#............remind me again why I keep doubting that I have ADHD? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

orenjikaraka · 1 year

Text

Nucifera - ch. 3

Billy Hargrove x reader series

Peeps tags: @strawhatgamergirl @puppybittingotherpuppy

Author’s note: sorry for the long wait but wooo, also I made Jordan Mix, he still looks white but ya know a little slight tan, because he’s white and black, but also I usually have burn out because I have adhd, but here we are, but I hope everyone likes it, oh also I put emoji’s, even though it’s the 80’s.

Chapters: ch.1, ch.2, ch.4

Warnings: blood, a gun :D, cursing, slurs, anxiety and gore

Word count: 6251

Billy’s POV

2 weeks has passed, hospital appointments by hospital appointments, some physical therapy appointments to some police reports from the mall incident, it was roughly disappointing because his doctor told him he has to be in protective custody, which his first internal thought was ‘what a load of fucking bullshit’; feeling internally trap in one setting, feels isolating and rubbish. (Y/n) tried to help by talking to his doctor that it was her fault, it was her idea. But Billy cut it off by saying it’s ok, it’s no biggie, even though his brain was running on screws and wiring that is just going to all fall apart; at the beginning his doctor advised him to exercise, which hurts like he was being stabbed repeatedly, not until (Y/n) gave him some lessons for some easier solutions, a month later got half his weight back, it made him kinda more comfortable to look at himself in the mirror, except that massive hellish scar brings shivers down his spine; doing regular exercises was much easier to operate, even got (Y/n) to sit on his back for when he’s doing push ups; brought some of his confidence back up, but that fucking mind flayer keeps crawling back up in his mind…

Thoughts- no scratch that; nightmares through nightmares sworm through his skull, death; friends dying, you… Billy clenched his eyes shut, frustrated, he’s frustrated that he has these stupid thoughts, ‘stupid nightmares… stupid fuckin thoughts…’

He sighed and looked back at his notebook, it was pages and pages of stupid updates and shity doodles of frustration from past appointments for his physical therapy or just daily check ups, lot of it was lazy scribbles of updates but at least they were readable… just makes it more depressing that he has to write a reminder that he went through so much shit in little time, ‘fuckin doctors…’, he slowly breathed out and layed down on (Y/n)’s soft bed, felt quiet when no one was around, it makes his head hurt thinking about everyone, how Steve fuckin Harrington actually saved his sorry ass, why… why though; I bullied him, mock him till he felt threatened; heh- to rightfully feel like a king on top of his thorn; what did It got me, you lying to me, telling me that my sister wasn’t there, got a decent set of punches at me, and not even giving a hell to check I was ‘really’ ok… heh- I was just following a cuck of a father’s rules and I was a bit worried where she was at, but I know she can handle herself. Billy growled in frustration and threw the notebook across the room. And put his hands on his closed eyes and breathed out…

(Y/n) and Max… (Y/n) and Max… (Y/n) and Maxine…

I don’t even know why you both don’t hate me, everyone just left me in the dark, even my own mother… but nope, (Y/n) was worried sick of me and still cares about me, well I never heard you doubt me before… always there for me when I had my bruises from my father, always…

Always… so perfect…

I hate you- well not hate hate you; but I envy how nice you can be to people and especially me, the only “care” I got in high school was bruises and cigarettes… no one wanted to help my pain. My step sister was afraid to help me and her own mother didn’t even bother, I had no one, absolutely no one…

Until you show up again… more beautiful than before… and have that worried look like you used to have. You got Max to actually talk to me, which— fuck— Darn you for being a god damn angel. Maxine actually vents, talks, and jokes around me because of you; but you also just helped me get my confidence up to talk to my little sister…

He slowly put his hands on his chest and opened his eyes. His thoughts cooled down and he slowly got up and saw where the notebook was at. It was close to the bathroom door. Billy sighed and walked up to it and picked it up. As ragged as it is, he still has to deal with it.

Door creaked

“Hey whatcha doing staring daggers on that notebook again?”

Billy got a little started but then looked back at you.

“Oh just putting my frustrations on stupid things again.”

“So your notebook.”

“Yuppp… but at least it’s that piece of shit then something important…”

“Uh-huh… welp I got you something…”

She walked in with a huge bag behind her back.

“Nice hiding spot. Prez~”

“Oh shut up~ so your birthday has passed not so long ago and I wanted to give you these…”

She brought the bag up front. And opened it a little so he could see what’s inside. It was the dark red jacket and the two shirts, with some protein bars. Billy was confused at first but then realized those clothes really were his, ‘I mean it was pretty obvious…’

“Happy late birthday!”

Billy looked back up at her with a sad smile.

“No one ever actually celebrated my birthday; that’s why I always skipped it.”

She gave a small punch on his shoulder, “well that’s just shity. I'm just better than them!”

Billy gave a small chuckle.

“What do you want to do for your 19th birthday?”

“Just chill here; or work out today.”

“Well that's fine with me, I need to do some chores anyway. Also I'm glad you like the gifted!”

Before she walked off to her chores, she gave a small smile back and walked out of her room. Billy looked back down at the gifts and looked at a pacific one, the jacket, he liked it a lot, so much he hoped that (Y/n) wont think of him as a weirdo for wearing one jacket the whole day or even longer…

‘She’s just so damn cute…’

——- time skip (another mouth has passed) ——-

It was april and it was slightly warm outside, Billy was back at his original weight, which is quite outstanding; i mean all those bulking and working out was all not for nothing, Billy is proud he got all his weight back: the only thing is that he getting more stares then before, people are familiar with his old self, before Billy would hide away and he felt squeamish, but now he gives the death glares back if they looked, they're the ones that get frighten, which is amazing to have that self control back, the only difference is that he has lollipops instead of cigarettes, some girls think its cute, seeing a tough guy have a small soft side, but to billy he felt irritated, so when he goes alone sometimes, he tries to find other ways to deal with his anxiety, like tapping his fingers or shaking his leg or just tapping his foot, it usually doesn't last long, because his stomach twists and turns, anxiety is a bitch, and stupid thoughts of stupid shit will just pop up which made his anxiety worst…

“Grrrmmmm *sigh*” Billy picks another lollipop from his pocket and spits out the lollipop stick from his mouth and it lands in the trash can, and puts his 2nd one in his mouth, ‘mmm blueberry…’ He brought the hose up to his car again, his car hasn't really gone out as much because before his dumb organs would hurt like a bitch in his camaro, but now his body feels completely normal.

Well…

Billy lowered his head, and looked at his chest of his shirt.

“*sigh*”

SMACK

Billy looked up and saw Max on the other side of the car. “Max! What the hell!”

“Hey! I was just helping.”

“So throwing a soaked sponge was your plan.”

“Hey! Its not my fault that you still have anxiety over your scar.”

Billy just growled and put the hose back on his car, Max looked disappointed but sad in the same time, so she walked and grabbed the sponge off the ground, then looked back at Billy.

“Hmm” Billy looked back at Max.

“You know you can talk about some things that’s bothering you, ya know.”

“…”

“I know your going back to your normal self; but don’t hold it in, it just makes your anxiety worse…”

Billy clenched his lollipop stick again, “then what are your thoughts on this disturbing scar…”

Max just gave the most dumbest ‘are you serious’ face of all time and said “I think it looks cool and it makes you more of a badass because you saved a whole lot of people.”

“How-“

“WHAT YOU MEAN HOW! *sigh* Billy if I found it disturbing I wouldn’t be talking to you right now wouldn’t I.”

Billy unclenched his pop and brought the hose to Max.

“HEY!!!”

She threw the sponge at Billy and it hit his chest; Billy just started laughing but not until Max grabbed the hose and faced it at him.

*cough* “DANG IT MAX!” He coughed a little more and started laughing again. “Ok! OK! YOU-“ he picked up Max and put her by his right shoulder. “LET GO! YOU DORK!”

“OH I’M A DORK, last time I checked I was supposed to be the jock in high school!” “WELL YOUR A ADULT SO YOUR NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL ANYMORE! LET GO!”

“Hmmm, I can do this for hours or even days-“ “NO!” Billy just started to laugh again, “fine fine…” Billy put her down and she gave little punches on Billy’s right arm. “You! You! Idiot! You!” “So that’s a ‘I want to be picked up again’” “no!” And she ran on the other side of the car, Billy started laughing again a little and picked up the hose from the ground to finish up the rest of his car.

—-

After the car finished, they both took a break, they both sat on the end of the car. “You know… you're right.” Max looked back at Billy.

“Well- I’m sorry that I was a huge asshole before, I just thought… if I was like that; someone will bark back, bring hate back. In a fucked up way I thought that was comfort; I thought if I was like that, my mother would come schooling me back to how I used to be; but… she never came back…”

“I’m sorry-“

“No, don’t be, it’s ok really; life is not as shity as I thought it would be, ye there’s these stupid assholes that might come back, but… at least I have two people that are… actually there for me; which I thought I was going to be alone- but you know… I was wrong.”

Max gave a soft smile and gave Billy a soft punch on his left arm. “Well… I’m glad that you're alright… but! Rest time is over. You have work- well your first day!”

“*sigh* thanks max for reminding me…”

“Hey! At least it’s the same job.”

“True but-“

“If you're talking about your scar, then just wear dark colors. Or a really thick cotton white shirt.”

Billy just nods and went to change to a black shirt and the rest of his lifeguard belongings.

—- time skip —-

Tap tap tap

From the tapping from his finger to the shaking of his left leg, the anxiety is already erupting and it’s making his chest tight. His knuckles on the stringing wheel turn white. His muscles were tensing up. Billy clenches his teeth on the lollipop stick. The candy in his mouth was cracking, each time he clenched, it crack, crack, crack, felt like two stones clenching together to try to turn into one, but can’t. Because they’re two separate entities, two separate objects but the same counterpart, that can’t be fused together no matter how hard you try…

Crack

That sweet ball of candy broke; pieces that felt like chunks of unsharp glass were spewing through his mouth. Billy growled in frustration, ‘damn this fucking anxiety, it’s eating me apart…’ he reached his hand out to grab another lollipop from the armrest compartment and found none…

‘Fuck- I thought I brought more.’ His hand was searching more around until he found a box of cigarettes, it had two cigarettes left. Billy brought it up and till he stopped at the next red light, he looked at the ciggs, he was tempting but (Y/n) yelling at him tells him otherwise, so he threw them in the back with no hesitation. And continuing to chew his lollipop stick.

‘Can this day get anymore fucked then it is…’

— time skip (noon) —

Billy closed the car door and made sure his shirt was covering his scar. His shirt was clinging to his body, his muscles we’re tensing up, all that stress is making his body hurt already.

‘Fuck, fuck, fuck everything…’

—- flashback - --

“Are you sure, you’ll be ok going out by yourself?”

Billy look at (Y/n) with a smirk.

“Prez, I got this~”

“Mmmhmmm” she looks unsurprised

—- flashback end —

‘Sometimes I need to be smacked in the head…’

Billy walked over to the building and clocked in. Before he was about to walk out to the locker room.

“Hey! You're the new guy right?”

Billy stiffed up then looked back. The woman gasps, “your that one guy saved all those kids from that mall that catches on fire or one of them!”

“I-“ Billy couldn’t think what to say, “so what…”

“So… nevermine, it’s a tough topic is it…”

Billy just looks at her with a ‘oh really, no shit’ face.

“Hehe, well it’s only me and you today! Everyone else called off because it’s April, and somehow it’s hot for this week… also aren’t you going to be sweating in that black shirt, we have some white ones in the back”

“Tch… I’ll be fine…”, Billy walked out, he can hear the girl in the back, yapping that he’s going to have a heatstroke, ‘whatever…’ right when he was at the door for the locker rooms, he felt hesitated, ‘max… and…’ billy sighed and decided to not put his stuff in a locker… and just brought it with him. When he stept out to the pool, not many people were around. Just three chicks in far corner of the pool and a couple kids they were probably watching; wait there old fucking woman looking at her phone; *sigh*.

Billy can feel the stares from the group of women, it made his stomach heaved. He checked his shirt again if any or just smig of his scar was showing, it wasn’t; which brought his mind at ease, he went to the left and walked to the nearest lifeguard and strapped his backpack to the left handle, before he got to the seat side, that other lifeguard from earlier came over.

“You know we have lockers.”

“Oh I know, but did I fucking ask for a reminder.”

“You know, I’m your couch today.”

“And. I’ve worked at a pool before, I don’t need to be told twice. Or as many times, you want, princess.”

The lifeguard looked in rage, but walked off to the other lifeguard station.

Billy couldn’t care less, he just wanted to get paid and leave. Weekly pay is not all bad. Anything that helps you or your family with bills, ‘don’t want to feel like a fucking burden.’ Billy relaxed in his seat but still feel his anxiety in his pores, it’s making his sides hurt, which fuckin sucks not having a lollipop in a while, he tried to message his sides to keep him at bay with his anxiety, but it just made things worse, he squeezed his eyes shut to see if that helped with his stress, but it just made him nauseous. Sweat that was lightly from the sun was getting worse by the second. He tried to focus on anything to make this stupid anxiety cool down, but that just made it worse.

‘Why did I say I was ready…’

—- time skip —-

(Y/n) Pov

‘How the fuck, do you forget your anxiety pops’

(Y/n) just snickers

“Anxiety pops”

She parked her car and checked her phone again to check where to drop these ‘anxiety pops’ at.

Billy’s text message said, “just dropped them off at the office. 🖤”

“Oh, William, you dork using a heart emoji.”

She grabbed the small bag of lollipops, and stepped out of her car, in the little plastic bag, there was only 15 lollipops, while she was walking over, she looked around and saw not much cars today, the pool parking seemed kinda empty, ‘figured it would be a slow day, it is kinda summer break in some schools, so families would go somewhere more entertaining than just some basic bitch pool…’

While she was walking over there, she was checking her phone again just to make sure where to put the bag of lollipops at. When she made it, she saw Billy to her left, she felt bad how stressed he looks, before she could walk in the office, someone firmly grabbed her arm, she looked to her right and saw zacharius, “fuck off dude, don’t you have anything else to do…”

“Ohhhh~, little rabbit wants to go on her merry way~; too bad because I have something to tell ya.”

“So harassing me and being a fucktard is your way of flirting.”

“You're spicy~ for a little rabbit but I need to tell ya something about Billy.”

“Now why would I want to hear that?”

“Well~ I’m not gonna lie to you. But why do a misfit like you want to hangout with an unmanageable asshole like that.” He shook his head up a little, to make it like he’s pointing forward, towards Billy’s direction. This time Billy got down from his lifeguard chair and was talking to the three chicks that were vibing in the pool earlier.

“See… boys never change, they’ll just keep following what there sluggish hearts can take and never look back.”

She looked back, “same goes to you, if you say that.”

“You’re such a biter~, that’s what I like about you~, but princess~, he would only throw you away like the other bitches, he wore out or just couldn’t care less what they think. You're walking on violence. Someone that threatened his sister; had bloody fights for weak individuals that can’t even sock a punch on solid concrete…”

“That’s-“

“That’s what sweetheart~ those chicks will get there brains fucked out; putting all that worked up anxiety to use… with those pretty little fuck toys in use and come home all relaxed so he can go on his next victim…”

(Y/n) looked troubled, which amused him even more.

“Sorry for telling the truth baby girl… but I’m only protecting you in my only fucked up way~”

“So that time at the mall…”

“Oh princess I wasn’t going to hurt you~ I was just faking a threat to keep you as far away from a monster like him…”

She looked back at Billy; he was still flirting and talking to the girls.

She turned back and snatched her hand back; she walked in the office and dropped the bag on the counter and stepped out.

Looked back one last time…

Then left…

——

Billy’s POV

Billy saw a glimpse of (Y/n), but she already got in her car and left…

“Heyyy… hot shot~”

Billy looked back, and gave the three girls a glare, “you know, it shows me how dumb, all of you are, to get easily flirted… you chicks vaginas must be warned out, just how many times u spat.”

One of the girls had a drink of water in a red plastic cup, she swung her hand out in a fast motion and the water hit Billy’s face. Billy was unfazed and had a smug look on his face. The girls looked disappointed and annoyed, so they walked off. Billy couldn’t care less. He looked at miss lifeguard. “Ima take a break!” While he was walking over he got his phone out and texted (Y/n) back.

