#(i may or not be projecting more trauma from specific incidents in my life onto Zoe again)

[bratty-telepath]

*I'm back with more thoughts, this time about my Lovely(GN), Sam and their responses to trauma as I've personally put it around in my head (also a reason for me to talk about how I've written Lovely).

So there's no denying that Sam and Lovely have very similar parallels and contrasts involving their respective turning and I think there is room for an interesting thought experiment in the idea of how people internalise and externalise their trauma especially those with trauma of similar happenings(because no one responds to trauma–even if similar trauma–the same way).

In Sam's case, we know how he has adressed his trauma, he has cut off all interactions with Alexis(his former sneaky link) and has chosen to pretty much exist in defiance of and within the limits of his circumstances. Basically, he views his turning as a bad thing due to the loss of his abilities' innate potential as well as the circumstances surrounding the turning (ie. Alexis turning him regardless of his denial).

Tldr; Sam has repressed and unresolved trauma from that night

Lovely on the othe hand is an interesting case because we are made to project onto Lovely how they feel about being turned as they don't present negative feelings about visibly. While this has brought us a lot of angst, I wanna introduce a concept:

Lovely isn't as upset as Sam is about their turning.

Hear me out and remember this is just my variation of things, you don't have to agree with it, but I am personally interested in the dynamic this presents. To better illustrate my point, I'll set the stage and use Sam and my Lovely, Logan Varney.

*To get you up to speed, Logan is a Navajo ex-foster kid and college dropout that pretty much was going around getting odd jobs in Dahlia before wandering into Wonderworld and meeting Vincent which leads us into the current canon of things.

Now imagine with me if you will, a scenario in which Sam approaches Logan and attempts to talk to them of his own volition, about their turning and how he presumes they must feel about it, however he comes to learn that Logan isn't as upset about it as he had initially assumed. Instead, Logan views it in the same light of a videogame's reset function–sure, they have to start over with their progress in electro magic and may never get the same results they once did in their previous try at their life but they still have a chance to go about learning magic even if it looks different for them as a vampire

Now, we cannot deny that there are two very different backgrounds to consider in this little clash of trauma responses. Sam is coming at their turning from the perspective of an assumably magic-born freelancer background with the mindset that Lovely is experiencing a major loss after working incredibly hard, whilst Logan is taking it from the perspective of a latent electro energeric who is so used to turbulent change that this is simply just another step back that they can overcome. They also have never had the length of experience they do with their magic that Sam has and as such have chosen to view it otherwise as they don't see loss but an alternative route. One also can't deny that Lovely sees a therapist whilst Sam does not (to our knowledge anyways).

This also opens for me to talk about the mental process I've basically theorised in Sam's approach to his view of trauma, in which it mirrors Stephen Strange from the MCU. When I say that, I should be specific and say that it falls under the idea of a "fall from grace". Both Sam and Stephen are at the height of their prime before tragedy strikes (coincidentally a car crash) and leaves them both unable to perform as they're accustomed to. Additionally, they mourn the incident in a way that moreso derives sadness from the percieved outlook of the loss of their former capabilities (Sam being coded as a disabled man really coming in clutch here). Meaning that the biggest gripe they have in their shared view of their circumstances is that they will both never be the same (which is valid).

Where am I going with this?

Well, welcome to my agenda of "Everyone with similar traumas to Sam is going to be a narrative parallel that will make him face an aspect of his trauma" aka "Sam gets therapy"; Logan's role in that is the facet of accepting the lingering effects of said trauma.

Here, lovely challenges the notion that Sam hasn't addressed how he views the outcome of that night. They've had support and chances to understand how the inversion has affected them which has allowed them to comprehend their feelings about their turning and their circumstances so they know what they're specifically sad about and how they've come to counteract that sadness by seeing their vampirism not as a curse but as a different way they now have to live.

Sam has not done that. Thus, this is a foreign concept because he's held in almost three decades of resentment for the way he now lives, meanwhile Lovely is vibing and processing their experience.

The most important part of it, is that Lovely's reaction now places Sam in the position to recognize that he's unwittingly projected his feelings about his turning onto them, seeking validation from them through someone who doesn't feel that. There's of course nothing wrong with that and I intend to emphasize that people do that regardless of intention to or not, but the absolute best part of this perspective I wish to explore in my current WIP is that Lovely takes it so casually that Sam now has to understand that despite their similar circumstances, Logan doesn't feel the same about their turning and its effects which now makes him consider the way he addresses his trauma*.

*As is normal for people, we challenge our own thoughts and ideas when we get new information, in some cases that means we change our mind about previous subjects and in other cases, we don't. Depends

Frankly I'm excited to finally get done with this WIP especially since this is Logan's first proper fic that I'm doing for them but it's also just interesting to explore how they feel about their turning outside of the normal view of it.

Anyways, laters ✌️

[mallowstep]

I just thought about this

Do you think the Clan cats might ever have some form of PTSD from eather witnessing another cats death in any form like in battle or another disaster or even killing another cat themselves

I really do want to expand on this

okay matthew from the end of this post here it turns out i have a lot of thoughts and talked for like, almost 2k words about this. sorry. there's a tldr at the end.

hmmmmm

my official answer is, "sure, anything is possible, especially if you want to explore that."

my more rambly answer is...kind of.

we're just going to jump straight in with serious cat talk here, but cats? those mofos are killing machines. they are highly efficient hunters. kind of like people and creating things.

on the other hand, cats are also huge cowards who don't like to fight. hence cat and mouse: the cat doesn't want to go in for the kill unless they're sure they can execute it.

i like to think of them as a very krav maga idea: "we don't fight unless we absolutely have to, but once we go in, we go all in."

so...on one hand, "do cats experience ptsd from killing each other?" feels kind of like asking, "do humans experience ptsd from making things?", and yet, that's clearly extremely reductive.

it's also worth talking about what ptsd is. it's easy to think of ptsd as equivalent to trauma, but it's not.

trauma is, well, traumatic events, ptsd is one possible response. most people who experience trauma do not develop ptsd.

(there's also c-ptsd, but i'm getting to that.)

ptsd is, basically, an overactive adrenaline response, basically. it can look similar to depression and anxiety, but it's not the same. things like flashbacks and triggers are not exclusive to ptsd, or even any specific mental illness. it's normal to experience ptsd-like symptoms after a traumatic event. that's a traumatic response.

ptsd is, instead, the unhealthy extension of that, in time, and possibly severity.

before i go any farther, i just want to say, this is not to say you need to have ptsd to have trauma, that you can't have ptsd/trauma if XYZ, etc., so please, give me the benefit of the doubt here. it's always tricky to word these things in a way that is both clear about what i mean and not harming people.

mental illness is always a tricky subject. trying to fit a sum of many symptoms into boxes will never work, but i am going to lean on it as a tool to categorize and discuss experiences in a general sense.

i also want to mention c-ptsd, or "complex post-traumatic stress disorder." this is a debated diagnosis, in that where it fits into mental illness boxes is argued and it's yet to be included in the dsm, but for now, it's sufficient to think of it as ptsd's fraternal twin.

c-ptsd develops when trauma is prolonged, and there's little/no chance of escape. think kidnappings and child abuse.

it shares a lot of symptoms with ptsd, but it has its own unique cluster of symptoms, especially surrounding relationship issues.

right. we can rule that off for things cats typically experience from battle. but i still want to talk about it.

but ptsd is in reference to human reactions to trauma, which is fine! all warrior cats are at least a little anthropomorphised, or it wouldn't be fun to read about.

okay, before i lose the thread, circling back to my point, the conditions for ptsd are a prolonged response to a traumatic event. i, personally, don't think that your everyday warrior is going to experience this. some amount of battle is normal for cats, yeah?

but i do think ptsd/ptsd-like conditions are quite possible. i'm going to move into a discussion of various characters, now, and i'll put that under a read more.

okay, let's examine a few different cats, starting with mudfur.

why mudfur? because he chooses to be a medicine cat specifically because the battles of being a warrior are too much for him. does this mean he's experiencing ptsd? no, i don't think so. we never see any indication of him having flashbacks or hypervigilance. mind, i have

okay sorry you uh

i took a break to read mothwing's secret

see i've been putting it off bc i knew it was going to make me feel things and lord it did

phew

well i was going to talk about mothwing but first, back to mudfur

i can now confirm that we don't see any evidence of ptsd in him. trauma, maybe, but not ptsd.

which...checks.

next cat, ivypool.

but my ivypool, not canon ivypool, because i gave ivypool ptsd.

if you haven't read it, hedera helix is my canon compliant ivypool series, and you can get the Deets there, but i think "fair is the night" is the piece to focus on here. specifically,

The dark is the same, and the heat, and the way she slinks through the shadows, trying not to take notice. The way every pawstep is echoingly loud, and how she can't catch her breath or find her thoughts over the noise. All that's missing is.

