#⸙ ─ pinned under. ﹙ about ﹚

[cardentist]

hey, so people need to be aware that youtube is now (randomly) holding basic features for ransom (such as being able to pin comments under your own videos) in exchange for Your State ID/Drivers License, or a 30 Second Video Of Your Face.

not to pull a "think of the children," but No Actually. I've been making videos as a hobby since 2015 (and I've had my channel since middle school), I was a minor when I started and I'm not sure I would have understood the kind of damage something a seemingly simple as a video of your face can do.

this is a Massive breach of privacy and over-reach on google's part No Matter What, but if they're going to randomly demand a state ID or license then they absolutely should not allow minors to be creators.

google having a stockpile of identifying information on teenagers is bad enough, but the Alternative of recording your face and handing it over to be filed away is Alarming considering it opens the gates for minors who Aren't old enough to have a license.

and yes, there is a third option, but it's intentionally obtuse. a long wait period (2 months), with no guarantee of access (unlike, say, the convenience of using your phone's cameras for either of the other two), with absolutely No elaboration on what the criteria is or how it's being measured.

it's the same psychological effect that mobile games rely on. offer a slow, unreliable solution with no payment to make the Paid instant gratification look more appealing (the "payment" in this case being You. you are the product being offered).

and it's Particularly a system that (I think intentionally) disadvantages people who don't treat their channels like a job. hobbyists or niche creators who don't create regularly enough or aren't popular enough to meet whatever Vague criteria needs to be met to pass.

markiplier would have no problem passing, your little brother might not be able to. and while Mark's name is already out there there's no reason why your little brother's should be too.

something like pinned comments may seem simple, you don't technically Need it. but it's a feature that's been available for years. most people don't look at descriptions anymore. so when there's relevant information that needs to be delivered then the pinned comment is usually the go to.

for my little channel that information is about the niche series I create for. guides on how to get into the series, sources on where to find the content At All (and reliably so). for other creators it can be used for things Much More Important.

Moreover, if we let them get away with cutting away "small" features and selling it back to you for the price of your privacy, then they Will creep further. they Will take more.

Note: I have an update to this post here: [Link]

[brother-emperors]

TRY AGAIN LATER

it's like. well. its several things.

(Plutarch's Crassus, trans. Warner)

and also this

(ibid.)

that compliment sounds like an insult, baby.

anyway, there's a fun kind of eroticism in being given everything, in taking things that aren't yours without any real consequence, in climbing towards becoming a Roman Alexander, only for one man to deny you, over and over and over again, at every turn. Sulla tried, Crassus did it better. who would put a butcher in their place? who else knows you well enough to do it? who else can match you step for step like this? doesn't it feel like a kind of intimacy, a kind of—

it's also about the 'even sulla kissed my sword/so you want me on my knees too?' innuendo was too good to pass up. that was actually the first line I wrote, I figured out the rest of this to justify making a comic with it

and finally! the sword line is referencing/playing off of Lucan's Pharsalia a little bit because it fucks hard

(Lucan's Pharsalia, trans. Jane Wilson Joyce)

EDIT: oh, and that's a public domain anatomical illustration of a heart. you know how it is with love and hate.

[moderndaypandora]

The LAYERS needed in a modern/human Dreamling au.  Some level of Endless family dysfunction, obviously.  Hob's family can be be dead or not, it's all good. Are they old enough to have individually gained the awareness they are off-puttingly intense and should hide it a bit at first, or still in that "no, why would I need to Elsa this" stage?

Option A is both of them trying to play it cool, like "don't scare him off" except they so badly want to go from zero to sixty.

(Death and Desire have ruthlessly drilled Dream with flashcards about how to react appropriately in situations.

Desire: it's your one-month anniversary, what do you do?

Dream: [hesitantly] NOT propose?

Desire and Death, conferring, because that's technically correct but the delivery was suspect.

Death, encouragingly: Good start. And?


Dream: a nice dinner and maybe a walk?

Desire: well done!

Death: and for a three-month anniversary?


Dream: give them a key to my flat.

Desire: [airhorn] NO. RED CARD.)

Option B makes them the classic anecdotal "my grandparents got engaged within seven days of meeting each other and still are happy together".

(Death, rubbing her temples: so you met this guy--

Dream: Hob

Death: -- Hob, and within 1 day you gave notice to the Registrar's Office and figured out the best day to get married. And Hob agreed to this?

Dream: NO.