“Thanks for the pops Prez~ maybe we can watch a movie 🍿 after I clocked out from work. Maybe horror. 🧡🔪🖤”

A couple seconds passed and he saw no ‘seen’ on the bottom. ‘Maybe she’s still driving or doing errands, she usually answers instantly…’ he closed his flip phone; put his phone in his pocket and walked in the office, and grabbed his pops.

—- time skip (night) —

After he got the pops hours ago, he felt much calmer than before, it even made him throw his stuff in his locker and took a quick shower. ‘Who would knew…’, his shift was almost done with just 2 hours left, it was quiet at the pool, the pool closed at 6:30pm, and the other lifeguard lefted at 5:00pm because she told him, at unexpected family problems happened, Billy understood and apologized about before because he was stressed out from not having his “anxiety pills”, she also apologized if she caused anymore stress then he was already feeling before, he told her she was fine, so she rushed to clocked out and ran out. The pool was easy to clean because it was a slow day. So he’ll do the pool last.

Now back to the present; 10:00 pm, Billy was just at the just of it with cleaning the pool. So he sat the end of the pool and got his flip phone out to check his messages again, he checked if he had any new ones from people he knew, some were appointments and some were max texting him little muscle emojis and telling him you got this, then he checked if you seen his message yet, and you haven’t… which got Billy’s heart clenched, ‘is she’s alright…’, he wanted to text you to see if your alright, but he felt nervous, ‘she’s probably been busy all day…’

So he texted Max and asked if they were both alright, Max responded fast and said, “we’re alright, we’re chilling, Hru.”

He texted back; “I’m doing alright, just chilling at the pool waiting to clock out.”

She text back with a little happy face :D, and ended the conversation.

Billy closed his flip phone and put it in his pocket, he lowered his head towards the pool a little and saw his legs in the pool, the pool had a soft light blue glow, it made the large pool water looked like melted crystals, shiny calming glow, it made him wonder if he should go on vacation too. Feeling tired all the time, from so much stress in one setting, makes you want to scream all the stress out. He moved his legs slowly in the water, making him dazed out from the movement of the water…

“I wonder if (Y/n) and Max would want to go on vacation…” he said silently, a meer whisper.

“Sounds fun… Bill…”

Before Billy could turn around, he got shoved in the water.

The water felt cold and refreshing, but his veins felt burning and boiling from someone above, who pushed him in the pool, the silhouette looked familiar, didn’t had the same clothes from last time, but the face was all to familiar, black roughed up hair, tired eyes, that had no rest for weeks, always had that look where he can get any girl with just a smile, but in reality he would just get his dick sniped and bruises like scarlet and violet roses… the devil himself, zacharius.

‘Nope that’s it ima kill him, I swear.’

Billy swimmed to the top and saw zacharius stupid smug face…

“You're a real bitch, ya know that.”

Zacharius stupid smug turned to frustration.

“Shut up, faggot.”

“Would a faggot, fuck you’re ex’s tight pussy, making her pant and moan; her yelling my name instead of yours.”

“SHUT YOUR MOUTH!” Zacharius pick a 9mm out of his pocket, Billy gave him a straight face, he was unfazed, which made Zacharius felt uneasy, but he continued, “I always hated you, when I was with my group of friends, we were having the time of are lives, going on pool parties, getting drunk on late nights, breaking rules so are parents would get pissed off, but most of all my. Girl. You. Took. From. Me…”

Billy kept being silent and listened…

“A blonde cali boy came to school one day, looking like he own the whole damn school, he walked over and started talking to Carol Perkins, Tommy, and the rest of my group of friends, but-“

“But he took your girl…”

“You… she… just stopped, she hugged me less, stopped looking at me, she told me that we weren't a thing anymore. Days passed and each following day, I saw her looking at the same blonde…”

“I fucking hated you from that day, she stopped being around me, she wouldn’t even give me eye contact, it looked like she forgot about me…”

“Well… you know what she told me that day, she told me that you treated her like shit, she said you slammed her tight clit like a pussy, she… *sarcastic snicker* she told me that you fuck like a girl losing her virginity for the first time.”

Zacharius right hand started to cliver, the 9mm slightly shaking left to right in his hand. You can see the anger in his veins, Billy noticed his finger shaking on the trigger. So he moved underwater in seconds-.

Shot

Billy got hit close to his left side of his intestines, it made a hole through his skin, but it still hurts like a bitch, crimson blood slowly spewing in the water, with Billy’s right hand, he put pressure on it. “Mmmmhhggg”, from above he can hear Zach yell “get the fuck up and face me.” Or just plain cursing, Billy just did the opposite and swimmed further in the deep end, so it make his figure hard to shoot.

Shoot

The bullets were close to Billy, but they all missed, suddenly the bullets stopped coming and another figure came, yelling “what the fuck your doing!” It was mumbled but what came from Zach was “Jordan get the fuck out of here!” It was like hearing two kids yelling who gets to be first in the front car seat.

Billy’s right lung was starting to burn, so he swam up, when he got up the service, he pant quietly because Jordan was distracting zacharius, so Billy swimmed slowly to the edge and put his hands on it, he slowly pushed himself up, even though it was a slightly a struggle to get up, his side making him nauseous, his black shirt getting soaked even more from his blood, when Billy got out, his panting was getting heavier, which made zacharius heard him, right before zacharius turned around Jordan grab his hand with his both hands and brought the gun up. “Jordan fuck off!” Even though Jordan was slightly shorter, he still put up a fight, “Zach! You're insane! It’s old fucking news dude just fuckin move on!”

When Billy got the hang of his breathing again, he pushed himself up, rushed up Zach to put a stop to this stupidity, but Jordan couldn’t hold on for long, and Zacharius pushed Jordan back, then pointed the gun back at Billy, Billy stepped back a little.

Jordan spoke up, “Zach come on man, there’s no point in doing this shit anyway.”

“Shut up!”

Billy spoke up, “Zach if it makes you feel any better, that bitch of girlfriend, you had was a stank; we only had a one time stand, and then she looked for some other dude to fuck…”

“That’s not-“

Jordan spoke, “Zach! Its fuckin true and you know it. The whole school knew, come on dude-“

Zacharius looked back at Jordan, in a fast movement, zacharius faced his gun at Jordan, Billy tried to move-

Shot

“AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!”

The bullet went through his left leg, it pierced through the thin skin, through the cartilage, smoothly going through the bone and out from the other side, hitting the concrete with a metallic sharp thud.

Zacharius stopped; froze up and looked at his friend, his body started to quiver, “Jordan- I- I—“

“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!”

Billy just stood in silence, clenching his side, with his right hand, while his left hand clenched in a fist, Billy didn’t know Jordan that long, but seeing someone that you knew from school, just walking just fine moments ago, now on the floor clenching his lower part of your left leg blood on his hands, crimson liquid stained his black jeans making it darker then it already was. Zach dropped his gun and kept stuttering, but Jordan kept screaming and yelling that he bloody attacked him.

Yelling to screaming.

Yelling t screaming

Ye l in to scre m in

Yell scre-

Billy's brain felt like it was about to burst, from just hearing two men screaming, crying, and apologizing. It was becoming more moshed than normal speech…

“Zacharius get the fuck out of here…”

Zach looked back at Billy.

“But-“

“FUCK OFF WILL YOU, YOU TRIED TO KILL ME BECAUSE SOME WHORE THAT DIDNT WANT YOU.” Billy slowly walked up to Zach, he grabbed his collar with his free hand, and spoke “YOU TAKE YOUR GROUP OF FRIENDS IN STUPID AND DANGEROUS SITUATIONS; YOU TRIED TO HURT AND THREATED MY GIRL AND NOW- NOW YOU SHOT YOUR FUCKING FRIEND!!!”

“I—“

“FUCK OFF! WILL YOU!”

Billy shoved him away.

“FUCK OFF AND NEVER COME NEAR HERE EVER AGAIN, DONT COME NEAR ME OR ANY OF YOUR FRIENDS, AND IF I SEE YOU EVEN CLOSE TO MY SISTER AND MY GIRL ILL FUCKING MURK YOU! YOU HEAR ME!”

Zacharius nods and runs off, leaving the gun, leaving his friend, leaving without even looking back…

Billy ran up to Jordan and aided him in the office and patch up his wounds and Jordan’s wounds.

—- time skip ( 1:34 am ) —-

The stitches hurt like a bitch but at least they’re not bleeding.

“Thanks for helping me out Billy…”

“It’s no Problem… I knew police won’t be here fast enough anyway but they’re coming, do… do you think you can speak up for me… I need to get back home, before (Y/n) goes worried because my phone is broken…”

“No- no… you're fine, no worries I can understand how my sister can be when I’m not home at a certain time, well it passed that time.” He chuckled, “my sis, won’t be worried because she’ll know that I’m with the police anyway so…”

Billy chuckled back and stopped leaning on the office counter, “oh I understand, is your sister a cop?”

“She is actually!”

They both cracked up and Billy said his goodbyes and left…

When he got in his car he felt drained again, he felt like another disaster just flew by, like he got struck by bullet through the heart…

‘Ok… let’s get the fuck home…’

—-

While he was speeding down the road he felt like he really fucked up for some reason…

You are not answering his text…

When you dropped his pops in the office, you didn’t even check on him, or at least waved…

You didn’t even reply back or seen- welp can’t know that now because his flip phone is drenched…

“Why choose me…”

“Wait what am I saying…”

He slammed his right hand on the steering wheel, ‘when you walked out, you… looked frustrated…’

“Fuck…”

He boost up his speed to 110 horsepower, but then he slowed his speed, and slowed his fucked up breathing, no one wants to hear a quivering fool…

He popped a red cherry pop in his mouth and continued to drive home…

Your home…

—- time skip —-

When he came home, he felt like he was about to pass out, his stomach was curling, it felt like a demogorgon was eating his insides out, he felt every inch of his hair spiking out, he felt…

Pinned and trapped…

If he stepped in, it’s over, it’s all over…

He held his breath and tried to calm down…

Everything felt like it was about to shatter…

Until…

He heard your voice in his head.

“Well you're wrong in so many ways, that I would call you. Fuckin idiot, if you think I wouldn’t be there for you.”

Billy felt his breathing coming back and felt his muscles stopped tensing up…

Billy just chuckled while shaking his head in a downward ‘no’ motion. And stepped out of the car. While he walked, he was fiddling with his key again, when he got there, he found the correct key and put his key in the key slot and opened the door.

When he stepped inside, he slowly closed the door behind him. The house was dead silent, ‘everyone probably asleep’, so Billy slowly walked inside to not make any noise until he heard (Y/n)’s door opened, his quiet footsteps turn into a little faster swivels to her door, right before he was going to the hallway, she stepped out from the corner of the hallway.

She had tired eyes but she looked unpleased, her arms were crossed, “where have you been?” She had a soft anger in her voice, she couldn’t see the blood stain shirt, because from his side it’s dark, dim, and hard to see his body, his face was slightly dimmed, “I’ve been at work.”

“It's 2:45 am, Billy.”

“Zach-“

“Don’t give me a excuse about zacharius.”

‘What’

“Sweetheart-“

“Don’t call me that” she had venom in her veins. Billy’s muscles was tensing up, “hey… let me-“

“You let me what B, you clocked out 2 hours ago and now your here like nothing happened, not even at least giving me a call!”

“My phone’s dead”

“That’s an excuse…”

Billy clenched his hands, “what’s an excuse! Look!”

He put his right hand in his pocket, and brought it out, it was slightly drenched and won’t turn on.

“You could’ve called me on the office phone or used your coworker’s phone.”

“My coworker left early and also I didn’t want to fuckin call you because you didn’t answer my text or you haven’t seen my text before 10:25 PM-ish after around 10:30 Pm, my phone broke…”

(Y/n) looked at his phone and smacked it off his hand, Billy looked at his hand and back at you confused, “that’s bullshit.”

“And how is it not (Y/n)” his confusion turned into a low growl of frustration.

“You are just the same player that those three girls were looking for…”

Billy felt hurt, “you're thinking I’m going back to my old ways… you-“

“Me what William, You lied to me that you weren’t going back, you lied to me for making a whore out of yourself for flirting over those sluts. you LIED-“

“LIED!” He *chuckled*, “LIED to you about what! Is it a lie that I saved you and Max from my father, IS IT A LIE, that I was there for you at the mall protecting you from that wuss name Zach! HUH, AM I SO MUCH OF A FUCKIN LAIR! THAT I FUCKIN LOVE YOU (Y/N)!”

Her anger just vanished, “shut up-“

“NO, I was at my fucking job, then Zacharius pushed me in the fuckin pool, so my phone got damaged; to make it like I was fuckin ignoring everybody, he tried to kill me, but his bud jordan came along and saved my sorry ass, I got out of the pool. he got shot my Zacharius and i threatened Zach to never come NEAR ME OR HIS FRIENDS, OR MY GIRL AND MY SISTER AGAIN!”

“…”

“Oh and just in case I’m not LYING to you.” Billy pulled his shirt up and showed his stitched up bullet wound and he move to the side to show her it went right through him, he put his shirt back down and looked back at (Y/n), “but I guess if I’m so much of a Manwhore; as you so called i am… I’ll fuckin leave.”

“No— B im-“

“Stop.”

Billy walked passed her, and walked in her room and grabbed his duffle bag and started filling stuff he needs to get the fuck out of there.

“Billy— just wait, I was-“

“STOP.”

“But-“

“STOP WILL YOU. Just stop—“

He got his stuff and walk out of her room, she ran in front of him and tried to stop him.

“Move—“

“No- just listen to me, it’s a misunderstanding— let me-“

“You already explained already, you told me who I am— so fucking move…”

Max stepped out of her room and saw her brother’s distressed face, she couldn’t see (Y/n), but she saw how her body quivers…

“No-“

“Fine I’ll just make myself leave…”

He grabbed her arm, and pulled her out of the way, it wasn't that forceful, but it made her gave up… so for the most part, she moved…

Billy walked up to the door and heard (Y/n)‘a soft sobbing in the background, while max was calling out for Billy.

But he never looked back.

And…

Simply said “I’ll pick you up tomorrow Max…”

And quietly opened the door and closed the door behind him, while never looking back…

#stranger things #stranger things fanfiction #stranger things billy #stranger things max #stranger things billy fanfiction #stranger things billy angst #stranger things billy hargrove #stranger things billy x reader #stranger things angst fanfiction #stranger things William hargrove #billy hargrove x reader angst #reader fanfiction #billy hargrove angst #billy hargrove #max mayfield #maxine mayfield #stranger things au

16 notes · View notes

waitwithwaluigi · 2 years

Text

Why I like Quirkless!Midoriya AUs

TW: explicit mentions of discrimination and bullying against disabled (ends at ***)

TL;DR at the bottom

So I've got mental illness. (I know, I'm a pretty rare find on tumblr) Despite the fun cocktail of disabilities I had, I wasnt diagnosed until later in my teens. As you can guess, school wasn't very fun. I was disadvantaged because I was different. I was treated as less, as if I had something missing and nothing I could ever say or do could fix that. I didn't know what people thought of me though.

Dont get me wrong- I am not my disabilities. But I can say for certain, it's been a huge factor in how I see the world now, how I move around it. The protective rage and resigned acceptance I feel when I see discrimination against minority groups might not be the same as an able person. The desperate kicking and clawing to establish better resources for people like me isnt the same. The frustration and exhaustion I feel when the school board sees my 'condition' listed and having to prove myself competent over and over again isn't the same.

I've had my fair share of Fun!! and Exciting!!! experiences in discrimination!!!!

Like saying hello to the koi fish while trying to rescue my school bag that a teacher had flung out of the classroom after she got tired of my ADHD ass. (I bet you can guess how I felt when I saw That™️ koi pond scene) I was called out to the front of the class and told to unpack my bag and and show my classmates how disgusting I was (I was depressed and decided to just carry all my books around instead of unpack and repack according to schedule). I remember sprinting after my packed lunch but being so depressed and exhausted to keep going for more than 5 minutes. I was made an example of when I forgot my things and had to go back to school during the afternoon classes to grab the worksheet I left in class.

Through it all had to keep quiet. I was less, after all. If I wasn't, why did so many ignore the bullying? Why did they let go of me and say I was exagerating when they found me Too Much To Handle?

(Not looking for pity btw, just giving context)

***

Now, I initially began reading MHA fics because I was a teen who saw pretty people and cool fighting and was like "damn shawty, I'm gonna need more". (All hail Yaomomo) Then I came across the Quirkless Midoriya Izuku tag and was like huh.