Him.

Maybe Ivypool does still dream.

She hisses, her belt bristling, tail lashing, and raises her paw, claws extended.

what's going on here is that she mistakes tigerheart for hawkfrost.

yes, she has ptsd.

she also has c-ptsd in my writing, but i don't want to talk about this at the moment, because ivypool is complex, and i don't feel like bringing dovewing into this. but no, this is her having ptsd from her (dark forest) mentor trying to kill her. a cat she, at least on some level, trusted turning on her and attempting to kill her.

so for ivypool, it's the unexpected that traumatizes her.

which i think makes sense: cats don't generally expect to be attacked by those they trust. which leads me into...

character three: bluestar.

now, bluestar is complex because of the dementia, but i think it's pretty easy to say: tigerclaw (a cat she trusts) betrays her, she gets hypervigilant and stops trusting people.

i'm deliberately going short on this because i'm at almost a thousand words and uh,, i just want to talk about mothwing.

mothwing. my baby. my beloved. my beautiful.

fuuuuck okay so i should not have read mothwing's secret because this is going to turn into me writing mostly about that, but i actually knew 90% of what was contained in it through moonkitti videos + doing research for various mothwing related projects.

i think the only thing i learned was the moonkitti scene about bees is actually completely canonical, as written, and that it was possible for me to love mothwing more than i already do.

usually, i'd want to also talk about willowshine, but i'm going to keep my focus on mothwing. willow my love is going to come up, but i'm keeping my focus tight.

mothwing! onto my purpose: mothwing and c-ptsd and religious trauma.

she will get her own essay i have a document titled "mothwing and religious trauma" but with trope-bingo i've been writing the essays less, so bear with me.

anyway. i'm not waffling, i'm just trying to set up a good starting point so i don't ramble past the purpose. and i think...the scene with mudfur and mothwing near the end is what i'm honing in on. (spoilers, duh, but also, you don't need to have read it.)

so mudfur comes to mothwing after the battle, and she turns him away. he doesn't understand, but i do.

religion has been used against mothwing her entire life. her clan used it (inadvertently) to keep her from her purpose, hawkfrost used it to maintain his control over her, and mistystar used it to again keep her from her purpose and passion. (and yes, i have strong feelings about what this does to willowshine, but i'm trying to stay on-topic.)

and then, the first tangible proof she has of starclan is the dark forest. and her brother. attacking the nursery. and her.

and then mudfur has the audacity to say, "yeah sorry we don't know anything! but like why are you still rejecting us?"

(makes me want to rewrite the ending of "if you love me any, let me know it now" actually, i'm angry. not going to, but i want to.)

adfskjl mothwing is my new purpose for existing. i may actually consider changing my blog title from "in this house we lovewing dovewing" to something mothwing themed. i love her. expect a mothwing focus sometime soon-ish.

right, so, i don't think mothwing's perspective needs to be explained here. but...she is very self-aware of her position. she struggles with it. she doesn't want to talk to willowshine about her beliefs — she's grateful when willowpaw just accepts it and doesn't discuss it with her.

mothwing as a character has always been appealing to me. but. again, trying to keep focused, her brother is manipulative and cruel.

(i'm not saying abusive because i don't know if he really is. i'd want to do a proper analysis for that, not just ramble in a blank document for a while. he's toxic, but i try to reserve abusive for abusive characters. i think he is, but i don't know how i would defend that, ergo, i'm avoiding it for now.)

just. her whole life.

she spends a long time trusting others, looking to starclan for answer and salvation, and it keeps letting her down, and others keep using it against her, like a weapon. there's a lot to mothwing, but i'm really trying to stay on topic.

before i get to my closing arguments, some honorable mentions for characters i didn't talk about, but could have:

squirrelflight

feathertail, stormfur, and mistyfoot

dovewing

briarlight. okay she's such a good honorable mention i just have to explore this for a second, but the scene in bramblestar's storm where she's afraid of falling trees is good. i don't know, she seems fairly functional, but she's definitely not "over it."

anyone captured by twolegs.

tawnypelt

bramblestar. before you gasp, he too trained in the dark forest and was manipulated by hawkfrost and tigerstar.

probably a lot more.

so anyway, if you hung around for nearly 2k words to listen to me talk about cat trauma, here's my closing statement:

i think ptsd in clan cats is definitely going to be a thing, but i think, more often than not, it's not going to come from the battle. we looked at several examples where the incident happened during a battle, but i think it's the betrayal that's more shocking than the actual fighting.

i didn't address ptsd from cats killing each other, other than mudfur, and that's...frankly that's because i don't know. it is very hard for me to sympathize with those characters long enough to think critically about it.

like, i can write villain pov, but i don't think i can actually say, "what if XYZ feels bad for killing someone?" even if i was going to write about like, firestar killing scourge, i don't think i could.

not in this context, anyway.

similarly, i think a lot of what we'll see is trauma. cats are already extremely vigilant, and while it's possible to get hypervigilant cats, i'm not sure how often it's going to come out. cats are good at hiding physical pain, ipso facto, i imagine they're good at hiding emotional pain.

which isn't to say that they...you know what? you know what? if you want to come argue with me about human ptsd, you can do that on my main. but i'm talking about cats, and i say that they probably don't experience ptsd because they probably shove away a lot of the external symptoms, and that's mostly how we identify ptsd. this is not an end-all be-all, nor does it apply to people, but i don't know how to begin couching this, and i'm tired.

alright, well...

tl/dr: yes, trauma and maybe ptsd occur in clan cats, but i think it's more likely to be from betrayal than fighting.

dkjl this was a lot if u have follow up qs or just wanna discuss this my ask box is open! <3

[lhs3020b]

The Wooden Spaceships, by Bob Shaw

The Wooden Spaceships is the sequel to the first Land/Overland novel, The Ragged Astronauts. It's set about a generation after the ptertha-driven migration from Land; civilisation on Overland is at least stable now, if not entirely-comfortable. Unfortunately "comfortable" isn't what Toller Maraquine is looking for in his older years. Apaprently he hasn't learned any lessons about getting what you wished for, because bad news arrives on Overland in the form of an airship from Land! That's right, apparently there are survivors on Land, and they're not very happy with their neighbours.

My thoughts are under the cut...

TWS is a bit of an odd book. It's really two main stories, somewhat awkwardly joined together. There's the plot with the attempted invasion by the New Men - briefly, the children of people who proved to be unusually-resistant to pterthacosis, who apparently are either immune or are tolerant enough to the disease that they've managed to live to adulthood. The New Men, sadly, have learnt nothing from their parents' folly and may actually be worse people; their survival seems to have convinced them that they represent a sort of superman who are destined to rule the universe. I suppose a more-sympathetic interpretation might be that they're the products of a collectively-traumatised society, and are dealing with said trauma by projecting all their negative feelings onto imagined enemies on Overland. That said, regardless of interpretation, their actions are not sympathetic and King Rassamarden is clearly a psychotic nutjob.

Also, it's worth noting that they are the New _Men_. While presumably New Women must exist, we never see any. This was an interesting ellision given that TWS is generally a step up relative to TRA for gender stuff. TWS is still quite bad, don't get me wrong, but there has been some improvement. Berise is a plot-relevant female character who actually gets to do stuff, the Kolcorronian king's key adviser is actually his wife Queen Dasseene and there has been some progress on the social front. The Air Corps has been opened to female applicants and it's implied that society as a whole has got a bit more equal. (That said, let's not go too far with this - this is still a society where an aristocrat can have innocent people executed on a whim, as we see with the Sergeant Gnapperl subplot, so Overland has a long way to go before it could be described as a genuinely-civilised society. It may have got a bit more egalitarian one way, but it's still a monarchical despotism ruled by the threat and fear of absolute force.)

Toller, of course, ends up involving himself neck-deep in the war with the New Men. This has the effect of cratering his marriage to Gessalla. In what is genuinely a moment of awesome from her, she tells him that while she's glad he's still alive, she's had quite enough of spending every day wondering whether today is the day she's going to have to bury her idiot husband's corpse. It's stressful and unpleasant, she's lost quite enough in her life already (literally including her homeworld!) and if he can't settle down and sort himself out, then they're through.

