#(I'm actually getting impressed with my art progress lately!)

[desultory-novice]

"Noir Fontaine...? I'll admit, I'd never been to France before. Although going so far for a vacation was a bit out of my wheelhouse... I preferred to stay closer to home. Seeing the aftermath of what happened to my home planet, though... I'll admit it was pretty sobering. Anyways, how are you enjoying your vacation so far?" (This ask is from a human OC who ended up on Pop Star - and yes, he did end up visiting Shiver Star. Seeing Earth after the 'big freeze' was... an experience for him.)

"...I've never been either. Though the old countries weren't exactly 'a thing' by the time I was born. Either way, attempting distant travel on Shiver Star was just asking to get yourself stranded."

(And I heard some bad stories of what happened if you did...)

"...Weird that I feel like I've at least SEEN it though..."

"............"

"...It was probably because of mom. She would tell stories about it. Seems that was what got her into music in the first place? Some French singer? Can't remember their name."

"As for Old Earth, I don't miss it."

"If you weren't there at the end? Consider yourself LUCKY."

[Noir's Field Trip Masterpost]

[patibato]

[Bitter Sweet Sixteen] 002-A10 - We Know They Live

Akuta: Hi-shi-o! Hi-shi-o!

Momiji: Yes yes, I've made sure to order enough for everyone. Shodoshima's famous "hishio rice bowls"!

Sakujiro: It appears to be a rice bowl utilising soy sauce and moromi made in the Home of Hishio. I'm rather looking forward to it.

Akuta: Hi-shi-o! Hi-shi-o!

Momiji: (Looks like Akuta-kun goes full power in front of delicious food. His body's shaking so much…)

*thump*

Muneuji: Isotake, that hurts.

*thump*

Kiroku: … … Too… intense…

Momiji: (He keeps bumping into Muneuji-kun and Kiroku-kun's shoulders…)

Akuta: Hi-shi-o! Hi-shi-… ooh!?

Hey hey. Kiroku, what's that picture on your lockscreen?

Kiroku: Ah…?

Akuta: It reeeally struck me, so lemme get a closer look.

Kiroku: …Okay.

Akuta: Woah, this is actually sick. It's like, suuuper sharp and new-wave, mysterious and sinister while vivid and cool!

C'mon c'mon! Everyone have a look!

Momiji: You're right…! It's colourful and very creative.

Muneuji: Whose art is it?

Kiroku: ……M …mine.

Momiji: Amazing! So you've got a talent for art, huh.

Kiroku: …It's not…… really… talent.

Akuta: Not just anyone could draw something so amazing! What would you call this? Unique talent? A peerless existence?

I'm so crazy jealous! Wonder if I could draw something like that if I learned~

Kiroku: …Aren't you…just… flatter…

Akuta: Huh, what what? Platter?

Kiroku: …… ing… me.

Muneuji: Kinugawa, Isotake isn't the type to flatter.

Kiroku: …

Momiji: (Ah, Kiroku-kun's expression softened a bit… his face was so stiff until now.)

Kiroku: …

Momiji: (On top of that, he's trying to casually show Akuta-kun his phone screen…!)

Akuta: What's that? You're saying I can eat your appetisers? Thanks! I'll dig ri~ght in!

Kiroku: … …

Momiji: (Looks like he misunderstood in the weirdest way…)

(But still, it seems like these two got a little closer!)

Ah, right, Muneuji-kun. A bit late saying this, but thanks a lot for earlier.

Muneuji: What are you referring to?

Momiji: When everyone was being rowdy, you handled Ushio-kun so casually… And then everyone finally went quiet.

Muneuji: Aah, that's nothing to thank me for. I simply did what was expected, nothing more.

Momiji: Kiroku-kun's amazing, but I thought you were amazing then too! Do you study aikido?

Muneuji: No, I'm from a martial arts family… more specifically, the leading authority in archery.

Other than that, I've done ancient martial arts, horse rising… most of my relatives are from families well versed in a martial art, so I've also received some instruction in aikido etiquette. It would be presumptuous to say I "study" it.

Momiji: So that's it…! You were always wearing that helmet, so I had more of a science-y impression, but you're from an old school family.

Muneuji: I wear that for future reference. I'm aiming to become an astronaut… to go to space*.

Sakujiro: Kaguya-kun's space helmet is rather well-known within the school.

There are rumours among the students, wondering if he wears it even while bathing or sleeping and such.

Muneuji: In the void of space, I'll have to wear it all the time.

So even now, I don't take it off for as long as I can. …That's what it means to train.

Momiji: (That helmet did look like it'd been through some years. I suppose that's the fruit of Muneuji-kun's efforts and hard work…)

Speaking of which, the other day there was news about some millionaire building a house made of ice on Mars.

The space industry and space tourism will both steadily progress from here, huh…

Akuta: When regular people can easily get to space~ I'll shoot a movie where the main actor is an alien~!

Kiroku: …I want to…… sketch an alien.

Momiji: That's great! I'm sure you'll be able to!

When Muneuji-kun becomes an astronaut, he can play a vital role at the core of the space industry!

Muneuji: …

Momiji: (Huh? He doesn't look very enthused by that idea…)

Uuh… um, why do you want to be an astronaut in the first place, Muneuji-kun?

Muneuji: … I made a promise with my dad.

Akuta: What, that's it?

Muneuji: It's reason enough.

Momiji: (…His attitude is a little awkward. Maybe it's something he'd rather not touch on…)

Muneuji: …

Momiji: (H-his face is getting more and more stiff. What should I-)

Sakujiro: …

Incidentally, are you all familiar with the Fermi Paradox?

Momiji: Ah, you mean the contradiction of how we've never come into contact with aliens despite how many times the possibility of extraterrestrial civilisation has been proposed! I've heard of that!

It's true that in this day and age, we may have unknowingly come into contact with aliens who've come to earth-

Akuta: … …

Muneuji: …

Kiroku: ……

Momiji: Why are you all exchanging looks…?

Akuta: It's nothiiing. Right!

Muneuji: Indeed.

Kiroku: …Mhm.

Momiji: (It kinda feels like they're plotting something bad, but also not…)

Staff: Apologies for the long wait! Five large servings of hishio rice bowls!

Momiji: (It's hard to read the thoughts of adolescents, but-)

Muneuji & Akuta & Kiroku: Woah~~~! The sashimi's so soft~~~!

Momiji: Hishio bowls are the best…!

Momiji: We're back!

Kiroku: … It was tasty… …the hishio bowl.

Akuta: For real! My mouth was watering like thirty times more than normal**! It was super good, but where are the idiots who didn't come eat~

*footsteps*

Akuta: Oh! Found idiot number one~!

Ushio: Wah! Don't suddenly get clingy!

Akuta: Ushio's escaping that way! Kiroku, there, over there! Block his path!

Kiroku: …Huh? ……Okay.

Ushio: Don't you guys go making cliques now…!

Momiji: (Haha. They're full of energy.)

(Woah! They left a huge mess after eating the somen snacks. I'd better clean up.)

(The trash… I think it goes in a bag outside.)

Momiji: Alright… hm?

Muneuji: It's no problem. … … yes. It's here.

Nanaki: Okay, got it. … …

Momiji: (Nanaki-kun and Muneuji-kun…?)

*Muneuji says "astronaut" in English, then in Japanese, so I rephrased it a bit to make sense in English

**Akuta says "ほっぺた30個くらい落ちた", which would literally be "my cheeks fell off about thirty times", with "my cheeks fell off" being a way of calling something delicious

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Masterlist

[catbountry]

Hi, I'm the one who made the Respawn of the Dead page on Fanlore. I'm sorry about the misinformation about you being an admin and it's fixed to be accurate now to say you were just a mod.

And I'm sorry about not disclosing that you've since distanced yourself from that site. Thats now in there too. I respect you as a fic writer both for your fic (loved the TF2 Harlan Ellison and Steven King-inspired ones) and because it's impressive that you've kept your username for so long. I think that literally everyone who's been online long enough can theoretically be "canceled" on the Internet if everything they've ever done was connected to only one pseud, including myself. Fandom's honestly a minefield that doesn't take to cultural changes at all. The culture of, say, 4chan, Tf2chan, those things, it's so different compared to today. Same with Kiwifarms when it was just known for being the CWCwiki. One day, the culture of social media will be just like those, and I think being able to own up to who you were then to compare with how you are now, as a better person, is a respectable skill to have.