Death: oh thank go-

Dream: Hob SUGGESTED this.

Death: . . .

Dream: are you going to be a witness or not?

Death, 29 days later in the Registrar's Office, to Hob's witness: Is he sane?

Johanna Constantine, drinking heavily from a large flask: unfortunately yes, by all legal definitions.

Death: fuck

Johanna: [passing the flask over] if your brother's even a tenth as intense as Hob, they'll be fine. Probably.

Death, brightening: Is Hob that bad?


Johanna: You know how sometimes you meet somebody and think "oof, they're a bit much, best give them a wide berth"?


Death: yeah.

Johanna: Hob's like a camouflaged hole in the ground of muchness. Except he's done the hole up all nice and he knows that sometimes you just want to be left alone in the hole to sulk and rattle the spikes for a bit, and occasionally get a F&M hamper tossed in.

Death: [hmmmmmmm'ing approvingly]

Johanna, morose: the bastard.

In the background, Hob and Dream are pressing their foreheads together and basking in each other's presence)

[bixels]

everyone already sucking ya dick in the notes so to clarify it’s fine if you draw lesbian shit but if it’s the ONLY thing you draw and it’s the ONLY shit that makes you so popular and you’re literally only known for your lesbian art that’s weird man. “uuu we need more lesbian content uu” yeah from LESBIANS! lesbians in the notes stand up like why u want man-made lesbian content so bad. also put your pronouns somewhere dude it’s not hard

Alright, I agree. I should be doing more, so I'm gonna be expanding my art content.

[cologona]

Bruce didn’t mean to slice Jason’s throat and if he did mean it, it was only to disable , it wasn’t lethal and the wound would’ve been treated, and though that didn’t happen it wasn’t Bruce who sealed Jason’s fate but Joker who set off the explosion, and anyways Jason didn’t actually die he comes back in other comics.

Except none of that matters. It matters for the validity of UTRH as a Batman story that Bruce has deniability sure, but does it absolve him? UTRH says No. At the end of the day Bruce would rather attack his son than let his murderer die. Bruce thought he was refusing the choice but the lesson of this tragedy is that refusing to pick one over the other boils down to choosing the other.

[pinnithin]

enver gortash fascinates me from the perspective of his relationship with the dark urge because like, as far as i know his alliance with them is one of the very few he didn’t actively despise. the guy was sold into slavery by his own parents (who tried to justify it by saying their child was a hateful monster and anyone would have done the same) and spent his formative years employed by a devil who gets off on gratuitous levels of suffering and manipulation. and then once he's escaped that and built himself up so he can never be used and enslaved again he meets this bhaalspawn who also had to adapt and survive a violent and manipulative environment for years by becoming the monsters who raised them.

gortash sees how the dark urge has risen to command armies and slaughter hundreds in the same way he outfoxed raphael and ruthlessly controls the people in his employ, and after earning and owning his reputation as a tyrant heres another person who might actually have like, a shared lived experience. not exactly a friend, because people like them can't afford to have friends, but someone who at least understands. and he willingly works with them on this plan to enslave the sword coast and agrees to share power with them.

and then orin lobotomizes them, puts a tadpole in their head, and leaves them for dead at moonrise.

like, can you imagine. youre working with the first person you see eye to eye with and prooooobably arent plotting to actively sabotage (or, at least would hesitate to do so) and the rug just gets yanked out from under them by their own sister, and now you're stuck with her because the plan still has to move along. and as the days go by a group of adventurers start to screw up your plot right when baldur's gate is within your grasp, and you learn that among them is your old almost-friend who you actually liked and respected - and they have no memory of you whatsoever. oh, and on top of that they're rolling with people you've actively fucked over and want to kick your ass.

did it hurt for him to learn this? did he ever think about how things could have been different? did he think, you were supposed to be my ally, my friend, someone who actually understands that becoming a monster is the only way to keep yourself safe and in control. we were going to rule together. and now you're ride or die with this squad of people you've only known for a few weeks at best, and you want me dead. you don't even remember me. you don't even remember yourself.

[fisheito]

i wanted to see altaria rei then i started goofin around

[siooin]

My review on episode 5 + some comparisons with manga and ln1.

It's mainly about Souheki because if i don't talk about them every chance i get i will explode.

Start of the episode ,i love the idea of using the sound the Ramune bottle and marble to attract Atsushi's n audiences' attention.It's a shame that they didn't animate Kunikida's soft smile when Ranpo was being even more rude in the manga.

annnnnnd ofc he's gonna focus on the marble and leave Atsushi sitting there awkwardly. Ranpo autism moment.

