#“that hurts actually” when he misunderstood as saying they would hate their task to be talking to him

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The hill I will die on is that LastLife!Etho (and Etho more generally) worries so much about rules and that's the reason some people think that he comes across as 'uncaring', especially when it comes to giving Bdubs his life. In episode 5, he tells Cleo he can't just give her the brewing stand - he can't just give things to red lifes, it has to be a deal. He is happy to make the deal for Bdubs to sign Scar's book to get him a life, and then executes the boogey kill (arguing that he didn't break any contract), and Then signs Scar's book himself. He goes on to argue that 'The Boogeyman took the enchanter' but when Scar counters that Etho was cured upon the kill so that's untrue, Etho backs down. He talks about rules and technicalities and he loves to play the game but he wants to find loopholes, not break rules.

That's why he hesitates to give Bdubs his life later on. All alliances with reds are cut, so he can't give anything to Bdubs without something in return. And yes he's a survivor yes he bends to the whims of others but he does care. He was the one out there working to get Bdubs back on yellow, and he was willing to make enemies to do it if he had to. He never fully trusts Bdubs and he vocalises that after he sees BigB kill Cleo ("it's always the ones you least expect") but he does care. He does.

[alirhi]

Loki ranting

Okay. I had this thought in my head of like just compiling links of all the Loki shit I've posted/reblogged so far so that when I get into a conversation about the show and how it fucking disgusted me, I can just be like "here. here's this masterlist post, go read all this shit. This is my entire argument, and not only mine, but a lot of stuff posted by people far more intelligent and level-headed and eloquent than I am, whom I happen to agree with." Because the alternative is constantly getting fired up all over again, and that is exhausting.

BUT! I'm stupid and don't know how tumblr works. Apparently I can't just be like "give me all the Loki-tagged shit I've got" I can only search all the Loki-tagged shit on all of tumblr. And I'm not scrolling back through all of my posts. I talk too fucking much for that shit 😂

So, I'll try to remember all of my grievances with how the MCU has treated Loki, and all of the excellent posts made by other, equally upset fans, and put it all together here under this nice, neat little cut for everyone else's sanity and scrolling convenience...

For people who actually read my shit fairly regularly - bless you, you crazy, patient people. I love you! - this is going to be a lot of repetition of shit you've already read. Probably at least twice. I'm passionate and I have a terrible memory lol. Sorry.

Anyway, first, for those who don't know me and haven't been following my explosions of rage for the past couple of months, some quick background: I do not read comic books, so Loki's Marvel comic canon means nothing to me. I know almost nothing about it. The reason I'm so in love with the character in the MCU is because I am an eclectic witch and the deity I've actively loved and worshiped the longest in my life (literally for as long as I can remember) is Loki. So when he was mentioned in The Mask, I squeed. When they named Matt Damon's character after him in Dogma, I cheered.

When Thor came out in 2011, I just about died from happiness. I was hungry for any representation of this underappreciated god, no matter what it was. I didn't even bitch about how underpowered he was, because at least he was there. But I'm getting slightly ahead of myself.

I can hear anyone reading this going "Why Loki? Isn't he, like, evil? Like basically the Norse version of The Devil?" Because I heard all this shit irl all the fucking time. And no. So let me give you a quick rundown of who Loki actually is.

Loki is a Trickster God. He's often referred to as the God of Mischief. He is not and never was evil, simply chaotic and hedonistic. Loki Laufeyjarson was the son of Laufey (that's mama; they changed her to a man for some reason in the movie) and Fárbauti. Right from the start, from his name, we get a sign of how Loki goes against traditional norms of the time, because in Norse culture, families were patrilineal, and surnames were "son/daughter of father" (which would have made him Loki Fárbautitason), not the mother. But Loki's surname is matrilineal. Feminist icon woo! lol

Though he's a Jotunn, Loki is counted among the Gods (Aesir) in Norse tradition. Depending on his mood, he is alternately helpful or disruptive to the other Gods. I'm not gonna sit and teach a whole text class on him lol but I'll use my favorite example of Misunderstood Loki - the conception of Sleipnir!

So, get this shit. This is also part of why I DO NOT follow Odin and never fucking will (a very small part, but still part of the reason). So, the other Norse Gods are petty motherfuckers, and they wanted some shit built but didn't want to pay the dude doing the building. So they were like "okay, if you can get it done in X amount of time, we'll pay you, but if you can't manage it NO MATTER WHAT, this whole thing is free." And they made sure he had NO help, nothing but him, his materials, and his Very Good Horsey. And this guy and his horse were fucking BAMFs. So it was looking like he was definitely gonna get it done in time, and Odin was like "nah, fuck that shit. I'm cheap." and so he sent Loki to distract the work horse. Loki transformed into a mare and lured the horse away, got fucked, got pregnant, gave birth to the 8-legged (for some reason) horse Sleipnir. Odin rides Loki's son into battle. Um. Kay.

So Loki helped Odin be a petty mf, and Odin got himself a new pet out of the deal.

Oh, also, because he's smart af and a shapeshifter and a master magician and genderfluid, Loki "fails" to fit the super fucking toxic and narrow Norse/Aesir view of "a real man". He prefers intelligence and manipulation to solve problems rather than violence, he's not afraid to behave like a clown if it gets shit done, and that grosses the Aesir out, so they constantly ridicule him for being "less than a man".

Loki is the God of the outcast and the misunderstood. The marginalized people from all walks of life. He is the God of the LGBT community. In modern terms, he's pansexual, polyamorous (married to Sigyn and they are deeply in love, but boy gets around and I've never seen any indication that Sigyn gives a shit) and genderfluid.

Okay. Focus, Ali. This is part of why I usually post multiple rants instead of one big long one XD The longer I ramble, the more I get sidetracked and forget the original point.

So. Loki's awesome, and being a Trickster, is powerful as all fucking hell. There's not much he can't do.

And now we come to Thor (the movie, not the deity). Loki's there! 24-year-old Ali is spazzing! All is right with the world!

Oh lord, they've actually done him justice?! Amazing! He's complex and nuanced and emotional, just like the real Loki! I loved this movie. Loved. It. The climactic thing with trying to blow up Jotunheim never really made much sense to me until someone made an excellent point the other day about Loki being raised in a racist society that was racist against his own race, he just didn't know it yet, poor child. Baby Thor was never corrected when he pledged to commit mass genocide, so Baby Loki probably absorbed the lesson then that Jotunns=evil and killing them all will win his father's love. Anyway, 2011 Loki was a beautiful, heartbreaking portrayal of the God I've loved all my life and spent 24 years longing to see depicted on the big screen.

Then The Avengers happened. And I saw another Loki very close to Norse mythology - mainly, how he's treated. In the beginning of the movie, he's sick, exhausted, and in pain. He can hardly stand, he stumbles and needs help when he walks. He was very obviously tortured, and the sickly blue light of the scepter's control is in his eyes. That gets less and less pronounced as the movie goes on, showing Loki working his way free of it, but in the beginning, he's a mess. Because he was tortured and used by Thanos. Marvel directly confirmed this, and that he was under the scepter's/Mind Stone's control. Loki's actions are not his own in The Avengers. He's under both threat and Thanos' direct control. The movie actually shows The Other directly threatening him to keep him on task, because this is not Loki's plan. It is not what he wants. He's being used and villainized... Just like in real life. It hurt to see this done to him, but the accuracy was too beautiful to ignore.

Thor: The Dark World comes out. I've heard people complain that this movie is the weak link in the Thor trilogy. I disagree. I think that's Ragnarok, for a bunch of reasons, but we'll get there. (And for the record, I loved Ragnarok, too. It was a funny movie. Infinity War and the Disney+ series are the only portrayals of Loki in the MCU that I truly fucking hated.) Anyway, good, fun movie. Had its faults, as all movies do, but it still followed Loki's real-life arc in a way. How? By having Loki dragged back to Asgard in chains and imprisoned underground. Again, not super happy that this happened to my love, and having to see it on screen was painful, but at least in the MCU he's not chained to a rock with venom dripping on his face for eternity, so there's that. (poor Sigyn. how tired do her arms get, holding up that bowl? best wife ever, amirite?)

In TDW, we're shown Loki's love for Frigga, who favored him and taught him magic as a child. We see his bravado; his attempts to mask his true feelings, especially grief. We see him slowly coming back to himself after the events of The Avengers, and slowly mending his relationship with his brother. He accepts that Odin will likely never love him, but Thor just might, because they were close when they were young. "I didn't do it for him." No, no my sweet, you did it for your brother, and a little out of guilt for what happened to your mother.

At the end, Loki fakes his death and escapes, taking the throne, and I have mixed feelings about this. Not the writer's choices here; I love that completely! A natural progression in Loki's story. But my joy is tainted by how closely they're following the Eddas now. Because Loki's escape from his prison heralds the beginning of Ragnarok. And Loki will die in Ragnarok. I don't want to see that play out in front of my face. I won't be able to handle the grief (spoiler alert! IW broke me. I almost walked out of the theater. Loki's death was legitimately fucking traumatic for me. I don't even care how pathetic that is. That grief was real, it was intense, and I still shake and cry when I think about it.)

Marvel announces that Thor 3 will be called Ragnarok. The internet treats this as a shocking revelation. I roll my eyes and mumble "duh" to myself and move on XD

Then they say Ragnarok will be a buddy comedy. I throw up a little in my mouth and no longer want to live on this planet. If they're going to make something called Ragnarok, could they at least treat it with even a fraction of the respect they've shown these characters thusfar? Jfc. I mean, I'll see it anyway, because I'm a whore for Tom Hiddleston lol. But come on, people!

I hated that they made Hel the long-lost older sister and Fenrir her fucking pet/attack dog. Those are my favorites of Loki's children! Hel is such an incredible badass that the early Christians named their dimension of eternal torture after her! They were terrified of her, to the point of naming the place that terrified them most after her. That's awesome! And Fenrir's just the best. I love wolves. Those two details, and Odin's retcon of "we're not Gods! ...lol, except your sister. she's totally a Goddess. and def gonna kill literally everything, so... good luck! byyyeeeee" pissed me off royally.

The rest was great. I genuinely liked this movie. Still do. And they finally used The Immigrant Song! That was pretty cool. If they'd thrown in Bring the Hammer Down and Thunderstruck, I might've called this movie perfect. XD

I wasn't totally in love with their portrayal of Loki in Ragnarok. Yes, the falling for 30 minutes line was funny, as was "I have to get off this planet" and "YES! That's how it feels!" And "Get Help" was funny as hell. But also, like... There is no way Loki would have been the dumb one in that first encounter with Hela. Also, he can teleport and project copies of himself and shit, so... He would not have been that desperate to go straight back to Asgard and bring her right along with them. Loki's not stupid. But whatever. Movie's gotta movie.

What I did love was seeing the slow mending of his relationship with Thor continuing, and the badass fighting on the bridge. I also loved that, like Real Loki, Movie Loki helped when help was needed, was quick and clever, and while he was carrying out the main plan, he was also planning ahead and grabbing the Tesseract. Yes, that drew Thanos right to them, but that's a whole other thing. Loki never would have left that thing on Asgard to be destroyed or lost.

And now Infinity War. Hooooly fucking shit. You know what? No. I'm not going into this. He was killed, years of character growth were erased forever, my heart fucking shattered. The end.

Endgame. IW hurt me so bad I didn't see Endgame until this year. I actually watched Civil War first (for context: I had actively avoided all Cap movies until this year because I fucking hate Steve Rogers. I find him insufferable. Did not realize what I was denying myself until I watched CW and finally saw the charms of Bucky. When he appeared in IW, I was so lost. XD I was like "...who dis? Murder Jesus?" also I just... didn't care. I was numb by then from crying through most of the movie over Loki)

So, anyway. Endgame. Loki picks up the Tesseract in alternate 2012, escapes, fans go "yay! he didn't actually die!" I go "yes he fucking did. Five years of his life, gone. Five years of growth and change, erased. Loki is dead. This will not be the same."

I was more right than I could have predicted. Now we come to the point of this rant. Sorry it took so long, but you were warned lol.

The Loki series makes me so angry I actually get sick to my stomach. It was fucking TRASH. When I praised Marvel for following Norse mythology so faithfully earlier? Yeah. I DID NOT MEAN TREAT HIM THE WAY THE OTHER GODS DID. I did not mean paint him as a pitiful clown, a joke, a caricature of who he truly was, with his pain and suffering played for LAUGHS.

This is supposed to be 2012 Loki, newly freed from Thanos' control. The Loki we saw in the beginning of TDW - snarky, exhausted, nihilistic. The Loki who rolled his eyes and said "get on with it" expecting to be killed.

The bumbling clown flipping on a dime from posturing to calling himself weak is not 2012 Loki. That is not ANY Loki. That is Tom Hiddleston in a black wig doing what he's told by a shitty writer who had no fucking idea what he was doing and was salty about his (bad) original script (for something totally fucking unrelated) getting killed.

In Episode 1, Loki is mocked, imprisoned, stripped against his will, tormented, belittled, and given a flippant summary of all the trauma Actual MCU Loki suffered that this one skipped out on, with no context, no acknowledgement of the trauma he's already lived quite fucking recently, and with the narrative twisted to not only erase all the abuse he's suffered, but to make it all his fault. And this is supposed to make him want to help these people?

And worse, IT FUCKING WORKS. WHAT?! I CAN'T- FUCKING WHAT?! Remember when I said LOKI IS NOT FUCKING STUPID?! So why is he STUPID?

Episode 2, he's a child. Mentally, this Loki is a fucking child. Now we've erased all the growth and development of his entire adult life. He's dopey, impatient, impulsive, desperate for a pat on the back and actually shows it. Yes, abused and neglected children crave the positive attention we never received, and we often grow up to be a bit emotionally stunted. But not all of us, and not Loki. Not as we've seen him EVER in the rest of the MCU. Playful and a bit callous at times? Absolutely! But not a big dumb fucking puppy.

Episode 3, a ray of hope, despite Sylvie! (I hate Sylvie) Loki casually admits he's pan/bi; labels never come up, but he admits to being with both men and women! He sings! Not really relevant to whether I approve of his portrayal or not lol but Tom has a beautiful voice, Norwegian ("Asgardian" lol) is a gorgeous, entrancing language, and I could watch that one bit on loop for eternity and never get bored. And then, finally, we see a glimpse - a glimpse - of Loki's power! He stops a falling building and pushes it right back up! Are we finally getting to see what he can really do? Will the next episode bring us Loki in all his glory?

Nope. 4 and 5 we see him mocked and pushed around and utterly irrelevant. Again. We see tiny reflections of what he could maybe theoretically do in other random Loki variants, but the "main" (lawl. main. it was the Sylvie and Mobius show. Loki was never the main anything.) Loki? Nothing. He wears his heart on his sleeve for no reason, bonds with the man who imprisoned, taunted, and gaslit him, is killed, and continues to be a moron and a joke. Always the clown. Always the dumb one. The one with the bad ideas. The inferior Loki.

Don't even get me started on that finale. I can't. This already took so much out of me. Fuck Marvel. Fuck this fucking show. I just... I'm done.

[life-rewritten]

The doomed futility of Sisyphus; Sisyphus The Myth Kdrama Analysis

Before we start this analysis, I did have a lot of help getting to understand what's happening in this show especially the logical rules of time travelling, due to this website bitchesoverdrama, we have a great community over there we talk about shows and comment our thoughts and the way packmule sees things in shows is so inspiring. So even though this is my theory it is based of her own theories and opinions on what's going on in the show. 

Sisyphus The Myth Ep 1-4

Let's talk about Sisyphus. The Korean drama that everyone seems to have something to say, mostly negative because they don't understand where the storyline is going, and because of that frustration of lack of understanding, they go to insults, and annoyance, and lack of patience to wait it out, they call the show ridiculous with it's terrible directing and also outlandish action scenes and unreasonable logic. The first mistake these people made is going into this show, thinking it was a logical sci-fi. There is another show where people have mistaken a mystery fantasy plot (as the writers announced it was, in an interview)  for sci-fi because it includes scientific rules sometimes and discusses time travel. Do you the know the show? It's The king's Eternal Monarch. So because logical people have it out for writers using specific sci-fi plotlines to write a romantic mystery show; that doesn't actually base its self on the realism or logic of the science they expected, people call these stories dumb; they say it's ridiculous and should not have been done. And it's hard for people like me who completely gets bored at the idea of a sci-fi show, I'm not logical. Let's first get that out of the way; I won't be calculating mass, and time, and velocity and use maths and science as a base for my analysis.  In fact, I usually run away from anything to do with sci-fi. But there's something funny about this, that with TKEM and now Sisyphus, mystery fantasies that do incorporate a piece of the sci-fi genre, actually make me enjoy them. 

Perhaps it could be argued that it's because I'm not smart and I like ridiculous things, I only want romance with shitty writing, and maybe that's it. However, I disagree, what I see in these stories are a different sort of basis; instead of relying on scientific logic rules, or whatever is seen as appropriate in a sci-fi plotline, they use meta; they use other things to make their world mean something. For TKEM, it was literature and fairytales, and stories, and for Sisyphus actually named after the  Greek myth, it's the same. In order to understand where a show is going when it uses a literature base, you have to first understand the source. What is the source saying? Why have they chosen this source to tell this story? But people clock out and don't want to wait, aren't connected to the characters enough to care, or just plain detest anything that doesn't follow a specific set of logical rules, and that's fine; you're allowed to like or want whatever you want to see on TV, it's your experience, but  for the others who do want a show that is maybe deeper, interesting, laced with a good plot and love story that is sad, futile and also romantic, then I would suggest Sisyphus being for you. This isn't going to have a lot of support, and I already know this. Still, I do want to write about this show and explain why I'm into it because it has everything I like, a mysterious plot, fantasy/sci-fi elements, and a romance that is very angsty but also very deep. The show's director maybe not be as great as the others before him, but I think he's doing an okay job showcasing what he wants from the story. So yes, Sisyphus has so many scientific questions to ponder about, but I want to get rid of all that and focus on the bare bones of the story. How does this myth connect to this story, and why does it foreshadow how good this plot could be? This doesn't mean, this plot will be great because it all depends on the directing and writing skills, I'm not familiar with their work and with the director. I don't particularly care a lot about what he offers. But I know how he makes shows, I know the themes he's into and from this myth analysis, this show is definitely up his alley. So for now, I'll keep enjoying it and analysing, but it doesn't mean I think it's the best thing ever to exist in this genre. Okay, now we have that out of the way; let's learn about Greek Mythology, shall we? 

An Introduction to a Genius

So who or what is Sisyphus? When I hear about Sisyphus, I think about the guy who tried to run away from d*ath but ended up being captured by Zeus for even trying to think he could do that. He ends up basically with this painful task of constantly rolling a boulder uphill. In a way, it's depressing AF, and it really holds this theme of futility and punishment. So it's interesting to see we have a character who is being punished for his brains and his cunningness to evade situations and save people, and it seems unfair that he gets this ending. It also makes me worry about Tae Sul, our main character in Sisyphus the myth, who begins the first episode evading d*ath by saving tons of people on a plane and then also wanting to revert a specific family member's demise that he feels guilty about. Taesul is just as smart and cunning as Sisyphus; he uses his skills, his brain and his talent to help people. So it's a bit disturbing because already from looking at him, it's unfortunate he's destined for a futile, sad ending; he's destined to be punished by powers be, for being an obstacle. And will you have it, the whole plot revolves around him being chased by people who want to get rid of him because it seems he's found a way to prevent d*ath and prolong the lifespan of the people he loves. What a surprise. Honestly, it's that simple; the boulder represents him having to take on weight constantly because of his actions and live with that repeatedly being chased by the thing he tried to avoid. The episodes scream that it's because he tried to bring back his brother from the past, but the thing is, there's more to the myth of Sisyphus than just this outline. So before we can truly understand the big picture and where this plot is, we need to truly go back and understand the real story of Sisyphus, the myth. 

Let's go back. So yes, Sisyphus is cunning, smart, witty, he has many moments since he's apparently a king, royal full of influence and power. He really cares about protecting people, including himself, yet the way people see him is actually harmful. They see him as childish, sneaky, heartless and a player. Surprise. The thing is, this is precisely how we are introduced to Taesul. He's a big flirt, a big child who complains and acts immaturely with his company. He's someone of influence, in fact, significant impact; so much money and prominence, and yet he doesn't seem like he cares about anything. So yes, you can understand why people have a wrong perspective of our Sisyphus. However, he doesn't want to care about anything because he's self-destructive, broken by the guilt of letting pride, money and greed stop him from preventing his brother from being eliminated.

 And it's something that lives with him every day; in fact, he's dependent on self-medication to get rid of the haunting figment of his brother. Now he says he doesn't care about people and others, but we know he's lying; he's clearly someone who's destined to protect, he does care even when he acts nonchalant, for example, saving a whole plane from crashing and hurting people, especially when he has said he is waiting and has been excited to leave the world, if he were selfish he would have let the plane crash, he didn't care as he said, but something in him still went back and provided the solution to help. 

So this is really vital, this idea of Sisyphus being misunderstood by people in a way he's actually with a saviour complex, he protects, and he saves people with what he has yet even his actions are deemed evil or selfish or a natural disaster for them. So again, it's obvious the plot is based on whatever he has done to create this apocalyptic future we see in the show that is being misunderstood. The people who are out to get him are seeing him and hating him when in reality, it's obvious this was meant to better the world/ also himself because as much as Sisyphus has a saviour complex, it doesn't mean he's selfless; in fact, he's a very selfish character, he'll put his own needs above the world at times. This is where Taesul will make a mistake. Because for him, his only goal is to bring back his brother, even when warned he shouldn't, even when there are hints that him unveiling the truth will lead to suffering and the end of the world as we know it, it's still all he wants to do. Is it just that though? I'm getting ahead of my self I still need to break down this myth. 

The Problem with Cunningness

So Sisyphus is someone with cunningness, knowledgeable and powerful, so when the first time he sees an opportunity to get rid of this thing we call mortality for people (not just him), he's punished when the gods aren't happy. Especially the god of war himself, Ares, who is frustrated at Sisyphus for chaining de*ath,  Ares is upset; he is annoyed that Sisyphus is getting in his way, making people lose the meaning of war, what's the fun of war if no one is being removed? Which is interesting because we also find out in Sisyphus that Taesul's actions and mistakes and his own demise will lead to a war that will end everything and some organisation isn't happy they were at the losing end of that war. They hated the result of Taesul being alive to either cause or prevent that war. So they're sending people from the future who look creepy as hell and also like don't have limbs because they're rushing the process of uploading or just using a fake uploader with more errors (not yet sure which), but they are here with one goal; to get rid of Taesul, like Ares. Wow.

 So Sisyphus punishment is actually that he is eliminated and sent to the underworld. Wait, so it wasn't the boulder that was his first punishment; his first punishment was to be chased by De*ath (I'm going to find another name for this we're gonna say D  because of this stupid flagging system in Tumblr) just like Taesul is suffering in the present time in our show. Oh, okay, so where do we get the other punishment, the one Sisyphus is really known for. This is where the plot of this show unfolds, surprisingly. Because there's another character connected in this Sisyphean myth, Seohae, meaning Sisyphus had a wife. So when Sisyphus ends up, you know, getting axed, he still has a few tricks up his sleeves; he asks his wife to do something for him, not to bury him or respect his body wishes appropriately, in fact, to drop him naked in the middle of the city (that's obviously a parallel to how people are being downloaded into the past in the show visually). So because he did this, he's able to trick Hades and Persephone into letting them allow him to run back to the past to his wife to have a go at her, to tell her she didn't respect his wishes. And oh boy, oh boy, does he end up again evading D. Genius, in fact, he ends up going back to his wife and staying a very long time because it was his plan all along; he wasn't back to the underworld; they were all chumps who allowed his escape. So Sisyphus is a funny character, he chooses to go back, and he again avoids D; however, when he finally reaches his old age, he has to face everyone, including the gods; Zeus isn't happy with Sis; he says it's a bit of an insult really for what he has done, so Zeus basically punishes him with that godforsaken boulder. 

