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#;Spiritual Findings;
luminarai · 1 year
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the most drift compatible duo on television, you can’t change my mind
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asurrogateblog · 27 days
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by far the best reaction to john lennon's death was george getting all irritated with him like "idiot should've been more prepared to die. good luck putting your spirit at rest now🙄🙄". and the reason its so funny is because, given the numerous ghost encounters even just between the three remaining beatles, by all accounts george was right
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harrowharkwife · 4 months
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i'm so used to there just being random unidentified bones laying around everywhere in these damn books that it finally occurred to me, just now, to wonder where the bones on new rho came from. y'know, the bones palamedes always tried to teach nona necromancy on.
they're his.
palamedes, who always loved teaching, living on borrowed time in a body that's not his own. palamedes, mentoring, teaching- parenting, by sixth standards, mind you. and that boy is sixth, through and through.
and the entire point of teaching nona necromancy in the first place was to try and determine if nona is, well, nonagesimus, right? so it has to be bones, it can't not be bones. bones are, like, her whole thing.
but they're not in the nine houses, anymore. things are different, on new rho.
they burn bones here. dig up the cemeteries. a society terrified of zombies will evolve to dispose of its dead differently.
the only bones he has access to now are his own. (camilla wouldn't let anyone take them- skull or hand, doesn't matter. they're still him, and she doesn't let go, remember? it's her one thing.)
palamedes woke up every morning wearing someone else's body to then gently place the shrapnel of his own in the cupped palms of a girl who's the closest thing he'll ever have to a daughter and try to teach her- how did the angel put it, again? normal school, as much as possible, for as long as possible.
(but hey, in a roundabout way, at least it's a chance for him to touch camilla again, right? nevermind that she's not there to feel any of it because he's in the driver's seat, that he can only stay for fifteen minutes at a time. it's atoms that belong to camilla touching atoms that used to belong to him, and that's close enough. he'll take what he can get, these days- if she can be their flesh, he can be the end. so what if holding his own bones is a mindfuck? so what if looking at them makes him nauseous? surely he can suck it up and deal with it for fifteen minutes. it's the least he can do— his poor camilla was the one who had to scrape the bloody pulp of them off the floors of canaan house.)
(speaking of, here's a fun fact: we actually only see nona practicing with the bones one time, on-page. camilla's final line in that scene, before palamedes takes over, is none other than: 'keep going. there are some bones left.' ow!)
remember, too, that the only part of dulcinea, the real dulcinea, that palamedes ever physically touched, was her tooth- the one that ianthe gave him, pulled from the ashes cytherea burnt her down to. he only ever touched dulcie once, and it wasn't until after she was already gone, but that doesn't matter- it still happened, and you can't take loved away.
in this same roundabout, bittersweet, by-proxy sort of way, palamedes has been physically touched by nona, too: the atoms she currently occupies, touching atoms that he used to occupy, and never will again.
the main interaction we've seen between palamedes and his mother took place back on the sixth, with her acting as mentor and him as pupil: the two of them studying a set of hand bones, juno encouraging him every step of the way.
we know that harrowhark's "most vivid memory of her mother was of her hands guiding harrow's over an inexpertly rendered portion of skull, her fingers encircling the fat baby bracelets of harrow's wrists, tightening this cuff to indicate correct technique."
they're still small for a nineteen year old, but the wrists are bigger, in this new set of memories nona's making. and it's not an inexpertly rendered portion of skull anymore- it's a hand, now, albeit one crafted from [a piece of skull reassembled (painstakingly—passionately—laboriously reassembled) from fragments, manually, and not by a bone magician, from the skull of someone who, soon after death or symptomatically during, had exploded.] and the identity and origin of these bones is no mystery at all. they belong to palamedes, and he's consented to their use for this purpose, and that matters.
but the details are just set dressing, really. the foundation of the memory is the same.
palamedes and his mother, juno and her son.
harrow and her mother; pelleamena and her daughter.
nona and her father-mother-teacher; palamedes and his daughter.
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oatmilck · 11 months
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idk who needs to hear this but your life needs to be curated to you whenever possible fr. you have to live for you!! find your own mismatched, haphazard, lovely little joys & stop worrying about everyone else.
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a-path-by-the-moon · 2 months
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bbc-trolls · 15 days
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No no I know but wouldn't it just make so much sense if while the Funk Royal parents are searching for their missing egg they instead find a wandering grey Pop trolling in the wilderness they would be like "cool, the universe sent a free son"
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thedruidsforest · 2 months
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Last fall I joined my local community's pagan (church? Circle? Fellowship?) and it's been all sorts of absolutely incredible to talk and meet people and broaden my horizons & practice. But it's all the more solidified that at our last meet, we talked about connectedness, community, and ecosystems, and the talking stone passed to someone who looked at it, sighed, and said "I just want to talk about mycelium and mushrooms" and everyone collectively went "OOOOOOH"
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doedipus · 21 days
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there's a post I saw a few days ago (and of course now can't find to screenshot and apply twee visual effect to) that said something along the lines of
"anime boys are boys, but anime girls are so over the top with it that they barely even have a gender. people use them as avatars all the time on social media or VR chat or whatever and it says nothing about how they actually identify"
and I'm not gonna say that every random dweebus using a gender nonconforming anime girl avatar is transfem, but I do think that it's kind of boneheaded to completely degender the practice and associated behaviors in weaboo circles, yknow?
like it has been remarked upon before (often derisively!) that various aspects of anime fandom, esp around sitcoms with mostly or entirely female casts, provide an extremely rare almost-socially-acceptable avenue of gender escapism for amab folks, and this is one of the ways that that manifests. the popularity of girls-forward shows provides cover for fandom denizens to present femininely vis a vis avatars, reaction images, or light role play, discuss topics and express emotions that aren't traditionally masculine, identify with female characters, and so on.
and on the flipside it's like, fairly well documented and uncontroversial to say that a lot of transmascs participated in fujoshi circles for similar sorts of reasons with similar sorts of results
so while there do exist regular boys who use those sorts of avatars and do those other sorts of things, naturally it attracts a huge and wildly disproportionate -to an extent that is difficult to fully grasp- cohort of eggs and people who are just starting to work on gender things, whose character I am not commenting on here.
but like, the gender nonconformity of it is the point! it's the whole point!!! it is core to the experience of online anime subculture how can you miss thaaaaaaattttttt
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loveemagicpeace · 2 years
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Venus & how you find love and attractiveness❣️🥰
🔥Venus in 1st house- you can find love at competitions, sports activities, skating parks. Through any activities. Appearance, energy and the fact that the person is independent, daring and daring are important to you. You also like someone who is adventurous, full of energy, dynamic, brave, innovative. Maybe you will also be attracted if the person will be direct and honest. Maybe you like people who are a challenge for you.
💵Venus in 2nd house- you can meet a person in a restaurant, a bank, a financial institution, or some kind of luxurious party. You are attracted to stability, beauty (especially natural beauty). You like someone who likes food and music and that they match. Financial security or maybe someone who has a lot of money. You also like someone who has standards and values ​​, self worth and appreciate you and your love.
🧩Venus in 3rd house- you can find love through relatives, at school, siblings, on a trip, also through neighbors or you can find a potential partner who is your neighbor. You like someone who is communicative, likes to change, always has new ideas and you are never bored with. Someone who likes spontaneous things and always surprises you. You also like intelligent, imaginative, sociable people.
🌸Venus in 4th house- you can find love through family members or meet him at a party at his house. Maybe at some private events or places. You like someone makes you feel like home, someone who is caring and emotional. Someone with whom you can always feel comfortable and who makes you feel that he is always with you. Maybe you also like someone who wants to be with you all the time. Maybe someone who reminds you of your childhood or it could be someone from your childhood.
🤹🏽‍♀️Venus in 5th house- you can find love at a party, through hobbies. At some big events, through some projects. In a public place or this person can be more exposed and known by many people. Anything that is fun or you find fun and enjoy it, you can also find love in this way or connect with a person through it. You like a person who is exposed, proud to show off and present you to people, you like a person who is creative and talented. You can like someone who lifts you up and gives you confidence. You like it when someone is noble, generous and grateful.