I don't know everything you've done, (I know some of the Vade thing and some of what's on the receipt blog,) but it seems some Fannish people just see "Kiwifarms" and think you're supporting the site as it is currently, which wasn't what it was back in the 2010s. I tried to be very neutral since I figured TF2 Tumblr/Twitter would find my article first, but now it's more positive on you and your body of work on there. I'm sorry that the article brought up old wounds, hopefully all misinfo on it is fixed now.

Wow, I actually wasn't sure if I'd get a response. Thank you for being so considerate, for enjoying my fic, and being so understanding. I used the same pseud for years because, well, I'm proud of Respawn of the Dead, warts and all. I don't want to distance myself from it and I'm okay with it being my legacy. Also I'm just absolutely lousy at hiding myself. If I changed my name, people would figure out it's me, so I don't really bother.

If you don't mind, just for the sake of fandom oral history, I'd like to expand upon the period of Medic being a Nazi in fandom. This might be interesting to you as somebody interested in TF2 fandom lore.

Medic being a Nazi was assumed by a lot of fans, due to him fitting a bunch of "Nazi mad scientist" tropes. This remained the case until fans went to Valve's headquarters and straight up asked an employee if he was, to which they were told "no." And then people stopped writing Nazi Medic (for the most part) because it wasn't canon. People still made art but again, we did not know the horrors that the future had in store for us.

It really is wild to think how drastically things have shifted politically online since the late 2000's, when nobody could have predicted that being a Nazi would be anything but the most fringe of fringe, and these people would be regarded as internet sideshows to be gawked at and trolled. Also, Respawn of the Dead was written around the time Inglorious Basterds came out, so there were a lot of sexy Nazis or repentant Nazis in certain fandoms at the time.

There was a TF2 fic, I believe it was called Do No Harm, that legit had Medic working in a concentration camp in a position where he felt like he had to work there or he'd be shot, and he ate human flesh given to him by an evil, Aryan Nazi OC. I don't know if the author distanced herself from the work, because she did re-work it to make it into an original novel that she sold on Amazon. I absolutely could not see anything written like this now that wasn't some kind of dogwhistle, but the author was pretty progressive, actually. So much so we had a fight while I was in my anti-SJW phase and she did not appreciate me bringing up the things she wrote about that emphasized the humanity of a Nazi character, who in all fairness, did deflect in her story. I'm sure she's probably put a lot more distance between herself and that story in the years since, given the way things have gone since Trump's presidency. I wouldn't know, though, since we don't talk, and haven't in nearly a decade.

The person who wrote that is probably forgotten by anybody who wasn't in the fandom at the time, even though she was known for this fic and it was praised almost universally when it was being updated. But she was not the only one doing this. I cannot emphasize enough just how far in the past Nazis felt to us. At the time, being a Nazi was a stupid way of thinking that would never come back outside of attention-hungry edgelords co-opting its imagery, especially in America, an allied nation that loves using Nazis as villains in its media. If you told any of us in 2009 that fascism and white nationalism would make a comeback in America, we would not have believed you unless you were counting neoconservatives and evangelical white Christians as Nazis, and while I think a lot of those people are now pretty much that nowadays, back then it would have been a little bit of a stretch. But the thing is, the white supremacy on an institutional level was always there. We didn't really notice it until it started being pointing out, and at the same time, a bunch of fuckin' white nationalists and neo-Nazis just started popping up all over the place because someone with blue hair and pronouns told them a video game character having her titties out was bad or something. I'm still not entirely sure how that escalated that quickly, but Jesus Christ. It's a shame "clown world" got used mostly by right-wing people online because the label feels pretty apt and also applies to them a lot more. There is something deeply pathetic but also kind of hilarious about filming yourself letting a gas stove burn, or shooting cases of beer to own the libs.

I think most people that used TF2chan are pretty progressive now, a lot of them have come out as some flavor of queer, and the use of "-fag" as a suffix is frowned upon in the official TF2chan Discord server as being incredibly childish and cringey. We were all young adults but clearly we had a lot of growing up to do. I think it is important to point out that a lot of this edgelord shit done at the time, while hurtful and not cool, was done by a lot of people who hadn't figured out who they were yet, and weren't really bad people. Dr. Tanner, who was actually the first person to write a TF2 longfic and beat Respawn of the Dead by at least a few months with the first version of The Lessons (which is gone now), got cited by name in an interview with an old TF2chan user for being really racist, sexist, homophobic and transphobic, only to completely turn around once he came out as trans. I think a lot of this behavior kind of functioned as a shield, because there was still a separation between the internet and real life. Now, there's more people on the internet with less websites people visit, and fandom spaces where everyone is an adult are harder to find. Everything is very politically charged now. The right-wing is further to the right than it was even when I was a teenager and a young adult during Bush's presidency, which given that we got into two forever wars under his administration, is insane to think about. It doesn't feel real, but it is.

So yeah, that's why nobody writes or draws Medic as a Nazi anymore, and that's a good thing. Sorry for the tl;dr.

If you have any questions about old TF2chan and TF2 fandom, I'd be happy to answer them.

[carriagelamp]

I don't know what to say here this month. February, eh? Hate February, the Thursday of months, I'm just clinging to sanity while I wait for spring. Here are the books that helped me through what is basically a month of overcast skies and fucking winter rain.

Candy Color Paradox v6

Candy Color Paradox is a series I’ve been reading for years now and I’ve really enjoyed how the relationship in this one has progressed over that time. It started somewhat similar to how you’d expect a yaoi manga to start — lots of tension, drama, smut, and some light antagonism between the two main characters who both work at the same weekly magazine. But it’s eased into something that’s really quite genuine. This most recent volume focused entirely on moving in together and all the little complications and insecurities that arise because of that.

Circus of Fear

A 1980s D&D choose your own adventure novel so the quality is exactly what you would expect, but at the very least it was a fun little diversion. Doing a CYOA book with a friend can honestly be a blast, they just feel so silly, and the setting of a magical, vaguely sinister circus is always an enjoyable backdrop. We managed to get a good ending on the second try! So yay! I'd honestly like to read it again and try some of the other routes that also sounding intriguing.

Dungeon Meshi // Delicious in Dungeon v1

Me and my girlfriend started watching Dungeon Meshi because we’d seen so much about it on tumblr lately and wow. Just wow. It really is doing something special and we’re completely enamoured. Since we’re waiting for new episodes, I picked up the first book so we could compare it and the show — it’s really impressive how closely they align! And the art is really lovely, it stands out and not just for it's food glamour shots.

For those who haven't been seduced into watching the anime yet: Dungeon Meshi / Delicious in Dungeon is a DND-style parody in which the adventuring party needs to enter the monster-filled dungeon to save one of their companions who got eaten by a red dragon. They need to get to her and revive her before she entirely digested. However, to hasten their quest (and indulge one of their member’s strange obsessions) they begin to hunt and eat the monsters that fill the dungeon instead of trying to bring food in from the outside. This is 80% a cooking anime and 20% a comedic adventure anime. Book or show, doesn’t matter which, you should give it a try if you haven’t.

Down Among the Sticks and Bones

I really enjoyed the first book of the series, Every Heart A Doorway, and was excited when I found out there was a prequel about Jack and Jill and the world they visited. This can either be read as a prequel or it works fairly well as a stand-alone novella; the story is about twin sisters who have always been forced to fill very precise societal roles by their parents. One afternoon, they stumble across a magical door in the bottom of a chest and venture down into the sinister world of the moors where one sister is taken in by a vampire lord and the other by a mad scientist. The story looks at how the sisters grow and change when apart from each other and their controlling parents. Excellent story, the language is just so enticing.

Midnight Sun

My brother has been watching all the Twilight movies with a couple of his friends. Listening to him bitch about Jacob like it was 2007 reawakened something in me, so after laughing myself sick I had to go and relisten to Midnight Sun. Still genuinely and unironically love this book, it’s pure trash but by god it's my trash. I’m a simple soul.

Odder

I’ve been hearing great things about this book, and it’s hard to go wrong with Katherine Applegate so I was excited to finally read it. This is a book written entirely in free verse poetry about an orphaned otter and her experiences being rescued by the Monterey Bay Aquarium. It’s inspired by a true story (several true stories, actually!) and it's very worth picking up even if you don't usually go for poetry. It's charming and reads very easily.