Pretty interesting concept, right? So I read. And I read and I read and I read. And something just clicked. It wasnt like one of those mental illness success stories where they where overly positive or ones where I had to keep taking breaks because I kept getting reminded of the bs I went through. It was just removed enough but still relatable to my experience. Midoriya wouldn't be less if he didn't get a quirk.

In these fics, he found ways to work around it. Like yeah, maybe finding a work arounds when fighting your besties with god-like abilities while you have nothing isn't the same as finding a way to study that best suited my ADHD ass. But the fight to be considered equal, the ways I had to find creative ways to problems that my classmates thought nothing of. It resonated with me. (The fantasy and escapism were bonuses too)

It gives me a little extra push when I get too exhausted after the 100th time that day I have to prove that I am just as capable as anyone else.

While I'm not really a fan of Quirkless Villain!Midoriya cuz its typically a little too edgy for me, I do like it when its written well. Fuck the system and fuck the assholes who doubt us, right?

Something Fun!! I've experienced with disabilities is that you sometimes have to ignore any system entirely and just Do It. Just kick people in the shins and carve out the opportunity that nobody would bother giving you. Maybe one day they'll recognise you, maybe not. But you're doing what you've always wanted to do. That's something I feel when I read Quirkless Vigilante!Midoriya fics.

Quirkless AUs aren't like Batman where he's Super Intelligent and has 70 black belts. There isnt as much angst oof. He was just some Dood with determination and some smarts. We get to see him train, see the emotions and struggles all written out. Not to mention, I was a teen when I found MHA so it was extra relatable. I'm very sure that there are superheroes who fit that description but this niche is what I found.

That's why I like Quirkless!Midoriya AUs so much.

Do I think him becoming a hero will change a lot? No, not as much as me becoming a world famous super star would. But it would inspire. Even if it inspired just one person, stopped one person from doing something bad to soothe the ache, wouldn't it be enough? It inspired me at least.

Tl;dr: I seeing people with 'less' ability than their peers be equal and overcome challenges using creative solutions since they arent as 'catered' to, just like a disabled person. Its also easier to read without getting triggered compared to an actual book about mental illness discrimination.

Please enjoy this adorable panel as thanks for reading

#quirkless deku #quirkless au #quirkless midoriya izuku #my hero academia #my hero acedamia #vigilante deku #vigilante midoriya #i thought up a whole rant in the shower and I forgor most of it 💀#rant #tw: discrimination #boku no academia #villain midoriya #rant post #mentally ill #quirkless discrimination

67 notes · View notes

bpdanakins · 4 years

Note

i just infodumped to my friends about bpd anakin and i have No Regrets snakjdkajfsk

anyway, doth thee have any more bpd anakin (or just anakin in general) headcanons becuase i am living for this

I am So Sorry this took so long, but hopefully the length makes up for it. Thank you so much for sending this to me bc BPD!Anakin is my entire life. I could talk about it all day, every day.

I’d like to thank @apple-grass-and-smiles for helping me organize my Thoughts on all of this, prompting me to focus on certain things and giving me feedback in general too.

Okay, here goes:

Anakin fidgets!! I’m not even sure if this is a headcanon but if it is I will die on this hill. He can’t stay still for the life of him and doubly so when he’s anxious, nervous or Ready To Do Something Already.

We know Anakin can’t hold eye contact to save his life when he’s upset or insecure, but I can also see him having issues with touch when he’s upset, unless it’s from certain people only (Padmé always gets a pass, for example).

Anakin’s quick to let some small stuff go, but larger things people do that hurt him (whether intentionally or not) aren’t really ever forgotten, and he just kind of takes that in and suppresses it, until random moments when it pops up, he remembers, and it just hurts like it’s happening all over again. The people around him often have no idea what fully sets him off, bc to them, his reaction now seems out of nowhere while his mind’s still stuck on this other thing. - His reactions also seem sometimes like they’re Over The Top, but even just remembering past hurts can feel almost disabling at times. It’s worse when he ends up ruminating on it, because the hurt and feelings of betrayal just keep building up over and over until it almost blots everything else out.

When he’s happy or surrounded by those he loves, everyone kind of can feel it too, bc he’s just fuckoff powerful in the Force and esp other Force sensitives kind of gather around his space and just… his affection and excitement are literally infectious.

This probably runs closer to ADHD than BPD for sure, but get him talking about anything mechanical (robotics, engineering, racing, etc) and he will go from 0 to 100 so fast you’d get whiplash. No one minds though bc, as I said, his excitement is infectious and honestly those around him just adore listening to him go off even though half of it goes over their head. - Ahsoka may not ever get Gotta Go Fast, but she definitely loves it when he really talks her ear off about all this stuff, bc it makes her excited to learn and she picks up on all of it easily. (There’s a part of her that wants to emulate him and she does def look up to him obviously.) - We see it with Obi-Wan, but people love to use his love of all things mechanical as a way to distract him from things that upset him. It doesn’t always work but they try.

With Obi-Wan, he ends up on the side of Anakin’s splitting like, all the time. And unfortunately sometimes Obi-Wan can’t tell that Anakin’s lashing out not because of something Obi-Wan’s actually done, but bc Anakin’s young and Obi-Wan’s the figure he can project a lot of his frustrations on. - It can lead Obi-Wan to being confused and hurt sometimes, bc he doesn’t always understand Anakin’s thought processes when this happens, and it definitely sometimes cuts him to the core. On the reverse side, though Anakin might not always say it to his face, Obi-Wan definitely can overhear him at times when Anakin’s ready to 1v1 anyone who even so much as makes a frowny face about Obi-Wan, which helps Obi-Wan remember that Anakin does love him too, actually. - It ends up being one of the points of frisson between Anakin and Mace, bc Anakin can’t read body language perfectly, especially when it comes to feelings of abandonment or someone seemingly not loving who Anakin loves to the same degree. Mace has a drier sense of humor at times and defs has a more resting frowny face, and this rankles Anakin at times bc he can’t always tell when Mace is just chilling vs being disappointed, and while Anakin will take it all personally, he ALSO takes any perceived criticism to those he loves personally too. - Both Mace and Obi-Wan don’t get this bc they have a perfectly fine relationship. Anakin’s just Like That. - (And super overprotective of people’s perceptions of Obi-Wan. Anakin will go off about Obi-Wan being mean and all that, but fuck you and your entire family tree if you ever even think Obi-Wan’s anything short as the most amazing Jedi to ever Jedi.)

Everybody and their mother can see the pedestal Anakin puts Padmé on, and surprisingly she rarely is on the end of his splitting. When he does, he just internalizes it bc he can’t stand the idea that he’s somehow seen her in a wrong light, or he feels guilty for getting angry with her. - He also defines a huge chunk of his life around loving her, making her his center for a lot of his decisions and reactions, so when they’re off, his whole world seems backwards. It makes him Really uncomfortable and unsure. He gets panicky and upset and often people have no idea what the cause is so they just end up a lil panicky in return. - He tends to take it out on others, by doing an exercise or by disappearing to fiddle with something. - Pads has an easier time recognizing Anakin’s emotional needs, bc in some ways they’re the same as hers. She’s good at reaching out to him, comforting him and reassuring him of her love. And in turn, he like, never fucking shuts up about how much he loves her, and those moments are what make her feel so special around him. Being loved by Anakin makes someone feel important and even get tingly, bubbly happy feelings, because it’s hard to doubt it sometimes. - There’s a part of her that sometimes worries about how Intense he is, but, like I said, when his positive intense emotions are focused on you, it feels wonderful. And he’s genuinely super sweet and gentle, and she appreciates that, when she tells him to back off about something, he’ll listen to her wishes. (I’m using movie Anakin as my base here bc TCW!Anakin in this regard is just…. bad y’all lmao)

Anakin’s anxious about Ahsoka All The Time. He’s afraid he’s a bad teacher, he’s afraid he’ll mess her up somehow, he’s afraid he’ll hurt her or she’ll get hurt, and that’s why he can’t stand the idea sometimes of her being on her own. It’s not a lack of trust in her abilities, but because he feels responsible for her, and that’s why he’s always ready to put himself between her and literally anything that could potentially hurt her. (Even if it’s not a physical threat.) - There are times she finds this amusing and times this makes her angry, but mostly she is long suffering. There are times she appreciates it though, bc she’s still a kid and isn’t always sure which way is up, especially when in a war. Anakin is often a cornerstone for her, and though she’d literally NEVER admit it, his overprotectiveness can sometimes be a reassurance. She knows she can handle herself just fine, but when she has an inkling of doubt, she’ll remind herself that Anakin will be there, and then go and take care of the problem herself. - She doesn’t always get his moments where he’s not always falling over himself to talk Obi-Wan up or go out of his way to sass at him. To her, they have a wonderful relationship and she rarely notices when Obi-Wan might say something that pokes at Anakin wrong, so she often just winds up ???? when Anakin is huffy or annoyed with her grandmaster. - She sees Anakin’s anger issues a little more easily than others, and she worries about it but always brushes it off or downplays it, bc she always sees why he’s angry, and also always just assumes (like everyone else) that he can Handle It. - Anakin’s recklessness and impulsivity are some of her favourite things about being his padawan. He’s literally never boring to be around, and Ahsoka needs that sort of excitement to sometimes push aside the knowledge that she’s literally in a warzone. Anakin’s also really good at doing this intentionally; he’s literally always worrying after her, and all he wants to do is take care of those he loves and make them happy, so sometimes he’ll be Extra just to get under her skin or distract her and honestly this is the basis of where their playful competitions always come from.

If Ahsoka is long suffering, Rex is doubly so. Sometimes it’s all he can do to keep up with Anakin and Ahsoka, but he appreciates Anakin “thinking outside the box”. He also appreciates knowing that Anakin is just as loyal to him and his men as he himself is (well… Anakin is until he isn’t lmao) - Rex, like Pads, is really good at picking up Anakin’s moods and even trains of thought, so he’s always able to work around that, or even see where Anakin’s mind is going when coming up with a plan. They make a really good team bc while Anakin can jump from one idea to another without them seemingly correlated, Rex immediately follows Anakin’s leaps and they just end up in sync. - That being said, Anakin can be really confusing at times. His moods are often so all over the place, that Rex generally has no idea what tf is going on. He deals with it by learning to be calm when Anakin’s unable to, and just ride out Anakin’s worst moods until they pass by, learning not to let it all phase him. Anakin lowkey hates it when he’s upset, but once the worst of it passes, he really appreciates that Rex will just… not press like Obi-Wan, or balances out the moments Anakin’s mind is so cluttered by instead just keeping a good focus on things.

Probably everyone’s most baffling symptom of Anakin’s is his paranoia. Obi-Wan kind of sees it the most, because Anakin is always testy with the Council and often feels put on the spot, dismissed and looked down upon. To everyone else, they don’t get where Anakin’s ideas come from, bc everything seems chill on their end. His fretting about others’ well-being is straightforward enough, but his instant panic-turned-anger shift when he receives any criticism (especially the perceived type) always gives people whiplash. It’s hard to keep up with, hard to see what it was that got to him so much, and hard to know how to help (particularly when they’re worried that trying to help him will feel like “taking sides”). - Ahsoka takes Anakin’s POV of the Council pretty easily, at least when it comes to him. This is mostly bc she’s not there when there’s a meeting or tension around them, nor was she there when Anakin first arrived, so she just assumes they must genuinely often have issues with him too. She doesn’t see it to the extent Anakin does though, but she recognizes that sometimes he seems to blow things out of proportion when he’s upset, and figures it’ll just blow over once he’s calmed down. - Pads, on the other hand, is always kind of aware of Anakin’s fears of losing her. He often not-so-subtly looks for reassurances that she loves him and won’t leave him, that she’s feeling alright or not angry/annoyed with him. She chalks it up to his trauma with his mother (and she’s partially right), so even when sometimes it gets on her nerves that he seems to doubt her so much, she tries to remind herself of that and let it go.

Those closest to him can pick up that Anakin tends to see the negative in things, and is generally really hard on himself. They try to help out by giving praise where it’s due and just overall Being There, but it’s Rough to know they often don’t get through. (Palps, on the other hand, knows how to weaponize this.)

The saddest part is that I don’t think anyone once thought Anakin was Seriously Ill, partly out of ignorance, partly bc they assumed it had to do with his age/upbringing, and partly bc, eventually, everyone was dealing with trauma and even if someone wanted to send Anakin back to the Temple to have a nap or something, they legit couldn’t bc there was a war going on and he also would never have tolerated it at that point in time. - Obi-Wan’s the one who worries about all of this the most, because he’s always felt such a huge responsibility for Anakin and loves him a lot, he’s just never fully been able to understand how to get on the same wavelength as Anakin. - Anakin, too, actually never fully figures out that there is something Going On. Everything’s always overwhelming him and even though he prefers doing things at 100mph, sometimes it seems like there is Too Much going on, and even during peace times it just felt like he couldn’t keep up with everything. He hates internal reflection but also can’t stop overthinking about everything, and so he just ruminates and goes in circles and often just ends up going nowhere when it comes to dealing with things. He tries his hardest all the time, he is ALWAYS trying, but doing stupid stunts, fighting droids, making robots and speeding everywhere all the time is truthfully only a bandaid. - Being surrounded by those he adores and receiving affection from them/seeing them happy boosts his mood a lot but he doesn’t have enough self-awareness to guess at why his happier moods just won’t last. - Sometimes he can figure out when he’s being irrational and then just takes it out on himself, which only exacerbates his bad episodes.

Palpatine doesn’t help. He’s abusive, manipulates Anakin all the time and is the Worst and definitely makes everything Anakin is struggling with harder and I think we should all just punt him into a sun thank you this isn’t a headcanon I just want everyone to know how much I hate him

#this is like... super long im sorry lmao #and it's probably a bit all over the place anyways #long post #also idr much about mace's characterization so i'm Pretty sure he has a dry sense of humour but idr so lmao forgive that #borderline anakin skywalker #also a lil bit of #adhd anakin skywalker #i focused a bit on his bpd + his relationships here #but if there was something else you'd have preferred my ideas on please lmk #or even if this was remotely close to what you wanted in general #star wars #anakin headcanons #this is my first time doing a like... headcanon list or just some rambling list of ideas so skjlkjsd rip me #gray-does-stuff #ask

94 notes · View notes

duskdragonxiii · 3 years

Note

dusky in what ways do you think therapy would help q4?

I'll be honest i dont know the exact benefits of therapy ive only had counselling a couple of times bc it was free and i was on the brink but i do have so many many thoughts DJSKLBF

Every character in vanguard has thier own issues and while some of them are nuanced some of them are really really obvious

Aichi is very clearly depressed it's not even subtle and as someone who's been through situations that make Aichi's story relatable I think therapy is something he really needs but I've stressed before that Aichi even goes through relapses and such. Vanguard is what's helping him through it its the closest he's getting to therapy. Maybe it's from being bullied in school but Aichi has serious self esteem issues and the core of Vanguard is imagining yourself as the best version of yourself- It's really not a subtle message. Kai brought him into the world of Vanguard and it completely changed his life. Slowly but surely. Even his family note how happy he becomes after getting into vanguard and meeting Kai again. The development on aichis part is really slow but in fairness depression is just like that.

Misaki canonically has PTSD after the death of her parents (this was more severe in V series but at the same time it felt really brushed over which is a real shame) and similar to Aichi was depressed and had little interest in anything before being dragged kicking and screaming into a game she was so scared of. Once again Vanguard is the key to getting through- not over- her issues and she's far happier with her life now.

Kamui is easy to overlook bc he's younger and isn't as clearly distressed as the rest of the team but I think he has serious social issues. He's a popular kid among his peers and he thrives on enthusiasm but he's also vulnerable in his own way. He's intimidated by change and finds it hard to understand other people I think. He has a hard time feeling he belongs with people. One of those people who has so many friends but rarely lets any of them close. He found where he belongs in Q4 and thats why when he finds Kai hard to deal with he finds is especially hard. It's really hard to say what Kamui's issues are tbh but I don't doubt therapy would benefit him too. (I hc he has adhd and dyslexia but that's more of a me thing) Kai in particular has serious issues with running and hiding from his problems. He acts all cool in order to push people away. Obviously he's already fucked up from his parents death and the first person who got him to open up after that was of course Ren (and Tetsu) unfortunately as a result he didn't realize how high a pedestal he was putting Ren on that it absolutely shattered him when Ren turned out to not be the person he had been in his imagination (Don't give me any of that he changed bc of psyqualia thing, that's a metaphor and you know it and you're missing the whole point) and instead of trying to accept Ren as he was he ran away. This is addressed again in the Psyqualia Aichi arc when Aichi starts to get lost in his own power- giving Kai the painful reminder when once again someone he's connecting to might not be the flawless and innocent person he imagined them to be. The difference is, Aichi brought him close to a whole lot of other people and Aichi himself made him realize that he can't keep running and that's what brings him to his senses and able to face it.

