#( i genuinely think about it constantly . it’s so sad like he’s already so fucking depressing WHY MAKE HIM SADDER !! )

[kokoronohiroi]

another day thinking about okuyasu talking about how lonely he’ll be when reimi leaves … why did they do that to him …

[thosewildcharms]

Just broke my own heart thinking about Rick being absent for Lori’s pregnancy with Judith since he was, understandably, emotionally checked out AND being completely absent with Michonne’s for RJ and how he missed welcoming them both into the world, plus not seeing them grow up as he said, for a man that only cares about his family he must carry so much guilt over that or feel cursed… also thought about Michonne probably being extremely anxious when RJ turned the age Andre was when he died and she had no one to talk to about it. Thinking about her having to deal with it all while being a grieving single mother of 2 leading a community also made me sad. lol I know they’re both resilient fighters but damn all of that is so heavy! I’m so happy they’re all back together now and can start some healing

ANON BESTIE WHAT THE FUCK?

well okay sure. let's be depressing for a bit but then we should go back to grimes family headcanons okay?

it's honestly so tragic that rick was not able to see the birth of the child he wanted so badly, that he didn't even know RJ existed for almost a decade. the length of that time jump is honestly so evil - like yes, on one level it heightens the intensity of their bond, the way that they never even considered anyone else over all those years and stayed completely in love throughout that absence and distance. but god, it's just a really fucking long time. it's devastating!

it's also why I love that scene in the towl finale where rick expresses how angry he is about it, how just for a minute he lets himself say out loud that he just wants to be selfish for once and say fuck it let's go home, because he doesn't want to miss any more time than he already has. i also love the way andy played the reunion with judith and rj: the quiet grief in his face because he's mourning the time lost even while they're right in front of him, maybe even more so. like, of course he was distraught over how much he missed. this man held a shard of glass to his neck when he truly thought he could never see his family again (which i think we moved on from a bit too quickly tbh). his love for his family is his motivation for everything. keeping him away from them is the worst thing you could do to him, which is btw is why i'm not mad okafor is dead.

as for michonne. well my god anon did you have to go there with that andre/rj thing? i mean, yes you're absolutely right and you're completely brilliant but jfc that hurt. i honestly can't even think about those six years michonne spent grieving rick and raising their kids and protecting that community and getting that scar and everything else without getting upset. i genuinely hate it so much. i'm also constantly thinking about the scene where she finds evidence that rick is alive, the specific way her face contorts as she holds that phone like she's scared to even dare to hope, even though she never fully believed he was gone in the first place. we already saw how much she was struggling but that scene makes me want to set myself on fire. it's all just so fucking sad.

so yes. they better be left alone to heal in peace forever no more Situations no more near death experiences no more wars or fascist megalomaniacs with armies to overthrow. they've done enough!

[maxphilippa]

max having thoughts about lucy and how the fandom treated her. this also goes alongside with the way people treated rex

just generally it comes iffy to me how people downgrade lucy's character to her stereotype and don't understand that tlm is based around deconstructing said stereotypes and that people are much more complex than you think and trying to put them on a black or white perspective completely misses the point

and how they either don't recognize that her behaviours towards emmet weren't the best, or they do but completely take it only to the extreme

this also applies to rex's character although leaning more on the second one, since he is the antagonist per say

what troubles me the most i think is that i think that both rex and lucy are really good at deconstructing the stereotypes/main ideas they're based on and people demonizing or not focussing on it sucks ass.

like with lucy they genuinely do forget the implications of her genuinely being happy pre-wyldstyle until everything went down and how the guilt is eating her alive since something she created with so much love caused so much pain at the same time. like the reason as to why she's like that for almost all of the two movies is because the pain and guilt is still there with her and it fucking sucks. it gets worse on the second movie because she does genuinely think that they're on danger and meanwhile she genuinely wants to protect emmet, she also forgot that they're a team and that proper communication is the key. that's why her arc goes around growth and opening her heart again. she took the wyldstyle persona so she wouldn't be hurt again anymore, and possibly so people don't view her as weak.

so that's why her losing her hair dye means so much to her actually growing. she can't keep hiding herself any longer and she has to accept that hey, maybe, she has to be more versatile on her point of view. that things can still change. just like emmet said. she genuinely cares about her friends and didn't take the best decisions because of that but that is okay ultimately. she is not perfect but like that's the thing. she doesn't have to be. the second movie allowed her to grow and to heal.

which is also a parallel with rex.

but we do know already that people constantly treat rex as a monster just for having terrible mental health and shitty copying mechanisms when like. depression does that to you. being isolated does that to you. thinking that your friends left you behind does that to you. and like that is super messed up actually. people more than often don't get that the reasons as to why rex got to that extreme was because he genuinely didn't want emmet to be hurt the same way he was on the past. he cares about emmet. he is so hurt by seeing lucy but he doesn't hate her. he is a mess of emotions and thoughts and the way people demonized his struggles with mental health is genuinely fucked up.

because. yeah. rex DID shitty stuff. but he had very fair reasons. he was badly hurt and left behind. he thought that his friends left him just like that. he thought that they never cared. hell, his whole persona is an copying mechanism because he didn't want to be hurt again.

he was emmet once. and people forget that always. he is not abusive nor is he a terrible person nor is he completely innocent he's hurt and tired and angry and sad and misses his friends. and lucy isn't cold hearted or uncaring or one dimensional,hell, even if we go by the hints of her band, you can even argue that she's going through survivor's guilt.

what i'm saying is that the tlm fandom doesn't understand that mental health can be awful and shitty and that it won't get better unless said people who are going through it have a support system or are trying themselves and that struggling and making bad decisions, especially with good intentions, doesn't make you a bad person.

hell the whole theme of the movie is about CHANGE and GROWTH. rex and lucy ALSO had those. but anyway what do i know i barely remember anything of the movies as of now but as someone who kind of is going through the same thing. having a character portrayed as abusive for having terrible mental health and making bad choices that DID HAVE GOOD INTENTIONS MIND YOU is terrible and i genuinely hope people get that at one point. like hell rex didn't even. fucking want to hurt emmet. sure he lied but that's because he thought it was for the best. same goes for lucy.

tldr: shut up about your twink (benny) and actually start focussing on rex and lucy on the proper way

[vole-mon-amour]

Things I find super sad about canon: On top of Johnny being super depressed, constantly wasted bc of that depression and not seeing any light in life around him (except for maybe the idea of blowing up Arasaka), Kerry threatening to leave the band unless Jonny continues fucking him is an absolute cherry on top. And not only fucking, but also demanding more and more—bc to my understanding it all started with a crush, then a kiss, then with "If you don't have sex with me, I'm leaving." It was mentally exhausting for both of them, but mostly for Johnny. I find that incredibly toxic and shitty (and the more I think about it, the more I wonder if I even should accept it as canon).

On the other hand, I find "I'd do Kerry" almost... uplifting? That Johnny is already in a different mental state. He's healed a bit. He thinks more clearly and he can genuinely reflect on his life, his choices, and his desires. So the idea of Johnny fucking Kerry back in the day, but then getting a second chance in life and genuinely falling for Kerry more than ever and wanting to continue that here and now, with no bullshit and threatening? Being there for him if Kerry wants him to?

In my headcanon, Johnny absolutely does get his own body back. It would be way less complicated for everyone: Rogue (if Johnny wants to go there—even if for a brief moment), Kerry (he can decide whether he likes V, or Johnny, or both at the same time, and what he wants from either/both of them at this stage in life—especially his album and his personal struggles considered), V themselves bc really, letting Johnny having full control over the body and then drowning it with booze, smoke, fucking tons of different people is stressful just because (especially when you don't smoke). Plus, again, V being their own person is so much easier not only for Kerry but for V as well. Does V want Kerry? Does V want Johnny? Does V want both or neither? Does Kerry?

Plus, I think if Kerry x V romance is present, after V gives their body to Johnny, it might be too hard for Kerry to have any kind of relationship with Johnny in V's body. Not impossible, obviously a lot of angst there (and i had my ideas after just finishing the game, maybe I'll get back to that) and tons of explanation, talk, and despair. Maybe grieving together and slowly getting used to that. But at the same time, if Kerry is very emotionally involved and kind of getting over Johnny after such a long time, it might be just too much for Kerry.

So many thoughts and questions on this. So many possibilities.

UPD: Apparently, I'm mistaken? It was Johnny using Kerry? Gonna replay the game soon, so we'll see.

[softandcutewhynot]

things i wrote at 15(ish) that are just textbook compulsory heterosexuality

When I say I like someone, do i really mean it? Everytime I’m exausted or depressed I tend to find myself a reason to keep going. Today’s reason is a poor fucker who’s only fault is being kinda cute and treating me kindly. In my head I have this distort picture of being a couple. If i’ll have a boyfriend everything will finally go right in my life! I could vent, he could comfort me, we could have fun and do all those things couples do. I don’t even know if i would like being in a relationship.. it looks like a full time job. We’ll have to go on dates, text for every stupid thing, and i don’t have time to fit a boyfriend in my schedule (especially a long distance one)

I think i was barely out of middle school when i wrote this.. you go girl get it I guess

So really, it was never about him as much as what he represents -the male gender maybe, maybe society, maybe just an imaginary hierarchy I made up-, and even then it was not really about that as much as my incredible need for approval to be someone I always had all the rights but never the courage to be.

Conclusion about me not giving two fucks abou the guy I liked for one year getting together with another girl. In highschool

Or maybe I never liked him in the first place. Quite the plot twist if you ask me, finding out that it was yet another boy I relied in hope to be fixed, making the amount of real people I genuinely liked up to zero if we don't count all my confused feelings for girls I am way too much comfortable with, you can hug her without fear of judgment while your two pair of boobs press together and she slaps your butt and you, touch starved piece of shit, are wondering how much time you can squeeze out of this soft creature before it's annoying/creepy/inappropriate.

The closet is literally made of glass. Also highschool.

I prayed that time. I prayed every night to be saved from my own sadness. I prayed that someone would save me by falling in love with me and showing me I was not worthless. Boy after boy I obsessed with them, their presence constantly on my delusional mind, because if there was a hope, even a small one that I could have one ally I was sure to be on my side and tell me that I am beautiful and the most wonderful thing ever happened to him then you could have been sure I would have gripped that hope with my claws and teeth. God never gave me a boyfriend.

Recalling my lonliness in middleschool where I picked and chose boys to obsess over.

I wonder if it's wrong that my dream is to slay men with a flip of my tangled, unkept hair when I pass near them. I wonder if this need of being the cause of a boner it's my desire to win the system at its own game or me being already part of the game and losing. I wonder what it feels like, to be so beautiful people want to fuck you. Do you feel powerful? Or do you feel like a piece of meat waiting to be beaten?

