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skzhocomments · 9 months

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Mafia Book #2 - PART I - The Black Iris - Chapter 2 - Time Machine

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Chapter 1 | Chapter 3

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PART I - THE BLACK IRIS

Chapter 2 - Time Machine

chapter word count: 4k words

This is it. She thought. It will finally end. Just one more step.

She breathed in anxiously a couple of times, her chest rising up and down rapidly, and after a few moments of gathering her courage, deep breaths in her lungs, she jumped.

She expected to be free falling for a couple of seconds until she inevitably hit the cold water down below, the impact probably shattering enough bones for her to be unable to swim, and drown if she somehow survived the impact.

However, instead of the liberating feeling of free falling and then the bliss of death, she felt herself dangling over the dark abyss under her.

Her whole body was being forcefully pulled back up by two strong arms, and she was surprised to see Minho's horrified, breathless figure.

Just like last time. he thought. I just can't stay away.

Seeing someone commit suicide never phased Minho. More often than not, he was the reason behind people taking their own lives instead of suffering at his cruel hands. So why did he intervene? Why did he run over to the other side as quickly as he could, praying that he'll get there in time to stop her?

He's certainly never prayed for anything else before.

Why did he care?

They only shared one kiss and some silent greetings from the other side of the bridge.

That's all.

So why did he find himself pulling on her arm with all his strength?

"Yah," he started. "if you really want to give up on your life so easily, give it to me."

Did she hear him right?

"What are you saying?" she asked, perplexed. "Why did you stop me?"

Despite what she just tried to do, she was composed and calm. The only indication that she could've been nervous were her still rapid breaths.

"You heard me. Instead of throwing it all away, give it to me. I'll handle it with care, doll."

His gaze was burning through her skull, but the scariest thing of it all was that he actually looked like he meant it.

He wanted her. Badly.

And he always got what he wanted, one way or another.

Minho let go of her arm and bent down to pick her shoes, helping her put them on.

Her still expressionless face turned into a frown, as she spoke:

"Minho, there's nothing you can use me for. I don't feel anything anymore. I'm broken beyond repair..."

"I doubt that, Iris. So, why don't you join me?" He stood up and held out his hand towards her expectantly.

"I'm not doing this for you, just so you know. I'm doing this for me." He continued, bringing a small chuckle out of her.

Iris noticed the familiar lust in his eyes and she knew that it had nothing to do with her whatsoever. She knew he was infatuated with her from the first moment their eyes met, and the touch of their tongues two months ago only proved so further.

She had to be crazy to take his hand.

But what was there to lose that she hasn't already lost?

So, as crazy as it seemed, she grabbed his hand and held on to it for dear life.

He reciprocated the gesture and gently folded his palm to completely capture hers, both starting to walk away from the bridge.

"Where are we going?" she asked, walking next to him leisurely.

"Hmm, what about a hotel for now? I can't take you home just yet."

"Why not? Do you have a girlfriend waiting for you? A few children you're trying to run away from?"

"Pff, girlfriend? Why not wife?" He chuckled.

"Because you don't wear a ring, nor do you have any mark on your finger to indicate that you ever wore one."

"Observant."

"That's my job."

"Yea? What do you do for a living?"

"I studied psychology for a few years, and now I'm a therapist." She said, before muttering a small "Was." under her breath, too quiet for Minho to hear.

"Beautiful and smart. But doll, since you're going to follow me, you'll need to stop working. I'll give you as much money as you want anyway."

"... As you know, I was planning to die tonight, so I quit my job already. But really? How much money is that?"

"You name it. No amount is off the table."

"1 million dollars."

"Sure. That's nothing." He shrugged.

"Hm, is that so? Let me ask you one question then – are we talking cash only?"

Minho stopped and looked at her.

"What is it, doll?" Iris smirked.

"Why would you ask that?"

"Hmm." She shrugged. "Since you know what I do for a living, shouldn't you also tell me what you do?"

"Seems you already figured it out somehow." A mischievous grin appeared on his face.

"Perhaps. Let me know how close I am. Your fighting skills are immaculate, and you carry yourself with a lot of confidence. You could've been a policeman, in a perfect world, maybe, but since you're willing to throw so much money out the window for, essentially, a stranger, I'd say there's no way. You're a gangster, maybe?"

He fooled around with many girls before, with some of them even for multiple months until he inevitably got bored, but they never came close to at least guessing what he did. No matter how much money he'd throw their way, how many details he'd share. They were all oblivious.

But Iris?

Oh, how intelligent she was. Way too delicious.

"You knew, but still chose to follow me?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Mhm. You know, Minho? I've had many clients and I've dealt with many criminals in my short-lived career. Maybe some of them your friends?" She winked playfully. "It became so easy to see through them... they're all like glass. Their intentions are clearly visible to me."

"Is that so?" He asked, curiosity lacing his tone. He wanted to know more about her.

"You, however... seem to be more human than any other criminal or normal person I've met. Since I can't seem to get rid of you and you won't even let me die in peace... why not just join you and satisfy this curiosity of mine?"

"They say if you play with fire, you get burned."

"I'm not wooden, Minho. I'm gasoline."

Oh, how much he liked her.

"Why work with criminals, though? Why pick that field instead of living a chill life and listening to regular people's rants?"

"..."

"Is it the same reason that brought you on top of the bridge's railing tonight?"

"You're observant as well." She smiled. "It is. I just... wanted to get something back for myself."

"You've said that before."

"I didn't, though. I didn't get it back. I don't know how to get it back. So, I did the only thing that could stop this... train of thoughts I can't shut down."

"What is it that you lost?"

"That's a story for another night, doll." She smiled. "Do take me to your house though, will you? No hotels."

"If you insist..."

~Iris' POV~

"Shit, you weren't joking when you said a million bucks is nothing to you." I remarked, as Minho led me to an enormous house in the heart of the city. If not for the large gates where the garden starts, you'd think this was in the middle of a public park, judging by the size.

"Of course I wasn't." Minho rolled his eyes.

I was impressed. This was one big ass house you normally only see in movies, or on Google Maps if you're bored enough, and it's so perfectly strategically hidden, that you wouldn't even know such a wonderful mansion is hiding among the greenery.

"So, who else lives here?"

"My brothers and sisters, you'll get along well." He winked, opening the big mansion's door.

As soon as you could peek inside, the first thing you'd see is a big ballroom-like space with an intricate staircase leading upstairs.

What kind of parties must be happening here? I thought, but brushed the thought away. I didn't want to end up caught in superficial details, even though getting lost in details was what I was most used to doing.

When we entered, a very attractive man stepped out of a room on the right side – what seemed to be a kitchen – and stared at us intimidatingly.

"Who is this?" he asked coldly, eyeing me up and down.

What a bad day to not wear my usual work clothes: the pencil skirt and my high heels. It would've been a different kind of power play, perhaps, taking into account the man's elegant attire.

"Chris, hello to you too." Minho replied, taking my hand in his protectively. His hand was warm, and his thumb grazed over mine assuringly.

You are safe. Is what he wanted to tell me. I will protect you no matter what.

This Chris dude, despite his daunting appearance, looked absolutely harrowing. His skin was dull, his eyes puffy, big dark circles surrounding them, and his hands were shaking a bit; he had ridges around his nails' bed.

Sleep deprivation and vitamin B deficiency. I thought.

"Yes, yes, hello." He replied, slight irritability in his tone. "Now, back to this question, who is this?"

"Well, 'this' is right in front of you, and you can address her directly." I spoke, taking my hand out of Minho's and handing it towards the man, in anticipation of a shake.

"I am Iris. It's nice to meet you, Chris." I put on my best smile, following his reactions.

He contemplated for a second before shaking my hand, his eyes staring directly into mine. They were devoid of any emotion; only an authoritative figure would be able to look so soulless.