Okay, hold, that's a lot to unpack. So what happened here is we're still seeing Taesul as Sisyphus in this second part of the myth, right? So he's going to find a way to avoid Sigma always and survive, but we know he doesn't. His story ends truly when his demise leads to the war if we're following a timeline mentioned by Seohae. So what is this second punishment about a boulder?  Because this is the most crucial plot for every Sisyphus myth. 

Our Surprise Sisyphus

Well, look at it carefully;

 it has themes of running back to the past to criticise a lover,

 it has themes of trying to prevent a lovers demise, 

it has themes of futility and repetitive actions, it has themes of being punished by a powerful source,

 it also has themes of someone who is rebellious and doesn't want to let D win. 

It's Seohae. And that blew my mind. We don't have one Sisyphus in the storyline; we have two. The show's title is Sisyphus the myth because the love of these two is actually the role of Sisyphus; let me explain. 

The first acquaintance with D is Taesul's story he's the one who invents a way to chain D and then is punished by being taken by D. The person who ends up wanting him to save himself is not himself in this show; it's Seohae her whole goal, her whole reason to want to go back is also to evade D for her mother (she mentions this in episode 1 to her father) but also to stop Taesul from being eliminated, to stop the war but more of all because she loves him, she's married to him, they're meant to be lovers. However, she doesn't have all her memories of everything. All she knows is that another version of her self has told her she needs to go back in time to warn Taesul, so he doesn't make this mistake, so they live happily together after marriage, and the war doesn't happen. 

Ohhh, that's what's happening. So who's Zeus, you ask? It's the ICB, the Control Borough, that has to find balance and makes things right with all of the time travellers; they're looking for Seohae because she's illegal; she's not meant to be doing what she is doing. Just like Zeus has to intervene to punish Sis. So alright, we're getting there, we have Taesul, he's going to do something to avoid D, but unfortunately, he is going to be found by D because someone does not want him to succeed. Okay, however, we have Seohae; she is in love with Taesul and is determined to keep him safe. Hence, she finds a way to go back and warn him to prevent D from finding him; she essentially tricks the system to find and save the world, but also selfishly to go live a happy life with the guy she loves. So what's this about this boulder then?

The boulder; A heavy frustrating punishment

 Well, unfortunately for our two characters, it's pretty apparent Taesul always ends up being eliminated #, and it always leads to the war that destroyed earth. But also we know Seohae gets shot; during her wedding, she also is fated to suffer and be eliminated if she goes back to save Taesul. Her father warns her repeatedly about this. She doesn't listen. The clue here is the boulder keeps on being pushed; Sisyphus is in a constant struggle of the futility of his punishment; he can't escape; he is tied to this boulder to keep trying to push it to a destination, but all he does is repeatedly keep pushing the boulder infinitely.

Oh, wait, a show about time travel, a show about the futility of trying to change the past, a show where the future versions can go back with regret and meet their past versions which make the same mistakes over and over again, no matter how much Seohae tries to stop Taesul from opening the stupid suitcase that starts everything, he always opens it, it's useless, they're in a time loop. Each time he always creates the uploader, and each time the war happens, Seohae returns to stop him from being eliminated each time they always fail, and Seohae somehow leaves her diary telling her next self to do the same. It's an eternal loop. She's stuck being punished for carrying that weight, constantly relive that story over and over again, to try and save Taesul; her destination is always the start again. Like Sisyphus with the boulder. 

The only thing is why does she not remember or why is she acting like she doesn't remember, because it's different versions of her, it's a paradox, she always goes to find her next self, and she leaves that diary starting this all over again, her next self has now instructions always telling her to find Taesul, to save him and when she's going to be eliminated. (her wedding probably). Each time she goes back to save Taesul, she falls in love with him, they get closer to the wedding, and she gets shot. For Taesul, we see that the wedding leads to him making an ultimate decision, remember Sisyphus evades D twice. Seohae does this all the time to escape D for her mum and Taesul.

Meanwhile, Taesul only does this to avoid it for Tae san, his brother. Who is the second person? It's Seohae. They're Sisyphus for each other, surprise, Seohae ends up becoming Sisyphus always to try to prevent Taesul's demise and the war, but Taesul has a choice on the wedding day to choose either Seohae's life, or the world, what do you think he chooses? That's why I think he continually invents the uploader because of her, to save her, more than anything else. He always chooses futilely to save her above the results of the war. In doing so, he always ends up being the one who gets eliminated, but she always ends up determined to prevent that situation. 

Her dad was indeed right; she shouldn't meet with him; they both are in this repetitive loop, and the world is always a victim because of it. See how Sisyphus can try to be good and protective but still be seen as evil, a disaster, and a curse. So, in the end, both Seohae and Taesul are Sisyphus; both are punished every time. One by Taesul continually being caught and two by Seohae constantly losing her memories and forcing her self to repeat the journey again, to push that boulder over and over again. But with TKEM, we entered a timeline where change could happen after being stuck in an infinite loop forever, and that's interesting. With this show with how many times it seems Seohae has always written more instructions each time she travels, could we be in the timeline where things may become different? 

Sisyphus; A chance to change the past futilely

It seems like it more things are being revealed to them, that might be new information, Jung apologising and realising his mistake in probably being the one who takes Seohae's life in the wedding because he thinks she's evil (lied to by ICB) might be a new occurrence in this new timeline. There's more information slowly being added each time we do this time loop; the question is, where are we now? As I said, I don't know the science or calculations needed to understand the time travel aspect of the show, but that is important. 

So we have a star crossed romance that is being torn between the claws of D, two people punished continuously for just wanting to be with each other and putting the world at risk. We've seen what the results of Taesul's actions lead to; it leads to an apocalypse, a disaster and more; we've seen his stubbornness and determination not to let that stop him. All he wants is to evade D for his loved ones. But Seohae also becomes like that; she's also stubborn, also determined just like him to protect her loved ones despite both being advised not to do anything more, not to shake fate, not to mess around with time and life. Still, they never listen; they've put themselves in a time loop where they're being punished, and their punishment leads them again to do the same thing because of their desperate need to be together. 

It's heartbreaking; however, there's a slight hope for a happy ending, one because this director does stories of couples torn apart by forces and things they can't control (Master's sun, Dr Strange etc...) being tied to each other's downfall and growth, being pulled away no matter how desperate they want each other. Their need to be with each other puts others at harm, but he always ends it in a happy ending. Sisyphus actually gets his goal a bit, not how he wants it, but he gets to live a long life with the woman he loves. However, it's after he lives that life; he goes back to being punished. So maybe this timeline Seohae may succeed and live the married life she wanted with Taesul (she does not know she loves him, she will fall for him repeatedly each time they do a loop, both of them always do); however, the sad truth is it was not her first version/authentic version that got to live that happy ever after,  it might be this version though who knows? Either way, her original (her first-ever version, always suffered and had to be the one to push that eternal boulder with no end, she didn't get to see her ending) but this one or another future version may do. Taesul also has a chance to have a happy ending because even though his story ends with the first part of Sisyphus, Sisyphus finds a way to get out of the underworld and go back to his wife, so again it's like yeah, his first version did get punished, did get eliminated, failed, but this version or a future version may get a chance to spend that time with this Seohae. 

Do you get me? It's not their original versions that get the happy ending, but it's still them that gets a chance to live old and have a happy life. So I'm hopeful, is what I'm trying to say. Thought that infinite loop of futility and failure to escape mistakes isn't a great sign. Let me know what you think about Sisyphus so far. Are you like me? Are you intrigued by this love story, and what are your theories? Let me know. 

[marshieee]

Yes boss!

Headcanon

Normal day for them to flirt to their superior

A/N: ah it’s been awhile, i just noticed that my story about you being yamaguchi’s twin is still in my drafts hahahahaha.

Oikawa tooru

He didn’t expect that their temporary coach was someone HOT not that he doesn’t see any attractive people who coaches volleyball it’s just that it was shocking he expected someone who’s a bit old around their 50’s kindof guy, but you look like you both are in the same age

It’s been awhile since he met someone who was his type, unfortunately you’re his coach.

Let’s just say your filling in the spot of your uncle after he accidentally injured himself and have to rest for 6 months.

Good thing you’ve got alot of experience of coaching from little kids to college students.

BUT WE’RE TALKING ABOUT THE NATIONAL TEAM HERE

Pressure was already tough, stress was literally your second self now unfortunately it became worse.

“Oh good morning coach you look lovely today, you’re putting some models to shame”

“Save your sugary words for the ladies outside oikawa, ok guys warm up!”

One of your players who’s name was Oikawa tooru likes to flirt with you.

Whenever he has the chance he’ll take it and throws a cheesy pick up lines or lame puns.

“Ah it’s so good to have a sunshine who can light up my world thank you coach”

“Thank the sun Oikawa not me”

“But you are my sun”

“No I’m your COACH”

Honestly you’re not interested to get into relationship as this was one of your biggest gig, you can’t just blatantly flirt with your player.

I repeat YOUR PLAYER

But you can’t hide the fact that he is kinda cute when he’s trying to get your attention.

“What’s this?”

“My love~”

“.....”

“Ok ok can you do my bandage?”

“Why don’t you ask—“

“Look their busy doing the others bandages”

“Then wait”

“Don’t tell me you don’t know how?”

“Of course i know how idiot”

“Great then! It’s all yours”

He’ll just look at you with soft eyes as you were doing his bandages with a serious look.

You just look so cute

When you’re already done doing his bandages he’ll take your hands and place a soft kiss, which boi caught you off guard.

“Thanks coach, let’s do our best today again”

Maybe liking him won’t hurt right?

Kuroo tetsurou

Your schedule was a normal schedule for a working adult

Wake up, go to work, finish your task then go home.

It’s a cycle that you’re used to. Not until you got a new employee.

He was a hard working guy, never really bothered you and doing all of his work done and on time.

Not until he marked you as HIS.

“Hey boss~ got you some coffee”

“Oh, thanks....is this?”

“I made it my self it’s my own blend”

“Really?”

“Yeah really, it’s nothing special really just a little bit of love potion that i got in the corner of the streets”

You would immediately spit it out, though it was so good

“ARE YOU CRAZY?! WHAT IF THAT WASN’T A ‘POTION’ WHA—“

“I’m joking I’m joking I’m sorry I didn’t mean it,but I’m serious about it being my own blend”

He would be so sly about flirting with you that you can’t do anything about it.

“What?”

“Whoah easy now tiger I’m just here to tell you that hinata shoyo agreed”

“REALLY?”

“Yeah can i have a kiss now? I think i deserve an reward”

“Your ‘reward’ will be in your paycheck kuroo”

He seemed to be one of your best employees and it would be a shame if you put him in another division.

It’s not like you hate his flirting tho, but you just wanted to be professional that’s all.

“So it’s bring your kids to work day and since i don’t have kid i brought our children instead!”

“Our?”

“Yes our”

You’re so used to this you didn’t even bother to argue with him, he would just dodge it and get back to you 2x

“Tadaaa~”

He would show you a basket with a persian cat and a saimes cat sleeping.

“OMYGOSH THEY’RE ADORABLE”

“You’re adorable”

“I didn’t know you were a cat person kuroo, you don’t seem like it”

“Really? Um boss question”

“Yeah?”

“Do i really don’t look like a cat person?”

“No”

“But I’m pretty obvious that i like you right?”

“Wha-?!”

He just straight up confessed his sin to you in the OFFICE, your co workers who heard all of it started to “oooohhh”

“How bold kuroo-san”

“Just straight up confessing hahahaha”

You cheeks will immediately burn from his sudden confession. Grabbing the basket you turn around.

“Yes, yes it is kuroo and what about it?”

“Nothing just making sure that you know you’re loved”

That’s where you immediately started to combust, you can’t face him with a very red face.

It would be embarrassing. Head down you gave him the basket back.

“I swear to God kuroo if you continued doing this a little more push and i might fall inlove with you”

You whispered to yourself, which you thought only you can hear it.

“What’s stopping you then?”

You really can’t take it anymore and stomped all the way to your office.

“YOU AND YOUR SUPER HEARING IS SUPER ANNOYING”

“I DONT THINK YOU HATE IT THO~”

You’re falling for your employee named kuroo and you can’t help it.

Yamaguchi Tadashi

Well you were appointed to a new department

It was all good, you got good workers who actually do their jobs and a cute employee who basically lowkey flirts with you.

It wasn’t the first time someone is flirting with you at work but it was the first time where it wasn’t very...

Forceful, and it was super sweet.

Yamaguchi cannot straight up flirt with you like kuroo because you’re his boss. He respects that.

So he would do it in a subliminal way. Like he would volunteer to buy you coffee and when he gets back it’s not just your coffee but it was with a tiny little trinkets.

Like cute stickers, a candy, a flower, a note saying “let’s do our best today” “have a smile sunshine” “you can do this boss!”

To be honest you’ll just find yourself having a shit tons of butterflies in your stomach early in the morning.

He would also bake something for you, but also gets all embarrassed and started to bake for the whole team.

Like he would bake some cookies and give it to your department just 3 cookies per pack but when he gives one to you he will give you a dozen and with a cute little heart on the ribbon.

Or when he would give you his papers he would sneak a little motivation note for you, or a poem he made himself.

You never really got the chance to tease him back as he immediately shys away from you.

Well heavens wants you now.

It was a rainy night, your dumbass forgot to check the weather today so you didn’t have any umbrella with you.

Your friend already went to her date, so you got no choice but to wait until it stops.

“Boss?”

“Oh yamaguchi good work today”

“Ah y-you too, I’m sorry but what are you doing out here?”

“Well i forgot to check the weather today so I don’t have an umbrella with me”

“Um if you don’t mind you can share with me”

You would just look at his face, which reminded you of a strawberry which is fucking cute btw

“Sure why not”

As you two were walking towards the station he would be so stiff that you immediately noticed when you went besides him.

His shoulder was wet as he was trying to cover you from the rain.

“Hey yamaguchi scoot closer you’re getting wet”

“A-ah y-y-yes”

You would pull him closer only for him to get even redder.

As you two arrived at your stop which was the train station. You’ll instantly shot him a smile, the smile he really loves.

“Thanks yamaguchi i owe you one”

“It’s nothing boss”

“Oh you know what i can pay up right now”

“P-pay up? But the pay day is—“

You cut him off as you kissed his cheeks. It took awhile before it sink in yamaguchi’s mind that you’re kissing him rn

“There i don’t owe you one now we’re quits, see you tomorrow”

You would wink and left the blushing boy.

Flirting back might change some things a little.

Sugawara Koushi

You never thought you’d be a principal at a elementary school.

It’s not like you hate it though, you’ve been always so fond of kids. Your kids at school are so very sweet and respectful as they always greet you whenever you’re around.

You got the nickname “pretty sensei” to the younger kids as you often play with them whenever you got time. Though you weren’t a teacher there but you don’t mind them calling you sensei

A new teacher was assigned at your favorite class, which you weren’t aware since you’ve been too busy with some other stuffs.

As you visit your favorite class per usual you met the new teacher which was sugawara koushi.

“Sensei sensei! This is our pretty sensei!”

“They always plays with us”

“And they’re very nice too!”

Sugawara was aware that you were the principal and you told him it’s fine that the kids calls you sensei. It’s cute

Sugawara know that their principal was good looking but that won’t give any justice to what he was seeing right now.

You look so pretty and gentle as the kids surrounds you, laughing and running with them.

He can watch this forever.

Later that day when you already left sugawara confessed to his kids.

“I like pretty sensei but I’m too shy can you guys help me get pretty sensei’s heart?”

Well a few of them cried as they misunderstood the “get pretty sensei’s heart” but that was fixed.

The kids helped their sensei courting you. Like handing you flowers or heart shaped paper with “pretty sensei x suga sensei”

There are also times where the kids wanted to play house and asked you to be the parents.

“Looks like we have a big family huh?”

“Yeah hahahaha”

This always happens that you’re already used to it. How sugawara calls you honey just to tease you or how you would help sugawara put the kids to bed.

The girls decided that they want to play wedding and wanted to be the flower girls and bridesmaids.

“Really?”

“Yep, you and suga sensei will get married”

You blushed when she said that. Ok maybe you do have a little crush on the teacher so what?

“M-marry?”

“That’s a great idea! Pretty sensei you don’t mind do you?”

Sugawara pops up besides you agreeing with the wedding game.

“Huh? Y-yeah sure it’s just a game so why not”

The game already started and the girls have their own pretty little flower crowns as they just throw some colored papers.

One of the kids decided to be the priest tho he didn’t know what to do and just asked.

“Suga sensei do you accept pretty sensei?”

Sugawara would hold your hand and just looked at you with a soft expression.

“I do”

“Pretty sensei do you accept suga sensei?”

It’s just a game why am i blushing?!

“I do”

“Um suga sensei do you like pretty sensei”

You don’t know why but your heart skipped a beat as you anticipated his answer, you don’t know why you’re so curious but...

Sugawara just laughed and smiled.

“Yes i do like pretty sensei”

The girls immediately squealed and asked “really??”

Still looking at you sugawara squeezes your hand.

“Yes really”

“Then you may kiss pretty sensei”

“K-kiss?”

“Hahaha it’s fine don’t worry”

Sugawara gave you a soft kiss on your forehead which made you redder than anything.

“Pretty sensei is red!!”

“Sensei are you sick?! Are you ok?!”

“I-i’m fine”

“Suga sensei! Pretty sensei is sick!!”

“Don’t worry pretty sensei is fine”

After school sugawara immediately would apologize about what happened.

“Please don’t stop visiting the kids”

“Why do you think i would?”

“Because of what happened?”

You would just laughed at him.

“Of course i won’t and besides...”

“???”

You raised your hand with a flower ring that was made by the children.

“We’re a big family aren’t we?”

Now it was sugawara’s turn to be red

[bts-roses]

Spilling Coffee | 1

➼ summary: You’ve always prided yourself in being a naturally graceful and reliable person. So an internship at BigHit seemed like a walk in the park. That is, until a certain goof slide-kicks you off your feet and makes your life a whole lot harder.

/

Namjoon is a misunderstood klutz and y/n thinks too much.

➼ pairing: idol!namjoon x intern!reader

➼ genre: fluff, angst (if you squint), idolverse

➼ word count: 3,700

| next

‣

You have always been proud of your natural grace. Throughout your life, it’s granted you the title of being the responsible and reliable one. The one to do the important jobs. You were always the child the teacher would pick to fill a glass of water up for the paintbrushes during art class. You would do that with a smug grin on your face, holding a big ass jar of water with both of your tiny hands. You would hand it to the teacher, whip your pigtails as you turn around and walk back to your seat looking at your jealous classmates like hell yeah I just did that, you bitches could never.

So naturally, finding out you were about to intern in a big entertainment company, you just knew you were going to unquestionably nail it. Being responsible for mundane tasks like going on coffee runs or carrying boxes to different places? Uhh, you lived for that shit.

Obviously, these weren’t the only tasks and they were definitely not going to help you in the long run of your dream profession. But being able to put down that you received work experience from Big Hit Entertainment sure was. And there was an opportunity to get a job there after your internship! And the internship pays really well! And apparently the food in their canteen was pretty good! In conclusion, it was a win-win situation all around. And how hard could it be?

The answer to that was hard. Very fucking hard.

‣

Namjoon has always been in awe of how clumsy he actually was. Even his bandmates wonder how such an intelligent, grown man can be such a dumbass. Whenever he tried to fix something? Boom, it instantly got 10x worse. His fans even call him the God of Destruction. He would be offended by the nickname, but he can’t hate the truth. And the title is pretty badass if you think about it.

He was more of the kid in art class who was always given small jobs like making sure the aprons weren’t tangled up when it was time to put them away. Even though he wanted cooler jobs like holding those cool big ass glass jars, he understood that sometimes it’s just best to mind his own business and do his own designated jobs. You know, for world peace.

But today. Wow. It’s like the gods above are punishing him or something.

He actually woke up feeling pretty good. Today was going to be his day. Or so he thought. His clumsiness, once again, ruins it for him.

Long story short: he accidentally broke a bit of the toilet seat off. In his defence, he really needed a shit and someone left the toilet seat up again. He was definitely not going to fall into the toilet bowl this time. So Namjoon did the only thing a human could do in such a limited space of time: he slam-dunked that toilet seat down as hard as he could. Not his smartest idea. To his dismay, he spent his morning poo hovering over the toilet, with a piece of the seat held in his left hand. Let’s just say the other members were not thrilled when he walked out to the kitchen holding the piece of the smashed toilet seat from one of the most used bathrooms in the house.

After sitting through another one of Seokjin's speeches about the importance of handling things with a bit more caution, Namjoon decided it would be best to go to the company a bit earlier than the others today. Especially when the younger ones wouldn’t stop roasting the shit out of him. It was when he tripped over walking into the company building he thought to himself.

Maybe today wasn’t his day.

‣

This was the tenth day of your internship. And you don’t like to boast but you think you’re owning this shit. Sure, your boss is scary and likes giving you lots of monotonous tasks. But she’s not that bad. Besides, this is what you signed up for! And you’re having fun. Kinda.

“Intern.” You look up from your desk to see a smiling Joowon, one of your coworkers, “Lee is asking for you.”

Giving him a nod, you swiftly get up from your desk. You knock on your boss’ door and walk in when she acknowledges your presence.

“Yes, Mrs Lee?” you say, beaming brightly.

“I need you to go on a coffee run for the marketing team. We have an important meeting regarding TXT’s comeback and I do not want to see anyone slacking. If I do, I will kill someone,” she says looking up from the screen, giving you a small vacant smile. See? She’s warming up to you!

“Of course! Do you want me to buy you a knife while I’m out? Just in case?” You joke while giggling lightly.

“Was that supposed to be a joke?” She asks, with no amusement in her face.

You immediately stop laughing. Fuck. Maybe she’s just a tad bit scary. You stiffen a bit and nod ashamed.

“Yeah. I don’t need any of that here” she glances at you up and down and then looks back at her computer, “you should leave now.”

You bow and basically run out of her office. Okay. Fine. She’s fucking terrifying.

You knew working in a big establishment like BigHit was going to be intimidating but not this intimidating. It didn’t help that you had a subliminal fear of attractive people. Of course, you liked looking at them but talking to them made you so nervous. Maybe you should've taken that into account before working in a fucking entertainment company. They were everywhere. At least you were working in the marketing team, where your interactions with the idols were very limited. However, you still would have the odd occurrence with one. On your second day, TXT's Soobin asked you for Mrs Lee's whereabouts. You nearly cried... But let’s not think about that.

Thankfully, your department is quite small and you only had to go get nine iced americanos. The lady at the counter also gave you two paper bags that held eight of them which made your life easier. Since you were feeling fancy and had the room, you got yourself an iced latte. Realising you were a bit short on time, you quickly dashed back to the company.

Entering the building, you check the clock on the lobby wall: fifteen minutes until the meeting starts. Cool. That's fine. You can totally get there before it starts. Totally. Deep breath. You'll be fine. After violently stabbing the elevator button multiple times, you hastily enter and press the floor you needed. Seeing no one was going to get on with you, you push the button to close the doors. Just once. Maybe a few times for good measure. Before the doors shut, you catch a glimpse of the clock again. Thirteen minutes. More than enough time.

When you reach your floor, you check inside the bags to make sure nothing has spilt. You can't help but smile. Look at you. Two coffees in each hand? Not a spill. Holding two bags of coffee? Not a single drop. You really did that. You were that bitch. I am the elite intern. You think to yourself with a chuckle. Then you stop yourself and wince. Jesus Christ. You really needed to get a life.

Remembering your task, you carefully pull out your phone from your pocket to check the time; ten minutes. Just to be safe (and to beat your previous coffee run score of having eight minutes to spare), you speed down the hallway.

You can literally see the glass walls of the meeting room. Not even half of the team is there yet. You were that early. On the opposite side of the corridor, you see your boss, who is facing away from you, and Joowon talking to each other. He glances at you and smiles. You quicken your pace, about to return the smile.

Suddenly, you're seeing him horizontally.

What the fuck? Why the fuck? Oh my God. You're too busy soaking up the mess in front of you that you don’t feel the searing pain on your left ankle. You blink hard and freeze on the floor.

The coffee is spilt. Everywhere.

Shit. You’re gonna get killed. You're gonna get fired. Before you start crying on the ground, the floor starts moving... Wait. Floors don't move. Uuugh. And floors sure as hell don't groan.

