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hologramcowboy · 2 years

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I just have to agree with that anon who responded to the rude ask you got who was clearly an AA. I wanted to share my own AA experience with you and that anon because that anon is one hundred percent correct, and that anon, you, and I are not alone in these types of AA experiences. It is the AA's that drive real fans away.

I have been a fan of Jensen for years, I saw him in other projects he did before and then outside of SPN. I never got into the SPN fandom though. Not until recently when I started coming on here more. I also thought I was surrounded by pretty easygoing normal Jensen fans until I made the mistake one day of saying respectfully that I didn't like how he told the story about Jessica Alba in the IOY podcast. It just didn't sit right with me. It had a very frat boy type of vibe to it to me (and I have known guys like that who turned out to be real dicks and it just sounded way too familiar) and it left a bad taste in my mouth. I said it on my blog, thinking it was my blog and I could share my thoughts that most likely people were going to ignore and I even thought I could tag his name on it on here because that's how I was organizing my blog at the time. As you can imagine, big mistake. Huge.

It was like I got a running start and punted a coked out hornet's nest. I couldn't even keep up with the asks I was getting. I got a few civil ones explaining to me why they didn't agree with me or maybe I could look at it another way which is fine, but the rest. The rest were just awful. I got called all kinds of names, and when I say names I'm not talking elementary school 'you're a moron'. I'm talking really nasty names, and almost targeted attacks. I was told how dare I side with a bully and abuser like Jessica Alba and Michael Weatherly, that I must be a bully and abuser myself, that I must be a misandrist, that I was a fake Jensen fan who was only pretending to be a fan of his to bait people in when really I must be a Jared fan (which is a hilarious thing to say because I've been equally critical of Jared in the past as well and ended up just being uninvolved in anything with him and Misha and the cast, Jensen was really the only one I followed since I had followed his pre-SPN career), how dare I tell Jensen how to feel and how he can share his stories of abuse (I was then called an abuser again), that I better take down the post or else (I didn't), that I should change my blog name since Jensen's heavily featured on my blog (I also didn't; fuck them), that I should be ashamed to be saying such things, there must be something wrong with me, and on and on and on. Some asks I responded to, some I just outright deleted because they were so awful.

I debated deleting my blog after that because I just didn't want to deal with that type of toxic and vile behavior. But I chose not to because I actually do know what it's like to be bullied, even before this incident, and I refuse to give those assholes what they want. So I kept the post up, kept it tagged under Jensen's name, kept my blog, and refused to back down to these Jensen groupie wannabes. I am allowed to say what I think. Just like everyone else. When I tell you that when I made that post, I was the most polite and respectful of Jensen that I could be while saying what he said and the way he told it didn't sit right with me. I never once was negative towards him and some of those asks claimed I said things that I didn't, which showed that they hadn't read the full thing, they only saw "Jensen" and "I don't agree with what he said" and they flipped their shit and just went into immediate attack mode. It got to such a point that I turned my asks off and I didn't want to see anything Jensen-related show up on my dashboard, I didn't want to go into his tag to see any new content related to him, I didn't want to see his face in anything or hear or see his name, nada. That was nothing against the man himself, it was all of his "truly dedicated fans" aka the deranged AA's who have taken their parasocial relationships way too far. (and they think they know the real him; newsflash people, no one knows the real him outside of those closest to him, everything else is a public persona)

When I didn't delete my blog and slowly started to come back on here, I started checking out the Jensen critical tag and even the anti tag more and more. Not because I hate the guy or want to be negative about him but blogs like yours actually allow safe spaces for people to civilly talk about if he says or does something that they don't agree with or even if they just want to ask your opinion and maybe have a discussion about it or get a second opinion. Jensen's actual tag on here is so full of the blind worship and objectification of him, it's sickening. It might be a decent fan making a decent post about how Jensen looks good at a con that weekend, but I end up automatically sneering at it or rolling my eyes which is obviously not his fault or that one fan's, but it's the Jensen is a god crowd that I can't stand.

I'm telling you all of this because ever since that incident I have been keeping up with your blog as one of the few I keep up with regularly as well as the tags (especially during this prequel business) just to see some differing perspectives that sometimes closely echo my own, and I can absolutely say that while you might share your opinion no matter what (which you have every right to do, this is your blog), you have been very fair and you have made it obvious that you do hope for his wellbeing and success if they come through healthy routes. So this accusation from this AA is ridiculous. Because anyone who follows your blog with some regularity knows that's a bullshit claim they made.

And a little food for thought, I've encountered some extreme Jared stans before when I was critical of Jared in the past, and while they were not nice messages I received and there was some namecalling (more of the elementary kind), I never once felt so attacked to the point that I felt I might need to delete my blog and get off this site. If anything, I laughed it off but also stood my ground, stated my opinion, and told them if they didn't like it to block me. Not justifying their behavior at all, but now having dealt with extreme Jared stans vs AA's, I can tell you that the AA experience was absolutely worse, and I find myself gravitating towards the pro-Jared minded people (not the stans, I stay away from all self-proclaimed stans now as much as I can, no celebrities should have stans in my opinion) and trying to get away from the pro-Jensen minded people. Especially now that the scales have been removed from my eyes let's say and the AA's really do make it all about how Jensen needs to conquer everyone in Hollywood and how hot he is, and how badly some of them want to be Danneel that they'll overlook her own bad behavior and stan her too. Standom of real people is a slippery slope, I really do believe that especially now.

I'm still a fan of Jensen's, just like you, but I don't look the other way when he says something problematic or does something that has me questioning what is going on behind the scenes. It also doesn't make me want to attack anyone for having those very same valid questions and thought processes. So regardless of whether Jensen continues on this current path he's on or not, it absolutely is the AA's that drive the real Jensen fans away, if not into the shadows like myself. I wish the best for Jensen (even if say he stopped acting altogether or got out of the limelight for a while or decided he just wants to run the brewery for his life or whatever) and the guy is human, but so are we and if we have to take accountability for our mistakes, learn from them, and grow, then so does he, no matter his name or his looks or his career. I don't think it's a hateful statement to say that. Isn't that where we've been moving as a society these days? Holding people in power accountable for their words and actions? I don't know, I'm just rambling now I guess. But regardless, your opinion is not wrong and it's legitimate. That's my whole point. And AA's can sincerely fuck off into their hateful mad little corner where Danneel will never thank them for drooling over her husband while pretending to support her or be in love with her or whatever and Jensen will never thank them for fighting imaginary battles on the internet and attacking others in his name.

Keep being amazing, doll.

It's heartbreaking that AAs are so extreme that they end up mobbing people like you who genuinely love Jensen. I don't think you can truly love anyone without also being in touch with their not so perfect traits, AAs run on mania about Jensen instead of grounding themselves with balanced views so it's no surprise they become so irrational, their amygdala is hijacked by infatuation so they get super triggered whenever someone contradicts the perfect (and fake) image they created in their heads. What's worse is their expectations reach Jensen who might suffer greatly because he has to live up to unreachable standards. We've seen him make so many self-aggrandizing comment about himself because he's buying into his own hype but living up to that image people created isn't easy. I don't even care what those fans wanted they had no right to bully you like that, your blog is under no obligation to live up to their model of reality. They need to mind their own business and stay in their own lane, all they are doing is creating toxicity. AAs and hellers keep trying to demonize Jared fans by making up all sorts of lies, in my experience, Jared fans are very open to discussion and love Jared's flaws but also call him out when needed. They defend him due to death threats and stuff like that but even if they get into misunderstandings with you, they know how to discuss things in intelligent ways. Perhaps I am lucky, I know some amazing Jared fans who genuinely love him and do so in balanced ways. I am very grateful for that. I don't care what group people belong to as long as they can treat others with humanity so I hope one day to be able to interact with Jensen fans the same way I can interact with Jared fans. For now, I keep my distance from Jensen groups for the very same reasons you mentioned. "I wish the best for Jensen (even if say he stopped acting altogether or got out of the limelight for a while or decided he just wants to run the brewery for his life or whatever) and the guy is human, but so are we and if we have to take accountability for our mistakes, learn from them, and grow, then so does he, no matter his name or his looks or his career. I don't think it's a hateful statement to say that. Isn't that where we've been moving as a society these days? Holding people in power accountable for their words and actions?" The above paragraph is so far from rambling, Anon, it's pure brilliance, we're shifting as people and evolving, I hope AAs get in line with that someday instead of holding others back. I hope Jensen listens to the voice of reason within him and not to their empty praise which is full of objectification because that will lead him away from his inner wisdom and into ego which is extremely off-putting in any setting, let alone in HW. I loved reading this and thank you so much for your moving words. Sending you so much love.

#anti AAs #anti hateful jensen fans #anti fandom despots #love my anons

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cherry-toxic · 3 years

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Fic writer questions!

I was tagged by @introvertia - thank you so much :) Your answers were really interesting!

How many works do you have on AO3?

Only 8

What's your total AO3 wordcount?

141754

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Four: Beyblade (gen fics mostly), Shizaya (Durarara), Grimmichi (Bleach), and Harringrove (Stranger Things).

I usually sit in a fandom for a quite a while before I actually start writing anything. I'm amazed by those people who can get stuck in right away (how do you do it!?!)

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1. end the fight; before the fight ends you

2. Bound to Happen

3. Year of You

4. Broken Boys and Butterflies

5. So come take a drink (And drown your sorrows)

All Harringrove aside from 'Bound to Happen' - which I'm rather surprised came in second because the Grimmichi fandom is waaaaay smaller than the Harringrove fandom.

'end the fight...' is also the only wip here. The rest are completed one-shots.

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

Yes and no. It depends. I want to respond because comments really do mean a lot to me and I love rambling with people, but I have issues with online communication. Like, sometimes I write out a response and when I read it back to myself my brain just goes 'no that's terrible you sound like an idiot delete it now' and then I go 'yessir you're completely right how silly of me.'

When it comes to wips, I tend to reply to every comment when I'm getting ready to post the next chapter, that way it's like a little heads-up - new stuff incoming soon!

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

Y'know as much as I love angst I actually prefer to have my fics end on a relatively positive note (angst with a happy ending is my shit).

But I suppose 'So come take a drink (And drown your sorrows)' is overall pretty angsty and I left the ending open so if I ever felt like continuing it I could do so easily.

Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you've ever written?

Big nah. Kind of like AU fics, they just don't interest me that much.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Yes, but it came from someone who was just making the rounds on a bunch of Harringrove fics and they were highly suspected to be an anti so it didn't really bother me that much because I knew they were trolling.

I've had a few like, vague comments/back-handed compliments that got under my skin a bit though.

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

Yes, occasionally I do. Generally I'd say I'm pretty vanilla, but I am currently writing an a/b/o fic, though I think it might go under non-traditional a/b/o because, again, vanilla lol

My smut usually comes with a lot of introspection, like they'll be doing the deed and one of them will be internally streaming a 5000+ word monologue (I do this with Grimmjow sometimes because he's a big virgin who views sex as silly human nonsense).

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Parts of a fic, yes. I came across this fic that was clearly plagiarizing from several different authors (they forgot to change the characters names and everything) and I found entire paragraphs that were copy/pasted straight from one of my fics.

The thing is, this was over 10 years ago, something I wrote when I was... seventeen, maybe? So... I don't get why they copied it because it was pretty bad to be honest...

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes, an old one called '10 Miles in Your Shoes' (beyblade) although it was never completed because well, firstly, I never completed the original, and secondly, when the translator asked me how long I was planning on it being I said around 20-30k and uhhh... lets just say I overshot that by a mile!

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No. While I think it would be interesting to try I honestly don't know if I could give up control like that!

What’s your all time favorite ship?

Hard to say because I tend to go for characters over ships. Like, I got into Grimmichi because of Grimmjow and Harringrove because of Billy.

But since Grimmjow is my all-time favourite character then, I guess Grimmichi, but Harringrove is definitely a close second because the fandom has spoiled me rotten with all their amazing fics (in terms of reading material, Harringrove is my fav).

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

'10 Miles in Your Shoes' - the bodyswap fic.

It's been a long time since I engaged with anything related to beyblade but I have a lot of fondness for this fic because it was the second I ever started writing and it was the fic that allowed me to truly grow as a writer. There's a huge improvement from the first to the most recent chapter (most recent being 5 years ago...) to the point where it looks like it could have been written by two different people, and I received so much positive feedback and encouragement throughout those years. I wish I had it in me to go back and finish it off but I struggle enough while writing for my current obsessions so it's looking more and more unlikely...

At the very least, I think I might transfer it to AO3 since ff.net seems to be slowly going under. Even if I never complete it, I don't want it lost forever.

What are your writing strengths?

This might sound ridiculous but I don't know? I always feel like I'm winging everything!!

I guess. One thing I've been complimented on a lot is my ability to portray messy (for lack of a better word) situations in a realistic way. I've been asked a few times if I've ever studied psychology and -

Nope

Just winging it!

What are your writing weakness?

EDITING!!!

I really should get a beta because I miss so many stupid little mistakes, like - okay - I always used to write in past tense, it was never something I even thought about, past tense was just the default. And then suddenly, around 2017/18, I began transitioning to present tense completely unconsciously and now every time I re-read 'Bound to Happen' I get angry because I bounced between tenses all the way through that fic and I didn't even notice until a year after I posted it.

Also. Incredibly slow. Lack of consistency. Perfectionist until I get stuck and then I feel like you can spot exactly where I lost momentum. Utterly hopeless when it comes to descriptions of setting/scenery. I don't think I'm very good at building atmosphere either. Dialogue, although I am improving at that.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I can't say I really have any thoughts on this? I don't do it much myself.

What was the first fandom you ever wrote for?

Beeeeyblaaade! I was fifteen when I wrote my very first fic (now deleted because it was awful!)

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Oh god, this is hard!

If we're talking completed fics only, then probably 'Year of You'. That was my I-Do-Not-Accept-Billy's-Death fic but I WILL take all of the angst material from S3 and ride it hard.

If we're including wips, then both 'end the fight...' and 'metamorphosis' are probably my favourites right now.

'End the fight...' is my BIG Billy redemption fic which I started plotting out not long after S2 and there's so many scenes I'm looking forward to writing (yeah I know its been a while since i last updated but the past year has been rough okay)

'Metamorphosis' is the a/b/o fic which I was kind of nervous about at first because its not a trope that i read a lot of but i'm enjoying how its turning out so far!

Whew! That was a lot!

I'm tagging: firstly, whoever wants to do it because I like reading about peoples writing experiences (make sure to tag me!) And then: @shadowthorne @bentnotbroken1fanfiction @callieb @backwardshirt @memes-saved-me @murderlight @magniloquent-raven @aeon-of-neon @louhetar

#tag game #fanfiction #my fics #grimmichi #harringrove

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machine-gun-casie · 5 years

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Radio Interview

you just love talking about your boyfriend, machine gun kelly, and zach sang is not complaining.

a/n: if yall havent seen zach sang’s stuff on youtube i definitely recommend you do so, he is so lovely and such a good interviewer.

also thankyou so much to @harringtonstudios for reading it for me and @fandom-central27 deserves some credit for helping me brainstorm and make this fic sooo much longer than it was going to be in the first place

wc: 4.6k

“Hello! Welcome to the Zach Sang show! Today I have with me the oh so lovely y/n l/n. Thank you for coming.” Zach introduced you, officially starting the radio broadcast.

You smiled and leaned back on the couch. “Thank you for having me. You’ve got such a comfy studio, man. It’s so great. A bit chilly though, wish I brought a blanket.” You laughed, shivering a little. The place was so comfy, bean bags everywhere. They had you and your mic set up on a really nice gray couch.

“Yeah, the ac’s been going crazy. We’ll get you a blanket though.” Zach motioned to someone outside of the studio.

"No it’s alright.” As soon as the words left your mouth, an assistant entered with a fluffy white blanket. “You know what, I can’t really say no to that.” You laughed.

“Alright, now that we’re all wrapped up and cozy. Hey, how are you?” Zach smiled warmly, his bubbly personality shining through instantly.

“I’m really really good, thank you for asking. I’ve been in a really good place recently. How about you?”

