#'but don't worry I'm not mad :) hit me up sometime maybe we can hang out as friends :)'

[repentarium]

the truth is i've been dreaming of this tired, tranquil place tag 9/??

ao3

Eddie has this way sometimes of looking at someone, at Steve, and seeing through any walls, no matter how carefully constructed they are, reading the DNA and the writing in his bones, and acting like it's normal, like it's nothing. Like his eyes, dark until the light hits them just right and shines them up, have some kind of superpowers. In Hawkins it wouldn't be out of the question. 

For Steve, who hasn't really had anyone care in such a meaningful way, not really, not ever, it can feel huge and nearly overwhelming. 

They've been living in the apartment over the cafe for a little over two months when Steve gets a call. It's the early evening, and he and Eddie had just sat down to dinner and TV. When the phone rings, Eddie is on the way back from the kitchen with a couple of beers, so he snags the phone on the way. 

'Hawkins Morgue, you slash 'em we stash 'em, this is Eddie.' His eyes widen and his posture straightens and he says 'yes sir', then props the phone up and flips it off, whispering 'your shit dad' at Steve as he heads back to the couch. He hands him his beer on the way, then uses his free hand to ruffle what Steve is sure is calm vibes into his hair. He cheers him and flops onto the sofa, and Steve drains half of the bottle in preparation before he even stands. 

'Hello?! Steven?'

'Hi.' he says, mostly because he knows his dad hates the greeting, thinks it's 'too casual and unprofessional'. 

'Good god I thought you were in a ditch somewhere, I had to call the video store to get your number! Where are you?'

If you wanted to get really technical about it, Steve hadn't told them he'd left the Harrington house, not really. He'd left a message with his dad's office assistant and then kind of forgotten about it, honestly. 

'I moved out.' He learned long ago that short and to the point worked best with his dad; he was going to get mad no matter what, and stalling just made it worse. 

There's a long silence on the other line, and Steve meets Eddie's eye and takes another drink while he waits for his dad to process. Eddie sends him a thumbs up. 

'Out of the house? With what money?'

'With my money.'

'Well that's smart, wasting your tiny paycheck on what, some apartment? And leaving the house completely empty, too, who knows what-'

'You left it empty, Dad. I'm not the one who bought the damn thing.'

'Well you're going to get back here now so we can talk about this and you'll move your things back in. Use your head for once, your mother is worried sick.'

'We've been here for like… two months?' he looks at Eddie again, and he holds up three fingers, waggles them. 'Three, three months. And you never returned my calls and haven't said anything to me the whole time.'

'That's bullshit and you know it, Steven-' Steve hangs up the phone, delicately unplugs the cord from the back, and sits down to have dinner. Eddie gives him a high five when he sinks into the couch next to him and they don't talk about it again. 

—

Sometimes when Steve is working during the day and Eddie isn't, Eddie will bring him lunch. Usually just a sandwich and a Coke, maybe a handful of chips in a little bag, but it's one of the nicest things anyone has done for Steve and he keeps doing it. 

He always plays it off, says it's not a big deal, he needs to get outside anyway or he'll just hang around in his underwear all day or whatever, but it's a big deal to Steve. 

It's a slow day and he's sure Eddie will come by any minute, he knows it’s his day off; he's waiting around, bored, when he hears a commotion outside. At first he ignores it, thinks it's not his business as long as it's humans and it’s not his humans, but he hears a loud and dramatically enunciated 'fuck off' that he recognizes and he's past the counter and through the door before he even realizes. 

Eddie's just outside of the Family Video, hands up in a placating move even though his eyes are hard and angry enough Steve can see them from the door. 

There's a small group around him, none of them the original headhunters from when he was wanted for murder, but enough of them in Hawkins Tigers jackets Steve knows exactly what's happening as he walks up behind them. The fact that they're a new generation doesn't change the way they'll be.

'There a problem here, fellas?' he walks up behind the group, claps a hand on the shoulder of the one closest to him so he can shift him to the side and walk through. As he gets closer to Eddie, he sees a crushed little paper bag on the ground. He nudges it with his toe and looks Eddie in the eye, and they have one of those telepathic conversations that go ‘are you okay?’ and ‘yeah’, communicated in a tension in the eyes and a lifted brow. 

Steve knows he fell from grace a long time ago, but he also knows while he was in school he made enough of a name for himself that standing next to Eddie means something, even in his annoying work vest, and even against the young shitheads across from him that he’s sure he’s never even met. 

'Harrington, fuck off.' 

Okay, maybe it means a little less these days, but it's not like he's gonna leave Eddie alone out here so he stands straight, arms crossed, an inch away from Eddie's arm in what he hopes is obvious solidarity. 

'Buddy, I don't even know your name but you're barking up the wrong tree here.' He makes the mistake of glancing at Eddie and sees him mouthing the word 'barking?' back at him in disbelief and it almost makes him burst into laughter, but he's shaken back to seriousness when the mouthy one talks again. 

'What are you, his fucking boyfriend? We should have all guessed, you stick together, you fa-'

'Get the fuck out of here.' Steve escalates from annoyance to the kind of absolute anger that has him swinging a bat at a creature so scary these idiots would never imagine, biting into the leather of a demobat, slamming it against hard craggy ground. It's a fast enough transition that it's like his adrenaline is overwhelming, like he could actually fight the whole group on his own with no punches pulled even if they are human kids, just a group of a different kind of hive mind. 

He'd do it, too, in that moment, it's like his muscles are coiled and tense and just waiting for a wrong move. The mouthy one must see something in the set of Steve's jaw and the grit of his teeth, or maybe his eyes look a little wild, because he scoffs and kicks the paper bag on the ground at him, gets too close to him and shoves a shoulder against his as he passes, but he does pass, and the rest of his gang of asshats follow him off, laughing and shoving at each other and probably off to ruin someone else's day, someone who won't put up as much of a fight maybe. Steve watches them go until Eddie clears his throat, his hand on his arm making him jump a little. 

'Hey, it's okay.' 

Steve looks at him and swallows, feels shaky. 'Yeah, sorry, yeah.'

'Don't apologize, man, you probably saved me a tussle. You were a little scary though. Not, like, to me, but it felt like you channeled a little Hell Babysitter, you know. Metal.' Eddie's hand is still on his arm and he pats it a little before leaning down. 'Those monsters got your sandwich, though, I'm afraid.'

'Come back in with me anyway? It's slow.' Steve doesn't say 'I still feel weird and shaky and my stomach hurts bad enough I don't think I could eat it anyway' but he bets Eddie can tell what he means with his weirdo insight because he follows him in with a hand at his back. He tosses the crumpled up bag into the trash as they go in, and he sits with him behind the counter, feet up by the register, as he calms down a little. 

All at once it's like the adrenaline leaves his body and Steve is exhausted and feels crumpled and his stomach is still all twisted up. Eddie pulls a bottle of Coke for each of them out of his inner jacket pockets and opens them braced against the countertop with a crack of his palm, one at a time, and hands one to Steve. 

He should get stock in Coke or something, he is thinking loopily as he takes a drink, the sugar feeling sticky in his mouth. He uses it like medicine so often. His dad would call it a smart investment. 

'You okay?' Eddie is watching him with big concerned eyes over his own bottle. 

'I should be asking you that.'

'But I'm asking you. You seem a little peaked.'

'Adrenaline, man.'

'And probably PTSD.'

Steve just hums at him, takes another drink. Eddie swings his long legs back down and walks around the counter to the snacks, grabs a bag of potato chips and a couple of candy bars. He pops the chips open and brings them back around to share with Steve. 

'Thanks for sticking up for me, though. Less scary to face a horde with you on my side, you know. We could have taken them.' he makes a half-hearted fisticuffs gesture, and it makes Steve chuckle. 

'I think we could have. We have enough freak energy between the two of us that it would have given us an edge.'

'Amen to that. You're getting it now, Harrington, the appeal of the freak.' Eddie taps his bottle against Steve's, and Steve thinks he hasn't called him Harrington in what has to be months. He hums into his drink, tears open a candy bar. 

It takes him a long time to feel like his heart is consistently beating normally, between the phone call from his dad that he can’t quite shake and the guys outside and Keith yelling at him for marking more snacks as damaged in the inventory, but when he gets home Eddie has made them a sweet little snack plate for dinner, which is one of Steve’s favorite things because you can have two bites of like a million little cheeses and veggies, and it’s not so bad. 

The next day, though. The next day is hard. 

He's got the day off from Family Video, which usually means he'd find something to do to get out of being home alone. The thing is, there's a cold front, paired with a light rain, and it's so hard to motivate himself to get out of the house. 

The kids are all in school, and he only gets through to Robin for a few minutes on the phone between classes before she has to hang up, quicker than he'd have liked. It was good to hear her voice, but God does he miss her. 

He's feeling… itchy. Like his skin is freezer burnt and scratches against everything it touches, like his muscles are jumpy and his eyes are dried out. 

It used to be when he was feeling itchy, floaty and unmoored, he'd go on a date, go play basketball, maybe have a party and invite people over to play in the pool or dance smushed together, but it's never really been this bad. He thinks it's maybe because he hasn't done any of that for so long, and maybe because he hasn't seen Robin since school picked up, and maybe because he's been working full time and it's cold outside. It's probably a little bit of everything, but it's making him feel kind of bitchy and like he should lock himself in his room before Eddie gets home, not that that would help himself at all but maybe it would keep Eddie safely out of the blast range. 

He'd said he'd have dinner ready, though, and he's not going to skip out on that, so he's rushing through making it in hopes he can leave it warm on the stove and be 'asleep' by the time he gets back. 

Of course he's not lucky, he's never been lucky, really, and he’s trying to finish the pasta when he hears a pounding at the door. 

He figures Eddie left his keys or something and dries his hands on the towel on his shoulder, pulls open the door hard to get past the part where it’s been sticking since the weather turned cold, and already has a half-joke about the keys ready to leave his mouth when he realizes he’s not looking at Eddie.

‘Dad.’ A brilliant observation. 

‘So this is your new palace, Steven.’ he says with distaste clear in his voice. 

‘What are you doing here?’

‘Aren’t you going to invite me in?’ He only pauses for a few seconds before he pushes past him and into the apartment. Steve grinds his teeth and pushes the door closed, gives himself a second to shift tracks in his brain before he peels his forehead from the sticky paint of the door and spins around to greet him. 

When he turns, John Harrington is scowling at the giant popcorn standup. 

‘This is tacky.’ He mutters. He wipes a finger across the top of the tv and frowns at whatever he sees on his fingertip. 

Steve rolls his eyes and crosses his arms in front of his chest but he has this clench of fear behind his ribs and he hates it, hates that his dad still has this effect on him, but it’s there all the same. ‘What can I help you with.’ It doesn't come out like a question. Steve doesn't really want an answer, he just wants him to leave. 

‘What are you doing here?’ John is frowning directly at him, now, standing in the middle of the living room. Steve hates that he’s there, like he’s contaminating the space he’s finally built up around himself, like he’s ruining it somehow. 

‘Well, Pops, I live here.’

‘Pops.’ he scoffs and takes a step towards Steve. Steve doesn’t think he’s going to hit him, thinks he’s probably not drunk because he probably drove here from Loch Nora, but he’s got that shitty kind of anger burning up behind his eyes that makes Steve feel like he has to actively try not to flinch or step back. He tenses his fingers into his sweater instead, hidden under his arm, and hopes he looks unbothered, hopes his poker face holds for once. He doesn’t want an argument, he just wants to be left alone.

‘Where did you get my address?’

‘Nancy Wheeler’s kid brother Michael, you know he’s working at the burger joint in town, he’s shaping up to be quite the young man-’

Steve mostly keeps the scoff in but he’s a little hurt actually, not that he has ever told anyone he’s hiding from his family or anything, he’s not really. Mike.

John looks like he's gearing up to say something annoying and loud and probably hurtful when Steve hears keys in the lock. The door gets shoved through that part where it's been sticking, and Eddie is saying 'Honey, I'm home!'. He says it literally every day but Steve feels the blood flush out of his face and his skin grow cold and his eyes widen as he looks at his dad standing there, taking in the deep and kind of rumbly voice and, he's sure, Eddie's bright eyes and smile as he shrugs out of his jacket and comes fully into the living room. 

'Oh. Hello! Sorry, didn't realize we had company.' As loud and big as Eddie could be, he was usually pretty polite until you gave him a reason not to be, especially these days, but there wasn't going to be any saving face with John. 

'Who the hell are you?' 

Before Steve can say anything, Eddie steps forward to shake John's hand and say 'Eddie Munson, sir, at your service!' with a big smile. He looks back at Steve finally and he knows he can see that something foul is happening because Eddie visibly gulps and his smile falters as he takes a step back. 

'The murderer, Eddie Munson.' John is impossibly redder than he has been, maybe ever.

Steve catches Eddie's eye, sees how far his face and posture have fallen, and gestures at John. 'My uh, dad. John Harrington.'

'Oh-ho I see.' Eddie lets all of his breath out in a whoosh. 'Okay, Johnny Boy, not so much at your service actually, but if you'd like to leave I would be so happy to walk you out.' Steve snorts a chuckle at that and looks at Eddie, whose eyes look kind of fierce and pointed in a way that Steve doesn't usually see. It's like with a full change of demeanor he's become a completely different person, bigger and maybe even a little scary. 

John sputters in disbelief. Steve would bet actual real money no one has ever called him Johnny-Boy in his life. 'You can't make me leave. I'm here to talk to my son.'

'For once.' It comes from the side of Eddie's mouth, tilted cartoonishly in Steve's direction, but he knows John heard it.

Steve feels buoyed by the smartass responses from Eddie, who's now standing right at his side, shoulder pressing against his. 

'I beg your pardon.' John is flustered. 

'Oh he said "for once", like a reference to your whole absentee parent thing I think.'

John takes another step towards Steve, and he is close enough now that he thinks maybe he was wrong about not getting hit. He takes a huge breath that balloons out his chest and shoulders, but he doesn't get to say whatever it is he plans to before Eddie is interrupting. 

'Oh absolutely not, my guy. It's time that you leave.'

Eddie calling John 'my guy' is surreal. He must think so too, because he's sputtering angrily but not really saying much. 

'I'm not usually a cops kinda guy but I know a couple of ‘em who'd be happy to escort you off of private property that you don't own.' He steps behind John and bravely puts a hand on either shoulder. He's taller than John. 

'You're one to talk, you'll never own property in your life-' 

'And you're a complete jackass and a shit dad, we've all got our crosses to bear.' Eddie starts moving him delicately towards the door, and Steve wants to tell him to look out and that he can be like a wasp waiting to sting, but it must be just as shocking to John because he goes mostly without struggling. 

He's not going without talking, though, he's saying all of the things he knew about Steven, all kinds of slurs and points about how he and his little boyfriend were lower than low and not only going to hell but hopefully soon. 

When Eddie shuffles him through the doorway he says 'okay, sweetie, we will see you there, buh bye! No really, goodbye!' through the door as he closes it, flips the locks, and presses his back against it, John pounding and yelling at the door for a long few minutes. It's still less time than Steve would have imagined before he's stomping down the stairs and slamming the outside door open. When he hears the car start outside he can finally let his breath out again. 

Steve feels like he's going to throw up. 

But in all, it wasn't as bad as he'd built it up in his head. His dad was just some guy, it turns out, and something about facing monsters and death and loss the way he has the past few years has shrunken him into being Just Some Guy who sucks, absolutely, but is still Just Some Guy. 

He slides down the wall to sit on the floor, and Eddie goes to make sure the stove is off (drains the pasta too, it sounds like) before he comes and sits right next to him, their backs to the wall and arms pressed together. 

'So that sucked.' Eddie says to him, head rolled so he can look at him, probably reading his thoughts again. 

Steve chuckles. 'I was just thinking it went pretty well actually.' 

Eddie doesn't smile, is still looking at him. 'It's okay to say it sucked.'

'No it did, it totally sucked, but like. It's one of those things where in my head he was so scary and he's just.'

'Some asshole?'

'Some asshole. Like a bully. We deal with them enough, why would he be any different? You know?'

Eddie is quiet for a minute, thinking. 'It's different because that asshole was supposed to be your dad.' 

'Hmm.' Steve is feeling that old shame, the one that says 'it is because of you, your dad would be better if you were better'. 

'No, stop it. He was supposed to be your dad and he wasn't and that's on him. I know a little about that. My dad was an asshole too, remember, and it had nothing to do with me. If I said it did you'd be pissed.'

'I would.' 

Eddie grabs hold of Steve's hand. It's grounding and present and nice, soft and warm like home. 

'It helped that you were there. I've never seen him so out of his league.' Steve laughs, tilts his head back against the wall. 'He didn't know what to fucking do when you called him Johnny-Boy, the disrespect.'

'I told you, I don't have a lot of patience for asshole dads'. He grins at him and shakes his hand a little before letting go to stand. 'Let's get some food, okay? I bet something stupid is on TV.' He stretches his hand back out to help Steve stand. 

They sit and eat and laugh at some sitcom, and when they go to bed Steve doesn't have nightmares but he does have a dream that he and Eddie and Robin are sitting behind the counter at Family Video, and there are faces pressed all against the glass like a Romero film but it's Hagan and it's Carver and it's the new bullies and it's his dad. They can't get in though.

[septembersghost]

Can you please make a post on all songs related to the great war? Now, with midnights, this is me trying context becomes much more clear and it is directly after their fight. It goes really well with hits different. Would definitely like to know your thoughts.

jaime just made a list of great war adjacent songs, so i want to point you to that first, and because i'll automatically make some of the same choices! 💙

i'm glad you mentioned this is me trying, because her admission of, "my words shoot to kill when i'm mad, i have a lot of regrets about that" definitely feels linked.

the archer, as an entire piece, speaks a lot to that (combat, i'm ready for combat, i say i don't want that, but what if i do? 'cause cruelty wins in the movies, i've got a hundred thrown out speeches i almost said to you); false god (and you can't talk to me when i'm like this, daring you to leave me just so i can try and scare you); afterglow (i blew things out of proportion, now you're blue, put you in jail for something you didn't do, i pinned your hands behind your back, oh, thought i had reason to attack, but no...i'm sorry that i hurt you), daylight (my love was as cruel as the cities i lived in, everything looked worse in the light, there are so many lines that i've crossed unforgiven, i'll tell you the truth but never goodbye...i wounded the good and i trusted the wicked...maybe you ran with the wolves and refused to settle down, maybe i've stormed out of every single room in this town, threw out our cloaks and our daggers because it's morning now, it's brighter now).

all of peace thematically has aspects, but also it's like i'm wasting your honor -> looked up at me with honor and truth. his honor and honesty comes up a lot. hoax actually is much clearer to me now, even though it's about a combination of things, the feeling of the great war is an undercurrent in it. (my only one, my smoking gun, my eclipsed sun, this has broken me down, my twisted knife my sleepless night, my win-less fight, this has frozen my ground). in fact, i can't say if it's intentional or not, but hoax has a link to hits different as well - you knew the hero died, so what's the movie for? / this is why they shouldn't kill off the main guy

cowboy like me, with the twist that it's a happy ending (and the skeletons in both our closets plotted hard to fuck this up...now you hang from my lips like the gardens of babylon, with your boots beneath my bed, forever is the sweetest con -> i vowed i would always be yours 'cause we survived the great war).

renegade is a different moment, but i think some of the emotions resonate in both it and the great war.

and though the stories are separate times, i think the haunted, anxious feeling of labyrinth is related too, because it's got her insecurities and worry of falling apart, i thought the plane was going down, how'd you turn it back around? -> my hand was the one you reached for, all throughout the great war.

you drew up some good faith treaties, i drew curtains closed, drank my poison all alone, you said i have to trust more freely -> your stare and sense of belief in the good in the world, you once believed in me

i also really love that the great war is this intricate, cinematic metaphor with all the battle symbolism, the memory garden, the poppy in her hair, the solemn vows, and then she cuts right to the chase in hits different - you were the one that i loved, don't need another metaphor, it's simple enough - and she thinks all is lost, and then he just. comes home. key in the door, hand in her hand. everything they have, they fought for and kept.

starin' at the ceiling with you, you don't ever say too much, and you don't really read into my melancholia. / i find myself running home to your sweet nothings.

sometimes it's simple enough.

[zwiebelii]

This boy I swear to god

He breaks up with me in THE shittiest way possible for THE SHITTIEST REASON the whole world has ever seen. And from what I have heard from other people he DOES acknowledge that what he did was supreme shitty

But now he's acting like HE'S the victim bc i called him an asshole for, well, being an asshole

[sunball]

WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR PERSON'S LIFE RIGHT NOW + A MESSAGE FROM THEM

𖦹 this reading includes what is going on in your person’s life right now, what they (or their higher self) want to say to you at this moment and songs they'd like to give you. this reading is more about your future spouse or your future partner, someone who you may not be in contact with but you're curious about what they're doing.

𖦹 so there will be two paragraphs for each pile (what your person is doing and what they want to say to you). you can choose more than one pile. ex: pile 1 for what your person is doing and pile 2 for the message.

𖦹 how does this work? close your eyes and take deep breaths, pick the pile you are most drawn to. If you aren’t drawn to any pile then that’s okay, these messages aren’t for you.

𖦹 take what resonates.

THE PILES

PILE 01

now playing:

now playing:

pile 01's songs

THEIR LIFE

hello pile 01, welcome to your reading. I'm getting a lot of fire energy here, especially leo. I'm hearing Leo in 1st and 10th house, aries in 8th house, aries mars, mars in 10th house and also Venus in 2nd and 3rd house. I'm also getting gemini and capricorn. capricorn mars, aquarius venus. If these aren't your placements then they're most likely your person's placements. or perhaps, those are their transits. I feel a lot of confident energy from your person, I think they are at a good place right now. Your person has been betrayed and heartbroken quite recently but I feel like they're not trying to let that get to them. they're keeping their head high, focusing on their goals and working really hard. the pain motivated them to work hard, maybe as a way to get revenge? In their head, they may think that if they work hard, they can show off their success to the person that broke them like "hey, look at me now!". for some others, it's possible that they're working really hard because the work distracts them from the pain and the situation. they're acting like the pain isn't affecting them, I'm seeing them just laughing and hanging out with a group of people (their friends?) acting like theyre not dealing with any problems. your person is definitely at a period of time where work is only on their mind, they're hungry for success. success is the only thing your person is heading towards, it's the only direction they see. love isn't on your person's mind at all so I doubt that you've crossed their mind. but little do they know, the direction that they're heading towards will also lead them to you. your person may have travelled somewhere recently or maybe they're thinking of travelling somewhere else. there is change on the horizon for your person, maybe they will be promoted soon or moving countries, going to university, etc. they are so ambitious. I'm seeing piles of paper on desks, papers stuck on walls with dates and notes on them and also quotes. motivational quotes perhaps. your person is also working out, they could be getting up quite early. 6 am? I'm getting mad mars in 6th house vibes from your person. they're feeling burnt out, they have so much on their plate but they're not stopping anytime soon because they like it and also because they have no choice. they're also taking many responsibilities, I'm hearing house chores, work and looking after their parents or siblings. your person could be a student, a business person or they could work in an office. they're organizing their workspace and keeping track of their schedule, getting ready for the next chapter of their life. laziness is not in your person's vocabulary!

THEIR MESSAGE

you know, I am so busy right now. I'm too exhausted to even think about love, to think about you. I don't think about it anymore unlike before. I know at times you feel like we're nowhere close and you doubt my existence because of how distant I feel and I'm sorry. It is partially true, we're nowhere close to eachother and we're both individual human beings. let's live in the present and experience things and meet new people without having to think about eachother. I don't feel right about thinking of the future and just hoping for something to happen, hoping to just end up with someone like you. It doesn't feel right. I need to do something, I need to take action. that's exactly what I'm doing now. It gives me a sense of stability knowing that I'm taking action and there's a high possibility of my dreams coming true. I've promised myself that I won't stop working until I've achieved everything. I can't do all of this by myself, I need your help too. I'm asking you a favour, do your part. I'm doing mine. work hard and don't slack off. I'm sorry again for sounding cold, I'm not like this on a daily basis. I'm just really tired. I need to get my point across. don't slack off. please. I'll keep saying that. oh, that reminds me. at times I will definitely sound like a teacher or a boss, it's just a habit I got from work. It's not my intention to make you feel stupid, I know you're smart. I wanted you to know that because I don't want you to think I'm generally a cold person. I'm not. when tarot readers or psychics or astrologers or whoever says that I'm cold, they only mean when I'm at work or when I'm busy or serious. I would never be like that to someone I love, especially you. truthfully speaking, you don't know much about me at all especially if you think I'm a cold person. that thought you have of me stops now. I'm guessing that you're curious about me now. I like to look neat and clean, I don't like bright colours, they look unprofessional. I hang out with my friends sometimes and we just have lunch at a café or a local restaurant. I'm on my computer a lot so my back always hurts but I'm doing exercises to help me with it. I have too many cookbooks that I don't use because I don’t have much time, I end up freestyling my food and cooking up some eggs. I need to get better at managing time. I don't like people that don't practice what they preach, it irritates me. now for my appearance. this, in no way is useful information that will help us in any way but I suppose I'll just tell you. I have a sharp nose, it's pointy and a little wide. I don't have any piercings. I don't have bangs. as for my eyes, they're brown and deep-set. my lips? they're just lips. you'll love them anyway so it doesn't matter. my hair? neat and brown. you'll love it too. that's enough. you can stop trying to get to know me now, leave that for when we meet. you can know me more yourself when the time comes, I like the process of getting to know someone and the effort someone puts into getting to know me. until then, keep working hard.

