14 just how ruthless and insufferable he could be and wonders how princess even puts up with him meanwhile she’s seen his gentler side and knows that he’s capable of being remorseful + does deserve a second chance (AND she’ll defend him against anyone who thinks otherwise 🥰) anyways sorry for rambling just wanted to show some appreciation to this amazing story and writing 🥰🥰🥰💕💕💕

Thank you so much for your comment!

I've been agonizing over Chapter 20 for ages, trying to get it to do what I needed it to. I really appreciated getting your message and being reminded that the main goal I was trying to accomplish as a writer when I began this series has been realized: my characterization skills have improved.

Bringing Lloyd Hansen to life and making him more human, more relatable (but still dangerous!) was something I really wanted to accomplish in TPATL. I love that you appreciated the contrast with Lloyd's past and present positioned against each other, and Princess being caught in the middle.

And, if you don't mind, I'll ramble a little (*cough, cough* a lot) about my two favorite characters... 💙

In chapter 14, I really wanted to show that Princess understands Lloyd's past and she's not brushing it aside or pretending not to know who he was. Instead, she acknowledges how far he's come and recognizes the work he had to put in order to get there. Princess saw him struggle and witnessing his growth is one of the reasons she fell in love with him in the first place.

Another thing I liked about that chapter was that Princess didn't judge Marco for his opinion, even though she disagreed with him. Instead, she befriended him and asked him about his experiences with Lloyd. These lines were some of my favorite in the whole chapter, because they really show Princess' personality:

You were silent, thinking of Lloyd’s revelations in Qatar. He’d cultivated a certain image in the intelligence community, and clearly, Marco had experienced it.

She listened to his perspective and tried to put herself in Marco's shoes, despite not knowing the version of Lloyd he did, so that she could understand the root cause of his dislike:

You nodded, studying his reactions. They were full of anger and distaste. Marco’s story was authentic and his emotions genuine. Defending Lloyd, explaining that he’d changed, wouldn’t help Marco. He’d known a different person than you did. That version of Lloyd had done terrible things without remorse

One of Princess' greatest strengths is that she can see emotions. Like, she can just look at someone else and get a vibe of their mood and emotions. Working with Lloyd and his friends (especially Zach and Landon) helped her learn how to use this ability to her advantage.

She listened to Marco (both out of curiosity and because she could tell that he needed to express himself) and instead of rejecting what he said, she was kind. After hearing him out, her answer was basically - I appreciate your point of view, and yes, Lloyd did some awful things in the past, but he's not that person anymore.

Even though he disagreed with her at the end, I doubt she was upset with him. She understood that because of what he'd been through with Lloyd in the past, he would have to see the differences himself before he believed them.

[lightstar789]

Rules for Rule Breaking ARC Review!

Once again, huge shout-out to Netgalley and Penguin Random House for giving me access to this ARC!

Hello dear followers, it is I, lightstar789, back again with another book review! Obvious spoilers ahead, so let’s jump into it!

Rating: 4/5

I’ve gotta say, after reading so many mediocre romances in the past few months, it’s refreshing that this one was good. Like, really good. It’s true enemies-to-lovers goodness, filled with witty banter that made me cackle.

Both Winter and Bobby were such compelling characters, and as a fellow honors student in their same position, I heavily related to it all. While there were some things that could’ve been improved, such as pacing, I don’t think it affected the overall experience. This novel is definitely on the campier and humorous side though, so if you’re expecting a shit ton of character depth, there isn’t much of that. Now, let’s move onto…

THE GOOD:

THE HUMOR: God, where do I begin? One of the best parts of this novel comes from the fact that Winter and Bobby stay enemies for so long, so there’s ample opportunity for clownery between the two. From daring each other to break mediocre laws, to their commitment to making each other’s lives hell, we get plenty of humor throughout the book, which makes the enemies to lovers dynamic all the more appealing!

