#^person who needs 12 hours when not flaring and 16 to 22 when flaring

[jumpywhumpywriter]

ANOTHER list of some of my favorite quotes and short scenes from my OC named Shadow, a morally gray anti-hero who is the snarkiest, whittiest, most sarcastic and badass person in my in-progress fantasy trilogy. I just love her brutal personality so much!

Let me know what all of your favorites are! 😁

(Other list of snarkiness can be found HERE)

1. "Embrace the pain. Only through the darkness will we find the light. Unless of course, you're like me, and you prefer the dark." Shadow smirked wickedly, flaring her wings out for emphasis. "Or something else wise-sounding along those lines," she added sheepishly.

   2. Thomas: *accidently runs into Shadow's wing when she stops abruptly*

Shadow *whirls on him angrily* "One day my patience will run out, and I will punch you. In the face. VERY HARD," she growled.

Thomas: *internally traumatized*

   3. **Shadow's team playing fun game of 'how do you think you will die?'**

Thomas: "Honestly, my death with probably be caused by ticking Shadow off at the wrong time," he laughed heartily.

Shadow, with a deadpan expression: "My death will probably be caused by being sarcastic at the wrong time."

   4. **Shadow, in a grumpy mood after Tanner tries to tell her the 'when life gives you lemons' optimistic approach** -- "Life has never given me lemons. It has given me anger issues, anxiety, and a serious dislike for stupid people. But not lemons."

   5. "There's a reason I told Tanner you were an idiot... STOP PROVING ME RIGHT!!" Shadow threw her hands up uselessly, glaring at Thomas.

6. "Shadow, I'm sorry."

   "I'm starting to think ‘Shadow, I'm sorry’ is my actual name, considering how often you say it to me."

7. Shadow, after accidently causing some casualties: "I admit, some mistakes were made--"

Thomas: "Murders."

Thomas: "Some murders were made."

8. "I believe in hate at first sight." --Shadow

9. "You know what sucks? Everything."

10. "What is WRONG with you people?!" Shadow yelled at the team.

11. "What was that?!" Thomas yelped at the sound of a loud crash from the other side of the enemy-filled room.

"The sound of the tables turning," Tanner laughed in relief.

*Shadow aggressively appears and tears the enemies apart*

12. "Uh, Shadow? I need some assistance," Thomas called out.

"How unfortunate," Shadow replied, not pausing her sharpening of blades.

13. "Ugh, My head hurts," Thomas grimaced.

"That's your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity," Shadow offered oh-so-helpfully.

14. "That doesn't look very 'alone' to me," Shadow growled, glaring daggers at the man standing next to Tanner.

15. "Who is he?" Thomas squeaked fearfully, staring at the tall, imposing figure across from him and Shadow.

"Just a hunch, but I'd say he's the bad guy," Shadow snorted.

16. "Ah, yes, so we live to die another day." -Shadow

17. "Is 'no' an emotion because I feel it."

18. "A penny for your thoughts seems a little pricey, don't you think?"

19. "Admit it. Life would be boring without me," Shadow grinned. (And we can all agree with that statement, right everyone??)

20. Thomas: *is gushing sentences hysterically because something traumatic just happened to him*

"Shhh.... no one cares," Shadow cut in.

21. "You want nice? Or honest?" Shadow raised a meaningful eyebrow.

22. "You’re not really stupid. You just have bad luck when you think."

23. "Yes. I understand what you’re saying. I’m just not going to do it." -- Shadow turning Thomas down on a request.

24. "I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding," Shadow yawned dramatically.

25. "This is my opinion of your opinion." *Shadow spends next hour telling Thomas exactly how wrong he is*

26. "First of all, no. Second of all... still no."

27. "It's a beautiful day to leave me alone."

28. "If you need anything from me, reconsider."

29. Tanner: "Good morning!"

Shadow: "What's so 'good' about it?"

30. "Hmm... my common sense is tingling."

31. "My alone time is sometimes for your safety."

32. "I can use a single word to describe what's wrong with you, Thomas: everything."

33. Shadow tilted her head to the side, looking genuinely puzzled. "Not sure if you're trying to be funny or if you're just an idiot."

34. "What essential oil makes you go away?"

35. "The stuff you heard about me is a lie, I'm way worse."

36. "My level of sarcasm has gotten to the point where I don't even know if I'm kidding or not," Shadow admitted sincerely.

37. Shadow: "Relax, he died of natural causes!"

Thomas, horrified: "You flew him higher than a skyscraper and dropped him on concrete!!"

Shadow: Gravity's natural.

38. "If you don't like my attitude, quit talking to me."

39. Tanner, eating grapes: "Shadow, you want some?"

Shadow, wrinkling her nose with distaste: "I have to decline. I'm not used to consuming wine in pill form."

40. Thomas, trying to talk Shadow out of going out and murdering an enemy that recently ticked her off: "Why seek revenge? Karma is going to get the bastard anyway."

Shadow, baring her teeth angrily at him. "Exactly. I AM THAT KARMA."

41. "Truth is I did escalate things," Shadow snickered.

42. "Sorry, slight tone delivery problem."

43. "Huh. This would be a cool way to die."

44. "Great plan, I love the part where I almost bled to death," Shadow remarked with an eye roll.

45. "If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out," Shadow growled.

46. "Friends come and go but enemies accumulate."

47. "Wreaking havoc is my personal specialty."

48. "I have boundary issues. You better respect them." Shadow narrowed her eyes warningly.

49. "People need to start appreciating the effort I put in to not be a serial killer," Shadow groaned in exasperation.

50. "Well I'm so sorry my facial expressions don't know how to use their inside voice!" Shadow sneered.

51. "I’m actually not funny, I’m just mean and people think I’m joking."

52. "Thomas, I will LITERALLY ignore you so hard you will start doubting your existence."

53. "It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste."

54. "I don't keep secrets, I just keep people out of my business."

55. "Sorry for being late. I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes of not being here."

56. "Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often."

57. "Have a nice day, somewhere else."

58. "That sounds like a ‘you’ problem. Not a ‘me’ problem."

59. "Aaaaand we've officially reached peak bonkers."

60. "You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel."

What doesn't kill you gives you a set of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humor, as you can tell from this list. 😂 poor Shadow! She's been through so much, but she's still the funniest, snarkiest character ever through it all!

Masterlist #1 - all my main whump stories

Masterlist #2 - all stories specifically involving Shadow and Thomas

@scoundrelwithboba @lumpofsand @isikedmyself878 @iamheretohurt @fleur-a-whump

@ay5ksal @otterfrost @sausages-things @togzy

@whump-till-ya-jump @cravesunconditionallove @whumpwritinglover222

[eldritchsurveys]

1249.

1. What is your favourite kind of "-cide" (e.g., suicide, homicide, matricide, genocide..etc)? >> Patricide. Deicide's also fun.

2. Do you prefer soupy noodles or noodles without the broth? >> Noodles without the broth, 100%. I really just am not a soup person. Like, it can taste good, but I just do not like having to deal with broth. 3. Do you listen to Sublime? What's your favourite song of theirs? >> I don't. Santeria and Date Rape and What I've Got are definitely still nostalgia classics for me and I love hearing them in the wild, but I don't have them in my Likes or anything.

4. Don't you hate it when you comment/message someone a question and you know they've read it but they don't reply? >> Abso-fucking-lutely.

5. Do you have a virus scanner installed on your computer? >> I don't, Windows Defender or whatever does the job fine enough for my needs.

6. Do you think a pretty person with ugly teeth can ruin their appearance? .

7. What's up? .

8. Have you ever missed someone but felt like they had other friends and didn't miss you as much as you did? .

9. Are you pretty good at small talk/conversing with acquaintances? >> I don't find small talk to be difficult at all, I'm just not very fond of the fact that I rarely get to progress beyond small talk with people.

10. Who, out of all your friends, do you hang with the most and could never get tired of him/her? .

11. What was the last bet you made between a friend? Who won? .

12. Do you like the taste of white chocolate or does it taste kind of fake? >> I can't stand it. I don't care for sweet chocolate in the first place, but white chocolate is particularly off-putting to me. It barely tastes like chocolate at all.

13. Are you an automaton? >> Beep boop.

14. How would you react if you just found out your mom had an abortion before? >> She wanted one, incidentally. I wish my father didn't force her to have me.

15. Are your pets spayed/neutered? .

16. Don't you hate it when sites go under maintenance all the time? >> I would find that quite annoying.

17. Do you have polymastia (only the cool kids have been diagnosed with it)? >> I don't. I was born polydactyl, though.

18. Here's a good one: Do you know anybody who has a third nipple? >> I don't.

19. Ever seen a guy wear a kilt before? >> Many times. 20. Hottest guy you know and actually talk to? Hottest guy whose name you don't even know? .

21. Do you wear jeans that are boot cut, straight leg, flared, or what? >> Flares is my preferred style. I am so glad Old Navy still sells flares.

22. Are you expert at photoshop? >> I am not an expert at it.

23. Where do you buy your shoes? .

24. Have you ever seen the movie Selena, about the Mexican-American pop star? >> Long, long time ago. 25. When was the last time you had carrot cake? >> I don't remember, but now I want some. 26. Do you make sweet vids on your camera with your friends? . 27. Have you ever been to the Space Needle? >> I have not. 28. Can you sing the Peptol Bismol commercial jingle? >> I could.

29. Do you know any teenager guys who talk in a semi-high voice like they haven't even reached puberty yet? .

30. Are you feeling pretty complacent at the moment? >> I... don't think so?

31. Who all have you fallen in love with completely? .

32. Where will you be the most tomorrow? >> Home, although I will be going out for a couple of hours. 33. What's something you need to go shopping for in the near future? >> Groceries.

34. Do you have a shit ton of friends or just a select few best friends? >> Secret third thing. 35. What plans do you have for this coming weekend? >> Meetup group on Saturday.

36. What's something that you've been thinking about a lot recently? >> The agonies.

37. Can you say that you hate someone? >> I cannot say that.

38. What's something you really need to work on about yourself? .

39. Is there anything in your past you just don't talk about at all? >> I wouldn't say that. A lot of stuff just never comes up in conversation because it's pretty traumatic and/or unrelatable.

[crimeronan]

[gets six hours of sleep] why do i feel like i'm underwater. and also like i'm somehow gonna wander naked into traffic and die

[baoshan-sanren]

Chapter 34

of the wwx emperor au I’m thinking of calling -- you know what? I suck at titles. let’s just accept the fact that I’ll slap something vaguely poetic on this thing when it’s finished, and that it will probably have no relation to the actual fic

Prologue | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 Part 1 | Chapter 8 Part 2 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 Part 1 | Chapter 15 Part 2 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Chapter 18 | Chapter 19 | Chapter 20 | Chapter 21 | Chapter 22 Part 1 | Chapter 22 Part 2 | Chapter 23 | Chapter 24 | Chapter 25 | Chapter 26 | Chapter 27 | Chapter 28 | Chapter 29 | Chapter 30 | Chapter 31 | Chapter 32 | Chapter 33

About half-way to the Imperial guest chambers, it occurs to Wei Ying that he cannot simply knock on Lan Zhan’s door past midnight. 

Lan Zhan had asked him to use the door, and Wei Ying wants to use the door, but he cannot. It takes a few moments for his pleasantly drunk mind to reconcile itself with the whole not using the door thing. But he still wants to see Lan Zhan. He wants to see Lan Zhan pretty badly. He wants to apologize for being stupid, although, at this very moment, he is not exactly sure what he had been stupid about. Probably a lot of things.

He sighs.

He also needs to apologize for failing to protect Lan QiRen. Lan Zhan had clearly told him that he does not want his brother or his uncle being hurt. Wei Ying had sworn to protect them both to the best of his ability. It does not matter that Nie HuaiSang had made the decision to decrease Lan QiRen’s guard. Wei Ying had promised. Protecting Lan Qiren had been his responsibility.

The horror he had felt, when he saw the Peach Blossom Pavilion on fire, cannot be described. If Lan QiRen had been killed, after Wei Ying had sworn to protect him-- he does not think that Lan Zhan would have ever forgiven him.

Still standing, stupidly, in the middle of the hall leading to the Imperial guest chambers, Wei Ying thinks perhaps his mind is not in the best place at the moment. He should wait and speak to Lan Zhan in the morning. He should not be stumbling drunk around the Iron Palm Palace, as if looking for Madam Yu to corner him.

But he wants to see Lan Zhan.

He remembers the absolute fury with which Lan Zhan had turned on A-Sang, the wild look in his eyes, the white robes flaring in an arc, blade flashing. Against the backdrop of the fire, he had looked coldly savage; an ancient immortal, an avenging deity too terrible to be gazed upon by ordinary humans.  

In that moment, Wei Ying had been certain that Lan Zhan would not hesitate; that he would not let himself be restrained with such a simple gesture as his brother’s hand on his wrist. A-Sang would meet his end in that courtyard, and Lan Zhan would not stop there, but go on to carve a bloody path through every person in his sight, Wei Ying included.

The Peach Blossom Pavilion, its fragile old wood and intricately carved posts, dusty and forgotten, had stood for over a century, the Immortal Mountain City growing and spreading around its delicate shell. A legacy, left behind by the Immortal Empress, an arrogant girl who had thought herself so powerful that she had tried to rule over the cycle of life and death, nearly extinguishing the flame needed to form the Empire.

Her peach trees cannot be moved, altered, or destroyed. They are a lesson Wei Ying had been taught long before he understood what it meant.

But there is a much more subtle lesson in the Pavilion itself, a building even YanLing DaoRen could not bring himself to touch; the brittleness of family, home, comfort. How even the meanest creature will take time to burrow a hole in the dirt, then protect it with its last breath. The Immortal Empress had burrowed a hole next to her peach tree, then nearly given up her life to keep it intact.

Watching the Peach Blossom Pavilion be consumed by flames, used as a death trap for an honorable, righteous man, Wei Ying could not help but think that, if Lan Zhan had truly decided to kill them all, he would have been hard pressed to explain why they did not deserved it.

He leans against the hall arch, the stone cool and soothing against his skin. His mind is definitely not in the best place. But he still wants to see Lan Zhan.

Instead of heading towards the Imperial guest chambers, he turns to the door leading into his public study, a room he actively tries to avoid unless pressing business requires his presence. It is a bleak, cavernous space, where guilty men, often three times his age, would kneel on the marble floors, begging for their lives. He had not executed men often, even when they were indisputably guilty, but the few times he had were enough to make the space unbearable forever after.

There is one aspect of the study that Wei Ying does not hate, however, and it is the window hole leading out to the lower rooftop of the receiving hall. In the daylight, this particular portion of the roof is clearly visible from the entirety of the Iron Palm Palace courtyard. But during the night, it is a perfect starting point, no matter which part of the City he means to access. Some day, someone will realize that Wei Ying uses the tops of the courtyard walls as bridges to all of the surrounding palaces. The wall tops will be deemed a security breach, one that uncle Jiang will remedy without asking for his opinion, or his permission. But that day is not today, and Wei Ying has no intention of using the walls anyway.

The receiving hall roof curves to the east and west, winding around the palace, and Wei Ying counts window holes carefully, never having accessed the Imperial guest chambers in this manner before. It would just be his luck to drop into Lan XiChen’s chambers in error, or even worse, Lan QiRen’s.

He should not have worried. Long before he can be certain that he has counted correctly, he sees the flash of the white robes.

Lan Zhan had crawled out his window as well, and is sitting on the cold rooftop tile, the snow-white sleep robe pooling around him.

His hair is loose, a dark cape laid over the bright robe, and Wei Ying thinks he looks ethereal still, beautiful and aloof, not meant to be observed by lowly human beings.

Preoccupied by Lan Zhan, Wei Ying forgets that he is, in fact, more than a little drunk, and that he had forgotten to take his shoes off. The soles, not meant to grip the slick tiles, slide without a warning. He flails, nearly loosing his footing altogether.

By the time he has regained his balance, an act that was probably ridiculous to watch, Lan Zhan has noticed him and gotten to his feet. Wei Ying feels stupid, however, this has never stopped him before, so he crosses the last stretch of the roof anyway, but carefully now, minding his footing.

“Lan Zhan,” he says softly.

Lan Zhan studies him for a few moments, then lowers himself back down. Wei Ying takes this as a permission, and ungracefully sits next to him.

Something about the coolness of the night seems to magnify the scent of the sandalwood; it wraps around Wei Ying, smooth and warm, cutting through the chill of the north-western winds. He had come to apologize, but the right words seem to have abandoned him for the moment. Lan Zhan is perfectly still, a cold statue glowing brightly in the darkness. Wei Ying’s drunk tongue, unable to to properly ask for forgiveness, has nonetheless found a thousand poems at its disposal, each one attempting to give justice to Lan Zhan’s beauty, and each one falling short of the mark.

He does not regret coming to find Lan Zhan, but he does regret doing so with his mind less than perfectly clear.

Perhaps some other youth on some other rooftop can speak of marriage lightly, carelessly drunk on wine and beauty of the person beside them, knowing that the life they promise to share will be the one of comfort and safety. But the last few hours have made some truths starkly clear; Wei Ying has nothing to offer that does not come with its share of danger and grief. And Lan Zhan is no Nie HuaiSang, to find pleasure in the vicious court games, to smile politely while cutting with his words, to accept gifts with one hand while hiding a knife in the sleeve of the other.  

He remembers Lan QiRen’s admonishment clearly, and wonders, for the first time, if Lan Zhan could ever be happy, married to Wei Ying.

The silence has now stretched so long, that anything said out loud may carry more than one meaning. Lan Zhan does not look as if he intends to speak at all. Coldly beautiful he may be, but at this moment he is also oddly peaceful, his breaths deep and even, his eyes half-lidded, studying some mystical point in the distance that Wei Ying cannot see.

Silence has always been Wei Ying’s enemy.