You look sideways to realise you're on top of someone's chest. That said someone looks down at you.

Your heart drops.

You jump up to stand and you instantly feel the sting on your ankle. You look at the scene in front of you. You feel like sobbing again. You just spilt your drink all over RM. Fucking Kim Namjoon. You know, the leader of the biggest fucking boy group on the planet? That's the one. You aren’t just going to be fired. You're gonna be banished from Korea. Burned at the stake. Mauled to death.

"I'm so fucking sorry." You burst out, desperately getting back down on the floor to clean up the liquid with your clothes, "I'm so sorry, I really didn't mean to."

You warily look at him. He's just lying there in this weird, starfish-like position. Not really moving. Oh my God, you think to yourself. You fucking broke him. Did you kill him?

You stop helplessly scrubbing the floor with your jumper sleeve and shakily ask him, "are you alive?"

Abruptly, pulls himself up in a seated position. You flinch. Fuck. He's gorgeous. Great, now you’re nervous. He stares at you blankly and you wince a bit. You mentally prepare yourself to get screamed at and you feel a sting in your eyes. God, you're about to cry. You’re gonna lose your internship. You’re gonna have no future. You're so fucking terri-

All you hear is a deep chuckle.

"Shit. You've done it again Namjoon" he mutters to himself in disbelief, "Did I hurt you?"

He looks at you in concern and shuffles closer. Carefully, he puts a hand on your shoulder. Well, he’s never seen you before. He glances down at the ID card hanging from your neck. There’s a picture of you grinning cheerfully and your name: Y/n L/n. An intern? He also notices that you don’t have the same red lanyard as the other staff here; you switched yours to an Animal Crossing themed ribbon. Cute. He looks back up and his brows furrow when he sees a tear run down your cheek.

“U-uh. I-I’m fine.” you stutter, not really paying attention and avoiding eye contact. You feel yourself shaking.

“Are you sure? I just completely wiped you out with a sliding kick.” He jokes to try to ease the situation, offering a kind smile. Fuck, he has dimples, you think to yourself. You feel him brush his thumb over your cheek to wipe the stray tear.

“Oh my God. Namjoon-ah are you okay?” your boss asks, pushing past you to check on the man, “What is with this mess? What on earth did you do, intern?”

You stumble upwards, preparing for your death. You close your eyes in anticipation. Here it is. Your life was fun while it laste-

“It wasn’t her fault. And I’m fine. Just a bit of liquid.” You hear him say.

You open your eyes and face them. The idol makes eye contact with you and you quickly divert your eyes down. You feel your face heat up from the sudden attention.

“Namjoon-ah, it’s okay. You don’t need to cover up for her. She’s just an intern.” your boss says, impressed with his supposed kindness.

Excuse me? You look up at her disbelief. He was the one who caused you to fall. Before you’re about to defend yourself, you glance at him again and stop yourself. Oh, what the hell? Fine.

“I’m so sorry! I’ll clean this up straight away!” You shout and bow deeply, accepting the fault. It was just going to be easier this way, you’re just a disposable intern anyways.

Namjoon watches you bow deeply towards them. What? This was his fault.

“Wait, no this was my doin-” He started.

“I really expected better than this, intern.” Mrs Lee sighs in disappointment, not wanting to waste time, “Clean this mess up.”

You bow at both of them again as she walks past you, heading for the meeting room. Well that went better than expected. At least you’re still alive. You sigh weakly and started your hunt for something to help clean the mess up.

Before he could intervene again to clear things up, his phone rings.

“Hyung! Where are you? We need you now, the business call is just about to start.” Jimin shouts down the phone.

Namjoon curses himself. He takes a quick look at your back before running to where he was needed. So much for first impressions. Throughout the call, all he could focus on was the cute intern he wiped out and his coffee-stained hoodie sticking to his chest.

Yup. Today was definitely not his day.

‣

After two weeks of whatever that was, you’ve been trying really hard to redeem yourself. Just a few examples: you started colour coding the meeting notes to make it easier to read; you call the coffee shop ahead of time so your coffee runs take no longer than seven minutes; you bring running shoes to work so for any errands you need to run, you literally run. Oh, and most importantly, you steer the fuck out of Kim Namjoon’s way. This step has been proven difficult because you now see him everywhere. (Apparently, their group is heading into more product deals with different companies so your department is becoming a regular for them).

You tell yourself you aren’t trying to avoid the man because that would be stupid. But you know deep inside you’re just really fucking scared of him. Here are some reasons for your new founded fear:

1. He drop-kicked you down to the floor and you would be lying if you said it didn’t hurt like a bitch. You walked with a limp for a whole week. You’re pretty sure you could’ve sued him.

2. He’s the reason Mrs Lee now hates you with a burning passion. (Bit of an overstatement but since when did your mind not blow things out of proportion?)

3. He’s too tall. His mere size towers over you. It’s petrifying.

4. He’s so fucking attractive? Like? Who allowed him to look that good daily? And when he smiles, his dimples show? The thought of them breaks you out in cold sweat.

5. He smells too nice.

6. And oh yeah. Whenever you see each other, he tries to walk up and talk to you.

It scares the living daylights out of you.

‣

Namjoon has never experienced this before.

It’s like he’s the bloody plague. The guilt was eating him alive. For two weeks now he’s been trying to come up and talk to you. And for two weeks you have been running away from him like your life depended on it. He couldn’t stop thinking about it. Surely you knew it was an honest mistake and he did try to defend you against Mrs Lee. He even apologised, right? Did he apologise? Oh God, he didn’t apologise. He needs to apologise.

“Hyung!” Jungkook pushes him, “Were you even listening?”

Namjoon looks up at the youngest in confusion, “What?”

“He’s too busy thinking about his latest victim.” Jimin teases.

Jungkook laughs with him, “It’s not like she hates you or anything. If you feel so bad about it then just go talk to her and sort it out. You said she was on the marketing floor right? So just go find-”

His words get cut off by his hyung groaning and banging his head down to his table, watching the surrounding objects jump up from the force.

“You think I haven’t tried that?” He mumbles sadly into the wood, “She runs away from me.”

The two younger men look at each other.

“Hyung, you’re totally just overthinking this. She doesn’t run away from you.” Jungkook chuckles, offering a supporting hand on Namjoon’s back.

After a few hours of trying to work on some songs, Namjoon yawns loudly and stretches out his long limbs. From behind him, he hears the two yawn straight after and they all let out a small laugh.

“I think we should call it a day,” Jimin stands up, starting to pack his things, “Yoongi hyung said we were gonna have dinner tonight so we should get going.”

Moving towards the elevator, Namjoon sees you, holding a big stack of papers, from the corner. Shit. Instantly, he pulls the two members in front of him.

“Oh my God, it’s her.” He hides and whispers, even though you are out of ear reach.

Jungkook and Jimin look at the small moving figure, who is currently trying to move hair out of her face with her mouth. So that’s the girl who is clouding their leader’s mind. They watch you a few feet away from the elevator. As if they knew what the other was thinking, they exchange a mischievous look. Without warning, they forcefully drag their hyung forwards before he could process their actions.

Jesus. You whine to yourself. These papers are so fucking heavy. When you hear the ding of lift, you walk in and stretch your pinky to the ground floor button. You move to the back of the elevator, resting your back on the railing. You only have this job to do and you can finally go home. Smiling at the thought, you mindlessly look at your feet, oh and the large feet in front of you. Wait, what?

You look up in shock and meet eyes with your greatest fear. He gives you a nervous smile and you notice the two other attractive people on either side of him. Another fear of yours. (Not the biggest fear at hand but albeit still a fear). God. It’s like you were in a horror movie, where the ghosts were unfairly good looking. You feel your heart speeding. You scream inwardly when you see the idol opening his mouth.

Namjoon stutters and starts when he feels Jungkook hit his back, “Hello aga-”

He feels a gust of wind run past him.

You just sprinted out of the elevator.

As the doors close, the three turn around and watch you racing away. Gobsmacked. Before the doors fully shut, Namjoon is the only one that sees you trip, papers flying everywhere. He lets out a quiet gasp. The small room is silent.

“Well,” Jungkook quietly coughs out, “Maybe she does hate you...”

“You think she hates me?” The oldest pitifully questions and watches Jimin hit the youngest.

“No, don’t be stupid,” Jimin weakly persuades and gives an insincere smile, “She might just be nervous or something.”

Namjoon instantly frowns. She hates me.

‣

You lay face down on the floor, soaking up all the embarrassment of what just happened. Did you just fall? You? Over nothing? What in God’s name is happening to you? You look up and instantly wince. All the documents you organised, sorted and colour-coded are all messed up. There goes your early night.

Picking up the stray papers, you think to yourself: what the fuck is wrong with you? If you weren’t such a big pussy, your life would have been so much easier. You think about all of the time you would have saved if you just walked the quicker route, regardless of whether or not he was in the way. You think about all the plants you wouldn’t have hid behind to prevent his attention. You think about all the information you could’ve learned about your dream job if you didn’t reject the offers just because there was a slim chance of running into him.

At the end of the night, you have one question burning into your mind: why were you so scared of him?

‣

“You like him.” Daeun proclaims. You just told her about your most recent encounter with him.

You stare at the fellow intern in confusion, “What?”

“You have a big fat crush on him.” She repeats, taking a bite out of her lunch, “Just think about it, you said it yourself, your heart races when you see him... So you like him.”

“My heart races because I’m scared of him” You point out.

“No. You dumb bitch. Your heart races because you are nervous.”

Oh. Well, this was not what you were expecting when you asked your friend for advice. You have a crush on Namjoon?

“B-but I don’t know anything about him.” You argue, shaking your head.

“You don’t necessarily have to personally know him to crush on him,” she continues, “You find him attractive right?”

“W-well, yeah I guess so-”

“There you go. We’ve cracked it. You’re just horny for him.”

“The fuck? No, I’m not.” you push her and she laughs.

“I don’t blame you, he walks like he’s got a massive cock.”

You shriek and whack her in detest. She screams jokingly at the pain. When you two look around and notice people staring, you both can’t help but laugh hard.

At 9PM, you were laying in bed, thinking about your friend’s words and you couldn’t help but to be curious about him. Sure, you liked his music as much as the next person but you didn’t know much about Namjoon as a person. Since you just graduated from college, you didn’t have much time to spend on immersing yourself in the world of the BTS. Letting your curiosity get the better of you, you start doing research, telling yourself it’ll only take a few minutes.

After watching countless interviews and videos, you wonder how such a person could exist. He’s intelligent, loving, kind, gentle, passionate and- well you just go on for hours. You laugh a bit when you realise his only fault: he’s the biggest fucking klutz.

It hit you at 3AM when you finished watching his UNICEF speech with a big ass smile on your face.

Fuck, you totally have a crush on Namjoon.

a/n: hello! thank you for reading + i hope you’ve enjoyed. i’m also already in the process of writing the second part, if that is something you would like to see!

[mxupdate]

[ARTICLE] Wonho (Monsta X) opens up about his dark past and apologizes to fans

'Actually, I'm always feeling unsettled''

We asked why he felt like that,

Wonho opened up about his past.

"Because I know my mistake..."

"No matter what I say, it's just a fallacy. It's because I was wrong."

He continued.

"Therefore, I tried my best, so that I would not make the same mistake again."

Above all, he said that thanks to his fans, he was determined to change.

"I have got what is called love. I don't want to let them down, even just a little."

In February, Dispatch had a meeting with Wonho, Monsta X's former member. At that time, he was reviewing himself for his past controversies when the police were investigating his allegations of drug use in 2013.

"Yes, that's right. I acknowledge my past. I was too stupid. I have tried my best not to live like that again. I only think about the members, the group and my fans."

He added that he was misunderstood.

"I don't use drugs. The police are investigating it. When my innocence is proven, please write an article about my story. I want to apologize and clear up the misunderstanding. I also want to be forgiven by everyone."

On March 10, the police ruled Wonho not guilty. After the investigation on allegations of drug use, the police closed the case because no suspicious points were found. Therefore, we would like to write about Wonho's story.

◆ "It was unfortunate in those days"

An apartment for rent located in Sanbon Ward, Gunpo City, Gyeonggi Province. This apartment has a living room (small size) and a room. Wonho lived there with his grandmother, parents, and younger brother. A miserable period of his life.

"I lived in a small rental apartment until I was 20 years old. My grandmother used the only room. My father, mother, younger brother and I all ate and slept in the living room. At that time I didn't know it was poverty."

In elementary school, he didn't get along well with his peers. He was always teased. The torment went on repeatedly. Wonho was a shy and timid child.

"Sometimes my friends teased me by saying I'm dirty, sometimes bullied me just because they felt bored. My friends didn't like me at all. In fact, there are many more memories I don't want to remember. In short, I was alienated by my friends."

Certainly, he got troubled at his home as well. Wonho's parents fought every day for money. Wonho spent most of his time outside. Then, he knew a stranger in the neighborhood.

"At home, I was not at ease because my parents argued all the time. I had to kill the time outside every day. Just like that, I happened to know a brother in the ward, then I started to follow him."

◆ "I was once interested in bad things"

Since then, Wonho wasn't bullied anymore. No, rather, others started to avoid him. Wonho said he felt fun seeing his friends being dissatisfied.

"One day, I went downstairs and bumped into a friend who had bullied me. I unconsciously cowered. However, that guy opened up first, "Ho Seok, I'm sorry." I suddenly became arrogant. That's not good, but..."

Wonho escaped from being an outcast. But he did not feel happy. The situation was still the same, the discord did not end yet. Eventually, he became more and more pessimistic. This happened when Wonho was in high school.

"My parents argued on that day. Suddenly, I felt choked in my heart. I saw no hope in this house. I walked out of the house unconsciously. At that time, I did not realize the importance of families."

Outside the family's shelter, it was even more dangerous. Wonho hung out with new friends, then was caught up in something he shouldn't have done. Some of his friends went to juvie on suspicion of special theft. Wonho got milder punishment, he was placed under probation.

"I don't want to blame my friends. Because that was also my choice. It sounds like an excuse, but at that time, I was not mature. It was my fault. My fault only. I apologize."

◆ "I had a dream"

Wonho ran into a lot of difficulties in his teens. It's literally a stormy period with intense highs and downs. Then, he met Jung Dae Eun. He remembered that it was when he was in the 2nd year of high school.

"We immediately became closer. We also did modeling jobs together. Da Eun helped me a lot. She even supported my dream of becoming a singer."

Before the age of 20, Wonho, called Lee Ho Seok at that time, was a rebellious boy. He went astray and resented reality. However, after the age of 20, Wonho changed. He moved forward and tried his utmost to overcome the reality of life. That is the epiphany.

"I saw my friends practice like crazy. They were all dreaming of their own dreams. I was jealous of them. So I could only live in resentment... At that time, I promised myself that I won't waste my life anymore."

Wonho practiced day and night. Whenever he had free time, he ran to the stair corridor because he needed a place to practice alone. There, he constantly danced, rested, and danced again.

"I joined the trainees who entered the company at the same time with me to dance and sing all night. I didn't feel tired. Because there was a ray of hope in me that 'I have a future too'. I was happy. Activities with the group were also very delightful. In those 4 years, I learned a lot."

◆ "The past gets in the way"

In 2015, Wonho debuted as a member of Monsta X. The group has released 12 albums in Korea as well as taking Asia, Europe, and the United States by storm. Monsta X also achieved significant success as they landed at No.39 on Billboard's Pop Songs Chart (in 2019) and became the third K-pop artist to accomplish this.

In 2019, when Wonho was on the rise, his murky past caught up with him. He, in turn, entangled in the controversy related to the Me Too movement and the fact that he was once under house arrest was also exposed. In 2013, he was even placed under investigation in suspicion of drug use.

"It's true that I made a mistake, but there are some misunderstandings about me as well. Of course, I'm aware that these are irreversible. Because not everyone goes down the wrong way and falls into such a situation. I reflected on myself a lot at the time I was under house arrest."

Wonho didn't give more explanations. He admitted his past wrongdoings and apologized many times. However, he resolutely denied suspicion of drug use. He said that he absolutely never touched that illegal substance.

"I acknowledge my past deeds. But what I didn't do, I would say no. I absolutely do not use drugs. I have explained it clearly to the police."

After more than 5 months of investigation, the police have concluded that Wonho was innocent. They did not find evidence related to drug use. The police also investigated whether Wonho used drugs in the form of tablets. However, they did not discover any drugs.

◆ "I don't want to hurt anyone"

Wonho quit Monsta X. In October 2019, before officially departing from the group, he left a message that reads, "The members have been hurt by someone like me. All of them have no relation to me at all. I hope that you guys will be Monsta X's pillar of strength.

"The group made lots of efforts to prepare a new album. I hate to see Monsta X collapse (just because of me). I think I should leave the group as soon as possible so Monsta X can continue their activities. I'd like to prevent the damage to them as much as I could."

One more thing, the reason for his determination is MonBeBes.

"I can confidently say that I have completely changed after meeting MonBeBes. I understood what it is like to be loved. I want to live a good life every day."

According to Wonho, he has never lost his concentration on work. Most of his daily tasks are making music, exercises, and fan communication. In fact, Wonho often chatted with fans through live broadcasts, each of which lasted for around 3~4 hours, during his overseas tour.

"Actually, this is the first time I feel such warmth. So, I don't want to let everyone down. I just want to do the things that the fans like. I want to repay that love. But..."

◆ "Anyway, I'm sorry"

The past has been exposed. He wondered what he could do. It was concluded that he could do nothing but withdraw from the group. He thought it was a way to ease the fans' pain (even just a little).

"I promised the fans many things. I also said I would always stay by their side. Although I only lived and thought of fans, I apologize for leaving this way..."

However, he explained that he was forced to do so

"In the past, I lived as Lee Ho Seok, and now as Wonho. Is it possible that Wonho is not responsible for what Lee Ho Seok did? I have to shoulder that responsibility. In the end, I have hurt everyone with my past. I want to relieve that pain."

Wonho hasn't left his house for a while. He lived in silence, to avoid causing damage to those around him. During that time, he was cleanly acquitted of drug-related allegations. Wonho shared that it was fortunate enough.

"Even up to now, I can't forget the fans. On the contrary, I am just so regretful. I feel regret, I should have done a little better. I do this interview with one reason only, which is to apologize to everyone."

See article here.

[just-someone-who-likes-to-write]

Prince Nuada x Angel!Reader (Pt.1)

(Requested by @blackwoodwinter​ : Hello! Could i request a story of reader x prince nuada, where the reader is naturally born human with powers & mutations that make her look like an angel. She also works in the BPRD alongside Red and Abe and when she first meets Nuada he mistakes her for a mythical creature, initially not liking her of betraying mythical creatures for humans, but she clearfies she is technically human and shows him little by little there is still good in humanity.)

(A/N): I first want to apologize to all of you for the delay especially those who had requested stories but still unanswered. I want to say  that the reason is because I had and still have online classes and essays to catch up too and I am still struggling with that but be sure that I never forgot you all and have seen your requests and I love them and can’t wait to write them down. Thank you for your patience.

Warning: Insulting, Death, and Grammatic errors.

Word count: 4,586

You stood in the middle of the greenhouse as you took care of the plants that surrounded you, said "Greenhouse" is a room that was as big as a small stadium and was full of different mythical plants and herbs that the B.P.R.D had gathered throughout the ages. Aside from joining Hellboy and Abraham on missions, you were also in charge of taking care of those plants because if it was any other agent they would struggle and get into… "accidents". Manning had signed you up for that task after seeing how those man-eating plants act friendly with you and you accepted.

 "I still can't understand how he is unable to see how beautiful you are." You said to a plant that looked like a giant Venus fly trap plant.

 The said plant leaned down and rubbed itself gently against your check as it purred. The sound would have scared any other but for you, it warmed your heart. You lifted your arms to try and hug it even though your arms are too small to be able to give half a hug but it seemed to please the plant.

 "Maybe I should bring prince Nuada here." you thought to yourself.

 When the prince first came to the organization you tried to introduce yourself properly but all you got in return was a glare full of hate that ruffled your feathers…Literally. You tried to get closer to him since you will have to work as a team from now on but he either ignored you or tried to hurt you. Nuala had apologized many times because of her brother's behavior, which you excused it thinking that he was only angry because he lost against Hellboy and now has to work under the humans he despised.

 After making sure everything was in order and saying goodbye to the plants you existed the greenhouse. You were tired and your back was aching. Well, actually it was mostly your wings that were hurting you, ever since the golden army incident you never had the chance you spread them and give yourself some exercise. You wanted to go outside and fly around for a while, from it you could exercise your wings and enjoy the wind. Physical and mental health. However, first, you needed to go and ask Manning for permission to allow you outside, which you already know he'll say "No" to because "There is already space inside".

 You stopped in your tracks when you saw across from you making his way down the hall was none other than Prince Nuada with his sister. He was staring at the ground as he listened patiently to his sister talking and from the look on his face what she was saying did not please him. Taking a deep breath you walked up to them with a smile. Nuala was the first to notice you.

 "(Y/n)!" She greeted with a smile of her own. At the mention of your name, Nuada looked up only to scowl at you.

 You showed a weary smiled and lifted your hand to greet him as well but you were cut when he marched pass you ignoring you completely. On other days you would have ignored the act and went about your day but not today. You were exhausted and don't have the power to take his actions towards you with a smile.

 "Why do you hate me so much?" You asked as you turned around seeing how your questions made the prince stop but didn't face you.

 "I don't understand…" you continued." After you came here I offered to be your friend, to have a new start and forget the past but you refused, in a hostile manner may I add, and even when I tried to be polite you acted as if I have spat on your face!"

 Your outburst caused other agents who were around to stop and those who weren't around from the beginning were called to witness the sweet girl lose her patience. The only one who seemed to care about the unwanted attention was poor princess Nuala other than her neither you or Nuada cared for the people.

 "All I ask is why do you keep treating me like that?" You asked again with furrowed brows trying to keep calm again.

 Nuada just titled his head his eyes narrowed at you as if you were an idiot and it was obvious.

 "You dare ask what is your crime?" He asked as he took a step forward. "You are supposed to be a symbol of trust, hope, and love but here you are working under the humans against your own kind!"

 You were stunned by his outburst that you almost didn't hear the last part.

 "My… own kind?" you asked dumbfounded. Nuada just rolled his golden eyes.

 "Other mythical creatures who suffer in silence because of humans and have no power to fight back or even speak up." He explained. "And instead of showing mercy and compassion, you murder them, you are a disgrace for all angels."

 "Angels?" You questioned before finally understanding why he was so angry with you. With widened eyes you lifted your hands shaking them. "Oh no no!... You misunderstood-…I'm actually a human-"

 He cut you off as his frown deepened.

 "You sunk so low as to renounce what you are… for them!"

 "No!... I mean-" You were getting annoyed by him but still tried to keep calm as you explained. "I was born a human but have mutations that make me look like an angel."

 A confused look crossed his face but it was quickly gone recovering his anger.

 "And how do you explain your powers?" He demanded. "I have witnessed them myself."

 "Elizabeth is a human but has powers." You deadpanned. "There are other humans in this world who were born human but have supernatural powers, who either have mutations like me…" You moved one of your wings. "…Or none like Lizzy."

 "It's true brother." Said Nuala calmly as she stepped forward to stand beside him. "(Y/n) is a human, just different."

 He looked at his sister seeing no lie then back to you who just shrugged as if saying "told you". Nuada's eyes widened slightly when he realized that he was truly wrong, after a closer look he now could see that you were a human if not a bit a different. However, his pride seems to be greater as instead of apologizing to you he turned on his heels and continued his walk. Nuala just stood in her place looking troubled as she turned her head between you and him. You gave her a reassuring smile with a nod saying that it was alright to follow him and she just mouthed "I'm sorry" before turning to follow her stubborn brother.

 "Being a human makes you even worst." He said before turning in a corner making the humans around him scatter in fear.

 A hurtful look crossed your face at his words. mythical creatures weren't the best either. You remembered your past when you ran from humanity, to join the other mythical beings, to feel belonged, but they also cast you away for being human born. You were an outcast from both humans and monsters. You lost hope on both sides but then you met doctor broom, who took care of you from afar until you finally decided to join the B.P.R.D. There you met different kinds of humans and monsters, a better kind, a kind that did not care for how you look or what can you do, they just saw you.