Toller, of course, can't deal with this. His marriage thus collapses, and that leads us onto the second part of the novel.

Incidentally, before we get to that, allow me one small tangent. We're halfway through the trilogy, and Toller has entirely forgotten his previous wife. After she disappears halfway through TRA he just - forgets? un-persons? has selective amnesia? goes into denial? refuses to take any responsibility for his own actions? - her entire existence. Toller, you were MARRIED to this woman! Seriously, what a cad! We never find out anything about what happened to Fera at any point in the series. Even in the third novel when a return to Land happens and Shaw could have tied the plot-thread off, but we get nothing.

(Since we never find a body, I've decided to invoke headcanon. Like Toller's father, Fera was one of the rare people who are entirely-immune to pterthacosis. As such she actually survived the implosion of Ro-Atabri and the end of civilisation on Land. After some confusion she eventually moved into an abandoned princeling's palace and has been living out her days in comfortable luxury; she spends her time either walking by the river or reading books - a hobby she recently developed - and occasionally she has been known to take lunch with some of the more pro-social New Men, so she's not entirely without society either. She mostly keeps away from them, having made a reasonable judgement of their character, but that said the odd social do can be refreshing. All considered it's not the worst situation she could have ended up in, and she's certainly managed better than virtually everyone else in Kolcorron. When the Overland exiles' return to the planet happens in "The Fugitive Worlds", Fera - still alive, though an old woman by then - sees the balloons and discovers that she simply has nothing to say to the people who abandoned her to her fate 50 years earlier. As such she decides to avoid them during their visit. In the abstract she supposes that it's nice that society has survived over on Overland, but really, neo-Kolcorron's antics are just Not Her Problem Anymore, so why even bother?)

The second part of the novel concerns a group of Overlander colonists who have recently arrived in a remote area of the planet, newly-opened to settlement. (One oddity of the novel is that for a planet whose population still must be less than a quarter of a million, nonetheless people are spread quite widely across Overland.) The area they've arrived in is fertile, has a pleasant climate and even pre-existing houses, built then abandoned by the last group of prospective colonists. You see, unfortunately, it appears to be haunted.

Bartan Drumme, the semi-leader of the group, is mainly there because he's trying to court his would-be bride Sondeweere. Amusingly, Sondeweere has his number and is quite-blatantly stringing him along, mainly to annoy her domineering uncle. Bartan is of course entirely-blind to this - honestly, Land and Overlander men all seem to run at a permanent +10 to Oblivious - and the "romance" proceeds in exactly the dysfunctional manner that you might imagine. Unfortunately, what would have been an amusingly-cringy romantic dark comedy gets interrupted when the new arrivals in the Egg Basket region start falling ill. Bad dreams, disturbed moods, sleepwalking, full-on psychotic breakdowns - all is not well in the Egg Basket. It quickly becomes apparent that the region is being influenced by some sort of external force. The sensible people leave; the less sensible people cling on and meet with various misfortunes.

(If there is one moral to the Land/Overland trilogy, it seems to be "if you see any hints of trouble, pack your bags and leave NOW, because things will only get worse, and don't expect the government to do anything even minimally-useful".)

Anyway things go from bad to worse, the Egg Basket's mini-society essentially collapses, and then Sondeweere gets abducted by aliens.

Yes, you did read that right. A spaceship turns up and hoovers her up. In context it's not quite as random as it sounds, but it is still quite random.

Anyway this leads Bartan to a decision that he wants to retrieve her from Farland, the third planet in the Land/Overland system. He teams up with Toller, who is now deep into the rebound stage following the implosion of his marriage. Along with Berise and some other acquaintances of Toller's, they construct a spacecraft capable of travelling outside of Land/Overland's mutual atmosphere and set off for Farland. Technically they're under commission from the King; honestly, I got the sense that the King and Queen have simply had enough of Toller's antics, and see this as a convenient way of getting rid of him.

Then reality ensues and they almost die, because nobody on the ship knows anything like as much about either outer space or basic Newtonian physics as they think they do. In fact it turns out no-one has any grasp about continuous acceleration, and they've been running a continuous halvell/pikon thruster-burn for entire days (somehow without running out of fuel, either - apparently the specific impulse on the pikon/halvell reaction is something insanely high?). By the time Sondeweere becomes aware of the ship's situation, it's running at over 100,000 miles per hour and is barely days away from reenacting the Chixculuub meteor on Farland.

Oh yes, I almost forgot to mention - Sondeweere was abducted because her nervous system had become host to an alien parasite (the same one that was causing mass psychosis in the Egg Basket) and she now has superhuman intelligence and telepathic powers. And also, a far better grasp of modern physics than anyone aboard the titular wooden spaceship from Overland. Fortunately, Sondeweere is able to take charge of the situation and arranges something close-ish to a soft landing on Farland - the crew don't enjoy the experience, but they get to walk away from it, and that's about as good as it gets in aerospace incidents!

Anyway my review here is a bit forced, but that's because the last 40% of the novel also feels a bit forced. The pacing is off and the narrative makes some rapid jumps. Honestly TWS's problem is that it's actually not one novel but rather two separate novellas that have been welded together in a particularly-awkward manner. A lot of things aren't really followed up or tied off properly. The fact that Farland is inhabitable and also inhabited turns up quite late in the book and is dealt with in what I felt to be a bit of an unsatisfactory manner. I was also intrigued to find out that all three planets orbit within 42 million miles of their sun. Apparently the star must be some sort of K dwarf, I guess - no, in fact it may well even be a brighter M dwarf, because this is roughly the orbital radius of Mercury! This is odd because the sunlight is never described as being pink-ish. The only thing I can think of is that maybe nuclear fusion also behaves differently in Land/Overland-verse? Perhaps not only is Pi equal to 3 but perhaps smaller stars are hotter and brighter than they would be here? Or maybe everyone's so used to the pink sunlight that no-one thinks to remark on it at any point?

(Canonically they do fuse - in fact Sondeweere actually has a go at explaining nuclear fusion to Bartan and the others at one point, which was thoughtful of her, though sadly the Overlander males remain as obtuse as ever so the effort may have been wasted.)

Anyway overall, I think this book suffers from a bad case of "mid-trilogy syndrome". I'm glad that female characters are handled better here, and I was cheering for Gessalla when she told Toller to fuck off. The extra expansions to the universe were interesting, and it was also interesting to see the gradual consolidation of colonial life on Overland. Madcap as it was, the interplanetary voyage to Farland did have some "big-picture" excitement too. That said, however, the books minuses were continued dropped plot-threads from the previous novel, unevenness in pacing and perhaps also just having too many ideas in a small package.

[thechildoflightning]

JKSF Jobs

I got asked awhile ago by the lovely @mewithanie if I could write about everyone’s jobs in jksf if it sparked my interest. It did spark my interest, but I couldn’t figure out how to make it into a one-shot or story, so take a tumblr post bullet-style explanation instead!

Read on to find out all about the jobs Patton, Roman, Logan, and Virgil hold in just keep stumbling forward (baby im waiting for you)

tw: suicide (oc), PTSD and trauma (mentioned only), mentions of drugs, alcohol, and school shootings.

Patton

Runs a non-profit

Non-Profit pairs up with schools

Non-Profit is an art therapy center focused on increasing connection within teenagers and allowing them an appropriate outlet for emotional turmoil

Patton’s group generally gets placed on ‘high-risk’ campuses or campuses that have incidents happen at them

‘High-risk’ in this case is defined by higher than normal suicide rates, low attendance rates, high-levels of illegal activity (generally drug and alcohol use), high rate of poor mental health, more than average amounts of cheating, etc

Instances involve things like excessive inappropriate school-wide behavior (ie. all the kids getting drunk and disorderly at a school event) as well as shocking incidents (student death from suicide, overdose, drunk driving, or things such as school shootings)

Some kids come by choice, others are referred through a suspension exchange program

Pretty much, a kid gets suspended but can choose to go to the group’s meetings instead of facing suspension

Kids get referred for suspensions that deal with violence, drug use, alcohol use, excessive absences, and so forth

The idea behind it is that suspended the kid will only negatively impact the kids record and give no reason to change behavior, while the group can help get to the root of the issue and work towards solving/improving that instead

Other kids go by choice bc they’re looking for extra support, a healthy outlet, advice, etc

They have weekly after school meetings (per each district, with one focal school in each one. The program is currently seven districts wide)

They also have lunch drop-ins were you can come make art, chill, get a snack, pet a therapy dog, and other stuff

One of Patton’s first schools was the same school Virgil works at

Patton generally leads the entire non-profit and has delegates to deal with the different districts

He handles the school/district that Virgil is at, though he attempts to go to as many things at the other districts as he can

Does a lot of outside work promoting the program to school and school boards, but is starting to delegate a lot of that work to others so he can focus on the kids instead of the bureaucratic shit

Has had to cut back on individual involvement and delegate more as the work and stress from running an entire non-profit has taken a large toll on his health related to chronic illness

He is Not Happy about this fact, but it’s for his health and he needs it. His spouses help support in any ways that they can.