Old-Fashioned Cupcake

A middle-aged salaryman is feeling worn down by the humdrum nature of his life, which is filled mostly with work these days. This manga kicks off with his coworker suggests that if he wants to deal with the feelings of boredom and aging, then he needs to do something to shake up his life: so he suggests that they “act like a pair of teenage girls” and go to a fancy new pancake shop just because it seems fun, never mind that it’s not something grown men are supposed to do. This manga ended up being pretty darn cute -- it was slow and compassionate and loving -- and it managed to convince me to buy its sequel.

Professor Calculus: Science’s Forgotten Genius

A ridiculous little book I bought on impulse that was nevertheless a lot of fun to read. It’s a tribute to Cuthbert Calculus, celebrating the 80th anniversary of his first appearance in Tintin. It dives into some of the inspirations that went into the character, and also lovingly and cheekily explores some "facts" we know about Calculus as a person… and wildly extrapolates more from there. It was a cute little read for anyone who’s a fan of the series and wants something a little extra.

Return to Oz

I recently rewatched this movie and maintain that I like it more than the original film, sorry. It made me decide to grab the novelization because I’m always a sucker for a novelization <3 This one was pretty solid too, it actually included details that were left out of the film and improve the stories overall cohesion which is always the marker of a good novelization.

Return to Oz takes place several months after the original film, when Aunty Em and Uncle Henry are trying to build a new house and get the farm back in order before winter. Concerned by Dorothy’s continued belief in Oz and her increased insomnia, Aunty Em decides to take her to a doctor who offers healing through electroshock therapy. Yeah, it’s exactly as fucking creepy as it sounds… You get a scary aslyum, a sinister head nurse, being strapped to a hospital gurney, and new baddies that scared the bejeezus out of me as a kid. Anyway, before she can be electrocuted, Dorothy manages to escape back to Oz where she discovers her friends are in dire need of help. It’s like Alice: Madness Returns but from Disney. Go watch this movie.

She Drives Me Crazy

I had very mixed feelings about this book. It’s about high school basketball player, Scottie, who has suffered a bad breakup with her girlfriend who moved schools to play on the opposing basketball team. Things go from bad to worse when she gets into a car accident with her arch-nemesis, the cheerleader Irene. One things lead to another and bada bing bada boom we have a fake dating scheme so that Scottie can get back at her ex.

This book had some genuinely fun moments (I’m always a sucker for a fake dating scheme, and the characters were reasonably fun) but it’s biggest failing is one that I’ve seen more than I like in current queer lit. It just tries so. fucking. hard. to be unproblematic. Like yeah, it’s great to see healthy relationships but it was SO explicit about it. So much therapy speak, way more than feels natural for a conversation or internal monolgue, especially when they’re in high emotions. The “banter” was very scripted. It was a book that felt like it had a laugh track. And while the ending was satisfying enough, it was also… I don’t know. Anticlimactic. We just spent so long tying everything up in a perfectly neat little bow that it really just strolled to an ending that was obvious from a mile away. 

Like look, I get it, we want this to be squeaky clean and beyond reproach, but I have NEVER entered a fake dating story hoping that everyone was going to be really sensible and respectful and level-headed. Fake dating is the slapstick of the romance world, I want some Shakespearean level bullshit, please don’t try to gussy it up for me. Gonna go and rewatch 10 Things I Hate About You or something just to feel things again. Or maybe pop over to AO3, your average fic writer at least understands that when I say fake dating I mean I want something absolutely fucking unhinged and filled to the gill with mutual pining.

So yeah, if you want a sports-based high school sapphic romance: it’s not a bad book. It went down easy, I liked listening to it in the mornings when I needed something light before work. Some bits I even quite enjoyed. But it’s not going to rock your world.

Shuna’s Journey

Well, if nothing else you can really, definitely tell this was done by Hayoa Miyazaki. I’m honestly not really sure how I felt about it. The art was beautiful, and the story was pure undiluted Miyazaki through and through. The narrative was very nice. The story and message was poignant. It was a nice book. I can’t say it’s stuck very heavily in my mind, but I enjoyed reading it. It felt like a precursor to Princess Monoke / Nausicaa, perhaps?

The Witches

The story of one child and his grandmother needing to contend with witches. Not fairytale witches. Real witches. And all their horrible, child-hating ways. One thing I will always love about Dahl is that when he wants to write about something Horrible, nothing will stop him. His villains are truly villainous and the witches are a prime example of that! I loved the description of the witches and their horrible, sinister deeds, especially in the first half of the book. This sure is Child Murder: The Novel! The ending was absolutely not what I was expecting, and I appreciate that. Such a bizarre book.

[19thperson]

19th's June 2024 Steam Next Fest Impressions - Day 4

Day 0/Day 1/Day 2/Day 3

Leximan

You are a wizard with word magic in a shitty wizard school.

In the overworld, that translates to typing out random words to get various effects. In battle, word fragments bounce around the screen, and you have to form a word with whatever you get to handle the situation.

As per it being a comedy game, my experience was making the wrong choices on purpose to see what happens. There doesn't seem to be any actual damage system, so it's just do whatever until you progress.

At it's height it is the best of early homestuck or problem slueth, laughing at the absurd consequences of an obtuse system. At its worst, the jokes feel incredibly forced. It's a land of contrast.

Biggest complaint is that I wish you could redo fights. I often found myself ending one early and wanting to see the other outcomes.

Mind Over Magnet

After years of telling people how making videos game works, youtubesman Game Makers Toolkit made a video game. A puzzle platformer about being a robbit and throwing your magnet friend around.

From the demo alone, it is... entirely cromulent.

It has puzzles that are puzzles. It's movement is smoothment. Nothing surprising, nothing disappointing.

It is a video game equivalent of a bowl of really good cereal or oatmeal with some effort put into it, with fruit chunks and everything. It's perfectly filling and enjoyable, and then you go about the rest of your day.

49 Keys

Apparently, this is an adaptation of a well received italian puzzle book.

It plays like an attempt to mix the classic text adventure style and the modern adventure game style. Most everything is text description with sparse illustrations, but interaction is done by dragging inventory items onto relevant paragraphs.

The plot is that you are a dominican priest or some other church official. Your teacher had not only been into church stuff but also astrology and occult stuff and would teach whoever had an ear. Church didn't like that, but he came from a wealthy family, so the best they could do is exile him to an island to continue his studies in peace and not corrupt the other clergymen.

On his deathbed, he sends the player a letter saying "hey I'm about to kick the bucket, I got a project I need finished, and I only trust you to do that." Which judging from the art and descriptions is some Lovecraft shit.

Unfortunately, the demo never gets to the lovecraft shit, ending right when you find a way to enter his house. While it didn't clock as "Scary" yet, they've got the historical fiction voice down, nailing the balance of antiquated sounding speech while still being easily legible. And they've got a good UI to add to that atmosphere.

Of course, the hot demon lady color spreads on the steam page kinda clash with that.

Curiosity piqued but expectations reserved.

Raining City: Millions Recollection

Gotta admit, I recognize it's sort of an unfair expectation, but after being burned by multiple chinese VN demos in previous next fests, it's nice to see one that's been translated to competent english. Not perfect, still has some pronoun switching, name inconsistencies, and some weird phrasing sprinkled throughout, but it was a naturalistic reading experience. I could consistently follow what was meant without much effort.

This is a supernatural mystery thriller. Lu Xuan is a member of a secretive group called "The Agency." She returns from a mission, expecting to relax, only for a mysterious lapse in memory to occur. When she wakes up, she's covered in blood, and there's a pure black hole in her hand. thin black lines wriggle out, spelling "100,000,000."

Before she can figure out what's going on, she's attacked by a creature that seems half dessicated corpse and half withering tree. After it rips off her arm, it regrows, with a few million dropping from her hand number. Thus starts her descent into the supernatural, as the new supposed "wealthiest woman in the world."

From the first two chapters the game has given, it's set up a lot of threads at once. The hand hole, the agency, a mysterious pawn shop, an unusual beached whale incident, the implication of a cult/religious group, multiple characters having simultaneous gaps in memory.

The cast feels well varied in both design and character voice, and I really like what the character designer is doing. I am guessing the backgrounds are based on photos because there's a nice sense of lived-in detail for a lot of them.

Definitely going on my wishlist.

