dr3amwhisperer

[lacomandante]

HELLO i'm alive, I just barely survived 9 days in Girona doing costumes for Assumpta's short film reels.....and immediately after we came back I had to do some frantic sewing in time for the week of events planned for the Dos de Mayo. I met up with some new friends I had met at the Museo de Traje two weeks or so earlier, and my Spanish has improved SO MUCH during my time here. I am so happy and having SO much fun. I based this spencer off of one Assumpta wears in Rossini, Rossini!, and had two days to make it. I did my hair how Teresa's looks in a snood in Company, but made a madroñera instead- it's a little lower class than Teresa would've worn, I think, but it was appropriate. (I want to make all of the costumes Assumpta wears in her films and make a pre-war Teresa wardrobe, though I'll be remaking this red spencer!) Over the course of the week we walked through many parks, got to see the changing of the guard, we went to many palaces, and I got to participate in the Dos de Mayo parade and battle, which was insanely cool, and where the first two photos are taken! I also got to go to a wonderful ball and danced with all my friends, which I'll post photos of soon. Now that the events are over, I'm rereading Sharpe's Command bc I have my review in my drafts and want to revisit it.

[wowzah2nd]

The Hidden member

Five Hargreeves x Reader

Wordcount: 3k

When the umbrella academy returns to their time, they realize that things have changed, and strangers are now living in their home. A fight soon starts, which causes Five Hargreaves to blink out of the chaos. In doing so, he discovers a hidden room in the library's walls. Meeting someone unexpected.

Number five and the rest of his siblings seemingly appeared in their home everything seems to be back to normal finally he thought then a voice interrupted his thoughts and gained the attention of his siblings 

Slir Reginaled Hargreaves: i knew you'd return eventually 

Everyone turned to him in shock

Luther: your alive 

Reginaled: why shouldn’t i be 

Questioning the absurd statement 

Luther: your right i-im just happy that were all home and together again 

Everyone looked at Reginald suspicious this didn’t feel right to any of them something was off and it was just because their so called dad was alive now but something was definitely wrong 

Reginaled: home this isn't you home 

Everyone looked at him as if he’d gone mad of course this was their home five thought 

Alison: what are you talking about this is the umbrella academy  

Looking at her dad confused 

Reginaled: wrong again 

Everyone was staring at him how could they be wrong this was clearly their home. He then spoke again 

Reginaled: this is the sparrow academy 

Soon after his statement 7 figures appeared standing above them on the balcony of the living room.

Everyone turned around to face them diego retrieving his knifes ready to fight everyone seemingly getting ready to do the same thing. 

Then a voice from the balcony spoke 

Man: Dad who are these assholes?

Taking a better look at the man everyone soon realised who it was and were in shocked how could this be possible 

The umbrella academy: shit!!!

Klaus: ben 

Ben looked at the umbrella academy confused, everyone from the umbrella academy looking at him in shock and luther and klaus walking a bit closer to get a better look at him 

Luther: is that really you  

Diego then decided to yell

Diego and who are those weirdos on the balcony 

Reginaled: those are my children the sparrow academy 

(slight time skip)

Thing started to get heated in the sparrow academy quickly people yelling and screaming at each other but Five seems focused on trying to get the brief case 

Soon after a fight broke loose started from just a punch from ben. Which then water falled into both academies fighting one another. As this fight was going on someone was watching  them in a secret room behind a bookshelf within the library. Who was this person, well she was the academy's biggest secret.

The eighth member of the family Y/N Hargreaves 

as she stares at the umbrella academy using her powers she smiles

Y/N: welcome Umbrellas 

As she watches the two academies fight she notices one of them disappear with a blink of light. She was intrigued she knew he had a teleporting ability.

As she stared at the projection she has created watching the fight she wasn’t able to see what the other member of the umbrella academy was up to since she needs to follow them to allow the projection to split off to a separate person but since he had seemingly just poofed and gone she couldn't watch him anymore 

She was a bit sad about that she thought he was cute 

But then a thud in her room startled her causing her to lose focus and in toe the projection disappearing 

Y/N: damn it 

She turned from where she was looking to see what that sound was. It was only her supposed to be in this room, no one ever was in here or even visited her beside sloane.

The she saw him which cause her to stand up in joy 

Y/N: oh my goodness it's you 

This caused the boy to looked confused why was there a girl in this secret room by herself and about his age too

Boy: who are you 

This caused Y/N to pout 

Y/N: thats a bit rude to ask since your in my room 

He looked shocked 

Boy: your room?  more like it with the grade A holding cell with the locks they used on that door and the walls being so thick that only Luther could break them if he tried. 

y/n looked at him unfazed by his statement she knew why the room need to be like this it was for her safety but also the families too

Y/N: yeah it always been like this, haven't really left since forever 

He looked at her in shocked 

Boy:Are you serious 

Y/N: yeah…i mean of course when i was younger i shared a room with sloane but then one day i got moved 

This caused the boy to really look at her and ask again why a girl around his age seemingly locked up in a heavily fortified room seems like child abuse.

Boy: your not 13 are you 

She smiled seeing how fast he figured it out 

Y/N: technically my body stopped again at 6 but eventually i started to age normally again at mental age 23

This cause the boy to chuckle 

Boy: how is this even possible

y/n made a thinking face thinking if she should tell this strange boy about her self but her intuition was telling her she could trust him.

Y/N: weeeeell…its because of my powers i stopped aging 

The boy gave her a questioning looks how is that possible 

Boy: What are you powers exactly

Y/N: They are related to time in a sort of way such as this

y/n waved her hand creating a projection to the living room showing the two academies fighting 

Y/N: i can create live projections of places ive been to and see whats happening currently 

Boy: so pretty much a glorified security system 

That statement caused y/n to get angry, this caused her eyes to glow white and thing in the room started to shake 

Y/N: DON'T CALL ME THAT 

Her outburst caused a wave of energy to realise it self from with in her breaking nearly everything in her room and even causing the boy to be blown back against a wall. After realising what she had done she started to panic

Y/N: og my goodness i am so so sorry i didnt mean to do that 

She then ran to the boy to check up on him kneeling infront of him helping him up then grabbing him from his face to his arms and cheking his legs if he’d been hurt 

Boy: Im fine dont worry about me but what was that 

y/n stepped away from the boy to give him some room but also out of embarrassment she literally just met him and shes already fawning over him 

Y/N: That was one of my energy burst when i get really upset or have a lot of repressed energy or even emotions if i don't let them out in a calm way or slowly or even somehow calm myself down that can happen.The room is pretty much to protect the family and myself 

The boy had a look around the room and nearly everything but the room itself was damaged 

Boy: you did a number on your room sorry 

Y/N: don’t be sorry i shouldn’t have yelled knowing my powers i should be more careful and don’t worry about my room i can fix that 

The boy look at her puzzled 

Boy: How?

y/n gave him a mischievous smile 

Y/N: like this..

Putting her hand out and open a white light emitted from it she then processed to move her hand from her right side to her left this then causing everything to go in reverse things that were shattered or broken started piecing them sleeves together until they were fully repared 

Y/N: Ta Da… that another one of my time related powers i can reverse time on items, places and even people. Places are a bit harder though the larger the area the harder but if it's a small area such as a room pretty easy even and item as well

 This new information intrigued the boy and was now curious about the part where you said you could do it on people too

Boy: you also said people how does that work

y/n tried to think of a way of explaining properly then just did her best 

Y/N: lemme give you an example 

She then proceed to grabs the boys hand and scratched with a small pocket knife she had grabbed near by

Boy: what the fuck

He then pulled his hand back 

Y/N: shut up and give me back your hand of you want that cut gone 

He proceeded to give it back and let her work. She then repeated what she did to reverse the room back to normal he was amazed watching his cut close

Boy: wow 

Y/N: i can pretty much reverse your body to how it was before the injury 

The boy was amazed people who didn’t know her powers would assume she was just healing but this was completely different she could reverse someone's body to how it looked or how it was to its original state before an injury. This got him thinking about her situation why was she still young

Boy: does this have any involvement of why your still 12

y/n was a silent for a moment most likely still traumatised from it 

Y/N: Yes…

The boy looked worried but he needed to know 

Boy: what happen?

Even though she was hesitant to tell him anything her intuition told her she could trust him

Y/N: It happened when I was 17 dad wasn’t satisfied with me just doing recon, cleaning up after giant fights or even “healing” the team he thought I could do better. So what best way to practise then on yourself he wanted me to practise ageing. 

This caused the boy to become more intrigued 

If I aged myself young or even old no one would suspect a sweet little girl or even an old lady nearby. It took awhile but I got there being able to age myself up or down. Once I had mastered both he became satisfied with how fast i was changing and wanted me to do it faster. 

Along the way I somehow got stuck at 6 while rapidly ageing and no matter how hard I try i was stuck. somehow dad broke me 

I assume it's due to how fast I was changing my cells, the rapid changing stretching them back and forth so much that they couldn’t handle it anymore. I honestly thought i was stuck but over the years dads research what happened and he found out that my cells were slowly repairing themselves took about 6 years for me to start ageing at a normal rate before that i was ageing at a snail's pace

Even thought she was trying to hide it he could see through the sarcasm and the jokes that she was in pain and that there was more t the story ‘

Y/N: The day that i stopped ageing was also the day i started having those energy burst due to the amount of frustration and rage building up not being able to age myself back…

y/n look at her hands nervous to continue but she knew she had to 

Y/N: it was in the training room my sibling could here me just screaming and yelling in frustration so they call came in 

Y/N Flash back 

Dad: Come on number 8 try harder 

Y/N: im trying dad 

She was starting to get even more frustrated and angry having tears in her eye 

Dad: stop crying, you are one of my children and my children are not weak NOW CHANGE BACK

Y/N: I CAN’T 

Just as she said that her sibling had entered the room want to see what was happening causing them to be now in the blast zone 

Everything in that room and even the rooms near by were shattered broken it was a surpise that the room was standing. Everyone that was caught in the blast was blown away and injured 

Seeing what had happen y/n started to panic, she started look for her sibling through the rubbled luckily they were all okay with minor or mild injurys only ben getting the worst of it having shard of wood imbedded in him y/n decided to work fast before it was too late

Y/N: oh my god ben i am so sorry 

She knelt down to his level examining him for nay further injurys, but it was only the shard 

Y/N: Im going to pull it out okay if i done you body will reverse with the shard still there so it needs to be gone okay 

Ben look pissed but he knew she was the only one to save him right now so he let her work.

In her six year old body she pulled the shard as hard has she ensuring it all came out and then checking for any remaining shards after knowing for sure there was nothing she started to reverse his body as soon as the wound closed she signed with relief then hugged him.

But he pushed him off her in rage 

Ben: WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING 

Y/N: what do you mean 

Ben: YOU COULD HAVE KILLED US WITH THIS LITTLE FUCKING STUNT 

Y/N: B-but i didn’t mean for any of this to happen i didnt even though i could do this 

Ben: I DON'T WANT EXCUSES YOU COULD HAVE KILLED US

y/n looked around the room her sibling now staring at ben yelling at her marcus came by to try calm ben down but he wouldn’t making marcus to just pull ben away from the situation. Sloane then cam by to comfort her 

Sloane: hey you know i don’t think this i your fault this was obviously an accident 

Due to her age being much younger now sloane couldn’t help but baby her a little bit even though she knew they were still the same age mentally 

Y/N: i know

She said in a sniffled voice. Sloane then decided to hug her in comfort 

But ever since that day everyone except sloane had avoided her most likely worried she would caused another outburst over the smallest thing. Which did happen eventually  Even thought you were mentally 17 your body and brain was of a 6 year old so there were time over the years where outburst had happened and that was when dad decided to build that room for you 

END FLASH BACK

Y/N: and thats how i got moved her. Once i started again properly it got easier to contain my outburst or prevent them by calming my self out or even realisimg the energy at a slowly and safely but sometimes it can still happen so i live for their safety 

That got the boy thinking bu you also said for you safety. By the way the room looked it was supposed to hold something either dangerous or of value 

Boy: you said before this was to pretect your family i understand why now but what is this room protecting you from 

This caused you the ause for awhile even though your intuitions said you could trust him you were still hesitant you knew nothing of him 

Y/N: I dont know anything about you so why should i tell you why im in here

The boy paused he didnt know if he could trust her but the possible information she help could really help or even slightly assist him 

Boy: fair enough what do you wanna know 

She smiled 

Y/N: everything 

He scoffed 

Boy: I dont have time for this 

y/n then grabbed his hand 

Y/N: but i do 

Light again emitted from her hands but this time her eyes glowed aswell but not as if she was about to cause an outburst but as if she was seeing things the boy just stared at her waiting for her to go back to her normal state and eventually she did 

Boy: what did you do 

Y/N: well if you have to know

She said in a sarcastic tone 

Y/N: had a look at your past 

Boy: what no. thats not possible 

Y/N: with me it is. I saw every single bit of your past even from when you were a baby five 

He looked at her shocked, she could definitely see his past 

Five: well shit i guess you can 

Y/N: and seems like you guys are going through it 

Five gave out a loud sign making his way to your couch and sat down y/n following and sitting down next to him 

Five: yup me are. But now that you know everything about me i need to know the other reason your in her 

After seeing his past y/n knew her intuition was right. But its never been wrong but seeing his past was just extra proof and an excuse to get to know him better. And without hesitation she told him 

Y/N: cause i can also see the future 

This cause fice to jump out of his seat and stare at where she was sitting 

Five: That impossible 

y/n then made a slight hissing noise as if to say okay maybe not the right way to say it 

Y/N: okay i can't see the future fully but i get bits and pieces from time to time and i got really good intuition about things that could happen. So its not fully seeing into the future more like saaaaay a sixth sense i just know feel if something is gonna happens nd sometimes i get picture or views of what it to happen and my job is just to piece together 

Five then looked at her with a squinted look 

Five: So that's why the old man keep you in here cause you can see the future i mean i get it you in the wrong hand is pretty bad but that can be just ot yes powerful but theres something else 

y/n then started to giggle in joying seeing that he can tell she was holding something back

Y/N: okay then you caught me but i dont wanna tell you so how bout i show you. Do you mind taking us to the fight 

Five looked concerned was she gonna help her family fight his or something else but he somehow trusted her 

Five: fine

He wrapped his arms around her shoulder and blinked them into the room seeing that both their familys were still fight and both familys noticing two children entered the room 

Umbrellas: FIVE

Sparrows:Y/N

They all said at the same time but still didn’t stop fight 

Y/N: now lemme show you 

She then lifted her hand as if to point at something and pointed at a random spot in front of her 

Ben noticed what she was about to do but was too slow to stop her

Ben: Y/N N-

Y/N: Boop 

Ben was too far to even try and stop her but good effort she thought 

She then turned to face five who looked dumbfounded 

Y/N: I can also stop stop time but only for about 1 min and about anything in a 50m radius of me so they were like this for 1 min unless i unpause the whole area or specific people 

She then started to make her way to the umbrellas touching their shoulders to unpause them they all look shocked at her why was she helping the 

She then walked by to five 

Y/N: think of this as a thank you for getting me out of that room can’t really leave unless dad lets me out and I dont like using people as hostages when they come visit so you getting me out was my ticket out so thank you

They all looked at y/n surprised turns out five was right she was basically a prisoner 

Y/N: now you have about 30 sec before they unpause of their own so you all better get going

Five decided to listen to her and take his family and leave now left alone wither her family she turns around to face them knowing she only has a few secs to speak her mind uninterrupted 

Y/N: i'm not going back into that room you make me and ill purposly cause the biggest outburst youve seen and not help any of you understand so dont even try it 

They all unpause ben tried to go at her but marcus stopped him no wonder he was number 1 and ben wasn’t. Ben shrugged marcuses hand off and walked off everyone did the same no one wanting to interact with you but marcus and sloane stayed 

Marcus: Welcome back 

He then walked away. He was always the diplomat so he was neutral to everything that happen in the house so makes sense for him to welcome you back 

After that sloane cam running to you 

Sloane: Ohhh my goodness i'm so glad you finally out of that box ive missed you so much 

Even though Sloane didn't visit as much as she used to, y/n knew it was probably the cause of Dad or the others

Y/N: I'm glad i can be with you again sis

Sloane: me too

[tmnt-obsessed-ace]

We know about how Ghost would react to your SSDF au but what about your original iteration tmnt: solar flare?

Idk if I should answer this since I have barely even TALKED about tmnt: solar glare on this blog. Let alone actually get the turtles ref sheets made. But on the other hand making Ghost suffer is very fun...

So Im doing it anyways

@bluepeachstudios Im borrowing the sad old man again (he's too much fun not too)

Putting it all under a read more because spoilers for a lot of major plot points in solar flare. If you dont wanna be spoiled dont look

You have been warned :)

The first thing Ghost would think is "How the shell are these kids not dead?" Because the turtles are absolute DANGER MAGNETS

These absolute idiots, on their first night being on the surface:

FOUGHT THE GODDAMN SHREDDER

NEARLY GOT KILLED BY THE SHREDDER

Got sent to the Spirit Realm

Got attacked by angry spirits

Accidentally CURSED themselves by messing with something they were absolutely not supposed to mess with

Barely escaped the Spirit Realm, now fully cursed

Accidently UNLEASHED dozens of angry spirits into New York

And to make matters worse they got discovered followed back home by a HUMAN (April)

That was NIGHT ONE

Ghost and his brothers were lucky, they only fought Mousers and the Purple Dragons on their first night

And it only gets worse

That curse I mentioned, it has pros and cons. The pros being that it can turn the boys into literal shadows, enhance their strength and speed, make them near completely invulnerable to attack, actually let them attack the previously untouchable spirits, (let then turn into giant shadow monsters), etc. The CONS on the other hand is that the curse is slowly KILLING THEM. Draining more and more of their energy, breaking their bodies a little more each time. And the more that the cool shadow abilities are used the faster the effects are, the worse they'll get and the longer they'll last. Yeah. Ghost would absolutely not have a good time with that. (And would most definitely devote as much time as he could to trying to create a cure or at least find a way to lessen the side effects)

Anyways then theres the matter of the Spirits running loose, very strong, very angry vengeful spirits. That cant be knocked out or killed, they have to be banished back to the Spirit Realm. Which is not at all an easy task. (And considering that the boys will at one point spend an entire WEEK fighting those ghostly fucks practically nonstop to the point that they dont even go back to the lair until they are literally about to pass out from sheer exhaustion...yeah not fun. Ghost might have to carry them all back home) And there's also the Shredder and his growing army of goons causing trouble. Point is Ghost is gonna have a REALLY hard time keeping the kids from constantly fighting for their lives against incredibly strong enemies instead of actually being kids. Poor Ghost

The constant stress and fear along is definitely straining the boys' relationships with each other.

Especially between Leo and Raph. The two closest siblings of the family. The ones that said they were twins and stood by that for their entire lives.

And now they're arguing practically all the time. Cant even go one mission without at least one argument. Leo making reckless plans thinking they'll work perfectly fine then panicking when things inevitably go south and Raph getting angry at him for "screwing up" only because Raph is absolutely TERRIFIED. And Ghost trying to be the mediator, but its hard when you have two incredibly stubborn sixteen year old boys at each other's throats. (Ghost is reminded of the many many Raph-Leo fights that his own Raphael and Leonardo used to have. Only somehow, these are worse.) It just escalates and escalates further and further until one night.

When Raph and Leo actually FIGHT each other.

And it ends when Raph full on quits the team and leaves. Leaves Leo alone on that rooftop, in the pouring rain. (Ghost will never forget that shocked, borderline horrified look on Leo's face as the reality and the guilt over what just happened sets in)

Raph doesnt come home.

Ghost thought he just needed time to cool off but he still doesnt come home. It gets to the point that he tracks the red clad turtle down.

Only to find him in the Footclan headquarters.

Raph had joined the Footclan because he was so tired of the fighting, the arguing.

(Obviously Ghost would go over there to try and break Raph out by any means necessary, even when Raph refuses to leave. He didnt want to join his family's biggest enemies but he was angry when he said yes and now he thinks he's in too deep to leave, even despite Ghost's attempts to reason with him)

Which leads to Leo to do something really, really, really stupid. Not saying what because major spoilers but it ends with him willingly offering himself up to be taken to another dimension in exchange for his family being spared the same fate.

What would happen to him there? Ghost doesnt know.

But that swirling white portal, his child being handcuffed and pushed through despite how hard everyone, Ghost included, is begging for this not to happen, no matter how hard he fights against his own restraints he cant free himself, it breaks something inside him.

All he can do is watch helplessly as Leo disappears into a portal, just like he did when he was sixteen himself, presumably to never be seen again.

Leo is gone for an entire month.

An entire of Ghost obsessively working on the portal with Donnie, trying so so hard to get it to work so they can find him. A month of trying to keep the family together and comfort his poor children who are falling apart at the seams. (Donnie doesnt sleep much anymore, trying so incredibly hard to get the portal working, even moreso than Ghost. Mikey teetering on the verge of a breakdown, going out with April and Casey to search for any signs of Leo every single night. Raph is consumed with guilt, it had been HIS fault that this whole mess happened, and now the poor boy is trying desperately to help his family while also trying to defect from the Footclan, which isnt easy.) A month of searching for the people that took Leo away, a month of hoping and praying that Leo was alright.

And then Leo comes home, with a white samurai rabbit in tow (Despite everything, Ghost finds it a little amusing that some things never change, even across dimensions)

He's different now. Quieter, not nearly as excited as he used to be. His arms and legs are completely wrapped up in black wrappings, up to the shoulder and upper thighs respectively. And he refuses to take the wrappings off. (He now has a slight limp on his right side, his brothers dont notice it but Ghost absolutely does.) And most importantly he refuses to talk about what happened when they were separated. Always saying "Its nothing." "I dont wanna talk about it." "There's nothing to talk about." "I'm fine."

Ghost is worried about him, obviously something happened. Something bad enough to turn the silly, dorky, hero-wannabe kid into this quiet, reclusive, guarded boy. Usagi knows as well but just says its not his story to tell.

Ghost tries to talk to him but every time he gets brushed off. (He did manage to figure out it somehow involved the Battle Nexus, from the tiny bits of information Leo shared. Though he highly doubts it was the same Battle Nexus he used to know) All he can do is provide comfort whenever Leo seeks him out, usually late at night and usually the result of a nightmare. (Which have become much much more frequent, only adding to Ghost's worry)

And unfortunately Leo is not the only one going through hell.

Because not long after Leo's return and Raph finally leaving the Footclan, Mikey gets captured. It would be bad enough if it was Shredder or the Krang. But it is so much worse and makes Ghost's blood run cold.

Mikey was captured by the EPF.

Ghost vividly remembers how a similar situation happened to him and his own Michelangelo. (How Mikey was almost dissected in front of him, how his own mid was torn apart for all the world to see. Bishop...)

The family hurriedly breaking into the EPF lab, hoping that they'll find Mikey in time.

They didnt.

Mikey wasnt as lucky as Ghost's Michelangelo.

Bishop, that sick twisted bitch, actually cut Mikey open.

Ghost's worst fear had been realized.

(Ghost never wants to see Mikey's bloody plastron and exposed ribcage ever again for as long as he lives. Watching his frantic heart gradually slow the more blood gushed out.)

And it only gets worse

Because Mikey, in a desperate last ditch effort to try and escape, he somehow activated a part of the curse that no one knew they had.

The ability to transform.

He had turned into a massive DRAGON made entirely of shadows (the only reason they knew it was him was because of the bright orange markings on the shadow dragon's body.)

And the dragon went on a rampage, obliterating the EPF lab including majority of the staff. (Unfortunately Bishop survived, which was a shame) and once the lab was destroyed it attacked New York, trying to tear everything apart in blind fear and panic. (Those terrified screeches will haunt Ghost for the rest of his life.)

It nearly killed them all trying to calm Mikey back down enough to get him home and stitched up. (And then clinging to Ghost like a scared koala for a very long time, not like Ghost can blame him.) And the worst part of this whole Dragon affair? Mikey cant CONTROL IT.