Roman

Theater Boi

He is a director for a local theater company that is actually not half-bad

Enjoys the heck out of it

Went into college planning to become an actor

And boy does he love acting and the truth is? He was good enough. He could have become an actor. 

But somehow he finds it even more magical running everything behind the acting (and so so much more work, god he never realized how much Work This Was)

So he joins a theater company and he slowly works his way up

At first he comes in as assistant choreographer 

He’s young and they don’t think much of it, but the show genuinely improves by his individual suggestions and work and wait, who the fuck is this kid and how do we hang onto him?

He makes his way up quite quickly, sliding his way into assistant directly and then co-director and then suddenly the director’s leaving and now he’s the director

It happens fast and it’s very very exciting but he’s also honestly a little overwhelming and he’s never been good at managing large tasks without procrastinating bc executive dysfunction (see this post and this one about Roman and ADHD)

And now he is The Director and an entire production is depending on him. Everything. All of it. And it was what he was looking for but it’s a lot.

The first time he’s on his own, it goes okay

It’s by far not the best the company has done, but it’s also not the worst and the company is pretty supportive of his jump to director and the people who have been there longer help him learn to delegate tasks

And so he tries again, and he does better, and he just continues to get better from there

There’s just one hiccup: the scenographer

Basically the scenographer Does Not Like Roman and it creates Conflict

(In my head I sorta imagine the boss character Joan played when they were playing Thomas as Roman as Joan as the boss character in that one part of “Can LYING Be Good?”)

Luckily, Deceit later takes that position, and him and Roman work way better together and pull off some pretty bomb ass productions

Roman has been asked to join other companies before- specifically travelling companies and work on Specific Productions- which is very cool and very exciting but he decides he’d rather do what he’s doing now bc 

a) he enjoys the rhythm of his work. b) larger productions are more stress. c) he doesn’t want to be gone from his spouses. And d) he gets a lot of positivity and meaning out of what he does now and doesn’t see a reason to change that

Every summer he also runs the local chapter of Shakespeare in the park. 

He does act in these as well bc it’s completely volunteer based. Deceit also acts in these with him and these two theater dorks have way to much fun together

They may or may not of kidnapped Trixie for one of the productions (with Virgil’s consent of course)

Logan

Logan works for a company that considers themselves as a “research and problem-solving team for the improvement of marine environments”

Basically, Logan researches issues that negatively impact marine life and helps come up solutions to improve or solve these issues

Most of what he does is cycle through data that other researchers collect and figure out what that data means and how it connects

He looks at a lot of abstract numbers and pulls them together to state exactly what the numbers are reporting 

From there he brings that research to a board that forms a hypothesis and then comes up with potential solutions

These solutions are often considered very progressive and liberal and as such cause a lot of debate

Solutions range from legal changes (laws reducing companies waste, laws to prevent oil spills, protection laws around certain species/habitats, etc) to inventions (boats that clean the ocean, replication of habits to help support species that can’t live outside of a certain ecosystem, etc)

The company Logan works for has had numerous very successful projects and many of these projects were successful bc of Logan’s involvement

Logan’s spouses are very very proud of this fact

Logan is modest af and brushed it off

Logan’s had quite a few articles published in scientific journals and his findings/theories/work have also made it to national news in the past

Logan himself has actually been asked to present some of his stuff on the news multiple times. He refuses each time and someone else goes in his place.

Does this mean that person gets a lot of credit that should be assigned to Logan? Yes. Does that person feel bad? They do and try to give credit to Logan. Does Logan care? No, no he does not. 

Logan could care less about credit, he just cares about marine ecosystems and That’s Literally It

Seriously, people ask him things like “does he understand the ‘political implications’ of his job” or “Are you okay with your team constantly stealing your work” and he’s just like “Fish are cool. Leave me the fuck alone.”

Logan has also done more hands-on experience which has included cool adventures that included scuba diving trips to study coral reef damage, spending days in heavy wetlands, and swimming with sharks

His spouses think that this is the coolest thing and Logan agrees a 1000%

He usually works on research because that’s Where He’s Comfortable, but the occasional planned (it has to be planned) research trip is always exciting

Logan also has so much passion for his job. So much passion. It’s sort of an agreed upon deal in the house that when Logan comes home he will generally Need To Infodump because his job is The Coolest

Because of this, a time period between him getting off work and them eating dinner is designated Logan Infodumping Time

Generally this happens while they cook (because as mentioned a few times, Logan is the best cook)

Even if his spouse aren’t helping w/ dinner, they usually try to stick around and listen because a) Logan is Cute when talking about things he enjoys. b) he talks about interesting stuff. c) even if they don’t find it interesting, Logan’s enthusiasm is infectious and they just Have To Listen

Virgil

Virgil is a high school English teacher

He generally teaches sophomore regular English and junior AP English

Classes can shift slightly depending on the year

Virgil was at first a very distant teacher and didn’t connect with his students

Like his students thought he was a fine teacher bc he wasn’t too strict and didn’t assign a bunch of hw, but no one really liked him either

About his fourth year teaching, a kid at Virgil’s school got suicide baited and ended up taking their own life

It was a Big Deal (and is also how Patton found his way to Virgil’s campus)

After the event, there were lots of discussions and groups at the school, and each teacher talked to their classes

Virgil’s discussion was,, impactful to say the least

He talked to the students frankly about the issue and opened discussion to the topic while making sure to keep it respectful and calling students out on shit while at the same time helping support everyone who was struggling

He ended it with a small speech about self-worth, what it meant, and the struggle to achieve it, especially when everyone around you is pulling you down

It spreads like wildfire throughout the school and suddenly Virgil is a very well-liked teacher because He Gets It, y’know

(to clarify- his student’s do not know about his suicide attempts or personally history regarding his PTSD and experiences, that said, they all know there’s something different about this teacher. Something that makes him understand in a way others don’t)

He also has just this snark that students fall in love with

(One of his class’ learning targets for an entire week was just “We’re going to stick it to The Man. How you ask? Well we’ll find out!”

There was also a situation one year when one of Logan’s articles turned up in a multiple choice quiz and No One, including Virgil knew the answers (Virgil did have the answer key but it Did Not Make Sense)

He had to actually call Logan to figure it out

Turns out, most of them was the quiz maker’s mistake because he was asking questions about “author’s tone” and “author’s purpose” and Logan’s just like,, I didn’t meant to have any tone? I don’t understand tone? My purpose was I like fish? Why are they saying it’s to educate the average person??

(pretty much they analyze Logan’s article from a neurotypical standpoint, which Logan Is Not, so it doesn’t work. Virgil scraps the quiz.)

[merryfortune]

Wind-Up Toy

Fandom: Yu-Gi-Oh! Vrains

Ship: Yusaku/Jin

Word Count: 1.7k

Warnings: Angst, Canon-Typical Depictions of Trauma, Bad Ending AU

Synopsis: Playmaker loses to Lightning and Lightning erases him. The consequences are unforeseen.

  Playmaker – no, Yusaku – opened his eyes.

  He was alive. But he didn’t feel it. He didn’t feel dead either and he thought that he was quite accustomed to such a feeling, but this wasn’t it either. He wasn’t breathing. He wasn’t blinking, and he couldn’t feel his fingers.

  But he could still see. He could still think and articulate thoughts. He couldn’t speak them. He tried to move his head, so he could gauge his surroundings better but alas, he was robbed of such a privilege in this state. Whatever that state may be. So, he had to understand from what he could see and from what he could see, he could not understand.

