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wavesoutbeingtossed · 6 months

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The whole discourse about the privacy/secrecy/support thing has been sitting with me for a few days (I mean other than it always does to a certain degree) thanks to all the excellent discussion happening and I know I'm not saying anything that hasn't been said a million times before, but I think what we're seeing and what we're going to learn (e.g. from TTPD) is that it wasn't just the support issue, but how it was shown/handled.

We've all gone out of our way to show that introversion =/= lack of support. Someone can be shy, reserved, etc. and still show up for their partner, whether in public or at home. To chalk any of the differences up to the clash between introversion and extroversion is unfair to folks who count themselves among either tbh.

@thisisctrying said something the other day that hit the nail on the head about how if that support had been offered in private, there very well may not have been a Joever to begin with, or at least not at this point in time. (Sorry for loosely paraphrasing, and for namedropping you! Long time listener, first time poster.)

If this were a case where the "shy" partner said, "I am really uncomfortable with the spotlight personally and do not want to court it, but I will support you in your ambitions and offer you whatever you need to make them happen and make the glare bearable," I suspect that would have gone a long way to making Taylor feel seen and comfortable in pursuing her goals in the way that she now has. Again, that might have been more akin to the balance that seemed to have been struck around 2019 from what we can see, but even speaking in a general sense, there are lots of couples out there, celebrity or not, that have similar approaches where there are highly driven people and busy careers involved.

(A famous example being Dolly Parton's marriage. Tbh I know next to nothing about her and Carl, but she's always heralded as an example in this regard, because her husband is famously uncomfortable with the spotlight and hasn't accompanied her to public events in decades, but she's said that she never minded that because that was always work to her, and what was important was that he supported her in pursuing all her career goals and basically ensured she had a place to call home to return to at the end of the day.)

We're kind of in a brave new world with her current relationship because it felt like, at least at the start, we were maybe watching her figure out her boundaries in real time as to what she was comfortable with or not and adjust accordingly. Like so many have said, I fully believe the extreme privacy thing was initially driven by herself and her experiences in 2016, and she needed that quiet time to recover from all of the things and figure out how to exist in the world again.

Stating the obvious, it seemed like eventually privacy was equated with secrecy, turning the relationship and the celebrity into the elephant in the room and something to never be spoken of to the outside world. People are free to choose whatever works best for themselves and their relationships, and for some the separate public lives might work, but the “kept me like a secret but I kept you like an oath” theme is all over her work and it’s clear that it’s a sore spot for her, because she’s been made to feel shame just for the life she leads so many times in the past.

What I’m trying to say is that it’s pretty obvious something Not Great was happening behind the scenes, which didn’t just amount to “she wanted to be a public celebrity and he wanted to be a private hermit.” (Also, in case anyone forgot, this is a person who also chose a public-facing career who also has to engage in press for it, but I digress.) As her career reached new heights post-folklore, if she had the support at home to do all the things without judgment and with encouragement, and in turn offer the same support to her partner, she may have very well lived just fine with that, not unlike Dolly Parton’s case.

By reading between the lines in all the press since, as well as comments on tour and general ~vibes~ with TTPD teasers, it seems like one of the issues was that that was likely not the case. There was all the stuff that we saw — the reticence to acknowledge each other in the media (particularly on one side), the lack of public support even at events at which they were both in attendance for their respective jobs, the great lengths they went to not to be photographed together at events they attended yet no problem taking pictures with other friends and coworkers, the jobs that separated them, the withdrawing from the public even for work accomplishments, etc. Which could all be manageable if a couple chooses to do so together and are not inherently a sign of trouble in themselves.

But what we’re seeing now I think is a reflection of the things we weren’t seeing then, and it seems to indicate some very deep hurt. (I know, call me Captain Obvious.) And like so many have been saying, it feels likely that that part of that hurt is rooted in that very lack of private support where a person would expect it from their partner. Obviously as a Taylor fan blog I’m going to be more inclined to understand her side of a story, but tbh, it’s also because… this is sooooooo common, and something I’ve experienced in my friend group. (@taylortruther is right when she says most breakups are the same one way or another lol.)