Just trying to understand why I so desperately needed to bee seen as something attractive to men, and asking myself if that would have made me happy since I grew up fat and ugly and thus i never had such experience

[chronicbloodynoses]

honestly mbikmb is actually me rn

the drum - i feel such a depressive cycle everyday and im not getting fucked up bc i cant w my situation but if i could i prob would b!

happy news 4 sadness - my ex lied 2 me constantly + my perception of love is actually so fked up after him and i constantly tried 2 change myself and use sexual stuff for him 2 love me (he treated me like shit and then convinced me i wanted too much from him)

sunburned shirts - honestly i see this as a nostalgia where it ends up not being what you remember, he used 2 look at the sun and he thought of it fondly, but it hurt more than he remembered

stoop kid - its me! im stoop kid! ive been so conditioned to my mother's baby-ing and when i try to be independent im not allowed and then i get yelled at for never helping out and im terrified to leave bc shes constantly saying that i'll fail completely on my own! also in my later "growing up" yrs i watched hey arnold LOL

something soon - i feel so strongly abt this song. trying to do things to keep from losing it + cutting off my hopes bcuz i feel incapable, i feel like the only way i'll ever b seen is to cause problems! break shit! my mother talked a whole bunch of shit about my dad so now i'll never ever see him the same despite him never actually doing anything to me! i both fear and hate him and miss him and wish i had a dad!!!!! treating what im going through as the past to keep myself from focusing on my problems so i dont kms!!!! wanting to hurt myself to have some reason to be upset!!!! wanting to express my emotions but never being able to!!!! if i cant feel better soon then im actually gonna lose my shit GENUINELY! i am completely unable to tell my mother anything bc either it has to do w her and she can do no wrong or its my fault how i feel! (fun fact- i got yelled at in eighth grade 4 listening to help let me go danny gonzalez bc of the kidnapping a girl part and my music is "too dark" LOL (she threatened to send me to a mental hospital on the same car ride to school)) this town is freezing cold!!! i need out!!!!!!! im not allowed to do laundry and my mom barely does it and acts like if i literally have no underwear then its the hardest thing in the world and i have to wait til bc shes constantly too tired (girl i just wore my last pair and im NOT wearing the ones with holes in them) wanting to be somethig more and never feeling content. ignoring my problems w content and procrastinating to complete guilt, i want to leave n sneak out (i literally could ive snuck someone in multiple times b4 LOL), if i dont romanticize what im going through i'll ACTUALLY fucking lose it (im already inching toward a breaking point xP) i hate this house!!!! ive grown up in the same butt fuck nowhere town in the same horrible traumatic house!!!!!!! i need!!!!!!!! to escape!!!!!! so bad!!!!!

guys we're halfway through the album LOL

no passion - this song is actually so depressed dancing 4 me but i honestly dont really listen 2 this one much n think abt the lyrics so no comment VERY EXTREMELY sorry for no passion fans i WILL think of u and listne 2 it more

father, flesh in rags - i love/hate this song honestly, like it kinda reminds me of my ex (scoliosis! his relationship w his dad was a big problem of our relationship!) thats all u get it kinda hurts LOL not in a way of missing him but i get really upset thinking abt all the shit i put up w and forgot abt bc of my SEVERE case of rose coloured glasses

strangers - im actually wanting to create are 4 this song LOL anyway this song is less specific 4 me (honestly i burnt out from something soon LOL) but i too am not gonna last much longer! im sofa king sick of it!!!! all of it!!!!!!

lawns - its okay will my dad left too <3

pow - fun fact my great grandpa was a prisoner of war! he was taken while he was in a plane over russia and there he learned the language in his 3 years there n idk if he escaped or was let go but hes honestly such a cool guy like! love him but he died when i was really young so i didnt get much of a relationship w him but if i was a great grandparent i'd be really happy 2 meet my great grand kid so im really happy i got to meet him

open-mouthed boy - i too call god a SHIT and then scamper off

ne way im so obsessed w car seat even if i dont have much to say and im just saying a bunch of nothing burgers i have so much appreciation for everything car seat headrest has done even w the songs i dont like (im looking at you hymn and famous) i know somewhere other people like them n are also so affected by car wseat and its just like wowzerz! love this band sofa king much! cant wait to see them live in june!!!!!

[goremet-chef]

trying to control my emotions is so difficult man, like i can be honest with myself and lay out the whole truth, but that little voice inside me will always be like "okay, but what if we dont know the whole truth? what if something happened we dont know about and our fear is completely warranted?"

its sad because its not like.. the 'little voice' isnt an alter or something, its just ME. i bring myself so much misery, i feel so ashamed. i cant believe im our host. i bring all of us down, and im not even being dramatic or anything, i genuinely do. im selfish, and my method of coping with reality is to LEAVE it, when someone else fronts im biting my lip waiting to crawl back into front and take me out of here. i stop our social alters from even ATTEMPTING to be social because im too scared of the consequences (even if its just part of life, it rips my soul apart to be rejected, im so tired of being seen as weird)

its honestly kind of impressive, but despite all this fear that ties me down to the floor, i cant i CAN NOT ask if somethings wrong

i cant do it, because thats admitting defeat. thats me saying 'yeah ill be honest im sure nothing has happened on your end, but ive been drowning myself in anxiety and i need validation that my fear is for nothing like how you probably think it is'

i cant keep doing that. i hate being such a piece of work!!!! its never simple with me, everythings always fine until it literally isnt. ive convinced myself my friends, my closest bestest best besties, ALL hate me and ive been so depressed only for them to act completely normal and then i realize oh actually they dont and i was sad for nothing :] okay!

like. i just.

the last time i was ever open about how i was feeling, was when i was in contact with my groomer. i loved him i think, and i felt like i should be open with him, because he was my FP and the amount of crying i did every day was so pathetic

that was when i learned i had bpd and thats why i acted the way i did, and so i tried to be more open about it because i heard that i should and it would be good for my relationships, but all it did was make him tired with me, tired that i was constantly scared and asking if he still liked me

that was a bad time for me, i cant ignore that. being in constant contact with him was basically just giving me trauma every single day. my system was SO active trying to manage the stress, it was bad. i cant just blame myself for how i was acting, because it was a terrible horrible situation that i dont wish on anyone else, but man i wish i did things different

but like?? its like no matter the option i pick, its still the same!!! different outcome but shitty nonetheless

do i open up and tell the people i love that oh actually im really scared and im constantly afraid you dont love me anymore? or do i just. sit with the pain.

if i tell them, best case they tell me 'no dom, we still love you' and thats that, worst case they get annoyed with me, they see me as too much to handle, they pity me because something is clearly wrong with me

if i dont, then i do exactly what i do now, which is just wallowing in self hate and loneliness for 3 whole days, waiting for something thats not gonna happen because i havent fucking COMMUNICATED that i want it

i think technically, being open is the way to go. if i hadnt been stuck in such a shitty situation with a person like BRIAN then i wouldve probably seen better outcome. im open that i have BPD, so people should be aware what theyre getting into. if they stay despite knowing, they care about me, i know this is true. a lot of people book it once they hear you have any sort of cluster-b personality disorder because they immediately assume yr some kind of abuser, so this already is a good thing that i have people open enough to not immediately classify me as one and run

i just get scared like. what if i ask if somethings wrong and something IS wrong?? what if its my fault? id be so ashamed in myself. i dont have enough experience in human interaction to know how to fully like. handle that situation, the unknown outcome is what scares me the most

[sillydreampuppy]

TW: sui, ED

Lately I feel like there is no outlet for all my shitty thoughts so I decided to dump them on here - please, don't read this if you know it can do you harm.

-

It all started the day my dad crashed his car, right, that's what I've been constantly thinking about these days. But I also keep getting other thoughts, that maybe it all started way earlier, when I wasn't born yet, that I was just meant to be like this from the start.

""""Your dad had PTSD, explains why you're not normal"""" says my brain, every now and then. And I don't know what to think about it. I am fed up with my life and how I feel every day. I am too much for everyone, because they can't take all the dirt and shit accumulated inside of me and I know it. So I just decided to not tell them anything. It always ends up being the same way anyway - they end up feeling suffocated by my problems and start resenting me. Well, I'll play my part, I no longer wish to "hurt" anyone. What can I do though, when this is just the real me? The real me is ugly, and the real me is toxicity. I am a big pile of dark matter that I no longer am able to see through. Not that I ever was.

Every day I try to stand up to the ED voice in my head (I'll call him Ed from now on) - I try and I try and I can eat but I still feel like I am just deluding myself that anything is changing. Ed is a fucking menace and he doesn't want to let me go, I am all he's got. He wants me to die. And sadly I also want me to die. But being in the same place with Ed is probably even worse than living every day wondering if I'll live in the end or not.

When I was 14, I became suicidal and depressed for the first time and that's when I also first lived through a year of derealization. Thing effed me up so bad I was scared of even thinking about it. Now I have been living in this dull, sad, liminal space full of headaches and tense muscles for about ??? how long? I don't remember. Lately I feel as if my brain is a soup.

I don't know if there is genuinely anything I want - all I've ever wanted are things I've been conditioned to want ever since I could comprehend human speech. I have no idea who I am or what I would genuinely want as there has never been a room for finding that out. Lately I also think maybe it's best to not fixate on anything, have no definite goals, as I don't know how long I'll live - maybe I will get over this and be able to have something other than a life that's just hanging on by a thread every day, but maybe I won't make it to 22 or to 23. I can't tell. The one thing I know is that if things really get very very bad and I feel like there is no way I can fix this anymore, I'll end my life.

I have this fantasy that if I die, I'll meet my dad again, after all those long years, and he'll probably tell me something along the lines of "what the heck did you do??" but at least we will be together in some place beyond human comprehension, at peace.

I desperately try to make myself better so I can live the life I'm supposed to, but I can't, due to how shitty I feel every day. Isn't this already a sign of failure?

There is still some time for me to wait and see if anything will change for the better - I am not *that* old, but this also won't last forever. You can't have the comfort of a big part of your life still remaining forever. One day I won't feel like I'm not *that* old. And then? Oh, I don't know. I'd rather not think about it.

[willowandthesagaofgayyearning]

My thoughts on Endeavour ep. 3

I really love how Bright is just short and uptight and constantly a little pissed off. Like a big (hah) mood

Why do i feel like Morse is gonna royally fuck something up just bcuz of that monologue

Why is Jakes so pissy all the time are u jealous or sth????