PILE 02

now playing:

pile 02's songs

THEIR LIFE

I’m getting cancer energy from the pile, also pisces and gemini and libra. I’m hearing cancer/pisces/ libra venus, venus in 5th/7th/12th house, pisces moon, mercury in 7th house, cancer in 2nd house, gemini rising. if these aren’t your placements then they’re most likely your person’s, if not then these may be their transits. right now I feel like your person is trying something new, especially a hobby. I’m getting ‘painting’ for some of you. for others, your person has started something new like a project or they moved to a new house, something like that. there’s this feeling of ‘newness’ in your person’s life right now. they have so much passion for whatever this ‘newness’ is. they’re excited for this change, they can’t wait to move to the next stage. I’m feeling a positive energy coming from your person. their creativity is flowing through their blood, they feel inspired and joyous. some of you may not like to hear this but your person may have gotten in a relationship with someone or they want to get into a relationship with someone. they have a crush. I feel like there’s still an important choice to be made and your person has waited such a long time for the next stage, the relationship stage. I feel like their crush or their partner isn’t showing them that much attention, it feels quite one sided (your person giving more), they’re doing so much for their crush/partner but I feel like your person isn’t seeing it right, they’re just so blinded. like a little kid when they have a crush. If you don’t like what you’re hearing, don’t worry, they’re your person for a reason. anyways for others of you, I’m seeing your person listening to music while they’re doing their new hobby. painting is coming really strong, I’m seeing an easel. If it’s not a hobby then your person is feeling in love, whether it be a person or something else. their head is in the clouds, they’re listening to love songs, feeling so inspired by everything around them. love and venus themes is really important in your person’s life right now. If you’ve been listening to love songs recently or if you just feel all lovey-dovey, it’s most likely because of your person, you’re connected to your person. or if you feel inspired out of nowhere, it’s probably because of your person too. I just felt like I had to let you know that. sooner or later though, your person will realise that the relationship is one sided and they will give up on it. this will hit your person really hard, it will be a hard lesson for them. perhaps even the last lesson because I feel like your person has always done too much for people that don’t deserve their love. your person has experienced a lot and learnt many lessons except for this, when they learn this though, they will have learnt all the lessons. they can tick this off their box. I’m getting such wise Pisces vibes from them. for lots of you, your person is already in the 'realisation' stage and there's about to be a change in their life.

THEIR MESSAGE

It’s been challenging these days, maybe even these past few weeks and maybe even months too. It’s fine though, I can get through it. you don’t have to worry about me. I have a gut feeling that something is going to happen soon, disappointments? I’m not surprised, I’ve been so stuck in my own head. I don’t know why I keep giving people more. so stupid of me. maybe it’s not my fault? maybe it’s their fault for giving less, who knows. I don’t know how to stop. why do I do this? I keep getting disappointed over and over again, I’m starting to not have hope anymore. despite this, I still think love is beautiful. with the right person. love is not only limited to romantic love though, which is what I’ve learnt recently. I’ve been so fixated on romantic relationships that I’ve forgotten about the beautiful things around me. surprisingly, there’s love everywhere. do you know what I love? I love the stars, I love flat white coffee, I love the smell of fresh grass, I love nature and the sun, I love dogs (especially small dogs) and I love experiences. experiences that shape me into a better person, painful or not, I love those. not to sound masochistic – but I love pain. I learn from pain. love has always been painful for me but I’m still giving people my all, wrong people to be precise. Is that why I keep falling for people that don’t care about me? because I love getting hurt? now that I’ve thought of it, it sounds terrible. I need to fix that. I feel embarrassed now that you know this, please don’t shake your head. I will fix it. I want this cycle to end. don’t be worried about me. you should continue living your life, there’s yet so much you can experience. places to go, new people to meet, new activities to do. so much. I’d love to experience so many things with you. do you like road trips? I’d love to go on a picnic date too, does stargazing sound good? we could travel around the world, that’s on my bucket list. so many ideas but there’s still so much distance and time between us. I feel excited thinking about it, I want to do so much right now and experience so many things. by the time we meet, I might already have a long white beard because I’ll be so wise *laughs*. who knows, white hair does look awesome. I think it might suit me actually. on a serious note, I want you to know that you should not be afraid to try new things. don't be afraid of change. regret is scarier than change, staying in the same place and not growing is scarier than change. you may lose something good but what if you gain something even better? I’ll be there for you every step of the way, I’m always there for you even though I’m not there with you physically. do you feel me? I’m so proud of you. If you see an opportunity, take it or you’ll regret it later. don’t be afraid of saying no or saying yes, you deserve to be heard, assert your dominance *laughs*. I love you, take care of yourself. you can do it. [:

PILE 03

now playing:

pile 03's songs

THEIR LIFE

I'm getting mutable and fixed energy here, especially scorpio, virgo, leo, sagittarius. maybe scorpio rising and sagittarius rising with pluto in 1st house. I'm hearing saturn in 8th house, saturn in 22°, scorpio sun or moon aspecting saturn, pluto and sun or moon sitting in the same house. if these aren't your placements then they're most likely your person's. these could be their transits too. your person is going through a transformation, something had recently happened in their life that has caused this transformation. I'm thinking it's death, a death of a loved one like a family member, a friend or a pet. someone close to them. If it's not a death of a loved one then it's a death of a cycle, a death of a job, a relationship, something like that. something that came to an end. it's affecting your person badly and they feel so much guilt. they're missing and mourning over whatever this is. they're pessimistic, they feel like the whole world is against them and that their would turned upside down. they have no hope anymore, they're not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm seeing that image of Yuu Otasaka from the anime Charlotte. I think your person is exactly like that right now. depressed. I see tissues, dark rooms and hoodies and blankets. also gaming for a number of you (interesting how the picture you chose is a picture of keys). they're going through it right now and they need support. your person is not communicating with many people or interacting with anyone at all, they're pushing people away. looking at the picture of the pile you chose, I realised it says "wish you were here". now this could mean that they wish that the person they lost were still with them or they wish that someone could come and support them or comfort them, or for a few amount of you, this could be meaning you. they wish you were there with them. however, I don't think love is a thought that comes in their mind in this period of time. it's more like, they're screaming into a void wishing someone could hear them, not directly meaning you. for others of you, I'm getting a different situation. your person may have gotten fired or they tried something but it didn't work out and they had so much hope for it. they badly wanted it to work out and now your person is feeling disappointed in themselves, like someone just ripped away something really valuable to them. your person doesn't know that the reason this, whatever this is, didn't work out is because it wasn't meant to. It's not part of their divine plan. It honestly saved your person from future problems but they don't know that. It's a blessing in disguise. I'm strongly feeling it's something related to their job or maybe love, 'right place, wrong time' is what I'm hearing. your person is blaming themselves for it all, thinking it was because of time, lack of planning or they didn't try hard enough. It isn't true, they should be easy on themselves.

THEIR MESSAGE

I don't know what to say. I don't feel like saying much. why do you want to know anyway? do you care? am I interesting? I'm not all that special, you know. here I go again, making sh*t sad. I'll try and make this light-hearted as possible because you shouldn't see this side of me, not so soon. not like this. *silence* I'll start off by saying that you can't control whatever life throws at you. but you can control your reactions and how you deal with it. I'm not doing very well, not dealing with it the way I usually do. It hit me hard and I don't like being sad like this and not doing anything, not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to talk to anyone, not finding joy in the things I love doing. I hate this f*cking feeling and the way I'm dealing with it. I heard that you should let yourself feel everything once in a while. I'm f*cking feeling everything alright. why did I not let myself feel before? now it's all consuming me. all of my problems and emotions, this darkness inside of me, erupting. I regret this. I regret acting like I was fine before, finding distractions. now I know that being distracted doesn't necessarily mean that it's gone, the problem is still there. don't do what I did. let yourself feel. or it will all build up and eat you alive. you don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want you to be sad, god no. definitely not like this. but if being sad will help you then that's certainly fine by me, just don't act like you're fine. that will hurt me much more. just do what I say. showing emotions is not a sign of weakness. look at me, I'm so f*cked up because of not thinking that. this feeling will go away, right? right. If you need to let it all out, do it. I can feel your sadness, the nights you cried, I felt them. those tears of yours, I want to wipe them away but I'm not there. it sucks. I need you here. I need a good f*cking hug right now. I want you to be happy but I don't know how. I'd do anything to see that smile of yours. that precious smile that I have yet to see. I know it's precious. listen to me. I need you. I need you to stay strong. you're so strong and much more emotionally intelligent than I am. I am so in awe. your strength gives me energy, you give me energy. you're the light of my life. I hope our kids will be as beautiful and as amazing as you. I'm glad I was given the chance to talk to you like this. I love you, sunshine.

[holdingforgeneralhugs]

Bitter Pill to Swallow

Chapter 3 (Ch.2, Ch.1)

Thank you again to the lovely @tvserie-s-world for letting me use her screencaps💕

"Curahee!"

Valarie grinned as she cheered along with her fellow paratroopers. Liebgott managed to slosh some of his drink onto her boots but she couldn't bring herself to get mad about it. After the thrill of completing the five qualifying jumps and managing not to vomit during any of them, Valerie and the rest of Easy felt like they were on top of the world.

She spotted Gene getting a drink at the bar and wandered over to him. He jumped when she clapped him on the shoulder, whacking her in the arm good naturedly for frightening him. Valerie grinned before turning to George who had just popped up with a drink for Gene.

"Hey Georgie, you got another one of those beers under there for me?" She asked.

"That depends," George responded cheekily, "you gonna tell me the magic word of the night?"

"The magic word of the night," Valerie teased, "is kiss my ass and gimme a beer Luz."

George smirked and reached under the counter, pulling out a full glass and planting it firmly on the counter in front of her. He got a mischievous twinkle in his eye then and reached under to grab a glass for himself.

"Now in response to your cheek," stated Luz, in a scarily accurate impersonation of Sink, "I'll have to challenge you to a contest. Whoever downs their drink the quickest gets a full pack of lucky strikes."

"Well how could I back down from a challenge like that," smirked Valerie. "You wanna get in on the fun Gene?" She asked, laughing when Gene vehemently shook his head.

"Oh no, I'm quite happy to drink my beer and watch you two act the fool," he retorted, sipping his drink and leaning against the counter. George and Valerie shared a look, and with a nod they raced to down their drinks. Clearly they'd drawn a crowd, because she could hear the guys shouting out a countdown around her. With a gasp she slammed her glass on the counter, and cried out in dismay when she realised George had just beat her.

"C'mon Val, hand em over," he teased, holding out his hand and fluttering his fingers. She grumbled something about him obviously cheating before pressing her precious box of lucky strikes into his palm. He opened them gleefully and plucked one out for himself before holding out the box to her.

"Aw c'mon Val, you didn't think I'd take em and not offer you one as a peace offering did ya?"

She rolled her eyes but took one gratefully, nodding her thanks to him when he lit it for her. He placed another drink on the counter for her and she took a sip, content to enjoy this glass.

Toye and the mortar gang had decided to stick around at the bar, and she laughed with them as they challenged each other to drinking games. She almost choked on her drink when Skip spilled beer all down his shirt in his eagerness to beat Penk, who was surprisingly good at downing drinks.

"Hate to interrupt your fun fellas, but I was wondering if I could have a word with Lieutenant Landry."

She went stiff in her seat, cigarette in hand suspended right in front of her lips. She glanced to her right and met Gene's eyes, and he was giving her a very pointed look. She glared back at him before turning around and facing her fellow Lieutenant. He gestured towards a quieter corner and she nodded, following him without a word. She smoked her cigarette harshly, wondering what he could possibly want with her tonight of all nights.

"So," he started cautiously, "The batallion officers are drinking in another room to let the enlisted men enjoy themselves here. Nix, Welsh and I were wondering if you'd like to join us?"

She stared back at him sceptically. Outside of the necessary consultations on exercises they hadn't spoken since their argument, and she wasn't quite sure what to say now that he was.

He could sense her hesitation and sighed softly. "Look Landry, I know we haven't exactly gotten off on the right foot but we're celebrating tonight, so how about we put all that aside and enjoy a well deserved night off?"

She contemplated that for a moment, but she agreed that a night off was well deserved, and the men would probably have more fun without any officers breathing down their necks.

"Alright then," she sighed, "lead the way."

He seemed almost surprised that she'd agreed so easily, but he recovered quickly and led her out of the room and down the hall to a smaller room.

"Hell Landry, what a delightful surprise," grinned Lewis when he spotted her walking in behind his friend. He was standing behind the bar and pouring a very generous helping of VAT 69 for himself.

"Don't get used to it Nixon," she shot back.

"Oh don't worry," he replied nonchalantly as she took a seat at the bar, "we're all very aware that you prefer the enlisted men to us 'stuffy' officers."

Ah, so he'd overheard her talking to Bill that day he'd asked her why she was hardly ever with the other officers. "Yeah well, ain't my fault you all wouldn't know fun if it slapped ya," she retorted. Lewis and Harry exchanged a glanced and then burst out laughing.

"You know what Landry," Lewis chuckled, "you're not half bad. What's your poison then? Or are you on the soda water with Dick here?"

"Why am I not surprised Saint Winters doesn't drink?" She snarked, rolling her eyes, "I'll have some of that VAT 69 if you please."

He looked sideways to Dick at her comment, and if he didn't know him so well he would have missed the slight tick in his jaw. Lewis decided to note that down to ask him about it later.  He poured Valerie a generous glass, and whistled in surprise when she downed it in one and put the glass back down in front of him expectantly.

"Hell Nix," chuckled Harry, "I think you may have met your match on the drinking front." Lewis smirked as he poured her another and topped up his own glass. He picked up his and tilted it towards her expectantly.

"I think Harry here may be on to something there," he grinned, "what d'ya say Landry, why don't we start anew and be drinking buddies?"

Valerie sized him up for a moment, contemplating. She'd tended to avoid spending much time with her fellow Easy officers, preferring the company of the enlisted men. She still maintained they were stuffy as hell, but maybe they weren't all bad. Sure, Nixon was another rich jerk from another posh college, but he did seem like the kind of guy who knew how to have a good time. As for Welsh, he was a late addition to the crew and she hadn't exactly taken too much troubles to talk to him. Maybe if she gave them a chance she might grow to like them.

"Hell Landry, you sure know how to keep a guy hanging," quipped Lewis, shaking his glass in front of hers. She rolled her eyes at his impatience but smiled slightly as she clinked her glass against his and they downed their drinks in unison.

"Well I wouldn't want to seem too eager, now would I?" She smirked, sliding her glass across the counter for another. He raised an eyebrow at her sceptically and she narrowed her eyes at him as if to say 'are you doubting I can handle it?' He poured again and watched with fascination as she downed it.

"Jesus Landry you really are somethin' else aren't you?" He laughed.

"I'm here all week folks," she grinned, spreading her arms and doing a mock bow, with Harry and Lewis joining in with a round of applause. It was fun, they were fun, and she thought that maybe, just maybe giving them a chance wouldn't be so bad after all.

She felt a pair of eyes on her and when she looked beyond Harry she was unsurprised to find two blue eyes watching her intently.

"Something you'd like to say Winters?" She asked, narrowing her eyes at him. He sat up a little straighter then and cleared his throat, clearly not expecting she'd pay him any mind.

"Well, I...was just thinking to myself that I'd never met a lady that could drink like that," he replied honestly. Valerie rolled her eyes and crossed her arms.

"Well then it's lucky I ain't no lady, as I've already told you," she replied dismissively, "and there's a whole lotta things you don't know about me."

"Well it'd be hard to know anything about you since you hardly ever talk to us."

Lewis eyed his friend in surprise, and he shared a look with an equally shocked Harry. He subtly poured himself and Harry another drink and sat back to see how it would all play out.

"Well maybe I would talk to you more if you weren't so godamn stiff. You got the rule book stuck up your ass or something?" Valerie snapped. Dick gazed back at her, his jaw clenching and his eyebrows furrowed.

"And maybe if you weren't so argumentative, or didn't act like you were so much better than us, you wouldn't be such a chore to be around."

His eyes widened the minute he realised what he'd said, and she could see that he was about to try and apologise for it, not that she would give him the chance. He'd meant every word of what he said, and they all knew it.

"Well I'll be sure not to impose on your time any longer," she hissed, pushing her glass across the counter and standing abruptly. "Lewis, Harry, it's been fun. We should do it again sometime."

Without waiting for a response she marched from the room.  Lewis and Harry watched her walk out the door before turning to Dick with barely smothered smirks.

"Wow Dick," Lewis said, "I've never seen you get so animated. What's going on with there?"

"Yeah," chimed Harry, "I didn't think anyone could get under your skin."

Dick finished off his own drink and placed the glass on the counter, unwilling to meet their eyes. "There's nothing going on," he stated as he pulled on his coat, "Now if you don't mind I'm gonna hit the hay. I'll see you two in the morning."

"Aw c'mon Dick don't be like that," pleaded Lewis, "there's clearly something going on."

Dick shook his head and bid them both goodnight as he walked out the door.

"I'll get it out of him yet, don't you worry," promised Lewis, pouring himself and Harry another drink. There was clearly something with those two and he'd be dammed if he was left out of the loop.

Taglist: @tvserie-s-world @generousdreamlanddestiny @sunsetmando @geniedocroe

[jaycewrites-192000]

Growl: Chapter 4

Warnings: None.

Tags: @theravencawsatmidnight @etroman

As you were walking to school, you decided to mentally make a list of things to remember to do during the practice match. It was a bit overwhelming, even though you weren't the one in the game, you were still going to be surrounded by lots of new people. You sighed and clutched onto your bag tightly. "Calm down. Talking to people isn't that bad..." You lie to yourself. Talking to people was the worst, especially when you preferred to just keep to your own little circle. But you didn't really have a choice now, you were a team manager. Talking to people was part of your job now. As you approached the gate of the school, a certain someone caught your eye. "Oh really?" You mutter. It was Mad Dog. Great. Now you have to deal with awkwardness on top of anxiety.

"H-hey." You greet him. He only glances at you briefly before continuing to walk. Since you were both heading in the same direction, you decided to walk beside him. Not too close though, you didn't want to make this weirder than it already was. "I'm uh, sorry for walking in on you last night. I thought you and the others were gone already."

Mad dog shrugs it off, as if it didn't phase him. "You...you don't talk a lot do you?" You question. He of course didn't respond to this. Walking in awkward silence was killing you. Glancing at him, you noticed something hanging from his bag. It was a dog key chain. "You like dogs?" He nods. "Me too." You smile slightly. "I think my favorite kind of dog has to be (dog type). I just love them." Mad dog nods again.

"They're cool." He finally says. His voice shocked you, it was deeper than you thought it would be. "Y-yeah." Again, you both walked in silence until you were inside the school. You waved him off as you both parted ways to your respective class rooms.

"Hey L/n-Chan!" Oikawa greets. "How can you be so energetic in the morning?" You mutter while taking your seat. "Well we have a big day ahead of us! Haruki's volleyball team is paying us a little visit." You leaned on your hand and stared out the window. "Haruki huh? Never heard of that school." Oikawa shook his head with a sigh. "Would it kill you to do your research? You'll be meeting them as well as us." He was right, you would have to get to know the other team, especially their manager. They would know best about what they're doing, and they could possibly help you. "I guess so." You say with a shrug. "You can be so impossible sometimes L/n-Chan!" Oikawa whines. "Just like Iwa-Chan"

"What was that?" Iwaizumi growls.

Before Oikawa could make a good argument for himself, the teacher walked in and began class. The entire time all you could think about was how the practice match would go. And maybe every now and then, Mad Dog would pop into your mind. When he wasn't glaring daggers into you, he was pretty decent. 'I guess if I want to be friends with him I should start using his real name.' You think. What was it again? Kyotani Kentaro? Pretty cool name. And at least you two had one thing in common, that you could both appreciate how wonderful and good dogs were. He had to have had a pet dog of his own. You wondered what breed it was. Maybe one that matched him perfectly. Like a Pit Bull or a German Shepard.

Great, now you had no idea what was happening in class. Not that you really cared, it was just some stupid math thing. You could always just team up with Oikawa and beg Iwaizumi to help you study if a test was coming up. You had a feeling that he would be more helpful towards you though.

After class was over, you, Oikawa, and Iwaizumi made your way to the gym.

Your P.O.V

As always the gym was spotless and as fancy as always. At least we didn't have to worry about cleaning it. Now all that was left was getting the net set up and the volleyballs ready. "I'll go and get the uniforms before the others show up." I say as you walked to the storage rooms. "Alright. Me and Lazykawa will set up the net while you do that." Iwaizumi said as he dragged Oikawa along. I entered the storage room and folded each uniform. Finally came across number 16. Kyotani's number. Like a creep, I stared at it for a bit longer than I thought I would. I felt a tinge of heat rise to my cheeks, the memory of seeing Kyotani shirtless entered my mind. Quickly I folded it and carried it out with the others. Just as I left, the other team mates entered the gym. Just in time. "Hey guys." I greet them as I hand out their uniforms. I'm surprised that I managed to remember everyone's numbers so quickly. Once I got to Kyotani my hands started to tremble. I swallow down my nerves and hand him his uniform. His hands brushed against my own as he took it. "Thanks." He muttered before slinging his uniform over his shoulder and walking to the changing rooms with the others.

"L/n-Chan's face is red!" Oikawa teases. "Shut it Shittykawa!" I snap at him.

Soon the volleyball team of Haruki High arrived. Their light green track suits they wore matched the green and white volleyball uniforms their wore underneath. The words, "Haruki", were written on the back of their suits. "Thank you for having us!" The team bows their head before entering. Oikawa was the first to speak to the team. "Welcome to Aoba Johsei. Let's have a good match." He held out his hand for the Haruki captain. He smiles warmly and meets Oikawa's hand with his own. 'Since when does Oikawa act friendly with any other team? Cheap trick Shittykawa.' I think with a slight scowl. And with that, the two teams began the match.

While the match went on, my attention slowly slipped from what was going on, to the other team's manager. She was fairly tall with short light brown hair and teal eyes. She held a clipboard in her hand, writing down something every now and then. Maybe she was writing down our team's moves or keeping track of their team's mistakes. Should I be doing that too? I turn my attention back to the match. Our team seemed to be winning at the moment. And as always, Kyotani was aggressive. He nearly landed a shot right into the other player's face. It could have broken his nose. "Yikes." I mutter.

The match was over as soon as it started, our team won, as expected I assumed. Words were being exchanged between teams, congratulations, tips, and just casual conversation. So I took this opportunity to talk to Haruki's manager. "Hello there." I wave. "Hello." She smiles softly. "This team sure is seething. We'll have to work harder if we want to keep up. My name is Shinozaki Camie."

"I'm L/n Y/n. Nice to meet you." I smile. "I was wondering if I could ask for some advice." Camie nods and placed her hands on her hips. "Sure thing. Fire away."

"Ok, well I'm kinda new at this whole manager thing. And I don't really know what I'm doing, but I watching you during the match and you seemed so focus on both teams at once. What were you writing anyway?" I asked. "Oh just your team's moves. I'm curious to know what would happen if my team could learn them. Maybe we can get half as good as these guys. Why do you ask?"

"Should I be doing something like that? I'm not to experienced at volleyball nor was I too fond of it before but, since I'm here I do want to try my best." I tell her honestly. Camie pats my back. "Well! You're already half way there. Just you wanting to try harder is already telling on how good of a manager you'll be. But yeah, you can try what I did. And remember, communication is key. Ask around with your teammates. Maybe they can help you more than you think." She had a point, even after becoming manager I didn't really speak with the team as much as I should have been. "Thank you Shinozaki-San. I'll do my best." Camie gave me a thumbs up before waving goodbye. She returned to her team who thanked Seijoh before leaving. I walk back to the team and hurried to hand out water. "Uh, good work you guys. You really uh...showed them?"

"Aw look at who's actually talking to the team! You're a little awkward but still-" Iwaizumi elbows him in the side. "Thank you L/n." I nod and hand out towels as well. "I'm going to start trying harder. I know how much volleyball means to you guys, though I don't really get it. So I'm going to try to be the best manager I can be for you all." I say determined. "L-L/n-Chan!" Oikawa says, still in pain from Iawazimi's hit. The rest of the team were very appreciative of my words, it was little weird but I had to get rid of that feeling. I meant what I said, I'm going to do my best, I want to make them proud.

I'm going to be the best manger Seijoh has ever had!

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[everyhowlmarksthedead]

CHOOSE

Alexander “Tig” Trager x Reader

Word Count: 2k

Thanks to my lovely beta reader @chibsytelford 💘

Author comments: First part of Choose. I hope you all enjoy. Gif isn't mine, credits to the author.

Tag list: @starrynite7114 ​ @chibsytelford ​ @dazzledamazon ​ @mara-mpou ​ @sammskellington ​ @gemini0410 ​ @1-800-imagines ​ @briana-mishell24 ​@sassymox @whyisgmora @aquamento @sadeyesgf @viviansafizada @samcrobae @jade770 @witchy-wish @rebel-without-cause-x ✨ (if you wanna be tagged, send me a message!)

“So, what about (Y/N) and you?” Bobby asks sipping from his beer.

“What about what?”

“Ar'ya alrede' ‘official’”? Chibs adds while Jax, Juice and Happy leans above the table with a naughty smile drawn on their lips, palming the picnic table and making some noise.

“She's just a groupie, man”.

You can't hear Tig chuckling, because of the sound your heart does by breaking itself is louder.

“A groupie?” Jax's voice sounds confused, raising a blonde eyebrow as the palms stops.

“Yeah, you know. She's not one of those bitches that come here to eat us. But she's not my girl either. We just have fun”.

“You just have fun?” Juice asks incredulous, shaking his head just for a moment.

“Yeah, man! I must say I have eaten a lot of pussies, but, shit! Hers is a fucking delight. And she doesn' have any contagious disease, that's an important plus too”.

“If she was my mom, I would pull out your eyes”. The scratchy voice of Happy appears from nowhere, somewhat disappointed. “And I would eat them”.

“What the fuck?”

“Brother, that girl really lose her shit for you”. Bobby says, because it's something pretty obvious. “And you can say whatever you wan', but you're strained to the bone for that sassy girl”.

Tig's laughs flood the main yard, before drinking his beer.

“Man, you call her when we're ridin'. And her house it's the first stop when you come back”. Juice assures placing his forearms over the table.

“Yea', and you also have clothes in her house, and she in yours”. Jax hit the wood with his knuckles, watching the look on his face trying to hide how right they are.

“Oh! And remember that time (Y/N) told us that Tig brought breakfast at bed”. Ratboy palms Happy chest breaking into laughter, joying the talk, sitting by his side.

“We didn't even know you cook, brother”.

“C'mon, shut up!”

“And tha time ya brought ha' flowers”. Chibs points at Tig with pursed lips joking on him.