Zach sighed and rolled his eyes. “You know, going through some stuff. But it’s all good. If things aren’t meant to be, they aren’t meant to be.”

“Oh no.” You frowned. “You got some relationship trouble, huh? Yeah, my philosophy is the same, to be honest. Can’t force something that isn’t in the cards for you.”

“I agree one hundred percent. But you gotta have some good relationship advice for me. I mean, your relationship seems to be flourishing.” Zach smiled. You felt the blood rushing to your cheeks. Everyone knew it was going to come to this. You wouldn’t even be surprised if the whole interview was going to be about this.

“Maybe.” You smiled, hands coming up to hide your blushing face.

“Oh come on now, you’re definitely not this shy on your socials.” Zach teased.

“Yeah, but that’s different, man. That’s not like, face to face. Do we really gotta talk about this?” Your nervous laughter made your comment light, letting the radio show host know you were kidding.

“You know we have to. You and Machine Gun Kelly. Who knew? Like, the biggest shock of the year so far.” Zach laughed. “You and him are so different. You’re like America’s pop sensation sweetheart right now. And he’s a rockstar!”

“I know! I thought no way would he even give me the time of the day!” You giggled.

“But I read that you were a big fan before even meeting him. Is that true?”

“Oh definitely! Most people look at me and my career and they immediately label me a pop fan, but it’s not true. I mean, I obviously love pop, but I can like other things too. I’ve been part of the EST family for a while now.” You clarified.

“And EST, that’s Kelly’s fan base, is that correct?”

“Yeah, it is.”

“Now, how the hell did y’all meet? It was so sudden for the rest of us. How could your paths have crossed?” Zach laughed.

“It’s kind of a long story...” You trailed off.

“And I am so very willing to listen.” Zach smiled. It wasn’t even like he was interviewing you, it was like he was your best friend and he wanted all the details.

“Well, a while ago, I was the musical guest on SNL.” You explained.

Zach’s eyes lit up. “Yes! I remember that, you were great. That was almost a year ago! Has this been going on for that long?”

“Kind of.” You shrugged, giggling. Zach rolled his eyes and continued.

“Anyways, you did uhh two songs at SNL, right? You did ‘Hold Me’ and what was the other one?”

“I did ‘Hold me’ and I did ‘PDA’. It was so much fun. I even got to be in one of the sketches, but like only in the background. Honestly a dream come true.” You gleamed. Having been a fan of SNL since your childhood, the statement was definitely true. But you might have been trying to steer the subject away a little and Zach caught on.

“Yes, and I don’t doubt that. But I wanna hear more about the love story.”

“Alright, alright, I’m sorry.” You laughed. “So, the week before the live show, as a guest star, you have to go to the writers. You only really go if you’re in the sketches, and I wasn’t really, but I begged them to go. I wanted to see the whole process. And I knew of Pete Davidson working there obviously.”

“And Pete is friends with Kelly, right?” Zach asks, clarifying the storyline in his head and for the listeners.

“Yeah, they’re insanely close. So I go into Pete’s office, right? And I know he’s friends with him obviously. So I try to casually mention that I’m a fan, not only of Colson, but also of Pete himself.” You laugh and Zach knows where it's going.

“Did the casual approach work out for you?” He laughs.

“I’m not quite sure.” You giggle. “I was super nervous and sweaty. I’m pretty sure I stuttered throughout the whole thing. But Pete is the coolest person ever and such a good friend that he was just excited I was a fan of Colson’s. So we started planning. He says he can try to put me in the back of a sketch wearing some merch for the new album.”

“And Hotel Diablo had just come out back then, right?”

“Yes, and I was super into it, but I didn’t have any merch. So Pete said he would hook me up.”

“Did you expect to be able to meet Kelly after this whole plan?”

“I honestly expected to leave with some new merch and that’s it.” You laughed. “But to my surprise, Colson came on the Saturday of. Pete had told him about me being a fan and he wanted to surprise me.”

“How surprised were you, on a scale of one to ten?”

“Like, one billion.” You gushed. “I don’t remember much of the encounter, but I remember him hugging me and I was definitely crying.”

“Oh yeah, I saw the video. Full on blubbering.” Zach laughed.

You gasped. “There’s a video? You have to send it to me. Anyways, his daughter was there too and she asked for a picture. I said okay, but I’m sure I looked so bad in it. Like, mascara all down my red cheeks. So I go home and Colson follows me back on Instagram the next day.”

“Did you slide into the dm’s?” Zach smirked.

“You know I did. I had to! But I was fully expecting to be ignored.”

“As one does.”

“Exactly. But he replied and we started chatting. It didn’t really feel real. Like texting him and stuff, I was chill. Because it felt so fake. At that point, I used to live in New York, so it was only really texting. We face-timed a few times, which also felt surreal. Then he came to New York to surprise me and I freaked. Seeing him in the flesh again brought back the same excitement.”

“At this point, was it official?”

“Not really, like we kept telling everyone we were just friends. And it hadn’t gotten to the press yet, and we wanted to keep it like that, so only close friends knew. But I was smitten. We both knew it was going somewhere, but we were being gentle with it.”

“Yeah, the concept of new relationships is so fragile. Sometimes you both want to dive in but you don’t know if you should.” Zach rationed, voicing his thoughts.

“That’s what it felt like, to be honest. But after that first stage, it just became so incredibly easy for us.”

“Not surprisingly, because you are known to be a complete romantic. I mean, all your songs and your whole aesthetic. Your album is literally called ‘Love Love’.” Zach chuckled. “Tell me about that, the process of naming the album and writing the songs and all that. How did you know it was going to focus directly on love?”

You let out a breath and tried to organize your thoughts to form proper words. “I’ve always been so in love with love, so I knew it just had to be centered around that. Like not just romantic love, even platonic love. Some of the songs, well most of the songs on the album, are about platonic love. I had never had a serious relationship until Colson really, so my understanding of romantic love was very minimal.”

“Really? I would have never guessed. The way you write about love seems like it comes from vast experience.”

“Yeah, it was experience in platonic love. In all of my friendships, I always put my all into it, which isn’t always right. But it’s just the way I am. So when a friendship ends, it truly feels like a heart break.”

“So your song ‘No Longer’ isn’t about a relationship?”

“No, it’s about a friend I had. A best friend, actually. We were so close, people actually thought we were dating. But something happened between us and it was so painful. I have so many songs written about that, but some are so specific that the person and what they did would no longer be secret. It wouldn’t be right, you know?”

“I completely understand, sometimes things are just for yourself.”

“Yeah, exactly.”

“The song that most resonated with fans was ‘I’m (Not) Crying For You’. Did you know it was going to be this well loved?”

“Yeah, they went crazy over that one. I didn’t think it would be this popular at all. Since ‘PDA’ and ‘Hold Me’ were like the singles with the music videos, I thought those would be the hits if there were any. But yeah, people really loved ‘I’m (Not) Crying For You’.”

“Can you explain the song and what it means to you?”

“I would love to. As a teenager, whenever I would lose a friend, I would always turn to break up songs. I always felt like the lyrics depicting the end of a relationship worked with friendships as well, but it was annoying to me.”

“Why annoying?”

“Because they aren’t about friendships. They’re about relationships. And I did relate, but not to every line. Cause some lyrics would mention like marriage and sex and those things aren’t related to friendships. I didn’t like the fact that I had to pick and choose the lyrics that spoke to me.”

“So this song is for everyone. I love that.”

“Yeah, I tried to keep it as vague as possible so that anyone going through the end of something could relate. And with the end of anything, you always want to seem like you’re doing fine to the other person. Like, make them think that them leaving hasn’t affected you. So you know, I don’t want them to see me cry. But if they do, they should know that the tears aren’t for them, when in reality they are.”

“Yeah, I noticed that. It’s a great hype song, though. Like it has sad lyrics, but the beat and everything really makes it feel like it’s meant to get over someone.”

“Yeah, it is! I love hype songs where it’s like ‘Fuck you, I don’t need you anymore!’ I drew a lot of inspiration from songs like that.”

“What’s your hype song? Everyone has that one song after someone screws them over.”

“Mine is actually ‘The Break Up’ by Kells. I have every lyric to that song seared into my brain.” You laughed.

“Really?” Zach asked, raising his eyebrows and letting out a laugh.

“Yeah, I play it when I’m getting my makeup done before performances. Colson thought it was hilarious.”

“I think it’s adorable. Literally relationship goals.” Zach exclaimed. “Alright, another one of your songs that I love is ‘Tattoo’. That one just speaks to me.” Zach smiled, looking so incredibly genuine.

“Really?” You gleamed. “That’s one of my favorites. I just love tattoos, the idea of having something on your body forever is just so romantic to me. Not even matching tattoos or anything. Just the ink itself.”

“Me too! But you don’t have any, right?”

“I just got my first one!” You smiled. You got your first tattoo with Colson about a week prior. “Well, I actually got 2. Very small, though. Not really noticeable. I love those small one needle tattoos, I find them to be so pretty.”

“When did you get them done?” Zach asked. “Because I remember you once said in an interview that you had none.”

“Yeah, I got them a week ago with Colson.” You rolled your eyes as you could almost see the headlines. “Now everyone’s gonna be like ‘Machine Gun Kelly ruined me’ or something.”

“Obviously not, but yeah I know what you mean. Headlines and tabloids are just awful. But he has to have influenced you somehow, right. Two incredibly different personalities coming together. Are your personalities super different or is it just superficial?”

“Yes and no. Outwardly, we both have very different personalities. But when it comes down to it, I feel like we aren’t the same but we work well together. He makes me laugh and he helps me heal. Overall, he just makes me a better person. And he’s so impulsive at times and I feel like I need that.”

“How-how is he impulsive in ways that you need? How can impulsivity help a relationship?” Zach asked.

You hummed, looking at your hands. “I second guess a lot and then I regret it. Last week we were talking at like 3 in the morning about my song ‘Tattoo’, actually.” You motioned your hands to Zach because you were previously discussing the same thing. “He asked me why I didn’t have any if I loved them so much, and I didn’t have an answer. So he called over his artist the next day, and I definitely don’t regret what I got so far.”

Zach looked over at you, as if he was trying to find them and you laughed. “No, you can’t see them. I mean, I can show you?”

“Yes, please do.”

“I got one on my ribs, like on the side. I’ll show you a picture of that. And I got one on my head.” You explained as you took out your phone and looked through your camera roll.

“Woah, you went hard for your first tattoos!” Zach exclaimed. “Isn’t the pain worse the closer you are to the bone?”

“Yeah, yeah it is. It’s what I’ve read anyways. But they were quick, because like I said, they're very small. No shading or anything.” You found the picture and turned your phone to Zach. “I got ‘Love Love’ on my ribs, in the same font as the album cover, but super small. And the other one is under my hair. I had to shave a square off.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, but it doesn’t show unless I pull my hair up at a specific place.” You turned and lifted your hair. “It’s ‘Hotel Diablo’ surrounded by a little border in Colson’s handwriting. He got the same one back when the album came out, in the same place too.”

“So they’re matching?”

“Yeah, he got ‘Love Love’, too. A lot of people online always say to never get matching tattoos, but I don’t really care. Even if it doesn’t work out, which I hope isn’t the case, ‘Hotel Diablo’ is one of my favorite albums and has helped me grow as a person. I just hope he doesn’t regret the one he got for me.” You laughed.

“Does he like your album? He doesn’t seem to be much of a pop guy.”

"He used to tease me when we first started talking about how he would never listen to it and all that. But he was actually like analyzing the songs.”

“No way! That is cute, relationship goals again! Man, you guys are unbelievable.”

“Yeah, he surprised me. But as a fellow artist and songwriter, he knew that he could probably find out a lot about me just through my songs.”

“And did he? Do you see him do something for you and you think ‘he did that because of this song or that song’?”

“Sometimes.” You ponder. “But he and I are just on the same wavelength, I feel. He takes one look at me and he knows what to do. It’s insane.” You chuckled.

“On the topic of songs, have you written any about him? Has he written anything about you?”

“Oh, I’ve definitely written about him. I’ve got like dozens. Shit, he doesn’t know that.” You realized. “Fuck, I hope he’s not listening. Anyways, I don’t think he’s written anything about me. When he’s high as fuck though, he freestyles about everything. He’s written a song about asking me to do some... things that I will not say on camera. He’s just always spittin’ fire. The talent that that man possesses is mind blowing.”

“Watching him come up with it must be incredible.”

You nodded your head vigorously. “One hundred percent. He’s got a home studio, and some days we just never leave that place. I don’t even need to be writing or recording anything, I just sit and watch him. I’ve been around many a songwriter in my time on this earth, but I’ve never seen one work like this man does.”

“Let me just say, you are absolutely glowing when you talk about him and your album.” Zach smiled.

“Thank you! Like I said, I’m in a really good place right now. This album really made me feel like I took a lot off my shoulders. Like I put all those emotions out there and they’re no longer weighing on me. And Colson… Well, Colson’s just Colson.” You smiled.

“Speaking of your boyfriend, I’m getting a message that he’s coming into the studio.” Zach said as he looked at his phone.

“What?” You asked, sitting up on the couch and looking towards the door. A few seconds later, your tall, lanky boyfriend walked in.

“Hey! Hope I’m not crashing or anything.” Colson smiled, jumping over the back of the couch to sit next to you.

“Well you kind of are. This is my interview. You said you’d pick me up when I was done.” You pouted.

“Don’t give me that cute ass pout. Thought I’d come a little earlier, besides you’ve been mainly talking about me.” He smirked, sending you a wink.

“That is very true.” Zach said. “She can’t stop, but I am not complaining.”

“Ugh, don’t encourage him.” You groaned playfully. “I’m never gonna hear the end of this.”

“Nope.” Colson agreed, excited to tease you about it later. “I’m sorry, Zach, for just crashing like this.”

“No, it’s alright! Make yourself at home. I’m sure everyone who’s tuned in is incredibly surprised. How are you, Machine Gun Kelly?”

“Kells is fine. I know the whole thing can be a mouthful.” Colson chuckled. “I’m doing great. Got a really inflated ego after hearing you guys praising me all morning.”

“We have been, haven’t we? But I would say that’s mostly y/n’s fault, to be honest.” Zach pointed at you, throwing you under the bus.

“Hey, don’t put it all on me! You asked the questions!” You exclaimed, laughing along. You turned to Colson and pulled him in closer. “Don’t listen to him, he just wants to get on your good side.”

Colson laughed and draped his arm around your shoulders, tucking you into his side. You reached out and placed the blanket over his legs as you cuddled into him. “It’s alright, if you were interviewing me, I would’ve done the same thing.”

“Now you guys are just making me jealous.” Zach scoffed. “So Kells, please tell us your side of the story of how you two met.”

“Alright, only two people know about this story. So this is incredibly valuable information.” Colson started out. You expected to be one of the two people, so you were shocked when he didn’t say your name. “Pete and my daughter.”

“What?” You exclaimed. “I’m in the story, how do I not know?”

“It’s before the SNL show, like when Pete told me about you. I never told you how that went down.”

“Oh my God, I’m all ears. Go ahead.” You said, turning to face Colson as he told the story.

“Alright, so I was in New York with my daughter that weekend. I had some business and I was going back home on Sunday, so I brought her along. We were already going to the SNL show before Pete told me about y/n. I knew she was performing, though.”

“You did?” You asked, eyes wide. He kept up with you before meeting you? “Sorry, sorry, continue.”

“Yeah, I did. Casie is a big fan of y/n and her music, so she was really excited about going. I had heard y/n’s songs before, you know on the radio and whenever I would drive with my daughter and she would put on her own music. So I knew the name, but I had never seen a picture of her. When Pete told me he wanted me to come and meet her, I looked her up.”

“Oh no.” You gasped, knowing that your general aesthetic would have probably deterred him from meeting you.

Colson looked back at you when he said his next sentence. “I was like ‘How can this adorable Disney princess looking chick be into my music?’ I couldn’t believe it.”

“Oh my God.” You groaned, bringing your hand up to cover your blushing face.

“No, I’m serious. But I couldn’t stop looking at pictures of her. I wanted to follow her, but I didn’t wanna ruin the surprise. My daughter was teasing me, telling me that I had to get her number during the show. I didn’t of course, like the idiot that I am. But I did follow her on Instagram the next day. Pete was smug the whole time, though.”