[thatstonedwriter]

heyyy! I saw your shipping requests are open, so I decided to send one 😂 I'm fine with any character from The Boys🙏

I'm a bi korean woman with dark hair and black eyes. My first language is Russian. I work in a clinic, so I think my style is classic. I have a lot of tattoos and nose and lip piercings. I did them when I was a teenager. my tattoos are both beautiful and meaningful, I have a tattoo for the asoiaf universe, another tattoo with my favorite planet, etc.

I finished university a few years ago, and I have a degree in clinical psychology. In my country it took me more than 6 years but I was very happy. When I was a teenager, I wanted to become a clinical psychologist or therapist or psychiatrist. I was very interested in the human mind. My favorite book at that time was Crime and Punishment 😂

I read a lot of books, mostly classic and modern prose, I have a tiktok account in russian where I'm talking about my favorite books and authors (mainly Navokov and Dostoevsky). I haven't posted much lately since I'm pretty busy with other stuff.

In my free time I'm an artist, I have a blog where I post (mainly asoiaf) art. I did my first art in March when I had a lot of free time, and I wanted to draw my favorite characters. I made a great progress + already taking commissions. I love drawing, it just helps me relax (I usually listen to audio books when I draw)

I'm not very social person, I love my friends and my family, but I just don't like to be around people a lot. I live alone for almost 10 years and i love it. I wanted to get a cat a few years ago, but I decided not to. I don't know if I'm responsible enough for this.

When I was in school or uni, I always spent a lot of time studying. In school I did it cause I wanted to be better than people in my class and in uni I did it cause I loved studying. When I was a teenager I wrote a lot of poems and even won in a competition, I still write poems, but not that much and I don't show it to people anymore.

I hope that is enough info 😂😂 If I made any mistakes, I'm sorry, I still have troubles with Eng. Thank you sm♥️♥️♥️

A/n- Hello hello, and thank you so much for requesting! Your taste in art and books is so sophisticated omg. I also used to write poetry! I used to read my poems at Open Mic nights at my high school, and it was a lot of fun : ) your tattoos sound dope, too. One of your fave planet?! Please tell me which one. I think mine is Jupiter ☺️

Hope you enjoy!

I ship you with...

M.M!

Marvin really appreciates your calmer, methodical nature. Often times when the group is together, you're off with an earbud in one ear as you draw in a small space, secluded from the main area. Of course, it’s appreciated until MM needs your attention for a group meeting and you’re off in your own world. Usually he sighs, moves on, and resigns himself to explaining everything to you later- not that he minds such a softie

Your intellectualism and the way you strive for academic and personal success really sets you apart in Marvin’s eyes. Every day, he’s impressed and inspired by the dedication and care you put into all your projects- academic or otherwise.

Being less social isn’t something that Marvin takes an issue with in fact, I think he’d prefer someone more lowkey to balance out all the chaos already present in his life. I could see you two spending time reading/listening to audio books together. When you’re tired (it’s mostly just because he wants to), MM will bring you snacks so you can lay down and relax while he reads to you

MM needs a lot of help with managing his stress and OCD. It’s not the only thing that helps, but the perspectives and knowledge you’ve gained while studying psychology could potentially help with identifying coping mechanisms and ways of communication that help keep MM from breaking out with stress-hives.

Never mind any potential language barriers because MM actually puts in the effort of learning as much Russian as he can. If there are points where you can’t understand each other, Marvin has a translation app open and at the ready.

MM will forever be grateful for your sensitivity and creativity- your fascination with the human mind allows for a deeper understanding and empathy between the two of you. Any art pieces you give to MM are hung up around his designated space in the Boys’ hideout.

[moth--knight]

no but seriously tho lol I'm curious about the processing fic, eulogy for roses, and blessed art amongst women?? VERY CURIOUS I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT THESE ARE!!!

Also super excited for all of these!! YOU GOT THIS MY FRIEND!!

processing is my forever in progress t4t bayojeanne fic, set post B1 <3 <3 here is a small snippet:

For the first time in years, she wakes up feeling thrilled to start the day. The world has taken on new color with Jeanne in her life.  She wrinkles her nose at her own nauseating sentimentality, and adds a plump grapefruit to her cart. It is nice to get in season produce, and she thinks Jeanne might appreciate the bitter taste. The woman had the oddest preferences. Tart and bitter anything were her go-to, with a disdain for sweetness. Bayonetta will never forget the dramatic scoff Jeanne had let out upon seeing the impressive selection of fruity tea housed within her cabinets. What an odd duck - a witch without a sweet tooth? Nonsensical, if you ask her. Umbra thrive on magical candy, for goodness sake. She gets clementines for herself, a perfectly reasonable choice. 

eulogy for the roses is a sequel to fleurs funéraires, my post B3 hanahaki AU fic!! this fic is from viola's POV. (I had completely forgotten about it until now lol). here is a small snippet:

“Again, kitty.” Viola spits the mud out of her mouth, face crinkling in disgust. Everything aches - this is the fifth (sixth?) time she’s been thrown across the clearing, skidding painfully across the damp earth face first. From within the sword, Cheshire growls in a register akin to laughter. At least someone is having fun. “Asshole,” she mutters, pushing herself up on unsteady arms. Her forearms burn with the exertion, and she flops back to the ground unceremoniously, groaning pitifully in the back of her throat. She can hear Jeanne’s disappointed sigh from all the way across the clearing. Fucking great.

blessed art thou amongst women is actually a Barbara/Melissa fic for Abbott Elementary, and a sorta sequel to my fic sunday best. here is a small snippet of that as well:

It’s getting late. Not that Melissa has obsessively been watching the clock, or anything. She most certainly has not been lying here for the past hour and half in a state of dread and disappointment and self flagellation for said dread and disappointment as the minutes ticked by.  She doesn’t know if Barbara even realizes, curled up against her chest, eyes trained on whatever Lifetime movie she’d put on. Every so often she’ll speak, voice heavy as molasses, and make some witty remark or scathing commentary about the absurdity of the whole film while Melissa strokes an idle thumb against her neck, her shoulder, her ear, humming in agreement.  She seems content, in Melissa’s arms. Wonders will never cease. It would be easy to fall asleep, just like this. Barbara warm and weighty against her frame, the softness of her worn-in couch, the low volume of the TV serving as the perfect white noise. She could close her eyes and drift off, right here. But.

I need to complete some of these WIPs......help. HELP! Thank you for the vote of confidence my friend o7 I hope you enjoyed the small snippets :D

[gaoootic]

I found this ANCIENT I think 15 year old by now vocaloid song today through some random shitpost on twitter, I liked it a lot!

Might be because I also played that one mesmerizer fangame update recently, but my brain's been spinning around the topic of those as of late. I think it's kind of funny how the little robot voice program served to make so much art and music and connect a lot of people. It's rather heart-warming in a sense, the way people collaborate and build on top of each other's ideas to have fun.

I didn't only think this one sounded nice, the lyrics are pretty neat as well. I've always been harsh on myself, mostly out of necessity I'd like to claim, but I wonder what that younger little bastard would think right about now in terms of how well I'm doing. Well, I say that, but I don't think I even expected to still exist by around that time lmao

I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and guess he'd be really impressed; I'd like to think I'll be impressed with the future version of myself regardless of circumstance, so it's only fair.

These old nnd vocaloid songs are so charming, perhaps I think of them as simpler times because my age were single digits when they came out, but something about them has this certain... Heart, I guess? to them. Not to say a lot of present day ones don't, I find gems every so often that I decide to treasure.

In terms of my favorite vocaloid song, however, it's probably うたうたいのうた. I hold it very dearly and in high regards, it's so oddly sweet and lovely, it never fails to cheer me up. I wanted to make a drawing about it, but amidst all of my life's daily push and pulls, it's difficult to find time and motivation for it, let alone putting in enough effort to where I'd be satisfied with it. But that's fine, actually! I know there's always the option for me to come back to it and make something new, I just need to make the choice to take it. I found it after the fact of making my I think first real oc and it's really fitting to what I went through in terms of creating something.

On another note, still related to both songs, JP progress is going well! I'm nearing the one-year mark, and I know I've still got it in me to continue on learning. I think I'm roughly around the point where I can watch a random 3-minute native japanese video on youtube and with great effort and a lot of dictionary usage and grammar lookups be able to fully understand it, which is very exciting! That would certainly shock little snotty child me for sure. I wonder what will surprise me about myself in some years to come, maybe I'll have more of a handle on things? Mostly positive, I hope. Bit by bit I'll get somewhere I enjoy.