  It was white. Pure white. A brilliant and blinding white which was harsh on the eyes, but he couldn’t squint so he could fair it better. He didn’t know where he was, but he was on the floor. He felt like he was sitting, legs sprawled apart and arms by his side; like a porcelain doll on a shelf.

  He sifted through his memories and immediately, a great sorrow pierced his heart like the edge of a blade. A specific blade. Yusaku could vividly recall the blade which had hurt him. It had belonged to Armatos Legio Legatus Legionis, Lightning’s ace monster and the realisation caused him to crash.

  His mind blanked. His eyes widened but he couldn’t move. He couldn’t writhe in pain as phantom electricity bolted through his body, through his veins and he couldn’t stop it. He couldn’t rationalise it as the echoes of memories from a decade past. They felt fresh and real, even though he knew otherwise but he couldn’t bring his body to behave as such.

  Yusaku wanted so dearly and desperately to open his mouth and scream in agony but he couldn’t. His suffering was all contained to the realm of his mind and behind closed lips in an unbreathing body.

  He was supposed to be dead. That wasn’t even a hyperbole borne of his trauma. That was a fact. Lightning was supposed to have killed him because he had lost the duel. Yusaku’s mind flashed to the thoughts of his comrades – Soulburner, Blue Maiden, Ghost Girl, Ai, Flame, Aqua, Kusanagi – where were they?

  Were they…?

  Yusaku could not bring himself to think such thoughts. They choked out before they could even finish themselves. He could feel his eyes brimming with tears – hot, sorrowful – and yet he could not cry. They wouldn’t well up and streak down his unfeeling face. Instead, he had to stew with these emotions so desperate to escape him.

  “Oh? You’re awake. Good.”

  A cold voice pierced the room and in a blink of yellow light, Jin appeared before him and his arm bore Lightning. He stood tall and arrogant despite his diminutive size and cartoonish appearance as an Ignis. As they approached, the whiteness which had encapsulated him dropped. Like a curtain, unveiling a façade and Yusaku was shown the truth of where he was. Lightning’s hideout. The castle. His chest tightened as he realised what he was. Captured. A prisoner of war.

  “I have decided that I have use for the Origins… well, most of them. With Earth dead, I see no use in collecting his – not to mention, his happens to be allied with the Knights of Hanoi and that does not suit me.” Lightning said.

  Yusaku listened. His eyes sharp and he tried to project all his scathing hatred outwards. He intended to externalise all the rage inside of him, but his expression was emotionless. His mouth was stern and his brow level.

  “I have decided that in order to have the rest of the Ignis oblige my will, I will use their Origins as a bargaining chip. After all, Ai, Flame, Aqua are… unnaturally attached to theirs. I don’t understand; they want to be together forever, and I am providing a method to such a goal, and yet? They reject me.”

  Yusaku wanted to cry out. He wanted to ask questions and make his voice known but he possessed no such ability within him. And he was drawing closer and closer to the void that Jin was no doubt within. After all, this was the torment he was enduring and had endured for so long. He wished he could have done things quicker or better, but he couldn’t see any hope in hindsight.

  “You know, I see point in collecting remnants of the past.” Lightning mused. “Perhaps this solution to that problem is better. After all, when humans are annihilated, we ought to honour the six who had birthed us. Doctor Kogami may have created us but you… our Origins… are so much truer than he as our creator.”

  Lightning paused and stared up at Jin. His eyes squinted.

  “He’s happy, you know.” Lightning commented. “He’s happy to be my servant. This is an increase of quality of life for him, actually. No pain, no memories, no obligation to reply to questions which regardless of intention, however good, were always rhetorical, no annoyances from the uncaring, outside world – he’s truly at peace.”

  Yusaku, again, wanted to scream out. That had to be wrong. That was Kusanagi that Lightning was talking about. He had no doubt in his mind that Lightning was turning implications unto Kusanagi, Jin’s kind older brother who had taken him in as well. Those had to be lies. Surely Jin, who Kusanagi described as sweet and gentle, did not hold such cruel despair in his heart that he would forsake even his brother who had laboured to give him as much love as he could in the aftermath of the Lost Incident and wanted nothing more than to see him heal?

  His eyes watered, and his mouth was dry. His throat was hoarse and yet, the rest of him was so unfeeling and uncaring and numb that Yusaku could barely feel like he was attached to a body at all. His heart wrenched.

  “And he is even happier now that he can have a human companion in his bliss.” Lightning continued.

  Yusaku’s head reeled. Human companion? Bliss?

  “He gets lonely with just us and the other AIs. But, make no mistake, my choice of collecting you, Origin of the Dark Ignis, and the others is not for affection for my own Origin. It is a benefit, perhaps, but not an intention.” Lightning said.

  Lightning stepped off of Jin’s Duel Disc. He then walked, unnaturally so, up Jin’s arm and at angles which were impossible. He was eerie in his movements, however fine-tuned and straight-backed they were. He arrived upon Jin’s shoulder and looked away.

  “Unfortunately, I must keep you two here. I have other arrangements that need to be made.” Lightning said, and he snapped his fingers.

  In a dash of light, Bohman and Haru made themselves known.

  “Bohman, Haru? I will accompany you both without Jin. I need to wean myself of these humans lest I become too reliant on them, but I have tasks for you both and we have inspections that need to be made.”

  “Understood.” Haru chirruped.

  Bohman nodded. He silently offered his arm and Lightning made the switch. He found a new podium upon Bohman’s Duel Disc and from there, he would lord over his precious humans in his collection. Haru glanced over his shoulder at Yusaku and smiled an insidious smile before he, and the others, pardoned themselves and left in another brink of light.

  Yusaku feared that the world would become white again, but it did not. Instead, he was still left on the floor and with Jin who staggered towards him. His movements weren’t as controlled now that Lighting had left him. It was like watching a wind-up toy take jagged steps towards him and eventually, he had no energy left. He crashed onto Yusaku. It was as though he were unable to maintain his own weight upon his feet.

  He went head first against Yusaku and both of them moved. Not in pain, just in physics. Inertia. Jin’s movements were like a crash-test dummy in real time. Yusaku was just reacting as his body was pushed by outside forces. They became entwined. Almost in farce of an embrace. And Yusaku’s head was pushed downwards by what remained of the force Jin had enacted upon him and he looked down on Jin.

  His hand was on his chest. His eyes were closed, like he was sleeping, and there was a faint expression. He looked like he was content. The slightest curve upon his otherwise straight lips. Maybe it was true…? What if it was true…?

  Was it possible that at least some of this was Jin’s doing? That perhaps he was not the bastion of innocence that Kusanagi, and Yusaku, thought he was. That perhaps he wanted to live like a toy on the ground, played with and made to be played with by others. The thought sickened Yusaku from deep within his soul, as clipped and clamped as it had become in the wake of his loss to Lightning.

  Yusaku begged and pleaded that it wasn’t true. This wasn’t how he wanted to live. This wasn’t how he wanted Jin to live. If this could be living at all. They were just members of a collection – others to come – and so much of them had been erased. He wished he could feel his heart beat once more in chest. He wished that he could feel again with his hands.

  And then Yusaku noticed what he was wearing. Jin obscured most of it, but he could still see the fabric beneath him. Yusaku was still wearing his Playmaker catsuit, but it had been changed severely. The colours to the white, violet, and yellow and motifs added: the four-pointed spark. Lightning’s insignia.

  Thus, he really was just another thing to be collected. Another toy or doll to be had for Lightning to use and abuse whilst Jin preciously watched on, possibly approving of it all in his empty head. And, Yusaku feared, it would be like that for all eternity since he was a prisoner of artificial intelligence: the inheritor of the world.

[jauneflowers]

Coming Out

I had been thinking about how to launch this blog for months. I considered the fact that my first post would say everything about the tone of this blog, what I wanted to achieve and who I am as a writer. Deciding this narrowed down my subject matter somewhat, but still left me staring blankly at finished writing unconvinced that this was the way to debut my work. Sitting at the computer to curate something new felt forced, and my brain felt drained of drive. Over the months of preparation, I felt my creative brain waste away and be left with a husk unable to deal with writing from the heart. That was, until, a small mundane event told me exactly what I needed to write. Something personal, something about being Trans. As Pride Month comes to a close, I would like to tell you my most recent coming out story. My name is Jayne Oscar Michael Flowers, I am Non-binary, I am Trans, with these things I am also Queer. At the age of 21, after being out socially for almost 10 years, I decided to come out to my mother as trans, and I would like to tell you this story. 