“Of course he would be.” You rolled your eyes and snorted. “But I mean, we have to thank him for all of this. Without him, we probably wouldn’t have met.”

“No, we would have. I was still going to go to the show. We would have seen each other and Casie would have still asked for a picture.” Colson said.

“True, but you and I both know we wouldn’t have talked beyond that. I would’ve been too nervous to say anything.” You replied.

“Oh yeah, definitely. I would have been too taken aback by your beauty to say anything either.” Colson nodded.

“Oh shut up!” You laughed, hitting his chest.

“And how did your daughter react to the blooming relationship?” Zach asked Colson.

“She’s usually like, indifferent about my relationships. But this time, she wanted all the updates. When I told her I would be flying back to New York a few weeks later to surprise y/n, she begged me to come with. But I had to leave her, you know?”

“Yeah, of course. Quality time with your S/O is rare when you have a kid.” Zach replied.

“Tell me about it! And then this crazy busy job, too. You’ve got no free time. I finally had a free week and I knew I had to go see this one or it wouldn’t have gone anywhere.” Colson said, pulling you closer when mentioning you.

“And did you, Colson, think you two were gonna end up together?” Zach asked.

“I was hoping so!” Colson laughed. “I was gonna hit her up, but she beat me to it. I was gonna try to get with her, but I didn’t think she would like me. But I’m so glad she did. Don’t know how I lived without her.” Colson looked into your eyes as he spoke, smiling like the love sick doofus that he is.

“Aw, now how long have you been together for? The world’s only known for about a month now, right?” Zach asked.

“Yeah, we posted on Instagram on the 29th of last month. So a little less than a month.” You said, looking at Colson for confirmation.

“Yeah, we waited for a long time. But we’ve been together going on 9 months now.” Colson said and you nodded.

“Woah, that’s crazy! How did you manage to keep it a secret for so long?” Zach wondered, as the length of the relationship was surprising.

“It was hard, I can tell you that.” You chuckled. “ Colson would always post about his ‘secret girlfriend’ and all that. Like, pictures of us holding hands and stuff. It was easy for him, he could just crop my face out. But for me, it was much harder.” You sighed.

“Oh my God, it would have been so hard with all his tattoos!” Zach exclaimed when he understood your struggle.

“Yeah, I got so many tattoos. Anyone could just look it up and find out. But she would post sometimes like, really strategic pictures. I was amazed at how she could do it. But it made it easier that people knew we were in a relationship to keep it a secret. Like, they knew I had a girl, but they didn’t know who it was.”

“Yeah, exactly. Like I just had to keep his name a secret, not the fact that I had a boyfriend. It wouldn’t have been a secret for too long if it was like that ‘cause I never shut up about him.” You laughed.

“Yes, I remember those cryptic tweets all the time. All the tabloids were about y/n l/n’s secret boyfriend.” Zach laughed.

“It was so funny watching everyone scramble trying to find out who he was. But I’m so glad we’re done with that now.” You sighed, placing your hand on Colson’s chest.

“So am I, we wouldn’t have had this interview if you guys didn’t go public. That was truly a fairytale kind of love story.” Zach sighed. “I loved talking to you guys so much.”

“Aw, thank you Zach. I can’t believe our time together has come to an end. I hope I didn’t bore you, we barely talked about the album.” You laughed. “This interview was more about Machine Gun Kelly than it was about me.”

“No, definitely not. I learned so much about you guys today. And about love as a whole.” Zach laughed. “Now I know what a loving and healthy relationship looks like. I hope we can have you here another time, y/n. And maybe have Kells come for an interview of his own?”

“Definitely, man. We can sort that out, I’ll tell my manager.” Colson nodded at Zach.

“I would love crashing that interview.” You joked, causing everyone to laugh. “But in all seriousness, you are so good at interviewing people, Zach. Just felt like a conversation with a lifelong friend.”

“Oh yeah, for sure.” Colson agreed. “Some interviewers feel too pushy and just overall fake. Not you, though.”

“Aww, you’re too nice. You guys were just really easy to talk to. Thank you for coming, y/n. And thank you for joining us, Kells.”

“Thank you for having us, it’s been so fun.” You answered.

“It definitely was, but unfortunately, we only have so much time. Thank you to our wonderful audience for tuning in. This has been an interview with y/n l/n and Machine Gun Kelly, and here’s a word from our sponsor.”

@bakerkells

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kinetic-elaboration · 3 years

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100 Days of Writing: Days Seventeen and Nineteen

I’m doing two 100 Days of Writing ( @the-wip-project) today since I skipped Friday. I didn’t forget, but I just didn’t have anything to say so I didn’t say anything at all.

Tagging some fellow participants @she-who-the-river-could-not-hold, @hopskipaway, @thelittlefanpire, @easilydistractedbyfanfic, and @dylanobrienisbatman.

For Day 17, some general thoughts I’ve been trying to synthesize for a while:

I’ve felt on the verge of a breakthrough re: my writing thoughts/feelings but I need to work it out step by step.

First, the Sleeping Beauty AU does not spark joy, which isn’t such a thing in and of itself, but unfortunately, I can read it on the page. It’s rushed and disjointed, like I was just going through the motions to hit the necessary plot points and move on--which I was. This excessive sense of mechanically crossing off story beats is probably also what tripped me up the last time I tried to write. I get so obsessed with how much I can get down and how fast I can knock it out... It’s neither fun nor healthy nor how I end up with actual good work.

I don’t think I’ll ever LOVE this fic but I still don’t want to give up on it. The best I can do is try to make my entire relationship to writing better.

Which relates to my second point. For a long while now, I’ve had these fantasies of, like, writing days: devoting long chunks of time to writing, as slowly as I want, without any rush or pressure. But then when I have days I could use for this purpose, I shy away from actually writing, which makes me wonder if I don’t want the fantasy at all. When I was on vacation, though, I did live that dream a few times, especially with editing and--ignoring that what I produced on my writing days was not so great--it worked, I think because I had a whole bunch of days off. It wasn’t like Be Creative Now Right Now Or Else.

Which matches with my sense that having to take such long breaks between writing sessions is creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of anxiety. A cycle of fear. The longer I don’t write, the harder it is to start, to believe I even know HOW. And at the same time, the longer it might be until I can write again, the more pressure I feel to do it RIGHT NOW or I’ll lose my chance. And it better be good too, it better be productive. And who wants that pressure? How is that fun? So I put it off, and the anxiety increases--now it’s been even longer, now I’m more out of practice, now I’ve wasted more time. So starting becomes even harder and the thought of creativity becomes even less fun.

This is going to be way easier said than done--I know because I’ve said it before--but putting all this together, I think I need dedicated writing time, at least a few days a week. I need the focus on the time, not the accomplishment. Maybe I’ll spend it editing, or maybe just thinking, or maybe writing stuff I scrap. The point is that I know there will be more time fairly soon, so any one session doesn’t need to be used in any particular way. I also want to shift my focus from what I am getting down to just time spent on the activity itself. I do this for fun but you’d NEVER be able to tell from what I say about it or the contents of my brain. And, it’s also true that bits of progress over time will get me farther than one big marathon session every... two months.

So, I know this isn’t so different from what I’ve been saying for a while, but basically, I need to integrate writing into my routine again. Somehow. Lol. The afternoons of in-library days are still my goal. I’m hoping that treating it as “devoted fun creativity time” and not “write 500 words or else, you useless slacker” time will make the difference.

The hardest parts are going to be, first, just getting back in the habit again and being forgiving of myself as I do it, and actually working on the Sleeping Beauty AU, which is just...hard. I could parse all the 198324328 reasons it’s hard but tl;dr it just is. I don’t think it’ll get less hard. I just want to continue making progress on it as well as I can because I don’t want to abandon it at this point.

For Day 19: How do you decide which WIP to work on?

So... I feel like I should know the answer to this but I don’t. I do a fair number, or used to do a fair number, of fandom events, and those come with deadlines, so they’re always a priority. Early in a fandom experience, I just have an idea and I run with it, because I’m excited about everything. So it’s really mostly about what is speaking to me at the moment or what I’m just arbitrarily most into. Sometimes it’s about what’s practical too: finishing something that’s fairly close to being done, for example.

Recently, I’ve had to make more actual choices, because I’m less inspired generally and I’m purposefully not doing events. Last summer, when I had really bad writers block, I would pick projects arbitrarily, just by chance, and write a little bit on one, a little on another. I didn’t get a whole lot done that way, though I did end up with some random 1k starts to things I probably would not have started otherwise, but it helped me avoid actually making decisions, which is what I wanted at the time. (Choice fatigue or whatever it’s called is real.)

Right now I’m choosing to concentrate on the Sleeping Beauty AU because it’s a very old WIP that is actually semi-close to being finished, at least in terms of percentage written/percentage left. And I really, really want to finish some WIPs. Is this a good idea? Honestly, I don’t even know anymore. But I don’t 100% trust myself to just follow my “inspiration” so I’m going to keep poking away at it.

#100 days of writing #100daysofwriting #my 100 days of writing #just tagging people in my breakdowns at this point lol #sorry fam

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vincent-g-writer · 4 years

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The Silver Screen Savant, pt 2- the Meh, the Bad and The yikes.

Hello Writers!

Last time here on Starry Starry Write, I talked a little about Autism in the media and my personal experiences therein. Today, I’d like to go a little broader, and tackle the topic from a macro perspective.

In recent times, you’ve probably heard “Representation Matters” oft repeated. Especially in prominent talking spaces like social media. But what does that mean, exactly?

Why “Representation Matters,” and how.

The short answer:

Diverse representation in media tells us that everyone has a place in the world. That everyone’s story matters.

The long answer:

It’s no secret that we begin engaging with media at a young age. When I was growing up in the 90’s and 00’s, TV and video games were often the babysitters of my peers. I was one of the few kids in my neighborhood whose parents weren’t divorced. The kids I knew? Not so much. Most of them were raised by single parents, grandparents and of course-the boob tube. I personally prefered books, when my mom wasn’t yelling “it’s too nice out to be holed up in that dark bedroom!”

Now, don’t mistake my preference for some kind of intellectual superiority. I watched plenty of TV too. Besides, books aren’t magically out of the equation. Printed material is our oldest form of media. And- often just as problematic. Though I will say- I saw a much broader range of people on covers adoring library shelves than I ever did titles on a TV roster. But, I digress. The point is: for many of us, consuming media begins at an early time of our life. And that’s where the problem starts. Even in my childhood, where The Magic School Bus, Hey Arnold, and Sesame Street showed people of all kinds, I can point to many that did not. Especially not people like me. Which did me a grave disservice. I didn’t know I was on the spectrum for a long time, and when I finally found out, I was horrified, thanks to what I had seen on TV.

Because media is not only a wonderful way to learn about people that don’t look, act or sound like us. It also informs our ideas of who we are, and what we can be. Whether we like it or not: it shapes how we understand the world. And it doesn’t stop with Childhood.

Time Changes Much, but not all.

Things are better now. Well, a little bit, anyway.

As an adult, I see more people like me on the screen nowadays. Which is nice.

Ish.

Why “ish?” Well…

Frequently, these “noticeably different” characters (read: Autistically coded) are branded “NOT AUTISTIC!” You heard it here first, folks! That one character (insert your favorite) is Totally Not Autistic. Despite being written in a way that gives every indication otherwise.

*Facepalm*

Now for some examples, which we’ll call the “Meh,” “The Bad” and the “Yikes.” For “fun,” we’ll also go into the off-air perceptions of the characters.

The “Meh.”

First on the list is Dr. Spencer Reid, from CBS’s “Criminal Minds.”

Dr. Reid is the youngest member of the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit, having joined at the age of 22. He holds three B.A degrees in Sociology, Psychology and Philosophy, as well as three Ph.D’s in Engineering, Chemistry, and Mathematics.

He also has the social skills of a limp dishrag. Wait, what’s that? High Intelligence + Low Social Awareness? Hmmm…Then there’s his restrictive behavioral patterns, obsessive interests, and general “quirkiness!” that we could talk about. But let’s hear a quote from the actor who plays him, Matthew Gray Gubler:

“..an eccentric genius, with hints of schizophrenia and minor autism, Asperger’s Syndrome. Reid is 24, 25 years old with three PH.D.s and one can’t usually achieve that without some form of autism.”

Hoooo-boy. I could go into all the things wrong with this, including why the term “Asperger’s” is both horrific (TW: Eugenics,Ableism, N*zis) and harmful. However, today we’ll simply leave it with the fact that this term is no longer applicable, having been reclassified in 2013 as part of Autism Spectrum disorder.

The “Bad.”

Next up, we have Will Graham, from NBC’s Hannibal.

Like our first example, Will works for the FBI. He’s a gifted criminal profiler with “special” abilities, namely hyper empathy, which allows him to reconstruct the actions and fantasies of the killers he hunts. He’s intellectually gifted, hates eye contact, socializing, and prefers to spend…most of his time…alone.

Oh dear. Haven’t we been here before? But, I mean, he doesn’t have Autism! The show runner says so!

For Will Graham, there’s a line in the pilot about him being on the spectrum of autism or Asperger’s, and he’s neither of those things. He actually has an empathy disorder where he feels way too much and that’s relatable in some way. There’s something about people who connect more to animals than they do to other people because it’s too intense for whatever reason.

You can’t see me right now, but I’m cringing. A lot. This is just…ugh. I mean, for starters, I know a handful of autistic people who struggle with hyper empathy, which can make social situations overwhelming and hard to navigate. In fact, I happen to be one of them. Plus, there’s a cool little thing about how, frequently, people on the spectrum more readily identify with animals. But, y’know. Who am I to say? I’m just someone, one of many, who’s dealt with this my whole life.

Now, onto the “Yikes.”

*sigh*

And finally, we have BBC’s Sherlock, a modern adaptation of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s renowned “consulting” detective, and probably the most famous fictional character of all time.

Now, I’ll start by saying that the BBC incarnation is not the first to be Spectrum labeled. In fact, Sherlock was my childhood hero, and the first “person” I saw referred to this way. My aunt, an avid reader herself, casually remarked to a friend “I’ve always wondered if Holmes is Autistic,” after I came yammering on about how fantastic the books were. Had I not been champing at the bit to get back to my reading, I might have asked her what that meant.

I also believe this fandom driven speculation is why many detective type characters (see above) are often coded as Autistic, intentionally or otherwise.

In this New York Times article, Lisa Sanders, M.D. describes Holmes traits:

He appears oblivious to the rhythms and courtesies of normal social intercourse — he doesn’t converse so much as lecture. His interests and knowledge are deep but narrow. He is strangely “coldblooded,” and perhaps as a consequence, he is also alone in the world.

Now, before we go any father, let me take a moment to defend his creator. During the time Sir Arthur Conan Doyle first created his most famous work, Autism was not known. That isn’t to say it didn’t exist. We’ve always existed. In fact, it’s now believed that the Changeling Myth, a common European folk story, was a way to explain Autism. In one telling (there are a few) children displaying “intelligence beyond their years” and “uncanny knowledge” were imposters, traded out by Fae creatures for offspring of their own. Children believed to be “Changlings,” regretfully, often came to a bad end. A chilling reminder that the stories we tell impact our real lives.

So while Autism was at least somewhat recognized, it did not become its own official diagnosis until 1943.

Meanwhile, Sherlock Holmes was first published in 1892. Now, as a writer who often draws from my personal reality, I imagine Doyle probably “wrote what he knew,” which is to say, acquainted with one or more Autistic people, he used them as inspiration.

On the other hand…

BBC’s Sherlock first aired in 2010. And while one might argue that the writers simply capitalized on the Autistic fan-theory, or took already available traits and exaggerated them for their version… they left a lot to be desired. Autism aside, this new Sherlock is…well…an asshole. Narcissistic, abusive and egocentric (to name a few) he sweeps his caustic behavior under the rug of “high functioning sociopath,” and blytly ignores the consequences.

Which is a major problem. Because while doing this, he’s still “obviously” (at least in the Hollywood sense) Autistic. In my previous post, where I said some characters are “too smart™, and logical© to ever have feelings, friends or empathy,” this is what I meant.

