#'let me not become attached to beliefs i may not want'

[eamour]

a method guide ⋮ 2 ⋮

this is part two of my method guide! in this guide, i want to help you pick a method (or a few methods) that resonates the most with your way of manifesting and seems the most compatible with you.

which method suits you ?

subliminals ✿ you enjoy the feeling of "doing" something when manifesting a desire. you already like to spend time on youtube or other platforms with subliminals and enjoy the process of making (often aesthetically pleasing) playlists with subliminals for each desire. you like to organise your desires and think it’s the optimal way of getting your desires. most effective for people that just don’t like to affirm themselves and like to listen to asmr/music with affirmations in the background.

placebos ✿ you like to make your own rules. you think as the creator of your reality, you can make anything work in your favour. anything around you can help you achieve your goals faster and you make them serve you, whether they like it or not. it’s easy and also a lot of fun, as anything you do can be used as a way to manifest. most effective for people that like to come up with their own set of beliefs and don’t like to work with logical thinking.

the lullaby method ✿ similarly to sats, you like to manifest in a sleepy state of mind. you might also like to do other methods throughout the day, but affirming til you drift off to sleep seems like the easiest thing to do! you like to end your day by fulfilling yourself with affirmations to remind you that you already have your manifestation. most effective for people that have a hard time remaining in the state of the wish fulfilled in the awake state of mind. info: this method is very beneficial for revising certain events at the end of the day!

sats ✿ you like to manifest in a drowsy state. you may try other methods throughout the day but you like to visualise a certain scene in your mind that implies that you have your desire. after a long day, you want to just become one with your desire and experience it in your imagination. most effective for people that have a hard time remaining in the state of the wish fulfilled in the awake state of mind. info: this method is very beneficial for revising certain events at the end of the day!

the void method ✿ you like the intense shifting experience. every method eventually helps you to shift to/towards your desired state of mind, however, you like the feeling of being in a pitch black space like place with no body or the perception of your senses attached to you. you think it’s fun to enter the void, even if it’s not necessarily for the purpose of manifesting your desires. most effective for people that believe the void can help them shift easily and effortlessly to their desired reality in one night.

the pillow method ✿ you like to keep it simple. you like to write your desires on a piece of paper, put it under your pillow and go to sleep while setting the intention that you will get all of your desires noted on that paper by the next morning. similarly to scripting, you like to keep track of the things you are manifesting. most effective for people that like to "let go" and detach from their manifestation and like to think that "it’s done".

again, remember.

you can do any method, even if these descriptions don’t resonate with you. the reason i prepared this post is to guide people to a way of manifesting that resonates with them the most and also feels the most natural for them. because that‘s what manifesting is about! rising to the naturalness of consciousness of having or being the thing desired. and in order to do that, you shall feel natural about it. it’s up to you which method you want to try! if i was you, i would try each one and see which one (or how many) of them fulfill me the most. ♡

with love, ella,

[flcwermimi]

Is it true that if you go into the void state and revise or change something of your appearance or life, you'll wake up on another reality?

it actually makes sense, cause if you're not attached to any reality while you're in the void, then, wouldn't you shift to a reality where you have what you asked for?

Cause I've been sacred to go to the void and not coming back to my cr, and i dont want that to happen. I think that's what has me holding back and not be able to enter the void.

Hey girl trust me when I found out this I was confuse tf out of myself . I didn't wanted to Believe that " when we manifest something in void we shift reality"

So later I did reaserch on several platforms and it took so long to me to understand those 3D 4D 5D and all related to Shifting because nobody used to post correct information regarding on the topics and later misconceptions used to spread.

Void is state is a state of pure consciousness where u can manifest anything instantly and it will show up to your 3D . ANYTHING is possible in void state and on the top that I want clear this misconceptions void state is not the deep meditative state ( but it can be achieved through mediation)/ lucid dreaming state/ half awakening half sleeping state. It's is the state complete nothingness once individual access to this state he/she can manipulate their very own reality.

In the void we don't feel / hear / we are formless because the 3D/4D time gap doesn't exist there ,not because "we are not attached to any reality"

We can manifest anything here because we have surpass our consciousness mind.The void state is free from these limiting beliefs. When you are in the void, there is nothing, no thoughts no beliefs, you may even feel as though you are floating. Reality merges with dreams and everything becomes one. The void state is a place where you enter back into a state of oneness with the universe. The void is the absence of the ego, or the sense of self we have developed in life. Your beliefs vanish and you connect with the universe.

So comming to the problem mention by you— Do we shift realities when we manifest something from void??

: The answer is no we don't shift in the way we all think. We can manifest anything there because we have reached our higher power of ourselves not because we are not attached to any reality as mentioned above our beliefs, thoughts doesn't hold any power to ourselves in when we are in the void . So don't worry about that.

As you said This was holding u back from entering void ( it also known as iceberg in the void where those negative beliefs, intrusive thought, past trauma, misconceptions doesn't let us achieve what we want ) I hope it's all clear I know it will take some to fit in this all. Further more u have read those success stories of void and so if they had shift realities while manifesting their desire in the void u wouldn't be seeing those things in your reality it would be only visible to those whom they wanted so don't worry about that I hope I was able to help you 🤍 feel free ask anything if u still have doubts

[egcdeath]

kith and kin

pairing: joel miller x f!reader (pairing from the soccer parents AU)

summary: your parents finally meet joel in the midst of celebrating your daughter’s birthday. 

word count: 8.3k

warnings: brief mention of past abuse, a little tough love from reader’s mom, no use of y/n, cursing, alternate universe: no apocalypse, angst, fluff, hurt/comfort, joel is a little anxious, your daughters are sassy, very lightly edited

author’s note: i’ve had the worst writers block recently, but i love this pairing too much to let them go. feel free to send me any requests!

previous part / series masterlist

Joel paced back and forth in your bedroom, the padded sound of his socks hitting the floor pleasant at first but was becoming a bit of an annoyance by the tenth consecutive minute of the sound of pacing.

Chloe’s birthday was in just a few days and your parents had rented out a cabin on Canyon Lake, inviting you and one of her friends to come along. Seeing as you’d been together for around a year now and that there was no better time than the present, you figured it was probably about time for Joel to meet your parents.

“Joel,” you finally said sternly, zipping up your suitcase and looking up at your partner. “Relax, honey. They’re gonna love you. I mean, they’re gonna have to love you since I love you. That’s how it works, right?” you walked over to him and gently grabbed the bottom of his shirt, pulling him into what you hoped would be a reassuring kiss.

“I don’t know,” he murmured, pressing his forehead against yours. “What if they don’t think I’m good for you?”

“Well, this may be breaking news to you, but we’re not living in the 1700’s. We don’t exactly need my parents’ approval to have a relationship.”

Joel walked away from you, grabbing his own bag from where it laid on the floor. “I know, it’s just… I want them to like me. I don’t want you to have to feel like you needed to choose between me and your family and secretly resent me for years over that.”

“Maybe let’s unpack that last part some other time. But you’re so likable and charming, they’d have to be crazy to not like you.”

“I admire your belief in me, but it’s been well over a decade since I’ve had to meet and woo someone’s parents. What if I’m rusty?”

“Don’t be rusty, just be yourself!” you tried, smiling at your own terrible dad joke.

“Ha, ha,” his laughter was forced and monotone.

“Not the time?” You knew it was bad when Joel didn’t even respond to one of his beloved dad jokes.

“Sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry about. But everything is gonna go great, okay? And if not, you have a few days to make them love you, yeah?”

“You’re right,” he admitted reluctantly, seemingly just wanting to move on from the conversation. “You ready to go?”

“I am. Are you?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be.”

When you arrived at the cabin, your parents were sat on the front porch, seemingly deep in their own conversation before noticing your car pulling up.

Chloe was quick to hop out of the car, excited to see her grandparents. Given that they were practically attached at the hip, Sarah followed close behind Chloe, with the pair receiving hugs from your parents as they greeted the girls.

Still firmly seated in the car, Joel took a deep, yet shaky breath, giving you an idea of just how nervous he was to be meeting your parents. Wanting to give the man a bit of reassurance, you grabbed ahold of his slightly trembling hand and squeezed it hard.

“I promise you have nothing to worry about. You’re gonna have a great time, and my parents are probably gonna love you more than they love me. Got it?” you asked firmly, trying to sound sure of yourself despite the minor nerves you were facing yourself.

“Got it,” Joel parroted, although he didn’t exactly sound sure of himself.

“C’mon,” you beckoned, unstrapping yourself before getting out of the car. After a very subtle moment of reluctance, Joel’s door opened and your partner stepped out of your car as well.

The moment he got out of the car, you grabbed his hand, squeezing it once again as a small demonstration of your support before leading him up to the porch.

The girls were already making their way inside when you finally reached your parents, your mom giving you a tight hug and setting her head on your shoulder.

“It’s been too long,” she declared as she squeezed you for a few more beats, finally pulling away to analyze the man you had brought with you. “And who is this?”

“Mom, Dad, this is Joel. He’s Sarah’s dad,” you stepped back to wrap your arm around Joel, a slightly territorial move to show your parents that whatever you had going on was serious. “He’s also my boyfriend.”

“Nice to meet you, Joel” your mother greeted, shaking Joel’s hand and maintaining a somewhat loaded eye contact with him. She smiled at him, but her smile didn’t quite reach her eyes.

Your dad didn’t even bother with the pleasantries, giving Joel’s hand a firm squeeze and one solid shake. Both of your parents looked rather skeptical of the man, but you hoped that the stern look you were offering them was warning enough for your parents to behave around your boyfriend.

As everyone left to put away their luggage, you stayed downstairs with your mother, who indicated she wanted to have a separate conversation with you.

“What’s up?” you asked her, crossing your arms over your chest defensively in anticipation of what she might say. Based on that loaded interaction on the porch, you already had a good idea of where this conversation is going.

“Is this the Joel from Chloe’s soccer games?”

Shit. The one time your parents remember the name of someone you disliked just happens to be the one time you bring them home.

“Oh, I didn’t realize you remembered that,” you attempted to casually brush off. “It is.”

“The one you couldn’t stand?” your mother pressed, her brows furrowing as she looked at you with what seemed like disbelief.

“That was a while ago! Before our kids got closer and I got to know him better. And really it wasn’t even like I couldn’t stand him, it was more like he mildly annoyed me and we would argue sometimes. Even then, I kinda just had a crush on him. That’s why I told you guys about him in the first place. Notice how you don’t know the names of anyone else on the team who I don’t like?” you spoke quickly as you attempted to justify what you’d told your parents in the past.

“Stop. Just stop,” your mother rubbed the bridge of her nose and took a deep breath. Growing up, you were all too familiar with that move of exasperation. “Why do you keep doing this?”

“Doing… what?” you said meekly, almost scared of what was going to come next.

“Finding men that don’t treat you right. Men who aren’t good for you?”

Oh. So that was what this was about. It was less about Joel, and more about your parents not trusting you to take care of yourself.

One of your biggest fears after exiting your relationship with Nathan laid in the ways that people would treat you after finding out you had stayed in a relationship that was abusive. Sure, there was the sympathy that always came with finding out about someone’s past trauma, but then there was the judgment that came with finding out you stayed. You knew people would question your ability to take care of yourself and your daughter, and you knew people would question your ability to find a significant other who didn’t end up toxic. It shouldn’t have surprised you that your mother was grilling you like this—after all, it was her that you turned to on nights where you had nowhere else to go, bringing your daughter to her home on days where things with Nathan got particularly tough.

“No! No, no, no,” you protested, emotions that had spent far too long simmering on the back burner beginning to come forward. “Joel is the best thing to happen for me in a long time.”

“Honey,” your mom sighed and looked at you with what could only be described as pity. Frankly, it made you want to crawl out of your skin. “You sound just like a teenager again, defending Nathan.”

You nearly had a visceral reaction at the comparison of Joel to Nathan. You just wished your mother could understand that even though she may have heard some of the things you’d been through, that you had lived through those things, and you would never make that kind of mistake again.

“Mom, Joel is nothing like Nathan,” you expressed passionately. “He’s an amazing partner and he may have only been in Chloe’s life for a short bit of time, but he’s a far better father to her than Nathan’s ever been.”

“I want to believe you, and I am going to give him a chance. But just know that things even seem like they might go South, your father and I will be fighting tooth and nail to keep Chloe safe. You’re an adult; you can make your own decisions, but we won’t let her go through something like that again.”

You understood the implication of her statement and frowned. You knew that your parents just wanted the best for you and your daughter, but this whole thing just made you feel like a child. Why were you being punished for being a victim? Did your parents really trust you so little? Little enough to think that you would intentionally put your daughter in harm’s way?

“Okay,” you uttered, defeat evident in your tone. “But there’s nothing to worry about with Joel.”

“I certainly hope so,” your mother said with a sense of finality.

You found yourself sitting by the lake as Joel played with the kids, deep in thought as you pondered the situation. Maybe inviting Joel was a bad idea. Your parents clearly weren’t happy and your partner certainly wasn’t comfortable. At the very least, the girls seemed to be excited to spend some time on a little vacation with the man.

Chloe ran over to you, pulling your attention away from the cyclical motion of the water as it approached and receded over and over again.

“Come look at our sandcastles! They’re really detailed,” she said excitedly, grabbing your hand and attempting to pull you up. Her excitement was contagious, causing you to completely disregard all the negative feelings you’d been stewing in after your conversation with your mother in favor of adopting some of your daughter’s enthusiasm.

“Okay, okay, I’m coming,” you laughed, following your daughter out to the shore as she practically ran all the way over to her creation.

You squat down next to Sarah and set your hand on your brow so you could protect your eyes from the sun as you looked upon the three sandcastles in front of you.

“Well, what do you think?” Sarah asked, her tone just as excited as Chloe’s.  

“I am very impressed. Great work, guys,” you expressed, beaming at the people around you.

“But which one is your favorite?” your daughter asked, shooting you a cheeky look that you were becoming all too familiar with.

“They’re all my favorite,” you replied, evaluating the castles.

“Boo,” Sarah jeered, clearly hoping for a better answer. “Which one is your actual favorite?”

“Hmm,” you fake-pondered aloud, bringing your free hand to your chin to make you seem like you were far deeper in thought than you actually were.