The inciting incident for realising I’d like to put pen to paper- or rather, fingers to keys- was when a poster fell from my wall. My room is littered with artefacts that are symbols of my queerness and icons of my identity I hold dear. My collection of Bee Illustrates posters (you should support her work here: https://www.beeillustrates.com/), a postcard of Marilyn Monroe from Gays The Word, a print of Travis Alabanza (you should support their work here: http://travisalabanza.co.uk/) face each other as totems of what I deem important as my inspirations. Under the poster of Travis Alabanza is a coming-out letter. On these hot summer nights, nothing seems to stick, and when I woke this morning I found the letter scattered to the floor. When I picked it up, I thought fondly of when I got it. It’s an A3 poster of the coming-out letter by the character Mouse in the book More Tales of the City, authored by Armistead Maupin. It’s even signed by Maupin, too, as it’s based off of his own coming out letter. I bought it at an event called “An Evening with Armistead Maupin” at the Southbank Centre. I had gone by myself, a nervous wreck throughout the whole experience, and had bought this poster as a reminder to do something important for my growth later. Tales of the City had always been a role model to me, an example of moves to take for myself. After all, the series Tales of the City came to me in a very interesting time of my life. I had just broken up from an incredibly unhealthy relationship and lost a lot because of it. I was growing up very fast due to how that relationship had kept me infantilized, working a job that I had to bury myself so far into the closet with, in fear of what might happen when I did come out and was realising some of my personal friendships were changing beyond repair. Things were not as I knew them for the last 2 years and Tales of the City gave me some neon signposts to follow when I did not know where to take myself next. 

I thought all about this when I held that poster this morning, thought about how I came so far in a short amount of time, and was only seeing it go backwards now.  I thought about how this poster held so much importance. I had to make tangible a coming-out experience that really has changed me as a person and the reaction that rehashed a lot of trauma. What follows next is some background, and what I wrote exactly. It also speaks on alcoholism and abuse, so if that is not what you wish to read, turn back now. 

You see, when I say I bought this poster for my own growth, I meant it. The coming out letter was written by Mouse, within fiction, to tell his parents he is gay. I found myself in a similar situation to Mouse. He’s an adult, living independently, finding the path for him in a world that shells a lot of shit his way. He’s out, proud, vocal, and yet he hasn’t come out to his parents. I am also an adult, I am also living independently, I am also getting shelled a lot of shit my way, I am also out, proud, vocal and yet I also haven’t told my only parent I am trans. In his situation, Mouse decides to write them a letter. He could have picked up the phone, visited, but he knew this was the right way to convey himself. I knew I wanted to do the same. 

I worried when writing this that someone would call the act of writing a letter, and this kind of fictional inspiration, “useless drama”. Why not just call my mother? Why not just text? Visit? Well. I want to start with that I had not spoken to my mother in a while when I made this decision. I changed my last name, to cut ties with abuse and to cut ties with a family name that made me feel dysphoric, and I had decided to do the right thing and tell her what I intended to do, before it was done. When I told her over the phone of my intention, she told me it was fine but then proceeded not to speak to me for weeks. When I did hear from her, try to call her, text her, I’d often get cryptic messages, no response or an answer like the one shown here.

To go back even further, to understand why I couldn’t just pull up my socks and call her anyway, you must also understand that my mother is an alcoholic. A binge drinker. Something that I had had to be exposed to since before I was a teen. I learned very quickly that texting was out of the question because her responses often weren’t as lucid as what is shown here, calling was no good because not only could she just not answer or put the phone down, I did not want to talk to a drunk person on the phone about my gender. For once, I wanted to be in control about the way I came out, have control over this facet of my life. So, I thought about Mouse and decided I would write her a letter. One she could not ignore, that also allowed me to explain myself and write from the heart, if I could find the words. 

I remember sitting alone in my flat, agonizing over what to write. I wrote draft after draft and nothing was good. The longer I took to put pen to paper, the longer it had been since we talked, and I had begun not fielding her random texts or calls in fear of her drunkenness. I realised it was not fair to go so long without communication, and I turned to the only inspiration I had: Mouse’s letter. It was a late evening as I sat with a pen, some paper and the poster on the table, reading over what Mouse wrote. I tried not to lift it word for word, but it often said it better than I could have. Do I think it was cheesy? Do I think I could have thought of something better if I agonized over it for a few more days? Yes and yes. But time was not on my side and sometimes cheese is all you’ve got. 

“Dear Mum,

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to contact you properly. Every time I try I realize I’m not telling you the truth. I realize that some of my life decisions may have upset you or seemed foolish because you haven’t really met me. That would be ok if I loved you any less than I do, but you are still my parent and I am still your child. 

If I'm honest, I'm scared to write this letter. These words on page have been waiting to be actualized. Said to you in some form since I was 12. They were withheld, not because I think you are hateful, because you loved and accepted me when I came out as gay. They were withheld because I hate the unknown. If you know me at all, you will know the fear of the unknown crushes me every day.

I might have never told you the following, if it were not for your radio silence after I said I’d be changing the rest of my name. I almost didn't tell you that, either. I told you many reasons for changing my name. Professionalism. Uniqueness. These are true, but the most important reason is because I am Transgender. More specifically, I am a Non-Binary person. Which is to mean am not a man. Not a woman. I am a person who lives in between those binaries. I use they/them pronouns. So, when people refer to me they may say, “This is Jayne, they study sociology.” 

I’m sorry. Not for who I am, being Non-Binary, but for how you must feel right now. I won’t put words in your mouth or project an idea onto you, but I want you to know. This is not a phase. This is who I have always been. And, if you want to love or loath me, at least love or loath your queer, Non-binary child; 

Jayne Oscar Michael Flowers. 

London has made me feel safer. I have people who are like me, who use the correct pronouns, who treasure me and see me as Non-binary. London never made me queer but it sure did queer me. I can do what I truly want here. But that didn’t ease the ache in my heart when you soured at a new change to me. I know that you may have been happier if I had just come out and said the damn thing. For that, I am sorry. 

There’s not much else to say, except that you know me so much better now. I have never done anything consciously to hurt you. I never will. 

Please don’t feel you have to answer right away. It’s enough, for now, to no longer lie to someone who has taught me to value the truth. Anna Madrigal once said, “There is only the truth.” 

People here send their love.

Your child, 

Jayne Oscar Michael Flowers”

I want to finish the story by telling you what happened next. I made the poor decision to tell my mother I’d sent a letter. Why was it poor? Because she spent a week insulting me, bombarding me with texts asking what it was, and if I couldn’t say it on the phone it wasn’t important. It didn’t matter to her how I explained my reasons for choosing a letter, because she didn’t accept it as an answer. Allegedly the letter didn’t arrive, and I had to go through the pain of writing and sending another, it taking even longer to reach her, and her finally receiving it. The two weeks this spanned across were hell for me. 

I wish the call about the letter had happened over text, because in my mind it just turns sour so fast. I was already on edge, vulnerable and angry, due to the situation and the weeks leading up to it. My mother told me she accepted ‘what’ I was, and spoke about me as if I was a thing, an item, a creature. At least, that is how I felt. With a somewhat positive outcome, despite her words, I expressed wanting to try and fix our relationship and address her alcoholism now that I was fully out to her. It had driven an irreparable wedge between us, and if I was on a streak of being honest, I wanted to let it continue. As you can imagine, that did not go down well. I will not delve too deeply into conversations after this to save her some privacy. However, it is needless to say they were not positive ones. The true breaking point was when these conversations turned into her insisting I was only angry because of my coming out, because of my own transness. Not, you know, her alcohol abuse or the decade-long emotional abuse and trauma caused by it. My coming out was weaponized against me on several occasions, used almost as a tool of doublethink whenever I brought up any actual issues. 

I supposed writing this was as cathartic as it was a cautionary tale. I came out, but at what price? With the other factors that adorned my relationship with my mother, would this have happened anyway? Was the familial estrangement that happened a month later, which I will recall on another occasion, worth my own gender freedom? If you come out of the closet for sexuality, do you crawl out of the cupboard under the stairs for gender? I had clambered out of said closet and ended up in that cupboard, and I know I am always better for opening the door again, even if it only adds to my trauma. 