Not Q4 but relevant; Ren has abandonment issues probably due to his shitty parents (although this is only really established in V series where things are quite different but i still think that's the case in the og) so when Kai didn't approve of his new self and worst of all walked away without even saying goodbye it sent him over the edge and he became the nasty and aggressive cardfighter we know him as in season 1- all because he wants Kai to come back to him. He has a single minded OBSESSION with Kai that's really not healthy- and while after season 1 he starts to get better he never truely lets go.

Kai and Ren could BOTH get over their issues if they would just talk about it but unfortunately they both have issues with communication that make it impossible- hence why cardfight is so important to them now. with thier imagination and putting thier true selves in this game it gives them something in common and a way to communicate through all the issues they have with eachother and at the end of LM though it's been really slow its clear that they ARE healing. It may sound silly, but Kai making an off comment about how he doesn't like the way Ren is dressed is a BIG thing for him. I could analyse this moment till the cows come home because its the first time Kai manages to express himself with words, clumsy as it is. What "I don't like the old you" really means below the surface is I know and accept that you have changed. And Ren's playful response being "Then you like me as i am now?" while he is being playful that in itself means I'm still not the person you want me to be I will never be that again but I'm happy that you can finally see me as I am. It's really important to me....

Anyway Sorry for this ramble i really feel strongly about cfv LOL welcome to my KaiRen agenda--

#answer time #THIS IS SO LONG IM SO SORRY #i have to rewatch cfv bc honestly i dont remember much abt kamui and im so sad bc i love him

9 notes · View notes

zosonils-art · 4 years

Link

Rating: General Audiences

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply

Category: Gen

Relationship: Ferb Fletcher & Phineas Flynn

Characters: Ferb Fletcher, Phineas Flynn, Perry the Platypus (Phineas and Ferb), Linda Flynn-Fletcher

Additional Tags: Autistic Ferb, Autistic Phineas, autistic phineas is more implied and could also be taken as adhd but he has both anyway so, Autistic Meltdown, Autism, Sensory Overload, Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Illustrations, Canon Continuation, Fix-It of Sorts, i think????? i don't frequent this goddamn website i don't know, Brotherly Love, Crying, some of the crying is me

Summary: A stressful day pushes Ferb past his breaking point, and Phineas feels that he has a responsibility to set things right. Takes place immediately after Ready For The Bettys. Was supposed to be a simple continuation fic but got wildly out of hand. Ph*n*rb shippers fuck off this isn't for you.

---

as you’ve probably figured out if you’re following my main, i recently wrote my first fic since i was about 13! it’s available on ao3 at the link above, but you can also read it on tumblr by clicking the readmore on this post! i put a lot of effort into this and it took a lot of courage to post, so feedback is greatly appreciated!

"Mom! Guess what Ferb did!"

Phineas bursts into the kitchen energetically, still buzzing with adrenaline from the day's adventure. Ferb follows a step or two behind. Linda turns her attention from the freshly baked pie in her hands to her sons, although Phineas is too beside himself with excitement to consider whether or not she's paying attention. "He made a secret tunnel, and a spy headquarters, and a villain's lair, and a hover jet shaped like Perry- tell her, Ferb!"

Ferb doesn't match Phineas' enthusiasm. In fact, at the moment, he's sick to death of it. He prepares to launch into the explanation he's been trying all day to give. "Actually, I-"

"Wait a second," Linda interrupts, eyeing the boys with suspicion. "Why are you two soaking wet?"

The interruption is just too much for Ferb. He doesn't even process the question, just lets out a harsh shout of frustration. Phineas recoils - Ferb almost never shouts. "I give UP!" Ferb yells, his voice shaking on the last syllable, and before either of his surprised family members can respond, he turns around and storms off, his destination betrayed by the distinct clunking rhythm of stairs being stomped on too hard and the sound of a door slamming upstairs.

For a moment, the kitchen is silent. Linda recovers before Phineas does, her eyes narrowing in disapproval. "Young man, that is not how we talk to each other in this house!" she calls, setting the pie tin and her oven mitts down on the kitchen counter and following Ferb's path to his room. Before she can make it to the doorway, though, her progress is halted.

"Mom, wait!" Phineas pleads. He's finally caught onto what's been going on all day, and although he's still only half processed it, he knows he doesn't want Ferb to be in trouble for it. He frantically tugs on Linda's arm to draw her attention. Once he's sure that she's stopped, he withdraws his hand (he's still wet, after all, he doesn't want to make her uncomfortable), but sidesteps around her to put his tiny body firmly between her and the doorway to the living room. "Mom, please don't be mad at Ferb, it- it's not his fault! I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it, he's just..." Phineas' voice trails off briefly, but he forces it back into action, complete with the most serious expression he can manage. "If you're gonna be mad at either of us, it should be me, okay?"

At first, Linda returns Phineas' gaze with suspicion, then her face softens with realisation. She crouches down to her son's eye level, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Phineas, did something else happen today?" she asks, the anger gone from her voice.

Phineas hesitates, dropping eye contact again. He's almost certain about the cause of Ferb's outburst, and he can't help but mentally beat himself up for it to a degree. "Well, Ferb's been trying to tell me something all day, but he kept getting interrupted by our spy mission, and I guess it must have been really frustrating because he hates being interrupted but I didn't realise and-" he pauses to breathe, and shudders as he inhales as if on the verge of tears - "and I should have asked at some point but I just kept getting distracted and I didn't even realise how upset it was making him but-"

"Phineas," Linda says gently, and he gladly accepts the invitation to cut his rambling short. His breathing is shaky, but he doesn't cry just yet, even though his emotional state has nosedived in barely a minute. After giving him a moment to snap back into focus, Linda continues. "Phineas, honey, it sounds like this has just been a misunderstanding. On my end, too," she adds, regretting having snapped at Ferb earlier. Phineas nods with a nondescript mumble of agreement. Although he still obviously isn't looking, Linda gives him a reassuring smile anyway, accompanied by a gentle squeeze of his shoulder. "Thank you for telling the truth, sweetheart," she praises him.

"Mmh," Phineas mumbles, tugging at his shirt collar. He tends to fiddle with his shirt when he's nervous or overexcited. It doesn't hold a candle to bouncing his leg or flapping his hands, as far as stimming goes, but it's a lot easier to do while someone is touching you. "I just should've realised what was up earlier, then he probably wouldn't have freaked out..."

He finally glances up again, and the look his mom is giving him tells him that he should drop the argument, so he stops. Linda ruffles his hair affectionately, leaning forward to reach all the way behind Phineas' oddly-shaped head, and flinches at the unpleasant reminder of how waterlogged he still is. She stands up, flicking her hand dry. "I'm sure he knows you didn't mean to hurt his feelings," she reassures Phineas. "Why don't you dry yourself off and then go talk to him? Which reminds me," Linda motions towards the puddles tracked all over the kitchen floor, "why are you two so wet?"

"Oh, we fell in Isabella's pool," Phineas answers matter-of-factly. He isn't quite back to his usual blindingly sunny disposition, but the panicky tremble in his voice has at least disappeared.

Linda smiles, resisting the urge to roll her eyes. "Well, that I believe," she says. She'd tactfully decided not to comment on whatever that secret spy headquarters spiel was that Phineas had been getting worked up over, but she suspects his latest imaginary game took the boys to Isabella's backyard and ended up having some real-life consequences. "Oh, hi, Perry," she adds, as the platypus in question waddles into the kitchen.

Perry responds with his familiar chatter. Phineas leans down to pet Perry on the head. "At least you've had a stress-free day, huh," he says, then leaves for the bathroom. Perry stares at him blankly.

---

Ferb is having a meltdown.

He knows what this is, of course. He reads every textbook and blog post on the subject he can find, just in case it helps him make some more sense of himself. If he misses one, Phineas will no doubt have found and memorised it himself for the same reason, and will gladly rattle off anything new. Knowing why there's a raging storm beating at the inside of his head, however, is entirely different from quelling it. By the time he reaches his bedroom, he's trembling so violently that he can barely stand. He stumbles to his bed, pushing his hands down into the mattress to keep himself on his feet.

It's like feeling every feeling from every second of the day all in the same moment, and it hurts. So much is happening in his head that he can't even isolate a single thought, let alone process what it means. Is he angry? That'd make sense, sure, but his mental state isn't exactly conducive to deductive reasoning at the moment. Is he sad? Scared? Something else entirely?? He can't tell what emotion or mixture thereof it is, only that it's hurting his head, and he wants to get it out but he doesn't know how. He's struggling to breathe now, his arms shaking with the effort of keeping his body supported, and as he draws in a desperate shuddering breath Ferb feels something wet in his eye and then on his face, and he remembers that his entire body is wet and he hates it. It's cold, and his hair is sticking to his face and uncomfortably close to his eyes, and his clothes cling to his body oppressively and he wants to tear them off and stop feeling everything. Instead of doing that, he forces himself to breathe in again and looks around the room frantically, hoping to find something other than absolutely everything to concentrate on.

His eyes land on Phineas' bed, and although his vision is blurring as the panicky tears pour down his face, he recognises the shape instantly. Is he mad at Phineas? Should he be? He should be, right? If Phineas had just stopped to listen to him for once, he wouldn't be here with the world ending inside his brain. Another violent wave of emotion sends a shock through his whole body, and Ferb is still in no state to identify it, but he gets the message. He doesn't want to be angry. Not at Phineas. In fact, he doesn't want to feel anything he's feeling at the moment. Not the turbulent assault of everything inside his head, not the hammering rhythm of his heart trying to beat its way out of his chest, not every tiny thing that touches his skin or the light from outside that still feels blinding through the curtains or the muffled sounds of conversation downstairs that he doesn't have room in his brain to translate into anything but more noise.

Sensory overload is another term Ferb knows, and it's another one that doesn't really help to know in the moment. The feeling of anxiety that's been growing in his chest since that morning finally becomes too much for his body to handle, and he collapses on his bed, weakly gripping the blanket for support. Burying his face in his covers blocks out most of the sunlight, at least, but it doesn't significantly improve his mood. He shivers, partly from cold thanks to still being uncomfortably wet, partly from the sobs making his whole body convulse. (When did those start? He doesn't remember.) He uses the last of his physical strength to pull himself fully onto his bed and curl into himself, trying desperately to calm himself down.

...

It's not working. Why isn't it working?? It's as if every effort to steady his breathing just makes him cry harder, every attempt at a calming thought being shattered into a thousand anxious ones by the merciless torrent of everything whirling around in his mind. Ferb is suddenly hyper-aware of how empty the room around him is, and it makes him feel helpless. It's the first feeling he's managed to connect a name to with absolute certainty this whole time, and it's terrifying.

If he was making any noise before in his attempts to control his breathing, he's stopped now. No sound escapes him as he lies in place, too preoccupied with the overwhelming barrage of thoughts in his brain to move. More than anything, Ferb wants his brain to just shut off. Everything in his mind blends into a horrible white noise that won't stop, threatening to drown him in static.

Through the raging mental cyclone, he just barely hears the knock at the door.

Phineas waits a moment before entering his room. He wants to make sure Ferb has time to process that he's here. A few seconds pass, then he opens the door slowly so that it doesn't make any sound. A stab of guilt hits him when he sees Ferb curled up on his bed, visibly distressed. He's facing the opposite wall, but the way he shudders as he breathes makes it obvious that he's crying. Phineas feels his heart sink. He'd really hoped it wouldn't be this bad.

"Hey," he says softly. Ferb grips himself tighter. Just a minute ago, Phineas would have been the last person he wanted to see, but now his desperation for comfort outweighs any lingering hints of animosity. He doesn't object to his brother's presence, so Phineas gently closes the door and walks over to his side of the room. He sits on the bed, watching Ferb to see if he reacts negatively to the shift in weight distribution, and tenses up slightly at how damp the blanket is. Of course, Ferb wouldn't have stopped to dry off on his way up here. A closer look confirms that while a lot of the water on his body has run off and soaked into his bed, Ferb is still almost as wet as he was when he arrived home. Phineas frowns - that can't be comfortable, and it's probably making him feel even worse. "Are you okay?" he asks.

Ferb curls into himself even more instead of asking. The question is so frustratingly rhetorical that he almost reconsiders the possibility of being angry, but the idea still scares him, so the feeling passes. Fortunately, Phineas understands the unspoken 'obviously not' with no further input, and continues to talk. "I'm really sorry about today," he begins. "I know you don't like being interrupted, and I should've realised that it was making you feel bad but I just wasn't paying enough attention and- and I'm sorry, because it's kinda my fault you got so upset," he apologises, not realising that he's holding back tears until he stops to breathe. He wills himself not to cry. He's here to try and make Ferb feel better, not guilt him into forgiveness.

It takes a second or two for Ferb to process what Phineas is saying. It's a struggle to drag the words through the confusing whirlwind of everything still rampaging through his head. Eventually, after a great deal of mental effort, he shakes his head in response. Perhaps he was angry before, he still can't tell, but he definitely isn't now. He can't manage anything beyond the simple gesture, but it's not the first time he's been utterly uncommunicative, so Phineas understands the meaning as well as he needs to: it's not your fault.

"Th-thanks," he stutters, although Ferb's acceptance does little to settle the crushing feeling of responsibility. "Next time you can speak I'll let you tell me whatever it is you needed to, okay? I promise." He smiles a little. "No more secret agent business to interrupt you."

The last sentence sure prompts a reaction from Ferb - he rolls over so that his face is entirely buried in the blanket and makes a frustrated noise without opening his mouth, his body shaking with some mixture of anger and physical strain. Phineas inhales sharply and recoils, no more prepared for an audible outburst from Ferb than the first time. "Hey, what's wrong?" he asks, already speed-testing possible answers in his head. "Did you not have fun today? Of- of course you didn't, that's why you're upset, but I thought you did a great job on the spy mission! It was really cool." He's trying to be reassuring, but Ferb just shakes harder, seemingly becoming more aggravated rather than less.

Phineas tilts his head in confusion. "Ferb? Ferb, it's okay, I-I'm sorry. Did... did it not go the way you planned?" he guesses, searching increasingly frantically for any change in Ferb's body language. "Hmm... oh, were you not finished building it yet?" He thinks back to Ferb's numerous attempts at speaking to him throughout the day, hoping that he'll find some clue that makes everything fall into place - and something clicks in his brain. He deflates a little at how painfully obvious the realisation seems in retrospect, with a soft "Oh." Sighing at his own ignorance, he directs his voice to Ferb again as he says, "You didn't actually build all that, did you?"

Ferb sits up slowly and turns to Phineas with his signature deadpan glare, the silent, biting sarcasm undermined significantly by the tears still falling from his eyes. Phineas hums concernedly. "Is that what you were trying to tell me?" he asks. Ferb gets partway through rolling his eyes before giving up and returning to the fetal position.

Phineas sighs sadly. He hates seeing his brother cry. There's nothing he wants to do more than pull him into the tightest hug he can manage, but he knows Ferb won't appreciate being touched in this state, so he opts to fiddle with his shirt again to keep his hands busy. "Who do you think did build that stuff?" he asks. Ferb doesn't care. On any other day, a secret spy lair being hidden under his house would be cause for immeasurable excitement, but after the day's events he's thoroughly sick of thinking about the subject. Phineas picks up on Ferb's antipathy towards the question and, sensing that it might be a sore topic for some time, decides not to bring it up again for a while. He'll satisfy his curiosity sometime when it doesn't come at the expense of Ferb's comfort.

An uncomfortable silence falls over the boys. It's broken when Ferb suddenly sniffles loud enough to make Phineas jump, sits up again, and halfheartedly tries to wipe the tears from his face. "Oh geez, hold on," Phineas says, leaning over to rummage through his short pockets. He eventually pulls out a wad of tissues, somehow unaffected by the earlier impromptu dive into Isabella's pool. He offers them with a gentle "here you go" to Ferb, who takes a few silently and scrubs at his eyes.