This is bad. We’re looping right back to Representation Matters. Bad representation, and the navigating of such, is just as important for writers to think about as good representation. Maybe even moreso. Because bad representation paints real people into cardboard, stereotyped people-shaped things. It otherizes. And it’s harmful. You would not believe the people I’ve met assume I’m not Autistic because I’m not an egotistical jerk. Why? Because they watched, you guessed it, BBC Sherlock.

Confession time:

Now here’s my little secret:

I love all of these characters. They are some of my favorite on tv. Why? Because for good or ill, I recognize myself in them. Finally, I can turn on the TV, and see myself. Or, somewhat, anyway.

My favorite character out of this list? Loath though I am to admit it… Is Sherlock. See, what those well meaning folks didn’t know (the ones who say I’m I’m “too nice,” to be Autistic) is… well, if we’re being honest, I wasn’t always nice. A few years ago, I was that guy. I was a jerk because I thought I was the smartest person in the room. Which is really not a good look. In fact, sitting down and watching the first season of sherlock, (around three or four years after it came out) made me realize how much of a jerk I actually was.

There are other things there too. Things that tie me to all these characters, that I didn’t list. But that’s for another today.

For now, I’d like to add a caveat or two:

1) I’ve watched all the shows listed above, and adore them. As I mentioned, Sherlock is my favorite. He’s also the one I’ve watched the most (Repeatedly, in fact. Whoops.) and I recognize it’s not all bad. In the end, he learned to treat people better (somewhat) and certainly became more human over time. And, there are other deeply problematic elements of the show I’d like to tackle, eventually.

*cough* Queerbating! *cough*

2) I’m well aware that the above cases are all thin, white, able bodied, “straight” males. But I chose these characters for a couple of reasons. One, they’re the most prominent type on TV. Again, we loop back around to representation, and why we need more positive, diverse examples of it.

And finally-

3) In my last post, I mentioned I’d give some “good” instances of Hollywood Autism trope. But I didn’t exactly do that. Partially, because half way through, I thought…perhaps…I’m not the best to judge what might be a good Autistic character. I mean, I’m sure someone will read this and think my current aforementioned characters are fine. Heck! They might even argue my perception here, and say the characters are just fine. I accept that. In my life, both on and off the page, I recognize that I cannot, should not (and don’t want to) speak for an entire community.

Because of this, I cannot tell you how to write a “good” Autistic character, or what media is “acceptable.” I can’t even really tell you what a bad character is. Sure, I have a lot of opinions about it. But- if you’re on the spectrum and like and identify with the above? That’s fine. I mean, even with all the problems I noted (and some I didn’t) I certainly do.

On the other hand, if you’re a writer, and you want to write a character from this (or any, for that matter) community you aren’t part of, I caution you.

Do your research. Preferably from multiple credible sources.

Talk to people on the spectrum about what it’s really like. (Though try to steer clear of asking for emotional labor.You could, say, hop on reddit and ask the community there, for instance, which is a no pressure way to obtain potentially decent info.)

Finally, whatever you do, remember this-

Autistic people can look like anyone. We can act, and think and be different, like anyone. We are real, living, breathing people. Not robots, not sob stories, not tropes. People. So if you write about us, write us like people. And your work will be all the better for it.

-Your Loving Vincent

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sonicfanj · 4 years

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Why do you prefer Amy over Sally?

I’ve taken to long to answer this question and would like to first thank you for your patience Anon.

So, I suppose a bit of an explanation for why I took so long is due as well. Mostly, it was a lack of time but also trying to find a way to define ‘why’. There are an awful lot of ways I could go about it as I am the type of person who is heavily invested in the details. Unfortunately the more I thought about it the harder it was going to get for me to really actually break it down. Fortunately, something recently reminded me of the role the Uncle Chuck plays in it and I can fortunately use him to transition into my history with the characters.

Now, I’ve been a Sonic fan for a long time, all the way back to 1991 actually with the original. As a US citizen naturally I saw SatAM and AoStH on TV as well. Where I get strange from what I see though is that I was quite the picky kid. I couldn’t understand why Sonic did not match his in game design, and had no idea what was wrong with Eggman. And yes, even back in the early 90s I was one of the few kids who knew the Japanese name was his original name, though I used them interchangeably back then. The thing is though, neither show ever looked like the games and that bothered me to no end. I recall that my older siblings and I preferred SatAM to AoStH for the more serious story and atmosphere, even likening it to the bad futures of Sonic CD. There in though is where the divide begins.

I was one of the very few kids who played Sonic CD back in 1993 and to this day it is still my favorite Sonic game, no less video game of all time. I actually did not play the higher praised by the fanbase Death Egg Saga games until Sonic Jam on the SEGA Saturn and that little collection did something for me that Sonic CD had also done. They showed me with the OVA trailer that Sonic and Eggman could be drawn properly. It showed me that Tails could be colored properly. They showed me that the wonder of the games could be captured in animation. It was glorious and to this day still leaves me yearning for a Sonic anime that actually captures it. Sonic CD on it’s own though was already killing SatAM for me.

A lot of people praise the Freedom Fighters. That quirky crew of rebels has brought so many people so much joy and I have nothing but respect for them for that. The thing is though, they were forgettable to me. When I turned my back on pretty much anything that was not the games that I knew I completely forgot about them until I finally got involved in the fanbase after Sonic Generations was announced and I had to do some major research to know what anyone was talking about. A game centric upbringing with only really main games as those I played will do that.

Amy meanwhile, despite CD being the only game I played that she was in until Adventure just struck me right. Her design, her on screen personality. These things just filled me with joy and it was very rare that I would not interreact with her in Palm Tree Panic as much as I could. I was actually so disappointed her design was changed for Adventure but her personality was exactly what I was expecting; a sweet bubbly girl with a lot of spunk and a love for Sonic.

So at this point I should come back around to Uncle Chuck as he will be necessary to explain why it took so long for me to even find anything in Sally worth enjoying, no less actually liking her come the 252 reboot. As I mentioned above, Sonic CD is my favorite game all time, but for as much as I loved Amy even back in 1993, Metal Sonic was my favorite character. Getting to Stardust Speedway and spending hours trying to beat him were the highlights with my playing back the until I finally beat him and cleared the game. That difficulty endeared Metal Sonic to me and left a very strong impression on me that still persists to this day. The thing is, Metal Sonic was my childhood and Uncle Chuck was a slap in the face.

You may recall that back in SatAM and a lot of early Archie, Uncle Chuck spent a lot of time roboticized. Now I know I did not see SatAM regularly because TV stations are questionable in their practices and I have parents who wanted the TV for their own shows. As a result I was unprepared for his introduction and in the cliffhanger where they simply showed a pair of red glowing eyes, little Metal Sonic fan that I was thought they were introducing Metal Sonic. When the next episode revealed it was a roboticized Uncle Chuck and not Metal Sonic, it was the last straw for the kid that was into Sonic for the games, and I only had access to two of them. Yet I turned my back on SatAM and everything made in the US that was not directly related to the games.

So because of Uncle Chuck my primary exposure to the cast were the main games and Sonic CD. Adventure finally let me play as Amy and the Freedom Fighters were a shoved aside memory from a wasted opportunity who never impressed themselves onto me. All of that changed come Generations as X showed me that even the Japanese could butcher the games I love and not draw Sonic right and as I joined the fandom through the US Sally should have had the chance to impress herself upon me. Unfortunately she was not given that opportunity because of her fans.

As is obvious, I’m an Amy fan. When I joined the fandom being an Amy fan in the US was not seen as a good thing and the war of hatred between Sally fans and Amy fans still has scars left over today throughout the Sonic community. When presented with Sally through the fans I interacted with, Sally was simply perfection incarnate and Amy should die in a fire while Sonic worships her for killing the hellspawn. It was not a good experience and offered no support for the games and the adventures I enjoyed and came to Sonic for. I also for a time came to despise the character solely for her fans which happened to me in recent years with the Tales of Franchise and the character Alisha. Unpleasant fans make it difficult to enjoy a character or even come to at least understand them. Fortunately I was willing to do some research of my own because I still felt like I needed the knowledge, and maybe the character could speak for herself. I was in for quite a bit of disappointment.

What my research turned up at the time was a character who was simultaneously useless, nothing more but an object of power for Sonic to worship like an indoctrinated thrall, and managed to match Tails in point of view at the time of dumbing Sonic down to where I felt in their presences he couldn’t figure out he was supposed to open his own mouth to eat if they weren’t there. This may be hard to believe but I actually disliked Tails quite a bit for several years as Sonic seemed to be constantly dumbed down so Tails could be useful rather than the kid who could keep up if he gave his all. Yet the OVA (subbed) saved Tails for me. Sally meanwhile continued to undermine Sonic with the Genesis Story during the events of Sonic 1 via the first Genesis Wave where she “helped” Sonic find the courage to enter the water in Labyrinth Zone and he found it not so bad because of her. It was one of the few times I found why people called her a Mary Sue.

What finally saved Sally for me was actually Amy. Though I never liked how aggressive and violent Amy had become compared to playful and mischievous from Sonic X on, and a coming reexamination of her character after learning she addressed Sonic a certain way in the Japanese manuals leading me to fully fall for Kazuyuki Hoshino’s vision of her, her conversations with Mecha Sally would turn the tide for Sally. Amy being Amy spoke of friendship and the friendship they had. While I never read the comics and could not examine their relationship, come the reboot in 252, from the get go the two were shown as good friends and I could finally see Sally’s character. She was wise tactically and cared for her friends, bit was also highly responsible and took her duties seriously. In Amy and her friends she found the comfort to unwind and just be another person no matter what was going on. Her and Amy’s chats while going around the world during the lead up to and during the Unleashed adaption made her fun and enjoyable, no less relatable. She was finally a character, a person, and not just an object that Sonic was chained to like a slobbering cartoon dog with their bone. It was refreshing and I enjoy the friendship between Sally and Amy so much that I still feel if the Freedom Fighters were to have been adapted to IDW for just a cameo that Sally would have been the perfect friend to hand the Restoration off to as she finally returned to her own adventuring ways. And that right there is the big difference point.

I come to Sonic for adventure, whimsy, and wonder. The sense of discover of meeting new people and seeing wonderous new locations. I love characters full of life and the love for adventure. Sally, unfortunately for her, does not represent that. Her role for years kept Sonic away from those adventures. Instead of supporting whimsy and constant new discovery, she supported stability and staying forever at home. By the nature of her role as a character and in universe, she just can’t be that type of character and that is not her fault. Amy meanwhile is a character designed to follow Sonic no matter where he goes. That she also is a girly-tomboy, one of my favorite character archetypes, but also bubbly and silly, playful and mischievous, and generally full of good cheer and limitless positivity (or used to be at lease) just always entertains me. That she also has the courage to open wear and express her emotions, including her love, is both entertaining on one hand, but also inspiring on another when you are raised in a society that hates honesty, emotions, and expressing that you love someone. Amy was refreshing, whereas Sally when I first looked into her, and her fans that I interacted with, represented oppression and that being you was the worst thing that could ever happen to the human race, something that Sonic and Amy both stand against. Fortunately Amy showed me there is plenty to like with Sally, and it’s a real shame her character was vaulted before that potential could finally be perceived. And yet, in the end, as I grew up on the main games and had my expectations born of them and further refined as I learned more and more of the Japanese lore for the games, Sally and the role she has could never provide me with what I come to Sonic for. Adventure, the whimsy that gives rise to it, the discovers that come from it, and the heroics at it’s climax. Sally by nature is not a whimsical character, nor should she be. It isn’t who she is and she deserves to be respected for that. And it’s thanks to her friendship with Amy that I finally saw that and can enjoy her character. But like Amy, I want to follow Sonic on his adventures, and her bubbly, playful, cheerful, optimistic, and mischievous personality makes following Sonic that much more enjoyable to me.

To simplify it here at the end, my love of Metal Sonic and Uncle Chuck prevented me from ever learning who Sally was. It was Amy’s friendship with her that finally changed that and I found a character who has a lot of potential and is quite enjoyable on her own. But Amy’s personality, whimsy, and propensity for adventure, or the the trouble that will take her on one, makes her the more enjoyable character for me. I know the whole explanation was a little long, but I hope it helps explains my preference for you Anon. Thanks for asking.

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purplesurveys · 4 years

Text

1094

survey by blackrose14

10 years ago

How old were you? I was 12 in January 2011 but was turning 13, so let’s go with 13.

What did you do? Work/school? I was in Grade 7. That was an okay time in my life, now that I think about it; life had started to finally look up after the trainwreck that was Grade 6.

Did you have a significant other? Nah. I was deep into the wrestling fandom at the time and all my crushes then were the people I watched on illegal livestreams every week.

What did your hair look like? I'm pretty sure my mom had my hair rebonded because my hair was abnormally straight in my Grade 7 graduation portrait. Before that, my hair probably had been just its usual, unstyled, frizzy self.

Any tattoos or piercings? No, and it’s not like I would’ve been allowed to get either at 13.

Who were your best friends? I didn’t have any at the start of the year; but when I started the next grade in the middle of 2011, I met Gabie and we quickly became best friends.

Fave band? Paramore, We Are the In Crowd, Sleeping With Sirens, and All Time Low. I think I was also starting to get into punk rock so I was probably experimenting with bands like Rancid, The Bouncing Souls, and Rise Against.

Fave movie? I didn’t have any; I didn’t really appreciate movies until I met Gabie, I think. The first movie she got me to really enjoy was Breakfast at Tiffany’s. I think. Either that or Gone with the Wind, haha.

Fave TV show? I lovedddd Perfect Strangers when I was younger. This was all I watched.

Were you happy? I wasn’t in the first half. But life started to get better after that when I got to meet new friends who made it easier to go to school.

Anything else about this time? I’ll always look back fondly on this year because it was when I met Gab. It was the quickest I ever gained a best friend and idk, our humors just worked very well together and our differences just made our relationship all the more unpredictable and exciting. Though I’ve had similar friendships that have since fizzled out, like Sofie and Athenna, mine and Gab’s friendship was really memorable; the kind of story I’d tell my grandkids.

5 years ago

How old were you? I was turning 18, but this time 5 years ago I was just about to finish up high school.

What did you do? work/school? High school for the first half and started college right after.

Did you have a significant other? Yes. Gab and I had recently reconnected after our breakup to be friends but we quickly acted as if we were dating lmao, so by February of that year I put my foot down for the second time and asked her out again because it seemed as though we were already headed down that path anyway.

What did your hair look like? My mom had my hair rebonded again, much to my frustration. I hated it and I got back at her by putting my hair in ponytails as soon as the treatment was over because I wanted it to get wavy and frizzy again.

Any tattoos or piercings? Nopes.

Who were your best friends? Gabie, Angela, and at the time Sofie. I was also still very close with my high school group - Kaira, Chelsea, Athenna, Tricia, and all the boys too but I’m too lazy to type their names down because they were a lottttttt.

Fave band? Paramore, alt-J, twenty one pilots, Coldplay.

Fave movie? Two for the Road, I’m pretty sure. I was also obsessed with Room and Whiplash at the time.

Fave TV show? Didn’t watch a lot of shows then. Maybe Breaking Bad.

Were you happy? Not really. My relationship was going great, but the transition from high school to college took a heavy toll on me and I had a difficult time overall. It was hard to make friends, and I was overwhelmed by how active all the freshmen were and how they were all signing up for extracurricular activities from the get-go. As someone who liked being a wallflower in high school, I quickly felt even tinier in college and got left behind.

Anything else about this time? It was the first-year anniversary of my grandpa’s passing, so I didn’t feel great about that. Donald Trump also got elected as President and that was a 4-year shitshow...great year for music though lmaoooooo

1 year ago

How old were you? I was turning 22, but this time last year I was 21. To be honest with you, I never felt 22 at all and I almost answered this survey thinking I was 11 ten years ago.

What did you do? Work/school? I was finishing up my senior year of college, but as we all know the whole experience of that got taken away.

What did your hair look like? I wanted to try something new, so I had my hair cut all the way to my neck and got bangs to boot.