It is Jiang Cheng’s anger, grown too vast for words. It is Nie HuaiSang’s hurt, caused by his carelessness. It is uncle Jiang’s disappointment, shijie’s grief, Wen Qing’s disapproval. Things unspoken have always wounded Wei Ying in a way that no spoken word ever has.

Because long before he had learned their silences, and all the ways in which they brought him pain, there had been the silence of the Six Fans Pavilion, never again graced with his father’s footsteps. The silence of his mother’s chambers, never again to echo her laughter.

Silence had always meant loss.

But now, sitting next to Lan Zhan, wrapped in hushed tranquility, he wonders if one person can change the nature of silence forever. If one person can have such power, to transform this thing he had always dreaded to something bearable and peaceful, something in which he may find contentment.

As if hearing his thoughts, Lan Zhan shifts, a smooth, soundless movement that brings him ever so slightly closer. In the next moment, Wei Ying feels a brush of cool skin against his hand. A finger hooks around his own, and this time, it does not tremble.

[lovemesomesurveys]

1 - Are you a fan of garlic bread? Do you eat it on its own or as part of a bigger meal? Yesss. I typically have it with spaghetti. 

2 - When was the last time your area was under some kind of weather warning? Did it end up being as bad as predicted? The closest thing was back during the summer when California was having really unhealthy air quality due to all the wildfires. 

3 - Do you ever buy things from charity/thrift shops? What was the last thing you bought from there? No.

4 - The last time you got fast food, did you eat in, takeaway or go through the drive-thru? My family and I get takeout often. We do drive-thru as well. Haven’t gone out to eat in awhile cause COVID, but even before then I prefer just getting food to eat at home.

5 - If you have multiple pets, do they get along with each other? I just have my one doggo. 

6 - Do you ever buy things off eBay? If you do, do you participate in auctions or do you just use the “buy it now” option? I’ve bought a few things, but I’ve never bid on anything.

7 - When you go out, do you worry that you’ve forgotten to lock the door or turn something off? I used to worry about that all the time when I was coming and going on my own everyday in college. I don’t go anywhere alone now, so it’s not a worry of mine anymore.

8 - What fruits and vegetables have you eaten so far today? Do you tend to get your “five a day”? Zero. Ha, noooo. Not even a little bit. I haven’t had any fruit in a few years to be completely honest. :X I eat spinach fairly often with my eggs, as well as green onions. And I love potatoes. But yeah, definitely not getting the recommended amount of fruits or veggies. 

9 - When was the last time you were in pain? What caused it and did you manage to get it sorted in the end? I have chronic back pain and get other pains as well. I’m on a pain regimen that helps, but there are days where I’m having a really bad flare up and my pain med doesn’t really help. 

10 - Do you live in an area that gets lots of snow? Do you like it? If not, would you like to live somewhere that gets that cold? It doesn’t snow where I live. I wish it did. I would totally love to live somewhere that snowed. 

11 - What was the reason for your last doctor/hospital visit? My month pain doctor appointment.

12 - If someone had told you that 2020 would see a global pandemic, countries going into lockdown, compulsory face masks and millions of deaths, would you have ever believed that you’d live through something like that? That would sound so unbelievable. I would be like no way, that would never happen. I definitely never thought we’d ever experience something like this. Learning about the plagues that happened in the past always sounded so horrifying and I was always like, we’ve come a long way since then that wouldn’t happen today. Welp...

13 - Do you prefer having the blinds/curtains open or closed when you’re at home? Does it depend on the weather or the time of day? I keep ‘em closed. 

14 - Do you use an ad-blocker on your computer or phone? Why/why not? Yeah, Macs come with that built in. I’ve never had that issue on my phone, so I guess they come with that as well?

15 - Do you still use a paper diary/planner to organise your appointments and schedules? No, I use the notes, reminders, and calendar apps on my phone for that kind of stuff.

16 - When was the last time you charged one of your electronic items? Do you have to charge that specific item often? I just finished charging my Beats wireless earphones. 

17 - Have you ever thrown or broken something in a temper? No.

18 - What does your outfit look like today? Did you pick it out for a special reason? I’m wearing gray leggings and a new Linkin Park shirt I got for Christmas. It’s for their 20th anniversary of Hybrid Theory. 

19 - Do you follow any vlogs or podcasts? What is it about them that interests you? I’m subscribed to a few vloggers. 

20 - Aside from Tumblr, what websites do you spend the most time on? Do you go through phases of visiting certain websites? YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook. Those, as well as Tumblr are my staples that I check all the time. There was a time where I was like obsessed with Pinterest for awhile, but I haven’t been on there in a few months. 

21 - Do you have a good relationship with your siblings? If you don’t have siblings, what about your cousins or extended family? Yeah. My younger brother and I are very close. My older brother and I don’t have a bad relationship or anything, it’s just different. 

22 - When was the last time you were up early enough to see the sunrise? I’m always up past the sunrise.

23 - What movie series did you last watch from start to finish? Was it one you’d seen before? I think it may have been Star Wars. I’ve seen them all. The Marvel movies are a close second. 

24 - Do you still enjoy watching children’s TV programmes? What was the last one you watched? I still watch Doug, Hey Arnold, and Rugrats sometimes.

25 - Who was the last person to tag you in something on social media? How do you know that person? She’s my mom.

26 - What was the last thing you took a photograph of? It was a selfie on Snapchat. 

27 - Are you a fan of giving animals human names? Yeah. My previous doggo was named Brandie. My doggo now is Leia. Princess Leia to be exact. My first two dogs had more typical dog names, though, such as Buster and Scruffy.

28 - When was the last time you weighed yourself? Were you happy with what the scale said? It’s been a few years. I’m too underweight. 

29 - How often do you buy yourself new clothes? What was the last clothing item you bought for yourself? Somewhat often. Boxlunch and Hot Topic get me with their cute stuff and sales. I gotta stop, I don’t have any more room for clothes. And I don’t go anywhere, I don’t need that much clothes lol.

30 - What is the reason behind your mood today? Is this something you could have done something about? I’ve only been up for a couple hours, so I’m just drinking my coffee and waking up still, ha. I take time.

[starblazerm31]

Get To Know Imalia

Answers from the Get to Know My Character list by @forsakenoathkeeper concerning my Arcana/Slayers OC Imalia Gabriev.  Things to know:

Imalia is NOT the apprentice from the Arcana storyline.  That is Azalea.

Imalia was Azalea’s original Master and mentor in the ways of magic.

Imalia has known Asra since he was 11.

Below the cut, since is really long! 18+, please!

01. What does your character’s name mean? Did you pick it for the symbolism, or did you just like the way it sounded?

Imalia doesn't have a meaning that I'm aware of, and actually, my boyfriend came up with it.  Imalia used to be named Lina because she is in a Slayers crossover fic.  She's the descendant of Lina Inverse, and she was originally named after that character.  My boyfriend thought she should have a more unique name, so he came up with Imalia.  "Mal" for short.

02. What is one of your character’s biggest insecurities? Are they able to hide it easily or can others easily exploit this weakness?

Imalia is insecure about what others would think if they knew she carried a nightmare goddess inside her.  Good luck trying to exploit it...Lon is good at turning situations to the absolute worst.  Asra and Azalea took it pretty well, so she seems to have nothing to worry about.  At the moment.

03. What would be their favorite physical trait about themselves?

Imalia loves her muscular arms.  Her way of using magic utilizes physical strength as well as willpower, so she's pretty built.  She loves flexing her biceps and watching others go wide-eyed.

04. What are their favorite traits about their lover? (one psychological and one physical)

Imalia adores Asra's curiosity.  He's like her, always looking for answers to impossible questions. (she would like to think that she had something to do with this trait of his, but she knows better).  As for physical, she loves that divot where Asra's neck meets his collarbone.  She kisses that spot hundreds of times each day.

05. Are they sexually confident or more of the shy type?

Imalia is extremely sexually confident.  She knows what she likes, and she knows how to make him cum.  The only question is exactly how out of breath does she want to leave him.

06. Do they have any hobbies that their lover finds unusual, odd, or otherwise annoying?

Asra isn't too keen on how Imalia likes to go raid bandit camps and rob them blind.  He finds it a bit rude.

07. Is there a catchphrase or sound that they tend to make a lot (likely without being aware of it)?

"Fuck this fucking fuckery."

08. What is, perhaps, their biggest flaw? Are they aware of this or oblivious to it?

Her biggest flaw is also her greatest strength.  Her overconfidence.  With her magic, she has to hold to "I think therefore I am."  If she thinks she can do it, she actually can do it.  But sometimes she can't.  And those are frightening times for her.  She is aware yet oblivious.  It's just who she is.  

09. Do they have a favorite season? What about a favorite holiday?

For the season, Imalia loves summer.  She loves the heat and the rain.  As for holiday...her favorite is any one where she can get drunk.

10. Is your character more feminine or masculine?

Masculine.  Her appearance is quite feminine, but her persona might as well be a boisterous man.  She treats Asra like a man would treat a woman, and he doesn't complain at all.  She makes him feel precious and wanted, protected and loved.  Respected and revered.  And he's completely comfortable letting her top him most of the time. ^_~

11. What is something that would make your character fly into a rage?

Say/do anything negative towards Asra or Azalea.  She will HARM you.

12. Is there some particular talent, skill, or attribute that they simply could not give up?

She could not live without her “Tea and Cookies” spell.  It's a summoning spell where she summons a platter of Orange Pekoe tea, shortbread cookies, and two cups.  The tea and cookies heighten clarity of thought.

13. What are your character’s sleeping habits? Heavy or light sleeper? Blanket stealer? One that always rolls onto the floor? Pushes their lover onto the floor? Sleep talker or walker?

Imalia sleeps like the dead, even though she's actually being tormented in her dreams.  At least she doesn't scream and thrash...damn Lon...

14. Do they live alone or with family? How do they feel about their family/roommates?

She lives in her estate with her servant Ben Du Vos and his daughter Avery.  She loves them as if they were her actual family since Ben has been serving her family since before she was born.  Avery is just cool as hell and very utilitarian.  Mal made Avery her personal assistant, and Avery became very good at acquiring hard to get reagents and ingredients.  Asra has been known to take advantage of this a time or two.  Avery doesn’t mind, especially if it means she will get to see Muriel.  x3 

15. Is there a certain person in this world that they cannot stand? The very mention of this person’s name makes them tremble with anger or fear.

Lucio.  Imalia and Lucio were a couple for three years, once upon a time.  It was the only time Imalia ever doubted every single thing she did.  Lucio had a bad habit of taking credit for everything amazing that Imalia did, and so she started to feel like part of the furniture.  So she left.  (In Lucio’s Route) When she learned that Lucio and Azalea were together, she thought she was going to go insane.  But he made Azalea happy, so she kept her venom at a minimum.  But she watched him like a hawk.

16. Is your character the athletic type or more of a couch potato? What are some sports/games that they like?

Athletic.  Imalia loves rock climbing, swimming, wrestling, competitive combat magic, and chess.  Yes, chess counts as a physical sport to her, because when she plays you have to do push-ups every time one of your pieces is taken.

17. Does your character have dreams of getting married and/or having children?

Perpetuating her family's bloodline is extremely important to Imalia, so of course, she wants to have children at the very least.  But when she and Asra finally got together, the dreams of marriage flared up like the sun.

18. What kind of home would they want to live in? Where would they place this abode?

She already has an amazing home.  Her estate is spacious, magically protected, and is situated far enough out of the city to where you can see the stars unhindered.  Plus she is near the people she loves most.

19. Would your character be the kind to get into fights? (physical or verbal) Would they be a good fighter or cave in rather easily?

Oh yes.  Imalia loves a good fight.  The more opponents, the better.  She is a superior combat mage, so she's going to win most of the time.

20. Does your character like animals? What are some of their favorite animals? Would they want pets? What about mythological creatures?

Imalia loves animals.  She is very partial to birds.  Her familiar is a phoenix named Balthazaar.  Balth is stubborn as hell, and he hates "burning day," the day he is supposed to die and rise from the ashes.  He will just draw it out, and start looking worse and worse each passing day.  You can usually hear Mal in her study yelling "Just die, Balth, you'll feel better afterward!!  Look, you're molting burning feathers all over my expensive maps!!"

21. What is one of your character’s biggest fears? How would they react when dealing with this fear?

She is afraid that Lon will go against their contract and kill not only Imalia, but her loved ones as well and trap them forever in her realm of torture.  She keeps this fear to herself because she really doesn't want to make her loved ones afraid of her.

22. What kind of tattoos, piercings, birthmarks, freckles, and other such unique physical features do they have?

Imalia is covered head to toe with invisible magical tattoos that flare up when she utilizes them.  They are various swirling designs and arcane symbols.  She has two visible magical tattoos, one on each hip.  One is her keys (a big honking keyring with around 20 keys on it), and the other is a jeweled Flask of Requirement (it makes any drink she needs.  It has actually made Lime Gatorade for her before; she HATES the taste but likes how it makes her feel better).  She touches the tats, and the object they display appears in her hand.  If she loses the object, it reappears on her skin within 24 hours.  Her basic vanity tattoo is her family crest on her left shoulder.  She has nine facial piercings.  Four rose gold studs over each eyebrow, and one rose gold labret piercing.  She also has pierced earlobes.  Each piece of jewelry she wears is enchanted.

23. What is your character like when it comes to school? What subjects are they good/bad at? Do they get in trouble a lot or are well behaved?

Imalia thrives at school.  She is a certified genius and teaches once a week at Prakra's Magical University.  She is well behaved for the most part, but very eccentric.

24. In their own words, how would your character describe what their lover is like?

"Asra is the star that always guided me, but was always too far out of reach.  Until one day it floated from the sky and landed in my adoring palm."

25. Is there something traumatic from your character’s past that greatly affects them even to this day?

Her father's death during the Red Plague.  She misses his advice and boundless love.  She misses his boisterous laugh and the loud sound of his footsteps throughout the estate.  She misses having him in her corner no matter what.

26. What is their lover like sexually? How do they feel about their lover’s quirks, needs, etc?

Asra is a switch and Imalia is totally fine with it.  She is mostly a dom herself, but when Asra just HAS to dom her, she is more than happy to oblige him.  Anything he needs, she will provide.  He needs to be pegged?  She will just magically grow a dick and give every inch to him.  He needs to be treated like a princess?  Well lay right down love, and let me get to work.  He needs to rail her from behind until she sees stars?  Let's go for this constellation!  He needs a slow long fuck that leaves him breathless?  How many times would you like to cum, darling?

27. If your character was going to get arrested, what would be the most likely reason for it?

Public disturbance, destruction of property, magical assault.  >:)  "What, officer, that guy was BEGGING me to blow up his store."

28. If your character became a celebrity, what would they be famous for?

Well...she kind of is a celebrity in her home country of Sairuun (Say-Roon).  She's a princess.  She's famous for that, as well as surviving a mass assassination attempt on her whole family (the whole reason she lives in Vesuvia and not Sairuun; her entire family minus her cousin and her parents were killed; got to make sure at least one survives).  But her main claim to fame in Sairuun is the fact that she can cast the exact same spells as her famous ancestor, Lina Inverse.  Once a year, during the Festival of Inverse, she casts a Dragon Slave for the whole kingdom to watch.  From the safety of a mountain.

29. What is one of the most courageous things your character has ever done for a loved one?

She allowed herself to be possessed by the Lord of Nightmares in order to save the life of her cousin, Queen Dreen Suval of Sairuun.  Dreen had been possessed by the remnants of Dark Star, a horrid monster of god-like power.  The only thing that could defeat him was his creator, the Lord of Nightmares.  Imalia called upon Lon to save Dreen, and Lon decided to take up permanent residence inside Imalia until Lon could create a new body for herself.  The mother of all monsters lives in Mal because Mal couldn't let her cousin be destroyed.

30. When it comes to the arts (music, film, theater, etc), what does your character like?

Imalia LOVES music.  She loves to tour Vesuvia and find all of the street performers.  She and Asra have had some of the best dances to the music of the streets.

31. Would your character be the kind capable of killing? Would they enjoy killing or only use it when necessary or, perhaps, refuse to kill no matter what?

Not even going to lie.  Mal is a killer.  She kills, and doesn't feel bad for it.  She won't kill needlessly, but if the person/thing has done some horrible stuff...bitch misused their gift of life and has to die.

32. If your character’s lover offered to take them out on a dream date, what would they want to do?

Go to the library in Sairuun and spend all day perusing the tomes.

33. If your character wanted to be alone, where would they go?

Imalia can teleport anywhere she wants to within a specific distance, and she has a portal to take her anywhere farther.  If she needs to be alone, she will usually go to the seaside of Vesuvia, outside of the city.

34. Does your character have favorite foods? (breakfast, lunch, dinner, dessert, snacks, etc)

She loves hot pot.  A big ol sizzling bowl full of seafood and savory vegetables.

35. Is your character afraid of death? If they got to choose how to die, how would they want to go?

Imalia definitely doesn't want to die.  But if she has to, she would want it to mean something.  Save someone she loves.  Make a change.  Tear a hole in the fabric of reality.  Anything that would scream "I WAS HERE, DAMMIT AND I DID WELL!"

36. Does your character have any medical conditions? Are they serious or minor? Do they affect their day to day life?

Not really, but whenever she uses Lon's power she ends up vomiting charcoal for a little while since her power literally burns Mal up from the inside out.  However, she won't die from it, since Lon would die with her.

37. What are some of your character’s pet peeves? What are some things that annoy them or disgust them?

She HATES controlling parents.  If she sees a parent helicoptering their child, she will either scream them deaf or storm from the room.

38. What kind of weather does your character like? Cloudy skies, rainy days, sunshine, etc?

A rainy day followed by glorious sunlight.  She can really feel the sun giving her power on those days.

39. When people look at your character, is there some assumption they might make about them just by appearance? Is that assumption correct?