“Yeah, that was pretty romantic”. Jax continues with the jokes, making him feel angrier.

“I said she's just a fuckin' groupie. We fuck when I want. That's all”. Trager finishes the conversation, upset of their brothers teasing him about you.

Sitting on the sofa under the closest open window to them, you rest an empty beer on your lap. With your eyes on it and an incessant pain growing in your chest, lash after lash, you don't even know who the fuck are you. Then, the last year has been a lie. All those times he said he loved you, they were a lie. All those times he said he missed you, they were a lie. All those times he said you he didn't want a life without you, they were a lie. Like many others. Yes, he never asked you to be his girlfriend, but you didn't know he had to do it to make it ‘official’. You thought it was implicit in the fact that you really look like a couple. Not like Tara and Jax, but somewhat like. And it's confusing look back and seeing all the shit he did for you and all the shit you did for him, only to hear that your a clean pussy to put his cock in whenever he needs it. No feelings. No compromise. No nothing. Just sex.

You take off the black high-heels, holding them by the strips, leaving away the beer. Getting up and putting on well the dress you bought for him, feeling stupid on one of these garments, you walk barefoot towards the exit door at the end of the hallway' dorms. Your car is parked there. Safe from the Sons' of other subsidiaries and their non expected fights just for fun. The only thing you want to do is drive your way back home and hide in your bed of the shame you're feeling, after listening him talking like that about you with his friends.

“Brother, listen”. Jax sits on the nearest stool at the bar. “I lost Tara for fourteen years, don' commit my mistake”.

Tig has another shot, ripping his throat as he cleans his mouth with the back of the left hand.

“I was fuckin' scared of seeing that I was in love with her. We do all this shit that has our families in a continuous danger, but I don' regret about what I feel for my wife”. He defends the point of view he's trying to make him understand. “She's a good girl and you look focused since you met. Think about it”.

The other man doesn't say anything with the blue eyes placed on some bottles in front of him.

“You ok?” Tara's voice pushes you to reality.

You shake your head somewhat confused, raising your gaze towards her.

“I've been standing there for the last five minutes, without you noticing it”. She chuckles, closing the door behind her back to have a sit at the desk, having a quick look of the medical records on it. “Too much work?”

“I wish… It's been a quiet day and I need to distract myself”.

“It's everything okay? Didn' Tig like the dress?”

By the look on your face, putting away your eyes, Tara knows something isn't going well. You leave a heavy sigh, closing your eyes just to contain a wild tear.

“I'm just a… pussy for him”.

“What the hell…? Don't tell that, (Y/N). Maybe he's not the most romantic man on earth, but he loves you”.

“Yes, that what I thought”. Laughing somewhat bittersweet, you put your arms above the table. “Last night I heard him talking with the guys. Telling them I'm just a groupie to fuck when he needs it”.

The woman snorts resting her back on the chair, rubbing her eyes with both hands.

“The only difference between those... bitches he used to fuck and me, it's that I don't have HIV”.

“Maybe he was dru—”.

“I never heard Jax talk about you, as Tig talked about me, when he's drunk”. You reiterate shrugging your shoulders. “He just… told me all that bullshit about love and a family and a future to suck his cock. And I was so fuckin' stupid that I believed him…”

“I'm sorry, sweetheart”.

“Yeah, I'm too”. You answer getting up and taking off the medical gown to hang it on the coat rack. “I'm done with my meetings. Could you tell Marcia I wasn't feeling okay and I went home?���

“Yes, sure. Don't worry about it”.

All his stuff is already on a plastic bag. His clothes, his motorbike' things for when he travels… Everything. It was painful collect them all, with his smell flooding your room while you were keeping them. Placing it over the table in the kitchen, you sit there just waiting for him to come. You didn't call him, but even if he lied to you, you know something about him. So, when he didn't find you last night, he probably went first to the hospital by morning. And proving that you're right, the roar of his engine comes closer as he reaches your house. Crossing the back door in front of you, he takes off the helmet putting inside it the leather gloves and the sunglasses.

“Your boss told me you weren' feeling ok, what's up?” He asks truly worried, or at least seems like. Leaning forward he tries to kiss you, but you pull away your face without any words.

Now he's confused as fuck, getting up finding the bag on the table. Opening it with his forefinger to have a quick look twisting the neck just for a second, the blue eyes go straight you.

“What's that?”

“Your things. I want you to leave”.

“The fuck is wrong with you?” He demands making some gesture with both hands, as you get up of the chair.

“I'm not the one who lied every time I said ‘I love you’!” You push him away when he tries to take a step next to you, with all the pain concentrated on it.

“The fuck does it means? I didn' fuckin' lie to you”.

“Yeah, that's what you tell me in the meantime you tell your friends I'm just a clean pussy!”

“Who told you about that…?” He snorts cross-armed, supporting his waist against the counter.

“Nobody! I fuckin' hear you, Trager!” You scream totally mad, throwing him the plastic bag. “I just… fuckin' thought that someday you really would want to have a family... Shit, I'm so fucking stupid I feel so sorry for myself…”

“Sunshine, list—”.

“Go fuck yourself!” You push him away again, as he tries to grab your wrists, stirring under his grip. “You're a fucking dickhead!”

“Calm fuckin' down and listen!” He shouts at you for first time since you know him. Your heart stop, as your body does. Not because you're afraid, but because it's enough for you.

“I don' wanna see you anymore… Leave me alone”. You almost beg to him, shutting up some sobs stuck in your throat and your gaze away from the man.

He just nods in silence knowing that you are not going to come to your senses right now. So he grabs his things with anger, before throwing your house's keys on the table. Only when he disappear from the kitchen is when you break in tears. You had too much contained in your heart and you can't help but cry louder than never. Sometimes you have had fantasies about living together, having some free days and getting lost on the road, with nobody close to bother you. Sometimes you also have had fantasize of a kid running through your house calling him “daddy”. But it was just that. A year full of lies and a bunch of fantasies.

“What's that?” Bobby asks behinds the bar lifting up an eyebrow.

Tig throws the bag to the nearest wall, furious with himself and the way he has fucked up. His heart is beating fast, having a sit on a stool and grabbing a bottle of whisky to drink from it. There's no music in the clubhouse, just silence, so his guilty becomes louder of what he said. All those words dancing around him once and again.

“Clothes?” Juice asks taking the bag to open it confused.

“(Y/N) heard me last night”. He answers with his eyes getting reddened, trying to hold in the tears.

“I would have rip off your chest with a knife wetted on vinegar and salt”. Happy says without losing sight of the tip of the pool stick. After hit the white one, he raises his eyes towards him. “Later I would have pissed on you. Be thankful she kept your things in a bag”.

Jax looks at the ex-nomad not knowing why he's surprised about his threats. Walking close to Tig, with both hands inside the pockets, he supports a forearm against the bar.

“Now, what?” The president asks, lifting his chin in a simple gesture.

“Now nothing. I already lost her for being a fuckin' asshole. That's all”.

“Yeah, brotha, ya said fuckin' mean thengs bout ha'”. Chibs palms his back a little bit harder, making him spit the whisky in his mouth.

“Even if we were jokin'... Fuck man…” Jax shakes his head sighing, having a quick look of the Sons' faces. “Wan'me to talk with her?”

“No. I will… try to fix it”. He coughs by clearing his throat after the hit, having another sip.

“One year enduring your bullshit…” Bobby clicks his tongue, leaning above the bar. “I thinks it's fuckin' obvious what you should do, Tiggy”.

“Yes”. Juice, Chibs and Jax said in unison.

“That's the only way to fix it. And if you don' think so, then leave her alone”. In moments like that, Tig sees how much Jax looks like his father, with all those advices and wise words. “She's not a warm pussy, she's a woman who didn' care you're mentally fucked and who didn' care about what you do with the club”.

“I know…”

“Then, choose”. Palming the wooden bar, Jax finishes the conversation as if it was a table-business to Samcro.

[g-lbertblythe]

Television Heaven // Rafe Cameron

Summary: As the each day passes, you fall for Rafe Cameron solemnly and irretrievably.

A/N: This song made me think of Rafe. Actually, I was thinking of Rafe then I started to listen to this one. Anyway, I was planning on something different but it got out of control. So it has really nothing to do with the song. Hope you enjoy anyway.

It might contain grammar and spelling mistakes cuz it's not my native language.

Every move you made, you made after long considerations, with caution. You questioned every little detail, calculating every probable outcome so strictly, sometimes you end up missing the chance to carry it into action. Just because you didn't want to find yourself in a situation that would make you embarrass and hurt yourself or just would make you feel something, you always choose the right and short way to do things. The logical one but the one no flowers grow. You held yourself back when you encountered with something so beautiful that may change your life, you just refused it, ignored it because you wouldn't know what to do with it. You ran away from anything in sight that may make you an idiot for doing it or make you weak, helpless; therefore you stayed away from anything unsolvable, complicated even. You didn't know everytime you ran away, you come closer the edge of falling apart. You've lived your life so guardedly, you've actually never lived. You come to understand that you never made any effect on your life, never pushed the buttons of the controlling panel of your life although you always tried to keep everything on your control. You didn't make things happened, things only happened to you. The day you became aware of this ugly truth, you also discovered a hole inside you. A hole which you use to suffocate any heavy, intense sensation you might feel. Now, it was the one taking control of you.

Lately, everyone around you was able to notice that something's wrong with you. Changed, you looked like you were fading away. You were disappearing more and more, the each day you realize the things you didn't do or things you wanted to say but never said. Because any time you don't say what you wanna say, you die a little. And you died very. Reminiscing the moments you stole from yourself pushed you an edge and you were standing the very edge, unsteady. One day you lose your balance, you start falling and you've been falling since.

The strong liquor on your lips never dried, you kept sipping one after another. You were never drunk on life before, you might actually get drunk at least. You were tired of filling your glass constantly, you left the glass on Camerons' table and head for the bottle.

"Are you okay?" Kiara asks hesitantly. She noticed something was off recently but she didn't think it will last this long. Normally nothing would affect you so long. But now, something in your eyes was missing and she didn't know what was it. She wanted to help you but didn't know how because you never needed any help before.

"Yeah, " you smiled to her slightly so she could see you can still do it and it was okay. The problem was your lips and your eyes didn't match. "You?"

She just nodded as an answer but the suspicions she had was still there. She didn't want you to be alone so when you refused to hang out at the beach with the rest of the gang, she came with you to the kitchen. But you knew, she wanted to be out there so you should gett her off the hook.

"Hey, " you said to draw her attention. "Let's head outside. I am bored here sitting."

"You sure?" She asked. "You wanted to come inside?"

You smiled, forcibly, lately every smile you gave was like that. "Yes. It turned out to be a bad idea. "

"Okay, " she said when she got up, you had to also. She was ready to walk away before you stopped her. "I'm going to hit the bathroom first. You go. "

She looked at you unsurely. "I'll wait."

You laughed, you were a little lightheaded from standing up swiftly but you didn't drink enough to get drunk yet. But she thought you were. You wished you were too. "I can pee just okay without you waiting, Kie. Tell them I'm coming and determined to drink whatever out there."

Eventually, she ended up leaving you and as soon as she was gone, you let yourself fall on the sofa again. You just needed few minutes before you head outside.

The Pogues have started becoming the huge part of your life not so long ago. You think the awareness hit you just after you met them because they were the most animated people you've met. They were full of spirit although some of their lives weren't always bed of roses, still they managed the find attraction and beauty in other things. You admired them before, now you envied.

The cold hit you as soon as you stepped outside but you liked feeling the breeze on your bare arms. The cold was all you feel anyway. You knew exactly where your friends at, before worrying Kiara any longer, you made your way to them before you saw of a guy that one beer bottle in his hand and the other hand in his pocket. Watching your friend from afar. You pushed the urge of considering if you should go near him or not. You were going because you didn't go so many times before.

"Hey, " you let him know of your arrival. His upper body moves to face you only to see you looking at him with your unfinished bottle on your hand. He turned back to keep watching his sister and the junk she brought along with her. He never ever liked them and he never will but he had to behave because his father told him to. Rafe could only behave himself to a certain extent. He tried to stop himself making their life like hell but failed so many times that you forgot how many times you had to stop himself from hurting your new friends. He was mad at Sarah bringing them into your lives and he was mad at you for joining in this quest and defying him about this matter. You knew Rafe felt like the Pogues were the ones blame for everything that goes wrong in his life and almost anything he does and and he has goes wrong. Yet he was almost sure they were guilty of everything that happened. He had a temper and an addiction that makes it worse. He was confused and lost in so many ways, he was all over the place. Regarding the fact he wants do right by his family, friends and by you, he always and always ends up doing the worst of there is. Rafe's choices was never right and until that moment, you couldn't picture yourself being jealous of him because still, he had a say in what he had done with his life. The kind of life you regret having maybe, however with the pills mostly, he thinks nobody has it right but him.

Rafe was angry at his father, at himself and at you. He was angry at everything. He no longer knew what has left for him anymore. He has never received anything from his father but the disappointment he caused him. The things used to be his now was taken over by others. His part of the island, his so called values, his friends even and you too. Rafe knew you for so long although you were almost distant with everybody, you shared a huge deal of time together. Mostly because you had close family relationships and Kooks hanged out together all the time until his little sister violates that rule.

"Your new friends turned you into an alcoholic, huh?"

He said coldly as possible, still bitter about you stood between him and JJ Maybank and chose him over him. Well, he didn't expect you to be on his side because you would never. You had principles or some kind of shit he lacks, however he didn't expect you to be on his side too.

"My oldest friends couldn't turn me into an crackhead, I thought I might as well try this one." You said, trying to sound as cold as him but you couldn't make it last so long. "You look like you hadn't drown yourself in snow."

He faced you. "Yet."

You smiled looking at the ground and it was a real one. Rafe was frustrated to so many and sometimes to you but you like to talk to him sometimes. All the time, probably. You didn't know exact amount because you started avoiding being around him for too long after sometime in your life. Because you felt your heart pounding in your chest in a way that so weird as he talks to you and looks at you a little too long. You couldn't take the risk of acknowledging that feeling and letting it grow.

"No lectures about how I shouldn't do it?" Rafe asked you surprisedly. Because he wouldn't hear the end of it generally.

"Would you take them seriously?" You said. Somehow, you felt like grinning like a idiot and you didn't stop yourself from doing it. You asked him, one brow lifted up, playfully. Not like the times you fake being playfull. For real.

As you talk to him, he was about to forget he was mad at you. He grinned at your way. "Nah."

And the way he smiled it was so deadly, but he felt so heavenly just like that.

"You see, I've learned my lessons." You say to him and he just shrugges.

Rafe wasn't the type to approach people with an passive aggressive attitude. He would go with full active. But tonight, what he felt the most was so sickening feeling like sorrow but not, destructive one like hatred which he usually feels most. Therefore he looked calmer outside but the war was going inside his mind and his chest. Yeah sometimes even he had one of those melancholic days.

You felt uneasy as he wasn't even looking at your way to answer. It was like you didn't get what you came here for. He just stood there, making you wondering what he was thinking of at the moment.

Your eyes caught JJ, looking worried as his eyes searched for you in the crowd then they found you. He paced towards to you, seeing Rafe, he thought you might need to be saved from him. "Hey, where've you been?" He asked you after he sent brief glares to Rafe and he recieved the same ones in return. "We were waiting for you."

Rafe felt so regarded before by everyone else, he knew you would have gone. Again.

"You coming?" JJ had to ask as you didn't say anything.

"I think I'll stay here for now. " You sounded so clear that although Rafe was surprised that you wanted to stay, he didn't think he heard you wrong.

"Are you sure?" He said and couldn't stop himself from looking at Rafe. Rafe hated that look and the way he was being protective of you like he would hurt you.

"She said she'll stay, didn't she? Beat it."

JJ turned to Rafe, his jaw clenching in anger. "I don't remember talking to you man. " He sounded hostile as possible.

As Rafe took a step towards to him, JJ was also ready to pick up another fight so he didn't hold himself back.

"Hey, hey!" You had to step in and pushed them away from each other but it was hard because they were always so willing to beat each other up.

"I'm tired of doing this again and again. " You left your hand on Rafe's chest but didn't move the one on JJ's, the one also holding the bottle. He didn't have much common sense either but still was better than Rafe. "I'm sorry to ditch you guys but I need to talk to Rafe."

JJ had seconds thoughts but he left you eventually. Rafe went back to being silent and didn't even ask you what was you wanted to talk him although he wondered.

"You had to be the alpha, didn't you?" You asked just to hear him answering.

"This is my house, I am the fucking alpha here." He spits nearly. He tried his everything to not make a scene but it was a hard battle he had fought inside. You couldn't keep your eyes off of him, the way he's so annoyingly silent and the way he looks so mad but hurt at the same time was confusing you. You couldn't know you either hate him or hug him so tightly that he should never feel broken again. You knew all he did, he did it to make everyone around you to love him.

"Are you angry with me?"

"Is this what you wanted talk about?" He stares at you, answering your question bothers him so he doesn't.

"No." You said. No use of him confirming his anger, it was obvious.

"Just cut the to chase then. Your boyfriend waits for you."

You reached for the cup in his hands and it took him by surprise. "He's not my boyfriend." You said as his eyes widened by the sudden move from you, trailed your hand until you threw the cup to the ground. Then they turned to see your expression to figure out what you up to. You were a little too close.

"What are you doing?" He asked slightly angrily, slightly astonishedly. His pink, soft lips moved so beautifully, you had hard times focusing on his eyes.

"I want you to be sober for this."

You smiled as you grabbed his hand that held the cup the seconds ago. He was baffled by your soft touch, something was different about you tonight.

You pulled him with you and he didn't move at first as he tried to make sense of what you are doing. This was as strange to him as it was to you because your remember how many times you avoided being close to him. When you were talking to him casually or you were fighting with him, you felt so uncomfortable when you get too close to him. He was like this stunning and mesmerizing thing you felt his energy all over you but if you touched him or stay too close, you would get burned. How many times you wanted to hug him, hold his hand, pat his shoulders but you just didn't...

"What are you doing?" He asked, you had a loose grip on his hand and as you two moved swiftly, he was scared that it might break off. "Where are we going Y/N?"

"Be patient just for once."

And he had to be, however he never liked not knowing what's coming for him.

"Are you drunk?" Rafe said as soon as you stopped in front of him, making it to your destination. His eyes wandered around the balcony to see If there's something he sould notice but he's missing. But there were only you and him.

You rolled at your eyes the fact everyone's assuming you're drunk when you never felt so sober and wide awake before until now.

"No, Rafe. I am not." You even left your bottle at the beach.

"Why did you bring me here?"

You had to let go of his hands but your eyes never left his face. There was something with him that you could never understand before. You look at him and never want to see anything else. You could watch him for hours and days and still wouldn't want to look away. How foolish you would sound if you said these out loud.

Rafe waited for an answer but all you did was stare at him blankly.

"Why are you being weird Y/N? You high?"

You walked towards to the edge and left him behind you but turned away to see him, leaning back on the parapets. You had this idiotic smile on your face that just can't go away when you see him. You kept it hidden all this time but no longer fight the feeling.

"No. I am not drunk. I am not high. How many times I have to repeat myself?" You didn't sound sarcastic or angry, on the contrary Rafe found your tone extremely cheerful and it left more confused with the the situation.

"But you don't seem that way. " He admitted. The girl he knows was earnest, restrained and would do what what expected from her. It was annoying to him time to time because you were perfect example people-his father- gives when how he should be like. You were decent and kind, type of person who knows what to say to the people older than you. You were more relaxed and fun when you were with close friends. He liked that you could do it many ways but he always found you hard to get to. You would only let people in -or only him to the some point and would just go ice after that point. You were sharp with your words too If you wanted to and would know where to hurt when you want to hurt somebody but you only did to him once or twice. Probably they were the only times you actually went so cruel with anybody and Rafe was the only person could enrage anyone despite of how calm this person is. Rafe thought you had a side that you kept in secret and he was aware and impressed by that.

Now, you stood there, your hands on the parapets and your head tilted to your side with a small smile on the corner of your lips. You didn't look that weird but the energy you radiate was most peculiar.

He looked up and down. "You seem different."

The way he sound was like a melody. "How come?"

He only shrugged his shoulders and watched you giggle, breaking the silent night with it. You didn't know why you did it, it just got out of you.

Rafe took a step towards you, his eyes squinted with worry. "Are you okay?"

"Oh my God, could you just stop it? I am fine Rafe. "

"Then speak. Why did you bring me here? You're acting insane as fuck." He was impatient now and you were a little upset he thinks you are insane. So being out of your character just for a night and even he thinks you're insane. Your mood was spoiled.

"You can leave If you want. I didn't bring you here to fight. "

You sounded hurt and he couldn't comprehend how did you get too sensitive. You would scream at each other and you wouldn't even fling.

"Okay," he said to ease the tension. "Just tell me why are we here."

His words didn't bring your cheerful attitude back but you still continued. "Do you remember the summer two years ago? You and Sarah stayed here when Rose and your dad went to Caribbean's along with Wheezie?"

Rafe nodded slowly, wondering about why the hell you were bringing this up. "Yeah, we threw the biggest party this island has ever seen." He said little proud with himself.

He hoped the way he chuckles would make you all giggly again but you kept a straight face.

"It had started as fancy party at first. Sarah and I really wanted it to be like Midsummers because we wanted to feel like grownups in our fancy clothes." You smiled softly with remembering all of this. "And Topper was down with the idea because he wanted attention from Sarah. We even convinced you to it."

"And I remember we end up trashing the house at the end of the night though. "

"It was a mess." you said with a small smile that was gone so quickly. You approached to him slowly, with a serious look on your face that finally resembles to your normal self. "Do you remember you put on your dad's tuxedo and it was short for you because you became a giant that year?"

Rafe nodded firmly he was nervous of your serious expression. Now, you were only a step ahead of him and you were searching for something in him that he had no idea what. "I do." He brows squinted. "I had to take it off."

" You put on your ball cap when everyone wore a bow-tie." You smiled sadly, when you remember it hurt how good he looked that night. You'd remember him like that way forever.

"You were too drunk that night. I don't think you remember and it probably didn't matter to you," you cleaned your lips with your tongue. "We were here, alone, and you told me I looked beautiful in my sundress that night."

You felt a warn sensation on your cheek and your vision got blurred before you realize you are crying. You didn't know why because you finally felt so relieved you got this out of your chest. "And I couldn't forget that moment how much I tried to. "

Tears kept falling from your eyes, not matter how hard you tried to keep them in. You were tired from deceiving yourself about Rafe and pretending like you don't feel the way you do. Keeping this hidden from him and yourself. And you hated that you're crying and being so emotional and vulnerable now.

You wiped the tears and able to stop yourself although when you finally managed to look at Rafe, your vision wasn't all clear.

He looked at you as If you are not real. When you didn't get any reaction from Rafe, you were ready to drown yourself in bottles. You couldn't believe how stupid and naive you became in a week. This was the reason you never told him. This was the situation you didn't want to put yourself in. Just like that, a tear warmed your cheek again.

Rafe reached for your cheek, cupped it in his hand hesitantly. His heart shattered when you cried. And it was because of him. His hands left you naked, staring at him and wishing you were dead.

"How can you like me?" He asked, the words didn't almost make it out of his mouth and you weren't able to see his blurry blue eyes because of your own.

You cried a little more to his words. It hurt you how he thought he was unlovable. Yes he was mean, confused and a total mess but he was so much more. Maybe he didn't knew what to say or what to do all the time, maybe everything he did was wrong but he had good intentions. He was damaged and wounded by so many places. He was chaotic, problematic and it was probably wrong to mant to like him. Yes it was hard to love him but you did love him with every inch of your body and soul. You put your hand on his cheek and his skin underneath your palm was the smoothest things you ever touched before.

"You're beautiful, Rafe." You said and you just didn't know how to explain the way you feel. It was too much, too powerful.

"No." He stepped back, shaking his head side to side. He just couldn't believe you. You... of all people, knew how bitter he is and liked him? You were amazing and breathtaking in so many ways, you could do so much more and deserve so much better. And he was wretched soul, not even his father loved him. How could you possibly do?

"Don't fuck with me, okay?" He was angry at you playing with his mind like this. You were being cruel again, hitting where it hurts. "You don't." He said it like it is impossible for someone to love him because somehow, it was for everybody around him.

"I do."

He looked at you like you committed an unspeakable crime. Like you were trying to deceive him into that he has what he always seeked for. "Don't fucking lie to me. You don't." He said and a tear fell from his eyes. "You.." he had to take a deep breath to continue. You... A creation that is above him. "You can't."

If he only knew how he made you feel. If he knew how many times you pushed back the thoughts of him when they suddenly came to you and made your days unbearable. How you convinced yourself that he doesn't mean anything to you and felt sick in your stomach when you saw him with another girl and wished it was you instead. He had a possession in your heart without his knowledge and today was the day that part declared its freedom.

"But I do, Rafe. I spent so much thinking that it's nothing, thinking it is wrong, but I just do. I don't care if it is anymore, Rafe. I always tried to do what's right, it got me nowhere. If this is wrong, then I don't wanna be right."

You brushed his hair back and he was breathing heavily in your face. "Don't push me away." You whispered. "Please."

"I might never be this brave again." You kissed him, slowly made your lips as one. His skin burned you when his lips felt like heaven. When he gently kissed you back, you felt like nothing in this world could make you feel better than this.

Although you needed him more than the air your lungs lacked, you had to pull away. Your breaths melded with each other and now you got a taste of it, you didn't want to stop. Your lips once more was intertwined with his and they danced softly on yours. As your movements became more passionate, he followed you replacing his hands on both of your cheeks and pushing himself closer to you as if that was even an option, If it were, you'd do it sooner.

You wanted more and more. The scary truth that's been invading thoughts had no chance of fighting with the desire you were burning with. Him not loving you back as you do love him would kill you tomorrow but tonight you were born again.

[anomitafics]

When The Heart Beats || [1]

WHEN A HEART BEATS || Levi Ackerman x Reader

CHAPTER I

Entering the Survey Corps, Levi never knew what to expect, and as soon as their squad leader had been introduced, he had never felt so insulted in his life.

"You three will be under Squad Leader (Y/N) (L/N)'s command from now on."