Love how much sass Morse has up his sleeve it’s probably all the self hate and trauma or sth it’s not like i do the same…

Oh god there’s a missile

This family business seems like a dumpster fire and i feel it in my soul

Love how Bright is bragging about meeting the queen and the thing going off without a hitch and then morse sorta smugly just drops ”there’s been a murder🙃”

Bright is way too pissed about it like yeah someone died but take a breath man ik you like solid plans but chiiiillll

Damn Morse really just likes to rub his brains under Bright’s nose

Ok w h y is that worker meeting with the arab prince?? Some important person i forget but why

Morse should just stop talking to women it’s so awkward

Love how Jakes being like get u a girl *hint hint* and Morse is just so confused like that shit never occured to him love that little queer disaster

I feel like Jakes has potential to be a character i like but for now he’s just a bitch for no reason

This annoyed German scientist is a wholeass mood tho

Strange is such a good friend i love him actually

Ugh i hate this beaurocratic arms factory i genuinely couldn’t care less about your business or your disfunctional ass family

Fuck anyone who touched Brenda fuck you

I don’t even know Brenda but SA at work is not ok my brosky

SA anywhere isn’t ok for that matter

Love how nosey Morse is and the fact that it actually helps his investigations

”The union is always threatening action” good, fuck capitalism, unionize

Bright deserves a break too, he’s so responsible and works hard even if he can be a bit of a stickler

But still i want everything for him to be good

I never noticed Morse’s adorable sideburns before but i am now in love with them 🥰

He also looks like a weird mix of David Tennant and Colin Morgan

Also love the subtle ramping up of Morse’s alcoholism, you can just see him having drinks more often than the previous episodes

This post is getting way too long already

You know i really hate that mother, her energy is just so foul… but maybe it’s just my mommy issues speaking.. she reminds me of my mother waaayyy too much

God Morse is just way too awkward around people from his past

Love how Morse’s type is just someone with questionable character and a tragic backstory

That horse is so pretty i’m genuinely so jealous

Ooo damn she’s got some claws i think she’s the only one of the family i don’t despise

Poor Bright, he’s under way too much pressure

Also can i just point out i love how this show frames Morse always slightly to the side and separated to really emphasise how he doesn’t fit in or at least feels he doesn’t

Love the responsible work force manager that stopped the production immediately when there was an accident, still hate the board tho fuck em.

”You deserve more”

”Doubt that”

WHAT’S THAT MORSE?? I CAN’T HEAR YOUR DEPRESSION OVER YOUR SELF-HATE

Damn Thursday’s German is flawless

Also His history shining through the writing so effortlessly like give me that yummy yummy tragic background

Bright please lower your voice my ears can’t take it this late at night 😭

Morse please i beg of you, sort your shit out. This isn’t about anything specific just a general statement about him

God damn these powerful people and covering up the shit they create

There is criminally little interactions between Morse and Strange this episode

Morse literally just got told to sort his shit out before getting in a relationship like that’s what i said too

And he went to the pictures on his own which is just a tiny bit sad but why waste a ticket eh?

Oooo the plot thickens

Awww is Bright warming up to Morse

Then he can have two dads who constantly worry about him

He probably would need at least 3 tho

[hangovercurse]

If You Ever Leave Me Again

After a conversation with his new girlfriend, Colson realizes he never truly lost feelings for you.

Request: “Can you make an Mgk imagine where he leaves the reader for Megan? But then him and Megan both realize they don't work? So, Megan tries to help him get back with the reader.”

Colson Baker X Reader

Warnings: Cursing

A/N: I don’t have a ton of experience writing Megan so I’m sorry if anything is out of character

Word Count: 2467

masterlist

Standing in the crowded club was the last thing you wanted to be doing at the moment. Your friend had convinced you to go out, “you can’t keep moping around. You’ve gotta get out again.” So, you let her pull you off your couch, dress you up, and drag you to the nearest club.

There were worse ways to be spending your night, sure, but you weren’t into the shitty music, the smell of beer and vomit, or the sweat drenched bodies of the men around you. And you certainly were not into watching your ex-boyfriend make out with his new girlfriend.

You hadn’t noticed them when you first walked in, too preoccupied by the drinks being shoved down your throat by your friends. But when you saw the blond hair you so adored, you couldn’t look away.

His voice rang clearly through your head as you remembered the last conversation you’d had with him. It was late one evening, his voice muffled over the phone as you tried to hide the tears from your voice. You’d known something was going on, he’d gotten distant lately, but you weren’t expecting this.

“I didn’t mean for this to happen. But I really think I’m in love with her.”

He swore that nothing had happened between them yet, but he couldn’t keep things up with you knowing how he felt about her.

But you’d known the minute he left that you would never get him back. She was Megan fucking Fox for god’s sake. She was gorgeous and kind and talented and everything you felt that you weren’t. There was no competition, she had already won.

It felt like fate was trying to rub their happiness in your face. The first night you go out in the few weeks since your breakup, since you’d gotten your heart absolutely shattered, and he’s at the same club with her.

You were in the process of convincing yourself to look away from the pair when his head turned ever so slightly, bright blue eyes meeting yours. He looked caught at first, guilty of a crime that hadn’t been committed. But then he relaxed, sending you a smile.

You tried to return it but couldn’t muster anything more than a small lift of the corners of your mouth. You looked away, eyes scanning the crowd for someone you knew, anyone else. When you turned back to look in his direction, you caught the pair in a deep, heated kiss. The sight made your stomach drop, tears forming in your eyes. You pushed your way through the crowd, making your way to the exit. You had seen enough.

 A few months later, Colson and Megan were arguing constantly. They’d been angry at each other more than they’d been happy for the past while. Colson couldn’t quite figure out what had triggered it, but suddenly everything started to feel wrong with Megan. When he wrote songs, he found himself writing about his memories of you.

Megan could put the pieces together easily; Colson hadn’t been the same since that night in the club. He was trying, she’d give him that, but she knew he still harbored feelings for you, even if he wouldn’t admit it. She heard the songs he was writing but the romantic memories weren’t hers; they were of you. But she still held out hope that he’d get over it.

But after overhearing one of his songs while he was playing the demo for Rook over the phone, she knew she’d never truly be his. The song was beautiful, describing a relationship that was pure gold, one that outmatched any other relationship. As much as she wanted the song to be for her, she couldn’t convince herself.

“I think you need to break up with me.” She told him one day after he’d gotten back from the studio.  She sat on the edge of his bed as he walked into the room from the bathroom.

He gave her a look of confusion, leaning on the doorway. “What are you talking about?”

She looked down, letting out a sigh. “We’ve been trying to pretend that this is working for months now, but it’s getting old.” Colson moved closer to her, kneeling down in front of her and reaching to hold her hands, which she moved away. “You can’t love me when you still love her.”

Colson looked shocked; he was genuinely confused as to what she was talking about. “Still love who? Y/N? We’ve been done for months now. I don’t-“ He cut himself off, truthfully not able to say that he didn’t love you out loud.

Megan looked up at him, a sad smile on her face. “You do. Even if you don’t realize it, I can see it. You still love her, and I don’t think you can stop.”

Colson grew frustrated, wondering where this was coming from, “Megan. I want you.�� His voice was firm.

She shook her head, “Wanting someone and loving someone aren’t the same thing.”

Colson scoffed, standing up and running a hand through his hair. “Then I love you. Okay? Not her. I told you, me and Y/N are done, its over.”

Megan laughed sadly, still seated on the bed. Colson noticed the bag sitting behind her, filled with the things she’d started keeping at his house. “You don’t love me. Maybe you want to, but it’s not something you can force. And it’s okay. Truthfully, I don’t think we’re as right for each other as we thought we were.”

The man looked at her sadly, “I don’t still love her. I can’t still love her.”

“Colson, it’s okay. I’m not upset and I can’t hold this against you.” She reached out instinctively to rub his arm but pulled it away swiftly before her skin made contact. “But I know you still love her. I can hear her in your songs, in the way you act.”

“I don’t write songs about her, Megan. I write songs about you.”

The woman chuckled, “no, you don’t. Not really.” She paused, taking a deep breath, “we haven’t been the same, Colson. Not for a while. Not since you saw her at the club that night.”

Colson moved closer to her, trying once again to grasp her hands but to no avail. “I can’t love her. I love you. I have to love you.” He paused, eyebrows furrowing, “because if I love her than I’ll just be alone.”

Megan tilted her head, “if you really love her, you should get her back. And if she really loves you, she’ll take you back.” Colson shook his head, sitting down on the bed beside her.

“Please don’t leave me.” He begged her, staring into her eyes.

She smiled softly up at him, “go get her back. You’ll thank me later.” She grabbed her bag and stood up, making her way towards the bedroom door.

“She won’t take me back.” He called to her, sadness in his voice and a tinge of guilt.

“Make her.” Megan called, before leaving the house forever.

 Later that same day, you got a knock on your front door. You were in the midst of cooking dinner, ingredients lining your counters as you prepared to create the perfect tacos. When you reached the door your eyebrows furrowed, finding Megan on the other side. You hadn’t spoken to her much, at the few events where you had run into Colson. Truthfully, you had no idea how she’d gotten your address or why she’d shown up at your door.

Nevertheless, you put on the best smile you could muster, “Megan, hi! What’s up?” You opened the door and motioned for her to come inside, never one to be inhospitable.

She stepped inside a bit awkwardly, taking a deep breath. “I was hoping we could talk about Colson.” Your heart stopped in your chest. You and he had only just gotten back into the routine of being distant friends, and you hoped she didn’t think you were trying to steal him back.

You nodded, walking further into your house, and leading her into the living room. She continued, following your lead as you took a seat on the couch. “I realize this seems strange coming from me, but I think he’s still in love with you.”

Her words rang in your ears, mind going blank. “He-he can’t. He doesn’t still- He’s with you.” You spoke, your voice faltering with every word.

She shook her head, “he wanted to be with me, but he never really stopped loving you. I don’t think he even knew it until I told him.”

You rolled her words around in your head, trying to find a response. “You know I would never… pursue him,” you struggled with the words in your mouth, “not while he’s with you.”

She let out a small laugh, “don’t worry about that. I ended things between us. He’s all yours now.”

You stuttered a reply, “I don’t- he doesn’t.” You took a breath, “he left me. For  you. He doesn’t want me; he’ll never want me if he can have you.”

“And he’ll never be in love with me as long as he’s in love with you.” She responded, eye catching your own in a strong, affirmative gaze.

“Why aren’t you angry? If I found out the guy I was with was in love with another women- well, when I found out the guy I was with was in love with another woman- I was furious and depressed. I barely left my apartment for weeks. But you’re here, trying to fix our broken relationship?”

She smiled, hand reaching out to lay on top of your own. “I thought Colson and I were made for each other, but I was wrong. We both were. And I feel horrible about the way he ended things with you, because I was the reason he did it. So, if I can fix this, it would make me feel a lot better.”

You sighed, sending her a smile. “Thank you.” You spoke softly, almost whispering.

She nodded, standing up to leave. “You’re welcome. Just promise me one thing.” You hummed in response, “make sure he’s happy.”

“I will.” You replied, watching as the woman you’d despised for the past 4 months walked out of your door.

 You’d never gotten back to your tacos, instead sitting on your couch for the next hour, flipping your phone in your hands and trying to decide whether you should text him or not.

Your decision was made for you when a text sent vibrations through your phone. His name read out on your screen with the message Are you home?

You responded hastily, your heart beating faster at the realization of what might happen. Yes.

I’m coming over.

There were a few possible outcomes of tonight. One, he comes over and confesses he’s still in love with you, or two, he comes over and screams at you for making Megan leave him. You prepared yourself for either situation, trying to keep from shaking in anticipation, both excitement and nerves.

He didn’t even knock when he arrived, walking through your door and straight into your living room where you sat. The moment his eyes found you, the air left his lungs. He’d spent the last few hours trying to sort through everything Megan had said, and he’d come upon one realization; that she was right.