"So, Iris, what brings you to my mansion?"

"You must be the boss, then." I smiled, my words making him raise an eyebrow.

"And you must know what we're doing, then. Minho, may we have a word in private?"

~Minho's POV~

"Minho, may we have a word in private?" Chan spoke, his cold gaze meeting mine. I needed to play my cards right.

What should I say? Should I lie? Should I tell him I'm in love with her or something? I thought, but before having enough time to react, Iris started speaking again.

"Chris, I'm a licensed therapist specialising in psychological criminology and Minho brought me here to help all of you manage your emotions. Of course, I won't interfere in any way with your business, nor do I care for it too much." she shrugged.

What game is she playing?

For a brief moment, confusion was written all over Chan's face, before it contorted with anger.

"Why?" He asked, annoyed. "What are you getting out of it?"

"Out of what?" Iris asked, her brows furrowing as if she was puzzled by his sudden outburst.

"Out of coming here."

"... A fresh start, and I've been promised some pretty bucks." She replied after contemplating for a few seconds. "So, I followed him." Iris smiled and pointed her thumb to me.

"Minho, I told you countless times that I don't need therapy, and what do you do? You go out of your way and bring in a stranger-"

"Don't you, though?" Iris interrupted him; her tone was harsh, as if she was threatening him.

"Look, I don't know what he told you about me, but-"

"He didn't tell me anything." She smiled. "I never get info on my clients from somebody else. I like to make my own analysis. Actually, before walking through the door I didn't even know your name, nor did Minho mention anything about you specifically needing therapy. But after speaking with you for just 2 minutes, I can tell you need help, and I can help you."

"I don't need any help. I already told you." He retorted, defence lacing his tone.

"Chris, let me point something out to you. You are currently trembling, and you are getting more irritated by the minute. You most likely don't know why you're shaking, nor why your hands and feet are probably tingling right now. Either that, or they are completely numb."

"..."

"Okay... since you let me continue... I can tell from a glance that you have a severe case of insomnia and a lack of appetite that is causing all sorts of issues with your body, mainly a vitamin deficit. I'm no doctor, though, so you might want to get that checked out."

Fuck, she's good. I smirked. She was really observant, and she completely got Chris' attention.

"No, I'm really okay-"

"What did you eat today?"

"... what?"

"How much?" Iris kept her professional smile on her lips.

"... one apple?"

"And yesterday?"

"..."

"Two days ago? Last week? Last month?"

"Look, I told you-"

"Aren't you feeling more drained of energy than ever?"

"..."

"And right now, Chris... you started involuntarily fidgeting. Are you feeling restless? Why are you breathing faster and sweating, hm? Could it be that... everything I said... was spot on... and you're getting nervous?" she smiled gently.

"This doesn't mean anything..." he rubbed his nape.

"Let me help you."

"I don't need help."

"We can get to the bottom of it together." She spoke calmly.

Her sweet voice was becoming an obsession; it was melody to my ears. Would she speak that gently to me as well?

It was like magic. The way she articulated her words made you want to open up to her, to let her know anything and everything. Maybe what they say is true, and every human being has something to them that makes them special. Some sort of magic.

Maybe that thing about Iris was her soothing voice.

"No." Chris replied again, lowering his head and rubbing his forehead. "You can't do anything to help me. No one can."

"That's not true."

"Unless you can change the past." Chan chuckled bitterly. He probably didn't realise it, but he was opening up to her just by telling her this small detail – that there was something in his past that needed to be changed somehow, that he was powerless in this regard, however, and there was no way to change anything.

It was the first time since killing Hyo that Chan seemed not so opposed to the idea of trusting someone new.

Maybe it was because I was the one to bring Iris here. He could've pulled out his gun and shot her, with how impulsive he's been lately. This was the reason why I was reluctant to bring Iris to this place, instead of a hotel. We've all been walking on eggshells around him.

But he didn't.

Maybe he still trusted my judgement.

He didn't ever hold Emilia's death over my head, even though I shared part of the blame for it. I, too, trusted Hyo more that night, and accepted every word she told us without questioning them for a second. Still, in Chan's eyes, I was not at fault, and he never blamed me.

Maybe that's why I felt so responsible for everything, why I so desperately wanted to make things right.

"I'm afraid I can't do that." Iris touched his shoulder, making him flinch. However, he didn't move away. "I can't turn back time."

It was such a simple sentence, but it managed to bring a smile to Chan's face. The first genuine one I've seen lately. Last one was at Changbin's birthday party, but even that felt like a lifetime ago. It just occurred to me that he no longer smiles as carefree or brightly as he used to. It was so weird to see Chris like this again, but it felt so good, too. Liberating, almost.

Maybe all he needed all this time was to open up to someone else, a stranger with no ties to what went down that could objectively analyse the facts, that wouldn't be emotionally involved.

"I can, however, help you make sense of what happened in the past, and make you start accepting where you went wrong, instead of blaming and tormenting yourself to the point of self-destruction." Iris continued, returning his smile.

Her magic seemed to have the same effect on Chris as it did on me, I figured after hearing a small whisper saying "Okay."

"Thank you." She resumed her spot next to me and grabbed my hand, squeezing it.

She must've been nervous as well, but she didn't let it show at all, like a true professional.

"Then... will you show her the house, Minho?" Chan scratched his nape and started heading upstairs. "I'm really tired, I'll try to take a nap for now."

"Sure thing, boss."

Iris grazed the whole railing with her fingertips so gently, I remember the way she drew circles on my nape when we kissed so many nights ago. She seemed so caught up in the details, that I wasn't sure if I wanted to interrupt her thoughts.

I guided her to my room, and she seemed so curious about everything, taking in as much as possible. When I first saw her and got mesmerised, I had no idea she was going to end up being here.

I've never brought anyone back home before.

"This place is so beautiful. Who are these people?" She spoke after a while, stopping in front of the wood cabinet on the left side of the room and glancing at the big picture on the wall.

"That is... every important person that ever stepped in this house."

"Tell me their names." She smiled. "And their stories. Something about them that makes them be who they are in your eyes."

"Okay..." I chuckled. "This is Jisung, my best friend. He gets me. Hyunjin is... a very artistic person. Maybe you'll be invited to the greenhouse one day, to paint."

"The greenhouse?"

"Mhm. It's an art studio in the back gardens... I'll walk you through them tomorrow, during light. The gardens are very beautiful. I think you'd like them."

"Yea." She hummed. "I think so too."

"This right here is Felix, he lightens up any room he walks in."

"His smile is beautiful." Iris complimented.

"This is Momo, she is my partner. We do business together..."

"What kind of business?"

Should I tell her?

If she's going to live here, she should know, right?

"... gun trades." I hesitated but replied after a while.

Iris just nodded.

"Changbin... is a very supportive friend. He's the next in line if something happens to Chris or me."

"He's hot." She mumbled, and I playfully slapped her arm.

"Don't." I said with a slight chuckle.

"Just saying. He hits the gym, and it shows." She shrugged.

"Anyways, this is Jeongin. He used to be... really happy. But now... you'll see. You should try talking to him too, maybe you can help him."

"Yea. I'll try."

"This over here is Hyo. We don't really... talk about her."

"Why not?"

"She... betrayed us." I spoke, remembering that night almost 2 years ago when I so blindly trusted her. "This is Seungmin. He has snarky remarks, but he's a funny guy."

"Snarky remarks. My favourites." Iris chuckled.

"You already know Chris and me. Should we go to sleep?"

"You didn't tell me who she is." Iris pointed out to the one person I didn't want to talk about, for I was still holding on to the guilt of that night.

"That's..."

"The reason why Chris wants a time machine." She pointed out plainly.

"Mhm. Emilia. Soon will be her 2-year death anniversary."

"Chris looks so happy next to her..."