“We don’t have all day, mom,” Chloe commented, setting a hand on her hip.

“Hey! Good deliberation takes time,” you replied. Given that everyone was sitting by their own castle, it wasn’t very hard to pick out which one belonged to your boyfriend. Seeing as you were in the mood to mess around, you proudly declared Joel’s castle as your favorite, despite his castle not looking so hot.  

“That one,” you said, trying to hide entertainment on your face as you pointed to the least technically impressive castle. Joel’s expression matched yours as he clearly bit back an entertained smirk.

“Whaaat? C’mon, I have a moat!” Chloe gasped, throwing a hand over her heart to show just how offended she was.

“And I have a mermaid! What does his have that ours doesn’t?” Sarah protested as she gestured over at her sand mermaid.

“She’s just biased because they’re in love or whatever,” Chloe scoffed. “Don’t worry, Sare. You’re a winner in my eyes.”

“Aw, stop, I love yours too!” Sarah grinned, going in to hug her friend as the two began to compliment aspects of each other’s sandcastles.

You couldn’t wipe the smile off of your face if you tried. Somehow, being around your little found family always made you feel a bit better. Even if your parents didn’t approve and never came around to Joel, that didn’t change the fact that you genuinely were happy with the man, and even happier with the blended family you’d created.

“Girls!” your mom yelled from inside, drawing all of your attention away from the beach and towards her booming voice. “Lunch is ready!”

“I’ll race you back inside?” Sarah offered. Chloe was off on her feet before she could even respond.

You and Joel took your time getting back to the house, walking slowly as you filled him in on your mother’s one-on-one confrontation with you. Despite the joy in the moment just prior, the reality check of having to deal with your parents had brought both of your moods back down rather quickly.

“I don’t think your parents like me very much,” Joel admitted to you, a hint of shame in his voice.

“I-“ you wanted to lie to him, to at least bring a little comfort to your boyfriend who had been worried sick about your parents not liking him. “It’s not your fault, it’s Nathan’s. They think I… they basically think I have a type. It doesn’t help that they think I used to hate you.”

“Fuck,” Joel exclaimed quietly, looking away from you. “I’m sorry, I just… I want them to like me. I’m already so nervous, I feel like I’m gonna shit a fucking brick. How can I make them like me?”

“Just be yourself, okay? And relax. I’m gonna love you regardless of whether or not my parents like you. Nothing's gonna change because of what my parents think of you. At the end of the day, I’m the one crawling in bed with you, not them. Who cares what they think?”

“I care. Deep down, you care too.”

“Joel, please,” you stopped and grabbed his hands, gently tugging him over to you. “I genuinely do not care. I love you. I love our family. Nothing is going to change that, okay? Nothing.”

Joel looked at you anxiously, his eyes a bit more defeated than usual. The two of you made wordless eye contact, communicating something heartfelt without using one word.

“We’re gonna be okay, regardless of how this weekend turns out. Okay? Just be yourself and my parents will eventually come around. If they don’t, it’s their loss.”

The round table at the patio of the lake house had a shape that in any other setting you wouldn’t even really notice, but only seemed to create more tension in this particular context.

You sat next to Sarah and across from Chloe, who sat next to your mother. It just so happened that Joel and your father were sitting across from each other at the table, and you could already feel the stare down just waiting to happen.

“So Chlo, what are you wishing for for your birthday?” your mom gently asked as your daughter took a bite of her food.

“Hmm,” she hummed as she thought. “I don’t really know. And if I did know, I wouldn’t tell you! Remember, wishes don’t come true if you tell people. But I am very happy to be here with everyone. So maybe my unofficial wish is to have more family time.”

“That is a great wish, Bug,” your dad agreed. Sarah smiled mischievously at the nickname and Chloe threw her a playful glare.

“So how is school going, ladies?” your mom asked them, looking between Sarah and Chloe.

You glanced over at Joel, mostly to make sure that he was doing okay under the pointed gaze of your father. Sweat beaded at his forehead and you weren’t quite sure if it was from the dry heat or from the daggers your dad was currently shooting at him.

Thankfully, your kids seemed to be blissfully unaware of the one-sided war going on at the table. You attempted to reach under the table and grab Joel’s hand, but the odd shape of the table didn’t allow for that. He was on his own for the duration of lunch.

The conversation mostly flowed between your mom, Chloe, and Sarah, with your father occasionally butting in to comment on something. All you could do was sit and watch while your dad grilled your boyfriend with only his eyes, with not one thing you could do about it.

Finally, it seemed like everyone had finished their meals, and that Joel could finally get up and be put out of his misery. But fate didn’t seem to be on his side, as he somehow wasn’t off the hook yet.

“Why don’t you all go try out one of the trails? Joel and I are gonna stay behind and do some dishes,” your dad proposed, making pointed eye contact with your boyfriend.

The girls happily agreed with the plan, excited and oblivious of the fear that had just coursed through yours and Joel’s veins with the idea of him being alone with your father.

“Hold on, ladies. You’re still wearing flip flops. How about you go change into better shoes, then we’ll go explore a trail. Sounds good?” you asked, hoping to buy yourself a moment of time to give Joel a pep talk.

Chloe nodded affirmatively and the two of them headed inside to change. At least you could have one private moment with Joel before he had to face off your father.

You stood up and pushed in your chair before grabbing Joel’s hand and squeezing his slightly shaking palm as hard as you could.

“You’ll be okay. Just relax,” you said under your breath so that your parents wouldn’t notice. “Remember, you can’t say the wrong thing. Even if they despise you, I’ll still love you. Okay?”

“Okay,” Joel agreed, although he didn’t seem completely convinced.

“You got this,” you reiterated, letting go of Joel’s hand as the girls came back outside, talking about some show they’d been watching.

When you glanced away, your father had begun picking up plates, looking at Joel like he expected him to be doing the same. That was your cue to leave.

You mouthed good luck at Joel before your mother ushered you all away. You had no idea how your dad was going to act around your boyfriend, but you certainly hoped for his sake that he wouldn’t be too terrible.

After you and the girls left, Joel and your father picked up the dishes outside in silence, with Joel focusing on finding his composure and maintaining it, and your father being completely unreadable.

Joel politely opened the door for the man, even with his hands filled with plates, cups, and silverware. Your father simply gave Joel a curt nod rather than a verbal thank you.

He followed your father into the kitchen, trailing a few steps behind him before setting down the content of his full arms into the sink. Joel did his best not to overthink this interaction, but it was going to be his first one-on-one with one of your parents, and your father had already spent the past hour giving him a nasty glare.

The following silence was awkward and thick. Almost like those tension filled silences you and Joel had the first few times you were together with stakes that somehow felt even higher.

Joel stood at the sink, silently scrubbing away at a dish, hoping that an awkward silence would be the most of his woes that day, rather than any sort of verbal confrontation.

“You do the dishes often?” your dad asked out of the blue, breaking the awkward silence with an even more awkward question.  

“Uh,” he tried not to show how thrown off he was by the question. Maybe if Joel could treat the interaction as less of an interrogation and more of a way for your dad to get to know him a little better, things would be slightly less awkward. “I do. I mean, I’ve been a single dad for almost 13 years. Someone had to wash the dishes, and it wasn’t gonna be Sarah.” Joel chuckled awkwardly, but your father didn’t even crack a smile.

“So if you had a wife, she’d be doing the dishes?”

Joel was once again thrown off, this time by the accusatory tone your father had asked the question with. Joel tried to give the man a bit of grace—your dad was probably trying to get a good read on him, so he would try not to let it get under his skin too much.

“What? No! I-I never said that. We’d probably split our house chores. I mean, that’s what your daughter and I do.”

There. That was a good enough answer. Tell the truth while explaining why him and his daughter were a good pair.

“Oh?” your father began with the raise of a brow, setting down the dish he was working on. “Well, why don’t you have a wife?”

Joel was completely taken aback by the blunt question, but assumed it was fair enough game to ask about. He would probably wonder the same if he were in your father’s shoes.

“Uh, my last long-term partner left shortly after Sarah was born,” he answered quietly, afraid of the judgment that your father may pass upon him, and slightly ashamed to admit what happened in the past.  

“Oh,” if Joel wasn’t mistaken, it almost seemed like your father’s tone shifted, as if he wasn’t expecting that answer. “That sounds hard. Do you know why?”

It almost felt like that answer had humanized Joel the slightest bit in your fathers eyes.

“It’s a long story,” Joel dismissed, not particularly wanting to get into all the details at that very moment. “Leaving was better for her mental health.”

“Okay,” your father simply accepted, although Joel had a feeling that answer didn’t quite suffice.

“But things are better now, with your daughter around,” Joel added. “Sarah’s probably happier now than I’ve seen her in a long time. I can’t really speak for Chloe, but based on what I’ve been told, she’s been doing better too. It’s been really nice to finally have another parent around to be able to split duties with. I just wish I’d found your daughter earlier,” Joel gushed, hoping that your father would find his answer pleasing enough.

Your father was unresponsive to Joel’s statement, finishing up the last of the dishes before finally speaking again.

“You talk a lot,” your father said simply, turning off the water flow of the sink and turning to face Joel head on. “I’m not gonna beat around the bush here. I’m glad to hear that things are working well for you two right now. I don’t know how much you know about Nathan. I don’t particularly care how much you know either. What I do care about you knowing is that I will never see my daughter suffer like that again. Understand?”

Joel was taken aback by the abrupt change in tone, and just when he thought tensions between them were easing up. “Y-Yes, yeah I-“

“So if you ever put your hands on my daughter, or raise your voice even an octave higher than it needs to be at her, there will be hell to pay. Get it?”

“I do, uh, I get it,” Joel wasn’t even completely sure how he was supposed to be reacting to this sudden rant.

“I want you to say it. You’re not going to mistreat my daughter, and you’re not ever going to lay a finger on her. And god help you if you do anything to Chloe.”

“I swear. I swear I’ll never hurt your daughter or your granddaughter ever,” Joel’s words were rushed, and he swore he could hear his rushed heartbeat in his own ears. The sudden confrontation being jarring was an understatement, but he supposed that’s how your father intended it to be.

“Good. I’m going to hold you to that,” was all that your father said as turned to dry his hands off on a towel. “Thanks for helping with dishes.”

“No problem, sir,” Joel choked out, like his heart wasn’t still in his throat. He took that as an indication that he was dismissed, and he set down the things in his hand before walking back outside and heading straight to the lake—far away from your father.

As you were heading back from your hike, you were surprised to run into Joel. He looked slightly disheveled, but particularly relieved to see you. The girls seemed just as pleased to see him, talking his ear off all the way back to the lake house. You occasionally glanced over at your mother, trying to get some sort of read on her opinion of Joel, but it didn’t seem to be working.

“So what happened?” you asked as you stepped out of the bathroom, exchanging your towel for the soft pajamas you’d brought with you. “You seemed pretty shaken up after lunch.”

“Your dad just really grilled me,” Joel explained, turning off the lamp on his side of the bed as you flopped onto the mattress next to him.

“My dad can be an ass sometimes. I apologize,” you muttered, curling up beside Joel. “And I apologize for bringing you here. I didn’t know they were gonna be like this.”

“It’s not your fault,” Joel assured, hoping to bring you a little consolation.

“It is, though. I’m the one who suggested that you come. I wasn’t thinking,” you whispered as you set an arm and your head on top of Joel’s torso.

“They were gonna have to meet me eventually. Better now than at the wedding, right?” Joel quipped.

“Right,” you agreed, looking up from where you’d set your head on your partner’s chest. “Hold on, are you proposing to me right now?”

“No, not yet,” Joel began to backtrack.

“Good. You’ll need my parents’ blessing first,” you teased. “Too soon?”

“Maybe a little,” Joel stifled his laugh.

“Ugh, I’m exhausted,” you groaned. “I can’t even imagine how you feel.”

“Also exhausted, mixed with a little bit of defeated,” Joel sighed, looking up at the ceiling. “You meant it when you said you’ll love me even if your family doesn’t, right?”

“Of course!” you exclaimed, sitting up a little so you could make better eye contact with your boyfriend. “Of course I will love you even if they don’t,” you promised.

Joel still didn’t exactly look like he was buying it.

“Joel,” you began, tone stern and serious. “Every day, you make my life so much better. You bring me so many laughs and smiles, you’re always there when I need to rant, and you’re the most reliable person ever when it comes to parenting shit. You’re probably the best thing that’s happened to me since Chloe was born. So yes, it would be great if my parents loved you as much as I do. But until they figure that out, I could care less about their opinions.”

That answer finally seemed to resolve some of the insecurity Joel was feeling around wanting to impress your parents, as he didn’t bring it back up for the rest of the night.

It was far too early to be awake, but Joel was having a hard time sleeping. Sure, you peacefully snoozed next to him, and of course Joel was comforted by your sleeping presence, but despite the pep talk you gave him, the knowledge that your parents disliked him and that all of his fears had come to light weren’t allowing him to rest very well.

With not much else to do and an arm that was quickly falling asleep (thanks to your cuddling), Joel snuck out of bed and down the stairs. Maybe he could catch the sunrise on the lakefront.

As he made his way to the patio, he heard a few sounds coming from the kitchen, and went to investigate. He was surprised to find your mother already walking around the kitchen, seemingly making a coffee for herself.

“Morning,” Joel greeted, voice raspy as he announced his presence.

Your mom turned around and offered him a pressed smile. She clearly was not expecting visitors this early in the morning.

“Morning,” she repeated. “Would you like some coffee?”

“That would be great,” Joel smiled, sitting down at the kitchen table while your mother worked on putting together another mug.

“You an early riser?” your mom asked Joel, bringing a mug and some creamer over to him.

“Thank you. And no, not really. Your daughter and I usually trade off on who’s gonna wake up early and get the kids ready for school while the other gets to sleep in. I just couldn’t sleep all that well today,” Joel shrugged as he prepared his coffee just the way he liked it.

“That’s sweet,” she hummed, taking a sip from her drink.

Joel sipped his coffee as well, and found himself surprised at the quality of the drink. “This is really good,” he acknowledged. “Is this a pour-over?”

“It is! How did you know?” your mother sounded quite excited that you were able to identify any way of brewing coffee, let alone identifying how his drink was made from just one sip.

“I can taste the difference,” Joel explained.