“I’m still in love with you.” He blurted out, never one for subtlety.

You took in a sharp breath, eyes meeting his. “I’m still in love with you.” You repeated his words back to him, a nervous expression on your face.

He nodded, taking a seat on the couch next to you, turning so he was facing you. “I made a mistake choosing Megan. I’ve only ever loved you and I was an idiot for leaving you.”

You bit your lip, nodding slowly, “yeah, you were.”

“I’ve been writing these songs about you and I’ve been thinking about you constantly. And Megan and I haven’t been doing so great and I kept trying to figure out why, but then Megan figured it out before me.”

“And she told you that you’re still in love with me because you’re too much of an idiot to figure it out yourself.” You said to him, a knowing smile on your face.

He chuckled, “in nicer language, but yes.”

“Yeah, I know. She came over an hour ago and told me that you broke up.” You said, looking down at your phone. “I’ve been trying to figure out what to do for the past hour until you texted.”

“She came here?” He asked, eyebrows knit in confusion.

You nodded, “yep. I can see why you liked her so much, she’d very in tune with emotions.” You laughed at your own half-joke, holding some truth behind it.

“I never loved her like I love you. I think I thought I did, or I tried to, but she’s not you, and she’s never gonna be you.” He spoke, bringing a shy smile to your lips. “And after everything I’ve done, I know I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve to even be here right now.” He said, looking down at his hands.

You reached out, grasping his large hands in your own, making him look back up to meet your eyes, trying to read your expression. “Would you take me back if I asked?” He moved closer to you, leg rubbing against your own.

"That depends,” you whispered, head leaning in slightly.

He matched your movements, lips ghosting over yours, “on what?”

You smirked, “you gotta ask to find out.”

He let out a chuckle through his nose, the air hitting your face. “Y/N Y/L/N, would you fall in love with me again?”

You leaned in, connecting your lips. You missed the feeling his lips gave you, like electricity running through your veins. His hands held your waist gingerly, afraid if he grabbed you too harshly you would pull away.

Your lips moved together slowly, beautifully. Even when you pulled away there was a sense of grace in the actions. “On one condition,” you whispered, “if you ever leave me again, you’re never coming back.”

He nodded, pressing another kiss to your lips, one hand moving to cup your jaw. When he pulled away, he rested his forehead on yours, thumb rubbing circles on your cheek. “Trust me, I’m not stupid enough to make that mistake twice.”

You hummed, pressing a quick kiss to his lips. “I was gonna make tacos if you want to stay.”

He chuckled, pressing a peck to your lips before tackling you into the couch, arms around your waist. “I’d love that.” You laid in his arms, basking in the feeling you hadn’t felt in so long.

[blush-and-books]

i’m sorry, but i fell in love tonight

short fic based off of this gifset by @juliesmolinas and the song is there somewhere by halsey. in fact it is mandatory that you listen to the song/read the lyrics/both before/during reading this. yes i said mandatory.

angst with a sappy ending, julie goes through a lifetime of emotions in less than 3k, was originally gonna write when i was in a more emotionally raw state but writing this made me emotionally raw so... enjoy <3

warnings: swearing

Julie made the promise at some point -- she just doesn’t know exactly when.

It may have been when he appeared at her school, all shy smiles and soft glances, professing that she made him a better writer. Or, more definitively, it could have been when she forlornly pulled him into her arms a moment before she was positive that she was to lose him forever. 

All that she knew was her time with Luke was fleeting. So she swore that her butterfly-wing crush was not allowed to fill her chest or dizzy her thoughts; that his lyrics would mean nothing more next to hers than words on a page and his touches would bring her little to no comfort.

Luke Patterson could not complete her. 

The universe wouldn’t allow it -- and neither would Julie Molina. 

But -- either Luke was blissfully unaware of their impending doom or he genuinely didn’t care -- he forced himself through every barrier she attempted to erect. And it was driving her nearly insane, because she made a promise to protect herself. 

Maybe she wasn’t strong enough to do it. Or maybe the universe, despite refusing to give Julie Luke in his entirety, did not want her to be protected. 

It was all in the little things-

When she stayed up with him in the garage, playing him all of the songs he’s missed in 25 years, and he danced around on the slippery floor in his socks and grinned at her with wide green eyes. The neon emerald in the dim light was reminiscent of driving on the highway and passing sign after sign leading to the exits she could have taken, but couldn’t bring herself to.

How New Years Eve arrived and the Molina family gathered in the driveway to light sparklers; Luke’s hand brushing hers as he passed off one of the two in his hands. 

In his head lulling onto her shoulder while she was trying to finish some homework with his help on the torn couch and his lips moving against her bare skin  as he mumbled that she needed to take a break before driving herself insane; followed by her braiding her hair to get it out of her face.

She already had driven herself insane -- but not over her homework. 

(His mouth on her shoulder was the answer to a prayer she never dared to murmur aloud.)

Luke never failed to be present when he was needed. If she was sick or stressed or depressed, he knew when to fuse to her side and when to offer some space. Through careful observation rather than conversation, he knew which of her many sweatshirts were reserved for illness or emotional support. 

In most of those situations, she needed him, too. Her fingernails would curl into his biceps through a cramp or wave of tears and he would wrap her in his embrace and swarm her with warm words that dried her eyes.

She hated it.

When they wrote music, it felt as though they were already reading each other's minds before either of them had spoken a word about their plans. Their journals contained inky black waterfalls spilled from an intimacy that Julie did not want to dissect. 

Again, she hated it. She loved it more than anything and hated that she loved it all -- because it could never be real. 

She would always play second fiddle to death. 

Julie made the promise to herself to not let Luke complete her because, while she had him for now, the night of the Orpheum was a reminder that the universe would not hesitate to snap it’s fingers and eliminate him from existence. 

The universe, being the confusing, stubborn bitch it is, just didn’t get the memo on that promise. 

Because Luke filled every crack and restored every gap in her being, and he shouldn’t.

The hopeless, pining romantic in her that constantly argued with her realist side said they were meant to meet. Even if it was brief and heartbreaking and had the power to hurt her in a way she didn’t understand, it had to happen. If it wasn’t supposed to happen, then how and why did he cross space and time only to fall at her feet?

(Soulmates, a taunting voice whispered. Soulmates.)

((The voice was locked in a closet as punishment.))

She didn’t want to entertain the word. It had too much of a forlorn, wistfully romantic sound to it that Julie didn’t need to associate with Luke when she spent most moments with him at this point convincing herself that she wasn’t in love.

Until tonight.

It is past midnight, which is when anyone’s mental state starts to alter. Things that would be labelled as bad ideas in the daylight could very possibly become fair game when shrouded in a darkness that made everything private. The two of them, Luke and Julie, Julie and Luke, are nestled together on the piano bench as her fingers tiredly press each cut of ivory in a working melody.

“I have an idea,” Luke says, gently shifting his left hand to cover hers on the keys. “Why don’t we press pause on this song for a minute?”

Then, she finally looks up at him. Her eyes probably have crescents like the dark side of the moon crossing her skin, and her hair is all over the place, but he’s staring at her in one of the rare ways that she hates.

She hates it because the look convinces her that she completes him.

This time, however, there’s a hope. A hope, and a hesitance, and she’s simultaneously extremely nervous and beyond curious as to what his plans are. 

“Did- Didn’t you want to finish this tonight?” 

Regret strikes across his face, but he recovers. The softness is back. “Yeah, I just think we need a change of pace.” Right hand on the back of his neck: A telltale sign of a confession of some kind. She’s seen it more times than is healthy. “There was another song I wanted to show you, actually.”

“Oh.” She blinks, he waits. “Yeah, uh, I mean, yeah. Show me. What do you have so far?” He clears his throat as he thrums through the pages to find his target. “The whole thing.”

Julie doesn’t have time to react -- although she’s already in a panic -- before the leather-bound book is being awkwardly shoved into her hands, and the first thing she sees at the top is Luke’s nearly illegible scribble of Dark Room (song for Julie).

“Luke-”

“Just read it.” His voice is significantly raspier than it was a minute ago. “Please.”

She can’t. If he feels the same way and the confession is undeniably in front of her, then what is she supposed to do? Would she rather break Luke’s heart now to save them both down the line, or delay the misery a little longer?

It’s not that she doesn’t want it -- she does. But she doesn’t know if she’s emotionally equipped for any of the options that are offered to her. The destination of any path she chooses leads to a world of heartache.

So, she does the only thing she can think in the moment: She reads the song.

Instantly, the lyrics are blurred from the tears in her eyes because she sees the words “love” and “together” and her greatest fears and grandest wishes are coming true. The sonnet proclaims that she’s his light that illuminated his once-dark forever, and that he was hers when they didn’t even know each other, and that he will be hers wherever he ends up next.

He just wanted her to know that he would have waited another lifetime in the blank, limitless limbo he was in for 25 years if he knew she would be there when he was set free.

And, in the moment, Julie allows herself to acknowledge that her promise is broken.

She’s fallen in love. 

And, apparently, he has too.

(Maybe they can claim just one night. The universe owes them that much, doesn’t it?)

“Julie?” God, he sounds so worried. A shaking finger trails up her jaw to catch falling tears, and his contact makes her gasp. He pulls away and shoves his hands together to fidget in his lap. “Julie, are you- Fuck, I’m sorry, I just fucked this up, didn’t I? I fucked it all up. Fuck, I-”

When she chances a look up at him for the first time in the couple of minutes that she’s been staring, hopelessly, at the song in her lap -- he’s got his face covered by his hands pressing roughly into his eyes, and he’s turned to face the piano instead of her.

He takes a deep breath, and it sounds… 

Stuffy. 

Three more tears leak from Julie’s eyes. More build up every minute as her right hand runs along his shoulder, “Luke…”

“No, Julie, please just drop it.”

“Luke.”

“I clearly misread a lot of stuff, and I’m tired, so maybe you can just go to bed and forget-”

Her hand wraps tightly around his upper arm like it’s done so many times when she has been in distress. “Luke.”

There’s a crack in her voice from sheer desperation. She needs him to look at her, so that she can wipe his tears and smile through the sobs and tell him he didn’t misread a single thing. She would wait a lifetime for him to come out of the dark room, she loves him too, and she’s going to forget all about it. 

And ask him to do the same.

At least the scratch of his name catches his attention long enough, because he angles back towards her, and swallows thickly before meeting her eyes. Salty teardrops linger against his eyelids and eyelashes; the red rimming illuminating the oceanic green to look like a gemstone. Her grip relaxes.

“Yeah, Julie?”

She attempts a smile. “The song is beautiful, Luke. I love it.”

I love you.

“That’s it? It’s beautiful, and you love it, but you don’t… I’m not in your dreambox, huh?”

He clearly hasn’t dug through it in awhile. He’s everywhere. Discarded guitar picks and notes he’s left in her school journals and plenty, plenty of songs.

It’s funny, because she told him her dreambox was for things that didn’t make her sad. Luke was a double-edged sword -- making her happy every day in a new way, and making her cry into her pillow at night.