 And you believed that prince Nuada had the same problem he only saw the bad type of humans, greedy and selfish. He is unaware of those who can be selfless and kind. But just how doctor broom helped you see the better in both humans and monsters you were ready to do the same thing for Nuada.

---

 Nuada had just finished his training in the training room and the moment he existed he saw a small group of humans rush in after him. He knew they were waiting for him to finish so they can do their own training. The prince didn't care. He had made it clear for them how he despised humans around him and how he wanted to be alone when it was his time to train. They tried to argue but one glare from him made them step back.

 "Humans are such pathetic creatures." He grinned at that thought.

 To get to his room Nuada had to go pass the shooting-range that most humans practiced in and one red demon. He could already tell that Hellboy was in the range as well, it is hard to miss the bright red color. So Nuada tried to walk faster to avoid confrontations with the demon, who seemed to find joy in bothering him. Keeping his eyes forward Nuada kept walking fast and just when he was about to pass the room completely without being noticed he couldn't help but hear the familiar annoying voice of that human.

 "You are killing me here!" Exclaimed manning.

 Nuada now couldn't help but slow down and look behind him as expected. The giant red demon was standing in front of the human he serves under. It disgusted Nuada to no end. Hellboy was not only a powerful creature but also of royal blood and to see him in such a state, taking orders from a human who he can kill easily, makes the prince lose respect for him little by little. He continued to watch the bald human yell at the demon almost not feeling that someone was creeping up behind him. By instinct, Nuada swung his Silverlance as he turned around and brought the blade to the neck of the one who startled him.

 "Whoa!" You called then held your hands up, showing you were unarmed. "Sorry I didn't mean to scare you."

 Nuada gave you a harsh glare before retrieving his weapon again.

 "I was not scared." He defended himself.

 You opened your mouth to say something but both of your attention was pulled back to the shooting range seeing manning storm out of there.

 "This is a warning next time I won't be so kind!" He shouted before disappearing.

 Nuada just tsked at the human in anger and turned to walk back to his room. But this time you were following him and he could feel your eyes burning in the back of his head, he did his best to ignore you but you didn't let him.

 "Why are you so angry?" so asked calmly.

 "None of your concern." He replied straight forward.

 "It's because of manning, isn’t it?" you asked but he ignored you this time. "I didn't know you held a soft spot for Red, that's sweet-"

 "I do no!" Nuada cut you off. He had stopped and turned to face you. "The only thing I hold for that red demon is disgust for allowing himself to be treated in such a way by a human, an annoying one no less."

 You said nothing as the prince continued with his ranting.

 "That human treats everyone poorly but whats truly irritates me even more, is how he treats the one creature who has to deal with all of the missions and monsters, worst than anyone else in this place and a lot of times takes it too far!... No one does anything about it, just because he is a creature of darkness and not a human."

 Nuada huffed as he let everything out, you just stood there with a smile on your face that despite the angry frown he still showed it, he somehow… felt himself become calm.

 "I can understand your anger over how Mr. Manning treats Brother Red-"

 "So you do see it as well." He said interrupting you but you didn't seem to care as you continued.

 "I do, but I also saw him risk his safety to save Red's life when he was near death." Nuada looked with a raised brow, confused by your words. "You see, humans act on their true nature when they are faced with a life and death situation, wither it was their own or someone else's."

 "Just because they did one good deed doesn't redeem their greedy souls." Nuada argued as he continued his walk back to his room. This time you didn’t follow him but before he left completely you said in a voice loud enough for him to hear.

 "You will see the wrong in your words, for even mythical creatures souls can be as tainted as a human."

 He ignored your words, for the idea of a mythical creature be compared to a human disgusted him. for he believes that his kind is superior.

 ---

 The vehicle started to shake slightly, which indicated that they have left the smooth concrete road of the city and entered the rocky country roads. Inside Nuada sat silently as he listened to Abraham explaining what their mission is about. It appears that there was a massacre of some sort, before dawn a local man had heard distance sounds of screaming, he would have explored it himself if he hadn't heard the loud roar of a monster so he called the cops who by series of other calls ended in the B.P.R.D telling them to send agents to investigate the matter.

 Hellboy was excited for having the chance to go out again even if it was so early in the morning unlike you who looked tired from being forced to wake up too early, every now and then your mouth would break open into a yawn as you fought to stay awake, and when you almost gave in to sleep the vehicle would shake you awake which startled you. The scene was funny the prince and he made sure you knew it was funny for him by letting out a mocking laugh that annoyed you and the only response you could give was by sticking your tongue out.

 The vehicle cam into halt which means that they had arrived and none of them was ready for the sight that greeted them.

 The place was supposed to be your typical family farm, with wide green fields that animals would grass in near a big red barn, a big tree with a homemade swing dangling from one of its strong branches, standing beside a simple house for the family. But now, the green fields were tainted red with the dried blood of not animal carcasses but also a few adult humans or at least that's what they could till, from the multiple limps that scattered around them, parts of the red barn was broken as if something was trying to break it down. However, the sight that shocks them more was the family house that seemed to be in ruin and the multiple bodies that hung lifeless from the old tree.

 "Jesus…" Muttered Hellboy in a disturbed tone.

 Nuada didn't say anything, he showed no emotions towards death that surrounded them for two reasons. The first is because he was a warrior who fought in many wars that were a greater massacre than this one, and the second is because the dead were humans. He didn't show it but part of him is delighted by the sight, that a few of this earth's parasites had died. His thoughts were cut when he heard soft sobbing, he turned to see your (E/c) eyes filled with tears as you cried for the dead, the sight of your sorrowful face made him feel an ache in his chest.

 "Who could have done such a thing…" He said as you brought your hands to your face to try and wipe away your tears, Nuada came closer to you, wanting to comfort you but what you said next stopped him.

 "…They did not deserve it."

 Those words made any care he had for you that moment disappear as he again saw you only as another idiot human. How can you say they didn't deserve it?... All humans deserve death! They might have been farmers but they still damaged this earth. All humans care about is themselves. Nuada stood his ground and looked away from you, trying to ignore you as best as he could. It wasn't long until the other agents began spreading out to clean up the scene, one of them came forward to them.

 "It seems from the injuries we can till that it wasn't a human that causes it, and from the…" he turned to look at the hanged bodies on the tree that are being lowered down. " Display…They aren't an idiot one who would go on a rampage like some."

 At that, the agent earned a hard glare from the elven prince that made him jump with fear. The agent hurriedly averted his eyes from the prince to look at Hellboy instead.

 "A… Anyway, Manning wants you three to spread out and see if there was anything that might be related to the cause, and blue you are coming with me to see if you can trace anything."

 As Abraham went with the agent, Hellboy went near the destroyed family house, you took a cleaner area away from the dead bodies and blood, Nuada went to the green fields. He passed the animals carcasses that the humans were cleaning up, he ignored them as he went as far as he can, he just wanted to have some peace and quiet, enjoying what is left of the green earth. He stopped when his foot hit some kind of metal, when he looked down he saw the cover of a metal trapdoor. Nuada looked around to make sure no human was watching him and when he did he kneeled near it twisted the handle, opening it and being greeted with darkness.

 Not using the ladder, the prince jumped in,  landing unharmed to the ground causing a small cloud of dirt to form around him. he inspected his surrounding and saw how the place despite dark it quite spacious, and from the beds, chairs and other personal items there are those to live here…. or maybe "Lived" is the appropriate use because the place was a mess and from the stench of death that surrounded him there are probably a few bodies lying around that he couldn't see. Deciding not to wait for the humans, Nuada continued walking forward to examine the bunker further and the further he went he could see that few of the lights weren't destroyed which gave him a dim view of his path which encouraged him to go further in.

 After long minutes of just silence, Nuada was about to turn around to inform the humans what he had found when a slight movement caught his attention. Now, if it was anyone else they probably wouldn't have caught it with how low the sound was but the Elven prince was a strong warrior with high senses to alert him of any possible danger. With his right hand of the sheathed sword in his side, Nuada continued his walk, doing his best to follow the movement and he noticed how the closer he got the faster the movement became which meant that whatever was hiding from him wanted to escape from him.

 It didn't take long for the patient walking, to turn to fast walking then full-on running. Nuada was so close that he could see the shadowy figure, having enough of the chased, he unsheathed his sword and threw it to the large figure's right stopping him and when it was about to run to the other direction Nuada pulled another sword and threw it close to the figure's head that caused him to jerk back. Having it trapped Nuada finally pulled his last weapon which was the Silverlance and pointed it at it.

 "If you value your life you will reveal yourself and tell me what are you doing here."

 "Wait… I know who you are…" the figure said in realization, his voice was deep and monstrous. Nuada kept his hold tight on his weapon and his eyes locked on the creature, even if he was surprised by the statement.

 The figure seemed to notice how Nuada still didn't trust him, so he held his hands up in a sign of submission and walked slowly to what little light they had so that he could be seen clearly. Nuada's eyes widened slightly when he saw that the creature was a Gargoyle.

 Gargoyles were noble creatures, that like his people and many other beings were at war with the human race, then after witnessing how a group of humans and gargoyles were living peacefully both the gargoyles and humans decided on a continuing living together in peace. However, With time, the gargoyles were forced to live in hiding again by disguising themselves as statues above churches, still keeping their promise to protecting the humans from all harm.

 The gargoyle standing in front of him was taller than him almost towering over the prince, his skin was deep grey, broad shoulders, and muscular body that was covered only by a black loincloth. His semi-folded wings gave him an intimidating appearance, but it didn't intimidate the elven prince, not even when he saw how the horns were sticking out from his head, or by how his yellow covered eyes stared at him, for Nuada is confident that he is able to take that beast down. however, the showed his submission when he knelt before the prince, which startled the prince.

 "It is a true honor to finally meet the great King Nuada." The gargoyle said with such a deep pleased tone.

 "You know of me?" Asked Nuada not bothering to correct the beast with the title, for it pleased him. The beast snapped his head up with wide eyes and a grin.

 "Who doesn't know the great Nuada, the proud warrior who went through a great extent to rise the golden army again and wipe the humans, for not the sake of his people but all creature who are forced into the dark!"

 Nuada would be lying if his words didn't fuel his pride, he lowered his weapon but still had a hold of it.

 "You may stand." Said Nuada. The creature seemed pleased, when he did so Nuada finally noticed the little of dry blood on the gargoyle's feet and claws, causing him to narrow his eyes.

 "You are the cause of all these deaths." He stated, The gargoyle seemed surprised then Nuada pointed on his claws with his lance, as a realization dawned on him.

 "Oh… I missed those." As he said that the creature lifted his hand to his mouth and started to lick the dried blood away. Nuada seemed unfazed by the act. "Forgive my appearance great king for if I knew I was going to be in your presence I would have prepared myself."

 "Why did you do it?" Asked Nuada ignoring his words. The gargoyle licked the last of the blood then turned to the prince with such serious expression.

 "My reason is the same as yours, your majesty." He growled. "These lands have belonged to the gargoyles a long time ago, I am only taking back what is rightfully ours."

 "I see…" acknowledged Nuada. "Then where are the other gargoyles?"

 The creature expression to a deep angry frown as his yellow eyes turned red.

 "None of them joined me!" He sneered. "They are still continuing to protect the humans who are unaware of their guardians who spent their whole existence into risking their lives and enduring the humiliation of being a crapper for birds who rest on us when we sleep!"

 His voice grew louder and louder but Nuada was still unfazed as he watched the beast huff in anger.

 "My people are refusing to move, that is why I did what I did. If they saw how easy it is to crush the humans now while they are weak they will then have the courage to join me, so we can stand together proudly and not hide anymore!"

 Despite the gargoyle's aggressive manner, Nuada couldn't help but sympathize with him, for he as well, was fighting for his people even if they didn't fight alongside him. He had hoped that they would be with him if he raised the golden army once again, but because of the human's red pet he couldn't, and now he is forced to help the fight another creature who is like himself….But not this time. The elven prince swung his lance causing the gargoyle to flinch but then calm when he sees that he only sheathed his lance back.

 "What is your name?" asked Nuada.

 "Hugo, your majesty."

 "Hugo." Repeated Nuada with a nod. "I understand your hatred towards humans, and must admit I approve of how you decided to take the matter into your own hands for not only yourself but your people as well."

 Hugo's grin widened at the praise.

 "However…" The grin vanished."You will die soon by the hands of the Hellboy if you continued doing such a sloppy job."

 Nuada walked pass Hugo to get his sword back and secured it to his side.

 "The humans upstairs will kill you the moment they see you."

 Hugo is now alerted at his glared at the ceiling with a deep growl, his claws sharpened as his wings spread ready for a fight. Nuada assumed he might be hiding from the sun until nightfall and was unaware of the humans who are cleaning up his mess.

 "They do not know of you." Nuada assured the gargoyle who seemed to calm a  little. "And I promise you that they will still not know of you when I leave."

 Nuada turned to leave but stopped and turned his head to him.

 "When I wanted to destroy the humans I waited centuries until I had not only the skills but also the power to do it, so I advice you to do the same."

 Hugo lowered his head. "Yes, your majesty, I understand."

 Nuada nodded before leaving the creature to continue his hiding as he lured the humans away. He missed the mad grin that crossed Hugo's face showing his razor-sharp teeth.

 "I understand completely." Red once again ate the yellow of his eyes. "All I need is… more power."

    Nuada made it out of the underground and made sure to cover the entrance to hide it from snoopy humans. As he made his way back to the vehicle that brought him here, he noticed that the carcasses were gone but what was different was the increasing numbers of the organization's black cars. He was confused.

 "Nuada!" A voice called him when he turned he saw it was (Y/n) running towards him with a worried expression. "Where have you been?!... We have been trying to reach you but to no avail."

 "I have found a far green spot and got distracted by the wilderness." He lied easily. (Y/n) just shook her head at his words.

 "What is happening?" He asked earning her attention as he pointed to the multiple vehicles.” A sad frown crossed (Y/n)'s face.

 "We found out that there were more bodies to…"Clean-up"… in the barn" Her brows furrowed.

 "I see." Said Nuada nonchalantly as he continued his walk back ignoring the human girl.

 "They were monsters Nuada." He froze at her words. "Whoever killed the humans, they didn't spare the monsters either."

--- 

I hope all of your enjoyed this story and will look forwards for part 2, i liked that request so much I couldn’t help but turn it into different parts, I don’t know how long it will be but will see when i get there.

[denfant]

let’s  talk  about     :     claudia  and  her  love / hate  feelings  towards  her  fathers                     a  headcanon  broken  into  three  parts ,  with  various  subsections .

𝐿𝑂𝑈𝐼𝑆     𝐷𝐸     𝑃𝑂𝐼𝑁𝑇𝐸     𝐷𝑈     𝐿𝐴𝐶 .     her  favored  father ,  her  mortal  killer .

          a  majority  of  claudia’s  feelings  towards  louis  are  loving .     as  she  says  in  canon ,  she  can  never  hate  him ,  even  knowing  how  he  participated  in  her  vampiric  creation .     she  grew  to  appreciate  him  over  time ,  as  he  spent  time  whispering  into  her  ear  truths  of  the  world  that  lestat  did  not .     from  him ,  she  learned  that  lestat’s  opinions  were  not  fact ,  that  there  was  room  within  the  family  to  question  and  to  believe  differently .     she  absorbed  less  of  his  innate  goodness  and  hesitance  than  perhaps  he  would  have  wanted ,  but  in  his  attempts  and  his  attentions  she  found  room  for  herself  to  grow ,  to  age  in  mind  if  not  in  body .     she  knows  that  he  thinks  of  her  as  a  child ,  for  the  entirety  of  her  life ,  but  somehow ,  she  finds  it  more  annoying  than  infuriating .     perhaps  some  of  that  stems  from  the  fact  that  she  knows  he’ll  do  just  about  anything  she  asks  of  him  --  if  she  insisted  that  he  stop  doing  any  of  his  behaviors ,  he  would  at  least  attempt  to ,  for  her  sake .     but  she’d  never  do  such  a  thing ,  because  she  fears  that  it  would  change  him  in  ways  he  could  not  return  from  ( case  and  point  :  after  he  turns  madeleine  at  her  demanding ,  he  says  that  he  killed  the  final  part  of  his  humanity  for  her  --  she  accepts  it  as  a  necessary  evil ,  but  she  also  hates  hurting  him  at  the  same  time )  .           but ,  of  course ,  there  are  some  parts  that  she  isn’t  quite  as  fond  of ,  even  in  her  favorite  person  in  the  world  --  for ,  although  she  cannot  hate  him ,  she  is  still  perfectly  equipped  to  hold  grudges  and  to  be  annoyed  with  him .     the  first ,  and  most  powerful  ( and  most  obvious )  :  his  hand  in  her  turning .     she  has  an  exceptionally  difficult  time  rationalizing  the  louis  that  must  have  once  existed  to  the  one  she’s  always  known ,  to  the  point  where  she  doesn’t  think  she’ll  ever  be  able  to  do  so ,  and  anger  stirs  inside  of  her  at  the  idea  of  the  man  she  knows  doing  what  he  did  to  her ,  to  a  small ,  dying  child  that  only  wanted  comfort .     it’s  probably  for  the  benefit  of  their  relationship  that  she  remembers  nothing  of  that  night  itself ,  nothing  of  the  paternal ,  comforting  embrace  he  had  been  giving  to  her  moments  before  he  lost  control  of  himself  --  that  might  not  have  been  a  memory  she  would  be  willing  to  forgive ,  if  she  had  it .     another  is  his  love  for  lestat  :  how  can  louis  love  a  man  such  as  he ?     ( we’ll  put  a   pin  in  that  until  lestat’s  section ,  don’t  worry ,  it’s  coming . )     but  that  one  is  mostly  mitigated  by  louis’  willingness  to  help  get  rid  of  lestat’s  ‘ body ’  after  his  murder  at  claudia’s  hands ,  brought  up  again  in  my  regeneration  verse ,  but  that  has  to  be  played  out  a  little  more  for  me  to  come  to  any  conclusions  about  that .     also ,  we  can’t  forget  about  the  iconic  line  that  louis’  evil  is  not being  willing  to  be  evil  --  and  it  infuriates  claudia  to  no  end .           the  long  and  short  of  it ,  though ,  is  that  claudia’s  love  for  louis  outweighs  any  of  the  wrongs  he’s  done  her ,  even  if  she  wishes  that  such  a  thing  were  different .     she  will  forgive  louis  any  transgression ,  any  mistake ,  any  slip - up  for  two  powerful  reasons  :  first ,  because  she’ll  love  him  until  the  ends  of  the  earth  and  beyond ;  second ,  because  she  knows  that  he’ll  do  the  same  with  her .

𝐿𝐸𝑆𝑇𝐴𝑇     𝐷𝐸     𝐿𝐼𝑂𝑁𝐶𝑂𝑈𝑅𝑇 .          her  despiséd  father ,  her  immortal  sire .

          claudia’s  love  of  lestat  manifested  mostly  in  her  early  ‘ childhood ’ .     he  was  the  one  of  her  fathers  who  was  capable  of  teaching  her  the  things  a  baby  vampire  needs  to  know  :  how  to  kill ,  when  to  stop ,  how  to  tone  it  down  around  humans .     he  introduced  her  to  fine  fabrics ,  to  tending  to  her  wild  curls ,  to  well - crafted  dolls  and  to  the  piano .     oh  god ,  the  piano  :  the  instrument  did  almost  as  much  to  hold  the  family  together  as  louis  did .     there  were  three  things  that  claudia  and  lestat  could  agree  upon  in  the  world  :  one ,  love  of  louis  ;  two ,  a  love  of  the  hunt  ;  three ,  joy  in  music .     most  of  her  early  nights  were  spent  with  lestat  one  way  or  the  other ,  finding  joy  in  their  shared  interests  and  in  the  happy  little  family  that  they  shared .     she  could  feel ,  could  sense  his  pride  in  her  abilities ,  and  such  pride  would  bring  upon  a  rush  of  warm  and  loving  feelings  from  within  her .     for  a  while ,  he  was  her  god  --  her  young  brain  put  him  on  a  pedestal ,  the  paragon  and  idol  of  everything  her  new  life  meant .     but ,  as  with  all  things ,  a  person  placed  upon  a  pedestal  is  damned  to  fall  from  it  one  day .

          the  seeds  of  hatred  were  sowed  early  on ,  and  weren’t ,  honestly ,  entirely  lestat’s  fault .     he  had  quickly  taken  the  role  of  the  disciplinarian ,  as  louis  either  couldn’t  or  wouldn’t  --  and ,  like  any  child  taken  to  task ,  a  small  part  of  claudia  began  to  resent  him  for  it .     especially as  her  mind  grew ,  expanded ,  matured ,  and  lestat’s  treatment  of  her  did  not .     she  constantly  felt  belittled  in  his  presence ,  reduced  to  what  she  had  not  been  in  years  --  and  it  felt  like  any  time  she  tried  to  snap  back  and  prove  her  age ,  it  ended  up  being  a  tantrum  ( on  both  sides )  .     the  breaking  point  came  as  he  refused  to  share  information  with  her ,  refused  to  take  her  into  the  vampiric  trust  that  she  assumed  had  already  been  shared  with  louis  --  it  felt  like  the  final  insult ,  the  last  nail  in  the  coffin ,  if  you  will .     she  would  never  be  considered  grown  up  enough  to  know  all  of  the  details ,  and  not  only  that ,  she  would  be  trapped  in  new  orleans  forever .     this  ‘ knowledge ’  lead  her  to  the  decision  that  she  had  been  taught  to  make since  her  vampiric  birth  :  to  cause  death .

          claudia’s  murder  of  her  father  was  premeditated ,  up  until  a  point .     she  knew  that  she  had  to  get  him  out  of  the  way ,  for  a  few  reasons  :  one ,  he  would  keep  her  and  louis  trapped  in  louisiana  for  the  rest  of  their  immortal  lives ,  never  to  set  them  free  or  let  them  meet  others ,  if  there  were  any .     two ,  she  was  tired  of  being  treated  as  the  child  she  appeared  to  be ,  and  she  would  never  trust  lestat  enough  to  change .     and  three  --  and  perhaps  the  most  shameful  truth  of  the  lot  --  she  worried  that  louis  loved  lestat  more  than  he  loved  her ,  and  that  he  would  never  leave  if  staying  was  an  option . . . so  she  had  to  make  it  no  longer  an  option .

          but  beneath  the  layers  of  anger ,  the  years  of  unspoken  words  and  the  wrong  ones  being  voiced ,  claudia  actually  does  have  love  for  lestat .     a  lot  of  her  hatred  comes  from  being  far  too  similar  to  him ,  in  understanding  some  of  his  reasoning  half  of  the  time  but  understanding  none  of  it  the  rest .     the  fact  that  she  knows  that  there  are  things  that  he  would  never  share ,  and  hating  him  for  the  fact  that  he  has  knowledge .

𝑂𝑁𝐸     𝐻𝐴𝑃𝑃𝑌     𝐹𝐴𝑀𝐼𝐿𝑌 .          the  little  clan  together ,  and  conclusion .

          being  the  linchpin  in  the  unholy  union  of  lestat  and  louis  was  a  burden  that  claudia  was  furious  to  have  to  bear .     does  she  love  them  both ,  in  her  own  way ?     yes ,  actually ,  she  does .     does  she  hate  them  both ,  in  her  own  way ?     sort  of !     claudia  definitely  lacks  the  skill  and  willingness  to  fully  explore  the  depth  of  her  own  feelings  towards  them  both .     and ,  honestly ,  she  finds  it  easier ,  less  objectionable ,  to  shove  all  of  her  hated  towards  lestat  and  all  of  her  love  towards  louis .     a  decent  amount  of  this  is  because  louis ,  from  the  get - go ,  hides  far  less  from  her  that  lestat  does ,  and  she  feels  more  trusted  and  grown - up  with  him .     with  louis ,  she  feels  less  like  she  was  created  as  a  tool ,  an  object  purchased  to  keep  one  trapped .     with  lestat ,  she  feels  the  freedom  in  being  able  to  kill  without  remorse ,  and  to  be  applauded  for  it .

          claudia  truly  is  half  of  each  of  her  fathers .     and  the  half  that  doesn’t  align  with  whichever  man  she’s  speaking  to  rails  against  him  and  his  choices .     she  has  the  self - control  of  louis ,  but  the  explosive  anger  of  lestat  --  a  dangerous  combination ,  that  can  result  in  such  premeditated  actions  as  the  attempted  murder  of  lestat .     in  a  better  world ,  she’d  be  able  to  balance  the  two ,  to  articulate  her  struggles  without  the  fear  of  being  belittled  or  misunderstood ,  but  claudia  never  lived  in  a  better  world .     she  made  do  with  the  one  that  she  was  given ,  making  the  choices  of  a  child  with  the  abilities  of  a  being  far  more  powerful .