THE ROMANCE: Well, this is to be expected, given that this is a romance book, but it was incredibly fun to watch Winter and Bobby slowly warm up to each other, and eventually fall in love. I especially adored Winter teaching Bobby how to relax and to be himself and change for the better, while Bobby convinced Winter to finally start "meeting her friend halfway" and put more effort into her friendship with Emmy.

THE CHARACTERS: The main characters were very fleshed out, but the side characters weren't. However, I cut this book some slack in that department, because the book is mainly focused around the 2 main leads.

Winter Park: Ah yes, a Winter that finally doesn't have a boat load of trauma! I'm kidding, obviously. Spunky, petty, and witty, she's confident and dead-set on going to MIT to be able to work for NASA. The only thing really stopping her is her rivalry with Bobby, and some issues with her best friend Emmy. I honestly find her struggles with trying to keep her friends in her life relatable, especially as they move away. I’ve had a fair share of my childhood friends move away when I was a kid, often leaving me lonely and upset, as Winter feels she will be when Emmy pulls away, and how her grandmother felt after Emmy’s grandmother Nai Nai passed away, creating a compelling generational parallel. I also loved how, despite the rivalry and the moratoriums, Winter still tried to help Bobby get closer to his roots and loosen up, which probably were the first signs she was falling for him.

Bobby Bae: He’s absolutely pathetic (affectionate) and he’s literally just like me. Prone to tears, yet highly strung and dedicated, he's already decided his college and stubborn to go on the trip with Winter, until his girlfriend breaks up with him and everything comes crashing down. One thing that I found interesting is Bobby's home life, and how his parents are kinda...neglectful, to say the least?? They feel very distant from him (he doesn't even know what their jobs are!), so for Bobby to be longing for connection to everything makes sense. From his culture, to Winter, to the rest of his family, I found that this was the common theme tying all of his subplots together, which I appreciate as a key theme of this novel.

Now, here are the things that made me want to deduct a star from the rating:

THE BAD:

PACING: I’ll be honest—I could barely get through the first 25% of the book. There was so much set up required for this plot and I kept turning the page, wondering whether they will finally get on the road or not. While this set up was needed in order to establish the characters and their respective conflicts, it felt like a slog to get through. This happened again towards the end when they finally end the trip and GO BACK TO SCHOOL 😭 before talking normally to each other again like that’s crazy to me. I honestly feel like the ending was an unsatisfying way to wrap up the book, and it would’ve single handedly deduced a star from this rating had the rest of the book not been THAT good.

The romance also falls victim to annoying miscommunication tropes that could’ve been resolved within a page but I’m not even going to touch that right now other wise this would turn into a full blown rant.

Overall, while having subpar pacing, the rest of this book is able to make up for it with its stellar characterization and hilarious wit. Let me know what you guys thought about this book in the comments, and have a great day. Happy Reading!

[allycryz]

Back on my Strahd hyperfocus planning for a possible campaign this summer and am once again annoyed at Tracy Hickman's foreword to CoS 5e.

I'm going to paste it below in full under the cut so no one can say I'm taking it out of context, but I will bold the parts I find especially annoying:

----

We turned the corner, and there was a vampire.

I groaned and rolled my eyes.

It was 1978, and I was playing in one of my first dungeon adventures. It was being run by a friend I had known in high school, John Scott Clegg, and it was typical of the type of adventure that people played in those days. It was all about exploring a hodgepodge collection of rooms connected by dungeon corridors, beating up the monsters that we encountered, searching for treasure, and gaining experience points.

Now we were face to face with random encounter number thirty-four: a vampire. Not a Vampire with a capital V, but a so-many-Hit-Dice-with-such-and-such-an-Armor-Class lowercase vampire. Just another monster in the dungeon.

I remember thinking at the time, What are you doing here? This creature seemed completely out of place with the kobolds, orcs, and gelatinous cubes we had seen thus far. This was a creature who deserved his own setting and to be so much more than just a wandering monster. When I came home from that game, I told all these thoughts to Laura.

That was when Strahd von Zarovich was born.