🚿Venus in 6th house- you can find love at work, through colleagues, at the gym, in some medical institution, maybe even in an animal shelter, a veterinarian, social work. You like it when a person is clean, has a goal, a job, a routine or someone who is organized. You also like someone who has healthy habits or is an athlete. Also someone who notices details. Maybe you can look at a person's physical appearance and many times it attracts you. Someone who is practical or gives you good advice and knows how to help you. You like when you can rely on someone and know that they won't spoil your plans. You also like it when someone is conscientious, focused, sophisticated.
💖Venus in 7th house- you can find love at meetings, through other people, at weddings, courts, legal institutions, also through friends, shopping centers, social events. You like a certain ideal of a person, a certain perfect appearance of a person, you like it if the person is well-groomed, beautiful. The emphasis is on beauty (this is the first thing you will notice about someone). You like it when someone flirts with you, someone who has his head in the clouds and someone who values ​​the relationship and is focused on it. You appreciate someone who can see both sides, someone who is diplomatic, loving and romantic.
💙Venus in 8th house- you can find love when you go through a transformation, when you get over someone, in night clubs, in mysterious places, at funerals, also possible in some psychological institutions. You are attracted to someone who is mysterious, private, hard to figure out, someone who is deep and emotional. Maybe also someone who is more jealous, intense, determined, dominant. Someone who is passionate, sexy. Sexual attractiveness can be very important to you. A person have to attract you both emotionally and sexually. You like the soul bonding. Someone who is loyal, devoted, honest, brave, fearless. You also like someone who sees the ugly side of people and their darkness.
🌉Venus in 9th house-you can find love on a journey, in another country, at college, spiritual places, cultural events, spontaneously, adrenaline-filled places, also could be your teacher. You like someone who is optimistic, fun, funny, likes to joke, someone who can surprise you, inspire you. Someone who likes to travel, has a bigger picture of the world and the people around him, someone who motivates you. It is important to you that someone has the same thinking or view as you. You like someone who is strong-minded. Someone who knows a lot and can teach you a lot.
📸Venus in 10th house- you can find love in public places, public events, someone who is exposed to the media can also be a politician, someone who has reputation and respect, people in high positions, can also be through the father. You like someone who has reputation and respect, someone who has goals and a career. Maybe someone who is older than you. Someone who is independent, independent, ambitious. You like someone who is responsible and follows the rules and is serious. Maybe you also like someone who is more old school. Someone who has authority and is more dignified.
🐚Venus in 11th house- you can find love through social media, events, dreams, friends, through acquaintances, in clubs, at concerts.You can also be with someone who is famous. You like those people who are special in their own way, that they have some kind of specialness in them and because of that they are different from others. You also like someone who is independent and doesn't care about others. You have a specific type of person. Someone who likes to dream or accepts your dreams. Also even someone who is artistic. You usually like people who don't stand out, but someone who is more unknown. Also someone who is weird in some way. Someone who is idealistic, innovative and visionary.
☁️Venus in 12th house-you can find love in dreamy places, dance classes, photography events, galleries, museums, in hospitals, artistic places, institutions, in swimming pools, pools party. You like someone who is artistic, special, unusual, hidden, maybe someone who is more toxic. Someone who has a more dreamy personality, is sympathetic, reasonable, emotional, gentle, caring, passive, also someone who likes spirituality. You can be attracted even if the person is bad for you, sometimes you just like that. Here you can also be attracted to people who have problems with addiction. Someone who is selfless, surreal and also heroic. You can dream of your super hero.
-Rebekah🌊🌙☁️
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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 10 months
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Worry not for the Nameless Red Disciple, they just went down to the river to chill with the river turtles!
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wandoffire · 3 months
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shu-box-puns · 9 months
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 I would never have given you to them; not for anything.
(Tsu’tey x Reader)
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Last Chapter <- Part 2 -> Next Chapter 
If you prefer to read on Ao3, you can find the fic here!
Summary: The na'vi say, every person is born twice.
Word Count: 9035
Reader uses they/them pronouns.
NOTE: The term 'Zaza' is a gender neutral way to address a parental figure.
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Mo’at allowed Tsu’tey to stew in her tent until eclipse. And for that, he was grateful.
He couldn’t stomach the idea of facing the clan right now. Or Jake for that matter. Eywa, he hadn’t lost his temper that badly in years. And now he was drained. His eyes stung and his shoulders heavy. All his thrashing had upset the carefully applied mourning paint weaving down his body, which he would have to fix soon. But only when he had the strength to move.
The demon wearing a warped replica of his mate’s face still taunted his most recent memories. Anger still curdled his stomach, but it was not as hot now. More subdued. More aimed at whatever unnatural methods the Sky People had used to create it. 
Groaning to himself, the Olo’eyktan dropped his head back into his hands, fingers pushing at the pain between his eyes. Failing to relieve the ache. 
Why was this happening to him? To his People? Had they not suffered enough the first time the Sky People had invaded?
First the stars fell and the Sky People returned, forcing the Omaticaya clan to leave their new village and retreat to the floating mountains. And now long dead ghosts were appearing in the forests, attempting to steal his son. The bastards.
Mo’at cleared her throat, the rustle of the curtain signalling her return from dinner. Jerking his head out of his hands, Tsu’tey frowned at the flakes of mourning paint that had come off from the rubbing. Absently, he wiped the evidence on his thigh, eyes straying to Mo’at as she strutted over to him. His ears pinned guiltily at the leaf of food she presented like a peace offering.
<”Thank you, Tsahik.”> He whispered, taking the food from her with shaking hands. Even that was draining. 
The woman merely dipper her head in acknowledgement, choosing not to comment when he obediently lowered the food into his lap but did not dig in. Even the thought of eating at a time like this turned his stomach. He felt too raw to act like nothing had happened. 
Mo’at seemed to know, she always did, and turned her back to him, relieving him of her usually piercing gaze. With the wisdom of her station, she kept her options to herself as Tsu’tey stewed, instead choosing to kneel beside the low fire. Sparks spat and hissed as she added more kindling, watching the tongues of fire leap and grow before she added some larger twigs.  
There was that set to her shoulders, the tell she had passed down to Neytiri when she wanted to voice her opinion but did not want to force someone’s hand. When she wanted to allow them to figure it out first, or start the conversation. Mo’at was a good Tsahik because of it. 
She had been kind in the years following his mate’s death. Supportive of Tsu’tey’s grief whilst practically taking over leading the people when he found it took hard to roll out of his hammock during those earlier days. She had practically adopted Spider on sight, and had taken to babysitting him whilst Tsu’tey got himself together. He knew he would not be where he was today without her guidance.
<”What is it?”> Tsu’tey finally asked, when Mo’at remained steady in her silence.
The Tsahik peered at him over her shoulder, her expression neutral even if her eyes swam with an untold grief and uncertainty. 
<”Speak your mind Mo’at.”> Tsu’tey encouraged. She had never held her tongue before, he would hate for her to do it now.
Mo’at’s tail jumped, before she turned back to the fire, appearing busy. <”Eywa has blessed you with a beautiful gift, you know.”> She stated simply in a tone Tsu’tey could not decipher. A weight clutched Tsu’tey’s lungs in its unforgiving grasp, punching a sad snort from him. He could not disagree more.
Mo’at was not discouraged.  <”The Great Mother has returned your mate to you. She is not usually so generous.”> <”That is NOT my mate!”> Tsu’tey growled through gritted teeth, the declaration punching through him with renewed fury. <”That is a puppet. Made unnaturally by the Sky People, not by Eywa!”>
Mo’at turned to him slowly, her knees still facing the fire, but her eyes glowing with a look that mirrored how Tsu’tey felt. <”Perhaps you are right.”> The Tsahik said in a tone that indicated she did not believe he was right at all. <”Or perhaps, this situation is not so black and white. Perhaps not every is as it seems.”> 
<”It does not matter.”> Tsu’tey told her dismissively, <”the People would not welcome a Demon back into their ranks.”> He knew he was deflecting, trying to use the clan as an excuse instead of his won turmoil. Somehow, it felt safer; even if lying had always been a foreign concept to him.