She looks mischevious.  Yes.  She very much is.

40. Does your OC have any guilty pleasures they enjoy? Hobbies, past times, music, etc that they wouldn’t want known by others?

She actually loves to dress up for parties and balls.  She knows she has a great body and she does like to flaunt it.

41. Does your character’s family affect your character in any way?

YES.  Mal's mother Narsa was a tiger mom and outright abused Mal when she was young.  To Narsa, Mal's one duty was to marry someone important.  She didn't need any other goal than that.  If Mal couldn't sit still or carry herself exactly the way Narsa wanted, Narsa would strike Mal's fingers with a reed.  She broke Mal's fingers several times, and Mal did require magical surgery to correct improper bone healing in her hands.  As a result, Imalia didn't have any real self-confidence for a long while.  And Mal's father didn't help since he bowed to the whims of his wife.  Dating Lucio had been just to please her mother, and after that ended Mal finally told her mother off and left to pursue her own dreams of attending Prakra's University.  Mal's father and mother divorced shortly after that.

42. Is there anything in your character’s past that they regret, haunts them, or they wish they could change?

She wishes she could have stopped the Plague before it took hold in Vesuvia.  Losing both her father and Azalea tore her heart apart.  Even after Asra brought Azalea back, Imalia still regretted her father's passing and will apologize to his portrait randomly.

43. Does your character have a switch that changes aspects of their personality whether they are around friends, family, etc. Is there someone who gets to see their true self?

When visiting her cousin Dreen in Sairuun, Imalia tends to be prim and proper, very diplomatic.  When the two of them are alone, they throw all pretention to the wind and curse and drink and smoke and imbibe...substances.  Dreen is her oldest and dearest friend, and Imalia is so glad that they are also related.  However, her true vulnerable self is only seen by Azalea.  The part of her that questions herself and where she is going in life.  The part that misses and loves so deeply that it hurts.  Azalea is Imalia's soul mate, even though they aren't romantically involved.

44. Is there a particular event that would emotionally devastate your character?

If Azalea were to die again.  Imalia would not be able to handle it.  She would seclude herself from everyone and swear off all magic forever.

45. Is your character the kind to hide their true emotions or do they wear their heart on their sleeve?

Imalia hides her true feelings.  When she realized that she was in love with Asra, she kept it locked up tight inside.  She's good at putting on a front and will suffer the consequences indefinitely.  True feelings give others power over you, and since she has a fucking nightmare goddess inside her, that would be devastating.  But she will eventually come to terms with her feelings and express them.

46. What is some random affectionate thing that your character always does to their lover?

Whenever she passes Asra, she will trail a finger down the center of his back.  She loves how it gives him goosebumps every single time.

47. Is your character outgoing? Would they be the leader of the friend group, or the quiet one that gets dragged along?

She's the leader, no mistake.  She's the one doing the dragging and the one that everyone looks to when shit turns south.

48. Is there anything in particular that would ignite your character’s jealousy? Or does your character not get envious?

If Lucio ogled Asra.  She would get right in Lucio's face and hiss "You want to keep those eyes, goat boy?"  Other than that, she's not jealous.  Asra loves her and that is enough.

49. What is something that your character has nightmares about? Are these frequent? Do they heavily affect your character’s mood?

Every time Imalia sleeps she has the worst nightmares due to Lon.  Lon can't control Imalia in any way, as per the terms of their contract.  However Imalia's sleep is Lon's playground, and she does every cruel and horrendous thing you can think of to her.  Yes, even that.

50. If your character confessed love to their crush, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc, what would they say?

"Asra, you are my starlit sky, my fresh Spring rain, my guiding light.  Without you, my heart aches so much I can't bear it.  You calm my mind, refresh my energy, and stay my hand when it wishes to strike.  I love you.  I love you SO. DAMN. MUCH."

[thewritewolf]

Rekindle Chapter 17: Rooftop Save

Marinette meets Emilie Agreste. 

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30  31

@marichatmay​

Enjoy!

Read on Ao3

Marinette’s mind was racing as she stood in front of a beautiful middle aged woman clearly visible through the glass of her… life support? Sarcophagus? Who knows. Her eyes lingered on the preserved rose attached to her lapel. Was Emilie Agreste just a pressed flower, preserved against the encroachment of time?

Emilie Agreste. Adrien rarely opened up about her during all the years she had known him. Rarely, she had caught sight of a few pictures, saw her briefly on the movie screen. But she had never met her, never heard her voice. To Marinette, she had just been a ghost that she had known only through Adrien’s fond words.

And yet… Emilie Agreste had been alive all this time. Locked away and hidden beneath the Agreste manor, waiting for the moment Hawkmoth succeeded in his goal to bring her back. But now Hawkmoth had been defeated for good and from what Adrien was saying, she was running out of time. It broke her heart, but she was wary. Now that Adrien was aware of what his father was doing, would he try and continue Hawkmoth’s work?

Adrien was fiddling with the controls to the machine. Despite his lack of understanding, he was moving dexterously and with a purpose. Occasionally he glanced up at his sleeping mother and his expression would become clouded - in regret or anticipation, she didn’t know.

Several minute passes with only the sounds of his tinkering filling the silence before she decided to speak. “Adrien…?” He grunted. “What are you doing?”

He stopped what he was doing to turn back at her in confusion. “I’m waking her up,” he said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

She considered not saying anything after that, but decided that getting to the point might be better. “You told me she can’t live for long outside of that thing, right?” He froze and stood there in silence for long heartbeats before going back to pushing buttons again.

In a quiet voice he replied, “I know.”

“What are you going to do when she is awake? We can’t do anything for her.”

“Well, we can, but…” He gave out a long, rattling sigh. “...But helping her would kill someone else. Right?” At her nod, he continued. “So she’ll die. It’ll be like nothing has changed.”

Marinette had been talking with Chat for long enough to know when he was trying to act detached. Despite how calmly he was talking, she could feel the roiling tension beneath the surface. She stepped behind him to wrap her arms around his waist, burying her face into his back.

“I’m so sorry, kitty.” His hands squeezed hers and they stood there unmoving for a few minutes before he began to chuckle. She let go reluctantly to stand at his side, watching him carefully.

He saw her look and coughed awkwardly. “Sorry. It’s just… lately, with the anniversary and everything coming up… I’d been thinking about her more.” He flashed her a sad smile and added, “I had been wishing that she could have met you at least once.” His smile faded and his eyes became downcast again. “I guess I got my wish after all. But at what cost?”

“All we can do now is make the most of it.” She watched him findle with the controls some more. “Do you actually know how to work that?”

“Not exactly. Nooroo told me a little, but the only one who would know for sure is Hawkmoth and… I don’t think he’d approve of this. Besides, I think I’m almost…” There was a hissing sound and flaring lights as the lid covering Emilie started to come off. Utterly entranced with the spectacle, Adrien ended with a whisper, “...Done.”

For a long moment, nothing happened and she continued to lay motionless. Marinette was just about to reach out to Adrien when Emilie’s eyes fluttered. A hand went to her forehead and a pained expression crossed her face as she began to pull herself out. In an instant, Adrien was by her side and helping her out, keeping her steady as she got to her feet.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” came the bright voice, “I seem to be… a little…” Her vibrant green eyes,went from being unfocused to wide and alert as she stared at who was helping her. Her voice was barely above a whisper, panicked and reverent in equal measure, “...Adrien?”

There were tears in eyes that were so like her own as he replied, “It’s me, mom. Its been… so long.” Despite the tears running freely down both of their faces, he smiled. “There’s a lot we need to catch up on.”

-------------------------

Emilie, Marinette was learning, is a remarkably adaptable woman. The news of her husband’s transgressions, her own impending death, and being held in stasis for ten years were all taken in stride. Adrien by way of Nooroo had estimated that they would have two hours and it had only taken maybe half an hour to get all of that out of the way.

As they sipped coffee in the dining room, Marinette listened to them talk. It felt like she shouldn’t be here, like she was an intruder on this very personal moment. This was an emotional reunion between mother and son. What right did she have to be there? Maybe she should just-

“I don’t think you’ve introduced us yet, sweetheart.” Emilie turned her full attention on Marinette, resting her chin upon her steepled fingers.

Grinning, Adrien wrapped an arm around Marinette and pulled her closer. “This is Marinette Dupain-Cheng! She is the kindest, bravest, and most talented person I’ve ever met.”

Which began a round of Adrien talking her up, listing all her accomplishments, big and small, while Marinette’s blush steadily threatened to take over her entire face. To her surprise, he even talked about the milestones that had happened while they had been out of touch. Which set to rest the idea that he had ever been avoiding her. Had they really just been idiots for all these years? Once she finally stopped staring dumbstruck at Adrien, she glanced over at Emilie and realized that she was looking right back at her. There was a pleased smile on her face and she gave a quick wink to Marinette before turning her attention back to Adrien’s rambling.

After a few more minutes, Emilie cut in to say, “Sunshine, could you get us a refill from the kitchen, please?”

“Of course!” Adrien disappeared through the large double doors leading to the kitchen.

“He’s grown up to be such a kind young man. I was worried, leaving him with just Gabriel.” She smiled ruefully.

“I think we have you to thank for that, Mrs. Agreste.”

“Heaven knows I tried, but…” She took Marinette’s hand. “...I don’t think he would have made it this far by himself. Whether you know it or not, he’s better because of you.” A few moments passed with that small contact before she pulled away and frowned at the door he disappeared through. “There isn’t anyone left. He’s alone now.”

The polite smile Marinette had been wearing evaporated. Her voice was barely above a whisper. “I know.”

“Can you… watch out for him… please?” Emilie put a hand to her temple, brows furrowed.

“Are you alright?” She leapt from her seat when Emilie collapsed off of hers. “Adrien!”

While Marinette was crouched over her, Emilie croaked out, “Please. Promise me, you’ll watch out for him.”

The door flew open as Marinette replied, “He's in good hands. I promise.”

----------------------------

It is strange, how quickly two hours can pass and yet the rest of a day can drag on forever. They’d startled the poor guard watching the Agreste manor half to death, but Adrien had wanted to be sure there was a proper burial this time. He hadn’t wanted his mother to languish in the manor any longer than she had already. They’d gone home and just found ways to avoid talking about what was really on their minds until the sun was down. Then they’d gone to bed, too drained to dream.

Marinette woke up at midnight thanks to a chill coming in from the partially open window. Even if she hadn’t felt his absence in the bed beside her, she would have know he wasn’t there. On the nightstand, the little kwami bed she’d made for the two of them was occupied solely by Tikki, who was peacefully dozing. After putting on her warmest robe, she open the window fully and climbed up the fire escape to the roof of her apartment.

Just as she suspected, he was sitting there, blonde hair gently tousled by the breeze. He was looking out over the city with a distant stare, his mind clearly somewhere else. She saw his cat ears twitch as she sat down beside him and curled up against him. A strong breeze made her shiver and Chat finally reacted, pulling her onto his lap and wrapped his arms around her. She nestled herself into the crook of his neck as he settled his chin on her head.

“You should’ve stayed inside, Mari.”

“And leave my kitty out in the cold? Never.”

“This kitty is used to the cold.”

“Doesn’t mean that you need to stay out in it.”

There was a long silence following her words before he spoke again.

“I should probably feel bitter or sad or something right now, shouldn’t I?” She didn’t reply, sensing that he needed to talk this out himself. “But the truth is, I did all my mourning already. If anything, I feel… complete now. Like, I have closure, I know what happened to her. She didn’t abandon us. When she…” He swallowed heavily and started again. “When she passed, I was there for her.”

“But…?”

“Now I’m orphan. Sure, Gabriel is alive, but he might as well not be. Hawkmoth is going to jail for a long time - which is good!” He quickly added. “He deserves it for all the people he’s hurt. But I don’t really have any other family. Excluding mom’s…” he took another deep, steadying breath, “...first funeral, I haven’t really seen any of them since I was a kid.”

“Maybe… but that’s what it was like before, right? Gabriel wasn’t exactly father of the year before his reveal.”

He chuckled. “You got me there. But I also wasn’t in the best place then either. I don’t have many friends, and with Alya and Nino out of country so often, I’m alone most of the time.”

She pulled back enough to look him in the eye and cocked an eyebrow at him. “What about me?”

He rubbed the back of his neck and she was surprised to see a blush peeking out from underneath his mask. “That’s… I wanted to talk with you about that, actually.”

Fighting down the fluttering butterflies in her stomach, she replied, “...Alright. What is there to talk about?”

“I’m so sorry.” He hunched his shoulders and looked down at the ground. “I… I was too much of a coward to keep our friendship alive after school. I just… I thought…” His cat ears flattened on his head. “...I thought you wouldn’t want to see me again after that rejection.”

“Chat… Adrien… I understand. Confessing at graduation wasn’t my best decision, but I just… it suddenly hit me that it might be the last time I would ever get to see you. I wanted you to know how I felt. How I still feel.”

“So… you forgive me?”

She laughed. “Only if you forgive me for rejecting you as Ladybug.”

“How can I refuse such a sweet deal?” He grinned at her in his usual cocky way, just like his old self again, before the nervousness crept back in. “So… where does that leave us then?”

“Where do you want it to leave us?” She looked into his eyes, watching carefully as she waited for his answer.

“I think,” he took her hand in his and gently rubbed his thumb across the back of it, “I want to stay with you.” His gaze flickered to hers. “If that’s alright with you?”

She leaned in towards his face slowly, hesitating at the last moment before he closed the remaining space between them. They shared a tender kiss in the moonlight. She whispered against his lips as they began to pull away, “Sounds perfect to me.”

[bromfieldhall]

101 Days of Captain Swan - Day 50 - CS Fanfic

Read from the beginning on FF.Net or AO3 or

Day 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49,

For @deathbycaptainswan and Guest

My thanks to @csmarchmadness for getting me to write something after nearly two years! Hope you all like it.

011:"May I have this dance?"

“Stop fidgeting, little brother, or do you wish everyone in the room to suspect that this is your first time attending a royal ball?”

“Do not call me little brother,” Killian countered irritably. “And I’m not a bloody child, Liam – I don’t fidget, especially at the prospect of some dancing, royal or not.”

In blatant contradiction of his claim, Killian tugged his pristine white vest down a little then adjusted his blue naval jacket. Twice.

“Maybe it’s the prospect of seeing your mystery woman again that has you preening yourself then?” his brother suggested in obvious amusement.

Killian’s head snapped around at that remark and Liam was quite certain that if looks could kill, he would be well and truly dead.

“I knew I would regret telling you,” the younger man muttered in annoyance. He looked away and scanned the near to full ballroom. “Not that it matters. The lady is clearly not coming.”

Liam frowned at his brother’s pessimism and placed a hand on his shoulder, causing the younger man to turn back to him.

“Come now, the Princess has yet to be announced and they’ll only do that when everyone has arrived. So until then, there is still hope. Right, brother?”

Killian gazed at him a moment then finally smiled a little and gave a curt nod.

“Aye. I suppose you’re right.”

“And if she doesn’t come, well then, there are many other women here who are very pleasing to the eye, are there not?” the older man continued helpfully.

Killian’s mouth tightened at that, but he kept his smile in place. How could he possibly explain to Liam that he had no interest in looking at anyone other than her when he couldn’t even explain it to himself?

When they’d docked that morning, he’d had no idea that his world would be turned upside down a mere few hours later.

Having finally scraped together enough money for commissions in the navy, he and Liam had worked tirelessly through the ranks. And now, here they were, on their first assignment as captain and lieutenant respectively. They had put into port to replenish supplies and had discovered that the princess of the realm was having a ball to celebrate her twenty first birthday. Naturally, Liam had taken the opportunity to attend the palace and offer a token of respect in the name of their King. Diplomacy was always one of his strong points and he knew it might pave the way for any alliances in the future should their own realm ever need it.

The princess had been with her parents when he’d been granted an audience that morning and presented the gift of fine perfume blended from sweetly fragrant flowers found only in their realm. She’d been so delighted with it, that she had invited him and his officers to her ball that evening.

Unfortunately, his news hadn’t been met with much enthusiasm from his brother. Killian had protested at what he saw as wasting time with ‘frivolities’ when they should be continuing with their mission.

With Liam being stubborn in his decision, however, he’d pulled rank and Killian had been forced to concede. Unhappy with his lot, he’d requested some time ashore through gritted teeth and had stalked off the moment his brother had nodded his assent.

The town had been a surprisingly bustling place, certainly larger than he’d expected. There was many a pedlar selling their wares, but there had been one in particular, set a little apart from the others, that had really caught his eye.

Flowers had adorned the seller’s stall, those clearly being the main source of income, and to the side there was a small table upon which sat a neatly laid out selection of books.

Eagerly, he’d walked over, only to feel a dart of disappointment when he’d seen that they’d made up a makeshift library of sorts. With a long voyage ahead of him, he’d hoped that he could have purchased a book to keep him entertained during the rare times he was off duty.

Still, as he’d perused the titles, he’d found himself drawn to one with a piratical theme in spite of himself.

“Do you want to borrow that?”

He’d looked up at the softly spoken question and felt his heart miss a beat at the vision before him. Simply dressed though she was, the young woman’s beauty was beyond compare. Long golden hair, softly curving lips, high cheekbones and green eyes that, he’d belatedly realised, gazed expectantly back at him as she’d waited for a reply.

“Uh...no...thank you,” he’d stuttered awkwardly and shut the book with a snap before placing it back on the table.

“Are you sure?” she’d pressed in faint amusement. “You’ve been reading it for the past ten minutes. Surely you must want to know how it ends?”

“Aye, Milady, I do,” he’d admitted with a rueful smile - and a fair blush if the heat he’d felt in his cheeks was anything to go by. “But I’m sailing on the early tide in the morning and our voyage is a long one. Much longer than the time you’d allow for me to borrow that book, I’d wager.”

“Oh, what a pity,” she’d stated, moving a couple of steps closer to him, a faint frown marring her features.