Smiling at the trio a woman not too far from their ages waved her hand at them.

"We'll accept orders from her?" Isabelle whispered over at the two men beside her.

"It's better that anyone here I guess, she doesn't seem to be too bossy." the blonde murmured.

The two then placed their attention to Levi who had been silent since introducing himself.

"Well what do you think bro?"

What did he thought?

He hated the fact that they will be placed under a woman. Sure was he aware of being sexist but he didn't give a damn fuck, the shitty organization should've given them a male for a commander, he's worried that he won't be able to protect both his companions at all times so he expected that once their placed under someone's command then the squad leader can help him with his job.

Yet who was he kidding, it was always them against the world.

Clicking his tongue Levi dismissed the question as they towed behind their squad leader.

A quiet "Oh" escaped from their leader's lips that made them three focus their attention to her back.

Swiftly spinning around to face them she pointed to a room not far away from them.

"You three should proceed without me, I'll just get something real quick!"

Levi once again clicked his tongue, making sure the woman in front of them heard of how unimpressed he was.

"I'll be there shortly!" the woman chanted as she flee from their sight.

Isabel plopped her arms under her head in a carefree manner as Farlan chuckled at the strawberry haired girl.

The heavy door gave of a soft creak as the trio went in, Levi giving a scoff at the pathetic excuse of a room.

"This room sure needs Levi bro's skills!" Isabel said as she heard her bro's scoff, slightly attempting to lighten up the raven's mood.

"Yeah! Now we should look for the--" as Farlan attempted to help Isabel up, the room's door swung open revealing their squad leader holding a bunch of cleaning materials.

Farlan hurriedly helped her up as Isabel stared in shock.

"Well, I better help you three clean this place, it's been awhile since someone roomed here." she explained.

"Cool! Am I living here too?" Isabel goshed, heart warming instantly at their leader.

"No young lady, boys and girls live separately, but you'll still be able to train with your friends 24/7 since you're all under me, so it doesn't really matter where you sleep right?" the you woman explained giving her a cheery smile.

Isabel was about to retort when Farlan held her back.

"Isabel...! Y-you shouldn't talk to our leader so casually."

"Oh no it's definitely alright, I never wanted to be treated differently... after all we do seem to be at the same ages. If you were here sooner, one of you might've been the squad leader rather than me." laughing it off she tried so hard to ease the tension in the air that was slowly drowning her.

"Oi." Levi didn't like how the woman was treating them so closely, who did she think she was?

Looking at the floor Levi continued, aware that all attention had been directed to him.

"You speak too much... If you can't shut the fuck out'ta your mouth then you better just leave this place all up to us, we can manage on our own..." pausing he lifted up his face looking dead straight at her [c] eyes.

"Captain." Levi spat out the title as if it were the most disgusting thing his mouth had ever made.

Eyes widened, (Y/N) had never been talked to in such insulting manner... and she wouldn't just let him slide.

'Alright then... two can play the game Ackerman. Let me show you how childish I could get.'

Saluting she straightened her body putting on her most serious and dedicated look.

"Yes Commander! This wouldn't happen again!"

Isabel bursted in to laughter as Farlan couldn't help but to let a snort escape from him.

Levi's face couldn't be painted, he almost lost his cool, but both him and the woman in front him never broke their serious faces.

Turning around (Y/N) took hold of both the heads of the laughing stocks infront of her and bump it into each other lightly making Isabel and Farlan hit their reality.

"Oi! We better be cleaning before the Commander gets mad and make us clean the stables for a week." she said saluting at the process.

Both saluted in return and hurriedly get themselves some cleaning materials but just as Farlan was going to get the broom (Y/N)'s voice boomed:

"Church! Show me your salute!"

Once again Farlan saluted almost beaming with pride. The dark eyed girl gently grab hold his fists and placed it in the right direction.

"That's it." smiling at him, Farlan felt heat travelling through his face in embarrassment.

"Now Commander, please follow me." she stated, leaving the room as she awaits the man who looks like hell had broken loose all the time.

Yet the latter never moved an inch inside the room, frowning at nothing and no one in particular he just crossed his arms.

"Levi..."

Farlan scooted over to Levi in order to get his message through him without their leader hearing.

"...what are you waiting for? Why aren't you following her?"

Levi looked at the blonde as if he had asked the most stupid question there is.

"Yeah Levi-bro! You should probably go, I mean... we could use some allies within the base couldn't we?", this time, Isabel was the one to whisper and instantly Levi looked her straight ahead, he hated her idea.

"No." was his only answer as he walked passed them and out of the room.

There he saw the [c] haired woman leaning against the wall, eyeing the dirt under her boots. She had yet to notice the figure Levi watching her in both despise and curiousity.

"Captain."

'Ah...'

Looking up to the man who had made such respected title sound awfully disgusting, she started:

"I do not wish to be called the title if it were to be said in such rude manner Commander."

"And what makes you think I like being called Commander?" he asked, testing her patience.

(Y/N) took every ounce of effort to not retort with a childish; You started it!. After all she wanted to look as professional as possible to this man.

"You see Commander, I understand why you're acting like this towards me."

Levi's furrowed brows rose up as if signalling the woman to continue.

"You're afraid a woman like me wouldn't be able protect your friends when it comes to battle... You see Commander, allot of my squad mates had also reacted like that, but trust me, I'm not one to leave a comrade behind."

"You don't expect me to suddenly change my attitude towards not only you, but also this whole shitty organization just because of your little ted talk do you?" Levi snorted, fists slightly clenching into fists.

"No." with that the [c] haired girl stood up from her slouching position on the wall.

"But I do expect you to act professionally. I don't know what you're purpose here is, but as long as you're job here isn't done, then one of your goals is to act like a part of the Survey Corps. Man up! If in the underground you were the King then it's damn different here Commander." and with that she started walking away.

Levi just stood there in shock, processing what the woman had just said to him.

'Was he really acting... childish? He'd be damned.'

Turning to a corner, (Y/N)'s legs soon gave up forcing her figure to slide down on the ground.

She did it! She really did!

'Ha!'

Closing her eyes she heaved a long sigh of contentment.

"(Y/N)!!!"

Her peaceful frame was suddenly shoved to the ground as someone had just tackled her.

"Hange!... Hi!" she breathed out as she hugged the brunette back.

"Where had you been?!!" her excited shouts were so loud that some of the recruits had rushed outside their dorms curious of the commotion.

Laughing, (Y/N) helped herself up offering her hand to the brown eyed female who was still sprawled to the ground.

"Hange... What have I told you about the volume of your voice?" the [c] haired female asked.

Grabbing her hand the brunette hoisted herself up excitedly acting as if she wasn't asked a question.

"You act like a mom all the time you know! It's annoying sometimes!" she exclaimed, mindful of her voice this time.

"But you never fail to listen to me like a child, don't you?" smirking (Y/N) placed a hand to her hips.

"So why were you looking for me?"

"Erwin asked for you!" she answered.

"He did? I wonder why." walking side by side this time Hange looked at her as if she asked a stupid question.

"YOU'RE BETROTHED TO EACH OTHER! THAT'S WHY!"

"Hange!!! Stop saying it so loud! ...but you do have a point, maybe he had finally found a way to cancel it." looking at the sky (Y/N) wished he really did.

"Why don't you want to be married to Erwin? You're great friends right?" Hange asked curiously, watching as the [c] haired female beside her looked up the sky.

"That's exactly it... We're good friends who just don't want to marry. I mean, can you imagine it?" (Y/N) laughed as she pictured how awkward the house would be if it were really to come to that point.

"Just imagine me with Erwin's eyebrows, that wouldn't turn out to be such an attractive child wouldn't it?" she stated laughing.

Blinking once, twice, Hange's mouth suddenly formed the biggest shape (Y/N) had ever seen, and soon Hange's ear drum-wrecking laugh sounded through the entire base, making both of them laugh harder, failing to notice the blonde staring at their figures shaking in laughter.

"Are you...? Are you talking about me?" his voice boomed wrecking the two females from their laughing fit, (Y/N) not failing to notice the playfulness in his low growl.

"Oh yes we were Eyebrows! We were talking about how ugly our children would be if they were to inherit that!" poking his eyebrows (Y/N) bursted once again in laughter, Hange was almost dying.

"I most certainly heard otherwise, you see eyebrows are assets." Erwin couldn't help but to let small laugh escape, just watching (Y/N) and Hange loose their breathes from laughing at something that isn't really that funny made the composed man crack up.

Moments like these made Erwin's deep and stressed thoughts temporarily gone, and he liked it.

As their laughter had finally died down, Erwin placed a hand on his temple massaging it lightly.

"Now can Hange leave us for a while? We really need to talk." Erwin asked still massaging his temple, the brunette taking this as her cue to leave.

Once left alone Erwin looked straight into her dark eyes.

"It's about those three."

END OF CHAPTER 1

ANOMITAFICS

When The Heart Beats Masterlist   <----------CHAPTERS HERE!

[starlit-serenade]

Along the Red Thread | Chapter 5

🧣 Summary: It is said that a red thread connects people who are soulmates and destined to be lovers, regardless of place and circumstances. What makes this difficult is that you stopped believing in love a long time ago. OR. You go to Korea to visit your father after several years. There, a mysterious red thread that seemingly only you can see shows up when you least expect it, and you meet a childhood friend you’d never thought you would see again.

🧣 Chapter 5: 2,552 words

🧣 Pairing: Reader x Kim Geonhak (Leedo) / Characters: GenderNeutral!Reader; Kim Geonhak (Leedo); Kim Youngjo (Ravn); Lee Seoho (Seoho); Lee Keonhee (Keonhee); Yeo Hwanwoong (Hwanwoong); Son Dongju/Xion; a couple of OCs;

🧣 Rated: T / Warnings: Mentions of divorce (Y/N’s parents); Mentions of abuse (physical); Instances of abuse (non-physical); Mentions of child abuse; Swearing / Genre: Angst; Fluff; Soulmate!AU (Red Thread of Fate); ChildhoodBestFriends!AU; Happy Ending;

《 Boy Group Masterlist // ONEUS Masterlist // Series Masterlist 》

It's been about a week and a half since Geonhak first joined you to take Sunho to school. Since then, Geonhak has been accompanying you both almost every school day, waking up early to meet you outside of the apartment and ride the bus with you and Sunho. Sunho loves it. He tells Geonhak about the games he plays, the books he's read, the stuff he's learning in class. 

Some days, after dropping off Sunho with you, Geonhak will head to his dorm or to his practice. But on those days where you didn't want to return to your father's apartment, Geonhak would take you wherever you wanted to go, for as long as you wanted to be out. Whether it was just for some drinks, or to hang out at his dorm with him and his members. Seoho has, indeed, told you many embarrassing stories about Geonhak. Which provoked Geonhak to chase him around. Sometimes, you even get to watch them practice at their studio.

You and Sunho sit next to each other at the dinner table. Your father sits across from you, and Sooyeon sits across from Sunho. All of your plates are mostly empty from a filling dinner made by Sooyeon.

"Today, we practiced multiplication," Sunho says to you. "Areum helped me with it. She's better at it than me."

"Really?" you ask, grinning. "You can ask me if you need help. I know a bit about multiplication."

Sunho taps his feet excitedly. "Does Mr. Kim know multiplication?"

You pretend to think about it. "Hm. He should. Do you want him to help you practice?" Sunho nods, and you grin. "If you ask me, it seems like you like Mr. Kim more than you like me," you say, tickling him. He giggles.

"No! You're the one who reads to me every night."

"Who's Mr. Kim?" your father asks, interrupting. You look at him, and he asks again. "Who's Mr. Kim?"

"Oh, uh . . ."

You hesitate. You don't know why you don't want to tell him. Maybe it's because you want to separate your life at home from your time with Geonhak. Maybe it's because after all of this time you've spent with Geonhak and his group members, they've become almost a second family, your home, a safe place. And when you're with them, your father and Sooyeon vanish. Just for a moment. And you want to keep that safe. You don't want your father asking Geonhak to join a family dinner, and make you face the reality that you only really have one family.

"No one," you say. "Just a friend."

Your father tilts his head curiously. He looks at Sooyeon. "Clean the dishes, won't you?" he asks her. Sooyeon nods, standing up, and takes all of the dishes from the table. You hear the sound of the running water of the sink, as your father leans forward over the table.

Besides. You're an adult, and haven't seen your father properly in years. It's not like you owe him an explanation for anything. 

"He's just a friend," you say.

"And how did you meet this friend here? You've only been here for a month and a half."

You shake your head. You don't have the energy to explain it. And you don't need to explain it to him.

"I need some space." You get up from the table and head for your room, and you can hear the sound of your father's chair being pushed backward as he stands up to follow you.

"Y/N, you're supposed to be able to tell me everything. I'm your father."

If you weren't so busy trying to get some distance between you and your father, you'd roll your eyes. Ideally, you'd be able to tell your father everything and everything. But you haven't spent real quality time with him since the start of high school. And he isn't exactly close to you fatherly-wise.

You push open your door and try to slam it shut behind you. But just before the door closes, the door swings back twice as hard, the handle hitting you right in the hip and the edge of the door itself slamming into your lower arm and knocking you back, and you wince in pain, holding onto your arm.

"Fuck," you mumble.

That's gonna bruise.

You step back and place your hand on the bed to maintain balance. You glare at your father. He's staring at you in a way that makes you feel so small. You don't speak a word, as his eyes fall onto your arm. His expression changes.

"Ah, shit. Y/N, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to--"

"Just go," you say. You move to sit on your bed before lying down, not looking at him. "I'm tired. Please just go."

There's silence. Then, you hear the door close, and you relax, shutting your eyes tight. You just want to fall asleep. Maybe in the morning, you'll wake up and realize that it was you who was being unreasonable, or you overreacting.

Today, you and Geonhak are sitting at a table at the back of the library, after having taken Sunho to school. You two are pouring over a comic book together, snickering at the funny parts between sips of the cold drinks before you.

You two have been sitting there for the past three hours already. Time really flies when you spend time with him. He makes you so happy. Even when you two are walking in silence, not talking, you feel satisfied.

You know that you don't see him as just a friend now. He makes you so happy. Whenever you see him at the beginning of the day, when he shows up to take Sunho to school with you, you feel the butterflies burst in your stomach. You've never felt as safe with anyone as you do with Geonhak.

As your book comes to an end, you place it aside and check your phone. It's about 11:30AM.

"We should get ready to go," you say. "I have some readings to finish before I go back home."

"Maybe you could come over to the dorm?" Geonhak suggests. "I could make you some lunch. And you could do your studies at my dorm. If you want."

You grin. "Sure. I'd like that."

Geonhak sits next to you as you work on your computer on the couch. Two windows are open on your screen, one with your reading and one to take notes on. Your sandwich lays half eaten on a plate on the table in front of you.

"Sunho was talking, yesterday, about wanting you to help him with subtraction," you say to Geonhak.

"Oh, really? I'd love to."

"I know." You glance at Geonhak. While you've been looking at your computer screen, you've been somewhat aware of Geonhak's eyes on you the entire time. You don't know why he's been watching you this whole time,and you don't want to ask.

You reach over your computer for your sandwich, and your arm bumps the top of the screen, right where the door had hit you last night after your father threw it open. It did end up bruising, as did the spot on your hip. But the one on your hip wasn't as bad.

You wince and lift your arm a bit, and instead reach around your computer instead of over. You don't want to worry Geonhak, and pray that he didn't see or notice. But you weren't so lucky.

"Huh?" Geonhak looks at you. "Are you okay?"

"Oh, yeah. I just . . . I hurt my arm yesterday is all."

Geonhak carefully takes your hand in his, watching you to make sure you're okay with it. When you don't stop him, he slides your sleeve up your arm and inspects the purple bruise carefully.

"You did this to yourself?" he asks, looking up at you with concern, his fingers gently tracing the outline of the bruise. You can't lie to him. You don't want to. And, to be honest, you don't think your brain or mouth will let you.

"Well . . . no, not exactly," you say, shaking your head.

"Who did this?"

You hesitate.

You don't want Geonhak to think you're friends with him just because you still need help coping with your family problems. And you definitely don't want to be a burden.

Your mouth doesn't let you lie.

"My dad hit me with the door yesterday," you admit.

Geonhak looks furious. "He did what? Y/N, I thought--"

"I don't think he meant to do it," you blurt out. "I mean--I don't think he meant to hurt me. He was just mad."

"That's the case every time," Geonhak says, staring into your eyes. "It's always that 'he was just mad.' But that's not an excuse for him to hurt you."

You stare back at Geonhak, and nod. You know he's right. That your father is hurting you, and at this point, it doesn't matter if he means to or not.

"You're right."

After a second, he takes your hands in his reassuringly, and looks you right in the eyes. "Hey. Y/Nie. Do you want to stay here tonight? I don't want you going back there, if you aren't going to be safe."

You look up at him. You almost want to say yes. But you also don't want to. On one hand, you want to spend more time with him. He makes you happy. You trust Geonhak more than anyone else.

But on the other hand, you don't trust him completely. Or anyone. You've given up on that. When the person you were supposed to trust most, your own parent, broke your trust, how can you trust anyone else like that?

You smile, pulling your hands away from him, and you shake your head.

"It's alright," you say. "Thank you for the offer, Hak, really. But like I said earlier, I'd like to give him one more chance. And I don't want to be a bother to you or your members, so if something happens, I'll just get a hotel room someplace," you say.

He tilts his head curiously and frowns. "You won't be a bother, Y/N. The members love you, trust me. Seoho definitely loves telling you about my embarrassing moments," he says grinning. 

You smile,  but shake your head. "Thank you, Geonhak. But really, I think I'll stay at a hotel if something happens."

Geonhak sighs, then nods,  pulling his hand away from yours, and you feel yourself deflate a bit. "I'm always here if you need me, okay Y/Nie?"

"Of course."

You two continue to hang out a bit longer, until it's time for you to pick up Sunho from his school and for Geonhak to head to his work. You wish him a good day of practice, and leave to walk to Sunho's school on your own.

You have no idea where your mind is as you walk. It seems to be wandering everywhere, so much that you're barely aware of where you're going. You're on autopilot as you walk to Sunho's school. It's a wonder you don't accidentally walk into a lamp post

You know that you like Geonhak. You know that you have romantic feelings for him, however small. But right now, the last thing you want to do is act on them.

Growing up as a small kid, you had looked up to your parents. At first, you'd thought they were the best couple ever--seeing that parents are supposed to be their kids' role model.

But naturally, as your parents' marriage fell apart, so did your idea of love. How could you trust anyone with your heart when one of the people you were supposed to trust the most--your own father--already had broken your trust? You don't know if you're able to trust anyone like that. At least, for now. For you, you're happier just being friends with someone who you want to be more with.

But you also don't want to spend so much time close to Geonhak that you fall deeper in your feelings. Spending another night with him will make you want to spend another, and another. And you're too worried that that'll lead to you two being more than friends. Which you're not ready for.

You look up and realize you're at your destination. The gates leading to the school are there before you, standing a little taller than you are.

You stand, waiting outside of the gates in front of Sunho's school, like a parent waiting for their kid. You're a couple minutes early, so you're waiting, listening to your music while staring in the direction of the school while you think about how you like Geonhak but don't want to like Geonhak.

Your thoughts are interrupted by a small ring! from your phone. You look down, frowning, and you see that you just received a text from Geonhak. You click the message to see what he said.

Geonhak 🐥: The members were asking about you. They say hi and they hope you're doing well!

Above the text is a selfie Geonhak took. You can see Youngjo, Seoho and Dongju beside him, as well as Keonhee and Hwanwoong reflected in the mirror behind him. They're all smiling brightly, waving, making peace signs or hearts and silly faces. You can't help but smile. He and his members are all so sweet, and you can't help but smile dumbly as you type a text back.

You: Aww! Tell them thank you for me! 💕

You: And thank you for spending time with me today.

Just after you send the second text, you can hear the bell ring in the distance, signaling the end of Sunho's school day. A couple minutes pass as some students start exiting. They run to their waiting older parents or siblings. As you continue looking over the kids, you spot him.

Sunho is talking to two friends next to him. One little girl, who you recognize as his best friend Areum, and another kid who you don't know the name of. Sunho sees you, waves goodbye to his friend, and runs over to you.

"Hi Y/Nie!" he says, running over to grab your hand. "I can't wait to tell you about what I learned today! And Mr. Kim!"

You smile as you lead him to the bus stop. "I can't wait to hear it. And I'm sure Mr. Kim will be happy to hear it tomorrow before school, too!"

"Yeah!" He grins widely. "Can I show you at home?"

You grin. "Of course. Sunho," you say. You look up at the sky. The sun is bearing down on you. It's hot as hell today. You look down at Sunho. "How about we go and get you some ice cream. Does that sound good?"

"Yes please!"

You smile, leading the way toward the ice cream place you've gone once with Geonhak and Sunho.

You don't know what it is, but you find so much joy in pampering and treating Sunho. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that you didn't get enough affection from your father, and you've seen that your father doesn't give Sunho any attention either. You want to give Sunho everything you lacked as a child.

You smile softly down at Sunho. 

[r3b3lgrrrrrrrl]

A LunaTic and Her Gunn (Part 115 2Xs2) "True Intentions"

@crystalbaby12 @backoftheroomandnotbelonging @5sosfam1dlover @rosefilledhearts-blog

"I've got different colored sticky tabs for the different spaces." Luna announces as she enters her storage unit.

Jackie and Sam are there with The Movers. Luna goes through picking out which pieces will go to The Brownstone, her Studio Apartment and the Recording Studio she just bought. She had signed the closing paperwork electronically with Monica and Ben earlier this week on the latter properties. The Apartment is ready but the Recording Studio needs a contractor for the equipment installation. Jackie being on top of that, they start the gutting process next week. Everything else is being moved out today.

"Whoah!!! Be carful with that!!" Sam cries out in concern as she watches The Movers roughly handle an original, stretched Mapplethorpe.

"What the FUUUUUCK." Luna groans as she rubs her forehead. "Why wasn't that crated?" She asks no one in particular as her phone rings. "Hello?" She sighs into the receiver.

It's Kylie. Luna's therapist. Calling because it's 2P on every other Thursday. Luna excuses herself, trusting Sam and Jackie while she finds an empty stairwell.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"It's just conflicting, Ky... " Luna let's out with an annoyed sigh and a cloud of smoke from her pen while playing with Colson's padlock around her neck.

She's been on the phone with Kylie for the last 45mins talking about everything and anything. Colson, Justin, trust, feeling over exposed, setting up the lable. Her therapist advising her to breathe as always and to make a Pros and Cons list regarding marrying Colson. Knowing there is no option, Luna humors her with an Okay before they get off the phone.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"How do we look?" Luna asks after coming back in from the stairwell.

"Good." Jackie begins to reassure her. "Everything you want is loaded into the two trucks. I'm gonna ride to The Brownstone and Sam to The Apartment... Uhm, Lee said you're good to go at Electric Lady Land around 7P... "

"And I talked to Mikey, he'll be there no problem." Sam chimes in.

"You guys are fucking AWESOME. Thank you." Luna pulls them in for a three way hug. "I gotta go meet Petey." She informs them once they release. "You guys good without me?" She asks.

Both women nod. Giving promises of phones calls if there's any problems as Luna heads back towards the stairwell; popping another XR and two 30s during her descent. It shouldn't be THAT hard... They're only responsible for moving half of her life.

---------------------------------------------------

Colson gets in touch with The Boys and heads to Amsterdam Billiards for pool and beers. Popping his own handful of Adderall along the way. Stepping out of the cab, Mod greets him with an excited hug.

"What up, Kid!" He squeezes his unhappy friend. "Aww, come on... Don't be like that, you know Luna'll come around. She always does." Mod tells him with a slap on the back as they walk inside.

Benny, Baze, AJ, Rook and Slim have a table racked up. Mod grabs more beers as Colson joins them. They're all talking about the GMA performance. Agreeing it was killer. While Rook also can't stop talking about Jackie.

"Good luck with that, Rookie. I don't think Loons is doing any of us any favors right now." Colson sighs as he leans down to break.

"Shit. Speak for yourself, that's my homie, Dawg." Rook disagrees with him as he swigs his beer.

---------------------------------------------------

Luna meets Pete on The Delancey's rooftop bar. He's already sat when she walks in. Noticing her, he stands for them to hug Hello. His normal excitement clearly missing as she orders a drink.

"I heard you and Colson got into it after I left." Luna cuts right to the core.

"Yeah. He wants to blame me for him running his mouth." Pete starts to complain to Luna's silence. "Like I started all this shit."

"You kinda did... I love you Petey but whether I cheated on Colson or Justin, like I told you last night, it's none of your business. My betrayal didn't land on you or even Colson so really the two of you are fighting over some shit that doesn't even concern you. It's that simple." Luna explains.

"So you did cheat on Beebs?" Pete asks her, ignoring everything else she had said.

"Yeah, Petey. I told you last night that I had an affair. I'm not proud of it but it happened." Luna shrugs as she fights back tears of guilt.

"Who was it?" He pries.

"What? No. You don't get to ask questions like that... Like, I don't understand why this feels like you're mad at me for some reason. I didn't do ANYTHING to you." Luna furrows her eyebrows at him as she takes a sip of her drink.

"Yeah but you did do something to my friend that he never did to you." Pete looks into his beer and then up at Luna.

"You didn't know Justin and I's relationship as well as you think you did. Just like you don't know nearly as much about me and Colson as you think you may. My turn? Your judgmental attitude towards me is really disappointing and if you're so worried about your FRIENDS than go make up with the one that's still in town. I'm outta here though." Luna swallows the rest of her Old Fashioned with two gulps. "Hit me up when you're done being a dick." She calls over her shoulder as she walks out of the bar.

---------------------------------------------------

Mike's sitting alone outside of Electric Lady Land when Luna arrives. Lighting a cigarette, he looks up. Green eyes taking her in as he stands to grab her guitar case from her.

"What's goin' on, Luna?" He asks as he sits back down and takes a drag from his Marlboro.

Luna fishes around in her bag for her joint box and flask. Finding them both, she takes a swig before offering it over to his acceptance. Lighting a joint, she sighs out a cloud of smoke as they sit in silence. Sometimes no talking is good.