While he still doesn't feel good by any stretch of the definition, Ferb at least doesn't feel completely awful anymore. What was once a violent hurricane in his mind has receded enough that he can focus on the world around him without breaking down, at least for the time being, and he's left feeling just drained. He balls up his handful of tissues and tosses them at the bin under his desk. The ball makes it to Phineas' leg before unceremoniously bouncing to a stop. Phineas picks it up and throws it the rest of the way to the trash, standing up to do so.

Rather than sit down again, he kneels down and pulls out one of the drawers conveniently built into the bed. Ferb watches inquisitively, still too out of it to immediately catch onto what's happening. Phineas rummages a little before finally pulling out a pair of pyjamas, suggesting, "You should dry off and change your clothes." He pauses to think. "Can you make it downstairs to the bathroom by yourself?" he asks. At any other time, it would be a silly question, but Ferb is always exhausted after a meltdown. The visible effort it's taking him just to stay upright isn't lost on Phineas. Ferb ponders the question, then gives a tentative nod. He's definitely shaky, but he really wants to change into something dry.

"Great!" Phineas smiles encouragingly. "Should I bring the usual stuff to the living room? Your bed's probably not gonna feel comfortable until it dries out." Ferb glances down at the unmistakable damp silhouette of where he had been lying earlier and nods again, more confidently. He slowly gets to his feet, first pushing against his bed for support, then grasping the hand Phineas offers him. He lets go once he's certain he's regained his balance, and only then does Phineas hand him his pyjamas. "I'll come meet you downstairs, okay?" Phineas says. Then, pulling at the bottom of his shirt, which is still a bit soggy despite his best efforts to towel it off, he adds, "I should probably change into something dry as well."

---

Ferb rubs his eyes as he comes out of the bathroom, his drenched clothes swapped out for his much more comfortable pyjamas. He's stopped crying, it seems, but he's still feeling sensitive enough that the light from outside bothers him. He's relieved to discover that it's much darker in the living room - Phineas must have been here already. The curtains are drawn so that the lamp on the end table is the only light source in the room, softly illuminating its surroundings with a pleasant warm glow. He doesn't have the energy to analyse the entire room, even in these far more bearable conditions, but his attention is drawn to his favourite weighted blanket folded neatly on the couch. He sits down and drags the blanket over him, struggling a bit with the weight, but relaxing once he feels its reassuring pressure on his legs.

It's as he's settling into his position on the couch that Phineas enters with an "Oh, there you are, Ferb!". Perry is firmly but comfortably wedged under one of his arms, like a fuzzy teal football or loaf of bread, and seems altogether unbothered by his position. Ferb gasps quietly at the sight of Perry, his eyes brightening momentarily, and reaches out for him with various soft noises of urgency. Phineas wastes no time in setting Perry down next to Ferb, and the platypus reacts with a gentle, almost soothing chatter. Ferb instinctively mimicks the sound under his breath, and Perry responds with a nearly identical noise. Ferb echoes it again, slightly louder this time, and his face lights up with a weak smile, the first one he's managed all day.

Taking this as a sign of progress, Phineas sighs with relief as he sits on the sofa. He makes sure to maintain a respectful distance from Ferb, who's running a hand through Perry's fur as they echo the same low growling noise back at each other. (It pains Phineas not to join in, but he senses the two have gotten themselves into a groove that would be rude to interrupt.) Ferb's smile fades almost as soon as it appears, but he seems much more relaxed after the change in clothes and scenery. His hair is sticking up in every direction from being towelled dry, and Phineas stifles a laugh at how silly it looks. The back-and-forth chattering eventually dies down, and it's only then that Phineas continues. "Mom's gonna make you some tea, and she says if you aren't feeling better by dinner you can eat in here if you want," he says. Ferb turns to him and raises a thumbs-up briefly before returning his hand and focus to Perry.

Phineas quietly watches his brother for a moment before speaking again. "Do you want me to stay?" he asks. Exactly how sociable Ferb is while he's coming out of a meltdown varies. He almost invariably needs some time on his own to mentally reset, but sometimes it helps if someone he trusts is there to reassure him for a while first. In Phineas' experience, asking is always the best way to tell.

Ferb hesitates for a second, then surprises both of them with his answer, which is to turn and collapse into Phineas' lap with one arm hooked over his legs in a sort of pseudo-hug. Phineas tenses up, not sure how to react. He cautiously puts an arm around Ferb, in a comforting gesture that doesn't fully subject him to the overwhelming sensory experience of a true hug. Ferb doesn't fight it, just repositions himself so that he's lying down with Phineas as a makeshift pillow and sinks further into the gentle embrace. Phineas laughs softly. "Okay, I guess you do."

This is nice, Ferb thinks. Definitely an improvement over violently sobbing alone in his room. Perry must be feeling relaxed too, because he climbs onto Ferb's stomach, circles a few times, lets out one more chatter, then flops down and goes to sleep, purring gently. Phineas giggles at the platypus' behaviour, and Ferb's shoulders shake in silent laughter - his blanket absorbs enough of the sensation that it just tickles. Watching Perry doze off reminds him that he's still exhausted, despite the positive change in environment, and his attempt to stifle a yawn fails. He's still on high alert, and he knows he won't be sleeping for longer than a few minutes until the emotional clutter completely drains from his mind. With that said, both the blanket and Perry weighing down on him make for a pretty cosy combination, and he finds himself fighting to keep his eyes open. Maybe just a moment of rest will be good for him.

Before he knows it, his eyes are closed, and he's powerless to prevent himself from drifting off. Phineas accepts his new career as a pillow without comment, simply adjusting his right hand so that both his arms are positioned protectively around his brother. Being trapped in place for the time being doesn't worry him. Ferb won't mind being stirred awake when their mom arrives with his tea, and until then Phineas can easily occupy himself with thoughts of what to do tomorrow. Besides, he can subject himself to a few minutes of quiet if that's what Ferb needs. What kind of a brother would he be if he couldn't, right?

Ferb half-consciously brings a hand to Phineas' wrist, as if it'll float off if he isn't holding on. He can feel his brain shutting down, and he welcomes the change. The last thing he's aware of before his consciousness finally leaves him in peace for a moment is the sound of Phineas' voice, promising him, "You're gonna be okay."

#zos writes #phineas and ferb #ferb fletcher #phineas flynn #won't tag perry or linda since they're side characters basically #anyway please for the love of god reblog this. links don't show up in tags so literally the only way people will see this is reblogs #i'm serious about the fuck off too if ph*n*rbs even LOOK at this post i will stomp you to death with my hooves

93 notes · View notes

spade-snax · 3 years

Text

Alright, follow-up post to the "ooooo serious post" I made earlier. You can tell I wasn't really feeling too well when I made it appear ten times more serious than it really is. My apologies, I was overthinking things again.

But my point stands, it is more serious than more things and I need to step my foot down and listen to my needs. (And all the other things around me. Oh, here's a quick sorry again if this is written way worse than my previous post, I woke up a while ago and I haven't been able to stop thinking about this since I went to sleep.)

What I want to talk about first is the name for the AU, being "Cingesnax". I haven't chosen the name myself, it popped up suddenly and people began using it/recognizing the AU as such and so I began tagging my reblogs and posts using the name. However to myself I still just call it "Shadow Filbo AU"

I'm not naming names, and you probably know who I am talking about but for a while there was an user who felt quite hurt by the use of "Cringe" in the name. I don't really like the name either, but I don't mind it as much.

I hammer it in often, which I am sure everyone knows and respects but - this AU is NOT meant for any harassment or making fun out of things. It's purely lighthearted fun and shitposting. It's tributing those things. To me these characters are based on me and my childhood which I poke fun at.

I can see why someone would feel hurt or targeted by the use of the word cringe around these things, considering how it's been used/overused to harm people.

I feel like I had to address this because I do not want to feel like anyone is targeted because of my creation. There won't always be people who like it, yes - but as the creator I feel liek I need to take some respolsibility here. And seeing people ahrmed is the last thing I want, really.

(The person does understand now though, they've replied to me and they're fine, so that's good, but I wonder if there's people who feel upset and haven't spoken up. I mean, that's their thing, they can just block the tag, which is why I overtag my things wich character names and such if you just don't want to see them for any reasons, especially triggers.)

I am still overthinking this and making this more serious, sure. And I KNOW not everyone will read and agree to this, but a simple solution to stop people from coming to conclusions would be figuring out a new name, or just me hammering it in even more as the og creator of this whole thing that it is lighthearted fun.

(Hell, a lot of the things being "made fun of" in this AU I genuinely like or are still a part of. Like Furry Gramble - I am a furry myself, and as I've said many times before he is heavily based on me when I was a younger, way more edgy furry kid.)

But that isn't the main and only reason why I am here and I am just overexplaining myself and making things appear way worse than they are. It's just me overthinking, really - but I still feel like letting everyone know and be responsible is important. Just a lil' reminder, a bop on the head if you will. Nothing too bad, but I fear nobody will read it if I'm not serious in the slightest.

Anyways, onto the other thing, being how this affected me as a peson. I absolutely LOVE seeing everyone's involvement and creations! I'm so very glad my creation brings joy to so many people, not only me and my friends. That it brings us together to just have fun, bond, and create. As said to me before, the fandom hasn't had anything like this before so I believe Shadow Filbo is important in that regard.

I'm still just a person and I want to talk about my work and interests to other people. Like people, you know. But I've also made it as an effort as a creator of a thing to respond to all the fanart I get, and just help people's work get out there. Same with OCs and all other creations within the AU. It all deserves to be seen, you're a great artist. And it makes me really happy to see people happy themselves when I respond to their work.

And even if the amount of stuff I've been getting daily has slowed down, it's still quite overwhelming to me sometimes. It feels like a chore sometimes and I don't wanna force a "YOOO ADSJDFEWRGREWGBRSTH" reaction onto everything because it's not always so genuine. I love seeing all the work but I won't have the excitement if reblogging it and putting in all the tags feels like a chore to me.

I want all this to be genuine and I've been feeling drained. It's absolutely amazing and I am glad that I had the chance and luck to have my work well-knowna nd noticed within a small community to be recognized even by the CREATORS of the thing I am hyperfixating on. But at the same time I feel responsible for a lot of stuff, and the effort I've made to be interactive is quite draining, as I've stated before.

It's taking a bit of a toll on me, and getting more stuff to respond to is like - dishes in the sink piling up into a bigger pile. I genuinely love all of this, but I'm just tired. I need a little break from responding to all of this... Just all the attention and stuff is making me socially exhausted. Definitely the fact I'm a massive introvert and my ADHD kicking in veery nicely. /s

I'm probably going to only reblog stuff involving my characters for the AU and Shadow Filbo himself - and any discussion in regards to the AU. Not someone else's art and OCs for the AU. There's a lot of it. Anyways, I'm starting to lag a little bit with how long this is getting. Yes, my computer is just that weak.

I'm already loosing track of what I've said but, yeah.

This AU has been great, I love it. I love you guys. I am happy for all the cool new people I've met, even if we aren't exactly friends. It's taken a bit of a toll on me and I'll do my best to take care of myself and just - not let it take effect on me. And I hope we can keep this place as accepting and inviting as it can be. Even if it takes changing the name etc. Though i know I cannot change individual folk's opinions.

Yeah, this is realy long now and I am getting double thoughts on this - and I have a test in 20 minutes so I am not sure how active I can be with this, but I doubt I'll be getting many responses yet considering it's 3 or so AM in the US. (9:50 AM here)

Cya guys, take care too. I'll upload a doodle I did yesterday as a little comfort thing after this :)

I hope I can get back onto working on OCs too, and just kinda sit down without artblock or executive dysfunction. Buh-bye now

(Also, sorry this is written in weird blocks/paragraphs, I'm doing this so it's easy on *my* eyes.)

#ramble #rambles #long #longpost #txt #shadow filbo #shadow filbo au #cringesnax #keeping that tag for now #I'm gonna have regrets once I'm less tired #The second I have slight regrets while typing or doing something I WILL regret it more later #I've made that observation well enough #But I hope what I mean comes across well enough...#bugsnax

33 notes · View notes

melancholic-pigeon · 3 years

Text

Too Short For Ao3 Fic #3? 4?

SO this is the extended edition of the bonus wip I did with Sally's birthday. The overall fic it belongs to is Extremely Smutty, so I went in and revised out the brief references and I'm posting the family-centric g-rated stuff for anyone who wants that but not the smut! Cough.

Also, I felt bad about missing WIP Wednesday again. Lolsob.

Percy rouses at around eleven PM to a sketch of himself on Jason's pillow. There's a note on the other side.

I wanted to wake you up to say goodbye, but you looked so comfy I didn't have the heart to. your mom's presents are in the bag by my desk. say hi to everyone for me. I'll call tomorrow anyway.

love you to the moon and back.

-J. ❤

Complete with a little red heart. He doesn't even care that the doodle of him next to it, burritoed in a pile of blankets, includes a little spot of drool— he can tell by the rest of his cartoony, ballpoint features that Jason put it in because he thinks it's cute.

(And by the fact that he's said so, several times.)

Percy gathers up his junk. The cornflower blue sweatshirt he steals goes halfway down his fingers. He's come to accept that at six foot three and counting, Jason is the taller of them and always will be— barring some sort of horrible wood-chipper accident or curse from a grumpy deity.

Fortunately, there's something about looking up to meet someone's eyes that Percy finds incredibly attractive. He has since Annabeth outgrew him for the first time in eighth grade.

He heads out in his own jeans and the boxers he packed and the sweatshirt that smells like cinnamon. Once he boards the train, he stands with his arm around a pole and the other holding the bag against his chest, and tries to stay casual and keep the grin off his face.

It's almost midnight when he gets home. His mom, of course, is still awake, so he heads into the living room to greet her.

"My other half says hello."

There's a pile of presents on the coffee table. He puts the bag with the rest of them and sits down, kissing her cheek.

"He didn't have to get me anything." She closes her book and eyes the bag with a fond sigh. "How is he?"

Percy's the same way she is, always happy to do favors and give gifts, but feeling pretty awkward about receiving them. Jason's even worse, the three of them in an ongoing and circular competition to never let any of it go reciprocated.

"Working too hard, as always. Pulling As and winning games and barely sleeping to do it. His stepmother's up his ass and his father's a bully, so, you know, news at eleven." He leans his head onto her shoulder. "That's why he gives you stuff. He's trying to show you how much he appreciates you."

She sighs, and Percy knows it's because she's just as frustrated by the whole thing as he is.

"He knows I appreciate him too, I hope."

"Without a doubt." Percy smiles at her, watching as she goes a little pink and smiles back. "You have a talent for making him feel appreciated."

"He treats my baby like a prince," she says softly. "That's why I appreciate him so much in the first place. How could I do anything else?"

Percy turns his face into her shirt collar, another futile attempt to hide his goofy expression,

"He really does, doesn't he?"

Holding doors, pulling out chairs, offering an arm on unsteady streets. Jason's never laid his coat over a puddle, but Percy's pretty sure he would, if the option presented itself.

His mom starts playing with his hair, her fingers light and familiar.

"I'm just happy you're happy, sweetheart."

He knows that feeling too.

Half asleep from the petting, Percy lets himself be a little babyish. It's after midnight now, which means it's her birthday, and he knows that sometimes she misses when he was Estelle's age and little enough to curl up in her lap. He's way too big for that now, obviously, but he can still slide down the couch and rest his head there.

"You too, Mama."

She looks at him, her eyes misty with emotion and almost green in the light.

She's smiling, too.

She smiles a lot, these days.

—

In the morning, Paul makes coffee while Estelle helps unwrap the avalanche of presents. She's at the age where ripping paper makes her squeal with hysterical laughter, which worms its way into Percy's heart and melts it into pudding.

Several of them are from Percy's friends, including a handbound book of original recipes from Leo, a lovely silver bracelet inset with mother-of-pearl that Beckendorf made himself, and a huge sheathed knife with a matching decorative handle from Clarisse. The last one makes his mom snort as she gets up to put it on the bookshelf, out of reach of curious toddler hands.

"Decorative. Sure."

"I bet she'd teach you how to use it if you asked."

"I know how to use a bowie knife, dear. Your father and I used to catch and cook our own fish when we went camping."

"Which reminds me, he still hasn't taken me out," Paul cuts in, frowning. "I've been saving up dad jokes and embarrassing stories for four years."

"I'll bug him about it the next time we talk," Percy promises. "It's probably the ADHD."