Strahd would be no afterthought—he demanded his own setting, his own tragic history. Laura and I launched into researching the mythology and folklore surrounding the vampire. We started with the vague, black-and-white image of Bela Lugosi in 1931, but found so much more.

The first "modern" literary foundation of the vampire was penned by John William Polidori based on a fragment of a story by Lord Byron. It was while at the Villa Diodati—a rented house next to Lake Geneva, Switzerland—that Byron and Polidori met Mary Wollstonecraft Godwin and her husband-to-be, Percy Shelley. One night in June, Byron suggested that they each write a ghost story. Mary Shelley's contribution to the effort would later become Frankenstein. The short story "The Vampyre," published in 1819, was Polidori's contribution. He was Byron's personal physician, and the first of the so-called "romantic" vampires under Polidori's hand was actually modeled after Lord Byron.

Byron—like the fictional vampires that he inspired, from Polidori's Lord Ruthven down through the penultimate work of Bram Stoker—was a decadent predator, an abuser hidden behind a romantic veil. He was a comely and alluring monster—but a monster nevertheless. The romantic vampire of the earliest years of the genre was not just a spouse abuser but a spouse killer, the archetype of abuse in the worst kind of destructive codependency.

For Laura and me, those were the elements that truly defined Strahd von Zarovich—a selfish beast forever lurking behind a mask of tragic romance, the illusion of redemption that was ever only camouflage for his prey.

Initially we were going to title the adventure Vampyr—one of a series of games we called Nightventure that Laura and I were self-publishing back in 1978. The castle was called Ravenloft, and when Halloween came around each year, our friends asked us if we could play "that Ravenloft game" again... and so the better title won out. It was, in part, because of this design that I was hired by TSR, Inc., to write Dungeons & Dragons adventures in 1982. Soon thereafter, I6 Ravenloft was published.

Since then, fans of Ravenloft have seen many different creative perspectives on Barovia (a country which, by absolute coincidence, is featured in a 1947 Bob Hope movie called Where There's Life). It continues to be one of the most popular Dungeons & Dragons adventures of all time. In its various incarnations, each designer has endeavored to bring something new to the ancient legend of Strahd, and to each of them we are grateful.

But the vampire genre has taken a turn from its roots in recent years. The vampire we so often see today exemplifies the polar opposite of the original archetype: the lie that it's okay to enter into a romance with an abusive monster because if you love it enough, it will change.

When Laura and I got a call from Christopher Perkins about revisiting Ravenloft, we hoped we could bring the message of the vampire folktale back to its original cautionary roots. The talented team at Wizards of the Coast not only graciously took our suggestions but engaged us in a dialogue that delivered new insights on the nightmare beyond the gates of Barovia.

Now we invite you again as our guests to pass through the Svalich Woods if you dare. For here the romance is tragically dangerous... and a true monster smiles at your approach.

----

It's just so

Patronizing

It would be an entirely different post to talk about the meaning of the vampire figure in folklore and literature and what it represents; because you cannot pin it to simply one meaning. Vampiric folklore can speak of fears of disease and death and plague, Dracula can represent xenophobia AND classism AND sexuality, Polidori's Lord Ruthven can be a high society predator AND an emblem of repressed queerness

But even if Tracy was correct that the vampire has one specific meaning...so what? Why can people not subvert and change the stock characters of fiction? Is there really a problem if Interview with a Vampire turned tropes on their heads? I'm no fan of Twilight but its sin is absolutely not "it made Vampires hot and romantic"

This is especially galling because when you release a ttrpg story or system out into the world, it's going to be changed at every table. For every group that runs a module as is, there are dozens making it their own.

I do think Strahd as written, as a monster who cannot recognize his faults is fascinating. I also think there are a lot of possibilities to mine if you have a table who likes romance and intrigue. My most frequent table plays a lot of Good Society and they get very excited when similar options show up in other systems.

And, honestly, at the end of the day Tracy just sounds like every guy whining that they made vampires sparkly and those aren't reaaalll vampires and every internet user handwringing over oh no there are people who find villains hot

[plumawolf]

The Fallout Who Regenerated mod adds so much more to the story of Fallout 4 than I first thought.