"He was. He was so happy, and we all ruined it."

"How?" Iris touched my right cheek gently, wiping away a tear I haven't even realised fell off.

"I really don't like... looking at this picture."

"I know. That's okay."

"We... killed her. All of us, with the dumb decisions we made that night... when Hyo betrayed us. I can't understand how we trusted her so blindly..."

"You know, Minho? The harshest betrayal never comes from your enemies."

"I know..."

"You were not wrong to trust someone." She whispered.

"I was not right either."

"We all make mistakes. What Chris feels right now... is not your fault. Don't put all the blame on yourself."

Her hand was still on my cheek, and I leaned into her touch.

How did she know? I wondered.

How did she know that I've been pondering on this over and over, that the only reason I've been coming to the bridge at 3 AM was because it was the only place where I could stop myself from thinking of everything that I could've done differently?

How did she know that I needed to be comforted?

I haven't even shared that much, but she seemed to have it all figured it out. She seemed to understand Chris, what happened, and me.

I let my head fall on her shoulder as she took me into a warm embrace.

Her waist fit perfectly in my hands, and as I pulled my head away, I pressed our lips together. I kissed her eagerly, loving her sweet tongue on mine, but unlike last time, I didn't want to do anything that would risk her moving away from me. I let her be in control, and she thoroughly explored my mouth, our breaths turning into short gasps in the few seconds we would spend apart.

Her hands found their way to my back, holding on to me as if I were an anchor to her. I wanted more, and for a short moment, I thought she wanted more as well, as our bodies stumbled on the bed and she got on top of me, not missing a beat.

She kissed me hungrily, but I happened to be even hungrier than she was. It was getting excruciatingly hard to let her have her way with me when all I wanted was to spin us around, get on top of her and fuck her senseless.

Still, I didn't do anything besides responding to her every touch the same way, my hands never once leaving her waist.

After a bit more kissing, she pulled away, the smeared lipstick on her face and innocent look in her black eyes driving me crazy.

"I'm sorry, Minho. I think it would be best to stop here and go to sleep." Her weight disappeared from my body, and her words left me cold. "It's been a long night for me..."

"Okay." I replied, wanting to seem indifferent. Even so, she could read me like an open book, so she just chuckled.

"Don't be disappointed. In normal circumstances you'd be here alone, and I'd be lying on the bottom of the lake, lungs full of water."

"Do you really have to put it that way?" I retorted. For some reason, I disliked hearing about her death, although what she was saying was true.

We weren't exactly from different worlds. If I would've done anything stupid enough to get caught, I might have even gotten to know her. But still, both of us finding solace on that bridge, with the abyss below us, felt like fate pulling its strings.

"Why, Minho, does death bother you?" She smiled.

"It doesn't. I just want to find out why it brings you so much comfort."

She looked away. It appears I once again hit a nerve.

"I will bring you some clothes to change into. Do you mind sleeping together?"

"What, you have such a big mansion and no free rooms?" She chuckled lightly.

"There are two empty rooms..."

"But not really empty, are they?"

I nodded. She got it once more.

It felt good to not have to say out loud that Emilia's room has stayed the same ever since she left, or that there were still Hyo's socks in the drawer next to the bed in her room. So much for having empty rooms.

"Let's sleep together, then. I don't mind waking up to an attractive man that's madly in love with me." She laughed.

"Don't push it." I joked back and threw her some of my pyjamas.

She went to change, and when she returned, we laid down next to each other in bed, our feet touching.

She closed her eyes and sighed, letting her body relax against the pillow.

"What are you thinking about?" I whispered.

"This day... was insane. What am I doing here?" She chuckled.

"You gave me your life, remember?"

"Mhm. Will you give me yours as well?"

"Only if you tell me how you do it."

"How I do what?"

"How you realised how Chris was feeling, how you knew not to ask further when I told you about the rooms... how you knew that we've been hurting..." I closed my eyes as well, feeling myself get sleepy.

"It takes one to know one." She whispered.

"You were not too far off earlier." I replied, feeling myself slowly drift off to sleep. "I am kind of... in love..."

"Sleep." She commanded with a slight chuckle in that persuasive but soothing voice of hers, and listening to her, I gave in, the events of today tiring me to the point of exhaustion.

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Chapter 1 | Chapter 3

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thatstonedwriter · 29 days

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heyyy! I saw your shipping requests are open, so I decided to send one 😂 I'm fine with any character from The Boys🙏

I'm a bi korean woman with dark hair and black eyes. My first language is Russian. I work in a clinic, so I think my style is classic. I have a lot of tattoos and nose and lip piercings. I did them when I was a teenager. my tattoos are both beautiful and meaningful, I have a tattoo for the asoiaf universe, another tattoo with my favorite planet, etc.

I finished university a few years ago, and I have a degree in clinical psychology. In my country it took me more than 6 years but I was very happy. When I was a teenager, I wanted to become a clinical psychologist or therapist or psychiatrist. I was very interested in the human mind. My favorite book at that time was Crime and Punishment 😂

I read a lot of books, mostly classic and modern prose, I have a tiktok account in russian where I'm talking about my favorite books and authors (mainly Navokov and Dostoevsky). I haven't posted much lately since I'm pretty busy with other stuff.

In my free time I'm an artist, I have a blog where I post (mainly asoiaf) art. I did my first art in March when I had a lot of free time, and I wanted to draw my favorite characters. I made a great progress + already taking commissions. I love drawing, it just helps me relax (I usually listen to audio books when I draw)

I'm not very social person, I love my friends and my family, but I just don't like to be around people a lot. I live alone for almost 10 years and i love it. I wanted to get a cat a few years ago, but I decided not to. I don't know if I'm responsible enough for this.

When I was in school or uni, I always spent a lot of time studying. In school I did it cause I wanted to be better than people in my class and in uni I did it cause I loved studying. When I was a teenager I wrote a lot of poems and even won in a competition, I still write poems, but not that much and I don't show it to people anymore.

I hope that is enough info 😂😂 If I made any mistakes, I'm sorry, I still have troubles with Eng. Thank you sm♥️♥️♥️

A/n- Hello hello, and thank you so much for requesting! Your taste in art and books is so sophisticated omg. I also used to write poetry! I used to read my poems at Open Mic nights at my high school, and it was a lot of fun : ) your tattoos sound dope, too. One of your fave planet?! Please tell me which one. I think mine is Jupiter ☺️

Hope you enjoy!

I ship you with...

M.M!

Marvin really appreciates your calmer, methodical nature. Often times when the group is together, you're off with an earbud in one ear as you draw in a small space, secluded from the main area. Of course, it’s appreciated until MM needs your attention for a group meeting and you’re off in your own world. Usually he sighs, moves on, and resigns himself to explaining everything to you later- not that he minds such a softie

Your intellectualism and the way you strive for academic and personal success really sets you apart in Marvin’s eyes. Every day, he’s impressed and inspired by the dedication and care you put into all your projects- academic or otherwise.

Being less social isn’t something that Marvin takes an issue with in fact, I think he’d prefer someone more lowkey to balance out all the chaos already present in his life. I could see you two spending time reading/listening to audio books together. When you’re tired (it’s mostly just because he wants to), MM will bring you snacks so you can lay down and relax while he reads to you

MM needs a lot of help with managing his stress and OCD. It’s not the only thing that helps, but the perspectives and knowledge you’ve gained while studying psychology could potentially help with identifying coping mechanisms and ways of communication that help keep MM from breaking out with stress-hives.

Never mind any potential language barriers because MM actually puts in the effort of learning as much Russian as he can. If there are points where you can’t understand each other, Marvin has a translation app open and at the ready.

MM will forever be grateful for your sensitivity and creativity- your fascination with the human mind allows for a deeper understanding and empathy between the two of you. Any art pieces you give to MM are hung up around his designated space in the Boys’ hideout.