One partner is resentful of the other’s success, or resentful that the other’s priorities begin to evolve as new experiences unlock new goals, or feels the other’s ambitions are not worthy of pursuit, and coupled with perhaps their own struggles in the same domain, it’s easy to see where that can chip away at the other partner’s morale and faith in the relationship. I know I’m just speculating here, but I also don’t think it’s totally unfounded. (Again, because a) I’m picking up what she’s putting down and b) it happens to sooooooo many women even among us dull normals.)

With all the pointed mentions about how much Taylor feels supported in her current relationship and how she in turn loves to offer the same show of support to not only her partner but other loved ones, how she’s stepped out more in the last year to a whole host of events, how she’s mentioned feeling like she locked herself away for years and she’s just proud of her partner and happy she can show up for him even if the chaos around it is unsettling, it paints a picture of what perhaps was happening before last year.

To feel like you’re all alone in carrying the weight of the relationship (or burden of it), of twisting yourself into knots to accommodate the other person’s boundaries (or insecurities) but not feeling reciprocity for your own has to be so painful. (The idea that it may have been even darker and to have a partner not only be unreceptive to your own needs but even perhaps resentful/dismissive/belittling of them is even more painful to think of. I guess we’ll find out when TTPD comes out if that was the case, too.)

At a certain point, that lack of acknowledgement will force your hand to be able to reclaim yourself. And it feels like the further removed Taylor in particular is from it, the more she moves from being sad about the life she felt she gave up by leaving, to angry at the life she felt she was giving up by staying. Especially being in a relationship now where it seems like everything comes much easier, where she can be open about the person she’s with and show up for them, all the stuff that seemed as challenging as climbing Mount Everest in her past is nothing more than a molehill at best in her current life.

TL;DR: I don’t think it’s privacy that inherently spells doom for a celebrity relationship like this; it’s the mutual support and respect that does. If Taylor had felt that in the later years of her previous relationship, I think we could be seeing a different, though not necessarily unfulfilled, person right now in 2024, who’d be happy on tour but whose personal life would look a little different. But it seems like by losing that support she lost parts of herself, and we’ve seen her reclaim that in spades in the last year, and perhaps to degrees she didn’t even realize she could from before all the Bad Stuff started happening in her young adulthood.

I know this was extremely long-winded and unnecessary, especially about total strangers we only know through scraps fed through the media, but I just always bristle at this idea that issues like these boil down to “personality differences,” as though one person wants to live in a city and the other on a remote island, or some shit like that. The whole support (and gender tbh) issue is one that’s just very close to my heart because again, I have seen it play out with so many of my friends in long term relationships and marriages and I just think people in relationships (and women in particular in some circles) deserve better than to feel like they’re being, well, tolerated.

#thisisctrying and taylortruther sorry for tagging you two!#can remove if needed!#but you guys made me think a lot #this was inspired by a conversation i had with a friend the other day #where she relayed an argument she had with her partner #who basically felt slighted that he wasn’t getting acknowledgement for all the housework he does — which is. just. the dishes #and she was like ‘wow congrats you’ve done the dishes — i do every other fucking thing to keep this household afloat in ways you see #and don’t see and i never ask for praise because it’s just stuff that needs to get done because that’s how you support your family’#and it just reminded me that some partners (and a certain kind of man in particular) just… think their struggles take precedence #when their partners drown in them everyday but keep things afloat out of necessity and are never recognized or supported for it #(my friends have shitty husbands/boyfriends can you tell lol)#long post #again the way i just feel like i know the vibes of ttpd in my bones are 😵‍💫#i feel like i have a lot more thoughts but I’m trying to be more gracious and less parasocial so #also just want to again defend the introverts of the world by reiterating that being introverted does not mean unsupportive #being a shitty partner does though!#writing letters addressed to the fire #it’s also just like… i feel like if Taylor had had even a modicum of the support in private and even public she needed #she’d probably still be with you know who and wouldn’t have considered leaving let alone doing it #because it would have felt like enough and like it was what was needed for both of them #whereas we’re seeing a completely new side of her open up now because this is the first time she’s ever had that support from a partner #in her adult life at least #and it’s like it’s opening up things she didn’t know she needed or wanted

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skitskatdacat63 · 1 year

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And now my art has been reposted on tiktok, have I finally made it as a creator? 🥺 But like seriously my god, I didn't think I had to say but don't repost??????? I think I've been pretty safe from it cause I normally just draw AU art but ahh making relevant art, it's a dangerous game....I just yeah, don't necessarily know what to do about it, but yeah just don't please?