<”The People thought they would never welcome a human into their ranks either.”> Mo’at narrated, eyes wistful with memories of a simpler time. <”But now we share camp with scientists. You yourself took a human mate and Jake-Sully walks freely among us. As a clan, we have changed.”>
<”What are you trying to say? Speak plainly.”>
There was a moment of stillness, only disrupted by the unpredictable sway of the flames. 
<”I would kill to be in your position right now, Tsu’tey.”> 
Any retort that might have been brewing on his tongue was immediately dashed. He could not respond. The tight vice of emotion in his throat choked the words from him. 
Mo’at seemed to deflate, her usual spark dwindling. The beads of her shawl clinked softly as she picked up a stick and stoked the fire. 
<”Eytukan, has been with the ancestors for fifteen years now.”> She said, and Tsu’tey listened as he always had. Like they always listened to one another when reminiscing on the people that had been lost or stolen from them. <”Eywa allows me time to hold and hear him, but he does not walk beside us. I miss him with everything I am.”>
Tsu’tey winced sympathetically. He shared this pain. And until a few hours ago, he had been in a similar mindset. 
Carefully, he set his leaf down to the side and shuffled closer. Resting his hand lightly on Mo’at’s shoulder. She raised her face to the tent ceiling, leaning into his touch and gathering herself. Her back jumped under Tsu’tey’s fingers at her shaky inhale.
Then she turned to him, fully. Her expression was determined. Those wizened old hands clutching his own in their strong grasp. 
<”The Great Mother has a reason for everything she does.”> Right now, it was the Tsahik addressing him, not Mo’at who had always been like a mother to him. <”She does not guide without reason. She does not create without intent. For whatever reason your mate walks again, it is of Her doing, and we must honour it.”> <”How?”> <”Return them to High Camp.”> The Tsahik instructed him. <”By whatever means, return them to us. Set aside your grief and be the hunter I know you to be.”>
Tsu’tey could feel himself nodding. It wasn’t acceptance of the situation, but it was an attempt at internal peace. A moment of reprieve, in which he could push aside his personal feelings and hide behind the mantle of Olo’eyktan again.
<”One step at a time, child. You have been angry for so long, it is time to start healing.”> 
He was far from a child. The world had taken too much for him to be considered as such. Pandora had sculpted him into one of the best hunters of his clan, had supported him through his grief and grown him into a strong Olo’eyktan.
And yet, it still hurt. The dull pain that used to be background static in his mind had been yanked forward. The battle worn scar harshly slashed open to allow fresh waves of pain to hurt him as if nothing had changed. As if time had not dulled the pain and made him more resistant to it.
It felt like a betrayal when his eyes flickered down to his wrist. To the brown beaded bracelet that had once been worn as a choker, partially hidden by his wrist guard. 
Tsu’tey’s ears rose tall as hurried footsteps rapidly approached the entrance to the Tsahik’s tent. The woman in question perked as Jake-Sully shoved his way into the tent, Neytiri piling in not a moment afterwards.
<”What is it?”> Mo’at demanded, rising to her feet before Tsu’tey could gather his barings.
<”It’s Neteyam.”> Jake-Sully blurted, his hand hovering at the communications collar as he swallowed loudly. <”The kids. All of them went with him to deliver the recom to a safe location-”> <”Spit it out!”>
<”The kids lost them. They slipped away.”> 
Mo’at shifted uneasily, all earlier tenderness swept away in her agitation. <”And? Quickly now, I know that is not all. We know the recom did not intend the children harm.”> Jake-Sully was breathing too hard to continue, so Neytiri jumped in, her panic evident. <”There are more Demons in the forest. Sweeping the undergrowth.”>
Tsu’tey was on his feet before she had finished, in a heartbeat, his bow was in hand and he stepped out from behind Mo’at. His previously dormant anger was bubbling again, making it hard to speak as he rounded the fire and strode confidently for the tent’s entrance.
The Tsahik grabbed his arm before he could leave. <”I See your pain, child.”> She reassured him, <”but do not allow it to blind you. I trust you will return with everyone in one piece.”>
He nodded, words beyond his grasp, and she let him go. 
Jake-Sully fell into step with him, Neytiri falling into a brief conversation with her mother before following them to the ikrans.
<”Is Spider with them?”> Tsu’tey croaked, to which Jake-Sully nodded glumly as he paused to check his ammunition for the gun slung off his shoulder. 
<”What is the plan Olo’eyktan?”> <”Retrieve our children. Kill any of them that try to stop us.”> Judging by the dangerous grin Neytiri shot him, she whole-heartedly agreed with his plan. 
>_<
The moment you got an opportunity, you slipped away. 
With the shock of what had just transpired turning you numb, it was easy to slip into marine-mode as your old comrades used to refer to it. 
Tuning out the bickering of the children - the children being all of Jake and Neytiri’s brood who had stealthily followed Neteyam’s ikran, much to the older boy’s annoyance and Spider - you made a swift and clean escape. Or at least, as clean as an escape can be when your wrists are bound and you’re trying to abseil down the side of a very tall tree using nothing but a vine and core strength.
<”I told you three to remain with the clan!”> Neteyam groaned in exasperation, to which Lo’ak immediately responded with something sarcastic and whitty that earned him another growl from Neteyam.
Their voices quickly grew muffled the lower you got, only their ikran paying you any attention with their weirdly intelligent eyes. Thankfully, none of the kids were still bonded to them, so the mounts noticing you didn’t automatically make the children notice you.
Within moments, your toes were touching down on soft grass, and you were another step free. Your chest twinged at the thought, as you reluctantly recalled the expressions of the People. The same People you had thought to be your salvation, only this morning. Many of their faces you recognised, despite the clear ways time had changed them, but many you did not. Regardless of all your training, your ears still rang from the volume of Tsu’tey’s tortured screams, your heart still hurt from the hatred in which he looked upon your new form. Stomach twisting, you thought of Neytiri’s harsh treatment, starkly contrasted by Mo’at’s weary questioning. 
It was clear, they were not the people you had fought and died alongside, but mere phantoms of a past that felt like only yesterday. Despite having been back on Pandora for a little under a week, the events that led up to the burning of HomeTree felt vivid and recent. You could still see the colossal structure burning as your colleagues held their breaths. Could still feel the horrible ache for what the clan had lost.
The rage that had awakened in you only burned brighter as Quaritch threw Grace, Norm and Jake in jail, before turning his sights on the Tree of Souls. It festered behind your ribs as you helped Trudy free the trio. It clawed at the back of your throat as you watched their helicopter tear across the tarmac before soaring high into the stars and disappearing from view. The rage turned cold as you had turned your back and slipped back into the building and back into Quaritch’s good graces.
There, you had been called into the Colonel’s office and told - alongside your squad - about Project Phoenix. You had been hungry for knowledge that could aid the People then, and you had gladly signed the contract and slipped into the link unit, already planning on which coordinates to send Trudy to pick you up from.
And that was where your previous memories ceased. 
The evidence of that decision manifested itself in your blue skin and sudden growth spurt. It reflected back at you from the anguished expressions of your loved ones. 
What remained of that rage had finally spluttered and died between your ribs when Tsu’tey had raised his knife to you. Whatever spite had fueled your actions and encouraged you to flee Bridgehead had evaporated. Leaving your eyes vacant and your limbs heavy. 
That was no longer your home. They were no longer your friends. Tsu’tey was not your mate. And whatever relationship you had had with Spider was not long dead and gone. 
You were not the person they grieved, but a living phantom. A sick figure of the past who should have remained there. 
<”Oi, you!”> Lo’ak’s voice echoed between the tree, startling you from your spiral. Stupidly, you turned your head skywards, to find all five children staring down at you in confusion. <”When did you get down there?”> <”Climbed.”> You very helpfully replied, whilst kicking yourself for getting caught in your head instead of running away.
Oh yeah, you were supposed to be escaping. 
In a matter of breaths, you turned on your heels and threw yourself into a run.