Atsushi thought Ranpo can't do anything without an ability is funny.Atsushi sweetie that's some wild assumption for a guy you just met a few days ago.He really just saw Ranpo can't take the train and assumed the worst lol.

this scene is always interesting to me because this is the only time we saw Ranpo paying respect to the dead like this.Now i have a few guesses of the reason.

1.a simple one is that maybe he did this all the time,after all we only saw him solve crimes with real bodies like two times.in perfect crime arc they were on rush.

2.Ranpo actually said "oh it's a lady",so yeah maybe he only did that to certain people

3.it's the start of the series so eveything is still uncertain

I don't have anything to add here,i think we could all agree dazai being there wasn't a coincident.

Another thing i mourn not making into Anime is that Ranpo saying even Dazai is an enigma to him in manga.it adds more layer in their relationship.tbh it's a bit boring if Ranpo always knows what Dazai is up to.

Now it's cute seeing Dazai defending Ranpo like that because i dont think minoura would actually hit him or something,maybe Dazai just wants to stop the bickering.

I love Ranpo's motto "All's well that's well for me" because it just like him.It seem self-center at first, but if you know him a little better, you'll know it actually means as long as he's fine he can make sure everyone else is fine.It's not just the meaning,this is how everyone's impression of him at first vs when they get to know him.

this part annoyed me the most cause Dazai looks so fond in the manga ,but he looks passive and serious in anime.LIKE WTF WAS THAT???DAZAI NEVER LOOKED AT RANPO LIKE THAT>>this leads to my biggest complaint of this episode⬇

//spoil for light novel 1

it has been talked many times how messed up the azure messenger arc aka light novel 1 adaption is.But I want to add it was so poor that it has already affects this episode.In the manga, Dazai didn't explain how he knows Ranpo didn't have an ability to Atsushi.The explanation here is actually straight up pull up from ln1 what he told Kunikida after he first met Ranpo.BUT because Bones don't wanna properly adapt the novel, they have to stiffly add it here.So that's why Dazai seemed serious when testing Ranpo,they want to add the impression this is the first time he discover it.

Do you want to know another fucked up thing about this scene is?They phased it like Dazai never work with Ranpo , that they're unfamiliar with each other.But in reality, Dazai has saw Ranpo's "ability"the very first time they met.They have worked together so well that they received their own name "Souheki".Dazai admires Ranpo so much that he constantly compliment him.

End the post of my favorite shot of this episode<3 Look at my son having the best time in his life🤩🤩🤩good for him good for him.

[whaliiwatching]

Caught up to the fic!! Absolutely fascinated by all the queer/punk/poc history here, since I don't know much myself. Very sweet chapter as well.

Unrelated question - mostly - but why is it common fanon to depict Noir as the more scarred up of various spiderpeople? Naturally everyone has their fair share of fights, though the only we see sustaining any marks is Peter B and his misaligned nose. Personally, I've taken it as Noir Peter not healing as cleanly due to it being Spider God stuff over Weird Radioactive Healing Factor stuff. Thoughts?

thank you so much!! i’m glad you liked it, & hope the ending was satisfying for ya <3

short answer: hot

long answer, plus a map of my idea of noir’s scars: under readmore :)

i’m not a devout spidey comic/movie fan or a doctor. this is based on conjecture and minimal research!

when i came up with my unmasked noir ideas, i wasn’t influenced by fanon—i hadn’t seen any other fan art, not even when itsv came out. but i can think of a good few reasons that scarred noir is a popular headcanon: evidence of what he’s been through makes him feel more tangible/relatable, the visual difference enhances his thematic individuality as distinct from other spider-people (especially other Peter Parkers), self-consciousness can explain why he doesn’t take off his mask in itsv even around other spiders.

all perfectly valid and interesting reasons! but the first two reasons are doylist and the last one is missing a crucial question: why does he have scars? unless a wound is severe, gets infected, or gets lucky, it won’t usually scar. facial injuries especially need to be really bad to leave a mark. and of course most if not all other spider-people have the healing factor. so what gives??