So that means the second his emotions get out of control, here comes the terrified dragon that will lash out at anyone perceived as a threat. (Which is anything that moves.)

And each time Mikey is beating himself up with immense guilt and fear that he will hurt the people he loves.

This is only the tip of the Solar Flare trauma train.

There will be more. (Raph and Donnie are gonna get their's too. So will April, Casey, and Splinter)

Other traumatic/weird events include:

Donnie getting kidnapped by Karai, which leads to April and their parents getting kidnapped. Which leads to April getting thrown off a building and Karai losing her entire arm. April is only 13 in this au btw so oh boy Karai better fucking run because once GHOST hears about that she might lose more than an arm.

Leo gets turned into a cat

Raph and Mikey get kidnapped by clowns

The boys get captured by an alien bounty hunter and taken to a completely different galaxy. Poor Ghost is gonna have an absolute heart attack.

The boys bring home a giant sea monster and keep it as a pet in the sewers. (They name it Jeffrey. Ghost left them alone for five minutes HOW DID THEY DO THIS?!?!)

Both RAPH AND LEO get thrown through the window in the Krang invasion. And Raph ends up in a coma (Leo already had his turn in a coma) Ghost having an absolute heart attack reliving this awful moment TWICE.

April's parents find out about the turtles (and later their paternal grandparents find out when the fam go to stay at their farmhouse)

The turtles are gonna be stuck in a timeloop for an entire month. (The entire month leading up to the Krang Invasion. They went from having a month to prevent it to only having a day and a half. Which is why the invasion happens.) Ghost will never forget that look of pure dread on his kids's faces when they looked up at the blood red sky filled with krangships. This is exactly what he didnt want to happen, his kids having to grow up too fast and get into problems far too big for them.

Also bonus: the turtles first meet Casey by literally RUNNING HIM OVER. The kids call Ghost frantically saying that they "accidently murdered someone what do we do?"

Poor Ghost, poor traumatized turtles

Lol

[morroodle]

Legoland day 2

The weather was much better today, mostly cloudy and some sun in the afternoon but comfortable overall and no rain so I got to do all the things I couldn't yesterday. We spent less time there cause my sister wanted to go home but I still had a blast. I'm very glad to be home now though the drive is hell and I missed my bed. Today's shenanigans include:

Went to the school of spinnitzu and learned how to do spinjitzu (there was a serve lack of jumping up, kicking back, whipping around or spinning so im doubtful, didn't even turn into a beyblade)

Built the messiest most fucked up lil snake at the good vs evil build. He was evil

Walked through miniland and had a blast, it was impressive and adorable and there were some really fun interactive bits including one that spits water (my dad found that out)

Strolled though the pirate and city areas but didn't do much cause lines were too long, thats fine though

Went back to the kingdom area and rode the dragon again. Just as fun the second time.

Waited in line for like 30 minutes for a sad little spinning ride that was absolutely not worth it

Saw the Master the Elements show. It was pretty cool, it was like some choreographed ninja moves with some special effects loosely themed around the elements. Then they brought the Lloyd mascot costume out and I lost any ability to take it seriously

Headed back to the ninjago area and reentered the ninja cube

Tried and failed again to win the ninja orb. Tragic, but I quickly recovered when we returned to

The ninjago store. This time we were there to buy and oh boy did I. Spent like $80 and do not regret it (I'll show what i got along with pictures tomorrow I'm tired)

Had some decent lunch and discovered that the $20 cup I bought has limited refills >:c

Went on the 5 hour drive home. Fun fact it was supposed to be 3.5 hours but kept getting fucked up

Anyways I am home now and very tired and my legs and feet hurt very much and i still have school tomorrow ;-;

Also you will be happy to know I got the last 2 stickers and now have the complete set :D

[regrettablewritings]

Modern!Jaskier x Reader Ship Meme

Prompts taken from this ship meme

Which one texts like a straight white boy?: Of course it would have to be our resident white boy. It isn’t even that he necessarily means to, there’s just an embarrassing amount of overlap between the messages a straight white boy tends to text, and those of your rising star boyfriend. You’d look more into it if it weren’t for the fact that you know there’s no actual malice in it, and because it’s just so sad that it’s funny. If one were to go into the photos saved on your phone, they would’ve surely come upon an entire album of screenshots you’d taken over the years, from when Jaskier would be on tour without you to when he’d just be resting at home while you were out at work. Things like: “Wat r u up to 2nit, cutie? ;)” “I’m probably just gonna play whatever’s on my Watch Later backlog on youtube until I conk out.” “Wild!!! anyway wat would u do if i was there rn~?” Or “Do u miss me? :(” “Of course I do ya dingus!” “Ok....Can we do a quickie over videochat?” “Jas i’m at the store.” “The point still stands.” Or “Watcha thinkin bout? ;)” “About how The Great Gatsby becoming public domain means there’s nothing stopping anyone from making a drag show interpretation called The Gay Dragsby.” “Aaww w/o me? ;)” “...” “WAIT NO I THOUGT YOU’D SAY YOU WERE THINKING ABOUT ME SHIT NO.” “BUT ACTUALLY DO GO ON IM KINDA INTERESTD.” If it were anybody else, you would’ve blocked them. But this wasn’t anybody else. It was your Jaskier: Your foolhardy, constantly horny, but never-short-of-loving Jaskier. And besides, not for nothing, at least they were something you could get a laugh out of.

Which one cried during a fucking Disney movie?: Once again, Jaskier is the guilty party. It’s no secret that he’s the more emotional of the two of you -- he wore his investment in Titanic with pride, after all. But it is a secret that the particular Disney movie to make him cry was Hercules of all things! Not Bambi, not The Lion King, not even Beauty and the Beast, but goddamn Hercules! (On another note, he also cried to Coco. But that barely counts: Literally everyone and their mother has cried during Coco. The only difference here was that Jaskier could relate to being a young man so in love with music while coming from a family that discouraged the pursuit of it.) This isn’t a knock on anyone who enjoys the movie, mind you, but let’s be honest: Out of the Disney animated canon, Hercules isn’t exactly the most . . . emotionally cathartic or heart-string-plucking of the bunch. But just because it didn’t go out of its way to create a crying frenzy doesn’t mean that it’s lacking in some humanity. It is, after all, still a Disney film. The problem is, Jaskier can’t even quite express why it made him cry the night you both decided to watch it. Maybe it had something to do with a young man most people took as a joke trying to achieve greatness? And to be fair, “Go the Distance (Reprise)” and “A Star is Born” differently when you’ve done some growing . . .

Who put a goddamned fork in the microwave?: It only happened once, but you’d never let him live it down. You like to joke that you’d left him to his own devices for just fifteen minutes so that you could take a shower -- of which was completely true -- and that was all he needed for things to go downhill. Nobody wants to think they’d be in the wrong for trusting a 20-something year-old to not be his usually somewhat distractable self. But that particular day, said 20-something year-old decided to occupy that little spot of time to himself with TV and a plate of leftovers. And normally this would’ve been fine and dandy. But normally, Jaskier would’ve just waited for the food to heat before searching for something to watch. It shouldn’t have been too big of an issue that it went the other way around that day, but apparently it was. As much as he wanted to (which honestly wasn’t by much), Jaskier just couldn’t tear his eyes away from the images flashing on the TV. The baby blues were set on the screen the entire while -- up until he heard a faint popping. Followed by a sound he normally only heard in a cheesy sci-fi movie. The problem was, he wasn’t watching anything even remotely science-fiction-y . . . All you were doing when you exited the bathroom was going to grab your lotion. That was literally all you had any expectations for. What you hadn’t expected to come upon was your boyfriend, hollering and diving over the sofa in order to scramble into the kitchen and stop that strange, not-good-sounding sound. Suffice to say, you had to put your shower on hold; it simply had to wait for you to finish fussing, then again for you to finish laughing your ass off. And again because if you entered the shower still laughing, you’d probably slip and break your head open and then Jaskier would have to deal with another possible emergency caused by himself.

Who does the silly hands-over-the-eyes “Guess who?” thing?: You can both be guilty of it, but Jaskier without a doubt does it more. Sometimes he’ll emerge from “his cave” (aka the little nook in the apartment where he likes to mess around and write lyrics or arrangements) on a break and catch an unsuspecting you sitting on the couch or at the dinner table. Other times, it could just be when he comes back from running some errands or doing a quick interview at the local radio station. You don’t mind it much . . . Especially since you can get a rise out of him by purposefully guessing the wrong person. (“Hmmm . . . Could it be . . . my mail-order husband? Boy, that was quick. And all the way from Russia, too . . .” “Uh, no.” “The milkman, finally accepting my invitation to commence a torrid love affair?” “Okay, you know damn well -- ” “Or better yet: My hopes and dreams have manifested, oh, Waluigi, could it really and truly be you!?” “What in the absolute fuck --”)

Who puts their cold hands/feet on their partner?: Because it’s usually himself who presents as being the more mischievous of the two, and because he tends to run the warmest, it always shocks Jaskier when you decide to play dirty and put your cold limbs all over him. Is it childish? Yes. But are his reactions to the sudden feeling of icy flesh hilarious? Also yes. You love to creep up on him when he’s tuning his guitar or scribbling down lyrics, or just minding his own damn business by trying to actually turn in relatively early for once. You love even more to watch him jolt and release the most high-pitched yip a man of his build could ever even joke about making. You’ll still be laughing about it as he scowls at you, cursing your “ghoul hands” and demanding to know if he’s dating a corpse at this point. Of course, no matter how peeved he might be, you can always count on one other thing from his dramatic reactions: Him huffily grabbing your hands into his own and rubbing them warm, or him forcing a park of fuzzy socks on your feet. And just for extra measure, you can be sure that he’ll spend the rest of the night holding you close or cuddling you -- “For exchanging bodily heat purposes,” he will always reason.

Who had that embarrassing reality TV marathon?: You both are guilty of it, actually. The question should really be, who is the least shameful about it. As with most things regarding a lack of shame, it was, of course, our dear Jaskier. Being a musician with a growing following, the little attention whore just can’t miss out on an opportunity to show himself off to his awaiting public. A rising star with relatability and a taste for trash? People eat that shit up! So you’ve learned to be less surprised every time he decides to liveblog himself watching things like Love Island or any of the 90-Day Fiancee spin-offs. In fact, in more recent times, you’ve come to join in with him, adding your own corresponding Tweets and commentary. Though don’t be too shocked once he starts holding polls and letting the public decide what show the two of you should watch next.

Who laughs more during sex?: You do, completely through Jaskier’s own efforts. Jaskier’s always had a pretty lax view of sex. This didn’t change when he met you, of course, but how he specifically portrayed that laxness did undergo some metamorphosis. Before, the entertainer was much more intent on his bedroom experiences being a display of power and an ability to please. Something dramatic and to be taken seriously. He still sees the importance of satisfaction in the bedroom, mind you, but with you, he can’t help but feel more . . . comfortable. With you, it’s a little more okay if he accidentally makes a dumb noise that in no way can be salvaged as sexy. With you, it’s a little more okay if he struggles to get his or your pants off, or if he struggles with removing your bra. And with you, he’s come to find that he’s a lot more okay with sharing a giggle or being a little more loose about things. It’s fine if your fingers tickle him or if he struggles to think of something proper dirty. But it’s even more fine if you think something he says or does makes you laugh, but not in a way that discredits his efforts. When you laugh, it shows that you’re comfortable with him. Comfortable enough to be with him, and be truly vulnerable. So do forgive him if he can’t help but run his fingers up your sides in a tickling fashion, or sloppily string together an innuendo. He simply loves how golden your laughter sounds, even in the throes of passion, intermingled with sweet whimpers and pleas of his name. How the heave of your chest and rippling of your tummy bumpily sync in with the rhythm of his thrusts . . . He just wants to see your smile, your genuine mirth, and bask in it with you. Besides, it serves as excellent song inspiration for him . . .

Who is the little spoon?: It depends on the sway of the day, really. As a whole, you both take turns without much thought simply because you tend to just fall into your positions. Some days, you just happen to lay into him in a way that makes you the little spoon. Other days, he conks out next to you in a manner that most could consider would make you the big spoon (or jet pack). Neither side really fights how it plays out unless one or the other may feel small and vulnerable, or just plain tired and in need of comfort. You often find yourself playing the role of the more dominating position during those first few days after Jaskier returning home from either a quick tour, or after finishing a long week of hours upon hours in the studio, or whatever kind of press-related nonsense his management team told him he needed to do. For as much as your boyfriend loved the spotlight, the truth was he was still quite capable of burning out and needing time to himself. Or, at the very least, just time with you. Even if that means he’s asleep for most of it, with you clinging to his back as he drifts off into a much-needed sleep. He makes sure to return it tenfold when you need just the same. Sure, your occupation may not be of the same nature as his own, but that didn’t mean you were in any less need of his cuddling. In fact, with him being gone as often as he was, Jaskier couldn’t help but feel almost guilty for not always being able to provide you with the basic comforts of being a constantly present boyfriend. Hence why the moment he would see your fatigued body crossing the threshold of your apartment, he would be all over you, ushering you into a quick shower, followed by a quick and simple dinner or snack, and capped off with him cuddling about you from behind. It didn’t matter if you’d come home right in the middle of a writing frenzy, or even if he’d been in the middle of searching for a breakthrough with an arrangement -- for as vain and bullheaded as Jaskier could be, he knew he owed you at least this much. You already put up with so much of his nonsense; this was quite literally the least he could do, both for you and for himself. Besides, he who was he to fight against the feeling of you wiggling closer into his hold, to deny himself the sound of your soft breathing as you lay yourself vulnerable to him? The fact of the matter is that he simply isn’t. He couldn’t be. Maybe in the beginning when things were still so unsteady and uncertain, but never now, when things had become so . . . well, what he could only describe as being “the both of you”. The both of you, molded and entwined, never wanting to let go. Never planning on it, either.

[helahades]

James and the Siren

(Prewar!Bucky x Black/WOC!Siren)

Summary: There’s magic in Brooklyn before the war. She takes the form of an alluring Siren with an appetite for predatory men. While at the beach one day, Bucky gets involved in something that draws Her attention. Will he live to tell the tale?

A/N: This is the surprise project! If you’re dead set on Greek Mythology accuracy, this is not the fic for you. I’ve definitely taken some liberties.

Im not sure if I’m planning to do a part two, but if y’all show interest in this, I’ll consider it! Quick shoutout to @xbuchananbarnes for being a lovely angel and betaing this and encouraging me all the way. Also to @invisibleanonymousmonsters for being the sweetest and helping me put my scrambled ideas together. ♥️♥️♥️Hope you enjoy!

Warnings: Two minor deaths. Creepy guy following someone. Injury. Blood mentions. Drafted, scared Bucky. Fighting. Drowning if you squint. Sad and confused Bucky. Overuse of cheesy water imagery. Me completely ignoring the reality of New York’s geography. I did what I wanted skskksk.

Word Count: 4.2k

—

Light.

Light like smooth honey.

Light like tree sap in glittering in the sun, spread across the sand in a broken mosaic, tumbling in waves to just barely provide the light Bucky needed to see his notebook.

The day feels so bright his eyes won’t open wide, and yet shaded in the trees, Bucky can’t see.

Shuffling with their branches, the leaves danced as the wind blew through them. Everything here seems to have its own rhythm, from the clouds stretching and inching across a leaden blue sky, to the filtered light leaping from one wave to the next.

These purities make Bucky feel like he can breathe, in a time that has been near suffocating.

He’s been sad.

Sergeant James. That’s all he is now. In a week or so, Uncle Sam will come to retrieve the body he is, and he will leave most things behind. It isn’t that he doesn’t want to serve—actually maybe he doesn’t. But is that so wrong?

He can’t understand why Steve wants it. He’s not foolish enough to think that punk has the same roots in Brooklyn anymore, not with Sarah gone, not with the way the guys around here treat him.. But Bucky can’t understand how Steve can be so…ready. He won’t say it to anyone, but he just doesn’t want to look Death in the eyes quite yet.

Bucky finds himself praying for some force to steal him away in the night. He dreams of things otherworldly.

Bucky finds himself trying not to think about how it will only be good news for his mother, who loves him, but whose wallet will breathe now that she’s not feeding a growing man along with her multiple daughters.

Bucky finds himself at the beach in Brooklyn, writing random things in a journal. He doesn’t know how to get the feelings out. He can’t write words on paper in a place his mother won’t eventually find and be heartbroken by them.

So he writes nonsensical things. He scribbles. He’s no artist like Steve, but it feels like it's enough. And he watches the glistening shores, waiting for what lies beyond—or at least what he hopes exists.

Jenny and Dot and Nancy and all the girls say there’s something big in these waters. Maybe it’s someone who swims. But maybe... it’s magic. Maybe it’s some sort of impossible magical creature that makes dreams come true.

That’s what they tell Bucky behind their giggles, but really they know She’s a protector.

—

One day, Jenny was walking home, and felt a strike of ominous energy in her heart. She had taken the long way, because she likes to see the clear waters of the ocean. Sometimes it feels like nothing else is clean in New York.

But as she came upon the beach she cursed herself for this choice, and hurried along the sidewalk that overlooked it all, for she felt someone walking towards her, and with intention. Hearing a chuckle from behind, that was closer than it should be, she realized the man must have noticed her change in body language and begun to advance upon her.

Step.

Step.

Step.

It took everything within her to refrain from breaking into a run, but she was wearing her fancy shoes, and wasn’t confident in her ability to run in them. She wonders if she’s out of normal step, and tries to walk to the beat of her heart, only to find that it’s racing. Clutching the sides of her skirts, she breathed in deep and let it out into the salty air. If he would hurt her, she certainly wouldn’t show him fear.

As if she could see into the time not yet passed, and knew all would be fine, she started to breathe again, tension beginning to unwind from her veins. Then a wave of it hit. It was power and reassurance, like a hug from a mother, like a proud smile from a teacher.

Jenny chanced a look behind her in the same moment. The man was frozen. He was desperately looking to the rocky shores in the distance below them, no longer pursuing her.

Somewhere inside was screaming to her that it was time to go home. But everything was heavy and light and fresh, and she was feeling the strange seduction of the waves too.

She took one—two scooping steps backwards in alarm when the man urgently began to move again. Only, he was stumbling down the bouldered bank in a rushed, yet somehow lethargic shuffle. As he finally got into the sand and clambered onto the rocks overlooking the ocean, a head breached the water!

Dark cascades of curly hair wrapped around and around in tight coils, and curtained the sides of her angelic face.

She was alluring, and glowing bright and faded, as living moonlight. Her skin was deep brown and cool, like driftwood or seashells, also washed by the sin she consumed.

Jenny would have been surprised at their breath holding skills, had her soul not already known the truth. For just a fraction of a moment, the being’s energy was focused on her, before the attraction released Jenny, and safety flowed through her and guided her home.

Then. They turned on the man, and he leaped into the depths.

No man bothered Jenny again after that day.

—

“—not a soul heard from that chump again!”

“It’s them canary lookers by the beach!”

Bucky sat and tried to process. The fellas that hung around the dance hall had all sorts of stories.

But he’s a smart kid. Smart enough to put two and two together.

When the girls all talked about this creature that supposedly lives in the beach waters, they speak of it—of her— as some sort of guardian angel, maybe a friend.

When the guys tell it, she’s a man eating broad that swims naked and eats innocent family men. Every guy knows another one who hasn’t come back after hearing a smooth song and wandering down to the beach like they were possessed with something wild.

A man of science, as Bucky believes himself, but a dreamer all the same, he wants to believe the truth lies somewhere in the middle.

—

Bucky can’t deny the beach has its magic.

He feels alone at school, at the diner, walking the streets, sometimes even with Steve.

At the beach though, things are alive and awake. He doesn’t understand why some guys can’t stand the place. Some guys, and Bucky sees no coincidence in it being the shadier ones, feel as though they’re being watched if they edge too close to the coarse sands.

To Bucky, there is energy, but it just feels like peace. Peace that is much needed as he reconciles maybe never returning home after shipping off. Notebook forgotten, Bucky looks out across the cerulean waters and tries to make out waves as far as he can before the blur of them mixes with the skyline. He’s already sweat out the gel in the front of his hair, and some of the growing strands are ruffling in the salty wind.

Just then, a couple guys from school waltz down the hillside behind him, and begin walking down the beach, laughing obnoxiously and making jokes all the way down.

Roy and Charles. Maybe the only two people Bucky's age in the city that match him for size and strength. They love to let the world know. They’ve given Steve one too many rough looks, and frazzled too many skirts for Bucky to be comfortable with them.

Roy has stick straight mahogany colored hair that never seems to be without a perfectly gelled style. He will abandon dates if he dances too long and fears he might have sweated it out. Standing just a bit taller than Bucky, he was stocky, blocky, and cocky. He will soon, like Bucky, outgrow the food budget of his parents.

Most kids from school think he’s been big since birth. He must have gone straight from baby to man, or been delivered here by a bone tired stork, some say. For all that muscle and size, there is not a bone of charm in him, or anything interesting about him. His skin is a dull beige. He tries to make up for all of this by being as loud and obnoxious as he can, filling up any room with his desperation.

Charles has all the charm. The whispers say that Roy follows him hoping to catch a personality. With loose blond curls and granny smith sweet eyes, he can turn on his games, and dames, in just an instant. He seems to have a permanent flush of the skin, enhancing the smattering of freckles across his nose. He is lean and lanky, and just as tall as Roy. Something about him unsettles Bucky. Charles seems to always be thinking something strange, and every girl who ever loved him has always regretted it.

They both thought it was a shame Bucky refused to hang with them, and held a strange reserved animosity towards him at the rejection. What are they doing here though?

They secretly feared the depths. It was only when Bucky noticed Roy’s sloshed stumbling that he felt dread wash over him. Once they reached the bottom of the hill, Charles patted Roy on the back and turned to leave, as if he had only come to escort his friend.

How strange, Bucky thinks.

In a moment of weakness, Bucky looked down, not caring to be caught watching the waves. He’s not sure why.

Bucky decides to leave the drunken Roy to his business. If he does something stupid wandering the beach, that is his own problem.

That is…until he saw Roy wasn't just relaxing or wandering. Jenny was further down the beach, standing just where the tide won’t touch her. Loose from her usual tight curls, her hair waved like a banner in the breeze as she stood watching every movement of the tide. She’s a liberated picture, like she found out how to breathe, like there’s nothing to fear, and Bucky would have kept admiring, had he not severely doubted the intentions of the meathead making his way closer to her.

He found himself on his feet, and followed after the young man. Now there were two suspicious gazes on Roy…and one on him.

Following carefully, he was slightly behind when Roy arrived at where Jenny was.

“Ya floozie,” Roy slurred before stepping closer, “think nobody knows what you did to my Uncle Kenny?”

Still watching the waves, Jenny made no indication she had heard him at all. Roy took a deep breath, like he was ready to yell. Before he did, she finally looked his way.

“What malarkey,” she spat, looking up into his eyes.

Stepping closer to the tide she kept her eyes on Roy, and noted Bucky looking at her just behind him, trying to decipher the intensity in her stare.

“No one did a thing to him that he didn’t already have comin’.”

Turning red, darkness bled into his stare as he lunged for Jenny. Running up just behind, Bucky tackles him into the water, falling in beside him.

Roy scrambles up into the sand and locks eyes with Bucky, standing bristled, like a cat given an unwanted bath.

“This ain’t your fight, Barnes! That tramp’s gonna learn!”

“Give it a rest Roy…”

“That lyin’ bat,” he continued to slur, “All these dames lie! Now somebody’s gotta pay, and it was this floozie who gave him up to—“

Roy vaguely gestured to the ocean and became distracted, considering something else for just a moment.

Then Roy turned to Bucky, who had put himself between him and Jenny. Shivering in the breeze that suddenly felt frigid, his eyes seemed to turn wild. Roy began to pat down his soaked slacks frantically, as if fearing he lost something in the gritty tide.

On alert now, Bucky prepared for a fight, moving himself in closer to block him from getting to Jenny. Then he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Leave him be, Bucky,” she pleaded, only now stirred by the thought that Bucky could be hurt. She didn’t know if her protector could stop this.