<”Hey! Wait!”> One of the children yelled after you, but you were done waiting. You were finished with biding your time. In plotting and scheming just to live. Just this once, you were going to be obvious. You were going to put yourself first and get as much distance from the clan as you physically could.
You could hear them following you in the trees. Cursing and yelling to one another as you wove around plants and chose random intervals to change direction in an attempt to shake them off your trail. The uneven ground was hard to navigate, but your adrenaline high didn’t seem to care. Your body on autopilot.
Every panicked stride taking your cursed existence further and further from the hearts and minds of the Omaticaya. With any luck, you would disappear from their lives entirely. 
Their reactions flashed behind your eyelids now, your stomach twisting into tight knots at their expressions. It had been foolish to expect acceptance. To think that you could salvage the wreckage of your old life as if time hadn’t marched on in your absence. These were not the people you once knew.
Jake and Neytiri had a family now. Kids you had never had the chance to watch grow.
Tsu’tey had adopted a child. A human child. He had moved on. Any interactions you had with him from here on out would only reopen old wounds. Best to get away now, before you become a permanent memory instead of a phantom of the past. 
You didn’t know where you were going. Just that you couldn’t afford to stay here. For all you knew, you were blindly stumbling into the jaws of your second demise. Perhaps Eywa had a palulukan with your name on it.
You had no knife. No survival gear. No squad. 
Even if you wanted to return to the RDA for some stupid reason, you couldn’t. You had seen too much. Walking back into that prison with the knowledge you possessed was as bad as storming into General Ardmore’s office and drawing her a detailed map with one of her fancy pens.
The Omaticaya may not be your family anymore, but you would not throw them to the wolves-
The ground abruptly disappeared from beneath your foot. Your stomach lurched as you pitched forward. Hands straining against their cuffs, you uselessly tore at thin ferns as the ground rolled out from under you and you found yourself hurtling down a cliff face. Grabbing at the undergrowth was futile. The roots were either too weak or the leafed vines slipping painfully through your fingers. It was futile, trying to grasp an overhanging vine or catch yourself on a rock, but you tried anyway, only for the ground to catch you before you could effectively slow your descent.
The impact knocked the wind from your lungs, leaving you to groan breathlessly as you stared blankly up at a cloudy sky. 
God, what a day. What a horribly emotional, nightmare of a day. What you would give to go back a week and start over. Better yet, what would you give to go back fifteen years and never sign that <i>stupid</i> contract?
At least your bones were reinforced now, or you would surely have broken several ribs or at least the arm you landed weirdly on. Head thumping back into the moss, you stilled as your eyes caught on an unnatural purple glow emitting from the centre of the bowl of cliffs. Tilting your head back, your throat tightened at the sight of the Tree of Souls standing proudly on its earthy throne, its glowing, willow like vines swaying on a soft breeze.
You had never seen the Tree in person as a human. Only ever in images taken from the skies. Or on the screens of scientists greedily trying to learn everything they could about the tree that lay at the centre of na’vi culture. A site that was sacred to the People. And very much not somewhere you would want to be found, with a pissed off Olo’eyktan intent on landing you a fatal blow.
The thought of Tsu’tey somehow finding you and becoming even <i>more</i> murderous had you clumsily rolling onto your stomach and pushing yourself to your feet. The moss was spongy beneath your sore toes, glowing a magnificent turquoise when you relieved it of your weight.
Heart in your throat, you turned your back to the tree in hopes of finding the entrance to the Well of Souls. If you recall correctly, there was a sloped trail that meandered down into the bowl. Stumbling along the walls of the cliffs, you tried to ignore the unspoken beckoning of the tree. Your kuru tingled at the base of your skull. A current of electricity travelling down the sensitive cord as if someone were trailing a finger down the skin beneath the braided hair. 
Some instinct that wasn’t your own, knew the sensation would be elevated if you connected to the Tree. 
Of course, because you had common sense and knew nothing about what that would do to your mind, you continued to scan the cliff faces for an exit.
The tingling abruptly cut off when you stumbled across an uneven patch of earth dotted in blooming flowers. Your toes thrummed with something unnatural where they touched the disturbed earth, the moss thinner here, as if it had been disturbed some time ago but hadn’t quite managed to heal. 
It was a grave, you realised with a tight bob of your throat.
No, it was a pair of graves. One fresher than the other. Too small to be the resting places of na’vi. 
They were human graves. Neatly dug rectangles that the Well of Souls had begun to reclaim and conceal.
There were no headstones. Only names carved into the cliff face at the head of each plot of disturbed earth. The older one carried an inscription that was weather worn, with lichen growing in the grooves formed by a sharp blade.
<i>‘Jake Sully’</i> 
Heart hammering, your gaze flicked to the fresher carving. Though old, it looked to have been cleaned recently, unlike Jake’s grave which was on the verge of disappearing like a bad memory. 
Your name stared back at you. 
It was odd really, to be looking down at your own grave. Knowing that beneath your feet lay the skeletal remains of your human form on a bed of soft brown earth with sun lilies waving about its head. It was weird to know that that version of you lay resting within Eywa’s embrace, finally at peace with no goal for tomorrow and no pinch of regret for yesterday. Ignorant to the fact that everything beyond laying down in the link unit fifteen years ago, every adventure and your glorious demise, was not lost to you. 
Who had brought you here? Who had tended to your wound or ailment? Who had prepared your vulnerable body to return be sent Eywa, uncertain if the Great Mother would even take you? Had they laid you to rest beside Jake’s soulless form, under the false hope that it would keep you company even whilst in the cold embrace of death. 
More importantly, what had put you here? What had killed you? It had not yet been long enough for time to have dealt you a mortal blow, nor did the diseases of Pandora threaten human forms. 
Had your death been dramatic? Cradled in the loving embrace of someone who begged you not to depart. Or had you been alone? Gasping for breath but finding no relief, wishing for the pain to stop and for Eywa to take you already.
The snap of a twig had your ears perking and your mind snapping out of its self-pitying spiral. You stepped away from the graves, tail straightening as you became painfully aware of your vulnerable situation. Booted footsteps echoed around the bowl of cliffs as a lone figure messily descended the concealed slope that led into the heart of the Well of Souls. You expected one of Pandora’s horrors or an RDA machine to explode across the open space.
Instead, a single Recom stepped out from behind a wall of cliff, moving methodically across the moss, his gun loaded and angled in front of him. Your gaze caught on the sunglasses firmly sat upon his nose, leaving you to stare dumbly at him as pure relief washed over his expression. Mansk’s face lit up, ears wiggling as he unleashed a hysterical laugh. 
You jumped as the sound echoed around the Well of Souls.
“We thought we lost you!” He exclaimed, picking up his pace as he approached. You tried your best to return his enthusiasm, forcing your tail to stiffly begin wagging as the man approached.
“I got lost.” You chuckled dryly. “Ended up losing half my gear on the way.”
He grinned, wide and toothy. “We thought the na’vi got you.” 
“Almost.” You joked, lifting your bound wrists for him to focus on.
Mansk shook his head fondly. “You always were a slippery one.” He mused, allowing his gun to swing back on his strap as he pulled a utility knife from his belt. His movements were confident as his large, five fingered hand gripped your forearm before he effortlessly cut the vines binding you.
You nodded gratefully, immediately moving to rub the sensation back into them. Mansk’s expression was unreadable when his hand fell to your shoulder, squeezing encouragingly. “Let's get you home. I’ll radio the chopper and we’ll get you back to Bridgehead in time for dinner.” Mansk promised as he pulled back, expression still bright. It made your stomach twist with unimaginable guilt. “You’re filthy. Bet you can’t wait for a warm shower.”
You forced a laugh as your stomach twisted with indescribably guilt. 
Your disloyalty towards the RDA had never been because of your colleagues, and strongly towards the company itself. Which only served to cover your tongue in something sour at Mansk’s easy acceptance of your presence. Unknowingly, he was attempting to lead a hornet straight back into the beehive, and you were half tempted to let him.
Anger was reigniting low in your belly. Similar to the rage you’d felt when HomeTree fell. The kind of fury that made you want to watch the world burn. To lead the facility to ruin from the inside before letting yourself join it in its destruction. 