“That I won’t know how it ends – or that I’m sailing tomorrow?” he’d countered without thinking.

She’d raised a brow at his bluntness and he’d almost taken the words back in a stuttering apology. He’d never been so forward with a lady before - but it seemed that he hadn’t offended as he’d feared because she’d suddenly let out a delighted laugh.

“I think before I answer that, I should at least know your name.”

He’d given it gladly and now, as he stood in the ballroom, thinking back over the rest of the afternoon, the realisation that she’d never actually revealed her own was more frustrating than ever.

Frowning a little, he refused a glass of wine that a passing servant paused to offer and glanced around the crowded hall, searching out the woman he was dearly hoping to see again. It’d only been when he’d spoken of his encounter to Liam that it’d hit him how skillfully she’d managed to avoid answering anything remotely personal about herself.

“Sensible woman,” his brother had teased with a chuckle.

Now, as Killian scanned the faces of the ever growing throng of people, he couldn’t help wonder if maybe Liam was right. Increasingly it was becoming clear that, enchanted though he had been of her, her failure to appear meant that she obviously hadn’t been quite so enamoured of him.

Her lack of revealing anything about herself should have been a clue, he realised grimly.

And yet...it was she that had made a point of asking what he was doing that evening.

He knew he hadn’t imagined her look of disappointment, fleeting though it was, when he’d admitted that he had a prior engagement at the ball.

“Personally I think it a waste of time,” he’d told her, even more annoyed than before that duty dictated he attend when he’d rather have tried to arrange to meet with her again.

“The ball or the princess?” she’d queried wryly, a gleam of sudden amusement dancing in her eyes as she’d echoed his earlier retort.

He should have asked for her name then. Instead, he’d muttered an aggrieved, “Both. I do not like to dance and have no desire in pandering to a lady I have not even met, royalty and diplomacy be hanged!”

A silence had met his outburst but when he’d looked back up at her, much to his chagrin, she’d been openly grinning at him. Consternation had turned to delight though, when she’d revealed that the entire town had been invited too.

“So you’ll be there tonight?” he’d clarified, the evening taking on a more appealing light,

“Only if you promise to dance with me,” she’d replied, that mischievous glint back in her eyes.

Despite his assertion of not liking it only moments earlier, he’d agreed at once, fairly certain that he could have been persuaded to do just about anything as far as the lady in front of him was concerned.

And yet here he was and she...she was nowhere to be seen.

The noisy chatter of the crowd suddenly faded to silence around him and Killian’s stomach fell as he realised what that meant.

The princess had arrived.

His brother shifted at his side and he gave him a cursory glance. A small smile conveyed Liam’s commiseration and Killian looked away. The disappointment was acute. So much so that he barely even registered the lofty announcement of, “Princess Emma of Misthaven,” that rang out around the ballroom.

Head bowed, he inwardly cursed his own idiocy for having believed that they’d shared some kind of instant connection. A mutual flare of feeling that couldn’t be denied. What the hell had he been thinking? This wasn’t some fairytale, this was real life. His life. That simple fact alone should have been enough to remind him that it was never going to end in his favour.

He was so caught up in his own personal torment that it took him a few seconds to register the sharp, urgent nudge to his side where Liam had elbowed him none too lightly.

“Killian,” he growled out the corner of his mouth in low warning.

His head snapped up and he shot his brother a glare.

“What the…,” he began angrily.

“May I have this dance, Lieutenant?” cut in a warm female voice suddenly.

Abruptly, all his anger evaporated as he swallowed hard and turned his head to behold the vision in front of him. Heart pounding, his mouth fell open in surprise.

It was her.

And she was a princess?

He blinked.

Liam cleared his throat...loudly.

Emma’s hopeful smile began to waver…

Finally gathering his wits, he quickly stepped forward and gave a courteous bow then took her proffered hand. A hand that he’d kissed so fervently not four hours ago when he’d taken his leave of her to go back to the ship. His lips began to tingle just at the thought of it and he’d known by the flush on her face that she’d been just as affected by the normally perfunctory gesture as he.

“It would be my honour, Your Royal Highness,” he accepted formally.

As he escorted her out into the middle of the room, the other guests moved out of their way, allowing them space. Killian didn’t even notice. His entire focus was on the beauty that he held in his arms. In her stunning red ballgown and with her long, blonde hair swept up into a smooth chignon, she simply took his breath away.  

The first strains of violins filled the air and they began to move.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you who I was this afternoon,” she apologised softly after they’d danced in silence for far longer than she’d liked. After his initial surprise, he’d schooled his features into a polite deference as was the norm when it came to her rank and she had no clue as to whether he was angry, happy or simply uncaring about her deception. She needed to know. “It was nice just being me for a short while and you were so easy to talk to, Killian. Easier than it’s ever been with anyone else and I thought that you...that we…,” she broke off and shrugged helplessly before adding, “I didn’t want that to change just because of a title.” She stared at him, trying to find a flicker of some emotion that would tell her either way a little of what he was feeling. “Has it?” she asked barely above a whisper.

Seeing the uncertainty that lurked in her eyes as she looked up at him, he frowned slightly. It dawned on him then that she’d misconstrued his dazed silence as some kind of detriment to herself. In truth, he’d been finding hard to find the words to convey how he was feeling. She was here, with him, that was all that mattered. And crazy though it was, because they barely knew each other, from what he’d gleaned from her hesitant words, she must have felt that same connection from the very first as he had.

He pulled her a little closer, not enough to be disrespectful to her position but enough that she knew that nothing had changed.

“How can I possibly in good conscience condemn you for not telling the whole truth when I am guilty of the exact same thing myself?” he told her in a wry tone.

“You?” she queried, her eyes widening a little in surprise.

“Aye, me,” he confirmed with a nod. “You may remember that I told you that I didn’t like to dance,” he continued, mirth threading his low tone as he suddenly grinned down at her, “Well, I find that dancing with you makes a complete liar out of me.”

Emma stared at him a moment then let out a delighted laugh.

“So this evening hasn’t been as much of a chore as you thought it was going to be then?”

“Not even remotely,” he assured her as the music, and their dance, came to an end.

“Will you save me a second dance, Lieutenant?” she asked as he straightened from the customary bow that finalised all dances.

“Aye, Your Highness,” he replied with a nod. “Gladly.”

As it turned out, Killian ‘saved’ her a further four dances in total and when the night came to an end, Emma asked him to accompany her to the library before he left.

“I have something for you,” she told him, running her finger along the spines of a row of books, searching out a particular volume. “Here!” Turning to him with a triumphant grin, she held out a small, familiar looking novel to him. “I thought you might want to finish it.”

Killian reached for the book, his heart skipping a beat as his fingers brushed lightly against hers. Glancing at the title, he saw that it was the one he’d been reading that afternoon. Touched at her thoughtfulness, he looked up at her with a soft smile and took an involuntary step closer to where she stood.

“Thank you, Your Highness, I shall treasure it always.”

“Emma,” she corrected him, also moving closer, “You can call me, Emma, and it wasn’t a gift, Killian, I expect you to return it to me after your voyage.” Another step brought her almost toe to toe with him and she reached out to clasp his free hand before adding a little breathlessly, “In person.”

This time his heart started to race. There was no mistaking what she was telling him and even if he were unsure, just one look into her eyes told him more than any words ever could exactly how she felt.

“Are you...sure that you’re willing to wait that long?” he asked huskily.

“I am. I will,” she promised then leaned toward him, face upturned, mouth slightly parted in mute invitation.

Without hesitation, he bent to place his lips on hers. Gently at first, their kiss soon deepened, the book falling from his hand as he drew her into his arms pulling her flush against him. They were both breathing heavily by the time they parted, the strength of their passion evident in the flush of their cheeks and the way they swayed together, foreheads touching.

Killian forced himself to let her go and take a step back. He had to leave, though it pained him to do so. How could it be that he’d fallen in love with this woman so quickly? Because he knew without a shadow of a doubt, that he had.

Irrevocably.

Completely.

“I have to go,” he told her regretfully before stooping to pick up the book.

She nodded, tears shimmering in her eyes.

“Stay safe, Killian.”

Unable to go without one last kiss, he grasped her hand and tugged her towards him gently.  It was lingering and sweet and when he pulled back he assured her intently, “I will come back to you, Emma, and not just because of this book.”

He turned and left then. One more moment in her presence and he was afraid that he wouldn’t have it in him to leave at all.

Liam was waiting for him at the palace gates and together they took a carriage to the docks. They rode in silence, although Killian felt his brother’s curious gaze upon him more than once, but it wasn’t until they were back aboard ship that he finally asked him about Emma.

“Do you love her?” Liam queried once he’d finished speaking.

“Aye, I do,” Killian answered with a certainty that made his brother smile.

“Let us make sure that you return that book in a timely fashion then,” Liam stated with purpose.

Eight months later, Killian exited the private chambers of the King and Queen of Misthaven with the treasured book in one hand, his other resting lightly upon the hilt of his sword. Dressed entirely in black, he was no longer a part of the navy to which he’d once so longed to belong. 

Their mission had been a spectacular failure, one that had nearly cost Liam his life. Thankfully, Killian had realised that the magical plant they were supposed to bring home to their King was, in fact, deadly. One of their crew members had accidentally cut themselves on it only moments before Liam had reached out to grab some himself.

As he saw the black toxin spreading rapidly through the man’s veins, he’d ran and knocked Liam down before the same thing could happen to him. It had been a near miss and when the brothers had spoken of it afterwards, they’d both agreed that they could not continue to be loyal to a man that would use such an evil poison against his enemies.

That very day they’d commandeered the ‘Jewel of the Realm’, spoken to their crew and had tossed aside their uniforms forever. Any man that didn’t wish to join them were put ashore at the next port and then they’d began the journey back to Misthaven.

Once there, they’d immediately sent word to the castle, requesting an urgent audience with the King and Queen. Free agents now that they were, they’d offered to serve as privateers to the realm and pledge allegiance to Misthaven.

The royals had agreed and asked them to return the next day to sign appropriate papers. The brothers had bowed reverently, then Queen Snow had addressed Killian directly.

“I suspect there is also another reason for your visit today, Mr Jones,” she remarked, gazing pointedly at the book he held and then back to his lightly reddening face.

“Aye, Your Majesty,” he confessed, plucking self consciously at his shirt and standing up a little straighter.  “I would like permission to speak with your daughter. She kindly leant me her book and asked that I return it. Personally.”

“Emma has spoken of it to me frequently over the past few months,” she revealed in wry amusement. ��I believe she is quite desperate to see her book again and know that it is safe, so you’d better make haste to the gardens. She was heading towards the blue arbor near the great oak when I saw her last.”

“Thank you, Your Majesty,” he replied, bowing low again before shooting a triumphant grin at Liam then turning and almost running out of the room.

She hadn’t forgotten him...

The sun burned bright in the sky as he hurried out into the gardens. He saw a tall oak tree in the distance and headed purposefully in its direction. As he got closer, he could see Emma sitting with her back to him, a soft breeze gently lifting the tendrils of her golden locks as she stared out across the rolling hills that lay beyond the palace walls. Grass underfoot deadened the sound of his footsteps and he was able to approach unannounced. A few feet from the arbor he stopped and simply stared at her for a moment, drinking in the sight of the woman that was so dear to his heart.

“I’ve brought your book back, Your Highness,” he finally said, unable to conceal the slight unsteadiness of his voice.

He saw her stiffen then she turned and stood up abruptly, staring at him with such hope and such dawning joy. Such...love.

“Emma,” she reminded him softly, a solitary tear tracking slowly down her cheek, “You can call me, Emma.”

“Emma,” he murmured huskily and then she was in his arms.

He didn’t know who had moved first, he didn’t care. They hugged each other tightly, then shared kiss after kiss after kiss, whispering words of love and promises of a future together.

They were married two months later and the Best Man was pleased to note that during the ceremony, his little brother didn’t fidget once.

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The Sex Contract - Chapter 17

Genre: friends to lovers au / friends with benefits / mature content / romance / angst

Characters: Shim Changmin x Kaia Ashton (OC)

A/N: Due to the overwhelming request I have followed your encouragement to bring back one of my older stories. This was back in a time where OCs were everything and writing one chapter in each main’s point of view was the trend. I hope that even though I have edited this drastically, that you can appreciate this story comes from my older style of writing. I definitely still read this often and find it enjoyable so I hope you will too.

Prologue | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 - FINAL

Chapter 17 – Changmin’s POV.

 He glanced at the clock again and sighed heavily, getting up from his seat on the couch to go over to the front door. Peering at the small CCTV screen that showed Changmin the view of the foyer, he sighed again at the lack of movement outside. She was late home.

It had been three days since Kaia had bothered to follow their schedule, and apart from a few brief conversations, Changmin had barely seen enough of the British girl. He was experiencing several strong emotions, concern outweighing his annoyance and one that he couldn’t quite put his finger on. All Changmin wanted was his best friend to come back and spend the trip to Japan together like planned. Instead, Kaia was always with her new friend Jay and his friends. She assured him that she was safe with them. Changmin couldn’t exactly argue with her, she was an adult. But he was still worried; he hadn’t even met the man, let alone understand how she could trust in a stranger in the middle of Tokyo. Kaia had some seriously loose trust issues, he decided.

“You know you hovering by that door isn’t going to bring her home,” Yunho calmly called out from the living room and Changmin rolled his eyes, but slowly shifted back to the couch he had vacated moments before. Thumping down onto the furniture, another sigh left his mouth. Yunho glanced over at him. “Why don’t you just ring her?”

“Why should I?”

He gave Changmin a hard look. “Because you’re driving me mad with all the sighing you’re doing. You sound like a whining puppy waiting for your master to come home and pet you.”

“One, I am not a puppy,” Changmin retorted as the older man smirked to himself. “And secondly, I don’t want to ring her.”

“You should, then you’d know when she is going to come back. We have a full schedule tomorrow, and I’m not going to like it if you stay up too late again like you did last night. Maybe if you ring her, you can just go to bed.”

Changmin shook his head. “She’s an adult.”

“So then let her live her adult life,” Yunho gave him another look. He then smiled. “That doesn’t satisfy you though, Changmin. Why don’t you just say what’s really wrong.”

“I miss spending time with her. She’s always off with that guy Jay, and she’s meant to be working, not enjoying an all expenses paid holiday. Who does she think she is using me like this?”

Yunho sat up on the other couch he was on and let out a hearty chuckle. “You’re jealous.”

“Am not! I’m annoyed, that’s what!”

“You’re annoyed that she’s not here and is spending her time with another guy, and that makes you jealous. Ever think she could be jealous of your time with Kaori too?”

“Why would she be?” Changmin enquired sourly, wondering what Yunho was thinking. “She knows that I hate spending time with Kaori. It’s bad enough that I had to go watch that movie with the Ice Queen tonight after our schedule. She went too far with placing her hand on my knee I felt like I was going to throw up.”

Yunho smiled to himself, obviously enjoying Changmin’s pain. “Not what the photos show.”

“And why would Kai look at those? She knows they’re fake. Besides we’re friends, not lovers-”

“Technically you are lovers,” Yunho intervened and Changmin rolled his eyes. “You both have invested a lot into this contract you made. You’ve got a lot of emotion for each other; I really wish you’d both wake up to it all.”

“Hyung, what are you going on about now? Emotion?” Changmin stopped to laugh at the foolish suggestion. “You’re the one who’s off in some fairytale image of us. We’re simply friends. Good friends.”

“Uh huh.” Yunho got up and threw the remote control in Changmin’s direction. “Well, what are you doing waiting up for your friend to come home, if she’s just that to you? Sleep is more important, Min. I’ll see you in the morning.”

Changmin watched Yunho head off to his room and then stared back at the television. The anime they were watching no longer held his attention and he turned it off, the room falling into silence. His gaze travelled to the clock again and he scrunched up his face, it was late. Getting up, Changmin padded back towards the front door and looked into the CCTV screen, finding the same scenario he had before.

“Go to bed, Changmin,” he ordered out loud and went through the procedures of preparing for sleep, finally yanking back the blankets and slipping under the covers. His body ached from all the daily activities and rejoiced at the contact with the soft bed. But he wasn’t content and had to shift about in attempts to get comfortable. Finding a nice position, he closed his eyes and nestled into the pillow, trying to shut his brain off. But it wouldn’t. Switching sides, Changmin tried several times to get to sleep, but nothing worked. Kicking the blankets in frustration, he threw himself onto his back and stared up at the ceiling.

He couldn’t sleep knowing it was late at night and Kaia wasn’t back. She didn’t know Tokyo like he did and his paranoia grew quickly. Finally, Changmin caved and reached for his phone, scrolling through the contacts for her number. But before he pressed talk, he heard the front door key pin being put into the lock. Discarding the device in his hand, Changmin effortlessly moved across the room towards the living area, waiting for Kaia to enter the apartment. Folding his arms firmly across his chest, Changmin narrowed his eyes on her as soon as he spotted her.

Kaia blinked rapidly and covered her mouth in fright when she realised Changmin was there, a squeak coming through her hands. She then lowered them away and pointed at him. “You gave me such a fright! What are you still doing up anyway?”

“I couldn’t sleep; do you know what time it is?” he enquired sternly as Kaia walked passed him and into the kitchen to get a bottle of water from the refrigerator. She unscrewed the lid and gulped a little of the drink down before nodding her head.

“I was at this amazing karaoke bar and we lost track of time.”

“That’s clear,” Changmin said with a huff and Kaia eyed him warily. “You know I think we need to have a little chat, Kaia.”

“Shouldn’t we do this tomo-”

“I’m fine to do it now,” Changmin cut in and pointed at the dining table chair. “Sit.”

“Dad, am I in trouble?” she teased with a giggle but it only irked Changmin more as he sat down heavily. Kaia sighed and took the chair he had pointed at. “What is it?”