“See! That’s what I’ve been telling my husband.”

“I also may or may not have seen your dripper. But from one coffee connoisseur to another, this is amazing coffee. I’ve always said a pour-over gets you the best flavor.”

“I completely agree! These new, fancy drip machines just don’t do coffee justice. Keurigs, Nespressos, they’re all hunks of junk to me.”

“Well someone gifted me a Nespresso for Valentine’s Day after seeing my dripper and calling it prehistoric. I use it, of course, but it doesn’t compare.”

“Since it was a gift, I can forgive that,” your mother laughed, taking a hearty sip. “Do you ever grind your own beans?”

“When I can,” Joel replied, thinking about the fresh bag of beans he had sitting on the counter back home.

“Ah! Good boy,” your mother exclaimed, clearly pleased with Joel’s answers. “You do any other special things in the kitchen?”

“Eh, not particularly. I do enjoy being in the kitchen, though. I mean, being a single parent, I didn’t really have many options but to learn how to cook since I didn’t have anyone else to carry me in that area. I will say, we’ve been baking more often. Turns out, I can make a pretty mean focaccia.”

“Baking? With my daughter? You sure you’re talking about the one upstairs? I swear I’ve been trying to get her to bake for years and she just… hates it! What’s your secret?”

“I don’t know. The honeymoon phase, maybe?”

Your mom laughed aloud at Joel’s joke. He had to hold himself back from beaming with pride. He could barely speak to this woman the day before, and now he was making her laugh?

“Whatever it is, bring some over next time. I need to be the judge of this ‘mean focaccia’.”

Next time? Thank god for not being able to sleep.

“Of course!” Joel said with what may have been a little too much enthusiasm. He sipped some coffee from his mug while he thought about something else to say to fill up the silence, but your mother began to speak once again.

“So Joel, I want to know more about you. Other than the fact that you raised an adorable kid, like coffee a lot, and used to argue with my daughter during the soccer season.”

“She told you about that?” Joel asked, unsure of how to react. He wanted to laugh at the fact that you’d shared that with your parents, either before your relationship began or recently as some sort of fun fact, but he was still walking on eggshells around your parents.

“Yeah,” your mom acknowledged. It almost seemed as if she wanted to be casual about it, but also was curious for a bit more context.

“It was a long time ago,” Joel explained as if he could make it better. “It was never anything serious.”

“Well, how did you go from arguing every week to… this?”

“After the girls became friends, they kept setting us up to do things together. After that, things progressed pretty naturally. I think we just clicked. Realized we’re a good team and like each other’s company. I mean, I really love her and Chloe. I’m really happy with our little family.”

“Family?” your mom questioned with raised brows and a tilt of her head.

Joel wondered if he’d said the wrong thing or overstepped some sort of boundary. “I mean, I guess. I would say we… function as a family?”

“So there’s no secret engagement or secret wedding I need to know about,” your mother probed.

“No! Not at all,” Joel confirmed, hoping to quell some of the concern that had seemed to find itself on her face.

“And you didn’t come here to get a blessing for an engagement?” she implored.

“No! This is only my first time meeting you guys. I mean, I’m more worried about making a good impression than getting your approval on our potential marriage. Besides, I’m not really sure she’s interested in marriage after…”

Your mother nodded as Joel trailed off, not needing him to finish his sentence to understand where he was going.

“How much has she told you about Nathan?” she queried, seeming to be even more curious about this question than she was about some of the previous questions.

“Bits and pieces. Some things I’ve inferred,” Joel answered.

“Yeah. It was pretty bad for her and Chlo,” your mother simply stated. “Maybe we’ll talk about it some other time. It might help you understand why my husband and I have been the way that we’ve been towards you.”

“No, I get it. If anyone I loved had to go through those things—let alone my daughter, I would react the same way. I’d probably be worse,” Joel stiffly chuckled into his drink. For a moment, Joel thought about punching Nathan. The perfect cathartic moment for hurting and harassing the woman he loves. He’d do it again. And he’d do it to any person who even attempted to hurt you, Sarah, or Chloe.

“I just want to wrap her up in bubble wrap,” your mother admitted. “I never want her to be hurt again, and I know it isn’t possible, but I just want to be so sure that she’ll never be hurt in that way again. I apologize for being hostile, but you understand, right?”

“Of course I do,” Joel said earnestly. “And if it’s any consolation, I would never, ever do anything to intentionally hurt her. I know what it’s like to have a wall built around your heart and to swear that you’ll never let anyone in again. Your daughter let me in, and I’d never want her to regret that.”

Your mom seemed to think for a moment, getting up and setting her mug in the sink before sitting back down across from Joel.

“Either you’re really manipulative, or you really love her. I’m gonna hope for all of our sakes it’s the latter.”

“I can guarantee that it is.”

“I’m gonna believe you. But only because I want to try that focaccia.” Though your mom stated that with the cadence of a joke, Joel couldn’t help but feel that there was some hint of truth behind her words. Sure, this conversation hadn’t fixed everything, but it seemed like she trusted him just a bit more.

You crept down the stairs, clearly trying to be quiet, but failing at doing so. You approached the kitchen and yawned aloud, attempting to alert Joel and your mother of your presence.

“Good morning,” you greeted the pair. “You better not be interrogating my boyfriend,” you told your mom as you sat down next to the man of the hour.

“Nothing of the sort. We were just talking about baking. Why didn’t you tell me you bake now? And why haven’t you baked with me?”

“I guess I just didn’t have the right pastry chef,” you chimed, stealing Joel’s mug and taking a sip of his coffee. “Did Joel tell you that we’ve been working our way up to sourdough? I just ordered some starter the other day.”

“Oh wow. You’re like a completely different person. I don’t even know you anymore.”

“Sorry,” you apologized insincerely.

“Does this mean you’ll start baking with me when you come home?”

“Sorry mom. I’m loyal to my pastry chef. Has he told you about his focaccia? It’s really good. We’ll bring it next time you invite us over.”

You pulled your chair a little closer to Joel’s and held his hand under the table, a simple reassurance that you were there, and you weren’t going to let your parents treat him any way he didn’t deserve to be treated.

“You are breaking my heart,” your mom said, clutching her chest jokingly. “Although you mended it when you mentioned bringing bread.”

Luckily, it seemed like this day had started off far better for everyone—but particularly your boyfriend and mother. The two of them were getting along swimmingly, working together to whip up breakfast, carrying the conversation throughout the meal, and even going on to converse while the girls played at the beach.

If nothing else, you were glad that Joel was growing on your mother. You still couldn’t really get a read on your father’s opinion of your boyfriend, but hopefully with your mom now on his side, she would be able to talk some sense into your father.

It just so happened that your parents had planned to set up a few things around the house in preparation for the birthday festivities for the following day, and your mother had somehow managed to talk Joel into helping them out with their preparation. Since your boyfriend would be setting up, you were tasked with distracting the girls with a day out on the town, leaving your boyfriend alone in the lake house with your parents.

As things seemed to be going well between your mother and Joel at the very least, you at least weren’t too worried about your parents shredding your partner to bits while you pampered the girls and took them shopping.

Despite this fact, you still checked in with your partner multiple times throughout the day, getting updates about things he was doing with your parents, or any particularly interesting conversations they’d had during the day. For the most part, things seemed to be going well, but as the evening began to come in, you began to hear less and less from Joel, making you the slightest bit worried.

Once you got back to the lake house, you were pleasantly surprised to hear the sound of laughter coming from the back patio, paired with the familiar scent of a bonfire. The girls seemed more than pleased to go straight to the backyard, walking off far ahead of you.

By the time you reached the patio, Sarah and Chloe had already found spots to sit around the fire, and Joel was tossing some more firewood into the pit while seemingly laughing at a conversation going on between himself and your father. Although you couldn’t have seen the evening going this way when you initially came the previous morning, you couldn’t have been happier that everyone seemed to be getting along.

You found your own seat by the fire and Joel came back to sit next to you as your mother began to ask the girls a few questions about their day.

After getting as comfortable as you could on what was essentially a rock turned into a bench and leaning onto your partner, you and Joel quietly roasted marshmallows as your daughters excitedly chatted away, just happy to be able to sit and relax after a busy day. You were curious to hear all that occurred between Joel and your parents while you were away that had made them open up to each other more, but you could certainly wait.

“So girls, what was the highlight of your day?” your mom asked, turning to face your daughters.

“We had really nice manicures. The woman who did my nails was so much better than mom is. No offense, mom.”

“None taken,” you laughed at your daughter’s blunt statement.

“If it makes you feel better, you can’t be any worse than my dad,” Sarah offered, only contributing to your laughter.

“You’re probably right,” you agreed, playfully nudging Joel.

“I thought we understood that anything regarding my artistic ability is a soft spot?” he attempted to defend himself, but it was already too late.

“Sorry, Joel,” your daughter giggled, encouraging Sarah to giggle along with her.

“I also really liked our manicures, but we went to this really cute café with really good pastries and drinks!” Sarah exclaimed, gratefully accepting the slightly burnt—and just the way she likes it—s’more that you passed her.

“We only got decaf drinks, don’t worry,” you explained as you watched Joel hand Chloe a s’more of her own. “But everything was really good.”

“You would know, since you tried everything,” Chloe teased.

“Thirteen-year-old Chloe is even more sassy than before,” you teased right back. “It’s called the mom tax. Since I was your chauffeur all day, I got to steal a little nibble of your pastries. I think that’s fair.”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night,” Sarah added in, grinning mischievously at you.

“I would probably do the same,” Joel interjected, coming to your defense.

“See? This is why I keep you around,” you squeezed his arm and grinned up at your partner.

“Ugh, you guys are always being so gross,” Chloe laughed. “Do you see what we have to put up with?” Chloe directed at her grandparents.

“You know, one day you’ll find someone that you want to be gross with too,” your mother explained.

“No way,” your daughter giggled, standing up and stretching. “Do you wanna go get ready for bed, Sare?”

“Sure!” she said cheerily, popping up and heading inside with her friend.

“Seems like they had a good day,” your father commented once the pair were gone.

“I think so. I hope so. Chlo was pretty bummed when she found out her dad was going to be out of town during her birthday, but I’m pretty sure this has made up for it. Thank you for putting this all together,” you acknowledged.

“Of course! Anything for our girls,” your mom said, smiling softly at you as she reached out to put a hand on your knee.

“Well what did you guys get up to while we were gone?” you asked, hoping to get a little insight into what you missed while you were gone.

“Joel and I did some baking, then he helped your father put together some decorations. Speaking of which, you’re gonna have to help me put up some final touches before the big day.”

“Of course,” you agreed, happy to do anything that would make your daughter’s special day more special.

“Hey, don’t worry about it. I can finish up and help you with whatever needs to be done,” Joel offered.

“You’ve already worked so much today, Joel. We  couldn’t possibly ask you to do anything else,” your mother practically gushed. Joel seemed like he was going to protest, opening his mouth before your mother cut him off. “I insist.”

You couldn’t believe that just the previous morning your mother was lecturing you over this man.

“Well, I’m not gonna argue with that. But if you need any help at all, I am more than willing to be there,” Joel reiterated.

“Thank you, but that won’t be necessary,” your mom stretched her arms behind her head and yawned. “I’m getting a little tired. Would you like to go set up now?”

You were getting the feeling that the question was less of a question and more of a direction, but you agreed regardless, pressing a kiss to Joel’s cheek before you went back inside with your mom to help set up the last few things for Chloe’s birthday.

Setting things up was about as eventful as you thought it might be, other than the absolute raving your mom was doing over your partner, and the occasional sound of muffled laughter coming from the patio.

“I’m starting to think you like my boyfriend more than you like me,” you commented offhandedly as you tied off a balloon.

“Oh I do,” your mother agreed. “You think I’m bad? You should see your father. Yesterday he was so wary of Joel, but today those two have just been giggling and bonding all day. I should’ve known it was a wrap after your boyfriend made a stupid dad joke,” she glanced over at the glass door leading to the backyard.

“So what changed his mind?” you asked, setting down the balloon. “What changed yours?”

“After talking to him for a while, it was just very obvious how much he loves you and the girls. He also just happens to be a very likable guy. I don’t know how you ever managed to hate him before.”

“I already told you, it was like we were flirt-arguing!” you insisted.

“I know, I’m just teasing. I’ll still be a little cautious, but he seems like a good guy. Now, after he and your dad got over their little awkward thing, they absolutely hit it off. Just started bonding over everything under the sun. Their love of guitar, their love of DIY projects, their love of you…”

You smiled to yourself as you listened to your mom. It was great news that Joel had been able to bond with your parents, despite whatever feelings they’d had towards him previously.

“That’s good to hear. I’m happy you both finally came to your senses. He was worried sick about you guys not liking him.”

“Well, he’s got nothing to worry about now,” your mom flashed you a smile that matched yours as she finished off the balloons. “I think that’s all we needed to do. I’ll wake you up in the morning if I need any extra hands then.”

“Please don’t,” you groaned, pulling yourself out of your chair and glancing back over at the back door, where Joel and your father still seemed to be having a great time. When you looked back over, your mother was approaching you with open arms.

“I’m sorry, honey. I know you’ve already been through so much, and you wouldn’t purposely put yourself through that again,” she began as she embraced you. The apology was like music to your ears. You just hoped that Joel had also received some form of apology from your parents, as he was the one receiving the majority of the pushback. “I’m proud of you. I’m proud of you for leaving Nathan, and I’m proud of you for focusing on yourself, and I’m proud of you for finding someone good for you when you were finally ready.”

“I love you. I’m pretty fond of your boyfriend, too. Goodnight,” your mother bid you farewell, and you couldn’t even think of a proper response before she was already going up the stairs. You had much to process tonight.

Long after you’d fallen asleep, you woke up to the feeling of the mattress shifting its weight. When you turned over onto your side to see what the disturbance was, you just barely made out your partner in the dark.

“It’s just me,” Joel whispered as he settled in bed next to you. Like you were a magnet, you found yourself clinging onto him almost automatically.

“Hi,” you mumbled, voice thick with sleep.

“Hi,” he repeated, settling his arm on your hip.

“How was today?” you asked, nudging Joel over enough for him to be on his side so that you could spoon him.