In truth, you didn’t want to return to Bridgehead with its low ceilings and loud equipment. But what choice did you have?
Na’vi lived in clans to survive. You were a marine, but you doubted you’d last long out here on your own, whereas the other forest clans would no doubt shoot you on sight for your attire. 
Mansk unexpectedly went rigid in front of you, hand frozen on his ear piece. Your gaze snapped up to him, reading the tension in his face, the widening of his eyes behind his glasses.
“Na’vi.” He whispered.
“Mansk?” 
“Na’vi!” He blurted, abruptly sweeping you aside with one enormous arch of his arm, effectively shoving you behind him before he dropped his utility knife and scrambled for his gun.
Instinctively, you snatched up his fallen knife, but fell short of plunging it into his turned back, by the sight of Lo’ak standing threateningly by the sloped entrance to the Well of Souls. The kid was tense, eyes snapping from Mansk to you, whilst he held his knife by his side, concealing it with his body. 
“At ease.” You soothed, hoping to discourage the marine from firing on sight, but Mansk was already shaking his head.
“Fuck no. These things travel in packs, if there’s one, there’s bound to be a whole squad nearby.”
From the undergrowth, you heard Neteyam yell, <”LO’AK GET BACK HERE!”> 
Mansk lurched at the order but did not fire. His hands shook but he tried to school his face into something more neutral as he stared down Lo’ak.
Lo’ak who easily said, <”no,”> to his older brother and took another, slow menacing step towards the armed recom. God, all you could see was Jake’s childish defiance in his every movement. The naivety of a child believing they were invincible. “The hell is it saying?” Mansk demanded, his hands shaking on his weapon.
Lo’ak tipped his head up defiantly at his words, before saying in broken English, “you should not be here.” 
Mansk jumped at his accented words, body tensing further as he instinctively pressed down on the trigger. Lo’ak barely managed to duck back behind the wall of rock as bullets tore up the moss he’d previously been standing on.
Heart pounding in your chest, you instinctively swung your knife hand up, slamming the hilt hard into Mansk’s temple. He cried out, losing his balance from the strike and falling heavily to his knees and elbows. His gun remained close to his body by the strap over his shoulder.
“Are you out of your mind?” Mansk shrieked, voice kicking up several octaves. “They’re na’vi!” He yelled, as if that was supposed to make you falter. “They killed us.” 
“You should not instigate violence here!” You snapped, bending at the waist with all your teeth bared. “This place is sacred.” Mansk opened and closed his mouth several times. His shades had slipped down his nose, revealing large, accusatory eyes. They flickered from your wild expression to the Tree of Souls looming over your shoulder.
“You can’t be serious.” He scoffed. “We thought you’d left all this treehugger crap behind.” “You assumed wrong.” You corrected him, “now put the gun down. Pandora will not take kindly to more ruin of its sacred sites.”
Mansk spluttered at that. “Are you even hearing yourself right now?” He demanded, “they’ve killed hundreds of us. Good soldiers. Good people. I’ve lost so many friends to these fuckers.” “And the na’vi have lost families, homes, territory. The humans aren’t the victims here!”
“Why do you say it like that?” “Like what?” “Like you’re something else.” Mansk blurted, “we’re still human Private.” He argued, tone bordering on hysterical. “Turning blue didn’t change that.” It was your turn to scoff. “Stop being delusional. We signed our humanity away the moment we touched pens to that blasted contract.”
Something seemed to click for him. “You’re one of them.” It didn’t sound like an accusation.
You straightened, knife still clutched tightly in your dominant hand. No words sprang to mind to protect yourself as you glared down at the marine sprawled in the moss at your bare feet. Even decked out in full military attire, he looked more na’vi than human. And you looked even more like one of the People, but not enough. Not enough to blend in with them. To be accepted. 
“I am not.” You told him truthfully. “Well you’re sure as hell not one of us.” 
“Is that so?” “You’re a traitor.” “Perhaps.”
He barked a short laugh. High pitched and hysterical. He was already shaking his head as he scrambled backwards, putting distance between you, as if your feeble knife would do anything against the monster of a gun currently nestled in his lap. 
“How long?” He demanded. You tilted her head in confusion and he sucked in a desperate breath. “How long have you been working for them?” Against your better judgement, the corner of your mouth kicked up. “It was nothing personal.” “How long!” He cut in, still backing away, still trembling. “Have you been lying to me? To our entire squad? To the people who have laid down their lives to watch your back.” You breathed out a long breath. “Don’t think I can count back that far.” You admitted, watching the hope drain out of him at the admission. “I mean.” Another stolen moment to do the maths. “Since before Jake even set foot on Pandora.”
Mansk’s expression shuttered as his fear abruptly melted away. You were familiar with the sight of a neutral mask shutting off his emotions. You knew your own expression mirrored the marine in the dirt.
“Did you get that Colonel?” He asked the air.
You immediately tensed, expecting a bullet between the eyes or for Lo’ak to cry out in pain from where he was still cowering behind the rocks.  But instead, Mansk waited in silence, the buzz of a voice over the comms. Jake’s kid was no doubt long gone by now, his curiosity sated by the danger of the situation.
Your gaze snapped to the ear piece still blinking a steady red. Still recording. The marine nodded, expression solemn. Then he reached up and turned the earpiece off.
Movement flickered by the entrance to the Well, but you dared not glance away from the dangerously calm marine. Your slick grip clutched tightly at the hilt of your stolen utility knife as the man adjusted his grip on his weapon.
“Well done on getting this far. You had us fooled” He praised you, voice tight. “I’m sorry.” He said, and you knew he meant it.
“Nothing personal.” You repeated. “I just found something much better beyond the compound.” “I understand.” Mansk promised as he swung the gun up so the mouth glared at your unprotected torso. “But I’m still pissed at you.”
And then he opened fire. 
Pain ripped through your right side. Long fingers of liquid fire dragged their nails across your torso, tearing up your dirty tank top, splitting skin. Expression twisted in pain, you gasped as more bullets whizzed passed. You staggered in place, knife dropping uselessly from your hand as Mansk emptied a cartridge of bullets into your abdomen.
Every sound of pain that punched past your lips could not convey the fire that laced your side. It stole the breath from your lungs, causing you to crumble to your knees even as the marine paused to reload. 
You hit the dirt hard, knees buckling and slamming down into the moss. 
Distantly, you realised that this would be your finally resting place for both your human and recom bodies. Although you doubted anyone would bother to bury this one, you were internally grateful that someone had cared enough to carve your name into the stone of Pandora. A tiny fragment of yourself would remain. 
The gun went off again. Firing one, two more bullets before the sound spluttered and died. There was a curse in English. Closely followed by a gurgling sound, as if someone was choking on blood. Then a second twang of a bowstring and the wet thud of an arrow landing. 
>_<
Sunlight slid off of your face as you lay on your back, arms limp at your sides and your head lolled back. You could feel vines wrapped under your armpits, securing you to whatever you were leaning against whilst your shoeless feet dragged against damp moss. 
<”Eywa, they’re fucking heavy.”> Lo’ak complained.
<”We wouldn’t have to be dragging them if Neteyam had let me kill the bastard earlier!”> Spider snipped harshly, to which Neteyam quickly reprimanded him.
<”We had to make sure they weren’t going to hand over High Camp’s location.”> Spider muttered wordlessly under his breath, whilst Kiri jumped in. <”Stop whining Lo’ak and pull.”> <”I am pulling!”>
Neteyam spoke up, <”Spider is clearly pulling more than you are.”>
<”He is not!”> Lo’ak insisted, and whatever was dragging you along the forest floor abruptly jumped, sending your body into a world of pain. 
You groaned. Low and guttural. Everything below your arms screaming in pain.
<”Shit.”> Lo’ak cursed, swiftly followed by the sound of a smack. 
<”Idiot.”> Kiri spat, earning herself a half-hearted growl. <”I cannot effectively treat wounds that you continue to reopen.”>
<”It wasn’t on purpose.”>
“God, you kids are bloody loud.” You grumbled, vision swimming as you tried to rouse yourself further.