For context, I haven’t played much of the game myself. I dabbled in it a bit a few years ago, didn’t progress all that much, but I know the story because of playthrough and general curiosity. But recently I’ve had major Doctor Who brainrot again, and only just found out about Fallout Who Regenerated. I thought “A mod for a game I already have where you can repair and fly your own TARDIS? Sign me the fuck up!”

Yes, flying the TARDIS is cool. The new Doctor Who themed tracks added are just *chef's kiss.* Go look them up on youtube.

But holy shit.

The premise of this game is already so angsty. But here’s a bit of how I imagine my character’s experience from her pov went when I started a new game with the mod installed. Beware: this part is long and will contain spoilers for both Fallout 4 and Fallout Who Regenerated.

My husband has been murdered, my son kidnapped. I’ve been frozen for who knows how long. I get out of the vault, desperate to see my baby again. Right away, I see Codsworth, still trying to clean a house that’s been abandoned for what he tells me has been two centuries, and he gives me a holodisk from my husband. I don’t listen to it immediately. I'm too desperate to find at least one other person in this desolate hellscape. But I pop it into my Pip-Boy anyway, for later.

I find a stray dog, the first friendly face I've seen in this place that isn't made of metal. I find the Minutemen not long after when I follow the sound of gunshots. I help them out with the raiders, defend against the Deathclaw attracted by the gunfire. The old lady with them says she’s psychic and that my son is alive, and I’ve never been much of a believer in that kind of thing, but I’ll take anything at this point. We all head back to Sanctuary, a not-so-merry band of survivors armed only with pistols and a rifle scraped together out of junk.

We arrive back at Sanctuary and set up camp. It's not much, but the little life returning to my old neighborhood gives me some comfort. I am not alone.

I'm cleaning out the root cellar of another wrecked house, searching for anything that could be scrapped and repurposed, because we still need a way to purify water. And that is when I hear it. Whispers, in a language that I don't understand, but I get such a familiar feeling. Something compels me to look down at the shelf I just searched, really look at it. And there, glinting in the dim lamplight, is a golden pocket watch, and a silver key.

Curiosity overwhelms me. The key looks rather unassuming, but the pocket watch is decorated with many circular designs, overlapping and intertwining in intricate patterns. It feels familiar in my hand, and is surprisingly warm to the touch. The whispers grow louder, and it's almost as if they're inside my mind itself...

The moment I open the pocket watch, it's as if I'd been looking through a pinhole my entire life, but someone has just ripped it wide open. And I remember everything.

I am a Time Lord from the planet Gallifrey, in the constellation of Kasterborous. I came to this planet to hide, hide so well that I would forget my true identity. It takes a few moments to recover from the sheer flood of memories and information, but when I am, it's like I've been reborn. And the first thing I must do is find my TARDIS.

It's not hard to hook up the TARDIS key to my Pip-Boy so I can create a homing signal to its location. Anticipation clogs my throat, my hearts beat faster as the signal gets stronger. I rush past the other settlers, ignoring their worry and questions. And I see it. I see it.

The Chameleon Circuit is completely busted, judging by the exterior, which has reverted to the generic silver cylinder shape. But when I open the door for the first time in centuries, I can feel her in my mind. She hums, pleased to see me again after so long. As I check on her systems and assess the damage (and there is quite a lot), I find myself smiling again. In fact, as I step into the TARDIS depths to look for the instruction and repair manuals (I always lose the damned things... an infinite ship with infinite possibilities, but I'd never thought to use any filing cabinets...), I feel almost giddy. I trail my hands along the walls, passing by rooms I haven't visited in years.

Finally, I reach the library. It's much more bare than it used to be - the TARDIS had to clear quite a lot of space to preserve her systems while I was away, mostly due to the damage she sustained upon landing. When I approach the writing desk in the middle of the room, I see that the TARDIS has already taken the liberty of presenting the instruction manual, in holodisk form for my convenience. I smile and thank her for it. She hums jovially in return.