i like the spider god’s curse influences healing factor idea; it opens up some nice angsty possibilities regarding an inability to Be “Fixed;” no matter how much he tries, he can’t erase/forget what’s happened to him. but i also enjoy the bandaging someone up after a fight genre of fic, and am annoyingly pedantic, so my personal working theory is that the healing factor is not a doctor with ten plus years of experience and an accurate understanding of human anatomy. when a bone really badly breaks, it has to be reset or it’ll heal wrong. to me, the healing factor doesn’t know what ‘right’ is, only ‘fast’ and ‘effective.’ it’s an accelerant, not a substitute for medicine.

so let’s establish the baseline. modern spideys either receive modern medical attention or the injury is superficial enough that they don’t require it. even poverty-stricken peter parkers get rushed to the hospital, because fictional doctors Don’t Care About The Money and/or peter is dolled up in spider gear and who’s going to ignore a visibly beat-up celebrity hero?? plus i honestly believed peter b’s nose was just genetics or smthn. my nose is misaligned and it’s never been broken to my knowledge

to compare, noir lives in 1933 and, far as i can tell, doesn’t rlly garner the same fame and respect from the public as modern spideys do. in the 30s, medicine was meh (they had x-rays but didn’t rlly consider radiation much of a threat, penicillin was still in its infancy, polio was a huge threat, etc) but was also, more importantly, far too expensive for most people suffering during the Great Depression. whatever treatment noir receives after a fight, if any, would look way different from ours. that means his healing factor, which can’t differentiate scars from normal skin or a misaligned bone from a whole one, would be inefficiently assisted or left alone. it would leave its history behind.

on the infectious disease side of things, it’s probably much easier for even noir to recover from less physical ailments like the flu and pneumonia—spider healing factor likely remembers and codes for immunity better than regular immune systems—but without modern drug therapies he’d still be worse for wear, ie internal scarring. mans would have a shorter-than-average parker lifespan if not for the pseudo-immortality of the Spider God

anyway. all this to say, here’s my personal map of parker’s scars. crop tank and daisy dukes to keep tumblr off my ass <3

(tbh this is more for my reference than anyone else’s, i’m sick of looking through my art of Just His Forearms to keep my details consistent, but maybe someone will find it interesting lol)

[the-judicial-assistants-notebook]

oh yeah i hate this btw. lmao:

[the-meme-monarch]

pointing a gun at all these empty blogs that keep re-following me after i softblock them tears in my eyes shaking crying prove to me you're a person!!!!!! prove it!!!! make or reblog a post!!!! put something in your blog title!! something, anything!!!!!

[nouverx]

Your art is soo incredibly pretty! Are we allowed to use it as profile pictures(obviously with proper credit)?

Oh didn't I answer this ask before? I'm pretty sure I did ahah, but as I said before, yes you are free to use my art as profile pictures! Credit is appreciated but not obligatory! I really don't mind

Oh and while I'm here, for everyone else, comic dubs are allowed too as long as it's credited! And I'd always love to see the result so don't be scared to send it to me! ❤

For reposts, I know I can't really stop anyone from reposting but just know that I don't really appreciate it. I post a lot here and a lot less on twitter for example, and most of the time it's because I'm not always comfortable sharing some of my posts on twitter because I'm not sure what reactions I could get,, same for ig, and I don't even have tiktok. I know some of you mean well and just want to share my posts on a wider audience on other socials (especially the funny comics and I understand why ahah) but please understand that I'm not always comfortable with my art circulating on other social medias, please try to respect that!

[holy-loki]

the emerald pin in velvet goldmine (1998) 

[opiummist]

ASLIHAN MALBORA? Não! É apenas FAHRIYE AYDAN, ela é filha de HIPNOS do chalé VINTE e tem VINTE E CINCO ANOS. A TV Hefesto informa no guia de programação que ela está no NÍVEL II por estar no Acampamento há DEZ ANOS, sabia? E se lá estiver certo, FAE é bastante CALOROSA mas também dizem que ela é DISTRAÍDA. Mas você sabe como Hefesto é, sempre inventando fake news pra atrair audiência.

HABILIDADES: Sentidos aguçados.

ARMA: Adaga de Ópio - Consiste em uma adaga de ferro estígio, incrustada com pedras verdes mágicas que expelem a substância extraída da papoula, o ópio, em sua lâmina, assim conseguindo colocar seus alvos em um estado incontrolável de sonolência ao serem atingidos.