After a while Sam shows up. The three of them head inside to meet up with Lee. Thanking him, he tells Luna no one was even booked as they begin to set up in Studio A.

Realizing they need producers, Luna calls Slim. Then Snaps Colson. Setting her bag on the table, she pulls out supplies. Weed, whiskey, cigarettes and more weed. Popping another few 30s before laying her guitar back onto her body.

---------------------------------------------------

"Yeah! No problem, we'll be down there ASAP." Slim says into his phone. "That was LunaTic, she wants us to come produce the track." He says excitedly to Baze once he hangs up. "Dawg! We gonna make some music in Jimi Hendrix's fucking spot, Yo!!" He exclaims as they slap hands across the pool table.

Colson's just about to put his two sense in when his phone goes off. Digging in his pocket, it's not the message he was expecting. It's a Snap from Luna.

"If I want? What kind of fucking shit is that?" He scoffs in his mind. "Why's she so fucking hot even while she's being such a fucking a bitch." He finds himself becoming annoyed with how much he wants her and her resistance towards him. He shoves his phone back in his pocket without responding.

The Boys are getting ready to head to  Greenwich Village when Colson's phone goes off again. It's the message he's been waiting for. Telling The Boys he'll meet up with them later, he's out the door before they pay the tab.

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Luna's leaned towards Mike in the booth when Colson walks in. He can't hear them but he doesn't like that he can see him making her laugh. Mike's a little to comfortable in his interactions with Luna in Colson's personal opinion. Luna catches the back of his blonde hair and significant tattoo as she looks up, watching as he walks out of the room. He quickly heads down the hall towards the bathroom, promptly pulling out the quarter ounce of cocaine he'd grabbed from Nipple.

Colson walks back into the studio just as Luna, Sam and Mike begin recording. Sitting with Slim and Baze at the soundboard, he grabs a pair of headphones and slips them on. Listening and watching intently. Luna can feel his eyes burning straight into her soul.

Nailing it on the third full take, they leave it alone. Luna doesn't want it mixed. Layered, yes but not mixed. She's always preferred the gritty, garage rock sound over studio polish any day. Coming out of the booth, she approaches Colson as he stands up.

"You came." She purrs with a drunken slur to her sentence as she wraps her arms around his waist.

"I go where you go, Kitten. Always." He promises her before lifting her chin to kiss her deeply; enjoying their first real kiss of the day but opening his eyes half way through to stare down Mike from around the side of the top of her head.

Hanging out afterwards, they celebrate with beers and lines. Luna declining as everyone else partakes in Colson's party favor. Having done enough other drugs all day, she's still buzzing from earlier so she's solid without it. Preferring to burn and drink instead.

"What do you have recorded so far?" Mike asks Luna about her upcoming album.

"I think maybe three out of an ambitious twenty!" Luna laughs softly at herself.

"I'm down to help with anything you need." Mike offers as he passes her a joint.

"Thanks... I'm probably gonna take you up on that." Luna answers. "I don't really have a band right now and we... "

"That's why you got us." Rook interrupts her while plunking down on the couch beside her and tossing an arm around her shoulders; he doesn't like the way Mike has been hanging around Luna either.

"That I do." Luna giggles as she kisses his cheek.

"We backed her on Nightmare and I produced Outlaw." Rook declares proudly while studying to the musician.

"That's cool, Little Man." Mike responds unfazed by Rook as he stands up. "Luna, you got my number if you wanna use it for anything. I gotta run though." He smirks at Rook as he leans down to peck her cheek.

"You want me to walk you out?" She offers.

"Nah, I'm good... I'll catch you around though." Mike smiles at her before heading for the door.

Watching the entire interaction, Colson follows behind him. Calling out his name, he catches him in the hallway right at the front door. Mike turns around unamused.

"You know we're engaged, right?" Colson questions him with an irritated tone.

"Yeah... And?" Mike cuts back while cocking his lip.

"AND? And I don't like the way you fucking act around her so back the fuck up." Colson snaps at him.

"Gonna be kinda hard since it seems that SHE wants ME as her new bassists." Mike laughs at him while slapping him on the shoulder.

"Gonna be kinda hard to play ANYTHING when I snap your fucking fingers." Colson warns him as he shoves Mike up against the wall; Mike's 6'2 so there's not much of a height difference between them.

"Try it, My Man." Mike chuckles, unimpressed by Colson's threat.

"You know what, you're right... " Colson let's him off of the wall. "Maybe I overreacted." He says as he opens the door for Mike and he begins to walk through. "Or maybe I FUCKING didn't!" Colson growls as he grabs Mike's right hand and jerks him back.

Slamming it with the door, in between the frame. One. Two. Three. Four times. Most likely breaking it.

"YOU PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT!" Mike screams as he grasps his mangled hand.

"You can walk away right now or you can crawl away with two broken legs also." Colson advises as he props the door open again.

"You're gonna FUCKING regret this." Mike snarls to Colson's emotionless stare as he holds his hand and turns to leave. "That was a bad fucking move, My Man." He calls out from the sidewalk.

"Maybe it was... Maybe it wasn't... But DAMN if it didn't feel good." Colson walks back to the studio with a pep in his step for the first time today; having released a majority of his stress. "I never liked that motherfucker anyway." He thinks as he opens the door, looking to locate only Luna. Knowing in the back of his mind that her and Sam are gonna probably fuck him up for what he just did but he doesn't care. Fuck that Dude, he doesn't want him around Luna regardless of the cost.

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"There's stuff!!" Rook exclaims pointing at the large, round arial rug, crates and boxes in The Living Room as they return to The Brownstone. Everyone but Luna is zooted, even Sam. "Yo!!" Check out these fucking chairs!" Rook continues to holler, now from The Study.

It's also stacked with boxes of Luna's books and vinyls. Having one wall with floor to ceiling bookshelves, she's looking forward to using them. Walking in, she finds Rook lounging on one of the two highback, purple velvet chairs she owns along with the exposed Mapplethorpe.

"What's up with that picture?" Rook asks as he accepts a beer from Luna.

"My grandfather shot it." She tells him proudly as they clink their beers together.

"It's really cool. Like the two flowers are reaching out for each other. Like death grasping for life." He says thoughtfully.

"I think that's what he was going for." Luna smiles to herself, admiring the exceptional piece.

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Luna makes her way upstairs to the shower. Turning Fletcher on, she lights up a joint as she cuts up another two 30s and swallows two Xanax bars. It's been a long day, she hasn't been to sleep in almost 48hrs and she's incredibly shaky from all the Adderall. Wanting to simply wash everything away and knock the fuck out.

"Hey... " Colson's sitting on the bed when she comes out of the bathroom.

"Hi." She answers as she stops and looks at him with a sigh.

"Please come're, Luna." He asks for her as he reaches his arms out yet again.

This time she does. Sitting on his lap in her towel, she wraps her arms around him and nuzzles her head into her spot in the crook of his neck. Resting his chin on her head, Colson and Luna hold each other silently besides his constant sniffling.

"Loons, I'm sorry." Colson speaks first. "I shouldn't... "

"Please. I'm SO tired." Luna whines. "But, Colson, it's not the secret that you told. I would've told Justin had he cared to notice or ask. It's that you told A secret because I've got bigger ones than that. You have no idea." She sighs sadly.

"Like what, Kitty?" Colson pries with concern.

"Seriously, I am so fucking tired, Col. Can I please just sleep. I promise I'll tell you everything." She pleads with him as the Xanax begins to take over.

"Okay... " Colson agrees as he kisses her forehead. "Lay with you?" He asks.

"There's no way you can lay down right now... Just come to bed eventually, please." Luna requests.

"Yeah." He promises "I love you." He tells her before taking her face in his hands and kissing her passionately.

"I love you too." She kisses him lightly on the lips again once they release before crawling off of his lap.

Dropping her towel, Luna climbs into their bed. Wrapping herself in the warm, custom blanket, she snuggles into the pillow with heavy exhaustion. Colson leans down and kisses her cheek. Dropping another I love you into her ear as she mumbles the same. She's out before he closes the door.

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Colson, Sam, Baze, Rook, AJ, Benny, Mod and Slim are downstairs for the next few hours. Jamming, talking uncontrollably and bouncing in and out off the front stoop to smoke cigarettes as they blow through the bag of coke. 

The house is still bare so they decide it's a good idea to start setting Luna's books up on the shelves. They're all high as fuck, doing whatever they want. Sam and Mod begin trying to organize her vast collection but are making no sense. Baze gets caught up in a hardback limited edition entitled The Great Big Book of Rock and Roll. Slim and Colson are in awe when they open a box of her records. Sitting on the floor, they start going through them like little kids in a candy store. Rook's really flying and gets bored quickly, heading into The Living Room to beat his energy out on his new drum kit. Benny and AJ are the only chill ones as always. Maxed out in the purple chairs, they continuesly puff on and pass blunts to the other wackos. Luna sleeping through it all.

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Sam and Colson find themselves out on the stoop alone. Their normal awkward silence is gone as cocaine fuels their conversation. Talking all things Luna. This is one of the reasons Sam barely hits the slopes, she talks too fucking much when she's on 'em.

"You can't be mad at Pete." She offers up her opinion. "Luna's like another little sister to him." She tries to explain.

"Yeah but he's supposed to be my bestfriend." Colson disagrees.

"I get that... So can't you understand the fucked up spot you put him in between the two of you?" Sam counters as she takes a drag off of her Camel.

"Yeah... I think he thought she cheated on me... " Colson trails.

"Look, he had a really hard time with Justin and Luna's relationship too. We both did. Justin would disappear and we'd be looking for him with Luna. Sometimes we'd find him sometimes we wouldn't. Sometimes he'd call Pete, me or Izak on his own. Pete and Izak would hide him... It was fucked up." Sam shakes get head in dismay as her own heart breaks. "Justin would get clean, be good for a minute but then relapse all over again and she'd be a fucking mess. If anyone tried to paint their relationship as picture perfect to you than they didn't truly know them. Luna and Justin had a lot of problems." Sam admits to one of the first people ever; Colson seeming to have that effect on people.

"She doesn't really talk about him... I mean a little but I can tell it's restrained." He sighs.

"There's my Sammy Bam Bam!" Baze interrupts them with a grin as he opens the door.

"Make up with Pete." Sam pats Colson on the shoulder as she stands up to head inside with her boyfriend.

The Cocaine Cowboys eventually round their night out. Sam following Baze to his room as Rook, AJ, Benny, and Slim head to theirs. Mod being super grateful for the spare bedroom he slept in last night. Colson making his way up to a still sleeping Luna.

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Stripping his clothes, Colson climbs into bed with Luna. Her body is warm as he slides himself around her. Firmly running his hand up her outer thigh, along her hip and ribcage before crawling around her breast. Feeling every inch of her once more as he runs his hand back down her slender body.

Luna moans as her hips begin to shift back and forth out of need and instinct. Colson grows harder against her back as he slips his fingers along her pussy lips. Feeling her juices spill out as he lightly dips his finger inside of her.

"Mmm... Fuck, I've missed her taste." He mentally moans, not being a able to resist sticking his fingers in his mouth as his tongue dances around her unique flavor.

"I wanna fuck you." Colson husks deeply into her ear while he grabs her tit.

"Mhm." Luna murmurs hazily as she perks her ass into him.

Getting the Go, Colson seperates her delicate lips with his fingers. Taking his time, he slowly guides himself into Luna. Feeling her body tense as she moans and pushes her ass deeper into him. Tangling their legs in each other's, Luna reaches behind and grabs the back of Colson's neck to pull him closer to her. Kissing every inch of her that he can reach, he fucks her sternly while she bounces lazily off of his cock. With her face and closed eyes still resting softly in her pillow; she moans and fucks Colson contently in her sleep and drug induced state.

There's something about a SleepFuck that's incredibly satisfying to Luna. Her walls clutch Colson's dick in pleasure, making he thrusts harder. Releasing himself as he feels her cum all over him.

"FUCK." He breathes into her bare neck.

"Mmm... " Is Luna's only response, she's already almost back asleep.

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Pete shows up on The Brownstone's stoop with two coffees. Colson meeting him with four blunts. The two friends take a seat. Colson firing up the first blunt after Pete hands him his coffee.

"Yo... I'm sorry, Dawg." Colson starts as he exhales. "I put you in some shit... "

"Nah, Homie." Pete cuts him off as he accepts the blunt. "Luna's business is her own. No matter who it's with." Pete sighs. "I just worry about her, Man. And you too. I've seen you both go through some fucked up shit and I don't want to see it again, I guess." Pete half shrugs as he takes a pull.

"Look, Sam ACTUALLY talked to me last night so I get it a little more than I did before." Colson tells him as he accepts the blunt.

"It was just hard... " Pete shakes his head at the memories.

"I don't want this to fuck us up." Colson bares his soul to one of his bestfriends.

"Me neither." Pete agrees as he reaches for the second blunt and fires it up.

Both friends look at each other. There's an understanding between men that can happen without words. This is one of those times. With a simple nod, Pete and Colson are good. Going on to enjoy their coffee, each other and the NYC morning as they get high and bust it up like nothing ever happened.

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Luna's extra miserable when Colson wakes her up for their flight back to LA. The lack of sleep, too many drugs and her gunshot wound have her aching in every sense of the word. She doesn't shower. Just throws on sunglasses, cuttoffs and an oversized Hotel Diablo hoodie.

They make it to JFK just in time for their 11A flight. Everyone is dragging, not only Luna. Proving that cocaine is a Motherfucker. Once seated in first class, everyone knocks back out. Luna curling up against Colson as his face lays on her head and arm rests upon her bare leg.

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It's just before 8P by time they make it back to The LA House. Everyone is tired. No one is happy. All dropping their luggage in The Living Room before heading to their beds. They're so mentally jacked, no one's even thought to check The Charts, let alone eat at all day.

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Luna and Colson sleep clean until the next morning until her alarm goes off. Colson groans as she shifts away from him. Climbing out of the bed, she reaches high to stretch. Colson watching her out of one slitted eye.

"Why are you up?" He asks flatly.

"So you can truly see me." Luna answers before disappearing into the bathroom.

It takes a shit ton of coaxing and drugs to get Colson moving after Luna's shower. Complaining the whole time as she hands him water and joints. Once in the shower he starts to feel slightly better after he jerks off. He's FINALLY fully functional after his Adderall and coffee kicks in.

Not getting as much sleep as Luna and doing way more drugs, he's really edgy. She hands him a football before they walk out of the bedroom. He's so pissy they leave the house quietly without his trademark WE OUT.

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"Can I have the keys?" Luna asks, she's dressed in an overall romper, white shirt, long socks and one of her leathers as they walk towards the Rover in the early Saturday sun.

"Why?" Colson asks back as he tosses them to her in his own ripped jeans and black T.

"I need to drive and you need to listen." She answers before sliding into the driver's seat.

"You're talking to me now?" He counters with a slight attitude as he buckles his seatbelt.

"Do you think this is a fucking game?" Luna whips her head towards him.

"No." He answers solemnly as he sparks a joint.

"You don't seem to fucking get it at all." Luna shakes her head as she pulls out of the driveway.

"Look Loons, I'm sorry I fucked up with the Tommy and Justin thing. I shouldn't have said shit no matter how I was feeling." He exhales his apology as he passes her the joint and finally pops the Xanax she gave him.

"You still don't get it, Colson. How many times do I have to tell you.. It's not the secret you told. It's that you TOLD a secret. Period. You don't seem to realize that I'm dirtier than a fucking affair... Fuck." Luna let's out an exasperated sigh. "Let's be honest. In the short time you've known me; I've committed coercion, shot a federal agent, am in the process of setting up an underground abortion clinic... Oh! And I was blackmailed into issuing a public apology for fucking up one person out of what? A fucking dozen? And that's only been in the last 3MNTHS... Seriously, I am a fucking criminal." Colson stares at her as everything begins to register. "Fuck, I've got things going on that you don't even know about yet." She continues to worry as she hits the joint a few times while staring ahead. "And now, I'm terrified to fucking tell you about them."

"Like what?" Colson asks her with a concerned, yet amused SideEye as he takes the joint.

"Why should I tell you? Every criminal who's been caught is usually taken down because of their irrational lover." She looks over at him with a light smirk and hazy blue eyes for the first time during their car ride.

"You really gonna play me like that?" He scoffs at her before inhaling a huge hit.

"I don't know. You wanna say don't call Jax but are your stupid ass, jealous comments gonna get me popped one day?" She bites back as she fumbles for her cigarettes.

"Are you fucking serious?" He spits out as he starts to get angry with her. "What the fuck do you think I would do to you and what the fuck else are you doin' that's worse than what I already know? And where the FUCK are we going?" He demands as they continue to drive.

Luna's quiet for a long moment as she smokes her Newport. She's trying to keep herself calm and figure out exactly how to tell Colson about what things. Already having made her decision long before they got into the SUV to give up her biggest secret.

"Tell me, Luna." Colson asserts as he lights another joint.

"All in?" She asks him firmly as she looks over at him and holds his stare while he grabs her hand to reassure her. "I told you... I'm dirtier than you think. I own properties that clean money and stash shit for one of the biggest distributors on The East Coast." Luna admits in a hushed voice.

"It's for Tommy, isn't it?" Colson immediately snaps as his mind flashes back to his conversation with Benny.

"OH MY FUCKING GAWD!!" Luna can't help but scream. "You are so fucking hung up on other dudes that it's insane and probably what's gonna get me caught!" Luna stops. "How can you not see that I tell you more about myself WILLINGLY than any other human being on This Earth? That you know more about me than Justin ever did." Luna's lip trembles as tears escape from her eyes. "So, yeah... It started with Tommy but I have bigger associates now... " Luna shakes her head. "That's only a blip though. There is so much more at stake for me than that!" Luna slams her palms against the steering wheel in frustration as she begins to sob. "You have no fucking idea." She shakes her head again as her voice breaks.

"Then what is it, Luna?" Colson softens his tone with her.

Coming to a stop light, Luna turns her head and looks Colson dead in the eyes. Her hands are clutching the steering wheel so tightly that her knuckles are white. There's a look on her face he's never seen before. It's a mixture of sadness, pain and determination. Taking a shuddered sigh, Luna flicks her cigarette out the window. She finds herself begging The Universe that he won't betray her this time as she's about to tell only Colson her true intentions. Lighting her own joint, she inhales deeply and holds the hit in. Looking over at Colson, she studies him. He stares back, waiting for her words.

"I'm gonna kill Smurf." She states icily before turning away, releasing the brake and focusing on what's ahead. "Still wanna marry me now?" She asks, puffing on the joint without taking her eyes off of the road.

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Part 2 of 2

To be continued...

[lie---ability]

for too many times in my life had i been wrong about people. so much that anyone who tries to have anything with me makes me anxious. i even get anxious about my upcoming job at Virus & Partners because new people = chances of any of them hurting me. i have been wrong about people so much that i think it's because i idealize them so much. i mean an example could be us hanging out everyday, do a lot of things together, stay out late together, ditch others for each other, chat each other right after being together the entire day, say i love you and get home safe — and i'd think we're best friends!!! only for her to say we never were. and that she never wanted to be close with someone like me. so it must be me, right? maybe i just fell in love with the thought that she's a great best friend. at the same time i think, no. she was a best friend, she did exist. that version of her existed. or at least did when it was convenient or beneficial to her, but when the time came where it wasn't, she threw me under the bus, become totally different from who i loved. who i proudly said was my best friend. all those months that built up my comfort, trust, attachment — ended up being told as a lie. and if it came from the person herself that they were lies, who am i to say she's just saying that for whatever reason? she said it herself. we weren't best friends even if she said it before. so what was the truth? was i just really stupid and idealistic? or are people just so awful now? it's like i'm this fish in a pond who's so easy to catch with just the right amount of treat. like i'd swim away when you approach but try a bit more and i'd fall for it. attachment issues suck, more so my abandonment issues.

but this post isn't about jodie. this is about my first boyfriend, rikko.

first because rj doesn't count, the fuck? that shit was a joke lol i just got a dose of reality at an early age. no love there at all. who even falls in love at 13? that shit illegal. so yes, rikko is my first boyfriend ♥️ and even though i've dated guys before, he's the only one i ever loved so far. i love him so much. in fact, before i was already starting to think that maybe i'm not capable of love? i mean, i'm aware i'm a mean person. but i didn't think of myself as someone incapable of falling in love. but among the guys i met and dated, ALL OF THEM WERE JUST TO FEED MY EGO. ego ego ego. tell me i'm pretty. keep asking me to go out and let me reject you over and over again. show me how much you wanna take me out on a date again. over and over and all of them were unintended! when i do talk to someone, a part of me tries! maybe this could work? but it kept ending the same way. ego food. which led me to think fuckkk i'm incapable of loving too? what am i here for then tfuck? — until i met rikko! and everything he did and said, i wanted more of it. the more he laughed, the more he cried, i wanted to keep seeing them, even if he laughs/cries for the same reasons over and over. i wanted the things he wanted. i wanted to like the shit he liked, and i did! i hated touch but i love being held by him. he was expressive too! like the other boys! but for some reason, it wasn't ego food. they became credit scores for me. each time he gets a point, it adds up to my reasons why this is it! why this is worth a try! and i struggled and fought hard. the commitment and daddy issues, the anxiety, the fear of abandonment, blah blah and he did and said the right things at the right time he went at the right places, gave the right gifts, promised the right things — all for him to turn out to be just like everybody else. he died months into my life. he couldn't keep up with the character he played, and idk why people keep playing a character on me. jodie played the supportive bff but really wanted to be some sort of main character which i think is rather difficult hence the hurtful betrayal. and then there's rikko, who played the boy i could ever want, but never was that person. he never was that person to his parents and friends, and i thought he would suddenly change for me? that's some boss level pick me girl shit. i love rikko, even now as i type this. i met him january 2020, it's july 29, 2021 today, and i love him so much. but i'm not sure if i should be with him anymore. on principle, morals, self-care, common sense, logic, religion. why? because he died. he died last january 2021. he's no longer the same rikko i fell for. his hands aren't the ones i fought myself to hold. he's not the same person who went all the way from paranaque to cainta for me at 8pm because my dad told me he almost had another baby with someone ON MY BIRTHDAY. he's not the same person i looked at up at Sm Aura thinking he could be the one. and that i belong here, with him. that i love being with him, and he could be other things, but i want to be with him. he didn't know it, but looking at him as he talked about his friends, those things ran in my head. it was the same rikko who got teary eyed when he misunderstood me there at the Sm Aura rooftop, thinking i meant that i was just playing him. the rikko who gave me a necklace for no reason, wore it on me and even had it in a totally unsuspecting case (tea bag) which made the surprise funnier and cuter, is... yep... no longer here. the rikko who kept reminding me i'm redeemable, that i'm not my anxieties, i'm not my bad brain, i'm not my small voice, that rikko is long gone. and still i stayed waiting, making excuses, reasoning out with myself, trusting that he'd come back and funny enough, 7 months in and... he's still gone.

the saddest part is he doesn't want to be like that. or so i think. he tries. i see him trying. i see the efforts. he tries to ask me about my day, about my worries, why i'm anxious, why i'm sad or irritated. he asks me about work, applications and when i'm out with friends or family. he tries to make time for me even now that he prefers valorant over ml with me, i know he tries to play ml with me. he tries to take some time off work to talk to me. he tries to post on social media now, shares my ig stories, joins my tiktoks and get along with my jokes. he tries. i know he does. but that's the thing. he has to try. and maybe those things, he just isn't. and the difference between trying and develop is with development, there is direction. there is progress. with rikko... it's unstable. sometimes he can do this, but the next times not so sure. and as someone anxious with rejection and abandonment issues, inconsistencies are okay, but a lot of them? and major ones? NOTHING GOOD WILL COME OF IT. so many things rikko doesn't know and still he has it in him to say or assume a lot of things about me. one of them is when he said i'm ALWAYS annoyed at him. does he know how many times i get annoyed at things he do? but i don't address all of them not because i don't want to but because i acknowledge that they're not worth the fight or i'm just being hotheaded or immature or maybe inconsiderate. i think first before i act on him because if i learned anything about rikko, emotions have to make sense! which is wrong in the first place but that's who i'm with! but at the times i can't help being tampo, annoyed, or upset, he finds it in him to tell me i'm a l w a y s annoyed? WHEN?!?! i even asked him when and i know he realized it but still he fell stubborn to his pride. does he also know that his gifts don't make me kilig anymore? they just relieve me at this point which is sad!!! fucking sad!!! why? for example, for my virtual college graduation i was getting anxious few days before because i'm worried he won't give me anything or do something for me which will surely trigger my ~neglected issues~ and if i do get triggered, instead of addressing and being there for me, instead of making it up to me, he'd get mad! he'd make me feel that i'm asking for so much, for the impossible, all while i see it happen to people. i see other dudes give their girlfriends things without occasion. i see them try to like the things their girlfriends like, even embarrassing ones that she posts on social media. i see men constantly expressing their love for their gfs, for the person they asked to commit to them. all while i have one who would call me demanding, needy and exhausting. imagine? lol i get anxious he won't fulfill me not because i'd get sad but because he'll get mad when i get upset. he'd make me feel awful and remind me of the reason why we should end. and i hate that. i'm fighting so hard to take it off my mind, i hate thinking that we're incompatible, unhappy and that we're just trying to revive this love we have for each other. that love really isn't enough, even for us. so when he got me this bouquet for graduation, i was 95% relieved and 5% kilig because awwwww but more importantly, I WON'T BE TAMPO WHICH MEANS I WON'T HAVE TO HIDE AND HE WON'T HAVE TO GET ANNOYED AT ME BEING UPSET! as i type this all the more i feel bad because it's so clear i shouldn't be with him anymore. it hurts each time it crosses my mind. i really see rikko as the love of my life. and idk why. because he shouldn't be. the love of your life should be someone who makes you laugh, makes you strong but can also let you cry. the love of your life is the one who holds you on your way out of dark times. the love of your life is the one who corrects you in ways that won't make you feel bad, but in ways that make you feel cared for. that he's telling you so out of concern, not because he thinks you're a difficult sick mental person who needs an on-call therapist and an attending nurse. the love of your life should be the person who makes you cry the least.

but he doesn't deserve it also. maybe he's not ready to be in a relationship just yet. and there was no harm in trying. in fact i'm happy he tried because if he hadn't added me on facebook and hit up on instagram, i would have never known what love was like. i would also have never known how fun and exciting it is to be in love. it's so nice actually! to lie down with someone and just know they'll be there when you wake up and even if you do wake up in the middle of the night, you're safe with them. and no matter what you look like in the morning or how loud you snore or how stretched you are in bed, you are loved by this person next to you. and they chose to sleep with you too. to be as vulnerable as you are. and i loved that with rikko. we sleep together, we wake up in between sleep just to look for each other's cheeks, we shower together, we do weird shower dances, we have secret baby things, and a lot more things that you would think from here on meant forever. because these things, how could you ever try them again with someone else? because from where i am right now I HATE THE THOUGHT OF THOSE WITH ANYONE WHO'S NOT RIKKO. but stay with him for what? for what at this point? i'm not God. i'm just an anxious person with daddy issues who has enough money hunger and dreams plus a mom, aunts and 1 friend who loves rikko so much. i can't change him. and i shouldn't.