Bucky couldn’t stop to consider why Jenny didn’t fear for her own safety, because with a brash guffaw, Roy’s desperation blew away as he found what he had been looking for. A glitter of a threat gleaned off Roy’s shiny blade, and he seemed to sober up, drunk on something else. Bloodlust.

“Walk away, Barnes.”

“You first.”

Bucky started to take a deep breath of the salty air in preparation, but had to cut it short when Roy lunged. Instinctively throwing one arm out behind him to shield Jenny, Bucky left himself open.

One free arm and a bad stance in the uneven sand wasn’t enough. A burst of pain and heat stretched across his chest in an instant.

Grunting, he pulled both arms forward and shoved Roy. Hard. Roy stumbled, but managed to keep on his feet, throwing a crossbody punch that Bucky knocked out of the way, using Roy’s momentum against him. Using that opening, Bucky swung a fist into Roy’s unguarded side just under his ribs. That took him down.

From the ground, Ray scooted back as Bucky advanced on him. A wet blob of chunky sand sailed through the air, and Bucky coolly side stepped, evading it. It would have directly hit his chest wound.

Looking like a cornered animal, Roy stopped scooting away, and when Bucky got close enough, he swung his foot up right into Bucky's groin.

Bucky was down too now, and after catching his breath, Roy was the first to get back on his feet.

Trying to fight the fire in his nerves, and the rough sand tearing at his chest wound, Bucky yelled with all his might as he writhed in the sand.

“Jenny, RUN!”

She backed up in a daze, from where she had been watching with worry, and the gravity dawned on her, just a moment too late. Turning abruptly, having no choice but to take her eyes off Roy, her chunky heels pounded sloshing wet splashes through the soaked sand.

Four of her strides were one and a half of Roy’s. But now Bucky was up, and he ran after them both, intending to tackle Roy and wrestle the knife away.

It began like a change in the air. A frequency finding itself, humming with the tune of the moon pulling the tide, and adjusting to its prey. It was like the evening cicadas, until it rounded into something lovelier. It had a sonorous resonance, like the cry of a damsel worn by a widow sneaking around her net, waiting for entanglement.

It was rich like a church choir and seductive like sin. Both Roy and Bucky were frozen upon hearing the melody. The familiar feeling of protected comfort washed through Jenny, but she immediately felt dread at realizing Bucky was also in a trance at the siren song.

“Not him,” she breathed.

Then, She appeared.

The melody grew into a spiked honey of sorts, warming with command. The men straightened from their tense stances, and inched ever so slowly toward the water.

Her song grew sharper, and she rose higher from the water, scales like gold scattered on her arms, sensuality running down Her neck and chest like flowing oil.

Finally, Jenny ran to Bucky and threw herself into his arms with a shriek, pressing her cool palms to either side of his face.

“Not him!”

The song swallowed her pleading. It had been seen. The girl. Two men after her.

First it was Roy. He took big steps forward, Her allure magnetic to sin, and the ocean swallowed him suddenly, as it does.

She flipped back then, slick abdomen curling over the surface before a long emerald tail followed, entering the water silently, sending ripples that Bucky reached out to touch. Still looking desperately at Bucky's greying eyes, and trying to hold him back, Jenny began to cry.

“Oh please, Bucky, please. I never would wish this on you. I'm not sure what you’re hearing, but don’t listen! You’re too good.”

Bucky wanted to breathe. He’s been so tired. The waves call him.

When She returned, Jenny felt it before seeing it. She studied Jenny. Torn lovers had, on occasion, tried to rescue bad men from the curse. For just a moment, she reserves judgement, wondering if this is that. She studies Bucky. Sees the gash across his chest. Puts it together. Then she’s gone.

Bucky falls to his knees and the clouds seem to wash out of his vision, his familiar diamond eyes blooming back to their shade. He lets out a shaky breath, and Jenny throws her arms around him. They stay there, on their knees, startled in the sand, before Jenny pulls herself up, a funny look on her face as she looks at his wound.

“Y-You stay. Stay right here, James! I’ll get somebody!”

When the tide washes in and back, the sand and shells part to reveal the knife. Bucky snatches it up and presses it into Jenny’s hand without thinking, looking at her intently.

She shivers at the silent message, but knows it's not her who needs the protection. Then she runs, hoping to find someone who will know what to do. She wonders as she leaves... what life will be with Roy dead and gone. She wonders what Becca Barnes will say if she sees her at school if life never returns to her brother. Will Bucky ever tell what happened today? She sure won’t.

As Jenny disappears into the distance, Bucky realizes the clouds have eaten up all the direct sunlight. He stares in the direction Jenny left, still there in the sand, trying to process what happened. Where’s Roy? Is Jenny alright? Can he die from this cut? Would that save him from the war?

He absentmindedly looks to the water, before gasping and freezing in place. The creature is back. It had saved Jenny… sure. That was good. Bucky never liked Roy, but now he’s dead, maybe, and that’s a lot to reconcile. Now it’s staring at him again. Will it—She—sing him into another spell? What does She want?

Her eyes melt from whiskey brown to honeyed gold in an instant as she assesses his pain. Twirling where she is, she lies on her back in the water, with the slow fanning of her multi gem colored tail propelling Her languidly across his field of vision. This allows Bucky to take in Her captivating form. Now that She doesn’t deem Bucky a threat, everything about Her is warm from Her eyes to the undertone of Her skin. He can’t believe what he’s witnessing, and considers the fact that he may have died already.

Stretching Her arms behind her head, she paddled both arms in full motions until She reached the cool, flat stone She had been searching for. It extended from the sand into the sea, and was littered with weeds and grit from the high tide. With a casual turn of Her wrist, the debris parted down the middle and slid off into the water.

Twisting towards the flat rock, She planted two surprisingly human hands onto it and pulled Herself gracefully and easily atop it. Lying flat on Her stomach, She curled her golden emerald tail up toward the sky, then further toward her body. Finally deciding she was comfortable, after lying her head on crossed arms, she regarded Bucky again.

He felt a pull towards Her, like a silk lasso on his heart, but it was softer than before. She wanted him to choose. It was, of course, impossible for him to resist Her, and he was up, walking the stretch of the beach it took to close the distance. Coming to kneel next to Her, he was closer than he had ever been, and was transfixed by Her beauty. He also noticed that she seemed to be wrapped up in the water's surface tension, for it seemed to glide over Her skin, even when She was out of it. It parted for a moment though, when Her eyes flickered up to meet his, and She, once again, grabbed ahold of his soul.

A wave of sedative-like calm overtook Bucky, and he only watched as She assessed him. Rising off of her arms, Bucky rose too as She reached for his chest and placed gentle, and surprisingly warm, hands on either side of the gash. With sweetly sure and surely piercing golden eyes still on him, She rolled her palms against his chest, pulling sand from him and his skin back together in just a moment. Then, with a final palm in the center, where the gash had previously been, Bucky’s face twisted into something comical as he felt something beneath the newly healed skin shift, and the pain disappeared.

Propping Herself on one sinewy arm, She reached for his face with the other, gently pressing a palm to his cheek, gently curling Her fingertips, and rubbing small motions with a gentle thumb. She appeared somber for a moment, then almost mournful as She looked into his baby blues, reading something he couldn’t see.

“Thanks,” Bucky said softly, wincing at how croaky he suddenly sounded.

She hummed a small confirmation and it flowed easily through the air, like the sound of bells or wind chimes. Pulling Her hand back from his face, She lowered Herself mostly into the water, crossing Her arms at the edge of the stone and gazing up at him.

He had so many things he wanted to say, but the surrealism of this moment was making abstractions of his thoughts. It hits him. There's magic in Brooklyn, and there had been all along. It feels right, but wanting to believe, and being made to see no other truth are two different frames of mind. He is still having trouble processing. Is Roy dead? Is Jenny okay?

Will Steve be okay without him? Bucky knows he’s strong, hell, Bucky would say Steve is stronger than him. Steve has got enough determination and courage in one finger to win several wars. Put him in a healthier body, and that punk would be unstoppable.

Actually, Bucky is sure everyone will be okay when he leaves. He’s glad about that in many ways, but in many others, it just makes him feel like a grain of sand, respective to the universe. He knows everyone will be okay. Bucky is just not sure about himself.

As if She could read the focus of the lines of stress etched into his face, Her gaze focused intently, and She began to think of how to word Her sentiments. She reached to hold his icy hands in Her warm ones, and Her eyes darkened to an amber brown as She grew less playful, gently somber.

“Everything changes, James,” his name was a lullaby from Her mouth, and he could not help but to listen, “that sort of…”—

—she paused thoughtfully, trying to find the word.

“That sort of fluctuation,” she continued, “is the only thing that is sure in anyone’s existence.

Some part of him was melting into ease, but he still was not sure what she meant.

“You will not be afraid. Not forever. Even once you have...left. Nothing will stay as it is.”

She looked, sort of at him, but more so beyond, as if there were some greater picture, as if she could see his soul.

“What is forever, is the gracious creature you are. And not a soul can take that from you, James. Not a soul.”

She raised one hand out of his gentle grip, straight to his heart, where his old wound once was. Now calm, and entirely transfixed, he realized, She has now healed him twice. Then She pulled away.

He feels the finality of the moment, he tries to rush and say something else.

“R-Right now they say it should only be a year...or two. But then I’ll be back.”

Eyes falling shut, She pulls in and releases a slow breath, and Bucky can't tell if it's the water of the sea gliding down Her cheeks.

“You will be back. And we will see each other again.”

Reaching a hand to his face, She presses a couple of fingers to his forehead, and his eyes flutter closed. He slumps into a sleep, and before he falls, She raises both hands, bending the energy behind him, and She slowly lies him down in the sand.

“Goodbye, for now, James,” she whispers, trying not to mourn the pain of his future lifetime, before disappearing into the depths.

—

“—ucky, Bucky, Bucky, JAMES!”

Jenny shook him with all her might, tears threatening to spill. When Bucky’s eyes open, he becomes distressed too.

“Heya doll, easy! I’m alright, I swear it.”

She gasps in a shaky breath before they pull each other into a long hug. A few seconds in, he looks over her shoulder and out to the depths. Trying to get a grasp on the events of today, he hopes it all wasn't a dream. Then, he remembers Her words.. He suddenly feels warm, emotions rushing back in a flurry.

He gets the sudden ache to see his family, to see Steve, to go dancing. After all...

Nothing will stay as it is.

—

lovely darlings who are very inspirational:

@xbuchananbarnes @threeminutesoflife @invisibleanonymousmonsters @honeychicanawrites @thorsthot @avintagekiss24 @sapphirescrolls @jtargaryen18 @propertyofpoeandbucky @papi-chulo-bucky @tropicalcap @smollest-soybean

[og-danny-dorito]

Bucky Barnes SFW Headcanons

a new hyperfixation to avoid my growing anxiety with my personal life? yall already know whats up, and i'm feeling angsty so brace yourself

PUBLISHED :  2 - 17 - 20

S F W : 

- to start off of a positive and happy note (jk you already know thats not how it works) its very likely that upon first meeting, any touch directed towards him is met with an alarmed grunt and/or a slap of your hand away

- anything unsolicited makes him nervous and uncomfortable, so if you really do want to pat his shoulder or hug him or something like that you'd have to ask if it's okay first. now it's pretty easy to see the reasoning behind this but for those doubting it i will explain

- big man has been trained to kill in hand to hand combat and advanced weaponry and countless other things, meaning that he's pretty much wired by this point to have a gut reaction that automatically goes to the fight or flight instinct. it doesn't make logical sense that he wouldn't get uncomfortable and jumpy at loud noises and unsolicited touching since his ptsd has accumulated over the years to MAKE him react like that. he doesn't want to accidentally punch you in the teeth

- like yeah he's all tough and shit and could break the a dude’s neck if he really tried, but the issue is that once his walls are broken down he's sort of akin to that of a regulated killing machine having to redo its wiring to be “normal” again. the transition itself would be traumatic, but the process of initiating it would be even more difficult

- so that means that in the first few months of his recovery, he probably would do a lot of absent-minded staring and just long spells of silence where he just doesn't do anything. it's sort of like a reloading point for his brain, and he starts to pick up the habit of daydreaming a lot. sometimes you'll have to say his name a few times to snap him out of it, but when he does come to he looks a little embarrassed

- it's not that easy to elicit an emotional reaction out of him. you'd have to be fairly close with him to actually get most responses out of him that are more than a word long, and so thus starts my favorite trope; hard depressed kill man falls for person who just Keeps Trying

- it's not that easy to get under his skin, but meeting him somewhere normally and constantly talking to him will probably start to make him feel more encouraged to speak in the sense of making normal conversation

- he's a little awkward so in this case patience goes a long way (as does with pretty much everything with him). it gets to the point where after a month or so he may feel weird if he doesn't talk to you at that specific time of the day. if he's grown that fond of you he'll even go out of his way to ask a few people where you are

- part of him hates getting this attached for a number of reasons. there's that nagging feeling in the back of his mind that his environment is temporary and getting attached to the things and people there will hurt him more than he'd like. while he knows that it's not temporary, that he's not leaving anytime soon and probably won't for a while, it all goes back to the killing machine thing

- when he was under hydra’s control, the only thing that was certain was the base he resided in and it's hard to come out of a state of mind where the only thing you know to be continuous is your continued existence as a tool. the place itself brings back horrible memories, but you get what i mean

- so initially he may resist conversation for that very reason

- he tends to pick up on details more than anything, and most of your smaller traits tend to make him quickly used to you. like for instance, if you're prone to pursuing your lips and narrowing your eyes at something odd you've heard or seen, he might find it cute mentally and then immediately correct himself for it. if you tend to snort a little and roll your eyes when you laugh, he's going to notice that and MAYBE try to pay more attention when something funny is said to hear it again

- i would generally think that he doesn't really have much a type or preference at all. in fact, i'm pretty sure the only thing he seemed consciously aware of that he likes in a partner is ability to understand. cause if you can't forgive him for the things he's done and see why he does what he does now, he can't bring himself to feel like he needs to go through all of his self hatred and doubt more intensely than he already is

- he probably is asexual as well but that's sort of iffy considering he's canon been in sexual relationships so that's a maybe. but he's definitely demiromantic. it's not that easy for him to find people attractive anymore. when he starts to get to know you better he starts feeling some sort of way and picking up on MORE details that you may not even notice yourself

- bucky is also incredibly skilled at remembering things you might've said a month ago and completely forgot about. some find this off putting and that's understandable, but when it comes down to it, its a product of sorta okay memory

- “My cousin almost flipped his car over this week.”

- “Phillipe?”

- “Uh, yeah. How did you...?”

- “You mentioned him two weeks ago... when he almost fell of your roof the week before.”

- “I did?”

- remembers dates, names, eye colors, and a multitude of other things, so sometimes he'll just mention something important you may have forgotten and pretend like he definitely wasn't paying too much attention to you. it's surprising how good his memory is even though he can't remember any of his past. so this most likely means that he has issues with remembering events and how they happened, but not the details of them. like how you can remember your shirt color a few week s back but not what you did while wearing that shirt

- and on that note, he kinda shuts down if he gets a weird flashback in the middle of something. they're mostly triggered by smells and sounds, but sometimes if he sees something while he's walking down the street he'll just stop and stare at it. it's best just to stop and stare at it with him, or alternatively if you don't want stares, act like you're taking a picture. but don't talk to him while it's happening cause it'll interrupt the train of thought and derail him completely

- he tends to talk a lot about things if he's grown very invested in them (he's very good at keeping focus). if you're out walking together or just sitting down he might stare and absentmindedly reach out to touch you before stopping himself at the last minute. gently grabbing his hand and placing it wherever he wanted to touch makes him flustered every time. that and hes super soft but is afraid to be vulnerable around anyone

- just gently grabbing his hand makes him all mushy, and it’s more often than not that he finds himself weak when someone shows pretty much any form of affection or endearment towards him

- probably not into pda though, not that much. he will hold your hand if you want to, but don’t expect to like sit in his lap or like straight upstart kissing in public cause any attention in a public setting makes him nervous

- really likes a kind of homey s/o. someone who likes to cook or bake or whatever makes him feel a little bit like he doesn't have to worry about something for a while. like if he comes home and dinner is just waiting on the table for him or you’ve already drawn a bath for him and/or made the bed or whatever, he literally appreciates that above pretty much anything else

- love language is most likely acts of service. hes not very good with words unless he like thinks it out beforehand, but pretty much buys you gifts all the time because he likes seeing you light up when you see them. he does try to spend as much time as he can with you but either anxiety gets the best of him or hes literally too busy, and so it ends up being more distant with him coming over a few times during the week, even if you live together. and we already know the deal with physical touch so im not gonna restate my strong belief in “big man has trauma no touch big man unless A S K”

- but a lot of the things he does are situational. one day he may be very down to be super affectionate and the other he’ll be painfully distant, but the main issue with all of it is that hes very very bad at communication

- this poses an issue for a number of reasons, but his responses and reactions are more physical than anything. so for instance, if hes uncomfortable with something he’ll start to shift and stare and be very tense the whole time it’s occurring, or if he’s feeling a bit more sad or depressed he’ll isolate himself and consistently stand slouched or look as if he hasn't gotten enough sleep. it’s mostly body language, but after a while he’ll feel safe enough to tell you how he feels about certain things

- this takes a while to actually happen, but when it does he manages to just,,, say things that are on his mind. like you’ll be reading or scrolling through your phone or whatever and he’ll randomly be like “The table has a lot of scratches on it.” it’s just observations he has, but usually it translates to him wanting to change the stated fact. best thing to do is just to roll with it, since hes practically learning how to communicate again and he’s picking up on things socially

- now let's get to the “a little fluffy” and “kinda-already-known” shit, shall we?

-  miscellaneous headcanons;

gets jealous pretty easily in the early stages of your relationship, but only ever indicates this by staring the person in question down and refusing to admit to it later

likes having his hair put up into cool hairstyles and likes colored rubber bands (or hair ties if youre not where i'm from). seriously, he may loose his shit if you just like put cool braids in his hair one day like hes a viking or whatever

kind of tone deaf but his singing is more of like this raspy and slightly more “Misty Mountains” vocals sounding

is touch sensitive, so even doing something as small as like rubbing your thumb on his arm makes his hair raise on end

doesn't like his metal arm at all and quite obviously wears long sleeves all the time to hide it, but occasionally wears short sleeves when he's feeling less insecure

oh, super insecure btw and THATS why he feels all mushy when someone is kind to him because he KNOWS he's a freak and that he's weird but you're not still being sweet??? too pure, must protect

gives great hugs since he practically smothers anyone he meets with them, but is also basically a walking heater

is terrified of the idea of taking care of children or just anything weaker than him, but is good with them since they always hang on his arms and hold his legs when he walks

super strong

likes sweets a whole lot, specifically fruity sweets like apple pie or peach cobbler. never bring those wallmart cakes or whatever near him cause it'll be gone in like an hour flat unless you tell him to leave you some

- in conclusion, he needs therapy and probably won't be very responsive when he's not sure what to do. it doesn't mean he loves you any less, but he may have a hard time communicating it to you. all he really needs is some patience and a bit of understanding, and he'll get better with the whole s/o thing soon enough. cause you mean the world to him, and he doesn't want anyone or anything to make you feel like less than that

[scentedbygunpowder]

Moms Made Fullmetal Week, 2019 Day 5: Comfort/Anger/Release Word Count: 2816 Author: Katie/Ally (scentedbygunpowder) Rating: G Characters: Mama Havoc (Marie), Jean Havoc, Papa Havoc (Thomas); Mentions: Havoc siblings and relations, Roy Mustang, Riza Hawkeye, Heymans Breda Summary: Marie Havoc considered herself a good mother. But that didn’t mean that it was always easy. And when her eldest son is facing his toughest challenge yet, Marie has to figure out what it means to be a good mother in these circumstances.

~*~

Comfort/Anger/Release

Marie Havoc considered herself to be a good mother. Her children seemed to consider her that too. But sometimes she had no idea what a good mother would do for her children. That was especially true now.

Marie stood behind the counter of the Havoc general store and watched. Her eyes stayed glued to her eldest son as he—well, she couldn’t really say “stood” any more could she?—outside where the little ones from around were playing. He was tossing a ball around with them, the kids begging him to throw it as far as he could, and he would throw it hard, sending it further away than anyone else could. The kids delightedly chased after the ball laughing and scrambling after it. Jean laughed too, but as the kids ran off, part of the light in his eyes died. It might not have been as obvious to anyone else, but a mother knew.

“Ma—you’re gonna get a wrinkle between yer eyes if ya don’t stop that.”

Marie’s attention snapped back from the window and to her daughter, who was grinning up at her from where she was replacing some of the stock they kept in the front of the counter. Her hand flew up to her forehead. “Was I doin’ it again?”

Bethany straighten up and nodded. “Yes ma’am. Ya had that look again, the one ya get when ya look at Jean when ya think he’s not lookin’.” She looked out the window at him, too, as the kids ran around back and he wheeled after them, and put her hand over her mother’s. “He knows, ya know. He’s not always the sharpest tool in the shed, but Jean’s observant. He knows how ya worry.”

Marie smiled at Bethany and gave her hand a pat. “It’s a mother’s job to worry,” she said. “Especially when her child’s been through somethin’. Mind the store, will ya?”

Bethany nodded, and walked behind the counter, switching places with her mother. Marie walked towards the back of the store, and through the back, into their home. This store had been here a long time, and when it had been built, it had been built with the store in the front, and the house attached in the back. It was both a blessing and a curse at time, but Marie didn’t give much thought to it anymore. It was as it was, and she had accepted it when she had married Thomas. Right now it afforded her a quick trip into her domain—the kitchen.

There were a few dishes left in the sink, and she set to them, cleaning them up and giving her hands something to do. She needed to think for a few moments. He was so sad, her Jean. He had always been active. It had been obvious from early on that he wasn’t going to be the smartest in the bunch of kids. He was by no means stupid, none of her kids were. They were very well educated and made good grades. But Jean had always struggled more with it then her other children, although he never got jealous about it, always happy for his younger siblings when they understood something. Yes, he had had his insecurities about it, but he had bore them quietly, and instead focused on what he was good at.

Jean’s strengths had always lied more in the physical and untestable. The boy had always been active, always moving, always doing things. He never hesitated to stop to help someone, to do what he could for them. He had a big heart, and a way of just knowing when someone needed something, even if he didn’t always know what that something was. He would gladly go out of his way to help a friend however he could. Those were his strengths.

And now, it seemed, that had been stripped from him. He was lost, and he needed to know that he was still useful, still capable, still good. His insecurities had returned, only this time more potent because he was a man now, not a boy, and his ability to stand strong like he was supposed to had been taken from him. He needed to know he was good for more than just answering phones and throwing balls for kids.

Marie’s hand dried the last dish, and she heard that now-familiar sound of wheels across wooden planks. He must have come up the ramp his father and brothers had built for him, and across the porch. She could see him, as he stopped and looked out into the distance. The kids must have gone somewhere he couldn’t anymore, and it must have rankled him. After all, he grew up running around this countryside.

A thought occurred to her, and she leaned out the window. After all, he had always found comfort in her baking. “Jean? Jean, darlin’, can you come give me a hand?”

Jean looked up, a little surprised, but then wheeled his way towards the screened door, pulling it open with its customary creak, and maneuvered his way inside. “Ma? I thought you were watchin’ the store?”

“Bethany’s gonna watch it for a mite. I had the passin’ urge to do some bakin’ before these apples go bad. You know what a waste that would be. But I could use a hand with some of the mixin’. Ya mind givin’ yer old mama a hand with that?”

He gave her a gentle smile, the one that was just for her, and agreed. “You’re not old, Ma. But sure I’ll give you a hand. Dunno how much help I’ll be, but I can try.”

There he went again, disparaging on himself, and Marie just kept her tongue on it. She had been calling him out on it every time, but Thomas had warned her about doing it too much. After all, he had reminded her, she didn’t want to shut down the grieving he had to be doing about his legs and his former life.