However, when I open my Pip-Boy, there is already a holodisk inside. My stomach sinks when I remember that it is the one that Nate, my human self's husband, intended to give to me. Against my better judgement, I play it. When it is over, Nate's "We love you" and the last of Shaun's gurgles leave me feeling hollow. I feel the vastness of the TARDIS. Vast, but so very, very empty.

Even after I repair my TARDIS, I cannot leave. I will not, not yet. Because even though I am my true self again, that human version of me still grieves so deeply for her murdered husband, and cares so fiercely for the son that she lost. Even though I am not his mother anymore, I still feel the love that she felt for him. I cannot run away from this. I must find Shaun again.

[biiedwin8]

Maladaptive Daydreaming: When You Stop and Pick A Worse Coping Mechanism

Today, I'll be explaining this phenomenon where someone said that they stopped daydreaming and picked a coping mechanism. Yeah, this is very normal for most maladaptive daydreamers because when you are a daydreamer, it gets to the point where daydreaming has become a nuisance in your life. It's something that takes your time, ruins your relationships, and can even cause health problems because you're neglecting basic self-care, like brushing your teeth, taking a shower, or going for a walk.

You may find yourself in a state where you really want to stop daydreaming, to focus on stopping this addiction. Yes, of course, your life will get better when you stop daydreaming, but it depends on what you are really stopping. So, when you stop daydreaming itself, what may happen is you may try stopping daydreaming abruptly, but the underlying issues that were driving this addiction never go away. This is why you may end up picking another coping mechanism.

You might hear someone say, 'I wish I had not left daydreaming because now I'm abusing substances, addicted to video games, or have other unhealthy habits.' Daydreaming in itself is not something to be stopped; it's not the problem. The problem lies in the addiction or the uncontrollable aspect of your life, where the past is controlling your present life. It's like being caught in a negative thought loop due to past traumatic or negative experiences. To escape this loop, you turned to daydreaming, and it became your coping mechanism and addiction.

Stopping daydreaming without addressing the underlying issues or breaking free from that thought loop will lead your mind to seek another coping mechanism. It may result in substance abuse or other unhealthy habits. This is why it's crucial to work on breaking free from the thought loop and addressing the underlying issues.

Managing daydreaming goes beyond just stopping the daydreaming; it involves improving the overall quality of your life. Good therapy should focus on these underlying issues, not just providing techniques to stop daydreaming. Through effective therapy, you can become more confident, reduce overthinking, manage stress and anxiety, and look forward to each day. Inner transformation is about going to the root of the problem, which is the negative thought loop or underlying issues.

If you're seeking help, look for therapy that addresses the root causes so that you can transform your life holistically, rather than just addressing one aspect. Without working on underlying issues, you may end up picking another coping mechanism, whether good or bad. Prioritize working on these underlying issues; it's not a difficult process once you find the right therapy to help you.

I hope you find this information informative and challenging. Don't just look for another coping mechanism; face the pain head-on, and you'll be free from the past.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with overcoming and managing your maladaptive daydreaming without spending years in therapy, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

[coffeedrgn87]

Fighting To Be Seen 👀

TW: gender, dysphoria, mental health (brief mention of anxiety and depression)

The last couple of months have been anything but a rollercoaster of joy. Not that I believe a rollercoaster could ever be joyful, but that is a) my personal opinion (deeply rooted in my fear of said contraptions) and b) I digress.

As it turns out, and sadly I've had the "delight" to experience this first hand, too many places aren't ready for non-binary folks.

My personal fight for recognition started when I first chose to step out of the closet about identifying as non-binary. It was a scary time, but I also felt like coming out allowed me properly acknowledge my true self, something I hadn't done in a very long time.