“You didn’t come to Japan to play with friends, you came to work for Korea Star and help me with Kaori-”

Kaia rolled her eyes. “You don’t need my help there Changmin; I’ve seen how well you are doing on your own there.”

“Oh, so Yunho hyung was right then, you’re simply jealous!”

“Jealous of you and her?!” Her brows furrowed. “You know I don’t appreciate this.”

“And I don’t appreciate waiting for you to come home when you know I have a jam-packed schedule!”

Kaia threw her hands up in defence, her golden eyes hardening. “No one told you to stay up for me! Don’t shove your lack of sleep onto me Changmin!”

“I will because if I wasn’t worried about you being out in a strange city at godforsaken hours of the night with some guy you barely know who could be a serial killer, I would be asleep right now!”

“Oh for goodness sakes, now who sounds jealous eh?!” Kaia got up and Changmin scrambled after the retreating girl and grabbed her upper arm. She spun to look at him and tried to shake him off. “Let me go!”

“No, we’re not done here!”

“I’m not interested in fighting with you over something so trivial, Changmin!”

“Trivial?! What about a text or something to let me know where you are huh?! I don’t even know this-”

“It’s Seo Jaewon from CODE V, happy now?” She let out a deep breath. “I didn’t tell you because I remember you scoffing over them performing one of your songs at some monumental place and all your fans went bonkers over them. I figured you’d hold the same thought pattern.”

Changmin narrowed his eyes on the girl momentarily and then softened the look, searching through her own for some indication of the person he was friends with. She merely stared back at him with an indescribable expression. “Who are you?”

“I could ask you the same thing.” She shoved him on the chest in attempts to free her arm but Changmin merely held on. “Since being here I’ve lost sight of my good friend. He’s become a fake, egotistical person who is very suited to his girlfriend.”

Changmin let out a hollow laugh. “I don’t have a girlfriend; I’m just doing my job. Something that you don’t seem to appreciate since you’ve missed work with us.”

“TVXQ isn’t the only Korean group working in Japan at present, in case you aren’t aware.”

A flare of annoyance shot throughout Changmin’s system and he backed her up against the wall in anger. “So you don’t want to work with us anymore? You want to change your contract?”

“Which contract are you talking about now, Changmin?” she asked and smirked. “Oh, the one where we sleep together? The one where you are made to feel good whenever it suits you huh? Well, that doesn’t suit me anymore. It hasn’t for days. I’m ashamed of who I’ve become around you!”

Changmin was taken back for a moment. “A…Ashamed?”

“I forgot what it felt like to have someone truly cherish me for me, to see me for more than what I can offer physically. Like I said, maybe you should turn to Kaori; you both seem to match impeccably well now.”

“Would you stop with the digs?!” he cried out and Kaia swallowed roughly, holding her emotions at bay. She was clearly trying to withhold her true feelings, and he felt hurt that she couldn’t even trust him enough to say what was on her mind. “This is going around in circles.”

“No, I think it’s actually reached its end,” Kaia replied and Changmin finally let her go. She rubbed her arm and he felt guilty for holding her so tightly. Looking at Changmin for a moment, she sighed. “You should go to bed.”

“Yeah, I have a busy day tomorrow.”

“I know.”

“I’ll see you in the morning,” he told her and she didn’t reply, just stood there staring at the floor. Awkwardly, Changmin stepped away from Kaia and headed down the hallway to his room, feeling all the air had been sucked out of his system.

He only hoped that when the morning arrived, he could make amends.

_________________

Part 18

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                 Many thanks to SWLing Post contributor, DanH, who provides the following update and news as he evaluates the new Sangean ATS-909X2: I have a few items to report after hitting the six weeks mark with the new Sangean ATS-909X2. My radio was equipped with firmware VER 070. I have been on the lookout for gremlins […]

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April 02, 2021 at 12:09PM

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                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Current ham radio news                                  

Tad Cook, K7RA, Seattle, reports: Average daily sunspot numbers declined this week from 17.9 to 11.9. Why? Because on the final 2 days of the March 25 – 31 reporting week sunspots disappeared. That’s right. We’re back to the blank sun again, unfortunately.

Spaceweather.com reported on Wednesday that we may soon see a potential sunspot that’s currently on the far side of our sun.

Average daily solar flux dropped from 78.6 to 77.4. Geomagnetic indicators softened as well, with average daily planetary A index declining from 13.3 to 8.9, and middle latitude A index from 10.4 to 7.7.

Predicted solar flux over the next month does not look promising, with values way down in the 70s, although this forecast improved some over the past couple of days. Expect 10.7-centimeter flux at 73 on April 2 – 3; 71 on April 4 – 9; 73 on April 10 – 13; 74 on April 14 – 16; 76 on April 17 – 24; 75 on April 25 – 27; 74 and 73 on April 28 – 29, and 72 on April 30 – May 5.

Predicted planetary A index is 5 on April 2 – 5; 8 on April 6 – 7; 5, 10, and 20 on April 8 – 10; 5 on April 11 – 15; 20 and 18 on April 16 – 17; 8 on April 18 – 19; 5 on April 20 – 21; 8 on April 22 – 24; 12 on April 25; 8 on April 26 – 27; 5 on April 28 – 30; 8 on May 1 – 2; 5 on May 3 – 4, and 12 on May 5 – 7.

Here’s the geomagnetic activity forecast for April 2 – 27 from OK1HH. The geomagnetic field will be:

quiet on April 12 – 13, 24 – 26

quiet to unsettled on April 5, 14, 23

quiet to active on April (2 – 7, 15, 20 – 22, 27)

unsettled to active April (8, 11, 18 – 19)

active to disturbed April (9 – 10,) 16 – 17

Solar wind will intensify on April 3, (4-5, 8-9,) 10-11, (12, 16-17,) 18, (19-22, 27)

Parentheses mean lower probability of activity enhancement. Predictability of changes remains very low, as there are  ambiguous and quickly changing indications.

This article in The Irish Times asks, “Was space weather the cause of the Titanic disaster?”

NN4X reported a 15-meter long path opening to Asia: “Nice opening to Asia here in Central Florida on the morning of April 1.

“On FT8, I worked BA7LP, YD7ACD, BG7PHA, and VR2VLY, and heard 9V1PL and BD7LMA.

“It was very concentrated. Note, no JA/HL/DU. Typically, I’ve been seeing more YBs than anything on 15-meter LP, but certainly not today.”

Many years ago we reported in this bulletin the results JQ2UOZ was getting running one-half watt using simple wire antennas on his apartment balcony. Check out his blog.

Another blast from the past on flares and CMEs:

This article in The Conversation discusses, “Why we need to get better at predicting space weather.”

The Carrington Event, mentioned in this article, “Extreme solar storms may be more frequent than previously thought,” continues to fascinate.

AL7LO has a collection of his favorite ARRL Propagation Bulletins, and he shared this one from 8 years ago.

Sunspot numbers for March 25 – 31 were 24, 24, 11, 11, 13, 0, and 0, with a mean of 11.9. The 10.7-centimeter flux was 78.8, 79.6, 80.4, 75.1, 74.4, 79.5, and 73.8, with a mean of 77.4. Estimated planetary A indices were 18, 12, 9, 6, 4, 3, and 10, with a mean of 8.9. Middle latitude A index was 18, 11, 7, 4, 3, 4, and 7, with a mean of 7.7.

For more information concerning radio propagation, visit the ARRL Technical Information Service, read “What the Numbers Mean…,” and check out K9LA’s Propagation Page.

A propagation bulletin archive is available. For customizable propagation charts, visit the VOACAP Online for Ham Radio website.

Instructions for starting or ending email distribution of ARRL bulletins are on the ARRL website.

Share your reports and observations.

source:ARRL

Antenna

Build your own Roll Up Slim Jim Antenna for the 2 Meter Ham Radio Band.

December 08, 2020

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Build your own Roll Up Slim Jim Antenna for the 2 Meter Ham Radio Band. Read more

M2 Antenna 1330LP11 – HF Log Periodic

June 30, 2015

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HF Log Periodic SPECIFICATIONS: Model 10-30LP12 Frequency Range 10.0-30.0 MHz Gain 6.8 dBi / 11.6 dBi @ 45′ Front to Back 20 dB Typical Usable R... Read more

XR3-NV | HIGH PERFORMANCE 14 ELEMENT 20 / 15 / 10 METER MULTI-MONO CONTEST YAG

June 03, 2016

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The Ultimate Contest Tribander: fourteen elements delivering superior performance on 20, 15 and 10 meters! Click here to download a PDF of the XR6 pro... Read more

MonoBeam HF Multibander MB16 10-15-20

December 26, 2014

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MonoBeam The mb16 10/15/20 is an antenna for 14 MHz, 21 MHz and 28 MHz. No traps or inpedance adapting system is used, the feeding is direct with a s... Read more

Little Tarheel II | Mobile HF 80-6 Meter Ham Radio Antenna

March 22, 2021

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The Little Tarheel (TH-1L), when properly installed on your vehicle, will provide continuous coverage from 7.0 to 54 MHz with the supplied whip. The L... Read more

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SAQ Alexanderson Alternator Transmission Set for Christmas Eve

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“This is the long awaited Chameleon F-LOOP vs Chameleon P-LOOP review. In this video we go through the design and functionality of each antenna,... Read more

Introducing the IC-705 QRP [ ICOM Official Video ]

July 17, 2020

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Chameleon MPAS vs Wolf River Silver Bullet – Ham Radio Q&A

September 26, 2019

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Heil BM-10 Headset

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The BM-10 headset was designed to be a lightweight (only 3 oz), articulate sounding boomset that is ideal for DXpeditions, mobile, and general rag che... Read more

New DV4Home V2 digital IP transceiver for D-Star, DMR, C4FM, NXDN

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DV4home V2    The DV4home V2 is another member of the successful family of DV4 products. As usual it supports all digital modes, while simplifyi... Read more

Electraft W2 Wattmeter

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HF/6m linear amplifier 1200W with 5″ touch screen control heat pipes cooling system

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Linear Amp Gemini HF-1K 1.8-50MHz 1kW Solid State Linear Amplifier

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The post The K7RA Solar Update appeared first on QRZ NOW - Ham Radio News.

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April 02, 2021 at 12:09PM

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                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Current ham radio news                                  

UPDATE by Janusz SP9FIH. Because of strong wind I cannot put up the VDA for 15/20m. Instead, I managed to hang sloping dipoles for these bands. I hope they will work. On photo above you can see all my antennas: 2 element vertical for 40m, mast of sloping dipoles for 15/20m and VDA for 12/17m. […]

The post

[QRV] TO1K – Saint Martin

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DX-World

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April 02, 2021 at 03:09PM

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                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Current ham radio news                                  

NEWS UPDATE – Yuri, N3QQ informs DX-World that the planned NA-039 IOTA DXpedition to Adak Island has been rescheduled for Juky 2021. A charter vessel has been found despite COVID-19 restrictions. Negotiations in progress.   MAY 14, 2020 – Russian Robinson Club team plan activity from Kiska Island, NA-070 during September 5-10, 2020. Yuri, N3QQ informs […]

The post

KL7RRC – Kiska Island, NA-070 – Alaska

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April 02, 2021 at 03:09PM

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                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Current ham radio news                                  

Masa, JA0RQV will QRV again from Tongatapu (OC-049) as A35JP from May to October 2021. This time, he will be stationed there as a resident supervisor of an international cooperation project. Band/Mode: 80m-6m. CW, SSB, FT8. Equipment: IC-7300 100W/Vertical. QSL info: LoTW/Club Log. During the period, if possible, he will try to activate some of […]

The post

A35JP – Tonga

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April 02, 2021 at 03:09PM

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                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Current ham radio news                                  

                 KL7RRC/P Team will be active from Kiska Island, IOTA NA - 070, in July 2021.

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April 02, 2021 at 03:09PM

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                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Current ham radio news                                  

Dates not confirmed, but one weekend during May 2021, Ed ES2TT plans to visit Kihnu Island, EU-178 (Parnumaa County / Saaremaa County South group). QRV as ES2TT/8 on HF bands; CW & SSB (no Digi). QSL via H/c, eQSL.

The post

ES2TT/8 – Kihnu Island, EU-178

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April 02, 2021 at 05:09PM

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                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Current ham radio news                                  

                 WA7BNM Contest Calendar - 0145Z-0215Z, Apr 9

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April 02, 2021 at 08:09PM

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                 WA7BNM Contest Calendar - 0230Z-0300Z, Apr 9

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April 02, 2021 at 08:09PM

           via RSS Feed            https://www.contestcalendar.com/contestdetails.php?ref=44          

                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Current ham radio news                                  

                 WA7BNM Contest Calendar - 2000Z-2100Z, Apr 9

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April 02, 2021 at 08:09PM

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                 Southgate ARC - WIA News reports Australia's communications regulator, the ACMA, is requesting comments on its draft spectrum outlook 2021-2-25

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April 03, 2021 at 07:11AM

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                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Current ham radio news                                  

                 Southgate ARC - The traditional AM and CW event organised by Mike 'Banjo' Patterson VK4MIK and the Tablelands Radio Group of Far North Queensland, will take to the air for the 10th year

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April 03, 2021 at 07:11AM

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                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Current ham radio news                                  

                 Southgate ARC - A little while ago I was gifted a new radio, well, new to me. A Kenwood TS-480HX. It's an all mode HF transceiver with 6m. Does 200 Watts, but you know me, I'm into QRP, low power, so I first had to figure out how to dial the transmitter down to 5 Watts and that was after figuring out how to feed the dual power supplies from one source and have the fuses work as expected

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April 03, 2021 at 07:11AM

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                 Southgate ARC - Engineers will drop an 14,000-pounds test version of the Orion spacecraft into the Hydro Impact Basin at NASA's Langley Research Center's Landing and Impact Research Facility in Hampton, Virginia at 1:45 p.m. EDT Tuesday, April 6

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April 03, 2021 at 07:11AM

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                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Current ham radio news                                  

                 Southgate ARC - NewsWest for Sunday 4th April 2021 is the Club Focus edition of NewsWest, and we’ve invited local clubs to strut their stuff and tell you what they are up to. On behalf of the NewsWest team, I’d like to wish you all the very best for a happy and safe Easter

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April 03, 2021 at 07:11AM

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                 Southgate ARC - The keynote speech by David Minster, NA2AA, CEO of ARRL, along with other presentations given at the QSO Today Virtual Ham Expo, March 13-14, are available online

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April 03, 2021 at 07:11AM

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                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Current ham radio news                                  

                 Southgate ARC - Winmalee Public will become ground control later this month when eight students talk to an astronaut on the International Space Station

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April 03, 2021 at 07:11AM

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                                                             Manage                                                  

[newstfionline]

Headlines: Sunday, September 27, 2020

A Baffled World Watches the U.S. (NYT) Myanmar is a poor country struggling with open ethnic warfare and a coronavirus outbreak that could overload its broken hospitals. That hasn’t stopped its politicians from commiserating with a country they think has lost its way. “I feel sorry for Americans,” said U Myint Oo, a member of parliament in Myanmar. “But we can’t help the U.S. because we are a very small country.” The same sentiment prevails in Canada, one of the most developed countries. Two out of three Canadians live within about 60 miles of the American border. “Personally, it’s like watching the decline of the Roman Empire,” said Mike Bradley, the mayor of Sarnia, an industrial city on the border with Michigan, where locals used to venture for lunch. Amid the pandemic and in the run-up to the presidential election, much of the world is watching the United States with a mix of shock, chagrin and, most of all, bafflement. How did a superpower allow itself to be felled by a virus? And after nearly four years during which President Trump has praised authoritarian leaders and obscenely dismissed some other countries as insignificant and crime-ridden, is the United States in danger of exhibiting some of the same traits he has disparaged? Adding to the sense of bewilderment, Mr. Trump has refused to embrace an indispensable principle of democracy, dodging questions about whether he will commit to a peaceful transition of power after the November election should he lose.

Trump caps judiciary remake with choice of Barrett for court (AP) President Donald Trump has nominated Judge Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court, capping a dramatic reshaping of the federal judiciary that will resonate for a generation and that he hopes will provide a needed boost to his reelection effort. Barrett, a former clerk to the late Justice Antonin Scalia, said Saturday that she was “truly humbled” by the nomination and quickly aligned herself with Scalia’s conservative approach to the law, saying his “judicial philosophy is mine, too.” Barrett, 48, was joined in the Rose Garden by her husband and seven children. If confirmed by the Senate, she would fill the seat vacated by liberal icon Ruth Bader Ginsburg. It would be the sharpest ideological swing since Clarence Thomas replaced Justice Thurgood Marshall nearly three decades ago.

California braces for power shutoffs and warm, windy weekend (AP) Firefighters and officials at California’s largest utility company braced for hot, dry and windy weather in northern and central areas of the state this weekend that may fan the flames of several major wildfires or ignite new ones. Pacific Gas & Electric warned Friday it may cut power from Sunday morning to Monday, potentially affecting 97,000 customers in 16 counties, during which forecasters said a ridge of high pressure will raise temperatures and generate gusts flowing from the interior to the coast. When heavy winds were predicted earlier this month, PG&E cut power to about 167,000 homes and businesses in central and Northern California in a more targeted approach after being criticized last year for acting too broadly when it blacked out 2 million customers to prevent fires.