#i have so much sympathy for all the gifmakers on here getting reposted and i totally understand #but art?????? art now????????? you cannot even make the same 'its easy' argument as with gifs/clips #because i literally made that from my head 😭😭😭😭#sorry i just dont wanna sound like im saying 'your reposting woes arent as bad as mine!!' more just: i am aghast #its not okay even if you credit bcs bruh i dont want my art out there #it was for all my vettonso fuckers on here 🥺#i just dont understand it like not even asking at all just crediting #wow thanks. that makes it so much better. wow.#ITS MY SHIP ART I DO NOT WANT THAT ON TIKTOK!!!! even if it was just normal art!!! no thank you!!!!!!#and being credited is almost worse bcs bruh the 'skitskatdacat63 from tumblr' THIS IS MY SAFE PRIVATE SPACE OKAY #thank you to grace for telling me <3 i really appreciate it #ugh i wanna make like a direct callout but i hate confrontation(thank you for the support tho cofi lmao)#but i will complain!#it just really sucks that i have to say this #its also really not any of you guys. i trust all my friends 100% 🥺 so i hate that i have to say this yknow #but UGHHHHHH PISSES MW OFF SO MUCH #and also. it was a shitpost 😭 pick better art to repost(joke)#but the way my heart dropped when i saw 😭 im like. is nothing sacred anymore?#catie.rambling.txt

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aibouart · 3 months

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i drew a streamer i started watching recently who was playing LN1~

their name is obakechan !

#my art #art q #cell shading #chibi #misc bg #little nightmares #fanart #in other news i am slowly recovering from the whole like #being possessive of my art and artstyle #after the whole bunsong youtube series of unfortunate events plus dailycelebi #so if you wanted to ask how i do any certain things i am very likely to share now..!#i still say dont heavy ref my art and post it #like u can do that to learn privately #but otherwise idk i am overcoming it #oh and dont heavy reference my commission work ofc thats for the paying customer #anyways this took me like 20 or 30 mins #actually i can check #yeah 21 mins #i should stream little nightmares again #also i recognise my possessiveness of my art was partly cuz like i was not at all used to being seen outside my friends anyways #and my art is a big part of my identity #so seeing someone copy it as best as they could was very unsettling at the time #but after a lot of introspection and breaking down why i felt that way i started to recover after realising that like #people doing that arent stripping me of my identity and wearing it right #they just liked my art #except the users who traced or heavy reffed my shit and didnt credit me nor ask and then sold it those guys dont count #but yeah im still figuring it all out internally #actually making those bases really helped !!

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uncanny-tranny · 2 years

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Stealth doesn’t help the trans community. I'm not saying we have to be an activist, wear a t-shirt announcing our trans status, but we have an obligation to help advance the human rights of the trans community we belong to

These viewpoints, while I can appreciate them, tend not to recognize the full scope of why people are stealth in the first place.

If stealth is not right for you, don't be stealth. However, not recognizing the nuances of stealth doesn't help trans people either. You can be an advocate for trans people without being out because you don't need to be out to help the trans community. Additionally, nobody is obligated to know one's trans status. I'm pretty stealth in my real life because I owe nobody that information about my identity. And I do my best to make trans folks one of my primary interests in my life. These two things coexist in my life, and that's why these viewpoints are generally confusing to me. You don't need to be out - or let anybody know about your transness - in order to advance trans rights. Hell, you don't even need to be trans to do that.

Nobody should ever be obligated to be stealth. The expectation that trans people fade away in society is wholly asinine. However, that doesn't mean that stealth inherently is problematic. Stealth is not inherently adverse to trans rights.

