#'well idk maybe it's not ADHD'

[thelightofthingshopedfor]

this time, I told myself, this time I'd do it right, I'd actually make a plan for my week off and I’d get a lot of things done, or at least I’d get some of the things done that are either urgent or that I’ve been needing to do for months or even years, and not just come to the end of the week hating myself more for having had all that time and wasted it

reader, you'll never guess what happened next

I mean, I did get some stuff done! Several things, in fact, but I didn't even finish all the urgent things or get to any of the things I've been meaning to do for months/years, and I barely made a dent in the list of stuff I felt like I should have been able to do during an entire week, so now I feel way worse about it than if I hadn't taken the time off to begin with. and in fact instead of trying to get through at least a couple more things on my list today, I spent most of it basically just trying to distract myself from the spiral of self-loathing...which is to say, not doing any of the things I actually needed to be doing, because that would first require me to choose one of them, which would require me to think about all of them and choose others to give up on doing...which of course also means getting to the end of the day with more panic and self-loathing about the things I could have done and didn’t, and feeling like I should stay up late to do something but I can’t fucking choose because it’s too late to do everything now because I fucked it all up again, and choosing one thing means acknowledging I already failed, is that the problem? when I’m still scrambling for a way to make that not be true even though it’s not possible because, you know, the week’s already over?

but, okay, I did some things, it wasn’t enough but I did some things

made some appointments

got my updated covid booster

did a ton of playtesting, proofreading, and bug reporting in the VN I’m helping test (this admittedly took up way more time than I expected)

wrote and mailed like...35 postcards to voters, which would feel like more of an accomplishment if I didn’t have at least 50 more that should go out on Monday

tentatively arranged some pin trades, mailed another one

bought postcard stamps

hung the biggest of my new pin boards so it doesn’t get knocked over again (there’s nothing on it yet, it’s just out of the way now)

took Hazy to get her nails trimmed

bought...some stuff...from some small business...there were sales, okay, don’t judge me

left some comments on some fics

also left a bunch of Etsy reviews

made a super simple custom Lego minifig Loki, although I’m probably still going to change it; also ordered additional Loki minifigs to do so

took some pictures for eBay

which doesn’t look at all bad when you list it like that, except when you consider I could have probably done most of this stuff in a normal week while working, and the list of things I really, really meant to do was not all that long but the things on it were significant, so...I don’t fucking know.

[lazylittledragon]

isn't it weird how if you get up at 7 or 8, do your work all day, then have free time and go to bed at 11 that's absolutely fine

but if i said i get up at 10, do fun stuff in the morning then work in the evening and go to bed late, i could be called lazy, nevermind that i'm getting just as much or MORE work done as i would in a traditional work day

[sihtricfedaraaahvicius]

Take me.

Note: a tiny little story to help with the drought😮‍💨

Warnings: 18+! fluff/smut.

pairing: Sihtric x you (f)

summary: you and Sihtric were reunited after a battle. 

wordcount: 653

Masterlist

Sihtric's mismatched eyes were glazed over. His lips curled into a dazed smile while his rough, warm hands wandered your bare skin as you laid underneath him. His body weight pleasantly pressed onto you as he was positioned between your thighs. His hair was dishevelled, after your fingers had tugged his braids when you felt the warmth of his lips onto yours, kissing you intensely and deeply until he had you undressed and picked up in his arms, carrying you to the bed.

The warrior had missed you, his wife, immensely when he had been away to fight what would be unbeknownst to you both his last battle, for peace was within close range. As soon as he had returned home on horseback and his eyes had landed on you in the cheering crowd, he dismounted and allowed you to leap into his arms. You had buried your face in his neck and your fingers curled around his leather armour. Sihtric; your husband, your sanctuary and the keeper of your heart had returned to you without any grave injuries, and no more time was wasted. No words were spoken for your eyes told each other everything one needed to know, and your lips immediately locked into a fiery kiss, pouring out the happiness and relief of being reunited again.