"Do you want me to bug you about bugging him?"

"If you haven't set something up by blueback season, yeah."

Percy and Paul went in on a pound of jasmine tea, which his mom reaches for next. She immediately asks for a cup— it's one of two days out of the entire year where she lets other people wait on her, for a change, and even that took a lot of cajoling.

Paul makes the tea, since Percy usually scalds the leaves and it turns out tasting like grass. She probably wouldn't complain anyway, but it's her birthday, and she deserves to have the best tea that can be made in their kitchen.

"Is the last bag from Jason?" Paul sets the mug on a coaster in the middle of the coffee table, and Percy scoops the baby into his lap so she doesn't try to grab it. She mashes her tiny hand against his cheek.

"And Thalia. I'm not sure if they went in on stuff or he just packed them both in one bag to make it easy."

Either is a possibility. He watches as his mom reaches in and pulls out a large wrapped frame, Thalia's spiky handwriting answering the question.

Whatever's inside, it makes her shut her eyes and exhale deeply through her nose.

"Please pass on that I am absolutely furious."

She turns the frame around. An autographed vinyl EP of Sign O' the Times by Prince— one of the albums Percy grew up on, though she skipped a number of the songs when he was little. Thalia must have spent a fortune on it.

"That woman is incredible," Paul breathes, lightly touching the glass. "How does she get this stuff?"

"See!"

"She has friends in high places." Percy grins as Estelle reaches for the album, and holds her over the glass so she can touch it too. "She's also really good at barter chains."

His mother shakes her head, but he can tell how delighted she is— the two of them have spent hours animatedly talking about music, Thalia hanging on every word and groaning with jealousy over the concerts his mom went to in the eighties.

"I know exactly where I'm going to put it."

Thalia got her a turntable for her fortieth birthday last year, as well as a full set of replacements for every worn-out record in their collection— and had the originals framed too, since they had sentimental value. They're currently occupying the better part of two walls of his mom's study.

There's a blank spot by her bookshelf, right underneath the first copy, that the autographed album will fit into perfectly. Percy grins.

"I'll hang it up for you later."

She doesn't argue. There's only Jason's left, his careful print written out across the same paper Thalia used. The crinkling draws Estelle's attention, and she gleefully reaches over to help tear it off.

Their mom gasps at what's inside and puts a hand to her mouth, her eyes going bright.

It's a watercolor portrait of Percy and Estelle, laughing by the shoreline. She's dressed in a little bucket hat, a ruffled swimsuit patterned to look like a clownfish and the coolest shades in the world— sparkly blue frames shaped like seashells that he kind of wishes he could get in his size. He's in a wetsuit, having spent the morning surfing, and he's holding onto her hands so she can jump at the waves. In the distant background is the Montauk lighthouse.

It's beautifully done, like everything else Jason's ever put to paper, but Percy's never choked up like this over one of them.

"You remember that, Beluga? That was on my birthday, when you came and visited me and Jason at the beach."

"Beach?" she asks, expectant. Paul bursts into laughter, sounding as rough-voiced as Percy feels.

"You're your mother's daughter, sweet pea."

"Beach!" Estelle insists. Percy noses her pudgy cheek.

"It's too cold to swim, baby." His mom's eyes are sparkling, still a little teary. He can see Estelle in the smile on her face. "But we could go for a walk and visit."

"Brunch first." Paul kisses her— Percy averts his eyes, wrinkling his nose at his sister to make her giggle again— and gets up, heading back into the kitchen.

It's a lovely way to spend a late morning. Pale blue araucana eggs courtesy of Grover's new hens, a blueberry coffee cake from Nico by a fantastic hole in the wall in Hell's Kitchen, Paul's signature home fries made with blue potatoes and seasoned to perfection; all of it delicious.

Jason calls while Percy's doing the dishes. After his deep, resonant performance of the happy birthday song, the five of them chat on speakerphone for a little while, though he has to excuse himself pretty quickly to keep banging through his reading.

"Maybe next year," Percy sighs. His mom puts her hand on his hip, then crouches down to help Estelle with her light-up sneakers.

"He's always welcome for a rain check."

"He's always welcome, period," Paul adds. For the second time, Percy gets dangerously close to sniffling.

Montauk is a little far for a day trip, so they head to Brighton Beach instead. Estelle's shrimpy legs get tuckered out more quickly than the grownups' do, so Percy ends up carrying her on his hip, snuggled into his jacket to block the chilly breeze. She points at seagulls, shouting triumphantly every time.

"More bird!"

"That's right. A whole flock of 'em."

They watch for a while as the gulls fight over a discarded pizza crust. Then Percy feels an arm around his back and a head against his shoulder.

"I don't know how I got so lucky," his mother murmurs, barely audible over the rushing of the waves.

Percy's eyes sting.

For most of his life, her birthdays had been spent without fanfare. He was rarely actually there for them anyway, and Gabe complained so much it was easier to just ignore the day and focus on survival instead.

She'd been triaging like that since before she even met his dad, keeping herself afloat when nobody seemed to care if she drowned. It would have been easy to lie down and give up. Percy's pretty sure he would have, in her place.

He turns to hug her with the obligatory proclamation of a Stella Sandwich. He catches Paul's eye over her shoulder, and gets a wide, sentimental grin in response.

"Luck's got nothing to do with it," Percy tells her, leaning his cheek against the top of her head while his sister wriggles with delight between them.

"Listen to our son," Paul adds. "He's very wise, as you raised him to be. This is all on you, honey."

Within moments, she's surrounded by her whole family on all sides, and Percy has another arm around his back, and he's getting a little choked up over it all.

When she first started dating Paul, back when Percy was still in middle school, she'd spent weeks all aflutter. It was the happiest he'd ever seen her at the time. They'd sit outside and work on her car together, and she'd slip into song like a grease-stained fairytale princess without even thinking about it.

Seeing them interact is like cool water on a burn, Paul's devoted kindness soothing a lifetime of sitting back and watching people treat her like dirt. He worships her, just like she deserves and long overdue.

"I love you," she says, tearful and muffled in someone's shoulder. "All of you, more than anything."

"Love Mama," Estelle replies, and that's it— Percy's blubbering.

It'll never undo the damage, but it's about time she got a chance to heal and thrive.

-here in our bed, chapter 7, ~6200 words

#wip wednesday #yes I know don't look at me like that #i wrote this #sally jackson #paul blofis #estelle blofis #family fic #oh lord the cheese

17 notes · View notes

silvershewolf247 · 4 years

Note

Honestly it seems like some fans have trouble seem outside of Malcolm's pov, which is understandable given he is the show's protagonist and very sympathetic one at that. That being said regardless of how well intended Malcolm was he did make Ainsley doubt her own sense of reality and was projecting by assuming she wouldn't want to know or couldn't handle knowing. Yes the way Ainsley went about making that point was completely messed up but she did have a point to make.

Okay first things first, sorry it took me so long to get to this, I had a lot of thoughts to put together before I responded because I need to talk about Ainsley.

I’ll start with the fact that I seem to emphasize with Ainsley more than a lot of people. Maybe it’s because I am the youngest sibling, with older brothers. Maybe it’s because I have “easier mental illnesses” like OCD and ADHD in comparison to others. Maybe it’s the fact that one of my older brothers has much more severe mental health issues and I’ve been reminded how lucky I am in comparison to him and others. Maybe it’s because my mother has been my best friend since I was a teenager. Or maybe it’s because I try to be someone else's emotional support while neglecting my own mental health until I eventually snap. Maybe it’s the fact that supportive figures in my childhood have turned out to be less than ideal as of late. Bottom line, Ainsley is someone I care a lot about, and I need to talk about what is going on with her. And why she isn’t evil or abusive.

Let’s start out by debunking one argument. That being Ainsley’s lack of remorse over what she has done. Now this argument bothers me for a few reasons. Firstly, because Nicholas Endicott was a monster who deserved what he got and everyone on the show acknowledges that. Like Jessica and Malcolm do not morally disagree with killing him, Malcolm says flat out that he deserves to die. He’s just scared of being like his father and scared of losing his friends, this is an important distinction between him and Ainsley that I will get into. Secondly, we don’t see Ainsley’s initial reaction aside from her nearly crying in Malcolm’s flashback. According to Halston, she found out at some point around episode 4. Martin might have told her during their visit, she might have figured it out reading his journal, it could have been the nightmare she tells her mother about. We don’t know, we just know that by this point she has dealt with it.

Going back to Malcolm’s fear of losing his friends. Malcolm’s guilt is from having to lie to his found family at the precinct. That is what makes him feel awful. This is something Ainsley does not have. She does not have any found family to lose. Malcolm has to keep lying, Ainsley doesn’t have to. Obviously it eats her up less. Speaking of Ainsley’s support system, or lack thereof, let’s go through it. Starting up, Jessica, mother of the year, diminishes her daughter's career, blatantly insults her, emotionally neglects her for twenty years and snaps at her whenever she expresses her problems, undermines her issues, this only changes after she murders a man. Next we have Martin Whitly, out of her life for twenty years, literal serial killer, and yet somehow the most emotionally supportive member of her family. Then there’s John Watkins, Mr. Boots, childhood bestie, possible paternal figure, child groomer, who ultimately tries to murder her in favor of her brother. Gil Arroyo, Malcolm’s adopted dad who seems to find her incredibly annoying and only talks with her when somethings wrong. That leaves us with Malcolm, emotionally broken older brother and the only person Ainsley feels she can trust. Yeah, that’s destroyed. Malcolm shattered that trust with his actions. Malcolm is afraid of losing everything, Ainsley already did.

Now we’re up to Ainsley’s actions in this episode. No they weren’t gaslighting. Malcolm was not forced to question his own sanity or memories due to her actions, he was just scared of her and for her. She just lied to him, an incredibly shitty lie that horrified him, but it was just that, a lie. He also wasn’t breaking down due to it, he was scared for his sister, but he honestly seemed pretty kept together throughout the episode until the end. At which point his frustration seems to stem more from the situation he’s in and what he’s “had” to do for her. Now I fully admit that what Ainsley did was shitty. But it doesn’t make her toxic. If it does, then Malcolm is as well because he does the exact same to the people he investigates. Was it abusive, maybe, but so’s gaslighting your sister, slapping your son, and punching your friend. But these aren’t patterns of behavior, they’re one time things that happened during highly stressful and emotional situations. Speaking of which.

Yes, Malcolm did gaslight her. Gaslighting is a technique used by a lot of awful people, Malcolm doing it does not make him awful, but he lied to his sister about her memories and perception of the world and it made her emotionally spiral for months. In comparison, Ainsley let this go on for maybe two or three days, a week at most. I’d also be remiss if I didn’t mention that Ainsley gave Malcolm several opportunities to tell the truth. He had the entirety of Bad Manners and Head Case, during both of which she gives him reasons to come out with it and tries to get him to do it. She was trying to make him prove that she could still trust him, he failed to do that until he got a concussion and Ainsley decided to make sure that he never did it again.

Now Ainsley did something horrible, I fully admit that. That being said, don’t act like Malcolm would have just listened if she told him not to lie to her again. She’s already told him and her mother to stop shielding her. Now there were definitely better ways to do this. Or if she was going to scare him, scaring him and then telling him the truth the next minute, hour, morning, which would still be bad, but less so. But Malcolm is someone who learns a lot better by experiencing than listening. She was trying to show him what consequences his actions could have had. Scaring him straight. She took it way too far, but the motive was understandable.

Finally I want to dispute this idea that Ainsley is being ungrateful towards Malcolm. Firstly, she thanks him profusely in the first episode of the season. Secondly, she didn’t ask him to do this for her, and the show fully implies he might have screwed them both over by doing this instead of immediately going to the police and claiming self defense. Finally, Ainsley killing Endicott has been thanked by no one. Remember how he was going to have Malcolm sent to prison and only by getting rid of him was Malcolm able to get the DNA evidence properly refuted. One could argue Ainsley took a great risk and saved him too. Ainsley saved Malcolm from prison just as much as Malcolm saved Ainsley.

Look Ainsley is flawed, I wouldn’t love her if she wasn’t. But let’s not act like she’s crossed the moral event horizon with this. Or that she did this completely unprovoked and everything she said towards Malcolm was invalid. Both of them are broken and in pain and I hope by the end of this they can grow even closer than before.

#prodigal son spoilers #ainsley whitly #malcolm bright #prodigal son

22 notes · View notes

somedayonbroadway · 4 years

Note

snyder finding out race has adhd,,,,

I am assuming this is for the “Papa Snyder” fic so of course!

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Please enjoy!

TW: Abuse

ADHD.

Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder. That’s what had Snyder pissed off this time. Something that had been no one’s fault. Something that Jack’s little boy couldn’t control.

Jack remembered vividly when he’d been younger and been put on medication to help him focus. He hated the stuff. Everything slowed down right along with his mind and he didn’t like it. It was like he wasn’t allowed to be himself because of a chemical difference in his brain. Teachers were always irritated with him, no one understood him and his stepfather absolutely loathed him.

To say Jack was worried was an understatement. He was downright terrified. Tyler James already toed the line with The Spider and the old man now knew that more of Jack had been passed down to that child than they’d originally thought. Maybe the kid had gotten his looks from his mother, but that didn’t mean that Jack’s personality and qualities wouldn’t shine through. That was what scared him above all else. If Snyder had hated Jack enough to nearly kill him on more than one occasion, he didn’t want to find out what would happen if the child grew to be more and more like him.

The young man was only watching, a lump forming in his throat as he knew he wasn’t supposed to speak. His son looked so sad. He knew how the boy felt. He’d spent the first few years with Snyder seeking approval and love and respect. There was no doubt in his mind that his little boy wanted the same thing. It hurt to think about.

Snyder was pacing between them, looking as frustrated as ever. They’d only just gotten back from the pediatrician.

The six year old’s legs swung without his knowledge, his inability to sit still driving Snyder even further into his state of anger and resentment. As much as Jack knew he shouldn’t speak up, he did, not willing to watch this any longer. “Do you need somethin’, sir?” Every word was spoken slowly with a hint of sarcasm behind it. It was rare Jack didn’t speak to his former stepfather like that. They both knew that Jack wouldn’t be here unless he had to be.

Snyder always made sure he had to be.

Turning to glare at him, Snyder paused in his pace. Jack half expected him to throw a punch right then and there. But Snyder shook his head. “Don’t get smug with me, Kelly,” he warned, though Jack didn’t know what else the man could do at this point. The man had taken his son as his own and had taken Jack himself as a servant who he could soak and degrade whenever his black heart desired.

It was clear to Jack that Snyder was holding himself back. Why, Jack didn’t know, but he was grateful. He knew they’d made a deal. They reminded each other of it constantly. In exchange for Race’s education, medical care and health, Jack would work for him on the condition that the old man never laid a harmful hand on him.

If Will so much as pinched that little boy, Jack would have means to leave. And Snyder knew he would do it.

Jack may never understand why his stepfather had done this. It had been easy to trick him when he was a sixteen year old baby daddy with no money and no job, but now Jack knew better. If he could go back and change it all, he would. But he couldn’t do that. Snyder had the control. It’s all Snyder ever wanted.

So Jack waited patiently for The Spider to get a grip and communicate his thoughts. It must’ve been hard for him, with his pride, close mindedness and overall stubbornness. Eventually, though, the man sighed. “You can go out and get the prescribed medication in the morning, Kelly. If it doesn’t work, you will be responsible for finding something that does.”

Though the words were spoken with a cold undertone, Jack couldn’t help but be relieved at them. When he’d stopped taking his own medication, the old man had taken to smacking him around to try and fix him. That was not an option here. And while Snyder was clearly disappointed at that, Jack could only smile and nod. “Yessir.”

A sniffle from behind Will made them both pause. Jack's smile disappeared in a second. Snyder sighed and ran a hand over his face as if he was tired of taking care of the little boy day in and day out when Jack knew that the man had never done squat to raise that little boy. All he had was money. Money didn’t raise children. “Tyler James, boys don’t cry,” The Spider scolded slowly, crossing his arms over his chest and waiting for the child to stop the tears.

Jack had to clench his jaw to keep from stepping out of line. He ground his teeth together hard.

The little boy scrubbed at his face with his sleeves and looked up at the man with red cheeks. “I’m sorry, Papà,” he whimpered, only making himself cry more. “I-I can do betta’—“

“Better, Tyler. Better,” Snyder corrected immediately.