“Really good, I think. I think your parents kinda like me now,” he yawned, relaxing into your touch as you held him.

“Kinda?” you muttered sleepily. “What did I tell you? They’d come around eventually.”

“You were right. I should’ve listened earlier,” he confessed as he fell into a more and more relaxed state.

“Maybe. I could care less about their opinion of you. That’s what I wish you listened to earlier,” you explained. “But I am happy that they like you so much.”

You were up bright and early to put the last little finishing touches on Chloe’s birthday decorations. You and your father taped up a few ‘happy birthday’ signs, while your mother and Joel worked on decorating Chloe’s birthday cake. Not much longer after you came downstairs, Sarah found herself downstairs helping to put her own creative spin on the cake as well.

After some discussion of when it would be acceptable to wake up Chloe, you all headed upstairs to her room to wish her a happy birthday.

As her door opened and everyone began to sing slightly off-key rendition of ‘Happy Birthday,’ Chloe slowly began to sit up as she grew more and more awake before she broke into a fit of slightly embarrassed laughter.

It was quite the scene, and probably not the most ideal wake-up call, but your daughter grinned and expressed her gratitude regardless, getting out of bed so she could attempt to pull everyone into a big group hug.

“Ugh, I love you guys so much,” she sighed fondly. “How did I get the best family ever?”

You were starting to wonder the same yourself.

[bird-inacage]

Love Sea the Series: Trailer (Tongrak's Love Story with the Island and it's 'Ocean')

You know me, I'm back with another analysis. This time in response to the Love Sea trailer. As I was writing this, it led me to frame our two central characters' differing outlooks as follows. Let me explain.

Tongrak 'We're not a work of fiction, fairytales don't exist' Mahasamut 'We're not a work of fiction, life doesn't follow a script'

STRONGER THAN FICTION

"Didn't I tell you, I don't believe in love. I don't believe. It's not even real to me. Between us, there's nothing more than sex." What seems to fundamentally scare Tongrak is the very idea of love itself. A belief that prevents him from accepting that anyone could love him, or that he has the capacity to love anyone in return. Because love is a construct. A fantasy. A work of fiction. Love to Tongrak is just a fairytale, it's not rooted in reality. The passages of love in his novels could never truly imitate life.

So understandably he begins to feel shaken when his relationship with Mahasamut challenges everything he thought to be true. That what he's experiencing is in fact inspiring his writing. Because it surpasses fiction.

"Everything is up to you to decide. You can pay me as much as you want. But what you can't decide on paper, is that you can't make me stop loving you. You have no right to do that." Mut seems to insinuate that as an author, Tongrak is used to controlling the narrative. This is where he feels most safe, until Mut came along and threw that into jeopardy. Here, Mut seems to declare that he isn't just some character in Tongrak's story. Nor are his feelings. He has agency. Their feelings for one another aren't just lines on paper. Real life does not operate in this way, it veers off script. That's the beauty of living. Mut's life is one dictated by the elements. One that teaches you to be resilient, to take what life throws at you by embracing the curveballs. And love is no different.

A TRANSACTIONAL AGREEMENT

Tongrak offers to pay Mut initially as a means to get him off his back. "How much do I have to pay you, to stop you bugging me?" This is then used increasingly as 'a convenient excuse' that escalates as the plot ensues. I predict that Tongrak continues the guise of paying Mut as a pretence to spend time with him.

By doing so, Tongrak is creating a false of security that is twofold. One, that he's able to keep Mut by his side as long as he pays him. Two, convincing himself that Mut's motivations are driven by financial benefit. Framing this as a transactional relationship means Tongrak doesn't have to face what is developing beneath the surface. This also instils an illusion that he can procure the outcome he wants, which is to keep Mut by his side.

As Tongrak's feelings grow, this becomes an even flimsier front. "How much do I have to pay, if I want to take you to Bangkok with me?" You can hear how desperate he sounds. Whether it's a matter of pride or otherwise, Tongrak seems inclined to attach his request to an incentive. He may be too afraid to confront the possibility that Mut could willingly leave his life behind for him - because that would be out of love and not monetary gain. So Tongrak gives Mut a reason to do so. A reason he deems fit. One he can live with. I think Mut can see through this too, and plays into the whole charade, but ultimately all Tongrak would have to do is ask. "I'm willing to be your dog." (Just say the word).

"If someone who is not highly educated like me understands, between the two of us, there is nothing more than an agreement, right?" Even if Mut is very emotionally mature, and plays along to make things easier for Tongrak to swallow - Tongrak is still trying to deny feelings they share which have long gone past just an 'agreement'. (You do feel something for me though, right? This is just smoke and mirrors but you do care about me, right?)

THE FEAR OF DEPENDENCE

In the latter segments, Tongrak displays evident dependence on Mut. It's as if Mut's aid in his survival on the island has now imprinted on his life as a whole. Tongrak gradually embraces the guide that Mut is, to lead him on an adventure with no particular destination. There's every possibility that this is what Tongrak was afraid of. Of relinquishing control. Perhaps hesitant to do so in the hands of someone younger, more boisterous and seemingly carefree. Someone he wrote off as a "dumb kid" with little substance.

The diving scene could very well be a metaphor for this. Tongrak agrees to do something that requires trust in Mut's expertise, by putting his own safety in Mut's hands. And when he does run into trouble, Mut is there to literally bring him back to life. He begins to recognise that Mut is a man of responsibility, someone he can rely on.

There have been hints that Mahasamut is also going through his own battle with loneliness or isolation. Fort says "and now Tongrak is by your side, you are not alone." MAME also comments that "Mut is the guy who is as strong as a castle. The wind and waves can't hurt him. But Fort proved that a strong man can cry." I think that as Tongrak starts to realise how much comfort and reassurance Mut provides him, he'll want to return the favour. How can he be that same emotional support for Mut to lean on?

What we're about to see is not just Tongrak's love story with Mahasamut, or 'an island', but a whole other life he may have never lived, had they never met. Mut's interception into his life is rewriting the narrative he had consciously or unconsciously dictated for himself.

Note: As with any of my metas, I am basing my interpretations on what I have seen alone. I haven't heard any spoilers from the novel.

[4dkellysworld]

Be at peace with everything

You say you want to become free. You say you wish to awaken, become liberated, why does it take so long? Why do I have to go through this life? And go through all the various things that I go through? Take an honest look at yourself. Do you have humility? Do you have compassion? Do you have love? Or do you have anger, fear, hatred? You have to honestly take a good look at your life. See the kind of life you've been living. What are your beliefs? What do you feel about the world, the universe, your self? You have to reconcile yourself with the universe. Be at peace with every living thing, with every sentient thing. Do not allow your mind to tell you anything. Your mind will always fool you. It will tell you all sorts of stories to make you fear - to make you act in a certain way or make you believe a big catastrophe is going to happen unless this or that happens. The only catastrophe that can come upon you is of your own making. You are the one. Do not let the world show you anything that makes you fear or causes you to react. Rather, begin to act from your own divinity. Know who you are. Always be aware of the Self which is you. There is absolutely nothing in this whole universe that wants to hurt you. You have absolutely nothing to fear. Then where does the fear come from? Where do all these negative thoughts come from? These bad feelings we have sometimes? They come from misidentification. This whole world is like a dream. Everything appears so real. We go through different experiences all of our lives and it appears so real. But I tell you, the day will come when you will awaken. And you will realize that you are I-am-that-I-am. You will realize that you are absolute pure awareness. You are the Self. That there never was a time when you were dreaming the mortal dream. But of course, many of you here still do not believe me. For you feel the experience very strongly. You feel all the things that are happening to you. As long as you feel these things and you do nothing to stop the feeling, the attachment to this earth will become stronger and stronger and stronger. This is why certain people can never be in a class like this. For their ego (their mind) is so strong that after they walk out this door, all of the ugly thoughts come back into their mind - the problems they're having, the things that are going wrong in their life, the things that appear to hurt them, the people who have told them the wrong words. And they become very upset; they begin to feel this world again. One day you will awaken from this dream and you will laugh. The awakening can come faster or slower* - it depends on you. It is up to you to begin doing something to yourself so that you may awaken from this mortal dream. So I ask you, "What are doing with your life? How much effort do you put into your spiritual practice?" The more you become involved with the world, the more the world pulls you down. I'm not saying you should give up everything and go and meditate on top of a mountain or in a cave. I am saying continue what you're doing but mentally give up everything. Mentally do not become attached to things by fearing them or loving them or doing anything to them at all. You observe the world and your affairs. You watch what is happening to you.

from Robert Adams satsang

*But also forget about time and don't compare yourself with others

[soleilnomoon]

Hiiii! :D <3 I owe you another event request that I announced.. sitting at work, yet another late evening, and dreaming of some Ace goodness. So may I ask for an ice cream sundae, donut hole, oatmeal raisin cookie, affogato and toffee? With female reader? :D If possible with the one serving the ice cream sundae being the reader? I need lotssss of caramel and whipped cream to get me through the week! Thank you so much!!!! <3

i can’t believe it took me so long, i’m so so sorry, but!!! it’s finally here *sobs continuously* so sorry bb that i took forever, but i only like to give you guys quality writing (esp with ace, i love him) so forgive me pls thank u & ily 😭💛🥺️

3.3k words, fem reader, nsfw, 18+ mdni; only a tiny bit of angst (yay), fluff!!!! and smut!!! ace needs to do better, and reader isn't as slick as she thinks she is (but lbr, when is reader ever slick). friends 2 lovers (surprise, surprise i know who am i), feat. v cute things like oral (m receiving), oral (f receiving), a lil roughplay but nothing crazy, a lil dry humping, idk other stuff probably idr anymore ૮₍˶ •. • ⑅₎ა but i had fun writing even tho the fluff almost killed me but for u i persevered! (if u see spelling/grammar errors no u didn’t <;3)

“look how we bleed from all this wanting” — ama asantewa diaka

unease is something you’re well-acquainted with — a painful, yet comforting, reminder of things that may or may not come. its slender vines wrap meticulously around each bone in your rib cage, lying in wait as your heart beats faster. it’s a pathetic, melancholic melody; a lullaby you can never escape. anxiety pours into you slowly — poisonous and haunting, tainting the lush, untamed garden that’s grown deep inside of you; one you’ve painstakingly tended to for most of your life, where your childhood dreams remain dormant, where your fears slither around in the thick vegetation ready to strike when given the chance. everything becomes fuzzy and unbearable, but you somehow manage to inhale several large gulps of air before continuing. 

it’s not easy keeping secrets, but you do it anyway. for him — only for him. today’s no different, as this is one secret you’re more than happy to keep to yourself.

contrary to popular belief, ace is much more particular about certain things than he lets on. for whatever reason, he’s adamant on keeping his birthday hidden from his crew mates — something you don’t quite understand, but respect, nonetheless. he says it’s because he doesn’t want the fuss and awkward fanfare of celebrating, but you know there’s another reason — one possibly drenched in tragedy and grief, so you refrain from asking again.

instead, you decide to celebrate with him in private; you’re best friends, after all. and after a few months of prodding, he finally concedes, giving you free reign to do as you please. a man like ace isn’t simple to shop for; you stress over his birthday gift for weeks, desperately wanting to find something unique — something that no one else would think to give him. it keeps you up for several nights in a row, where torn pieces of paper with scratched out ideas litter the floor in your room. at a certain point you scream into your pillow, desperate to get all your frustrations out before going back to sift through your failed gift ideas.

you pass out in the middle of ranting to yourself about your own incompetence, and the idea comes to you in a dream. when you wake up the next morning, you’re a little nervous but you’re sure this might be the one gift he wasn’t expecting — the one gift that he’ll appreciate and possibly cherish.

the thought of that only serves to rattle the tiny box of nerves that sits in the middle of your stomach — the lid barely attached; the contents ready to spill at the next inconvenience that comes your way. 

ace intentionally kept vague about what he wanted as a gift; he hates the idea of people scrambling around trying to surprise him, and instead keeps his expectations low. life, it seems, has helped him learn that lesson time and time again; it’s better, in his opinion, to snuff out any residual hope — the one that lingers behind all the disappointment that tends to follow him around — before it’s too late.

still, he’s curious to see what you’ve been working so tirelessly on. you’ve kept quiet about everything, and no matter how many times he tries to pry the answers out of you, you remain steadfast and keep the secret to yourself.

he's impressed, to say the least, and a flicker of excitement courses through him as he spends the morning of his birthday obnoxiously guessing what your surprise gift is. you wave him off, tell him to stop pestering you, but he doesn’t let up. there were times when you almost told him, but he has to hand it to you — you’re incredibly determined and stubborn. 

you convince him to come off of the ship with you and explore the main town of the island your crew is visiting. he knows you’re not that interested in exploring, that you’re doing all of this to distract him; he smiles to himself in secret, away from your curious and trusting eyes, unable to come to terms with the warmth that’s taken hold of his chest, pitifully churning his insides around. if he had more sense, he’d realize it’s his nerves that have gotten the best of him; but that’s ridiculous, what would he have to be nervous about?

especially on his birthday?

while he thinks he’s being stealthy by trying to hide his emotions, you catch him several times; you don’t say much about it, instead wanting ace to fully enjoy himself unrestricted. you admire the shape of his jaw when he excitedly looks around, nearly trip when you notice how sunlight drapes itself along his freckled, light brown skin, and choke on your drink when he glances over at you. the corners of his lips quirk upward, and a small, devastating, dimpled smile crawls onto his face. 

you’re rarely rendered speechless, but your inability to function properly causes you to let go of the cup in your hand — not that it matters, really. you don’t even care that the drink splashes near your sandaled feet, nor do you notice the way ace’s brows furrow together at your sudden clumsiness. a frown works its way onto his lips while you stand there stupidly, trying to remember what it is you’re supposed to be doing.

he tilts his head and briefly wonders if maybe the heat has gotten to you — you’re usually much more with it, but today you’re quieter and spaced out. when he opens his mouth to ask if you’re okay, you simply step over the fallen drink and keep walking down the street. something about your insistence on ignoring your recent faux pas makes him laugh out loud; he doesn’t mean to, but it’s just so damn funny to him.

and while you could be mad at him for the way he can’t seem to stop laughing at you, you know that the small bout of annoyance will fizzle out shortly. you can never actually stay mad at him, even if you tried — and yes, you have tried and failed several times over.

ace eventually catches up to you and that familiar teasing grin stretches lazily along his lips as he playfully grabs your arm and pulls you towards him. you steel your features as best as you can and narrow your eyes at him; the residual embarrassment from earlier lingers obnoxiously, making you stumble over your words.

or, that’s what you tell yourself, anyway.

because if he knew that it was because it’s become increasingly difficult to be around him for extended periods of time, then you’d never hear the end of it.

the problem is: ace already knows, and has known for quite some time. he never brought it up, because then you’d find a reason to keep yourself busy and stay away from him intentionally. he’s selfish and will continue to monopolize your time however way he can, especially today. you’ve never had an issue with ace touching you before, but for some reason his skin is warmer than normal — or maybe it’s because you’re still too nervous about the gift. you know that he’ll like and appreciate anything you give him, which is why you let out a soft sigh and rummage through your purse to shove a small piece of paper into his hand.