After that first step out into the open, I boldly and proudly changed my pronouns to she/they absolutely everywhere. Sadly, I quickly realised that it made next to no difference. Yes, all these places wanted to know my pronouns but apart from a supportive handful of people (most I'd met through fandom), nobody cared...or made any effort to speak to me about my choice of pronouns / use them interchangeably. It seemed like by coming out (yet again), I'd condemned myself to a life of misperception and having to grind my teeth while others blatantly ignored what was right in front of their eyes.

While I wasn't directly targeted with hateful rhetoric, the constant misgendering weight on me heavily. What hurt the most was the incessant use of gendered terminology: girls, ladies, etc., the list is practically endless. Each time I heard or read those words, I felt excluded from whatever group I was in.

The feeling is hard to describe, but for me personally, it felt like a sharp stab directly into my heart, directly followed by somebody throwing a bucket of ice over my head. It hurt. So much. Despite my medication, my anxiety rose to levels I'd not experienced before - at least not for such prolonged a period of time. In addition to that, I had other major real life worries that made me feel like my favourite rug was being dragged from under my feet regardless of how much I clawed at it to stop it from slipping away.

I sought solace in fandom. I dropped the she/her pronouns entirely, thinking people would pay more attention to seeing they/them pronouns -- I was sorely mistaken. Yes, people in fandom went above and beyond to honour my wishes, to make me feel seen, but the rest of the world didn't seem to care, still doesn't. I changed my clothes, adding a binder (my pride and joy!) and wearing more androgynous clothing. My hair had been short for a good while, and I liked it that way, but I went shorter still. I tried so hard to create a person of indeterminate sex, which is how I see myself. I even found a gender-neutral name I fell in love with and adopted wholeheartedly.

None of that mattered. Not even to my family, especially not to my family, but that's another story.

People still look at me and see someone they presume to be female. They see feminine features and hear a feminine voice and their decision is made. I must be a woman. Well, I am not. I don't feel like one. Sure, I have moments where I feel more feminine, but I mostly keep those moments to myself. Mainly for fear of being judged and experiencing yet more misgendering, but also because those feelings belong to me and nobody else.

So, over the past six months I've done nothing but fight to have my chosen name recognised. I've spoken to more LGBTQIA+ NGOs/charities than I've done in my entire life, I've changed therapists and can now proudly say that I'm in the healing hands of a person who sees me as me, a person without a specific gender attached to them.

You'd think that all that energy I pour into fighting to be seen would lead to change, but I mostly just feel like I'm yelling into a soundproofed bottomless pit. I've found myself standing in front of the mirror, wondering whether it's all worth it and it hurts that in 2022 we still live in a world where this is a question trans/non-binary and gender-diverse people have to ask themselves. It's also shocking. I've always been on the road less travelled, but the past couple of months have been a steady stream of my anxiety feeding into my depression and taking away every ounce of energy.

There've been too many times where I couldn't get off the sofa, looked at the dishes and saw nothing but Mt Everest despite there only being two plates and a mug to clean, stood in front of the door to my flat and couldn't convince myself to set a foot outside, and cried bitter tears. I've been angry for months, all because everywhere I turn I've got to ask to be seen.

Some random real life examples:

My neighbour, a lovely parent to a sweet toddler, couldn't understand it when I said that makeup isn't really my thing. Someone took a look at me and decided I must be female. The feeling was so intense, it nearly choked me.

I attended a meeting on culture in the workplace, apparently tailored to me, only to find myself listening to a fifteen-minute presentation about women in the workplace. I don't even know how to begin to describe how I felt. Unwanted is a word that comes to mind. Unseen, hurt, sad are also emotions I experienced. When I spoke up, I got an apology, but the damage had already been done, despite me being upfront about my pronouns and gender.

My dead name was leaked and I've been fighting ever since to contain the mess, and to make people understand.

My current health insurance is point blank refusing to recognise my gender. They even went as far as telling me that I could choose between 'male' and 'female' and that these were my options, end of. I am considering legal action.

The above is just a small selection of things I've been dealing with. But a lot of that happens on a daily basis, in various situations, time and time again. Armed with pronouns and an openness to talk about my gender identity has changed nothing. People still look at me, see what they want to see, and act according to what they perceive to be the right course of action.