#ask #anon #trans #transgender #lgbt #lgbtq #ftm #mtf #nonbinary #i bring up myself because i think it's a relevant example #because i just happen to be stealth. it's pretty nuanced as to why i am but i am also a severely private person #and i don't share my personal information. but i will do my best to advocate for trans people in my real life #i have conversations with cis people all the time about transness for instance #that's what i mean #i can appreciate moving away from stealth as a requirement to living a trans life #i think it's incredibly reductionist to EXPECT that from us #but i also think it's reductionist to say that stealth is inherently bad #some of us (like myself) don't think anybody will be entitled to that part of us #it feels like people think 'if you're stealth you don't WANT us to have rights' and maybe that isn't what anon is saying...#...but people really lose the nuance into stealth and what it is and why people are stealth so that it's easier to sort you feel?#like people assume why we're stealth when it's like... the assumptions are either wrong or sorely lacking as to the reason #i really don't know why this is being asked of me though #i think this is the third or fourth ask about this topic with the same(ish) responses to the whole Stealth Thing #so i'm trying not to assume what anon is trying to say but i also want to recognize that i really don't agree #like what do you propose to somebody like me who already does work with trans rights and who is stealth irl?#do i just come out even though NOBODY in my life needs (or even deserves) to know?#that's what i'm talking about with this topic

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sergle · 11 months

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hey ! just wanted to jump in and let you know jacksfilms moderations have kindly asked not to spread around images/videos of sniperwolf outside of his home ! they've asked so for privacy reasons (even if it's censored)

yo!! I don't wanna violate anyone's privacy by circulating sensitive info / stuff being saved for legal reasons, obv that's why I used a screenshot where almost everything is censored except her caption and username- but I checked on his twitter to see if he posted/liked any statements about asking ppl to delete posts w that pic, and the video he posted a couple hours ago also shows another censored version of that same screenshot of the front of his house. so I'm not sure where that info is from? that said, if it is true then I can delete the post where the censored screenshot is posted but. like. since this is tumblr, the post and the imbedded images are still going to exist on ppl's reblogs of it, even if I deleted it all wholesale. it's not like on twit where if you QRT something, and it's deleted later, the tweet you quoted turns into a dead link while your comment still remains.

#I know the footage from his stream when the events were happening In Real Time has been pulled #to potentially be used later if he takes legal action and he's asked people not to post clips from it #but the (censored) pic of the street he lives on is also featured in his own vid. so I'm not sure why that's something #that is meant to be not circulated?#like there could be a post I missed but I mean. if jack put the screenshot in his own video I don't think he wants it Private.#but yeah if I deleted the post it would just mean you can't view it on my blog but you'd be able to see the post #in full on anyone else's blog who also reblogged it #sergle answers

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guinevereslancelot · 13 days

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applied to a bunch of jobs! 😅🙏

#took me three days bc i really wanted my dad's input on my resume and he took a while to get back to me #but i reallyyyy wanted to have applications in my monday morning and now i do :)#also feeling much better aboutbthe whole thing now that i have stuff to be excited about #still really really sad abt leaving the kids at my current job tho #but i drove by some of the places i applied today and researched them and im really optimistic about some of them #i even heard back from one already which i was not expecting at all #she literally emailed me like half an hour after getting my application and started asking me questions #like a pre interview #so thats nice #we went back and forth a couple of times #its not my top top choice but that place isnt officially hiring and might take forever to back back to me #this place is a smaller home daycare type place and urgently hiring but the pay is super good and a home daycare environment might be nice #and the pay is pretty decent esp compared to what im making now #the top top place is a fancy pants private school that going to be way more thorough abt references and background check #so they'll take longer to get back to me #but i found out after applying that my friend's mom works there 🤯#so she's gonna ask her to put in a good word for me :)#but they're not officially hiring according to their website it just says they encourage people to inquire so i did #so p unlikely i would get that one but you never know #anyway!!!!#finally excited abt things and not just filled with dread and sadness abt leaving the current place and kids #still makes me sad but im not on the verge of tears thinking abt it anymore lol #this has been a shitpost

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hella1975 · 1 year

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the closest ill ever get to being a pick me girl is the joy that fills me when the chefs at work so clearly favouritise me. like im there nicely cleaned up in my smart-casual uniform just a 20 year old waitress smiling my customer service smile and behind me spawns Scary Dog Privilege 10x in the form of several burly middle-aged chefs at least three of which have criminal records and would all stick a bread knife in someone for bothering me