The sliding motion abruptly stopped as your words crawled their way out of your mouth. Gently, you were laid flat against the forest floor, and a shadow fell over your eyelids.
”You’re okay Zaza.” Spider soothed softly, and small hands pressed down on your forehead. <”They’re burning up.”> The boy reported, anxiety curdling his earlier reassurance.
<”They’ll never make it to the village like this.”> Neteyam whispered, to which Kiri jumped in.
<”We’ll get them stabilised using the Tree of Souls and I’ll clot those wounds.”> <”Can’t you call Dad? He’ll want to know if they’re dying.”> Spider asked.
<”Or help them pass faster.”> Lo’ak muttered, earning himself another smack.
Their bickering allowed you to drift for a while. Mind fluctuating between hearing the sound of your surroundings, to feeling like you had been submerged in a river. Time continued on as it had a tendency to do, even if you were not awake to appreciate it.
<”I’ve let Dad know we’re safe now.”> Neteyam said some time later, bringing you up from the tranquil bubble in which you had been floating. Distantly, you could feel little hands pushing your hair away from your sweaty forehead as pressure upset the wounds in your torso. <”But I think we should give Tsu’tey more time.”> Spider groaned. <”If he takes any longer-”> You drifted off again at Spider’s annoyed tone. The pain yanking you down beneath a sea of endless throbbing. Vaguely, you felt delicate hands fumbling with your kuru. The sensation was odd, ticklish almost as the braid was carefully attached to something that felt alive but not. You felt the tendrils wrap around something warm and pulsing as if it were your fingers knotting into a fist.
Then there was a bright tunnel of pulsing purple light behind your eyes, and you slipped away from Pandora, sinking into a comforting presence. It felt almost motherly, the way your sub conscience held you. 
>_<
Slowly, a scene faded into view. In the back of your mind, you recognised it as the compound tucked in the Hallelujah Mountains. The one you’d spent three months sharing with Trudy whilst the three avatar drivers frollicked around the forest.
The compound was the same, but different somehow. The light pouring into the room was dappled instead of blinding like it was at that time of day perched upon the mountain. Grace’s belongings were missing, alongside Jake’s wheelchair and Trudy’s bunk was stripped, her jacket carefully folded and dusty at the foot of the elevated bed. 
The scientific equipment had been rolled out to make room for kids toys and a cot. The link units had been ripped out, and in their place, a hammock as long as the room had been set up. 
Curiously, you slid a hand along the material, stomach clenching at the sight of large, blue hands instead of the small, human ones you’d been expecting. 
Behind you, there was a soft noise. 
You turned, only for your stomach to drop at the sight of Tsu’tey sitting cross-legged against the far wall, a respirator hanging around his neck. He looked relaxed, almost content as he leaned against the wall, looking much too big for the small space and the streak of white paint running from his forehead to his chin. The hunter did not notice you watching him.
Smiling softly, he instead watched someone at his side. 
You followed his gaze to a child happily messing around with the hunter’s tail. You recognised the kid immediately as Spider from his big eyes and shock of curly blond hair. He couldn’t have been any older than two, sitting beside Tsu’tey without an ounce of fear as he raked stubby little fingers through the hair adorning the tip of the tail.
Neither spoke as they sat in companionable silence. Tsu’tey watched the boy with a bittersweet expression of pure adoration, whilst Spider tested how far the tail could curl and stretch. 
You took half a step closer and the scene evaporated.
>_<
This time, human you sat before you with their back to you. You were still in the compound, but it was decorated how you remembered, with the link beds all set out and your military jacket hung on the back of your door. Jake’s wheelchair was still missing, but some of Grace’s decorations still lingered. You could almost smell that ridiculously strong cherry blossom perfume she used to cake herself in, because she forgot to shower between driving her avatar and noting down her observations.
Human you was sat at their desk, pouring over a notebook in which they scribbled furiously. Curious, you inched closer. It was odd how you had to stoop in the familiar space to keep from hitting your head, but you pushed the thought away as you peered closer.
‘I see you.’
The page said. And written next to the English was Na’vi in bold italics. 
‘Oel ngati kameie.’
Tsu’tey ducked into the room without warning, startling human you who immediately yanked another notebook over the page they were just writing on.
The hunter chuckled softly at their hurried motions, as he took his time approaching. 
You stepped aside as he got closer, eyes catching on the lack of white painted down his face. How the bullet scars adoring his chest appeared more raw; newer. Which inevitably led your eyes to the baby shawl slung across his chest and a wiggling Spider cuddled up to his chest. 
<”Your son is being difficult.”> Tsu’tey complained as he lowered himself to his knees beside human you’s chair. What little breath you had was abruptly punched from you, whilst human you simply turned in their seat to smile up at him. Tsu’tey was very clearly pouting, ears lowered playfully.
<”Defeated by a baby.”> Human you joked, leaning in to cup his cheek. <”I never thought I’d see the day.”> Tsu’tey tsked softly, large hands falling to their thighs and holding gently. <”You’re warmer than me.”> He said simply. <”And he sleeps better with you.”>
And that seemed to be that, because Tsu’tey withdrew his hands to carefully pull Spider from the baby shawl. The infant did not go easily. Clinging to everything within reach, from the shawl to Tsu’tey’s braids, which only served to make human you laugh at the pair, as Tsu’tey pouted whilst carefully untangling Spider’s little fists from him. But before long, they had Spider cradled in their arms, his little eyes drooping comically. 
<”Lets go to bed.”> Tsu’tey suggested. Human you made to complain, but the hunter was already pulling them from the chair and against his chest.
>_<
The scene shifted to a na’vi village you had never visited before. Instinctively, you knew it was the new clan home, based on the familiar faces milling around. Hidden amongst the trees, you made out various tree houses nestled in the branches, with children swinging from home to home, whilst adults carried out their daily tasks.
Your attention was drawn by a hush that fell over the clan, and several heads turned towards the shadow of the trees at the far end of the clearing. As tall as you were in your recom body, you still had to strain to see na’vi you did not recognise emerging from the undergrowth.
Judging by their attire and spears instead of bows, you recognised them as a clan from a neighbouring territory. The small entourage was led by an older na’vi male adorned in vines of fiery red and gold. Clearly the Olo’eyktan, the man walked through the Omaticaya clan who parted easily for him. He nodded to any who met his gaze, speaking soft greetings.
Tsu’tey and Mo’at stepped forward to greet him, both decked out in their ceremonial attire. They touched their hands to their foreheads in greeting as the visiting Olo’eyktan mirrored the gesture. You noted the lack of white painted down Tsu’tey’s forehead as he greeted the man with an award winning smile. He stepped forward, Mo’at at his elbow as the visiting Olo’eyktan introduced himself.
The man tripped over his tongue as he caught sight of Spider wrapped securely in a shawl across Tsu’tey’s chest. Your eyes bugged at the sight of how small the child was in the open world of Pandora. How his exo-mask looked comically big over his little face, as he absently played with Tsu’tey’s kuru, which the man had pulled over his shoulder for the toddler to entertain himself with. 
The visiting Olo’eyktan’s expression was pinched as he found his voice. <”You did not send word that you had adopted.”>
Tsu’tey took the poorly concealed accusation in his stride. <”I apologise, with rebuilding, many things have escaped my notice.”> The visiting Olo’eyktan nodded his head good naturedly, a sliver of his tension easing at Tsu’tey’s explanation. <”This is my son, Spider.”> He proudly explained, grinning when Spider glanced up at the mention of his name.
<”He is one of them.”> The visiting Olo’eyktan commented.
<”He is mine.”> Tsu’tey corrected simply, before stepping back and motioning to a fire that had been set up for the meeting. <”Come, you must be tired.”> The visiting Olo’eyktan nodded his head gratefully. <”It has been a long trip.”>
It was then that Spider began to fuss. Angrily, the toddler pushed away the kuru and began demanding to be held with grabby hands. His fussing picked up as Tsu’tey tried to keep a pleasant conversation going, whilst soothing the child with a hand rubbing up and down his back. 
Spider was not amused.
Mo’at, seeing Tsu’tey struggle, decided to chip in with asking the visiting Olo’eyktan about his Tsahik. The man easily followed her change of conversation, explaining how his mate had fallen ill and wouldn’t have comfortably completed the journey in his current state. 