[ultravioletsoul]

Maybe an unpopular opinion regarding Makarov/Character Analysis (part 1)

Sometimes I read comments of CoD fans saying that Vladimir always was an asshole for apparently no reason, that he was the typical Russian cliché villain doing cliché bad things (such an original concept, I know). And while I do agree that for the most part the games didn’t do a very good job at giving him any significant depth (and he acts like a jerk, it’s true), I also have to say that he’s probably one of the most misunderstood characters in the series. Not because I think he was some poor innocent man who did nothing wrong, but because his villainous portrayal tends to take the spotlight every time he’s onscreen and we literally cannot see anything else beyond that. Which, of course, makes him look very one-dimensional since the game always has to remind you in oh-not-so-subtle ways how evil he is.

The story of MW never goes into full detail as to what drove him to do the horrible things he did. And it’s not clear unless one bothers to analyze some obscure information hidden in the loading cutscene of No Russian and does a little research on the side. In all honesty, I wish his story would have been better explained and developed by other means than just a slideshow of newspaper articles and an overview of his dossier. I would have been content with a special trailer that actually explained his background, rather than have him say some pseudo Sun Tzu lines in a few teasers and let that be the entirety of his character development but okay… I guess this was as far as Infinity Ward’s story-telling capabilities went back then.

Sure, you may think: who the hell cares about his motivations? He was an evil mofo and needed to be put down. Well, unfortunately for these people, I exist and I do care because Vladimir is one of my faves— perhaps my most favorite character in the entire MW universe. And though I like him because he’s an unapologetic baddie, that’s not the only reason.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t think Vladimir is this super complex character that nobody else gets, but there are definitely some elements that give him a few extra layers and they’re worthy of being analyzed.

Beware, this is going to be a long post and will contain a few historical references. This isn’t a comprehensive breakdown, and I’ll probably make a lot mistakes along the way because I’m not a history buff by any means (please, don’t yell at me ;A;), but it should be a rough explanation of what I think led Vladimir to such extremist views and why I think he’s a good antagonist in Call of Duty. Also it could be a helpful reference for anyone who wishes to write a story about him.

I’m not claiming this is the most accurate interpretation of Vladimir, or that it’s the only valid one, but if any of this information comes in handy or offers a different insight into his character then I’ll consider my mission accomplished.

Without further ado, here we go!

Tagging @sunset-and-periwinkle​​​ and @renegad3spectre​ because they may be interested in this post :v

1. No Russian

So one of the first recollections that come to mind when thinking about MW2 is the infamous mission of No Russian. This kind of content was so violent and crude for its time that it caused quite the controversy and it still divides the opinion between people who think videogames should push boundaries and people who believe there are things that shouldn’t be portrayed in such an offhanded way. Whether including that level in MW2 was a good or terrible choice is not the point of this post. However, I’ll share my personal experience.

Me, back when I played this mission I didn’t give it much thought. I mean… it didn’t have this serious impact on me as I’m guessing the developers intended, from what I’ve read, but that’s mainly because I wasn’t mature enough to make a proper assessment of the story-line and to me CoD games weren’t about deep narratives either. Keep in mind that I was an immature kid and I just wanted to play a game that my brother enjoyed. So yes, without much thought I breezed through No Russian, accomplished the objectives and it wasn’t until the end of the mission that I realized I’d been played like a damn fiddle.

And my first reaction to seeing Makarov killing me was “bro, I thought we were allies”. Never mind the carnage that had ensued moments ago, never mind that I had participated in it. I was more offended by this unexpected 'betrayal' and well... imagine how stupid I was for thinking Vladimir could be my friend. The fact that Allen was a CIA agent completely eluded me and I didn’t understand a freaking thing of what was going on but that was on me. I shouldn’t have been playing those games at my young age because evidently I wasn't ready to handle adult themes like that.

Replaying this mission now that I’m older made me realize how messed up it was, and maybe not for the most obvious reasons. Yeah, innocent people die all around us and that's something we cannot stop from happening, no matter what we do. However, it’s not really necessary for us to hurt civilians to complete the level (we’re not punished for not doing it) so we can be simple witnesses to the brutality ensuing in front of us, which is as equally messed up perhaps. You can even skip the whole mission altogether if you want to, so no biggie: you’re spared the nightmare fuel and you can happily head to Brazil to capture Alejandro Rojas. Heck, you’re even rewarded a glimpse of Ghost ready to torture Alejandro’s assistant and all is back to normal, yay!

However, when you think about it, from the perspective of the story, Allen wasn’t given the option to skip anything. He was pushed to commit a vile deed and ordered to follow Makarov’s lead no matter how morally questionable those actions turned out to be in the end. Shepherd told him that this mission would cost him a piece of himself and he was right about it. Had Allen survived, I’m pretty sure he would have been scarred for life after what he did. I don’t know how he could have lived with himself knowing that he slaughtered all those innocent people. Vladimir killing him off was kind of… an act of mercy in a way, though of course we know he had completely different intentions for doing so.

So people may wonder, why the heck Vladimir carried out that massacre? Some common opinions I read is because he’s an asshole, because he’s crazy, because he wants to make a statement, because he enjoys being a psychopath and hurting others. All these may be true to some extent, we’ll never know for sure, but it’d be very simplistic to just leave it at that without taking into consideration other elements of the story that were left implicit.

I’m going to say that, from my perspective, I didn’t get the impression Makarov enjoyed killing those civilians (but hear me out, neither did he regret it!). It would have been pretty easy to make him this psycho that slaughters people with a smile on his face, but that’s not what we see in No Russian… and perhaps it’s even more terrifying when you realize how casual he is about the whole affair. You really get the impression that he’s a man on a mission and he carries it out in a very no-nonsense manner, does it all with a straight face, without batting an eyelash, without any trace of doubt about what he’s doing, not even a hitch in his voice, absolutely no emotion whatsoever. His actions, his words, his whole demeanor, all scream about being a professional at what he does for better or for worse.

He didn’t know these people, he had no quarrel with them, and yet he killed them all in cold blood. Why? Because they were stepping stones to his goals and there was a very established purpose for that op. To the rest of the world, yea, it  may seem like there’s no logical reason for what he did other than he’s nuts but, honestly, Vladimir could care less about that. The only thing that matters to him are the results.

Even if the whole world thinks that he’s insane, in his mind this was the most reasonable course of action. To him it had to be done, there was no other way, and he didn’t hesitate to pull the trigger when the time came because he was truly convinced it was the right thing to do. The fact that he (a criminal who’s wanted by the entire world and probably cannot afford to leave himself out in the open) participated in that brutal event shows the utmost importance it had to his plans. Vladimir personally oversaw and carried out the operation, he didn’t leave anyone else in charge because of the very special meaning it had for him. He says “for Zakhaev” before engaging FSB units because this incident would mark the beginning of a new chapter in Russian history, a chapter Vladimir would write in honor of the man who was his friend and mentor— the man who started it all, who gave him a cause to believe in and fight for.

He definitely had his reasons for what he did. They were the wrong reasons of course, but Vladimir didn’t act on a whim nor did he waste his time on matters that didn’t advance his agenda. He didn’t start a war nor massacred hundreds of people at that airport for simple fun and without a solid motive (though this isn’t by any means a justification, it still was a pretty shitty thing to do). We all know that it was a false flag operation, as he wanted to put the blame on the US for the attack. His intention was sparking a war between Russia and America and he was willing to achieve that by any means necessary, even if thousands of his countrymen had to die, even if he had to make common cause with Shepherd (we don’t know under which circumstances and terms), a man who by all accounts should have been his worst enemy— a man who had set up an entire task force for the sole purpose of hunting Vladimir down. And don’t get me wrong, they weren’t buddies, they still hated each other’s guts and would kill the other in a heartbeat, but they were willing to work together towards the same goal because none of them would succeed on their own.

So, ultimately, Vladimir’s objective was riling up the public opinion to push for an invasion of America and provide the Russian government a ‘legitimate’ reason to do it. Does this have 9/11 commentary undertones? Well, I’m not gonna be the judge of that but it could be a possibility.

However, to understand this moment, we’ll have to go much further back in time.

2. His Childhood

This is going to be a huge oversimplification of Soviet history, I’m afraid, so my apologies in advance. Don’t take my word as the absolute truth, this is barely scratching the surface.

According to the information seen in No Russian, and Return to Sender, little Volodya was born on April 10th (not sure how reliable is the wiki since I was convinced he was born on October 4th *shrugs*) of 1970 in Ivanovo, Russian Soviet Federative Socialist Republic. Or for those who, like me, don’t like those long names, better known as Soviet Russia.

As a curious fact, Ivanovo is known as the City of Brides because it was a very important center of textile industries in the Soviet Union that attracted many young women seeking work. It also has an important historical significance as hotbed for revolutionary activity in czarist Russia and was the city where supposedly the first Bolshevik assembly took place (earning the nickname of City of the First Soviet). During the Second War it proved invaluable as a front city, located close to enemy lines, receiving refuges and injured soldiers of the Red Army that treated their wounds in the many hospitals that were set up for that purpose. Also, in addition to producing armament and fighting in the war, the citizens made good use of their industries and donated huge quantities of fabric to make millions of uniforms.

Back to the topic, next thing we have to wonder is what Vladimir’s life was like as a child born in the 70s. We don’t know much about it and it’s never even mentioned anywhere in the game but, if we had to hazard a guess, he most likely had a relatively happy childhood— raised like any average Soviet kid at the time. His parents were maybe workers, maybe doctors, maybe engineers, maybe teachers, maybe in the military, but they surely weren’t bad people and they wanted their son to be a decent member of society. They didn’t raise him to be a criminal, they didn’t shape him into a monster. If Vladimir had at least one grandfather alive, then he would have served during the Great Patriotic War (a term used in Russia and other former Soviet republics to refer to the conflict in the Eastern Front during WWII). And as a kid, Volodya probably grew up in a typical khrushchyovka apartment with his family. It wasn’t very luxurious but, you know, it wasn’t so bad either and it was home sweet home for them.

Now you gotta imagine what growing up in the Soviet Union was like. Education was heavily influenced by the Communist party and children swam in a sea of propaganda. No, no matter what western propaganda says, they didn’t teach him to hate the west as a kid. Vladimir didn’t want to wipe out Americans from the face of the Earth or skin them alive as you probably imagined at some point, but from a young age he was taught to be proud of being born in the greatest country in the whole world and he pitied the ‘oppressed’ American workers for their lack of Soviet blessings, for being unable to stand up to their imperialist overlords. Heck, this was a popular song in the 80s, when he was about ten years old and probably every Soviet kid sang it at school, including him.

Speaking about that, at school he must have been in contact with several ethnic groups— remember that the industries attracted a lot of people to Ivanovo, particularly women, from many places all over the Soviet Union and, even to this day, Ivanovo is a multi-cultural city with over a hundred nationalities. It’s safe to say that Vladimir would have never given it much thought if someone wasn’t an ethnic Russian nor would he have cared. There weren’t nationalities or differences back then. Everyone was a Soviet citizen and everyone was equal or so it would seem at least, if you ignore the multiple genocides, mass killings, deportations and other horrors of the Stalin era before the Soviet Union adopted a more moderate domestic policy and started a process of de-stalinization after his death— eliminating his cult of personality and other institutions that allowed him to hold autocratic power.

This was also known as the Khrushchev Thaw period, and it was during this time that repression and censorship began to become more lax thanks to Nikita Khrushchev’s policies, and millions of prisoners were released from the gulags. It also opened up the Soviet Union to some economic reforms, trade with other countries, as well as educational and cultural exchanges in the form of foreign uncensored books and movies, music, dances, fashion, and new forms of entertainment in national television. So all this would seem a shift towards a more positive outlook for the Soviet citizens.

Our little Volodya shared and played with other kids in his neighborhood in the playgrounds of the apartment buildings, maybe fell off those Soviet swings and whacked his head a few times but that was okay, he still had fun and laughed and cried like any other child. He grew up listening to old pop music, synth (because people just didn’t listen to patriotic music all the time) and watching Bollywood movies which were all the rage at the time in the USSR as an alternative to western cinema. He had friends, a family that loved him. He spent weekends at the dacha (cottages outside the city) working the land with his family, growing fresh produce. He probably had an affectionate babushka that looked after him, told him many stories, and cooked hearty meals for him because she was a genius at handling finances and feeding the family. She surely was a god-believing woman despite the widespread atheism in a society where the word of Marx and Lenin had an almost religious significance, who took no shit from anyone, and who would  chew Vladimir’s head off if he so much went out under-dressed in a breezy day. Even as a grown ass man, she would still intimidate him because you don’t mess with babushkas!

Like a good Soviet kid he was taught to never lie, to help his parents and respect the work of others, to have good manners and not be a spoiled brat, to be considerate and kind to his elders, encouraged to be resourceful, to do things by himself and not expect others to come to his aid, to improve his culture and intellect, to study hard and become someone who would help build the future of socialist paradise. He probably collected silly trinkets like many kids do, he spent his time learning to carve wood and other crafts, reading about the great war heroes and the communist leaders. Year after year he played zarnitsa, a war game for kids and a very popular activity in the Young Pioneers (the Soviet ‘Boy Scouts’, so to speak) that trained young generations for military life, compulsory for every man, cultivating their love for the USSR and preparing them to defend the homeland from the enemy.

Life back then could be tough at times, true, but he must have been quite happy and there was joy to be had. He was raised to be patriotic, a good communist, living in what he believed was a place of peace where all were equals and all were comrades. Having little contact with western influences, he grew up listening to a carefully woven narrative and was told of the decadence of warmonger capitalists that feared the spread of communism so much that they would wage countless wars to stop it and destroy other peace-loving nations. So much could be argued regarding this statement, sure, but this is what he was told and it was during a time when Operation Condor (the US-backed campaign of state terrorism and wave of right-wing dictatorships in Latin America during the 70s-80s) was in full swing to eradicate communism and any Soviet influence from South America. Not to mention the many proxy wars waged throughout these decades, as well.

“For years the western hypocrisy has made the world a battlefield.”

Little Octobrists and Young Pioneers were a thing and the Communist ideology was still going strong even if some started to quietly question it. Not that many did, at any rate, since the dreaded KGB kept a close eye on everyone so dissidents wouldn’t spread the wrong ideas in the Soviet society. Well, at that time maybe you wouldn’t be sent to a gulag just for saying bad things but someone would ‘talk’ some reason into you and there would be subtle threats to tone your attitude down or else your life and that of your relatives could be screwed. Don’t say this, don’t do that, the walls have ears and you’re being watched.

You have to keep in mind that he also grew up under the constant threat of nuclear annihilation. And much like American kids, Vladimir would have been greatly concerned about nuclear armageddon and be familiarized with procedures to follow in case such a terrible event came to pass.

The US and Russia pointed nukes at each other for many years and the NATO military exercises of Able Archer— at the peak of Cold War hysteria— didn’t help matters. These were annual exercises but that year of 1983, new elements never seen before had been introduced, and then there was the menace of the new Pershing II nuclear missiles that had been recently deployed in Western Europe. If launched, these would be able to reach their target in less than ten minutes (faster than any other missile known until then), landing with high accuracy and virtually no warning.

Until then the only thing stopping a nuclear war was the threat of mutually assured destruction, but these missiles tipped off the scales in favor of the west, since the Soviets would have no way to retaliate if their command centers or even their own missile launch facilities were targeted. So the Soviet Politburo was very concerned about this situation, in a time when president Reagan poured great efforts to fight the Brezhnev Doctrine (which established the legitimization of military interventions in Eastern bloc states, or any country that became a threat to international socialism) and show the world that the USSR wasn’t indestructible.

The increase in realism of these exercises, the strained relationship with the US under the Reagan administration, previous psychological operations, participation of heads of government in the exercise, and recent deployment of these new ballistic missiles, made the Soviet military believe that the US and NATO were preparing for a preemptive strike and that the exercise was nothing but a ruse. In response, the Soviets readied their nukes, air forces in East Germany and Poland were put on high alert to any funny business, and Soviet intelligence monitored the situation closely for signs of an impeding attack.

After nine days, the exercises came to an end and that was probably the time both countries were the closest to nuclear annihilation since the Cuban missile crisis of 1962.

So in those years, Vladimir was living under the administration of Leonid Brezhnev famously known for his era of stagnation and also for his passionate kisses (the famous socialist fraternal kiss, you guys :v). Though it’s worthy of being mentioned that in the early 70s the Soviet Union had reached the peak of international power and prestige.

Nikita Khrushchev, Brezhnev’s predecessor, had promised that by the 80s communism would be a reality and maybe that wasn’t so hard to believe at the time. The economy was growing at a rate of about 3% annually and things had started off relatively well in the mid 60s when Brezhnev assumed office. There was full employment, even minimal wage was sufficient to afford basic necessities, healthcare was a given, education in all levels was free and once you finished university or a vocational course, there was a job waiting for you. Things were pretty much settled for everyone. There wasn’t a lot to worry about, not many uncertainties. It was a pleasant predictive life for the most part. Not perfect, by any means, and it had its difficulties but Vladimir’s family felt protected and safe and they had great hopes for the future.

What went wrong then?

To be continued in part 2

[natasha-cole]

Worlds Collide Chapter 27

Summary: In the wake of her legal trouble with her own mother, Reader is just trying to pull her life together. She feels like a burden to Billy and although she she’s just trying to be more independent, she realizes that she doesn’t have to do it alone.

Word Count: 3567

Warnings: mild angst, gross fluff

Notes: I did it. I wrote something. *insert happy tears*

Masterlist

The first couple of months of living with Billy weren’t as easy as you would have liked them to be. You had eagerly agreed to moving in with him, but after a while, you just felt like a burden. 

It had taken some time to get back on your feet after everything with your mother. During that time, Billy had been a saint, taking care of you and never expecting anything in return. It only made you feel worse and eventually, you felt that you had overstayed your welcome. 

The hardest part about it was that you and Billy argued a lot. Well, mostly just you tried to argue a lot. Billy remained calm during the moments when it all became too much for you. A lot of the time, you were just frustrated with yourself and the situation you had gotten yourself into. You were frustrated that you were actually quite dependent on him for a while.

You had to hand it to him, even in those moments when you were picking fights, he never once allowed your anxieties to get too far. He had a way of calming you in the moments when you felt the most lost.

***

On one particular day, you were in the kitchen struggling with a jar of strawberry jelly, realizing that you were getting upset rather easily over something that wasn’t that serious. Just as you were about to give up and cry over the fact that you were bad at even accomplishing this stupid task, Billy strolled into the kitchen. 

He instantly noticed that you were struggling and looking upset, so he approached you without a word, gave you a kiss on your cheek as he took the jar from you and opened the lid as if it were nothing.

Handing it back to you, he smiled and headed toward his original destination, the fridge.

You should’ve just thanked him and carried on. You should have been grateful that he had attempted to save you from a meltdown that you felt was coming. Instead, you immediately got defensive and had a meltdown anyway.

It was a default setting by now. And although you had been working on trying to calming it, you weren’t always able to. This helplessness piled on top of the uselessness that you felt in this entire situation was just too much sometimes.

“I could have done that myself,” you said sternly.

“I know you could’ve,” he replied with a grin as he glanced over at you from behind the refrigerator door. 

“Then stop trying to make me feel like I’m useless.”

“You looked like you were struggling. I was just helping.”

“I didn’t ask for your help,” you responded. 

“I know. I just- figured I’d help anyway.”

“I don’t need your help!” You shouted suddenly.

Without really thinking, you slammed the jar onto the counter, knowing that if you didn’t put it down, you’d probably throw it because you were so frustrated. Before you could do anything else, you broke out into tears. 

You heard Billy sigh as he closed the fridge door. He focused his attention on you and you felt worse. 

You didn’t mean to snap at him. It wasn’t his fault that you were feeling this way so often. Although you were angry inside, it had nothing to do with him. 

He waited for you to calm down a bit before approaching you. When he did, you instantly grasped onto him, burying your face in his chest as you let out the last of your sobs for that moment. 

Unfortunately, he had gotten used to this. Ever since you had freed yourself from your mother and the people who worked for you, you had been struggling to hold onto anything that made you feel independent and capable. A lot of the time, you felt anything but. Mostly, you just felt sort of lost. 

You knew Billy was only trying to help, but you still had a hard time with accepting help. Still, he remained patient with you, and although you couldn't say it out loud, you appreciated it more than anything. 

All you were trying to do at this point was find your footing, and sometimes it wasn't pretty. It also didn’t help that you had never really learned how to manage your emotions, especially when you were frustrated or upset. 

“I’m sorry,” you mumbled, still pressing your face into his shirt, afraid to look at him after that stupid meltdown.

“It’s okay,” he replied.

You relaxed into him more, paying attention to the way he gripped onto your back with one hand and stroked your hair with the other. 

He didn’t call you out on your behavior. Nor did he tell you to calm down. He had just gotten into the habit of being completely present during moments like these. No judgement, no attempt to argue back… just being there to let you know he was with you no matter what.

***

Gradually, things began to fall more into place. You finally agreed to seek therapy, even if you thought the idea of it was stupid at first. Billy and most of your friends thought it would be good for you to talk to someone about what your mother had put you through and although you hated to admit it, they had been right. 

You had lost everything thanks to your mother, but sometimes you had to remind yourself that you had gained so much more in the process. Back when she was in your life, she controlled a lot of it, no matter how much you told yourself that she didn't. 

Therapy had at least made you understand that what she had put you through was unhealthy and abusive. It helped you to come to terms with the fact that her behavior had damaged you, but that you were capable of working through that.

It helped that you had a support system now. Billy and your friends had your back regardless of who you had been in the beginning of becoming a part of the show and the conventions.

***

Just a few months after all of the legal trouble with your mother, you found yourself back to work doing conventions. You chose to take some time away for your own health, but once the news had become boring to most people and you began to feel a bit more comfortable living with Billy, you decided to get back out there. Truthfully, you missed doing conventions and you missed the people that you had become friends with. It didn’t hurt that your boyfriend was a permanent staple to cons and would be there every step of the way as you returned.

On day one of the Vancouver convention, you were catching up with the girls during a break in the greenroom, relaying your last meltdown over the jar of jelly to them and wondering out loud why you were so crazy. 

“Honestly, why do any of you even bother with me?” You asked with a sigh as you slumped down onto the couch. 

“You grew on us,”  Kim said. “I never thought it would happen, but you’re one of us.”

“You’re family, no matter how much you try to fight it,” Briana added.

“I’m not fighting it anymore,” you replied. “I’m grateful. I wouldn’t be where I am today if it weren’t for all of you. Still, sometimes I just feel so… lost. Useless. I can’t even begin to explain what it’s like, knowing that Billy is basically taking care of me because I fucked up my own life.”

“He’s happy to have you living with him,” Ruth chimed in. “He talks about you all the time.”

“I know,” you replied. “I just wish I contributed more. It’s taking some time to save up and dig myself out of the financial hole my mom put me in. I just feel bad.”

“He’s definitely not rushing you,” she responded. 

“He’s not. But, I’ll feel better when I can be out of his hair and taking care of myself.”

“I thought he asked you to move in with him,” Kim said, confusion evident in her expression.

“He did. But, it’s supposed to be a temporary thing.”

“I don’t know if that’s what he meant…” she trailed off.

You recalled that day after meeting with the lawyer and deciding that you wanted out of whatever hold that your mother had on you. You had been relieved and scared, and Billy had eagerly asked you to move in with him. You never assumed that it was meant to be a permanent thing, but now you wondered if you had misunderstood what he meant. Apparently, even the girls knew more than you did.

“Have you two talked about what happens once you get back on your feet?” Briana asked. 