#like it's really funny bc i worked HARD with back of house bc i knew my job would be significantly easier if they liked me #(it speeds your orders through. you can ask for things without being told to fuck off during a rush. they'll get you food on shift etc)#and also there's a stereotype especially in fancier places where floor staff look down on kitchen staff and i think that's shitty #so i was always going to be try with them and be nice but ALSO when i first started my job it was in a peak era so while these days #we're struggling a lot and have had to employ a lot of college kids that dont know what they're doing #when i joined it was all private school girls that would swan about the place very snootily. so the divide between front and back of hosue #was INTENSE when i joined. and there i was a little state school girlie and the chefs immediately recognised that #and took me under their wing. so even though the class angle doesnt exist so much anymore and theres majority state schoolers #im still very much in with the chefs in a way not many of the other floor staff are. and there's also the fact im not scared of them #like chefs ARE rude and a lot of them DONT like or even respect floor staff but i will GLADLY tell them to fuck off if i think it necessary #and that's a language they understand like ironically there's one chef that doesnt get on with ANY of the waitresses #(i talked about him on another post he's the soup one) but he likes me bc when he tried that rude dismissive act i told him to shove it #and now the other waitresses literally SEND ME TO TALK TO HIM when they have questions/want something bc they know he'll listen to me #and me and the head chef are besties and the one kp will talk OVER THE OTHER WAITRESSES' heads and completely blank them #so she can talk to me and it's all just really funny bc the kitchen staff LOVE me and that's not even me being arrogant #it's like a known thing at work that they love me and im just. a 20 year old 5'2 waitress with my little pearl necklace and blouse #and some tattooed ginger mohawked 6ft chef is there getting angry for me when i come in complaining about a table #or the kp that is literally on probation will give me a sticky toffee pudding and tell everyone to leave me the fuck alone LMAO #hella slaves to capitalism

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quietlyblooms · 1 month

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PREFERENCES — SEXY SUNDAY EDITION. explicit below the cut. feel free to steal & repost for your own muse(s) .

bold = yes

bold + italics = favorite

italics = maybe or partner dependent

nothing = no strong opinion

striked = never

INTEREST!

submissive / dominant / prefers to top / prefers to bottom ( at the beginning ) / likes to switch / heterosexual / gay / lesbian / bisexual / pansexual / asexual / demisexual / enjoys sex with men / enjoys sex with women / enjoys sex with genderfluid , agender , demigender , or non binary individuals / enjoys sex with all genders regardless of identity / enjoys sex with multiple people at a time ( only if she's in a closed poly relationship ) / enjoys intimacy with women / enjoys intimacy with men / enjoys intimacy with genderfluid, agender, demigender, or non binary individuals / enjoys intimacy with all genders regardless of gender / initiates / waits for partner to initiate / spits / swallows / morning sex / night sex / sex any time / no sex drive / low sex drive / average sex drive / high sex drive / hypersexual / fluctuating sex drive

BODY & APPEARANCE.

slender build / medium build / athletic build / muscular build / curvy build / voluptuous / chubby build / wears boxers / wears boxer briefs / wears lingerie / goes commando / shaves / trims / waxes / goes natural / naturally smooth / cup size a b c / cup size d-f/ 1-5” in length / 6-9” in length / 10” or over in length

SOUNDS.

silent / quiet ( tries to be at first out of shyness ) / loud / grows in volume over time / bites hand / bites partner / bites pillow to muffle self / calls out partners name / curses / fakes / exaggerates / prefers a quiet partner / prefers a loud partner / prefers a partner who grows in volume over time / turned on by dirty talk!!! / turned off by dirty talk

TURN-ONS & KINKS.

having their hands pinned / pinning partner’s hands / having own hair pulled / pulling partner’s hair / being watched ( by their partner ) / being watched ( by a third party ) / watching their partner / receiving oral / giving oral / giving praise / receiving praise / biting or marking / being bitten or marked / spanking / being spanked / teasing / being teased / having toys used on them / using toys on their partner / giving anal / receiving anal / choking / being choked / giving vaginal / receiving vaginal / being tied up / tying partner up / being worshipped / worshipping partner / humiliating / being humiliated / degrading / being degraded / knife play / blood play / being pegged / pegging partner / partner wearing lingerie / wearing lingerie / whipping / being whipped / roleplay ( would depend on the scenario but she'd try ) / titfucking / cockwarming

PLACES.