#the boys matchup #matchups #the boys ship #ship request #matchup request #the boys x reader #the boys #request #the boys show #anon #mm the boys #mm x reader #writings.onthe.wall

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spidersocks15 · 6 months

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Don't know where else to write this,i just need to get it off my chest for once. If you read this, you don't need to interact, this is mainly for myself.

It's been a bad day today, one of many and probably many will still follow. Tomorrow may be better,as tommorows tend to be. Now im just done again. Life again seems meaningless. I try my very best to get somewhere in life, to get an education, to then get a job and to hopefully manage it on my own later. I'm now 25, no prior diploma, still at my parents, just trying... but it doesn't feel enough, even if I give it my all. I feel less than everyone else, even if I don't have it as bad as most people. I'm in university, wonder by wonder, trying to get a bachelor's degree. And even tho things go allright, I feel I process so slowly. 3 years has past since I first started, and I'm maybe halfway through it. But I feel I'm getting worse with age. I'm not as smart is I thought I was, not as good as I thought I was, not is functional as I hoped I would be. I live in a country where I don't know the language, don't know the people, and the only lightpoint I have here, is my mother. I would do anything for her, she is basically the only reason I'm still alive and trying. I gave up living for myself long ago, so I now live trying to make her proud, to show that I actually... well I don't know. Am not a waste of life? I like reading how you need to live for yourself and make yourself proud, I know that's not for me. I learned to accept myself and my shortcomings, that's as far as I can take it. My plan is once I get my bachelor's ,to go back to my hometown try to get my life going on there. But I'm actually scared as hell. Scared to not being to function on my own. I dont know if I can live alone, have a job as I never had any (privileged much, I know), just function in general. There are people beside my mom that I love and that would fight for me and help me. I'm allways suprised to think that they exist. I love them dearly and don't want to disappoint them too. They know of my struggles, maybe not that it runs this deep. I'm even suprised that it runs so deep writhing this. I have mostly felt the same like this throughout my life, maybe more optimistic when I was younger, but I just was inexperienced about live then. I am still now, maybe a little wiser or more narcissistic for it. Something is wrong with me, God knows that if many people felt like me,there wouldn't be many people left. I'm not broken, that would indicate I was whole to begin with. I am just me, and that's just fine. I just wish I wouldn't have to feel bad all the time. There is allways this anger,hate,anxiety and God knows what other feelings in the background. I can feel happiness, but its mostly short-lived and gone before I noticed it. I looked for help, been seeing therapist since I was 10. It just doesn't work. That's probably the main reason I study psychology, looking for a way to fix myself. People allways come to me for advice and I am allways so gratefull if I can help them and see them doing better. I can finally be useful. But everytime I try to use the things that I learned on myself, it might get the edges of in the best case. I've been taking antidepressants for 15 years, and if anything, it takes the edge of too. I can't imagine how I would be if I didn't take them, might have ended it all together or I wouldn't leave my house anymore like I did back then. But I don't live it much now either. It's either going to my mom or to my eldery neighbors to play card games. I dont know how to connect with peers, I dont even understand their language. English is an option, and I do have some meaningful connections online,but I guess it isn't the same. I do have 2 friends my own age back in my hometown that I contact regularly. We mostly hang out once a year when I visit them. But even when I used to live there, it was different. I dont know if I don't have the need for social connections or don't know how to make them, I wasjust fine with chatting regularly and hang out every few months. I guess I feel the need more now I'm a bit older and feel isolated. Maybe I'll figure it out if I ever get back to live there.

I know I'm complaining and how pathetic it all sounds. I have some ideas on how to fix me,but i get so exhausted to think about them. Being social in general allready takes so much from me. Can't have 2 big social days without getting burned out. Even if I like it and enjoy every second of it, I can't be socially functional enough without needing a rest of at least a day.

If you read this far (I don't even know why you would) you might think What the hell is wrong with this person? I have no idea myself. What i do have, is an asperger diagnosis, but i feel I can't blame it for everything. I dont want to blame anyone, not society, not the world ,not even sure if i can blame myself for feeling this way.

I'm just doing my best, going on through life. Hoping on better times, that undoubtedly come, they allways do. But another bad day will come too, and they come more frequently than the good ones unfortunately. Killing myself is no option in my mind. It would just shift the problem. The people that Iove (bless them with my whole heart) would blame themselves, that they couldn't stop me or help me. So I go on, living for them and see another day.

I feel better getting this off me now, it will be better. Please,i hope that it didn't depress you if you really got this far. Venting is something I do, now I had to get a whole load off that I couldn't tell someone I know,so this seemed like a good option. You are not alone and things will be better, remember that. A phrase they allways tend to say to broken people, that is still surprisingly true.

Now I'll play some games and watch some videos to get my mind off of things. Tommorow, I'll start studying again,maybe even tonight. Never give up

#personal #rant post #personal rant #ramblings #me #sorry for being depressing #it will get better

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small-body-of-water · 1 year

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Poetry, arcane, candlelight <333

poetry - honestly i'm not really sure what i'm doing with my life (well is anyone really?) but i'm thinking something psychology related as that's what i want to study at uni. idk, maybe i'll end up being a therapist or something haha. and i'm not very far along the journey as i'm still right in the middle of my gcses (save me), but i know i'm taking psychology for a level at least.

arcane - i have a tendency to project onto characters in media haha. i've been watching a tv series called the good doctor about a doctor with autism and i really like it so far. it's not a perfect portrayal of autism (because not everyone with autism has the same experience) but it's nice to see a character i can relate to on tv (as i also have autism :) ). it's a lot better representation than a lot of other autistically coded characters on tv (sheldon cooper - why did they have to make him so misogynistic?? -_-)

also charlie spring. he reminds me of both myself and a couple of my friends (they need hugs)

candlelight - i'm not sure if i could choose a favourite book honestly - i go though a lot of phases of being obsessed with different book series. i used to read a lotttt as a child, but then i got a phone and my attention span vanished :(, and i don't have time to read much anymore because i procrastinate hw.

i love percy jackson and all of rick riordan's books because of the lgbt representation - they helped me figure a few things out about myself :). also mythology is cool. i plan to reread all the series after exams when i have the time. my school is doing percy jackson the musical next year as a school production and i'll probably end up doing technical theatre for it :D.

i also had a massive his dark materials faze when i was younger. it lowkey became a personality trait. we got to study it in school though which was pretty cool.

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diaryoftheunidropout · 1 year

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DAY 78

I totally missed day 69. Also, there are now more days between the day I dropped out of university and today than there are between today and the release of Heartstopper season 2 (76 days) and I think that's cool, insane, and insanely cool.

I'm at my grandma's right now. It doesn't feel like life is quiet nor peaceful. I still get some paranoia at night, I still feel anxious about the future, I still feel annoyed at my mom for not taking care of herself. But I do feel loved, so at least I have that.

The way I write on here is quite inspiring for a potential future book. The thing is, I need to start writing a first book before I get there. I have ideas. I have a whole main character planned out, some specific scenes planned out, but the main plot is still sort of blurry so I can't really start writing anything until I have figured that out and the second main character. Maybe I should look writing prompts online and reappropriate them? I wish I could ask Alice for tips on how she did it. Does it. Anyway.

My grandparents on my mother's side are apparently worried about what I'll do with my future. They actually have no idea I lost all will to ever go back to university/school, and it's so taboo for them they refuse to ask me. They'd rather ask my mom, or my grandma on my dad's side, probably because they're too afraid of hearing the truth. The truth, ah the truth, the disappointing truth that, just like all of my other cousins, I will never pursue long studies and have some big diploma they can brag about to the rest of the family, to their neighbors, to their friends. I think they'd rather hear me say I hate my life for the next three to five years but get a shiny piece of paper, than hear me say I am at peace and happy with my life even if that means never pursuing big studies.