And now Sihtric gazed down into your eyes as he was on top of you, unclothed and scarcely covered by the warm furs. His hot, ragged breath feelable on your face while his tattooed fingers tenderly brushed over your warm cheeks. He then leaned in and kissed softly underneath your ear, his tongue stroking your skin in between teasing kisses and kittenish nibbles, dragging his lips down to your pulse point. Your breath hitched when he sank his teeth delicately in your neck, marking you with his endless love while he teased your folds with his arousal, readying you to take him after being separated for far too long.

His growls sounded low and heavy in your ear, making you tremble with anticipation and desperate to feel him inside you and to be as close as you can possibly be, never wanting to let him leave you ever again. You wrapped your arms around him and buried your face in his neck, inhaling his earthly scent as he lifted your leg and hooked it around his waist.

'I missed you,' he breathed in your ear and bit the soft skin.

'And I missed you,' you murmured against his shoulder, 'I love you.'

'I love you more,' Sihtric whispered, to which you softly protested.

He chuckled in your ear, and you gasped when he abruptly sheathed inside you and kept still, wanting to feel your walls clench around him. You mewled, desperately, begging him to move. But Sihtric took pleasure in hearing you beg for him and he wanted to hear more before he would give you what you wanted.

'Please, Sihtric,' you rasped, 'give me more.'

'More?' he laughed quietly, his lips grazing your ear as he spoke while he moved with slow, deep strokes, 'you want more?' he murmured.

'Please,' you begged and clawed his muscular back.

'Please,' Sihtric mocked, lovingly, 'you're so sweet when you beg for me,' he whispered and pushed hard inside you.

He stilled inside you again and hummed softly, watching you with a satisfied grin as you almost cried out for him.

'So beautiful,' Sihtric whispered, smiling, and he pecked your lips, 'so desperate for me,' he kissed your lips again, then grabbed your chin and his eyes darkened, 'I will give you more, my love,' his voice soft and playfully threatening, 'but I don't want to hear you whine that it's too much. I know you can handle me,' he murmured against your lips and chuckled again, 'mhm, and you will take me all the way, like the good and devoted wife that you are for me.'

taglist: @foxyanon @alexagirlie @sihtricsafin @neonhairspray @gemini-mama @lexwolfhale @sigtryggrswifey @skyofficialxx @djarinsgirl27 @m-a-s-h-k-a @verenahx @mrsarnasdelicious @diiickbrainn @little-diable @maii777 @urmomsgirlfriend1 @dixie-elocin @elle4404 @bubblyabs @ylvie50 @succnfuccubus @hb8301 @willowbrookesblog @apolloanddaphnis

If you want to be added/removed from the taglist, message me 🖤

[lesbiansanemi]

I hate when I’ll be complaining about some stupid bullshit a coworker does to other coworkers and half the time their response is to lower their voice and go “well…. You know…. I’m pretty sure they’re… on the spectrum, you know?” And every time I have a split second when I have to consider saying “you know I’m autistic, right?” just to make them vaguely uncomfortable for a few minutes and actually think about what they’re implying but of course I do not do that because the gratification is not worth a large sect of shitty coworkers knowing that about me and then talking about me like that every time I do something vaguely annoying or dumb but man…. It does get tempting sometimes

[caffeinatedopossum]

"Adhd meds are LITERALLY meth!" *strangles you with my lab coat*

[measureyourlifeincake]

just took an adhd assessment and... i honestly dont see how this will be sufficient for giving me a diagnosis? i just had to take two tests, one where i had to hit the space bar when hearing a high pitch after a low pitch (as opposed to after *just* hearing the high pitch), and one where a bunch of letters flashed on the screen and i had to hit the space bar when any of them except for x popped up and like... i don't see how this has anything to do with any of the issues i actually experience in my life due to my probable adhd???? like ok i guess it has something to do with focus? which is a part of the whole adhd thing but not all of it? i did take a (very brief) adhd questionnaire as one of my intake forms before seeing this psych for the first time but that wasn't part of the assessment itself but even that (which was only like. 15 questions? maybe?) seemed like it had more to do with how i experience adhd

[curiouschaosstarlight]

Bit random, but I hate trying to get any kind of diagnosis for what is, to me, increasingly obvious ADHD.