“Aside from my career… I guess not,” you answered. “We haven’t really discussed our future at all.”

“Well, I for one think that you should talk to him about that,” Kim said. “You might think that him asking you to move in was just him helping you out during all of this, but I kinda think that he feels differently about it.”

“You think he wants me to stay? Like, for good?”

“I just think he loves you and when someone asks the person that they love to move in with them, it’s usually meant to solidify the seriousness of the relationship,” she replied. “But I guess you should just ask him.”

“How do I ask him without offending him? Isn’t this something that I should just know?”

“You’re getting better at communication,” Kim added. “Just talk to him. Because he has definitely made it sound like you living with him is permanent, but obviously he didn’t clear that up with you, or you just didn’t understand that’s what he meant.”

“How am I so bad at relationships?” You asked in frustration.

“Because he’s your first real relationship,” Ruth answered. “And you didn’t exactly have great role models to teach you how to have a healthy relationship.”

***

One panel and two photo op sessions later, you finally had another small break. Knowing that the band was also on break now that Rob, Rich, and Matt were onstage, you decided to seek out Billy to talk to him.

You wandered into the sparsely occupied greenroom, immediately spotting Billy sitting near a table. He was absentmindedly strumming his guitar as softly as he could and you could hear him singing quietly to himself. 

You didn’t hear him sing often, no one really did, but you loved it when you did get the chance to hear him. You stayed in place, smiling to yourself as you listened, not wanting him to know you were standing there for fear that he would get embarrassed and stop.

When he finally felt your stare, he glanced up at you and simply smiled as continued to play and sing, not missing a beat. You had assumed he’d stop when he realized that he was being watched, but it was only you. No matter what, he was safe with you and you were safe with him.

You made your way toward him finally, pulling up a chair to sit next to him and he stopped playing and put the guitar down.

“Has anyone ever told you that you have a lovely singing voice?” You asked.

“Yeah,” he chuckled. “It’s always an attempt to get me to sing onstage.”

“You should do it more often,” you smiled as you leaned closer to him. “You know, so others can enjoy that voice as much as I do.”

He leaned toward you, reading your body language as he gave you a long, slow kiss.

“Can I ask you something?” You said as the kiss ended.

“Anything.”

“I was talking to the girls earlier, and after our conversation, I’m beginning to wonder if I’ve been misunderstanding our current situation.”

“Mine and yours?” He asked.

“Yeah. See, I’ve been a mess lately and you’ve been so patient and good to me. I’ve just been so focused on getting my life back together so I can get out there and really be on my own. I feel like such a burden to you, and-”

“You are not a burden,” he said, cutting you off before you could sink too far down into your own negative thoughts.

“I just- have felt that I am,” you continued. “This whole time I just assumed that I was staying with you until I got back on my feet.”

You paused, waiting for him to maybe tell you that you were right or that you were wrong. Either way, you wanted him to clarify for you because you were afraid of getting your hopes up over what the girls had said.

“I asked you to move in with me,” he said. “I meant it.”

“Yeah, I know. But, I guess I just didn’t know if that meant until I can financially be okay on my own, or if you meant that you wanted me around for good.”

He gave you a soft smile just then, noting your nervousness. He scooted his chair closer to you so that his leg was pressed against yours, the physical closeness instantly calming you. He leaned over and kissed you again.

“I like having you around,” he explained. “I want to keep you around if that’s what you want. I want for you to be able to start over, just like you’ve been trying to do. But, I also want for you and I to keep building on this relationship, because I think we are so good together.”

His words were just what you needed to hear.  You really were starting over again. Mostly, you were beginning to learn to be on your own, a difficult process for you that Billy had witnessed far too often. It was difficult, but you were trying.

You also knew that none of this would even be possible without him. You would probably still be under your mother’s thumb, being controlled by other people and still miserable. You wouldn’t have even begun to explore what it would be like to be free. You wouldn’t have experienced love at all if it hadn’t been for him.

“So, you meant that I should move in with you… for good?” You asked.

“If that’s what you want,” he replied. 

He looked at you as if he were trying to read you right now. Admittedly, this must have come across as a bit of a surprise to him. You had both been on completely different pages when it came to this part of your relationship. Although your relationship was strong, it still had its faults. Mostly that fell on you and your inability to manage emotions and take other people’s feelings into consideration. Communication wasn’t easy for you still, but you really were working on it.

“I didn’t realize that I wasn’t clear back then,” he continued. “I’m clearing it up now. I want you to stay with me. I just want to be the one that you always come home to.”

“It’s always been you,” you smiled as you reached up to playful tug on his beard. “Even when I was just annoyed by you and that beard… it was always you.”

“You’re such a sap.”

“ You know, I was just going through life, sort of blind and lost and alone. I don’t know why or how you chose that specific moment to make your move on me, but it was really good timing.”

“I just- had a feeling about you,” he chuckled in return. 

“Then I would like to stay living with you, if that’s okay.”

“It’s perfect,” he responded. 

He reached over and took your hand in his, squeezing it gently as the two of you looked at each other. You had so much love for this man, and he had changed your life completely. That was why, in this moment, you decided to see if he meant what he said when he talked about the two of you building on this relationship.

You had thought of it often, progressing your relationship even more, but you never really felt as if you were good enough for him. Even as you worked on yourself, you didn’t know if you were worth it. Billy always had a way, especially in moments like these, of reminding you that he really did love you; faults and all. 

“Billy?” You said softly.

“Yeah?”

“I’m about to get really sappy here, and I’d appreciate it if you don’t make fun of me for it.”

“I would never.”

“You made me believe in love. And, if it hadn’t been for you, I would have stayed in a really bad situation.”

“You got out of that on your own, Y/N.”

“I know. But, if it hadn’t been for you showing me that I was worth anything, I might not have realized that I deserved better.”

“Y/N,” he whispered, tightening his grip on your hand.

You didn’t let him say anything though. You had it in your mind what you wanted to say all right now, so you continued speaking before you could chicken out.

“You make me a better person. Like, literally,” you laughed. “I was an awful person before you. I just realized right now that I would be stupid not to seal the deal.”

He cocked his head, now looking at you in confusion as this simple conversation about living together had taken an unexpected turn.

“I love you,” you said simply.

“I love you too, Y/N.”

Still, he stared at you in confusion, not letting go of your hand as he waited for you to get to the point. 

It was now or never. You could say what you wanted to say, or you could just end it at that and probably leave him confused for the rest of the day.

You were nervous now, so you kissed him again, hoping that it would ground you just enough to get yourself through something that was scary and had come to your mind so suddenly. For a moment, you thought yourself to be an idiot for even thinking of it, but as you pulled back from the kiss and looked into his eyes, you knew you had no reason to be afraid.

You were safe with him.

“Marry me?” You said softly as you reached up to hold his face in your hands, surprising even yourself that you had just said that.

“What?” 

You noted the look of shock on his face, his eyes wide as he took in what you had just asked. You instantly regretted saying anything at all. It was too soon. It was too much. Although the thought had seemed right in the moment, you knew you shouldn’t have asked. 

“I’m sorry-” you responded, now trying to think of a way to take it back.

“Did- did you just propose to me?”

The biggest part of you, that scared little girl who acted tough but was really just broken and afraid, wanted to take it back. She wanted to laugh it off as a joke now that she was being questioned about it. She wanted to run away and do whatever she could to avoid being hurt again, especially now that she was faced with the possibility of the one person she loved most in this world turning her down. 

The other part of you, the woman who had fought to become more in control of her life and choices, seemed to be the stronger part of you now. Although you were terrified right now and you wondered if your question would scare him away, you realized that you had to stand firm on what you had said, because it was what you wanted after all.

You never had any doubt that Billy loved you too. Honestly, you were surprised that he hadn’t popped the question himself sooner. But, the two of you had never discussed the possibility and you knew it was because he was still intent on making sure you were comfortable with all of the changes that had been happening and the advancement of your relationship.

But you had decided just now that you were done waiting for him. 

“I did,” you said finally. 

This moment was probably the bravest you had ever been in your life. You knew you were faced with the possibility that he could say no, or be offended that you had asked him at all; but you needed to take initiative on this. This was just a part of taking initiative in your own life, because Billy was a big part of your new life.

“Is that what you want?” He asked.

“Of course it is,” you responded. “I wouldn’t have asked if it wasn’t.”

He kept quiet for what seemed like an eternity. He studies you for a long time and you waited for him to shoot you down. You waited for the unraveling of everything that you had built together, waited to be reminded that maybe you weren’t as strong as you thought you were becoming. Perhaps your newfound bravery was just a sham. Maybe you just weren’t meant to make decisions for yourself, because you knew this was going to hurt when he told you no.

“Okay,” he finally said with a smile. “Then, yes.”

***

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[dan-alexander-art]

Personas

Man it has been a long time since I posted anything. I wanted to apologize for that, things have been hectic. Especially with University but through all that I've been doing a lot of self discovery and realized I'm not one person, but actually six (plus a train of thoughts). Most people might think it's Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID or Multiple Personality Disorder) but that's not what I have. After talking to a therapist about this she's helped me see that they're just different parts of me. I knew it wasn't DID to begin with since I didn't have blank memories. It took awhile but after trying to listen to my different parts I figured out who they are and their own stories. Most have their own tastes of music and that has helped me a lot in figuring out on who they are, what they do and what they're like. So below I their bios as well as a short story of them and how they came to be. This is right to left.

Name: Love and Memories

Nickname: Rose

Likes: Listening to Maroon 5 and songs about love. Look back at happy memories. Giving Lillies or Bonsai Trees to friends.

Bio: Love has been around a long time, he's the second longest persona that existed. When he's around he doesn't care what to wear. When he's present he likes to go back and remember both the good and bad in my life. He has a deeper understanding between a good relationship and a bad relationship. The vines represent a current relationship I have, weather it's a friendship or family relations. When the vines are mostly thorns rather than flowers it means the relationship is toxic and should be fixed. If there are more flowers than thorns then the relationship is healthy. The point where the toxicity has gotten really bad is when the rose on his right eye begins to wither. Whenever we get friends he symbolically gives said friend either a lily or Bonsai tree since these require lots of care, love and patience just like a real friendship. Love isn't too hesitant about forming new bonds but only after a certain amount of time. He's not shy but most people would assume since he doesn't speak much, but in reality he just doesn't know how to communicate well and worries it might come out wrong, misunderstood or offensive.

Name: Beast

Nickname: ---

Likes: Feeding off my insecurities and taunting me

Bio: Beast is a dangerous persona that requires me to have full control of what goes on. Beast can control the other personas. For example Beast can make Love rewind traumatic memories and leave me feeling paralyzed. He is the embodiment of negativity and he enjoys seeing me suffer. If I'm not careful he can and will slowly crawl up behind me. Starting with small whispers of insecurities then building on until he's shouting taunts at me. Shouting all my fears, my worries and my worthlessness to the point of crying.

Name: Hurt

Nickname: Wolf

Likes: Listening to Linkin Park, Three Days Grace, Katy Perry and any type of strengthing music. Wearing rings and bracelets.

Bio: Hurt carries a lot of scars and wounds on him that represent emotional and mental scars and wounds I carry. He doesn't mind showing them off, he actually finds them empowering. To him it shows not only what he's been through but even through all that he's still here. Hurt isn't afraid aside from Beast. Beast is the only thing that scares him. Hurt also doesn't mind crying, it just means he's human like everyone else. When he's around he lets me cry when I need to but also reminds me that there's always a better tomorrow. That whatever is going on in my life doesn't mean the world is going to end and this experience is only going to make me stronger. Hurt's nickname comes from his ability to change into a wolf. The form represents the pride he has for being able to continue walking down this path dispite the curveballs life has thrown at us. Hurt is very wary of new people and doesn't open up on the spot. Though he's very kind and is willing to comfort people who are hurting. He always puts other people ahead of himself. The cracked eye shows that Hurt's soul is part broken, since the eyes are the windows to the soul. The cracked has a tendency to bleed every now and then and because of the cracked eye his perspective is warped. What caused the cracked eye is something Hurt doesn't want to talk about or explain.

Name: Ying & Yang

Nickname: Unity

Likes: Listening to NoCopyrightSounds (NCS) and other types of beat music. Wearing a black hoodie.

Bio: Yang has a deep understanding for human behavior and human emotions but doesn't understand his own. When he's around I just have a strong emotion of movement and color. Yang is very powerful, he can alter my reality. He helps me see different perspectives. Yang also has a different side called Ying. Yang is calm, collective and uses his ability to make my day brighter. Ying is a bit more unstable, he changes my reality in order to escape it. Ying doesn't always show up but when he does it's often from stress and a sense of lack of control. Unlike Yang, Ying doesn't see color. He only sees static black and white. This static helps calm my mind by focusing on less. Ying is also chaotic and makes me go through healthy mental breakdowns. Though Ying's mind is also disturbing compared to Yang's. Ying doesn't mind listening to twisted music and watching gorey movies.

Name: Smart Alec

Nickname: Yukio

Likes: Listening to lo-fi and reading music. Reading fiction books. Peace and quiet whenever possible.

Bio: Alec is the first persona to be around, he only focuses on school and is always planning ahead. He rarely makes me forget to do HW. Alec would often scare me into doing HW fast and early. Though it pays off. He loves reading especially the Wings of Fire series. The combination of music and reading helps keep him immersed into the world. He's often very technical and often likes to argue with science. He's all about the facts and research, he sees educating one's self is important especially with the type of world he's in this time around. He's hardworking and studying whenever it's necessary. He use to push me to my limits but is now more lenient and doesn't make me overdo it when it comes to studying. He's not really too comfortable in crowds and prefers to be with a small group or being alone. He doesn't mind a challenge, in fact he actually welcomes it. Alec doesn't see any reason for emotions and he lacks a lot of emotion himself. Although he doesn't see it as bad he does see it as a burden, especially if when I'm upset but there's a task to be done. Though he encourages me to do said task, like he always says: Once you hit rock bottom, the only way now is up.

Name: Creativity

Nickname: Twilight

Likes: Listening to Alan Walker, Zedd and any upbeat music, but mostly music in general. Drawing and painting, especially adding a new drawings to my bedroom walls. Playing videogames, mostly JRPGs. Wearing hoodies and comfortable clothes.

Bio: Creativity likes to turn Yang's vision of colors into meaning. He often translates those colors into drawings. The same goes when he listens to music. When he's around he always compeles me to draw even if it's late. He gives me a drive to continue drawing. He also looks out for my wellbeing by helping me balance between downtime and chores. Creativity is also the one who gave the other personas nicknames. He's mostly shy but that shyness doesn't stay around when he's playing competitively. He won't hesitate to pick up a controller when it comes to games such as Smash Bros. Playing games helps with the ongoing stresses in life but also helps spark new ideas. Creativity also likes to world building and create new characters for his world building. He's always positive and helps me through my hard times by drawing vent art. Creativity is a Walker fan himself, if you're curious he's Walker #37804.

Name: Lust

Nickname: Blaze

Likes: Listening to Ke$ha, Avril Lavigne, Green Day and any type of party music. Think about sex as a means to relieve anger, frustration or irritation. Wearing multiple necklaces and high tops.

Bio: Lust didn't always have free will especially early on. He was always fueled by rage, hate and anger. He often protected me by being cold and learning to fight back. He was present in my early years of starting Elementary school as a way to keep a distance from people who would try to hurt me. Though because of his lack of free will he would often make me feel angry and ready to clock anything even if it was just bothering me. The lack of freewill came from Beast. In fact Beast and Lust use to be one. With Beast fueling his anger with hurtful words. It wasn't until Ying and Yang helped them be their own person that Lust started to control his anger. Now he just likes to display himself as someone against authority when he believes something is wrong. And he uses that anger as a passion to participate in marches and protests. Though Lust hasn't completely shed influence from Beast. He possesses the ability to become a dragon. He can do this at will but not when he's angry. The angrier Lust gets the more dragon like he becomes. Only when he gets enraged does Lust become a full dragon. Lust is very protective, not just protective of me but also of my friends. He cares about other people and displays it as being protective. If anyone messes with my friends, Lust won't hesitate to get even. He's also very raw when it comes to intercourse and sees it as nothing more than human nature and not something to be ashamed about. Though he also holds consent to a high standard. If we're out he'll make sure me or someone there doesn't end up getting taken advantage of or be in a dangerous situation. Intercourse is very secrete to him and not something someone should have the ability to abuse.

[felicismagic18873]

Beyond the Blaze(9)

Summary: 4 Years old, Alyssa Potter finds her life taking a magical turn as she steps into a world of cute green giants, talking robots and misunderstood aliens. All of it is almost enough to make her forget the probable destruction of her own world.

The night turned to day and soon Tony wasn't the only one awake and working in the tower (except the security that is). But unlike most people, Time wasn't worth more than a casual glance to Tony. What was time anyway but a man-made concept? He could work the same way during the darkest of nights as he did in the brightest of days, plus it wasn't even that obvious if it wasn't for Jarvis announcing the time every few hours, silently indicating that Tony should go to sleep.

Not yet, he still had work to do. Sleep wasn't worth stepping away from the newest model of his suit, this one with back up oxygen, and he needed something to allow him to summon the suit remotely. He was almost done with the structural design just an hour more and-

"Tony? Jarvis said you have Alyssa down here?" Bruce walked in rubbing his eye with the palm of his hand, his other hand holding his glasses." I know you want to spend time with her but this is not the way she needs her.." His slightly chiding tirade trailed off when he reached the point from where the sleeping child was clearly visible. "...sleep. Huh." He tilted his head looking at Alyssa.

Tony raised his eyebrow resting his chin on his hand, "You were saying?"

Bruce looked sheepish, he ruffled his hair, "I didn't see her and sorta-" He looked at a loss for words.

"Panicked?" Tony cut in helpfully. He eyed the fellow scientist knowingly, now he knew what Tony felt like when the kid pulled the disappearance act. Though this time, unknowingly, Tony was the person who lured her in not Loki.

"Yes," Bruce put on his glasses. Tony hid back a smile seeing the 'Zen Sloth' T-shirt Bruce was wearing, so he liked Tony's gift after all.

"How long has she been down here? I put her to bed myself." Bruce leaned against the desk which Alyssa had occupied last.

"Came in about 1-ish in the morning, dropped to sleep half an hour later. She was apparently 'worried' ." He made air quotes with his fingers while simultaneously rolling his eyes pretending he didn't care for the gesture. The kid was so...so kid-like and innocent that it was just ridiculous.

Ridiculously, feelings. It's just that, this sorta thing just didn't happen to Tony. He could count people who worried about his eating habits of all things on one hand and still have fingers left.

"Makes sense. She asked me about you our times before finally agreeing to go to sleep, which she obviously didn't" He shook his head staring at the sleeping kid with a fond but exasperated smile. Tony Hmm-ed in reply.

For a while, Tony worked and Bruce stayed silent.

"The structural design is complete sir. The newest model will have increased mobility of 12% with the revised adjustments. Oxygen supply should allow for flying on higher altitudes."

Some tension left Tony's shoulders as he realized he wouldn't have to worry about suffocation in the suit ever again.

If Tony had looked he would have seen Bruce's eyes moving from Alyssa to rest upon his slumped form with something akin to pity and understanding in his eyes. If Tony had looked he would have joked until the thought of his near-death experience left both his and Bruce's mind.

But Tony didn't see so none of that happened instead it was Bruce who distracted him with casual observation," She needs more pajamas. She has been sleeping in that one for days."

"Well, you're the one who wouldn't let me buy her all the stuff I wanted to.", Tony pointed out.

"Because, " Bruce stressed the word, "You wanted to buy a whole wardrobe for her. The last thing she needs-Tony she'd be overwhelmed plus we have no idea what's gonna happen once people find out about her. And they will." He added seeing Tony opening his mouth to interrupt.

Secrets had a way of spilling, especially the ones that you wanted to stay hidden. And if your secret was a three foot five inches tall kid, well then the chances were that it wouldn't even last a month. After all, they couldn't keep her inside forever.

"She does need pajamas though," He continued lightly, not wanting to touch that particular can of worms, ", and a few more sets of clothing." He once again stressed on 'few'.

Tony pointedly rolled his eyes, took out his stark phone from the pocket of his sweatpants and with quick taps placed the order, "Done, it'll arrive in an hour or two."

Bruce refrained from commenting on it not being that urgent of a task and went to get the kid. It couldn't be comfortable sleeping on the sofa.

He gently shook Alyssa's shoulder, "Time to get up, Alyssa. Let's go upstairs. Then you can sleep for a while longer. Okay?" Alyssa smacked her lips together a few times before licking them and absently nodded.

She peered at Bruce with half opened eyes as she slowly got up. She leaned against him with a jaw-breaking yawn. Bruce stood up and placed his hand on her back to guide her, Alyssa pretty much sleepwalked to the elevator with him, her steps unsteady and eyes almost closed.

Bruce looked over his shoulder at Tony, "Come up for breakfast, okay?"

"I'll be there for the delivery." Tony absently said, already back to work.

Bruce shook his head and walked into the elevator with Alyssa.

-----------------------

The package arrived exactly two hours later and true to his word Tony showed up soon after it did. Bruce was putting the dishes in the dishwasher while Alyssa was playing with the projections again, she'd slept for another hour before getting up for breakfast.

Bruce didn't stop her from gathering things for her own breakfast (Fruits and Milk, she couldn't stomach bacon or eggs first thing in the morning) but he made sure to keep an eye on her and he insisted on cutting the fruits making it clear that knives were dangerous and yes, he knew that she knew how to use them but that was not the point. She didn't need to do it when an adult was near and she definitely wasn't allowed to do it when one wasn't. She could eat the fruit that didn't need to be cut up if she was alone.

"Goo' Morning, Mista Ro-Tony." Alyssa grinned at him, her eyes squinting a little.

"Good Morning, Kid," Tony didn't mention that since he didn't get any sleep or coffee last night, it was more like 'dead exhausting morning' for him. "Did you see the stuff that came for you?" He inclined his head towards the package laying on the table in front of the couch (which he had replaced with the exact same one yesterday) He plopped on one of the chairs near the table.

Her eyes widened a bit, "That's for me?"

Tony nodded, contemplating whether or not he wanted to get up and sit on the couch instead, it was much more comfortable than the chair but it'll require getting up. He was still deep in thought when Bruce handed him a plate and he shockingly accepted it. It was only a second later when he was raising the grilled cheese sandwich to his mouth that he realized Bruce had handed him the place. And he hadn't felt the bone-deep discomfort that he usually did. Huh.

He took a deep gulp of the burning nectar of life that Bruce had placed near him and decided to put this thought away with all the things he needed to think about later (along with why he hated when Bruce reminded him of the kid's stay was temporary.)

"You can open it, Alyssa." Bruce gently guided the kid towards the package. Tony barely stopped a yawn from breaking through, his eyes watered a bit but he blinked it away rubbing a hand over his slightly stubbly jaw. He felt exhausted all the time now, maybe it was because he hadn't got a decent sleep for days. Since the inva-since that day really.

The kid who was looking for a green light apparently quickly began to open the package with Bruce helping her whenever she got a bit stuck and then-

"Is that Iron man pajamas?" Bruce sounded bewildered.

Tony grinned, "The hulk ones will arrive tomorrow, personalized ones take time."

The kid was staring at the red Iron man shirt in her hands with a slightly open mouth.

"Tony," Bruce was trying his best to hold back a smile holding up an iron man onesie but Tony could see right through it, "when I said clothing-"

"Can I wear this now please?" Alyssa finally spoke up, hugging the pajamas to her chest excitedly. Her smile was so wide, Tony wondered if it hurt her cheeks. But that was the best sorta smile, wasn't it?

"They're pajamas, Alyssa," Bruce said but Tony knew he didn't have the strength to say no to those happy smiles.

"Its still morning, can I? Please oh please." Alyssa was almost bouncing on her feet. Tony chuckled, she looked so pleased with her argument.

Bruce sighed, "Sure go ahead. It won't hurt anyone."

She circled the couch to run into the bathroom with the clothes, it seemed like she couldn't even wait to go to her room.

"Whipped," Tony sing-songed a few minutes after the kid was gone.

Bruce raised an eyebrow, "You're one to talk."