I told all that to my therapist a while ago and she said my grandparents probably wouldn't be disappointed, just sad, but considering how they rejected and insultee my mom when she dropped out of university, I think I am allowed to doubt they would take the news well.

Talking about my therapist, I haven't gone in probably a month now and my therapist was kind enough to text me to ask how I was. I quickly explained the whole business of me stopping all my medication because I didn't trust the psychiatrist I saw (I'd told her a bit about it in person too) and she said she understood but I probably should still have some psychological support, even without any medication. I think it's worthless going to therapy without medication in my case, just as it is at least partly worthless to take medication without going to therapy but... I don't know.

I'm still definitely psychologically unstable, but most days I manage quite okay. Recently I was finally able to book my flight tickets to go to the US this summer, which had been stressing me out non stop because it was always in the back of my mind but knowing I was going to have to spend so much money when I have no income was kind of scary. But I did it!! And now I can look forward to something fun this summer. New, exciting, kind of scary, but mostly fun I think. I want to quote "Nick and Charlie" right now:

"We were both fucking terrified and the whole thing was kind of terrible because we were fucking terrified. But it was good too, so good, because we were a mess of emotions, and we were scared and excited, and everything felt new. So, this sort of feels like that."

I think this quote actually reflects my entire life quite well right now. There's good in making such a big change but it's all so new and I have no idea where it's going, which is just as exciting as it is daunting.

Lately, I've been feeling really lonely. I've kept saying that my life was in Paris, but I'm not so sure anymore. I used to have a whole friend group in uni that I would see often. But recently, I've been a lot less close to my "uni best friend", and since they're often the one organizing stuff and they stopped inviting me to the stuff they all do together, I've been more and more isolated. It started when one night I was opening up about how I was feeling miserable and they told me that it probably wasn't that bad considering they'd had depressed friends who ended up in the psych ward or couldn't get out of bed. Except I still have days where I can't get out of bed, except I don't brag about it, obviously. And I still have lots of negative behaviors like not feeding myself properly, like, ever, and also self-harming, terrible sleeping habits... And this "best friend", they knew a lot of that, they knew that barely a couple weeks prior I had been preparing a suicide attempt. And they still told me I didn't have it that bad. And it hurt me so much, and I didn't want to confront them because, fuck, I just don't have the will nor energy for that. So I just started texting them a lot less, caring about them a lot less, checking up on them a lot less. And apparently they didn't really care so they did pretty much the same, and they seized that opportunity to also not include me in the friend group anymore. So basically, the only friend I have left in Paris is my chosen godmother, whom I actually went to Disneyland with recently. Gosh, I love her so much. She cares for me so much.

So yeah, otherwise, I have one friend 350km away in one direction, another one 350km away in the opposite direction, and one friend in Paris. Cool! I'm usually very independant but, I don't know. I still feel lonely. Maybe even lonelier lately because my mom has been so... elsewhere. Not distant, just elsewhere. She's so in her fucking bubble of "I need to work out this many hours a day and massage my face this many hours a day and wear this belt that's supposed to make me sweat to lose weight this many hours a day, and take this many pills a day that are supposed to make me prettier, skinnier, with stronger hair, whiter teeth" and also CONSTANTLY pursuing men that are going to break her heart over and over again. It drives me fucking insane and I am so glad I don't live with her anymore because it would probably drive me so mad I would get violent and never talk to her. Or maybe it's all my fault. Maybe she wouldn't feel the need to run after bastards if I was still at home with her: but for my own good, I cannot. So it's either I am selfish and try to salvage the little in me that's salvageable, or I protect my mother for as long as I can. It's fucking unbearable. Also, the only way I could ever feel completely okay would be either if she got better, or if I just stopped loving her and caring about her. And both sound about as impossible as the other. So, that's that.

Sorry for ending this all abruptly but I feel overwhelmed and I'm done getting shit off my chest today. Time to distract myself.

Buh-bye.

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swimmingclassicrockpizzawombat · 2 years

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Nonsensical disorganized OFFENSIVE rant bc I have no one to talk to, an everyone tells you you can only trust in or rely on yourself and everyone is ultimately alone.

Idk Warning: triggering if you consider yourself my friend ig. It's a rant let me express my fucking feelings man. I need to let it out. You don't have to read this if it'll offend you. Might as well go in my notes app but writing here is comfier and can let me send it to the void.

I guess I will write this here bc it's a better place to write than even my notes app and I know no one actually gives a ducking fuck about what I write or have to say ever.

And I kinda have no one to talk to/rely on... Which ironically is what what I'm writing is about lol

But lately I've been genuinely asking what the point of connecting with other people is?

Idk maybe this is why I have found it so hard to interact with people and just get by with my own company. I just don't see the point.

Like, everyday you hear how you must be self-reliant and self-sufficient because people won't always be there for you... Nay people will NEVER be there for you, you can't trust people or rely on them, either bc they have their own problems or whatever.

And you don't want to come across as a needy little bitch like me, (that's why people always leave you -my therapist and my family)

And surely all my life I've tried to get by on my own. Hell, early on I learned that I couldn't even rely on my own parents (the people that are supposed to take care of you and love you?) for anything and had to do everything myself. I was either neglected emotionally and physically (learning to make myself food) or I even had to parent my own parents. Like, my mom always used me as an emotional dumpster, and whenever my parents couldn't figure something out they'd turn to me, I cannot count the amounts of times they used me as a counselor to help them decide whether they should geta divorce or not... Like my mom talking to me about... how miserable her sex life was.

And... I also have always had the tendency for being the "therapist" friend, even people who didn't know me used to use me to dump their problems on me in middle school bc I was so "mature" and a "good listener" and always knew just "what to say".

If I had a dollar for everytime someone has told me I should study psychology I probably wouldn't need to work at all at this point.

One of the few people from my childhood who still talks to me (more on that later) has even claimed that I literally saved her life on a couple of occasions. I won't go into too much detail out of respect for her privacy but... Let's just say that she was going through a real rough time in middle school, she came from a really neglectful family where her older sister played the part of her mother only to pass away the same year she found out she had a condition that disabled her. On top of that her sister had left behind her three kids who, fell into my friend's caregiving so (first you loose your sister/mother figure, then you are disabled and then you have to take care of three kids while you're in middle school).

Needless to say she was in a rough spot, and many people started treating her differently or didn't talk to her anymore, I remember I would always see her outside of her classroom during recess alone either in a wheelchair or next to her crutches and I would just... Talk to her IG? It could be bc I'm neurodivergent, but I never saw her any differently and would still talk about the nerdy interests we used to talk to about before everything, like the most recent Marvel movie etc (way before it was "cool" to like marvel). Maybe at most it was a "yo what's up? When did you start using crutches? It's been a while since I saw you! Have you watched this movie yet?". Maybe it's bc I'm super dumb and oblivious but I never even "realized" she was technically "disabled" until much later, for me she was just my friend, and sure maybe sometimes I noticed I walked faster and she struggled catching up, but it was never a big deal for us? For me she was the same person I knew before, and I even admired how much of a badass and strong she was? Idk, she was always so tough and never let people get on top of her. She was literally the person you could always go to if you wanted to kick someone's ass or insult them.

I did however notice that at some point she seemed really off and down and when I asked her she told me about her sister, which I didn't know about. I don't exactly remember what my response was but she told me I was the only one who knew what to say and was able to comfort her and actually "see" her, and she later confessed I literally saved her life that day.

I guess I just tried to be the friend I wish people were to me for the longest time?

I remember I would also do my best to remember people's birthdays so I could surprise them that day and make them feel like at least I cared about them even if no one else did (hehe projecting much am I?). If someone was struggling I tried to be there bc I wish someone would have been there for me many times before.