Last week, someone unexpectedly used my pronouns and it had been a long time since I heard 'they' used in a statement about me. I burst into tears the moment I dropped off the call, and even as I'm writing this my eyes are burning, my heart is beating way too fast, and my fingers are trembling.

I don't know how much fight I've left in me, but I do know that all I want is to be seen. It's all I think about. I'm tired of opening a form and not seeing a title that I can identify with or having only two choices for my gender, but then stumble across a section that's asking for my pronouns. I'm neither a 'Mr' nor a 'Ms/Miss/Mrs' and it's not fair that on the rare occasion that more than two options are available for gender, I've the choice between 'other' and 'not declared'. I'm none of these. I am a non-binary human being and I want the world to recognise me as such. In 2022, is that really too much to ask for? Apparently so, and it's exhausting.

You know how they say that hope dies last? Well, there's a flicker of that left in me that still believes we can make this world a better place where people think and ask before making assumptions that fit their narrative, but I must also say that I've spent the better part of 2022 doubting that. Because how can I not when I spent 90% of the time feeling like I don't belong or that I have to be someone I don't know how to be.

[hyenahunt]

Saga: Release - 14

Writer: Akira

Season: Spring

Characters: Tori, Chiaki, Seiya, Jin, Hokuto

Proofreading: 310mc (JP) & Peace (ENG)

Translation: kotofucius

Seiya: Idols have such a deep yet comprehensive job, you see; and a fun one you may never master unless you were God.

Location: Mall 1st Floor

Tori: (Alright! I know you’re kind of fried, Tori, but you’ve got this!)

Chiaki: Exactly! You’ve got this, you’ve got this! You can see this through for sure, Himemiya! ☆

Tori: Can you please not read my mind, Morisawa-senpai!?

(…Well, to be fair, I’m also getting the hang of reading their thoughts after working with them for a while, I guess.)

(Even though I haven’t gotten to that point in fine…)

(I wonder if I wasn’t suitable for fine, after all…)

(I got into fine just based on my admiration, without even being sure if it suited me or not.)

(But maybe nobody wanted it—maybe… that was actually the roundabout detour instead.)

(No, don’t start feeling gloomy, Tori! What’s wrong with wanting to be part of what I admired? I’ve realized my dream and achieved my ideal life; what’s there to be anxious about?)

(Yeah! Some of the long-time fine fans also came to this event and told me they envied me.)

(It seems I was famous among fine fans, surprisingly—)

(They all told me I was amazing for realizing my dream to become a member of fine, that they’re rooting for me…)

(It looks like they were as anxious as I was about the previous members breaking up…)

(But it’s okay! There are as many idols in this world as there are stars in the sky — but I don’t regret picking fine among all of them, and I’ll make sure you don’t either!)

(I’ll use my experience as Rain-bows as nourishment and become stronger! I’ll bring fine to even greater heights, to the summit of this world!)

(So don’t take your eyes off me! I’ll do my best, so keep supporting me with a smile if you can…♪)

Seiya: Of course. I’m good at smiling — because I’m an idol.

Tori: Gyo!? Eh!? —Huh? Did I say that out loud?

Seiya: Oh, no. But young people are very easy to read.

Tori: Umm… Ah, I’m so sorry for spacing out! I’ll start writing the autograph~ What’s your name?

Seiya: Ah, yes. Haha, this is quite refreshing.

Will you please sign it for “Hidaka Seiya”? My given name aside, my surname might be rare and hard to write.

Ah, wait—you are a teammate of my son’s. Maybe you already have an idea how to write it.

Tori: Uh… huh? Your son? Hidaka? Wait, could you be Hidaka-senpai’s…?

Jin: Oi, what’s wrong, Himemiya? Tired already? There’s just a bit more ‘til the fansign session ends, so stay focused ‘til the la—

Jin: UWAAAGH!?

Seiya: Ahaha. Jin-kun, an idol mustn’t be saying something like “uwaaagh”.