US colleges struggle to salvage semester amid outbreaks (AP) Colleges across the country are struggling to salvage the fall semester amid skyrocketing coronavirus cases, entire dorm complexes and frat houses under quarantine, and flaring tensions with local community leaders over the spread of the disease. Many major universities are determined to forge ahead despite warning signs, as evidenced by the expanding slate of college football games occurring Saturday. Institutions across the nation saw spikes of thousands of cases days after opening their doors in the last month, driven by students socializing with little or no social distancing. School and community leaders have tried to rein in the virus by closing bars, suspending students, adding mask requirements, and toggling between in-person and online instruction as case numbers rise and fall. In Rhode Island, Gov. Gina Raimondo, a Democrat, this week blamed outbreaks at two colleges for a surge of virus cases that boosted the state’s infection rate high enough to put it on the list of places whose residents are required to quarantine when traveling to New York, New Jersey and Connecticut. The University of Wisconsin-Madison had seen more than 2,800 confirmed cases in students as of Friday. The school shut down in-person instruction for two weeks, locked down two of its largest dorms, and imposed quarantines on more than a dozen sorority and fraternity houses. The school lifted the dorm lockdown just this week.

Desk shortage forces people to get creative about workspaces (AP) First it was toilet paper. Disinfectant wipes. Beans. Coins. Computers. Now, desks are in short supply because of the coronavirus pandemic. Millions of kids logging onto virtual school this fall has parents scrambling to find furniture for them. At the same time, some people are realizing they’ll be working from home for the long haul and require new furniture. To find desks, people are scouring stores near and far and even making their own. Online, sales of desks and accessories, such as desk chairs and lamps, were up 283% in August from the year before, according to Rakuten Intelligence, which tracks shopper behavior. People are figuring out other solutions, sharing advice on turning dressers or book shelves into makeshift desks on Pinterest and Facebook.

He’s not running, but Morales looms large in Bolivia vote (AP) Even in exile, Evo Morales looms over Bolivia’s election next month. National rifts that contributed to chaos in Bolivia in 2019 threaten to destabilize the Oct. 18 vote and its aftermath nearly one year after Morales, Bolivia’s first Indigenous president from the Aymara group, was forced to resign following disputed vote results, protests, violence and a military call for him to go. The country is divided mainly along ethnic, regional and socioeconomic lines, and between those who applaud Morales as a voice for the historically poor and disenfranchised and those who say he became increasingly corrupt and authoritarian during 14 years in power. The interim government that replaced him has also been accused of undermining Bolivia’s democratic institutions, including the judiciary. The feud has reverberated outside the landlocked country of 12 million people. In a speech to the virtual U.N. General Assembly on Wednesday, interim President Jeanine Áñez accused neighboring Argentina, where Morales is in self-exile, of ″systematic and abusive harassment″ of Bolivia’s institutions and supporting a “violent conspiracy” led by the former president.

Alps surprised by early snowfall, Swiss town sees new record (AP) Parts of Switzerland, Austria and Germany were surprised by unseasonably early snowfall overnight, after a sharp drop in temperatures and heavy precipitation. The Swiss meteorological agency said Saturday that the town of Montana, in the southern canton (state) of Valais, experienced 25 centimeters (almost 10 inches) of snowfall — a new record for this time of year. Authorities were out in force across mountainous regions in the two Alpine nations to clear roads blocked by snow and ice.

Lebanon’s prime minister-designate steps down in blow to French initiative (Reuters) Lebanon’s prime minister-designate quit on Saturday after trying for almost a month to line up a non-partisan cabinet, failing despite French pressure on sectarian leaders to rally together to deal with the worst crisis since a 1975-1990 civil war. Mustapha Adib, former ambassador to Berlin, was picked on Aug. 31 to form a cabinet. He had tried to form a government of specialists in a nation where power is shared between Muslims and Christians and political loyalties tend to follow sectarian lines. But his efforts ran into the sand over cabinet appointments, particularly the post of finance minister, who will have a crucial role in drawing up a programme to lift Lebanon out of a deep economic crisis. Crushed by a mountain of debt, Lebanon’s banks are paralysed and its currency is in freefall. Talks with the International Monetary Fund on a vital bailout package stalled this year. The cabinet’s first task would have been to restart negotiations.

Fleeing chaos and hardship, Lebanese have begun braving perilous seas (Washington Post) For years, Ibrahim Lisheen watched as refugees from neighboring Syria passed through this Mediterranean port city, boarding smugglers’ boats for risky crossings to Europe. For Lebanese like him, it was an act of desperation to be pitied, not copied. Until now. Earlier this month, Lisheen, 22, sold his furniture and paid to board an open fishing boat on a promise of safe passage to Cyprus, just 10 hours away. He was part of a new wave of migrants fleeing Lebanon’s own serial catastrophes: a collapsed economy, political unrest and the devastation wrought by a massive warehouse explosion in Beirut last month. Hardship is nothing new in Lebanon, a country racked by decades of conflict. But even the beleaguered Lebanese are shocked that conditions have become so hopeless that their fellow citizens are joining the treacherous migration across the Mediterranean that is typically associated with refugees from the region’s failed states. Lisheen, who said he hasn’t had a job in five years, is part of an unemployment wave that topped 35 percent in the months since the coronavirus pandemic took hold here. Protests over government corruption have rocked the country for more than a year. And Hezbollah, which is both a militant group and political party, has engaged in military exchanges with Israeli forces across the southern border.

Famine Emerges as U.N. Theme, Crystallized by Yemen Disaster (NYT) The coronavirus scourge is a prevailing theme at this year’s United Nations General Assembly, forcing the gathering to be conducted largely online. But the pandemic is also fueling another crisis preoccupying the organization and humanitarian groups: the strong prospect of famine in some of the world’s most destitute places. Nowhere is famine more likely than in Yemen, the Arab world’s poorest country, ravaged by war for nearly six years between the Houthi rebels and a Saudi-led military coalition defending a weak government that exerts little or no control over most Yemeni territory. Combined with donor fatigue, a collapse in the value of Yemen’s currency, a fuel shortage and the coronavirus, which may be spreading unchecked in the country, famine is again “definitely knocking on the door—it’s looming,” said David Beasley, executive director of the World Food Program, the anti-hunger arm of the United Nations. In an interview, Mr. Beasley said he needed $500 million in the next six months, just to provide food to Yemenis at half the usual ration rate. Moreover, he said, “even if we get the money, we still may have famine” because of delays and obstacles to delivery. Roughly 80 percent of the country’s 30 million people require food aid, yet the United Nations is in the position of having to cut assistance when it is needed more than ever.

[lovemesomesurveys]

What Rhymes With “ATE”?

1. What’s the last thing you ate? Ramen.

2. Do you have a gate to your backyard? Yeah.

3. Who’s your best mate? My mom.

4. How often do you mate? Have sex? Never have.

5. What would you use as bait on a fishing hook? I wouldn’t even go fishing let’s be real, but fine if I did I’d use worms or whatever I guess alkjfklfjklf. I wouldn’t be the one to put it on, though!

6. What do you bate your breath with? Any anxious situation. 

7. What’s the last thing you got in a crate? I don’t get things in crates.

8. When’s the last time you went on a date? Where did you go? Almost 5 years ago. It was a cute coffee and bookstore date with Ty. That was our favorite thing to do.

9. Do you believe in fate? No.

10. Have you ever seen a freight train in person before? Yeah.

11. Do you like grated cheese? Yesss.

12. Do you have an awkward gait? As a paraplegic, no I do not. Everything else about me is awkward, though.

13. When’s the last time you truly felt great? When I was a kid.

14. Who do you hate? Besides myself, no one.

15. Do you know of anyone named Kate or Nate? No.

16. When’s the last time you were late for something? I don’t recall. I’m big on being punctual.

17. Do you know how to plait hair? I haven’t heard it called that, but yes.

18. Do you have a favorite plate? Paper plates, ha.

19. Would rather ice skate or roller skate? I can’t do either one.

20. How would you rate this survey so far? I’ve enjoyed all your surveys!

21. Do you ever just wish for a clean slate? Yesssss.

22. What state do you live in? (if you’re American) California.

23. What is your current state of mind? Blah.

24. Are you straight? Yes.

25. Are you straight-laced? Straight-edged? No, because apparently you can’t have caffeine or narcotics to be considered straightedge, both of which I have.

26. Have you ever visited a strait? No.

27. What’s your best personality trait? Sense of humor.

28. How long will you wait for someone/something? I don’t know? 

29. What is your weight? I’m not exactly sure, but I think mid to low 70lbs. 

30. Are you awaiting anything special? No.

31. Do you berate anyone? Nooo.

32. Is there anyone you’d like to castrate? Uh, no!

33. Are you a cheapskate? Lol I have my moments, but I also can overspend. Just depends, really.

34. When was the last time you collated papers? I don’t recall.

35. Last thing you created? Uhhh.

36. What was your last debate about? I really try and avoid those.

37. Last time you inflated something? Or deflated? I don’t recall.

38. Do you dictate what other people can do? No.

39. Have your pupils ever dilated before? When I go to the eye doctor. 

40. When’s the last time you donated something? A few months ago when I got rid of some clothes.

41. The last time you felt elated? My Disneyland trip earlier this year.

42. Have you ever been to an estate sale? No.

43. What are you fixated on? Health related stuff.

44. How often do your floodgates open? I cry often.

45. Last thing you equated? Hmm.

46. Last time you felt frustrated? The last few days. I feel that way quite often.

47. Do you remember to stay hydrated? Yeah.

48. Do you live upstate? No.

49. How often do you post status updates? I very rarely post status updates on Facebook anymore, I just share things now and then. I tweet a lot, though.

50. How often do you use Google Translate? Not often, but sometimes. I actually did a couple days ago.

51. Who is a classmate that you are still friends with?

52. Have you ever had a teammate before? No.

53. Have you ever tailgated? No.

54. Have you ever reached a stalemate? That’s how I’ve felt the past few years.

55. Have you ever been sedated? Yeah, several times.

56. Do you rotate your mattress? No.

57. Last time you got a rebate? It’s been awhile, but I used to use Ebates (called Rakuten now). I keep forgetting to use it for some reason, which is dumb.

58. Have you ever felt like you could relate to someone? Yeah, many times.

59. Favorite primate? I don’t have one.

60. Do you have something ornate? Uhh. I don’t really have anything fancy.

61. Has an action ever negated the effect of your efforts? Yes.

62. Could you be described as a lightweight? Ha, yeah. For sure.

63. Would you like to visit Kuwait? I haven’t thought about it.

64. Last person that gyrated near you? No one.

65. Do you know someone who is irate or innate? Hmm.

66. Do you know of any inmates? Yes.

67. How long does it take you to acclimate? I struggle with change.

68. Last time you activated something? Not too long ago.

69. What do you advocate for? Stuff.

70. Last time you felt agitated or aggravated? Recently.

71. Last time you had to annotate something? Recently during my Bible study.

72. Have you ever felt alienated before? Yes.

73. What was the last caffeinated beverage you consumed? Starbucks Doubleshot energy drink.

74. Do you like carbonated drinks? Yeah.

75. What captivates you? Staring out at the ocean and listening to the waves crash in and out.

76. What do you allocate a lot of your hours towards? Watching YouTube videos and checking my social medias.

77. Last event you celebrated? 4th of July. Well, we just went out and watched fireworks from the driveway.

78. Last time you were compensated for something? I don’t recall.

79. Do you tend to make things complicated? Yepppp. :/  “Why you gotta go and make things so complicated?”

80. Do you find it hard to concentrate at times? Yes.

81. Have you ever had anything confiscated? No.

82. Last place you congregated at? I haven’t been around a large crowd of people since my Disneyland trip earlier this year. I won’t be again for a very long time given the current state of things.

83. How long are you with someone before you consummate the relationship? I’m a virgin.

84. Last time you had to conjugate a verb? I did that recently when I was helping my mom with her Duolingo Spanish lesson. It amazes me how much I still remember considering I haven’t taken a Spanish class or even really practiced it in almost 10 years. :O I mean, I’ll occasionally try and speak it or if I hear or see it somewhere I’ll try to translate it, but it’s not very often, so I’m surprised I’m still able to at all.

85. Last time you were constipated? I don’t recall.

86. How often do you contemplate life? Often.

87. Are you hard to cooperate with? No, I don’t think so.

88. Do you know anyone who cultivates land? No.

89. Would you want to be cremated? Yes.

90. Do you have any issues with your prostate? I don’t have a prostate. 

91. Have you ever decimated someone’s character before? No.

92. Do you decorate your home for the holidays? Yesss. Well, for Christmas. I used to for Halloween, but I haven’t the past few years. I should do that this year.

93. Who would you dedicate a book you wrote to? My mom.

94. Are you good at delegating group projects? I felt like I always had to take lead in group projects and make sure everything was getting done. I hated doing them, they stressed me out even more.

95. Do you know how to demonstrate things in order to show someone how to do something? I do feel like I suck at trying to explain things to others for the most part, but I guess it depends on the thing. 

96. In what ways do you deviate from “the norm”? I’m soon to be 31 years old and I still live at home with my parents, with no plans to move out anytime soon. I don’t have a job. I don’t have much, basically none, relationship experience. I’m a virgin. I’m just not a functioning adult.

97. How long after you take a painkiller does the pain start to dissipate? It typically takes about 30 minutes, but on really bad pain/flare up days it can take an hour or so and sometimes not until I have the next dose.

98. Do you feel the need to dominate in conversations? Nooo. I’m much more of a listener and I’ll throw the convo back to the other person.

99. Would you ever domesticate a wild animal? Why or why not? No.

100. Who is the last person you congratulated? For what? I don’t remember.

101. Would you like to decapitate anyone? Who, and why? Uh, no!

102. Do you ever think that you could duplicate something you’ve tried before?   Uhh, like what?

103. What do you feel you could educate others about? I don’t know. Remember before how I said I suck at explaining things to others?

104. What elevates your stress level? My heath, my life (including things related to my loved ones in my life, such as their health issues and things they’re dealing with/going through), and just...life in general, man. There’s a lot going on this year alone.

105. Do you have a tendency to make situations escalate? In my mind cause I jump to the worst conclusions. My natural reaction is to freak out.

106.  How good are you at estimating? Uhh, depends what I’m estimating.

107. Do you fabricate your stories? No. 

108. What is something that fascinates you? Psychology.

109. How long does it take you to formulate a game plan? Hmm. Depends.

110. What tends to make your blood pressure fluctuate? Stress and anxiety.

111. How do you generate enough energy to get through your day? What energy? I’m seriously lacking.

112. When did you graduate? I graduated UC back in 2015.

113. When you’re in a department store, which section do you gravitate towards most often? The clothes.

114. How often do you hesitate before doing or saying something? Often.

115. Do you ever wish that you could just hibernate? Yes.

116. Does anyone try to imitate you? Does it get on your nerves? No, but that would most definitely get on my nerves.

117. Do you like to instigate others? Nooo. I’m not an instigator.

118. Could you illustrate a children’s book? I couldn’t illustrate anything, I’m an artist at all.

119. Do you marinate your meats? I don’t cook.

120. Do you masturbate? No. What a way to end, ha.

[a-zebra-is-a-striped-horse]

[forestfairyunicorn]

So for Huevember 2017, it was mostly for @entanglement-community and @tenoranathema and for the majority of Day 4-Day 30 (excluding Day 29 here because it's pretty risque, It's a phallic bottle, and Day 15, which is Tallulah) are all bath products and perfumes created and sold by Tallulah

From top left to right: Day 4: "Citrus Rejuvenation" A refreshing energy drink that tastes like summer, with a citrus aftertaste. Restores mental and physical energy in a gradual incline. Best for parents. Day 5: "Autumn Breezes." An aromatic fizzy bottle that consists of scents of spicy and earthy autumn. Shake well with bottle corked, and when heated enough, uncork it and wave the bottle away from face, dispensing the fragrant smoke around. Scents of cardamom, cinnamon, soil, bark, and apple, among others. Day 6: "Autumn's Brew" A bath bomb with the smells of autumn. Fruity and spicy. Day 7: "Wheel Round" or "A Wheelin' Good Time". An unusual size drink; it can come in necklace form with choice of silver, copper, or gold chain, or can be hand-sized with a set of triangle supports to have optimal spinning. Ideally used as a flavour drop: has hints of oak, earth, spices, and fruits. As a drink, its the same, but the aftereffects can be dizzying as if you did cartwheels over and over. Have water on hand and a flat surface and a chair. Day 8: "Bravery's Folly." A sharp and tangy energy drink that encourages focus, determination, and even aggression. Always take a small sip, and never overindulge. Symptoms include a flaring in the eyes, a smoky breath, and a bit of a snarl. Effects wear off after an hour, followed by exhaustion and dehydration. Have water on hand. Day 9: "Sultry Locks." A conditioner that guarantees to turn heads. Inspired by a beneficial glass-maker Domene (Demona), this conditioner is both war-like and festive, sexy and powerful. Smells of strawberries, cinnamon, cherries, raspberries, and peppermint. Day 10: "Berry Nice." A bountiful of berries in this ripe shampoo bottle. Enriched with hair-strengthening properties, this shampoo also has a faint wine wisp. Day 11: "Berry Nice." A bountiful of berries in this ripe shampoo bottle. Enriched with hair-strengthening properties, this shampoo also has a faint wine wisp. Day 12: "Lacey Lather" A soap with skin enriching and moisturizing properties. Has the scents of florals, fruits, and wines. Day 13: "Tallulah's Tantalizing Lotion" A moisturizing cream that works well for sea-based beings after spending some time on land, and works well for land-dwellers. Day 14: "Sophisticated Locks." A hair mousse with the scent of plums and blackberries. Day 16: "Swirling Dreams." Comes in two kinds: incense and drug. Incense form is to help with peaceful and creative dreams. Drug is in liquid form, and leaves one in a peaceful state in a blurred line of dream and reality. For the latter, have water on hand, and be in a bed. Dizziness and vertigo confirmed. Day 17: "Nighttime's Mysteries." A dazzling perfume and necklace with the scents of lavender, plums, and violets. For both the enrichment of a party, or for a pleasant night in. Day 18: "Winter's Cleanse." A bath bomb with the smells of winter. A special one that combines the cools of winter with some tingly feels of cleanliness. (like if Excel mints have a physical sensation and smell) Day 19: "Melodious Serenity." A relaxant, this musically-shaped potion has all the sweet smelling properties to calm a person down. Turn the knob, and watch the show. Day 20: "Bath in a Bottle." A potion that's useful when you need a quick refresher and you don't have a proper access to a cleansing area. Simply shake, and open. Useful for about five times, before return for a refill Day 21: "Underwater Breathing." A potion that allows the drinker up to one hour of light swimming underwater. Best taken when in the water, not under it. A popular potion for those who want to visit under the sea places, and for Tallulah's 'extras' Day 22: "Sea and Sky Serenity" An incense that's powerful in itself. Combined with the scents of the sky and sea, this shell shaped wax only needs a drop of water to release its treasures. With moderation, lasts for months. Day 23: "Spring's Refresh" A bath bomb that has the floral promise of spring. Smells of plants and rainwater. Day 24: "Luck o' the Reckless" A potion that boosts confidence or luck. Enhances speed, vigor, courage, wisdom, etc. for about 15 -30 minutes. Tastes very bitter to discourage overindulgence, but has a very faint sweet aftertaste. Not for children. Day 25: "Emerald Flourish" A rich potion that brings forth the scents of freshness, grass, ripe greens, and herbs. Shake well before uncorking. Day 26:  "Danger Peaks" A stimulant that heightens danger detection for about a good duration, depending on a person's stamina. Day 27: "Zany Flower" A floral soap, one of the few in many different and unpredictable scents. This one has blueberries, citrus, and sea salt. Day 28: "Sour Spear Leaf" A flavour liquor to add a drop of acidic and sour taste to a meal. Closest to a poison, but perfect for those who like very tart things. Day 30: "Summer's Infusion" A bath bomb with the refreshing powers of summer. Sunny, tangy, floral and citrusy 

[conretewings]

My OC munchkins

So being inspired by the lovely @msrenai21 and @tyrannobro posting info about their OC’s, I decided to go out on a limb and write about mine. The original post if from this by mutedcat. I’ll do these for my rocketshipping kids, Jane and Jeremy, and for my guzmeria kid, Fern. Enjoy! WARNING: It’s loooong

Rocketshipping kids!