bedroom / shower / bath / pool / ocean / kitchen / home bathroom / public restroom / car / tent / alleyway / field / forest / university / empty or abandoned building / library / rooftop / terrace / dressing room / elevator / parking lot / museum / cemetery / beach / closet / hospital

#the places section has changed in that chiyo can be coaxed into shenanigans in semi-private places now and it does add some thrill #but if it's too exposed/too public then absolutely not she'll die asdfg #also what did i say!! about so many turn-ons being bold or italicized!! omg #i will point out that chiyo's a lil more hesitant to inflict physical harm on her partner but she can get to that point if they want it #it just takes time bc she's afraid of actually hurting them asdf #but biting her?? bruising her with some manhandling?? absolutely go right ahead asdf #honestly i could elaborate more so if anyone wants that maybe send an ask or i'll ramble in the tags forever :' ))#i sit before flowers & hope they will train me in the art of opening up | headcanons #shield your eyes | nsft #tw suggestive #thank you again to vee for the preferences post <3 i didn't have it in me to search for one :' ))

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slocumjoe · 7 months

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maybe it's the cough cough relatability I find in the concept but ppl do not explore/think about danse and substance abuse enough

#something something staring at a bottle and knowing that it could make you better (by knowing i mean deluding yourself into that idea)#out of desperation to not be the person you are. to be fun and relaxed and friendly and not feel this way anymore #but also privately and almost subconsciously wanting the problem because its a nameable one. its one you can blame #someone asks whats wrong with you and you can point at it. you can say you can fix it #as you stand - as yourself unchanged and untouched - there is no excuse. its just you #but theres this thing that can either fix you or maybe allow yourself some kind of sympathy #at the same time you can hate yourself more and have a better reason for it #and danse finds out hes not who he thought he was and he desperately wants to be someone else. someone he has a choice over #idk.#im fine btw haha

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catofoldstones · 3 months

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hi again

the jonsa heir theory is something ive been going back and forth on, one hand it goes with the bittersweet ending and reversal jonnel/sansa I parallels at the same time sansa's inheritance only being valid by a heir feels a bit like cheating, elizabeth the first type ending also struck my mind for her,what are your thoughts?

I genuinely don’t think Sansa’s inheritance will be valid only if she produces an heir. I think it has more to do with the fact that she’s the oldest Stark. Sure fertility plays a role in succession but I don’t feel like she’ll need to produce an heir by the age of 14 to be declared the lady of Winterfell. “Winterfell belongs to my sister Sansa” regardless of whether she has babies or not. On top of that, how is George going to present a 14 year old child bride having a child herself in a good light. It goes directly against what he tried to show with Dany. It’s the same thing as Bran though. How is he going to present a good 11 year old king when he tried to do the opposite with Joffrey. I still bite my teeth over why George had to scrap the five year gap.

I, too, like an Elizabeth I type of ending. A will set aside. Someone deposed someone and then themselves died to make Elizabeth the last Tudor monarch. I will take that over 14 year old Sansa having a baby.

#stumpy looking at me like: this idiot knows nothing 🫢#also anon hope it’s ok I posted this #you asked me for my views and idk how else I could’ve shared them with you #lemme know if you want me to delete this or private this xx #anon asks t #jonsa heir theory #qitn sansa #sansa stark #asoiaf #also anon cutie pls share your thoughts on this more i wanna hear more #I will not post them if you’d like #I just want to know more about people’s thoughts on this #people who are not this anon can also share pls thnk u #jonsa

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boxwinebaddie · 2 months

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miss ninaaa why did u delete the kyley b origin story jewelery ask, i was IN LOVE with ittt

Anonymous asked:

wha happened to the kyley b post i miss iy already nina :(

AAAAAAAAH. :'( </3

so when i went to bed last night, i saw this first anon and already felt bad, but now that this second one has come in, i just want to say...

...that i am so, SO sorry, my loves.

and to quote every bad movie breakup scene ever:

it's not you, it's me.

( and specifically my very fucked up brain. )

HERE is the link to the kyley b (jew)elery origin post.

i plucked it out of the lost and pound just for you.

i'm...sorry, i deleted it.