But her feelings on that and his Colonel were another story.

“I’m sure you’ll do just fine. Ya always were a mighty help in the kitchen.” She said firmly. She started doling out directions, at first just asking him to do simple things, like measure out ingredients and such, but after a bit she was asking him to get things or do things that she had been doing. He was doing better at it then she was sure he had thought he would, even if there were some areas he wasn’t able to do yet. When they finished, up, she made them both a cup of coffee and they sat at the table, waiting for the apple turnovers to bake.

“—and that was when we figured out that Heymans had a huge fear of dogs!”

Maria laughed as he finished recounting the story to her, enjoying it, even if she had swatted him a bit at the “joke” he had made about eating the poor pup. “Well I can’t say much for that Lady Lieutenant’s namin’ skills, but I bet she takes good care of that pup!”

“Oh yeah. She loves him almost as much as she loves the Colonel—only she can show the dog her love!”

Marie just hummed at the mention of the Colonel, and took a sip of her coffee, letting the story hang for a moment.

“…Hey, Ma?”

She looked back up at him, leaving her thoughts behind. “Yes?”

“…Thanks. For, ya know, this. It was good t’ feel useful again.”

He wasn’t quite looking at her, his pride being his pride, but Marie didn’t mind. She knew her eldest. She reached across and patted his hand.

“I have no idea what in the world yer talking about, Son,” she said. “I just needed a little help, and I knew you could do it.”

He smiled at her, a bit of tension in him releasing, and something in her loosened a bit as well. It wasn’t much, but it was, at least, one form of comfort she could offer her son—the ability to feel useful.

~*~

“Yer makin’ a lot of noise, ya know.” Her husband stood in the doorway of the kitchen, observing his wife as she viciously attacked the dishes from supper, cleaning them with a vengeance.

“I’m fine.” She said firmly.

“No,” Thomas said, “Yer not. And you hide it pretty well, but ya can’t hide if from me.” He frowned, looking her over. “Yer still angry, aren’t ya?”

She practically threw the scrubbing brush she had in her hands in the sink, and turned to face her husband. He moved all the way in, letting the door close behind him, cutting of the sound of their children and a few grandchildren being entertained by the stories that Jean was telling of his time in the military. Good. They needed the barrier.

“Yer dang-near right I’m still mad!” she snapped at him, keeping her voice low. This wasn’t a conversation she wanted Jean to hear. “That Colonel o’ his—that’s all he can talk about! Colonel Mustang this and Colonel Mustang that, ‘n’ how great the man is!”

“He served under him a while, Marie. Jean obviously looks up to him.” Thomas said, moving closer to her. “He made some big kinda impact on him.”

“Oh, yes! Some big kinda impact!” Marie said mockingly, although she wasn’t mocking her husband. “Big enough that he got our son nearly killed ‘n’ disabled ‘n’ there’s nothin’ that can change that! Yet he’s still in there holdin’ out hope fer somethin’!”

“Marie.”

“Dontcha Marie me, Thomas Havoc! If he was so great, then why’d he go ‘n’ let out boy get hurt like that! Why’d he just turn ‘im loose, ‘steada doin’ somethin’ fer him! Why’d he—Why—“

She was trembling, tears starting to burn hot in her eyes and Thomas came up to her, pulling her close to him and holding her in his arms for a moment. She was balled up and hot with anger, but Thomas had always had a calming effect on her.

“Marie, I know yer angry. I am too. But I think yer angry at the wrong person, love,” Thomas said, his voice as calming as his presence. He pulled back a little. “Yer angry at Colonel Mustang, and I understand that. But Mar… That Colonel was hurt too, and he did what he could to save our boy, then risked his life ta rescue that lady lieutenant and a boy, who called for help after that. Ya know he can’t give us all the details, but he’s told us that much.”

Marie was not ready to stop being angry, though. “But he just turned him loose! He didn’t even have the common curtsey ta try ta do somethin’ else for ‘im!”

Thomas took a breath. “Marie. I get why yer mad. I wanna be too. But Jean still respects that Colonel o’ his, and if we wanna help Jean get used ta his new life, then we can’t be mad at the Colonel. He holds him in too high of regard.”

Marie was silent, her jaw working, and she pulled back and turned to the sink again. “…I can’t promise anythin’ soon, but I see yer point, Tom. I’ll try.”

He kissed her head. “Yer a good mother, and a good wife, and I love ya. All I ask is that ya try.”

Marie kept scrubbing on the dishes.

~*~

Marie let out a sigh as she watched Jean talking to this odd man, and listened to the conversation that he was having. He was being really careful not to let anyone else in on it, but they all knew that he was up to something. These orders of weapons and such from Xing over the past months, he promised that he had a buyer for them. He made calls and talked to people, and bit by bit things were ordered and amassed.

He was working again, her boy.

He had purpose again.

And Marie was pretty darn certain just who she had to thank for that.

Her boy and his big heart and drive to help however he could. She huffed a little.

She waited until the man had left, taking a receipt with him to show to Jean’s brothers who were working on the stock so he could get what he needed. Jean seemed to be grinning to himself, clearly satisfied with whatever had just happened.

“Who was that, Jean?” she asked him.

Jean turned to look at her, looking over his shoulder a bit. “No one ta worry ‘bout, Ma. Just one of my special orders.”

She reached for the ledger, flipping through it. “You’ve had lots o’ these special orders lately—and there was that beat up ol’ ice cream truck ya found and sold.”

He reached up and gently tugged the ledger from her hands. “Yeah, well, I think I might have found a good market for ‘em, albeit a temporary one.”

She eyed him. “How temporary?” she asked.

“I promise, Ma, I won’t over buy us, okay? I know they’re expensive, but I promise we’ll get paid in full soon.”

Marie took in a breath and let it out again. “…Jean. Just answer this one question for yer old Ma. I won’t say another word about it all, if you’ll just answer it.”

He looked at her curiously.

“…Does this have somethin’ ta do with that Colonel of yers?”

His eyes widened and he looked away from her, instead wheeling himself closer to the counter. “Ma. Does it really matter? I’ve got us a market and it’ll pay off.” He turned and smiled at her. “So dontcha worry about it, Ma! I promise that it’ll all work out!”

She just looked at him evenly, then nodded, and headed back towards the house and the kitchen. “Mind the store for a mite, will ya?” she asked, although she didn’t wait for an answer. “I’ve got some letters and such to attend to.”

She heard his agreement as she left, turning over the conversation she had just had in her mind. Her hands moved to fix herself a cup of tea, going through the motions without her mind really on it, and she sat at the table, looking at the pile of mail she had to go through. There was one that was marked from an address that she had figured out was one of Jean’s military friends, and she stared at it for a moment, before pushing the pile away.

She still had anger towards Colonel Mustang. How could she not? He was supposed to look after her son! But that anger wasn’t doing her any good. It wasn’t helping to comfort her son. It wasn’t helping to make him better or give him focus again. No, her anger was useless, just bogging her down.

Somehow, it always came back to the Colonel. She didn’t know what Jean saw in him, but whatever it was, it was a powerful motivator. She saw the hand exercises he did. She saw the way that he took to studying more, learning more, even if he sometimes needed to talk it over with someone. She saw the motivation he had to find equipment that would help keep him mobile, and talking his brothers into helping him build it. She saw how this new “project” of his—something that she was sure was all to benefit the Colonel somehow—motivated him to keep going and move forward.

Whatever the Colonel was doing, whatever his aims were, her Jean had been quite impacted by them and they were what drove him forward.

And if she kept this anger towards him, it would drive her and her eldest apart.

Marie took a breath. Then another. Then another.

“Alright,” she said in barely a whispered voice. “Alright. I’ve been a-holding onto this for too long. It’s time to let it go. I need to release this anger if I’m to help my son move forward.”

She sat there, breathing in, thinking about all the reasons she had to be angry with the Colonel, and then releasing them one by one, turning them into the good that she could see in her boy and, eventually, she had gone through them all.

Marie opened her eyes, and looked at her tea. She may not understand it, but if it would bring her son healing and comfort, then she’d release the anger she felt towards the Colonel. Perhaps it was a mother’s misplaced anger, or perhaps it was justified. She wasn’t sure. But if her son could get himself together and move on, then so could she. That way she could stay by his side the whole way, supporting him where she could.

After all, what else could a good mother do?

[hobimysun-shine]

bts as billie eilish songs

I love both artist so much because they are so diverse, so driven and in love with their art, so here’s what my mind created at 2am when i actually gotta study for an exam, but anyhow, enjoy

Jeon Jungkook - Ocean eyes 

“Can't stop thinking of your diamond mind Careful creature Made friends with time”

- color scheme: Venice lavender; purple rain; valor blue 

- grey clouds, quiet ocean, salty air, cold sand, bare feet, long sweater, careful wind, watery eyes, 

- angelic, naive, trusting, incapable of stopping emotions

- a feel of uncertainty for the future, because you still have so much to experience in life, it’s hard to know who to trust, where to go and what your tears mean, who you should give them to 

- young love, pain

- it basically speaks of someone who is impressed by another human - love based on instinct and intuition, when you’re young you just feel things, even if you don’t know where these emotions come from (jungkook-namjoon relationship) ; 

- trusting someone by the feeling you get around them, without being able to trust your common sense,

- have you seen jungkook’s beautiful, ocean, doe eyes ?? (if not, then wth you doin’ with your life))

Park Jimin - idontwannabeyouanymore

“I just wish you could feel what you say Show, never tell But I know you too well Got a mood that you wish you could sell

Tell the mirror what you know she's heard before I don't wanna be you anymore”

- color scheme: pale smoke; scotch mist; apple blossom 

- cold air, morning dew, raindrops at the bottom of your window, the fabric softener your mom uses to wash your sheets, soft breathing on the side of your neck, white mirrors 

-  self-persuasion, self-critique, inner conflict, serenity, content, libra’s aesthetic approach

- if you have listened to lie and looked at the lyrics, you know why i chose this song for jimin 

- you basically get the feeling that the person is speaking to himself in this song, trying to find an answer, as to why he puts himself through all these hardships, when he could break free from this vacuum of perfectionism he created for himself

- let’s be real, we all know what jimin had to go through and maybe is still going through with being too harsh on himself, with his body image and his appearance on stage, i hope he is doing well now and is content with himself, cause he is a 100/10 and we all love him so much 

Kim Taehyung - hostage; my boy 

“I wanna be alone Alone with you - does that make sense? I wanna steal your soul”

“ My boy's an ugly crier but he's such a pretty liar”

- color scheme: concord purple; red wine; aurum gold

- big windows, night sky, city view, studio apartment, dark walls, smell of acrylic paint, ripped jeans with that paint splattered on them, acoustic guitars on the walls, quiet jazz music, film paper smoke, deep laughter, strong arms around your waist

- artistic freedom, no fear of judgement, mutual understanding, chest butterflies, assurance, hope, soulmates, in tune with your emotions, who cares if the world doesn’t get us, we get us

- hostage just reminds me of two people, who connect on a soul level so much, that what happens is their love turns into mutual engagement, similar to keeping each other as hostages in their hearts, however i wanted to turn the meaning of that song less toxic for taehyung,, 

- i believe that if there’s a member that would want to connect with people in such level as the song suggests, it would be taehyung

- as for my boy, idk it just gives me a similar base line as in singularity, and i don’t know it’s just probably my fave song of billie and i feel like it is just taehyung’s vibe when i listen to it 

Jung Hoseok - bellyache

“ Everything I do the way I wear my noose Like a necklace I wanna make 'em scared like I could be anywhere Like I'm wreck-less

I lost my mind I don't mind “

- color scheme: marigold yellow; apricot orange; candy red

- summer heat, tan skin, blushed cheeks, endless roads, loose shirts, scratched knees, rich kids away from home, one backpack and a shiny red ford convertible from your bf’s dad’s garage, loud music, lips, swollen from kissing, night fireworks

- fed up with everything, escape from reality, that one summer you will never forget, vibrant love, point of no return, rhythm, gut intuition, boldness 

- i don’t know exactly either, it’s just these are the connections i make when i hear this song, and all of that screams hobi to me (aries moon) 

- also am i the only one who imagines he would make a killer dance routine to that song (but again he could probably dance to a water drops going down a pipe, so,,)

Namjoon - bury a friend; copycat 

“What do you want from me? Why don't you run from me? What are you wondering? What do you know? Why aren't you scared of me? Why do you care for me? When we all fall asleep, where do we go? “

“ Perfect murder, take your aim I don't belong to anyone, but everybody knows my name”

- color scheme: pearl river; silver fox, steel wood

- empty stage, burning projectors slowly being turned off, microphone heavy in your hand, as the words that went though it start to make sense, sweaty hair, footsteps echoing in the vast space, feeling of falling down, unexpected, but comforting hug, security, the calming scent of someone you know in this new environment, tears of fear and excitement at the same time, new life, new beginning

-  words said out loud, revenge, mixed feeling of content and fast approaching emptiness, always racing thoughts, insomnia, trying to fill a void, searching for an overall meaning, 

- so bury a friend is just has all these questions man. they remind me of rm’s mind. i feel like all of them are things he had already asked himself, or themes he implies in his songs too 

- copycat is for namjoon swiftly leading a group that got a ton of criticism in the beginning and is still getting hate, but regardless he manages to stay on top, write what he feels, be a real artist and throw everything people said about bts failing back at their faces 

Min Yoongi - lovely ; you should see me in a crown 

“Oh, I hope some day I'll make it out of here Even if it takes all night or a hundred years Need a place to hide, but I can't find one near Wanna feel alive, outside I can't fight my fear”

“ You should see me in a crown I'm gonna run this nothing town Watch me make 'em bow One by one by, one”

- color scheme: marble white; smoke ember; royal silver;  

- dark room, cold hands, shaky breath, unable to look at each other’s eyes, fear of the outside and the inside, pocket money, long fingers pressing the out-of-tune piano keys, weary smiles, small steps

                                          (....)

 steady hands, marble walls, scent of freshly printed documents, looking through a box of old photo albums your mom sent, turning the pages a larger hand stops you from flipping the next page, two teenagers than look awfully like you two are staring back fearfully, low chuckles, eyes full of love  

- strong minds, growth, stability, strength, control, prosperity, hard work, passion, ambition

- lovely is in here because i feel like it portrays struggles with mental health and depression very well. you feel trapped and you feel like there is no one else who understands your personal hell and you are the only one who has to find a way for yourself to get out of that place. yoongi has been in such places before as we’ve heard from him and his lyrics, so i though lovely represents his struggles when he was younger

- you should see me in a crown. literally that’s all i can say, he worked for his success and he got it and he deserves it and he is killing it right now

- yall don’t know the amount of respect i got for this man and everything he has been through and i feel like these two songs portray his lowest and his highest in life and take account every struggle along the way and how he truly deserves everything he has right now 

Kim Seokjin - when the party’s over

“ Don't you know I'm no good for you I've learned to lose you, can't afford to

Don't you know too much already I'll only hurt you if you let me

Quiet when I'm coming home and I'm on my own I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that”

- color scheme: night snow, onyx black, muddy grey

- smell of liquor, messy steps, blurred vision, flood of thoughts, the darkest time of the night, dried streams of tears on your cheeks, your boyfriend’s hand quietly holding yours, but them you have to split ways, walking alone on the dead street, cold wind air hitting your face, but you find comfort in it, you reach home, but you can’t seem to go in; so you sit on the sidewalk, looking down; you hear distant steps; he sits down in the snow next to you; the sky slowly, but surely becomes lighter 

- quiet sadness, deeper understanding of the world, human relationships seem harder, yet simpler, timeless feeling, a sense of maturity

- this song is just a masterpiece. hear me out, i don’t think i would understand this song as well as i do now, if i have listened to it a few years back. I would have been like “oh yeah it’s sad”

-But like. no. It’s not just sad. It’s a song that shows so much maturity and experience with life that first of all, idk how billie is so young and is able to create music like that. Second of all i don’t think anyone else of bts would fit better to it, than jin 

- people tend to overlook his deeper emotions because he tends to distract from them, he always acts “silly” and tells jokes, but i feel like in songs like epiphany and awake we can see that jin really sees the world and his abilities from a much more mature point of view than other members. And i get the same vibe from billie’s song, so i feel like it would fit best for jin. 

So actually this was way longer than i planned, but yeah, this is just strictly my opinion and it was just an idea i had at 3am now, as i said, hope it’s fun to read :))

im off to bed, because i’m so sleep deprived i will start hearing colors soon 

[qdtquietdownthere]

Day 8- Swim, clay and personal space.

Day 8

Today is going to be a busy day and I wake up and put on my swimming costume before doing anything else. 

If that isn't a wild start to a Tuesday, I don't know what is.

I get the tube to Victoria (one stop before my usual Pimlico) and head to the Queen Mother Sports Centre to go for a swim. It is odd getting off here. There have been major delays on the railways and the space is buzzing with frantic energy. Everyone is passing through. No one seems to stop. I down a coffee from cafe-disgusting-Nero before my swim. It is interesting wandering in a mad sea of people who are rushing. I like to guess what job they have and I wonder what they think I do when they look at me. If they look at me. There was a man on the tube this morning swearing at his laptop. I wondered what his day was going to be like. It is funny taking the tube every morning and being in this transient space. It gives me energy and I feel part of the crowd, but it is also so transient and so isolating. A swelling day population and I'm just one of them. As I walk towards Pimlico however, and towards the pool, the swell of people calms. I sit outside the pool and wait until 10am as I sip my coffee before I go in. I am enjoying sticking to the timetable as well as I can, This is the little bit of structure surrounded by unknown activities. 

The pool is quite this time in the morning. There are maybe only 5 people in the pool and we are all spread out. Absolute luxury. At first I notice how calm and clean the pool is. There are sheets hanging on the wall which contain workout guides. One for strength, one for cardio and there is one sheet titled ‘silver’ for elderly people. This one looks the most used, and 4 out of 5 of the people swimming today all have silver hair. This is inviting for me as the pace is relaxed. Im not ready to try and fight for a place in the pool. My last experience in Stoke Newington pool was not pleasant, whereas this is already a great experience. I stay for 45 minutes until the local schools start playing on the flumes and distracting the tranquility of the unified breast strokes happening in our orderly lanes. I hear two elderly men in the slow lane laugh with each other. Up until this point I have only spoken to two people today, and that makes me feel a little sad. Most other days I would have spoken to many people by this time. Swimming is also a lonely sport I feel, it is easy to be in your own head. Running for example, keeps your eyes busy and you get to smile at other runners. It is so easy it is to be out in the community, doing an activity in a shared space, but still lack engagement with another human. Later on in Tesco on Lupas Street I wait to pay for my nut bar and notice that the line for the tills run by a real human cashier are almost twice as long as self service. Never have I seen this in another supermarket before. A simple chore is buying food, but for older people, lonely people, it might be the little interaction they get in a day. 

After swimming, and sporting a beautiful chlorine barnet, I make my way towards Thames Bank centre. I pop into a few charity shops on the way. In both there are lots of young people, both working and shopping. Its nice to see some 20 somethings and when I buy a dress (which I now regret buying) we have a little laugh. Its nice to have this, and its interesting how the demographic has changed.  

Like the market at the weekend, it is wonderful to look in a charity shop and see the identity of a place and area. I think charity shops, and a sharing of items and style is a wonderful way to get to understand a place. There is a great book titled ‘the Comfort of Things’ (2008) by Daniel Miller in which the author, and anthropologist, goes into a London tower block to speak to people about their belongings and asks the owners to tell their stories. It is a wonderful and deeply personal book which unifies through difference, all around a backdrop of belongings. Charity shops for local areas remind me of this. I find comfort in buying something which has its own story. 

Thames bank centre is hosting ETAT (Encouragement through the arts and talking). I turn up a little early and walk into a room full of chatting, and laughing and there is clay everywhere. I walk in and have to introduce myself to everyone in the room. Everyone is elderly and they are all chatting away while deep into their clay. There is some confusion about who I am. I am there to come along to the class and do the chair exercises. This however gets misinterpreted that I am leading the chair exercise sessions. I don't really understand and go along with it. This has been the best approach to most of the activities. I start making clay into an underwater theme and then, luckily, like an act of god, the chair exercise instructor turns up and I'm off the hook. It makes everyone giggle. 

I am overwhelmed by the sense of community in the room, and once again this free, easy and non comital environment. The space is like a loud living room with clay everywhere and people come and go. Like a living room exactly. There is a range of ages, though I hear the oldest is 97. Once again I am the youngest, but this is something with invigorates me today, excites even. I feel like it is a space I would come to completely by myself. I sit next to a lady who I went on the Warwick trip with and we laugh about her attention to detail while making her ceramic tile compared with my botch job attempt. Yes thats right, I am an ‘Artist’. I speak to Jane and Karen (Who runs CAVE in Pimlico) about ETAT. They are far reaching and busy people. Pimlico million was set up by Jane who shows me videos and photos from events, exhibitions and footage of her singing at SouthWest Fest. They are currently preparing for an art show and ETAT have even recorded an album. However I am told that the album has a parental advisory because many swear words are sang throughout the song…. Again, the eldest member is 97. I'll just leave that there. What is apparent is how both Jane and Karen, and everyone for that matter, are connected to the community. They seem completely involved in its development. They make it feel this way just by  simply knowing everyones name. There is power in naming.  

Im a little anxious when I meet Jane and Karen, because I am nervous to be seen as a threat to existing services. It has been a challenge explaining why I am coming along to activities which haven't seen a new, or young, member in many moons. I stand out. I feel like a cultural probe at times. However, I'm also there for me. I am interested and excited by these activities and interactions separate from the schedule, the blog, and the cash to eat breakfast. 

We begin chair class in the corner of the huge room. There are around seven of us, all with a mixture of abilities. Emily who is in a wheel chair, a woman with dementia, Barney who is a Chelsea pensioner and wont stop laughing and then me who is giggling along with the energy of the place. We dance to music in our seats which are arranged in a circle. We play volleyball and Barney throws a mean punch. Its fun and I'm happy. I loose track of time and have to run out. 

Later on in the day, after a visit to Victoria library, I head over to the London Mayor’s Parlour to observe the council meeting of the health and wellbeing board. Im early and then I'm late and then I'm lost. Being lost is hard and I wonder what this residency would be like without a phone. Even more, without a schedule. It makes me see even clearer the obstacles in leaving an area where you grew up when you don't have the funds, the ability or the confidence to leave. It is easy to ‘other’ the next streets across the busy road. It is then easy to other the next community, the young teenagers, the refugees. I wonder how much of a knock on effect this inability to access certain spaces shapes us. Urban geography shapes us. 

The streets as you leave Pimlico become busy with suits and men who are walking like they mean business. The buildings get taller and it becomes striking that you have left pimlico. Again, the city scape, the gardens and the design of Churchill Gardens and the surrounding area give you a sense of a village. It is protected. I am desperate to draw this- desperate to map it out. 

I eventually arrive to the building I need to be at. In the foyer but the woman at reception tells me the meeting was last week. The only one today is on transport. I feel a little embarrassed but mainly because I'm a bubbly sweaty mess and everyone is in navy blue suits, not sweating and cool as a business man shaped cucumber. I ask to use the toilet but she says no, so I leave. 

It Is nice walking back to Pimlico and towards the library. I don't need a map anymore and that gives me confidence and a sense of belonging. I know where streets are and have a sense within me like a homing pigeon for the library. 