BENÇÃO: Recebeu de Nyx a benção que aprimora suas habilidades durante o período noturno, tornando-a mais forte e resistente após o pôr-do-sol. Fahriye falha em encontrar vantagem nesse aperfeiçoamento, apesar de sua gratidão, já que acredita que as noites foram feitas para dormir e recarregar as energias. Contudo, nunca se sabe que criaturas maliciosas podem estar espreitando pelas sombras enquanto a maioria repousa e, talvez, a personificação da noite tenha considerado a vulnerabilidade da filha de Hipnos neste intervalo específico.

PODERES: Névoa do Oblívio - Como filha do patrono do rio da memória e do esquecimento, Fahriye herdou a capacidade de expelir uma densa névoa branca dos lábios, que faz com que todas as pessoas que a inalarem se esqueçam imediatamente do que estavam fazendo e se sintam sonolentas. Inalar grandes quantidades pode causar sérios danos à memória da vítima, podendo ela até esquecer do próprio nome. Como ela é visível, pode facilmente ser evitada por quem for ágil o suficiente e existe um limite de alcance para sua habilidade.

ATIVIDADES: Corrida com obstáculos e corrida de pégaso (modalidade individual).

HER STORY :

─    Satisfeita em ser medíocre, preguiçosa, sem esperança, palhaça da turma… Diversas foram as descrições cruéis e limitantes que Fahriye recebeu de seus professores durante a infância e o início da juventude, todos eles obtusos demais para compreenderem o que realmente acontecia com a adorável garota, que nunca se mostrou muito focada ou interessada nos estudos. Distraída e infindavelmente exausta, independente da ausência de atividades em sua rotina, se destacava negativamente dos demais estudantes sob o olhar do corpo docente, mas cativava os mais jovens e livres de preceitos ultrapassados, que enxergavam nela uma valiosa amiga. O caráter, assim como o carisma encantador, parecia ser irrelevante 

─    Muitos culpavam sua mãe pelo comportamento que apresentava, pois a matriarca sempre apoiou sua prole, sem demonstrar qualquer julgamento ou necessidade de pressioná-la para ser algo que não condizia com sua essência. Pelo contrário, a mulher incentivava a criatividade que a mais nova manifestava, acompanhando de perto cada singularidade demonstrada pela filha, agindo como um verdadeiro alicerce para Fahriye, que jamais sentiu-se sozinha ou desamparada. O vínculo entre elas sempre fora inquebrável, uma espécie de conexão inexplicável e que agracia apenas os mais afortunados. E logo a semideusa viria a aprender mais sobre a postura louvável de Aydan diante da filha. 

─    Todo o suporte recebido não a deixou insusceptível às ameaças que inconscientemente sofria, durante anos interpretadas como criação de sua imaginação fértil, uma escape para a realidade monótona que a desinteressava. Foi durante uma noite atribulada de sono, que Fahriye foi atacada por um imenso ciclope, que consistia em uma manifestação controlada por um inimigo de Hipnos, que tentava afrontar o deus através de sua filha. O que ele não contava, porém, era do esquecimento do deus acerca da própria prole e da surpreendente agilidade demonstrada pela garota, que despertara aos berros de sua primeira noite mal dormida. Após o incidente, Aydan e o protetor da garota chegaram ao consenso de que havia chegado o momento de enviá-la para o acampamento meio-sangue.

─    A verdade sobre sua genealogia foi revelada com detalhes e paciência, introduzindo a morada dos semideuses como ela. Assim que chegou ao local, foi imediatamente reclamada por Hipnos, que finalmente teve um lembrete sobre a existência da filha e demonstrava interesse em criar novos laços com ela. O inédito e inesperado horizonte surgiu diante de Fahriye, que agora se sentia pertencente a um lugar além de seu lar e com um novo propósito. A cada passo na trajetória de autodescoberta, encontra as respostas para as dúvidas que sempre a assombraram, e que agora a encantavam.

─    Honrado seu vínculo com o deus do sono, ela tem como atividade favorita bons cochilos durante o dia, não enfrentando qualquer dificuldade em adormecer, até mesmo nos lugares mais desconfortáveis e inusitados. Mas engana-se quem a interpreta como uma pessoa preguiçosa ou improdutiva. Depois de finalmente descobrir sobre suas origens e desprender-se do remorso construído por todas as críticas infundadas recebidas durante a vida, Fahriye tem como objetivo destacar-se no acampamento, superando todas as limitações que a impediam de encontrar seu potencial em totalidade. É extremamente receptiva, calorosa e divertida, acolhendo a todos independente de qualquer filiação. Dentro dela também existe uma guerreira, que é capaz de enfrentar qualquer ameaça em defesa de seus objetivos.