[deanwinchestermydaddy]

TO SEE YOU AGAIN (DEAN WINCHESTER STORY) PART. 20

Y/n's POV:

These past four months have been the hardest for me and Sam. I try to help him but he blamed himself and I did the same with myself. Sam would disappear for days then come back. I couldn't sleep because when I closed my eyes I was able to see or more imagined what Dean was going through and I felt the same pain, how I felt my body being torn apart then put back together. The first time that I had those nightmares I had Sam to comfort me but it wasn't the same he wasn't Dean.

As the time went by I would disappear for weeks saying that I was going to the bar and on hunts to think and free my mind, but I wasn't. I drove to a different crossroads in town then out of town to make a deal, but none of the demons want to make a deal with me to bring Dean back. It was driving me crazy.

"you know Dean wouldn't like you to make a deal Y/n? He made me promise that I was going to protect you and stopped you from doing that" he said as he sat down in front of me, "yeah Sam I know" I said lying to him, "I will go to take a nap then I will bring us food is that alright?" I said and he nodded and gave me a small smile that I returned. I went to my room and did something that I haven't done in years I prayed. I got on my knees and cross myself, "look, I know that I am not one of your favorites. I don't even know if you are real or not, but once again I just want to ask you for a miracle to bring Dean back, he deserves something better than what he has got. So, God, I ask you for a miracle to bring Dean back safe, that's all I ask for. Please and Thank you" I said and got up and grabbed the keys of my car to go to town, "hey Y/n I thought you said you were gonna take a nap?" Sam said as he saw me, "Not anymore Sam. You want the usual?" I asked and he nodded, "be careful alright," he said giving me another smile, "will do Sam," I said before I walked out.

~IN TOWN~

I was walking around not really looking, having other thoughts on my mind which were really only about Dean. I bump or more like slammed into someone and I fall on my butt, "I'm so sorry Miss" the guy said as he turns around to help me up, "no, it was my fault.  So I am sorry for slamming into you Mister" I said as I look up and saw that he was wearing a black dress shirt, "Don't call me Mister you make me feel old" he said as he looked down and smile at me and I smile at him back, "thank you... uh I guess young fella for picking me up even when it was my fault" I said and he laughs at what I said and I saw those big blue eyes that twinkle, "no problem, young gal and have a good night" he said as he started to walk away and I just stood there looking at him walk away, "good night to you too!" I said loud and he turns and waves, "may God bless you," he said and it made me froze, then I continue to go and get the food for me and Sam. After that day I left for Iowa to try again to make a deal.

Dean's POV:

"Help! Help! Help!" I said as I was pounding on the wood that was above my head as dirt falls on my face and I continue to pound.

I was in the middle of a grassy field, a simple wooden cross is planted as I crawl my way out of the ground, groaning and gasping. I lie on my back, panting. I stand looks around in the glaring sunlight.

I walked until I saw an abandoned Gas Station and I entered, "Hello?" I say but no one answers, so I enter and took some water to drink I was really thirsty. I started to get more water to take and I see a Newspaper and it says that is Thursday, September 18th. I cleaned myself and started to look on my body and see that nothing that happened to me in Hell is there no scars, well just a hand-print on my left shoulder.

I go to the counter, set down the bag, and hit a single button on the register, snapping my fingers in satisfaction when it pops open. As I'm looting the cash, the TV to my left flicks on, showing only static. I shut it off; only to have a radio to my right turn on to white noise. Not wasting a moment, I go to another shelf and grabs a carton of salt, opens it, and begin to pour it along the windowsill.A high-pitched single tone begins, and I clutch my left ear in pain as I continue to pour salt with my right hand. As it continues, I drop the salt and crouch to the floor, groaning in agony. The window above my head shatters as the sound continues, and I drop to the floor. I leap to my feet to try to escape, and more glass on the ceiling and walls shatters. I went to a phone booth that was there and dial Sam's and Y/n's number but they don't answer, so I try another number. This time it rings and is answered."Yeah?" he said and I was happy to hear his voice, "Bobby?" I said looking around, "Yeah?", "It's me," I say and still sounds that he doesn't recognize me, "Who's "me"?" he says confirming what I thought, "Dean," I said and a dial tone sounds, so I hang up and dial again. "Who is this?" he said again, "Bobby, listen to me" I try to stop him from hanging up, "This ain't funny. Call again, I'll kill ya" he said and the dial tone again. ~AT BOBBY'S~

I pound on the door, and Bobby's hand appears to open it. I smile cautiously, but Bobby looks at me suspiciously. "Surprise," I said, "I, I don't..." Bobby says, "Yeah, me neither. But here I am" I said entering. As I approach him he lunges forward and slashes me, so I grabbed his arm and twist it around, he breaks the grip and backhands me in the face. "Bobby! It's me!" I said but still, he doesn't believe me, "My ass!" he said and I put a chair between the both of us, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait! Your name is Robert Steven Singer. You became a hunter after you met Rodney, and later met your wife and... you're about the closest thing I have to a father. Bobby. It's me" I said raising my hands and he lowers his knife and places his hand on my shoulder, suddenly he slashes again, but I quickly subdue and disarm him. "I am not a shapeshifter!" I said but he can't hear me or something, "Then you're a Revenant!" he said and I shove him away and hold the knife, "Alright. If I was either, could I do this – with a silver knife?" I said rolling my sleeve and slicing my arm, "Dean?" he said starting t believe me, "That's what I've been trying to tell you" I said and he grabs me and pulls me into a tight hug and I return it.

"It's... It's good to see you, boy" he says and I felt relief, "Yeah, you too," I said smiling at him, "But... how did you bust out?" he said and I really had no idea, "I don't know. I just, uh, I just woke up in a pine box..." I didn't finish cause Bobby splashes water on my face, "I'm not a demon either, you know" I said spitting the water, "Sorry. Can't be too careful" he said giving me a towel that I use to wipe my face, "What do you remember?" he asked, "Not much. I remember I was a Hellhound's chew toy, and then... lights out. Then I come to six feet under, that was it. Sam's and Y/n's number are not working. They're, uh... they're not..." I said imagining the worst, "Oh, he's alive. And as far as I know, she is too" he said sitting down, "Good... Wait, what do you mean, as far as you know?" I asked him what he means, "I haven't talked to her for months. Sam calls some days to check-in" he said, "You're kidding, you just let her go off by herself?" I said getting angrier, "She was dead set on it and Sam was with her for a while," he said, "Bobby, you should've been looking after both Sam and her, you saw how she reacted!" I said raising my voice, "I tried. These last months haven't been exactly easy, you know. For them or me. We had to bury you" he said trying to make understand, "Why did you bury me, anyway?" I said curiously, "I wanted you salted and burned. Usual drill. But... they wouldn't have it" he said suspiciously, "Well, I'm glad they won that one," I said, "she said you'd need a body when she got you back home somehow. That's all she said while Sam just didn't want to listen. Both insisted that she was acting differently" he explained, " What do you mean?" I asked him to elaborate," she was quiet. Real Quiet. And then she just took off. Wouldn't return my calls. I tried to find her, but she didn't want to be found by me. And Sam said that sometimes she will show up stay for a day then leave for weeks" he said and I got mad, "Oh, damnit, Y/n" I said hitting the table, "What?" he said not understanding my actions, "Oh, she got me home okay. But whatever she did, it is bad mojo" I said shaking my head, "What makes you so sure?" he looked at me with concern, "You should have seen the gravesite. It was like a nuke went off. And then there was this... this force, this presence, I don't know, but it, it blew past me at a fill-up joint. And then this" I said and show him the handprint, "What in the hell?" he said as he stands up, "It was like a demon just yanked me out. Or rode me out" I said having my mind going wild, "But why?" he asked, "To hold up their end of the bargain," I said and I saw the worried on his face, "You think Y/n made a deal," he said as the concern grew on his face, "It's what I would have done," I said and I didn't know what to think.

Me and Bobby left to Kansas where Sam was and to see if he knew anything about Y/n.

Y/n's POV:

It's been a couple of days since I left for Iowa and I have tried at least 5 times to get a deal, but all of the demons don't accept my soul at all.

~At night~

Today it is my last hope to see if I can get a deal so I can bring Dean back, I did the whole ritual and waited for a demon to show up, I was losing my hope when I felt someone behind me and I turn to see him.

" Hello darling, you come to daddy," he said and I just looked at him and recognize him, "Crowley?" I said and he smiled at me, "so my demons said that my special one was trying to make a deal" he said and I rolled my eyes at him, "I'm not your special one Crowley. You should know that I don't like you" I said crossing my arms, "C' mon darling you do like me admit it" he said and I just looked at him, "yeah maybe the size of a mustard seed. But why the King of Hell is here instead of your minions, huh" I said and he raised his eyebrows, "well Darling you see, your soul has something special that I would like to have and I wasn't going let them have it, so I told them to not made any deals with you until I was able to come to make it" he said, "can you bring him back?" I asked him and he gave me a bitch face, "of course Darling, but in exchange for something" he said looking at me up and down, "what do you want in exchange for bringing him back?" I said as he started to walk around me, "you see as the King of Hell I need to have a Queen, and who would it be the best Queen that one of the most feared female hunters, that has a special soul like yours" he said licking his lips and I really wanted to puke, "Dean gets back and I have to go with you to Hell, for how long?" I asked accepting what I had to do, "well that's the thing. Is for eternity" he said and I gulped and looked down, "okay Crowley, where do I sign" I said and he looked surprised, "I thought I had to try to convince you more Darling, but I guess I was wrong" he said and I just wanted to finish this, "cut the shit Crowley and let's do this" I said and he took a step forward, "you have to kiss me Darling to seal the deal and your Ken doll would be back just like we said" he said and I took a deep breath and when I was about to step forward to kiss him my phone started to ring and I knew it was Sam for his ringtone, I stopped Crowley. "I have to answer this first," I said and took a step back.

"yes Sam," I said and Crowley looked at me, "he's alive Y/n!, alive!" he said and I couldn't understand what he mends, "what? who is alive?" I said and Crowley raised his eyebrows and looked away from me, "Dean, he just arrived with Bobby at the Bunker. He-he-he is truly him Y/n" he said and I felt that all the blood was drained from my body, "Sa-Sam don't play with me please" I begged him as tears started to blurry my vision, "sweetheart is me is really me please come back I missed you" I heard that voice that I've been missing for months and I dropped my phone to the ground as tears ran down my face. I pick it up and walked towards my car, "what about the deal?!" Crowley screams at me, "forget it you lied to me!" I said as I drove off.

Dean's POV:

It's been about 7 hours since we talked to Y/n and I just wanted to hold her and tell her that everything will be okay, and that I was never going to leave here ever again.

The 3 of us were at the kitchen, but soon it was just me cause the 2 of them left.

I wasn't gonna go and wait there so I decided to go to our room and sat down on the bed waiting, but I couldn't help to wonder all the bad things that can happen to her, to me, to us. I couldn't help but cry and wipe my tears as more started to run. I listen to footsteps it seemed that someone was running but I didn't bother to look at the person that enter my room, "Dean?" I heard a broken voice said and I felt my heart pump faster and I turn to see her. I stand up and run to her and picked her up on my arms as she wrapped her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist, "thank God you are here" she said as she held me closer and I did the same. I kissed her slowly showing her all the love and how much I missed her.

I felt that I was complete again I put her down and grabbed her face and kissed her again and again, " I love you, Dean, you don't know how hard it was" she said as tears started to ran down her eyes and I wiped them with my thumb, "please baby tell me that you didn't make a deal please" I said and she looked down and took a deep breath, "I tried so many times, but none wanted to accept, well until tonight. But I said no cause Sam called" she said as she tries to smile at me with her teary eyes. I stopped holding my breath as I hear her said that I was really glad that she didn't and that we didn't have to be concern about how much time did we had left together. I kissed her again, "we need both of you at the library," Sam said making both of us break the kiss.

When we were walking towards the library Y/n was holding me close, just like the day that she almost lost Scott, I looked down and kissed her head and smile at her just like she did. We soon arrived and we saw someone standing in the middle with a trenchcoat, "who are you?" I asked, " Castiel" the guy answer and I moved Y/n behind me, "Yeah, I figured that much, I mean what are you?" I asked again as he kept looking staring at me, "I'm an Angel of the Lord" he answers, "Get the hell out of here. There's no such thing" I said and I felt Y/n move, "This is your problem, Dean. You have no faith. Unlike her she did and thanks to her faith I brought you back" he said and I was about to say something but Y/n beat me to it, " I know you, I-I saw you on town I bumped into you, but... you are using the guy as you meat suit" she said stepping forward,  "He's a devout man, he actually prayed for this" he answers and the lights started to flash and we were able to see his wings all of us took steps back but Y/n stayed in place even when I try to pull her, "so you are really an angel Castiel" she said and he nodded and step forward towards her and try to reach for her, but I saw her flinch, "I would never hurt you Y/n. You and Dean were chosen by God to accomplish his plan" he said as he caresses her face, "what plan?" Sam asked, "I have to go," he said and he disappears as we hear a flop of wings and Y/n just stays there not able to move and I move in front of her and snap my fingers and she shook her head and blinked, "what happens? where did he go?" she asked confused, "he had to go" Sam answer and I just embrace her and she did the same and I started to kiss her but soon it turns into something more, so I picked her up and I walked straight to my room and shut the door, "WE WILL BE ON THE BAR DEAN, IF BOTH NEED US!!" Sam scream and I really didn't care I just wanted to show her how much I missed her.

[mikaa-exe]

Demon hunter au | Demon!Hyunjin x DemonHunter!Reader

Requested by @jung-snoopy-woo, thank you so much for your kind words ^^

•Gender neutral reader

•fluff uwu

•some swear words here and there

•might have some typos but I'll fix them asap if I find any

Ok

We don't want to brag here but

You kinda were the best demon hunter of your area

Those naughty creatures got nothing on you

You were always one step ahead

You've been doing this for so long that you already knew every trick they would use to mislead you, every action and almost every face and name -_-

And you could see that they were scared of you, even if they didn't show it

You're basically a whole badass reader damn!!

Let's give some context here

So there's been demons around since before you were born

They aren't the evil bloodthristy creatures that you normally find in books or movies

Well most of them aren't

Some of them kill and do that whole satan thing but the rest are chill most of the time

They're just a pain in the butt jesus

The demons love to be mischievous and play tricks on every one

They steal not because they need money or products but because they love chaos

They go to peoples houses just to mess with their closets and dishes

They eat your food before you can even finish cooking it

They even steal candies from children >:( those bastards

So it's your job to capture these creatures when they get too out of control

You're amazing but there is one specific demon that haunts your nightmares

Hwang Hyunjin -_-

This demon has been YOUR pain in the butt for almost 6 years now!!

The first time he appeared was in your bedroom, you were about to fall asleep when you felt your hair being pulled from behind you

Boy you were hella fast to jump from your bed and grab the closest thing to you in that moment, which was YOUR GUN- no I'm joking, it was a knife, you don't bring guns to bed, that's gross

You looked around but it was too dark to see anything so you sneackly walked to the switch and BAM

No one was there

The fuck

-_-

Now at this point you were positive it was a demon but why wasn't he showing itself or attacking you again? That's not common of them

-"Did you lose something?"

JESUSWTFISHAPPENINGBITCHIGOTAKNIFEANDIMNOTAFRAIDTOUSEIT

The voice behind you made you jump and hit your head in the light that hanged from the wall

Well ouch that was really unecessary

You looked up and--

Wow hello cutie

NOP

WHAT THE FUCK READER IT'S A DEMON AND IT JUST PULLED YOUR HAIR GET YOUR FEELINGS TOGETHER

The little shit had the audacy to l a u g h

Bitch

- "Aren't you supposed to be the best demon hunter here?"

You gave this little shit your scariest gaze

At least the scariest you could while sitting on the floor with your hair all over the place

-"WhY? dO yOu hAvE A pRoBlEm SiR?"

-"Mmh idk... Thought you'd be taller"

And just like that he desapeared, leaving you on the floor still trying to digest what the heck had happened here

So there you go, that's how you two met

From that day on he made sure to visit you almost everyday

He's the one who switches your socks right before you go out just to see you wearing mismatching socks like an idiot

He puts salt on your morning cereal and sugar on your lunch

He goes to school with you and just follows you everywhere

-"Is this what you chose to wear to school? Geez"

-"vxhdbxvvx can you not"

-"That girl is looking at you funny, you should spit on her"

-"WtF sPiT?!"

-"Omg the teacher asked you a question and you're taking this long to answer?"

-"Shut up I'm thinking!!!"

-"What if you stood up right now and started dancing the floss?"

-"Why would I do that?"

-"Why aren't you talking to me? :("

-"Hyunjin I am in class and I don't want to talk"

-"Why do you keep responding then?"

-"I'm about to punch you so hard--"

-"You can't, you're in class"

-"ARHHHHHH"

You would laugh at how ridiculous this situation was if it had nothing to do you with you

BUT IT HAD UFFF

You tried everything to get Hyunjin to leave you alone

Demon traps, boxes, holy water because why not

You tried violence once but the best you managed to do was throwing him some cookies

Guess what

You missed

And you waisted some perfectly good cookies :(

You're not a violent person in general bUT THIS BOY AHH

You even tried talking to him at one point about this whole situation but he was too busy drawing on your kitchen walls with tomato sauce

It was starting to get to you so you reported him to your superiors but they said they didn't have any complains about a demon named Hyunjin

So that means this idiot is only here to mess with you and you only

WHY CRUEL WORLD WHY

Ok

Let's be fair

He never seemed interested in actually hurting you or doing anything too mean

He just seemed to want your attention God knows why

So if you're stuck dealing with him might as well try and enjoy this situation

What do people usually say?

If you can't win, join them

Instead of yelling at him or throwing him your book collection for the third time you asked how his day went and even offered him some cookies

Let's just say he was s h o o k

He just stood there, mouth open and completly lost

JSHDJDBBDNSNVDKD

READER YOU BROKE HIM!!!

You?! Being nIcE to him?!

Is this a joke, where are the cameras?!

The only thing he managed to say was a shy "Good.." and a mumbled "no thanks"

O M G :o

The demon that's capable of spending the whole night talking about God knows what is out of words .. WOW!

The next day you found him repainting his old masterpiece on your kitchen wall but with mustard this time

You quietly walked up to him and replaced the mustard in his hand with a rug

-"I like this smell better"

HE WAS SO CONFUSED THE POOR THING!!

He looked down with the face of someone who was having an existential crisis and started cleaning your wall

You smiled at him and gave him a thumbs up to which he responded with a blink and a worried smile

SJBDJSMBDJE HELP

So yeah, from that day foward you tried being nice to him and understanding his needs and actions

And if we're being honest here

He wasn't all that bad when you got to know him better

Aparently the other demons didn't like him that much so he tried to find other ways to entertain himself

You thought maybe boddering you was his way of expressing himself??

He thought that was the only way he could get your attetion

So you tried teaching him how to help instead of being annoying

He still went to school with you but now he insisted to help by carrying some of your stuff

He was quieter during classes and even started answering some questions on a notebook that you offered him

Maybe it was out of boredom but you were so happy!!

He was learning and that was so good and adorable! ^w^

He asked for your help sometimes with the things he couldn't solve

And you thought he looked so cute when he would bite your pencil whenever a harder question came up

You two started doing homework together and he was getting so much better at each subject

You felt like a proud mother :')

He would now watch you while you cooked for you both and would occasionally ask some questions like why did you put that in there or why were you mixing the ingredients with a fork and not a spoon

So you tried teaching him how to cook

Let's just say he was a whole m e s s

So after hours of intense baking you ended up with a weird red mix and some mashed potatoes

Your kitchen was dirty, sticky, slippery and oN FIRE OMG!!!!!!

After a visit from the fire department Hyunjin promised he would be more careful and ask you before turning on anything

You also discovered he was a whole teddy bear

Omg this boy was so soft and cuddly

He's such a clingy demon but he was also kinda shy, specially at first

THE UWUs

THEY EXPLODED

He started by getting closer to you until your shoulders touched but if you looked at him with a questioning gaze he would immediately push you to the ground and run away with a evil laugh and some flushed cheeks

Whenever you had free time you two would do a movie marathon that always ended up with holding hands or falling asleep on each other

He once had the brilliant idea that you two should definitely watch a horror movie one night

He thought it would be the perfect opportunity to prove you how strong he was and how he could protect you

But it didn't go like he had hoped to

You two ended up a trembling mess of limbs, cuddled up to each other as Hyunjin whispered how bad of an idea that was and how it was all your fault

THIS BITCH I CAN'T-

Some days you would just arrive home totally exhausted and Hyunjin would make you some warm tea and cuddle you on the sofa until you fell asleep

He'd try to stay awake in case you wanted to move or go to your room but you were so warm and cozy that he was gone not even a minute after you

He'd also insist on doing your hair when you were going out

He loved it and he had a lot of fun so anytime he had the opportunity he would ask you to let him help

At first you ended up with a mess of braids and accessories that formed a weird nest on your head

BUT HYUNJIN LOOKED SO HAPPY WITH HIS PUPPY EYES AHH

You ended up going out like that

But he got better with time

Whenever you had to leave him alone at home you would write him a list of things for him to do and others that he shouldn't even attempt to

You arrived later and found your house a little messier than before and Hyunjin cleaning a weird green goo that mysteriously fell on the floor

Y o u r f l o o r

But you couldn't be mad at him now, specially because when Hyunjin saw you he tackled and trapped you in a big bear hug that immediately melted all your anger

How can someone be so cute Hwang Hyunjin wHAT IS HE DOING TO YOU

How dare he mess with your feelings this way

You two started opening up more and more to each other and BAM that's how you got your super demon best friend :D

His mischievous side wasn't all gone, he still pranked you once in a while but now you were sure it wasn't for the sake of being mean

And he made sure to compensate you with cuddles, an attempt of a meal or a gift made of things he found around the house

It so was weird

At first you couldn't handle him but now you two are inseparable!

It's unusual but you both make it work

Your own way ^^

[ping-ping-ying]

NCT: Jeno X Reader Yandere!

Warning: toxic relationships, mental and emotional abuse, mentions of death/murder, violence illegal crimes

I've been so whipped for Jeno lately so why not write something about him? Enjoy!

1:45pm

"This milkshake is huge!" I stared at it with wide eyes.

"That's why I got it, so we can share. Plus to save money." Jeno chuckled while scratching the back of his neck. "Kind of cheap I know-"

"No, it's perfect!"

"Great!"

We both were the cliche couple you see in the movies. Super giggly, over the top with affection, and just plain cringeworthy. Jeno and I both sipped out of our separate straws while sharing quick glances at each other. He got brainfreese and held his head with both of his hands.

"Jeno! You have to slow down!" I laughed.

"GAAH!"

"Y/N?" Someone asked.

I turned my head to see my friend Junhui. He was a senior but he was my best friend. Even though I was a junior he always hung out with me.

"Junhui!" I scrambled from my seat and went to go hug him.

He embraced me with a tight hug with a few smacks on my back. Which resulted in me hitting him playfully.

"What are you doing here?" He asked.

"I'm on a date with Jeno." I pointed behind me.

Junhui smirked and walked away from me.

"The famous Jeno! Nice to finally meet you! She is always talking about you." He shook his hand and Jeno gave him a nervous smile.

"Yeah..."

"Junhui please leave before you embarrass me."

"Pfft you do that yourself."

"Junhui go! I'm on a date remember?" I sat down in the booth.

"Alright, only because it's you. Goodbye kids."

"We're only a year younger than you."

"Bye children!" He ran away to the bar to get ice cream.

Jeno eyed him with evil eyes, something that was extremely foriegn since Jeno was always a smiling happy puppy.

"Hey, babe you okay?" I grabbed his hand.

"Huh? Yeah I'm ok! Just zoned out." He squeezed my hand and sent me a reassuring smile.

We both continued to drink our milkshake and make stupid conversations.

Later that day after Jeno walked me back home, an ambulance came racing down the street. Strange, nothing ever happens in my neighborhood. It parked terribly outside of Junhuis house. Oh my! Did something happen to his mother? She has been sick lately. Junhui isn't answering his phone, and that made me worry. What if Junhui is hurt?

The next day in school, I waited outside leaning on the railings of the bleachers at the football field, which is where we usually hang out before and after school. Or sometimes we would ditch class and hang out here. It was around 3rd block (or period) and I ditched class just to see if he's in gym class. His class would be running the mile today and Junhui has a thing being being overly competitive. No doubt he would miss this.

As if on cue, Junhui walks out the doors of the gym with his class. But sometimes was amiss. He walked with a slight limp and he hid his face. What the hell? Once the teacher had the first group running the mile, Junhi walked over near the bleachers. I hid behind it until he got really close.

He sat down on the bleachers above me, and I came out of my hiding spot. When he spotted me, he began to panic. But I wasn't concerned about that, I was concerned about the horrible bruising he had on his face and arms.

"Junhui! What happened?! Are you okay?!"

My non existent maternal instincts kicked and I was all over him checking his bruises. He kept trying to back away, but he couldn't do it well.

"Junhui explain! I saw an ambulance go to your house- you didn't answer your phone- what-" My hands started flailing around as I spoke.