[keefwho]

May 07 - 2024 Tuesday

10:31pm

4.5/10

Im writing on time tonight because DS went to sleep early and I did my dishes early partly because my tummy hurts.

This morning I did my whole body shave with the manscaped attachment I don't usually use which was a good idea, it's bigger than the thing I usually use. It's just not as good at trimming unless you are only going against the grain. I took my shower and for breakfast I made oatmeal using some frozen cut up apples and a side of spam. It was a light breakfast since I've been eating big meals lately. I did my monthly finances finally, just 2 days late.

For work today I warmed up by sketching human torsos but my head wasn't really in it so I didn't do a great job. That didn't bode well for what commissions were going to turn out like. It was just one of those days. I had a bit of trouble on the commission because GT, the guy paying for it, just wanted me to redraw a black and white image of a guy on a motorcycle but as a cat instead. Partway in I didn't think my usual process would be best so I decided to wing it instead and do something more like a lineless color study which turned out to be a good idea. I stopped stream halfway through because little things kept going wrong and my tablet died which required me to restart my computer. DS seemed upset at that which sucks because she's definitely my favorite viewer to have.

Off stream I asked TK if she wanted to hang out in her server VC while I worked. She said she had just showered and likes to wind down after so in a bit we could. In the meantime I worked on the commission with some music. I got distracted a few times but not too badly. She alerted me when she was good to go so I joined her and her boyfriend to chill. NJ joined as well. I mostly listened until I decided to speak up about some frustrations I had today. It turned into a big rant session to NJ who was kinda becoming my therapist for some reason. He asked some good questions but didn't have very good advice in my opinion. He also implied every thing I said was wrong which wasn't productive, I felt like I was defending myself at every turn on things I was confident I was right about. Eventually the topic was abandoned and I left briefly to start lunch. I made stir fry rice with canned ham and mixed vegetables. It came out okay, I wish I had added more jalapenos. I continued work in the call. TK asked what I was working on and I had to explain it was someone's character performing receiving fellatio. Then I worked on something of my own which was my otter giving head and I actually showed them that one since they were curious. It was a strangely classic case of showing "normies" some relatively extreme furry art, but they appreciated the quality of it. Especially the background. After an hour of working on that, I switched to my custom pony VRchat avatar. I more or less finished work on the basic body shape I think, but I'm not sure I'm sold on it yet. TK left and I hung out with the other guys until I was done working. Then I got off to decompress.

I watched episode 2 of Black Mirror this evening. I already got all my thoughts on it out to DS, but my view was trying to positive in that maybe their society would improve with the introduction of the guy's podcast on the state of the system. I think it was left open ended. I got the impression at the end that it was implied he had a LOT of work ahead of him. After watching, I booted up KSP with the goal of further figuring out a way to organize my crafts and do a couple missions. The craft organizer mod is unfortunately bugged which makes it very hard to use. I might just have to get rid of it and think of another way to organize. DS got in bed early and we called to do our usual routine of puzzles and KH2. She talked to me a bit about her struggles lately and I empathize with all of it. It's stuff I'm also working on and making headway I think. Its progress I wish I could share with her somehow without lecturing about how I'm doing it. I know the best thing I can do is support her as she figures out what works for her which I'm eager to witness and hear about. I reached the end of the game in KH2 and next is the final final boss I think. After DS fell asleep I continued KSP a little bit. I also ate the first chicken strip I've made that come un-cooked which was something I was very slightly worried about. I knew it wouldn't really be a big deal, and it wasn't. Since they're frozen it isn't very gross handling them. I just know I gotta wash my hands when I'm done. Its unrelated that my tummy has hurt all afternoon and evening and still is. I keep having to go but it's all ordinary. This has happened before, its just uncommon for me. No idea what could have my stomach like this but I think it's already passing. I getting very cozy watching a Twitch streamer play Fallout 4, I'm probably gonna watch until I happen to pass out.

I wanted to practice "self as context" from my ACT book today but I didn't out of simple laziness. I'm guilty of feeling like I already know everything I need to know but that is foolish and I know it. I turned this journal into a sort of practice by writing it from the perspective that I'm reading it which helps me provide better context for events and makes me look at my own writing style. It helps prevent rambling in a way that I ignore and forget about as soon as the words have been typed.

[cooliogirl101]

Would Sayuri train Ichigo? Can we see a bit of that? I'd like to see Sayuri teach Ichigo something, just because I'm curious what her methods and attitude would be

Sayuri is an...incredibly demanding teacher. She has extremely high standards (she grew up alongside Aizen Sousuke, after all), she's hard to impress and even harder to surprise, and she knows exactly where your limits are and when you're not reaching them. Like, she wouldn't push you past your breaking point but she'll be able to sense if you're not trying your best.

That being said, Ichigo thrives on being challenged so they're actually a really good fit for each other as far as a teacher-student relationship goes. She's the kind of teacher who demands excellence in every subject, which translates into excellence in all the shinigami arts (including kido-- unlike in canon, Ichigo ends up being quite good at kido because Sayuri doesn't accept anything less). Because the other thing Ichigo thrives on is protecting others, her training exercises often involve Masaki, Karin, or Yuzu in some way (they're never in any true danger and Ichigo knows that, but their presence provides an extra incentive anyway). Finally, she also believes in being exposed to a wide range of fighting styles, which means she gets the Visored involved, has Ichigo fight against progressively stronger hollows, includes Tatsuki in her hand-to-hand combat lessons, and brings Uryu in because why not, he might have to fight a Quincy someday.

Mostly though, she believes in preparing him against potential future enemies.

"Quite an interesting fighting style ya have there," Shinji comments, his voice deceptively casual.

"I thought I'd try something different today," Sayuri replies, not looking up from where she's polishing her zanpakuto.

"I noticed." Shinji's smile is a bit too sharp to be friendly. "Gotta admit, I haven't seen that style in a while."

"Recognize it, do you?" Sayuri asks, not sounding particularly surprised. "I figured you might."

"It's hard to forget," Shinji says, an edge creeping into his voice. His smile doesn't quite reach his eyes. "It belonged to my former lieutenant, after all."

There's a stilted pause.

"You're not the only former member of the Gotei 13, Hirako-san," Sayuri answers flatly. She's still not looking at him. "And although he may have been your former lieutenant, you are not the only one to have known him."

Shinji studies her for a moment. He doesn't know the newest member of the Kurosaki family very well, in fact, the amount of information he knows about Sayuri would fill less than half a page— although not for lack of trying, he thinks to himself ruefully-- but he does know she detests lies. He also knows that had she wanted to hide her connection to Aizen Sousuke, he would likely have never found out about it.

Which means that she either doesn't care if he knows (the more likely possibility) or wants him to know.

"You must have known Aizen Sousuke quite well to mimic his fighting style to such a degree," Shinji says quietly. Left unsaid is the fact that she must be quite powerful to mimic his fighting style at all.

"Or maybe I just watched him closely." She glances up at him for a brief moment before looking away again. "You needn't worry about me, Hirako-san. I have no allegiance towards him."

"I believe you," Shinji says honestly. After all, he doubts she'd be training Ichigo on how to fight Aizen if she was loyal to him. Still--

"You said you were a former member of the Gotei 13," he says, after a pause. "You must have arrived after I...left, then. I would have remembered you."

Someone like Sayuri...no, he doubts he would have ever forgotten her.

A strange expression flickers across Sayuri's face, gone too quickly for Shinji to catch it.

"Yes," she says softly. "Yes, you would have, wouldn't you?"

(The thing was, Sayuri thinks, Hirako-taicho had never trusted Sousuke. Sousuke had hated him for it, once upon a time-- hated him for reminding him that his mask wasn't perfect.

Hirako-taicho had never trusted her either, but Sayuri had found it a relief. You can't betray someone who never trusted you, after all.

He'd wanted to, though. He'd wanted to trust her, had desperately wanted to believe that he was wrong-- she sensed it in the way he looked at her during every late night meeting they had together, the conflicted expression in his eyes on the rare occasions she allowed him to see her smile, laugh, grieve-- hints of emotion behind her mask, meticulously planned moments of vulnerability but genuine all the same.

She’d also sensed why he wanted so, so badly to be wrong about her. She wasn't quite sure why she never took advantage of that reason, why something inside her recoiled at the thought of doing so-- it would have been easy enough to do so, after all.