How does she explain this? There’s a whirlwind of responses running through her brain and she can barely coherently comprehend any of them. 

“No,” she finds herself sighing as she raises her hand to his cheek, followed by her other hand so that he can’t try and turn away. “No, Luke, no… You’re wrong.”

“What do you mean ‘I’m wrong?’”

Her bottom lip starts to shake. “You think I don’t love you back.”  Both of them feel their breath catch at her use of the word out loud. It feels like a secret that shouldn’t be repeated. “And you’re wrong.”

“... I’m wrong.”

“Of course you’re wrong! You really think I don’t love you back?”

“Why are you crying if you love me?”

“Because we can’t do this!”

He scoffs, and Julie’s heart is racing in her chest as he pushes himself off of the piano bench and her hands fall from his face. What has she done?

“That’s bull, Julie.” His fingertips tug at his hair. “You don’t need to make a big dramatic show to convince me it’s wrong just to let me down easy. You aren’t going to talk me out of this.” Dead-on, he stops pacing back and forth, and looks her in the eye. “I love you.”

Listening to him say it, the way his mouth moves and his voice ticks with conviction at each syllable, is what makes her break. 

“And I love you too.” 

He reels back. He probably wasn’t expecting her voice to raise from their odd, in-between whisper and normal volume.

“But don’t you get it? Luke, we aren't in some magical place where we can meet each other in the middle. A place like that doesn’t exist. You’re dead, and I’m alive, and any future here ends with both of us losing each other.” 

“Julie-”

“You said you would wait another lifetime, right?” Using his own lyrics against him. She watches his hands twitch before nodding; the movements of his head barely visible. “Then wait. Another lifetime, another two -- the fucking universe clearly didn’t want us to have this one, so we’re stuck waiting for the next one.”

Even through his clear and fighting need to argue, to talk with her about this, he stiffly nods his head. It’s obvious that she has thought way too much about this from the way she’s barely choking out each word before crumbling into tears before his eyes -- but then again, he’s thought about it too. 

Callused hands are running along her neck to tilt her face up out of the blue. She was too busy crying to notice that he had crossed the distance between them to stand right in front of her and assure that she was meeting his eyes.

“Luke-”

“No, Julie, it’s my turn. Please.”

She won’t argue with him. So, with a tender swipe of his thumbs under her eyes, he proceeds.

“Look, I get it. You think I don’t get it? I fucking hate being dead, for so many reasons, Julie. But if I never died, I never would have met you.” Her lips part, and maybe he thinks she’s going to protest because he smoothly lifts a finger in front of her lips that barely makes contact. 

(Julie almost presses her lips into it.)

“And you’re right. I wish there was somewhere that we could meet in the middle, but we don’t have that. I wish so many things, Julie. But none of them involve a life where I don’t have you.”

She whimpers, because listening to the man that normally chains his emotions in a cage bare his soul to her at nearly one in the morning is a seriously more out-of-body experience than she expected. She knew, deep down, that she loved him. But she never allowed herself to feel the all-encompassing warmth that she feels now.

“But hey, Julie, look at me,” he coaxes her with a tone that drips with affection. The pads of his fingers are nearly kneading into the back of her neck. “Like you said: The universe didn’t want to give us this lifetime. They couldn’t let us have all the fun, right?” Both of them let out a watery chuckle. “But they still brought me to you, didn’t they? They let me know you in this lifetime, even if we couldn’t have forever. I said I would be yours wherever I am. So even if this,” he gestures to his ghostly form, “isn’t forever, even if we don’t have this lifetime… You know I’ll love you forever, right?”

It was a monologue straight from one of her dreams that left her waking up with a manic smile and tears running down her face. 

Unable to form any other response besides an unaware nod, Julie waits for him to continue.

“And maybe, the universe will give us the next lifetime, or a whole new universe, or… Just somewhere where we can get forever.” 

Abruptly, his hands slide from her neck and grasp her hands like he needs to hold on firmly enough to believe that she’s still real in front of him. Julie is still speechless and teary, and in the most sentimental gesture, Luke kisses the back of both of her hands. 

“We’ll get forever, Julie.” His warm breath puffs against her skin. “I promise you.”

And, well, if he promises forever in the next life -- then why can’t she take what she can get in this one?

--

tags: @bluefirewrites @willexx @unsaid-emily @lydias--stiles @moreflowersthanweeds @pink-flame 

[lmanberg]

okay long message incoming that’s about to be severely parasocial: i lurk on tumblr but use twitter everyday and as a stan from there: i really think dream needs to take a long break. for like a month or at least until his health is better because it’s very obviously been in decline for some time. him already having pre-existing issues that seem to keep revealing themselves over time coupled with all of the new issues that come from blowing up the way he did (at such a young age too, and ik he likes to say “i’m a grown ass man blah blah” but like,,ur mom still does everything for you) is honestly worrying.....there are too many people who hate him/want him dead that he randomly had to start dealing with, and too many people who want him to be some kind of morally perfect jesus and hold him to a ridiculously unrealistic standard and he’s very clearly a people pleaser to the point of fucking himself over and i truly think he relies more on the love from his fans for his health than from his actual friends/family. it just feels sad to watch because he always says “i handled that poorly and i’m embarrassed, this is the last time i’ll do this blah blah” but it just. keeps going. over and over. and his friends for some odd reason seem to not make him aware of this because he keeps doing it in front of millions of people,,and then him saying he had been sitting in a bath “in his feelings” for four hours when he wrote the speedrunning thing,,,,like dude please get help. it doesn’t help that his main platform for communicating is twitter, where he gets bombarded everyday for not being some mega woke guy when it’s like? this is a young white guy from the southern US, what did you expect. and i’m not saying that to be mean, it’s just the truth, and its very obvious that he has been making significant effort to become more progressive and open with his views but stupid twitter doesn’t understand that these things don’t happen overnight. it’s especially ridiculous when you see that a lot of the people preaching to him abt values and shit are like 14/15yo’s who have next to no irl experience with a lot of problems and have undeveloped brains and think twitter threads are peak activism. like he’s not gonna know about all the more minuscule problems that affect everyone and it doesn’t help that majority of “problems” twitter talks abt aren’t even real ones so he’s just getting more brainrot a lot of the time (i digress, back to his health). the dude lives with his best friend and barely speaks to him, sleeps half the day, is still in regular contact with his abusive ex, clearly has multiple childhood issues that never got properly addressed, and seems to have an obsession with constantly reading every little thing about himself from millions of people who hate his guts and it’s like,,,knowing all that and seeing how he’s handled his emotions these past months...i’m genuinely worried for him, like it’s already apparent that he’s depressed and i just fear for how much worse it’s going to get if he doesn’t allow himself to breathe. i also really do think he’s just depending on george arriving in the US to fix a lot of how he feels/is which also isn’t the greatest but that’s it’s own thing. i really just wish that for his health he would take a long break because the internet (antis and stans alike) is eating him alive and i really do believe he’s a good person with a well intended heart. sorry that this was so long, it’s been on my mind for a WHILE

^^^

[figula]

i do feel quite low atm + cried on ben about it for a while earlier

he had to request that i talked about it again and im continually frustrated by myself for forcing a distance that doesnt need to be there - like literally what is the purpose? he has to ask me all the time to not write my problems on tumblr INSTEAD OF talking to him about them irl. and i just find it so fucking hard to talk irl?! :/ i guess the solution is not to just refuse to do things that are hard for me tho (as usual) so i did talk to him about it

im continually stressed / triggered i suppose by this bullshit w/ my sister and the knowledge we’re going back to my parents for christmas has compounded that a lot bc im terrified of my mum commenting on my body, and im terrified of being compared to my extremely thin sister, and i have been weighing myself 2x a day to check that the number is going down rather than up. i did tell ben this and he was immediately in favour of throwing the scales out but i feel that id be more anxious if i didnt know the number. i know how this all sounds, and it sounds like that bc that’s how it is. it’s already a deeply sad + unhealthy mindset to be in, but i don’t know how to get out of it. i’m fine + eating normally, but im sad that i’m doing this again. (by ‘this’ i mean weighing myself in the morning and evening + thinking constantly about my weight + body) and ashamed :(

also as ive mentioned i feel very battered by the relationship OCD + the gay thoughts OCD (lol irl at that phrase but like... it’s what it is) and i spent a while last night doing absolutely stupid shit in response - like reading all these articles about comphet, measuring my index and ring finger WITH A RULER bc of that study that suggested lesbians are more likely to have a longer ring finger than index finger. and just like being totally batshit about it. ben asked for a list of thoughts but going into detail about that specifically just felt Not Doable so ill probably do my usual thing of writing him an email about it lol. im not a fucking lesbian holy shit! the absolute irrationality!!! i did also do some googling + found a number of bisexual women in a similar thought spiral which was quite interesting - the same kind of shit - terrified of being a victim of comphet, terrified of their relationship not being ‘valid’, terrified of not being ‘true to themselves’. i guess i have to wonder how many of them actually have gay thoughts OCD and how many of them genuinely are victims of comphet bc i do bet it’s a non-zero number. however that’s not a very helpful thought for me specifically lol

plus this latest chess bullshit is also just like depressing me to my core bc i have to spend a significant portion of my online life in a group w/ people who like even if previously i thought they had my back they clearly fucking dont. i do think some of them do, but i thought the mod i talked about yesterday did as well so like fucking hell maybe none of them actually do :| and that’s a really desperately sad thought to have when i do despite my understanding of the situation desperately want to be around to help improve the chess situation wrt women. its just fucking sad and too depressing to even think too much about

anyway. i daresay this is kind of all due to the shit about my sister at its core bc i feel like i was fine before that all kicked off. i am gonna think of another diorama to complete bc i always feel much much happier when im working on an art project + i havent been doing one since i finished the last one, and i think i’ll feel much better once i start up something else. other than that: i dunno, just gonna keep keeping on

[bloodyspade0000]

30-day knb challenge: Day 1- Favorite Male character

↳ Haizaki Shougo

I am not justifying Haizaki's behaviour. I think he needs a tall glass of respect woman juice and therapy. This is just meant to explain why he is my favourite character and help you better understand him as a character. Do not send hate or take my words out of context. You will be reported, deleted and cancelled. Thank you and enjoy. :)

My favourite character is Haizaki Shougo *dodges tomatoes* a lot of people in the fandom hate this guy for many reasons. It's kind of funny how many people hate him and the amount of hate he gets just for existing. Like bruh; he's sixteen, leave him alone. 😂

His whole existence is just sad. He was literally created to be hated.

Like straight up, Tadatoshi Fujimaki even admitted that he hated Haizaki. Haizaki's sole purpose of existing is to make the Generation of Miracles look better even though they’re just as problematic as he. No one is fucking perfect and is about time people woke the fuck up and realized it. Your faves are problematic move the fuck on.