TRIVIA :

Sofre de TDAH.

Durante toda a vida apresentou picos de energia. Passa grande parte do dia cansada e sonolenta, mas também é comum tornar-se agitada de um instante para o outro. Aproveita estes picos para ser mais produtiva.

Tem memória fotográfica.

Excede-se na corrida de pégaso pois o voo é uma atividade que acentua sua concentração, o que já lhe rendeu algumas vitórias. Seu envolvimento com o esporte se iniciou como uma tentativa despretensiosa de exercitar seu foco e foi incrivelmente efetiva neste objetivo.

[chuplayswithfire]

stede, inadequacy, and the perpetuating cycle of self-hate and low self-esteem

i've been pondering making a post on this ever since i started my live re-watch (which. no one ask how that's going) because that "i am adequate" moment of stede's is just. exquisite.

the surface layer of this moment is that it shows that stede's self-esteem is clearly in the toilet, because his pep-up talk to himself, his power-pose serious-face getting-himself-together moment, is saying something as underwhelming as "i am adequate". it's heart-warming that he's realized this about himself, and heart-breaking that this is as far as his self-confidence can take him.

but as i've considered the series, and stede, on further rewatches, what i've started to notice is... that statement is correct. mostly.

stede is adequate. stede is fit for the task at hand. stede is, in this moment, capable.

and the part that i've been chewing over is: this may be one of the very few moments in stede's life where this is true.

think about it: stede has been told all his life that he is a lily-livered little rich boy, that he's a coward, that he's useless, that he has nothing of worth and value to the world. now, obviously these are horrible, cruel, and objectively terrible things to say to any child, and it's hellacious that these things were repeated to stede by his father and peers, and that his mother appears to have played absolutely no roll in counteracting that message, and people come out of that kind of confidence-destroying, self-esteem crushing experience with, generally, one of two responses:

they make themselves the best thing since sliced bread often accompanied by a brutal perfectionism streak

they stop making real efforts and withdraw because nothing they do will ever be good enough

stede's pretty clearly fallen into that second category. by the beginning of the series we can see that pre-the revenge stede (and honestly, even captain of the revenge!stede) has retreated primarily into a life of fantasy and fiction, withdrawing into reading and his own thoughts and barely paying attention to or really interacting with the world around him.

he reads at the dining room table, able to completely block out the sounds of his children running and shouting, fails to hear mary even when they're having direct conversations (buddy she hates the ocean-), has hired lucius to record fantastical versions of his life as a pirate for what appears to be the specific purpose of turning them into a memoir...

stede has checked out completely. and the thing is? you cannot be "useful" or "helpful" or "build meaningful relationships" when you are that checked out.

at that point in his life, post-childhood and pre-piracy, stede had checked out of being an active participant in his own life. he marries the woman his father found for him, he and mary have the children that are required (i don't think it's a coincidence that the writing team chose to give them only two children, and make the youngest the boy), and they live the very bare-bones version of the life they're supposed to and it is not enough. they are rich and comfortable and have family dinner nightly and stede is so miserable that he cries alone in the dark.

and part of that is because he hates his life. part of that is because this life doesn't fit him and it's not what he wants. part of it is that he's about as straight as an ouroboros.

but a big part of it is that stede still feels as useless and unwanted and incapable as he was made to feel as a child, only this time, the reason he feels that way is because he's internalized how horrible he is at everything, so he doesn't even really try.

sure, we don't see a lot of stede and mary's married life, but what we do see speaks volumes: mary seems to be the principle minder of the children, the one who knows about their nightmares, the one who asks them about their favorite animals, the one who enjoys raising them. mary also seems to be the active partner in the marriage: mary makes an anniversary gift that represents their marriage and wedding day, crafted from her very own creative pursuit that she wants to share with stede.

the primary interaction we see stede have is playing pirates with the children right after mary has asked him not to because it's caused nightmares, and using the moment where mary has asked alma and louis about their favorite horse to interject with his favorite horse.

and like, i'm not here to say stede was a horrible useless father or anything like that, but as a father, stede was clearly not successful - louis is absolutely old enough to remember his father, but he doesn't, even though it can't have been more than a few months since stede left, a year at the absolute maximum. and that could be interpreted as louis being passive aggressive, but i think that would be a very loose interpretation; it's much more likely that stede was genuinely not a strong presence in louis' mind, because he wasn't a very involved parent.