“i wanted to wait until we got back to the ship,” you say quietly, tongue suddenly much too big for your mouth; you try pulling away from him, but ace’s grip is firm, and you’re not trying that hard anyway. “but, um… happy birthday!”

he watches you curiously before glancing down at the paper in his hand; in a cute, neat script, you’ve written: birthday coupon (1 use only). and before he can ask anything unnecessary, you explain quickly, words tumbling out of your mouth in a rush.

“basically, you have my services for exactly twenty-four hours only.”

and, as ace is constantly in a state of perpetual confusion, he glances back at you to see if this is a joke or not.

“really?”

he wants to believe you, but he also knows that you’d never actually let him have his way for a day — or, would you? now he isn’t so sure.

your usual bravado leaves you faster than you can handle, so you nod a few times and finally manage to free yourself from his hold. after giving yourself a bit of space, you realize that you can think clearly now that he isn’t so close to you.

“yes,” you say lightly, hoping that he’ll buy your false confidence as legitimate. “whatever you want me to do, i’ll do. no questions asked.” you know you’re treading dangerously, but this was the best idea you could come up with. unease finds you again when ace remains quiet — a feat for him, as he’s usually boisterous and vocal about everything — but all of that doubt dissipates when a small, sly smile appears on his face as he pockets the coupon and beckons you closer.

“thanks, let’s go.”

you don’t bother asking where, because ace has already grabbed your hand and tugs you along with him. you want to tell him that he doesn’t have to hold onto your hand like that, but you decide that you deserve a bit of selfishness too. the day passes fairly quickly — you end up eating at several places with him, purchase enough sweets to put you into a sugar-induced coma, and laugh so hard you end up in tears.

he likes seeing this side of you, the part that’s carefree and full of energy; he admires how smooth and soft your skin is and thinks it’s impossibly cute that you can’t stop sneaking glances at him. you’re not as inconspicuous as you think you are, but ace doesn’t tease you about it. already he’s had you do silly things like balance on one leg like a flamingo in the middle of the shopping plaza and cartwheel as long as you can down to the pier — the latter was him testing the waters to see if you’d really do it, but you rise to the challenge and only fall over twice.

embarrassment be damned, as long as ace is happy today that’s all that matters.

when you make it back to the ship, the sun has set, bathing the ocean and sky with a pretty mixture of bright colors. you take a moment to lean against the railing to watch the sky, mesmerized by the artistry, while ace watches you and contemplates how best to proceed with you. he’s normally much better at hiding his desire and attraction, but today he’s at his limit. he doesn’t bother looking away when you feel his gaze on you; it’s always intense, having ace’s undivided attention — and while a small voice tells you that it’s dangerous to let this tension build to a frenzied state, a much bigger voice tells you to just let go and embrace whatever happens.

it's ace who grabs your arm and tugs you with him to his cabin, locking the door behind so that no one would interrupt; and it’s ace who plucks the coupon out of his pocket again, playfully waving it around as your brain scrambles as you try to guess what he’ll request next. it should alarm you that your excitement starts to build all over again when ace plops down lazily in a nearby chair, legs spread; something compels you to move closer and before you can say anything remotely foolish, ace pulls you onto his lap.

you tell yourself that it’s purely for the sake of ensuring he has a memorable birthday, but the truth won’t let you off that easily — not when you shamelessly straddle him as your skirt rides up your thighs; not when you thread your fingers through his hair and tugging on it impatiently; and not when you softly press your lips against his and mumble something along the lines of, “hurry up and ask.”

it’s refreshing seeing you take initiative like that, so ace tosses the coupon onto the floor unceremoniously before gripping your hips firmly. that warmth from earlier comes back in full force, and suddenly you’re wondering why the both of you are still dressed. he doesn’t hesitate when he runs his tongue along your lips, and you, in response, roll your hips forward and grind down hard against his stiff cock. a dangerous game, you know — you know — but you can’t help yourself; not today, anyway.

it's you who kisses him first — clumsy and rash, but after a moment, your lips move against his with more certainty; he guides you with his tongue, heat shooting up your spine, making you pliant and eager. each time he kisses you, you have to remind yourself that it’s not another dream, that it’s actually happening. and even if, after all of this, you both go back to pretending you’re just friends, you’re sure you’ll be fine.

maybe.

you don’t dwell on that thought though, and focus on the way ace keeps rubbing his hands along your thighs — slow and tortuous, the callouses on his hands rough, but welcomed on your skin. you’re panting and whining softly, the heat radiating off his body stifling, but also addicting. he’s not sure how much longer he can hold back, and you somehow get the hint when he bucks his hips against yours, your panties already damp with arousal every time your pussy rubs against his cock.

there’s a slightly dazed look in his eyes when you managed to climb off of him without your legs giving out, and it’s his own selfishness that drives him to watch you as you take off your clothes without prompting. is it adrenaline, lust, or the intoxicating effects of ace’s presence that has you in between his legs and on your knees. when he realizes what you’re about to do, he opens his mouth to tell you that it’s not necessary, but his argument dies in his mouth and fizzles out completely when you unzip his shorts and pull out his cock.

ace inhales sharply as a warm breeze slips in from the open window and tangles itself around both of you; and, although the moon hides sleepily behind a few clouds, some of its light filters through, giving you an ethereal glow as you run your tongue along the length of his cock before wrapping your lips around the tip. it’s not often that ace finds himself powerless in front of someone, but you’ve rendered him weak beyond comprehension. you suck and swirl your tongue around, dragging it along his slit and licking off the precum that leaked out.

it invigorates you — watching him through your lashes as your hands wrap around the rest of his length, twisting and pumping mercilessly, every stifled moan giving you the encouragement to keep going. you inadvertently rub your thighs together, pussy slick with your wetness, but, surprisingly, you don’t feel ashamed about it — not when you take more of ace’s cock into your mouth, relaxing your jaw and letting him have free reign for a bit. ace juts his hips forward, feeling only a tiny bit remorseful when he sees you gag, but the determined look in your eyes tells him that you refuse to back down.

when you feel like you can’t breathe, you lick down his length and massage his balls, earning a string of unintended, slightly incoherent curse words from ace under his breath. it’s a sensitive area — and, try as he might, he can’t help but moan your name out loud, his breathing growing unsteady, making you all the more delirious and obsessed. your teeth accidentally grazes his skin and he tugs on your hair more forcefully than he means to, startling you but not for the reasons it should.

his voice is low and gruff when he speaks again. “y/n… behave.” which is all he really needs to say, because while it was an accident, something forbidden swirls around your lower abdomen, making you bold and somewhat reckless. before he can say anything else, you suck on his balls, melting his resolve and small bout of annoyance.

he wants to ask if you’re trying to kill him, but he partially knows the answer to that already. goosebumps prick his skin as you look at him equal parts mischievous and full of adoration. he’s not sure why, but he likes that he’s only ever seen you look at him like that.it makes all of this that much more intense, and he knows that after tonight he can’t go back to being just friends with you.

it’d be impossible.

you take his cock back into your mouth again, bobbing up and down, his girth still a challenge, but you take it in stride anyway. and its when you suck on his sensitive tip again that ace’s restraint finally gives out; you feel him jerk underneath you, and his cum is thick and hot as it spills into your mouth. he half expects you to spit it out, and even through that post-orgasm haze, he’s amazed when you swallow it all.

with his face flushed — from the force of the orgasm, from how he can’t seem to keep his eyes off of you, especially after you lick some of his cum off of your lips — ace runs a hand through his hair before standing up and pulling you to your feet. he kisses you again, sloppy, yet domineering; your hands work on tugging the rest of his clothes off quickly, and it doesn’t take long before he has you on your back thighs clamped around his head as he devours your pussy.

nothing can compare to the high you feel right now, hips rolling forward, shamelessly tugging on his hair roughly, moaning his name louder than you mean to. anyone passing by can hear you, the walls are thin enough, but you don’t care now. his tongue glides along your slit, your arousal spilling onto his tongue before he flicks it against your clit.

something about the way he’s handling you — as if you’re able to take whatever aggression he tosses your way, especially when he slides his fingers inside of your pussy, finger-fucking and enjoying how you’re falling apart underneath him — makes you that much more reactive to him. and when he sucks on your clit — merciless, just like you were being with him a short while ago — you don’t hold back.

your cries are music to his ears, and he knows he should tell you to keep it down, but he also likes how loud you’re being. almost as if he wants other people to hear that he’s the one making you writhe around on his bed like that. the orgasm is sudden, brutal, and life changing; a blinding light practically incapacitating you, momentarily robbing you of your vision. your chest heaves as you try to gather your thoughts; a lightheaded feeling takes over, making you shiver, your sweet whining only makes him want to keep torturing you with his tongue.

but he refrains, for now.

after pulling back, you both look at each other for a moment before you pull him down for another kiss — this one tender, sweet, and slow. ace lets himself fall further under your spell, not wanting to ask if you complied with his selfish whims because you wanted to or because of his birthday coupon. and if he did ask, you know, deep down, that you’d tell him it’s very obviously the former — that it wasn’t only his selfish whim, that you were equally to blame for letting things escalate like this. not that it matters much right now, since all you can think about, is how you don’t plan on leaving his bed for the rest of the night. and how you know you’ll be plenty sore once he’s done with you later on.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Aita for wanting to cut off this guy?

Summary: I(f16) Met Aiden(m16) a few months ago, and am becoming increasingly aware that I have a lot of issues with him. However, he clearly wants to be friends with me, and I feel bad cutting him off. I gave him the wrong idea about me when we met, we very little in common, and our views contrast quite a bit. He’s also vented to me without warning a few times. He’s autistic and doesn’t have much experience with friends (according to the mom of our mutual friend Bea (f16), also autistic) and I don’t think he means to hurt anyone, but some of the things he does really stress me out regardless.

In May, I got invited to Bea’s birthday party, which was just me, Bea, her mom, and Aiden. In a hotel pool. We were all eating at a picnic table and I started to get incredibly anxious, and tried to talk to Aiden to break the tension since he’d been looking at me for a while, presumably because I looked like absolute death. He eventually mentioned something about animals (cool, a shared interest). Anyway due to both the stress, and the unlimited cool-bug-facts stored in my brain, I started rambling and we talked for around an hour.

...Assorted red flags in this conversation…

- Aiden’s “crazy ex friend” made some harassment allegations against him.

- “Yeah we should totally go hiking sometime, guy I don’t know!”

- Aiden thinks vegans are stupid and climate change isn’t real (I was talking about how I plan on going into ecology lmao)

- Aiden asks me to make a contact in his phone

The problems started when he immediately got really attached to me. I was way friendlier than normal that day and that’s entirely on me.

My birthday was a few days after Bea’s party. Aiden found out, and despite me specifically telling him I don’t like getting gifts, brought a gift bag to class, which included a card with $50. I completely panicked and tried to shove the money into his hands, but he kept stopping me while laughing. I felt awful because we hadn’t even properly spoken since the party.

That night he texted me saying he wasn’t sorry for giving me the money, followed by a paragraph about how everyone had failed him, how teachers have told him he’s better off dead, and how his few friends are the only thing keeping him from committing suicide. People vent to me a lot, but I really didn’t know how to deal with it from someone I barely knew. I just told him that he doesn’t need to buy my friendship. I confided in my mom about it and she told me to stop talking to him, and that I absolutely wasn’t allowed to see him outside of school.

Aiden started dating Bea a week after that. Bea had said before that she wasn’t interested in Aiden when her mom teased her about his crush on her. I was worried that she just said yes because she typically goes along with what other people want. I’ve hardly ever gotten her to share her opinions outside of whatever her mom tells her. I later found out from my friend Kayla (f16) that Aiden was trashing Bea’s dyed hair and generally being misogynistic about “unnatural women”

Kayla also informed me that she had had an incident with Aiden, before I met him. They were at the same Halloween party and when she tried talking to him, he somehow somehow thought she was into him, and lied about being gay to the entire party before correcting himself. My friends had previously warned me that Aiden’s intentions probably weren’t platonic, but I ignored it since I’ve been out as a lesbian for years, so I could just let him know if it came down to it. Generally I started talking to him less, I didn’t have an issue with remaining friends, since I know he’s awkward with people, and his beliefs are mostly what his dad tells him to think.

Since then he’s Invited me to go hiking in other states multiple times, sent another vent text, tried to go with me to a class he’s not in, asked for advice on breaking up with Bea before going back on it, tried to follow me home from orchestra rehearsal? Invited me to dinner, to his house, and to his grandma’s.

I’m going to run out of excuses eventually, and any interaction with him seems to invite both more than what I’m comfortable with, and what my parents allow. I wish I could just text with him sometimes or something, but that’s not an option. I feel like ripping it off might be better than slowly letting him down, considering he already considers me a close friend, and I don’t want him to hurt himself, and it’s probably better if he just thinks I’m a terrible person (might be true).

Would I be in the wrong for cutting him off altogether? Am I the mean high school girl from my childhood nightmares?

What are these acronyms?

[astrojulia]

All about Cancer

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I always start by talking about people I know who have this sign… So, it's only in this short excerpt that I speak fully as a person who experiences astrology in everyday life and not as an astrology student (and a would-be astrologer). I can't escape the fact that I see people of this sign as highly emotional. No, it's not something negative (when well-performed), and it doesn't even mean that it's someone who cries for everything. It's just that it's a person who acts more emotionally than rationally (because we are all emotional beings).