When I finished writing this, I took up the note from Mouse again to read over it once more, comparing it to my own. A thought struck me, and I suppose hindsight is 20/20, which is why I wear reading glasses. Mouse did not continue his coming out journey completely unscathed. His parents had a very similar reaction, so perhaps I should have seen this all coming. There are lots of things you don’t see until you need to see them. Like, as I thumbed over the paper of this poster, I realised after owning this for all this time I had never noticed there was an image of San Francisco impressed onto the page. It made me smile because I feel like I couldn’t see it until now, until writing this. I hope through writing this and sharing it as I begin a wider writing journey, new truths about coming out and living my life authentically will be revealed to me, too. And I hope after reading this the same can be done for you, too. My name is Jayne Oscar Michael Flowers, I am Non-binary, I am Trans, with these things I am also Queer. At the age of 21, I chose no longer to lie about who I am to those I cared about. This was my coming out story.

[amybessschiller]

Hagar, Ishmael, DACA, and Forgiveness: The Sermon I’d Give For These High Holy Days.

I am, admittedly, not in the habit of reading the holiday Torah portion in advance. As I read the story of Hagar and Ishmael in shul on Thursday, the first day of Rosh Hashana, there appeared to me a reading of that story more topical and urgent than any other — and also more universal and evergreen.

For the story of Hagar and Ishmael is, above all else, a story of deportation.

Genesis 21:9 has our foremother, Sarah, insisting that Abraham “cast out” Hagar, the servant of her household and surrogate childbearer of Ishmael, “for the child of that slave shall not share in the inheritance with my son Isaac.”

That statement cuts me to the quick. Three verses earlier, Sarah is rejoicing and a great feast is held in honor of Isaac’s birth, a moment of abundance and blessing. Yet this feeling does not last long in the text before Ishmael’s presence feels like a threat — specifically, an illegitimate claim on Abraham’s resources. Sarah’s insistence that Hagar and Ishmael be cast out for the sake of her son Isaac’s inheritance has the same vicious hostility of people who speak of undocumented immigrants “draining the system,” claiming welfare and health care that “rightfully” belongs to citizens, the “legitimate” children. This is a script that seems to only amplify the more it is refuted. Those who might be called undocumented become “illegals,” “criminals,” an abstract class of grifters. Their humanity is obscured by projections of their laziness and greed. Hagar, too, becomes an abstract symbol of illegitimacy. Sarah no longer refers to her by name, only by her status, that of “slave-woman.”

This turnaround is scary when we think of how Ishmael came to be for the very sake of Abraham and the need for his household to contain an heir. Ishmael too is defined by his role and his parentage. He came into the world because he was needed. The moment he and his mother appear to stop “contributing” to the household, they become dependents, and furthermore, threats. Ishmael too, is a child of Abraham, yet reduced to his household function.

So too, do the undocumented come to make contributions. They are, whether we like it or not, asked here, demanded even, to fulfill the needs of our household. And yet the idea lingers, that they will take more than they give. That they will claim what is not rightfully theirs. That their presence is a concession on our part. Since we need them, we must keep “their” opportunities for abusing that need under control.

Even more searing, the description of Hagar and Ishmael in the desert, the wilderness of Beer-sheva, where she “wanders,” desperate and so, so alone, and finally as their skein of water runs dry, hides her son under a bush so she does not have to watch him die. “Sitting afar, she bursts into tears.”

In my hometown of Cleveland, a woman, Leonor Garcia, has taken sanctuary at Forest Hill Presbyterian Church, just before her scheduled deportation to Mexico, which would separate her from her nineteen-year-old and three-year-old daughters. As she remained in the church, Immigration and Customs Enforcement pounded on the door of the house where her two children live, frightening them even as they were made aware that Garcia was residing in sanctuary elsewhere. Leonor had to witness her children’s fear from a distance, helpless against their intimidation. How many mothers are stuck wandering in a desert somewhere on the southern border? How many have to choose between watching their children die, and not being able to watch their children die, so great is their helplessness and grief?

Given that we read it on Rosh Hashana, what does this story actually offer to us about forgiveness? Forgiveness seems in pretty short supply here. Sure, God comforts Hagar (but opens in oblivious douchebro style with “What troubles you, Hagar?” like, “HOW ABOUT THAT BANISHMENT INTO STARVATION AND LONELINESS YOU ARRANGED FOR ME AND MY CHILD? THAT’S BEEN A LITTLE TROUBLING.”) Anyway, God summons a well, ensures that the twosome are taken care of in the desert, Ishmael eventually sires a great nation, ok fine. But these are palliative measures, happening well after the fact. There is no forgiveness in this story because there is no reckoning with what was truly *wrong.* Hagar and Ishmael present a most challenging opportunity for forgiveness: how do we deal with children, with families, who we think are not supposed to be here? Whose presence feels like a mistake?

Because when Sarah looks at Hagar and Ishmael, she sees a mistake. She sees things that are not as they should be. She sees something that has gone wrong.

And she’s right.

Something very much did go wrong.

It was wrong that Sarah could not conceive until her old age. It was wrong that she had to suffer so many years of feeling like a failure, of unmet longing, of desperate compromises.

It was wrong that Hagar’s will - her womb, her parenting - had to be subordinated to the demands of her mistress and the household. It is wrong that Hagar did not have her own domain, children that belonged to her and her spouse alone. It is wrong that she had to live a half-life.

There is very much a mistake at the center of this story. A heartbreaking, mostly blameless, searingly painful mistake.

And Sarah and Abraham’s choice — one sanctioned by God, who insists that Abraham set aside his distress and follow the orders of his wife — is to try and nullify the evidence of that mistake.

Again - Sarah reduces Hagar to her function as slave-woman. She is no longer a person, she is all but erased. Hagar is sent away to the wilderness. No other people are there to shelter her, to comfort her. Hagar no longer has a place in the world, nothing to validate or support her existence, she is a practically a ghost. All this is Sarah’s intent. To cast out the slave-woman and her son, and to move forward as if they never existed. As if they never had to exist.

As if her failure never required their existence.

As if Sarah had never failed.

How do we deal with the mistakes that dwell in the households of our souls?

I’m hard on Sarah, it’s true. This is an ugly episode for her. But my heart breaks for her too, for wouldn’t we all like to banish our mistakes, our painful histories, to the desert? Wouldn’t we all like to nullify their existence, especially when we finally do achieve our greatest dreams?

But Hagars and Ishmaels live among us. They live in our communities. Perhaps they are, in some way, a mistake. It is not they who are the mistake, though. The mistake is the desperation of their lives. The misery and fear of their original homes, the conditions so awful that they must flee or die. Either way, they too live half-lives, full of never-ending anxiety. Even as they dwell in our household they know they only get to stay as long as they do whatever we need. And stay on good behavior.

Hagars and Ishmaels dwell, too, in the households of our souls.

The remainders of our mistakes live inside us. We might like to project all of our anger, jealousy, sadness, onto some concrete being, and send it away.

But that story only ends in more tears. The saddest, loneliest, most desperate tears.

And, spoiler alert, the household of Abraham and Sarah has a lot more trauma ahead after this incident. Banishing Hagar does not exactly bring the utopian reconciliation that Sarah envisions.

What would happen if, instead, we saw our mistakes, the humans who represent all the brokenness, the wrongness of our world, and kept them as part of our households. What would happen if we found a way to let our most brilliant triumphs live alongside our greatest disappointments? For that is Isaac and Ishmael, to Sarah. And at the start of this parsha, they are playing together. Sarah’s sadness, the mistake of this son that is not hers, exists right alongside the miracle of her child’s existence. And for a moment, all are still people. No one is crying. And there is enough for everyone.

May we resist the temptation to nullify the humanity of others in an attempt to save ourselves. May we all find ways to see the people we depend on as fellow humans, rather than vessels of our frustrations. May we find ways to let our mistakes live with us, in laughter, abundance, and peace.

Ken Yehi Ratzon. G’mar Chatima Tova.