Like, I can focus when I'm in a doctor's appointment or with a therapist. It's the thing I allocate all my brain space to because I want so badly to be efficient, (and partially because I can't shake the feeling that, most easily summarized, "I want a Good Grade in being a patient (which is a totally normal thing to want and possible to achieve)"), and I usually take hours out of my day to mentally prepare right before an appointment. (And appointments usually don't last 4-8hrs.)

And I'm terrible at explaining myself. I always either explain so vaguely that my symptoms are shrugged off or misattributed, or, apparently, if I get TOO specific (because I've been looking into this shit), then it "looks like [I'm] trying to get drugs". (Apparently because adderall is a stimulant. Because...god forbid I want my stupid broken brain to work and I want people to fucking take me seriously for once instead of going "oh that doesn't mean anything"?)

No one will fucking listen to me. Even if I get my insurance back, I feel pretty sure I'll never get a fucking diagnosis because I can't convince ANYONE to just give me an ADHD test or refer me to a place that will actually take my insurance AND give me a test.

But at the same time, I can't work. I can't do my projects properly, I can't do school properly, and I can't work properly. For personal stuff, stuff that's supposed to be fun, I have to either wait for bursts of motivation, or try to push myself, which is almost physically painful when I don't have the hyperfixation driving me on it. For work or school, I can start off really strong, but once I get into the routine of it, I get bored and understimulated and it affects my performance. And that's IF I'm not in a high-stress situation, like a lunch rush or something, where my anxiety and ADHD will create a feedback loop that almost always shunts me into a full-on emotional breakdown.

And this is all apparently not disabled enough for me to qualify for disability.

I just want to be able to function like a human being, or not have to worry about food.

I don't know why that's apparently a fucking crime.

[loppiopio]

i've been sitting on this post for a few days now and it's literally just, me making assumptions about kudos i've noticed on fics lately (particularly aci since i've been checking that fic every week for book club these past few months) and this'll make me seem more insane than i already come off but by this point. how much lower can i go?

just going from top to down as of today.

[ShibaLee] i know you from your art on here!! tumblr user shibaleeart i'm happy to see more people in potentially enjoying the stories this fandom has to offer :>

[reiscm] shizuchansmilk?? what are youuu doing here? i didn't know you read shizaya fic tbh and i was surprised to see you here suddenly, relatively recently too. does that mean you just started the fic then?? after at least a year of being in the fandom right? maybe this wasn't from your first time reading it (same) but at the very least it shows you visited it not too long ago… i may be delusional in thinking i could be a contributing factor there because, why now? it's not like i'm the only aci advocate out there but i've probably been the most vocal about it around this time soo… well whatever it is, hope you had fun with it! i'm so curious what drrr comedian shizuchansmilk thinks about hit fanfiction a cheap imitation 👁️

i'm also recognising some of the other names around here like [anonymooose] and [durarasaiki] even though i haven't the faintest idea who they might be. i've just been seeing them lately across different shizaya fics which probably means these are the people doing their shizaya fic dive around this time. i have nothing more to add there i just, think it's cool noticing the same names across fics like yeah, we all feasting on the shizaya tag rn.