And I guess it was nice... But then I've also learned I can't really rely on anyone but myself?

Like, I'm the person who's always there for people when they need me, but the time I need someone to be there for me (even if it's just a shoulder to cry on) there's absolutely no one?

I'm the one who remembers everyone's birthdays, but no one remembers mine. Or the one who always has to be strong for others but can never rely on anyone else so I'm left in this state where I always have to be strong and it gets exhausting? Where I always have to pick myself up without anyone's help or anyone even giving a fuck about how I'm doing.

And I know it's not always bc people "suck" or don't "want" to be there, but they just aren't?

Remember that friend I mentioned? I love her to hell and back, but I also know I can't rely on her when I need someone. It's hard to explain but everytime I've needed someone she either wasn't there, told me to get over it or the conversation ended with me trying to comfort her (?). For example the day a loved one died and I needed to talk to someone I thought maybe I could rely on her but she ended up just talking about her sister (years later) and I ended up being the one comforting her instead, when I was the one who at the time needed comforting. (And when I've tried communicating this it has turned out into her thinking she's a horrible person and me trying to reassure her she's not, even though I was just telling her I needed someone to be there for me)

(WHICH I don't mind, I would always be there to listen to her but that time I wasn't in the best headspace to be dealing with other's people's emotions on top of my own!).

Later the same people I had always been there for literally left the moment I came out of the closet.

A few months ago another friend told me she loved candy corn and it was her favorite food/candy but they don't sell them where she lives, so one time when I found some I immediately thought of her and bought them... Well just when I was talking with her and telling her about getting her candy corn and talking about seeing her so I could give them to her, she just ghosted me soon afterwards and I have never known why or why she just... Ghosted me out of nowhere.

A close friend of mine actually stopped talking to me after he found out I had a depression diagnosis... No not bc I was a "bummer" when I was with him or bc I talked about my issues with him, just bc I HAD depression and he didn't want to be associated with "those people" (that and his gf... Who I helped him get with actually, didn't want him to talk to me anymore).

(I actually remember how I was in a phonecall with him when I was telling him, and I was crying... Actually the first and only time I cried in his presence... bc my dad and brother where making me take care of them and treating me like shit bc I was "a woman" and it was therefore my "job" and when I told him about my depression he just got disgusted and hung up and never spoke to me again, he only ranted to his friend that people like me just didn't want to get better and where not good to be around).

It seems that everyone eventually leaves when they find something, even if it's the most trivial thing about me they don't like?

And idk ig.

Even my fucking therapist was like "fuck you you don't try hard enough I'm done with you".

Like everytime I could use someone, I'm left completely alone?

And at the best of times it's bc they themselves are not available but the other half it's literally people using me? Or just not giving a shit?

I remember a time when I opened up about... certain sexual abuse I had been through and that girls response was "oh well you'll get over it", which really hurt? Bc it was really hard in the first place for me to open up about it? Or then there's the time my uncle died or when I got COVID and no one even asked me how I was doing, one of them even went as far as being like "oh okay well talk to you again when you're back to being okay and fun and not as much of a bummer to talk to" (It was actually the same girl... Which btw I later found out was only interested in/playing with me and hitting on me bc I had become some sort of fetish... Being trans.... Between her and her bf... Also oh yeah she didn't even tell me she had a boyfriend, I had to find out).

Point is, people are only there when you're fun to be with, or when you can provide something for them. No one really likes you for you, and when they find something about you they don't like (even if it's you being queer) they scram. And it's nice and dandy and all, I can be there for people right? I can be strong and only rely on myself, it's what I've done all my life. I've learned that no one is to be trusted. But the thing is... Sometimes I get tired of being strong all the time, of always being there for others when no one's there for me. Of being the friend I wish I could have but having no friends ever be like that with you (hell even remember your birthday or... Care when you are going through shit... Like REALLY care, not tell you "go to therapy, I'm your friend not your therapist jeez" when someone close to you dies, say "I'm here for you" and then just ghost you or tell you to "just get over it" or "get back to me when you are fun again" or... Just talk over you and talk about themselves).

Heh I bet most of the people who consider themselves my friends even now don't know that much about me... Like my interests or things I don't like or a stupid fact about me... Even though I could write an entire Wikipedia page on them.

Hell I'm not a stranger to people using me to talk about themselves and completely ignoring me when I say something about me.

And it's not for lack of communication or trying or reaching out on my part, I have asked for help on multiple occasions, or tried to reach out being like "hey I'm not okay, I could really use a friend right now" to no response.

Just today I was going through a crisis and I asked for help, in my IG stories... 30 people saw it (some of which I'd call friends) and not one replied nor cared. (Which yeah? Instagram? I actually felt pretty stupid tbh and ended up deleting it but idk it still stuck in my mind).

Again, it's nice and dandy but sometimes it does leave me with the question of what the point is (?)

Like, what is the point of having a romantic partner if people are untrustworthy and unreliable? Why would you want to be with someone who's never going to support you or care about you? Ig sex would be one but that's what hookups are for, or paying rent but then you can just get a roomate?

Even meeting people on dating sites seems to end in just wanting to fuck or even if not no one really tries to get to know you or help you get to know them it's just "yo let's meet up, let's fuck" and me being like "uuuuuhhhhhh I don't even fucking know you?????". Or on the OTHER hand you establish a good conversation and open up and then you get "yo, send noods", and me "UHM no I'm not really into that sorry" and then the conversation resumes and you think it's going fine only for then to be like "yo common I want to see you naked send nudes open a Snapchat for me so you can see my dick" not giving a shit that you said that makes you uncomfy, nor giving a shit about how you... Feel or about you at all, it's all so you can give them sexual pleasure.

What's the point of having friends if it's just people who use you till you have nothing left to give and eventually dump you when they get tired of you?

Why bother making social connections when every self help advice and therapist will tell you that you can't rely on people and must be self sufficient etc?

For emotional support? Well no, not even that, they will tell you you have to be there for yourself so emotional support is clearly not it.

To have fun? Everyone says you have to be happy with yourself and have fun by yourself... YOU CAN'T RELY ON OTHER PEOPLE.

Maybe I'm just broken for how clingy and needy I've always been and that's why people keep taking advantage of me lol

What are friends for? What's the point of "socializing" if you have to do everything yourself? If you can never rely on no one? If even if you're always there for people it's inevitable that no one will be there for you when you most need it?

Idk man, I'm just feeling shitty right now. I'm tired of feeling like I have to be strong and okay all the time.

Of only being able to rely on myself and trust myself etc, of everything always falling on me.

It's like... What's the fucking point man?

Also people always use me to vent and I try myself to give advice or listen or whatever but no one does that for me ever so like I guess I'm coming to the place where... Let me look I was cancelled bc OTHER people decided I'm a monster and I deserved to be cancelled... Cool.

Anyways, off into the void you go dear post.