The day takes a turn and while waiting outside the library in the sunshine I get a personal call with some bad news. I am outside the library in Pimlico, but on the phone feeling very emotional. I am here in Pimlico but I'm transported into my life in Tottenham, in Edinburgh. I wish to be in these places now. I try and clean myself up to go into knitting, but when I walk in I notice only two people sat in the space outside the toilets,  knitting at speed in complete silence. It is not the right space for me at this moment. This is the only time I have felt an overwhelming sense of being in a place which isn't mine. I want someone to talk to who knows me and I want to be with my friend. I crave something normal in an abnormal situation and after abnormal news? For the rest of my night I isolate myself. I get off the tube at one point to isolate myself. To be in control. Its demanding giving all the time during the residency. I am always trying to bring energy. It takes energy to walk into a room, to try and engage someone, to listen to long stories, to listen to upset and to ideas you don't agree with. Even the stories which are happy and interesting, it takes energy. I know I bring energy to what I have been doing. I bring a genuine interest and care and a giddiness to talk and connect. I wonder how much I have given of myself. I told the women who I sat with at choir how nervous I was to sing and walk into the room, and it was in this activity which I felt most happiest, and most transformed when I left to go home. I wonder if I should have gone into knitting but be open and honest about how I was feeling and what had just happened to me merely 3 minutes before. How would this have felt? With action research I am aware of mutuality and transparency. It has been this. But I wonder if I had pushed it a little further, and let go of this need to make people feel good and happy and just talked about me, how would this change the residency and my interactions? I wonder if this had happened just before choir, would I have gone in? What is it about knitting club which meant that in that situation I couldn't walk in and be with the sadness I had just received? I believe it was the intensity of the situation, and the fact it was only two knitters sat in the library space. Even more so after this, I celebrate how all the activities and groups I have attended are relaxed and casual. One doesn't have to commit to a 5 week course going every Thursday night. Life happens. 

I am someone who recharges my batteries alone and I don't want to talk about hard subject with strangers. I know how to self sooth, how to get back the sunshine. I feel bad I didn't go in but in this moment it wasn't right. It has also shone light on the need for flexible activities in a community which inevitable will encounter childcare problems, ill health ect. Its about designing a service which despite all of what life can throw at someone, the service will continue to be outwards reaching. I think there is value and need for creating something which can be someones fall back. That in despite of sadness, loneliness or not feeling like leaving the sofa, one doesn't feel lonely and isolated from the culture and happenings of the community.

I go home and have a bath, watch some Netflix and I draw a quick drawing of a lobster. I also listen to Stormzy. Lots of Stormzy. 

[majesticmarais]

Not The One To Blame (Z.H)

Summary: Zach tries to move on from a tragedy that will forever alter his life

Warnings: Death and sadness LOL

Word Count: 3.3k

Tags: @whydontwe-fanfics @electricseavey @lovableherron @the-headass @averysgarl @heyowdw @dailydoseofherron @handsomeherron @angelseavey @lovablebesson @huggingholland @ijustreallylovethem

A/n: SO THIS IS SAD BUT I LOVED WRITING IT Y’ALL KNOW I LOVE WRITING DARK TOPICS BECAUSE IM WEIRD ANYWAY ENJOY AND TRY NOT TO CRY TOO HARD! ITS NOT AS GOOD AS I WANTED IT TO BE BECAUSE IM IN ONE OF THOSE MOODS WHERE I SERIOUSLY DOUBT MY ABILITY TO WRITE BUT WHATEVER ENJOY

Just like any other ordinary day, I made your way off campus after class to get back home to my small apartment that I lived in with my best friend.

Zach had left for tour a few weeks ago, and despite the ache of not having him around, I still managed to live my life day by day in a more or less normal fashion.

I was stopped by someone once I made my way to the parking lot, the familiar deep brown eyes glaring into mine for what must have been the 5th or 6th day in a row.

“Hi Brandon,” I muttered as politely as I could as I tried to continue walking to the car while avoiding too much conversation.

“Hey Y/n, what are you doing tonight?” he asked, once again, for the millionth time.

“I’m uh, just studying I think,” I shrugged, wanting to keep the conversation short and sweet, which never really flew by with Brandon.

Since we had started taking a class together, he always tried to get really close to me despite knowing I was in a serious relationship. I brushed it off as him just being flirty and trying too hard, and once I got home I never thought about him. Just another dumb boy.

“Want to go out sometime?” he asked, a loose curl falling out of place as he kept his stare attached to me.

“I told you I have a boyfriend,” I chuckled, shaking my head as I turned around and went to my car.

“I’m telling you, Y/n, I’m better for you. I’m here if you change your mind,” he smirked before finally walking away, allowing me to release a sigh of relief as I climbed into the front seat of my car, throwing my backpack on the seat next to me.

“So determined,” I mumbled to myself before finally getting home.

As time went on, Brandon began showing up everywhere.

He didn’t always talk to me, most times I would just see him in the distance, his gaze cold as he looked my way.

I saw him at school, at work, and even when I went out with friends.

The constant appearance of him began making me feel uneasy, and left a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. 

I mentioned it to Zach a few times, but he always tried comforting me and reminding me he probably just had a crush and it’s probably nothing more than coincidence that I see him all the time. I knew Zach was right, but I couldn’t shake the feeling lingering in my gut.

After a long shift in the evening, I made my way back to my apartment, being met with silence as I walked in as opposed to the usual chatter of the TV.

“Emma?” I called, wondering where she was on a night she’s usually home.

I slowly trotted to my room, setting my bag down and changing into my pajamas as I heard a creak from down the hall.

“Em?” I called again, cautiously stepping out to see if she was there, but was of course met with an empty, dark hallway.

I crawled into bed and messed around on my phone before shutting the light off, the soft sound of cars passing outside my window as I shut my eyes.

Just as I drifted into sleep, I was awoken by the sound of a door slamming, and as my eyes shot open I saw nothing but a dark silhouette standing beside me, their breathing shallow.

Before my body was able to move, there was suddenly a pillow over my face, my intake of air shortening as I flailed my body around in an attempt to escape.

I managed to get away for a split second to notice that it was Brandon who was hovering over me, the pillow over my face cutting my air supply.

I tried screaming, but what came out instead was nothing but a slight wheeze.

“You did this to yourself,” he snarled from above me, “you don’t deserve to live if it’s not with me.”

No matter how hard I tried to protest and fight him off, it suddenly became too difficult. Every movement took so much energy, and every struggle for breath felt like I was drowning.

My body suddenly became limp, and before I knew it I was unconscious.

Emma returned home late that night, stumbling through the front door after a night out with some of her friends. She giggled to herself as she fumbled for a light switch, kicking her heels off and hitting the wall in front of her.

Everything was slightly spinning around her, but she still went to check on Y/n like she always did once she got home at night.

After finding the door knob with difficulty in the pitch black, Emma was met by an empty bed, her best friend not where she was usually to be found at this time. 

The moon was the only source of light as it glimmered through the slightly parted curtains.

“Y/N?” Emma whispered before checking the bathroom, tripping as she crossed the hallway.

When she entered Y/n’s room once again, she noticed something wet seemingly shining on the edge of the bedside table. Emma suddenly became stone cold sober, her giggly mood vanishing into thin air as she took a step forward and peeked on the other side of the bed.

“Y/n!” she screamed as she bent down to her level, picking her head up in her hands as she shook her slightly.

A small pool of blood had formed around her head, a slight indent on the side where the crimson liquid was coming from. Her lips had been tinted blue, and her eyes were gently shut.

“Oh my god, oh my god!” she panicked as she checked for any sign of life or a pulse from her best friend, but was met with nothing.

Her hands shook violently as she searched for her phone, realizing it was in her purse that she had left in the foyer.

Emma sprinted down the hall, her bare feet slapping hard against the ground, her heart beating out of her chest as she called 911, not sure how to explain anything at all.

Zach spun his mic around in his hand, shaking out his limbs as he got ready to go on stage and live out his dream like he got to do almost every night.

“How we feeling?” Jack asked as the boys stood together backstage, the soft sound of their voices echoing throughout the room as they warmed up.

“Feeling good, excited,” Corbyn answered, earning a nod from everyone else.

The door to the room opened, and the expected stage manager was replaced by a man in a police uniform, scanning the room quickly.

“Are one of you Zachary Herron?” he asked, not knowing who he was supposed to be looking for.

“That’s me,” he answered with a hint of confusion, lifting his hand briefly, “what’s wrong officer?”

“Can we sit down somewhere?” he asked Zach, and together they left the room to sit somewhere privately.

Zach’s anxiety grew with every waking second. Why was a police officer needing to talk to him?

“I’m sorry to inform you,” the police officer began once they sat down, his hands resting on the table as he looked at Zach, “but it seems that your girlfriend has died a few hours ago. The family has been informed already.”

Zach stared blankly at the police officer, holding his breath as his body went numb.

“An investigation still has to be conducted, but it seems that she was killed in her apartment by an unknown suspect,” he added, the word killed feeling like a blow to Zach’s chest.

“No,” Zach said sternly, his eyes stinging with tears as the back of his throat tightened.

“I am very sorry for your loss, Zachary,” he continued, “if you need anything I can give you a referral.”

“I-I need to go,” Zach choked out, the chair squeaking underneath him as he stood up and left the room without another word.

Zach made his way back to the dressing room, feeling both weightless and heavy as he ran to his best friends. The boys stared at him curiously, waiting to hear what the police officer had told him.

Zach felt like he was in a dream, or more like a nightmare, a lump forming in his throat as he tried to find the words to say to his best friends. Her best friends.

The tears in his eyes began increasing, but he fought them back just long enough to be able to tell the boys. He didn’t want to break their hearts, but he knew he had to.

“What happened?” Jonah urged after the long pause.

“Y/n’s dead,” Zach choked out, a single tear rolling down his cheek from the brim of his eyes as the words burned his throat as they left.

“What? What do you mean?” Jonah stuttered, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

“She died a few hours ago,” he confirmed, his voice coming out as whisper.

A loud sob filled the room, coming from Daniel who’s hand covered his mouth as tears poured down his cheeks, his head shaking in denial.

The boys all approached Zach, holding each other in a big group hug as they cried together, the air heavy with sorrow as their sniffles and sobs filled the room like a thick cloud of smoke.

“I have to go. I have to go home I have to see her, I have to go,” Zach panicked, grabbing his stuff from the room as he ran out, Jack grabbing his arm from behind him.

“Slow down, Zach, we’ll all go together,” he said calmly, his voice cracking through his tears as he tried to be strong for his best friend who just lost the girl he loved.

“I can’t wait Jack I have to go now I-I have to be with her,” he rushed before coming to a dead stop and clutching his stomach as he sprinted to a garbage can and threw up before collapsing to the ground beside it as he cried, the agony in his chest becoming unbearable.

Jack lowered himself to where Zach was sitting, wrapping his arm around his best friend as he rubbed his arm comfortingly, his own tears being muffled by the loud shrieks escaping Zach’s mouth, every sound making it feel like his heart was being twisted inside of his chest.

“I’m so sorry, Zach,” Jack whispered, his lips trembling as he spoke.

“This can’t be real. This isn’t happening, this is a dream, or a joke, or something. She can’t be dead, she can’t be,” Zach tried to rationalize, shaking his head rapidly.

Jack sat quietly, not knowing what to say, the other boys eventually coming out into the hall too, their bags accompanying them.

“We’ll catch the next flight,” Corbyn said softly to the whole group.

Jack tried to help Zach off the ground, but Zach’s legs continued to wobble and give out under him as he cried, having no energy to do anything.

Jonah scooped him up easily in his arms, and Zach cried into his chest, Jonah’s own tears accidentally sprinkling Zach’s hair as they walked out the back of the venue to get to the car they had called for.

Fans shrieked and cheered once they were seen outside the venue, and the boys ignored everyone as they rushed to the car, sitting in silence as they drove to the airport.

They were missing most of their belongings and their luggage, but Tyler promised to get everything for them and get it back to the boys. 

Zach didn’t want to waste any more time in a different city. He couldn’t be away from where Y/n was.

By the time they left the airport, the sun was beginning to rise, the orange and pink colors blending together beautifully which left Zach wondering how something as mesmerizing and gorgeous as the sunrise could be happening at a time like this.

As they rushed to Y/n’s apartment, they noticed the flashing of red and blue lights surrounding the apartment building, a thin layer of early morning fog making the scene even more surreal.

Zach noticed Y/n’s best friend and roommate, Emma, who ran to him once she caught his eye, throwing herself into his arms once she was close enough.

“I’m so sorry,” she choked, crying into his shoulder as she squeezed him tightly.

“Who did it?” Zach asked, his eye staring at the cement under his feet.

“I don’t know. I saw someone outside as I was looking for my phone, I couldn’t get a good enough look though,” she answered through her tears, wiping them with the back of her hand even though they were constantly pouring down.

“I just don’t understand,” Zach whispered to himself, trying to wrap his mind around living in a world where Y/n didn’t exist. It was not a world he wanted to live in. “Why her?”

“It’s my fault. I could have saved her,” Zach confessed as the boys sat together on the couches in their LA home.

“Don’t blame yourself, Zach, it’s not your fault,” Jack consoled, putting his hand on Zach’s shoulder as he pulled him close.

“If I was here with her she wouldn’t have been home alone. She wouldn’t have been unprotected. I could have saved her and stopped it,” he repeated, his voice shaking with every word he spoke.

“You don’t know that, it’s no one’s fault except the person that did this to her. And we will get justice for her,” Jonah said, his voice being the most confident out of all of them.

“I can’t be without her. I can’t do this. I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this alone. How are we supposed to move on?” Zach rambled, all the emotions and thoughts pouring out to his best friends as they came.

“I don’t know,” Corbyn answered, “We’re gonna have to take it one day at a time. We’re strong, we can do this as long as we have each other.”

“I need her. I just need her here,” Zach whispered, the fresh tears flowing again after having stopped for only a short period of time.

Zach sat alone in his room, watching the clock change as the minutes passed, the morning getting closer. The words of the police officer repeated in his head as he pondered living a life without her in it. Nothing made sense.

He sobbed as he held Y/n’s sweater close to him, her familiar scent bringing him a drowning feeling of melancholy running through his body.

“I miss you so much,” he said to himself, looking out the window at the stars, that lit up the dark and desolate room he was in, hoping that somehow, somewhere, she could hear him.

“I love you so much, I don’t know how to do this without you. Please come back,” he cried, his tears escaping silently this time, no longer waking up the boys with his ear piercing sobs.

“The trial is tomorrow. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to be reminded of the fact that you’re gone. That he took you away from me. I don’t know if I can do it. I just want you back,” he whispered to himself, his eyes wandering around the room.

Eventually, Zach’s eyes became heavy, fluttering open and shut as sleep took over him, the white cast of the moon over his face.

Zach’s POV

I stood in Y/n’s apartment, the floor creaking under my feet as I walked to her bedroom where she sat on the carpeted floor, her bright smile lighting up the room.

“Y/n?” I asked, taking a careful step closer to her.

“Zach,” she replied, lifting her eyebrow as she pat the floor in front of her, indicating for me to sit down.

“I’m sorry I was taken away from you,” she said calmly, her smooth and calming voice like a wave crashing against the shore.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t save you,” I replied, reaching out, hesitating before grabbing her hand in mine, it’s familiar warmth sending goosebumps across my body.

“You’re not the one to blame, Zach. Not you, not me, not Emma, not anyone. You have to know that,” she pleaded, her eyes glistening as they looked into mine. Her free hand reached up and caressed my cheek, allowing me to melt into her touch.

“You can do this, baby. I believe you can do this. The trial, everything. I’m with you, I’m here. I always will be. You have to go on without me,” she begged, the breeze from the window behind her blowing her hair forward as it swirled in the wind.

“I can’t do it without you. I need you, I love you,” I cried, holding her tighter, scared to let go, scared to face reality.

“I love you, Zach. I love you so much and that will never change. I need you to move on. You have to make peace with what happened. It’s not your fault, and there was nothing you could have done. We had an amazing few years together, and even though I’m gone our love will never die. I’m with you forever, Zach. You have to live for me now,” she whispered, the sound of her voice hanging in the air as she finished speaking.

“I want to. I don’t know how,” I replied.

“You will. You have to be strong. It’s not your fault, don’t blame yourself. You can make it through this, I need you to make it through this. You have so much you want to do, and do it for me,” she explained, running her thumb along the back of my hand in circular motions.

“I’ll try, Y/n, I promise,” I choked out weakly.

“I love you, Zach,” she whispered before vanishing in front of me, the place her hand once was now feeling cold, and empty without her there.

“Come back.”

Zach let out a loud gasp as his eyes shot open, his head whipping up as he stared at the soft cream ceiling. The few seconds between being asleep and awake causing him to look beside him, expecting the nightmare to be over and for his girlfriend to be there next to him.

Reality felt like a punch in the gut, her absence feeling heavy as it did every day.

“Live for her,” he told himself as he stood up, rummaging through his closet for something to wear to court today, his breathing short and sharp as he tried to shake the sadness away.

He put on his suit, tying the pink tie around his neck that he knew was your favorite. His fingers traced along the front of it, your favorite color bringing a fleeting feeling of joy before he was broken out of his thoughts by the door opening, causing him to jump back.

“Ready to go?” Jonah asked as he poked his head through the door, giving him a sympathetic look. The area surrounding his eyes were dark, a purple color as he looked flushed of his usual color.

Zach nodded and started towards the door, stopping abruptly as he looked at the framed picture of him and Y/n that sat perfectly on his desk.

“I love you, Y/n, I always will,” he whispered to the glossy photograph, as if talking to her directly before leaving the room that once held so many memories of the love of his life that was now gone, leaving him spending nights alone, feeling empty without her next to him.

The pain never got easier, but he promised to be strong and live for her, and Zach was never one to break a promise.

[literaryfaeriecorner]

02/21/2021: Promotions, Old Friends, and Yellow School Buses

link to original post

February 21st, 2021

somehow i received a promotion at work last Friday even though i am literally probably one of the LEAST motivated people teaching at that school... fuck. so... now, instead of just being a regular-schmegular teacher, i am now the '6th grade head social studies teacher' which means that i have to run planning meetings for the social studies team, attend morning meetings discussing whole-grade growth and failings, and solutions for how we're going to get the kids to... not suck. uuuuuuggggghhhhhh!!! and this is for the rest of the year and the next!!!!

apparently, i am the 'perfect person' for this position because all of my classes have consistently performed better than the rest... but between you, me, and the entire internet, that speaks more to the abilities of my students than my own personal abilities as a teacher. i don't believe i'm a sucky teacher or anything but the fact remains that between work, grad school, delusional lovesick-related episodes, mental illness, and other varying distractions, i am not Doing The Best I Can. in fact, i'm literally in survival mode 95% of the time. the other 5% of the time, i'm in manic-as-fuck mode. so... do i really DESERVE this promotion? who even fucking knows? i like to believe, however, that i'll eventually figure out how to bullshit this new responsibility as well and no one will be the wiser. i mean, if this promotion came with a financial boost as well, i'd be more inclined to not fuck it up but, like... i'm doing more work for the same weak ass pay... i'm not as motivated with kind words and encouragement than i would be with a solid boost to my pay grade. anyway... whatever.

i was on tumblr the other day (i am fasting from all social media sites during the day for Lent but tumblr doesn't count because i literally just reblog five or six posts into the void, look at sad literature quotes, and log out just to do it all over again the next day... i am not addicted to tumblr as i am to twitter, instagram, pinterest, and linkedin... yes, linkedin. my quest to escape my job has led me down a very weird and addictive path) and i came across this post by user beetlejuices:

"isn't it all about old friends? like everything? all of it?"

and it is. i think so. i really do.

one of the things i've been conscious of in my early adulthood is that i am still chasing after the friendships i had in middle school. i wrote about this two Lents ago too. there is a memory that i remember so vividly in middle school and it reminds me constantly about how i felt so loved and appreciated and like the world couldn't go on without me if i somehow left or disappeared or went away. i think about it all the time. that is how freeing and loving and whole it is. just a simple memory of being three hours late to school (after a huge, blown out argument between parents who should've divorced years ago) and being startled by a flood of texts that starting pouring in at 7 that morning.

ashley: YOOOO where r u? they snagged all the donuts from the corner store!

alysha: you missed the bus this morning?

ashley: i bought donuts off eman 4 u... say im the best :D

kiera: U MISSED CRYSTAL'S FAT HEAD ASS SLIP DOWN THE STEPS LMAOOO

kiera: u're always here early u good?

alysha: are you coming 2 school today?

ashley: are u ok?

Christyl: don't forget we have a test in math!! where are you?

kiera: babe?

ashley: are you ok? why is ur phone off?

alysha: i just talked to ashley are u ok?

Christyl: where r u?

kiera: i just talked to ashley r u ok?

kiera: none of ur sisters r here either... u ok?

ashley: i'll call again @ lunch

alysha: pls be safe

Christyl: i'll tell the teacher you're sick and maybe you can take it tomorrow

Christyl: are you ok?

and even more messages that were sent during and inbetween classes... i thought it was a bit too late (and too time consuming) to respond to them all individually so after being signed into school three hours late, i decided to wait for all my friends at our table in the cafeteria to surprise them before explaining my mess of a morning. i was nervous because i thought they would be mad at me for some reason. but as soon as they saw me, ashley, alysha, kiera, and christyl, they came barreling towards me screaming my name. it was an entire scene. people looking at them crazy and then raising their eyebrows at me, not seeing what the big deal was. i probably looked the same exact way that i did the day before. unspectacular, bookish, awkward. they couldn't see what the big deal was. it embarrassed me but it thrilled me at the same time.

they nearly knocked me to the floor pushing each other to get to me first trying to steal the first hug. in the end, i stretched my arms out as far as i could and they all fell into them. we probably looked a mess. a tangle of brown legs, arms, frizzy hair, loose braids, and scuffed dress shoes. i remember feeling so loved and wanted. i felt bigger and grander than i was. i had stopped the world for five entire minutes and i didn't do anything. i was just existing.

i don't really talk to any of the girls anymore. i follow them on social media and i wish them happy birthday every year and we're all on each other's close friends list on insta... so i still know a few, if not all, of their secrets... but we'll probably never be as close as we were in middle school. and that's ok. i still love them as much as i did when they tackled me in the lunch room that day. i still root and cheer for them like we still spend every night after school on the phone for hours talking shit and planning presidential campaigns and gossiping about boys. i will never forget that day in the lunchroom. ever. and, like i said, it has only occurred to me now, as a young adult, that i've been chasing that kind of friendship and sisterhood since it happened.

i like to treat all my friendships as mini-romances. i remember a tweet that said, "friendships ARE romance," and i agree. i think i'm in love with all of my close friends, if not all of my friends. it's embarrassing (just a bit) but i have probably fallen in love with all of my friends at least once or twice. this is especially true for my group of college friends (at this point, they are really family). i have been in love, at least once, with all eight of them throughout our four years. i don't actually find this embarrassing like i said earlier. what's embarrassing is that this information might embarrass other people which, in turn, would thoroughly embarrass me. but the fact itself doesn't embarrass me. that is how i am. i fall in love and out of love at breakneck speeds. i think it's important to be a little bit in love with your friends.

i really enjoyed being in undergrad and planning literal dates between all eight or nine of us. and we would call it that. "what are we doing for our date next weekend?" "so who's going on the date tomorrow?" "are we cancelling the date or does the weather not matter?" (the weather always mattered.) my favorite college date was valentine's day senior year. we all went to korean-style karaoke and ordered so much food and drink we could barely stand to sing. we were all sat around the tv singing horribly to mariah carey or beyonce or rapping to nicki minaj verses. we took so many bad pictures and tone deaf videos and we kept leaning or hugging or holding each other's hands. that's another thing i love about my college family. most of us are touchy-feely people. i am a touchy-feely person. i'm southern and my mom is ridiculously gooey so one of my love languages, inevitably, is touch. i, usually, reign it in A LOT unless i have a partner but in college, i somehow discovered a whole group of people who loved to kiss each other on the cheek and hold hands and lean on other people, and lock arms. i felt at home. really.

maybe it's not only about old friends, though. maybe it's about feeling at home.

there was another post on tumblr and i think about it a lot. it's a screenshot of a tweet from twitter user @HumbleCore.