Yes, the Miracles are redeemable but so is Haizaki. Yet, unlike the Miracles, he does not get redeemable. No, he disappears and is never seen again. Like bitch, what the fuck!? if you’re gonna introduce a character to only have them disappear for a long time and either have them show up again or just never mention them again. Wasting the potential they had to be a very good character or not having them redeem themselves while the other characters who were just as fucking problematic get a fucking redemption arc because they’re fucking main characters!? What’s the point of that character even existing in the first place? What kind of bullshit is that? Just to have them exist to make the main characters look good? How the fuck does that make sense? Like where is my Haizaki redemption arc? Do I have to write it on my own? I will write it. I am writing one.

Haizaki is the only character I could relate to. Being second best, struggling to find somewhere to fit in and overshadowed and replaced by someone everyone thinks is better than you. It's fucking depressing, okay? You spend your whole life thinking you’re not good enough, and it hurts. I don't feel like going too deep into it because I don't owe you a detailed explanation of my trauma, okay?. So I'll save that for my fics where I self-project half of it onto Haizaki. It’s a coping mechanism, okay? Therapy is fucking expensive.

The anime ruined his whole character, got rid of his whole arc and shorted it down, and made him worse than he really is.

A post explaining how the anime did him dirty and goes more in-depth about his character

I am not trying to justify his actions, i.e. him manhandling Alex and beating Himura up. He does terrible shit. We all do lousy shit sometimes, but that doesn't make us bad people. Making mistakes is a part of being human, and we're supposed to hold people accountable for their actions and help them realize what they’re doing is wrong, allowing them to grow and change. Not condemn them and ostracize them, which leads to isolation and a lot of psychological trauma and self-hatred, and as someone who has dealt with—is still dealing with all three. It is not fun. It makes living painful. Highly unrecommended.

Haizaki does not have a positive role model in his life nor anybody he can turn to, everyone has already given up on him. Even Nijimura and Kuroko didn’t even try to help him, being more focused on the Miracles. (Yes, I know kuroko tried to stop him from throwing his basketball shoes away, but that doesn’t fucking count because after that Kuroko just gave up on Haiazki too). Haizaki has probably grown grew up knowing only violence and not a single ounce of kindness, turning him into the bitter and angry little boy he is.

Haizaki had so much potential. But instead of making him a great villain that potential was WASTED on fucking Kise.

Also, the Kaijo vs Seirin match in the winter cup was completely useless because Kise already got redeemed and he literally got no character development from it.

And Seirin was gonna fucking win anyways because duh thier the main characters. 🙄

Now some headcanons I think about a lot:

1. He gets abused. Some psychological behavioural consequences of child abuse are unhealthy sexual practices and juvenile delinquency, and Haizaki exhibits all three which are some external behaviours of most (NOT ALL) male abuse victims. Haizaki's a womanizer, aggressive, hostile and violent. Yet, he backs down when someone stronger than him comes around and puts him in his place i.e. Aomine and Nijimura.

a factsheet explaining the long term consequences of child abuse and neglect

How to help a friend dealing with family abuse or neglect

How to Handle Abuse

2. He's a victim. And when you're a victim, you either become angry and cynical with everything and everyone around you, swearing never to be a victim again and struggle with gaining back control of your life. Not wanting anyone to see you being vulnerable because being vulnerable makes you weak. Being weak makes you shatter. You always shatter like glass, cutting yourself every time you pick up broken pieces, watching as blood trickles through your fingers.

Your body is constantly on high alert. The default is flight or fight—survival to the fittest.

Or you bite your lip and keep your head down, bottling everything inside and looking for escapes or seeking validation. You want to be wanted and loved because you struggle with loving and accepting yourself. There's always a voice in the back of your head telling you, you're not good enough or that it's your fault. That everything is your fault. Self-hatred and self-doubt are your tormentors.

Or it's a combination between both—a constant struggle.

And I believe Haizaki portrays both from the way he acts and presents himself. Especially since his motto is literally "Survival of the fittest,” and he had once told Kuroko, " there are bad guys and then the really scary people," or something along those lines, which I believe he is talking from experience. You learn from your experiences. They either make you or break you.

3. He's touch-starved.

What Does It Mean to Be Touch Starved?

4. He's bisexual and has a lot of internalized homophobia. I can just feel his internalized homophobia rolling off of him. Bruh, I just know cuz I am bisexual, and I have struggled with internalized homophobia and still sadly struggle with it cuz I grew up surrounded by homophobic people.

I still live with them. 😭

Also, we live in a society that thinks straight is the default.

What internalized homophobia is.

5. His sexual awakening was probably Aomine or Kise. Could be both 😂?

6. He cries himself to sleep every night.

7. He's observant and a great judge of character. It's a fact. This guy literally predicted the downfall of the Miracles. Straight up warned Kuroko too. Too bad Kuroko didn't listen to him.

8. He's hilarious. When he first appeared in the manga, he literally called Himura a loser, lol. XD

9. He's a closeted softie and a total tsundere.

10. doesn't know how to react to kindness and will think you're threatening him or will feel really awkward and uncomfortable but will cover it up with his scowl, or he'll have a breakdown.

11. needs a lot of reassurance and head pats

12. swears a lot. Has no filter.

13. His bother is in the yakuza or some high position of power, and he feels inferior to him. It also explains why Haizaki gets away with things because he would have been kicked out of school if his bother wasn't either-or. I'm talking about his bother being in the yakuza, lol. XD

14. He and Momoi dated for a while but broke up on a mutual understanding that thier relationship just didn't work out. They're best friends and hang out sometimes.

15. Haizaki's good with kids and just genuinely likes them. He would be a great father and try his best to raise his kids right.

16. He gets sick really easily

17. He's clingy

18. He has no friends, mainly because he doesn't want people to get close to him because he's afraid of getting hurt again. Also, everyone in knb hates him.

19. He watches cartoons cuz he was never allowed to watch them when he was a kid. His childhood is trash, okay?

20. He hides in the closet because that's where he feels safe the most—rhetorically and literally.

21. Sleep-deprived and only runs on caffeine and spite.

List of fics that portray Haizaki better than the anime:

Heavy is the head by extrastellar

Idle Hands by DarkWoods

Another Chance by regretting my username_ (777imou_offline367)

What Matters is that We're Together by StrawFairy

06:00:00 of Haizaki Shougo (4) by ReiClien

This Is Happening by SharkGirl

What is Love by voices_in_my_head

A completely uncalled catharsis by oddball

One-shots

intertwined, under a spell by kornevable

ԼƠƔƐ & ӇΛƬƐ by Arthuria_PenDragon

delirium by extrastellar

me with you by doublejoint

Turn My Camera On by wordsliketeeth

At Summer's End by doublejoint

Taste by Hibari1_san

I Can't Get Enough of You by HisDarkSecret

I don't care if it hurts by llowsywriter

Ashes by doublejoint

broken things by lowsywriter

Series:

Finally found each other by suzakukills

This Is Happening Universe by SharkGirl

DNA by flowerway

My WIPS:

Isn’t it lovely?

Broken Crown

Love me, Love me, Love me

Grey skies

Rabbit hole

A playlist of songs that I believe fit Haizaki

Kuroko’s basketball’s manga

In conclusion, You can hate Haizaki as much as you want. But just keep it to yourself. Haizaki is my baby and I will protect him with my life.

[dorkylittleweirdo]

the lesbian himbo solidarity post

okay so. basically this dude named max was in my anatomy class and we sat next to each other for the whole year so we had No Choice but to vibe

~

so he’s a Large football jock and i’m smol. we were both seniors tho and there were only three seniors in that class so we bonded over that. so he looks,, really scary tbh. like. ya know. the Exact type of person who would bully you and call you slurs. so i was like “oh god oh god oh god” every class bc i was like “this is it, this is the day i Die by his hand”

~

the first time we really vibed was when i came from culinary one friday bc i had culinary right before anatomy. and i had Cookies. a lot of them. and i had them in a little brown paper bag sitting right in the corner of my desk just bc like why not. cue max rolling up to class, throwing his stuff down and coming up Right Next To Me and Intensely eyeing the bag before going “hey jc, whatcha got there”. and i went “...cookies from my culinary class” and he just “👀👀” so i go “do you,, do you want one?”.  g r a b s  the bag while yelling “HELL YEAH” and really excitedly just eats a cookie and i just go “you can,, you can just take the bag if you want”. he obviously took the bag. we were Bros from that day on

~

i was Notorious for being the Class Nerd bc i loved anatomy and i had over 100% in the class. he was Not as into anatomy and just wanted to vibe and i feel that bc i had a class like that too, so i just gave him my notes and warm up answers to copy bc i’m Like That. we had like,, a system in place, so he would tell jokes or just say random shit and i’d kinda laugh and vibe while taking notes

~

one time i was kinda tired and staring off into space and he rolled up to class and goes “jcccc why are you saaaad :((” and i was like “i,, i’m not???” and he was like super confident that i was Going Through It and was like “you can’t lie to me, i already saw that sad face” i’m like “you mean my Normal Face???”. but so while i was taking notes that day, he leaned over and drew a lil happy face on my packet, so i looked over and smiled at him. aND NOT EVEN A MINUTE LATER, he leans back over and turns it into a dick. and i go “b r o  i gotta turn this shit in i’m gonna get in trouble?????” and he Panicked on my behalf, Stood Up in his seat,  Y E L L S  to the teacher “SIR, I DREW A  M A L E  G E N I T A L I A  ON JC’S NOTES, IT’S NOT HER FAULT”. teacher just Looks over at us, blinks, goes back to his lecture. my face is Red, max turns to me,  w i n k s, and goes “i gochu”

~

so my group Abandoned Me one day for a lab bc neither of them were there and i rolled up to the teacher like “k i’ll be Stabbing A Brain alone today” and my teacher’s like “but??? you need to Poke A Brain With A Group” and i go “but i have None Friends and my group mates aren’t here”. so max heard this whole interaction go down and is like “jc i Cannot Believe, you’re gonna group with us”. drags me over to some other people who sit near us that i anxiously vibe with, who had apparently been struggling to stab the labels into the brain for like seven minutes before i rolled up. max goes “okay guys jc’s in our group”. everyone’s hype. i labeled it, filled out the sheet, let everyone copy it, and all of us vibed for like half an hour

~

he was struggling to label to bones in the body for our warm up. two minutes in he goes “damn i know like,, four of these. jc how many do you know”, looks over at my worksheet, his eyes pop out of his damn skull. “JC ARE YOU FUCKIN SERIOUS”. holds up my worksheet that’s completely filled out, points aggressively at it while looking at our teacher, “ARE YOU SEEIN THIS SHIT???”