Any tattoos or piercings? Still none.

Who were your best friends? Gabie, Angela. Andi was getting there as well. I also had my college group - Jo, Aya, Laurice, Kate, Kezhia, JM, Jum, Lui, and Blanch.

Fave band? Paramore. I also briefly got into HONNE but since my breakup I’ve been able to listen to them, hahaha.

Fave movie? Still Two for the Road. I doubt it will ever change.

Fave TV show? Breaking Bad or Friends.

Were you happy? I’d be a big liar if I said it was a good year. I was simply going through the motions from January to September because that was my only choice being a fresh graduate during a pandemic; then from September to the end of the year, I didn’t do so well because I was dealing with a breakup.

Anything else about this time? I would like to forget about it.

Today

How old are you? 22 and three months away from turning another year older.

What do you do? Work/school? I work at a public relations agency now.

What does your hair look like? Unremarkable. My bangs are still around but my hair has gotten a lot longer. I’m looking to have it trimmed soon, and maybe even dyed.

Any tattoos or piercings? None. But maybe a small tattoo soon? We’ll see.

Who are your best friends? Angela and Andi.

Fave band? Paramore, man. Forever and always.

Fave movie? The same one.

Fave TV show? Friends.

Are you happy? Could be better, but at least I’ve started taking steps to take care of myself and I no longer cry nor have nightly nightmares. I’m also clearly a lot happier than the last few months. I’ll take what I can get.

Anything else you want to add about today? It’s the weekend so I’m fucking stoked!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m also going to my first out-of-town trip in 1 1/2 years starting tomorrow so I can’t wait.

#survey #surveys

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lostinthewinterwood · 4 years

Text

Heart Attack 2020

Hey friend!

Looks like you and I both like to write like the wind and suffer in the process, so without further ado, let’s go :D

Also, oops, my habit of procrastination has caught up with me… sorry about that! Here’s a letter now at least…

General DNW

non-con/dub-con;

explicit sexual content;

incest (incl. adoptive/chosen family);

a/b/o;

mpreg;

non-canonical permanent major character death;

complete downer endings;

hurt no comfort;

heavy angst;

on-page deliberate self-harm*;

on-page suicide;

gore;

graphic physical trauma;

character bashing;

cringe comedy;

fic-as-writer-soapbox;

fic that’s all about real-world bigotries or real-world politics;

canon-typical 2020;

unrequested full-setting AUs;

unrequested identity headcanons;

unrequested romance as the main plot.

*I don’t include things like, say, punching a wall in a fit of emotion under this. However, something like cutting would not be appreciated.

*****

General Likes

– I really like plotty fics

– Secret identity and disguise shenanigans, the more layers to them and more absurdity the better.

– Crossdressing for whatever reason and gender disguises, also for whatever reason, though not as a fetish thing—that I enjoy less.

– Time travel and time loops are always fun, especially as a fix-it. I have a general preference for Peggy Sue style (aka, an older character getting put back in their younger body at an earlier point in the timeline) over the character’s physical body stepping back in time, but either one is good.

– A focus on family and/or friendship, especially characters realizing they’re not nearly as alone as they think they are, and just generally characters who like each other and enjoy spending time together

– Found family; families of choice

– Character studies

– Worldbuilding

– Canon-divergence AUs and missing scenes; things set pre- or post-canon; wriggling into canon and poking at it to see what it spits back at you, if that description makes any sense at all.

*****

wherein i request a time-travel canon and mostly don't request time travelers [art and fic]

Mother of Learning - nobody103

· Alanic Zosk & Silverlake (Mother of Learning)

· Zach Noveda & None (Mother of Learning)

· Kirielle Kazinski & Zorian Kazinski (Mother of Learning)

· Kirielle Kazinski & None (Mother of Learning)

· Raynie & Kiana (Mother of Learning)

· Neoluma-Manu Iljatir & Zach Noveda (Mother of Learning)

· Alanic Zosk & Xvim Chao (Mother of Learning)

fandom-specific dnw: romantic and/or sexual Zach/Zorian; physical parental abuse within the Kazinski family; significant exaggeration of canonical emotional neglect/abuse/general family dysfunction

Prompts:

If you want to write an AU, you can consider any AU requested for AUEx for Mother of Learning, as listed here, to be requested in this exchange as well, even if the requested characters aren’t requested there, as long as it isn’t written as purely mundane.

I’ve written a fair few Mother of Learning prompts already; if you want to see me going off more about things, especially for Kirielle, please see the Mother of Learning section of my Gen Freeform Ex letter here. If you don’t want to click through, though, here’s a bit of things.

Kirielle, Kirielle & Zorian:

If you want to focus on Kirielle’s relationship with someone who isn’t Zorian, for Kirielle and Nochka, they’re adorable and I’d love a further development of their friendship, especially getting to see it grow and develop over the months and years after the invasion. If you want to write about Kiri and Zach, these two seem to have a lot of fun teaming up against Zorian lol, I really enjoy their dynamic and how they play off each other. For Kirielle and Zorian, I love their dynamic! And again here I’d really enjoy seeing their relationship developing in real time, rather than a constantly looping world. I think it would be great to see either of them defending the other to their parents—and maybe Zorian ends up with custody of Kiri, there’s definitely things to explore there.

For Kirielle by herself, I’d love some sort of character study—what does she do now that the time loop is over? She’s growing up into a war; will she be a mage? An artist? Something else? Alternatively—what if she got pulled into the loop; what would it be like to grow older while still looking nine?

Zach, Zach & Neolu:

Assuming you don’t go for a setting AU, I’d generally prefer something set at least in part after the time loop begins, but beyond that I don’t have a strong preference for where in the timeline this might be set. Maybe something from before Zorian got looped in—maybe one of the iterations where Zach and Neolu just went off across the country having fun the whole month? Zach doing whatever, possibly very early on, or maybe him freaking out a little because what the hell, time travel is supposed to be impossible, and yet—what did he do in the start?

Or for post-canon, I’d really like an exploration of Zach, who’s got the lived-time of a middle-aged man and the body of a teenager—how does he relate to his classmates/other people in the real world, where everyone’s growing again? Maybe something about his lawsuit against his caretaker, or just a little thing with him, Zorian, and How Do You Live Normally, Again? This Is Hard, or some such thing.

Raynie & Kiana:

Me? Latching onto a minor character in a big sprawling canon? It’s more likely than you think!

Anyway I like Raynie a lot; we don’t get a whole lot on her, but what we do get paints her as someone who’s having a very interesting life of her own, utterly divorced from the timeloop shenanigans (except re: the shifter children thing).

I like her and Kiana’s friendship, too; I like how when we finally see more of them both we learn more about how they’re similar and different.

For specific prompts, if you want to go pre-canon I’d really love something with her initial going to Cyoria and how she befriended Kiana in the first place (or, perhaps more likely, how Kiana befriended her; I somehow doubt that Raynie age 13, recently semi-exiled from her tribe, was particularly in search of outsider friends).

For post-canon, really, anything dealing with the fallout of all the things that go down in the real world would be fantastic too.

Alanic & Silverlake, Alanic & Xvim:

I’ve grouped these because they both have to do with Alanic, but really they’re not very similar prompts.

For Alanic and Silverlake I’d be very interested in something to do with Alanic’s backstory; Silverlake knew him as a young necromancer, so… what happened there? How did they know each other? Why was Alanic set on becoming a necromancer; clearly he got far enough to have soul sight himself—how’d he get that? Why did he leave the necromancer’s path to become a priest?

For Alanic and Xvim, I dunno, this seemed fun? They’re both part of the “annoying but ultimately helpful teacher” club to Zorian, and they get along well with each other—gonna admit I don’t fully remember what goes down for them in the final, real-world iteration, but. They’re both a lot of fun and they play off each other well; just go wild here. I’m down for it if you are.

*****

mostly found family and similar vibes here lbr [art and fic]

Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure (Cartoon)

· Cassandra & Varian (Disney: Tangled)

· Eugene Fitzherbert | Flynn Rider & Red | Catalina (Disney: Tangled)

· Angry | Keira & Eugene Fitzherbert | Flynn Rider (Disney: Tangled)

· Cassandra & Red | Catalina (Disney: Tangled)

· Cassandra & Eugene Fitzherbert | Flynn Rider (Disney: Tangled)

· Angry | Keira & Red | Catalina & Lance Strongbow (Disney: Tangled)

· Angry | Keira & Red | Catalina (Disney: Tangled)

fandom-specific notes: Cass's canonical injured hand/arm that canon just kind of... forgets about and doesn't ever address after it's introduced is totally fair game; I'd love something that addressed that, just nothing too graphic about the original injury please. Dnw fic which explicitly breaks up Rapunzel/Eugene.

Prompts:

So, overall, I just love this show a lot? It’s just so wholesome and heartfelt and hopeful? Anything you write which can grab that vibe I’ll probably enjoy tbh.

But! Onwards to specifics!

Cass & Varian, Cass & Catalina, Cass & Eugene:

This is my “team betrayed Rapunzel and/or ill-advisedly trusted a blue spirit in the woods and/or died for her before being resurrected” group lol, and I’d love something that explores one of those things; canon gives us a little bit of that between Cass and Varian in the form of “Nothing Left to Lose,” but it doesn’t really address it after they’ve both found their way back; I’d love something post-canon for any of these pairs, after Cass has finally got her act together and they can start learning to deal with all of it. Sharing their experiences! Figuring out how to emotionally process the bad (or good-but-with-unfortunate-consequences-even-if-only-temporary) decisions you made! I’m here for it.

Eugene & Angry, Eugene & Catalina, Angry & Catalina, Angry & Catalina & Lance:

All the found family! If you’re just dealing with Angry and Catalina, I’d take anything at any point in the timeline tbh—how did they meet? When and how did they start thieving together? What did they do between their major appearances in the show? If you go post-canon—how do they work out their new lives with Lance? They’ve been living on their own for at least two years, probably longer; how do they learn to let go and let someone else take care of them? And for either (or both tbh) of them with Eugene—former child-thieves, reformed because of Rapunzel! He doesn’t have any parental-style authority over them; how do they relate to him as opposed to Lance, in a post-canon world?

*****

superhero time babey [art and fic]

Secret Society of Second-Born Royals (2020) [SAFETY]

· Matteo & Roxana & Sam & Tuma (Secret Society of Second-Born Royals)

· January & Matteo & Roxana & Tuma & Sam (Secret Society of Second-Born Royals)

· Mike Kleinberg & Sam (Secret Society of Second-Born Royals)

· Eleanor & None (Secret Society of Second-Born Royals)

· Catherine & Eleanor & Sam (Secret Society of Second-Born Royals)

· January & Sam (Secret Society of Second-Born Royals)

· Eleanor & Sam (Secret Society of Second-Born Royals)

· Worldbuilding & None (Secret Society of Second-Born Royals)

Fandom-specific dnw: January as purely, irredeemably evil; absolute monarchy as unambiguously purely good.

Fandom-specific note: since I’m directly asking for politics in the worldbuilding option, it would be a bit silly to fully dnw real-world politics in this real-world-adjacent setting. Don’t worry about referencing real politics if that’s where you go with your fic; however, I would rather any focused-on politics be filtered through the context of the fictional countries the film uses, and please don’t reference real-world American politics post-2015. “unrequested full setting aus” dnw has been modified to “unrequested mundane aus” so if you want to, idk, put them in a fairytale au or a sports-but-still-have-powers au or something—go right ahead.

Prompts:

So, I enjoyed this silly little movie quite a lot—the characters were a lot of fun! I love them all! I really mostly just want more of them tbh. If you want an overarching theme—I would adore time travel here, even more than I normally do. Time loops especially are just… perfection.

Matteo & Roxana & Sam & Tuma, January & Matteo & Roxana & Tuma & Sam:

Team fic! Team fic! Team fic! For these two sets, I’d love something about the whole team—of course—doing team-y things. You could set it in the summer, before shit goes down in the climax; or you could set it after—they’re going after January, of course. What happens when they finally catch up to her? What do they do? How do they all process the relevant emotions of having been betrayed? Do we catch a redemption arc?

Mike & Sam:

These two are such good friends! I like their friendship a lot, and I’d love to see more of it. Something fun would be pre-canon—how did they meet? What led them to start their band? How much traction does their band have, really? Or post-canon—even having forgiven her, it’s got to be a lot to deal with, your best friend turning out to not just be a princess, but a superhero princess, while you’re just… a groundskeeper’s son(?).

Eleanor, Eleanor & Sam, Catherine & Eleanor & Sam:

Family times! There’s a lot of tension and secrets here, have been for a long time; tell me how they come to deal with it all and learn to live with each other better than they have been before the film—or give me backstory! How did things end up spiraling this far down?

January & Sam:

I’d love to have something dealing with January’s PoV on the events of the film, or Sam’s PoV on January; more fun with secrets and betrayals! (Fun for the audience at least; maybe less fun for these two though.) They got pretty close, after all—how did that have January feeling? Did she second-guess herself over that? How about Sam—she was the one betrayed by her new friend, after all. If you want to see me talking more about just January, check out my Yuletide letter here.

Worldbuilding:

Okay, so, I really did like this movie, so I say this affectionately, but… to call the worldbuilding here flimsy would be to, well, imply that it had bothered doing any worldbuilding whatsoever, and that’s not quite accurate, now is it? To be clear, I do think this was probably a good decision, given that the movie is dedicated to superhero funtimes, not How The Hell Is This Happening, but it does leave me with so very many questions. For being a movie all about royalty, this movie is almost allergic to actually engaging any of the politics it hints at, what with the presented sides being “monarchy good” and “terrorism is fine actually”; if you want to write about the politics of the world these characters live in, by all means go ahead! For example, how did they manage to be a Western European absolute monarchy all the way to the present day? I’d love to see that, or anything like it really, explored. Other worldbuilding I’d be interested in includes an exploration of the “gene” which… somehow… manifests exclusively in second-born children of royal bloodlines—does this include bastard children? What counts as a royal bloodline? What happens when one of the superhero royal children has to ascend the throne? Why only the second-born? Is it really genetic at all, or is it some sort of magic? If not magic, then wtaf is going on in the genetics of this world, I have to know more.

*****

disguise shenaniganery and/or PUNS

Original Work [SAFETY]

· Male Student Mage Disguised as a Girl/Female Student Warrior Disguised as a Boy (M/F)

· Male Student Mage Disguised as a Girl/Female Fellow Student Mage (M/F)

· Male Student Mage Disguised as a Girl & Male Student Warrior (M & M)

· Male Student Mage Disguised as a Girl & His Older Female Mentor (M & F)

· Male Student Mage Disguised as a Girl & Female Student Warrior Disguised as a Boy (M & F)

· Male Student Mage Disguised as a Girl & Female Fellow Student Mage (M & F)

· Child Superhero & Their Concerned Supervillain Nemesis (Any & Any)

· Spellsword Mercenary & Mathemagician (Any & Any)

fandom-specific dnw: age gaps in ships of more than 3 or so years when one character is underage; predatory manipulation between characters in the relationship in service of the relationship–if characters are manipulating each other for non-relationship things and such that’s okay, but i’d rather both parties in any of the ships be interested in the romance of their own accord. Additionally, please don’t have characters react to any gender-disguised characters (or characters in general, but it’s most relevant to them) in transphobic or transphobic-adjacent ways (i.e. none of the characters are requested as trans, but I still wouldn’t want to see the kinds of comments people make about trans people aimed at them). I’d also rather not see any kind of serious relationship with at least one character disguising their gender pre-reveal of that disguise–flirting, starting to date a little is okay but if it’s going further please have them reveal it. Please don’t play into the idea of gender-disguised character as “trap”.

also dnw characters requested as gender-disguised to be written as trans or to be written as absolutely loathing their disguise. other characters are fair game. if writing trans characters, dnw them to be explicitly nondysphoric (but not addressing it is fine).

fandom-specific note: the “setting au” dnw obviously does not apply here; my typical “identity headcanon” au dnw has been replaced by a dnw for “marginalized identities as the main focus of a fic” since there isn’t exactly a canon here lol.

If you’re a lovely friend who wants to do treats, I’d be totally on board for art treats for this section; however, I haven’t requested them as actual fills.