-Jane 1. What is their worst fear? -Jane doesn’t really think too deeply nor much at all about the things that scare her because, well, they’re scary, but her deepest fear is probably losing her Pokemon or family, or failing as a trainer. 2. Does your OC have a temper? -Jane has the longest fuse you’ve ever seen. She’ll get mildly irritated or annoyed, but she never gets truly angry unless it’s an especially bad situation. Then heaven help whoever her anger is directed at! 3. Religious beliefs? -Arceus? 4. Height? -Around 5 feet at age 12 5. Weight? -About 90 lbs. 6. What is something that they really regret? -Telling her parents she hates them after they tell her about their involvement in Team Rocket. She didn’t really mean it, and they know that, but she’ll always feel awful about it. 7. Something they’re proud of? -Her Pokemon team, especially her dear Eevee, and her violin playing skills 8. What is something they really hate? -People who are cruel, manipulative and/or abusive toward anyone, people or Pokemon 9. Now something they really love? -Again, her Pokemon (Eevee, Mothim, and Wooper), her family, playing violin, and taking long walks in the woods 10. How does your OC react when they’re embarrassed? -Jane will get red as a beet and try to brush it off but end up looking and acting more awkward, which only makes it worse. 11. Birthday! -May 18th 12. Are they a morning person or a night owl? -Jane likes to be up early to get as much done in a day as possible. Nobody else in the family knows where she gets it from. 13. Is there anything you would have changed about your OC? -Not really. I’ve been working on her character long enough I’m happy with how she is. 14. If you could compare your OC to an animal what would that be? -Most likely a dog-sweet, loyal, energetic, kinda a klutz sometimes 15. Give me a description of their family. -Her parents are Jessie and James, whom she adores, and by now have settled down a bit and are busy with their clothing store, and her younger brother, Jeremy, who’s quite the troublemaker 16. Are they good with technology? -Jane’s as good as most people, which is to say pretty good; enough to do everything she needs to. 17. Describe some of their hobbies! -Playing her violin (she’s been playing since she was 5), watercolor painting, collecting “cool rocks” (ones she thinks are pretty or a neat shape) training her Pokemon, trying to keep Jeremy out of trouble... 18. Describe their sleeping habits. -Jane has to have her favorite stuffed toys on the bed so they don’t ‘get lonely’. She also has a star projector for her ceiling. She is an early-bird; she’ll be up before anyone else in the house and has learned to stay quiet until they are. 19. What are some of their strengths? -Jane is fiercely loyal to her family and Pokemon. She can also think on her feet, is kind and caring, and is a good judge of character. 20. What are some of their weaknesses? -Her self-confidence tends to be low, and when things go bad despite her best efforts, it can really devastate her. Trying to see the bright side of things, when there isn’t one, can also mess her up. She’s been told she’s not ‘realistic’ enough. 21. Do they suffer any mental disorders? (PTSD/Depression, etc.) -No 22. Do they have any physical impairments? (Blind/Deaf/Loss of a limb) -No

-Jeremy 1. What is their worst fear? -Not being able to find his place in the world. He doesn’t want to be a Trainer like most kids his age, so he just feels kind of lost. 2. Does your OC have a temper? -Oh boy. Jeremy takes after his mother, so he tends to be hot-headed. 3. Religious beliefs? -Arceus? 4. Height? -Around 4 1/2 feet at age 10 5. Weight? -About 65 lbs. 6. What is something that they really regret? -He tends to tell tall tales, and he kind of regrets some of the things he’s lied to his friends about. Also trying to run away after his parents told them they were in Team Rocket and scaring them with that. 7. Something they’re proud of? -His beloved Aipom, Poffle, and his skills with building things 8. What is something they really hate? -Like his sister, he hates people who are cruel to others 9. Now something they really love? -Tinkering with/building contraptions, his Aipom, his family, and the sea 10. How does your OC react when they’re embarrassed? -He’ll laugh way too loud and try to play it off like “I knew that!” or like it didn’t happen, when deep down he wants to crawl in a hole 11. Birthday! -October 29th (almost a Halloween baby) 12. Are they a morning person or a night owl? -Jeremy likes to get up as late as possible, and then takes a bit longer to fully wake up. 13. Is there anything you would have changed about your OC? -Jeremy is a delightful little shit and I wouldn’t change a thing. 14. If you could compare your OC to an animal what would that be? -A crow. Intelligent, loyal, kinda sneaky, “ I don’t giveafuck,” likes shiny things. 15. Give me a description of their family. -His parents are Jessie and James, whom he loves dearly (despite trying to act cool a lot of the time), and his older sister is Jane. 16. Are they good with technology? -Jeremy is a whiz-he was taking apart his and his sister’s toys (and anything else that wasn’t nailed down) from a very early age. By the time he’s eight he can make his own little robots and other items. 17. Describe some of their hobbies! -Tinkering with anything he can get his hands on (his room looks like a lab), playing with Aipom, playing pranks,. He’s also very good at cooking, something he doesn’t get to use often. 18. Describe their sleeping habits. -He tends to move in his sleep a lot, ending up in weird places or positions when he wakes up. Aipom has learned to stay on the pillow as it’s usually a safe spot. He is not a morning person, trying to keep the blanket over his head until someone rips it off. 19. What are some of their strengths? -Jeremy is highly intelligent, able to take apart and build things with ease. He’s determined, loyal, and loves those he cares about deeply. 20. What are some of their weaknesses? -He’s a terrible prankster, and tends to always be getting into trouble, whether he was trying or not. He can be horribly stubborn, argumentative and unfocused.  21. Do they suffer any mental disorders? (PTSD/Depression, etc.) -No 22. Do they have any physical impairments? (Blind/Deaf/Loss of a limb) -He shattered his left knee from falling out of a tree, and though they were able to repair it, it flares up sometimes to where he can hardly walk for a few hours or days. 

(and now my guzmeria munchkin!) -Fern 1. What is their worst fear? -Failure. She has high expectations for herself. 2. Does your OC have a temper? -*nervous laugh* Her dad is Guzma ffs. Ok, she’s not as bad as him (she has her mom to thank for that), but she can still lose her cool easily depending on the situation.  3. Religious beliefs? -Arceus and the Tapus 4. Height? -A little over 4 feet at age 8 5. Weight? -About 58 lbs. 6. What is something that they really regret? -Running off without a word to start her Island Challenge. She left a brief note but that was it. 7. Something they’re proud of? -Her Pokemon (Venonat, Salandit, Meowth and Magikarp) and her knowledge of all the little secret caves around the island 8. What is something they really hate? -Dishonesty and people who are abusive 9. Now something they really love? -Her Pokemon of course, her parents (until they ‘drop the bomb’ on her, but she realizes she of course still loves them), eating, training 10. How does your OC react when they’re embarrassed? -She’ll get really annoyed or try to brush it off and change the subject-depends on her mood 11. Birthday! -April 10th 12. Are they a morning person or a night owl? -She tries to go to bed early but often is too energetic to sleep, so she’ll quietly get back up for a while and read. 13. Is there anything you would have changed about your OC? -Fern is fairly new, so I may tweak some things 14. If you could compare your OC to an animal what would that be? -I’m not really sure yet. Maybe a ram, because that’s her zodiac sign. 15. Give me a description of their family. -Her parents are Plumeria and Guzma, with whom she is very close and looks up to. She’s an only child. 16. Are they good with technology? -She’s pretty good. She’s no expert but she can navigate the world easily. 17. Describe some of their hobbies! -Training her Pokemon and/or training with them (a habit she picked up from Kukui which annoys Guzma to no end), exploring the island, reading. She's also trying to teach herself magic tricks. 18. Describe their sleeping habits. -She tends to sprawl out on her back or stomach, taking up most of the bed and knocking off her toys. She always has to have the blanket that ‘uncle’ Gladion gave her when she was a baby (but she won’t admit it). 19. What are some of their strengths? -Everything Fern does, she gives it her all. She’s intelligent, independent, and strong-willed. She’s also deeply caring about her Pokemon and family. 20. What are some of their weaknesses? -Fern can be stubborn to a fault, is sometimes too independent, refusing help even if she truly needs it, and can let her temper cloud her judgement (which has led to her getting into fights a couple times). 21. Do they suffer any mental disorders? (PTSD/Depression, etc.) -Not really (her temper isn’t bad enough to be an actual issue) 22. Do they have any physical impairments? (Blind/Deaf/Loss of a limb) -Numerous cuts, bruises, and a couple broken bones but nothing permanent. 

[terselylove]

50 Surprisingly Simple Coping Mechanisms To Chase Away Anxiety  by January Nelson  1. A weighted blanket has done wonders for me. It feels like a giant hug. Add some calm acoustic music and about 30 minutes later I am 10x calmer. 2. Going in a bathroom and putting my hands under running water. 3. Confined spaces. It’s easier for me to calm down when my universe is very small. Even just sitting under a blanket can help. 4. Name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can touch, and something you can smell and/or taste. Usually by the end of this your mind has drifted away from whatever anxiety I was having. Remembering to take a deep breath and long exhale helps too. 5. Draw a circle on a pad of paper then place your writing tool in the middle of the circle. For whatever weird reason when I’m not too far gone that actually helps a lot. It’s something my therapist told me a while back and I brushed it off but it helps calm me down. 6. My friend got me out of a panic attack pretty quickly by just having me focus on my hands. Placing them on the table, raising above my head. It re-centers your brain almost like a reboot because for me at least a panic attack is when my anxiety gets so high my brain short circuits and everything is in overdrive. 7. Taking a lap. When I feel like the walls are closing in, I excuse myself from wherever I am and go for a walk around the block to get fresh air and a little exercise. 8. Sleep. My psychiatrist helped me realize that when my anxiety is really bad that it’s related to how little sleep I’ve had. It’s as if my body is too tired to fight the anxiety. Recently when no matter how much sleep I got or xanax I took it still wouldn’t stop, I knew it was time for a daily med change. Just know that it can and will get easier. 9. I usually put on something that would make me laugh. A comedy show or something. I also put on a snuggly sweater or a bathrobe, so I feel comfortable and warm. But what really helps me out is being able to spend time with someone who gets it and will listen and then redirect me. Playing games with my friends has been good for that. 10. Focusing on tightening and relaxing every muscle in my body one at a time. 11. Crying. I know it sounds weird but its instant relief for me. You just gotta let it out. 12. I just think to myself: “But will I die?” The answer is always no. I may be anxious about something, but I know I can get through it. It helps. 13. Here’s a trick you can try. Hold onto the most anxious thought you got in your head right now, and keep asking that thought in your head “so what?” and let that thought constantly explain itself until it runs out of air. For example: “What if your former classmates will mock you if they found out you still lived with your parents?” “So what?” “You’ll never move out of your parents home.” “So what?” “You won’t be able to date anyone properly if you live with parents.” “So what?” “You will die lonely and never experience true love.” “So what?” “If you won’t be loved, you’ll be miserable for the rest of your life.” “So what?” “That would be painful.” “So what?” “…?” “Good.” 14. Being creative, drawing, painting or doing something with your hands helps to take your mind off of what’s causing the anxiety and can be a helpful outlet for getting your emotions out in a healthy way as well. 15. Concentrating on my breath and breathing slowly seems to help me feel more in control of my body and its reaction to the situation. When possible it helps me to try to recall a really happy memory in as much detail as possible: where was I, in relation to what else, what was the weather like that day, what could I smell in that moment, etc. Stepping outside into cool/fresh air also seems to help as well. Anxiety is a bitch, but you certainly aren’t alone. 16. I carry a small rock in my pocket that i fidget with when I get anxious. 17. Remembering that feelings are temporary and whether it’s in a few minutes or hours or tomorrow, I’m gonna feel better than I do right now. 18. Walking and splashing water on my face help. Slowly drinking water helps (this one can be good for crying kids too! It’s hard to cry when you’re drinking and more water isn’t a bad thing.) Cooler air helps me too, for some reason. 19. I do two main things. One is acceptance of suffering, this just means that I accept I have no right to necessarily feel good all the time and suffering/worrying etc. Is part of life. The other is breathing… more specifically, I imagine there is a cup on top of my belly and I want to make it go up and down… this causes more stomach based breathing witch kinda opens my diaphragm more and helps me relax. 20. Square breathing. Out for 4. Hold for 4. In for 4. Hold for 4. Repeat until I feel better. 21. Writing out what I’m feeling. I have a google doc that’s basically an anxiety diary. I write out how I’m feeling, what I think made me feel that way (or simply that my heart is racing and I have no idea why, and that’s okay) and if it’s something I can brainstorm ideas to help, I do that. It’s something just for me so I can be as honest as I need to be. Getting my feelings out and in a place I can see it, contemplate it, organize it better than I could in my head, usually makes me better. 22. Rainymood.com IMO the best site on the internet. Brown noise like rain helps to block out sound and focus me on something. 23. Contextualizing. My therapist taught me to take a step back and try to identify what exactly was making me anxious, then ask myself why. If the brain triggers a fear response to protect you from “harm,” it must have some reasoning to think that response is appropriate. What past experience or knowledge is causing my anxiety to flare up? No trying to change the response, just trying to understand it. The process of analyzing my own reasoning for being anxious soothes my mind and usually reminds me that the world isn’t ending. This often helps to ground me a bit. 24. Kittens. Seriously though. I find cuddling up with one of my three cats can be really calming. Also, reading a book, although that may not be for everyone. 25. Physical puzzle games (like the Eno or a rubiks cube)! They give my brain something to focus on and solve instead of getting stuck in an anxiety spiral. Similarly, embroidery! Mostly just stuff you do with your hands that redirects your brain, I guess. 26. Swimming. I can force myself to focus on just one thing instead of all the things going wrong and might go wrong and should go wrong. The racing thoughts just stop and is replaced with various tasks for myself, ex. “For this lap, just focus on your arms and shoulders, focus on getting a long stretch. For this next lap, focus on just the push from your legs. Okay, your breathing and heart rate are elevated, slow backstroke this lap and just focus on bringing that back down.” 27. Watching a movie – usually fantasy or sci fi…something out of this world that I can focus my attention on. 28. Focusing on my breathing and then if that doesn’t work, physically stepping away/leaving the situation. 29. Focusing on my surroundings. See what colors are near you, shapes, textures. Listen to sounds. Notice the feeling of the air on your skin, the wind or your breath. Try to really notice the things around you. Do that for a good 30 seconds and it usually helps me calm down and makes the racing thoughts stop and gets my breathing back to normal. 30. UCLA free guided meditation audio links. 31. This doesn’t work if it’s unexpected but my anxiety increases hugely the week before my period. Every month I add notes to those days reminding me that it will get better and to breathe and it will pass etc. When I get really anxious I check my calendar and somehow knowing it’s me telling myself these things helps. 32. Not trying to fight it. I’m not sure this works for everyone but just accepting the situation I am in, bringing awareness to the fact that I have been there before and it will pass often helps considerably. It’s when I push back that I start to become manic, it’s much the same with my insomnia spells. Otherwise I just try to focus on my breathing and if there is an invasive thought I just let it ride it’s way through my mind rather than block it out. 33. Cold air or taking a bath. Talking to someone. Reminding myself that I’m in control of how I feel. 34. Music, and video games. Lots, and lots of video games. 35. I have a conversation with myself. I ask why I’m anxious, reasons why I should be anxious, reasons why I shouldn’t, why I’m afraid, how I should deal with it, etc. Then I just give myself a pep talk afterwards and give myself encouragement that everything will be okay and I’m doing my best. Sometimes it works but other times the anxiety is overwhelming so I just acknowledge it’s there and force myself to go on with my day and take deep breaths throughout and try not to get angry. 36. I wet myself with water and then fill a bottle with water and go outside for some fresh air and it helps a lot. 37. Sitting in the shower. 38. Going home. Sometimes it all gets too much and I just need to be in a safe place. Better than that though is being with my boyfriend. When I’m around him it’s as if my anxiety brain can’t match the warmth and love he gives to me. 39. Laying down and watching youtube really helps me personally. 40. Silence and holding perfectly still. The latter is complicated by the need for oxygen, so I breathe as slowly and with as little movement as possible. After a minute or two I can usually segue to deeper breathing and carefully controlled stretching, and then to normal movement again. 41. Say out loud what is causing me anxiety. “Driving through rush hour traffic is awful and is giving me anxiety!” Helps some how. 42. Blocking out as much sound/light/touch as I can do that there aren’t too many stimulants for my brain to freak out about. 43. Definitely deep breathing. Also trying to distract myself by doing basic stuff like counting things around me. 44. Xanax. I am sure I’ll catch a bit of hell for that but I have tried breathing exercises, therapy, SSRIs, CBD, meditation. But when an anxiety attack hits me, only Xanax and 10 to 15 mins by myself is all that works. 45. My wife’s heartbeat. There’s lots of little things that can help, but hearing that works the best. 46. Cleaning and organizing things/rooms. 47. Small, manageable goals. If I’m having a panic attack, I just have to accept that it’s happening and focus on breathing. It will always pass. If it’s looping thoughts or rising anxiety, I try to focus on factual positives. Things are rarely ever as bad as my brain would have be believe. 48. My big, 72-pound, rescue dog. It’s like he just knows when I’m having a hard time and will come lay with me… 49. Meditation and deep breathing. It sounds cliche, I know, but trust me it works. Learn it. 50. I know a lot of times when I’m feeling super anxious about something my brain just flips the “everything is terrible and going wrong and nothing is right” switch, and it’s just a downward spiral. Learning to just let myself feel every emotion, even if I know it’s just the anxiety talking has helped me work through the attacks. Validate yourself and your feeling, let yourself feel whatever your brain is throwing at you, and then when you’re calmer you can sort through the emotions. It’s helped me a lot.