Whilst the pair walked ahead to the fire and the clan and visitors disbursed to continue with their duties, your attention remained on Tsu’tey who was struggling to get Spider to settle. His tail thrashed in unease, hands checking the exo-mask to ensure it wasn’t rubbing. 
His ears pricked cutely at the approach of someone half his size. Human you was dressed in a simple shirt and camo shorts to combat the heat, they wore a beaded choker at their neck. They padded barefoot across the clearing, an amused smirk tugging at the corner of their lips as they approached Tsu’tey, who was quick to drop to his knee and twist so that Spider could clearly see his other parent. 
The effect was immediate as the toddler threw himself away from Tsu’tey, arms outstretched towards you. He only stopped fussing when human you lifted him out of the shawl and into their arms. 
Tsu’tey remained on his knee for several more moments, softly watching his mate and child with a look that could melt even the hardest of hearts. Human you noticed him looking and were quick to press a kiss to his cheek and urge him back to his feet.
Dazed, Tsu’tey went willingly, but not before offering adorable words of endearment as a final parting gift.
>_<
The scene that followed was blurry as if someone had wiped grease across a camera lens.
This time, you were not experiencing the event from an out of body perspective, but instead, you appeared to be back in your human form. Every movement the body made was not your own. They were sluggish as if you were drunk or disconnected from your motions.
Beyond the warmth of a tea clutched between your hands, you could not figure out where your human body was. Whether you were in the compound, or within the new village. There was someone with you. A na’vi.
Their voice was smooth as honey, laced with the undertone of something malicious.
Every muscle in your body screamed danger as a large, four fingered hand took the tea from your grasp and helped you to your feet.
<”Why don’t we go on a walk?”> The voice suggested, to which the body you were in nodded jerkily. There was an amused huff, another hand on your shoulder; steering you.
You wanted to wiggle free. Every instinct you possessed screamed that this person meant you harm. 
<”Very good.”> The voice cooed, <”Eywa, this will be easy.”>
>_<
The scene shifted. The world was still murky, but this time, your chest hurt. There was someone stood over you. That same honeyed tone. The glint of a blade. 
Somehow, you knew you had been stabbed. 
<”Now my brother can finally be free.”> Your murderer muttered.
Even as the world darkened before your eyes, your consciousness stalled. A name floated to the forefront of your mind. Knowledge that had seemed irrelevant at the time offered you a face to put to the statement.
>_<
For this memory, you were once again outside of a body. You stood back at your recom height, watching Tsu’tey stumble across your bloodied human form.
He wore no white paint, and was adorned in the ceremonial attire he’d welcomed the visiting Olo’eyktan in. Thankfully, Spider was nowhere in sight.
The hunter unleashed a gut wrenchingly, wounded sound as he collapsed to his knees before your dying form. His hands shook as he bundled them up in his arms, cradling them close. His hair braided with the red beads you remembered from before the war, and his Olo’eyktan necklace curled around his throat. You watched as he cradled the tiny form close to his chest, whispering in na’vi. His voice too low to hear.
Distracted, he unsteadily rose to his feet before taking off in the direction of the clan. Your phantom form easily kept pace, watching him weave through the trees. His head snapping down to human you every few paces.
<”We’re almost there Yawne.”> He promised, clutching them impossibly tighter.
They bled from a wound to their ribs. Not a bullet wound, but a long, deadly slice, deep and angry as it wept. Not the clean kill. 
<”Did you kill him?”> They asked weakly.
Tsu’tey frowned, <”who Yawne?”> 
Their brow furrowed at the question, but you could see the clarity slipping from their half lidded eyes. They were practically limp in his desperate grasp. 
<”Slippery bastard.”> They said bitterly. <”Make sure you take good care of Spider. Gonna miss him.”>
Tsu’tey looked at them tightly. <”He will be back at the compound. You will see him shortly.”> <”Do not let him see me like this.”> They whispered. <”I don’t want him to remember me like this.”> By this, they meant bloody. Broken. A weak voice and a severe lack of strength in their arms. Tsu’tey seemed to understand.
<”Fine. I will wait until I have washed you of the blood.”>
<”Tsu’tey.”> They reprimanded weakly and the man bristled.
<”I am not going to lose you!”> He abruptly declared with the wrath of an Olo’eyktan fueling his words. <”I am going to take you home and you will be healed. And Spider and I will cuddle you until you are well again.”> <”That sounds nice.”> They whispered, voice somehow fainter. <”Can you keep holding me? Please?”> <”I am.”> Tsu’tey insisted, <”I’m holding you, Yawne. I’ve got you.”>
<”Can’t feel you.”> They told him, and Tsu’tey face twisted into something painful. <”Hurts.”> <“I know. I know.”> A sharp hiss through their teeth as a particularly unexpected jerk. <”Hurts!”> <”I know. I know. I know.”> Tsu’tey chanted, working himself up again to the point where panic laced his voice and brought tears to his eyes. He was still running, still returning to the clan with his dying mate in his arms. And even so, he called to Eywa for help. For some miracle. <”Please Great Mother, HELP ME!”>
No response.
Human you had gone deathly pale in his arms. Their fingers shaking as they tried to grab onto his arm guard to bring his attention back to them. Their voice was small when they next spoke. <”Thank you. For everything.”> <”Stop talking like this. You’re going to be fine. Mo’at will patch you up, and you will be running around giving me headaches like usual.”> They hummed and fell still. 
Tsu’tey grew distraught before your eyes. Lower lip quivering as he shook them, ears falling flat when they didn’t hiss in pain. His hands shook as he crushed them to him, tail smacking against the nearby trees and he fell painfully to his knees.
The sound he let out shook the heavens. The grief that tore its way up his throat, bursting out of him as he clutched the corpse incredibly closer. Rocking them. Praying to Eywa. Begging her to give them back.
Before you could stop yourself, you moved towards him. He either didn’t notice your presence or didn’t care as the grief consumed him. It tore at your insides to watch him break. To listen to him bargain with a force beyond your understanding.
All you wanted was for the crying to stop. Your hand found his head, fingers slipping through immaculately kept braids. He fell still. Teary eyes slid up your form, catching on your face the most.
“Yawne?” He whispered, sounding distraught and broken.
“You’re okay.” You promise, and his face crumbled. Your human form has disappeared from his hands but the blood remained. And those bloodstained hands reached for you now, twisting into your torn shirt, clawing at you. He looked at you like you were a miracle. Like you were something precious. A stark contrast to the hatred and rage from before. He wound his arms around your thighs now, holding impossibly tight as he buried his tear stained face into your stomach. 
“I’m sorry.” He whispered brokenly, hands clutching tighter. As if you’d disappear if he loosened his grip for even a heartbeat. Your hands remained in his braids, soothingly petting through them as he repeated it over and over again.
“Wasn’t your fault.” You assured him. He shook his head, pushing his nose hard into your stomach. Denying your forgiveness.
You urged him out of his hiding spot. Hands falling to cup his cheeks and rub away the tears that spilled down them. You stilled at the white paint that had suddenly appeared down his nose. It was a simple stroke, stretching from brow to chin.
“What does this mean?” You asked.
“It is how I show my grief.” He explained. “How I honour your spirit.”
“I thought the mourning period lasted for a season.” You wondered aloud, recalling the Tsu’tey of the current time, who wore his white line proudly. 
“It does.” He confirmed, vulnerable and raw. It made you pull him into you again. Up off of his knees so he towered over you. His eyes were still shining, blood still all over him, but you didn’t care as you pulled him down so his face could tuck itself into the slope of your neck. He went willingly, pulling you to him, holding on tightly. 
“I’m sorry.” “You do not need to be sorry.” “Couldn’t protect you.” “You did everything you could have.”
“Spider will be stuck with me. I cannot make him stop crying like you do.” The quiet admission has you pulling back in an instant. “That boy loves you with every fibre of his being. He looks up to and cherishes everything you do for him. He does not blame you for what happened to me. And nor do I.”
“But-” “Stop punishing yourself, Love.” You told him, “please. You can’t keep living like this.”