"I got jumped." He said short and blunt.

"By who?! I know you have enemies from school but- my God they looked like they were tryna kill you! Who did this?!"

His eyes averted my piercing gaze and that made me even more mad. The he looked up and froze. He looked like he was in pure fear. Without hesitation I turned around and saw Jeno holding a bag.

"Jeno? What the hell are you doing here?"

"I know you ditch class sometimes so I thought I'd skip too and buy us lunch." He holds the bag up. "Woah! Dude are you okay?"

"Fine."

"Are you sure?" Jeno walked over and stood next to me.

"Yes." Juhui averted his eyes from us.

Something was off. I could feel the tension between us three even though none of us did anything wrong. But maybe Junhui just want's to be left alone.

"Well aren't you sweet Jeno." I gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"Of course! Anything for you. I'll meet you over there."

"Okay."

Jeno walked off, but stood in eye distance at the entrance of the field at the gate.

"Junhui please tell me-"

"You should go."

"Don't shut me out! You're my bestfriend."

"I'm not, I can't talk too much. My throat got damaged."

"Oh okay, I'll see you later ok?"

"Yup."

I left Junhui and caught up with Jeno. He immediately grabbed my hand, holding it tightly.

"What happened with Junhui?" Jeno asked

"I have no clue. Jeno what are you looking at?" I followed his gaze to see he was looking Junhui.

"I feel bad for him."

"I know poor baby. I'll kill whoever did this."

Jeno started chuckling when I said this.

"Why-"

"Because you're cute when you're mad."

"Oh-"

"Let's go, the food is getting cold."

"Alright."

Jeno smiled to himself as he walked with you hand in hand. He was glad that Junhui didn't say that he was the one who beat him half to death. Jeno was incredibly jealous, over anyone. Junhui shouldn't be a problem to him anymore if he values his life. All Jeno wanted was you, no matter what.

-PingPing

-7:09

[courtorderedcake]

Hallow : ch XIII - CSSNS 2019

“The Goblin King was prepared to host the Darkness, stealing Fae women away to their corrupted lands underneath the ground as concubines. The Darkness chose another in his stead, but not before this selected vessel enacted a devastating attack in its vengeance, revealing its hatred & rage. The battle was a lesson the old kings had forgotten; never underestimate an opponent.

Many more lives were lost as they razed over any who dared defy The Goblin King’s will. Only the pure love of our rulers united in matrimony, breaking the Vorpal Dagger, sealed the darkness and the Goblin menace away. The light flourished under their fair rule, and the queen bore a child as pure as moon beams, swan feathers, and starlight. They lived happily ever after, and shall be written in history as Heroes for All Time.”

This is the history Princess Emma memorizes from the day she is born, paraded about and presented only with the highest protection. The palace is a cage she wishes to escape, desperately. Not careful what wishes she made, Emma discovers history is written by the victors - The Dark One has an entirely different version of the events that took place.

Read on AO3 here.

Rated E for explicit themes, Mature situations, and Fae fuckery.

Written for @cssns

Ch 8 / ?? - In which a true apology is given

*** ARCHIVE WARNINGS VERY MUCH APPLY FOR THIS CHAPTER. PLEASE READ WITH DISCRETION.

The Darkness was roiling mad, a furious mass of thorns that exploded in his rib cage and up through his spine. It ripped threw his head, his shoulders tightening as it dug in like a macabre torture device of old. He kept trying to explain, trying to make it understand his reasoning, but it only howled like a wolf outside the sheep pen - 

YOU HAVE NO REASONING FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE, YOU STUPID MAN! 

She had to be well in order to fight long enough to survive for Nil; to not just hang herself while the Dagger melted silver down her clavicle. 

DO YOU NOT REMEMBER OUR JOINING, OUR PACT? HOW TO ACT WITH FINESSE, TO BREAK SOMEONE WITHOUT EXERTING PRESSURE, OR HOW TO PUSH THEM OVER THE EDGE? 

Calling for Alice and asking her to go to Emma's aid was a good thing strategically, and her actually appearing like some sort of fogged looking glass apparition he summoned was a blessing

YOU COULD HAVE FOLLOWED MY SIMPLE PLAN FOR YOU TO PUSH HER WHILE SHE WAS BREAKING! 

The voice changed in timbre and tone as it sometimes did, easily digging its points home. Killian could practically see his father, drunk and dismissive, shouting at Liam and beating them both bloody under one of the massive pines. The memory of watching Liam with a broken jaw as he went into his first year in the junior naval recruits was the one it dug its claws into, the Darkness fueling old anger and shame. 

YOU SAW HER HIDE FROM YOU, YOU COULD HAVE EASILY WORKED YOUR WAY UNDER HER SKIN AND GOTTEN HER FOLLOWING YOU TO NIL. YOU COULD HAVE EVEN PRESSED FOR THE SHARD, IF SHE WAS TRULY AT HER WIT'S END - INSTEAD YOU TRIP OVER YOUR TONGUE LIKE A BOY! AN IMBECILE! 

It pressed him, but he was not weak. He could crush his father ten times over now if the bastard wasn't dead, and no one could get under his skin again. Certainly not some crying woman, especially the daughter of an enemy, and such a valuable card to hold in play if he wanted to be free. Maybe he had told Alice too much about his worries over Emma, while Robyn watched with bewildered dismay. Maybe he blurted how she was acting, and they thought that he was showing weakness or worry. Imagined of course, there was nothing - 

SHE BEWITCHES YOU INTO SYMPATHETIC STUPOR, SHE FILLS YOU WITH IDEAS OF REDEMPTION YOU DO NOT DESERVE, YOU ARE SO CLOSE TO YOUR REVENGE, OUR REVENGE, AND YOU FAIL ME. I MUST PUNISH YOU, I MUST HURT YOU. 

He braced himself; the pain of broken bones as he folded into himself was enough to make him wish for true death. 

I WISH YOU WERE DEAD, FREEING MYSELF FROM YOUR INEPTITUDE WOULD BE A BLESSING WELL MET WITH YOUR DEATH. 

They both knew it was fruitless, the idea impossible while the dagger was still broken. He would survive the pain, and the Darkness would greet him in its vengeance without fail. With eyes closed tightly, he braced himself for what was to come. 

Instead of pain, though, it cackled, and Killian felt more fear than before. 

Oh yes, feel that fear, Dearie. No more physical pain for today. You mentioned strategy - I have a strategic plan for you, regarding a fitting punishment; the sort worthy of this sort of betrayal. You've been misbehaving without consequences too long now, your leash forgotten. Do you remember when you failed to stop Snow Margueryte and her Charming? Do you remember how I tormented you for your failure? 

Killian shook his head in horror. Not that. 

Oh yes, that. It's time for your nightmare. I'll provide you mercy and heal you first… Be patient, for when I'm done we'll begin my favorite game with you. We haven't played in such a long time… 

His bones began to knit back together, cracking into place noisily and sloppily. Emma's voice suddenly echoed into his chamber, breaking through the Darkness' cackling. 

"Dark One!" She was blazing with rage and light magic, Killian barely able to stand upright at her advance. The Darkness felt licks of her fury strike, its yowls of pain as it hid itself away a bitter requiem of relief. 

Killian gritted his teeth as he adjusted his frame to lean against the wall, his body still healing slowly even as the Darkness exited. "Princess?" he rasped. 

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" she shrieked; he thought she might move to strike him, to hear the venom with which she spat the question out. "You went through Ariel? Through Alice and Robyn? Through Eric and Marta? Did you think that I would not find out immediately or that they would not tell me of your attempt at deceit? What information did you hope you could squeeze from them while I was dealing with the consequences of my failures? You already know all of them, what could you possibly use against me now?"

He winced, and not all from pain. A vague guilt that had a name - remorse perhaps? 

“That wasn't the reason, I didn't - I wanted to -"

"I don't want anything to do with you. How many times do I have to -" Emma's magic hit him again, his corroded mind practically melting as her magic burnt the Darkness where it attempted to remain stuck to his bones. His knees wobbled. 

"Emma, I just need you to know -" 

Emma interrupted as he tried to take a breath, sweat beading on his forehead. "No. No, you don't need me to, you want me to. Big difference, buddy, and I have a choice in whether or not I listen. I don't want to listen."

His voice sounded small to his own ears. "I just want to know that you're okay."

Emma laughed, her eyes wild and teeth bared. "You know that I'm okay, that I am just dealing with a war, deaths, betrayals, figuring out who to trust and who isn't a monster. You've known I was alright since I left you, since I didn't come back - it's you who isn't alright. You’re scared. I don't blame you for it either; I can't imagine how it must feel to be unable to make your own choices, but I am not and cannot be your crutch. Find someone else."

Nodding, he scrubbed his face, and then carded his hand through his hair. "I thought - Never mind. Please just - You'll have to take care of yourself to survive. Keep yourself safe, and the shard; talk to Ursula and Ariel, alright? I was - I thought they might be concerned for you, and I am sorry for bothering them. And you. That's all. Nothing else."

Marta poked her head in, clearing her throat. "Uh, Killian. Ursula has a ship ready for you, and she's requested that you leave immediately. I've offered to go with you part of the way to make sure you don't do anything else untoward."

Emma snorted, spitefully. "Thanks Marta. Sorry you got the short straw."

Marta sighed. "Princess, do you need me to -" 

"I'm fine," Emma snapped. "Just about done here." Marta gave a nod, taking her leave. 

"I'm going to leave then," Killian said.

"Good. If we never meet again it will be too soon."

"If it means anything, I'm glad you are safe. I'm glad the shard is safe. I am glad you are with people who can help you, and who are… good at protecting you. I don't - you don't have to worry if they are trustworthy, and they won't fail you. Goodbye, Princess."

"Farewell, Dark One." 

He walked in a daze to the place where his ship waited, uncaring and unaware of the Selkies booing him, the food and trash thrown at him, of Ursula, Eric, Ariel, Alice, and Robyn watching his trek out of the caves with Emma. He stared, Eric and Ariel openly glaring, Robyn giving him the same squinted look of confusion that she had previously, and Alice too busy talking to Emma. 

To distract her from him. A dull heaviness pushed down on his shoulders, weight settling in his stomach. 

Marta was already waiting for him on the ship, a look of pity for him on her face. "Ready?" she inquired softly. He nodded, and they drew anchor. The ship moved through the calm water, everything quiet as they departed, including the voices that made up the Darkness. 

The portal out was a one way exit, the ship's wheel in his hands a steadying comfort. They caught the breeze, leaving the tranquility of the underwater oasis and sailing off the proverbial edge of Ursula's world to land in stormy waters. 

He had to blink a few times as a bright green bolt of blinding lightning cracked in the heavens. The storm was massive, and he followed its course along the horizon, seeing an armada skirting a hurricane before it hit something unseen, the clouds breaking apart. Killian ran to the stern, Marta joining him with a hand over her mouth. 

Ursula's caves flickered into view, appearing like a great bubble from the sea floor by some otherworldly force. As the caves crested the surface, the protective forces that had been shielding the caves broke with a resounding force, the huge crash as they struck the surface to sink again sending a shockwave through the water. Their ship pitched back and forth as they held steady to her moorings; the water had become a roiling mess of waves from the magic radiating off of the fleet in the distance. Green lightning struck the water all around it, and even from their distance Killian could see floating carcasses and the mass of birds seeking carrion, the water a sickly olive color. The storm began again, and Killian brought the spyglass in his pocket to his eye to examine the strangest fleet of mismatched ships Killian had ever seen, and tethered at its front was the cause of this destruction - King of the Merfolk, the previous King of the Sea: Ursula's brother, Triton. 

Shuddering in disbelief of the King's fate, even if deserved, Killian tried to map and count the plan of attack from their positions. Frigates, sloops, and even a few galleons were interspersed with metal rusting boats in styles Killian had never seen. The largest was something Elsa had called a barge, and it led the ships as the storm beat around them, the towering man with a large, dirty, grey beard at the lead. Focusing with a twist, he surveyed Triton further. The partial God was bruised and emaciated, held by a golden collar around his neck that linked to the barge with its towering blocks of rectangular metal boxes. Following the chain from the man’s collar to a raised dais that lay on a deck, Neal lounged nearby in a windowed observation level, looking bemused. Triton was under the control of the prince, his powers controlled by Nil's desire to possess Emma. 

But they would never, never get through to Ursula - 

Triton waved a large trident around, and the storm sparked with green and purple electricity. Ursula's secret realm lurched into view again as he spun the weapon with skill, before it sunk below in another huge crash. Their ship creaked ominously as the waves sent them flying. Triton bellowed loudly, making Marta whimper next to Killian. 

"We have to go back," Marta whispered, watching Killian close the spyglass. 

"Go back? For what, the pleasure of being ripped apart by Goblins and a demi-god? She doesn't want me there, what good -" 

Marta slapped him hard, changing from a highborn prim matron to the visage of a livid sorceress. 

"Stop thinking about yourself for one damned minute, you narcissistic clam! Even if that is the Darkness in you, recognize that this is bigger than you or your princess - my friend and my people are about to be slaughtered. I know what you did. I know how you exploded over that fleet like some sort of comet, and how you screamed the entire time begging for forgiveness. I was there in the water, before and after. I watched you kill those men, I saw them die; it took days to get the blood out of my pelt. Are you really going to let that happen again? Even if they aren't your people?"

Remembering the Darkness and its threat of reliving his worst nightmares, Killian paused. A spark lit his chest into a blaze. 

"If you wanted to die so badly, you could not have chosen a more reckless bastard willing to assist." He turned the ship, heading straight towards Triton and the Goblin fleet. 

What are you doing?! 

Killian felt the Darkness wake again, still weakened. Reading his thoughts, it quieted at the promise of a battle, the idea of any sort of confrontation too delicious to push back against. It acquiesced to his intended course, lending strength that made Killian grin ferally. 

They had just passed where the portal had spit them out when he heard the noise of another ship close by, only slightly behind. It caught up with them in an instant, and he had to blink; the silhouette was so familiar, the way it glided through the water as if it flew, almost like the Jewel but not quite - 

The thought was obliterated as Emma came into view on the deck, her hair whipping around her scowling face. 

  *✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ

  "Get her out of here. This place is about to be a war zone if they manage to pit Ursula against Triton," Marta yelled at Emma's vessel, pointing to where Triton moved the water in huge eddies, the sea opening up and closing. 

Ariel yelled back, obviously frustrated and pointing at Emma. "We told her that, she -" 

"This is what Emma wants to do! We need to help Ursula, and we need to help your father, so why are you so oblivious you twit?" Alice marched toward Ariel, pointing, no longer soft spoken. 

"Of course I want to save my father, but how the hell is she going to help when she isn't even in her right mind!" Ariel spat, before regret played across her features. "Emma, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that in the way -" 

Alice and Robin cut off Ariel, though their words were lost to a forceful gust of wind. Alice looked livid, gesturing at Ariel to the point that Eric had stepped in and tried to separate them. Emma looked frozen in place, opening her mouth to say something, but thought better of it and retreated. Killian caught her eye, but she just looked through him, and instead jumped when thunder boomed over their heads.

Wind ripped at their own sails, Marta running to the front of the ship as Killian raced toward the back, glancing over to see Emma's sleeker vessel roll in the waves. The storm itself seemed concentrated around them suddenly, growing in ferocity. Massive waves, fueled by Triton’s powers, drew up shipwrecks that crashed into their vessels, jostling the princess and sending Eric to the wheel to frantically steer. Ariel was red with rage, screaming at Alice and Eric, while Emma tried to get their attention. 

Killian yelled at them to stop, but they only pointed their shouts at him, rain now pouring down on them like the sky had opened. 

Emma let out a scream of frustration, and Killian could see it before it happened, moving with a rope in his hand as he threw back the last of the vial in his pocket, jumping into the water only moments after Emma lost her balance and flew over the side. 

  *✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ

  "Stop fighting, it's making the storm - " Emma shouted, but it was drowned out over the roar of waves, the downpour, and the brawl. A wave tore at her, and she was thrown roughly to the deck, her hand catching a rope for support. The wind whipped the rigging skyward, her cuff falling away as she flew off the planks and into the ocean. 

The water hit her full on, taking her breath away. She scrambled for the cuff, realizing too late it was lost in the sea. The dark water was freezing, crushing her in the indeterminate up and down. In a panicked moment she tried to summon the cuff, and when her magic simply sputtered, she tried to conjure air. No bubbles formed around her, her magic strained or weakened by Nil's influence on the sea. Fighting against the current left the air in her lungs burning, but she could not give in. A life of no more sky was how all of her nightmares seemed to end: here in the silence of drowning, in a life with Nil, or surrounded by darkness that was too alive. What would her mother say? Her father? With their fiercest faces on, speaking of honor and hard won peace - 

"We never give up in this family, Emma. We always find another. Good always wins."

Now she wanted desperately to ask at what cost? At what cost did good win, when this was good? Good should not be having to struggle, banished from a realm for no more reason than hatred, locked away forever or until you could be of use, punishments that were cruel and unusual - that wasn't good winning. 

That cost didn't need to be paid when there were so many other paths available. If only they had sought wisdom, if they had reached out and tried to see what might be good for all… Emma wished that she could have helped them do better, that maybe if she wasn't drowning, if they weren't imprisoned, if the weight of what they built hadn't come crashing down, they all could have changed things. 

Her eyes blurred and bright spots burst in her vision. Blackness closed in, her magic dampened, embracing the beginning of the end, until a hand grabbed her own. It pulled hard, tearing through the water. A blue light came from somewhere in the dark, but when she reached for it Emma felt her legs touch a tail, hand tingling from shock. There was no way it was him; Ariel was right that she had lost her mind, this was just some strange vision before she would wake in her bed. Arms wrapped tightly around her, pulling her upwards, trying to beat the water that leaked into her mouth and nose, and there were his eyes, like he actually - 

Landing on hard wood with a thud, she could dimly hear voices of concern, but mostly she could see a soaking wet Killian looking down at her in fear. Emma coughed, choking on water as he watched her, breathing in harshly himself and falling back to his elbows. Too weak to move away from him and much weaker still to try to ask why, she stared at him in angry confusion. 

"You really need to stop drowning around me," he said in explanation, wiping wet hair away from his face, as if it meant nothing. "It's a terrible way to go, and I have made it abundantly clear that I will not let you."

Emma couldn't help the laughter that bubbled out of her at the absolute absurdity of everything, the hurt in her chest from the lack of oxygen, and how much hatred she wanted to feel even though she could not summon it. 

"I'll try and keep that in mind. Thank you," Emma whispered with as much annoyance as she could muster. Killian cracked a cheeky grin, and Emma felt the urge to punch him rise. 

"Emma, I'm so sorry. We realized that you were gone after he was jumping off the other side after you - " Alice rapidly began, before crushing Emma in a hug. The rest of her friends gathered, the storm calming around them on both ships. 

There was a loud splintering crack as more of Ursula's realm was pulled from hiding. Goblins threw ropes at the caves, climbing like spiders into the network of tunnels as Selkies launched their own bare defenses until they were dragged out in nets. 

A massive tentacle broke from the water, smacking hard against Triton as Ursula pushed free into the onslaught. Ariel gasped, and Marta began frantically pacing the deck. 

"What do we do?" Marta asked. Everyone turned towards Killian, who looked at his feet. 

"Don't look at me," he snapped, pointing to Emma. "The princess here does a far better job at improvisation methods. Ask her, she's your leader."

Emma blinked, staring at Killian with a suspicious glare. She thought for a moment, pushing past everything that had happened, her fears evaporating as she moved into planning. 

"We help Ursula, and we help the Selkies. Eric will pilot to Ursula, while some of us take the other ship and destroy what we can of Nil’s armada." She spoke calmly, delegating tasks quickly and methodically cycling through what they would need. "Ursula needs more time to try and get her denizens all out, so we need to make any sort of distraction we can. We can draw them away or at least split their forces if he knows I'm here."

"That is a terrible - " Ariel began, but Emma stopped her with a harsh tone. 

"If you have nothing better to offer, Ariel, I don't want to hear it."

Ariel managed to look shocked, before swallowing with a nod. "Let's free my father."

They split as a group, Emma giving Marta a solemn nod when they turned away to head towards Nil, Eric steering their ship straight into the formation. Killian forced his way between two ships in the rear, blending in easily, using their mix of styles to his advantage. It wasn't until the the first ship lay silent and burning that any attack looked like it was taking place. At least he could do this; maybe they could do this and for once take a victory. 

Marta steered hard into a barely held together wooden sloop. Alice and Robyn wreaked chaos with strange smoke bombs detonated by arrows while Killian lit sails on fire, the Goblins seemingly not understanding why liberally leaving petrol around could be a problem. The armada's wooden ships burned hot in the water, making the storm even eerier, green lightning mixed with the bright reds of the flames creating barriers for any course direction. It was clear that the Goblins were not familiar with any Naval strategy, and Emma felt a small surge of hope. Eric had a steady hand as he watched Ariel create portals, shutting them around longer vessels when they were halfway through with screeching crunches. 

The Goblin fleet took notice, but Nil made no move for Emma as their ship took fire. Eric and Ariel disappeared onto a steel boat with a claw like contraption while Emma tried to magic herself onto another ship’s deck without success. Her hands trembled, sparks finally lighting and sending her sprawling on a shiny silver floor surrounded by huge containers stacked on each other. A Goblin stared at her in confusion before she lunged, plunging her sword into its chest out of instinct. The Goblin fell with a thud, and Emma began to run. These ships were long and easy to cross. Her mind was made up to get to Nil before he could get to the Selkies. 

Killian appeared in the middle of the last surviving holdout of metal barges, pursued as he jumped across a row of metal containers above Emma while she herded a group into the space below. The Goblins above carelessly knocked containers down in a tumble, burying her pursuers. Emma met his eyes briefly, giving him a nod.

They continued through the maze of metal on opposite sides of each other, flowing into an easy strategy together that made her angrier still at Nil - angry that she could possibly consider working again with the Dark One. It was too simple to fall back into their unfriendly truce. The thought had barely crossed her mind when the wood under her feet splintered and bowed, her feet slipping as the barge tipped forward, barreling towards the sea floor. The impact of the hull against the rocky ground sent her flying, the noise alone reverberating through her teeth like she was shattering as the rocks came towards her at frightening speed. 

The same black blur as before pushed her into swirling water. The force of the whirlpool crushed them both, but her hand crushed his even harder while he pulled upward. Water resettled again as they gasped for air together at the surface, Killian’s hair sticking flat against his face. The water was full of debris and flame, smoke making it impossible to see much of anything. Ships ground together all around them as he helped her cling to a chunk of wood. It was in both of their best interests for her to be alive and uninjured, but here he was playing some sort of savior that went far beyond the bounds of their truce. He was behind her, at her side, or in sync with her step, both of them working together with an ease as if they were partners, and yet that’s not what they were. It made her angry, furious even, even in the midst of battle. 

"Killian, what - " But before she could finish, she was forced to push him frantically out of the way as a huge chunk of a rock formation fell, the resulting force smacking them together. "Look out, go!" 

More rocks fell around them and cut through the smoke, Ursula's lair appearing again to all as its protective shields flickered to a shuddering halt, the walls looming over them as it hurtled downwards again towards the sea floor. One of the main chambers swallowed them as the lair descended, pushing water aside as it split around them, crystals raining down in sparkling pieces. Caught in the push back of the water, they were pulled with the mass of rock as it fell away and began settling into the bottom of the sea. The force of the ensuing wave, however, pushed them back up and over the surface, Emma's back smacking against what was once the cave floor. The two pieces were still crumbling, but now sat horizontally in the water to create an invisible shoreline made of stone. Emma had little time to acknowledge where she landed, the wind escaping her lungs when she tried to shriek and shield her body from another round of the boulders. Killian pulled her into a roll, ending up above her breathing heavily. 

"G'off - " Emma let out a panted breath from under him, weakly protesting at his weight. "Catch your breath, and g'off!"

Killian rolled off of her onto his back, letting out puffs of air as he did. 

"Sorry," he rasped, and finally pushed his hair out of his face with a wet slap. Emma let out a laugh, regretting it instantly as she coughed. 

"S'alright." Propping herself upright on her elbows, she quickly glanced around the cave fragment where they had washed up, now its own small island in the turmoiled sea. Standing and peering around the cracked rock, her breath caught again. 

Ursula's realm was broken into pieces around the remaining ships, cracked and jagged mountains of what was once the cave jutting out of the water. The piece they were sequestered on was at the outer edge, so obscured by smoke that they could not see Ursula at all until Triton's first blow landed and swept the billowing clouds away. 

The brother and sister stood in the water in front of Nil's barge, both of them colossal and struggling against each other’s strength as Ursula's tentacles wrapped around the trident. Nets were thrown towards what was left of the caves, dragging selkies into a cargo hold, the water carrying sounds of distress to her ears. Emma slipped through the crack, running towards the water, but there he was in her peripheral, because of course he was. Of course he would stalk her even in the middle of a battle - 

"Don't you dare tell me not to do this, not to do something - " Emma hissed, putting more distance between them. He stood slightly in front of her, but made no move to stop her. 

"I wasn't going to," Killian replied with a sideways glance, following slightly behind when she pushed past. "Do you have a plan?" he asked when they got closer, nets hauling in screaming women and seals. 

"Get the Selkies out and turn Nil's focus fully on me so that Ursula can free Triton. Nil doesn't care about his people or how many die; he will only notice if a new plaything is put in front of him. I don't know how much time Ursula needs, but that's my last resort plan."

"I have a plan, and it should buy you time if you - " 

"Trust you again?" She whirled on her heel back towards him. "That's below even my last resort plan. I will never - " 

"I've betrayed you, and I understand that you owe me nothing, Em - Princess, but I swear to you now that I give you my fealty. I swear on Milah, Liam, and Elsa that I will be your ally, and help you in this war. Take a leap of faith here, please, I promise you that - " She turned away. Killian tried to follow, but she held up a hand. 

"Shut the hell up, Killian. Just stop. Please." Her voice wavered slightly, and he halted behind her. Seeing him look actually admonished, actually concerned as he pushed wet hair away from his face, Emma lowered herself into the water. 

"Fair enough." He whispered.