[embracetheapocalypsewithme]

Embracing the Apocalypse, Part 9: 8.5 out of 10

It's Friday the 13th! OoooOOOOooo...Spooky. Let's read some smutty Negan fanfiction and avoid walking under ladders. 

Summary: Negan waits in his room for Julie to arrive, but gets a surprise instead. How many minutes late will Julie be? Will Rebecca care that he stood her up?

Word count: 2,819

Warnings: Smut, Negan, Negan being Negan, Comic Negan being Comic Negan, light angst, feelings, and humour-induced boners.

Part 1: The Tale of Thelma Facefuck

Part 2: What’s Up, Doc?

Part 3: A Successful Job Interview Begins with a Firm Handshake and Ends with a Salty Surprise

Part 4: A Crack in Everything

Part 5: Sorting Duty Sucks

Part 6: A Faint Whiff of Bullshit in the Air

Part 7: Turn and Face the Strange

Part 8: Poor Life Choices

Part 9: 8.5 out of 10

Part 10: No Plan

Part 11: Negan Settles Rebecca’s Hash

Part 12: I know Where That Hand Has Been, Negan

Part 13: Gimme Danger

Part 14: The Loneliest Hours of the Morning

Part 15: Well, Fuck You Too, Kitty!

Part 16: That Escalated Quickly

Part 17: Well Fuck Me Gently with a Chainsaw

Part 18: Shards of Glass

Part 19: Donkey Heaven

Part 20: Morphine Dream

Part 21: Promises to Keep

Part 22: Are You a Killer?

Part 23: That the Hill You Want to Die On?

Part 24: Keeping Up Appearances

Part 25: Bird on a Wire

You can also read my work on Archive of Our Own: http://archiveofourown.org/works/8807527/chapters/21108077

Part 9: 8.5 out of 10

Negan ate dinner alone in his room before tidying up as he prepared for his guest. At 7pm, for a brief and crazy moment, he thought about waiting outside of the cafeteria just to see if Rebecca actually would show up, and then decided that it was a stupid idea. His ego couldn’t take the rejection.

(of course she won’t come. and the next time you see her, her eyes will be full of fear and hate just like everyone else’s)

Pushing the intrusive thoughts away, he tried to focus on Julie. He thought about soft skin, silky red hair, her long legs wrapped around him…he thought about her bright, green eyes –

(no! blue eyes,you fucking idiot. julie has blue eyes)

What the hell was taking her so long?

(leave it to julie to be late. probably slept until mid-afternoon, knowing her)

Finally, there was a knock at the door; he glanced at the clock on the wall. 7:28pm. He’d seen worse from her, but this was pretty late. He grumbled under his breath and marched to the door, annoyed at her tardiness. 

Grabbing the knob and swinging it open, he began his tirade, “Jesus, if I’d known you’d be so late, I would have-“ His famously loud mouth was silenced by confused green eyes staring at him from the doorway.

“I’m late? Seriously, dude?! I waited for you for 15 goddamn minutes before I finally stopped someone and got them to tell me where you live!” 

Rebecca’s cheeks were flushed red with anger and he could tell that she had probably prepared this speech on her way to his room. She continued her tirade:

“I don’t even know what I’m doing here anyway. I have a zero-fucking-tolerance policy for being stood up. I was gonna cut you a bit of slack because we don’t have cell phones now, and maybe something came up…And it seems like that’s the case...So, who were you waiting for, Negan?”

“I…” he was utterly at a loss for words.

“You?” she tilted her head to the left dramatically.

“I didn’t think you’d come.”

“Why not? Is there something that you think maybe you should tell me?”

“Fuck it. You already know. I know he told you.”

“Ryan? Yep, he did. He told me all about you, Negan. Everything.”

“Yeah, I bet he did,” Negan mumbled, the blood was rushing through his veins and thudding in his ears.

“Did you really think I wouldn’t find out about you eventually? I mean, that’s a lot of shit to hide. When were you going to tell me about the torture, or the fucking barbed wire bat, or any of it?” her eyes were trained straight on his, but showed no fear or hate, only disappointment and hurt, “I don’t like feeling stupid. I don’t like being lied to.”

“I didn’t mean to lie to you. I just didn’t want you to fucking hate me like everyone else does.”

“I see where you’re coming from, but isn’t that kind of for me to decide on my own?”

“So, why the fuck did you come here? Just to fuck with me? Or to yell at me?”

She paused for a moment, appearing to choose her words carefully. “Well, I’ll tell you exactly what I told Ryan: None of us have survived this long without some blood on our hands. I’ve definitely done some things that I’d rather forget about, haven’t you?” she paused, “That was a rhetorical question, by the way, I know you have...And even though you weren’t forthcoming about your history, I can understand that it might be hard to talk about. I get that.”

“So?”

She sighed, “So, from what I’ve gathered, you’ve changed. I’ve never seen ‘Lucille’ in person, and you definitely haven’t done anything shitty to Ryan yet to punish him, even though he clearly pissed you off today, so maybe you’ve learned from your mistakes.”

“Fuck. I don’t know. I guess I must have,” he said thoughtfully.

“Good. Because I do believe in second chances. Particularly since we’re all living in such…interesting times...”

Rebecca's eyes were downcast as if remembering something she would rather leave forgotten. Her tone softened as she spoke her next words:

“Plus, you’re the first person I’ve interacted with since…” she trailed off, reconsidering her words, “…for a very long time who’s managed to make me forget that the world ended. That’s special.”

“No shit?”

“No shit. I like talking to you. I’d like to get to know you, if you’re willing to be honest with me for a fucking minute and stop trying to manipulate the situation.”

“Sure. I’m sorry. Just, most people aren’t quite as forgiving…”

“I mean, maybe if I had lived here before, like these other people, I would feel differently. But I’m new. I have no history with you. Not yet anyway. Also...I’m pretty fucking cool,” she grinned and took a step toward him.

He could smell her now, something floral with just a hint of baby powder. It caused his breath to catch in his throat, “That you most certainly fucking are.”

She took another step forward so that they were inches apart. She stood more than a foot shorter than he did, so her head was at a steep angle to meet his gaze. She smiled up at him with a less-than-innocent look in her eyes.

“So, are you just going to stand there staring at me, or are you gonna fuckin’ kiss me already?”

Another wave of lust hit, bypassing his common sense. Without being conscious of it, he let out a low growl and practically launched himself at her, bringing their mouths together roughly. He felt her moan against his lips as the kiss deepened. Her hands were on his shoulders, then chest, finally moving to his hips.

As the kiss ended, she looked up at him with a smirk, “Not bad. Not bad at all. 8.5 out of 10!”

“8.5? I think I need to improve on my technique. I’m out of practice.”

“Lucky for you, I happen to be a certified trainer for these kinds of things, so-“

Her words were cut off by a shrill voice from the room’s doorway, “What the fuck, Negan? Seriously?!”

Rebecca jerked away from him and spun around to see the tall, lean redhead who had finally decided to make an appearance. Julie was late, as always, but she had kept her word. Unfortunately.

                                                        ***

“Oh. Fuck. Shit, fuck…just…sorry,” Rebecca stammered as she backed away from Negan, her face white and eyes wide, “I’m an idiot.”

“Wait, this looks bad. This is bad. But I can explain. Kind of,” Negan started, but Rebecca cut him off.

“No. No need. I get it,” she looked at Julie, “Of course; she’s the one you’re waiting for. I can’t say I blame you. Good job. Nice… I should go.”

“It’s not like that, Rebecca. Honestly.”

“Then what is it like?” her tone became a hard, sharp diamond blade and her eyes flared even wider. He had no response, and after a moment she turned murmuring, “That’s what I thought.” 

As Rebecca walked past Julie and out the door she called over her shoulder to them: “Don’t worry about me. I just feel stupid. Bye.”

Practically running down the hallway to her room, her heart beat in time with the rapid footfalls. With every beat she thought:

(stupid!...stupid!...stupid!...stupid!...how!...could!...you!...be!...so!...fuck!...ing!...stupid!...)

She finally made it to her room, breathing heavily. Slumping to the bed, she sat cross-legged, head lowered, trying to slow her breathing.

(take a deep breath. hold. release. repeat. keep going)

“Stupid, stupid, stupid!” she said under her breath.

(of course he wouldn’t go for me when he has girls like that around. did you see her? she was fucking gorgeous! i’d hit that, and i only slept with girls for that one semester in college...)

She laid back on the bed with a deep sigh and closed her eyes, trying to forget that this terrible day had ever happened. She started to doze off, her body beginning to feel heavy and tingly as sleep was just at the doorstep. She didn’t know how long she was in that twilight phase before there was a soft, tentative rapping at her door.

(…quoth the raven, “nevermore!”…)

She groaned, annoyed at being woken up, “Go away!”

“Rebecca?” Negan’s voice was much softer than usual, with a totally uncharacteristic apologetic tone, “Can we talk?”

“There’s really nothing to talk about,” her tone harsh and cold.

“Oh, come on, Fuckface. Don’t be like that. I thought you were a cool bitch. At least let me explain about how I’m a fucking moron.”

“Can’t you just let me wallow in my embarrassment for a while?”

“Nah. That’s no fun. Besides, I brought you a present.”

She sighed, resigned to the fact that he wasn’t going to leave her alone until she let him in, and intrigued at this present, “Fine. But this had better be good.”

Rubbing her eyes, she trudged from the bed to the door and swung it open. Negan was waiting for her to respond to his knocks in the hallway, but didn’t make any motion to enter the room until she grudgingly said, “Come inside. I can’t have you standing outside my room like this. What would the neighbours say?”

He had removed his leather jacket and was wearing only a pair of dark pants and his usual white t-shirt. Through her annoyance with his antics, Rebecca was still able to note how good he looked with nothing but white cotton stretched over his chest and broad shoulders.

(damn, that shirt is tight in the best possible way…)

(calm the fuck down, lady! we’re still pissed at him)

“Can I sit down?” he asked softly.

(well, at least he knows that he fucked up)

Rebecca didn’t answer, but made an “I-don’t-fucking-care!-Technically-you-own-this-mattress-pad-don’t-you?” gesture. Negan sat down, his shoulders slumping forward slightly. Rebecca remained standing with her arms folded across her chest, her body rigid.

“So,” Negan began, “I’m a fucking moron.”

“Mm-hmm,” replied Rebecca. She had learned long ago that if you kept your mouth shut for a little longer than was comfortable, sometimes people were more forthcoming with their thoughts.

“Like I said before, I thought that after you found out who I am, and what I’ve done, you weren’t going to show up. And that kind of…” he trailed off, searching for a verb, “…sucked.”

“Ok.”

“I don’t know, I guess I was pissed, and I wanted someone to make me feel good about myself again. And I know Julie. She’s not fucking afraid of me,” he paused again as if in thought, “She doesn’t really like me either. She just hates working more than she hates having my dick in her…”

Rebecca cringed slightly.

“Sorry, that was meant to be comforting,” he continued, “Can you just say something? I hate this one-word answer shit.”

“Fine,” she sighed, “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed. I don’t like mind games. And I fucking hate being lied to. Even if it’s by omission.”

“Fair enough.”

“But at the end of the day, who you put your dick in is none of my business, and you really don’t owe me an apology. I just feel stupid. That’s all.”

“Well, I guess I’m kind of making it your fucking business, whether you like it or not. Julie was one of my wives. I had a lot of wives before the war.”

Rebecca’s face remained stern, “I know.”

“Yeah, that prick told you. Ryan.”

“He did, but I knew before that. Figured it out the first day I met you.”

His eyebrows rose at this, “Oh really? And how did you do that?”

She briefly considered lying to him so as not to incriminate Pencil-Dick, but her spitefulness got the better of her, “The guy who interviewed me for job placements. He said I would have made a great wife for you back in the day, on account of my slutty attire,” she snapped one of her tank top straps to emphasize her point, “According to him, the two things I’m good at are sorting shit and...I’m paraphrasing here...spreading my legs for you.”

“Motherfucker,” Negan’s expression morphed from surprise to rage in a matter of seconds.

“Whatever. Like I said, the guy’s a prick. I’m not worried about it. I know who I am. But I wish he would have at least given me a chance to do something more than sort shit.”

“What did you want to do if he hadn’t been a prick to you?”

“I don’t know. He mentioned garden duty. I guess I might be ok at that,” she thought for a moment and then said, “What I was really good at out there, before I came here, was scavenging. I was pretty great at it actually. Finding things and thinking of new places to try looking was my speciality. I think it kept us going on our own a lot longer than most,” her eyes sparkled with pride at this memory.

“Us?” he asked, “Who were you with? I thought you were alone out there.”

“I don’t really want to talk about that right now,” she gazed at the floor.

“Ok. I’ll see what I can do,” he said earnestly.

She brought her eyes up to meet his, “Thanks. I mean, I didn’t say that to get a different position. I mostly just wanted to make you mad at that asshole interviewer for being so rude to me. Maybe rough him up a little?” she considered her previous words and added, “That last part was a joke.”

“I know,” he fell into a thoughtful silence again before continuing, “Look, the brutal truth is that I’m not really a good guy. I’m actually kind of an asshole, in case you haven’t noticed yet.”

“This is the sound of no one disagreeing with you,” she smirked and then fell silent to make her point.

“Yeah, well, after 40-ish years of assholery, it’s not looking so fucking good for any sudden mid-life changes. Just so you’re aware.”

Rebecca snorted at this, “No shit. Trust me, after spending the better part of my early 20s dating jerks, I’m well aware that people don’t change unless they want to change. I’m not in it to change anyone. Whatever ‘it’ is. What is ‘it’ anyway?”

“I haven’t the fucking foggiest. I was going to ask you the same question,” he chuckled.

“I don’t fucking know either. Except that I like talking to you. Even when you’re being a loud, obnoxious lout.”

“Lout?” he chuckled, “O-fucking-k, Charles Dickens.”

“Don’t get snarky just because I’ve got a bigger vocabulary than you do,” she chided, “Anyway, the take away message here is that I enjoy your company."

“And?” Negan gave her a knowing smile.

“And what?”

“I didn’t hear any complaints about that kiss earlier. I think it’s more than just my fucking company you enjoy.”

“I only gave you 8.5 out of 10. Don’t get a big head,” she sighed with annoyance as he began to snicker at her choice of words, “That was not a double entendre, by the way. You lout! Anyway…yes, you do look very good sitting on my bed in that slutty, tight t-shirt of yours.”

Negan’s face lit up at this, “Fucking awesome! I knew it!”

“Ugh! It is so unsexy that you’re jazzed by that.”

“I can’t fucking hear you! My head’s swelling…both of them!”

“Gross. Stop!” she cried, but a giggle had crept into her voice and she was clearly trying to hide a smile that wanted to crack her stony face open.

“I saw that! You were trying not to fucking smile. You think I’m fucking funny as shit!”

“Fuck. That was the number one thing Ryan warned me about with you.”

Negan’s eyes darkened, “What? What did the fucker say?”

“He said: ‘Never, under any circumstances, laugh at his jokes. It just encourages him to make more. And they get progressively more disgusting every time.’”

“Ha! He’s not wrong. God damn, I really am getting hard. I think I could hammer nails with this thing. Who knew someone laughing at my jokes was what did it for me.”

“Seriously?” she asked, glancing down to examine the bulge in his pants that was indeed growing, “That is the weirdest fetish I have ever heard of. What the fuck?”

“Take it or leave it, baby,” he said putting his arms behind his head and reclining back onto the bed.

“Oh my god…” her arms lowered from the position across her chest, “I guess I’ll take it.”

“Fuck yeah!” he reached out with both of his massive hands and grabbed her around the waist, pulling her into him so her breasts were pushed up against his face.

“Wait! No! Not tonight! I’m still kind of pissed,” she wigged out of his grasp.

“Oh, shit. I got excited. Sorry.”

“Clearly. Now, there’s one last thing to attend to before I kick your ass out of here,” she said.

“What’s that?”

Her face fell and her eyes took on a serious expression, “There was talk of a present, was there not?