“I’m sorry…” the boy said, his gaze trailing down to his lap. A sort of hopelessness settled on the poor baby boy’s shoulders as he seemed to realize there wasn’t much he could do to make Snyder happy. The man he believed to be his father.

Taking a chance, Jack glanced sideways at Will before taking a few steps closer to his son. He saw Snyder reach to pull him away, but Jack shrugged him off, placing a calming hand on his boy’s knee. “Hey, angel,” he called lightly, reaching with his free hand to cup the boy’s face when the child tried to look away. “Kiddo, what’s wrong?”

With a small sob, the six year old looked up at him with a quivering lip, looking so scared all of the sudden. “What’s wrong with me?” he asked.

Snyder groaned, as though he’d heard the question a thousand times before. It occurred to Jack that Tyler might have asked it once on their way home and Snyder had more than likely not given him a helpful or constructive answer. “Tyler, we’ve gone over this. You have a disorder—“

“There is nothing wrong with you, Tyler James,” Jack countered as soon as the words began leaving the old man’s lips. He turned to glare at the man who only scowled at him before Jack turned back to his kid, moving his hand to run it through the boy’s hair. “You are a perfect little boy and you didn’t do nothin’ wrong.” The child leaned into his touch, seeming to crave it, like he never got enough.

“B-but the doctor said—“ the child began, only to be cut off by Jack shushing him.

“Racer-kid, do you know what a diagnosis is?” Jack asked.

The boy nodded after a moment of thought. “Y-yeah. But I ain’t—“ the boy cut himself off and glanced up at Will who was watching him carefully, giving him a silent warning. “I-I’m not sick…” he corrected, looking up at Jack again who offered him a small smile.

“No, bud, you’re not,” Jack agreed. He pointed to his baby’s forehead. “Your brain just works a little differently than everyone else’s. That’s all.”

“Oh for God’s sake…” Snyder sighed behind them. “I’m going to get a drink,” he announced before walking out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

Jack flinched but shook it off, moving to sit beside his son as Race crawled into his lap. He pet the boy’s hair and pressed a kiss to his head, knowing he’d be getting hell for this later, especially after Snyder got a few drinks in him. He didn’t care. The way Tyler melted into him made it all worth it. “Jackie… what’s ADHD stand for?”

A smile melted onto Jack’s face before he looked around for a pad of paper and a pencil. He set the thing down on Tyler’s lap as he wrote four words down, speaking them aloud as he did. “Attention Deficit/ Hyperactivity Disorder,” he said, letting Race’s blue eyes study each word individually. “It means a lot of different things, baby… it’s different for everybody,” he explained gently.

Tyler James snuggled into him, taking the pencil and paper from his hands and letting out a small breath, “Can you teach me ‘bout it?”

It was impossible how much this boy constantly made Jack want to cry. With terror. With longing. With sadness. With grief.

With joy. With pride. With belonging. With purpose.

“Of course I can teach you, my little angel…”

His baby did his best to hang on his every word, looking up at him with such trust and adoration that Jack could hardly handle it.

Sometimes he could hardly believe this boy was his own.

He only wished he could spill his deepest secret.

Only twelve years to go.

48 notes · View notes

misrihalek · 3 years

Text

This is for one person in particular. Well, maybe two people.

...I wasn’t good for you, was I?

You found me at a pretty low point of my life, I’ve said that before. I was trying to do what the world told me, trying to be a good little boy, get that job, earn my place in the world and...I failed. I was lying on a bed in a house in the suburbs, flatmates fighting in the ungodly hours of the morning, desperately trying to escape from the world. That was how you found me and for some reason you saw something worth a damn.

And then I proceeded to bleed you dry. I didn’t know how to get myself out of my hole and so I just started dragging you down with me, using you as just another means of escape and demanding so much of you...far too much. How many times did you lament that your love wasn’t enough to help me stand on my own two feet? How many times did you think that you were inferior because of it? Did I make you hate yourself because of my failures?

That’s not to say that it was all bad: we wouldn’t have lasted as long as we did if we didn’t click on some level, after all. The talks we had, the things we shared between us...it would be disrespectful to say that they meant nothing: maybe their value to us makes this whole thing worse in retrospect, who knows. What I do know is that, even if only ashes remain now, you were the best friend I ever had: you were kind, funny and passionate and your presence in this world stood in defiance of the forces that sought to bring you low. You fought for your right to exist, so maybe it makes sense that you waited for so long for me to do the same. I’m sorry I let you down.

That’s the crux of the matter, isn’t it: why didn’t I leave that hole that I found myself in? I can blame outside forces (and I often did), but the fact of the matter is that I just didn’t know how. I didn’t know how to be the person that the world demanded of me and no-one seemed to be able to tell me, so somewhere along the way I just grew comfortable in that wretched hole, at home in my misery. I started pantomiming my own life, living as if death would never come and not really living in the process, and it was this awful piece of theatre that you ended up being an unwilling part of: despairing about the future that I couldn’t see and slowly wearing yourself away. I imagine the tipping point came after those three weeks together ended and you saw how little things had changed.

Those three weeks...before long it will have been two years since that trip to see you and it’s...weird to think about. I know that time has lost a bit of its meaning since then, but even then it’s hard to believe that it was really that long ago. I still remember the elevator up to your apartment, walking to the tramlines and going to that one tea shop - and you bet your ass I remember that hike uphill to the castle. The emotions have faded over time, but I have no qualms in saying that those were quite literally the best days of my life: I know that the word “literally” has kinda lost its meaning in this day and age, but I can confidently say that no experience before or since has compared. So why didn’t it change anything? Why did I go right back into my hole when I got back?

I don’t think either of us knew at the time, but come a few months later it didn’t matter all that much anyway. You found someone else and left and, now that I look back, I really can’t blame you for trying to find a less bleak fate than what was in store for you. I remember you saying to me how scared you were of a future where you had to support the both of us: why wouldn’t you be? I had demonstrated no ability to be a functioning human being and I would have inevitably become a burden...well, more of a burden. What kind of future is that, for either of us? And so you left to find a brighter one.

It was ugly and painful and I have no doubt that it still hurts you, just like it does me. For a decent amount of time I was blinded by my own pain and I said things that I can no longer stand by in good conscience: I blamed you for how things had gone and eventually cut you out of my life so I could best deal with my wrenching sorrow. To some degree that action has proved successful: being able to live without having reminders of my failures at the forefront of my mind has let me claw back pieces of myself and move forward with my life, even if it has taken some time. I cannot however defend the reasons why I did it though, born as they were from an inability to reflect on my own deficiencies.

It turns out that there might’ve been a reason for that inability, actually. You remember me talking about my Asperger’s Syndrome diagnosis? It was something that I got told about as I was growing up and it was basically conveyed to me as a low-strength form of autism, something fairly surmountable in comparison to the more traditional forms. Last year though, I found media that suggested that Asperger’s Syndrome was a less-than-credible condition from a doctor that quite literally collaborated with Nazis and further research revealed that the term was no longer in official use. I talked to my mother about this and she casually dropped into conversation that I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

ADHD! So many goddamn things clicked into place once she said that and I imagine that the same might be happening for you right now. No wonder I had so much difficulty functioning in that job, how infuriating it was to focus on things, how I would sally forth into different trains of thought mid-conversation. My mother’s general mistrust of the medical system also meant that I’d been dealing with these things all my life without any sort of medication, the usual way that other people with ADHD make themselves co-operate with the strictures of society. No wonder things went to fucking pieces the moment I stepped into the real world.

I’ve had to do some serious thinking since then, not least of all about my future. I tried to keep on the jobsearching grind for a while after that bombshell dropped, but after months of no luck I snapped and decided to take an alternate route, one that I couldn’t consider while we were together. Since then I’ve moved away from home and I’m studying to maybe one day be a social worker: to one day have the tools to help people like me, people stuck in their own holes and unable to get out without the helping hand of someone who understands what they’re going though. No doubt you’d say that you’re happy for me and I don’t doubt that statement: you’re a better person that I was and even through all this you’ve wished no ill towards me. You’re a good person like that.

These days I’m doing decently okay: I’m living with 3 flatmates who I get along with pretty well and my studies are progressing as they should. I’m trying to write a bit more as well, although about the only thing I’ve done lately of any tangibility has been...well, this. Even with the progress I’ve made, what happened between us still bobs to the surface from time to time and I have to process things all over again: it gets easier as time marches onwards, but that doesn’t mean that it’s easy. That probably explains why I reacted so violently to the message you sent me, among other things.

What I said there was true: I can’t face you while things are the way they are. I’m not strong enough to watch you be happy with someone else, because it’s a reminder that I can no longer elicit that same joy from you: a reminder that our time has passed because of my failures. It’s knowledge that hollows me out from the inside. I tried to be strong - tried to ignore that hollowing out and remain friends - and failed over and over, coming close enough to nothingness to feel it encroaching on my soul, so now I put up my walls to protect it.

I need to be okay. And I can’t do that with you around. It’s an awful thing to say and you don’t deserve it, but it’s the truth. Once more you suffer for my deficiencies as a human being.

I’m sorry that I couldn’t be the person that you needed: I guess the deck was kinda stacked against us from the beginning, considering what I didn’t know about myself and, y’know, the whole long-distance thing, so don’t go thinking that any of this was your fault. You remain one of the best people I have ever met and I am eternally grateful for the time we shared together: do not doubt that you are worthy of love, even in your lowest moments. You’re a damn good human being and you deserve to have good things happen to you, better things than me.

I imagine you’re expecting me to say this, but oh well: I’d prefer it if you don’t send me a response to what I have written here. Beyond just safeguarding my own wellbeing, I’ve been meaning to write this for a long time now and what you see is pretty much every single thing that I can conceivably say in regards to all that has transpired between us. I don’t really have anything else to say and after this I will hopefully not think about this so much anymore and get on with my life. I would implore you to do the same.

I wish you all the best.

...

...there’s a small piece of me that doubles back on what I’ve written here, seeing if it can instill its will within the paragraphs wherein it can wend its way to you. It’s the piece of me that still loves you, that holds out hope that I may one day see you again and that we can rediscover what was lost. It tells me to leave my heart open to the opportunity, to hope against hope that things change. This last paragraph is my concession to it in the vain hope that it’ll finally fucking shut up.

#...

2 notes · View notes

braindeadskeletons · 4 years

Note

I'd like to request a matchup of you don't mind! I dunno what to put down so I'm gonna ramble and call it good,, I'm 5'2 [and a half. I'm adamant about that half] and have adhd + severe anxiety! I tend to ramble a lot! I do have haphephobia, which means I hate being touched.i get violent when its not on my own terms or with people I trust. I'm very protective of people I love! I really like stars and bonfires! I'm my friend groups therapist,which I don't mind.I love reading and naps, Thank you!

I saw that you didn't mind two posts being used for the match up- I thought I'd give you more to work with! I have a kitten called sweetpea who's a RAT but she gets away with it! I have a ton of books,everywhere,I'm running out of space. I seem mature when alone but with friends I can and will hop from a giant pipe to a higher up one just to prove I can,scratches or not.I've put a small lightbulb in my mouth and broke it on accident, I felt like this was important to include

Hello! May I just say that I absolutely adore the utter chaos of a human being you are?? Like hello?? You accidentally broke a lightbulb in your mouth?? I appreciate greatly that you told me this but also please explain?? Why was it in your mouth?? How did it break?? Did you just?? Chew?? And didnt expect it to break?? You just had it in your mouth and when it broke you had glass in your mouth looking like: :0

please I'm begging you for a story time wether its dm or on here through submissions/asks for all of us to see and behold

aLSO PLEASE I I DON'T KNOW SWEETPEA BUT TELL THE RAT CAT I LOVE HER THANK YOU

Okay now onto the actual matchup I'm sorry I rambled you literally just left me with so much to think about. These questions will haunt me. I want you to know that. This matchup is a fever dream and I mean that in the best way possible.

I match you with Underswap Sans!

No doubt in my mind that this is your guy. This is a cursed couple. You both frighten people immensely and for you two that is a mission well done. You genuinely bring out both the best and the worst in Sans. On one hand, he has never been happier with anyone! On the other hand, Papyrus suspects that the reason as to why Sans was missing in the ball pit for 72 hours then later retrieved with 24 stolen items in hand was your doing. How did you play a role in this? He doesn't know yet but he'll figure it out.

You think that Sans is innocent? A bouncing blue baby boy man? No. Well yeah, but also no. He seems like a very happy skeleton who just wants to help others, and yeah that's still accurate; but he's also a literal troll. You both can relate to each other due to how people see you as mature at first, which isn't incorrect i'm assuming but you're also capable of utter chaos. Nobody suspects him to do half the chaotic shit he does. He will be the cause of Armageddon. This man single handedly causes the world to end. Normally Papyrus is the one to keep him from doing something chaotic but with you here now? Now it's just utter chaos. If you do something stupid just to prove that you can, Sans is not too far behind to prove that he can also do it but better. Genuinely the worst part of all of this is how Sans has his own motorcycle he rides and he can take you wherever you need to go. Want to go into some obscure area people fear to cause chaos? Sans will drive you no questions asked. He does have some limits however, for example y'know, he'd be immensely concerned if someone broke a lightbulb in their mouth.

----------

You: hehehe

You: hey sans look

Sans: HM?

You: [shoves lightbulb in mouth]

Sans: :0

You, voice muffled: isn't this cool?

[insert shattered lightbulb noises]

You: :0

Sans: OH FUCK

Sans: HUMAN ARE YOU OKAY

You: :00

----------

Whether or not at the end you're shocked about how Sans cursed or you're still in shock about the glass in your mouth is up for interpretation.

Honestly most of the stuff you two do together are your ideas. Sans just really wants to impress you and show you how magnificent he is! So please, of course you two can have fun, but don't completely rot this skeleton's mind. Not that Papyrus would allow that anyways. You both are essentially the Sans protection squad, and you're both very protective and would die for Sans before he got hurt, but Papyrus is the more responsible one out of the two members of the squad. Depending on how you view Papyrus, that can be seen as concerning.

Okay let's actually get serious for a moment here since I got carried away. That's my bad lol. When it comes to physical touch, Sans would typically all for it! However the moment you inform him that you have haphephobia he initially doesn't understand what that is. Once he does the research and understands it'd be totally alright with him! He respects your boundaries and wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable. Sometimes you'll have to remind him since when he's happy his immediate instinct is to hold the person closest to him, but a light reminder is enough to get him to back off again. If you ever want to try and overcome your phobia, he'll be right there. If not, that's okay with him too! He's here to support you no matter what.

It's important to mention that I personally headcanon that this version of Sans also has ADHD. Sooo in terms of usefulness, he's very sorry, but he isn't going to be of much help since he has a lot of the same habits you do. He can offer you some of his fidget toys if you'd like them though, and some pointers as to how he handles having it! Papyrus has gotten him plenty once he was officially diagnosed by Undyne and he's very happy to share! Sometimes both of your conditions lead to hilarious conversations and rambling since you both have that habit. Or just no conversation. Sometimes the two of you will be mid conversation and you both just kinda.

Forget.

You both forget what you were talking about.

In quiet acknowledgment you both just decide to move on to something else and not dwell on it.

However with anxiety, Sans is willing to do anything he can to help you! Would you like something to distract you? Soothing words? He knows that you typically don't like touch, but would it help in this situation? Would you like him to breathe with you? He's trying his best to help you in any way possible and he's there to listen if you need him.

Speaking of listening to each other, Sans appreciates the fact that you listen to people so much. He loves his brother very much but being treated like a child is frustrating, you know? Sans is an adult just like his brother and he has his own worries and problems. He won't like it if you try to treat him like a kid, so please refrain from doing that if you could. He'd greatly appreciate that.

Most of your date nights take place in your own home! Once Sans learned that you had a cat he was immediately determined to become besties with your cat. I'd personally like to imagine that your cat, for whatever reason she might have, doesn't feel the same way. If he ever cat sits it goes a little like this:

----------

You: hey Sans, I'm home! How was sweetpe-

Sans, covered in scratches: SHE WAS GREAT

Sweetpea: >:)

You:

You: o h ?

Sweetpea: >:))

Sans: I FEEL LIKE WE REALLY BONDED TONIGHT

----------

Yeah, it isn't great. But Sans hasn't given up just yet!