the primary interactions we see between mary and stede are equally distant - stede barely touches her for their engagement/wedding portrait, is also distant in the family portrait (which is one reason he can be so easily painted out of it), appears to regularly ignore mary during conversations or at the very least quickly forget about them (the ocean.... bro the ocean -), and provided an anniversary gift that was entirely focused on his own wants and needs, aka, the desire to retreat further into those fantasies by running off on a boat. to break up the monotony - which he's clearly never spoken to mary about feeling, because she's shocked to hear that he finds their lives monotonous.

and like, domestic life can be very monotonous - but it can also be dynamic and exhilarating, especially when you have young children and you're helping them grow and change and transform into actual people. it seems very likely that one of the reasons that stede finds life with his family so monotonous is that he's not actually participating in it.

and this is probably part of why he cries at night. this is definitely part of why he feels useless, and its absolutely why he thought he could just walk away from his family without a real word to them about it. to tie this back to the thesis statement:

stede has been "inadequate" his entire life, and that was initially due to the abusive and unrealistic standards he was held to by his father and peers, but that continued into his adult life because of stede's own internalizing of that abuse. stede is inadequate because he doesn't try, not in ways that would leave him emotionally vulnerable, and he doesn't try because he's been told all his life that he's useless and inadequate and a failure. it's a perpetuating cycle that doesn't break until stede finally walks away.

the idea came to stede to escape further into fantasy and build that boat - and he had it built, without speaking about it to mary until it was far enough along that it was either completed or nearly so, depending on how much time you think passed between the anniversary scene and the "we only have one life" scene. the idea was initially one where he was accompanied by his family, but it doesn't seem like stede actually considered the details of actually having his family aboard the ship, not the way he considered the details of having it entirely crafted to his preferences and desires and interests. his family being aboard the ship with him was not the central focus of the fantasy - the fantasy was running away and starting a new life as someone cool, someone adventurous, someone people respected.

stede was inadequate as a father and husband, because he was too convinced of his own worthlessness to *try* to be a good father and husband. he was no longer being psychologically and emotionally abused at home, but it didn't matter, because his mindset was such that his own unpacked trauma was doing a fine job of carrying out the abuse in absence of people eager to inflict the abuse for him.

and then we get to the revenge, and stede is, as we all know, entirely inadequate as a sailor, a captain, and a pirate.

he has great ideas, he has a people positive management style, and plenty of money to throw around, but he doesn't know how the ship works, he doesn't know how to help on the ship, and he doesn't know how to engage with his crew in a way that earns their respect. they don't hate him, but even lucius is on board for the mutiny, and even oluwande, who actually seems to like him first, thinks he's going to get them all killed. everyone except stede knows he's bad at this, and then, stede knows he's bad at this.

and it's pretty crushing! it hurts his confidence, a LOT, and then in walks nigel badminton, a living representation of that internalized self-hatred and all stede's low self-esteem... of course stede whacks him over the head once nigel starts in on the bullying and the rhetoric. of course he does! there's only so much a person can take.

this is when things start to turn around a bit for stede. first: the guilt and the horror set in, the emergence from fantasy back into something like reality: stede realizes that there is no going back. there is no return to his old life. he is a pirate and being a pirate is not like the fantasies he had - it is killing and blood and his childhood bully's corpse on the ground in a puddle of blood, a sword through his head. it is taking hostages and realizing his crew wants to torture them and trying to gently ease away from that. it's losing his hostages and again realizing - i might be bad at this. i might be terrible at this. i might once more be as useless as everyone has always said i am. it is freaking out, and then it's gathering himself once more and saying -

"i am adequate"

it's trying. it's actually trying, earnestly. that plan to steal the hostages back from izzy might be silly and ridiculous, but it's thought out, and most importantly, it takes advantage of stede's only strength - everyone underestimates him. everyone thinks he's useless.

he wins his men back because izzy turns away from him even though stede has a knife drawn, because he never thinks enough of stede to imagine he'd do something with it.

in these first two episodes alone, we see stede put forth more significant effort at being a pirate than he ever seems to have put being into a father or husband. he's engaging. he's sharing his interests in a way that invite others to develop their interests. he's sharing vulnerability and seeking counsel and guidance. he's putting himself out there, and the show rewards him for this with success: with getting his first hostages, and then with stealing one back from a trio of actually dangerous pirates. episode three actually continues this trend, despite the fact that stede is tricked, betrayed, and stabbed - episode three shows us that by trying, by putting forth efforts, by not withdrawing but being active, stede has captured the attention of blackbeard himself - leading to stede's rescue in his great time of need, by blackbeard himself.