"HUGE NEWS: finally found my best friend from middle school on FB. We've both been looking for each other for over a decade. I told her I think about her whenever I play any boardgame or drive by a church. She told me she uses my name as her password at work. A perfect reunion."

when i read that the other night, i cried. i don't know why. it was heavy and ridiculous and i was worried my roommates would hear me. i don't know why i cried. at all. and even typing it out like that made me want to cry again. the feeling is not as strong or as overwhelming as it was the first time but it's still there.

i think about a best friend i had in first grade. even before i thought of ashley as my best friend (i have known Middle School Ashley since the first grade. i thought we were destined to be best friends forever and ever and ever, which is what i wrote in her middle school yearbook). his name was Malik. or Malique. my memory fails me. but anyway, i loved him like crazy. we didn't do anything without the other. we shared lunch together, we HAD to be partners on every field trip, i cried when Ms. Sanchez moved my seat from his in an effort to stop us from disrupting her lessons and i hated her for an entire week. (a very long time from a first-grade perspective.) even now, i think about him whenever i go to petting zoos or farms and when i ride on yellow school buses with my students.

Malik/Malique was my first kiss. we were hiding from Ms. Sanchez and the other chaperones so we could pet the goats one last time. while we were hiding behind a barn, he kissed me. "for good luck," he said. and then we sprinted across the farm to get back to the goats. and we pet them again before Ms. Sanchez found us and ordered us back on the big yellow school bus where we held hands for the entire hour-long ride back to school.

it's very silly to think now but in high school when i was trying to determine whether i loved my first boyfriend or not i remember thinking, "well, does he make me feel like Malik/Malique?" it's silly but sweet. at fourteen, still comparing the way he made me feel behind a barn at 5 years old to how another boy, years and years later, made me feel. it is silly but i think it's sweet.

i don't actually have any interest in finding Malik/Malique or knowing for certain what he does or how he's doing because i seriously doubt i had such an impact on his life, but i hope he's well and alive and happy because that's what i always naturally hope for when i pass petting zoos or farms or see bright yellow school buses.

so, yes. i think everything, us, our relationships, the entire world, is about old friends. all of it. every last bit of it.

i have a whole-grade data analysis, 300 pages of reading, and two mini-papers for classes to finish before tonight so i'm going to get going... i just wanted to write about old friends first.

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 7 “It's a Hot Mess Express “ - Scott

People are so hard to work with. I get they don't like this challenge truly I do but I just wish they wouldn't keep shutting down every idea I had. It's... annoying. I get that I'm also the problem here. Because if an entire room full of people is saying you're wrong then you're probably wrong but still. I dislike being shut down. I've just been feeling kind of isolated since my name was written down. Even in my own alliance it seems like everyone thinks less of me for being paranoid. It doesn't help that I'm not entirely pop culture savvy so a lot of their convos I'm a bit out of the loop on. Part of me wonders if it's cause I'm in a male dominated environment? I don't think they are sexist but I do think that I'm being unintentionally ignored. Like throughout the duration of this confessional I have submitted 6 ideas/comments to the group and they've either been left in the dust or dismissed. That has to mean something right? Is it my personality? Did I come on too strong with my enthusiasm? Do they think I'm bossy? Socializing doesn't exactly come naturally to me. If anyone had met me 4 years ago you'd probably be in the know. You know that ability where you can pick up what people imply, whether through body language or through hidden meanings. I don't. I literally was born with out that ability and it has done whatever the opposite of wonders are for my life. At first I thought it was fine, I thought hey no big, everything is good, people like me eventually. But then I played Malaysia... A lot of great things came out of that game, a lot of good friendships and memories but in a way it sort of haunts me. When the confessionals came out, for the first time ever I saw what people thought about me. Sure they liked me eventually but they also disliked me. Like really really didn't like me at all. It was my first real interaction with people outside of the treatment school I went to, it was my first real interaction with the rest of the world and people hated my guts. Don't get me wrong I always suspected I was disliked but... to see their actual written thoughts on paper was hard. Of course as they got to know me they started to like me but I couldn't forget that it wasn't always like that. That at one point they looked at me or their screen or whatever and saw a pest. And that's my biggest fear, that I'm the problem. That no matter where I go people see me and are filled with dread or disgust. That people are always wishing me some from of ill because I'm bad at conversation or sort of creepy. Well at least they came to their own conclusions now, maybe they pulled their heads out of their asses or because it wasn't me they were actually able to function. God this spiraled, I only wanted to complain about how shitty my tribe was being not go on this full blown existential rant. Fuck me am I right? I'm not sure what this is going to contribute to the game. There is no hashtag big moves or fun comments but like I already typed this up so I'm not going to delete it like a pussy. 

Ok now we can talk whew. UMMMM not Connor fucking up Duncan's perfect record! Now that I'm over the shock, thank you Connor because I'm 95% sure that obsession is the reason Duncan did the most to make sure Devon voted me instead of him back on Thoth https://giphy.com/gifs/mamovie-stalking-octavia-spencer-eavesdropping-j5uEVYERR0ncYlJ36e Really pleased with how the game is shaping up tbh, assuming I don't lose another music video challenge hahaha. I would LOVE a final 3 with me, Ali, and Devon but I know that's a long way off so I'm just focusing on the here and now. My biggest concern is protecting Ali. Essentially Duncan hit me up to work with him, TJ, and Jordan and I was very much like lol not sure about that. Mainly because Jordan and I don't have a strong relationship? And Duncan was like yeah but he wants to get to know you better and I'm like https://giphy.com/gifs/week-wtf-moments-QjIz1AqkGTszK If that's the case, that needs to come from Jordan and then it's between me and Jordan. Why someone else is interceding on Jordan's behalf is very dicey to me but I'm not that surprised because that continues to be a theme with Duncan: getting me to fit into plans that best suit him. Y'all know DAMN well Jordan Pines don't wanna go to the end with me and the feeling is mutual. But I HAVE to make it work with Jordan or Duncan will get pissy. He literally was like ok well who are you close with and I felt a serious feeling in my gut to not mention Ali. So I said oh I talk to Adam a lot but I wouldn't say I trust Adam. So after telling Ali all of this lmao, we decided I needed to go back to Duncan and say yes because it would keep me in the know and keep both of us safe. Also it allows me to keep an eye on Jordan and Duncan at the same time so we truly stan. And the gag is I'm not scared of Jordan Pines and I welcome the challenge of getting him out so love yall for letting me in through the front door hahaha My new issue is just timing. We'll be ok if we win this next challenge but if not, I could see that alliance targeting Ali. Obviously I have a plan and will put the vote on someone else but I really want to prolong turning on that group for as long as I can. I don't wanna spook TJ and I know killing Jordan will leave me with a pissed Duncan and I really don't need that based on how seriously he's playing. So I'm hoping I can finesse somehow? Maybe one of them gets idoled out at merge and then a blindside on the other won't be as messy. But yeah I keep feeling like the walls are closing in, in terms of allies, and I'm working HARD to make sure I have an exit strategy at all times haha cause fuck these men I'm trying to win again. I "love everyone" which means I have no problem voting out anyone

So let me just make sure i got this right, connor tried to get people to vote for me, they all told me, he "planned" with me to go for liam, then....he votes for duncan and he goes home unanimously? little did he realize when he went around and gave a feeble attempt at rallying people to vote for me, i had already rallied everyone to go for him and made sure everyone knew he was a liar and couldnt be trusted, you know im a firm believer in loose lips sink ships and i absolutely used my big mouth as my weapon to sink his ship. Even if there turns out to be some majority alliance that did this all without me then well...i guess that's another story but im still taking my hard earned credit because either way i got what i wanted one way or another so im here for it, sorry gal! i now find myself in a position i hope i can make some moves with, duncan already just made a vague to comment to me about how "it only takes 4 now" which he's right, and he mentioned autumn, himself, me, and ali. Which, that's a 4 I would love to go forward with for the time being, i like to think ive had good genuine talks with them 3 in particular, and now we can start get together maybe lock something in and if we make it to a merge or even another swap we at least have something to work with with each other, but we'll see, we gotta focus on immunity first now, id love to win just to for sure see any of the other people who lied to me go home oop so while i may be feeling ok now i just have to remember to simmer down and play smart and make the right connections with the right people i need and saying the right things to whomever needs to hear it, because that's what i do best in these type of games to stay alive, i feel like my intuition has been leading me ok so far this game so im just gonna keep basing my decisions off that and charging forward PERIOD and ill damn sure do it with or without the help of the tomb because a bitch can not get in ive tried over and OVER at this point im back to pounding on the door of it just hoping if im annoying enough yall will let me in!

i'll do a proper game confessional later but me and dan are both judges for the svalbard music video challenge and its so sad that we cant talk... its like... this could be us working on a music video if things were different kjlsdfa its missing dan and jake hours

Whew! Sorry about that what happened was I ran out of anxiety meds a few days and that rant was the commutation of being with out sanity pills for three days! Everything is fine! I am fine! People are fine! I am sorry to the future Thoth 2.0 tribe, you are all great, I just get very spirally when I am without some sort of stabilizing force! Sorry to the hosts for using this as a diary this is not a diary this is survivor... Anyway this time I have some more constructive things to add! Okay so things are fine. Dan and I continue to bond, though he had to call me out on being bad at communication in order for our relationship to progress. I get it was like a check point or whatever and frankly I appreciated it. Like I said in my rant yesterday I have massive paranoia when comes to interacting with people and whether they like me or not, so constructive feedback while annoying is always helpful. Plus through research I found that he values a good social game so the fact that he's reaching out and telling me what I'm doing wrong is probably a sign that I'm not a lost cause :D. It turns out we have a few mutual friends our lord and savior John Coffey and also Sarah,... Lynn to be specific there are like a shit ton of Sara(h)s so should probably clarify lol. I want to work with him. I know he's in the majority alliance with the brawn tribe, which also contains Jakey and Jordan. Considering the fact that the beauties are slowly but surely getting eliminated, their favor would be helpful to me and mine. However, I know for sure that one of them wrote my name down. Honestly probably both of them. I know I keep harping on this fact but I just really really don't like the idea of looking like an idiot by aligning with someone who wanted me dead or wanted to fuck with me. If we do lose this challenge we are going to have to figure out who to keep or who to eliminate, I feel like it should be between those two. Mostly because I'm not exactly comfortable with a brawn majority. Like I know how people are saying tribe lines don't matter and while they don't, advantages do. And what more advantageous than being in a majority alliance? If we get rid of a brawn that would make it 4 brains- 4 beauty - 5 brawn. Which seems a bit more fair lol. Also RIP Connor remember how I said he was a threat? Welp I guess this is why they don't ask me for cast assessments :/ and also cause I was dead for like several years.

absolutely nothing has happened in fact i was kinda in a ~mood~ today so i feel like my social game took a big L because i didnt feel like talking to anyone and i was busy so i kept being that bitch to responding once an hour ..... but in other news i finally accessed the tomb, and once i started using more than one brain cell at a time i was able to get in and it was actually about 10x easier than i was making it out to be im not sure WHY i was struggling so much but of course, to no surprise i finally get in and the pedestal is empty AGAIN. Now there's not only at least 1 idol from the last time i went in the tomb gone, but there's possibly a second too, if not an advantage that can easily be played against me. At this point all i can do is try and recover a little bit, tomorrow ill have to just try more with my conversations and hopefully one of the people i can somewhat trust is the person who has whatever was in their time time around but probably not, it's never that easy

okay so i have a video confessional from earlier uploading which is kind of a recap of the last two rounds BUTTT!! liam just finished editing our video and i love it!! he did so good and our tribe all tried our best... im just hoping the other tribe didn't go bananas all out, because if they didn't we should hopefully win... i really wanna win immunity because otherwise i feel like adam is gonna be the vote and i dont want that anymore KJASDFA. i would just be sad because idk who the alternative would even be.... so basically we better win immunity KJLSADFA

Me: Alright everyone, make sure you film horizontally!!! Devon: Fuck you

Honestly!!! I take back what i said about Kendall. I feel like we’re making some strides to work together??? Or she’s playing me? I’m hoping to stir a Devon vote this round because I think he threw the vote on Kendall to piss me off, but who knows. I wanna talk to Jakey and see what he thinks about a me/him/augusto/Amir alliance to get through this vote? Idk I trust him but who knows!!!! Maybe everyone is lying to me??? 

okay... i know i said god is a woman and her name is autumn but its time for the remix. god is a woman and her name is alyssa's mum because alyssa's mum just rescued us from defeat in that challenge JKASDF the judges were kinda unnecessarily harsh but we move on. basically for the other tribe's tribal, i hope jake/dan/devon live... hopefully another scary old school person goes but tbh who knows what is going to happen?! im just so happy to have made f13, i said i'd come 14th in my intro so we love surpassing my own expectations

the immunity challenge went well, we won, which is good because i just didnt feel like going to tribal council because im honestly unsure what the hell is going on, i wanted to feel good about the connor vote because obviously that was my plan from the start however he just made it a little too easy by not talking to a lot of people allegedly, up until right before the vote, i dont think there'd be an easy vote next time we go to tribal, unless ... it's me... am i the easy vote?? i wanna really think im not but its just always too quiet to me when we dont go to tribal there's also lots of talk and speculation about a possible merge at 13, but me and my vivid imagination aka paranoia think maybe another swap of some sort could still happen even if for just another round or 2, i never knew with you sneaky hosts!! also i know we won in the challenge but we wouldve won in the challenge by even more if liam used more footage of my video i sent in i feel like i got no screentime!!! but of course i kept my big mouth shut for once because there's no i in team so ill try not to throw too much of a diva fit but listen... i tried to give yall a DEATH DROP, and i pulled a wig ruveal by snatching off my hat, and i was giving you a whole tik tok dance i made myself..... but there was no way i was doing more than beyonce's part so he didnt have much to work with so touche .... the full version i made will just be deleted scenes for myself ill reflect on when im more mature and think to myself "what the fuck was i doing?" 

So not to my surprise, we end up losing the challenge AGAIN!! I've just accepted that I really don't have any luck in this game. I was really hoping that we'd just win every challenge until the merge because I'm over going to tribal and voting people out. I feel like going to the amount of tribal councils that I have has left a huge target on my back. But at the same time, I'm playing the game more than other are. Maybe I have that going for me, who knows. Anyways, the Thots alliance is deciding on either Devon or Dan for this vote. I basically told them I was good with either, even though I would perfer to keep Devon so that I at least have more of an opportunity to rebuild our relationship. I've made it very clear that if the group as a whole wanted to do Devon that I'd write his name down to prove that I trust this group moving forward. So we decide to go with Dan for this vote, and this doesn't really sit well with Jakey. I'm not surprised by that, since I know he's wanted Kendall out for awhile now. But he is really adamant that he doesn't want Dan to go. Which I get, he thinks that Dan would trust him moving forward. When it comes to Dan though, his social game lacks so much that it's like "I don't even know if I can trust him moving forward". And I think the fact that Jakey more so wants to target Kendall this round instead of Dan is a strong sign for me. I'm pretty positive he has an idol since the brain one has been found and he's lied to me about clues before. So this has me thinking, maybe it's a good time to get Jakey out this round? Thinking about it numbers wise for the future, we don't really need Jakey's vote for a majority this round since the four beauties and myself makes 4, and if we bring in Devon that's 5. Plus, I don't even think that Jakey's under the impression that he would... get voted out this round. He seems offly confident that he's staying, just that Dan's going. But I like to think he'd let Dan be a sinking ship and go.. Idk I'm gonna try to pitch this to Amir and see what he thinks. I kind of tried to hint around it to Augusto that Jakey wasn't cool with it, but Augusto kind of turned a blind eye at that. And I don't trust Kendall with my thoughts since she's very blunt... so I wouldn't be surprised if she leaked my plans. Similarly to what Devon did when I voted him out last week. I'm hoping that Amir will see where I'm coming from and that he might be open to that concept. For all I know, I could be voted out this round. And honestly, that'd be the smart move for them to make because my perception in the game so far has been pretty spot on. I think my self awareness this time around has been an asset for me, so I'm hoping that I can get by this vote and hopefully enter the merge soon. 

Coming back into the game, I knew I needed to open up a bit and start to Slither earlier than I would imagine. After throwing a vote onto Kendall, I broke down any chance between the Beauty and Brawn working together to knock out myself and Scott. I haven't told anyone about my vote, and don't plan to. Going into this vote, Dan should be the obvious choice. OG Brawn hasn't suffered any additional losses in numbers, and I'm just too close with Augusto/Amir/Kendall to consider flipping. In preparation of tonight NOT being a swap, I established an alliance with Amir and Augusto. They are a duo in every sense, but attaching myself to them sets up the opportunity to at least CONSIDER voting out Scott next round. It would have to be between him and Scott. 

All I got to say is oof… I genuinely thought I was on vacation after the last round like I’ve been SO bad about talking to people or at least that’s how I felt cause I was operating at 60% instead of the 110% I do when I socialize. That being said, I have my goals that I want to stick to and see happen. Dan needs to leave this tribal so I can get Jakey out next even if Dan leaving makes me really sad. Dan leaving takes a number away from the Brawn and a number away from Jakey, who I am able to get out by keeping Devon and having him/Kendall/myself/Amir vote for him if we happen to lose again. The alliance of me/Kendall/Amir/Jakey/Scott went on call last night and it was deadass an hour and a half long call where everyone was like “idk who should go but I’m fine with whatever” although… that certainly wasn’t the case. I, personally, made points that were pro-Devon such as Devon not having any clear allies to reunite with at merge and things like that and EVENTUALLY at the last 5 minutes of the call, we decided that Dan leaving is the better option. Scott and I even discussed a Brawn having to go before we even did the call so yeah. One thing I could tell though? Jakey was not having it. I understand his frustration but you can’t have your cake and eat it too. I voted out AJ to prove that I am not here to play by tribal lines and you said you would do the same but here we are… Amir called me last night telling me about how Jakey was trying to strong arm him into voting Devon out because Jakey didn’t want to do Dan… like sir, I’m? I’m very happy that Amir came to me and confided in me to kinda spill out his emotions like that makes me <3 but it also made me wanna pop off at Jakey because I don’t like those approaches in games hgfjdks even if I do really like Jakey, I was just ugh gjfdks. That aside, I feel like I am doing good about getting information and building friendships out here like I’m DEADASS is almost every single alliance on the tribes I’ve been a part of and while I don’t get tons of info from direct sources (ie. Jakey), I get the information from close allies (ie. Amir) which in a way can be even better? That being said, I’ve been way too good at forming friendships that every vote makes me feel really bad? With Dan for example, I adore that man like even if he isn’t the most talkative he’s just amazing. But does Dan benefit my game as much as Devon? Not really, even if Dan wanted to align. I’m sticking to my promise of doing what I have to do and be a little bit more cutthroat than I usually am because I do genuinely want to win this game and I’ll do what it takes to get there. Honestly, I’d be SHOOK if we do not merge next round or the round after ghfjdksm but I’m just trying to plan ahead and look at my connections. My Thoth connections are Amir > Kendall > Devon > Scott > Jakey whereas my Hathor connections are Autumn > Duncan > Adam (?) > TJ > Jordan > Liam M > Ali. If we do merge, making a secret thing with Autumn would be KEY just to have another person in my corner but also I need to connect with a Brawn to be good with them yknow? It’ll definitely be interesting and I can see the merge being messier than a taco bell bathroom BUT I’m hyped at the same time?

How is it already Day 16? There seems to be something seriously wrong with that. Anywho, I've let myself take a quick step back on the social game these last few days. I think I've put in the work to cement a couple strong groups here and can put myself in a good spot, but now I can avoid being the person that probably would be seen as a huge threat in the near future. Once merge hits (which I'm hoping is this next round), I'm going to have to go back to bringing that social game to a 9 (10 is where the Alyssa threat level begins), but right now I'm hopefully putting myself in a good place. In the event we don't have a merge and have one more vote on Hathor, I really think I need to make a move on Ali. I realize I keep saying this and I'm going to feel awful when he sees this all, but he is such a HUGE threat, and I can't let him skate by to where there's no room to stop him. I made that mistake last time in letting the person I knew would win get too far without me being able to stop them. Not this time. Ain't no fucking way.

This may very well be my last confessional lmao. I’m just feeling very paranoid about this vote and honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone votes for me except for Jakey. Or if he even flips to the majority against me. And honestly! I’ve come to terms with it. I really tried my best in the game and I can’t be mad about how I performed in this game specifically. I understand I’m a threat in these games and if people are worried about me end game, quite frankly they should be. I know that I’ve played Tumblr Survivor one too many times and should have quit while I was ahead. I know I’ve talked about working with Kendall and killing Devon, but honestly idk who is voting where. I think I’m going to try to just go with what I think is majority (against Kendall) and just hope to god I’m not going anywhere. I hate having this defeatist attitude, but if I get voted out I’m going to have zero hard feelings and take it in stride. I guess I’m just not cut out to win tumblr survivor ❤️

Our video was so iconic, SHOUT OUT TO ALYSSA'S MOM!!! I should really be making sure im fortifying the bonds i've made but im really just happy to be on break and not have tribal. I've only been to tribal once within a 7 day time span instead of the 4 times in 7 days the brains endured before. I will say i was positively shook to get the vote from connor, but i never thought i could play a perfect game anyways lol. I'm hoping to god that dan or jakey go, i dont want the brawns over here to have other options than autumn and i come merge. Im surprised at myself because im starting to really want to stick with all these people come a merge, i suppose we'll see how it goes and how my attitude changes moving forward. 

Sooooooo I actually felt kind of bad about voting for Dan until he was throwing my name out :/ I guess you can't teach an old dog new tricks. I'm kind of nervous now. Like Jakey told me this and he did the same thing to AJ. Also I haven't heard anything from Scott yet... that's sketchy right? Ugh I swear if I'm voted out then Alyssa's mom, I will meet you in the Denny's Parking lot for a fight. I'm not afraid to throw hands at the elderly, ask Drew. 

We love when men listen to me an in turn we win immunity! This is now the second time that's happened lmao cause I sure did make everyone commit to a time block so we didn't play ourselves in the endurance challenge and I sure did suggest Telephone as the song choice so wooooo Not a lot has happened and I don't have a lot of time to talk to begin with but I have a strong feeling we are not merging tonight lmao. Tbh I look forward to another day on Hathor it's very chill over here, all things considered. Also I need a couple chill challenges the next two rounds cause ya girl is moving, graduating, and leading an underground movement all at the same time so don't set me up with a crazy time-consuming challenge lol

I feel vindicated. Starting off in this game, I was not doing so well gameplay wise. Flash forward, I've been a big contributor physically, and socially too! I've got big plans, and I will carry this tribe again if I have to!

(may've already submitted this but i'm worried i submitted it for day 18?)

Also...

ok let me just start by saying: im in an emotionally FRAGILE state at the moment writing this right after the winners at war finale.....SPOILERS IF YOU HAVENT SEEN BUT I HAVE TO SAY IT....NATALIE AND WINCHELE ROBBED, as inspired as i am by my aries sistren natalie and think she should've won, im even more upset for my fellow beauty sister michele because lowkey? i absolutely LOVE the way michele plays, because in my own head at least i like to think i at least play slightly similar, i like to lay low and just adapt to where i see i can fit the best, anywho thats all ill say on that, back to THIS game dan being voted out last round, was kinda meh, i had the tiniest conversation with him during one world and he did end up giving me some tea about the brawns, but i couldve easily tried working with him later on against the beauties, PLUS him leaving means that none of those false beauties left, which is bad for me because i want them all gone oop and ive worked hard over here trying to make sure everyone knows they are threats even if theyre not working together, they went against me and lied to me, which means i cant trust them or work with them, which means i need to make sure no one else does either it's very nice though duncan has approached me and asked who i was comfortable with incase we did go to tribal and he said him and jordan pines were pretty close and honestly jordan is the only one ive been on a call with this whole game which is fine because anyone who knows me knows i dont care for calls much in this game and that usually hurts me so im hoping its not hurting me this time but truly, im not sure people are approaching me way more with information and plans then they ever have so im hoping thats a good sign, espcially with duncan saying he basically wanted me to be in the know with him, i think i can trust him as of now going foward and i hope the same about jordan pines, because first of all i love his energy and him as a person my fellow stoner crackhead, and second of all let's be real i definitely want to use him as a shield later on cmon the guy has a season named after him, forget denise being the queen slayer, i want to be the king tamer also in good with ali and autumn i think?? i personally enjoy my short little convos i have with them frequently so i just hope we're on the same page, but idk the little voice in the back of my head is telling me it all seems too good to be true almost like a perfect illusion and maybe duncan is tricking me trying to talk to me about "keeping this tribe strong", so i guess we'll have to wait until the next time we go to a tribal together to find out so yeah in conclusion, sorry to dan, and plot twist of the century im rooting for jakey to not be voted out the other tribe? even though im still convinced he could be making me his number 1 target especially if he gets in kahoots with kendall, but im hoping i played them against each other enough during the one world so that didnt happen 

What do ya know....another tribal council. After only being exempt from one tribal, this has become somewhat of a routine. I am extremely confident in the numbers this round. I'm under the belief that everyone will be writing down Jake's name, and Jake will likely be writing down my/Kendall's name. Still, I believe there is a worry about idols. I would hate to be idoled out by Jake after everything I have worked towards...I can't afford to throw my vote on Kendall or Scott with the merge coming up so soon, because it fractures my game going into a potential merge...Somewhat of a "all or nothing" bet tonight.