At least I'm not crying anymore, just depressed. But hey since it's not external anymore, that's better at least I can now pretend I'm fine <3

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atozfic · 3 years

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Love when people reveal themselves as being so obviously online and insulated in leftist/progressive circles that they seem to forget that the rest of the world is not nearly as accepting or supportive of not conforming of gender roles as these spaces are. Like when did you say the reason anyone likes femsub or the reason it's popular at all is because they're young or don't know anything about sex? To me it's pretty clear you were talking about it as a larger trend and why it's so much popular than everything else overall. And to be completely frank, what is the reason femsub is so much popular than anything else OVERALL (not why any individual person likes it or it has any kind of appeal), if not gender roles? Are women just naturally more submissive than men (not saying you think this)? Because I have seen people say this, yes even so-called "feminist" men and women, that my preferences are unnatural because men evolved to be sexually dominant and women evolved to be sexually submissive, and that I'll never be in a happy or satisfying relationship unless I make myself more submissive and change my preferences because men just naturally don't like dominant women. I'm pretty sure you would not like if I took those hurtful and negative experiences and said any woman is submissive is that way is because they're misogynists who just think it's all women's nature to be submissive. And I'm pretty sure of this cause of the way that you freaked out when you even THOUGHT somebody might be implying that when they weren't. So why the fuck is it okay for you to say dom women are the way that we are because we think we're "enlightened" or more strong or better than everyone else and only like what we like because we want to be ~not like other girls~ for attention because of your negative experiences? And I like how they only talk about submissive or vanilla women getting shamed, so true bestie, dom type women, sexually or otherwise, never get shamed for their preferences. Nope, never ever. It's not like people always joke about women "wearing the pants" in the relationship and how it means she doesn't respect her partner. It's not like assertive or aggressive women are called a "bitch" but when men act that way it's sexy. It's not like religion teaches women they have to submit to men or no man will ever love them or they'll never be happy. It's not like people say that women that want to be dominant are "acting like men" or "want to be men" and therefore are unattractive, as if dominance is inherently masculine thing. It's not like a lot of men genuinely believe that all/most women want to be dominated in bed and so they don't even have to ask, they just do things to you and try to dominate you without your permission or consent or without ever having talked about that kind of thing before. Nope, we must have it sooo easy because we've got grrrrllll powerrr on our side, all women love us cause they think we're such cool independent and empowered women, and all men love us cause they think we're just so cool and not like the other girls. Like honestly, I don't assume to know what they experience of submissive women is like or that they must have it so easy because they're preferences are in line with gender roles, because I'm not one and i know they don't always have it easy because I've heard of women in the irl bdsm community being treated badly by shitty men who think it's okay to abuse them or do whatever they want to them because they're sub identified (or sometimes just because they're women). So why is it okay for you to assume what are experience is like?

I'm not involved in any real life bdsm community because corona and I'm anti-social bitch but I do like to lurk on online communities for fun (something I should probably stop doing cause it's not good for my mento health luv lmao). This whole thing reminds me of these weird ass screeds I sometimes come across by straight male doms on reddit where they go on and on trying to reconcile their desires with feminist politics either because a) they're genuinely a misogynistic piece of shit and people call them out on it or b) they're genuinely progressive/humanist men who have some difficulty reconciling their desire to be dominant with feminism for whatever reason. And so they do this weird thing where they project these worries and insecurities outwards, and manufacture a situation where anyone who criticises gender roles at all is against them personally, and it would be so much easier if they were just a female dom instead, everyone would apparently have no problem at all with them then, cause grrrrllll powerrr.

I don't like to engage in armchair psychology but the follow-up ask from that anon made it pretty clear to me that they have some insecurities around reconciling their preference for submission with feminism because of some negative and hurtful experiences, and so they deal with it by projecting it onto anyone that suggests that gender roles might be why SOME people gravitate more towards it and why it's so much more popular than everything else. I'm sorry that those people said those things to you anon, they're wrong, but a) most of those people tend to be against all bdsm in general, not just femsub and b) you need to work out those insecurities by yourself. You can't lash out at anyone who tries to talk about the relationship between societal norms and preferences at all, it's not helpful or productive.

Also how do they know those people unfollowed you for that reason? Is that an assumption or a verifiable fact? I'm not necessarily saying they didn't either, I'm not a mind reader, but like, some people are just sexist and think women are naturally submissive, sexually or otherwise. I've met them before.

to quote my therapist: that was alot to unpack.

i'm gonna give a longer reply under the cut but i just want to state here i'm not posting this ask to offend or hurt, or even "one-up", the original anon who sent that ask regarding sub!females. i have no issue with them and, again, think they're in every right to send their original ask. i'm posting it because i do think this anon made some very interesting points and brought up alot of worthy of being discussed topics.

let me also put a disclaimer here that i am not a genius nor someone very well-versed in gender politics, i'm simply a twat on the internet with a negative mindset.

"Love when people reveal themselves as being so obviously online and insulated in leftist/progressive circles that they seem to forget that the rest of the world is not nearly as accepting or supportive of not conforming of gender roles as these spaces are."

this. omfg, t h i s. i see this so much, especially in my younger cousins/relatives who are just now beginning to develop their own political opinions. let's take the conversation away from dom/sub for one second and just focus on gender in society. one of the clearest examples of gender affecting the way someone is treated/viewed is something i've experienced first-hand: i was misdiagnosed four times before i was correctly given my diagnosis for ASD, because most of the studies regarding it center around boys and, therefore, most women go undiagnosed. in fact, for years it was believed only men could have it which is why there has been such a surgence in the past few years of adult women being diagnosed with autism. i remember hitting high school, experiencing academic burn-out (thanks to everything moving too fast + my classmates catching up to me intellectually) and having my teachers treat me like i was an imbecile, or i was lazy, rather than just someone with neurodivergence. (this isn't me implying tjat men with ASD have it easy or that society accepts them anymore than women, it's only easier for them to get diagnosed.)

"it's not like people always joke about women wearing the pants."

this applies to both the shaming of dom women and sub men. the amount of men who get treated like they're "losing their manhood" for letting a women(or anyone else) dom them is ridiculous.

honestly, I think at the end of the day (and to close up this whole issue-that's-not-really-an-issue), we're unfortunately always going to live in a world where people have opinions against either side of the dom/sub spectrum, or the whole bdsm community in general. the best thing we can do is try lessen the internal conflict, especially between dom and sub women. we gotta stop treating each other like the enemy when all we really are is people with a differing preference. at the end of the day, what someone chooses to do in their bedroom is no one else's business (unless it harms anyone) and we need to take away the importance we seem to put on it. we're on a floating rock in space, who cares if becky likes to peg her boyfriend on a sunday morning or if stacy likes to be tied up on a thursday evening?

also, anon, i like the way you worded this whole ask. despite it being long, it was easy to read and you made some great points. sorry my reply isn't more exciting, i just in general agree with most of what you've said.

#again i don't have any issue with the original anon who sent that ask #we all act on impulse when our enotions overwhelm us and i respect them for even thinking they needed to apologise #also have you guys noticed yet that i'm a little bitch who's afraud of confrontation???#we love to see it 🤸‍♀️#🎐: message board #anon asks

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isobel-thorm · 5 years

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Don't kill me, but all the fruits for grant and alistair please 💕

Also just noticed @troyebakers asked for all for Grant too, so here y’all are:

Let me apologize to mobile users now bc this is probably just gonna be a giant wall of strewn together nonsense for them. Switching around the order of the questions to make it flow a fair bit better.

🍍 : how comfortable is my muse in their body? how do they feel about their height, weight, strength, and body type? how important is being attractive to them?

🍑 : how meticulously does my muse look after their physical appearance? do they spend a lot of time on their hair, makeup, grooming, and clothing? is there a particular reason why they do or don’t? Grant: Grant is basically okay with how he looks. He doesn’t exactly like his appearance, but he doesn’t hate it either, nor does he think it’s that important. The only thing he’ll really fuss over is his hair, and his idea of fussing is brushing it but letting the bedhead win a lot of the time. Same goes with how he dresses- if a pair of jeans and T-shirt are discarded on the floor one night and they’re not in bad condition/they don’t smell, he’ll wear them again. Alistair: He’s a little fussy with it. He knows most people find him attractive but he’s not that invested in it. Living for multiple centuries does that to a guy. He’ll make sure he’s neatly put together daily and that’s that. He does usually try to dress nicely though. His casual is a nice sweater, well-fitting leather jacket and dark jeans. He tends to call it ‘professorly.’

🍅 : how does my muse feel about plastic / cosmetic surgeries & procedures? is it something they have done or would do? do they mind if others do it? Both: Both of them are usually in the “why do people do that, it’s not necessary, people age, it’s a fact of life” side of things- with Alistair noting “except for me” in that last bit. They’d never dream about getting anything done themselves.