[ya_boi_twink] it took me a second to recall where i'd recognised your name from and then it hit me. i knoooow you! tumblr user yaboitwink in my notifs… i appreciate you, and i'm glad you liked the things i made for it c:

[bun_o_ween] oh i know you're here because of mr crapo. i hope you guys had fun with it! i wanna take the chance to also admit that like. the moment i found out you were that sebastian writer i experienced the wildest sense of deja vu. because. i had seen your name on ao3 before. but when i checked your fics there was no way i'd read a fic from you?? so then i realised i must have recognised you... through other kudos on other fics??? dude. i must sound crazy, i have no way of proving this because i actually don't remember what fics these were i just vaguely remember it was either bsd or tgcf? that i was looking at fics for, trying to find something to sate my hunger at the time. and i just remember, noticing your name across like a few of these fics in a row and thinking "heh someone else has been going down the same rabbit hole" AND NOW I SEE YOU AND CRAPO OF SHIZAYA FANDOM HITTING IT OFF it was surreal. like. my awareness of you had zero to do with black butler, i could not have predicted that you would have been the random ao3 user i'd seen apparently enjoying some of the same fics i was not too long ago. wow.

there are like two separate flamingo related names around here [niceflamingo] and [flamingoo] which doesn't mean anything but for some reason they are standing out enough for me to want to mention them. i feel like i've seen ao3 user flamingoo in the kudos of some other fic before but idk.

[Luzki] omg hey!! twitter artist vi_138_ woah hiii funny seeing you here :0 especially like. not so long ago? since i'd imagined you would've been aware of the fandom for a while since you seem more invested in the alts than shizuo and izaya in particular? well it was cool seeing that you'd read this one, i hope ya had fun!

[frogsarefriends] right under that is artist hallucxnating >:O i know they've read the fic already but it was cool to actually recognise their kudo down here, especially since it's like. not recognisable just from the name alone, but you've shared links to this ao3 as your writing so now i know it's you. my impression is that you came into the fandom through slavhew since, i'd connected the dots at some point that you two were friends which. made a lot of sense since i noticed you both started being active around here at the same time lol. but hey!! welcome to the club :D

[7FlyingPancakes7] this is one of the ones i'd noticed earlier on during book club, i distinctly remember checking a chapter while walking home one night (because i do that i guess) then BAM what the hell?? i just see tumblr user mari-lair's ao3 appear down there, totally out of nowhere for me. for context this was a writer from the tpn fandom i recognise from like 4 years ago? idk it's been a while, i didn't talk to them much but they were active in the fandom at the time so i'm familiar with their name. i haven't been keeping up with them but last i'd seen they seemed to be into tbhk with no indication as far as i was aware that they'd shown any interest in shizaya. nothing wrong with that it was just unexpected, so i was just like woah!! how did you get here? i am so curious how they may have come across this fic, was it some rec from a friend? how familiar are they with shizaya? how invested were they in the story and characters? enough to go down more of shizaya's greatest hits? anyways, that was just a fun little small world moment for me.

[psych0tastic] hey isn't this…. axietoh? like, the artist who used to draw shizaya like 5 years ago? what are they doing here so high up the list? 🤔 i have no clue lol i still follow them because i really like their art style but i hadn't noticed their interest in shizaya resurfacing... i suppose they just haven't been too active on these socials in general. anyways their name stood out to me and i was like, wait….. well it's a shocker seeing their name so high up here, were they reading this fic for the first time there or were they revisiting it and happened to have not kudo'd it until then? well anyways, it's nice to see they've revisted the fic within the last two years at least :0 that's cool to me.

[MiyukiWynter] dude i was feeling crazy just now trying to figure out where i'd recognised this name from because i'd swwooooorn i'd seen it from somewhere like as someone on twitter?? i think i was mixing them up in my mind with unrelated (as far as i'm aware) twitter user miiyankhr but turns out they're someone who's fics i've seen in the tags before. i haven't read them myself but apparently they just posted a new one two days ago so that's crazy.

[Dodomka] heyyy it's dodo from twitter, hellooo 👋 they've been the biggest supporter for my deep in the sauce fic tweets and for that i appreciate them very much :3 didn't expect to see them here tbh i wasn't aware of when they'd first read the fic but as i was expanding the list a few times to write up this post i noticed their name here and just thought that was neat. shout-out to them!