"By the way," her shoulders tightened, though she didn’t bother to glance at him, "if you're really sorry, truly apologetic even in some part of you that can still muster that emotion, a true apology would be changed behavior. Which is why if I am faced with you and Nil as my options, I will take this dagger shard to the bottom of the sea. I’d rather die than pick either of you."

"I am - " 

"I don't care, Killian. Thank you for your help here, and thank you for saving my life. It does not change anything."

Emma propelled herself forward into one of the nets, leaving him behind again. It dragged her and several frightened Selkies up over a deck, depositing them into some sort of holding cage. Emma moved quickly, cutting through the ropes with a knife that Ursula had given her. Handing it off to a nymph, Emma lifted herself from the floor with discarded netting, looking around to see what all was taking place.

Emma spotted Ariel in a corner, waving for her attention and pointing to a wall with a circling finger. She could make a portal; good - a quiet and easy way to get the Selkies to safety. Emma motioned to the groups of Selkies netted on deck, prioritizing those who were held down by Goblins or in view of the archers taking aim near the King's raised area. The first two attempts were straightforward, no Goblins milling around to stop them. The third was more harrowing, almost cut short by a Goblin's shrieking. Killian snapped its neck from behind as Emma braced herself for discovery, her eyes widening further when he ducked down and helped her cut through a heavy cord that bound the Selkies. They split apart again, the last groups too close to the front and at risk of being directly under a rain of archers. There was a shadowy section of boxes that she could dip behind for cover, but without the archers’ eyes distracted, it would be impossible to get to. Killian signaled from a corner, ducking behind a tarp when a patrol went by. 

Emma stayed still in the hold, pleading with her eyes, trying to tell him that she needed only a little time. He gave her a slight downcast smile, almost a grimace but not quite, and sprung from hiding. Slashing and hacking at a set of Goblins to provide a distraction as she ran to cut the last nets, he made his way toward the front of the huge metal ship until Nil bellowed. Nil pointed one of his gnarled fingers at Killian, eyes widening in recognition as his face turned from anger, to a smile. He laughed, opening his hands and spreading his arms as if presented with an old friend. 

Watching with a sick feeling churning in her gut, she saw Killian bow lowly. To her great horror, his wide, crooked, grin was once again back. 

  *✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ

  The bow he gave was met by several Goblins overtaking him, beating him as they placed shackles on his arms and legs. They weighed heavily, burning against his skin. Iron. Of course it was iron; it was earth, after all. Goblins were right behind Dwarves with their affinity for earth magic, able to bend iron with ease. 

Nil walked towards him wearing a fur cape draped over his shoulders that sparkled in the dim light. Killian could see that it was a poorly crafted blend of Merscale, Selkie pelts, and varying Ansapi skins. Even despite Nil’s garish and disgusting costuming, Killian saw the faintest glimpse of Milah in the man's unsure eyes. Then, the Goblin smiled broadly, and any trace of her was wiped away. 

"You made it!" Nil bellowed, seemingly overjoyed as his guard looked on in confusion, ignoring the lifeless bodies that lay around the ship and its strange cargo pillars, marking Killian’s path. 

Killian struggled slightly, testing his bonds as they seared the flesh. "Certainly did," he hissed. 

"Where is my Queen? My radiant bride-to-be and future submitting wife?" Nil practically sang. Killian could see his mouth was wet, the too long tongue in his mouth slick with salivation. 

Killian suppressed the disgust that threatened to spill over at the prince’s language. 

The Darkness caressed his bones, tickling gently under his skin. 

Tell him. Do it. End this. 

Killian set his jaw, thinking of Emma's hand on the barrier she had created in the woods, the way her brows had pinched and lips had turned down. She had trusted him briefly, even going so far to say that he had good inside of him when she first forgave him, and to say she wished him peace when she left. 

There had been a moment when she hesitated before going into the portal, thought about looking back at him, and he had hated her for almost forgiving him again. He had hated her for so much more than her slender shoulders had ever had to bear, blamed her for so much; he’d even told her in no uncertain terms that she should suffer as Milah had. And still, she was here, looking at him with those eyes that he couldn't escape. 

No no no, you listen to me, only to me. I am your master, you are my hound to beat when it fails to bring me my kills! No, NOW LISTEN, LISTEN. END THIS. 

He couldn't stop thinking of the anger and relief when she spoke his name again upon seeing him before Ursula, the way she had dismissed him instead of making him grovel like she should have, demanding her pound of flesh for what he had put her through. The way she was glancing at him now with apprehension and fear. 

She is a weakling, full of uncontrolled emotions and too much trust that has led to her ruin. Go on, stop stalling! Hurry, hurry now, we can get the shard and - 

And giving her to Nil would end with nothing more than misery for not only her, but anyone who stood in the Goblins’ way - Royals and Fae like Marta, or the numerous scattered Fae that refused a crown once before - 

“Well?” Nil asked, laughing raucously.

Well? Give him the princess, you blithering simpleton - 

Killian cleared his throat, preparing himself. "She's dead."

What!? 

"I must have misheard you, Dark One," Nil chuckled dangerously. "Say again?" 

Yes, say AGAIN? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? END THIS. 

The Darkness tried to force its words onto his tongue, but he would not let her forgiveness by dismissal be in vain. 

ENDTHISENDTHISENDTHISENDTHISENDTHISENDTHISENDTHISENDTHISENDTHISENDTHISENDTHISENDTHISENDTHISENDTHISENDTHIS END THIS, GIVE HER UP 

"She's dead; she ran from me weeks ago. I found her body in a ravine, the shard dissolved to ash. I will never be freed." He spoke as bitterly as he could, channeling the hatred easily. 

"What?" the Goblin Prince screamed, enraged. "She is strong willed and has a bite to match that delectable bark, so she cannot be dead. She is like my own stolen mother, and destined for her blood to strengthen the throne. No, she cannot be dead."

You won't buy her time with this, you fool! This is inevitable, she is his and will be his like your whore was his father's. You must get the shard - 

"I assure you, she is. Even in death, she made it difficult. The ravine was deep and absolutely bloody terrible to climb into. I can't imagine falling down it was anything even she could have survived."

You will suffer for this. 

"Good," Killian whispered, mostly to himself. Emma looked at him from the remains of the net, where the Selkies were now freed from their confines. She motioned for him to stop, but he shook his head, wet strands of the shaggy mess sticking to his forehead. The Goblin Prince paced, before taking deep breaths and turning again to face Killian. 

"Then why have you come here, slaughtered my fleet, and created chaos? I've heard about your glory under my father. Did you really come here empty handed to tell me you're untethered?" Nil attempted to sound amused, but the desperate edge was heavy in his tone. There was no control there, just an angry brat brashly striking out at everyone. 

Killian put on a pedantic smile, causing Nil to immediately start shifting in his place like a child. "Why wouldn't I? I only create chaos, and with no master that means I can strike against you too. Your damnable father may not be here, but I can still hurt you," he drawled, a bit of The Darkness in his voice for finesse. 

What are you doing, what ARE YOU DOING? 

"Then you're useless to me. It's lucky I don't believe you." Nil smiled with a menacing edge. "We'll just leave you here for safekeeping until I can verify this unfortunate and convenient tragedy. My betrothed is a beautiful specimen and so strong, it's hard to believe she isn't ferreted away somewhere. Her tenacity knows no bounds, yet again like my beloved Mother. I love that fighting spirit, she will make a strong future king, as it is written." Walking to a large flat piece of iron and picking it up from the floor, the sheet rolled like paper in his glowing hands until it crafted into a large curved spike.  

There was a sharp pain in his chest as the U bend of the makeshift iron anchor broke through the skin of his back, cracking ribs. Killian groaned, falling back, but Nil was there, standing on top of the iron contraption and pushing it deeper. Pushing the other side of heavy iron through his ribcage, Killian felt the air escape his lungs in a choking rasp, forcing him to double over, while Nil gave him a hard push into the sea. 

You've killed us both you fool. I hope you're happy. 

"We don't die. I'm content to lie at the bottom of the sea if that means another does not have the same fate as Milah. I meant what I said."

You will know true agony for this. Your insolence has been a problem, but this? This you will suffer for; this you will know true pain for. 

"Aye, I'm sure of it. For now, enjoy the water for the both of us."

The dark pressure seemed endless, and the pain was constant, but it cleared his thoughts. Killian of the Blackwater, left to sit in the blackest depths forevermore. The Darkness writhed and cajoled and raged, but nothing it did could disturb his peace, the idea of penance weighing heavier than the cold, deep nothingness. 

He wondered if this was what Liam felt. The thought didn't hurt him this time. 

The anchor dragged along the sand at the bottom, drawing another sound that escaped in bubbles. More pain burned through him as his lungs filled with water. Stars lit behind his eyes, bright pops of color flashing in time with the stabs of pain. Hours passed like this, his thoughts just as full with briny water as he tried not to think about how long this torture would continue. A firework lit in his mind as the anchor hit a rock, sending reverberating shocks through his body. He wished vainly for the darkness to take him instead of the bursts of brightness. 

But no, the light would not go away. It became a pinpoint, then a glow that was warmer and more comforting than anything he thought he would know, growing to spread through him. He cracked open his eyes to see what he thought was a fierce angel, or quite possibly a nymph or siren, who swam before him encased in bright sunshine shimmers of light with a halo around her head and wearing Emma’s face. 

There was no mockery, for which he thanked the heavens; she simply lifted him, felt the iron, and dropped him suddenly. Tentacles wrapped around the thickest bend of the molded metal, wood crashing around them as the strange suction cup dotted arms yanked. Then, the weight in his chest loosened and he was flying, finally free. It was too much; he flew too high and too fast, falling just as quickly, his eyes shut tightly. 

He fell on something hard, forcing him to cough up water as he raised himself on his side. Soft hands pushed hair out of his face, and something warm crashed into him against where the iron had been. He groaned as whatever it was that had settled against him. A person? When he let out a breath, the person - yes, it was definitely a person - began hitting him.

They stopped suddenly, and after no other smacks came for several moments he opened his eyes to see Emma staring back at him with worry, concern, and anger filling her own gaze. 

"You fucking idiot!" she screamed. "You -" 

"You know that I can't die, right? I'm a survivor.” 

"You still… Even if… If you had been hurt, hurt worse than this I mean, I… Why did you do that? I had a plan, and you - you bought us so much more time, I should have let you - I should have trusted - We couldn't have done this without you, I just…" Emma swiped at her eyes. "Why would you, you absolute…" 

Trying to sit up and practically toppling them both, he groused wryly at her noise of concern. "Maybe I just needed reminding that I could be on the hero's side, or maybe I knew you would never let me get off that easy and without yelling at me, you stubborn - " 

Emma hit him lightly again, her voice laced with strained amusement and lessening terror. "Don't move. Just stop, don't move, you arrogant ass."

"Princess, you deprive me of a dashing rescue, and then add insult to injury - "

"Emma. Please, I…" She straightened her shoulders and began to laugh, his grin at her not helping. Her voice cracked when she tried to start talking, and though she cleared her throat, she could not hide the tremble. "I think, Emma is just fine. Or I quite liked when you called me Swan." 

"Hey, hey now," he soothed, and when he laid a hand on her cheek she turned her face into his palm, holding her own hand against his. Emma couldn't hold back a shaky breath as a few tears escaped, and he pulled her tightly to him. "Hey. Don't cry. I'm the one who was gravely injured. It was about time you saved me from almost drowning, even though I technically cannot. We'll count it as one to three, with me in the lead. You can't steal that too, Swan." 

Her hiccupping laugh and weak wristed smack made him snort. The wound in his back closed, the Darkness ever keeping him alive, even as it still stopped short of his hand. Finally, Killian allowed himself to look around. They were on an old style ship, a light fleet frigate possibly, with no one else in sight. It felt vaguely familiar, but so did simply being at sea. Emma shuddered against him, cold and most likely exhausted as he pressed her for details. 

"What happened to Nil's armada?" 

"Your claim that I was dead caused the Goblin Prince to throw a full-on tantrum, leaving his own ship by portal. The mages he left in charge couldn't control Triton when whittled down in numbers. By the time Nil came back with his father, Triton was free, Ursula was laying waste to anything with Goblins on board, and the Selkies were free and trying to heal their wounded while regrouping. Ursula threw us on this ship after we looked for you, and the two of them destroyed Nil’s entire armada. Nil escaped through a portal at the last second, though. I watched through your telescope." Emma blushed lightly, pulling away from him. "Ursula said this ship will mean something to you, but I don't recognize it other than it being the one we used today. It's sort of a hodge-podge of Mer-craftsmanship; a frigate, speed sloop, galleon, and tall ship all crammed together. The base and bunks seem to be mostly the galleon? It's that ship Eric pulled out of the water before -"

"Liam's ship," he breathed. "My ship."

"I thought yours was The Jewel of the Realm? This one says something about being Jolly." She pointed over the edge, and he joined her to peer over. In sloppy carved graffiti, some sea dwelling mer-miscreant had replaced the clean script of the Fae Navy with 'The Jolly Roger'. 

Killian couldn't find it in himself to be angry, instead laughing as he crossed to the stern, feeling the same breeze that his brother and he had felt, the sea immediately calming him. Emma had only made this all the better, expending any magic she hadn't used drying their supplies and the ship's hold. Once waterlogged books filled with his brother's notes were crisp and clean, and a patina worn sextant looked almost like new on a pristine desk. Opening a trunk, he found naval uniforms pressed for a day's work, closing the lid after running his fingers over the brass buttons and fringed epaulets on the shoulders. 

Then there were the other ships, the pieces of other wrecks merged to what was his, that made up the crooked interior, filled with casks and casks of glorious rum. 

He created a small fire in the tiny galley, heating it with the butter they had left, still in Ingrid's strange plastic pastel container, before joining Emma on the deck with two cups as she arranged blankets. 

"How's your hand?" Emma asked, watching him settle. 

He gave a shrug, trying to mask the fire coursing through his bent fingers. "S'fine." 

He took a heavy swig, the rum doing nothing to help the pain in his hand. Emma rolled her eyes and crawled beside him, taking his cold palm in hers. "Which means 'it hurts' in High Killian. You're truly a terrible liar."

"The Goblin believed me when I told them you were dead." 

"Barely, and I mean, case and point." Emma smirked, her magic glowing softly. 

Killian barked out a laugh, and her magic spread, his hand stopping its searing throbs. He sighed in relief, and picked up a steaming mug. 

"Any idea where we're off to?" he asked. Emma sighed wearily. 

"I haven't had much more that a moment while you looked around yourself, but I believe we’re in this general vicinity." She spread out a large map that he had not noticed, unrolling it and pinning it down with a few stones she must have found in Liam's collection. Amethyst and a chunk of bismuth glittered at each corner. Emma pointed with the ends of a navigational compass to a location in the blue defined area she had made a circle around. "The stars aren't great right now, but I remember them well enough to find the cardinal points. There was a current map where I found this, and based on the stars and our speed, I think this is our trajectory if we're seeking the closest shore to land on." She tapped a small speck on the map with the compass, some unmarked island. 

Killian raised an eyebrow, remarkably impressed. "You know marine navigation?" 

Emma shrugged, with a teasing smile playing on her lips. "Even a proper noblewoman needs hobbies."

"I'm beginning to believe that you aren't the most proper of noblewomen, Swan."

"My reputation is ruined, you'll have to seek out other debutantes to fill your season."

He was caught off guard by her quip, and laughed in surprise, her giggling joining his. He brushed a finger over one of her lines on the map. "This is going to take some time, if you're right. Have you been at sea for any length of time?" 

Emma shook her head, and sighed. "No. The sea wasn't a place for a princess." Her tone was sour, and she looked at him with the glint of irritation he'd begun to notice was present when she spoke about the ridiculous notions of the royals. 

"Well, now it seems it is." He gave her a wink, and her cheeks flushed a deep red, the rum seemingly warming her further. "We'll be in close quarters, especially with what a mess of mismatched parts below deck is. Stay off my toes, and we'll be fine."

Looking at him with a cocked head and an amused expression, she gave a mock salute while imitating his accent. "Aye aye, Captain, sir."

He grimaced, and downed his rum. The Darkness had quieted again, probably due to her close proximity and how her magic seemed to target it lately. 

Emma took another large swig of rum, her skin heating with a visible flush. Killian grinned at her, taking the mug down to pour more for them. When he handed it to her, she took another swig, seeming to savor the burn in her throat and warmth in her belly. Giggling, she let herself fall back onto the blankets they had laid across the deck. 

"The last time I was this drunk was when I kissed you," she laughed, rolling onto her side clumsily to look at him. "After we escaped Pann."

"You were much more drunk then," he laughed back before realization dawned on him. "Wait, you remember that?"

"Yeah, and you lying about it." Her grin was playful, and she laid her head down to hide half her face in the blankets. Killian felt his ears heat, and tried not to choke on anymore of the rum. "Why did you, anyway?"

"I didn't - it was obvious you were out of sorts, just…"

"Knackered? Foxed? Three shades to the wind?" Emma giggled, and when he didn't return the laugh she reached for him. "I didn't mean to upset you, I definitely shouldn't have done that. I mean, I don't regret it, because it was nice and you have nice lips and a nice face, and - " She rambled, and his eyebrow raised. She let out a groan and covered her mouth. 

"A drunken mind speaks a sober - " he chuckled awkwardly, Emma reaching to push him softly before he could finish the proverb. There was a part of him that felt strange, full of pride, while all at once wistful. 

"Shut up," she whined, her blush making her eyes more green. "We will never speak of this again."

"Not a word from my nice lips about it again, I swear it." Miming zipping his lips, Emma groaned once more, falling back into the blankets again while laughing. Her laughter, being out at sea, the rum - it was heady when mixed with the thought of the way she had felt. There was no way he could admit anything more than that to himself, let alone Emma. 

Later he checked her coordinates against the constellations, both of them looking at the stars and looking over the map by candlelight. Emma fell asleep as he began to work in silence and he coaxed her to take a pillow to lay her head on, the quiet snoring lasting for a few hours. 

She tossed and turned under the blanket, briefly scaring him with the suddenness of her flailing. 

"Emma? Are you alright?" 

"Don't touch me, please don't touch - " she startled awake, throwing her body away from his own. With hazy eyes filled with tears, Emma scrunched into her frame just as he saw her do within Ursula's realm, magic leaving her in waves. "Nil, no, please don't - "

The first few bursts of magic caught him off guard, hitting him squarely in the chest. The third he tried to roll away from as it hit his hip, the movement fully pulling her from the night terror. 

Her breathing was rapid and unsteady, as she murmured an apology, fingers twisting her hair. 

She looked exhausted, and Killian wondered again when the last time she had gotten proper rest was. Approaching carefully, he wrapped her in the blanket she had thrown off, helping her to stand. 

"Go sleep in the bunk. It will be more comfortable for you," Killian whispered, and Emma let him tuck a stray piece of her hair behind her ear, his skin meeting the softness of her cheek. He nodded to the hatch, helping her down the ladder until she closed the latch behind her. Sitting down on the deck to look over the maps again, he attempted to rub out the twinge in his chest that had begun to ache from where her magic had dealt its blows. 

  *✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ

  The dress for the evening of this ball is beautiful, and fits her like a glove as she twirls for her father. He's happier than she has seen him in a long time, eyes crinkled at the corners, watching her like she is the most important thing in the world as she shows him the intricate crystal work that glitters in the light. 

Her mother hugs her from behind, a rare warm gesture rather than the iciness that Emma is used to in their relationship, decorum and etiquette frowning on displays of affection. The green velvet of her mother's gown smells like moss, pine, sweet grass, and fresh snow as her mother rests her head on Emma's shoulder. 

Her father twirled her again, and they're at the ball. As unsure as she is what this party commemorates, the food and drink do not disappoint, nor does the selection of dance partners. A warm set of hands covers her eyes, and she can feel the press of a person against her back but it isn't unwelcome at all. Instead she feels the roughness of his palms, stubble against her neck, warm breath in her ear, and Killian’s voice. 

"I have a surprise for you, darling," he whispers, and Emma feels her stomach flip like it had once with Graham. To her surprise, she feels trust and a sense of peace that he is with her here, and grins at his gift. The music goes silent in the ballroom, along with the guests, as if a great breath has snuffed everything out. "No peeking now…" Killian’s hands fall away and she screws her eyes tightly shut. 

A finger traces her exposed spine, and she giggles, the nail sharp against her skin while feathers soften its trail. Although not completely unpleasant, it feels off the longer and further it goes, and she shivers as she leans away from the touch. The person behind her wraps their arms around her tightly, making it impossible to move while trailing their nails down her exposed skin. Emma struggles, and she feels a sickeningly familiar giggle rumble through the chest against her back. 

This wasn't Killian any longer. She keeps her eyes shut, trying to wish away the sour smelling breath against the junction of her throat. 

"Open your eyes, my beautiful wife, my queen to rival all queens. Open your eyes and behold my gift to you," Nil hisses, dragging his tongue along her shoulder blade. 

Despite trying to clench her eyes shut with everything in her power, they are forced open to the light of the ballroom, twinkling lights that briefly blind then illuminate the bodies on the patterned floor. Crimson puddles lay around the courtiers as they themselves laid too still, livery soaking up the blood. Emma lets out a cry, running and slipping in the pools, her skirts and slippers filling with wet warmth, the taste of copper on her tongue. 

Her parents slumped in their thrones, eyes and mouths open too wide, and Emma hears herself now as she chokes out moans, her voice too small but so loud in the silence that permeates in the absence of life. From behind her father's throne, Killian appears, his hands and face drenched in the same red that blooms from her parents necks while he wipes his sword on his waistcoat. 

His face contorts in a sinister grin that only widens when he catches her horrified gaze, his eyes flickering to the floor. His eyes that are terribly, and awfully sad. 

Emma turns back to Nil, his smile akin to Killian’s own, the dagger in his grip as Killian takes a place slightly behind him like a prostrate lap dog. Emma shakes her head, falling to her knees. 

"Do you not like my gift, my radiant queen? I wanted something that left an impression as your last sight before the Darkness of your new life begins." Nil cocks his head, moving to her to lift her chin. Emma feels tears stream down her cheeks. "You will learn to love the Darkness, just as you will learn to love me, and love what I have done for you. Come, wife. Come."

The ballroom disappears around her as the world goes black, the floor falling away to leave her tumbling into the abyss. She lands on a soft surface, hands scrambling to feel around and escape. Her arms tangle in silken sheets as pillows, down, and bedding seemed to hold her, realizing she's landed in a bed that is not her own. The bedding fabric tightens around her wrists and ankles, forcing her body into a prone position, forcing her into a vulnerable position, even as she struggles in the dark. A rustling catches her attention, her body tense as she tries to place where the noise came from. She could see nothing in the gloom, no matter how much she tried. Nil's voice slithered through the murk. 

"You're home now, my magnificent queen. Home and safely held, to get you acclimated to life here, to the absence of light." The sound of fabric falling to the ground came from her left, followed by dragging footsteps echoing across the space, Emma's breath coming in panicked gasps. 

She feels the creak of the bed near her feet, a knee against her calf as a feathered hand slid up her thigh. Emma pleads for him to stop, desperately trying to get away from his touch. 

Nil's voice is silky against her hip. "You'll get used to this too, not that I mind. Fighting makes a better future king."

Screams ripped from her throat and he pulled away, hissing at the noise. "Dark One! Hold her mouth silent!"

Killian appears through the darkness, leaning over her as she begs and pleads for this to stop. His eyes glow blue, and they are still so sad as his hand covers her mouth, muffling her voice. He looks close to tears, like he's breaking himself, his hand trembling against her lips while he tries to comfort her even as Nil returns to her thigh.

"Emma, I'm so sorry, Emma, shhhhh, please." The room grows brighter, his eyes are brighter and he is clenching his jaw in fury. Emma can feel the light coming back, but Nil's hands press on, too close to where they should never be, and her begging gets louder along with Killian’s voice right above her, "Emma, are you alright?" 

And no, she isn't, but the room is gone and he's saved her, eyes blue in her blurry vision - 

Waking up in terror after the rum had worn off, Emma had hoped for more sleep, but even the alcohol was unable to combat her nightmare on the deck. The dream continued to plague her, pieces of it making her breath catch until it fades. Killian was in her dreams more frequently since his return, both ambivalent and malicious in each turn. Killian had helped her down into those chambers, and although she still was slightly hazy, it was a welcome change. 

It was odd to be in the room of a person that had changed into a stranger inside his own skin, the remaining discarded bits of what was a life scattered in disarray. Lighting a candle, she looked at the open trunk and the uniform placed reverently over a desk chair, letting her fingers run along the buttons and brush the fringe of the epaulets. The books she had pulled earlier were still out, and she opened dog eared pages, surprised by the different sets of handwriting in the margins.

Sturdy, block text that reminded her of laws and bills that her parents had to sign underlined passages, while a flowery script poked fun at those footnotes. The flowery text seemed to enjoy more poetry and philosophy, which the block text had teased heavily. Based on what she knew, Liam and Killian respectively were the authors, Killian’s text much more chaotic and flamboyant. Another hand's script had joined later, letters beautiful and words softly pushed together. It wrote love notes in the corners, or bracketed passages, occasionally a watercolor picture left tucked neatly in the pages where they wrote paragraphs. Milah, Emma assumed. 

Killian had once painted, she discovered after finding a ribbon bound stack of his work. Pictures of Milah were his main focus, then the water, landscapes, and animals. His work was humorous and surreal on occasion too, and Emma wondered what that man had been like, before everything happened. He had been different then, and it made her feel anxious and vulnerable to wonder if that man was still buried somewhere within the tortured soul she now kept company with. 

Stripping to her shift to combat the last of summer's heat, she laid down on the bunk, surprised at the luxurious nature of the bedding. Here in the cabin, she could better hear the water, waves rocking the ship. Later, she heard his footfalls, opening her eyes briefly as he whispered that she was alright, stroking her hair gently. 

Emma could feel the remnants of the dream, the same as before and the same that had haunted her since she had found herself in Ursula's domain. He kept on with his soothing until the tension in her shoulders fell away, the traced patterns against her scalp in sync with the waves. The ghost of the old Killian still remained, she mused smiling sleepily, the one she could trust. She fell immediately back to sleep, resting for the first time in weeks and dreaming of home.