🍏 : how stable is my muse’s physical health? do they go for regular or semi-regular checkups by a physician? do they have any diagnosed illnesses and / or take any medication? how often do they get sick?

🍎 : how stable is my muse’s mental health? have they been diagnosed with any mental illnesses and / or conditions? do they have any undiagnosed mental illnesses and / or conditions? do they or should they attend therapy? Grant: He’s usually physically healthy and tries to stay that way. Mentally, he’s a mess and tries to get help, but it’s not lost on him that talking with Nic and getting hugs from her works better for him than an actual therapist half the time. Alistair: Fit as a fiddle permanently, if you don’t count the whole living undead thing. He’s also fairly mentally stable himself, and he’s had a vested interest in Psychology the last century, which helps things.

🍒 : how much does my muse value companionship? do they constantly keep people around them, or do they prefer to be alone often? do they have or desire to have many friends? do they see every meeting as an opportunity to make a new friend? Grant: After what happened during his time as a soldier, Grant got it in his head that he was bad luck for anyone around him, so he tried to stay solo for as long as possible and didn’t actively make friends. Enter Nic and Matthew/John, and it was another story. They didn’t really give him an active chance to tell them to leave him alone so they wormed their way into his heart, which helped his mental state so he was able to pursue a friendship with them and then a relationship with M/J, which healed him enough where he was a little more outgoing/willing to meet and befriend other people. Alistair: Nearly the same deal. He was also fairly anti-friends because people only usually gave him the time of day to get in his family’s good graces. He was very apprehensive about making friends because he figured once they got what they wanted they’d leave him, considering that happened a lot. And then Kat and the others came along and made him feel wanted, and while he still has that distrust of people outside that group, he would die (again) for every single person in their friend circle.

🍇 : how would my muse describe their childhood? how much has it impacted the person they are now, or will become as an adult? around what age did they or will they start to mature, and why? do they wish to go back to their days as a child, or have they embraced adulthood? Grant: He had a lonely childhood, his parents did take care of him, but were also fairly neglectful and paid more attention to their business than him. When the whole ‘bi but leaning more towards being romantically interested in men’ thing came to pass his parents sent him off to live with his gay uncles which ended up being the best experience of his life because he finally got active attention/parental figures who genuinely cared about his day or interests for once. The first half of that, however, prepared him a lot for his self-exile after coming home from overseas, but it also planted the idea that there was a silver lining somewhere in life, which he found in his friends. The only way he’d want to relive his childhood is if he was with his uncles the entire time. Alistair: Looking back, Alistair acknowledges that his mother raised him to be a spineless, pompous ass. Him becoming a full vampire/getting some distance from the family when he turned thirty was the turning point where he acknowledged that ‘oh hey, a lot of this shit is messed up.’ He wouldn’t relive his childhood at all.

🍐 : how intelligent is my muse overall? are they smarter than the average person, or less than? are they primarily self-taught, or did they acquire most of their knowledge in school? are they more street smart or book smart? Grant: He never went to college, he joined the Army straight out of high school, so he’s got an extremely basic… standard education. He’s more street smart than anything, and considering That Day, he got a lot of “that’s the how the world works, it’s unfair” type lessons from that tragedy. Alistair: He’s extremely intelligent. He went to college for law, but in the centuries since he’s found modern law is a little too corrupt for his liking, so he went into veterinary science and then studied Psychology on his own just to pass the time.

🍉 : which of the four seasons suits my muse best, and why? Both: Winter. Their personalities and wardrobes match it more, and they both enjoy the aesthetic of it the most.

🍌 : is my muse inclined to help others, or will they only do it when it benefits them, if at all? what makes them this way? has it ever gotten them into trouble, or inconvenienced them? Both: Will help others at the drop of a hat for entirely selfless reasons. They both figure they’ve got awful pasts to make up for, and if little acts of kindness and paying it forward is how they can go about it, so be it. 🍊 : does my muse desire romance? is it something they would actively seek out, or prefer to happen more ‘ naturally? ’ what is their love life like? do they have any exes or past flings, or crushes? Grant: Was very anti-love/anti-thinking-he-deserved love, but then Matt/John came along and was charming and nice and patient and his heart was all “alright get your shit together because T H I S O N E I S F O R Y O U.” Because of that, he’s an absolute mush with his LIs, which is a surprise to everyone outside his immediate friend circle because “wait the stoic guy likes cuddling and talking with faces a couple of inches apart and getting all romantic on holidays?” Alistair: Got his heart shattered into pieces by his first love early in his life, so he was reluctant to ever start anything romantic ever again, but then he fell for Kat platonically, which kick-started his heart back up to be willing to go pursue someone romantically - and then said heartbreaker comes crashing back into his life and then it’s a 50/50 clusterfuck again and he’s not quite sure what to do. 🍓 : how is my muse typically seen by others? does it ring true to who they really are? does their reputation matter to them? Grant: Doesn’t give a damn about his bad stoic/wide/intimidating reputation. He’s not here to be judged, and if people wanna judge a book by its cover, fine, that’s not his problem. He’s got a handful of friends who love him because they bothered to get to know him, he’s invested in them. Alistair: Used to care very strongly about reputation and yearned to be alluring/scary/intimidating all at once, but he learns that was a lot of his mother’s influence, so he goes out of his way to nice people to death so he gets a far more welcome, warm, friendly reputation to make sure it sticks. It makes him stop caring about it so actively/doesn’t make it a staple in his life anymore.

🥝 : does my muse have any ‘ unusual ’ habits, interests, and / or talents? do they hide it, or are they proud of it? Grant: Nothing special at allAlistair: He’s a hemophobic vampire, so he doesn’t go out on hunts with his family- nor does he feed on humans unless it’s necessary. He uses his resources as a vet to ‘feed’ on animals- where he’ll only feed feed if there’s a time crunch, but even then he only takes a standard blood test’s amount and tries to make it last- and he’ll even coach the animal through it, promising that he means it no harm, they’ll be safe in a minute, “Awww, we’re done, see, that wasn’t so bad. Good job, here’s some extra biscuits/cat treats/veggies, you did so well.”

🍋 : what kind of diet does my muse have? do they eat regularly, or the standard 2-3 meals a day? do they have to be reminded to eat, or are they likely to remind others? do they cook, or have others cook for them? do they eat healthily, or not so much? Grant: Unless depression is kicking his ass, he’ll eat balanced meals regularly, with the usual 3x a day. If he does have a day of depression where he misses a meal or so when Nic or John/Matthew is around, they’ll notice and try not to be too forceful about it but they’ll also make a meal with him and try to goad him into eating it, and it usually works. Alistair: Also keeps up with regular meals 3x a day, considering he tries to make human food work as much as possible to avoid interacting with blood in any capacity. If worse comes to worse he’ll cook up/order a super bloody steak and have it, wincing all the while.

🥭 : how important to my muse is their hometown, or where they’re from? are they proud of it, or considered a hometown hero? did they move away, or do they wish to?Grant: Grew up in Texas, and mentioned, he hated it so he avoids going back. He considers Wyoming/his uncles’ ranch home and would live there if he could, but then the job in Hope County came along, and he sticks there for a while and he’s happy, but maaaayyyybbbeee he’d consider dropping hints to John/Matthew that settling back in Wyoming could be nice if they’d be up for it. He’d be okay if they weren’t, though. They could always vacation there, and it’s enough. Alistair: Grew up in the downtown area of [CITY REDACTED] and has a hate/love relationship with it, so when Kat comes along and he joins that crew where they’re on the outskirts of town by the bay, he absolutely falls in love with the weird suburbia feel and makes plans to move there nearly immediately.

#Deputy Grant #Alistair Hardy #amistrio

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