**and heavily edited it; it was bugging me.

the short version of my answer is that i developed a very poor coping mechanism for stress/perceived inferiority where even though i love my ncu content, i convince myself that it's bad and i hate it, to the point where i 'make it disappear' so that it's no longer an eyesore.

the very long, personal mental health uncle nina psychological eval with a lowk frightening beginning and hopeful ( i think? ) end is below. tw for depressing thoughts and mentally-ill framing.

I Hope You Heal. <3

because, unfortunately, as a bipolar two girlie, i am extremely prone to spells and spirals of depression ( especially in the summertime ), which, when combined with my already self-confidence cannibalizing anxiety disorder creates a very toxic, negative, medieval torture chamber of a headspace which makes makes my brain…

Very Unwell.

in essence, because of how frighteningly fragile i become, even tiniest inkling of doubt in my mind can poison the entire inkwell...and when that happens, even though i know, deep down, in a healthy, reasonable place, that the content i curate is well-composed, well-received writing that i am passionate about and should be proud of...the cracks and fissures that form in my heart and pysche from the broiler room of pressure i put on myself to preform create several vulnerable visceral openings for My Imposter Syndrome to worm into.

but instead of whispering sweet, sweet nothings, it's doomsay screaming awful, awful Everythings! that this thing you wrote that you love? not good enough. Everyone Is Going To Hate That. the people who liked that post? they just feel sorry for you and if you had any remorse, you would feel sorry for subjecting them to something so underwhelming, stupid, embarrassing and beneath them.

You Should Delete It.

[ DELETE. ] IT.

...aaaaand because the sirens are going off in my head, i feel like the walls are closing in, i frantically press the panic button ( delete post ) and think that i am doing everyone a favor bc not only are you no longer having to read what my extremely overloaded and anxiety corroded brain has classified as "EMBARRASSINGLY BAD" work, but i no longer have to feel ashamed bc it's

Gone.

or well...Privated. ( in this case. )

because i DO work so hard on everything i post that even when i think that it is extremely underwhelming no matter what i do, it is Hard for me to delete it because of the brain-power, intensive-typing and heart that went into making them...so like...it's a strange thing because i know that it's just an echo-chamber of evil lies and untruths, but when i'm rocking back and forth, with my chest eating my knees, and my entire education degree goes out the window when i can't teach myself how to breathe because of how bad i feel...

it's hard.

but...like i tell my kindergarteners everyday.

You Can Do HARD Things.

life is not easy, but it is worth it.

loving yourself is not easy...

But YOU Are Worth It.

unfortunately, i am a better at preaching than practicing. but a large part of my irl job is modelling good behavior and on here, i was deeply moved and touched to find that so many of you think so highly of me, so i also want to model good behavior on here.

which hinges on honesty...and hope.

so, basically, i did delete my post, which is made me feel good in the moment, but overall is not kind to myself ( or to the people who enjoyed reading the thing i randomly killed with knives and hammers because it wasn't 'Perfect' ) and i do not like modelling avoidant behavior, but it is also important to show you that i struggle, that it is okay to feel strange and sad, but that i am working on...not deleting my posts because i am a perfectionist/scared of letting you all down.

which...was clearly not the case? Wowza.

i really did not realize so many people cared about that, aha! but please feel free to ask me anything about kyley b kyle ( i have been trying to generate my thoughts and form some hcs actually! i love him being a sardonic, smart alecky delinquent boy in giant ed hardy jeans and a million different street fighter gta rings on his fingers )

also feel free to ask me anything, flashback related, random hc related, personal or otherwise! i know i've got a ton in the box, but i promise that just because i'm going through a lot and posting sporadically, doesn't mean you have be a stranger...

Just Be Gentle.

with me and as always,

with yourselves.

-uncle nina, doing her best <3

#hi friends #sorry for privating the kyley b post #i am currently having a menty b #rip #but we are working on it #also if i delete enough post if you would like it back all i ask is you ask me nicely so i dont feel too badly about it #it is something that i struggle a lot with #and it is why i am scared to post on ao3 #sorry for being on my soap box #also i am so glad you liked that post i just thought the way it was written was really weird so i deleted like half of it #i get really weird about dialogue and pacing but there u go also pls ask me any kyley b things u want #or flashback stuff random stuff plot stuff idk #i want to try and write again #keyword try

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