[mercenarypark]

tf2 mercs and pets

ive been writing on this since yesterday and now im sick of it so heres a lot of words i made to distract myself from my father #animal abuse #abuse #physical abuse #antisemitism #insects #spiders #dogs #cats #birds #snakes #long post #text heavy

-medic, obviously, has a LOT of experience with birds. his mother had a cockatoo that he was basically raised with, and throughout his childhood he would always try to befriend the wild birds around their home [on the occasion he was allowed outside, that is]. in college/med school, he kept up that same trend, earning a less than stellar reputation as "that weird fucker who tries to climb trees around campus to get a better look at the birds’ nests", alongside his other reputations, "the weird gay jew who doesnt understand personal space" and "probably the cause of at least three "disappearances" throughout the semester since they were last seen harassing him"

-BLU engie gets ein[the canary] after a family member dies, they werent particularly close but the guy didnt have a will or any friends willing to take the bird, and engie was basically the closest living relative available [note: only BLU engie has the canary, not RED engie, and he recieves it a few years after joining the mercs]

-pyro kept the dalmation puppy they take in the comics, and he's a big comfort for them, they'll sometimes spend hours just playing with him or hugging him to calm themselves down from a panic attack; funny thing is, no one's entirely sure what pyro NAMED him, not even the people who can usually understand pyro's mumbles[engie, medic, solly, demo]. all 4 of them seem to hear completely different things so theyve just kind of accepted as a group that the dog has four different names that are all equally valid

-pyro also loves a lot of bugs, BLU py had a pet praying mantis for a while until the administrator made everyone move bases again, this time to a much colder climate- they were worried the mantis wouldn't survive the lower temperatures and released it before they left; theyve also kept tarantulas, ants, and stag beetles before -engie is also really into ant keeping and he and pyro bond over that, engie builds big elaborate setups for their ant colonies

-medic talks to birds, a lot, and seems to hold full conversations with them a lot of the time. not just his pigeon flock, either, but any bird- from sparrows to falcons to parakeets

-demo volunteers at the "kitten orphanage" shown in end of the line- hed work at the regular human orphanage too, but... he has too many bad memories of his own time as an "orphan". the kittens all love him, engie will sometimes come by to find demo sprawled on the floor on his back, three kittens on his chest, one asleep on his neck, one kneading its paws on his cheek, one chewing on his shoe...

-medic doesnt understand dogs. hes not scared of them, not really, he just. doesnt understand how they work. he cant read their body language at ALL and he was rarely around them as a child. he's ok with cats, though he still cant understand their body language that well, and sometimes irritates the shyer or more aggressive ones by being too affectionate- he only blames himself for getting scratched/bit though

-spy says he never had pets growing up, which is probably a lie- he just doesnt want to give anyone any information about his childhood and family life. he's mentioned once or twice that he wouldnt mind getting a pet snake, though, which engie thought was fucking hilarious and fitting

-scout actually didnt have pets growing up- her family spent a lot of time trying to make ends meet, and a tiny, shitty apartment w/ her, her ma, and her 7 siblings wasnt exactly an optimal environment for a pet. she always liked cats, though, and mice, and after she joins the mercs she grows to really love birds, too, because theyre Everywhere at the bases

-[RED] demo got his parrot, joyce, from BLU soldier[only RED demo has the birdman of aberdeen in my hcs]. solly found it in a bush somewhere as a chick, and brought it to demo. demo has no fucking clue how the hell jane managed to find a baby parrot out in the badlands, but he winds up taking her in, getting a lot of help from medic to get adjusted [medic is absolutely delighted and fawns over joyce the whole fucking time he loves her so much]

-demo's really worried for the longest time that he wont be able to take care of joyce properly ["i can barely keep myself together, how'm i supposed to keep you alive?"]  but he grows to really love her and she becomes an emotional support animal for him, on some of his worst days he keeps himself from drinking himself into a blackout by keeping her busy and happy

-she becomes even more important to him after the WAR update events, as a living reminder of his old relationship with jane; it hurts him sometimes to look at her and remember the grin on jane's face when she first handed him that parrot chick, but he loves joyce anyway and nothing's gonna change that

-demo also used to own lizards, he's partial to bearded dragons

-both RED and BLU solly are licensed falconers and wildlife rehabilitators. no one's entirely sure how. but its the reason shes allowed to have her Horde of Raccoons and also her fucking bald eagle [note: BLU solly is the one with the Compatriot, RED solly is the one with LT bites and the other raccoons]

-engie grew up with farm animals, because of course. he's good with horses, pigs, cattle, and sheep, and working dogs. one of the times the mercs had their bases relocated, they wound up in texas so RED engie took everyone out to his family's old farm [he pays to have it taken care of while his dad's... gone and he's w/ the mercs]

-spy flips the fuck out when he realizes just how fucking huge hogs are. then someone[scout] absolutely knocks spy into the mud with the pigs and he gets trampled and everyone laughs. also spy is mildly terrified of horses. spy does not have a good time at dell's farm

-speaking of terrified of horses, demo,

well really he's not terrified, hes just distrustful. it takes a long time for tavish to warm up to engie's horses, with a lot of reassuring from dell that hes not doing something wrong

-medic's pigeons are extremely affectionate and loyal to him, first and foremost. at least one or two accompany him at pretty much all times, except for when they're locked into their aviary at night. they also love heavy, scout, and pyro, and like/tolerate everyone else

-heavy loves birds. his family has a lot of chickens, and hes very partial to them; he also has a parakeet, who his sisters take care of while he's with the mercs. RED heavy is the one that finds the red army robin; he sees an injured little bird in the snow and he brings it to medic

-jane “soldier” doe cannot take care of cats or dogs or other normal pets for the life of her but if you hand her an injured wild porcupine and say "hey, how do i take care of this" she'll know exactly what to do; sometimes both soldiers will just come out onto the battlefield bottlefeeding a squirrel or something, and somehow artfully dodge enemy fire while shooting rockets AND feeding a baby animal. how's that for multitasking

-scout's ma, peg, has a cockatiel that she gets after all her children have left the nest, so to speak. scout teaches it to whistle happy birthday and demonstrates that on peg's birthday and its sweet

-heavy has a very specific [canonical, at least w/ "pokernight at the inventory"] childhood memory of watching a boy kill a sparrow, w/ the implication that the memory haunts him a little bit; seeing the injured robin brought that memory to the surface, and it freaked him out more than he'd like to admit. he was kind of panicking when he asked for medic's help, but trying desperately not to show it

-spy hates dogs. he hates horses. he hates insects. he tolerates cats. but most damning of all, he hates birds. thats a big problem with at least half of the base loving or at least liking birds, and with all the pigeons/doves everywhere

-it takes YEARS before spy stops insulting or scolding medic's pigeons every time he gets the chance, and the main reason he stops is because medic absolutely was NOT having it... still though, spy has his limits. he never hurt any of medic's birds, or anyone else's pets, because he may be a mercenary but he does have some standards. mostly

-this is notable, because, hahahhhhhhh. im gonna eventually make a much longer post about this, but medic has a fair amount of Trauma[tm] from dealing with classic heavy's abusive bullshit; the thing is though, cheavy realized quickly that medic could handle being yelled at or physically punished for his mistakes or his worse quirks... but he had a very vulnerable flock of pigeons with him, that he regarded as family and who meant the world to him

-the scene in the comics where cheavy grabs archimedes tight and throws him to the ground was not an isolated incident, is what im saying. though it /was/ one of the more violent ones, since after a few threats and a few times of cheavy proving he absolutely would follow through on his threats, medic got the hint

-through his time working w/ the classics, medic becomes more secluded and on edge, and more prone to breakdowns and fits; and even more protective of his flock, urging them multiple times to fly away and leave him, to find heavy or scout or SOMEONE and stay with them, that he would come back for them when he could[but they always refused to leave him]... the baboon infant incident was a long time coming and he only held off on detonating it as long as he did through sheer willpower and a healthy fear of retribution

-ANYWAY. projecting aside.

-scout /would/ get a cat from the kitten orphanage but shes worried it would try to kill or eat some of medic's doves, since they basically free roam the base; so instead she goes by with demo sometimes to play with the cats and its Good

-ms pauling is a big dog person, and i mean that both in the "she really loves dogs" way and in the "she loves dogs that are Massive" way; she grew up with newfoundlands and bully breeds and shes still got a big soft spot for them; she has two shelter dogs, one's an 11 y/o pit+rottie, the other is a 7 y/o mutt that has some st bernard in it and who's blind in one eye; she spoils them rotten

-engie is really into fishkeeping and after all this merc business is over, he wants to have big fucking tanks installed in his home; hes also surprisingly passionate about the proper treatment of fish, like, he nearly decked spy once for saying betta fish just needed a fishbowl and not a whole aquarium setup

-medic has stolen at least a couple fancy pigeons from pigeon shows, mostly the ones that have been bred to an unhealthy degree to fit show standards, he spends a lot of time trying to give them the best care he can and maybe undo the effects of years of awful breeding 

-i literally dont care about sniper so he gets no headcanons

im tired