Maybe a part of her had wanted to be the Sayuri Hirako-taicho wanted her to be as badly as he did.

Hirako-taicho had never blinded himself to the truth of what she and Sousuke were though, had never let himself believe in a lie. And later, once everything went to hell, he had never let his personal feelings get in the way on the battlefield. She'd...respected him for that. Had admired him for that.

She'd never been able to manage such a thing. Had never had the strength to put duty and morality and the people depending on her above love.

Maybe that was why when he came to find her after Sousuke's death, asking her to show mercy-- to not release her bankai on the Seireitei-- she'd listened.)

[bjornsonbrightman]

A (not-so-brief) list and analysis of the things that were changed in the set design of Phantom London, part 1

[*includes things that were changed in between the release of the infamous Planning Document™ and opening night!*]

WARNING: long, image-heavy post

The past week has undoubtedly been very confusing and anxiety-inducing for a lot of phans, I myself included, who were (and are) still horrified of what C*mM*ck has done to Phantom London.

So naturally, as someone who lives somewhere that couldn't be farther from the UK, I decided to compile a list of all the things that I've learned — through hours of shamelessly scrolling through Instagram, Twitter and Facebook tags — about the planning, creation and production of the new set design.

Hang on tight, it's a bumpy ride.

1. The proscenium

The most obvious thing that is now different from the OG. Let's take a look at the concept art shown in the original planning document:

Ahh, I remember the release of this picture and the Tumblr/Twitter/FB explosion that ensued like it was yesterday. Good times.

The new set design by Matt Kinley is mainly derived from what he did for the UK tour, which introduced the cracked, sculpture-less proscenium and the separate proscenium frame/boxes that appear only during the opera scenes. Unlike the greatly simplified UK tour design, however, this design for London appears to have the original lyres and garlands at the top, as well as some structural elements of the OG proscenium (see the outward curved trimmings on the top sides). The surrounding areas of the auditorium are also shown to be restored to their original colours, the most interesting of which is a new false wall in the area behind the top part of the proscenium. These areas were previously blacked out with black paint and black masking.

Despite hewing closer to the OG than the UK tour did, this was still a sacrilegious bastardization far cry from Maria Björnson's design, and I guess the creatives were aware of it too, as they seemed to try to soften the blow by:

using actual pieces of the original proscenium that weren't a part of the OG plan such as this satyr-riding angel...

including an "homage" to Maria (according to ALW) in the form of a new sculptural bust that fills up the Golden Angel's spot (picture from @mariussansmerci) ...

The design of the false wall behind the lyres on top was also changed to... something that I guess gives off the impression of a false dome?? Not too sure about this one but I kinda like it ngl:

Something that the planning document mentions is that the removal of the side sculptures and the installation of a "cracked" proscenium allows for sound equipment to be installed behind the sides of the proscenium, which frees up the two side boxes to be "used as originally intended". And that's exactly what happened. Surprise, C*mM*ck now has 4 extra seats that he can sell overpriced.

And here's the finished result (photos from here):

With the safety curtain that was brought over from the UK tour and without the inner proscenium/boxes:

To be honest? I kinda like the final result. Those (possibly face-saving) changes really saved the design from looking like a bad copy of the original proscenium; now it just looks like a mediocre copy. But don't worry, whenever I get too comfortable with this new design I just pull out pictures of Maria's OG proscenium and my fiery anger for the new one is reignited.

And that's all I have on the proscenium!

Next up we have something that I believe had the most confusing and troubled development out of all the new set pieces:

2. The Chandelier

Man, this poor thing has been through a lot.

When it was originally designed for the UK tour, the chandelier was intended to utilize much of the same technology that the r*staged tour chandelier used, namely the drapes that are "magically" sucked into the chandelier itself and the straight-dropping mechanism. Hence, the new chandelier was made to be circular and non-collapsible, featuring a decorative spike on the bottom. According to pictures of the model and the concept art shown in the planning document, I suspect the drapes were to be sucked in through the decorative lyres (see the circular openings):

But this mechanism was precisely the reason for the downfall of this design. Come opening night of the UK tour, and this chandelier was nowhere to be seen. My suspicion of what went wrong? Either the drapes were snagging on the lyres (kind of like what happened to the short-lived garlands on R*staged Tour Chandelier), or the retractable frame that held up the drapes wasn't working properly.

But whatever the reason for the failure of this mashup chandelier, the designers must've realized and abandoned ship pretty late, because pictures from one of the prop makers showed that it was still being made with frames that were very much non-collapsible as late as February this year:

Once they realized it wasn't going to work, I believe a series of last-minute actions were made. My theory: they brought back the OG chandelier in all its missing-bulbs glory less than a week away from opening...

... and stripped it of its lyres, which were transplanted onto the new chandelier, as is evident from the final product (photo from @soulsoaringphan):

This hypothesis is bolstered by the fact that the new lyres were originally going to have holes in them for drape-sucking (ew), and so once the decision was made to have the chandelier work more like the OG, the logical step would have been to just borrow the lyres from the old one instead of making new ones in less than a week or two from opening.

Also note the gaps in the beading that would've had the rigid golden frame trimmings seen in the model and the in-progress photos above; the designers must have removed them hastily to allow the chandelier to collapse, but unfortunately they just... left it empty. Oh, and the absence of the spike on the bottom, which is now just a huge gaping hole (again, ew). There's also an additional tier on top that wasn't present in the OG, model or any of the concept art.

I'm actually quite relieved that the new chandelier is pretty similar to the OG and the Palais Garnier one, but if I have to nitpick: I miss the horizontal decorative beading, the ones that were on the top tier and in between the lyres in the old chandelier. Maybe it's just me, but the chandelier looks... incomplete without them.

And that's all I have on the chandelier!

3. The Orchestra Pit — wait, I can't upload any more pictures??

Welp, guess I'll have to make a part 2 then. Thanks for reading this long, long rant post, I hope it was at the very least entertaining and slightly informative!

And lemme know if I forgot to credit anyone whose pictures I used!

[ingravinoveritas]

Hey there. I'm glad I'm not the only one who ships David and Michael. I want to ask... Since you ship them too, what are your favorite moments between them and why? And when did you start thinking there actually might something happen between them?

Hi Anon! I apologize that it’s taken me time to respond to your question. I needed to really think about my answer to this, as it is so difficult to choose a favorite moment between Michael and David. I’ve also been talking about so many of those moments lately, so I wanted to think of something that hadn’t already been discussed.

So I would say that, yes, many of my favorites are ones I’ve mentioned previously on my blog, but two that come to mind right now are when David and Michael were on Graham Norton last year, and then David interviewing Michael for his podcast.

Now, there was a lot going on during this interview, with Graham Norton busy Graham Norton-ing and of course the eggplant emoji incident, but what gets me is the sustained look of pure, unadulterated adoration that Michael was giving David:

...That. Nonstop. For almost the entire interview. Amazing.

Their bodies were also oriented toward each other the whole time, again falling into that pattern of always ending up in their own little world. Michael and David were ever the professionals, of course, interacting gamely with Graham and Chris Hemsworth and the audience, but they clearly only had eyes for each other. I also loved the moment where David recited the very long name of the place in Wales. He didn’t learn it specifically to impress Michael, as we know (he learned it from a Welsh actress while doing a Shakespeare play, to mess with the sign language interpreter), but on some level, he had to know what that would do to Michael. And we got Michael’s wonderful, giddy reaction--which was to look like he was barely restraining himself from dropping to one knee and proposing right there--and David just utterly basking in the warm glow of Michael’s attention.

The second moment I mentioned was David interviewing Michael on his podcast. It’s one of the most delightful interviews I’ve ever heard precisely for the reason that it doesn’t at all sound like an interview, but rather like two close friends just having a conversation (which is at least partly due to David’s talent as an interviewer). But right from the outset, one of the first things David says as they’re talking about a GO photo shoot they had just done is, “You're an honest version of how I'm feeling." Which confirmed something that I’ve been observing for a long while now, which is that Michael says the things that David only thinks. There’s a thread of that in so many of their interactions and interviews, which is subtle, but after a while you start to see it, and it’s fascinating.