Tony opened his mouth to defend his reputation but a blur passed him by. Alyssa stood next to the box looking all shy and adorable. She then grinned and posed putting her hand on her waist, "I'm the Robot now."

Tony let out a laugh.

The top was a perfect hot red colour with the same design as the iron man chest plate (Almost same, but Tony could see the differences no one could) The arc reactor was shown as a small circle of white light (Blue, it was supposed to be blue!) But Alyssa looked so happy that Tony reigned in his comments.

"Quite the look, you've got there Sabrina," He winked at her, Bruce shook his head at their antics and opened a pack that he had ordered.

He signaled Alyssa to come near him and handed her a notebook. Alyssa tilted her hear with a curious expression, "This is a workbook," He explained, "Have you started school, Alyssa?"

"No, not yet." Alyssa shook her head. She was supposed to start this year actually.

"Okay, then. I want you to do a little every day so that you're not too far behind when you finally go to school. "

Tony made a face, there Bruce goes again. Implying how she'd have to leave soon.

"Okay. Can we watch Wall-e? "

"Well, "Bruce looked hesitant. " I have some reading to do, so how about you do some of your workbooks and then we can watch Wall-e."

Alyssa looked down at the notebook she was holding and nodded her head.

"See ya Mista' Tony", she said to Tony who looked half asleep.

"See ya kid,"

She then ran up the stairs to her room, probably to do her work.

"No running on the stairs, Alyssa!" Bruce called out after her but she was long gone.

Tony turned towards Bruce to go to say something about the workbook and how parent like he was acting but Bruce cut him off by raising a hand.

"Just don't Tony," He pinched the bridge of his nose, " You're sleep-deprived. Please go to sleep."

Tony stood up, "Fine," He huffed, "But I am doing it because I want to, not because you told me to Brucey Bear." He then turned away with a flourish and strode to the stairs to go to his room but it probably would have looked more impressive if he wasn't yawning and his eyes weren't red.

Bruce shook his head, leaning back in the chair he was sitting on.

-----------------------

Bruce looked up from his Stark pad due to a sound. He could feel the telling stiffness in his neck indicating that he must have been working for quite some time, it was easy to lose himself in work when he wasn't worried about being captured... He gently massaged his neck to ease away some of the tension. He looked towards the elevator to see who had come in since Tony was sleeping.

"Hello, Doctor Banner." Steve Rogers stepped into the penthouse. Bruce looked him over, taking in tension in his shoulders that wasn't there the last time Bruce had seen him.

"Captain," Bruce nodded towards him in greeting. "Hope you don't mind me saying this but you look run down."

Captain leaned against the couch, he cast a fleeting glance at the glass shelves in the kitchen which no longer housed a line of alcoholic drinks (Those were now hidden in a compartment below the counter easily accessible to Tony, not so accessible to a kid). Then he turned his eyes towards Bruce.

"Yeah, Its been a rough couple of days," He tiredly

Bruce placed his tablet on the table in front of him, "The assassin." He simply said.

Captain stilled, " Yeah," He finally answered. He looked a bit confused.

"Clint told me," Bruce answered the unspoken question.

"Of course. Right." Steve shook his head," I just wanted to let you and Stark know that we'll be going underground for some time. Me and Miss Romanov. " He crossed his arms in front of him.

Bruce remained silent. He didn't know what he could say. Did he wish him good luck or offer his help?

Steve kept staring at the box on the table like it held answers to all his dilemmas, "The assassin, " He finally spoke again, "He's good-too good." A pained expression showed on his face. "He-Well, he disappeared before we could do much but Nat thinks we may have a trail. We're going to follow it." The expression was gone the next second and Steve's face closed off again.

There was a sound of footsteps, Bruce looked towards the stairs. Alyssa still in her Iron man Pajamas, was running down the stairs. She was hugging her workbook to her chest.

'No running on the stairs!" He almost said again but she stumbled to a stop at the bottom of the stairs on seeing Steve. Immediately the smile wiped away from her lips.

"Hello," Steve visibly softened his face and smiled in greeting.

Alyssa stared at him for a while then she turned to Bruce. "I am done with my workbook,"

She held out her book "Can I watch Wall-e now?"

"Sure thing, kid."

But Alyssa didn't move to sit on the couch to watch the movie. She turned her eyes towards Steve again who was confused to see that she was almost glaring at him. She narrowed her eyes, which would be cute if the other two members weren't so perplexed.

"I think I'll have some juice first." She strode off into the Kitchen.

Steve looked surprised and confused. Bruce shrugged, he had no idea why Alyssa was acting like that. He finally decided to say what he was dreading, "Do you need any help?" He mentally prayed that they didn't.

"No. No thank you." Steve held up his hands." Just letting you know, " He shrugged, focused on the conversation again, "Shadow work isn't really Stark's style and the last thing we need is the Hulk showing up when we are undercover, no offense. "

"None taken," Bruce almost let out a breath of relief. "Get in contact when you're done with the mission?"

"Sure thing." Steve let out a small smile and extended his hand, Bruce shook it. "See you soon, Doctor. "

"See you, Captain."

With that Steve stood up and walked towards the elevator again, the last thing Steve saw before the elevator door closed was bright green eyes glaring at him again.

[neshabeingchildish]

The Man for the Job

He had lost a lot. His childhood being the first casualty of gaining a superpower, and most recently, the woman he loved enough. He couldn’t say for sure that they would have lasted. He’d loved and lost before, but not like that. He’d been the one to end or at least drive away most potential relationships. But… This one was harder to let go of, mainly because he hadn’t been prepared to. It reminded him of how fragile everybody around him was. How human. 

It could have been any one of them that day. It could be any one of them tomorrow. Every mission was a cause for panic for him and he always had to pretend that he was okay with that. Hell, it was his tagline, for crying out loud. But, he was not okay. He was early years of knowing Piper (when she was merely Henry’s sister) NOT OKAY with constantly worrying about them, being out in the field. Now, he had to worry about them being in politics, as well? 

It was terrifying to think of what would have become of the Man Cave if Spoiler had actually shot her. She was a young mother, a wife, a daughter, a friend, and a public figure. So, while they tried to mourn or tried to help her recover, it would have also been a media storm. He’d done this already with Henry. He’d done this already with Mimi. He. Did. Not. Want. To. Do. This. Anymore. But, what was the alternative? To quit? To retire early and leave Swellview to Piper to defend? 

She hadn’t left the hospital in days. There was a collective of V-Force heroes guarding Billy Thunderman’s room, but she was still there, in her Lady Danger costume with no mask, hoping for the best. They tried to get her to at least go home and get cleaned up. But, she was worried that if she left and something happened, it would be “like that episode of the L Word.” Henry brought her a bag of clothes and toiletries, but after crying, pulling herself together, and imagining that Billy moved every time she headed for the shower, she couldn’t risk even the few minutes it would take her to get cleaned up. 

She had gone through this with Henry. She had gone through this with Mimi. Neither of those times was she able to bear sticking it out and being there with them. She didn’t want to do that to Billy. He was a lonely guy. He felt misunderstood and left out. He felt like while he was close to his siblings, being a middle child, he missed a lot of opportunities to connect with them in certain ways. She wanted him to know that there was somebody who felt a connection. She wanted him to have somebody here for him. Maybe she was getting soft. Maybe she had fallen for him. She couldn’t really figure that out at the moment, but she couldn’t leave, either. 

Captain Man was working alone for the time being. Mr. Danger tried to help out, but people took those opportunities to try to come to question him about being Henry Page, about Piper Hart being Lady Danger, and about him being able to walk. At first, he’d try to remind them that they were venturing into an active fight scene. Punching and begging them to leave because he was in the middle of something. They’d refuse and he tried to answer the questions, “Yeah, I’m Henry Page. Sorry. I don’t have any excuse for you. I can’t speak on Lady Danger. Yeah, I can walk, but I do need braces in order to do what I do. My legs aren’t what they used to be, so the chair isn’t a complete lie. PLEASE GET OUT OF THE CRIME SCENE!” People continued to do it until Simone and Charlotte decided that it was a hazard to citizens to have Mr. Danger there. They just couldn’t help themselves. 

Away from Swellview, though, people were less likely to be as concerned, though they were certainly interested in it all. So, Thunder and Danger was generally the go team for missions away from Swellview and the Thunder girls helped Captain Man, when needed. By the time Charlotte looked at overall crime and the distribution of heroes, she decided, “I don’t think that Swellview needs a hero.”

Simone shook her head and said, “It never has, but it had one because the hero in question was from Swellview and didn’t want to travel or relocate. Captain Man’s record would be abysmal if he weren’t indestructible. So, there was no reason to pressure him onto a team, aside from you’d have an indestructible man on team. He used to be in rotation, but my mom let him have his tenure in Swellview when she came on board, in order to decrease some incidents without making it seem like he was being demoted. What does Lady Danger want to do?”

“She hasn’t decided. She’s waiting for Billy to wake up. She’s getting more and more angry that he isn’t and that none of us are there, so I thought that we could maybe send out some VForce to some of these assignments and be sure to gather there for them soon.”

“Yeah… I don’t think it  would be very tactical considering some of the tasks that Danger Force is currently handling, but…” Charlotte gave her an exhausted look and she shrugged and smiled gently, “I’m not gonna argue with you. You’ve got a knack for finding solutions. And… What has Captain Man said about the offer?”

“I want to ask him when he’s not thinking about all of this. He’s a simple guy and a lot of complicated stuff has happened lately. I don’t want him to feel pressured.”

“He’s going to be President of the Hero League. There is no other way to feel but pressured.”

“Yes, /I/ get that. /You/ get that. But, he’s fine with the world burning while he relaxes, if he feels too much under pressure. If it isn’t about Swellview, he’s not that concerned and even then, sometimes his motivations are questionable. I just want him to be in a receptive headspace when I ask him.”

“Listen. The position is unchallenged. After that assassination attempt, none of the political types want the gig. They’d rather die fighting than on stage politicking. And those who would consider it, we’d be placing in danger to even extend the idea. The non-pows are looking at us and thinking that as expected we can’t handle issues in the supers community. They might stage a takeover. All of my fears may be realized. In order for that not to happen, I’ll ask him,” Simone said.

“But… You don’t know how to communicate with him. I’m telling you, he’s something else…”

Simone opened up the line to connect with him and Charlotte simply threw her hands up in surrender then folded her arms shook her head and gave Simone “the look.”

After a moment to transform, he answered the call in the Man Cave. “OH! It’s just you two. What’s up?” He didn’t get this team up. He did realize that sometimes you had to come to an understanding with people that you didn’t agree with, but I thought for sure Charlotte would stand her ground with this piece of work. And he couldn’t tell whether or not trusting her would be the same as it was for Charlotte trusting her husband years before. He wasn’t sure how that made him feel; he only knew he wasn’t okay with it.

Simone said, “Captain Man. You have given many years of your life to fight for justice. Through the ups and downs, you remain brave and honest.”

“I know this,” he said, a bit suspiciously, because he honestly wasn’t sure where they were, as a group, with this girl. 

First off, she was married to a douche, who he hated. Secondly, she really hurt Charlotte’s feelings. Third, he didn’t know her very well, but he knew that he didn’t like her for those first two very good reasons.

“We need you to do something for us. As you know, less than a week ago, there was an attempt on Mrs. Page’s life. The shooter had terrible aim and it was most definitely going to end with me receiving the attempt. My brother-in-law was brave and quick and he threw himself in the line of fire for my sake and the sake of my children. Unfortunately, he isn’t indestructible. We have a superpowered healer who made sure that he didn’t die while he got medical attention. We’re waiting on the news of his recovery.”

“Nice of you to say ‘as you know,’ before telling me everything that I know. Why are you calling me and why isn’t Charlotte talking? Did you do something to her?” He was already angry at the thought. Charlotte must have been being held hostage to sit here through whatever this was! But, he noticed Charlotte’s amused face and figured something out. Whatever was happening, Charlotte had told her not to do it and she did it anyway. So, he wasn’t about to cooperate with little miss Poison Ivy. The only dealings with her would be at the approval of his little Charlotte.

“Captain Man. We need you. Charlotte wanted to do this under other circumstances, but if we wait too long to set things in motion, the non-pows, the supers, the heroes, and most importantly, the villains will think that there is no order, no peace and no plan. We have to act fast, I’m afraid. We need to ask something of you.”

“If Charlotte said no, that’s the answer,” He said.

Charlotte cleared her throat and watched the green veins in Simone’s temples flair. “Actually, Captain Man, I wasn’t saying “no,” I just wanted to do it better than this. But, she is right about it.“ Now, they sort of had his attention. Charlotte could see that he wanted to at least give her the chance to say her piece, but she could also see that he still wasn’t with it. "We need to figure something out as soon as we can, and we think that you’re the only person who can help us.”

“It was actually her idea!” Simone added. Captain Man was listening, more now. To Charlotte, not to stupid green girl head. 

“We need you to take up the mantle of President of the Hero League,” Charlotte said, ripping off the bandaid, since Simone had gotten them here. She had a feeling this would be a new component of their future as his presidential staff. He sat down and shook his head. “I know what you’re thinking. That sounds like a lot of work. You’ve got Swellview to think about. You’ve got a dog to take care of, and a Schwoz in the Man Cave. You’ve got to make sure that Lady Danger is okay. You can’t just leave Swellview to anybody. Swellview is your baby. The Man Cave is you haven. I can see that all those things have been troubling you, especially since you still haven’t been given a reasonable amount of time to grieve over Mischief Minder and this is a huge responsibility.”

“Glad you understand,” Captain Man told her. He was ready to end the call now. Bringing up Mimi was hard whenever he wasn’t prepared for it. Charlotte knew that. And now, he wasn’t prepared for it and that girl was next to her, looking like she was expecting something from him too. He didn’t even know or like that girl! ‘That’s right. Direct anger at her. Charlotte means well. Her. She means… green. Mean green. Mean Girls. Wait, what?’

Charlotte broke into his tangent of panicked thoughts. “I hope that you understand this: We’re all going through it, Captain Man. We didn’t all lose what you’ve lost, but you know that I have lost before. You saw me whenever I couldn’t wake up Henry and you know that the last thing that I want is to trouble you while you’re in the state of mind that you’re in. Trust me when I say that all I want to do is go home and cuddle with Hammy, with some ylang ylang firing through the vents and the room at 72 degrees. I want my hair deep conditioned and to get a facial and sit in a steam room and come out and make love to my husband. I want…”

“I get it!” Captain Man said.

“But, I can’t do any of that right now. I have to try to fix what was done with Gwen’s transformation and the destruction left in her wake, to non-pow and supers relations, to the sanctity of secret identities, to the reputation of the Hero League and to those personally affected and impacted, just trying to make sense of their lives now. You get it and you know. But, what you might not know is that I can’t do it without you. How many times have you heard me say that in all the years that you watched me grow up?”

“Why me?” Captain Man asked, tearing up.

“Most importantly, I won’t lie to you - your indestructibility is something that we obviously need. People are trying to murder those of us who aspire to this position and you can’t be physically harmed that way. But, in addition to that, you’re perfect for this, Ray. You know what it’s like to be a regular person, even though it’s been many years since you were.”

“Not that many! I’m not that old!” He fussed.

“You were born a non-pow,” she corrected herself. “You became a super early enough that it affected your childhood in a way that supers extremists can relate to. Your non-pow dad exploited you from the moment you had your accident and raised you like some kind of experiment, so you have no reason to trust or like them, but you’ve been surrounded by them most of your life and they love you now, enough to care about what you say and do. You’re very handsome.” He smiled at this. “You’re charming.” He smiled brighter and covered his heart with his hand. “And, you’ve been a hero with a good standing with the Hero League, and with the city that you serve, and you’re recognized nationwide! Remember that time that you saved Double G? He still lets me see shows for free!” They were both smiling and Simone wanted to gush about Captain Man, too, but she had a feeling that might ruin it. He didn’t seem that fond of her. “Captain Man, you were like a second dad to me. You gave me my first job. You gave me a recommendation that helped me to be in the position that I’m in today, and I thank you for that. Now, I need you to do a job for me, and you’re literally the only person who can. It will be a lot of hard work, but I have your back, always. I promise.” 

“Okay, then. I’ll do it,” he said, looking like he was holding back tears. “I’ve gotta uhh… go to the bathroom, Bye!” He hung up on them and she just knew that he was gonna go cry. 

Charlotte looked at Simone and said, “I learned that trick from him, but it’s actually an age old saying. You attract more flies with honey than with vinegar.”

“An old non-pow saying, I presume? Why would I want to attract flies?” Simone asked. 

Charlotte sighed and repeated the phrase into an app she’d been working on in her fired time to translate non-pow specific language to supes language, for all of those who literally grew up around zero of them. The phone recited, “Your heart disarms an opponent much harder than your fists.”

“OHHHH!” Simone said and nodded. Then, she thought about it for a moment and defended herself, “I didn’t feel like I was being rude to him! I listed all of his accomplishments and the reasons why we needed him.”

“Yeah. You didn’t say anything about how he looked (his love language) or anything sweet to him, though.”

“I can’t lie as easily as you,” Simone said. “I grew up in Metroburg. I didn’t have to be secretive about stuff.”

“You planned an entire coup right under your mother’s nose.”

“She doesn’t pay attention to anything I do. I barely had to distract her,” Simone shrugged her shoulders, but Charlotte could tell that was still a raw subject, probably especially since not even a week ago, Charlotte was picking at the wound. “Anyway. We have our president, so I’m collecting my babies from the nursery and going home.”

“By yourself? Henry and Max are still on assignment… You wanna… You’re welcome to stay with Hammy and I…”

“I don’t need your pity protection, Charlotte. I can take care of myself and my kids.”

“I just didn’t want to be alone and since our husbands are working together, I thought… I mean… They could touchdown at my place afterwards and…”

“Okay,” Simone said. “Sure. Want me to grab Hammy from the nursery too?”

“If you will. Thanks.”

Simone nodded and headed towards the nursery. She wasn’t super excited to go to the empty temporary quarters without Max and she wasn’t really in the mood to stay at her mom’s either, having just thought about how easy it was for her to not pay attention to her while she staged the escape of their most dangerous fugitive. She certainly had a lot of raw feelings about Charlotte, but she had them about Evelyn too, and those were longer. 

Besides, Evelyn’s home had a guest room. Charlotte’s had guest quarters. That was more room and relaxation for the babies and her while they waited for the men. Max and Simone still hadn’t been able to find a suitable space, with their history. Simone peeked into the president’s office, where Evelyn was there, getting things ready for the next in line. “Hey, Mom… We’re gonna crash at Charlotte’s into the guys get back. I was headed to the nursery, if you have time to say goodnight to the girls?”

“Of course, I have time!” She said and dropped everything that she was holding. They were in a much better place, but Simone figured she needed super therapy before they’d be “good.”

.

Henry nor Max realized how tired they were from all of the traveling and working that they had been doing until they got back to Charlotte’s house. A simulated tour guide, which was simply a Henrygram (you remember the hologram that moves about the house) came to collect Max and escort him to the guest quarters, “Where your wife and children are anticipating your arrival, even as they sleep,” it said. “Mr. Page. The woman of the house is in the heir’s nursery reinforcing his crib.”

Henry looked confused by that, but he and Max went their separate ways and whenever he saw Charlotte, her face brightened and she rushed to hug and kiss him. Hammy looked annoyed that she had abandoned her mission to secure his crib. They finished kissing and saying hello, only to look at Hammy and see that he seemed to be finishing the job, himself. “He looks like he knows what he’s doing,” Henry chuckled.

“Of course he does. He’s a genius,” she joked and picked the baby up to hand him to Henry. “Say hi to Daddy. Mommy’s gonna finish your crib so you can go back to sleep.”

“What’s wrong with his crib?” 

“The sensors didn’t pick up his swaddle because some wiring got damaged in the sync device. I’m reinforcing it so that the swaddle doesn’t squeeze him too tightly while the crib can’t evaluate his vitals.”

“You wanna sleep on Daddy while Mommy does smart girl shit?” Henry asked.

“Henry!” Charlotte said.

Hammy laughed and laid against Henry’s heart. He was asleep within moments. After they put him back into his crib and swaddled him with Charlotte’s perfected perfect swaddle, it was Char’s turn to lean against Henry’s heart and fall asleep. They had one of those beds that you could pull out of the wall, for nights whenever the Danger life got to them and they just had to be near their precious baby - which was pretty much any time Henry was away for long, or any time that he came home.

There were a lot of things that he hated at the moment - the fact that Simone and Charlotte had been so ugly to each other through the campaign (when they had been on the same page on the mission that set Team Danger in stone), having to be away from his family for so long, knowing that Lady Danger would be taking over Swellview by herself sooner than he felt like she was prepared for (especially with all the ruckus about her unmasking after the election debate), Charlotte going back to work for the Hero League… He made a pillow of his worries and collapsed into them. 

Charlotte’s interface scanned him and he heard a whirring that made him wake up, panicked. The sound was from an opening in the headboard that pushed out a crystal before shutting and leaving it there. “What is?” he whispered.

And, judging from his whisper, the interface knew that meant he was trying to be quiet, so she also spoke at a low volume, made gentle for sleeping purposes, “Sardonyx provides you the stabilisation and strength required to have the endurance, energy and fortitude to create good fortune based on good moral ethics… Would you like me to continue reading sardonyx facts to help you return to sleep?”

“Yes, please,” he said. And so, that happened.

.

Ray got ready to go to the hospital. He had zero attachments to the Thunderman kid. He didn’t think that he liked anybody from that brood, at this point. But, if he was going to be President of the Hero League, Charlotte thought that he needed to show the supers that he cared when one of them fell.

The kid had woke up a week after his attack, conveniently when all of his loved ones were present. They said that he’d been ecstatic to find that Lady Danger was THE Piper Hart. They said he kept referring to her as THE Piper Hart. Ray knew one thing - that definitely went to her head. Piper Hart was one of those online personalities that people followed, but didn’t necessarily love. She gave a good show, but her ways rubbed people the wrong way and those who knew her before loved getting on the Internet and speaking about how horrible she is in real life. Ray would agree but he had gotten used to it by now.

Still. Most of her love these days came from being Lady Danger. It was nice to have a fan who also had a crush, who knew you as two different people, but knew you as you and as your better self. Ray had that not too long ago… 

He made his way to the room with a tray of meatballs. "Here, Kid. This is for you.” Billy looked confused as he thanked him. “Piper! You’ve finally cleaned yourself up!" 

She smiled a little and pointed her thumb at him, "This is my boss, Ray.”

“Oh!” Billy said. “I thought it was just a friendly meatball man.” After a while, he thought about it again. “OH! It’s your BOSS!” He looked starstruck, now. Ray patted him on the back and asked, “Mind if I sit?”

“No. This is so cool. You know… You’re gonna be the first new official President in my lifetime!" 

Ray sat down and nodded. "Kickbutt wasn’t president when I became a hero, but she was a pretty good fighter. I worked with your dad before, too.”

“Yeah! That’s awesome.” They talked for a while, then Ray and Piper left and Billy ate his meatballs. Piper didn’t comment on how weird of a gift that was because Ray was never any good at that sort of thing. He gave her an autographed photo of himself after she already knew his identity and had been working with him. But, in hindsight, that was an excellent gift, because she sold it for a lot of money.

“It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. I was supposed to become an internet sensation, get my degree as I grew in reality TV fame, build up my career and become a household name, marry rich, and be hashtag goals for at least a generation. Kid Danger wasn’t supposed to be my brother. I wasn’t supposed to become your sidekick, have some of the worst years of my life trying to prove myself to him and failing, get a permanent scar on my face and now have to take over the top hero spot in Swellview AFTER I unmasked in my freaking sophomore year of college? My life is over. I’m not okay.” She said it calmly, but he still felt it deeply.

“Yeah, Kid. Me neither,” Ray finally admitted out loud to someone.

.

He looked okay. Now that Billy was awake, he healed up quickly and was going to help Piper out in Swellview. He crashed at her place and Jasper asked him several questions. Piper insisted, “My actual brother didn’t do all of this!”

Jasper eventually must have been pleased with the responses, because he finally left them alone. “Always gotta humor older siblings,” Billy said.

“He’s not my sibling,” Piper said. “Well… not by blood, anyway.” She shrugged her shoulders. “Well… I guess tomorrow we start serving Swellview together.”