[mochi010] there's a user named mochi that has shown up in my twitter notifs somewhat regularly and they have nothing on their account so i have zero clue what they might be like outside from that they've been liking my shizuo and izaya retweets. their handle isn't even mochi so i have very little reason to believe this could be them but idk, maybe? no conclusion has been made here. well i already spent time writing and cleaning up the paragraph, guess i'm leaving it in.

shout-out to [ouiouipussay] and [ramenflavorpacketsnorter420] just for having some names that stand out lol. i don't recognise you from anywhere but, i guess now i will if i ever come across those names again.

[Stupidusernamepolicy] i struggled to find you amidst all these names for the writing of this post 💀 had to ctrl+f that shit. but i remember seeing your name here while i was going through the list some days before and being like "oh hey!! it's slavhew :)" but okay there's actually a tangent i've been wanting to go on from here.

outside of aci i've actually been noticing you and hallucxnating double duo'ing under some fics together, like after the story era which i'd reread after hallu reminded me of its existence in a reply, and also sacramental which i had reread because of your reply, lol. i find this quite funny, just like. this visual representation of you two reading and recommending fics with each other. then you talk about it on twitter and more people like me are visiting this fic too. chain reaction of sharing stories :)

ALSO [anonymooose] and [durarasaiki] spotted down here in some of these kudos too!! that's craazy. wow. i tell you guys i'm recognising these names i'm not just crazy 😭

[NotElectricT] this took me a second to dig up again since it's quite buried down that list at this point but the plan i'd had in mind for this post was to end on this one since i saw them kudo it right in front of me (through the vc stream) and i didn't think this post would get as long as it did but... well i already wrote it 😬 but yeah, this is my good friend note! check out this art they made for, still one of their favourite chapters, sharks fly. it's sandwiched in between some squid game au they made for a gift exchange for me..... it's a long story i don't wanna talk about it (embarrassing......)

but what i do wanna talk about!! is how note (referred to as "patient zero" regarding aci book club by the only other patient lol) just decided to read this fic completely of their own volition?? i didn't tell them to do that and for sure didn't expect them of all people to try reading it, ever (they're not really a fic reader) but they just did that, two years ago. and that was like, insane to me at the time because it's seriously so out of their depth guys they don't do enemies to lovers.... they still don't lol. but i was insane about this fic back then with no one to really be insane about it to so i just yelled about it to these friends out of context and i guess???? that was convincing enough to get this one to start the longest fic they'd ever read 💀

i had much fun having someone experience the fic i'd been insane over..... like i'm smiling about it rn thinking about the time i did a live reading of the chainsaw man (as i like to call him) chapter which was so fun i kinda forgot i had a hamilton musical i was supposed to watch that evening... that was awkward. and other chats we exchanged regarding the fic (they were reading chapters whenever they felt like it which i enjoyed because i like pacing these things out) but for some reason (i think things just happened around the time that disrupted the momentum) they never made it past chapter 26 😔 which was tragic to me but oh well....

well i'm am even more insane about this fic now because of this convoluted chain of events that gradually built and cascaded me towards whatever the fuck i'm doing now!! god. i've never made so much, anything, like ever. until now. because both note and rosa (who has not kudo'd this fic as far as i'm aware lol) made the decision beyond my expectations to commit to, a book club. which i organised. and i've been having a lot of fun! so much fun, there's all this wild "marketing" stuff i've been churning out in record fucking time by my standards. i've never felt so creatively fulfilled dude, never finished a thing in my life until these past few months. so that's awesome, and it's in large part because of note having committed to this fic again. so that's some of the story behind that one kudo haha.

and now we're at chapter 49, we're supposed to be talking about it tomorrow, which is today by now since it's 1 am but uhhhhhhh writing is so hard. i was supposed to just be cleaning up this draft i'd written like 5 days ago? i am now very hungry. there's actually more i'd drafted up from here just from more names i recognised as i kept expanding the kudo list that day buuuut i'm fuckeeeen cutting this off right here. i need to stop. the end.