To go back to the conversational quality of the interview, even though there was no video, the way Michael and David interacted made it easy to imagine what that conversation might look like. My mental image is basically of a sleepover, of them sitting on the floor together in their pyjamas, David behind Michael, knees bent and his long legs bracketing either side of Michael’s body, both of them sharing popcorn out of a bowl beside them and drinking glasses of red wine. David idly plays with Michael’s hair as he asks questions and giggles at Michael’s answers, and then he slowly starts to grip his curls just a tiny bit harder, massaging his head, making Michael’s breath hitch in his throat, but he keeps the conversation going. By the end, they’re both a bit tipsy and Michael is leaning back against David’s chest, warm and flushed and eyes fluttering closed as David rubs the back of his neck, debating whether to laugh or to turn his head and kiss David to break the growing tension...

(...I realize that was rather elaborate, but that whole scenario just blossomed in my mind as I re-listened to the podcast. Also, the fact that there’s a deleted clip of Michael saying “I almost came” and David giggling in response is another reason it’s one of my favorite MS/DT moments and really, really makes me wish we had video of this interview...)

Anyway, to the second part of your question, Anon, which is when did I think there might be something happening between Michael and David. I actually went back into my Tumblr archive to see when I started getting into Good Omens (June 2019) and how the timeline progressed from there. I can see that from the beginning, as I was diving headfirst into Aziraphale/Crowley fanfic and fanart, that I kept gravitating to the more ‘realistic’ art--illustrations, paintings, drawings, etc. that looked like the actors, rather than an artistic interpretation of the characters (which is not to say that other forms are bad, just that it’s my personal preference for fanart).

Right away, I was shipping Aziraphale and Crowley, but I think I was unconsciously drawn to that chemistry between Michael and David, even though I wasn’t outright shipping them then. The shift started to happen not long after that, as I began watching more and more of Michael and David’s interviews and all the GO press tour stuff I could get my hands on. But I am pretty sure that what made the switch finally flip was two things: Michael calling David his “lover,” and this moment, from earlier this year:

Over and over again, Michael has talked about how he was initially excited to be in Good Omens because he’s such a huge fan of the book, he’s known Neil forever, he’s mainlined Ineffable Husbands fanfic like Turkish black mule heroin, and so on. But then here, Michael is talking about what made filming the show so special...and it’s David. He’s remembering this experience--this incredible, life-altering journey of filming this show--and it’s not the book or shipping Aziraphale and Crowley that he speaks about with the most tender affection. It’s David. I just thought that was utterly lovely and very telling.

But the thing is, Anon, is that there really isn’t one specific moment that made me think something might have happened between Michael and David. It’s just been the gradual accumulation of all these moments put together--both the ones I mentioned in this post and the ones I’ve talked about previously. It’s how Michael and David talk about each other when they’re together and when they are apart. And it’s how, despite having numerous opportunities to put out the flames of suggestion, Michael instead runs toward them cackling maniacally, a can of kerosene in hand. (I also like to imagine an amused David just standing there calmly and holding up a Zippo lighter for his part.)

So I hope that helps to answer your question, Anon, and I’m always glad to hear from another shipper. Thanks for writing in and for being here! x

[badhebie]

BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!

[03-07-2021] Return to the city, which I have left for several years. Bandung. A town I love, which never fails to impress me. The city always has something new around every corner.

Made an appointment to Meet an 'old friend' that I never seen or talking for many years. After talking with shitty and unnecessary chitchat then we moved to an old Kopitiam around Sudirman Street that still amazed me until now.

After many years passed, this old Kopitiam still impress me. The building, the wall arts, the decorations, the ambience, the lighting, even the people coming here still same as in the past. Many old guys and old ladies coming here only for playing capsa, chess or mahjong showdown while enjoying some Coffee or Tea with some Dimsum. They just playing happily with each other. They seems dont care that now already quite late at night. What a moments.. Reminiscing!

After feeling mesmerized, we order some of their Signature Coffee and some Dumplings. I'm shocked to know that their tastes of Coffee is consistency and never change! That's cool!

Because of nowadays I'm enjoying writting about anything, then I tell my friend that I will record all of our chitchat and conversation into an mp3 recording file. So I could make the convo's transcript to fill in into my blog :))

t r a n s c r i p t :

Me : This Kopitiam kinda reminds me about the old times that we always coming here for almost every week with our friends..

P : Ya Ya Ya.. indeed! It is not every week! But twice a week, hahaha..

It's been long story we talking about anything until I tell her about my problems.. she looks kinda shock hearing it all and seems not believe for what happening to me right now.

Yes I told her about my family's matters..

P : Oh.. ( I can see her eyes pouring some tears )

I cannot believe why you have to be an asshole by cheating to your wife? Do you know that what you have done is so heartless and hurts your wife so much? Oh ibie!! I really cannot believe what you have done!! really.. fucking asshole! (I can see some rage on her eyes!)

Me : Well, things happens! My life is fucked. And I really fully regrets! I dont know how to fix this.. Yes I know I have done something terrible.. But at that time, I feels like i lost controls to myself and everything. And at that time I feels like I dont understand myself too..

P : You dont need to make excuse for youself! Wrong is wrong.. You have no reasons to do all this fucking things!

Me : Yes I know.. and I admit that I was an asshole for doing this.. and now i really regretfully for what happened to my family..

at that time, I feels like sometimes my wife didnt love me and sometimes I feels like she never respect me.. I dont know this is only my feeling or my reasons, but yes sometimes i feels like that..

Maybe because Im an overthinker person, thats why that time I lost control to myself and doing all this bad things. But after that i feel regret.. really sad and sorry..

P : Whatever your reasons, bie! What you've done is unacceptable.. Oh I really speechless to you! fuck!

Then, have you apologize to your wife and ask for forgiveness from her? Have you explain everything to her? Are you really feel sorry now?

Me : Yes I do! As a man, I do apologize and ask for forgiveness from her. I even kneel to her to forgive me and give me chance. I dont know how to fix this.. I dont know how to make her forgive me and give me last chance and trust me again that I will never ever doing very bad mistakes again and broke her trust again.

P : Then? Did she forgive you?

Me : No, She is not. She said she cannot give me chance for now and ask me to clear my self out of problems.. at first I was so excited that I thought she is willing to give me chance. I'm doing my best effort to fix everything, I do my best to bring back her trust on me. Until one day I realized that she's only play with my guilt and probably just want to revenge to me. After knowing that, I feels numb and thinking that all my efforts was nothing. What am I trying to fix was meaningless.. Then its time I have stopped all my efforts to fix everything and stop expecting. I feel bad.. really bad!

P : Huh? What do you mean? I dont get it. Why dont you continue to fix with her? Show your fully efforts to brings her back!! Its all your fault then you have to fix!

Me : Yes, at first I will show her my fully effort and Im willing to do anything to fix all of this. Then one day I realized that she was looking for another guys or maybe now she probably having a relationship with someone else already. That day I realized that all she said by saying will give me chance after I clear myself out was only a joke, its fake and just an empty hope!

Can you imagine, if she said will give me chance but in reality she was in relationship with another guy? Then I have to fix what? I have to keep fighting to fix everything when she has already have relationship with another guy? It's unacceptable for me! If she said she will give me chance, she have to wait and look at my progress, she have to let me work my best and wait me until I clear myself out, but what she did is having another relationship with someone else! Then what she said will giving me chance was a fake and its all lie! Am I right? Thats why I'm stopped all of this!

P : Huh? Wait.. wait! I miss something here. So, she said she will give you chance but you have to fix yourself first BUT in reality, she was having relationship with another guy already? So, what I got here is she probably waiting you for fixing yourself but while waiting she has another relationship with someone else? She is having relationship while waiting you?

Me : YES! Exactly! I'm not sure she's already in relationship or still looking for another guy.. but this is so heartless and unacceptable for me! Why dont she just said NO MORE CHANCE for me instead of saying will giving me chance but having another relationship with someone else or looking for someone else? Its does not make sense!

P : If this is the case, then yes.. actually what she have to do is just saying directly to you that NO CHANCES for you. I dont understand her as well.. why she said she will give you chance after you clear yourself out but she is having or looking relationship with someone else.. Haha im curious about it! Well, then its your rights to stop or to keep fighting for her! But I understand you, you will feel hurt when you keep fighting for her while she was having relationship with someone else. Well, my advice is just follow your heart! But if the case is like this, you better pull yourself out of this situation and keep walking.. At least you already did your job, feels regret, apologizing, ask for forgiveness and trying your best to fix everything, eventhough in the end it didn't go as you pleased, but at least you tried. You did a great job, bie!