As a general energy, I see that Cancer shows how we are beings trying to live a material life... There are several ways of seeing life, with beliefs or not. You can believe in the soul, spirit, etc. But you can't deny that we seem to see life through a window in our eyes, and there is a part of us that is not material. You can't deny that it's hard to live, but it's the best experience in our life. This energy of not being something material and that we are in a shell is what this sign represents for me.

As always, I need to say that when I write in the post, I need to put what the experts and the most important astrological community say and think, because I am responsible for every word I write, but here I always say that it is just my point of view, my studies and my evolution, because I’m the type of person who always wants to be better the next day. So let me tell you this: for me there is no underdeveloped aspect! For me, the underdeveloped part will always be our “Shadow self” that will appear when we most need to defend ourselves! Underdeveloped is our deepest instinct and we need to look at it as a Digivolution and not a Pokémon evolution (nerd references!!!). 

Cancerians are all about nurturing, taking care of their peeps, and doing their best to help those close to them. They can be pretty over-protective sometimes, and may make decisions that reflect what they believe is best rather than what's actually going on. But that's just because they care too much.

Cancerians' greatest strength lies in their emotional intelligence, and when they harness it effectively, they truly shine. In today's society, emotions often have a negative connotation, causing many of us to suppress our feelings and view emotional expression as a weakness. This can lead to moodiness and a tendency to romanticize things that shouldn't be romanticized. However, when Cancerians embrace their emotional side, it becomes nearly impossible to knock them off balance. They have a deep understanding of their own emotions, as well as those of others, which allows them to navigate relationships and situations with ease.

They are highly sensitive individuals, with an emotional depth that sets them apart. While their sensitivity can be a great strength, it can also make them emotionally vulnerable at times. They often feel things deeply and may be more affected by negative events or criticism than others. However, their vulnerability is also a testament to their immense capacity for empathy and caring, which is a hallmark of their personality.

They are known for their remarkable intuition and deep understanding of the world around them. They possess a natural sensitivity and an ability to read between the lines, which allows them to connect with others on a profound level. However, they can also be withdrawn and shy, sometimes retreating into their own world when they feel overwhelmed. This tendency to be reserved should not be mistaken for a lack of interest or engagement; rather, it is a reflection of their need for privacy and reflection. In moments of quiet, Cancerians can access their deepest thoughts and emotions, allowing them to recharge and reconnect with their intuition.

Cancerians are individuals who possess a deep well of emotions and a profound attachment to the people and memories that are important to them. They have a unique ability to cherish memories and relationships with great depth and passion, and they are often sentimental about the things that matter most to them. Their sensitivity and sentimentality are a testament to their caring and empathetic nature, which allows them to connect with others on a profound level. However, at times, their sentimentality can cause them to become overly emotional and maudlin. They may become lost in nostalgia or overly focused on the past, making it difficult for them to move forward and fully embrace the present moment. While their sentimentality can be a strength, it is important for Cancerians to balance it with a healthy perspective that allows them to appreciate the present moment and the opportunities that it presents.

They have a deep appreciation for tradition and are often drawn to the customs and practices of the past. They find comfort in the familiar and enjoy the sense of continuity that comes with following longstanding practices. However, at times, their attachment to tradition can cause them to become overly bound by the past, making it difficult for them to embrace new ideas and ways of doing things. While their respect for tradition is a strength, it is important for Cancerians to balance it with an openness to new experiences and perspectives. By doing so, they can broaden their horizons and grow in ways that enhance their lives and enrich their relationships with others. When they are able to strike a healthy balance between honoring the past and embracing the present, Cancerians can tap into the wisdom of the past while remaining fully engaged in the world around them.

They have a strong attachment to their homes and families, and often derive great satisfaction from nurturing and caring for those closest to them. They are domestic in nature, and find comfort in creating warm and inviting spaces that reflect their personal style and values. However, at times, their focus on the domestic sphere can cause them to become overly sheltered, limiting their exposure to new experiences and perspectives.

So, in other words:

At their best, Cancers are:

Nurturing: Cancers have a natural inclination to take care of others. They are empathetic and compassionate individuals who enjoy making others feel loved and cared for.

Kind: Cancers are kind-hearted and will go out of their way to help others. They believe in treating others the way they want to be treated and always try to put themselves in other people's shoes.

Loving: Cancers are affectionate and express their love openly. They value close relationships and are devoted to their loved ones.

Honest: Cancers inspire others to admit, face, and accept the difficult truths in their lives. They have a strong sense of integrity and believe in being honest with themselves and others.

Supportive: Cancers are incredibly supportive of those around them. They encourage others to pursue their dreams and offer a shoulder to lean on during tough times.

At their worst, Cancers can be:

Passive-aggressive: Cancers may resort to passive-aggressive behavior when they feel hurt or upset. They may say one thing but mean another or use sarcasm to express their feelings.

Irrational: Cancers can be highly emotional and may let their feelings cloud their judgment. They may make decisions based on their emotions rather than logic, which can lead to poor outcomes.

Moody: Cancers can have drastic mood swings, going from happy to sad or angry within a short period. They may have a hard time controlling their emotions and may take their feelings out on others.

Expecting repayment: Cancers may do good things for others but always with the expectation of being repaid in some way. They may keep track of their good deeds and expect others to reciprocate in the future.

Victim mentality: Cancers may adopt a victim mentality, feeling sorry for themselves and blaming others for their problems. They may have a hard time taking responsibility for their actions and may feel helpless or powerless.

As the fourth sign of the zodiac, Cancer is the first reflection of what we really are. After the certainty that comes with the strength of Aries, Taurus stirs things up, and that's why we need to return to the past, to our origins, to review what we really are.

As a water sign, Cancer is the surface that reflects everything above. It's there, and at the same time, it's not, always being an illusion, a mirage. As a cardinal sign that seeks things, Cancer seeks security, just like the crab that has its shell to protect itself from everything and is always looking for a home that can better comfort it (Paguroidea).

The connection between Cancer and its opposite sign Capricorn is incredibly intricate, as it delves into the interplay between our instincts and our super ego. It represents a harmonization of the child's desires and the adult's needs, or even the reverse dynamic

Cancer, as a zodiac sign, is ruled by the Moon, which is often associated with the realm of emotions. Being influenced by the Moon, Cancer symbolizes the depths of our instincts, the richness of our feelings, and the core of our fundamental desires.

(CC) AstroJulia Some Rights Reserved

Sources:

“Os astros sempre nos Acompanham” by Claudia Lisboa

“DEPTH ASTROLOGY: An Astrological Handbook”, Volume 1, by Gargatholil

Servant of the Fates on tumblr

PSD by wildfireresources on deviantart

[mari-lair]

Ohhh your actually dead Akane theory makes me wonder how the other characters would react to learning that, especially Teru given that Akane is his first friend! Like ever! And he's already walking on a thin line because Akane's a half supernatural, but then he's actually dead? And he has to deal with the fact that he would lose the first person to see him for himself? Heartbreaking.

If we pretend my Akane is already dead theory is right, I think it would be revealed when he dies, and there are two alternatives: He could lose all connections to supernaturals when he dies and become a normal spirit or he is already intertwined with the clock keepers and will immediately be a full supernatural.

If his contract does force him to be a full supernatural when he dies, or if he chose to linger of his own accord after death, he will go against the natural order of the dead and cease to be the ‘person’ we know.

We can’t say how much Akane would change as a supernatural, but I personally believe he would have a big denial stage, convinced that he is not like other supernaturals, his soul is still human, since delusions and arrogance is something that don’t seem to be altered too much from their human self. They may even became stronger in the years and years supernaturals spend refusing to change their core beliefs.

I can picture Aoi trying to delude herself that “Akane is still around” if he became a supernatural, cause his apparence likely won’t change much, and she isn’t very familiar with this fantastical world. She was herself on the far shore (when ‘dead’) so Akane would be himself too, right? Ideally to me, they would cling to denial, mutually hurting each other out of love and a selfish insistence to not let go.

And if he just moves on, I can imagine Aoi locking herself in her room, trying to detach herself from it all but breaking down at a seemingly random moment because they were so ingrained in each other's life, everything must remind her of him.

Nene wasn’t as close to Akane as Aoi or Teru, but his death could be her wake up call. We are shown many times that Nene doesn’t want to think about death, doing her very best to put an optimistic spin on things and push any thoughts that make her uncomfortable away. Because of it, she ends up self-sabotaging herself and does not fully understand the gravity of losing a life. Be it her own, or of other people.

I can see his death being used similarly to Sumire's soul being eaten: Something that forces her to face loss head-on, but worst than Sumire because her ghost was of a different time, and as depressing as it sounds, no one Nene knows cares about Sumire, she will not be missed, but Akane dying would affect everyone. People will feel his loss and react to it, be it by her close friends joining in on her depressive mood (which makes it harder to push her negative feelings aside) or by her classmates not remembering him. Which is a good pipeline to what she doesn’t want to see but needs to face it “The one dead could have been you. This is you. You’re a walking corpse too.” route. There are just a lot of cool possibilities.

Kou would be shattered, take it as another failure. Even if it is completely out of his hands. Cause they weren't very close, but he trusted Akane.

As for Teru!

I believe Teru doesn’t care that Akane is half supernatural, he sees him as a normal human with supernatural powers, so Akane becoming a full supernatural would fuck Teru up a lot. There is no space for denial with Teru, he knows how the world works: Regardless if Akane moves on or if he becomes a supernatural with memories, the person Teru could comfortably call a friend will be gone.

Is very hard to know how Teru would act. On one hand, the people he gets attached to are irreplaceable to him. He treasures them dearly, and I doubt he can comfort himself with the knowledge that this is Akane's fate and there is nothing he can do to change it, like he did with Nene's situation.

Teru could try to be close to this new Akane (cause he always prioritizes the people he loves over his exorcism job: stealing from the shrine he works for to save Aoi, not exorcising Hanako cause Kou might hate him, tolerating all the mokkes cause ‘tiara like them’, using being a ‘cool big bro’ as his main motivation for working hard as an exorcist, and so on), but Teru is awful at handling change. He will make a mistake at some point. Or ‘Akane’ will say something that is far too disconnected from his human self to keep the illusion that “not much changed”. This approach would end badly, it's only a matter of time.

On another hand. Teru can stay level-headed about anything related to the supernatural, and he is used to death and radical situation. If he knows Akane is beyond saving and trying anything would do more harm than good, he may as well... Not do it.

When his mom died, it must have greatly affected him, and he was far far younger than now, but we never got any hint he obsessed over it. He was just... forced to accept it. To move on.

Loss is a part of life. And Teru knows that well.

If Akane became a supernatural that can hardly be called Akane anymore. I can imagine Teru visiting Akane’s grave more than “the keeper of the present”

[queen-dahlia]

𝐆𝐢𝐥𝐛𝐞𝐫𝐭 𝐯𝐨𝐧 𝐎𝐛𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐢𝐚𝐧

𝗠𝗮𝗶𝗻 𝗥𝗼𝘂𝘁𝗲 𝗖𝗵𝗮𝗽𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝟭𝟯 𝗛𝗶𝘀 𝗣𝗢𝗩

Note: Translation is not 100% accurate. Expect grammatical errors.

// : alternate translation

If one were to ask which is more difficult: dominating people through violence or making compromises through communication,

It would definitely be the latter—trying to resolve everything through communication would be more difficult.

The little rabbit knows this, but she has not given up on communication.

And I've made up my mind that I'm not going to get involved in anything but violence,

On the contrary, she is willing to endure violence.

It may be a perfect score for the woman with the most beautiful heart in Rhodolite.

But I feel sick looking at her.

(… I made it happen, but I thought you would break sooner.)

Succumbing to people's violence and giving up on communication because it is impossible, the little rabbit herself becomes tainted with malice.

The pure white heart is now dyed black, and the "Final Judgment" is over.

But it was not easy to do so. The little rabbit is brazen.

(But…)

I stood in front of the little rabbit's room and gently opened the door.

As expected, there was a little rabbit lying on the bed and crying.

No matter how beautiful your heart is and how noble your beliefs are...

A heart stabbed with malice can't be okay.

(… A villain never misses a vulnerable prey, right?)

I hide my presence and sneak up on Little Bunny to look into her face.

Gilbert: "Wow, you're crying. Poor thing."

Emma: "!?"

The little rabbit, seemingly unaware of my presence, froze like ice.

Gilbert: "You must have let your guard down. But too bad, I wouldn't leave such a fun situation unattended."

The little rabbit raised her upper body and covered her face with her hands.

Perhaps she didn't want to be seen so much, but she was red all the way to the tips of her ears.

(… So cute.)

Gilbert: "I was waiting in front of your room, making sure my presence went unnoticed."

Gilbert: "Oh, and I am here to remind you about the cookies. You promised me 1,000 cookies, right?"

Emma: "… Please wait five minutes."

Gilbert: "As much as you want. In the meantime, I'll look around your room."

Emma: "No, please don't!"

Gilbert: "Didn't I let you look around my room before?"

Gilbert: "I wonder if you have something to be so flustered about."

Gilbert: "But don't worry. Even if you have embarrassing proclivities, I will still accept you…"

Gilbert: "I'll keep quiet about it to the people around us. …Maybe."

Emma: "I have no such proclivities!"

Gilbert: "Then there's no problem if I look around, right?"

The purpose of visiting the little rabbit's room was not just to make fun of her crying face.

(… Yeah, I knew it.)

Feeling a sense of discomfort, I open the book lightly on the desk.

A dangerous needle was attached to the bookmark, and I retrieved it without being noticed.

(The violence is getting worse. …I should probably nail them down soon.)

(Anyway, this guy... yep, I'll kill him.)

All the malice directed towards the little rabbit is managed behind the scenes.

What kind of action is likely to occur, and what real harm is done to the little rabbit?

They don't even know they're dancing in the palm of a trampling beast.

Gilbert: "Have you read this?"

Withdrawing my evil schemes, I pointed to the black book so as not to seem unnatural.

It was a book I had given to the little rabbit on a whim earlier.

Emma: "Yes… I read halfway through."

Emma: "I thought about it again, but the main character of that book is amazing."

Emma: "Confronting the insidious crimes in the court many times…"

Emma: "No matter what obstacles stand in her way, she keeps looking forward and never cries or looks down."