“We’re a good team. It’ll be great. My sisters will help whenever we need them.”

“My brother tried and was cornered by groups of people who wanted to know his personal life. What if that happens to me?”

“I’ll very quickly get them away from you,” he said and smiled. 

“And you don’t mind being the sidekick of someone who hasn’t been a hero even a portion of the time that you have and has no superpowers?”

“Well, you’ve been a leader all of your life. And I’ve seen you do many amazing things without any powers. Besides MR. DANGER took his wife’s last name. Women are who to follow to be honest.” She just smiled, and reflexively covered her scar when she did. “You know… you never have to cover that around me. You’re not less beautiful because of a battlescar that you won being brave for your team.”

She scoffed, “I’d have preferred she slit my throat.”

“Not me. Then, we wouldn’t have met. Now, we get to see each other every day. I’m grateful she didn’t slit your throat.” Piper took a deep breath and then lunged forward to give him a quick peck on the lips. She sat back quickly and held her own hands. She used to be able to flirt with the best of them, but since her scar, she had been hiding. She’d been shyer. Billy smiled and reached for her hands. She took his and played with it in both of hers. “We’re gonna be fine, M'Lady." 

"Thanks for saying that. I think I’m okay now.”

[davidthetraveler]

David’s Thoughtful Thursday:  Famders and the Issue of Fandom Toxicity

So, the other day my friend asked me about my Top 5 things I like about the Thomas Sanders/Sanders Sides fandom, and what I put as number one was the community that makes up the fandom.  But I didn’t go into much detail, because I realized it could be the perfect first entry into a new series I’m starting on here called David’s Thoughtful Thursday, where I’ll be discussing a particular topic that I’m passionate about and wish to share my thoughts on.  So here are my thoughts on the Famders as a community.

So, one of the things I’ve noticed about us famders is that, compared to so many other fandoms, we are a surprisingly stable and nondiscordant group.  We have our disagreements, of course, and we don’t always remember the lessons we’ve learned from our dear Thomas about how to treat each other.  But when you set us next to other fandoms and communities, we seem like an island of calm in the midst of a raging hurricane.  I’ve thought about it for a while, and I think there’s a number of reasons that we look like such a beacon of hope amongst the fan communities, and it all starts with

Our Dear Thomas

Let’s face it, Thomas is a living ball of sunshine and rainbows (in more ways that one).  He goes out of his way to try and make people smile and loves with his whole heart.  He’s not mean, he’s not snobby, he’s not even aloof (though he should probably be a tad more discreet about some things).  He shares himself with us, and never asks for anything more than what we’re willing to give in return.

But he’s not without his flaws.  He worries about his place in the world.  He has issues with his bodily appearance.  He deals with anxiety and stress and bad sleep schedules.  He has an ongoing issue with not feeling worthy of the praise he receives for the work he does.  And all of this makes him more relatable to the common people, and helps us to see him not as a celebrity (though he is one for sure), but as someone just like.  A young man doing his best to live his dream in a world that doesn’t always act the way we want it to.

He does his best to stand as an example for us, and I can think of no better way that has become so ingrained in our community than in our

Consensual Compromise

Let’s face it, with as large a group as the famders have become, it’s no surprise that a number of issues have divided us.  The fact of the matter is that statistically speaking we were long overdue for a fandom split.  So it should come as no shock that something as simple as a new character would divide us so completely.

Yes, we’re talking about Deceit.

Deceit’s introduction left our entire community in a state of shock before the inevitable clash of ideas began.  As soon as we recovered, different camps began to form based on individual character interpretation.  Some saw Deceit as the new villain, taking the old role Anxiety had.  Those individuals focused on his manipulative tendencies and the lies he surrounded himself in.  Others saw him as a neutral party, neither bad nor good, simply an ambiguous part of Thomas’ psyche, focusing more on his task of self-preservation.  And then there were those who immediately adopted him, calling him misunderstood, and saying he was just doing his job, not being a villain.

Suffice it to say that there was a fair deal of conflict involved in trying to reconcile these different views into a single fanon narrative.  And in the end, we were unable to.  But while there was some discourse in the beginning, eventually we all mutually agreed that, despite some people’s interpretations, Deceit’s portrayal within the video represented something that negatively affected members of our community and could be considered a trigger for them.  So a compromised was mutually agreed upon.

We all agreed to tag content with Deceit in it so that those who wished to avoid him could do so.  We also ensured that what version of Deceit was being portrayed was made known, ensuring that those who wished to see one version but not others could filter out the content they didn’t want to deal with.  Thus the matter was reconciled and we were able to move forward together.  And other than the occasional private debate, I’ve seen little to no further discourse on the matter.

This of course demonstrates how well we as a unit can deal with discourse within our own ranks.  But it also reminds us that

Stable Does Not Mean Perfect

Yes, we are a very stable and welcoming community, and we do our best to be accepting of others and their opinions.  But that doesn’t mean we don’t have our squabbles.  It’s a simple fact that the more people you put together, the more differing ideas and opinions become present in the group.  Eventually one idea or opinion will clash with another, and disagreement will begin to settle in.  While our experiences with Deceit show we can deal with discourse in a healthy manner, there’s still the fact that we are all human.

None of us is perfect, not even our dear Thomas.  We all have flaws and issues.  And each of us has at some point made a bad choice or decision or said something wrong.  We can’t expect each other to not make mistakes.  But we can expect each other to recognize this fact.  Yet sometimes we don’t.

I myself have said things in this community that I’m not proud of, things I regret saying and doing.  But with the help of others to point it out to me and to set me straight, I apologized and worked to do better in future.  And the people I hurt with my words forgave me, and we were all able to move on from the incident.

That I think is one of our greatest strengths.  Yes, we’re not perfect, but that’s okay.  We understand people make mistakes, and we try to help them correct those mistakes so they can grow as a person.  We do our best to make each other better.

Even with all of these good qualities, there are still issues in our community.  They may not be as apparently big or as numerous as in other fandoms, but the fact remains that some individuals have felt the need to leave this fandom, for one reason or another.  We don’t hold it against them for having to remove themselves for a time.  We try to understand, and we accept that, for them, leaving our group is the best choice they can make for their own sake.

But the fact remains that very few people have actually had to take this step.  And I think it’s because of the sense of community we’ve garnered in this fandom.  Because in many ways what we’re doing here is not just enjoying a creator’s content, but rather

Standing Together

The vast majority of the famders identify in some way as deviating from the prescribed norm that society presents.  Society seems to suggest that the majority of people in the world are straight, cisgender, neurotypical individuals.  And we can see how much that comes across in modern culture.  But our fandom doesn’t prescribe to this view, simply because of who we are.

Most of us identify as being LBGTQ+ in some way.  I myself am Asexual Biromantic, though it took being a part of this fandom to figure it out and come to terms with it.  And I’ve made friends with people in this fandom who are gay, bi, pan, trans, nonbinary, and even fluid.  Many of us deal with ongoing mental health issues, from depression and anxiety to more serious concerns such as depersonalization, PTSD and even Dissociative Identity Disorder.  We even have members who are on the autistic spectrum.

I’ve wondered myself how such an enormous collection of identities and personalities could possibly mix together without more discourse.  But the answer is the same every time I ponder it out.

It all comes back to Thomas.

Thomas presents in his video content something we don’t always see in the world around us:  acceptance.  He gets in front of that camera and tells us that he loves us, just the way we are.  He doesn’t care how we identify.  He just loves us, flaws and all.

He and his friends show us a world where people of all creeds and identities can live together in mutual respect and understanding.  Compared to many of the issues plaguing modern society, it’s a shining example of what the world could be.  And we marvel at that concept.

We stand together because Thomas tells us we can, and we should.  He leads by example that a great community is built, not by power or control or fear or hate, but by mutual understanding, cooperation, and love.  We love each other, and we’ve become like an extended family for each other.

There’s a reason we’ve changed our name from Fanders to Famders.

Because we are family.

And family means no one gets left behind, or forgotten.

And that’s why I love my famders family.  Because no matter my pain, no matter my sorrow, no matter my fear or anger or frustration, I know who I can turn to to make it better.

And I wouldn’t trade this family for the world.

Well, that got a bit longer than I intended.  But in any case, I think I’ve worked this out rather well.  Let me know what you think.

And since I’m going to be making this a semi-permanent feature, I’m also starting up a tag list for it.  If you’d like to be added to said list, or if you’re on it and would like to be removed, just let me now.  In any case, thank you for reading.

General Tag List:

@ultimate-queen-of-fandoms2

Thoughtful Thursday Tag List:

@wolfishhel

[akatokuro]

The Inevitable StS Rewatch, Episodes 31-35

YES, I AM STILL MAD ABOUT SHUN!!!!!

- Even though Saori isn't a fighter, I'm glad she feels like part of the team in scenes like this! Shun telling her to watch over Seiya and her "understood" response, hnngggg.

- Recent events must be wild from Saga's POV (uncluttered with confused early filler and misunderstood lore.) There's no way for him to even be sure if Aiolos is really dead at this point, is there? I think you could easily swing a similar setup to the anime with Saga recently becoming paranoid and more brutal ever since the Galaxian Wars aired on TV, even taking out the "oh no everything changed when the pope's evil brother attacked!"

- It's not a big deal, but every time stuff like the steel ball-wielding Saint or the frisbee Saint pop up, I'm just like... WHAT HAPPENED TO ATHENA FORBIDDING WEAPONS, GUYS? has anyone told dohko that these jerks are stepping on his territory?

- hyouga and shun sure are married. in other news, water wet, sky blue, etc etc

- Hi again, Ikki! Nice to see you back and at least 80% more in character? Still a little too specifically protective of Saori but a big improvement from the last time you were here, at least!

- I MEAN, HANGING OFF EITHER ENDS OF A CHAIN ON A TREE BRANCH CAN BE A LEGIT DATE, TOO, HYOSHUN!

- "Oi, Shun! Oi!" hnnnngggggg, and then telling Shun to go up first, hnnnnggggg. swan may be a dumbass but he is a very sweet boyfriend

- Something about these two as a duo, even - or maybe even especially - lurking in the background together is so fucking charming. I think part of what makes the HyoShun feel oddly real even at this stage is Hyouga's weird insistence on saying Shun's name at every opportunity...? But they really do have this natural chemistry where they feel especially, quietly fond of each other.

- headless ikki is hilarious

- "Heh, if Shun and Hyouga can't survive getting thrown off a cliff on their own, they're losers anyway. Let's beat it" ah yes now there's the ikki i know and love!

- saori nooooooo!

- By the time she officially assumes her role at Sanctuary, Saori definitely hates herself. It's pretty painful seeing that process really get going in these past few eps.

- Once again, as always, Hyouga comes across as really attentive to Shun. Something about the emphasis on the shot of Hyouga lifting his eyes to him before turning to Shun and addressing him directly when he didn't really need to. The charming thing about Hyouga is that yes, he puffs himself up, but he's also 100% earnest all the time - he doesn't feel self-conscious or defensive about his attentiveness or concern for Shun, either.

- Oh right, the Ikki backstory that for some reason they kicked to the present while cutting Shaka's role. That is a shame. This is one of those things in my grotesque Frankenstein-like personal Saint Seiya canon where the manga version does win out.

- I'M PRETTY SURE THE SETTING WITH ESMERALDA'S DEATH WAS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT IN THE ORIGINAL FLASHBACK...? I MEAN, OKAY, BUT...

- I feel like ordinarily I would be really annoyed by what a flat "I solely exist to make sad doe eyes and then be fridged" female character Esmeralda is, but the whole thing with "teehee, did you mistake me for your little brother again!" "Yeah, you look exactly like him!" "Teeheehee!" is so fucking weird it just drains me of all capacity to be potentially outraged...

- I ENJOY HYOUGA JUST CASUALLY INCLUDING HIMSELF AS ACCOMPANYING SHUN ON HIS IKKI INVESTIGATION LIKE IT'S THE MOST OBVIOUS THING.

- Between this and his boyfriend's complex about his dead mom......... Shun sure has a hard life..........

- And now we're into Shiryuu's filler arc! Considering how weird the manga-anime relationship in StS is and how both fed into and revised each other, is it unreasonable to assume that Kurumada saw this set of episodes and went: "Tiger-themed character to contrast Shiryuu's dragon... Ohko... Ohko... Ohko........... d......ohko...? DOHKO......? WHOA YES NAILED IT"

- I do like the contrast in this episode between Shiryuu presenting a calm facade and "it'll be okay, any one of us would have done it" to the other Bronzies, but here in private he's having violent nightmares and obviously struggling with what's happened to him.

- I feel so sorry for Shunrei. Her body language and expressions here tell you a lot about the quiet frustration and anguish that she keeps pinned down under that gentle, supportive face. Hm, you and your future husband do have that in common, I suppose, Shunrei...

- It's still hard to see Shiryuu taking his frustrations out on Shunrei, though. Uncool, my dude.

- It's also hard to see Shunrei implicitly devaluing herself and "accepting" that her concern isn't enough to move Shiryuu on its own by bringing up Seiya and the others in order to motivate him - and then catching herself for letting an edge get into her voice.

- Seiya, his weird early entry from the filler is over. Ikki gonna Ik. Best to just accept it, the way his younger brother mostly does...

- Hey, is this the first time Seiya belts out his "Saori-san"? An exciting occassion!

- I do think it's interesting and nice in the wider context that Saori comes to Ikki's defense here - both understanding that Saori is privately blaming herself for what happened to Shiryuu and Seiya, and knowing that Ikki is also incredibly damaged for things that she and her grandfather was responsible for. Ikki is fucked up and can't communicate well because of things Saori was complicit in, so yes, it's appropriate that she at least urge others to be understanding of him.

- kurumada flying bythe seat of his pants jokes aside ohko is a bad character sorry

- Seiya/Shiryuu fans must have been veeeeeery happy about this setup with Seiya searching for the magic water...

- It must have taken a ton of courage and frustration for Shunrei to finally "snap" a bit and be honest about what she wants like this. Shunrei is in a painful position where she can't hate Sainthood and what it does to her loved ones, per se - because she was raised by Dohko and owes everything to Saints and has been basically indoctrinated into the SAINTS = NOBLE AND GOOD worldview as well - but it still tears her apart to see Shiryuu volunteer himself to get ripped to shreds, and hate himself and see himself as lesser if he can't do that. So she mostly just locks everything inside.

- I like her including "Seiya and the others will understand!" too, because it reflects her desperation and how much thought she’s quietly put into this.

- She's right, by the way, Shiryuu. You could be so happy with her. You are sort of unique amongst most of the Saints in that you really do have the capacity to find a good life outside of the Sainthood and be happy. RETIRE, GODDAMMIT. (Next Dimension made me a little bit upset, can you tell?)

- Considering Shunrei's courage in putting herself out there in a way she almost never dares to, it really sucks to see Shiryuu just totally reject her in a pretty cruel way. I get that he's hurting, but VERY uncool, man.

- And then Shunrei begging Dohko for help, and just getting "LOL THIS IS THE DESTINY OF SOMEONE WHO LIVES AS A SAINT!" Like, I think Shiryuu is a good guy, but really, Shunrei probably deserves a lot better than a Saint, period.

- And then Ohko and Shiryuu have a shounen fight where Shiryuu regains his self-confidence and Ohko finally grasps the meaning of true strength blah blah blah. Wow, Shunrei really was the most interesting part of this arc, huh?

- All the mumbling Dohko does in these eps about "I must return to my task" is weirdly hilarious to me, though. Like... what, did you take a break from watching the seal for a while? DID YOU LET RHADAMANTHYS SLIP OUT FROM UNDER THE WATERFALL TO OBSERVE THIS DUEL OR

- and then aiolos randomly decides that he wants to take a bath, trolling both graude and sanctuary alike. sure.jpg

- Shiryuu, you stupid fuck. You absolute dumbass. You moron. You could be so, so, so happy. Goddammit, Shiryuu.

- JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, MU

- KIKI IS FUCKING EIGHT YEARS OLD. you didn't leave him a note? did you leave him out food? i love the implication that mu disappeared because he's laying low since sanctuary's mooks are probably after him. YOU DIDN'T THINK IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO WARN KIKI ABOUT THIS?

- ESPECIALLY SINCE A SANCTUARY MOOK DOES ACTUALLY SHOW UP LOOKING FOR MU WHEN KIKI IS THERE AND SEIYA HAS TO SAVE HIM?

- and then we spent an entire filler episode watching seiya climb a mountain and punch birds.

- next episode: HE HAS ARRIVED AT LAST. IT'S MILO TIME MOTHERFUCKERS

[trcthfvl-a]

Bonds Reforged

@oumasaiweek

Day 2 of 7. Love/Hate.

     He had once told Kokichi that he would always be alone. Those words resounded in his head, along with why he ever said them; Kokichi looked at them all like he hated them, despised them so deeply that it seethed around his lies. The vehemence he saw, at the time, he believed to be inappropriate--if he had wanted their help, he should have tried to garner it. This, and the sight of Kaito injured made his blood rush hot and his muscles tense, ready to fight for someone he absolutely believed in.

     The detective knew now that the truth was that both boys had their convictions, and in this game, it had truly placed them on opposite sides. One of them was the mastermind and Kokichi trusted nobody--whereas the detective only knew to work as a group. This fundamental difference... was it really that profound? It would seem so.

     As days passed in the hospital, recovering from exiting Tsumugi’s VR, he had a lot of time to consider, and a lot of time to write. It was promoted anyway; the doctors seemed to agree that organizing his thoughts while readjusting to daily tasks was important, and hopefully, it may even jog is memory. The memory of the true past, the one Tsumugi hadn’t contorted...

     ...And as ever, it laid beyond his grasp. Who he had been, why he had been. All his friendships lain like a blank canvas, students appearing and checking up on him and him not recognizing their face, though the names were something he recalled from the books inside the VR.

     To say the least, it was easier to work on what he did know.

     Putting away his notebook after tearing a page out, he swung his legs over the side of the sterile bed, testing his footing. His legs were weak, but not unable to support his weight, at least. Good progress... though they were sore. Frequent walks to the others could do that. Whatever the case, he wrote down where he was heading and set the note on the nightstand.

     He hadn’t been to this room yet. According to the others, only Miu and Gonta had. Kaito actually had caught a case of pneumonia, so he was bedridden still. It... it was time to break the ice.

     As he came close, he could see the hulking form of Gonta leaving and heading down the other way--he looked upset, but it wasn’t surprising. He’d admitted that Kokichi didn’t talk to him very much and when he did, ‘he is very mean to himself’, as he put it. Today must not have been very different.

     Glad to not be seen, he slipped toward the door and knocked lightly. There was no response, so he called out. “Kokichi?”

     “Go away, Saihara.” The reply was curt and low.

     He considered it. It’d be polite to, but as he pulled his hat down a little, he resolved himself... No, he had to do this, he had to clear things up.

     And so he entered. And was greeted by an empty bottle of water flying at his face. It almost tipped his hat right off, but he staggered and caught himself. “Wh-”

     “I said go away!” He’d never heard him yell like this, so it shocked him quite thoroughly--and it almost seemed to shock the other boy, too. He didn’t look like he understood what he was doing until he’d already done it. “Alright, fine. Whatever. Stay.”

     Dismissive. Hands clutched the blanket on the bed like he could strangle it, and nurses passing by gave them looks, so Shuichi took the hint and closed the door to sit in the afforded chair. It was still warm--Gonta must have been here a while. “S-sorry. I don’t mean to upset you.”

     “It’s a little late for that.” Kokichi indignantly snorted.

     ...That hurt. But he had a purpose for being here.

     “I had a a-ah, question, if that’s alright.”

     The smaller boy looked up at him levelly, like he actually took notice of him for the first time. “You’re wearing your hat again.”

     “Well, y-yeah.” He didn’t give an excuse. It was obvious why, wasn’t it?

     “Why ask me a question at all then? You can’t really expect me to take down my armor if you don’t take down your’s.”

     Armor? Why did that sound... familiar? “Is this... a conversation we’ve had before?”

     Genuine confusion crossed into Kokichi’s expression. “Whaaat, you don’t remember? I know it was a year ago, but geez, that’s not that long ago.”

     A year... So it was.

     “...I don’t remember anything before the game, Kokichi.” His voice was small, smaller than he meant it to be.

     Something flickered in the other’s face, but he couldn’t catch what it was. “So you only remember that.”

     “...Yes.”

     “Why are you here, then? Here to gloat over how you took apart mine and Kaito’s plan?” Sneering, though lacking the proper weight of venom.

     “I wanted to thank you.”

     Kokichi looked like someone killed a small animal in front of him.

     “D-does that sound odd? I suppose it is, b-but... I thought about what I told you after Gonta’s trial... And I realized what I said wasn’t fair.” The other boy was waiting for him to finish, so he forged his way forward. “You knew one of us was the mastermind, but it should have been obvious that you were close to Miu and Gonta... Without them, you didn’t have anyone. You tried many times to talk to me. At the time, I thought that was suspicious, but... you knew what Miu was planning.” He looked up, eyes meeting the purple irises of the other. “If you could’ve gotten my attention, things might have gone differently.”

     Silence. And then a slow nod, uncannily voiceless.

     “You took Kaito to keep him safe.”

     Another nod, this time more willing.

    “...I’m sorry. This ‘talent’ of mine really is a curse.”

     All it had ever done was bring ruin, to expose truths better left alone. He hated it, he hated it so much--he kept the game going for so long that it was insane. Why hadn’t he been killed before then? It would’ve been better-

     “Shuichi-”

     The voice didn’t reach him. His face had fallen, tears welling up in gold-grey eyes as shoulders trembled. He’d killed them-

     A hand lifted his hat off of him, making him reflexively reach for it, but Kokichi--now sitting on the side of his bed--flung it to a far corner of the room. “Nope! Now you’re gonna listen to me.”

     “H-huh?”

     “You were mostly right. I did try to catch your attention, buuut that didn’t happen. Gonta’s execution was my mistake! My bad!” His smile didn’t meet his eyes. “I admire it, you know. Your ability to find the truth, no matter how bad it is. Some of us don’t exactly like that, so we make our own ‘truth’. It’s that simple!”

     Was it really? Kokichi looked so exhausted.

     “Yeah, that’s a lie. It’s actually way difficult. Sometimes a lie is kinder, y’know? But everyone wants the truth instead. Some of us are just able to take it.”

     The ‘truth of the outside world’...

     “...I misunderstood you a lot, Kokichi.”

     “Nope! You saw what I wanted you to see. I can’t show all my tricks, now can I? Not when a game is going!” His expression, though slightly forced, seemed more relaxed now. “You were always really bad at reading me. I think that dumb hat muffles your ears, makes you all dumb.”

     “But I didn’t have it on for most of the-”

     “Nee-hee! True. It was a lie. But I think I know what you wanna hear. ‘No, I don’t hate you’.” If it weren’t for the cunning look on his face, Shuichi might’ve immediately accepted it, but the scrutiny must’ve been apparent. “What? You ended the game. I might not have won, but you proved Tsumugi killed Rantaro! I heard all about it when we woke up.”

     He had?

     “You found out the right truth, Shuichi.”

     The right truth...

     He didn’t understand what compelled him to do it, but he reached for the smaller boy’s hand, holding it in both. It was warm, and it wasn’t pulled away--simply resting there.

     I think I understand us both a little better, now.

     I understand now what power we have. We’re opposite sides of the same coin, choosing right from wrong, truth from lie. I never lost my integrity, but he abandoned it somewhere along the lines.

     ...No. I can feel it in him, even now. He’s scared too. His hand is shaking a little, but he isn’t recoiling. I think... he wants to move forward, too.

     Maybe we can become something even better than our talents.

     Something dripped from in front of him, catching his gaze and making him look up to see large globs of tears forming and running in Kokichi’s gaze. Whoever coined the term ‘ugly crying’ might as well put him as the textbook example, because even snot was running.

     Shuichi didn’t say anything. He didn’t need to, not when he could lean forward to wrap his thin arms around the other boy, accepting him into a strong hug.

     For once, since the end of the killing game, they let go of their self-hatred and let the pain free. It would never truly be over; they would have these scars for the rest of their lives, but they didn’t have to face it alone.

     It’s all either could ask for.