Prompts:

All of these are fun groupings that, I think, imply both setting and some amount of plot; but I’ll have some more specific prompts anyway. Overall I like all sorts of settings; all of my requested pairs imply some amount of speculative elements in the setting, but beyond that it’s all up to you. Just-left-of-modern? Ancient China but with magic? IN SPACE? Whatever you want to do, go for it.

Male Student Mage Disguised as a Girl &/Whoever:

Look, I’m a sucker for identity/disguise shenanigans, and I love gender disguises, and for all the books I read as a kid featuring girls disguising themselves as boys to do [insert restricted activity here], I never saw its natural inverse; this is a travesty and must be corrected for. Anything playing into this whole trope/idea is just chef’s kiss, I promise you I’ll love it.

Child Superhero & Their Concerned Supervillain Nemesis:

Another favorite dynamic of mine! I love supervillains getting tricked into that semi-parental role where they’re like “hang on I may be a supervillain and a criminal but you’re a child where are your parents what are you doing here,” it’s quite possibly the Best dynamic I have yet encountered in superhero fiction… even if I haven’t actually encountered it all that much.

Spellsword Mercenary & Mathemagician:

Okay, I’ll admit that I mostly nominated and requested this for the pun potential. But I think there’s also quite a lot of implicit lore you could really dig into; what kind of world is this, where magic can be imbued in or used through swords, but can also be related to mathematics? Tell me more about it! How do these two know each other? Are they both shamelessly, pundamentally invested in wordplay as well as their actual jobs? If you’re looking for more plot-implying ideas, I would be super down if you wanted to map this onto one of my other origfic requests (but no pressure lol).

#exchange letters #heart attack exchange #requested: art #requested: fic #requested: mother of learning #requested: rapunzel's tangled adventure #requested: secret society of second-born royals #requested: original work

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neversidekick-blog · 5 years

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Flamethrower’s Alleged Harassment

What’s going on?

deadcatwithaflamethrower has suggested she is the victim of a targeted campaign of harassment, and along the way she’s used some antisemitic dogwhistles, which would be problematic on its own, but is especially insidious IMO given the topic of the alleged harassment.

I am positive that I am one of the people she says harassed her, though I maintain I did no such thing.

I’m going to attempt to provide the fullest accounting of these events possible, with the caveat that I simply don’t have copies of a few key pieces of evidence.

If you’re going to follow along, I ask you read all the screenshots and quotations carefully, because the details do matter if you want a complete picture.

The first two sections are background info for those unaware of a few relevant facts. The issue of alleged harassment follows.

Jewish Snape

Flamethrower has written a long, serial HP fic called Of a Linear Circle. In it, Severus Snape is portrayed as Jewish. While his Jewishness is touched upon in multiple chapters across multiple parts of the series, this is how it is introduced:

“I didn’t know you were Jewish.”

Severus rolls his eyes and taps the bridge of his nose. “It isn’t obvious?”

Nizar gives him a baffled look. “What does your nose have to do with it?”

“It’s a…stereotype.” Severus grimaces at Nizar’s continued look of confusion, but he still meets older adults who’ve never heard the word used that way. “Racism.”

“Oh. Idiots,” Nizar mutters. “Besides, if you wanted to see some truly horrific examples of nasal protuberances, you’d find yourself a Viking who’d had their nose broken four or five times.”

I applaud including Jewish characters in fic, even in the case where they are not Jewish in canon. Positive portrayals of Jewish characters should be encouraged throughout fandom.

Picking Snape to be the character from Harry Potter to reframe as Jewish is a complicated choice, because of the vile and enduring antisemitic stereotype relating to Jewish people having large, ugly noses.

Consider the following quote spoken by the Marauder’s Map in POA:

Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git.

Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor.

Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball.

Leaning into a stereotype is a difficult choice. It’s not bad, but it should be handled with some thought. IMO you either need to ignore the canon association with Snape’s nose, or you need to deliberately deconstruct it.

Flamethrower did neither. This by itself I would not say is antisemitic, merely clumsy. She went to great efforts to portray Snape’s Jewishness positively, and I honestly applaud that.

But I know I’m not the only person who encountered it and was uncomfortable with the antisemitic stereotype being on display so clumsily. Not that I thought it meant flamethrower or her fic were antisemitic, just that this particular use of a stereotype was uncomfortable.

A Thread about Hebrew

Of a Linear Circle is heavily concerned with linguistics. It features discussions of many languages, including Hebrew. One of those discussions contains an error, a faulty transliteration. This is a minor mistake, and in a fic with so many linguistic discussions, some mistakes would happen for even a true polyglot.

The problem is that when a Jewish fan commented with a polite suggestion of a fix to the error, flamethrower proceeded to Goysplain both Hebrew and the Shoah to her.

It’s not a good look. It’s arrogant and condescending. By itself, though, it’s not antisemitic, just an author being a little too defensive and overbearing. But it’s there, and more than a few Jewish fans noticed it because flamethrower has promoted the fact that Snape is Jewish in this fic.

Where the Harassment Supposedly Begins

At some point, a Jewish fan (who implicitly identifies herself as such later), leaves a comment on the chapter of flamethrower’s fic with the potentially upsetting antisemitic nose stereotype.

The request is for a tag or warning of some kind for the comment, just so it doesn’t take readers by surprise. Perhaps requesting the fic as a whole be tagged with “antisemitism” is a step too far and would seem bizarre, but the gist of the comment is a request for a content warning. Flamethrower could have sorted out a note or a less inflammatory tag if she cared to do so, but she never replied to this comment.

The fact that she didn’t reply to this comment doesn’t matter really. She gets a lot of fic comments, so the idea she missed one or didn’t feel like replying isn’t the issue.

But this comment was left on August 10, and when it received no response for a week, I believe the same fan sent flamethrower an ask on the same topic, which is where the saga of supposed harassment begins.

The Ask

The text of the ask was as follows:

HI! I LEFT YOU A COMMENT RECENTLY ON YOUR FIC OF A LINEAR CIRCLE, BUT I CAN SEE YOU WERE VERY BUSY AND PROBABLY DIDN'T SEE IT. I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND ME ASKING, BUT WOULD YOU MIND TAGGING IT FOR THE ANTISEMITIC HUMOR IN IT? I KNOW IT WAS MEANT IN GOOD FAITH AND YOU HAD A JEWISH FRIEND CONSULT, BUT NOT ALL JEWS ARE COMFORTABLE WITH JOKING ABOUT STEROTYPES, AND FOR THOSE OF US THAT AREN'T, A LITTLE WARNING WOULD BE VERY KIND. THANK YOU!— queried by heatherly84

I consider this fairly innocuous and polite. As I said above, perhaps the reasonable outcome wasn’t the exact tag suggested, or even a tag at all--maybe a note in the intro notes of the chapter warning for it would have sufficed.

But this is how flamethrower responded:

So, because you had a single moment of twinge due to a child character’s self-consciousness regarding their appearance and their religion as they struggle to come to terms with stereotypes they face every day…you want me to add a tag to my fic that will see it immediately black-listed as anti-semitic even though it’s absolutely nothing of the sort.

No. No, I will not.

I am not here to gatekeep your internet experience. If that moment made you uncomfortable, you should a) think about what the character was going through instead of expecting it to be the author being a dick, and b) click your back button.

EDIT: No, wait. I’m not done.

What really gets me here is that you are asking me to tag a scene as anti-Semitic when this underconfident Jewish-born child, already dealing with horrible stereotyping, is promptly reassured by an Adult that there is nothing wrong with his faith or his appearance, and said child shouldn’t put stock into the people doing the stereotyping.

You want me to tag something as Bad that is meant to be enouragement for anyone in that position, a common theme in YA lit.

Are you sure it’s the perceived anti-Semitism that’s the problem, or is it something else entirely?

I saw the ask and flamethrower’s response shortly after it was posted on her tumblr. To say I found the response troubling is an understatement.

Flamethrower condescends to a fan asking, not for any substantive change or edit to the fic, but to a mere content warning.

Flamethrower presumes to tell someone how they must feel about the handling of antisemitic stereotypes in a fic, which would be bullshit even if she didn’t handle this particular antisemitic stereotype so clumsily.

Flamethrower accuses the fan of some secret and malicious motive because she, the author, is overly defensive.

Particularly considering the topic of antisemitism, I found the response wanting, so I decided I should say something.

The Submission

In an attempt to convey to Flamethrower that the concerns about the antisemitic stereotyping of Snape’s nose wasn’t the concern of a single fan, and to try to open a dialogue and point out some other missteps I felt she had made in the general region of Jewish representation in fandom and antisemitism, I decided to send her a submission.

I am an ancient member of fandom from the days of usenet and livejournal, and to be honest I just never got tumblr, so I had to create an account solely for this purpose. I’m sure that makes me sound like a bizarre dinosaur, but it’s the truth. And I created this account and wrote up a submission to flamethrower and sent it in.

Admittedly, my tone was a little sharp in a few places due to very genuine frustration, but as I tried to make clear, I was trying to appeal to her to do better, not simply condemn, and definitely not harass.

The following is the full and exact text of my submission to flamethrower:

I feel that you're being deeply disingenuous. You introduced Snape being a Jew in your fic with the following lines:

“I didn’t know you were Jewish.”

Severus rolls his eyes and taps the bridge of his nose. “It isn’t obvious?”

And a Jewish person rather politely asked you to mark it as referencing antisemitic stereotypes, because holy fuck you made a character whose nose is remarkably large in canon Jewish and leaned into that in. Sure, you followed it with a joke about Viking noses, but that's not the deconstruction you seem to think it is. It's just a handwave that accomplishes nothing.

That, by itself, I could maybe give a pass, but then there's this comment thread: https://archiveofourown.org/comments/113294382 Someone tells you they're Jewish and gives you a bit of helpful advice about a bit of Hebrew linguistics that you have absolutely and totally wrong; it's not something, as you suggest in your replies, that varies with regions. It's universally understood, but you talk over the person whose cultural language you're using as if you know better.

But the part that really crosses the line is that you say the following in your scramble to throw shit against the wall to insist you could be right:

Then there are the parlances common to specific groups that are just fucking GONE because of the Holocaust, and we don't have any way now to know how they might have said certain words.

You Goysplain the Shoah to a Jew.

If you actually care as deeply about positive representations of Jewish characters in fandom as you say you do, maybe listening to actual critiques from actual Jews should be a thing you do, instead of reacting defensively and shutting them down.

Also, please never refer to a person as "Jewish sidekick" again, as you did in that thread. Unpacking the baggage there would take a separate submission. I'm taking the time to write this out, perhaps foolishly, because I hope you're sincere about caring and will actually listen. Shutting down the voices of Jewish people is not a part of portraying Jewishness positively in fandom. I hope you can see that and will listen and do better.

She posted and responded to this. I don’t have a screenshot of her response, nor do I have the full text because of how quickly she deleted it, but I do have a partial quote of her response:

However, you did accuse a Jewish woman by proxy of Goysplaining, which I find incredibly insulting on my best friend’s behalf. (She wants her name left out of it for anxiety reasons, and given how this is probably going to turn into a huffing and puffing Drag Down The Evil Witch Goyim thing, I don’t blame her.)

This bit of rhetorical gymnastics on her part served an interesting and infuriating purpose. I objected to her refusing to listen to actual Jewish fans trying to tell her things on multiple occasions, and I also criticized her use of the “I can’t have done anything wrong, my best friend is Jewish,” defense. Here she doubled down on that defense, essentially saying the person she has referred to on multiple occasions as her “Jewish Sidekick” insulates her from all possible problematic statements re: Jewishness.

The rest of her response was equally inane, but as I can’t quote it directly in her own words, I can’t justify saying more about it.

A Second, Unpublished Ask

As I mentioned above, I’ve never really used Tumblr. The difference between submitting posts and submitting asks confused me. I knew the original request for a content warning tag was an ask and that I’d done a post. I was afraid I should have sent an ask instead.

I was also rereading her response to heatherly84, and I was annoyed that she didn’t get why the joke about Snape’s nose wasn’t okay.

So I sent in an ask before my submission was posted and responded to.

I don’t have the text of my ask, but I give flamethrower permission to post it in full if she chooses. I recall saying two things:

1) In the form of a question, I tried to walk her through understanding why the joke about Snape’s nose could still read as antisemitic.

2) I acknowledged I’d sent the submission, and said I would prefer she respond to it, since it was more detailed.

Perhaps I committed some terrible tumblr faux pas in submitting a post and an ask on the same topic closely together and that constitutes harassment.

I suspect the former is true but the latter is not.

Flamethrower Deletes Posts and Claims Harassment

In a matter of minutes after flamethrower posts my submission and her response, she deletes it. A new post goes up.

I have to assume the combination of two asks and a submission is what she is saying is harassment. You’ve seen the text of one ask and one post, so hopefully you’ll agree one ask was very polite and the post was slightly terse but A) not harassment, B) not an ad hominem attack, C) and a list of reasons why she was wrong to do certain things, not a list of reasons why she as a person was awful. I maintain the unpublished ask is in the same vein, and she is free to publish it in full if she chooses.

Then she begins posting more, and her claims about what she was sent escalate.

Here we have what is called a dogwhistle: she’s not saying evil Jews are conspiring against her to make her look bad. However, in response to criticisms of potentially antisemitic behavior, she falls back on the trope of “devious” Jews in a malicious conspiracy. This is problematic, and I will say flat out it is antisemitic.

She also misrepresents what was going on: Jewish fans asking her to listen to them without being condescending. Jewish fans asking for a single content warning.

I believe at this point I sent either another ask or submission, with the gist being, “If you’re going to post about things I submitted to your tumblr and characterize them a certain way, I would appreciate it if you reposted them so viewers could judge for themselves whether what you’re saying is accurate.”

Continuing to engage was a mistake, clearly.

Her vague posting with the context hidden continued.

And she ends by going full non-sequitur.

She never raised not wanting to attract white supremacists and Nazis as a reason to avoid a warning tag.

She condescended and attacked and told a Jewish fan her reactions were invalid.

If flamethrower cared about Jewish representation in fandom, opposing antisemitism, and Jewish fans, she could have compromised with some sort of warning in some fashion.

Even if she were absolutely opposed to a warning of any kind, she could have not condescended and invalidated the experiences of Jewish fans trying to speak with her.

Even if she couldn’t do that, she could have avoided deleting all context and then going on a posting spree that suggests an evil Jewish conspiracy is harassing her.

The only conclusions I can draw from all of this are as follows:

1) Engaging with flamethrower as a person who cares about Jewish fans is a mistake, because she cares more about presenting herself as an authority on Jewish experiences to non-Jewish fans than she does to listening to any critique, no matter how minor or polite, from a Jewish fan.

2) Flamethrower is happy to oppose antisemitism in the shallowest possible way to pat herself on the back and seek congratulations from others, but the second she’s in conflict with actual Jewish people, she resorts to vague and just barely deniable antisemitism herself.

3) Flamethrower is unable to accept anything she perceives as criticism, no matter how kindly it’s presented, because she’s too invested in presenting herself as the absolute expert on every topic she has passingly researched for a fic. Her defensiveness over a trivial topic is merely odd, but on more serious topics, it becomes problematic.

4) No one has harassed flamethrower, and nothing she is construing as harassment is part of a “setup” or conspiracy.

5) I probably don’t know how to use Tumblr properly.

Edited to Add: What I Think Is a Lie

I have been refreshing flamethrower’s tumblr nearly non-stop since this began, as have several people I know. Unless the offer of a different tag occurred in a private message, I am confident in saying it is a lie, particularly given her instant negative reaction to the very idea as shown above. If screencaps are provided, I will of course retract this and apologize.

#deadcatwithaflamethrower #antisemitism #ofalinearcircle #flamethrower #deadcat

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highabovethecloudssomewhere · 5 years

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The BNHA Fandom and why I haven’t been creating content for it

I’d wanted to do this several months ago, when I first returned from my break through the month of February, but at the time I was wound to the point of snapping, exhausted, and overall in a pretty rough state of mind creatively. I’ll go into why in a moment, but either way, now, I think enough time has passed for me to be able to articulate my thoughts in a readable way that makes sense.