~

straight up asked if i was a mom one time bc he said i give off “mom vibes”. his response to me not wanting kids was “really??? i want like six”. appreciated me saying “oh, well i want a career” a little too much bc he couldn’t stop laughing

~

a regular occurrence was me finishing a worksheet really fast and standing to turn it in, then max going “sit your ass back down, i needa see that” followed by “bro i appreciate you actually letting me copy your shit but Please write neater”. his handwriting was worse than mine and he could read my writing but he likes to Complain

~

another Regular Occurrence was me finishing a test in about five minutes followed by him yelling “JC ARE YOU  F U C K I N G  KIDDING ME”

~

i’d bring food from culinary a lot and he’d just go “👀” and i would just give it to him and he’d be so excited and go “jc you’re the best” while proceeding to shove a cupcake down his face or whatever else it was i brought while  M O A N I N G

~

he asked me one time why i’m so nervous around him, and he was probably expecting me to say some shit like “oh nooo i’m not i’m just Shy tm” but i Instantly responded with “bc you look like you’re gonna call me a slur in the 7/11″ and he was so genuinely upset and he goes “noooo jc D: i’m not a baseball boy” and i Died

~

some dude smacked him on the back of his head and he goes “OW MY-” looks at me, “hey jc, what’s the back of the head called again?” and i go “the occipital” and he’s like “great, thanks”, turns around again to the other dude, “MY  O C C I P I T A L”

~

“jc have you ever been depressed” “max i have depression” “sick, you should listen to this band”

~

he slowly tried to put something on my desk and i was still adjusting to “okay not everyone is gonna hit me” and thought he was trying to do like a fistbump or something. and he goes “oh no i wasn’t-” and i’m like “oKaY yEaH iT’S fiNe”, he puts whatever lil eraser on my desk then goes “NO NO, GIVE ME SOME JC” and fistbumped me but it still Haunts Me bc he Was Not Trying To Do That

~

“i’m gonna go as a cop for halloween” “...okay max” “all i have to do is wear a wifebeater shirt” “i-” “because. because ya know. cops beat their wives”

~

asked what kind of music i listen to once, and i went “uh,, it depends” he goes “what are you listening to now??” aND I HAD TO GO “um,, bruises and bitemarks” and he screeched bc whatever he was expecting from the shy quiet girl who sits next to him, it was Not That

~

so i wasn’t sure how to like,, come out but i have a bunch of gay pins on my backpack so i didn’t know if he knew or not. but then one time he just starts asking the people around him if they would kiss/date someone of the same gender. so i go “i mean,, yeah” and he goes “wait really” and i was Scared tm bc oh god here it comes. i go “yeah” he goes “full gay or like bi” and i was like “full,, full gay. i’m a lesbian” and he’s like “BROOOO THAT’S SICK :D” and he was so genuinely excited that i like girls

~

ever since he found out that i’m a lesbian, he would move his desk reeeeaaally close to mine to show me pictures of girls and be like “hey hey what do you think of her”, trying to invite me to parties so he could set me up with someone, attempting to be my wingman

~

he constantly shoved one of his earbuds into my ear so i could bop to his music with him. set his phone on my desk a few times so i could choose something and i go “oh no, i have garbage taste in music” and he goes “well i don’t, that’s why you’re choosing from my playlist” and i just Sat there like “wow okay but also that’s valid”. he shockingly had a few songs on there that i listen to, so we vibed to those. he listened to my playlists a couple times and he’d be like “most of these are either depressing, horny, or gay, and that sums you up pretty well” and i was Offended but he’s right

~

“hey jc, what’s the bone that sounds like my name” “...maxilla???” “fuck yeah, there’s a bone named after me”

~

asked me if i ever had a girlfriend before and i was like “n o  :((((” and he’s like “on god bro, you gonna get you some pussy”

~

every time he’d see me out of class, he point at me and wave really aggressively and be like “HI JC :D” and i’d kinda wave back really shyly while watching him tell whoever he was with that we were bros. after a couple times, i asked him next class why he waved at me and he’s like “why wouldn’t i??” and i go “um. bc you’re pretty popular and well liked and nobody knows i exist and i’m pretty uncool????” and he deadass is like “J C  NOO YOU’RE REALLY COOL WYM PEOPLE LIKE YOU” and that’s how i found out that people actually knew me bc a bunch of the football guys i talked to in anatomy would point me out when they saw me bc they liked vibing with me so that was A Time. made sense why random people would like,, nod at me while walking by

~

i brought cookies for my teachers and friends on valentine’s day and i gave max a couple and i was like “hey i’m giving these to all my friends so like here” and he just “jc you consider us friends???” and i thought he was gonna laugh at me and i just went “ah,,, yeah” and he was So Excited

[daughterofhel]

.

My icon died last night.

The little black and white cat, Auk (or-ick). A silly name from a badly remembered name from my childhood.

He was pretty much deaf; car got him.

I haven’t seen him since I left Texas, as I moved for a year to VA before finally moving to be with my wife in Vento. One of my guy friends family took him in on their ranch.

It was fitting; I did get Auk from a ranch. He was used to it, loved it even. And this was without the competition of an unhealthy amount of breeding stays like the ones I grabbed him and Ivy up from. I could only take two, my friend the same.

Funny. I had originally gone there to see the birth of a colt only to leave with a cat. Return the next day and get one more, a friend for my tiny runt of a thing.

And who should but all demand it be him to leave with me but Auk? The friendliest of cats that I’ve ever had the pleasure to be around. He also thwarted my attempts at having two girl cats. He was insistent to leave with me and you don’t argue when you’re chosen you know?

I won’t detail the tears following or the rough road and chaos that went on, but many double shifts back to back to back endlessly, a medicated clumsy grandmother with rapidly failing health, and complex roommate situations, I just wasn’t able to provide the needed time and care for my cats.

I cried the entire 45 minute drive to my buddys property when he said he could take them in. I had to pull over twice. They also cried the entire time, being afraid of the car, which made it harder. My buddy, He was the same guy who rescued a big pup clearly abandoned some years back. I had helped train him to not jump on people and other stuff. His folks also owned a longhorn ranch, lots and lots of space.

Those cats deserved better and this was a familiar element, now neutered, vaccinated, and with no stray competition and the dog was so careful. But god. I never wanted to say goodbye to my cats. It didn’t matter though, what I wanted; they needed care and time I wasn’t able to keep providing.

So I dropped them off. As expected, Ivy kept close but never got too close to the family. She simply doesn’t trust; I’ve no idea why such a little thing bonded instantly with me and remained quite the fixed cuddle bug. But she had. I felt worse about it with her than Auk if I’m to be honest.

Auk loved attention. Loved fetch. Belly rubs. This cat was a classic dog and a huge whore for attention. XD He essentially made himself at home and lavished any and all attention, to which my buddies mother instantly fell for this fuzzy dorks charms. He has been well cared for.

I know younger me could’ve and should’ve done better when I got these cats. Mind you, I’ve been gone for over 10 years now, so it has been quite some time. I’m doing what I wish I could have done for my cats then with the two rescues we got last year here.

I was young and working so many hours for nearly no profit after stuff was paid, even living at home and with roommates. I couldn’t afford the extra vet fees I needed or the fanciest of foods or any of that. I loved them, and I felt them being with me instead of the half starving state they were in from constantly competing with so many other cats, was still a better option for them. I still was at least able to do some of the important visits for them.

I cleared their fleas and earmites. I never did get rid of Ivys worms, though I desperately tried. I tried so many ways to get this pill into that cat. Even crushed into wet food. Friends helping to wrap and hold her to make her swallow. All the tricks we found, failed. She just. She wouldn’t take it. And I didn’t have the cash to go every single day and time she needed a dose to a pet clinic. I had checked more than once. It was so much money.

Older, better situated now.. I’ve been able to do right by the cats, Nyx and Tivali, that I have now.

We even saved Nyx’s eye. We have a system to give her her seizure medicine every 12 hours. They’re both fully up to date with their shots and are fixed. Ears totally clean. Monthly newly added anti flea tick collars.

The best food we can reasonably find at the local pet shop; their pelts are beautiful, soft, shiny, and they never smell.

We’ve even found a biodegradable corn based litter we can flush which has been the greatest find.

We get semi regular check ups on our girls and they’re doing just fine now. I’m still proud about saving Nyx’s eye. It was a tedious ordeal. 3-4 times a day we had to clean and medicate a cats eye. We got good at it even if she wasn’t fond of it. Thankfully the vitamins they required were like treats. Even the antibiotics from the colds they had from the shelter.

I miss Auk. And Ivy. And I wish I could’ve not only given them the life I’ve given my current cats now, (I’ve constructed basket beds, hammocks, a whole canopy jungle gym and rope bridge to boot for them with my wife!), but I wish I could have been the one to have them in my life still. I know it was not possible. It wouldn’t have been possible.

But I think of them. A lot. And I knew it was inevitable. Auk would’ve been well over 13 or so years by now. A little old but could’ve lived longer yet for sure. My buddy didn’t mention he has gone deaf. Of course he rarely goes home himself; I don’t blame him. Life’s complicated.

I have mourned these two cats multiple times now. So I’m not thrown into tears upon this news, I’ve cried plenty over the years already. But I’m still sad to hear that fuzzy delight has passed on. I won’t ask, but I hope, and believe, the accident was a quick end for such a friendly guy.

I’ll mourn him eventually in full. I know I will. But considering this is the fourth major bad news I’ve gotten in less than a month and most of it a week, I thought to write about it. If only to keep sane.

May I not receive the same news of my grandmother or my sister who both remain in the hospital.

And god. May my mother stop forcing me to recall and talk about our shared trauma under my father and just keep me up to date on my families health. I don’t want to be crushed under this suffocating vice on my neck that makes me hesitate to call and see my family. I know she needs to vent. And god. I try to let her. I do. I try to be kind; she needs it.

But it isn’t the time and place when I’m trying to figure out if my grandmother is dying or getting better. I shouldn’t have to receive that confirmation, be granted a brief video called hello and check in, with the price of an hour long dredge through a past I personally have gone to two different types of therapy through to try and cope with. Which, only to some degree, have helped.

One of the last longer calls we had she all but said she hoped her theories on my father possible molesting me were true, so, you know, that would be one more trauma we had in common. She went on and on, even trying to provide loose evidence to her theory. Troubling sentences I would say in my rare visits. Etc. She just. Wouldn’t. Stop. And that was after an hour of recalling how terrible her life was with my father and the abuse, the screaming, the terror, the hiding, the injuries, all of it. As if I wasn’t left to live my life with this very man she said her three years with ruined her more than all her past shit combined.

She assured me she was a good mother who tried. And honestly. No. But I do believe she tried. But she was already weak emotionally and mentally and my father wrecked what was left. She left me sometimes for a couple days lock in that house when I was in diapers. You don’t forget that shit. I’m still scared of the dark. I can’t reason with myself on it. But being mad about all of it doesn’t change anything and would hurt a woman already broken. Why would I do that.

Still. It bothers me. So fucking much. But she’s such a fragile person in a fragile emotional state with everything else on top. She’s been heavily depressed for many many years and it’s a bunch of other stuff that spirals and honestly, at this point, she’s toxic even to herself. I’ve tried working on it with her but it matters not if she’s not willing to work on it too. I don’t know my mother besides her many traumas. We’ve been separated and estranged for most of my life. Unless I was physically able to actually be there and provide a use.