[adustoflove]

Sometimes I suspect autism and then I immediately push it down into the gutter and forget that I could ever have it. Like why was I so shy my kindergarten teacher who was 70 at the time and had been doing it for about 40-50 years suspected something was wrong with how shy I was and only when my sibling came during parent teacher conferences did she think this kid is a Little Normal because at least I played with them 😭 why do I walk on my toes and pace around listening to the same song on repeat for 4 hours. Why do I SUCK at making conversation irl and freeze up and feel stuck like I can't do anything when people are watching me. What is wrong with my brain other than the fact that I'm mentally a little unwell

[acronym49]

A handful of animations I've done over the month!

[nami-moittli]

ADD Ortho who always has 15 things running through her head at a time

ADD Ortho who’s always listening to music

ADD Ortho who you could have a conversation with, but she’s also texting three other people and going down a rabbit hole of information while being completely focused on all of that

ADD Ortho who has motion sensors and a GPS map because otherwise she’d bump into walls and people all the time due to her vision being obscured from all the different tabs she has open

ADD Ortho who will mess up her words because she has so much information she wants to dump

ADD Ortho resolving to use her two microphones (the circle things on her cheeks) separately to get more out at the same time (does not work, and the overlap makes it hard to understand so she has to repeat what she said)

ADD Ortho who has a habit of twirling her bangs as a stim

[lucysweatslove]

Finally back home!

So the “testing” was literally a brief 30 min convo where she asked some clarifying questions from my intake form and then I did the WAIS-IV. That’s it, just the WAIS. The psychologist did tell me though that she isn’t interpreting my scores on the typical IQ scale but is looking at how my own scores compare to each other. The psychometrist was taking times I think in between lines and for each problem, so I’m curious if they will be looking at how I fatigue and my error rate as time goes on for some tasks like the processing speed ones.

I also hate the general knowledge questions because how tf am I supposed to know the circumference of the earth around the equator in this setting if I have never not once heard it? I tried doing the fermi problem way of rationalizing it but I couldn’t quite scale what I know to be ~300 mi to the equator in my head. Whatever. And like. I give 0 shits about any European historical monarchy (or history in general- why bother remembering specifics when the internet exists) so my brain has pruned any of that information I may have gotten 15 years ago and thus I couldn’t tell you that stuff. I always hate how it’s administered because I have a VAST knowledge of anything sciency (you know, things I’m interested in) but nah if you cant remember who one monarch was and then can’t remember a geography question then who cares how much science info you’ve retained.

Anyway I was expecting that computer based attention test but nope just intelligence testing. And I won’t find out concrete results for 3 more weeks so I’ll see the NP before then. I was hoping to get some answers and be on a first trial medicine before I go to my rural site (one month from today) but I guess probably not. And I guess that’s also if they see patterns of ADHD in me. Which they might as I tend to do poorly on processing speed and working memory tests, I just don’t know if the effect size will be large enough for them to agree that yes I have adhd.

[dykekakashi]

it's time

[iceeericeee]

I wonder how many tags i can add on to this

[smute]

90% of the time i hate my brain but occasionally it surprises me. a couple days ago i was trying to get through this journal article and it was a complete disaster. like i just kept getting distracted, i had to start every sentence over like 5 times and im sure it took me 2 hours to get through the whole thing. in the end i felt like i had retained absolutely nothing. anyway, fast forward to last night and im suddenly recalling things from that article? how does that make sense? like sure some texts you have to digest... but how did my brain do that without me noticing? its as if my subconscious just sat on these thoughts for days and now they're coming out. lmao

[jiggery-duggery]

how I look suggesting to my group partners that we do our bio presentation on vultures