Me : Yes! I take my punishment already by cannot see and touch my son. As a man, I admit my big mistakes to her already! I feels fully regret already. I ask for forgiveness already, I promise to her that I will never ever doing bad mistakes and broke her trust anymore, I doing everything already to regain her trust! But she wasting all my efforts! She is playing with my feeling by saying will give me chance after I cleared myself out! She gave me fake and empty hope. So i pull myself out and stopped! At least if someday Mica grown up, I can tell him what I did. I can tell Mica that his dad already trying to fix everything but his mom is wasting my efforts and playing with me. So im gonna give up..

*She looks confused, sad, and crying..*

P : Do you still love your wife after what you have done?

Me : Yes I do. I love her with all my heart.. It will and always! I've been fully regret with what I did to her. If I could turn back the time, even it cost my life, then I would.. GIving up didnt means I didnt love her, I just feel tired hurt myself as well.. and I feeling hurts when my efforts wasn't appreciated. Been there, done that! But I will always love her with all my heart and I keep saying sorry to her in my heart and my prays..

P : Im sure you were really miss Mica and your wife.. I can see from your eyes.. it looks empty! You miss them so bad.. (*she looks crying again)

Me : I miss my son for every second of my life.. I never felt this way, missing someone til my heart aches! It really hurt deep inside.. Almost every night Im crying missing my son. What I could do only looking at Mica's photos on my gallery.. No father in this world who is strong enough to bear the pain of missing his child. Its really unbearable for me..

P : Do you try to call Mica everyday? You can video call to him to heal your wound.. Or ask his mom to video call to you everyday if posisble. Or ask her to send Mica's picture for you at least once a day.. Im sure it will not bother her at all

Me : Yes, I do ask her already to send me Mica's picture as much as she can.. but you know what, Pao? I think she trying to separate me with Mica as well..

P : HAH ??!! What do you mean??

Me : Yes, you heard it right! I think she trying to separate me and Mica as well.. Do you know why? I ask her many times already to send Mica's pic as much as she can.. and she said YES, she will try to send Mica's pic as much as she can. But again, in reality she was fake again.. she only send like every 4 or 5 days or even 1 WEEK and only send 1 photos or videos. Do you think its called "AS MUCH AS SHE CAN" ? send pic every 4-5 days and only 1 ? After waiting for every 4-5 days I only got 1 pic or 1 short video.. She can HATE ME as much as she want but she have no rights to separate innocent child to his father, right??? Yes you are RIGHT! Even 1 photo per day it will not bother her at all.. But she just dont want! But she probably busy looking and impress some guys out there instead of sending me some of my Son's photos that I always wait like forever.. sending some pic's everyday not wasting even 1 minutes of her time. But this is about WANT or DONT WANT!

P : WHAATTTT?! REALLY?? Sorry bie.. but in my opinion, no matter how bad the father, every childs in this world is have FULLY RIGHTS to know his/her father! If she doing that, she is FORCEFULLY take Mica's RIGHTS to know you as his father.. she is doing a bad parenting system! How heartless she was.. She take Mica's rights as innocent child to know his father. Well, somehow I feel bad for you bie. You are right, She can hate you as much as she wanted to, but she have NO RIGHTS to force Mica to not to know his father.. Oh my God! Somehow, I got your point when before you said you have your own reason by doing some bad mistakes to her.. Well, I dont know but I got the point somehow! Its only you can feel it.. But it doesnt mean you were right! You are still WRONG by doing the FUCKING BAD THINGS! But I know at least you did a great job by fully regret it, apologizing, and trying to fix with her, even in the end she wasn't appreciate you, at least you try.. a gentleman's job! Standing ovation for you bie..!

P : . . . .

P : As a man and as a normal human being, its OK for you to make mistakes. Learn from it, take lessons from it, and promise for you life that you will never ever do it again. Even you ever failed as a man and as a husband to your loved ones, Im sure that you have fully regret now. But you never failed as a Daddy! Im sure you were being a Super Daddy for Mica! And Im sure, Mica is super love you and proud to you as his Father! You will be a good Dad for him, Im sure of that bie..!

Me : Bad Parenting Systems? Probably yes.. She is forcefully take Mica's right to know me as his father.. Well, if someday Mica grows up, I hope Mica didnt grown up with rage and questioning where is his Dad! Because He will understand when he grows up.. And someday I hope I could explain everything to him what was happened.. At least I have tried everything and its gonna be my reasons to Mica..

P : I feel sad for you bie.. Keep strong and be patients! God will never sleep.. If you feel fully regret and promise to never ever doing bad mistakes again for your life, im sure God will always listens to you and helps you.. keep believe it! Im Buddhist too like her.. so Im sure we belief about Karma. You get your bad Karma already by doing bad on the past. And if she is proven trying to separate Mica from his Daddy, Im sure too she will get Karma too for what she did.. For now you better stand up and keep walking for your life. And love yourself more than before.. Last time we met you look so fat than now.. Now you look losing weight! Remember you have to keep healthy.. Overthinking will make you sicks! Try to forgive yourself.. Try to accept yourself back.. Try to love yourself again.. What's DONE is DONE! you cannot turn back the time, but you can fix it and make it better.. But first forgive yourself and love yourself, so you can stand up and walking again.

Me : Yes I try to walks again.. and now I almost can running again hahaha! But the pain is still unbearable for me for missing my Son every second of my life.. it hurts so much for missing him!

If you were her, would you like to give me second chance for me to fix it? I just want to know from other people's perspective..

P : HAH? If I were her? You mean if this bad things happens to me? Hmmm.. Well, If I was her and this is happened to me, for sure I will very angry, mad, and sad as much as she did, or maybe more than she did. But after that I will heal myself first and think clearly for what I should do. But in my opinion, every people DESERVE a second chance! Especially if we have childs already. For sure in the end I will give you a second chance and let you prove yourself that you will never ever doing bad things again and broke my trust. Because for me second chance is LAST CHANCE! So if this happened again, NO MORE CHANCES for you for your life! But yeahh.. for me every people deserve a second chance! Especially when I see you were really regrets and I can see your efforts to fix everything! Its for me.. But every people's have different minds, so my opinion cannot be used as a standard! But for sure If I were her and I already said I will give you chance, then I would really give you chance and see you progress first.. I will waiting how much you can show and prove yourself to fix and be a better person than before! But for sure I will not looking for other guys while waiting HAHAHAHA.. because I will be honest and pure from heart when I said i will giving you chance.. No FAKE FAKE woyyy! Hahaha..

Me : Here we comes the sarcastic moments, hahaha... But thank you for your perspectives! I hope she could do as you said,, but yeah every people is different!

P : Then dont be too worry bie.. I hope she could opened her heart soon and not thinking only about herself, but about Mica as well.. Mica is still really too little for this! He needs both his Mummy and Daddy on his side. Dont let innocent child be victims from the selfishness of their parents.

Me : Well, I dont know about that.. I feel too tired and almost fully giving up..

P : You can rest a while bie.. And I know for now you were busy and tired with your business hahaha.. congrats anyway! Dont give up bie! Move forward!! I will joins and helps your business.. your coffee bottle is super yummy and your cornflakes is good, especially the peppersalt one! I like it.. No one's here using cornflakes as snacks, thats why I think it looks promising business.. Just dont give up and keep walking! Thats my note! Dont feeling down when sometimes your business is going down.. You need to have a strong mentality build when you working on personal business. Up and down on personal business is normal..

Me : Hahaha thanks! Yes it starting to grows.. I will working hard for it! Woyyy of course its good, it has secret recipes from starbucks hahaha.. Yes yes you have to helps me extent and expand my selling hahaha.. just kidding, Pao! But thank you, you boosted up my mood haha..

P : YEEESSSSSS!!! hahaha sure I will helps you as much as I can, dont worry! haha.. And I will promote it anywhere haha.. soon you will need to open mini factory, hahaha Ameeenn!!!

And dont worry, when I said AS MUCH AS I CAN, I will do and act in real, not only words or FAKE!! hahahahahahaha..

*we both laugh hard on this*

Me : LOL hahaha.. Here we comes again for another sarcastic moments, Hahahah! But Ameeennnn!! Thanks, Pao! I feel lightly after I confess to you all my stories.. wish me better and better OK?

P : Sure!!! Im sure you can..!

The time has passed, It's been 02:50am already. Then I sent her home and I back home as well. Thanks for listening to my vent, Pao! What a day!! Ready to work again tomorrow ^_^