Me @ the brawns who have been on this tribe: https://media.giphy.com/media/szPZ2NXIGCMcE/giphy.gif

So a couple new developments: 1. Jordan offered me a final two which I'm sooooo excited to see how that's going to turn out. I've really connected with Jordan this game (which admittedly I didn't think would happen before this game), but he's been the person I've confided in the most out here. So I really think this is going to be the start of something amazing. 2. With this F2 deal, Jordan told me that Amir/Jakey knew each other outside of this game. This is bad for me both because Jakey is supposed to be my other guy with Jordan, but also Amir is the person I'd want to target come merge (which should be next round). I have zero connection to him, he's proven to be good at comps, he's won this game before, and he doesn't add into my plan of having numbers on every side. So now I'm in a spot where I think I'll probably have to make a move against potentially my closest / other closest ally in this game. Being safe right before the potential merge feels amazing and opens a lot of opportunities, but is extremely scary knowing who is going to merge. Hopefully come to merge, I have a chance at the merge idol to avoid anyone else having the chance at getting it, because I need some added knowledge in this game.

I am so fucking pissed at Devon. WHY ARE YOU ON THE BRAINS IF YOU HAVE NO BRAIN CELLS!!!!!!! dsfjkaafkjdaldjfjadksjads Great now I get to die!

I don't know why Jakey wants to kill me. I am not a threat. Like at all? Most of the strategies I come up with are bad and I am barely social? Sure I guess I can win like a challenge or two but not enough to be physical? I mean I'm trying to kill him but like... honestly he started it 2 rounds ago. I am a paper tiger worse I am a paper giraffe. Sure I'm tall but basically harmless and only sort of evil. At least I remember why I hated him so much. I don't hate him NOW, I'm 22 years old I have better things to do then hate some guy for trying to win a game. But I am annoyed and inconvenienced by this. Maybe a little hurt too because the only reason I can think to get voted out is because my personality sucks so much that he doesn't see a future where we can work together. Which is fair I guess? But I can't be that awful right? God this game is a constant existential crisis... Also I think people are annoyed with me for being paranoid and shit. Oh I'm sorry people who's name isn't getting written down, I'm sorry I'm not more pleasant while I'm in fear for my metaphorical life. 

It’s a MESS ITS A FUCKING MESS SCOTTIE WANTS DAN OUT DAN WANTS DEVON JAKEY WANTS DEVON DEFON WANTS DAN AUGUSTO AND KENDALL WANT JAKEY AMIR WANTS NOT JAKEY OR AUGUSTO OR KENDALL I literally don’t have number in this game and I’m going to get fucked on at the merge 

Okay so Augusto basically told him that his name was an option for this vote or the next one and Kendall told him that the brawns are bringing up his name and said that he was the throw away vote So now my gut is telling me dan did it and jakey was in on it But I don’t care, if that’s the case Everyone on this tribe wants a brawn out, EVERYONE I just have to make sure it’s not jakey Because Augusto and Kendall want jakey now and I refuse it Rn it seems they r okay doing dan It seems everyone is cool doing dan So I’m happy with that

Jakey is fucking strong arming me r u joking Ndbdjdjsns Jakey talked to scottie And got scottie to want devon So now they’re gonna try and call the alliance tmmrw and change to vote back to devon over dan And if Augusto and Kendall don’t want to Jakey wants to pull brain and brawn to vote kendall like sir I’m literally getting strong armed, and he can’t see why people want dan out I could make a move rn But should I even I probably shouldn’t If they try to get kendall I will flip it on him 

don’t know what to do I’m pleading so hard with jakey rn like hey it’s not good for me to go into merge with 6 brawn 4 beauty (dysfunctional) and 3 brain (dysfunctional) And I said I want to do dan is that okay like jakey u need to choose a side, brawns, or this tribe And he goes If u decide to do dan Then I’m gonna unite dan and Scott and Devon and vote kendall So if that’s the case, I’m sending u home theres no way around it then

Throw back to last night when I hung up on jakey to call Augusto and told jakey that I was taking a shower but literally I was gone for an hour and needed an excuse fast so I told him i shaved my ass call that strategic ass shaking 

Okay so this tribal. Everyone on my tribe thinks jakey is evil and he’s just going to go back to the brawn tribe, which is like, wtf, he literally voted in minority on purpose and gave us leverage on him. Like he literally has put himself on the line multiple times. He ratted out the brawn majority over and over. Like jakey is not loyal to the brawns on the other side at all. The people on this tribe don’t give a shit and my opinion isn’t being heard at all, Kendall won’t budge and Augusto won’t budge, and Scott wants to keep devon. Can I just say scott is a rat, he is playing every single person. Jakey trusted him soooo much . Anyway, everyone wants jakey out for literallt no reason and jakey trusts me 100% and jakey is the best way to get info from the brawns on the other side. Anyway, KDJDKSN KDNDKD we are getting dirty. Jakey has an idol. And I told him he was the vote and I made it sound like it’s all Scott’s decision cuz I’m really tight with Kendall and Augusto, so now, jakey wants to idol out Scott Basically, it’s time for a cluster fuck and it’s time for chaos So at merge jakey and I will play from Opposite sides

so jakey fking tried to flip the vote and he blew up the 5 person alliance to devon and hes fucking up my game so much nkwejfnkew god maybe i will try and get him out at merge even tho i love him, i basically had to ccreate this narrative that jakey thinks that me jakey scott and devon are voting kendall but jakey is actually voting out scott jesus christ thi round gave me a migraine i have a case of the lie-abetes

I- there's nothing else to say hahaha the boys don't even talk game. So when I know something y'all will know something

People are paranoid as hell about a merge. What is there to be paranoid about, honestly? I've just tried to come into this game and have a good time and I think I've achieved that. No one is really looking at me as a threat right now, and there's still plenty of time left to play.

okay so i filmed a video confessional earlier which i will upload but adam just woke me up to the fact that we might be merging tonight?! which is so exciting and kinda crazy.... and the days line up with montenegro for us to be merging... at merge i think all my "laying low" can finally be for something and i can transition the bonds i've been making into making stuff happen. i've also been hosting a game during these quarantine times and i've realised people that do too much making SUCH deep bonds during the early stages become the people the jury is mad at in the endgame. i feel like im the middle ground, people feel close to me (and I would like to think I've come across as likable) without everyone thinking im their soul sister closest ally. at merge i think my "close" people who i can somewhat rely on are: autumn, jake, dan(?), jordan(?) and adam? like i have a core of people with various connections, which gives me some cover. its just about then feeling out the rest and seeing who i can trust amongst the rest... particularly the unknowns of augusto/kendall/scott/amir (assuming they are all at merge). like that is going to be the most important part of the merge stage for me, is figuring out which of them i can trust (and i do think dan and/or jake's opinions can help with this, because brainstorming with autumn helped me figuring out this hathor swap tribe).

i'm excited for merge... i do think i have early juror written all over me but i am also very excited. its time to emerge from the shadows and stumble my way into the light

live fast die young merge boots do it well. i literally am a clown, i got excited by my guess going so well and now i literally am a target the size of the sun exclusively because of my own actions what was i thinking KJASDFA honestly at this point? i embrace it, i push the 'im a shield' narrative and i trot on my little trotters to being mayor of ponderosa. this season i chopped of my own head so will not be the winner and the king, but hopefully i can be a kingmaker? also if me winning the tiebreak sends jake home i literally will be so unspeakably frustrated with myself i will literally... scream. HE PROBS HATES ME. i'm praying he lives i will feel so bad if he doesnt KLASDF

i literally... can not believe i am so stupid my lack of braincells really boggles my mind

So I was really hoping that we would win this challenge today because I like everyone on this tribe. But of course with my luck in this game, we lose AGAIN. And it's a shame because I like the Thots Alliance and i feel bad voting out Devon. I know he's someone who trusts me and although I don't 100% trust him, I know that he's someone I can depend on. Plus he makes a really good goat at the end, so it'll make winning more of an obstacle for me without him there. To my surprise however, Kendall and Augusto approach me with the idea of voting out Jakey. I really like Jakey and I practically see him as my #1 here, so voting him out would be difficult for me to do as well. We've discussed the idol together, he gave me his CBS all access account info to watch the finale, and hes one of the very few smart people in this game. So on a personal level, this is a hard decision to make. However, from a game perspective, it might be the right call. Jakey's setting himself up to be a swing vote at the merge, and the fact that he campaigned for Dan to stay and was adamant on not voting him out shows that. When it comes to Devon and I, I would prefer to not vote Devon out but if I needed to in order to show that I trust an alliance moving forward I would. So the fact that Jakey doesn't see it like that is alarming to me. In addition to that, I know that Jakey has lied to me multiple times in this game. He purposefully gave me the wrong idol clue for one of the matches, and when I called him out on it he bluffed it up. On top of that, I know for a fact that he voted for Kendall during the AJ vote. And the fact that he's trying to play it off on Devon goes to show the lengths he would go to make sure he controls everything. And on top of that, he wants us all to tell Devon straight up that he's going. Like... did he not learn from my story when I tried to do that? It can't happen. From a game perspective, voting out Jakey is the more logical choice to make. He can navigate better in a group of people and is aware of whats going on. Devon on the other hand, doesn't even know where the idol is or how to look for it. Devon is someone who you can take into a merge and know what he's going to do. Jakey is more unpredictable. And I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to rally up troops to blindside me when that time came. From a personal perspective, I prefer that Devon goes just because of the lack of trust between us and the fact that I don't ever see myself fully trusting him. Sadly I have to lose this battle in order to win the war at the end. So I'm going to vote Jakey out tonight and really hope that it doesn't come to bite me in the but or that he doesn't play his idol (i know he has one, its obvious with how paranoid he's been)

Guess I’m gonna cry because we lost… by a tiebreaker… it was sad. I feel especially awful because had I not made the mistake of repeating a name on my list during my 8th guess, we could’ve very well have won… but no one needs to know that! It just blows because going into a potential merge in a 7-5 scenario is NOT it. Plus like, their only vote was a unanimous vote for Connor which like… love Connor, but a rock could vote Connor out. I wanted to see tension, I wanted to see idols played, I wanted to see hands thrown, I wanted to see lines drawn, and I wanted to see messiness but all I ended up seeing? Disappointment. I hate it here deadass (‘:

Aside from being kinda sad we lost, I do feel super secure. Last round, I wanted Dan to leave to get rid of Brawn numbers and have the best chance to get Jakey out and now I have that! I know Amir is on the fence but I know Kendall and Devon would be all for it (Scott is as well, but I didn’t really know how much he’d be about it until this round) so it needs to happen. While I adore Jakey as a person and we’ve connected a lot, our strategic games don’t align at all since he doesn’t tell me much of anything? Most of his info goes to Amir or Scott and I’m being selfish here but I want all the tea (‘: plus him playing double agent with the Brawns at merge is not what I need if we’re going into the merge with not enough numbers. Not only that but Adam is a wildcard in terms of if he’ll work with me or not but Jakey being there with us makes it so Adam wouldn’t want to so there’s that. Girl… i sound like a whole ass gamebot wtf ghfdjnms

It’s so weird like I am extremely proud of the game I am playing but I still feel inadequate as a player? I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others because I’m ME but my two closest allies (Kendall, Amir) are playing so much better? Amir is able to get all the tea in the world and form those important game connections which I don’t feel like I can yknow? With Kendall, she is just so bold (and beautiful) with her gameplay in a way I could never like she doesn’t mind being the secondary target, she talks to everyone and talks game with everyone, and stuff like that. So in a way, I’m probably not a major threat to people because those two icons are here BUT I also don’t know if that’ll make me seen like a non-factor… that’s just how I feel going into merge and it’s kinda mehhh idk ;-;

MERGE IS COMING. TOnight actually, people are speculating, but im the only one with the certainty that its tonight and im feeling wonderful. I think if I play my cards right Im gonna have a lot of options come merge. God pending Kendall does not die tonight (hopefully her beauties keep her alive) im gonna suggest we secret pair beware this shit and tsart working from opposite sides to keep each other safe. That will allow me to pick of people Im not working with, while hopefully ensure that people im not with who are with her will be detered from targeting me. Thats my plan but who knows what the true dynamics of merge will be. Ive been playing quiet so far but im about to become the star of teh show, my ego just cant take it.

i really feel like by getting a five i got jake voted out and i want to scream i literally am gonna be out for blood if he goes

[ryodan]

I am conflicted about sasusaku. I shipped it hardcore when I was younger then bore resentment toward him when he defected and caused my queen sm pain. Now, though, I adore and cherish Sasuke as a member of team7 and a character. In SS pairing there are things that he does that makes me iffy. I'm not at all blind to his affections to Sakura but like when he put her in a genjutsu of him stabbing her… he could've put her in lala land but instead stabbed her. Why though? Im so conflicted. Help?

See, to be honest with you this is the kind of ask that can always get me stumped and it’s the reason why I have never argued with a Sakura stan about SasuSaku. I always mention this as if it weren’t obvious enough; I am a Sasuke stan. Before even being a fan of the series and before being any type of shipper, first and foremost, I am always just a little shit here for Sasuke. Asking me questions like ‘did Sakura deserve better from Sasuke?’ ‘did he hurt my queen?’ won’t get you the greatest answer from a Sakura stan’s POV, and that is why ic you have not noticed most my posts/answered asks are from Sasuke’s POV or are just me defending her against asshats with double standards shitting on her for caring for him; or just defending her with no context to SS. This question gets me thinking and I am not sure my answer will satisfy you. However, Let me try to do this to the best of my ability.

‘Did Sakura deserve better?’

Short answer: yes, but it’s not really a sasusaku thing.

Did Sasuke leaving the village cause pain?

Yes, of course it did. When someone you care about to the point of feeling like you’ve become a family is suddenly out of your life it hurts like hell, both Naruto and Sakura can relate. Heck, even Kakashi who had become an almost father figure to them can.

However, put yourself in Sasuke’s shoes, he is a 12 year old child who has been manipulated into carrying the moral burden of his family’s massacre since the age 7. Seven is such a MALLEABLE age, his brain was literally molded like clay and he was taken advantage of since a very influential age. Since age seven sasuke viewed avenging his family to be the sole purpose he was allowed to live, he literally viewed himself to be someone not worthy of killing for five years of his life. The fact that he came so far during his time with T7 is a miracle in it’s own right, he was emotionally healing with them. It got to a point where even Orochimaru’s influence using the curse mark was weakening because he loved these 2 so much

And then this comes along 

In the same scene, sasuke is stripped of both his pride and his sanity.

Having not only been shown his own parents and clan being murdered on repeat for twenty four hours  but also beaten bloody to get reminded of his own weakness. 

He trained all this time, thought himself getting physically and mentally stronger only to end up in this state

And he ended being even further manipulated into hatred

That day left him out of commission in the hospital for the time period naruto spent learning the rasengan and looking for tsunande; he was unconscious the entire time, and it was not even the physical attack that knocked him out, but rather, the mental ones.

Naruto took about four and a half weeks to learn the Rasengan

Despite all of this, he still wanted to slip out the village without hurting anyone’s feelings face to face. Sakura and Naruto both chased after him because they both loved him and did not think he was making the right decision by leaving. I’d like to highlight, sasuke himself said the characters misunderstood his motivations; his arc was never about just revenge, but also it’s been about justice. I truly feel for both Sakura and Naruto who were hurt by their loved one leaving; I cried during the confession, and God knows how much I cried during Sasuke and Naruto’s fight. But, it’s possible to feel for both of them while being objective, and in all honestly I find Sasuke perfectly justified in leaving and in fighting Naruto who instigated the fight himself.

Sakura got lucky with this

And I’d like to mention that Sasuke not once: interrupted her, belittled her feelings, called her stupid for loving him or anything of the sort. He respected her feelings and he had enough affection to give a thank you for it. What should he have said? ‘Yeah no, only interested in revenge atm’? lie and say something like ‘I hate you’?

He opted for letting her know she has been in his memories and that he has grateful for everything

(Mind you this is a mistranslation, he said uzai meaning annoying)

He even gave her answers for why he is leaving.

And it’s not like he was not just as affected by leaving and hurting the people he cares about either..he was also giving up his only hope of happiness

But he was literally manipulated into this since age SEVEN

Naruto is upset his friend whom is one of his first bonds is leaving to Orochimaru who clearly has ulterior motives, not understanding that sasuke already knows that

Sakura is upset the boy whom her crush for has grown into love is leaving and isolating himself for a ‘revenge’ she does not realize isn’t the main thing on the table for him

Sasuke is upset about his brother who’s killed his family being out there and about leaving the people he’s grown to care so much about. Sasuke left his fight with Naruto remembering his family while shaking with the pain of loosing everything, so it’s hard for me to place sakura above him in this situation.

See what I mean by sympathy is given to everyone but there is clearly someone with a stronger footing in the situation? 

What about the pain Sasuke caused because of what he was doing outside the village?

here is what sasuke was not justified on doing in terms of Konoha 

He is justified in hating Konoha, and getting angry over the political tyranny and the nationalist views it had that got his clan massacred and then threw the burden of the situation on his brother. He simply had a period of chronic insanity intensified by his curse of hatred; and that only grew with his pain and by overusing his mangekyo that comes at the price of insanity and vision.

His logic was a huge 180 from the Sasuke we we’re used to. he was no longer someone who believed in no killing under any circumstance; but now is willing to kill opponents after giving them a fair warning, since Konoha, whom he previously thought to be a good place can do it, and Itachi whom he previously believed to be evil but is now considered ‘perfect’ (god do i have my issues with itachi) had done it, it’s no longer an off the table option for him..He essentially had an existential crisis (paired with a panic attack that left him unconscious) that left his moral code completely shifted. 

But you also have to understand his pain

even Kakashi who got this from him

acknowledged that while sasuke might be in the wrong, he was still a victim of his surrounding situation (god i love kakashi)

Speaking of murder eyes, Sakura still got lucky she got off with what she got off with while dealing with such an unstable person

 Sasuke might be in the wrong; but expecting him not to retaliate when he knows she is out here, wearing her konoha head band and official cape, trying to kill him is pretty?????? She wanted to kill him, but he still gave her a chance (which ofc she would not take, she is not going to kill an innocent person) no murder eyes involved until it was clear to him what his intentions were. At this point, even sakura knew he was very far into the rabbit hole

he even softens a little when shes all like : ) ill betray konoha 4 u bb

Sasuke has never instigated a murder on sakura that she did not start herself, by ninja standards totally justifiable; they are 2 fighters meeting on field. This is not me saying Sakura is a bad person for attacking Sasuke, she too had full rights 

*when sasuke attacked her team mates she wanted to fight him and bring him back home

* when sasuke could have had a war starting in his name, started attacking villages and ‘joined’ a terrorist organisation 

Given all these circumstances they both had rights to fight each other 

Sad, but true

What about the war arc?

There is good things

Misunderstood things, due to mistranslations. Sasuke asks her literally ‘if you heard what can you do?’ and she does not answer because she couldn’t do much in that situation. He was not scolded on being a bully like some anti-sasuke folk want it to be, he was scolded on not being a team player.

The bad scenes include the lava pit comment which naruto called him out on as a bitch ass liar (he deserved that one tbh)

And of course the genjutsu. See, I don’t try to justify it and if a sakura fan dislikes sasuke and sasusaku because of it I can’t tell them anything. 

I can go in circles saying ‘oh but he cared! he was trying to cut off every bond to enter true darkness! he cared about her so much and the only way to ensure she writes him off forever is to do a violent type! naruto got murder!! she would have got hurt! he was preventing her getting physically hurt!’ and it’s all true but it does not answer ‘did sakura deserve that for just asking him not to kill the 5 kage and sit his ass down?’ because the answer to that is no; under no circumstance was he justified to do that, as commented on by kakashi.

But it’s important to remember at this point sakura is not trying to get in a romantic relationship with him, had that been the case it would have been THAT much more problematic, she was just trying to help.

You start asking fundamental questions if you ask ‘should she and naruto chase him to help?’ Sasuke asked them multiple times not to but at this point team 7 has become family. They could not just sit still and watch someone they cared about so much fuck up his own life and the life of others.

To Sasuke team 7 was hope and love after loss, to naruto they were the people who saved him from the darkness, to kakashi it’s the light at the end of the tunnel and to Sakura it’s where she grew up, where she faced life for what it is and arguably after ino were her first friends who helped her blossom into who she is. They really did not want to give up on that.

With all that in mind, I find it hard to believe these two could give up on sasuke.

He viewed them as family too, he too understands too well that the love you have for your family; the selfless, unconditional love that can cause a hell of suffering

Even a god believed there was hope.

When sasuke’s ideology stemmed from his beliefs that were about common interest above personal feelings he said this

and this

After everything, he had seen no reason for her to continue loving him; and it does not matter how he feels, since they have no common interest; he’s too busy trying to take over the world and she is thinking of a happy ending full of regained bonds

and he was right! Sasuke and Naruto officially ended the cycle of hatred begun by Kaguya and her grandchildren, and that’s when sasusaku got together.

had sasuke not been genuinely sorry I would have boarded off this ship, but he was. 

a romantic relationship only officially happened after this, even after sasuke stayed in konoha for a year after the war and whatever happened between them happened, he still did not allow himself a chance to enjoy these things because he was working off his sins.

In fact, in Shinden (I own it) it’s revealed he is working on himself because he was afraid of having intimate relationships without going off the rails again, despite longing to see team 7 again. What I am trying to get to is:  whatever punishment you want inflicted on sasuke, don’t worry he’s inflicting on himself/the world is inflicting it on him,,in fact I reckon this poor kid deserves a break, some tomato soup and a good tight hug. 

What about romantic sasusaku?

SasuSaku happened under great, healthy conditions and it’s not like sasuke is incapable of making sakura happy. You can only imagine (sadly no bitch is animating it) how much happiness she felt travelling around with a happy, free of hate sasuke and I 1000% believe he did his best to make her happy and I reckon it worked since she seems chipper despite the circumstances in gaiden…must have been one really good trip to have it’s after effects lingering for 12 years LOL

He makes her happy and she loves him and loves seeing him happy, and she has that forever now so I don’t really think Sakura is sad to end up with Sasuke and really neither should you

What does sakura deserve?

- More fights as given to her male counterparts to show her amazing skills, we want to see the genjutsu skills she’s renowned for

- More medical ninja scenes, the Kankuro one was iconic and was literally one of the most epic moments in the SERIES; more of the stuff showing her intellect please

- Her personal arc to be expanded on just as her male counterparts 

- To be involved in more important information just like her male counterparts, the entire sasuke fiasco could have been avoided and could have opened a door for some deep sasusaku moments

- Her emotional moments were the type that give you chills, more of those just as her male counterparts 

- An animation studio that does her justice in animation

- An animation studio that uses fillers to expand on her, not one that pulls shit like this to make her look immature and unlikable 

- A fanbase not full of ugly sexist boys who hate on her unnecessarily 

- A fanbase not full of insecure self inserty girls who hate her for being in place of their self insert 

- A better fucking plot for Gaiden

But, don’t take it out on sasuke or sasusaku man, don’t take it out on something you like. I love the judgmental couple that overcame everything.