Before I get into it, let me start by saying:

A lot of this is personal. A lot of you will agree with me; a lot of you will disagree with me. Overall, please take this as my own personal thoughts and experiences. I’m doing this in the hopes that you can at least understand my mindset and where I’m coming from. I’m not attacking anyone particularly. I just want you to be able to understand, because you’ve all stuck with me this long, and feel you deserve an explanation.

This is not a callout post. This is just me, a tired writer and creator, explaining my mindset in a way that I hope you can understand. And maybe even relate to.

This has been long overdue. Here we go.

I started writing fanfiction for BNHA somewhere in between the spring and summer of 2017. Around that time, the show’s second season was airing and quickly gaining traction. I hopped on the bandwagon, fell in love, and began creating content for it before I even finished watching the anime.

From there, I read the manga, and before I knew it, I had a new favorite series. And for a long time, it was my favorite series. I loved the cast of characters, I loved the engaging story, I loved all the different arcs, and I loved how the characters played off each other and grew through each other. I still love the characters with all my heart.

And this is where I start ranting. This is where a lot of you are gonna disagree with me. This is where the fandom divides.

Because ever since last year, the fandom has been in a meticulous state of divide, hate, arguments, controversy, and disarray. And suddenly logging onto social media to breeze through a boring 10 minutes became a truckload of fandom divide, arguments, hate, and overall toxicity.

Of course, not all of the fandom is like this. It’s wrong to generalize like that. But oh my god, the divide in the fandom is bad. Maybe it’s not as bad as it could be. I’m sure it could be a hell of a lot worse. But it is bad. And it didn’t help the fact that [SPOILERS FOR THE MANGA] Endeavor, one of the series’ most hated characters (up to a point), had his own development arc. As a survivor of abuse and someone still fighting through it now, seeing this abusive character get such an arc in the story--arcs that his abused wife didn’t get, arcs that his abused children (sans Shouto) didn’t get--really, really crushed me. And that mashed with the declining state of the fandom for a whole mess of hurt and disappointment. [END OF MANGA SPOILERS]

Since then, it’s only gotten worse. The arguments are more heated than ever. The creator is being harassed (again, actually. This isn’t the first time). There’s so much war between users in the fandom, and even if the entire fandom isn’t a part of the fighting, they’re still affected by it. They’re like me, trying to make my way peacefully through it and inevitably running into so much divide and hatred it’s unbelievable.

Every fandom has its bad parts. But as of late, all the bad in the BNHA fanbase has been more prevalent than the good. And that’s not even going into the issues I have with the original source material, or the fact that I’m no longer reading it. I’m not going to get into that, because that isn’t the point.

And here’s where it gets personal. Here’s where “general fandom crap that every fandom has” became even more than that.

In February of this year, I needed a break. So I took one. I posted no content through the month of February, consumed some other media (Ao no Exorcist and Mob Psycho 100 specifically), wrote stuff to post come March. And it was alright. Taking a break from the fandom was just what the doctor ordered.

And then I returned. And I started posting again. And god, did the floodgates open.

The attacks, the toxicity, the hate, flooded into comments. Demanding why I didn’t update when they wanted to; questioning what took me so long; ordering me to never do that again. Several comments that only contained the word “finally.” An entire, maxed-out page of the word “update” and nothing more. False accusations that were removed/deleted before anything could come out of them. And now, recently, a stolen work of mine up on Wattpad.

If you go looking into the comments sections of my fics, you might find a couple. But only because I didn’t delete them. Up until this point, I’d hoped I’d be able to shove it under the rug, so to speak. After all, in my experience, the fandom was already full of toxicity. Of course. I should expect it, right? Expect it, not let it get to me, and move on.

Except, it didn’t stop there. When I started posting again in March, along with my BNHA updates came a few works from the other fandoms I’d dabbled in. Specifically, Mob Psycho 100 fics.

The bulk of the comments I got on those MP100 fics (comments which have long since been deleted, of course) were from anonymous users demanding to know when I was going update my BNHA fics.

Crazy, right. Give them nearly 1 million words worth of content from one fandom, and the second you try creating anything for another fandom, they come at you with pitchforks. It’s... actually really sad. And I felt trapped.

Because at that point, to them, I was a creator. I was a writer. But I wasn’t a person.

And of course, not everyone was like this. The majority of people were happy to see me writing again. They were understanding and encouraging, not just of my works, but of my taking time off, too. I have a wonderful community, I really do. And I’m so thankful for each and every one of you who offer such positivity towards me and my works. Those of you who treat me like a person.

But... it was a lot. Too much all at once, really. During what was already a really hard, dark time in my life. During a time when the majority of the stuff I wrote were vent/coping fics, because writing was the one thing I knew I could run to for solitude. And, by the end of February, I was scared of updating my bnha fics. Because I didn’t know if I could handle every update ending in a flood of demanding comments from people who cared more about what I could give them than about me as a person.

You may be reading this and think I’m overreacting. You may be looking at all this and saying to yourself, “Oh, that isn’t so bad. [Creator] has been through worse and they’re still writing.”

Which I guess then begs the question: am I overreacting?

No.

No, I’m not.

Because this incident made me question my worth as a writer. Made me question if I was only worth the content I'm able to produce. And as someone who’s already driven by my abilities, as someone who already pushes myself, as someone who can only be proud of myself if I have something to show for it (which is a toxic mindset that I’m trying my damndest to work myself out of), this was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

On one hand, when I was able to pull myself through this whole fiasco, when I was able to ingrain it in my head that I’m more than what I create, I was okay. I could write. I’m still writing now. Focusing on an original project as well as smaller projects in other fandoms.

But on the other hand, the past couple times I’ve opened any WIPs I have for my BNHA fics, I’ve hesitated. I’ve opened them, and they were left open, untouched, until I closed them at night before I went to bed.

Because I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

Because I can’t bring myself to write for this fandom anymore.

So, there you have it. A long, unedited, overdue explanation that I’ve been struggling to get off my chest for far too long. Does it make sense? Maybe. I don’t know. I hope at least you can understand where I’m coming from. Even if you think I’m overreacting, I hope you can at least see my side of this.

So, what does this mean for my in-project bnha works?

For stories like LAH and AHDAI, which are in their final stages (both with only one chapter and an epilogue left to go), I plan on finishing those. I’m proud of both those projects and want to finish strong. When will they be finished? Good question. I don’t know.

As for my more recent works--specifically Resident Ghost--I honestly have no idea. I’m trying to pull myself through a few chapters, trying to at least tie up the USJ arc, but I honestly don’t know at this point. And I feel bad. Because I have ideas, I have thoughts, I have a story to tell, but the motivation isn’t there anymore. And that’s the battle right now.

I really want to be able to write and finish it. And I’m gonna try my damndest to do it. But I can’t promise speed. All I can promise is that I’m going to try my best. I don’t know what else to say. What else to do.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. Thank you for supporting me and being a wonderful part of this community. I love you guys so much. You’re such an encouragement, and honestly, a big portion of what’s kept me going for this long. Maybe I’ll be able to keep writing like I did someday. Maybe I’ll work myself out of this eventually.

Until then, I hope this explanation has been enough. Thank you for all your support.

#me #cloud speaks #this got way longer than I wanted it to #but #it had to be said #it's had to be said for a long time now #please don't fight over this #please #this is a personal explanation of my personal experiences #i'm not damning the show or the fandom #please don't get into arguments over this

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shadowgirl01 · 5 years

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Confession in a song (RocketxReader)

Disclaimer: This story was inspired from Grace, the fandom writer in YouTube. Her stories are truly inspiring to make other stories besides hers, so I encourage you check out her videos and please give her a lot of love, by leaving likes to her videos. I also hope that you enjoy this story, and I'm sorry if it's long.

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I was only thirteen y/o when I was stolen from my home, and sold to an refinement center, where they make strong and lethal people from pain and tests. I was know as 89P16, and I was going through over twenty different procedures, which was very painful for me. I never had anyone to talk to, at least that's what I thought.

After three years, I was sixteen when Nova corp. found me and took me to their hospital, and I was scared about needles or injections. Every time I saw a needle going to my skin, without trying to calm down, I faint for about 5-10 minutes. My fear only grew stronger every time I saw it pointing towards me, but I learned that when I sing, I lose thought of the needle on me. When Nova found out about this, they thought that I could be in a group of people after all.

Now I'm eighteen, and I've been with the guardians of the galaxy for two years. I was only good at tending wounds, and singing. They notices that when I sing in a stage, at a bar, they found out that when I sing, you show your emotions and when I'm done, the beekeeper pays me 1,800 units, which to them was quite surprising. I earned the name, "Vocal Angle." I kinda liked the name, and grew with that name.

I couldn't help but fall in love with the one and only, Rocket Raccoon. I didn't know why I fell in love with him, maybe it was because I liked to feel small from his harsh ways of treating me. He would always find out that I was the one sorting out his tools and makes his workspace clean and organized, even though he appreciates it, he always says to let him know, before I do anything.

I was often confused about it, but when we had to sit next to each other. Rocket would just flat out refuse to sit next to me. I did understand his behaviour, and when I asked the crew about it, they had different answers, which made me even more confused. "He's just being an d#ck," Quill would say, while he looks at the screen in search for, Gamora. "Perhaps he's having difficulties opening up to you," Mantis would say. "He's being a stubborn furry guy, as always," Drax would tell you as he sharpens his blades, which scares me. "I've been by his side for five years, and he's just having issues after what happened," Nebula would answer while looking at my eyes. "I am Groot(I can't say.)" Groot would say as he plays his game, even though I couldn't understand him. "Maybe he's being cautious towards you, (y/n)," Thor replies.

After I cleaned the dishes and stovetop from breakfast, Quill came to the kitchen, and asked me, "Hey (y/n), you feeling okay?" I nodded, "yeah I'm fine, why?" He answered, "because I noticed that you were quite spooked when you saw rocket at your door." I stopped. I guess I've been found out, I thought to myself. He asked again, "is it because of Rocket, you've been down recently?" I nodded again, and he laughed. I punched him in the arm asking in a shout, "What's so funny?!" He stopped then answered, "you didn't have to feel abused just for him to love you." I shook my head, "no, it's not that. I know how much pain he went through because before you guys took me in from the Nova Corp., I was experimented from the same laboratory he was from, and I manage to move on from three years of abuse, yet I'm still scared of needles, or injections." He then understood where I was going, and said that he'll drop this conversation. I nodded and went to my room to prep it up better, which took an entire day, and when I was done, I fell to my bed, passed out.

One night I heard a scream, it was Rocket's voice. I rushed to his room and asked if he as alright, he answered, "Yeah, I'm fine. Just had a nightmare, that's all." This was the first time I saw him without his suit, and he only had boxers on. I also noticed he looked more scared then his usual self. I knew what was in his nightmare because of his eyes of experimental abuse.

I knealed in front of him to be at his eye level. "Rocket, I knew that fear in your eyes. You had that nightmare, did you? The reason I know, is because I had that same nightmare, too. You probably know about this, but I too was experimented as, '89P16' at my three years of abuse. I know how that felt, to be torn apart, and put back together, created into you don't want to be." Rocket looked right into my eyes, and I noticed that he must've been crying in his sleep because his eyes were hot pink. He was looking at me, shocked and sad at the same time. He then understood how much I felt, by placing his left hand on my right shoulder, telling me, "I'm so sorry, (y/n). I didn't know you went though the same amount if suffering like me, and I'm sorry about the way I was treating you." I told him when I placed my hand on top of his while looking down, and at my left, "I get it. I'm not the best girl you met in the entire galaxy." He shook his head and placed his right hand and lifting my chin, "no (y/n), you are actually someone I can relate to. You always put up with my crap, and became my friend even though I didn't want you to. Not only that, you went thought the same abuse I went through. If anything, you moving on from that pain and suffering, is quite a brave move for a young woman." I looked into his eyes, hoping that he was lying, but I saw honesty and a spark of love in his eyes. I blushed, "Well, your my inspiration to move forward after all." He looked at me, and pulled me into a hug. I was shocked and slowly returned the small and gentle embrace, by wrapping my arms around his small waist. I notice that where my head was, his fur was so soft and fuzzy. I moved my face close to his neck, to feel his fur on my face. He shivered at my touch, and purred. I then petted his head, and he was tense at first. I told him, "it's okay, it's okay." He then relaxed after a few seconds, and I began to sing a little song I remembered mom singing to me when I was six.

Let's go in the garden. You'll find something waiting. Right there where you left it, lying upside down. When you finally find it, you'll see how it's faded. The underside is lighter when you turn it around. Everything stays, right where you left it. Everything stays, but it still changes. Ever so slightly. Daily, and nightly. In little ways, where everything stays.

Rocket's POV

She sang so passionately, that when she almost finished the song, I began to feel tired. I didn't think I could find a girl to put up with me. I figured a girl with no common sense could like me, but here she is. I asked her, "(y/n)?"

"Hm?" I swear her voice can end me, "(y/n), why do you put up with me?" I honestly didn't mean to sound desperate.

Reader's POV

I did felt heartbroken when he asked me that. He probably didn't know why I was often sticking my neck out for him when he was in his bad moods. I told him while looking at him, " I put up with you, is that you still feel pain from the past. I can tell, and I'm willing to help you let the past go. I even began to notice how you look at me when you thought I didn't noticed. I'm just glad to be with you, and your team, because you guys made me feel the one thing I thought I wouldn't feel again." He looked at me and asked, "what?" I told him, "you guys made feel like I was part of this family, and allowed me to call this ship, home." I kissed his nose and he looked shocked, and chuckled, "Screw this I've waited long enough." He then pulled the neck of my shirt and gave me a passionate kiss. I was shocked, and slowly kissed back, with my arms around his waist again. He deepened the kiss and brushed his tongue to my lips, asking for an entrance. I accepted and his tongue roamed in my mouth, as mine did for his, gaining dominance.

After twenty minutes, he and I parted to breath. Rocket then stated, "You...You kissed me back." I explained with a smile, "Of course, I did. I love you, Rocket." He hugged me and in tears, "I love you too, (y/n)." I calmed him down, and sang the song again. After five minutes of singing that same song, I noticed that he was breathing evenly. He must've fallen asleep, I thought. I carried him into bed, but as I was about to lay him down, he held onto me, muttering, "Please stay with me, I don't want the nightmares again." I smiled and laid in bed, with his head on my chest. I was falling asleep and sure enough, he and I had the most wonderful dreams of each other, sitting in the beach, looking at the sunrise.

#rocket raccoon #gotg

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callioope · 5 years

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Questions Meme!

Hello, yes, this HAS in fact been sitting in my drafts for ages and ages. Thank you to both @crazy-fruit and @ruby-red-inky-blue for tagging me and for waiting forever for me to answer (oops)! I’m sorry I took so long, but y’all ask really good questions and I had to think about some of them!

Question Set 1

1. How are you?

Oh, I’m doing alright! Thank you for asking. The earlier part of this year was rather rough, but therapy has been helping. I’ve been rather busy these past few weeks with traveling, and my schedule going forward is rather busy, too, so while I’m excited for those things, I’m also excited for the eventual moment I can just relax.

2. What would you say are your talents?

Writing. Making fancy color-coded spreadsheets. I’ve been told that my super power is getting random (annoying) songs stuck in other people’s heads. Does that count as a talent?

3. If you had the chance to start your life again, would you take it?

NOPE. No thanks. I like where I am at right now, and I would not want to relive my awkward years. Er, at least, my more awkward, younger years. Cuz I’m totally still awkward. Just less awkward. I hope?

4. Which language would you like to speak instantly?

HMM. ALL OF THEM. It’s really hard to choose!

Language fascinates me, and in another life I feel like I would have devoted a lot more time to learning more of them. Unfortunately, I really hated German class in high school because of the teacher’s tendency to put people on the spot -- I think that is sort of inherent in a language class, but I get anxiety speaking in public.

Anyways, I suppose I’ll answer Turkish to this question, since spouse and I keep saying we’re going to try to learn Turkish via Duolingo. For the record, my HS offered six languages, which was the most I’ve ever heard of an American school offering, and I was always quite happy with my choice of German. (The others were Spanish, French, Italian, Chinese, and Latin.) I do wish I had maintained my German better, and I that I had more time to learn Spanish.