Emma: "She had a dazzlingly pure and beautiful heart, and even the people around her were inspired by her…"

Emma: "… I don't think I can do it."

Gilbert: ". . . . . ."

(I see... so that's what the little rabbit thought.)

(Certainly, I may have been too virtuous and lacked a sense of humanity.)

Gilbert: "The girl in the book might have cried, too, just not written down, you know?"   //   "The girl in the book might have been crying just because it wasn't written, right?"

Gilbert: "Even a girl with a beautiful heart has troubles and pains. It's natural because she’s human."

Gilbert: "… It's just that the author missed it."

Gilbert: "I've been imagining a girl who smiles happily every day, but I just haven't gotten to the deepest parts of her life." **

Emma: "I... see."

Gilbert: "That's right."

(After all, you must see the real thing in person.)

(This haul alone was worth the trip to Rhodolite.)

I turn my back to the book and once again wrap my hands around the crying face of the little rabbit.

She looked awful.

But somehow, I didn't think it was ugly.

Gilbert: "Honestly, I thought you were a young woman who never cried."

Emma: "… I do cry too."

Gilbert: "Yeah, it seems so. But you care about others and hide it."

Gilbert: "You keep killing your heart by saying "I'm fine"…"

Gilbert: "In the end, you will become a beast like me."

Emma: ". . . . . ."

(Saying "I'm fine" isn't okay.)

(… Just like I used to say, "It's okay" every time I killed someone.)   //   (Same as me, who used to say, "I'm fine" every time I killed someone.)

If you fake the pain of the wound, you will soon feel nothing, and even "okay" will become unnecessary.

If you don't feel pain, you won't cry.

Gilbert: "Crying means you are still human."

Gilbert: "You should take such good care of yourself."

Gilbert: "If you keep lying that you're fine, then I'll see... okay?" ***

(You shouldn't become a beast.)

(—No, wait... It's contradictory.)

(Why am I comforting you?)

(I'm the one who cornered the little rabbit, and I'm looking forward to seeing if she turns into a beast.)

(I would have rather thought about catching up or something…)

Something is preventing the evil schemes of the trampling beast.

I can't figure out what that "something" is, and it makes me feel uncomfortable.

(It's like I'm resisting myself. …It's weird.)

Gilbert: "Hey, do you want me to comfort you?"

Emma: "N-No…"

Gilbert: "Where do you want to be bitten?"

Emma: "What kind of comfort is that!?"

I tease the little rabbit in order to get rid of the discomfort that has built up.

The tears seemed to stop as we exchanged light banter.

I unconsciously breathe a sigh of relief when the little rabbit bites me as usual.

Gilbert: ". . . . . ." 

Emma: "Prince Gilbert?"

(… I should have made you cry more.)

(Ah, but it's unpleasant to see you cry for other people's malice instead of mine.)   //   (Ah, but it's unpleasant to see you crying from the malice of others and not of me.)

(I'm sure that's what this is.)

I pinch the soft cheeks of the little rabbit.

Although the tears had stopped, they were still wet.

Gilbert: "It's boring. You've already stopped crying."

Gilbert: "I thought it was funny to see you cry."

Emma: "Forget about it!"

Gilbert: "Ahaha, who are you talking to?"

Gilbert: "Come on, let's go, Little Bunny."

(… Let's distract ourselves by eating.)

I open the door and prompt the little rabbit to make cookies.

In doing so, I thought I heard a small, inaudible murmur.

Gilbert: "…? Did you say something?"

Emma: "No, nothing."

Emma: "Just… thank you."

Gilbert: "My kindness has bad intentions, okay?"

Emma: "Still, I feel a little better. I feel like I can do my best again tomorrow."

Gilbert: "… You do that a lot."

Emma: "I cried, but I don't want to give up."

Emma: "And besides, it's a good thing that Prince Gilbert came to Rhodolite…"

Emma: "As I thought, I want you to fall in love with me."   //   "After all, I want you to like me."

Gilbert: ". . . . . ."

For a moment, I forget to fix my expression.

(What... is one of the reasons you endure that malice so silly?)   //   (Why... is one of the reasons why you endure such malice so desperately such a silly thing?)

(To a beast that has lost its love, it's all nonsense.)

Gilbert: "Is that what you were thinking?"

Emma: "… I was thinking. I wanted you to like me so much that you wouldn't want to trample Rhodolite."

(I see... the little rabbit was secretly harboring such a purpose…)

(… Maybe I'm getting so uncomfortable and inexplicable right now.)

(I just don't want that to happen.)   //   (But that's a problem.)

(… That's the only thing I can't accept.)   //   (… I just can't take that.)

Gilbert: "It's up to you, Little Bunny. Good luck?"

(If I'm really starting to like you...)

A new malice is rapidly growing.

It was an unexpected move that had never been planned before.

(I have to control you so that I can "like" you… right?)

[wellmetmat]

(The following contains no information of general interest, and no ideas; just happiness and, still, surprise, at my life becoming better. Please only read if you like boring descriptions of petty emotions.)

This Saturday past there was an annual dance held by my historical society. I would have said, after each previous one, that it was fun. (They are pretty objectively lovely events.) A more accurate statement would probably have been that I had fun to the extent that a personality so weak and gloomy was capable of it, and other people better suited to life presumably had more.

This year the ceiling on enjoyment had lifted a fair bit.

I spent the whole weekend with my love: stayed over on Friday night, went to the dance together although we were doing different things there, drove back together singing songs, and spent all Sunday lounging around (partly with pigeons!). As well as the big general difference, this made a few particular differences which I want to fix in memory for the future if gloom returns.

At the point of entering an event or physically joining a group of people, shyness usually arises which makes it hard to. (What I think of as shyness is a blended emotion comprising about two parts embarrassment and one part fear.) This lessens over time for recurring things, and is less the stronger a justification I have for being there, but is rarely absent. This historical society has been my main setting for social contact for fifteen years, I try always to contribute something so that there's a reason for being present, and the threshold-dread is still there; once or twice, when I was an even more comprehensive failure and my presence would thus have required stronger justification, I've got all the way to an event and then slunk away, spending the hours in a carpark or similar nearby, because the threshold-dread defeated me and I could not bear to go in. Walking up to a group of people beside my love is about a tenth as hard as usual, it turns out.

The confident person handling sign-ins at the door started a long conversation with me, and it was... pleasant? Usually when people speak to me - even friends whom I like and want to hear from - up to half my mind is occupied with a certain feeling which it's hard to look at directly when it's there; I think it's a feeling of needing to get away with something; that it's imperative to get through the conversation and retreat without the other person finding something out. I think what they mustn't find out is that I am bad. Fair enough, but this feeling won't stand aside and let the conscious thoughts and social models assess how likely anyone is to find out; it just stands there urging retreat from quite innocuous interactions. On Saturday this stranger told me for half an hour about things she was in the process of making and was proud of (a grand wooden bed and a mural), and I was impressed and liked listening, and the feeling seemed to be on holiday. I'm going to attribute this one to my love too, on suspicion.

The person I was fruitlessly attached to for years prior got up and sang a love duet with one of his partners, to much acclaim. I remember years of occasions like that; the jealousy felt frantic and it felt like grief. And it wasn't based in any belief about owning anybody, as has become popular to say. It was just pain. Step on a bit of glass and see how much propositional content the jabs in your foot have. Anyway, this time I was fine. Hooray!

We laughed so much all Sunday that I think we may have... practised it? Making it easier to start again? When someone laughs while holding you, especially someone with a prominent belly, the abdominal jiggles set your own stomach muscles twitching and the reverberations of air buzz your own chest and you laugh too and you enter a laughter feedback loop. With multiple repetitions in a day, the muscles become conditioned, and great mirth can be generated from very small jokes in fractions of a second. (Not a scientifically validated explanation.)

We fed pigeons by a lake, and sat in the sun for ages watching them bob and gleam. This one isn't a stark difference, but usually there isn't someone else around admiring the pigeons.

[gimblestank-the-goblin]

Andy and Leyley Analysis

Both of Andrew and Ashley's "core" issues seem to stem from the conditional love their mother provided. Its clear from how she (and they) talk during the home invasion that while their mother wanted kids, she didn't really want to put in the work of *raising* them. Thus, she only really loved them when they weren't being a bother (which isn't love at all).

Andrew reacted to this by learning not to be a bother. He became passive.

Ashley reacted by acting out for attention, which pushed her mother and giving her abandonment issues. These then manifested in her constantly *testing* the people around her. Trying to make them leave both as a way to protect herself from harm (by pushing them away before she could form an attachment) and to reassure herself that they *wouldn't* leave. This, obviously, is not a healthy outlook and her coping methods for her issues only exacerbate said issues, but if that were all that were wrong she would be... not fine but a lot less worse than she is. Notably, however, by the time we first see her at about 5(?) years old, she is already displaying an extreme lack of empathy, a distinct cruel streak *and* that she can manipulate her brother via emotional abuse in the form of guilt and threats of self-harm. None of which seems to have *changed* over the course of her life.

Ashley is - at least so far - a relatively flat character. Who she is in the flashbacks is who she is in the present. Even the murder of Nina - the siblings first real crime - does not seem to have affected or changed her in anyway.

This is *very much* in contrast with Andrew. If Ashley's story is that of a flat character arc, then Andrew's story is a descent into darkness. Each flashback - as we move closer and closer to the present - Andrew is becoming *worse*. Doing more and more questionable things, all stemming - it appears - from Nina's death.

And here we get into a bunch of complicated stuff which is all inter-related so I may struggle to lay it out well. But the key point here is that this is when - in the eyes of both Andy and LeyLey - Andy becomes *as bad as her*. And this belief starts his descent into a worse and worse state of mind because he internalizes the idea that he is a bad person.

So I want to lay out the scene. The two kill Nina. Andrew's guilty, but he's also scared. He's scared of being found out. And he's scared of that because he - and Leyley, this will be important later - has internalized the idea - both from watching how his mother treats him and how she treats Leyley - that people who cause problems *are unworthy of love*. He knows, they both know, that if this gets out their mother won't protect them. She won't love them. Leyley says this explicitly

"It's you and me now! No one else will like you. You're a bad person Andy." It is at this moment that Andy internalizes the idea that he is a bad person, unworthy of love. That no one can ever know the real him (and so he can never form a real, meaningful connection) because anyone who knew the "real" him would see him for the monster he is and reject him. No one, that is, except for Leyley.

Again, she says this explicitly. "Andy I know you don't like me... But that doesn't matter anymore. Because from now on, no one will like you either. So let's always be friends okay?"

She is now his *only* support network (as he is hers) and she can use that to control him. Weirdly, this does not create a power imbalance between them, but rather normalizes their relationship. He is now as dependent on her as she is on him, they are *each others* only support network. She does try to push the balance of power between them in her favor by blackmailing him, but he correctly identifies that she is unwilling to lose her only "friend" and so they work out their blood oath.

So that is the story from Andrew's perspective. But what is the story from Leyley's? Well its largely the same, but with a few key differences. See, Leyley had *already* internalized the idea that she was a bad person. Long before Nina's death, Leyley's acting out had isolated her from first her mom, then her friends at school. Because she was a "bad person" and bad people don't deserve (or get) love. Presumably, she reacted to this by embracing it, and by latching onto the only person who didn't push her away (because she had learned to manipulate him) Andrew.

And so Nina's death, which to Andrew was a tragedy, was to Leyley a *miracle*. Because it brought him down to her level. Made him her *equal*. And in doing so it created the co-dependence which led to... well the rest of their problems.

Notably, and I think the core reason why I view Leyley as “worse” than Andrew is that Leyley’s issue can’t be pointed to any singular tragic event. Andrew has the “excuse” of a tragic death, guilt and fear - not to mention Leyley’s manipulations - to explain away why he turns from timid boy with some issues to absolute monster. Leyley, as far as we can see, was always this way. And I can extrapolate outwards to see how this is a reaction to her mother’s lack of love, but it’s clear there was no singular event which drove her to act the way she did. She doesn’t have the excuse of singular tragedy, and so I find her less sympathetic (even if I like her as a character more). 

---

Related, I think it's worth talking about their relationship and blame. Because it's true, to an extent, that Andrew uses Leyley as an excuse for why he “has” to do awful things and deflects the blame onto her. But it's equally true that the Andrew we see after Nina’s death is not the same man who butchered a cultist for meat or murdered his parents. We see his descent through flashbacks and gameplay, watch as he crosses line after line and becomes worse and worse. And I think it's worth noting that Leyley is there every step of the way, pushing him further along. Working to isolate and abuse him so he has no-one to turn to but her. This is most clear in how she works to isolate him from his other female relationships (sending them death threats and threatening phone calls and making up emergencies so he cancels plans) but it is just as easily scene in her threat of blackmail.

And so why they are both bad people - especially at the time of game start - it's clear that Andrew is that way because of a combination of a so-so mom, a terrible tragedy and active abuse by someone close to him. And I find myself more sympathetic to someone whose spent their whole life living with an abuser, then I do with the abuser. Even if by game start they are equally abusive to each other.

[asilentguardian]

Hey friends! Long time no see!!

Just wanted to pop on here to let you know that the fanzine I was apart of (@thebatmanfanbook) just announced that leftover sales will be available later this month!

This means that I can post the piece that I wrote for this zine! This was my first fanzine and I really loved the experience. The book and all of the merch items are truly beautiful and there are so many wonderful artists attached to this project. If you didn't get the chance to grab one the first time around, please consider checking out the left over sale!

My piece is written from Alfred's perspective, which was actually really challenging for me. I'm not used to first person. I'll probably post it on Ao3 later, but for now it's below the cut!

Thursday, November 7th

Bruce came back.

The city has flooded, but Bruce came back. Only for a moment. I could barely see him, crouched in the window of my hospital room. I couldn’t tell if he was injured, but at least he was alive. If I hadn’t been watching the window, I may have missed him.

The hospital has been in overdrive since the explosions rang out around the city.

I can no longer see the streets from the safety of my room. The news has mentioned the Batman a few times, so I know he’s still standing. I don’t doubt that he’s working himself to the bone to try and fix this in any way he can.