Ultimately whether you believe she deserved better from Sasuke is completely up to how much you are willing to interpret both characters evenly. And ultimately, whether you like the dynamic of the ship or chose it’s not for you, is also completely up to you..it’s atypical and I understand why it might not be someone’s cup of tea. I only get annoyed when it’s unnecessary bashing of the relationship and the characters that sometimes extends to insulting real life people and their beliefs. Not cool.

Thanks for the ask and I hope this was not too sasuke centered hehe, also sorry for the late reply I have 78 asks in my box and it’s very hectic as I also have studying and socializing to keep up with.

Thank you again!

[noxitic-blog]

"Soon"

I JUST HAD A SAD KLANCE AND VOLTRON FAMILY FANFIC IN MY HEAD . HERES GOES NOTHING .

Keith and Lance where both fighting Axca and Ezor . Keith had the upper hand against Axca , meanwhile Lance was having a difficult time due to ezors ability to be invisible . Keith sees that lances is having difficulties and tries to help him , only to be stopped by Axca . He had no choice other than to defeat Axca and save Lance later.

“Lance . please hold on a little longer”

Every minute passing by , Lance gets weaker and weaker , hes unable to block to her fast shots . His shots werent also landing on her due to her invisibility and fast cloaking …..his hope starts to wither , Can he win this fight at all? . Ever since he piloted the Red Lion , he questioned his abilities . Allura pilloting the blue lion learned new techniques faster then he did . Hunk and Pidge were the brains . Shiro and Keith were the leader and had good fighting abilities . His fighting ability is good ,but he always had to argue with his head due to his brain telling him to give it up and . Ever since then , He starts to question his stand on the voltron team , was he holding the team back ? Was he even useful in fights? Was he always going to be the 7th man? .

As Lances starts to lose subconscious , Ezor uses the oppertunity to finish him off due to his weak state , she prepares her final attack . Lances visions starts to slowly blur and he starts to remember his home town , his mom and his family . The beach he always loved , the pilot simulator with Pidge and Hunk , saving Shiro and meeting Keith and arguing how he was the one to save Shiro , his first time piloting the blue lion , meeting Coran and Allura . And lastly his vision is Keith smiling at him and telling him

“leave the math to Pidge”

the flashbacks ends and ezors deadly attack hits Lance . Keith was busy fighting Axca when he heard a loud cracking beam he turns to see what happened and saw lance on the floor bleeding from his stomach and mouth . Then another loud sound was heard , it was Shiro , Pidge and Hunk . Shiro yelling at Keith to go to Lance

“keith go to lance , we will attack these two!!”

Keith agreed and started running towards Lance and terrified due to the amount of blooding coming out of lances body .

Keith pulls up Lances upper body towards his lap

“Get it together Lance , we will get you to the ship and get you healed up ”

Lance weakly looks up at Keith and asks with a weakly voice

“did you think I was a good addition to the team?”

Keith gets a flashback of their talk they had when Lance walked to his room to talk about the lions and whos piloting which lion , up until now , he never realized . Lance wanted reassurance that he was wanted in the team , that he was important and not a standby . He realizes that Lance would step down due to the fact that he felt he wasnt good enough . Keith realizes and starts shouting

“idiot , youre the sharp shooter of this team right ? , youre the one who stopped me from going getting everyone killed when Shiro wasnt here to guide us , now Im getting you out of here and getting you onto the ship ”

Keith picks up Lances and puts him in his back . Lance lays his head on Keiths shoulder and heading facing opposite from keiths face . Keith turns his head towards Lance .His face turned the other way . Only the back of his head was to be seen .

“youre vital to this team , youre the blue lion , now the red lion . Dont ever think of yourself as a burden , because thats far from what you are ”

Lance turns to look at Keiths face he had a look of determination , sincerity , but also a troubled on his face .

Lance was confident that Keith said that out of his heart and not out of pity . He was always straight to thhe point . Lance smiles and lays his head on keiths shoulder now getting a side view of Keiths face . His mullet was tickling his chin . He giggled a little bit .

He was thankful for everything and anything that was given to him for every oppertunity that was brought upon him . Saving the world wasnt such an easy job and he was glad he was apart of voltron family . Lance smiles and tears stream down his face and says “thank you ….keith” .

Keith stops at his steps and started to worry as couldnt feel Lances heartbeat pouncing on his back anymore . He glances at Lance . And he saw the dried tear streaks , the blood and marks from battle ,he was saw that his face seemed content and a smile can be seen on his lips .

Shiro , Pidge and Hunk were still fighting Ezor and Axcia , Prince Lotor ordered both of them to evacuate immediatly and left . Shiro , Pidge and Hunk started to run towards Keith and Lance and start to slow down as they saw Keith slowly pulling lance off his back and into his lap . Keith shocked and terrified . He didnt want to believe what he was seeing . Shiro , Pidge and Hunk go to Keiths side and see Lance looking peacful in his slumber . Slumber as they thought until theyve seen how lifeless his body was . Stomach wasnt moving . No signs of him moving whatsoever . Three of them in shock and tried to tell themselves that this wasnt real . Just a stupid dream . A prank by Lance himself .

A voice stopped them from their thoughts and the voice was contacting them from the main ship , it was two people . Coran and Allura. Both commanding them to the ship immediately before the place turns into ashes .

The three of them of them looked at one another and back at Keith , Keith was still denying the reality of it all . The reality of loosing someone close to him yet again , first it was his mom and dad and now …. its Lance . Shiro saw distress look on Keiths face stepped in , he laid his hand on Keiths shoulder and said “Lets get him back on the ship and see if Allura or Coran can help him ” Keith actually agreed and didnt hesitate

“Yeah we should , hes just sleeping hurry lets go and wake him up h-he needs to heal ”

Keith carried Lance bridal style and started running towards his Red Lion . Shiro , Pidge and Hunk looked at Keith as he ran towards th the red lion . Still in shock from whats happening , they keep telling themselves .

“Lance is just goofying around like he usually does ”

was the only thing they can think of as to not accept the reality of it all . The three of them wanted to think he was still alive and well . It was the only way to keep their sanity alive . They looked and each other and ran towards their lions .

Keith got into the lion and layed Lance down in his lap . Keith tries to get the red lion working ,but The red lion was not complying with Keith. This wasnt his lion anymore . The red lions new paladin was Lance . Keith gritted his teeth started banging on the control pannels and screams

“Please ! Red lion , please , I NEED TO GET HIM TO WAKE UP PLEASE DONT DO THIS TO ME RIGHT NOW” Keith started begging for the lion to get it to start up .

“Please I know youre not my lion anymore , but we still have a connection together . you were my first Lion . and I need to help my friend PLEASE” screaming on the top his lungs and the red lion lit up and started functioning. Keith held on to Lances lifeless body As The Red Lion started heading towards the ship .

When they were inside the ship . Keith carried Lance and ran straight towards Coran and Allura . Behind him was Shiro , Pidge and Hunk running . Keith entered the room where Allura and Coran was and screamed

“ALLURA CORAN PLEASE I NEED YOUR HELP”

Allura and Coran to turn around to see Keith carrying Lance . Allura and Coran shocked to see Lances body badly wounded . They were worried about what happened to him. Keith puts Lance down and scrambles on his feet grab Allura and Corans hand to begged of them to bring back Lance . They were both shocked .

“What do you mean bring him back keith?” Allura questioned him , afraid of the answer but wanted to hear it anyways .

“He-hes still alive I know it , but please try to do something to get him moving again”

Allura and Coran both frooze . L-lance is gone? Lance is gone? N-no thats impossible .

The three of them walked in . They saw Keith on his knees begging Allur and Coran .

Shiro, Pidge and Hunk started heading towards Lance .

Pidge looks at Lance and says “h-hey stop messing around now , wake up hey! ” Pidge recieved no respond .

“P-please , Lance ” .. Pidges voice starts to tremble and shake “T-this isnt funny anymore ” she couldnt stop the tears forming in her eyes . “Hes….really gone..?“Pidges glasses starts to steam as strong tears starts streaming down her eyes . Realization was hitting her hard , she didnt want to believe hes gone . The tears wouldnt stop , she huged Lances body and repeatedly shook him and said “P-please Lance dont do this to us , wake up ”

“No no not you to , first my father and brother . N-now its you”? !!? Why is life heing unfair to me?!! “ Pidge crying on Lances lifeless body cradling him hoping he would wake up soon. Hoping it was just a stupid prank .

Hunk and Shiro looking at Lances body on the floor . Hunk started to walk towards Lance and Pidge slowly , Hunk sits on his knees and grabs Lances right arm , taking his hand and holding up to his cheek.

” He B-budy” Hunk couldnt stop his voice from croaking . He closed his eyes and held Lances hand tighter . “Lance , r-remember when we trai-ning on the pilot simulator?” Hunk opened his eyes looking at Lance for an answer . Hunk closed his eyes again , he didnt want to see his face like this . Bruised up , and lifeless . He had a smile , but a smile that saddens him because it meant im at peace please continue on without me…

“R-remember when we met Shiro and Keith , you were bickering with Keith , saying you were the one to save Shiro”

-Flashback-

“no no no no , im going to be the one to save shiro”

Lance says as he moves the table and grabs Shiros other arm .

Keith looks at Lance questioningly and asks “ who are you”

“Who Am I ? The names Lance” looks at Keith and keith still looked clueless .

“We were at the same class at the garrisons” keith asks “really?Are you an enginner ”

Lance answers “No im a pilot , we were like rivals you know lance and keith neck to neck”

“Ohh wait I remember you , youre a cargo pilot ”

“Well , not anymore im fighter class now thanks to you washing out ”

“Well congratulations”

Flashback ends .

Hunks voice starts to crack and tears rolls down his face . “R-remember when we first came here at the castle . And met Allura and Coran , you catched allura started to flirt with Her” hunk sniffled and laughs a little -flashback- Lance catches Allura Allura looks up at Lance , and asks

“Who are you?”

“Im lance , and youre right here in my arms”

-flashback ends-

“ remember when we first couldnt form voltron”

flashbacks of all of them trying to form voltron from the ground up , but wouldnt work and they tried every single tactic and it was no use . Everybody was drained and wanted nothing more then to lie down and rest .

Hunk opens his eyes , he still wasnt getting a response , He couldnt contain himself any longer and started cry profusely . Pidge looked up to see Hunk . They both look at each other and cried hard . Truly they were heartbroken by the loose of there team mate and a good friend . Hunk looks back at Lances face again

“I-if you dont wake up you wont be able to eat my special meals anymore ”

Pidge offers her hand to Hunk and Hunk puts her hand on his other cheek .

“If - you dont wake up , we wont be able to make anymore good and bad memories ”

Hunk let out a loud cry , he couldnt surpress it any longer . His friends lifeless body next to him , he realized they wont be able to hear his jokes and picklines anymore , not able to hear his voice anymore , not feel his presence , not form voltron without him .Everything would be so dull without him .

Shiro looks at Keith , Coran and Allura and looks at Hunk and Pidge crying over Lances body .

Shiro felt horrid due to the fact that he told Keith that maybe Coran and Allura can help , but that only lead the boy clinging on to the hope that was never there . He didnt know what to say or think at the time , yet he was the leader . He haded to know what to say to Keith . He was a bad leader .

“no shiro its no the time to think about that right now” as he told himself in the head , he started walking towards Keith , Allura and Coran .

Allura on the verge of tears and Coran trying to stop Keith from doing the unimginable and wake up to reality . Allura speaks

“Im so sorry Keith , theres nothing I c-can do . Hes already gone” keith was ready to retort . Suddenly , Shiro puts his hand on Keiths shoulder and Keith turns around , “Please Keith , go see him and say everything what you need to say ” Keith turned around to face Shiro wide eyes about to explain that Allura can save him she has powers maybe she ca- Keiths trained of thought stopped when Shiro started speaking .

“its not easy for us , The pain of loosing someone close to us , the pain is unbearable …… I know its hard for you to accept right now , but please dont try to push the impossible to be possible.

Keith looks at Shiro and looks back at Coran and Allura . Coran and Allura looks dreadful from the battle and also sorrowful from the news of the loosing a team mate . Keith realized his mistake . He wasnt the only one mourning for Lance . People in this ship were his friends to . He wasnt alone on this .

“I-im sorry Allura and Coran . ” Keith looks down on his feet and started walking towards Hunk and Pidge . Pidge and Hunk looked up at the shadow above them . Keith looked down and saw their running nose and blood shot eyes .

Keith sits next to both of them . And looks up at Lances face . Keith smiles and looks down again . And grabs onto Lances shirt .

….you idiot” he whispered “ you werent supposed to die , your mission was not to die and … save people ” Hunk and Pidge look at Keith and put their hands on his shoulders .

..y-you have n-no idea how much you mean to this group , ye-t you belittle yourself” Keith started to talk more louder , he looked up at Lances face again , Tears streaming down his face slowly .

“Y-oure important to us , important to me ” Keith whipping out the tears that stream his face

“You saved me from making bad decisions that wouldve jeporadized our lives …. comforted me …. youve made us laugh , saved peoples lives … yet how can you belittle yourself and say you were never enough or good? ”

keith was angry at Lance , but sadden that he had to carry that fake screen of being happy go lucky all the time , when he was crumbling inside .

Shiro , Coran and Allura walked over to the rest of the team mates and they all huddle together next to Lance .

“T-thank you for everything Lance , Im so sorry Iv hit you many times , ignored your pick up lines , but as time came , we bonded and became good friends . I-im really glad I had the honor of piloting the blue lion .” Allura broke into tears as she remembers all memories they all had together.

“Y-you were to me , like a son , young fella . You are handsome and always capable of making people laugh and brighten up their mood ” Coran put his right arm on his heart

“Thank you for being a brave warrior and savior of the universe young fella” he bowed down his head and paid respects to a fallen comrade .

“L-lance , Im really glad you and I met . Im glad I met everybody in here . Being praised by you , forming voltron with you , saving people with you . It - it was all …….

Shiro broke down , he couldnt take it anymore , yes he was a leader alright , but there are times that emotions can take a hold of you to the point of not being able to hold in any longer . Yes hes a leader . A leader who leades the way to victory . A leader who leades with no msitake and shows no emotions . Leaders are supposed to show everything , the good and the bad . Its never never bad to cry . Its Never bad to show emotion for a fallen comrade . Fallen friend .

“Thank you for all the times youve made us laugh , saved us and most of all , thank you for being a good friend” Shiro along with everybody bawled . Keith looked around . These people . Lance

“Do you see this?” The faces of the people that love you “ ……..

Keith looks at Lance . Still smiling on his deathbed .

“L-lance we all love you , thank you for everything . ” Hunk hiccuped and hugged Coran for support . Coran massaged his back and whiped away his snot with tissue .

Keith grabs Lances hand holds it tight . Not ever letting go . Not yet .

“ L-lance , t-thank you for being a rival , a friend ……. thank you for giving me a chance to ……like somebody like you ”

Keith smiles as he takes his other hand and caresses his cheek softly .

“See you soon”

[devouer]

unusual asks: 1-100,,,,, All of them,,,,,

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora?

spotify!!!

is your room messy or clean?

clean usually, although it’s weird right now with moving back home and getting rid of pretty much everything I owned before this year

what color are your eyes?

dark brown!

do you like your name? why?

i like elma ling but not elma very much just because of the flow + because my host family used it to differentiate me from my host sister emma so I associate it with warmth and familiarity + it’s cute and reflects my heritage?? idk I feel like it fits me well enough

what is your relationship status?

marrying @katsudaddy and adopting our dog cranberry and our cat sock and living in a cozy apartment together

no but rly im single but so involved in my friendships that like... honestly I put no difference in commitment between them and romantic relationships

describe your personality in 3 words or less

grateful, I think, more than anything! I hear things like sincere and mature pretty often too, but I think love and thankfulness define my perspective towards others more than anything

what color hair do you have?

dark brown

what kind of car do you drive? color?

I don’t drive

where do you shop?

a lot of MUJI and uniqlo ngl + a bit of zara/h&m + school apparel + thrifting

how would you describe your style?

minimalist but dreamy? kind of a mix of european and asian styles

favorite social media account

instagram probably! I use tumblr and snapchat quite a bit too

what size bed do you have?

I mean, I had a twin in france + at school, but here I have a full which makes me very sad it’s too big for one person so I’m trying to switch rooms/beds with my brother

any siblings?

my brother, who’s 13! I also have five host siblings even if they’re not my real family :’)

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?

honestly, considering the languages I know right now, I’d want to live on the west coast of france – there’s nowhere I feel more at home in terms of the people and lifestyle, and I love the way the light endures in the evening and the delicate beauty of patchwork cities and gardens... I’d love to live for some time in Russia, China, and Japan for language acquisition, though!

favorite snapchat filter?

I never use the filters omg but hm I love when @katsudaddy sends me bunny filter snaps she is cute

favorite makeup brand(s)

colourpop is the bomb! + nuxe, la roche posay, and the body shop are good for skin and beauty things that aren’t makeup

how many times a week do you shower?

probably around 5

favorite tv show?

YURI ON ICE

shoe size?

36 EU/6 U.S.

how tall are you?

5′2″!

sandals or sneakers?

sneakers!

do you go to the gym?

I work out regularly, but not at the gym bc it was too expensive in france >:( I’ll probably start going now that I’m back, though!

describe your dream date

picnic and museum or exploring tbh... or going to the sea at a quiet hour... anything rly what matters is the other person!!

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?

around $40 I think

what color socks are you wearing?

not wearing socks atm, but was wearing grey socks earlier!

how many pillows do you sleep with?

one usually

do you have a job? what do you do?

I’m camp counseling this summer!

how many friends do you have?

probably a good dozen, although I have around 4-5 really close friends!

whats the worst thing you have ever done?

clarify worst

whats your favorite candle scent?

LAVENDER I LOVE EVERYTHING LAVENDER it reminds me of home and early autumn in the loire and the fields of provence and my favorite honey :’)

3 favorite boy names

remi, alexeï, antonin

3 favorite girl names

irene, tereza, kiyoko

favorite actor?

the 12 year old in me is still hopelessly in love with orlando bloom

favorite actress?

katherine reber class of 2017

who is your celebrity crush?

nathan chen......................

favorite movie?

i rly love amélie!

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book?

i read a decent amount, but used to read all the time before hs! my favorite book is The Unbearable Lightness of Being by milan kundera!

money or brains?

um brains lmao I don’t like having many physical possessions

do you have a nickname? what is it?

elmy, elm tree, elmdog, soup dumpling, soup, xiao long bao, red bean, elma ling was a sort of nickname that became my normal name, french bitch

how many times have you been to the hospital?

none lmao

top 10 favorite songs

rachmaninoff piano concerto no. 2 (esp. the second movement!)

rach 3

rachmaninoff ave maria from “vespers” (can you tell that rachmaninoff is my total comfort music)

debussy arabesque no. 1

theme for a taiwanese woman in lime green by devendra banhart

immobile by cliché

you only live once by the strokes

chosen by blood orange

astor piazolla tangata

getting to know you by spazzkid

do you take any medications daily?

nope

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)

normal-ish? i have acne which is annoying but it’s been getting a lot better since I’ve come back I’m convinced bretagne water was just really bad for my skin

what is your biggest fear?

losing my ability to learn with the ease needed to continually better my understanding of the world and others (lest the progress of time bypass my ability to view the flow) and thus have unsatisfiable ambition and love

how many kids do you want?

none rly

whats your go to hair style?

half-back, sometimes french braided

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)

decent-sized family home, but I can’t wait to get out and live in an apartment I rly hate having space idk

who is your role model?

MY TEACHERS especially my physics and french teachers I rly adore them and could never express my gratitude for the dedication of their lives to my growth

what was the last compliment you received?

friends’ parents saying they believe I’ll do great things in the future and wishing me good luck at uni :’)

what was the last text you sent?

“OH MY GOD TOO FAR”

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?

idk little me was caught between knowing better and remaining purposely ignorant out of a nostalgia for wonder in total unknowing of infancy so

what is your dream car?

i literally don’t ever want a car of my own

opinion on smoking?

very harmful, never something i’d try... like, I have a lot of friends/classmates who smoke and I’d never judge their characters from that, but idk I think it’s a rly bad habit

do you go to college?

yep, uchicago!

what is your dream job?

i’d love to be a journalist or writer with international involvement but idk really! I’m very flexible when considering my future!

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?

RURAL AREA like anywhere but the suburbs tbh like a city would be ideal, but at least in a rural area, I could have a thoreau-esque retreat

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?

no i never use them

do you have freckles?

yes i have so many spots on my skin idk it just pigments very easily

do you smile for pictures?

i do now (even though i prefer candids by a long shot) but i would refuse to when i was very little maybe until i was like 6-7

how many pictures do you have on your phone?

7133 

have you ever peed in the woods?

so many times lmao i hike i have no qualms

do you still watch cartoons?

.........does yuri on ice count

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?

idek the difference

Favorite dipping sauce?

curry sauce!!!

what do you wear to bed?

if it’s cold i bundle up in sweatpants + a patagonia, but if it’s decently warm, i just wear underwear

have you ever won a spelling bee?

no

what are your hobbies?

piano, painting, picking up new languages bc i’m a loser, organ, photography, hiking, teaching english from time to time + writing + editing

can you draw?

decently ehhh

do you play an instrument?

piano, violin, and organ!

what was the last concert you saw?

probably the marriage of figaro at the prague opera if that counts lmao..... i don’t go to non-classical concerts idk

tea or coffee?

tea usually, but I love a good espresso

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?

neither

do you want to get married?

@katsudaddy and I are already married

what is your crush’s first and last initial?

CB

KIDDING lmao no i’m not really into anyone romantically right now

are you going to change your last name when you get married?

depends on what sounds nicest tbh... I don’t like the sonority of my last name much so...yeah probably

what color looks best on you?

deep red looks nice, but I prefer wearing neutrals + greens/blues

do you miss anyone right now?

my family (host fam)

do you sleep with your door open or closed?

closed, but i used to leave my balcony doors open sometimes in france

do you believe in ghosts?

no

what is your biggest pet peeve?

PHONES OUT DURING MEALS

last person you called`

my dad

favorite ice cream flavor?

hmm I had a honey-almond gelato near marseille that I rly liked!!

regular oreos or golden oreos?

i don’t even remember what they taste like

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?

rainbow bc they’re gay

what shirt are you wearing?

white t-shirt with a loose denim dress on top

what is your phone background?

aljkdfsh fanart of yuuri kissing viktor on the head... very cute

are you outgoing or shy?

honestly i think the best way to describe me would be intense? like, i rly swing between extremes with this depending upon where I direct my energy, so like... idk I’m naturally quite private but come off as outgoing bc I put up that front in public events when I have to

do you like it when people play with your hair?

ppl don’t rly play with my hair but I like playing with others’!!

do you like your neighbors?

idk the neighbors in PA or even in France, but at school, I lived with my classmates and teachers, and I loved the majority!!!

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?

both!!!!

have you ever been high?

nooooo

have you ever been drunk?

yes, but I stay pretty in control

last thing you ate?

strawberries!

favorite lyrics right now

idk I don’t really think I have any! the sonority of music has always been a lot more moving to me than the lyrics

summer or winter?

summer, but the dawn of spring is my favorite time of year

day or night?

the last hours of day in the northern summers where the sky will be light almost until midnight

dark, milk, or white chocolate?

DARK like 85%-95% is good

favorite month?

maybe march or april... it depends on the weather each year!

what is your zodiac sign

taurus but idk it’s Very inaccurate for me (like i constantly crave change and take initiative to throw myself into uncomfortable and new situations, and I eschew material possession... at least i’m rly loyal though?) tbh my chinese zodiac (dragon) is much closer to my personality

who was the last person you cried in front of?

dave, my physics teacher :( I was thanking him one last time for showing me a way of surviving, u know? like there’s so much love and passion in what he does and idk I always worry about losing spark and so it’s like... idk he reminds me that there is always life in love if that makes any sense