Jin: Seiya-san!? Wha—! Wh-wh-what are you doing at this kind of place…!? Oi, Hidaka! What’s going on here!?

Hokuto: W-What is it, Sensei? It’s not like you to be so fluste—

Hokuto: GEEEH!?

Seiya: Well, you’re another letdown, Hocchan. How disgraceful — I don’t remember raising a child who would let out such a boorish voice.

Hokuto: I don’t remember actually being raised by you! What are you doing here, Father!?

Tori: Ah, so he’s really Hidaka-senpai’s dad? You two do kinda look alike, now that I see you together ♪

But anyway. Umm, what’s wrong with you, Sensei, Hidaka-senpai? Why are you making that kind of face? You’re in the presence of our fans, you know~?

Chiaki: What’s wrong, what’s wrong?

OOH! It’s really Hidaka Seiya! The real thing! This is my first time witnessing him with my own two eyes! Whoa, he has the same face as I saw on TV! Obviously, but still!

Tori: T-The real thing? What, are there fakes of him? Hey, why are you guys in such panic?

Chiaki: Hmm. Right, you don’t know much about idols outside of fine, huh, Himemiya?

But if you’re working in the idol industry, you must’ve heard of his name at least once, right?

Seiya: Oh no, it’s just natural for the younger generation to not know me. My golden age is long past, and once the era changes, I’m as good as a nameless new face.

Jin: No no, if Hidaka Seiya is a nameless new face, then what are we? Insects?

Tori: Hidaka Seiya… Ah, right, Hidaka-senpai’s dad was a legendary idol, wasn’t he?

That’s why everybody calls you “a thoroughbred of the entertainment world”, right, Senpai?

(I see, this person is… a super idol. Probably the only one of them to survive to this day.)

Hokuto: …….

Tori: Senpai? What’s wrong, really? You look terrible… Are you okay?

Hokuto: …Why did you come here, Father?

Seiya: Why, you ask? Well, I didn’t intend to cause such a ruckus, honestly.

I came for a different matter, but I happened to overhear that you’re holding a fansign event, Hocchan.

I was just thinking that I haven’t seen my son’s face in a while…

And I have an interest in the kind of things idols these days are doing, so I dropped by out of whim.

I’ve no intention to be in your way, so please, pay me no mind. It might come off as an excuse to you — but I hadn’t meant this as anything more than a little parental visit.

Hokuto: ……

Seiya: Haha, it seems I’ve interrupted your event. I did all I could to erase my aura and act like another passer-by, so…

I can’t have a commotion breaking out. I'll be excusing myself.

Aah, you… Will you finish that autograph, please?

Tori: Ah, okay! Umm, Hidaka… Seiya-san… How is “Seiya” written? Like Christmas Eve, with “sei” for holy and “ya” for night, Seiya?

Seiya: Ahaha, that would’ve been wonderful. Unfortunately, it’s “sei” like the character in the Shinsengumi banner and “ya” as in the weapon arrow.[1]

Tori: T-That’s a pretty threatening name, huh…?

Seiya: Yes. It’s quite strange… They say names and natures often agree, but I’m personally not fond of conflict.

As for Hocchan — I pray that you’ll become a guidepost for everybody, like your namesake the Big Dipper.

Hokuto: …Just pray?

Seiya: Yes. My wife may think differently, but it’s your life.

It should be enough for your parents to meddle with your life and teach you how to walk only while you're an infant, yes?

If you need me to hold and coddle you, then tell me directly. I will do as you wish me to — given the proper payment.

As long as it’s work, I will make sure to perform it perfectly.

Hokuto: ……

Seiya: Ah. It seems I really am holding up everyone here… Thank you for your autograph; I will have this and call it a day, then.

Do your best with your idol work, Hocchan. The same goes to Jin-kun, and the rest of you, too.

Idols have such a deep, boundless job, you see; and a fun one you may never manage to master unless you were God.

The kanji Tori guessed would be 聖夜, whereas the real spelling is 誠矢

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