He stared at you. Blankly. Before suddenly coming back to life. His white paint was chipping before your eyes, flaking away to reveal shining little dots along his brow that trailed down the slope of his nose.
“I will find you.” He promised. And you believed that it wasn’t a threat, but a vow.
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​Last Chapter <- Part 2 -> Next Chapter
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heph · 1 year
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Found you 🦋
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swordheld · 6 months
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hi! your blog is one of my favourites and i absolutely adore reading your thoughts. my grandfather recently passed away and it feels like i lost myself with him. how do i continue living after this? there is this constant weight on my chest and it feels like an emptiness has made a home inside of me. how do i go on when it feels like the world crashed on my shoulders?
hello, love! this is so very sweet and kind of you, and i hope you're treating yourself gently and kindly right now - there aren't words for a loss like this. that heaviness is difficult, and hard, and painful. it's okay if things don't feel okay, right now, or even soon - i think that's something that a lot of the people i know that have gone through similar grief feel: like they should be able to get back to a relative 'normal' in a [insert far too short period of time].
but it's okay if it hurts. that's where i'd like to start. you're allowed to feel that emptiness, that world-crashed feeling that goes beyond words, beyond time. don't feel like you have to rush this to feel some sort of better. things get easier with time, i promise you this, but sometimes painful feelings are important to feel, too. cry, scream, feel your emotions. they're a part of you. grieve.
it's perhaps a little silly, but when i think about death i always think about a couple of space songs: mainly drops of jupiter by train and saturn by sleeping at last. there are perhaps others that speak to the emotions better, but these two have always hit something a little deeper for me, and are popular for a wide-reaching reason.
and while personally i don't know much about grief like this, i do know a lot about love; and i think they're a lot of the same thing.
the people we love are a part of us, and this is why it takes from us so deeply when we lose them, because it does feel like we've lost a part of ourselves in the wake of it. but it's because they were so central to our experiences of living - our lives, that the separation introduces a hollowness - a place where they used to be. a home that now goes unlived in.
an emptiness, like you said.
but just because they're not here physically, doesn't mean he's not still there, in your heart, in your life, your memory. you can hold him close in smaller ways, as well: steal a sweater, or cologne/scent for something a little more physical and long lasting for remembering. hold onto the memories you cherish, the things that made you laugh, the ease of slow mornings and gentle nights. write them all down, slide a few photographs in there, go through it and add more when you miss him. keep them all close, keep them in your heart.
you're not alone, in this. he's still there, with you, it's just - in the little things.
he's with you in the way you see and go about your daily life, in doing what he liked to do, in the ways he interacted with the world that you shared with him. the memories you recall fondly when the night is late or the moment is right and something calls it into you like a melody, an old bell, laughter you'd recognize anywhere.
but i think, perhaps most importantly above all others - talk about him. with your family, your friends, his friends, strangers; stories are how we keep the people we love alive. the connections they've made, the legacies and experiences they've left behind, and so, so many stories.
how lucky, we are - to love so much it takes a piece of us when they go. grief is the other side of the coin, but it does not mean our love goes away. it lives in you. it lives in everyone who knew him, in the smallest pieces of our lives.
the people we love never really leave us, like this: they're in how we cook and the way we fold our newspapers, our laundry, in the radio stations we tune in to and the way we decorate our walls, our photo albums. they're in the way we store our mail, organize our closets, the scribbled notes in the indexes of our books. the meals we love and the drinks we mix, the way we spend time with one another. they've been passed down for generations, for longer than history - and we are all the luckier for it.
think about what you shared with him, and do it intentionally. bring him into your life, like this, again. whether it's crosswords or poetry or sports or anything else. if one doesn't help, try another. something might click.
i hope things feel a little easier for you, as they tend to do only with time. i hope you find joy in your grief, even if it is small and hard to grasp at first. know that your hurt stems from so much love that there isn't a place to put it properly, and that it is something so meaningful and hurting poets and storytellers have been struggling to put it into words and sounds that feel like the fit right for eons, and that it is also just simply yours. sometimes things don't have to make sense. sometimes they just are - unable to be put into words or neat little sentiments, as unfair and tragic as they come.
but i promise it will not feel like this forever. your love is real. and perhaps, on where to begin on from here - i think it's less on finding where to begin and just beginning. and you've already started. you've taken the most important and crucial step: the first one. wherever you go, after that, from here? you'll figure it out. you always have, and you always do. it'll come, as things always do. love leads us, as does light - and you're never alone in your hurt. in your grief, your missing something dear to you. i think if you talk about it with others, you'll find they have ways of helping you cope as well - and they have so much love of their own to spare, too.
as an aside, here is the song (northern star by dom fera) i was listening to when i wrote this, for no other reason more than it makes me think of connections, and love, and how we hold onto the people we love and how they change us, wonderfully and intrinsically. it's a little more joyous than the others i've mentioned, and plays like a story, and it made me think of what is at the core of this, love and stories and i am here with you, and maybe it'll bring you some joy, if you'd like it. wishing you all my love and ease 💛
#q&a.#birdsong.#wishing u gentle ease; the death of a loved one is near inexplicable to put into words and i hope you take care of yourself gently <3#i hope this will make u laugh: when i was a tiny child in middle school there were times i would go outside in my tiny suburban cul de sac-#in the rain and sing along to my lil ipod nano and i only remember doing this to drops of jupiter. can you imagine going out to get the mai#after a long day of work and you just hear this kid singing train in the streets. in the RAIN.... it makes me laugh like i really.#i really thought i was so cool and deep and emotional ghjkd but i find it v funny that i only remember it w/ that one train track.#and saturn just. it's my fav s.a.l. song for a reason. that slow violin opening? the piano coming in gentle and easy?#it feels like light. like hope. like something new - a dawn after the long dark. that beautiful things can begin again even where#it hurts. and there is nothing more human than a sentiment like that.#how rare and beautiful it is to truly exist. what it is to be alive and get to be here and live with other people. with those we love.#i think your grandfather was so lucky to be able to know you. to have you in his life for the time you had together.#i'm no spiritual person; but i like to believe when you're thinking about him? he's thinking about you too.#the second law of thermodynamics (physics nerd mode) is that no energy has ever been created/destroyed since the beginning of the universe.#so it has to go somewhere - it's that carl sagan quote of 'we're all made of stardust'. because we are. we used to be stars; planets; etc.#i think it's why i think of these space songs - because they're a part of everything; once more; when they go. us and everything else.
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kaladinkholins · 3 months
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guys cmon. be ffr please. akemi did Not love taigen. the only reason why she was desperate to search for him to the point of putting herself in danger is because she didn't want to get married to an abusive man (which she believed at the time that takayoshi was). when seki tried to dissuade her from running off, her reason was not "but i love taigen and wanna be with him 🥺" it was because she refused to be controlled and have her autonomy taken from her; she literally says "i won't be locked away in edo married to a stranger." and when seki still tries to argue that getting married to the heir of the shogun would be better than getting caught by brigands, she then says "that kind of man"—referring to takayoshi—"treats women like animals. they say he's a tyrant." and when seki chuckles and says "what man isn't?" her response is "you." she doesn't even talk about taigen. she is using him as much as he was using her. they both see—or, well, saw—each other as means to an end. for taigen he saw that marrying into the tokunobu clan would elevate his status and wealth. for akemi she wanted the right to choose who she married, and she wanted that person to be someone kind. that's it! neither of them loved each other. but since they were courting of course they acted sweet to each other, and they do still care for one another, especially due to their romantic history. but let's be real! akemi is a boss bitch who dropped taigen and forgot all about his ass as soon as she saw takayoshi was a nice guy. because duh? not only is takayoshi a better lover (it's implied their lovemaking lasted a long time) but he's also kinder towards her and presents her with an opportunity to claim power and freedom, which she would not have if she had married taigen, as she would have still been stuck under her father's thumb. so literally why should she settle for taigen's stupid ass! she may be a little naive at times but she's still incredibly intelligent. she would not do something stupid for the sake of "love." you know who would though? taigen.
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a-path-by-the-moon · 2 months
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