For dates Sans tends to take you out to places such as bookstores (a popular location for you two), the movies, restaurants, the park, and then end the night at his place! Alternatively, Sans would love to set up bonfires and a night of stargazing with you! If you'd like him to he could invite a handful of his friends and yours to share the night together with. If not, he's more than happy to sit with you and gaze at the stars as he lists all of the reasons in his head of why he loves you so damn much. These are the moments he loves the most with you. Just spending time together, no one else there to disturb you two and the beauty of the stars above.

#i am 100% serious about the storytime #please i need to know #also i know nothing about sweetpea but i'd die for her #please let her know that #I had a lot of fun writing this!#sorry if it's overly chaotic I just got carried away as always lmao #Underswap #Underswap x reader #x reader #reader #matchup #Undertale Matchup #underswap sans #underswap sans x reader

60 notes · View notes

cjwallflower · 4 years

Text

Marvel Gender Headcanons

because i doubt some of these people are cis

Peter:

i claim this man for the trans community

he realised he was trans at around present time (15-16 years old)

he knows his family and friends will accept him

he’s still N E R V O U S

but he still wants to be true to his identity

so he wears the trans flag colours!!

Ned obvs catches on, but doesn’t say anything

Tony’s the first one Peter comes out to, bc i’m soft and irondad owns my heart

Tony gets him a spider suit with a binder built in

Peter is absolutely the kind of trans guy who forgets to take off his binder (i’m not projecting what do you mean)

he comes out to his aunt May next, and she breaks out the scissors

the other eventually figure it out, and they accept him immediately

Peter: Hey Clint?

Clint: Yo

Peter: I’m trans

Clint: *takes a gulp of his soda* wig

Peter: ???

they love him though let’s be real

Natasha Punches A Transphobe

someone calls Peter a tr*nny

Natasha sends them on a one way trip to space :)

Peter absolutely decides to go on T

and he is a handsome!! boy!!

he eventually tells Ned and MJ, and they accept him too

Ned buys him a trans flag

NED BUYS HIM A TRANS FLAG

by the time they’re graduating high school, Peter passes as cis very well

Tony:

i’m claiming Tony as trans too

i promise there’s other gender identities here jdsfhkhsdfkjh

Tony came out in the 80s of all times

we know Howard

it didn’t go over well

Maria didn’t say much about it, but Howard was actively against it

Tony didn’t care at all

he literally snuck out and got a fake ID so he could start on T

Tony was almost 18 at that point, but he still used Howard’s money

just to piss him off

well Howard ended up dying like 3 years later

Maria survived because fuck you

but Tony never ended up getting any surgeries because he ended up getting busy with the company

he just didn’t have time, with all the recovery that goes into it

he’s still on T though!!

mans has tiddies and a beard, the boomers get confused

he tends to keep it more private though

Pepper knows, how could she not?

Pepper is the sole reason Tony survived to adulthood lbr

Peter found out accidentally

Tony got oil on a shirt while fixing one of his machines, and Peter walked in while he had it off

he saw the binder and boyyy was that a surprise

but it totally explained how Tony already knew so much about supporting Peter in his transition

the problem with being an ADHD workaholic??

hyperfocusing

when Tony hyperfocuses, he forgets to take off his binder

Jarvis: Sir, you need to take off your binder

Tony: Gimme like five more minutes, I need to finish this

Jarvis: Sir, it’s been 38 hours??

Tony: *already moving onto the next task* What’s your point?

his ribs are so fucked

Pepper and Peter remind him too

my boy is a mess

Thor:

this is solely because my nb loml claimed thor as nb and it’s super fucking valid

i love you babe 🥺

so Thor learned about different genders from Loki

and also from Peter tbh

but Thor LOVED the idea of being in between

it just made him really happy!!

he started using those labels a lot, even though he didn’t know much about what they meant

being on Earth more, he started to learn more about them

mostly because they replaced cops at pride (Peter’s idea)

so Thor decided to learn more

he knew he liked boys, that wasn’t uncommon on Asgard

gender expression was very open, but that blurred the lines a lot for him

when he got to non-binary, it clicked

“oh that sounds like me”

“THATS ME”

he was excited he’d figured it out

his immediate instinct?

he went to tell Loki

the only problem was Loki was asleep

“LOKI LOKI LOKI-”

“what do you wANT-”

“I’M NON-LIBRARY!!”

“WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN-”

it took like ten minutes for Loki to figure out what he meant

Loki was tired give him a break

he just kinda pushed Thor’s face away and went back to sleep

they talked about it again in the morning

after Loki got some coffee he was more receptive

“I accept you, just please stop waking me up at 2 am”

Thor’s just trying his best

he doesn’t know how to be non-binary though

(there is no right way to be enby though)

so Loki tried a few example sentences using they/them pronouns

Thor LOVED it

so now Thor wanted to use they/them pronouns

Loki isn’t a brain cell by any means

but he sure feels like one sometimes

and he’s tired of it

ANYWAYS

Thor announced it to everyone they saw

some people heard it multiple times

“GUYS I’M NON-BINARY!! :D”

they were happy for their thude

and Thor wore an enby flag to their first pride!!

now the protector of the lesbians says non-library rights

Loki:

Loki basically always knew he was genderfluid

it just seemed really obvious to him?

he realised he wasn’t cis when he was 7

he transformed into a girl for fun

and she was like “oh i like this-”

so she experimented with that

and she fucking loved all of them

so she turned back into a boy and went to Frigga

that’s how he found out about the word genderfluid

so he basically just grew up shapeshifting as much as he wanted

when they eventually went to earth, Loki couldn’t shapeshift as much

after he was redeemed, he still needed to be recognisable so they wouldn’t think he was to pull a fast one on them

he was uncomfy

Loki stays in his room a lot

he just really doesn’t wanna deal with it

he still shapeshifts in private!

Thor ends up being the one to catch on

but he kinda knows that Loki won’t talk to him

so he sends in the spider child!

Loki and Peter have a pretty close bond

so on one of the nights they hang out, it’s a she/her day

and Loki just kinda snapped and went on a bit of a rant

and she ended up coming out to Peter

Loki totally didn’t end up crying what do you mean

she just needs a hug

obvs Peter was accepting

he gave her that hug don’t worry

this was all on a rooftop eating bad street food jhshkfhjfkhkd

he did ask if he could tell the others, and Loki reluctantly agreed

yeah, the others felt kinda bad

so they ended up compromising!!

Loki could shapeshift, but not into other people

and she could wear whatever she wanted

they also gave her bracelets so she could express her pronouns

its a long road

and it takes a long time to build trust

but Loki really does appreciate Thor and Peter’s efforts

Bucky:

trans enby rights. send tweet

let’s jump back to 1930s

Bucky was transitioning before the war

he had the surgeries and was on T

Steve was the only one who really knew

it was right when HRT was starting to become a thing

he was one of the first people to try it

and it worked pretty well!

Bucky passed easily after ~2 years on T

but then he died

RIP Bucky :(

when he comes back as a Hydra agent, they use T supplements to make his body stronger

“Jokes on you, I like that shit”

yeah no the others end up rescuing him from there

but Bucky still takes T

everyone is a bit worried about it

they think he’s still under Hydra’s control

Steve has to explain it (with Bucky’s permission)

but Bucky really starts feeling a disconnect with being a male

it’s mostly due to the trauma from Hydra

he knows he’s not a girl anymore

but he hates the idea of being a boy now

so he has no idea what he is

he ends up drawing the parallel between himself and Thor

but Bucky still sees some masculinity in Thor, which confuses him a LOT

Bucky’s always confused lbr

so he ends up finding the term Agender

and he understands it!! and likes it!!

he’s too nervous to tell the others, so he writes sentences using they/them pronouns

“Their name is Bucky Barnes”

“Bucky is tired, they need a nap”

“Bucky’s best friend is Steve. They’ve known Steve since the beginning”

Bucky is WAY happier with they/them pronouns

the problem is they don’t know how to communicate that

even to Steve, they’re just nervous

Steve ends up finding the paper, which now has over 100 sentences

so the next time they’re alone, Steve brings it up, and after a little bit of avoiding answering, Bucky tells him about it

Steve is super accepting 🥺

“Do you want me to tell the others for you?”

“Yes please, I have no idea what I’m doing-”

“I don’t think any of us do”

so Steve lets the others know, and they start using they/them pronouns

Bucky’s IMMEDIATELY so much happier

i just think they’re neat-

MJ:

MJ isn’t cis, fuck you

MJ is a demigirl

and no one even figured it out for the longest time

she kinda groups herself on the more non-binary side

Peter finds out because someone calls her by they/them pronouns

“MJ?? Are you?? Non-binary??”

“Nope”

“Are you still a girl??”

“Nope”

after like 20 mins Peter figures it out

and boy is he confused

“Why didn’t you just say it?”

“I couldn’t. Gotta keep ‘em on their toes”

“Who??”

“:)”

the M in MJ stands for mystery

anyways!!

she switches from lesbian to the term Trixic (NBLW)

MJ goes to pride with Peter and Ned that year

MJ gets a girlfriend there!!

she comes out to her girlfriend upfront. she doesn’t feel like waiting

yeah she gets intense

she gets it from her moms

who can blame her

MJ sometimes wears a binder

she wore one on the first day of school, because Peter was nervous about being out (he’d come out over the summer)

MJ will punch transphobes and homophobes

even just for fun tbh

but she won’t do it immediately

she heard someone make a comment about Ned and his boyfriend and waited a few days

and then came out of nowhere

B O N K

the douchebag kinda knew why though

in conclusion, MJ is elite

12 notes · View notes

hufflepirate · 4 years

Text

It’s ADHD hours bay-beeeee. Anyway, a storm woke me up after the meds that keep me non-fidgety enough to sleep had worn off so now I’m up at ass o’clock writing Crown of Candy fanfic even though I still haven’t actually decided if I ship Theo and Lapin. I do want them to cuddle though.

*****

“Sir Theobald, scoot over!”

Theo woke up to Princess Jet shaking his shoulder, and opened his eyes to find both twins staring at him. A quick flash of light lit them from behind, and then the thunder behind it rattled the room, shaking the whole floor.

He sat up, scrubbing his eyes. “What?”

“Scoot over!” Jet repeated, as if that was an explanation.

“Princess, you’re adults.”

“That’s not what you said when we played that prank on Lord Finnegan yesterday.”

“Yeah,” Ruby said, “You called us children.”

He groaned. Another clap of thunder rumbled through the room, loud and close enough that he could feel it in his chest, his heart getting caught up in it.

The princesses flinched, which was deeply unexpected and just as deeply wearying.

“Why don’t you go climb in with your father?”

Ruby snorted. “And make him think we’re babies?”

“But I can think you’re babies?”

“You already think we’re babies,” Jet said, “And anyway if you tell Daddy, we’ll say you’re making it up.”

He knew two things for certain. One was that if this came up in conversation, Amethar would believe him. The other was that Amethar would take the princesses’ side anyway.

He scooted over.

“He knows you’re like this,” he said grumpily, as the twins piled into the bed beside him, “I had to come pick you up from your father’s room for your lessons after that storm last month.”

“Yeah, but that was before our birthday,” Ruby said, as if that meant anything.

The beds in the inn were large, and the twins curled up together as tightly as they had when they were toddlers, but he still had to stay right at the edge of his bed not to bump against them, and he couldn’t fall asleep, even as their breaths slowed and evened into soft half-snores.

He sighed and slipped sideways over the edge, getting to his feet. He could go sleep in the princesses’ room, but then whoever looked for them would find him instead. He could go sleep down on the bottom floor of the inn, but then anyone could stumble on him.

He snuck out his own door and closed it quietly behind him, looking down the hallway in both directions and then at the door across from him.

He squeezed his eyes shut tightly, nodding to himself. By the Bulb, he hated this.

He stepped up to the door across the hall and hesitated for a moment before knocking. Then he did it anyway.

It took several knocks to get an answer, and he was about to give up and go sleep downstairs anyway when he heard a rustle on the other side of the door.

Chancellor Lapin opened the door in a long, white nightshirt, gazing bleary-eyed at him. “What’s wrong?” he asked, his voice rough with sleep.

He sighed again. “I can’t go into it. I need somewhere to sleep. Can I come in?”

“Do you not have your own room? How have you managed to ruin your own room in half a night?”

Lapin’s sarcasm wasn’t as biting as usual, his voice too tired to manage his usual venom.

“Look, can I crash on your floor or not? I’m no happier about this than you.”

Lapin sighed, scrubbing his hand over his face. “Yes, come in.” He sounded exasperated, and Theo was glad he hadn’t brought up the princesses. They never helped with that feeling.

Lapin held the door open for him, and Theo walked inside, realizing only after the rabbit had closed the door that he didn’t have anything to make up a bed with.

“Oh wait,” he said, “Blankets. Let me just-” he gestured at the door.

Lapin sighed heavily, still between him and the door. “You can’t sleep on the floor. We need you at your best on the road. And keeping the princesses from trouble. Ruby’s still not looking over her shoulder enough with her magic.”

“Oh,” Theo said, unsure of what to do with himself.

Lapin walked around to the far side of the bed, crawling in under the covers and turning his back on the empty side of the bed.

Yeah. Alright. He reminded himself that half a bed was still better than a third of a bed, not to mention how much less trouble he was likely to find himself in if rumors about it left the inn.

He climbed into the other side of the bed and turned his back on the rabbit. The thunder rumbled outside, growing softer and softer as the storm moved on. Theo drifted off, eventually managing to get his mind away from where he was and calm himself down.

The next time he woke up, there was a warm weight against his back and warm breath puffing against the nape of his neck, and for a moment he froze up, startled. There was an arm around him, a long, skinny arm made of chocolate, and he realized Lapin was spooning him.

Huh.

His first instinct was to wriggle out of Lapin’s grasp and pretend it had never happened, but it was still dark outside the tiny window, and he still had nowhere to go. Maybe he’d better just stay awake and wait it out, wriggle out just before Lapin woke up to be embarrassed, but stay hidden here until then.

All of a sudden, Lapin’s arms tightened around him, and the chancellor made a soft, distressed whine in his ear. Theo’s eyebrows contracted. Was Lapin dreaming? What about?

Another whine. Lapin’s hand clenched in the front of Theo’s nightshirt, and Theo felt Lapin press his face against the back of his neck, like he was trying to hide.

Theo felt tense. This was - something. Something was wrong, and he had no idea what to do about it. At home, he wouldn’t be unduly concerned about Lapin’s nightmares, but ever since they’d crossed the border - he laid a hand gently over Lapin’s, careful not to wake him.

It was different out here, different being away from Candia and knowing they were the last, closest things between the royal family and the world. The girls were endlessly frustrating, here as much as at home, but here, the edges of the world outside them were sharper, the dangers nearer.

Ruby’s still not looking over her shoulder enough.

It was true, but as he remembered Lapin saying it, what struck him was the roughness in the man’s voice, the raggedness that he was beginning to think might not just have been because he’d been woken unexpectedly.

Lapin whined again a third time, a little soft noise in the back of his throat, and Theo shifted slightly, carefully. Lapin didn’t wake. He rearranged just enough to be able to lay his forearm over Lapin’s entirely, covering it and hoping the contact would be calming.

Lapin had taken the credit for Ruby’s magic - and perhaps the blame - and Theo didn’t doubt he’d do it again if he had to. He was infuriating, stuffy and arrogant, and mean on top of it. But he was and had always been faithful to the family, and to the girls, even after all the things they’d put him through, even more than they’d done to Theo, because at least some of Theo’s lessons could be held outside.

Theo sighed, and squeezed the back of Lapin’s hand gently with his own, and the man sighed softly against the back of his neck, a calmer sound.

Yeah. Alright.

Lapin’s fingers relaxed under his, his sleeping form relaxing against Theo’s back and slumping even more heavily against him.

All of this was beyond him. He didn’t like Lapin. He’d never liked Lapin, but here he was, feeling himself calm down and grow sleepy in the faint relief of knowing Lapin was sleeping better.

He had nowhere to go, nowhere safer or better to be, and he doubted it would be worth it to try to go back to his own room and evict the girls now that the storm was gone.

He closed his eyes and went back to sleep.

#dimension 20 #crown of candy #dimension 20 crown of candy #dimension 20 coc #theobald gumbar #lapin cadbury #theobald #lapin #cuddles #emotional hurt/comfort #a little bit #the girls are afraid of storms for 2 reasons #well maybe 3 #1) cute 2) convenient 3) nonsense enough that u know emily and siobhan would love hamming it up #anyway i love every character including the terrible rabbit man #platonic bed sharing

89 notes · View notes