5. Where would you like to be right now?

Honestly? I’m pretty happy when I’m at home. But if I had to answer where “else” would I like to be right now, out of the whole world? Being back on safari in Botswana is a top contender, as are a variety of places in Turkey, and also Munich.

6. What name would you give yourself?

I’ve always liked my actual name (Elizabeth). I know I go by Liz; one of my HS friends was quite stubborn and I’m a bit stuck with it now, but I don’t mind it. There are worse nicknames that come from Elizabeth. I used to go by Fiona online; I’ve always been fond of that one.

7. What is something you’re currently learning?

OOF, what a good question. I sorta blanked on this at first, and my first thought was uhhhh learning how to cope with my OCD??? I’m doing exposure therapy right now, ish. Emphasis on the ish. Also mindfulness. Does that really even count? I started a beginner’s knitting project several months ago that I never finished, does that count? (I just need to seam it, that’s what I’m putting off. I have knit plenty of scarves; however, this is my first hat.) I’m sort of teaching myself ukulele although I haven’t really learned any new chords or songs in awhile. I would very much like to take more photography classes with a focus on wildlife photography. That involves buying a new camera and... signing up for classes.

Question Set 2

1. What is a detail in a piece of art/a text that you like that you really admire?

This was very difficult, at first because it was like looking at a bin full of loose things and just seeing an assortment of color and being overwhelmed by it all, and then because once I did start digging around, I kept finding different ideas and it was too hard too choose.

Character-building: In the A Song of Ice and Fire series, when Arya starts working for the House of Black and White, Martin stops using the name “Arya” as she dons different identities. For example, he uses “Cat” for a bit, among other names. It shows she’s trying to be someone else, but the caveat is that there are still little mannerisms and such that show she hasn’t really left Arya behind (I think maybe she bites her lip or something? I don’t remember specific examples because it’s been over 5 years since I read these books, but I do remember really appreciating the general technique at the time).

Music: In The Beatles’ “I Want You (She’s So Heavy)” I love those repeated arpeggios, over and over, building, intensifying, as the white noise comes in and you can just feel the heaviness of desire, of want... (and then I love how it just breaks so suddenly! And I know it wouldn’t have been intended this way because that’s the end of side one, but since I listen to the whole album on spotify, then those bright chords of “Here Comes the Sun” come in and god Abbey Road is the best Beatles album)

Writing: the poetry of Florence + The Machine’s “All This and Heaven Too,” obviously, since literally the title of my blog comes from that. I’d quote that whole song honestly. There’s something that speaks to me about the incapability of language to fully encompass just... everything. I mean, love in specific here, but also just everything. Words are just these little boats we put meaning on and we hope they make it to the other side but everyone takes ‘em a little differently.

Like, look at this:

And the words are all escaping, and coming back all damaged And I would put them back in poetry if I only knew how

And this:

Words were never so useful So I was screaming out a language that I never knew existed before

Anyways, there’s also something just incredibly soothing about the music, too, and how she sings the song. There’s another line, from Sara Bareilles’ “Miss Simone” that goes “How does she know what a heart sounds like?” which pretty much sums up how I feel about “All This and Heaven Too” (and also many of Sara Bareilles’ song, especially that particular album, but I digress).

Anyways I did have some art examples, but I think I’ve rambled long enough.

2. Is there an idea that you really liked but had to discard because you couldn’t get it to work?

If I really like an idea, I don’t really “discard” it so much as put it on the shelf to attempt later. Out of recent fic ideas, I’ve really struggled with “How to Lose a Spy in 10 Days.” I first thought of this in late spring 2017, and for awhile I couldn’t stop thinking about it, but I was working on Whatever I Do at the time, and wanted to wait before starting another WIP. By the time I got to writing this, the inspiration well had sort of dried up.

I really like the idea of a fun cat-and-mouse rom-com idea where Jyn and Cassian keep outsmarting each other, with a whole lot of competency kink, some “oh shit we actually work well together!” and maybe some battle couple. And I was really looking forward to both the moment when they both finally let their guards down around each other and the big confrontation when they actually find out each other’s identities. But it involved more mission writing than I was prepared for, and I really struggled with it. I think I need to start over but that involves a lot of working, so it’s unfortunately shelved for now, and I’m working on a “You’ve Got Mail” concept instead.

3. Is there something fandom-related you would like to be able to do (i.e. I’d like to be able to make gif sets but can’t)?

Oh, yes, absolutely! Really anything that’s not writing related, lol. Gif sets, art, etc. But most of all, I have a music video idea for the song “So Close” from Enchanted--like I have a whole story board plotted out in a google doc. But I don’t have any video editing software, don’t even know how you get the scenes for a music video, etc. I have made videos before, but not since high school, and I don’t even have the cheap, basic video editing program I used back then. Sometimes I think I should just attempt make a gif set instead, but there are so many lyrics! and scenes that go with the lyrics! that I don’t know how to consolidate it into that format anyways.

4. What is a skill you’ve acquired through fandom work?

Hmm, this was tough. I’m going to say HTML. I’m not up-to-date on webdesign at all, but back in my early fandom days, I ran a few fansites. I still sometimes use HTML while leaving comments or to edit posts on dreamwidth or w/e. It’s super basic, but it has helped me at work at a variety of jobs. I take it for granted that people my age should know basic HTML, but a lot of them don’t, and then a lot of people I work with now are older and definitely not tech savvy.

5. Do you think anyone can learn to create great art, or does it take talent?

Well, I’m going to cheat a little. I do think think that anyone can learn to create great art, but I also think that everyone has a talent at something, and part of learning to create great art is recognizing your skill sets and honing those. If that makes sense? I’ve sort of seen both sides to this. I’ve seen naturally talented people create great things, but I also think that they’re probably cheating themselves if they’re not learning and honing their craft and trying to get better. But I’ve also seen people who started out making things that maybe you wouldn’t call great, but they worked hard over and over again, and looking at their work now, you’d say they were talented without ever knowing the difference. Great art = talent + learning + passion. Did that even answer the question? ...moving on

6. Do you prefer AUs or in-universe? Why?

I prefer to write in-universe, for sure. I find modern AUs more challenging, mostly because--and I feel kinda bad saying this--it’s very difficult for me to tap into Jyn and Cassian’s characters without some kind of tragic background. Their experiences and how they coped with them shape their personalities, and it’s really hard to separate them from those. My WWII was easier because, hey, it’s war, not so different from in-verse. But I initially tried to write Learning Curve in a modern AU and I was just totally bored. Putting it in universe made it more interesting to me, especially having to finagle a happier plot inverse. IDK, it might even be that I generally struggle to make up any conflict in modern AUs that feels interesting.

THAT SAID, lol, I definitely read either. So it’s probably strange for me to be hung up on it because I’ve read nice fluffy modern AUs and found them perfectly engaging.

Tagging: @theputterer, @magalis, @allatariel, @mythologicalmango, @threadsketchier MY USUAL DISCLAIMER APPLIES: no pressure if you just don’t wanna, AND if anyone sees this and was like “aw hey i wish she’d tagged ME” well guess what, I wish I did too! so go ahead and do it and let me know and then i’ll know to tag you next time, too :-)

Questions:

When you suffer a setback or a series of setbacks when creating (writing, drawing, knitting, any kind of crafty project thing you work on... even work), what are some strategies you use to cope with that stress and move forward?

What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to create/make and what did you learn from it?

What part of a bicycle would you be?

What’s a helpful writing (art/crafting/work) technique you’ve learned?

What’s a piece of art that made you see things differently?

You’re a new addition to the crayon box. What color would you be and why?

What was the last board game you played and what did you like or not like about it?

*sorry these came out rather writer heavy!

#about me #tag meme

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estelofimladris · 5 years

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My Longest Day Ever in Fandom

This has been one of the hardest 48 hours for me as a fan. Really they’ve been pretty bad in the scope of me being a person, but in my fandom experience, this shit takes the cake.

** WARNING: THERE ARE SPOILERS FOR The Magicians as well as some minor spoilers for Pirates of the Caribbean, Harry Potter, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Avengers: Infinity War, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, The Flash, and Supergirl. **

** ALSO: This shit gets super personal. Don’t read if it makes you uncomfortable. **

I get that I’m specifically interested in stories of struggle and triumph. I thrive with stories about how the things worth having aren’t easily obtained. And sometimes people fail and sometimes people lie. There are horrible obstacles and things to conquer.

A bit of my fandom-inflicted past:

Will Turner was my favorite Pirates character. We had tickets not only to the three-movie marathon on opening day, but then the midnight screening. I nearly didn’t go to the second screening.

Sirius Black is why I got into Harry Potter. I got into it at the weird middle place when the books were still coming out and the movies were being made. I had been forced to read the first book when it was first published and it had left a very bad taste for me so the fact that anything could draw me into the fandom was insane. I watched Prisoner of Azkaban entirely by chance while hanging with my cousins and had read all the books by the time Goblet of Fire was released. I lived in and loved a fandom where my favorite character was dead before I even got a chance to know him.

Grant Ward was one of my two my favorite Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. characters. I rushed a Ward cosplay for WonderCon, which happened to be scheduled about a week after the release of Captain America: The Winter Soldier and less than a week after the AoS episode “Turn, Turn, Turn” aired, revealing that Ward was a brainwashed and abused Hydra sleeper agent the whole time. I then nearly scrapped the entirely completed cosplay. Instead I wore it to WonderCon and had people whispering “Hail Hydra” to me all weekend.

I spent at least three years living with a TV curse. Every show that I watched before its renewal for a second season was cancelled. To this day, I struggle to watch new shows because I fear that I will fall in love with a show only for it to be cancelled.

In the past year, I have lost 5 of my favorite characters to sudden deaths/departures:

Bucky Barnes (Avengers: Infinity War)

Harry Wells (The Flash)

Leo Fitz (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)

Winn Schott (Supergirl)

And this is about the most recent one, Quentin Coldwater (The Magicians)

I also know that there are more to come:

Avengers: Endgame comes out next week.

Arrow is ending at the end of this year.

There are more stories of woe and uncomfortable spaces in which we want to see our favorites succeed and they fail or lose or die. But this, this is more than just someone failing or losing or dying.

I survived all that other shit. I was a little off for a few days following or weeks or months or even years. But we always come back to Fandom. Maybe not the same fandom, but the big idea of Fandom. Being a fan isn’t something you can really just stop.

I got into The Magicians because of serendipity. Two of my closest friends got into the show at some point last year and had mentioned that I’d liked it, but it was one in a malaise of fandoms that I’d been told that about and I only have so many hours in the day and space in my heart. One of the people I was rooming with at SDCC this last year had freshly gotten into the show and was going to the panel. Another of my friends was going to the panel as well who had freshly gotten into the show. When I asked about it afterwards, the lovely human said they’d met a lovely other new fan. My friends had met entirely by chance at the panel and I got to hear all about how lovely the fandom was and that it was a really great panel with a lot of promise for the new season.

I got home from SDCC and, one day while curious, watched the pilot of The Magicians.

I finished the show in less than three weeks. I watched it again. I’ve probably watched this show more than any other media since August.

A bit of background about me and why this show struck a very deep chord with me:

I met my entire close group of friends, my found family, because of Lord of the Rings. I learned Sindarin (elvish) in high school. Every screen name I have is related to my love and foundation of loving Lord of the Rings. I have a tattoo in elvish.

I grew up around a lot of mental illness. I myself have been diagnosed and treated for adolescent/adult ADD, but members of my family as well as every best friend I’ve ever had, has been depressed and most were suicidal. I had to confront my best friend over suicide attempts at 13. My brother was treated for extremely aggressive childhood depression when I was a kid.

I’m also queer. Still working to unstick myself from some definitions I’ve given myself, but I’m definitely genderqueer and androphilic and exploring my romantic identity in part because of this show.

I’ve delt with death my whole life. My first grandparent (maternal grandfather) died when I was 5 or 6. My last grandparent (paternal grandmother) died when I was 22. I had a dear friend die in a motorcycle accident in 2015. I’ve been there for people who have lost loved ones suddenly and held people’s hands through the deaths of parents, loved ones, and children.

I also am about to complete my third and final year of an insanely rigorous graduate costume design program.

This show felt like it was made for me to love it. It made it so easy.

The fandom was a loving community that welcomed me immediately and I have thrived there. I would come home from a crazy day at school, put on an episode of the show, and get lost in the lovely fandom that I’d found myself in. I mean that both ways. Yes, I tripped and fell and found myself among excellent people. But more importantly, I found myself in ways I didn’t expect through The Magicians.

Through a series of very unfortunate events, I stopped reading Fan Fiction about 7 or 8 years ago. I would occasionally write something, but nothing that I cared about what anyone thought about it. It was only writing that had to be written not writing for an audience in any way.

The Magicians got me reading Fan Fiction again. I drew fan art. I participated in discussions on the meta. I joined in when I don’t really have the free time, but it felt so good.

In Quentin in particular, I found a part of myself that was seldom voiced. This melancholy nerd who was Doing His Very Best™ all the time tapped into the kid who loved something so much it transformed their life. It spoke to the parts of me that I don’t talk about that feel like a fraud and a floundering fool. The Magicians told me that I’m not some pathetic thing. That I’m part of my world and that I belong. That it’s ok to re-think about sexuality and romance as an adult. It spoke to my struggles with school and creating something from absolutely fucking nothing.

Something that I’ve not told many people: I’ve struggled with feeling worthy of love. I’ve had some really big relationships that ended poorly and ever since coming out as genderqueer and living my truth, I’ve been single. Watching Quentin be so worthy of love and struggle with that himself, he really shifted my views on relationships.

So, Wednesday was, needless to say, rough.

The fun twist though, I have a mandatory class on Thursday mornings. I had a lot of anxiety about this finale already because I had a notion that something horrible was going to happen because its a Magicians finale. I really struggled to work on homework for the past week. (I texted a friend on Wednesday “How am I supposed to work under these conditions!?” partway through the day.)

This anxiety resulted in not all of my homework being done by the time I had set aside to cook a delicious dinner and settle in to watch the episode with friends. So at the end, after I had cried, drank, nearly threw up from being upset, and was all-in-all a complete wreck, I then proceeded to work on homework until I couldn’t, then I put myself to bed with an alarm set to wake up early and finish, but woke up with a nearly-vomiting anxiety attack (which I don’t get ever) an hour before my alarm.

I finished my homework on my 1.5 hours of sleep, went to class, tried to be eloquent and not burst into tears. I sorta succeeded at both, thankfully. My work was... sub-par, but present, which was the only real requirement. Despite some close calls, I didn’t cry until I was in my car driving home.

I got home, cried a lot, tried to eat and sleep (and failed at both) and ended up having a second wake with another friend and drinking, which finally made me fall asleep.

Throughout the day, I seriously considered deleting every Magicians post from my queue and even my Tumblr as a whole. I thought about dropping out of fandom entirely, including conventions, cosplay - all of it. I thought about selling or donating all of the considerable amount of Magicians merch and related items (cosplay, decor, fan-made merch) that I’ve accumulated in the past few months. I thought about shaving off the hair that I grew out specifically for Quentin that helped me re-shape my queer identity over the past few months.

I woke up in the middle of the night again with more panic attacks. It took sitting with my best friend to make me really fall asleep and stay asleep.

Today, I’m looking back at this whole experience up to this point and I’m so exhausted. I’m tired of crying over something that just brought me so much deep joy. I miss my fandom. We’re all in mourning and its chilling.

I decided somewhere in my insanity yesterday that I need to reclaim The Magicians that I loved. I posted about how it will take time, but they can’t kill the love that transformed my life.

I’m still not sure how to get out of this horrible raw place, but I know time will help. And actually eating a real meal.

I’m sharing all of this because I’m not the only one in this place. If you’re struggling, you are not alone.

I see you. I feel you.

Thank you for being a part of this fandom that has so heavily enriched my life. You are loved. We will find ourselves again.

#personal #but also about the magicians #fandom #the magicians #quentin coldwater #i'm a fucking disaster right now

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