and episodes four through seven feature stede rising to still greater heights - the more effort he puts in, the more he's rewarded. it's a pretty simple point but it's there: the less stede withdraws from the world, the more effort he puts in, the more effort he puts in, the more adequate and confident he feels, the more adequate and confident he feels, the more he bonds with other people -

to the point that in episode eight, stede has enough confidence to stand in front of his crew and ed both and tell jack to get off his ship. even after an entire episode where he was pushed back into those feelings of inadequacy and helplessness, he takes his newfound confidence and sense of self and he sets a hard boundary and tells jack to get off his ship, and just as importantly, he does not take it back even when this causes him to lose ed.

yes, he spends the entire night spying on them like a creep, but stede does not go chasing after ed, he doesn't lower the boundary, he doesn't trample over his own newly-gained sense of self-worth by frantically backpedaling. even in the face of a break up, he holds fast.

that's really fucking good. that's incredible, for a guy with such terrible self-esteem, and i would wager that most of you reading this felt as proud of him as i did.

which is also, by the way, probably the same reason most of us felt so damned disappointed in episode nine, when stede falters under chauncey badminton and the re-traumatization of seeing him die, and the horrible, soul-destroying spew of words spat at him.

stede goes back to his family in barbados not because he actually wants to be with them, but because he wants to punish himself. because he feels that he is a plague upon the earth who has ruined ed, and that by leaving he somehow unbalanced the universe and caused destruction to his family. he is resigning himself to a life he hates (and resigning his family to living with him and his misery) because the trauma of that experience - from the kidnapping all the way down to chauncey's accidental death - has eviscerated his burgeoning self-confidence and newly grown sense of self-esteem. in that moment, stede is lower than any other moment in the present course of the show, because by the time the show started, stede had decided he deserved happiness, no matter how inadequate he might be. end of episode nine stede has relinquished that.

he is making his house a prison again, a place of misery and pain, again. because stede's house could have always been a better place. his relationship with mary would have never been romantically loving, but it could have been friendly, it could have been warm. his relationship with his children could have been close-knit and essential, instead of a bond so thin Louis has already forgotten him. all stede would have needed to do is meet them halfway, and he couldn't. he was too miserable, too-filled with self-loathing, too consumed by other people's judgements of his worth, and now he's pickling in that toxic cocktail of self-hate and self-doubt all over again - and where stede was expressing it all via withdrawal and sadness before, now he expresses it through anger.

he's angry that he came back and no one seems to have missed him. he's angry that mary replaced him. he's angry that mary won't give up the "dishonest title", won't give up the life she made for herself the way he gave up the life he made for himself. he's hurting still and he's sad still, but he's expressing it through anger, and that's why he's snide and cutting and passive-aggressive, and eventually, violent. stede's angry that he gave up everything to come back here and fix what he "ruined" and the sacrifice isn't appreciated or wanted.

and then you know, he's nearly killed and the shock of that bursts his bubble, and the tension between he and mary. they talk, finally. mary gets what she wanted, which is a conversation, which is stede meeting her halfway, and between the two of them and in a newly safe space, stede can admit that this isn't working, and he can admit what will work, and he can admit what he wants, which is to be in love with ed and go after him.

but he was only able to get to that point because he started trying. he was only able to reach out and find closure and peace and love and happiness and friendship because he stopped checking out, stopping punishing himself, and started trying.

the only way out is through. wherever you go, there you are. the only way for stede to begin overcoming his trauma and grappling with his low self-esteem and endless cycle of misery was to invest in his life and engage with it and do something, anything, about it.

that's one of the many points of stede's narrative: that you have to try. you have to reach out. stede was a participant in making his own misery, and mary's misery, and his kids' misery, all because after years of emotional and psychological abuse he had withdrawn into himself and stopped reaching out - which meant that he couldn't have meaningful connections - which hurt - which made him withdraw, and so on, and so on.

the point of stede being a middle-aged man when he finds love and gets his first tastes of real happiness is to show that it's never too late to start over. it's never too late to try. it's never too late to be an active participant in your own life. it's never too late to choose happiness.

tldr: you can't feel adequate or confident or happy if you don't become an active participant in your own life.

[pathologictwo]

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