But that’s par for the course; no one will have you around if you’re unable to provide something for it. My wife’s the first person who genuinely seems to enjoy having me around just because and wants nothing more. I do stuff of course; but with her I am not afraid a slip up could mean everything it taken away and lost. I can forget the dishes once or had a bad mental health day and stay in bed without it having catastrophic consequences. She’s such a wonderful kind woman; I cannot help stressing over how to repay her.

I try and I’ve expressed my distraught on the topic and though she always seems baffled and confused about my insistence that I should be doing far more, that lass doesn’t agree at all. It’s her parents home so I am not able to freely run the house as I would on our own, as I’m able and have in many places, so I’m often less useful with the restrictions. She’s also use to the flow and swing of things and has things half done before it’s being asked.

Our own place will make life smoother and calmer for both of us; most importantly her. I’ve watched this family, sweet, but absolutely tone deaf to how many and often their demands are tossed to her. All the other kids moved out with partners. Hell, the oldest s child basically lives here. Our own hurdle with raising a kid who we don’t have the final say on any single thing. His grandparents are enablers cuz they don’t want to hear any loud noises, no matter what. And that causes strain when the kid can and does get anything and everything as long as he kicks up a fit. And he sure as hell does. There are days it’s so bad my wife’s in tears. And that pisses me off. The kids a good person, but the fact no one will actually parent and draw definite lines and be firm with No’s can also make him horrible too.

I’ve to deal with the chess match that is my father. I often call him my own personal Devil. He kind of is. But one I’m familiar enough with at this point in my life. I know where and when to cut my losses, where to step around, when I need to swallow my pride or the easily seen through lies, and nod my head. If he was all terrible, I could have cut him from my life. But no one ever really is. And I do know I owe it to the man; he has helped tremendously in my life as much as he’s been a big problem of it. I know his biggest fear is to be alone and forgotten. I wouldn’t do that, not even to the devil.

I need some bland news. Not thrilling. Not depressing. Just some ‘hey that happened’ ‘oh cool.’ Kind of news. Just a small reprieve.

Im. Scared. Of what’s next.

I. Know that things are teetering dangerously into a very very tragic terrible story on my mothers end. I know her husbands already super suicidal. My half brothers severely autistic, non verbal, among a few other things and will require his whole life to have someone be there for him. He’s not stupid, and I hate when people treat him as so, but he is absolutely unable to care for himself. He doesn’t have the right motorskills even, though we’ve gone to many different places to try and help him find ways to do actions in his own way that still get the same result. I admire how he’s such a positive little man, generally not just happy, but delighted. I aspire to look at the world like he does. He reminds me to try. I do love that about him.

He is, however, a Big boy, 15 now, and growing. He’s also very strong now. My mother is getting to an age where his, as well call em happy slaps, are really hurting her. He is generally good about slapping your hands and not your back if you provide them. But when he is upset he is a shover; one bad fall could really cause a lot of chaos for my mother with her health. The husband spends most of his time locked in his room.

My half sister is epileptic. They have done tests for years and can’t figure out all her triggers or the whys. They just sometimes stop for a long time then suddenly happen. She’s 16, turning 17 soon. And I don’t even know if she’s going to be, since my mother won’t let me know. And there are large gaps from my sister being on tech due to concerns of what triggered her seizure this time so she’s often removed from electronic devices for a time.

When I had turned 21, my mother and her husband tried to have me sign a paper to become legal guardian of my half siblings, should something happen to them, so the kids didn’t get separated.

At that time, I was still taking care of my fathers mother along with working at a shit job, and had a house full of temporary roommates who I had offered rooms to as a sort of safe house for them. I have a knack for finding people from broken homes, what can I say? With the house my father and I built, we had space, so I used it. I was able to help the girls get out of toxic places, get on their feet, and move on. Not all of them always. But it did generally work out. One has a boyfriend who was growing worse to her on top of getting more and more into hard drugs while also she dealing with an abusive aunt who got worse once her mother died of cancer. So she was stuck with the terrible boyfriend. I had her stay with me as soon as I heard.

Another was complicated, but generally revolved around the alcoholic mother and the many, shady, men in and out of the house. The dangers of that alone were.. problematic without the friend also being suicidal and not taken seriously. I’ve stayed many times with her to just hang out, clean, cook, or even read a book cuz she just wanted to hear someone talking and such. You know? Until eventually I had her move in with me too.

Another’s mothers died of a cancer and dad an alcoholic; not abusive, he just became childlike and super forgetful. To a hurtful degree in his totally dependent state, whenever he was home. Plus their whole little trailer smelled of piss. And her boyfriend (they’re married with kids and happy now) was in jail. He had a bad past but had cleaned up his act quite well, but. Well that’s complicated. We all know that the police don’t squint at details of any issue if the accused has a problematic past.

I had two different girls with trouble at home who were being used by their family to constantly work, clean, and pay for everything.

I had an ex and her girlfriend with problematic homophobic parents who were terrible and semi violent so I had them stay with us so they could be together somewhere safer.

I did not. At all. Have the assured means to also be a parent of ten children with very different needs nor any medical benefits to help out with.

I also knew, that, with how my mothers husband was, if he had some guarantees for his children’s safety, he would likely end his life if he could. He’s been so close so many times. If signed this paper, he would have the last big most important concern that’s kept him from.. I just. I didn’t want him to do it. I selfishly didn’t want to be responsible for my siblings that would take away any bit of time I had for myself away. If anything happened, I would not abandon and forget my siblings. That’s absurd. But my mother implied heavily she wanted to be sure of that. And thus this paper.

I was struggling to find aid for college so I could go to school (never got to, by the way. Minus two classes in total. Aced them both, but it doesn’t matter. Credits in the wind). I was already dealing with my grandmother. The girls I chose to help. My shit job. My fathers temper and his horrible horrible ‘on again off again’ girlfriend. The chaos that alone committed.

I was busy providing a safe space in my home and making sure it stayed that way for the rare times trouble makers made the mistake of stepping up to my door to try and harass my girls.

I often worked 10 days in a row before a day off. Many of those days often had double shifts which were 16 hours. Sometimes I got an hour nap on the double shifts.

I just couldn’t do it.

And now. I remember something that came to mind back then that comes back to mind now. My moms husband adores my grandma. She’s been better to him than his own mother. She’s dying. He’s not taking it well and his mental health has always been pretty low and in the last couple years, already dangerously rock bottom. I’ll admit, same.

His daughter is now in the hospital. My brother is smart but there are some things we can’t really explain for him to get. He understands something is wrong but not sure what and it upsets him. He doesn’t like change and gets super fussy for it. Which can be taxing and hours and days and weeks of it. Grandmas been in the hospital for a couple more or more now. She coded a few days ago but they got her back.

If grandma dies. If something happens to my sister…

God. I don’t see that man sticking around.

And with my mom isolated. A lot of it her doing with her own family but also a good part of it being dumb petty bs of other folks that have no reason to behave like that (a whole drama I don’t have the energy to keep up with..). I just.

I see it as a domino effect of terrible terrible events I don’t want to write.

My mothers side im not very close to. I don’t blame my cousins, we were kids ajd our meetings were brief as they were. But the adults kept their distance with me. No one expected me to survive and decided it was easier to not get attached. To not get involved with me, and by extension, the devil himself, my father. So I never got the chance to know that family. Even when I tried.

So the only family I do have some ties to ajd know, is in a hospital bed, or on my dads side, and they’re dying to. And I get it… that at a certain age in life, many of the people around you start to. It’s just life. Ajd it sucks. And I miss having a best friend. I miss having friends who just seem to like to have me around. Want to have me around.

And I wonder if the friends I thought I made with my roommates were just because I provided something for them. Sure we laughed a lot, we cried over shared traumas, celebrated holidays together so as to not be alone.

But not a one speaks to me now. And hey. That’s also life. But it makes me feel pretty shitty; every where I look in the past, I can’t see any relationship, family, partner, friendship, that ever had me around unless I was providing services they wanted and needed. And I don’t mean the natural give and take.

I’m aware that I’m not the friend folks have around. I’m a fun distraction at best and have been told and reminded as such. I feel like shit cuz my wife’s wonderful and the best person in my life, and yet I still mourn having close friends to hang with. I miss gaming together the most. Or the bullshitting. Sharing food.

I’m not a nice person. I’m working on it. I am. I’ve also, for years, been working on my own personal problems so as to not bring them into even conversations. I don’t know what I am doing wrong but I just.. can’t seem to keep anyone around. And frankly.

I find myself crying about it a lot with no idea what to do.

And. I’m burnt out.

I don’t want to make friends anymore. And yet I still crave it. Which sucks. I can’t stop seeming to want that. And I keep trying. And trying.

I’m trying to accept and be happy with any bit of time I get from the few friends who talk to me. I try to take my chances where I can to hang out (online, as they’re all distance by now), cuz I know it’s a short window and I’ll be lucky to get a next time in the near future.

Online is harder to provide a use, and once the ‘honeymoon phase’ of the friendship winds down, some drop off the map entirely. A few abruptly. And I just. That’s fucked me ho a ton. I can’t even express how many hours I stay sitting. Thinking. Unable to understand what I am not doing or what I am.

It’s a pity party. I know. But it’s fine. I’m still the only one at it and though I’m quite forward even with nerves eating away at me, I still just don’t know how to keep anyone in my life.

It’s taken almost 6 years for me to relax enough to believe my wife will, in fact, stick around.

But at this point in time, I’ve realized, on a note I just keep getting really sad over, that the bits of friendship I’ll get to experience with people, will be brief, snippets, and frankly, only if I am providing something they’re not getting.

I’m essentially the magazine next to the toilet when you have a bad bad stomach bug and your phones dead.

Man’s that’s.. probably my own doing. I know I’m a lot of woe is me in here. And it’s a post talking to me, so I’m indulging in it. I absolutely can’t out loud or in life. I’m working on just.. trying to feel instead of ignoring it. Per my therapists suggestions. So I feel fucking overwhelmed, sad, and alone. Isolated. Heavily.

Ignorance is bliss for real. I wish I wasn’t so aware that I was the friend you go to when all options are down and you’re bored. When you are in a bind and need a safe spot (I don’t mind that one but it does suck that it’s the only time some folks pop back in or up). That if I’m not working then no one even has a small little want to just say hi. I wish I had people who just wanted to say hi because they just.. missed me? I gues?

I wish I knew how to be better as a person and a friend. I thought I was making strides on that. I really had. And yet.

Here I am. Just.

Bitching to the void. Becuase my wife doesn’t need me to add more to her life with her father (finally back from the hospital after surgery) and his health concerned along with everyone else’s and the own sets of ordeals here. I don’t need her to fret over me.

She’s needed distraction and I’ve left her alone for a couple weeks now to her drawing. Probably one of the best things I did do for her was clean up a space for a literal drawing room for her. She’s happier for it. People compliment her art and she rather enjoys the well deserved attention.

I personally would love to have her around more. But I’m having a lot of bad shit days. Weeks at this point. And I’m using my energy to be useful in setting the table or doing the dishes, the cats, playing with the nephew, etc.

All I want to do is sleep.

Frankly. I’m tired of waking up.

But for her. I will.