I know that Gotham needs him. That his presence is doing more good than he knows, but I can’t help but feel that I need him here more. I fear that he’ll collapse, that he’ll push past his limits and drown in that wretched sea.

He’s always looked more like his mother, but I suppose he’s more like his father than either of us realize. Thomas always loved Gotham more than Gotham loved him—he was committed to the city in the same way he was committed to his family. It seems that Bruce has inherited this. Perhaps he’s inherited that particular brand of Wayne stubbornness, too.

Once Thomas got an idea in his head, it was impossible to sway him. I saw it in Martha, too, and now I see it in Bruce. It scares me how much Bruce reminds me of Thomas. I worry he’ll make the same mistakes.

Thomas was a good man, but he was blinded by his belief in other people. I often wonder why he didn’t come to me before going to see Falcone in the first place. I knew he was worried, agitated by what they were digging up about Martha, but he didn’t say anything. He was never overly candid with me, and I’m afraid that’s another trait he’s passed to his son.

Death has always followed the Waynes, and I fear that it will follow Bruce into this madness. Bruce, who once spent his evenings rescuing bugs from the manor halls, even after being told that they would only find a way back inside. I can’t imagine him committing the kind of violence that lesser men have. But I never imagined Thomas to be one to inflict violence, and, indirectly or not, he was responsible for a man’s death. Perhaps he was even responsible for his own and Martha’s.

This path that Bruce has chosen is not one that will remain bloodless. The weight on his shoulders has already permanently changed him. How much more weight until he breaks under it? How long until I attend another funeral?

I am not a young man, but I have many years left to live. Martha once confided in me all that she had sacrificed to become Bruce’s mother, and that she would do it all twice over. If Bruce has chosen his path, then I must stop shielding myself behind my title. To be truthful, I stopped thinking of myself as Bruce’s butler many years ago. I do not wish to bury my son.

I fear for him. I’ve always worried for him, as parents are wont to do, but this helpless worry is a beast that is still unfamiliar to me. And yet, also as unfamiliar is the bright hope he’s unearthed in me.

I am proud of the effect Bruce has had on Gotham, however small it may be. I know that he can do more, if only he would get out of his own bloody way. Perhaps if he sees the good that Bruce Wayne could accomplish his weight would lessen.

I know he’s made some vows of his own, to his parents and to his city. If this is the path he’s chosen, then I vow to follow him and keep him on the right path. If not for his parents, then for me. If not for his parents, then for himself.

[ravenkinnie]

i think jinx still has the inner ambition inside to destroy piltover. its already implanted in her by both vi and silco, just in their own words (1. "one day, this city will respect us" 2. "we'll show them. we'll show them all). even when vi joins the enforcers, i think jinx will see vi as blinded by caitlyn and it'll futher fuel her piltover bloodthirst, out of hatred but also thinking that she will win vi back again if she makes her childhood vow to make piltover 'respect' zaun come true.

there is this one post that explains how in jinx's mind, there are forces more powerful than love and that is ambitions/ideals/dreams/etc. people can abandon their loved ones for a dream or an ideal and jinx internalized this first from her parents who could've been alive if only they chose to stay with their daughters but left them for war.

i think jinx believes vi will abandon cait no matter how much she loves her if only jinx achieves what she believes vi still desires since childhood.

and if anyone told jinx that vi may no longer has the same ambition anymore, she'll turn a blind ear and spit. because the shared dream she has with vi they vowed together on the rooftop is the one last link she shares with her sister that she's got left.

(also yes jinx at the end symbolically severs her ties with vi but lets be real she is still very much emotionally attached to her sister bcs jinx is doomed to always want what she cant have)

I do think her main drive will be to cause chaos and wreckage, whether as an emotional response or some delusional form of commemoration. I do think that this feels like an incomplete motivation though like the centre of her character HAS shifted, she's not searching for acceptance anymore and there's no one she would be seeking it out from, this aspect of her relationship with vi has already been severed and if they went back on it it would just feel redundant from a storytelling perspective. I don't think she will want to 'win vi back' or sth like that has already been the story, her desire for reconciliation and now that desire has been replaced by belief that its not possible

it's clear that it makes sense that jinxs drive will shift in the second season but what exactly it will shift to is very up in the air, like I personally don't like what you laid out here because I think that's an extremely weak drive for her character that would just keep repeating over and over themes that were already laid out and engaged with and now after a turnover of the finale it should instead push it in a new direction instead of going over the same things. christian linke said about s2 even that now that they laid out who these characters are they can start dismantling it and THATS so interesting to me, to think about how jinxs character can be dismantled

my ideal for jinx is to become a more calculated terrorist HDHDHDH she is an extremely emotionally reactive person, she internalised ideals from vi or vander or silco (probs not her parents, I think she was too young to know them like that, as people more than caregivers and what she knows of them is probably what has been passed on from vi. but in a way this id secondhand grief and their experiences of parental loss are completely different but thats a whole other thing) but it's clear these are completely secondary to her inner emotional reality - using her weapon against piltover wasn't even the main point of the dinner spectacle, her confusion about the emotional bonds in her life was. she clearly did not have a larger goal in mind for the outcome of it and she would have ran off with vi and said fuck all yall zaunites if she believed it meant vi would be forever tied to her unconditionally - but she didn't. I think moving from purely emotional landscape of her actions and motivations to one motivated by more overarching goals or beliefs too is a realistic goal and also goes beyond a mid redemption arc or going in circles over the same relationship dynamics - and it means jinx could become an actually potentially dangerous and powerful player in the power vacuum of zaun beyond just her penchant for violence - and it doesn't mean those ties she started to sever at the end of s1 are completely done because they will be running in circles in some way but if you want it to be narratively satisfying she can't be going over the same things the whole season so there will have to be progress there somewhere and I think it will end up somewhere halfway between estrangement and dependency. they will never be free from each other but they will have their own stories running parallel. I think how little jinx actually cares about the ideals she's been surrounded by will be a part of that dismantling, the reality of what a volatile substance in zauns ecosystem she is but also maybe how what she internalised more than beliefs is the notion of power

(alternatively, vi can say fuck it and let being attached to jinx forever ruin her and that's sexy too but I just don't think arcane is a story that would choose this but remember!! tragedy is always a great narrative)

[sapphire-weapon]

i’m not sure if you’ve talked about this before so my bad if you have, but i thought this tweet as interesting and feels like yet another nail hammered into aeon’s coffin by the game itself: https://x.com/JENITOP1A/status/1722002324431008122?s=20

If this interpretation holds up, I'm even happier that I got that design tattooed on me LMAO

But yeah this is very THINGS ARE DIFFERENT NOW. THE CHARACTERS ARE DIFFERENT.

The moth symbolism sounds a lot like the Death card in tarot. This is a good description I've found:

The Death card symbolizes the end of a major phase or aspect of your life that you realize is no longer serving you, opening up the possibility of something far more valuable and essential. You must close one door to open another. You need to put the past behind you and part ways, ready to embrace new opportunities and possibilities. It may be difficult to let go of the past, but you will soon see its importance and the promise of renewal and transformation. If you resist these necessary endings, you may experience pain, both emotionally and physically, but if you exercise your imagination and visualize a new possibility, you allow more constructive patterns to emerge.

Similarly, Death shows a time of significant transformation, change, and transition. You need to transform yourself and clear away the old to bring in the new. Any change should be welcomed as a positive, cleansing, transformational force in your life. The death and clearing away of limiting factors can open the door to a broader, more satisfying experience of life.

[...]

Finally, Death is a sign that you need to learn to let go of unhealthy attachments in your life to pave the way to a fuller, more fulfilled life of deeper meaning and significance. Death teaches you to let go of outworn and outgrown ways of life and to move forward from them. This is a perfect card to break a bad habit or pattern of behavior. See this as a time to cut out excess and let go of what is unnecessary for your life. Purge the old belongings, memories and baggage that are getting in your way.

This is different from Ada's symbolism, which is probably best explained with the Star card:

As The Star follows The Tower card in Tarot, it comes as a welcome reprieve after a period of destruction and turmoil. You have endured many challenges and stripped yourself bare of any limiting beliefs that have previously held you back. You are realizing your core essence, who you are beneath all the layers. No matter what life throws your way, you know that you are always connected to the Divine and pure loving energy. You hold a new sense of self, a new appreciation for the core of your Being.

[...]

You may also want to find or rediscover a sense of meaning, inspiration, or purpose in your life. You are making some significant changes in your life, transforming yourself from the old you to the new you and, in doing so, you are bringing about a fresh perspective: “Out with the old and in with the new!” You are choosing the highest version of yourself. This is a profound spiritual journey that will bring greater meaning and purpose into your life and will renew your inner energy. Strip back any limiting beliefs, facades, or deceptions, and live in your authentic nature. Be open to new ideas and growth, and listen to the still voice within.

It really follows what we've been saying for a long time here, in that they hold each other back. Ada made Leon's life miserable, and he has to let go of what she's done to him to move forward. And if Ada sheds her connection to him, she'll become a better version of herself.

[4dkellysworld]

Signs of Progress

The below is the result of a conversation I had with ChatGPT which I edited a bit. I thought it was great and might be useful to some so wanted to share it here. These are some signs that you've made progress on this path (it expands on what Lester talks about). I think it paints a pretty good picture of what it looks like when one has progressed on this path and can be helpful to check in with yourself and your practices (although do this from a place of peace and freedom, not from ego!).

Detachment from Ego and Self-Identification

Dissolving of Personal Story: The story of “me” becomes less dominant in your thoughts. You stop identifying with past experiences, achievements, or failures, and see them as events that happened to the body-mind but not to your true self. The constant narrative of “who you are” loses its significance.

Decreased Ego Involvement: Ego-driven thoughts like “I need to prove myself” or “I must protect my image” become rare. You no longer feel the need to build an identity through actions, achievements, or relationships. When ego-driven desires arise, you notice them and let them pass without identifying with them.

Ongoing Release of Ego Concepts: You have let go of many ego-driven thoughts, beliefs, and past conditioning, recognizing them as not truly you. You can recognize when egoic thoughts or reactions arise, but instead of getting pulled into them, you watch them like passing clouds. As ego concepts arise, you continue to observe them without attachment, understanding that these are just passing mental phenomena rather than aspects of your true self. There’s a growing distance between these thoughts and your awareness, which makes it easier to remain non-identified. This ongoing process of recognizing and releasing these patterns helps you stay detached from the ego and reinforces your non-identification with it.

Not Labelling or Adding Meaning: You no longer define, label or attach significance, meaning, stories or judgments to life and its experiences—everything is seen as simply neutral. You perceive events and sensations without categorizing them as good or bad, right or wrong, this or that. This allows you to maintain a neutral and clear awareness, and engage with life directly and openly, free from the distortions of personal judgments and biases. By not attaching any meaning, you allow each moment to be experienced in its pure form.

Indifference and Non-Resistance

Emotional Detachment: You find yourself emotionally neutral, regardless of circumstances. Feelings may arise, but they pass through without sticking to you, without your involvement. This doesn’t mean apathy, but rather that you aren’t emotionally swayed by external events or your own thoughts. There’s an inner stability that isn’t disrupted by the ups and downs of life.

Consistent Indifference to Externals: You are consistently indifferent to the world’s events. This doesn’t mean you don’t care, but that the happenings of the external world don’t disturb your inner peace regardless of what happens. You watch them with detachment, knowing that they don’t define you.

Non-Resistance to Pain or Discomfort: Physical or emotional discomfort is less likely to throw you into resistance or avoidance. You recognize that pain is a passing experience, not something to be attached to or defined by, allowing you to experience it without adding suffering through mental resistance.

Presence and Flow

Living in the Now: You spend far less time in your mind thinking about the past or future. Being present in the moment becomes your default state. The mind quiets down, and you’re more present in the here and now, with fewer distractions pulling you away from the present. You find a natural ease in maintaining a calm, unobtrusive mental state.

Openness to Life’s Flow: You stop resisting life’s natural rhythm. There’s an acceptance that whatever happens is part of a greater unfolding. You trust the process, even when it doesn’t align with your preferences. You are open and allow whatever may happen, even when it brings discomfort, because you’re no longer attached to how things “should” be.

Effortlessness in Action: There’s a shift where actions become more effortless, as though life is flowing through you rather than you trying to push or force things to happen. You no longer feel the pressure of “making things happen” but instead act naturally in each moment as needed, without the stress of outcome-based thinking.

Fresh Innocence and Curiosity: You approach life with a child-like sense of curiosity, exploring experiences with wonder and without preconceived judgments. You see life with a sense of innocence and an open and fresh perspective, allowing experiences to unfold without attaching meaning or being affected by past beliefs, feelings or experiences. This allows you to experience each moment as it is—fresh and unfiltered. You engage with the world playfully and openly, treating each moment as a fresh discovery rather than through the lens of past conditioning.

Freedom without Expectations

Freedom from Expectations: You let go of expectations, both from yourself and others. Instead of being driven by future outcomes or the desire for things to go a certain way, you’re more focused on simply being and allowing life to unfold. "Your" actions are more about allowing the flow of life to happen as it does rather than controlling or predicting it.

A Growing Sense of Freedom: There’s an expanding sense of freedom, not tied to circumstances, but coming from the inner realization that you are not bound by the mind, ego, or external world. This freedom is quiet but profound, where life’s pressures and demands lose their hold over you.

Acceptance of Impermanence: You come to deeply understand that everything in the external world is transient. Rather than clinging to experiences, objects, or people, you accept that everything is in constant change. You stop resisting this fact, which results in less struggle and more inner peace.

Joy and Connection

Spontaneous Joy or Contentment: As identification decreases, you might notice a natural sense of joy, peace, or contentment arising, not because of any external reason, but simply because you’re no longer entangled with ego. This joy is subtle and doesn’t depend on outer conditions; it’s a result of being at ease with what is.

Deeper Connection to Others and Nature: As ego identification fades, you may feel a deeper sense of connection to others, not from needing validation, but from genuine compassion and empathy. You might also feel more connected to nature as the boundaries between "you" and the world soften.

Synchronicity and Harmony

Synchronicity and Flow: As you detach from controlling life and the mind, you may notice an increase in synchronicities—meaningful coincidences that feel as though life is guiding you. Life unfolds in a way that feels more harmonious, and things “just happen” without you trying to force them.